1
Once upon a time,
in the little village
of pudding-on-the-ritz,
there lived a wolf named phox.
That's "phox" with a p-h.
P-h-o-x, phox. My card.
There was no one so clever
driving a bargain.
Now, this horse is exactly
what you need, grandpa.
Got a three-speed bridle,
matching horseshoes,
wide sidewalls--
It's a steal at 40 pazoozas.
Can I look at its teeth?
Teeth? Teeth?
You buyin' a horse
or a beauty queen?
Come on, now!
Well, all right.
Here's your money.
And here's your horse.
Well, come on, horsey.
Hey!
I wanted a live horse!
It was alive,
but I didn't say when.
Nobody liked the phox
with a p-h, but nobody could
ever get the better of him.
One day,
the sly phox was tripping
through the woods...
Hardy-har-har.
When he chanced upon
a mysterious box
sitting in an open glade.
On its top was written
this strange legend:
"To take my treasure
you may try,
but he who opens me
shall die!"
A treasure chest!
Gadzooks,
I'm in luck!
Ooh, but whoever opens it
shall die,
ergo, I gotta get some dummy
to open it for me.
But who would be
that much of a nitwit?
Desmond dullwit wasn't exactly
the village idiot--
But I came in second.
Desmond, old buddy!
I need somebody
to, open a box for me.
No, you don't.
Whoever opens that box
is gonna die!
How'd you know that?
I was, like, listening to
the first part of the story.
You know,
so I ain't gonna open it.
But you must, Desmond.
That box holds
a beautiful princess...
Who was, put under a spell
by a wicked witch, remember?
- Well, listen.
- Little did Desmond know...
That the wily phox was
an accomplished ventriloquist.
Ooh, help!
Help me, Desmond!
Criminitlies!
There is somebody in there!
Hey, how does she know
my name?
Why, she's been secretly
in love with you for years!
Joy bells!
Hang on, honey!
Lover pumpkin is here!
Sainted aunt Hannah!
Look at that!
Gold, jewelry,
queen Victoria's spittoon!
I'm rich! Rich!
I don't see
no princess, Mr. phox.
Of course not, you stupid lox.
It was a joke, get it?
Ha-ha-ha-ha?
Gee.
Well, here.
You go get yourself
a big croker sack,
and we'll divide
all the treasure--
half and half,
even-Steven, 80-20.
Yeah, all right.
But I'd rather
have a princess.
No sooner had Desmond gone...
Than the wily phox pulled out
a croker sack of his own...
And began filling it
with the priceless treasure.
Meanwhile, Desmond wandered
through the lavender Glen
looking for a croker sack.
There he chanced upon
a beautiful milkmaid.
Hi, there, missy.
You wouldn't happen to
have an old croker sack on ya,
would you?
- Why, I'm wearing one.
- Yeah, I just need it to put
my priceless treasure into.
Priceless treasure?
Just a minute, honey!
Here you are!
Ooh, thanks a bunch!
Wait for me, lover pumpkin!
The smarmy phox had filled
his sack when he noticed one
small coin left in the chest.
An Indian head penny!
Of course, the greedy phox
had to have it.
Hey, you kiddin'?
They bring three pazoozas
on the open market.
But, in reaching
for that last penny,
phox overbalanced and--
Here I am, Mr. phox.
Ooh, looky!
He must have left
my share for me.
Where'd he go?
I'm in the box!
Let me out!
Sure, you are.
What a kidder.
Get me outta here!
Well, thanks
for divvying up with me,
Mr. phox, wherever you are.
And the stupid lox ambled off
followed by the milkmaid.
Hold it, sugar puss!
It's dark!
Years later,
whenever anyone would ask
about the phox with a p-h,
the answer was
always the same:
Who cares?
As for Desmond dullwit,
he and his beautiful wife
lived happily...
To a ripe old age.
Wait a minute.
The legend said whoever
opened the box would die.
Yup.
But it didn't say when.
Once upon a time
in Canada, there unfolded
a tale of heroes and villains,
and it all began
with two boys, a girl
and a horse.
I don't know, Dudley.
Choosing what you want
to be when you grow up
is a very serious matter.
It's not a question
of what I want, Nell.
It's my destiny to become
a royal Canadian mountie.
I think I'm going to have to
get out and see the world
before I choose.
- What a bunch of wimps.
- Why? What are you
going to be, snidely?
Me? Isn't it obvious?
I'm going to be the bad guy.
- Why?
- 'Cause the bad guy
has all the fun,
and if you're the bad guy
you get to do stuff
like this...
Snidely!
And this!
So long, mountie-boy!
I can ride better than that!
I can do this better too.
Why, Dudley!
Come on, Nell.
Though young
Nell's heart was torn between
Dudley and snidely,
her two very best friends
in the world,
Dudley's mind was filled
with nothing but visions
of growing up to be a mountie.
Of course, this surely
wouldn't hurt in his quest for
the young Nell,
for a mountie is
always brave...
And strong and cool.
Ouch!
Let's try that again,
shall we?
A mountie is always brave
and strong and--
It was 20 years later,
and Dudley do-right had
fulfilled his destiny.
He had grown up to be
a royal Canadian mountie,
and his faithful horse, horse,
who had grown up as well,
was the best-trained horse
this side of ottawa.
Fetch!
Okay, so he wasn't
that well-trained.
Still, Dudley was a member
in good standing of the
royal Canadian mounted police.
He had his own grown-up fort.
He had his own
grown-up office.
He had, indeed, grown up
to be brave and strong
and cool.
Ouch!
Now, Dudley's lifelong rival,
snidely k. Whiplash, had
fulfilled his destiny as well.
