Starring:
YEVGENY LEONOV
GEORGY VITSIN
SAVELY KRAMAROV
RADNER MURATOV
ERAST GARIN
NATALYA FATEYEVA
P. SHPRINGFELD, O. SOKOLOVA
A.PAPANOV, O.VIDOV, N.OLYALIN
GENTLEMEN OF FORTUNE
AN UNLYRICAL COMEDY
Archeological Expedition No 12.
- I'll bet there're snakes around.
- What snakes?
Cobras!
- Make the camel lie down.
- Down! Lie down, man!
Come on, Vassia, Vassia, Vassia...
Docent! Hey, Docent!
- He won't lie down!
- I'll clobber you!
Hear that? We'll clobber you!
Lie down, beast, I tell you!
- Where is it?
- Over there, in that yellow tent.
We move as soon as it's dark.
USSR Ministry of Internal Affairs
How much does the helmet weigh?
Five kilograms, 242 grams,
and it's pure gold.
Yes...
A pretty heavy hat.
Comrade Colonel,
it's more than a hat...
It's a rarity, it's archeologically
and historically unique.
Everything bears out our theory
that this is the helmet
which the Emperor Alexander
the Great of Macedonia lost
when he set out to subdue India.
Ask Slavin to come in. You should
guard your precious treasures.
- We had someone to guard it.
- No doubt...
For a thief it's not an archeological
treasure, but just a piece of gold.
He can take it apart, melt it down,
he might even sell it abroad.
Well...
The culprits' identities have been
established, they're all old offenders.
Yermakov...
Sheremetyev...
Biely, their chief.
- May I?
- Please.
He's a very dangerous criminal.
What a repulsive-looking individual!
Mother! I'm going to be late.
Coming, son.
Here you are. Eat, darling.
Thanks.
- Good morning.
- How are you?
How's my son doing? Is he behaving?
You'd better be strict with him.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Commuter's pass.
I have my ticket.
Kindergarten No. 82
- Hello, Yelena Nikolayevna.
- Good morning. They're not eating.
- Good morning.
- Good morning!
May I have your attention, comrades,
for just a minute!
Today, you're not going to eat
your breakfast here.
Instead we're going on a trip to Mars.
I appoint Igoryok commander.
- Igoryok, today you're a commander.
- Yes, sir!
Now take your cosmic spoons
and interplanetary forks,
and finish everything on your plates.
We won't be back on earth till lunch.
You're a genius!
- Yevgeny, can we see you for a minute?
- Sorry, I'm busy now.
But this man here insists.
Ah! I've caught you at last.
- To Docent!
- Yep.
It's something better
than picking pockets.
I'll get myself a car with a player,
fancy threads, and off to Yalta!
Get ready!
We'll nab all three!
- Well, what?
- Have you flogged the helmet?
- I just went fishing.
- Where? Why fishing?
Near the landing dock...
In an ice hole.
- Cross-eyes, can you swim?
- Me? Swim?
Now, in winter?
Our deal didn't include swimming.
- They've got us staked out.
- What do you mean?
I feel it...
I got radar antennas.
Time for us to split up.
- Good afternoon!
- That's it. End of the line!
This is where we get off, boys!
Who's afraid of the big bad wolf,
big bad wolf, big bad wolf?
Where're you running, stupid wolf,
old wolf, big bad wolf?
Who's afraid of the big bad wolf,
big bad wolf, big bad wolf?
Where're you running, stupid wolf,
old wolf, big bad wolf?
Very good!
A big hand, comrades!
Now comes the cruel, nasty wolf.
I'll huff and I'll puff,
and I'll blow your house down!
Well, that wasn't bad at all.
Thank you very much.
Only, you know, Igoryok,
you should be more scary.
I'll huff and I'll puff,
and I'll blow your house down!
Yevgeny Ivanovich, it's that man
again, the weird one.
Good afternoon, Comrade Troshkin.
Sit down.
- We've captured the thieves.
- Congratulations.
Too early to congratulate. The helmet
is missing. I've searched everywhere.
They won't tell where it is.
But we have an idea...
- I was sent to speak to you.
- I'm listening.
- We propose to put a wig on you.
- Well...
Then we're going to tattoo you...
and throw you in prison.
What do you mean?
What for?
It's a great idea! Your own mother
won't tell which of you is which.
- I don't see what you mean.
- Oh, Lord above, bless me!
The trial has been held, two of them
got 4 years. It's nothing, a holiday.
The one who I took you for
was given eight years.
The other two are doing their time
in Central Asia.
