The rumors of my promiscuity
have been greatly exaggerated.
I used to be anonymous,
invisible to the opposite sex.
If Google Earth were a guy...
... he couldn't find me if I was
dressed up as a 10-story building.
Pretty cutting-edge stuff, huh?
A high school girl feeling anonymous.
Who am I? What does it all mean?
Why am I here? Blah.
But don't worry,
this isn't one of those tales.
Though it sure started out that way.
And then it changed pretty quickly
when I started lying...
... about some very personal things.
So let the record show that I,
Olive Penderghast...
... being of sound mind,
and below-average breast size...
... swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth...
... and nothing but the truth.
Starting now.
And what better way
to share my private thoughts...
... than to broadcast them
on the Internet?
So here it is. Part one.
The shudder-inducing and cliched,
however totally false account...
...of how I lost my virginity
to a guy at a community college.
Let me just begin by saying
that there are two sides to every story.
And this is my side, the right one.
George is not a sexy name.
George is what you name
your teddy bear...
...not the name you wanna
scream out during climax.
And by that, I assume you mean?
The stable and self-perpetuating
end stage...
...in the evolution
of a plant community.
- Right.
- Why, what were you thinking?
The same. But I don't say it out loud
lest someone get the wrong idea.
I think you know innuendo
is attached to everything these days.
Innuendo? What...?
Whatever do you mean?
Rhiannon, Olive, go hit the books.
They don't hit back.
Also, hugs not drugs.
Mess with the bull, get the horns.
And any other cliches
you can come up with.
Bye, Mr. Griffith.
Bye.
- Watch your mouth.
- Sorry.
Mr. Griffith is my favorite teacher.
Although,
after all the trouble I caused...
... I don't know if I'm still
his favorite student.
You know, these are bad for you.
It leads to unwanted pregnancy,
all sorts of things.
Mismatched tires on your vehicle,
which is nonexistent.
And here is where the trouble began.
The lie that started the whole thing.
Please, please, I'm begging you.
I will pay you. I'll pay you.
Rhi, I cannot go camping
with you, okay?
I'm sorry, but I have a date.
- Okay? I told you.
- With who?
- You don't know him.
- And neither do you, you selfish bitch.
Yes, I do.
He goes to college with my brother.
Okay. What's his name, then?
Rhiannon is what you'd call
a strong personality.
She asked me to come camping
with her family...
... and I don't know why
I didn't wanna go.
A little because I didn't feel like
hanging out with her all weekend.
But mostly because her parents are
the weirdest people I have ever met...
... and I live in California.
I ate dinner at her house once
and I swore, never again.
- This is interesting.
- Patchouli burger.
We grew it in our victory garden.
You want some dessert?
No, thank you.
I'm trying to watch my figure.
Well, I'm not.
So I lied and told her I couldn't go...
... because I had a date with a friend
of my brother's named George.
Let's just face it, there is no such thing
as a sexy George.
Yeah, well, mine is...
...so I think we should just
put this conversation to bed.
Fine, don't go camping with us.
Just know I hate you, bitch.
Go get your chocolate milk.
- Do you want one?
- No.
And here's how I really spent
the weekend.
That's the worst song ever.
But on Monday, when Rhi asked me
how my weekend was...
He was charming, you know?
He was a real gentleman.
And it feels like I got a love
and I know that it's all mine.
Okay, okay. Wait, wait.
So are you going to see him again?
No. No, probably not. You know,
it was just one of those weekends.
A whole weekend?
Yup.
- Wait a minute. You didn't have...?
- What?
No. No, of course not.
You liar.
You totally lost your V-card to him.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- Tell me everything.
- Rhi, I'm not that kind of girl.
The kind that does it,
or the kind that does it...
...and doesn't have the balls
to tell her friend?
- What?
- I want every detail.
- Rhi.
- Now, bitch.
You know, you call me "bitch" a lot.
Okay?
- It's not a term of endearment.
- I want every detail. Now, shitface.
You're not heading
in the right direction.
Tell me.
Fine.
We did it.
Yes!
Finally.
Now you're a super slut like me.
I don't think letting Peter Hedlund
motorboat you...
...behind a Bed Bath & Beyond
really makes you a super slut.
There were a lot of people walking
past. Someone could've easily seen.
Whatever. This isn't about me,
this is about you.
What'd you let him do?
It was normal. You know?
Nothing freaky.
I don't know why I did it.
I guess maybe it was because
it was the first time...
... I had sort of felt superior to Rhi.
But I just started piling on lie after lie.
It was like setting up Jenga.
Do you know, like, Glade candles?
Those kind, but they were, like,
sexy Glade candles.
- He was sweet. He was...
- Of course.
What the hell are you looking at,
Sister Christian?
Just a couple of admitted whores.
Marianne Bryant is the secretary
of the student council...
... chairman of the Orange Blossom
dance committee...
... and president of
the Cross Your Heart Club...
... a club dedicated to shoving
their beliefs down people's throats.
Obviously they don't care.
Last year's cause celebre was
the changing of the school mascot.
Give it up for your Blue Devils!
Blue!
Blue Devil!
Yeah.
Yeah!
How can we exhibit school pride
when we're conveyed to others...
...as Satan worshippers?
Now, thankfully,
we're the much less intimidating...
Give it up for the Woodchucks!
Hey! Go, Woodchucks!
Woodchucks!
I liked Todd much better
when he was topless.
Yeah, but even dressed as a
woodchuck, I still fantasize about him.
Woodchucks.
Now Marianne had
a new cause celebre.
Me.
Which brings us to part two.
The accelerated velocity
of terminological inexactitude.
Which is really just my obnoxious way
of saying that lies travel fast.
And, boy, did my terminological
inexactitude accelerate with velocity.
Did you hear about Olive?
No way.
- She's not a virgin anymore?
- I can't believe it.
- Olive lost her virginity.
- Yeah.
Maybe next time a certain somebody
will be a little more careful...
...what she says in the water closet.
Yeah, about that? It's...
That's actually not what you think.
Can I talk to you alone
for a second?
- You gonna be okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.
Bye, Nina.
What you heard in the bathroom
the other day wasn't true at all.
- It's actually a funny story.
- Olive. That's your name, right?
Yeah, yeah. And you're Marianne.
We've had nine classes together
since kindergarten.
Ten, if you count Religion
of Other Cultures, which you didn't...
...because you refused to go.
Yeah. Listen, I'm not the one
that you have to answer to...
...for your depraved behavior.
There's a higher power
that will judge you for your indecency.
Tom Cruise?
I hope for your sake
that God has a sense of humor.
Oh, I have 17 years' worth
of anecdotal proof he does.
You've made your bed.
I just hope for your sake
that you've cleaned the sheets.
- Did I just get saved?