He had become the bad guy, and
he had brought a bunch of his
bad-guy friends with him.
Can I h-help you?
Could you wait till
everyone's in, please?
- What's the meaning of this?
- This is a holdup.
Now give us all your gold
and all your money
or we'll shoot you.
- All of you?
- All of us!
No, wait. Kevin,
go and get the money.
- Yes, sir.
- Don't forget the gold.
- And don't forget the gold.
It's been a pleasure
doing business with you.
We got the money
and the gold!
Let's go, boys!
Snidely knew the call would go
out to Canada's number
one mountie.
Too bad he was tied up
with official mountie
business.
No, no, no.
The anchovies go on the half
with the pepperoni,
and then it's
one-quarter garlic
and one-quarter olives.
Good! 20 minutes?
That's it.
Thanks, mom.
I love you too.
Here we go.
Meanwhile, back at snidely's
not-so-secret hideout--
Well, here's the money,
but where's the gold?
- Whiplash took it.
- Where is whiplash?
- He's gotta be here
somewhere.
He took off with all the gold.
All we have is
this measly $26,000.
We gotta find whip.
He's tricked us.
And when we do,
we're gonna kill him...
Really slowly.
Yeah, but where is he?
Now, that's a good question.
- I heard he was in the Sudan.
- Where's that?
In Africa, stupid.
- He's supposed to be
at the Hilton hotel.
- The Hilton?
- - Come on, boys!
Let's go get him!
Of course,
what the boys didn't know was
that is was snidely himself...
Who was sending them to
the far reaches of the world.
Yes, he really was
a very bad guy.
It's all so easy.
All you have to do...
Is find 999
of the stupidest criminals
in north America...
And everything just
falls into place.
There's only one man
who can stop me now.
And that one man
could only be...
Dudley do-right of the
royal Canadian mounted police.
Meanwhile,
at an abandoned gold mine,
a sinister figure lurks.
I love to lurk.
It's so me.
Everyone knew there wasn't
any gold left in the old mine,
but it was part of snidely's
evil plan to put some there.
The old mine shaft
just caved in.
No.
I warned those kids.
Come on.
Time to go to the dark and
scary part of the forest.
Horse.
Fine.
I'll take the vehicle.
All right, you kids.
Come on out of there.
I'm hardly a kid!
Snidely?
Snidely whiplash.
Dudley.
Dudley do-right!
All right.
- Queensbury rules.
- Let's go. Put 'em up.
Ready when you are, d.D.
Why do you have a shotgun?
I was hunting.
In an abandoned gold mine?
Yes.
I was hunting for vampires.
Vampires.
Vampires.
'Fraid so.
Believe me, do-right,
they exist.
I don't believe you.
Hold this.
Examine, if you will,
this shell from a shotgun.
You'll notice it's not shot
but gold instead.
To kill a vampire,
you must drive a stake
through its heart or shoot it
with a golden bullet.
So,
then there really are
vampires around here?
Sadly, behind every tree,
practically.
What was that?
I shudder to speculate.
Um, I have to go.
I thought you might.
Um, so long.
Ciao.
And so it went.
While the evil whiplash was out hunting vampires,
our hero was at home,
hiding behind a cardboard
mountie cutout.
After all,
even to a real mountie,
vampires can seem
awfully scary.
Vampires, indeed.
Another week, and I'll have
those idiots thinking there's
gold in them there hills.
In the daylight hours,
snidely was hard at work...
Arranging a meeting
between a really big train
and the local bank president.
Is that a choo-choo train
I hear coming our way?
I can't do this
to our customers.
You'll own everything!
All right, all right.
I'll sign.
- All the mortgages are yours.
- And a teller
to be named later.
All right!
Pay up the mortgage now
or this quaint little
fixer-upper is mine.
- You're not our banker.
- I am now.
Read it and weep.
How can you do this to us?
How can I do this to you?
Madam, I was born to do it.
It's in my genes.
Now get out,
and take your munchkins
with you.
That's right. Chop-chop.
Single file.
And wipe that smile
off your face.
And no talking.
With his ill-gotten gains,
snidely whiplash was taking
over all of semi-happy valley,
and that included
the local motel,
the slaw-dogs stand,
the funeral home,
the very town itself.
- Naturally, local residents
became a mite concerned.
What's going on out here?
Wh-what's wrong?
We've all just lost
our homes and businesses.
Yeah.
Well, that's a relief.
- It is?
- Yes. I thought this was
about the vampires.
No! This is about
that bloodsucker,
snidely whiplash!
He's taken everything--
our homes, our businesses,
our farms!
- Yeah!
- What do you mean,
"vampires"?
- You mean, you don't know?
- No.
- The woods are filled
with them.
- What?
Run for your lives!
Our hero, Dudley do-right,
had never felt so alone.
Whiplash city was a ghost
town. His long-lost Nell had
been gone for years.
Now it was just him and horse.
It's just you and me, horse.
If I know anything, horse,
these two things are true:
Nell will never come back,
and you will never leave me.
Horse?
Horse!
Horse!
Where are you going?
There's vampires out there!
- Who goes there?
- What?
Don't "what" m--
Don't "what" me!
I know you're a vampire.
I'm gonna warn ya.
I've got garlic in here.
It's me, Dudley.
It's Nell fenwick.
Don't try and confuse me.
I know you're a vampire,
and I can prove it, too,
'cause only a vampire
wouldn't know the answer...
To this simple,
What is
Wayne gretzky's middle name?
- Well, I don't know, Dudley.
- Aha!
Well, do you?
No.