- This one, near Moscow. Understand?
- No.
Oh, Lord above, bless me!
We'll put you in jail along with
the other two,
and they will take you for this one.
That way you'll be able to learn from
them where the helmet is.
- Are you willing now?
- No.
- Why not?
- It's madness. What'll I say at home?
Just say you have to attend
a seminar for kindergarten teachers.
No, I can't do it.
I have my work, the children.
I must buy a Christmas tree.
And besides...
it isn't ethical.
Ethical, unethical!
We're the only ones who're being
so scrupulous: bail, rehabilitation.
We should do like the Turks did
in the olden times:
they put the thug
in a vat filled with shit,
and drove him through town.
Over him stood an executioner
with a saber in his hand,
and every five minutes he went
"swish" with his saber over the vat!
If the thief doesn't dive,
no more head.
So all day long he dived in the shit!
That was in Turkey.
It's warm there.
- To run away?
- Crash out, split, fade.
Very good.
- To talk gibberish?
- Slip your trolley.
- What's good?
- Akey-okey.
- What's a barroom?
- A grog mill.
- An easy burglary?
- A hop stop.
- An untrustworthy man?
- A wrong guy.
Pillar of the community?
I forgot...
Wait...
Mossback.
Yes, a mossback.
Wig, alright?
- May I try it?
- Go on.
Pull harder. It's a special glue.
He can even wash his head.
That's good.
- Good resemblance?
- Yes, but he's kind, the other's evil.
- Do you like it here?
- Cozy. Which is my bed?
Your sack.
- You've got to take the best spot.
- And where is that?
Yevgeny Ivanovich, don't you remember?
By the window, over there.
But someone's things are there.
Throw them on the floor.
When the owner comes back, you just
tell him to split, fade, get lost.
- Remember?
- Yes, I remember.
That's it. Soon they'll be returning
from work.
And don't forget, try to stress
that you've partly lost your memory.
If they start to beat you up,
knock on the door.
All right.
I mean, akey-okey.
Hey you!
Why'd you throw away my things?
You...
Listen, you...
You know...
What should I know?
Come on, be a good boy, will you?
Hey, it's Docent!
How you doing?
Welcome home!
- And you get lost!
- Right! Fade out!
He'd better get lost, or I'll clobber
him, whap him, gouge his blinkers out!
For the rest of your life you'll have
to work to pay for the bandages!
The knucklehead!
The fungus face!
Buzz off, boy,
or I'll bash your face in!
Why didn't you say so in the first
place?
Greetings, pen pals!
Well, I'll be a three-eyed owl!
- How you doing?
- Good old Raspy!
Hi, Docent!
Baby!
Listen, I've got a better spot for
your bunk, next to the slop-bucket!
- Who is he?
- Nicky of St. Pete's.
Listen, for less than that,
a lot less, much less,
I've strangled and torn guys apart!
Don't get sore, pal.
- I'll gouge your blinkers out!
- Help! The guy wants to blind me!
It's nothing serious.
Cross-eyes!
- Quiet!
- Huh? What?
- Where'd you ditch the helmet?
- Me?
Yes, you.
- You had the helmet, pal!
- Oh yeah? Then What did I do with it?
- How should I know?
- You're going to be sorry!
- What for?
- I'll hop you one!
Hey, cool it, Docent!
How would he know where the helmet is?
You dragged the helmet around.
You always kept the helmet in a bag.
When they busted us, it was not there.
You lost it yourself,
and now you try to pin it on me.
When anything goes wrong,
just blame it on old Cross-eyes.
- Don't you remember anything?
- Not A thing.
I dropped off that baggage rack
on the train.
Got bumped on the noggin. Here I
remember something, nothing there.
- Swear it!
- Let me never get out if I lie!
In between getting the helmet and my
trial, everything is like cut off.
Bullshit! One second you remember,
the next you don't.
It does happen.
I got sloshed once. When I woke up
at the police, I remembered nothing.
- I guess...
- Hold it!
- Remember how we got to Moscow?
- No.
- How we holed up in some chicken coop?
- All right, and then?
- We got smashed.
- Shut up!
Then a gink came up to see you,
you had a big chinfest in the yard.
- What gink?
- You said he worked in a cloakroom...
In a hall...
In a concert hall.
- I don't remember. What then?
- We went to A fence.
- Where?
- On the boulevard.
- What boulevard? What was it called?
- The main drag with all the cars.
I couldn't tell you the address.
I'd recognize the place though.
Could you guys please knock it off.
This is getting to be a real drag:
remember, don't remember. Let's sleep.