- I missed you.
Oh, you too.
So Marianne spread the rumor.
For the first time ever, my sexual
exploits were the talk of the school.
Oh, you know what? I'm wrong.
It was the second time.
The first time was back
in 8th grade...
... when all I wanted was a kiss from
this guy I had always had a crush on.
Todd and I were thrown together
in Seven Minutes of Heaven.
Luckily we had a super romantic
song from our youth to set the mood.
I think this is the part...
...where you're supposed to
stick your tongue in my mouth.
That's what I've heard, anyway.
Just give me a second, okay?
According to my watch,
you have 382 of them.
- How do you do that?
- What?
Add so fast.
And you also talk like a grown-up.
Don't worry, I'm not nearly as smart
as I think I am.
So if we didn't do anything,
could you still tell people we kissed?
Absolutely.
- Thanks, Olive.
- Sure, Todd.
I actually didn't wanna lie that time.
When people thought
I'd kissed someone, they didn't care.
But when they thought
I slept with someone...
Hey, Olive. How's it going?
I'm swell,
Guy-I've-Never-Talked-to-Before.
Thanks for asking.
All I could think to myself was,
"Great, now I'm a tramp."
I'm gonna have to get
a lower-back tattoo...
... and pierce something
not on my face.
You guys know that
I was here all weekend, right?
- Yeah.
- Yes, you were upstairs.
- Yeah.
- You would testify to that?
- Yeah.
- I would take a bullet for you.
You know that.
Right between the eyes.
Man, I would slit my throat...
...rather than say something
to someone...
...that you didn't want me to say.
- That's not necessary.
- But that is comforting.
- That's how I am, how I roll.
That's how I do, as they say.
- I like the pants.
- Thank you. They're Costco.
You can have them
when you get taller.
- I'm never gonna go through puberty.
- Course you will.
But we're a family of late bloomers.
I didn't until I was 14. Nor did Olive.
Why does that matter? I'm adopted.
What? Oh, my God. Who told you?
Guys, we were gonna do this
at the right time.
Listen to me.
Sometimes, even when a man and
a woman love each other very much...
...like your mother and I used to...
...their insides just don't cooperate
with each other.
So, what's going on, honey?
Why do you want us to take a bullet
if anyone asks if you were here?
It's nothing. It's just the rumor mill.
What's the rumor mill churning out
these days? Anything interesting?
You know, not really. Not really.
It's a little low on grist.
Clever wordplay. I like it.
You must be related to me.
- Only by marriage.
- Give it to me.
So, what we're all gonna take away
from this:
- I was here all weekend, right?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Remember how I told you
Google Earth couldn't find me...
... if I was dressed up
as a ten-story building?
Well, the next day it could find me if I
was dressed as a crack on a sidewalk.
That's the beauty of being
a girl in high school.
People hear you had sex once
and, bam, you're a bimbo.
I really didn't mean for the lie
to put me on the map...
... but I gotta admit,
I kind of liked being on the map.
So, clearly Nathaniel Hawthorne
is a complex writer.
Even I had trouble with him.
I read him originally when I was 5,
but I struggled.
So I'm gonna break it down for you.
I'm gonna throw some rhymes.
Anson, drop me a beat.
- What?
- Give me a beat.
Push it up.
Yeah, adultery, vengeance
Crimes of passion
Kill the beat.
I'm not gonna rap for you.
It's pandering
and it's been done before...
...in every bad movie
you've ever seen. Okay.
Ironically, we were studying
The Scarlet Letter.
Now, isn't that always the way?
The books you read in class always
have some strong connection...
... with whatever angsty
adolescent drama is going on.
Except for Huckleberry Finn.
I don't know any teenage boys...
... who have ever run away
with a big, hulking black guy.
For those who haven't read
The Scarlet Letter...
...or for those who said you did
but didn't, here's all you need to know.
This girl, Hester Prynne,
has an affair with a minister...
... is besmirched and made to wear
a red A for "adulterer."
The town realizes
she was too harshly judged...
... and she's really a good person,
and she dies a saint.
A whole bunch
of other stuff happens too.
If you have a test on it, rent the movie,
but make sure it's the original...
...not the Demi Moore version where
she talks in a fake British accent...
...and takes a lot of baths.
To say that one was freely adapted
is a bit of an understatement, guvnor.
What we have to realize...
...is that Hester lived
in an entirely different time.
A time when the worst crime a woman
could commit was in fact adultery.
Nina.
I think Hester Prynne was...
Excuse my language... . A skank.
A skank? So you don't think
she was a victim at all?
Why should I?
She brought it on herself.
Perhaps you should embroider a red A
on your wardrobe, abominable tramp.
Perhaps you should get a wardrobe,
you abominable twat.
Not my best line,
but it was provocative enough...
... to land me in the principal's office.
Seems as if someone's
on a downward spiral.
Seems as if someone's
practicing the mundane activities...
...she'll be saddled with
the rest of her life.
I hope you at least had the good sense
to use protection.
Why? Your parents didn't.
- You're going to hell.
- Just as long as you won't be there.
I can assure you I won't.
Good.
I don't care who started it.
Just work it out.
Penderghast.
So why am I just meeting you?
Language like this would've
warranted a visit years ago.
This is the first time I've done anything
remotely misbehavioral.
This is foul.
I know. I am so...
I'm really, really sorry.
Sorry you said it
or sorry you got caught?
Sorry I said it, honestly.
And sorry I got caught a little bit too,
but mostly just sorry I said it.
If you use a word like this again in my
school, it'll be your last. Understand?
Yes, sir. Yes.
I mean, this isn't one of
those progressive schools...
...where teachers are called
by their first names...
...and students
are partners in learning...
...and there's a fundraising auction
at the end of the year...
...where the more creative parents
put on musical skits...
...about the community garden.
This is public school.
If I can keep the girls off the pole and
the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.
Now, if you're sent to me
one more time...
...you're gonna be out on your fantail.
Now, am I making myself clear?
Yes, sir.
- Good.
- I think so.
I mean, I got a little lost in the middle,
but I found my way back.
Detention after school tomorrow.
Now, out.
Even though it was my slutty alter ego
that said a bad word in school...
... it was my ass that got in trouble...
... which was a place my ass
had never been before.
Hey, Olive.
Oh, my God. The illusion is shattered.
They put you in the gas chamber if you
take your head off at Disney World.
I think they just fire you.
You're thinking of Disneyland.
- Disney World is more liberal.
- Oh, yeah.
I always forget Disney World
went blue in the last election.
Are you going
to Melody Bostic's party?
I hadn't planned on it.
Me neither. My cousin's getting
married. It's a rehearsal dinner.
See you. Stay excellent.
You too.
- What's up, kid?
- Woodchuck.