No, I don't.
My God!
I am a vampire!
You're not a vampire,
Dudley.
- Is something burning?
- Yeah, right.
Like you think I'm stupid
enough to fall
for that old trick.
It was at that precise moment
when Nell remembered...
That famous old
mountie movie song:
When I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh
Nell!
It really is you!
Will you answer too
ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh
that means I offer my love
to you
- if you refuse me
- what shall I do
when I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh
won't you come in, Nell?
Sure.
So, Nell,
what have you been doing
all these years?
Well, I went out and saw
the world, just like
I planned.
I got my master's
in philosophy from Yale,
a ph.D. In international
diplomacy from Harvard--
And then I served
as U.S. ambassador to Guam.
And?
And... now I've come home...
To get the one thing
a good education can't buy.
I got you.
You want one of those
fuzzy plaid blankets...
That they sell
down at the mountie store?
No, Dudley.
- Beach house
with a hot tub?
- No, I just--
Let's not play games, Nell.
I haven't had the chance
to say these words before,
and--
Dudley.
Nell, I--
Dudley! Dudley?
When I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh
- enough with the song.
- Got it.
I'm sorry.
Where was I?
Maybe we should just go out.
I hear they're having an
authentic corn
festival dance...
At the reservation,
with fireworks and everything.
A quiet evening in front
of the fire avec moi,
toasting marshmallows,
drinking ovaltine.
Now I remember
what I was going to say.
Nell fenwick, I--
Whaa--
Hey--
Nell, I love you!
Though
she had traveled far and wide,
never before had Nell heard...
A confession of love
from a moose.
Let's just go
to the corn festival.
Okeydokey.
I'll get around to fixing
the floorboards next Tuesday.
Ooh.
I hope it's not
hunting season.
A little help here
for the moose?
Please? Thank you.
When I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh
After finding the nearest
moose-head removal service,
Dudley and Nell made their way
to the corn festival.
Dudley, this is
totally authentic!
This is Canada, Nell.
Things are real up here.
Say,
there's the chief!
Chief! Chief!
Yes,
it was the chief of that
rarely-studied tribe
of South Brooklyn Indians,
known as
the canarsie kumquats,
or just the kumquats,
for short.
Dudley!
Long time no see.
You remember Nell.
Nell fenwick!
You look terrific.
How's it goin'?
- Me do well.
- Good for you, sugar.
Well, come on.
Let's go see the show!

This riverdance stuff
is really hot lately.
Dudley? You remember
standing room only, don't you?
Of course I do.
How are you,
standing room only?
Right. Look,
could we talk?
Certainly.

How!
Bravo! Bravo!
Okay, look.
A snitch I ain't,
all right?
But for the last week or so
I've been seein' this guy
out in the woods at night...
With this kinda Abe Lincoln
hat on and this opera coat...
Goin' around shooting rocks
and streams, crap like that,
with a shotgun.
- Yes? Go on.
- You don't think
that's weird?
No, no.
It's snidely whiplash.
He thinks he's hunting
vampires with gold bullets,
which scares the heck
out of me.
Vampires or gold bullets?
Vampires.
- I'll tell you what. You're
outta your friggin' mind.
- Me or him?
Me. Me, me.
Yeah.
That's a fine way
to talk to your chief.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
this particular mountie
has a date.
Wow.
Dudley.
I wish we could have stayed
for the fireworks.
The fireworks are
even more beautiful
from this vantage point.
Yes.
when I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh
Dudley?
Not now, okay?
Yes, Nell.
Let's just row.
Of course, Nell.
That's when--
Meanwhile, that same night,
the poorest man
in semi-happy valley was
about to strike it rich.
Hello!
Enjoying your evening
thus far?
Thought I'd just drop in.
Found some gold, have we?
N-n-no. There's no gold
anywhere around here.
But there is--
lots of it,
all over the place.
And you--
you horrid example
of a human being--
Have made
the initial discovery!
You're famous. You will be
on network television.
Network television?
No way!
Now, stand up,
hold the pan out and smile.
- Can I-- can I
borrow your comb?
- Shut up and grin.
Welcome. Welcome
to our show. Have a seat.
Hi. How are you?
Well, they're calling this
the biggest gold strike
in history.
Certainly it's the biggest
gold find of the century.
Absolutely.
And the man who made it
all possible is here for
an exclusive interview today.
Mr. Kim j. Darling.
Welcome, Kim!
What's happening, Regis?
I'll tell you what's
happening, my friend.
You're what's happening.
Headlines all over the world.
How's it feel to have made
the biggest gold find
in a century?
Well,
I feel light-headed,
kathie Lee.
Well, your story
certainly has taken
the whole world by storm.
But, rege, the sad part is,
at least for Kim,
is he found all this gold...
- On land he doesn't own.
- I did?
But the owner is staking
no claim. He says
whoever finds the gold...
Gets to keep it.
- That's why the big gold rush
is on for northern Canada.
Stay tuned.
Bette midler is next.
- No!
- Yeah!
Meanwhile,
on the U.S.-Canadian border,
all is tranquil as usual.
You want some of me?
You want
some of Dwayne cuffman?
Come on, you son of a--
Ooh. Ha!
Passports! Hey, stop--
I must see your passports!
Trouble along
the Canadian-U.S. border
continues to mount.
They seem to be
yuppie wetbacks, mostly,
But a lot of them
are dentists.
And this just in. Scientists
discover that Canadian bacon
is ordinary ham.
What could be better
than a plan working
exactly as you planned it?
Nothing!
That's what's better.
- Drop it, whiplash.
- It's about time
you showed up.
About time?