Flight 407
from Moscow has just landed.
- Where are you going?
- I'm going to prison.
No! I'm a kindergarten principal,
I can't run around the Soviet Union
with two wrong numbers of yours.
I was summoned by the colonel,
and he said:
since those two are not Muscovites
and don't know the streets' names,
they can point them out on the spot.
So organize a false break for them,
and they will take us to that helmet.
That is, naturally, if you manage
to convince Comrade Troshkin to do it.
No, you won't manage!
I take a plane,
dropping all the things I have to do,
I take a taxi,
and he doesn't want to do it!
- I don't want to.
- Why?
I've got a hundred children each year,
and all their mamas, dads, grandmas.
All our community have known me
for years!
And you want me to show myself
in Moscow
looking like this,
with thieves as companions?
Speaking about mamas...
Early this morning,
I dropped by your home
and I told your mother
the seminar would last 2 weeks longer.
At ten o'clock at the cement plant.
The driver is our man.
- You got clothes? And some cash?
- It's all ready.
Out in a haystack.
I know the place.
We'll be caught.
It's a plant and you're a sucker.
To hell with you!
I'm going to take your cut.
Yes...
- Not exactly comfortable.
- It's not a long ride. It'll do.
Repeat your orders.
Park by the cement mixing yards.
When the three of them
sneak into my tank truck,
I drive, without loading cement
into it, out to Alibakan.
At the crossroads, park and go in the
restaurant till the three men come out.
Do it!
Let's go!
- Where are you going?
- To the cement depot.
- Where's the cement depot?
- It's up there.
- Where?
- Over there!
That's not the cement depot,
the engine parts are there.
Are you crazy? You're out of your
mind. I saw them load cement there.
Have a look!
Move out!
Follow me!
We did it!
- Why's he stopping?
- Maybe A police check?
Go ahead!
That's it. It's full up.
Close it.
You said that we'd be riding
an empty tank!
- What slime!
- Same as in Turkey.
Come on!
Move it!
Hey! Wait!
Nikolai Grigorievich, don't you
think that it is pointless?
- So they made it out through the pipe?
- Then tell me where they are!
- There's no hay here.
- You're telling me!
You sure it isn't your memory again
playing tricks?
- Maybe it's not in a haystack?
- I'm going to clobber you!
Say, this is high grade cement.
You can't wash the stuff off.
- Listen, why did you break out?
- Everybody was, so I did, too.
He'll whack him,
or lightning strike me dead!
You better tell him, Raspy,
that it wasn't part of the deal.
You tell him himself.
Get out of here! Did you hear
what I said? Out! Go on!
You're a bad man, Cross-eyes.
You're just mean.
He's bound to sell out.
You hear, Docent?
He'll squeal right away.
Okay, we'd better keep him with us.
- Stop him!
- Hey, you!
Come on back.
How long were you in for?
I got a year.
Now you're going
to get three more years.
For breaking out. Article 188.
Docent! Look at that!
What do we do?
- We'll go dressed like this.
- Like this?
- They'll pick us up.
- We go dressed like this!
Let people think
we're on a track team.
Come on!
Clear the track, grandpa!
See you at the Olympic games!
Salaam aleichem!
Yes, what can I do for you?
Just a second.
- Slavin sends greetings.
- But who's Slavin?
- Vladimir Slavin.
- I don't know him. What d'you want?
- They made a reservation for us.
- How many of you?
Three...
That is, four...
There's one too many.
We'll manage somehow.
May I see your papers?
The coach will bring them tonight.
- What club are you running for, guys?
- Reserves of Labour.
- We have the keys!
- It's a habit.
What about groceries?
Yes, I'm starved.
It's chow-time at the camp.
Macaroni...
You just stay put.
I'll be right back.
Would you be so kind
as to lend me a pair of pants
for a few minutes? Our clothes are on
the way, but I've got to go out...
You want a game of chess?
When I come back.
Police station.
- Lieutenant Slavin?
- No one by That name here.
- What do you mean?
- I mean What I said.
- I'm Docent.
- Congratulations.
- Didn't they tell you I would call?
- What about?
- Hey, boy, what town is this?
- Novokassimsk.
- And Alibakan?
- Oh, it's a long way. 20 kilometers.
- Sit down.
- Thank you, I'd rather stand.
I'm from Moscow. I'm your colleague.
I'm principal of Kindergarten 82.
- There're four of us.
- All of you principals?
- In a way...
- Well, tell me your problem.
You see, a load of cement was poured
in a tank truck we were riding in.
Our clothes became useless.