Please tell me the rumors are true.
Yes. Yes. I am a big, fat slut.
No, the one where you got suspended
for calling Nina Howell a dick...
...and punching her in the left tit.
I worry about the way information
circulates at this school.
Rhi? I need to tell you something.
Like the exact moment
you turned into such a badass?
- I think I'm in love with you.
- Okay.
Tell me you left a mark
on that scrunched-up face of hers?
- It's not true.
- It wasn't the left tit?
It was the right one.
I always pegged you for a southpaw.
Can you listen to me
for one second, please?
Okay. It didn't happen.
Oh, yeah, right. Your secret's safe
with me, you little sex monkey.
I got sent to the principal today.
Did you win a medal or something?
Not exactly.
I used inappropriate language
in English class.
Although we're reading a book
that I personally deem...
...inappropriate for our age group,
so I actually felt it was quite apropos.
What did you say?
Let's just say
it was an inappropriate word.
Well, what did it start with?
A snide comment
from a snotty girl in my class.
No, I mean what letter
did the word start with?
- T.
- Oh, T.
- T? Let us think. T, T, T.
- T. All right, T. Yeah, T.
- T, T, T.
- T, T, T.
- Guys.
- Noun, adjective or verb?
Noun. It's definitely slang.
Think British.
Tallywhacker? Termagant?
You're just saying sounds.
Those are sounds.
- Spell it with your peas.
- Yeah, spell it with your peas. Do it.
- I will take that challenge.
- Do it.
I like that. All right.
So does this have anything to do
with the rumor...
...that you mentioned the other night?
Do you need to talk to us
about something, sweetie?
What's a twit?
That's an A, honey.
It'll get you sent
to the principal's office.
Sit down.
We're lucky that this
is not a common occurrence.
What would my punishment
have been otherwise?
- Bed without supper, I guess.
- But I'm already finished.
- No dating. No dating.
- Yeah, no dating.
- No dating for you, young lady.
- No dating.
I think my complete lack of allure...
...already kind of
shot that horse in the face.
I wouldn't know how to be grounded
more than you know how to ground.
That's right. Love you. Come here.
And I bet that girl was acting
like exactly what you called her.
Oh, you have no idea.
I got a B-plus
on my spelling test today.
That's good, honey, but everything
has spell check these days, so...
Just kidding.
Where are you from originally?
So the next day I had detention...
... which, thanks to recent budget cuts,
meant cleaning.
I was looking forward to
getting all this behind me.
I had done the crime.
I was gonna do the time.
And that would be that,
but that...
Aren't there, like,
child labor laws against this?
Not in high school.
The principal's like the captain
of the ship in international waters.
He can even marry people.
We haven't talked in a while.
How have you been, Brandon?
Fabulous. I'm crushing it.
Everything according to plan.
I wanna be in detention.
Yeah, why are you here?
From the blood I saw gushing out of
your nose, I thought you were bullied.
Principal Gibbons is a homophobe,
which is why I called him a fascist.
- So the rumors are true.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
I meant about
Gibbons being a fascist.
So, what's with your new look?
Very whore couture.
Oh, haven't you heard?
I'm the new school slut.
You know, I did hear something.
I also heard he was twice your age.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, he was a freshman in college.
I also heard he gave you crabs.
- People suck.
- Tell me about it.
He's not real.
- What?
- The guy I slept with. I made him up.
Wait, you started the rumor?
Indirectly, I guess sort of.
Or actually, no.
No, not really. No, I didn't.
Well, but you're perpetuating it.
That's really messed up.
Excuse me?
You're not even a real slut.
You just want people to think you are.
It's pathetic.
No offense, but you could probably
learn something from me, Brando.
Are you saying that I should
act straight so people will like me?
That's groundbreaking. You should
teach a course at The Learning Annex.
It could be called "The Painfully
Obvious with Olive Penderghast...
...the Fake School Slut."
I was just suggesting that
maybe these kids we call peers...
...are onto something.
You know, like Marianne Bryant.
Maybe that whole stuck-up,
Jesus-freak thing is an act. You know?
No, I think she's just
a stuck-up Jesus freak.
And there are some of us who are
just trying to blend in to the crowd.
Well, then you've gotta do
everything you can to blend in...
...or decide not to care.
I can't decide if you're a genius
or a lunatic.
Well, don't they sort of go
hand in hand?
- So you heard any word from George?
- Nope.
I told you, that was a one-night stand,
which is now over.
You're being pretty cavalier
about this.
Aren't you supposed to be
eternally in love with him?
Yes, I believe so. If I was a Gossip Girl
in Sweet Valley with traveling pants.
But no, I'm not.
So I could really care less.
So Brandy Carter
was telling Vanessa Hodges...
...that you were with three guys
in a Jacuzzi.
Sounds like a lot of work.
I guess that's still better than
getting it on with some old dude.
Who said that?
Do you know that Brandon kid?
That's what somebody told him.
Isn't he a homo?
Yeah.
Speak of the devil. Hello.
I was just talking about you
with my friend, Rhiannon.
You know Rhiannon.
She's perpetually angry.
She curses like a Somali sailor. Bi...
- Yeah. That's the one.
- "Bi..."? "Bi..."? What's "bi-"?
- Okay.
- I wanna know what "bi..." is.
Hello, what's "bi..."? What is "bi..."?
- Bye.
- "Bi..."? What is "bi..."?
Bedazzling personality?
Beautiful, beautiful soul?
- Big tits.
- That's my identifier?
Yes!
All right, well, that was Brandon. He
needs to talk to me about something.
- Probably wants to borrow an outfit.
- Whatever, Big Tits.
Heck, yeah!
Big tits!
The next day,
things took a turn for the scandalous...
...which brings us to part three.
A lady's choice
and a gentleman's agreement.
Hi. Is there an Olive here?
There's a whole jar of them
in the fridge.
I'm sorry,
I must have the wrong address.
Just kidding. Come on in.
Any friend of Olive's
is a friend of our daughter's.
Olive, sweetie.
There's a young man
here to see you.
He said something about asking
for your hand in marriage.
Oh, happy day, Mama!
Oh, I thought I was gonna have
to spend my dowry...
...on booze and pills
to numb the Ioneliness.
A gentleman caller, hurray!
- What's that?
- Olive has a boy in her room.
- A boy?
- A boy.
- Wow, a boy.
- A boy.
A boy?
A boy.
Welcome.
This is where the magic happens.
And by magic I mean nothing.
- Do you wanna go out with me?
- What?
Well, I mean, like,
do you wanna be my girlfriend?
Brandon, just a couple hours ago
you told me you were Kinsey Six gay.
True, but you said I should
pretend to be straight, so...
Yeah, I didn't mean with me.
I mean, you're a nice guy and all,
but you're not really my type.