We're here to kill you.
That won't be necessary.
Gentlemen, forgive my manners.
Please, take a seat.
You weren't in the Sudan.
- You don't say.
Where are all the other men?
- Where are they?
Heathrow, the Rome airport,
Mozambique.
We all ran out of money.
This could be
the right-sized group
I've been looking for.
- What are you talking about?
We're gonna kill you!
- You're not going to kill me.
- You're going to work for me.
- What? What?
I need you boys
to help me run the town.
Everyone's gone,
including the man
who ran the slaw-dogs stand.
Therefore, boys,
I'm gonna need your help
to run whiplash city.
Lefty, didn't you once
attend school?
Well, I-- yeah.
Good!
Well, now you're the new
superintendent for schools.
Thanks, whip.
This is a dream come true
for me.
Homer, didn't you once work
at McDonald's?
Well, yeah, whip,
but I'm your number-two guy.
I'm part of the brain trust.
Absolutely!
Now you can manage
the snidely whiplash
slaw-dogs stand.
Man.
I'm gettin' screwed.
And we're
going to need doctors.
Which one of you's
dumb enough to think
you can perform brain surgery?
Congratulations. You're
the town's new brain surgeon.
Aw.
Yes!
Yes, indeed.
- It's obvious we're going
to need a good psychiatrist!
- Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!
Honey? Look, honey!
Good-bye Las Vegas.
Hello whiplash city--
A place for parents to pan for
gold, bond with their children
carly get a picture!
I don't wanna.
Carly, get a picture!
And a place to prove
that white men can dance.
California, Georgia,
Puerto Rico--
But where are the Canadians?
Canadians like
to think things over
before they do something.
Americans just jump.
And thank goodness they do.
Did you like the way
I pronounced "Puerto Rico"?
Yeah.
I speak a little Spanish.
You're the complete package,
whip.
Yes, snidely had taken over
Dudley do-right's town.
- But little did he know
Dudley was devising a plan to
That Dudley was
hard at work devi--
Okay, I'm lying.
He was fast asleep,
dreaming about horse.
Reunited
and it feels so good
- horse! Horse! Horse!
- reunited
'cause we understood
there's one perfect fit
and, sugar
this one is it
we both are so excited
'cause we're
reunited
hey, hey
horse! It's so good
to see you again.
Nell's here, and you're here,
and if only I knew what that
snidely whiplash was up to.
You mean there
never were any vampires?
Wake up, will ya?
No! What else?
That dirty rat!
Whoa!
Hey, yo, whipster!
We're makin' a fortune!
So I see. So I see.
It's the same
with the gift shop
and the gas station,
and the funeral home should
be showing a profit if I've
got anything to do with it.
Mr. whip?
I was thinking,
with us gettin' rich and all,
that maybe we should...
Start playin' golf?
My word. You're a genius.
The par-72 golf course was
soon snidely's pride and joy,
and, thanks to
the complimentary golf balls
he gave to all his guests,
he never lost a game--
Ever.
Bad luck!
You must have looked up.
Stop right there, whiplash!
Do-right, you made me
hit the windmill!
No one talks when I shoot!
You da man, whip!
There's something going on
in semi-happy valley
that I don't approve of.
It's called "whiplash city"
now, mountie-boy. Ooh.
You remember Nell fenwick.
Nell!
Remember her?
He'd been in love with her since he was six.
Hello, snidely.
We've known each other
too long to be that formal.
Nell, will you stop that!
Zowie!
Cool hat.
We try.
So, what do you want,
totem-breath?
"Totem-breath"?
Well, it's the best
I could come up with.
It's hard to kiss
and think at the same time,
neither of which activity
you've had much experience
with.
What I want is for you to know
that I don't know for sure...
What you're up to, but you're
for sure up to something.
Well put.
And I sure intend to find out
what that something is.
Do-right, you'd need a psychic
to find out what I'm up to.
I don't think so.
Well, I think that's
a "gimme," boys?
- Yeah.
- Let's play the next hole.
Come join us, Nell.
- Nell!
- It's just snidely,
for Pete's sake.
Though snidely
was the bad guy, he did have
a certain something.
First you ran everyone
out of town.-
Then you took over
the town, and then--
yes, what else?
Gosh. I knew it this morning.
Come on, Einstein.
You can do it.
Then--
then you salted the streams
and mines with gold...
In order to create
a false gold rush,
and, because you own the town
and everything in it, you
stand to make a great fortune!
Ha!
Hop up, sweet cakes.
Carry on, boys.
Dudley, keep your voice down.
This is an exclusive club.
I don't care.
Would you like to play with us?
I'll give you a stroke a hole.
Not a chance!
Come on--
Hello.
Domo arigato.
Yes, carry on. Carry on.
Very good there.
Lovely to see you.
Yes, lovely ball.
Thank you very much.
Well, my dear friend and
worthy foe, once again I've
foolishly underestimated you.
That's right!
Then I'm right?
No! You're way off!
But what if a rumor
like that spread around?
It could destroy a community
like semi-happy valley, or
whatever you want to call it.
Wouldn't want that, would you?
We have to tell the truth,
snidely.
Yes, of course.
But before we do anything
rash, let's sit down and
discuss it like adults.
When?
Tonight,
9:00 P.M. sharp?
Where?
Your place.
What's the dress?
Casual.
That doesn't leave me
much time to get ready.
Microwave some of those
little hot dog thingies.
All right.
Snidely didn't keep
his date with Dudley,
but homer did,
and he was thoughtful enough
to bring along a six-pack...
Of dynamite.
ooh, I'm a lucky man
ooh, I'm a lucky man
I'm a winner
either way I stand
homer!