I'm very embarrassed...
You're my only hope...
Could I borrow 19 rubles and
- Will that be enough for four?
- Yes, I made some calculations.
Come along.
This'll be the game room.
- And right here...
- This is nice.
This is going to be our gym.
- Plan sounds good.
- I'm glad you like it.
You and your principals will move
the radiators out of this room.
You can take them out that way.
There's another door there.
Stack them under the stairs.
And I'll pay you... twenty rubles.
All right?
All right. Only if you don't mind,
we would rather work at night.
It'd be better if you could put
the twenty rubles...
let's say, in this table here,
and maybe padlock this door.
When we get the room cleaned up,
we'll simply come in here
and take our pay out.
But mind you, my dear colleague,
it will be a solid padlock.
Check!
- Move your horse, you idiot!
- Shut up!
Mate!
Sorry.
Thank you very much.
Are you through?
No, I'm not through.
- I bet my razor for my coat and pants.
- Just the coat.
Here we go.
Well...
And I move here.
- Move your horse!
- Lay off!
Move your horse!
We move there.
- That is your move?
- Sure that's our move.
Checkmate!
Give me back my jacket.
What's the matter with you?
Whom are you hitting?
My ears! My ears!
Comrades!
Are you out of your minds?
Break it up!
- Take it off and give it back!
- Get stuffed!
That'll teach you!
Take it off!
Disgraceful!
Shame on you, comrade!
On your feet!
If you don't want
to go back to the can,
if you want to find the helmet,
you've got to quit all your squabbles!
No gambling! No drinking!
And no stealing... without me!
No jargon and no nicknames!
We address each other by our names!
- Your real name?
- Gavrila Petrovich.
Fedya.
- Ali Baba.
- Didn't you hear me? No nicknames!
It's my last name!
Name - Vassily Alibabayevich, Vassia.
Just like the camel's.
You call me Yevgeny...
I mean, Alexander Sanych. Got that?
- Answer me! Everyone got it?
- We got you.
Sit down!
Tonight, after dark,
we're going to do a blast.
- Is he coming too?
- Everybody's coming.
He'll sing if things get hot.
First blast we do, he'll crack.
Come here...
Come over here, Fedya.
Sit down, take this pen, and write
down:
Wrong number - dash -
untrustworthy man.
To sing - dash -
to betray.
Things get hot - dash -
work has become dangerous.
A blast - dash
a dangerous job.
You've got that?
And now tell Vassia what you said
before,
only this time the way
honest citizens speak. Go on.
This untrustworthy man
will betray us if our work
has become dangerous.
Seventy one...
- Forty-six.
- What? Thirty-two!
What is this? Filthy little louse!
Alexander Sanych! Gavrila Petrovich
called me names using the lingo.
No more arguments!
- Quiet.
- What is it?
That Vassily Alibabayevich...
That untrustworthy man...
dropped his load on my toes, bastard!
It's here!
The Evils of Drink
- Perhaps they've killed him?
- Nikolai Georgievich!
At 8:20 he left the hotel and
led his track team to the stadium.
At 9:00 he bought four sweat
shirts at the department store.
At 9:20 our man approached him.
At the moment they're moving at
a reduced speed in our direction.
Yevgeny Ivanovich!
I was afraid that you were dead.
I feel so sleepy!
- Mind if I cop a nod, Gavrila?
- You don't!
Here we stand out like
three sore thumbs in the bleachers,
and you want to wallow in the sun
like a sleepy dog.
What are you spitting for, Vassia?
To think I robbed children.
Worse than a jackal or hyena!
I stole the kindergarten money!
You're getting civilized as hell!
On your old job at a gas station
you did worse than that,
spiking gasoline with camel piss.
That was just gas...
This was children.
- Where are you off to?
- To prison.
- No, don't do that!
- Let him go.
He already had one year, escape is
three, five for the kindergarten.
Go ahead, Vassia.
Now read!
Sign for it. There's cash for four,
for housing and meals...
And new clothing.
- This is for you.
- Thank you.
But why for four? Does that Vassily
have to tag along?
Yes, he has.
If we arrest him now,
it would give the other two
cause for suspicion.
Your address in Moscow will be
- The apartment?
- You'll pick the one you want.
The house is going to be torn down.
The tenants moved out.
- But then it isn't heated!
- Right, there's no heat...
- And no electricity.
- You see?
Wouldn't it be better if they stay
at my country house?
I have a house not far from Moscow.
Very kind of you. Only in neutral
territory I will feel a lot safer.
- Do they give you 2 years for escape?