Yeah, you're not really
my type either.
Yeah, I know that. I got that V
where you'd rather see a P.
Do you wanna
have sex with me or not?
Oh, my God, dude.
You completely missed the point.
- That's not what I was saying.
- I know what you were saying.
I should act straight
till I get out of this hellhole.
Then I can be whoever I wanna be.
I get that.
You know that I didn't have sex
with a college guy, right?
I just told everybody I did.
Actually, I told one person I did.
And you know how these things work.
It's like wildfire.
So you're saying
I shouldn't really have sex?
I should just say I had sex
with someone. A girl.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, no.
- Wai... Just...
- Oh, no, no, no.
- No way! No way!
- Just wait. Wait, wait. Stop it, stop it.
- Absolutely not.
- Think about it. Think about it.
- We could help each other out.
- No.
You wanna maintain
this floozy facade.
I don't wanna get pushed into shit
every day. It's a win-win-win.
How do you know I like
being thought of as a floozy?
Because at least
you're being thought of.
Just one good imaginary bonk.
You are on crack. All right?
And not the good kind.
It doesn't have to be a bonk.
It could be an imaginary butterbean,
lemon squeeze...
- I don't know what any of that means.
- That's because you're a virgin.
You know what?
This is not the answer at all.
- I'll pay you whatever you want.
- I don't want your money, Brandon.
Just do what I did
and make someone up.
Who's going to believe me?
You don't understand how hard it is,
all right? I'm tormented.
And every day at school
is like I'm being suffocated.
And sure, we can sit
and fantasize all we want...
...about how things
are gonna be different one day...
...but this is today and it sucks.
There's only one way around it.
You were smart enough to think of it.
So please, just help me.
Because I can't take another day
of this. I don't know what I'll do.
I don't do anything half-assed.
All right?
It'll have to be a public event.
Melody Bostic is throwing
a party tomorrow night.
All of your tormentors will be there.
You and I are going together. All right?
You have to do everything I say and
tell everyone that I am sensational.
- Thank you so much for doing this.
- Just...
...you know, make sure you're ready
to live with the consequences.
- What the hell is a lemon squeeze?
- It's like a backwards melon bag.
How don't I know any of this?
The next night was the party
at Melody Bostic's house.
She is the most popular girl
in school.
It's partly because she's pretty
and has perfect hair...
... but mostly because her parents
let her have these parties...
... every time she catches them
doing it in the pool...
... which is every week, apparently.
Brandon and I showed up
when it was in full swing.
I borrowed a dress from my mom,
Brandon borrowed a jacket from me...
... and we put on a little show.
Hey, Olive and Brandon.
What's up?
I hope you don't mind, but we had
a few pre-cocktail-party cocktails...
...like, before the cocktail party
with cocktails.
Listen, here's the sitch,
Melody Bostic.
Brandon was just in the middle
of telling me this really funny thing...
...which is really funny.
And I was wondering if there's,
like, a room where we could go...
...where he could finish telling me
that thing that's funny...
...if you know what I mean.
You can use my room.
Down the hall to the left.
Cool.
Is that Olive with Brandon?
I know. What the hell, right?
You guys are my buddies.
I'm drunk, bitches. What's up?
I love your room!
My sheets. Put a towel down.
- Olive's gonna do a gay dude.
- Thanks. Close the shades.
- What are you doing?
- Relax.
Jesus, what is with you gays? Are you
really that repulsed by lady parts?
What do you think I have down there,
a gnome?
So nice. What is that, lavender?
It's pretty.
What are you doing? Can you...?
Can you come here, please?
Jacket off. Come on.
All right. Come on.
Chop-chop. All right.
Now grunt.
Grunt and make it convincing.
I said grunt, not whine. Just grunt.
Moan, you know? Like, sex noises.
God, you are pathetic.
Good. Good.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- You don't have to be so aggressive.
- You don't like that?
- No, I don't like that.
- You don't like that?
How about that?
- Little better.
- Yeah, you like that.
I like that.
- This guy, he's gay, no?
- I think he's gay.
- Don't stop!
- Keep going.
- Don't stop.
- I'm not gonna stop.
I'm not gonna stop.
Now you try. You try.
I'm gonna turn you around
and take you from the back.
That's not gonna make people
think you're straight.
Never mind that gayness
because I'm a straight guy. Roar!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
- That's awesome! That's perfect!
- Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about!
Do you smell that?
Do you smell us?
Did he just say it smelled?
Isn't it supposed to smell?
You're not supposed
to comment on it.
- It doesn't really smell that bad.
- Oh, yeah. Yes, God!
- Don't stop. Yeah!
- Don't stop. It's too much fun.
- You ready for the grand finale?
- Yeah. What?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
Go forth, my son.
You're a man now.
Hey.
Thank you.
Seriously, thanks.
- Here.
- What is this?
Evidence.
What's up?
Hey, man.
How was she?
Well, well, let's just say
I'll be walking funny tomorrow.
What?
- I'm drunk. What's up, bitches?
- Yeah!
- Whoa, hey.
- Todd, hi.
I thought you were at
your cousin's rehearsal dinner.
It was a quick rehearsal.
I only had one line.
That was a joke.
I know.
Yeah, sorry. How's it going?
You know, I'm...
- I'm here.
- Can I get you a beer?
That rhymed. I liked it.
Yeah.
- I'm gonna go.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Bye.
- See you at the salt mines.
Maybe this is gonna sound stupid...
...and, believe me, it's not like
I was expecting, you know, fireworks...
...or a string quartet or anything...
...but I always thought pretending
to lose my virginity...
...would be a little more...
...I don't know, special?
Judy Blume should've
prepared me for that.
That is so beautiful.
Never had one lesson.
That boy from yesterday
just dropped this off for you.
Well, put it in the pile of gifts
from my other suitors.
- Thanks.
- He seems like a nice kid.
He seemed a little incredibly gay.
A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual,
that boy is.
I just want you to know
your father and I are totally supportive.
We love you no matter
what the sexual orientation...
...of your opposite-sex sex partner.
We're not dating, Mom.
And don't worry about
not making us grandparents...
...although we were kind of hoping
you'd get knocked up...
...so we'd have a second shot
at raising kids.
Really do it right this time.
- Bye now.
- I dated a homosexual once.
For a long time, actually.
A long time.
Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you did
not marry and have children with him.
No.
No, no, no.
Your father is as straight
as they come.
A little too straight,
if you know what I mean.
I don't. Can you shut the door, please?
Okay, door's right over there.
Keep going.
- Take it down.
- Go take that out to Dad. Nice.
"Just in case you don't shop at Target.
Then you can go screw yourself.
Brandon."
Hi, Rhi.
Is it true you got with Brandon
at Melody Dipshit's party?