You look somehow--
I don't know-- younger.
How did it go?
Everything's taken care of.
Your boy is in do-gooder heaven.
I couldn't even find his body.
Excellent!
Well, get out of that garish
outfit and find yourself
a black suit.
You are our new
funeral home director.
- Shane!
- Yes, Mr. whiplash?
Drinks on the house.
No, wait a second.
Yes, sir.
Drinks are 50% off.
No, wait a second.
Right.
Double the price
of everything!
Yes, sir.
While snidely celebrated
Dudley's demise,
Dudley was actually in ottawa
telling the authorities
about snidely's evil scheme.
What Dudley didn't know was
that snidely had friends
in high places...
What are you lookin' at?
As well as low.
Well, that is an amazing story
you tell, officer do-right.
Thank you.
I also know a story
about a hermit who kept a--
But let's say
you're wrong?
I mean,
wouldn't a rumor like that
destroy the suddenly
burgeoning economy
of your little town?
That's what snidely whiplash
said, but he didn't use
the word "burgeoning."
Well, this Mr. whiplash sounds
like a very community-minded
fellow to me.
Come on. Wake up.
He's the bad guy.
- Just look at the way
he dresses-- duh!
- But is he really?
I mean, here we have
millions of American dollars
pouring into an otherwise...
Impoverished section
of Canada.
I mean, strike me several
times with a blunt instrument,
but, that's not good?
But it's wrong!
And, as you can tell
from my name--
But isn't it sometimes
difficult to discern the line
between right and wrong?
- not for him.
He's a mountie.
For these guys, things are
either right or they're wrong.
Boom, boom, cut and dried.
Discern that, why don't you?
Gold! I found gold!
He found gold!
Right! We'll build
the hotel on this side,
and we'll put the condominiums
on that side so people can
walk right up to the river.
I love it, whip.
Yes, I thought you might.
I bet everyone loves it.
Yeah, well, I don't.
It does have some problems.
It's not perfect.
But it is perfect.
You know, boys, you're
the best gang I've ever had.
Thanks, whip.
Particularly you, um--
Homer.
Homer.
Gosh, I--
Morning, boys!
"Do-gooder heaven,"?
Back to the slaw-dogs stand
with you!
I know. I know.
- Hello?
- Nell?
- Dudley?
- Nell, have you seen
my office lately?
Well, not lately, Dudley.
Why? Have you
done something with it?
Well, no, but someone has.
Dudley, father's come back.
- I'm afraid he's got
some bad news.
- Where are you?
Dudley.
You know how bad
I am with directions.
Are you in a car?
Yes, but it's stopped.
Nell? Nell? Nell--
I think I'm gonna have
to call you back, Nell.
We've got a bad connection.
Inspector!
At ease, do-right.
Why, it does
this old heart of mine good
to see you again, sir.
You're my hero, sir.
You're my role model!
Dudley, you're finished
as a mountie.
Get your horse
and clear out of here.
Horse ran away.
Dear.
I'm so sorry
to hear that.
Nell?
I can't watch.
I just can't watch.
Your father's joshing me
about being drummed out
of the service.
It's very funny.
I'm not joshing you
even the tiniest bit.
The highest level
of the Canadian government...
Has called me
out of retirement
to replace you here.
I know
what this is about.
I was supposed to have a
meeting with snidely whiplash,
but I completely forgot
about it.
I went to ottawa instead--
And then ottawa called on me.
Now, give me your uniform
and your sidearm, and leave.
My uniform, sir?
I'm sorry, Dudley.
This is a very sad moment.
Yes, inspector,
it certainly is.
He had lost his uniform.
He had lost his horse.
Dudley's dreams
were shattered.
Hello. Remember me?
I was on Regis and kathie Lee.
Yeah, I was, honestly.
Last week. Only last week.
It was very good.
I was on
Regis and kathie Lee.
Hello. I know
Bette midler personally.
Hi! It's me!
I was on Regis and kathie Lee
last week.
Hey! I know you.
You're Dudley do-right of the
royal Canadian mounted police.
I never forget a face,
although a name
sometimes escapes me.
Sir, I lost my job today.
My horse ran away,
and I'd really like
to be alone right now,
if you don't mind.
No chance, pal.
I am your new best friend.
I don't have any friends.
Hey, you got me, pal.
I don't even have a home.
Wait till ya see my place!
Meanwhile, whiplash had begun
his evil campaign...
To win the affections
of the fair Nell fenwick
and to impress her father.
Let us hope they can
see right through
this scheming cad!
Sorry.
May I recommend
the salt COD bouillabaisse...
Followed by the buckwheat
crepes with tangerine
reduction.
Um, okay. Father?
Sounds delectable.
But for me,
hold the fennel seed.
- Very wise choice,
inspector. Very wise.
- Thank you.
You drank too much last night.
Did I?
I feel pretty good.
Yeah.
You know, the line
between right and wrong...
Is oftentimes
difficult to discern.
Yeah. I was just
thinking that myself.
Snidely whiplash has brought
prosperity to semi-happy
valley.
He's turned
this nowhere town around.
- Of course, he ran off
all the old residents.
- It's all about greed.
You're right!
That's it!
It is greed!
That's all it is.
It's just greed!
Dudley, please don't make
any sudden moves around me
this morning, all right?
Here's what I don't
What happens when
all the gold runs out?
Why, it's never gonna
run out.
- It's not?
- No, no, no, no.
Whiplash is too smart.
Snidely was smart enough
to keep the gold coming in...
So the profits would
keep coming in;
smart enough to own his own
helicopter; Smart enough
to have won over...