- They do.
I demand that this law should not be
applied to my companions.
Don't worry about it.
Abakan - Moscow
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
He's really laying it on! I guess
he really bumped his noggin hard.
Hey, Docent, those are some cop
clodhoppers you bought!
I got 'em from a ragman.
Not in a department store.
There's a taxi.
Go after it.
- Hey, buddy, are you free?
- Sure I'm free.
Is it here? There're trees here,
a boulevard, a gray house.
Now look, fella!
You hard of hearing or what?
We said it was this kind of a tree.
A fir tree?
What do you mean, fir tree?
Didn't we say it was this way?
You've got to explain it better!
It's already costing us eight rubles.
- Was there a pond?
- No pond. Just puddles.
Was there a monument?
- There was a monument!
- Whose monument was it?
How should I know? Some gink...
- With a beard?
- No.
- Did he have sideburns?
- I don't remember that.
- He wore a jacket!
- Was he seated?
- What?
- Was he sitting down?
- Who?
- The gink you were talking about.
What a yokel!
How could he do that?
How could the poor guy sit down?
An iron monument like that?
Where to now?
Home I guess.
Why don't you buy a map? Knucklehead!
Here are some concert tickets.
Follow up your lead on the cloakroom.
I found it!
There it is, the fellow
with the jacket!
And over there is the tree!
Hello there,
don't you recognize me, girl?
No.
Now listen, Docent! I told you
I was going to turn legit.
- Didn't I?
- You did.
- Did I tell you you'd better not come?
- You did.
- Did I tell you I'd throw you out?
- Did you?
I sure did.
So don't take it too hard.
- What have you got there?
- I need it.
Wipe your feet, please.
Close the door.
Say, this is a groove.
You like it?
Dinner is ready, fellas.
Sit down to chow, please.
Good work, Vassily.
Good old spuds, eh?
You can bake them in the ashes, too.
When we went camping at the orphanage,
we put them in the ashes from a fire.
I had a funny experience at the front...
My unit camped near Kursk...
You at the front?
Hang up, will you?
You've been thrown down the stairs
real hard. Your memory's all gone.
I guess you're right.
Oh fir tree green...
Oh fir tree green...
Thy leaves are green forever.
They all are green in summer's prime,
They all are green in winter time.
Alexander Sanych,
let me have a little money, will you?
I'll buy a kerosene burner. Our coal
burner is no good. Might set a fire.
Yeah, you can have some cash.
It's gone!
I had it in my pocket.
Have you lost it?
- Might have dropped it.
- Nah, the taxi driver pinched it.
There was something about him
I didn't like from the start.
Yeah, we all look like wrong numbers.
- What do we do now?
- Got to pull a little job, Docent.
Shut up! Listen, Docent, I'm going
to look around the market with Raspy.
No!
All of us will go!
Hey, you over there, you can't go
that way. Go this way.
You might get hit by the snow.
We're shoveling snow off the roof.
Don't go that way, granny!
Go this way!
Otherwise you get hit by the snow!
Come on.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
- Could you tell me please...
- Splendid weather, isn't it?
- Yes, it's nice out.
- Go ahead. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Go on.
The best weapon of the thief
is courtesy.
You take the third floor,
and you the fifth. Do it!
Why are you sighing like that?
- A thieving jackal, that's what I am.
- And What are you stealing?
Today I'm the lookout...
They've done the job!
I must go.
Hey you, stop!
Come back here!
Follow me, children, and hurry!
- Good afternoon, Yevgeny Ivanovich!
- Good afternoon, children.
- Halt!
- Excuse me.
Yevgeny Ivanovich!
Where are you going?
Just like a ballet!
The white swan!
- You've seen ballets?
- Yes.
Back in 1954 my wife and I
took a vacation
and visited Moscow.
She dragged me to the ballet
day and night.
- Where's your wife now?
- Got no wife.
She's passed on?
I am dead.
- We have to lie low, Docent.
- Why?
The janitor got us cased. If we show
up in the street, we'll be snagged.
I want ladies' shoes...
Three pairs.
Size eleven, thirteen and fourteen.
Nice legs.
What time is it, miss?
- Quarter past six.
- Miss!
What's your name, miss?
- Tanya.
- My name's Fedya.
Stupid!
That's him!
That's the man who came to see you.
Do you want opera glasses?
They'll grab us here.
You better hole up in the john.
Come in.
Nadyusha, I have to see someone.
Here's your number.
Do you recognize me?
What do you say?
Tomorrow. Square in front of
the Bolshoi Theatre. Five o'clock.