Is that what people
are saying happened?
That's what everyone
is saying happened.
Well, then I guess that...
I guess that's true.
Just because you lost your virginity
doesn't mean you can go...
...throwing your cat at everybody.
- I'm not throwing my cat at everybody.
I had to hear from Jackie Rudetsky.
Do you know
how embarrassing that is?
Finding out you slept with some
gay dude from Jackie Rudetsky?
Must've been embarrassing.
Why didn't you tell me
you were going?
I would've come with
and held your hair.
Are you really making this
about you right now?
- You're starting to get a reputation.
- You're coming off as a little pious.
You're pissing me off
more than usual.
I think it's a best friend's duty...
...to let her know that everyone, and
I do mean everyone, is calling her...
...a dirty skank.
Well, do you think I'm a dirty skank?
You know, I didn't wanna believe it,
but I guess it's true.
That is your identifier.
And you're a jealous virgin.
So...
People thought I was a dirty skank?
Fine, I'd be the dirtiest skank
they'd ever seen.
Shit.
Is everything all right? It sounds like
you're having sex in here...
...which can't be true, due to the fact
that you have a homosexual boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend.
Hey, no judgment.
All God's children. It's fine.
I was gay once for a while.
No big deal. We all do it. It's okay.
Dad, can you just
shut the door, please?
You all right, buddy?
Yeah.
Give them hell.
- Hey, Anson.
- Hey.
I just realized the funniest thing.
My name is an anagram for "I love."
What's a...? What's an anagram?
Look it up, big boy.
What's your problem?
You wanna know
what my problem is?
No. That was a rhetorical question.
I don't wanna know anything from you.
We are not friends anymore.
We are officially over.
Oh, rats.
I want my Juicy sweatshirt back. It was
too loose around your chest anyway.
Burn.
- Stop.
- What?
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Don't forget, tomorrow's Earth Day.
Guys, we have a problem:
Olive Penderghast.
- We need to pray for her.
- Amen.
But we also need to
get her the hell out of here.
Amen.
You heard what happened
at Melody Bostic's.
- I was there. I heard the whole thing.
- That's not something...
...you need to advertise, Kurt.
- Sorry. But I was.
I tried to witness to her, but this girl
is defiant to any type of help.
Anybody here think they can
talk to her, get her to see...
...what she's doing is wrong?
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry, you guys. This is so stupid.
No, it's not, Marianne. It's real.
- It's real.
- Yeah, it is.
Jesus tells us to love everyone.
I mean, even the whores and
the homosexuals, but it's just so hard.
It's so hard because they keep
doing it over and over again.
Make me a promise.
Make God a promise,
right here and right now...
...that we will remain
pure and chaste until marriage.
We promise.
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
I love you guys. God loves you guys.
Now, let's change lives today.
- Micah?
- Let's do it.
I didn't know what they
were so upset about.
I put an A on my wardrobe
just like they asked.
Maybe it was because I was wearing
clothes that were two sizes too small.
Hey, Olive!
You left your glass slipper
at the party the other night.
Yeah, and I got pumpkin
all over my dress too.
Nice. Solid joke.
It sucks because we could've
revisited Melody's bedroom.
Oh, my God,
that was Melody Bostic's house.
- Yeah.
- I can't believe you remember that.
Well, yeah, come on. Who doesn't
remember their first almost-kiss?
Hey, Olive.
Evan. Hey, what's rocking?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, what's up?
Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
what you did for him.
Oh, well, rest assured,
it was equally as thrilling for me.
No, he told me the truth.
I was just hoping
you could do the same for me?
Goodbye, Evan.
Wait, wait. I can pay you.
I am about six seconds away
from slapping you so hard...
...your teeth will bleed.
- Can you do it in front of everyone?
I don't need your permission,
you know.
What?
I mean, at the rate you're going...
...I don't see how people
won't believe it.
- Are you threatening me?
- I'll give you 100 bucks.
You are repugnant.
That's the problem.
Never mind.
I'm sorry I asked.
I knew it wouldn't work.
I'm just a fat piece of shit.
When will high school end already?
Shit.
I want a $100 gift card deposited
into my locker by noon tomorrow.
Preferably to the Gap, but I will
also take Amazon.com or OfficeMax.
Actually, make it OfficeMax.
I have my eye on a label maker.
We did not have sex, okay?
I let you fondle my chest,
and it was a glorious moment for you...
...unmatched by anything
you've experienced, including cake.
Got it?
Wait a minute.
A hundred bucks for second base?
- Yeah.
- Doesn't that seem a little steep?
Can we throw in, like, some
butt action or some pants rubbing?
- What are you, 9?
- Whatever. Are you in?
- Whatever.
- Deal, then.
Thanks, Olive.
You know, the sad thing is, Evan...
...if you'd been a gentleman
and maybe asked me on a date...
...I might've said yes.
Really?
Do you wanna go out with me?
Not now I don't, shit-dick.
It should come as no surprise that the
rumor I was soliciting sex for money...
... spread around the school
faster than...
Well, faster than the first rumor
about me spread.
Guys, come over here.
She'll do stuff for money.
Around the world...
But for people who knew the truth,
I was open for business.
And whether I liked it or not,
I had a lot of customers.
Phil Lord gave me
100 bucks from Best Buy...
... so he could tell people
we hooked up behind the library.
I got $50 from T.J. Maxx
so that Eric Ling could say...
... we got it on during Chemistry.
Ninety dollars from Panda Express
so Ryan Dukes could tell people...
... I showed him mine,
but he did not show me his.
Chris Miller,
big spender that he is...
... gave me $40 worth of movie passes
for my pretend cowbell.
They had an expiration date
and were only good...
... at the stupid foreign movie theater.
Hi. One for
Der Scharlachrote Buchstabe.
But even that is better
than Sanjay Chandrasekhar.
Seriously? A coupon? Twenty percent
off to Bath & Body Works?
Is that how much our imaginary tryst
meant to you?
I fake rocked your world.
- It's all I can afford.
- How's that my problem, amigo?
I knew he wasn't Latino,
but for some reason all these shady...
... backdoor deals
had me talking like Carlito.
- Beat it, ese.
- Okay.
Whatever happened to chivalry?
Does it only exist in '80s movies?
I want John Cusack holding
a boombox outside my window.
I wanna ride off on a lawn mower
with Patrick Dempsey.
I want Jake from Sixteen Candles
waiting outside the church for me.
I want Judd Nelson
thrusting his fist into the air...
... because he knows he got me.
Just once, I want my life
to be like an '80s movie.
Preferably one with a really awesome
musical number...
... for no apparent reason.
But, no. No.
John Hughes did not direct my life.
So instead of all that...
...I get to save 15 cents...