Every government authority
within 2,000 Miles.
But was he smart enough
to outwit a pathetic bum...
And the only man to be
thrown out of the mounties
in a hundred years?
We'll have to see about that.
I don't see anything.
Aha!
See? That's where
they melt down the gold...
So they can salt it at night.
Whiplash.
Would you look how popular
snidely is? That's not right.
People always
suck up to the guy in charge.
You know that. It's like life.
I say we go down there
and arrest them all.
I don't think so.
Why not?
I'll give you
three good reasons.
I'd like to start
with the second one first,
if that's okay with you.
We go down there,
they'll kill us.
You're not
a mountie anymore,
They're not doing
anything illegal.
But we've gotta do
something!
No!
You gotta do something.
I just wanted to show you
what was going on.
What's my next move?
Well, you could,
steal the gold...
Before they can salt it,
and that way--
end of gold rush.
What? Me, steal?
Me, break the law?
Sadly, yeah.
But then I'd be
Dudley "do-wrong."
Do-wrong's nice.
I like that.
It's kind of French.
You know,
"Dudley do-wrong."
I'm so confused.
It's not
that complicated, Dudley.
The bad guy, snidely whiplash,
is apparently doing good,
ergo, putting you,
the good guy, in the position
of having to be the bad guy.
Well, not exactly the bad guy.
Let's say the "badder" guy.
But just as a bad guy doing
good does not necessarily make
him the good guy,
so a good guy doing bad
does not, ipso facto,
make him a bad guy.
This can't be happening.
He can't be the good guy.
But he is. The good citizens
of whiplash city are throwing
a ball in his honor tonight.
For snidely?
He likes bread and butter
he likes toast and jam
that's what his baby
feeds him
he's her lovin' man

I don't believe it.
They love him!
You better believe it.
He is the good guy!
Yeah,
not to mention the fact
that he's got Nell.
No. Maybe it's just
someone who looks like her.

Nah, that's Nell.
Did you ever have
to make up your mind
it is Nell!
I can't believe that this
is happening to me!
Sorry.
It's okay.
I better go do something
about this.
No, wait!
You're not ready.
You're not trained.
Sometimes it's one
with big blue eyes
cute as a bunny
with hair down to here
and plenty of money
and just when you think
she's that one in the world
your heart gets stolen
by some mousy little girl
then you know you better
make up your mind
and pick up on one
and leave the other behind
it's not often easy
and not often kind
did you ever have
to make up your mind
whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Sometimes you really
dig a girl
the moment you kiss her
then you get distracted
by her older sister
when in walks her father
and takes you in line
you better go home, son
and make up your mind
then you bet
you better finally decide
to say yes to one
and let the other one ride
there's so many changes
and tears you must hide
did you ever have
to finally decide
Well done!
This is gonna take
a lot of work.
And who better to do that work
than Kim darling himself,
a grown man
with an extensive
pokemon collection?
My son,
the hero defeats danger...
Because he is
dangerous himself.
You... are... dangerous.
Know it. Say it.
You are dangerous.
No. Say,
"I am dangerous."
- I did.
- No, say,
"I am dangerous."
- You are dangerous.
- No, no, no, no.
You say,
"I am dangerous."
But you said--
Never mind.
The hero must face
three trials:
Trust, daring, instinct.
For the sake of consistency,
we'll start with number two.
Daring!
Okay, now.
I am your adversary.
I am evil.
Evil! Evil!
You're evil.
Yes. And now I'm going
to draw this line in the sand.
Now, do not dare
cross that line,
otherwise evil will
rain down upon you-- evil!
No, no. Look, Dudley,
take me up on my challenge by
showing me how daring you are.
Let's try it once again,
shall we?
I am evil!
Now, do not dare
cross that line!
I am evil! Evil!
Well, what? You said I'm
not supposed to cross
the line!
But you're supposed
to cross the line!
Let's try it again.
Okay, now. Do not dare
cross the line of death.
I am evil!
I am evil!
What'd you do that for?
'Cause I'm evil.
I can't help it.
Sorry.
Eight, nine, ten--
Trust.
The hero trusts.
Now, I will throw
some stones at you--
Missing intentionally,
of course--
And you will not flinch
as they whiz past your head
because you trust me.
I trust you, master.
Good!
Sorry.
But that was very good.
You trusted me.
Okay?
- - Perfect!
You didn't flinch at all.
Just one more, okay?
Excellent! Absolutely!
Trust is your middle name.
A lot less moaning
would be good.
Instinct.
You will fight me
without benefit of eyesight.
You will block
my every blow...
Because you can see without
your eyes, you can hear
without your ears,
you can speak
without your tongue.
Yes, master.
I said without your tongue.
Now, your sword is your stick.
The stick is your defense.
Prepare to defeat me.
Are you ready? Ha!
Very good, indeed--
the hopping-foot defense.
Very good!
The other-foot-hopping
defense.
Wonderful! You're at one with
the universe. And now,
concentrate.
Prepare to receive
my final assault.
- Wonderful.
The playing-dead defense.
- Master--
Good choice
under the circumstances.
You'll be all right, my son,
providing they don't
attack you with sticks.
With his master's lesson
ringing in his ears,
Dudley set off
in search of justice...
You are ready, my son.
And extra-strength Tylenol.
You are ready because
you've taken everything
I can throw at you...
And still you stand
tall and true.
You are ready
to face danger
because you are danger.
Now, get out there and
do something dangerous.
No! Please don't!
Then tell me
when the next gold
delivery arrives.
I don't know.