Excuse me.
Men
- Haven't you made a mistake, ladies?
- Come on in, man!
- What are you staring at?
- Excuse me.
Where's he? We're going to get snagged
here. We should've gone to the jane.
Here comes another one.
Let's split!
The cash!
It's under a floorboard,
where I hid it!
I see.
That's him who stole the cash!
You wrong number!
- Who are you calling a wrong number?
- I'll tear you apart!
Stop it!
Break it up!
Watch out!
It has been known all along,
There's no fun without a song.
And even if it's raining today,
We should remember, I and you,
There's no reason to feel blue,
Tomorrow'll be better than yesterday.
Wake up and sing!
Wake up and sing!
And just keep smiling,
For once in your life, darling!
Wait for me right here.
However capricious may be luck,
it chooses those who don't duck
An opportunity to laugh at one's own
wrong.
Sing going to bed, sing in your sleep,
sing in the morn!
Professor Maltsev, please.
...All that is gone
Cannot return.
It's one-way street, no going back,
And if you're now off the track,
Tomorrow you'll get back in the saddle.
Wake up and sing, wake up and sing,
And just keep smiling,
For once in your life, keep smiling!
- Fedya! It's you?
- Mishka!
- How are you, fella?
- How are you doing, Fedya?
I can hardly believe it's really you!
- It's not really him.
- Hey, get outta here!
Well, what are you doing?
I work as an engineer.
And you?
Way to go!
Me?
He's a thief!
- That's not funny, granny.
- No, it's not funny.
- Come on.
- Where are we going?
We'll live in the country. I've just
made connections with the fence.
- Who is he?
- Fedya Yermakov.
We were in the orphanage together.
- Stop pouting. I had to.
- Listen here, Docent.
I know you're the headman around here.
But why say it in front of Mishka?
You've seen him.
He's not like us.
He was so happy to see me...
And you called me a thief.
- What'll he think about me now?
- You're in for a surprise.
- He will envy you!
- Envy Me?
Sure! Who is he?
Just a regular engineer.
How does he live anyway? Goes to
work mornings, comes home at night...
To his wife and sniveling brats.
So now and then he goes to a show,
in the summer to Yalta on vacation.
Intolerable boredom!
And who are you?
A gentleman of fortune, outlaw,
robber, you really live.
You steal, drink, crash into jail.
It's much more romantic!
So cheer up!
Of course, the guy envies you!
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Lift your knees up!
No cheating!
Fall in right here.
Quick march!
That's it.
One, two, clap your hands.
One, two, stamp your feet.
Feet higher, don't bend your knees!
Squat! Up!
Good! And now we proceed
with special ablutions!
- This is good!
- Docent, I have a cold.
- I'm going to clobber you!
- That's all you can say, huh?
Snowflakes white and fluffy
make a magic sight,
Snowdrifts have grown
all over outside.
Thank you very much.
And one more thing, Yelena Nikolaevna,
don't tell anyone for the time being
that you met me in Moscow.
Why was I made up this way?
It was a sort of contest
for the best bogeyman.
I'm sorry...
Yes?
Dinner is ready!
I said hands off the stuff in here.
You're going to wreck the piano.
He also drew a naked woman on
the mirror with some lipstick.
- Why?
- Are you going to chow or not?
Ah!
Good old spuds!
- Your hands!
- My hands?
Let's see your hands!
Go and wash!
A man can't even eat!
Wash, wash, wash...
San Sanych!
Let me have some cash, will you?
I've got to buy a butane burner.
The gas range doesn't work.
Listen to my orders!
You don't fiddle with anything!
You don't light any fires!
You'll wash everybody's clothes,
and you two...
You learn some English, from here
to here. You will have an oral test.
If you don't know your lesson,
I'll gouge your blinkers out
and, how does it go? I'll clobber you!
You get that?
- What's the use of learning English?
- We'll pull a blast at the embassy!
What's the English for "pencil"?
A table?
A girl?
- A broad.
- No. In English?
- Girl!
- O yes, yes - girl.
Yes, yes, we'll get in a mess.
Hello there! So you're the ones
who are staying here?
No, we're not.
The owner lives in Moscow.
Yes, I know.
I'm the owner.
This is Vassia. He's our adviser
in scientific research.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Hello.
You're good housekeepers.
Doing all your laundry?
- I can't make my husband do a thing.
- Docent would make him.
Come on, let's have some tea.
I've brought a pie.
She's the landlord's daughter,
the fence's!
Only she thinks that her papa
is an archeologist.