...on a bottle of Juniper Breeze
Antibacterial Gel.
So if you're still with me,
and I'm hoping that most of you are...
...this brings us to part four.
How I, Olive Penderghast,
went from assumed trollop...
...to an actual home-wrecker.
- You wanted to see me?
- I did. Why don't you come in here?
What's going on?
- I'm accessorizing.
- Really?
I think you're taking your reading
assignment a little bit too seriously.
Well, I was really hoping
to get an A. Get it?
I'm hearing some rumors.
Well, those are true. I am considering
becoming an existentialist.
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Jeez.
When did teachers become
privy to idle adolescent gossip?
That would be when everyone
is putting everything up on Facebook.
I don't know what
your generation's fascination is...
...with documenting
your every thought...
...but I can assure you
they're not all diamonds.
"Roman is having an okay day...
...and bought a Coke Zero
at the gas station.
Raise the roof."
Who gives a rat's ass?
He got a Coke Zero again?
That Roman. Incorrigible.
Listen, whatever this little act is about,
I just... I'm curious.
I really think you should consider
giving me extra credit...
...for going the extra mile.
I'm really attempting to understand
this puritanical ostracism...
...Hawthorne wrote about.
- You are one of the few that read it.
If I read one more paper
from one of your classmates...
...who talks about how hot she is in
the bathtub, her fake British accent...
...or, is she still married to
Ashton Kutcher, I'm gonna kill myself.
Why don't people just watch
the original movie like I did?
I know you read the book.
I did.
Listen, I want to apologize for
sending you to the principal's office.
Truthfully, and I'll deny it
if you say anything...
...I wanted to be cheering
with the rest of the students.
I don't know what it is about Nina.
I hate her.
I won't tell.
- I'll deny it if you do.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Stay golden.
- Hi, Mrs. Griffith.
- Hi, you. How are you?
A is for "awesome."
Yeah.
I've never seen that girl before.
That does not surprise me.
But I'm the guidance counselor.
I should know all the students.
Especially the ones
who dress like prostitutes.
- It's good to see you.
- Hey. How are you? Good.
No, stop. We're at school.
There are rules.
- Windows.
- Yeah, yeah.
Do me a favor, though.
Just talk to her.
I think she's going through a phase.
That's not the girl
everyone's talking about, is it?
It is.
Oh, okay. Oh, this'll be good.
All right.
That snotty, Jesus-freak
office aide I have...
...has been bitching
about her incessantly.
They're all lies, but she could use
somebody to talk to anyway.
All right. Hey, what are you doing
for dinner tonight?
- You won't be there?
- Sorry.
I have an after-school session.
Kid brought a knife to school.
Well, be careful, all right?
It was a butter knife.
But you know what they say.
You know, it's a gateway knife, so...
- All right, bye.
- Yeah. Bye.
I'm thinking about another gateway.
It's a...
Making spaghetti.
- That's great.
- With meat.
Enjoy eating your meat.
- And balls.
- Enjoy eating your balls.
Sharpening your pencils?
Getting them nice and sharp?
Sharpening them up? Look at you.
Look at you. So sharp.
Sharpening those pencils.
Sharp, sharp, sharp.
- God, that's sharp. L...
- Hey, Olive. You ready to come in?
Good job.
Well, the reason I called you in
was just so we could...
...sort of, you know, just chat
about what's going on.
You know, there is concern
from a few faculty members.
Your husband.
Olive, you're attempting
to make a statement.
I'm just a little confused
as to what exactly that is.
Am I in trouble?
Because, pursuant
to the student code of conduct...
...my hemline has never been
higher than my fingertips.
No, you're not in trouble.
I wanted to make sure you knew...
...if there's something
that you wanna talk about...
...you know, you can trust me.
If I open up to you, do you promise
this stays in confidence?
Yeah. I'm... See?
I'm the guidance counselor.
That's what I do.
I mean, I have a reputation to uphold.
Don't you, though?
All right, listen, don't tell anyone
I'm doing this, please.
Here you go.
- Here you go.
- I really don't need those.
Oh, you really do. Here you go.
Here you go. Okay?
I just don't want this thing you're
going through to define your life.
Olive, do what you gotta do. Okay?
Let your freak flag fly. Just make sure
you have an exit strategy.
Listen, Mrs. Griffith, I really...
I don't need these.
The pill is not 100 percent effective.
Ask some of your friends' parents.
Thank you for coming in.
Can you just send in the next person?
Thank you.
You're up, hoss.
Okay. Go. It's all right.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Don't you think it's a little strange
that your boyfriend is 22 years old...
...and still in high school?
- Not that it's any of your business...
...but he is here by choice.
It's his choice he's a fourth-year senior
that can't pass any test he takes?
His choice. His? His?
Capital H?
If God wanted him to graduate, God
would've given him the right answers.
I'm sorry.
You gotta be shitting me, woman.
Okay. So why was he blubbering
like a baby?
- Is he struggling with his sexuality?
- No, you insensitive rhymes-with-witch.
His parents are
going through a divorce.
Okay.
You know,
sometimes our boyfriend's parents...
...they get divorced, you know?
And it's important to remember
it's not your fault.
So I gotta go.
But they go to our church.
What will people say?
How long do these embraces usually
last? Because I gotta go, but l...
- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yes, I'm gonna be okay.
Mrs. Griffith is amazing...
...and she's gonna help Micah,
and everything's gonna be okay.
See? All right, that's the spirit.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Okay.
Wait. Why are you even
being so nice to me?
I did it.
I got through to you.
I'm so sorry about everything I said.
I am so, so sorry.
I mean, I really want us to be friends.
Can we please be friends?
Absolutely.
And for a day,
we were actually really good friends.
I was kind of starting to think
things were gonna turn around.
Olive!
- Friend.
- Hey, friend.
- I missed you.
- Oh, I missed you more.
She texted me in first period.
By second period,
we apparently had private jokes.
Olive. Olive.
Tragedy struck in Wood Shop.
It wasn't because
someone sawed off a thumb...
... which has happened.
Micah is in the hospital.
He is in so much pain.
The nurse didn't know
what was wrong.
There, there.
It hurts so bad, Mommy.
Well, it's just what I thought.
Chlamydia.
No.
Who have you been screwing?
Tell me.
Tell me now
or I will kill you right here.
Olive. Olive Penderghast!
Olive. Olive Penderghast.
I have to call you back.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Goddamn it.
Chlamydia?!
That bitch!
- Olive?
- Hey.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Goddamn it.
I panicked.
I said I got it
from Olive Penderghast.
I know, but what was
I supposed to say?
You know, and then my mom
tells Marianne's mom.
I did. I tried to blame it
on their divorce...
...but my mom is not buying it.
That's it. I have to tell them.
No, I do not care that you
gave me chlamydia. I don't!