Well, then I'm afraid
we're gonna find out
which is your better side.
You're a mountie.
Not anymore.
Thursday. The gold's
coming at noon on Thursday.
Noon Thursday. Thank you.
- Now if I can just figure out
how to stop this thing.
- What?
Whoa! That's not it.
Owee!
Just papier-mache.
Completely recyclable
material.
- What kind of man are you
anyway, do-right?
- A dangerous one.
He's got the gold!
After him, boys!
He may have been outnumbered,
but Dudley knew these woods
like the back of his horse.
Whoa!
Yee-ha!
Do you have any idea what
this could possibly mean?
Doris day.
Just a guess.
Dom deluise.
Daniel day-Lewis.
Snoop doggy dogg.
Daphne du maurier.
Shut up.
- Doc duvalier.
- David duchovny?
- Delores del Rio.
- Shut up, you idiots.
- Dan rather.
These initials could
only mean one thing:
Dudley do-right.
You think do-right
has got the guts
for something like this?
Of course I do.
Wow.
You realize what
this means, don't you?
He's becoming the bad guy.
Where does that leave me?
I used to be the bad guy.
If he's capable
of doing this,
who knows what other
really fun, bad-guy stuff
he's been doing.
What other stuff, indeed,
David duchovny.
For snidely was
about to discover
a crime so low, so hideous,
it had to involve
toilet paper.
Man.
What a bleak
and rimy day.
Something like this
just makes you sick
to your stomach.
Don't touch me!
Where are you going?
Well, my work
is done here now,
Dudley.
So it's--
it's time for me
to rejoin my family.
You have a family?
Yeah, well, it's--
it's a long story.
But,
basically, I was--
I was lost like you.
I wasn't
a hero to anyone,
not even myself.
No one ever really
believed in me.
But I feel
you're my friend now,
and you believe in me.
And-- and that
gives me the strength
to rejoin my loved ones,
if I can find them.
I'm a new man, Dudley,
thanks to you.
What about
the chain saw?
Parting gift.
Family tradition.
Don't ask.
Thank you.
Use it in peace,
not war.
You can count on me.
My son.
My master.
That's lovely, whip.
The play of light,
the chiaroscuro shading--
Shut up, homer.
You got it, whip.
What was that?
Do-right!
Well, snidely. Posing as
an artist to gain young
Nell's favor?
Stop the music!
He's quite talented,
Dudley.
It's paint-by-numbers.
And I can't tell you how
hard it is to keep the paint
inside those teeny lines.
Wait a minute.
You're wearing black.
That's my color.
I'm the bad guy.
But you're
not wearing black, snidely.
That's dark blue.
It is not.
It is so. It's Navy.
See for yourself.
Ooh! Homer!
Yes, whip?
What am I doing
wearing blue?
Well, whip, the black one's
at the cleaners,
and I just wanna say
you look good in blue,
you really do.
"I just wanna say."
"I just wanna say."
Nell, you'll
always think of me as
wearing black, won't you?
I don't know,
snidely.
I don't think this portrait
really captures Nell's
preternatural beauty.
Yes.
Like you could do
better, mountie-boy?
Is that a challenge?
Absolutely.
Get your motor runnin'
head out on the highway
lookin' for adventure
in whatever comes our way
born to be wild
Dudley.
It's lovely.
- Shall we, Nell?
-
You look really good
in green, whip.
He's a cunning adversary,
homer,
but not cunning enough
to outwit snidely k. Whiplash.
You are
my role model, whip.
So Dudley wants
to be the bad guy.
We'll see
if the shoe fits.
What shoe, whip?
For Pete's sake.
We've all done our best
to make whiplash city...
A place of peace
and prosperity.
A place where
we could all make
lots and lots of money...
Without doing
anything at all--
that's how life should be.
But there's a man
trying to ruin all that.
- This is the man.
- Hey, that's Dudley!
- He's the good guy!
- This man is dangerous and evil.
He's not evil!
You're wrong, whiplash!
We must find him at once.
Gold miners
of whiplash city unite.
- Dudley do-right must be found and done away with.
- - No!
- He must be killed,
you hear me?
- No! No!
No! No! No! No!
Yes, the tide
had turn against snidely.
The townspeople had
grown tired of whiplash city.
They wanted their town back
just the way it used to be.
So while snidely was
growing weaker by the minute,
Dudley was growing stronger.
Yo, Mr. do-right.
Five minutes.
Thank you.

Bravo!
Though Nell
had witnessed many examples
of our hero's derring-do,
it took a dance number
to convince her that Dudley...
Dudley?
Was studly.
Dudley!
When I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh
when I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh
Dudley?
Will you answer too
ooh-ooh-ooh
- Dudley.
- Nell.
I love you now,
and I always have.
You really do, Nell?
Meanwhile, back at snidely's
secret hideout and day spa--
We have to find out
where that sniveling do-right
is hiding.
I've got
the men out combing
the countryside, whip.
Do you?
I'll get it.
Here.
Yeah, give it to me.
Hello.
What?
We found him.
This calls
for a celebration.
Waiter!
Two mudslingers, please.
Snidely
and his henchmen immediately
launched an all-out assault...
On the kumquat nation.
It's whiplash.
They just want me, chief.
I'll go quietly.
This isn't your fight.
I'm backing you 110%,
and I mean that...
So far.
- You got weapons?
- Weapons?
Come on. This is
basically a dinner theater
we're runnin' here.
- You got fireworks?
- That we got.
Fire!
They're just fireworks,
you sissies! Be men!
That's the last
of the fireworks.
Now what?
We'll take to the forest
and throw rocks at them.
Rocks?