He snow-jobbed her saying that we
were scientists. Keep up this story.
I phoned papa to find out who were you.
He said, archeologists from Tomsk.
So I hurried down, because last year,
when we were in Tomsk,
your professor Zelentsov
gave us a royal welcome.
Isn't the professor with you?
No!
We only brought Docent.
- What's your name?
- Ludmila.
You can call me Fedya.
- What are you working on now?
- Well... digging things up.
How interesting! You take from
the earth treasures lost for centuries...
Oh, how I envy you!
Maybe you could take me along,
though I have no special training.
- I could be a cook or whatever...
- That All depends On A person.
A friend of mine, a scientist too,
he finished three years of school.
His banknote drawings are so good
they look just like real ones.
- Is he the man?
- I can't say for sure.
I'll have to get a closer look.
- Have you a light by any chance?
- I don't smoke.
- Well?
- No, it's not him.
- So he's a dick.
- You're right.
We've checked: there's no helmet at
the addresses given by Docent's men.
There's only one lead left:
Prokhorov, the cloakroom man.
We haven't been able to check it yet,
he didn't come to the appointed place.
He might have got suspicions. He quit
his job and didn't go back home.
- We better find him.
- What'll we do now?
And you... We apologize
and thank you.
You may take the wig off, wash
the tattoos off, and go home.
I wish you a happy new year.
We are very grateful.
- And the boys?
- They'll be sent back to prison.
But if your cloakroom man appears,
you'll be needing us.
I would prefer not to tell you this,
but today Biely, or Docent, escaped
from jail, very close to Moscow.
- He broke out?
- Hard to believe, but it's a fact.
It would be too dangerous for you
to impersonate this man now.
Maybe tomorrow, then?
It's New Year's Eve today, a holiday.
They've been trying so hard.
We're living in the country.
Docent will never find us there.
All right.
Only stay in the house.
Oh yes, your message was forwarded
to Sheremetyev's wife.
Here's her reply
addressed to her husband.
Do you promise you'll come for dinner
at our home New Year's day?
We'll be there!
It's so sad.
Such a nice girl!
And yet her father is a speculator.
What's all the noise about?
And why did you leave the house?
Here he is again...
The untrustworthy fellow.
Happy New Year!
Vassia...
Gavrila Petrovich...
Fedya...
Comrades!
A brand new year is beginning,
and I hope that in this year
everything will be brand new for you!
We can't tell what's in the cards,
but I want you to know that wherever
you are, wherever I am,
I will always remember you, men.
And believe me, I'll find you.
Just a minute... I'll be right back.
Just a second...
- Where's he going?
- The devil only knows...
You can never tell with him.
I know what he meant. He said
he'd find us, and he'd bleed us, too.
- You mean he'll bleed us to death?
- No other way.
Look what they say he did to Pockface!
Took his razor and "swish"!
- Curtains!
- Nothing but a wild beast, a hyena!
Knock, knock, knock... Who's there?
Santa Claus!
And he's brought you some presents.
- Fedya, come over here.
- What did I do now?
Come here I said.
This is for you.
Something to wear at home.
What good is it to me?
I've got no home.
You will though. Everything will come
in time. They'll be useful in prison.
Anything for a laugh.
For you, Vassia.
Gavrila Petrovich, this is for you.
Thanks very much.
Hey, it's virgin wool!
And there's this, too, for you.
To us. Drink up.
Like acid!
- What a drag not having vodka!
- Do you have to get drunk like swine?
- What else is there to do?
- Tell people the dreams you have.
You sound like a headshrinker
in a courtroom.
We can play indoor games, if you want.
Am I a sucker to play with you?
You play with a stacked deck.
But why poker, comrades?
There're many interesting games.
We can play hide and seek.
I know a good game called "cities".
I start and say "Tula", then you pick
one that begins with "A", Astrakhan.
Then you think "N", Novgorod.
You got it?
It's now your turn, Fedya.
- Why me?
- Name a city that starts with "D".
- Vorkuta.
- Vorkuta? Why?
- I did time there.
- All right.
- You name a city starting with "A".
- Dzhambul.
- Dzhambul? Why Dzhambul?
- Because It's warm there.
There's my home and my old mama.
All right.
I think I know a better game.
Say I leave and you hide some object
here. I come back and find it.
- All right, Fedya?
- You'd better find the helmet.
- Shut up!
- We'll hide the thing and he'll peek.
Why would I peek? All right,
you leave and hide it somewhere else.
I'll stay here.
And you keep an eye on me.
Why does it have to be me? Anything
goes wrong, you pin it on me.