I love you and I want to be with you,
and nobody can stop us.
Not my mother, not Marianne,
and not even the school board...
...or the president of the Americas!
Oh, God.
What? What do you want?
What do you want?
Just go.
Perfect. Just perfect.
I'm sorry, I just...
I was looking for Marianne.
Did she say anything
about being mad at me?
She just smacked
the bejesus out of me.
No, that's my fault.
I'm so sorry, Olive. I'm sorry.
But I messed up, okay?
I just goddamn shit...
...goddamn messed up
really goddamn shit bad.
Goddamn. Shit, goddamn.
Okay. Don't get me wrong
because I love it...
...but I don't think you're supposed to
use that language in front of a student.
You know what else you're not
supposed to do, is sleep with them.
But that didn't stop me. Goddamn shit.
Wait. You... Oh, my God.
But I'm not... I'm not judging
you or anything, but, oh, my God.
L... Wait, what does that
have to do with me?
You should know
that my marriage is not great.
We haven't slept together
in months.
In months, all right?
Finally, this great-looking guy comes
in and he's nice to me, you know?
And he's not a minor.
This is legal. It's legal
because he's been here forever, okay?
He's not the sharpest
Christian in the Bible, all right?
And then he finds out
that he has chlamydia.
And so then he's telling
everybody that it was you.
He didn't want me
to lose my job...
...and he doesn't wanna get in trouble
either, so he said it's you.
I'm sorry.
But I'Il... I'm gonna fix it, Olive.
Okay? I'll tell everyone.
I'm gonna tell everyone that it's me.
Okay? I'll just... I'll lose my job.
And, you know, whatever else I lose,
and then that's okay.
Maybe it was becoming a habit
of mine to help the downtrodden...
... or maybe I just couldn't stand
to see...
... my favorite teacher's
marriage crumble.
Either way, I decided to help.
I could have chlamydia.
I mean, I could have easily given it
to Micah.
I mean, who knows?
Women oftentimes
don't show symptoms.
And the whole world knows
I've been whoring around.
No, you haven't. No, you haven't.
Because a real whore can't admit it
to herself, much less others. Trust me.
Call Micah.
Tell him he is an ass and
he owes me so big for this, but also...
...tell him I confessed
to giving him chlamydia.
Getting a lot of hugs today.
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- Get out of here!
I guess I shouldn't be too shocked
these people...
... wanted my diseased ass
out of there.
Save yourself, Olive.
The funny thing is, the whole time
this all was going down...
... I couldn't help but think
I could've come up with better signs.
Although you gotta love
the Quiznos guy.
That's the one thing
that trumps religion: Capitalism.
Why are you doing this?
I'm trying to make this school
a better place.
Start a petition to get rid
of the lead paint.
New Honey Chicken at Quiznos.
- Not now, Quiznos.
- You're a slut.
You're going down, Olive.
If this is because I'm more popular
than you, then I think what you're...
Let's not mistake popularity
for infamy.
- You don't wanna burn, do you?
- I'll be praying for you.
Sorry.
- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm awesome. I'm awesome.
Screw all these people, Olive.
Haven't you heard?
I already did.
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- What you're doing is wrong.
You're going to hell!
So they got Rhiannon.
Never underestimate the power
of extremists like Marianne.
They sense any weakness,
they pounce like jungle cats.
And the whack pack
just gets bigger and bigger.
But at least they have a pack.
I was used to being by myself,
but I had never felt more alone.
I thought I should look into what they
were running around thumping about.
- Do you have a religion section?
- It's over there.
- Can I help you with something?
- The Bible.
That's in bestsellers,
right next to Twilight.
I didn't have time
to read the whole thing...
... because it's, like, 600 pages.
Single-spaced.
And as every war
that's ever been fought can tell you...
... there are many ways
you can interpret it.
Except the Civil War.
That was pure racism.
So I went to find an expert.
But really, I just kind of
wanted someone to talk to.
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
I think that's how you
start these things.
I'm just going off
what I've seen in movies.
Where do I even start?
I've been pretending to be...
What is the Catholic way
of phrasing this?
A harlot?
A harlot. It's not that
I've actually been doing...
...the things that people have
been saying I've been doing...
...but then again,
I'm not denying them either.
So I was just wondering,
is that wrong?
It's just that a lot of people
have been asking me to do things...
...and I thought it was okay
because it wasn't real, you know?
It was make-believe.
And no one was getting hurt...
...but a lot of people hate me now.
I kind of hate me too.
I might be wrong...
...but aren't you
supposed to say something?
Tell me to say 10 Hail Marys,
pay a fine...
...advance token to nearest railroad?
Hello?
Should've seen that one coming.
Luckily, I live in a town
with many different places of worship.
So I went to find one
with a real live human being.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I was just wondering
if there's a minister around.
Is it not a minister?
A Reverend? A wizard?
It's a pastor, and he's here.
How can I help you today?
I was wondering what your church's
stance on lying and adultery was.
It's not a good thing.
Oh, I agree, wholeheartedly.
But, then... Now, tell me this.
Assuming there is a hell...
Oh, the Christian Church recognizes
the existence of hell.
Okay, so we'II just say
there's a "hell."
There is. Just so we're clear.
- Okay. So for argument's sake...
- No, there's no argument. It's there.
Right below our feet,
right above the Orient. It's there.
Then what would be worse,
lying or adultery?
Or is lying about adultery
just like double whammy? Sorry.
Come on.
I'm sorry,
what did you say your name was?
I didn't. L... You know what?
I'm just gonna...
I'm just gonna go check out
Judaism because...
- God. Two frames, really?
- Sorry.
The Jews and I have a lot in common.
- Just fashion-wise and stuff.
- Off you go.
Yes, I had unwittingly sought advice
from the father...
... of the leader of my lynch mob.
What other complete and total idiot
can say that's happened to them?
Okay, I've narrowed it down
to The Other Boleyn Girl...
...or The Bucket List. Huge hit.
Why can't we watch a movie for kids?
You always get to pick.
Because the Family Member
of the Week gets to pick the movie.
Yeah, but you get Family Member
of the Week every week.
And there's a reason for that.
Yeah. You pick
Family Member of the Week.
Are you accusing me of nepotism?
Okay, it's The Bucket List.
This is it. This is the greatest decision.
I'm so happy with this decision.
That's what it's going to be.
All right, now, honey, after we watch
The Bucket List...
...remember to cross "Watch
The Bucket List" off our bucket list.
Guys.
I want you to know that if you hear
I have chlamydia, that is totally false.
Olive, do we need
to have the talk again?
No. It's just a thing
that's going around.
You know, nothing you're saying
is making me feel any better.
Not to mention how you've been
dressing the last few days.
No judgment,
but you look like a stripper.