What else can we do?
- The press here?
- Yes, sir. They're up there
on the perimeter, sir.
Let's do it.
General whiplash,
the village is ours.
Torch it, Shane.
Burn everything.
Yes, sir.
No. Wait a minute.
That's bad publicity.
Have the photographers
take pictures of the boys
straightening up the place.
You got it.
Learn from history
or repeat it.
Come on, chief.
I gotta stop.
You can make it.
You're a young man.
Don't let this
face-lift fool you.
I'm 62.
On second thought.
Okay, hold it.
Hold it right there.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire!
- Somebody hit me with a rock.
- It was one of them
Indian dancers.
Right. That's it.
Now I'm heated.
Not since their all-male
revival of little women...
Had the kumquats faced
such a hostile reception.
But the kumquats never
walked away from a fight.
They preferred to run.
Know what we need,
chief?
Two weeks in Maui.
No. Bigger rocks.
That's not fair!
They've got rocks!
All we've got are
these machine guns.
Mother of pearl,
here comes another one.
Let 'em have another one.
The next size down
is this one.
We're outta
the big stuff.
We're screwed.
No, we're not. Look.
It's my horse, horse.
Just like
in my dream.
Wait a minute.
We're saved because that
flea-bitten nag showed up?
- He's trying to tell us
to follow him.
I think he's just got
a fly up his nose.
Come on, everybody!
We've got them
on the run now.
They'll never make it
across the valley floor.
Homer! Time to bring up
the heavy equipment.
Yes, sir!
Move out!
Move, move,
move, move!
I'm sorry.
I gotta stop.
Come on, chief.
No. That's it.
I'm finished.
I thought native
north Americans
could run all day.
Yeah, like we're
really Indians.
We're not leaving without you.
- You guys go without me. Go!
- You stood by me.
I'm gonna stand by you.
Dudley.
I'm making you
an honorary kumquat.
- That means a great deal
to me, chief.
- Forget about it.
He's a dead
honorary kumquat.
Roger.
Tango-delta-foxtrot.
Shall we dance?
You gotta admit.
He comes prepared.
I think it's time
to surrender.
Yeah, it looks like it.
- He's got another bug
up his nose.
- No.
He's telling me
he wants me to attack
the tanks.
Is that good--
taking advice
from a horse?
Yes, it is.
They got a brain
about the size of a pea.
That's nuts.
Not to mention stupid.
I think it's wonderful.
Don't worry. I'll save you,
Nell. Yah! Yah!
Dudley.
Homer, let him have it.
Come to daddy.
That's it.
End of game.
Yah!
Yah!


Curses! Where
did they come from?
Come on! Come back here,
you cowards!
General!
Good horse, horse.
You know, homer,
this is the part of the job
The ending.
Up until then,
being the bad guy is
the best job in the world.
Hello, Dudley.
- Hello, whip.
- I've lost everything.
Even the announcer's gone.
No, I'm still here.
Someone's got to explain
where the cavalry came from.
Yes. I was a mite curious
about that myself.
Dudley!
Kim!
Yes,
the prospector had found
his long-lost family.
The search was greatly
simplified when Kim spotted
his wife on television...
As she was being sworn in
as prime minister of Canada.
It was she
who called out the cavalry.
That was lucky,
wasn't it?
Boy, I'll say.
And that's because good things
happen to good people,
and bad things happen
to bad people.
What's the problem, officer?
I was only doing
25 Miles an hour.
Well, that's the last
we'll see of them
for a long, long time.
Don't count on it,
bugle-boy.
No jail can hold
snidely k. Whiplash.
Shut up, homer.
Sure thing,
whip.
Do-right, would you
allow me the honor...
Of presenting you
with your old uniform...
And the thanks
of a graceful nation?
Thank you, inspector.
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!
Yes, Dudley now has everything
a mountie could ever want.
His fort, his girl
and a swell collection
of foofy pillows.
Nell.
Dudley!
Ooh! Ooh!
Nell!
Dudley!
When I'm calling you
ooh-ooh-ooh
All you gotta do
all you gotta say
is, baby
that you love me
at the end of every day
I'll give you
everything you want
I'll give you
everything you see
just do right
do right
by me
I'm not searchin'
for buried treasure
I'm just lookin'
for a heart of gold
well
I'm the kind of girl
that needs
some serious pleasure
if the truth be told
all you gotta do,
all you gotta say
is, baby that you love me
at the end of every day
at the end of every day
I'll give you
everything you want
I'll give you
everything you see, yeah
just do right
do right
by me,
I've been working up
a healthy appetite
for a midnight
dream come true
well, you're the one
I want, so, honey
hold on tight
it's time
to rendezvous,
all you gotta say
all you gotta do,
all you gotta say
is, baby
that you love me
at the end of every day
I'll give you
everything you want
I'll give you
everything you see
just do right
do right
by me
do right
baby
won't you be mine
do right
I'll love you
all the time
do right
just give me a sign

do right
all you gotta do
do right
all you gotta say
all you gotta say
is, baby
that you love me
at the end of every day
give you everything
you want
everything you see
do right, do right
do right by me
all you gotta do
all you gotta say
all you gotta say
is, baby
that you love me
at the end of every day
I'll give you
everything you want
I'll give you
everything you see
do right
do right by me
all you gotta do
by
all you gotta say
me
ooh, baby
that you love me
at the end of every day
I'll give you
everything you want
I'll give you
everything you see
do right, do right
by me, yeah
all you gotta say
yeah, yeah
baby, that you love me
every day
I'll give you
everything you see
do right
do right
by me
do right
all you gotta do