I'll clobber you!
I'm going to bash your face in!
Clobber, clobber...
- Docent, were you ever a little boy?
- Of course, I was.
- You had a papa and mama?
- Yes.
How can you be so nasty, then?
You're as mean as a mad dog.
Oh, Vassia...
- Got the thing hidden?
- Raspy's hanged himself.
- There's our man.
- You're here too, are you?
I was about to go to your joint,
but I smelt a trap.
I could just feel it.
I could feel it down in my bones.
Mityai,
you got to hide me for a while.
Come on.
- Where are we going?
- Go on.
Sorry, doctor,
your ambulance came for nothing.
It's all right. Just give him some
sedative, hot tea and let him sleep.
Thank you.
Does it hurt, Gavrila?
Plenty, Vassia.
Read it again.
Again?
Dear papa,
the news that you were in prison
made us very happy,
because we thought you were dead.
I'd like to know
who was the lousy skunk
that tipped off Raspy's kids
about him?
And mama was happy too,
because when your letter came
she cried all day long.
She used to tell us you were a pilot
who made test flights...
Yeah, test flights out of the cooler.
Anyway I'm very glad
you're still alive.
Mama says...
you're good and kind,
only you have a weak character.
That's it! He's a weak character!
Steals our bread and tries to pin it
on a hack driver!
Get lost, you hear?
Or I'm going to bash your teeth in!
Cut it out!
What's wrong with you anyhow?
Shame on you!
You're over 40 years old,
half of your lives is past now.
What's your past like?
What will be your future?
Muck and ignorance and fear,
nothing human.
Snap out of it while the time's still
ripe! Take my advice!
Listen, Docent! We got to get out of
here, that doctor will turn us in.
- No, she won't.
- What makes you think so?
I just bled her with my razor,
and threw her in the well.
To Colonel Verchenko,
from kindergarten principal Troshkin.
Forward this letter if necessary.
I'm going to tell these men who I am.
I haven't the right
to deceive them any longer.
If something should happen to me,
please don't accuse anyone.
Let's see, how much time was I
serving?
One year.
How much will I get for the escape?
Three years.
And then the kindergarten and
the flat? Well, say ten years.
- How much is that in all?
- 14.
And because of some measly 14 years
I have to put up with that murderer?
The one who throws little old ladies
into a well?
Do anything you like,
but I go to the police.
Go ahead.
He won't touch you.
How about you?
Are you going to put up with him
till you're both dead?
Vassia... Vassia!
I told him that I had a cold,
but he said...
Squash it! Who gives a damn
about your cold?
Come here.
Where are you, guys?
Here we are.
- What are you doing?
- We're just sweeping the carpet.
Listen, comrades... Finita la commedia!
First I'm going to remove this.
Watch me now... One, two...
Three!
When I've done my time...
I'll quit!
That'll be it.
Then I'm going to get a job.
What job?
- As a night guard in your village?
- Why A night guard?
I can be a janitor, or a bricklayer,
or a translator.
I know English now.
If only we had that hat with us.
Who's Docent?
A wrong guy.
You have plenty of those,
but only one gold hat.
If we turn that helmet in,
our sentence might be reduced.
Where could he have stashed it?
We've tried everywhere.
You no good crook!
I told you I had a cold.
And all you could say was "clobber".
Made me dive in this weather.
- When did he make you do that?
- When they nabbed us, remember?
He told us he went fishing,
and he made me dive in the water,
when it was thirty below.
Wait a minute.
What did he say about fishing?
That he'd been fishing through an ice
hole, and he asked me if I could swim.
He put the helmet in that ice hole!
Look at him! He remembers!
It's in the hole, in Malakhovka!
And you kept it from us! You could've
left a note when you hanged yourself!
- Come on!
- And him?
Leave him for the cops.
He's too heavy to drag him along.
Come on!
Archeologists! Hello?
- There's not a damn thing here.
- It's there, at the bottom.
- Go on, dive.
- But Why Me?
Cross-eyes is always the scapegoat!
- Vassia, tell him to do it himself.
- No. I'd catch my death of a cold.
Afraid to catch cold?
A guy who's hanged himself!
You guys looking for something?
Dive for it!
And make it quick!
- Which way to the landing dock, girl?
- Straight ahead.
I'd waste you, boys...
but I've got other things to do.
Halt!
They are doubling up!
And a third one is back at the house!
Halt!
One!
Good for you, Fyodor Petrovich!
Two!
The more Docents we deliver,
the better for us.
What about us?
We give up, too!
They've shaved his head already.