- Mom.
- A high-end stripper.
For governors or athletes.
But stripper, nonetheless.
Oh, my God.
I'm just trying to mix it up a little.
And I have no STDs, I promise you.
Oh, that's great.
Daughter of the Year.
If you hear anything
to the contrary...
...come up with some funny retort
and walk away.
Honey, you're kind of
starting to worry us a little.
Should we be kind of
worried a little?
I don't think so.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Yeah. I got it all under control.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Then let's Bucket List this bitch.
The Bucket List, The Bucket List.
To say this whole thing
had taken over my life...
...would be
a colossal understatement.
I actually reread The Scarlet Letter
to see how Hester dealt with it.
And it turns out she bore
her punishment in humble silence...
...which are two concepts
I am not comfortable with.
With all the mythical play
I was getting...
... I still actually hadn't been
asked out on a real date.
People were jumping up and down
to say they'd slept with me...
... but no one bothered
really trying to sleep with me.
I was starting to think I actually did
have a gnome down there.
- Until finally...
- Hey, Olive.
Hey, Anson. What's up?
I was wondering
if you were busy tonight.
Maybe wanna go out or something?
What did you have in mind?
I was thinking about getting
a hot-air balloon, you know...
...bringing along some champagne...
...and then possibly reading
some Sylvia Plath.
Or we could just go
to The Lobster Shack...
...because it's, you know,
a little easier.
- I love The Lobster Shack.
- Good.
Okay. It's a date, then.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So should I still bring
the Sylvia Plath or?
No, we could stick our heads
in the oven...
...if we run out of things
to talk about.
That was...
- Cool. All right. Well...
- Cool.
You look really beautiful.
Thank you.
- You're a real gentleman.
- No.
Just a guy having dinner with a girl.
Do you believe this whole thing
about lobster being an aphrodisiac?
I did not know it was.
Medical science really
has not substantiated claims...
...that any particular food increases
sexual desire or performance...
...but guys just spend and spend
to ply women with food...
...they think is gonna get them lucky.
Which is funny, because, it's like...
...what is sexy about
slurping back oysters? Nothing.
Did you know some people actually
eat ground-up rhinoceros horn...
...because it's thought to increase
the size of the male sex organ?
That's not true at all.
Spanish fly. Spanish fly.
You've heard of this? Yes?
- Yes.
- Okay. That thing?
Pulverized blister beetle. What?
And it's illegal in the U.S. Because
if you eat just a little bit too much...
...it causes painful urination,
fever and bloody discharge.
- Am I talking too much?
- No.
You're just burning through
a lot of topics really fast.
Shouldn't have had coffee
three weeks ago.
I'm just kidding.
Your Maine lobster
with crab and seafood stuffing.
- I'm jealous.
- Thank you.
Let's dig in. Right?
I didn't know Woodchuck Todd
worked here.
He's dressed like a lobster.
I should start calling him
Lobster Todd.
Shit.
- Shit, shit, shit.
- What? What's wrong?
- Rhiannon's over there.
- So?
She's been in love with you
since 1 st grade.
- She's my best friend.
- I thought you weren't speaking.
But that doesn't mean
she's not my best friend.
Or that I should be out with you.
Rhi and I don't have
anything in common.
- And you and I do?
- Yeah.
- Like what?
- Like I hate Marianne Bryant too.
If that's our connection,
I should date the entire school.
Haven't you?
No. No, I haven't.
Okay, she can't see us.
Check. Check.
Can you just...? Excuse me? Hi.
I just remembered
I am so allergic to shellfish.
I forget that my respiratory system
will collapse.
- I have a gift certificate. Keep the tip.
- Thanks.
I'm sorry, but we have to go.
- Go. Go. Come on. Come on.
- Okay.
Go, go, go.
I'm sorry about that.
I've got something for you.
Two hundred dollars
to The Home Depot.
I didn't realize this was a...
I know it sounds kind of lame, but they
really do have some awesome stuff.
I bought my air compressor there.
So, what did we do on this date?
Whatever 200 bucks gets me.
- That's not really how it works.
- It's okay.
Stop.
I'm not really having sex with people
for money.
I'm saying I'm having sex for money,
but I'm not having sex for money.
It's okay. It's all right. Come on.
- Stop. No, no.
- What?
Stop!
Come on, just relax. Come on, babe.
It's all right.
God. Asshole.
What are you doing? I paid you.
Now you didn't.
Come on, this is bullshit.
Goddamn it.
Hey, Olive.
Todd, hi.
- Hey, you all right?
- I just have something in my eye.
Like a twig, you know, or a branch,
or a contact, or something.
- I didn't know you wore contacts.
- I don't, which is why I was tearing up.
Olive, hey. Let me drive you home.
Do you wanna talk about it?
What's to say?
Everybody thinks I'm a whore...
...and for the first time,
I'm starting to believe it.
What?
Don't act like you don't know
what people are saying about me.
I know what people are saying.
Doesn't mean I believe them.
- Who told you?
- No one.
No one had to tell me that once upon
a time, there was a scared kid...
...at a party in a dark room
who was not ready for his first kiss.
And, you know, there was
this amazing girl who lied for him.
I still can't believe
you remember that.
You know, sometimes I pretend
you were my first real kiss.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Who was?
- It was Rhiannon.
- What?
- She must have told you.
Yeah, it was... I think it was, like,
a year after that or something.
It sucked, by the way.
She was, like:
That bitch.
Oh, my God,
she knew how I felt about you.
- How do you feel about me?
- And here I am feeling so bad.
That's just perfect.
Wait, hold on a second.
How do you feel about me?
"Felt."
I said "felt."
Because I thought l...
I thought I heard "feel."
- No, it was "felt."
- All right.
How do you know where I live?
We used to carpool.
Yeah, in 2nd grade. What, are you
like a savant for people's addresses?
Just for people who I think are cool.
- You think I'm cool?
- I do.
And I think you're pretty and smart.
Did you form this opinion
prior to my little transformation?
Way prior.
Why didn't that rumor spread?
I like to keep my business to myself.
Notoriety, for whatever reason...
...never seems to benefit the noted,
it's only the "notees."
Where were you two weeks ago?
Olive.
If I promise not to tell anyone,
could I kiss you right now?
No.
- Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
- Oh, no.
I just mean, not like this.
I don't wanna kiss you with mascara
running down my face...
...and some horndog guy
just having tried...
...to stick his tongue
down my throat.
I've wanted to kiss you
since 8th grade...
...but I want it to be perfect.
And right now, my life is a mess.
I need to get my business in order
before I drag you into it.
What if I told you
I wanna be dragged into it?
I could help, maybe.
Why now?
Why are you all of a sudden
into me now?
I don't know.
I haven't overanalyzed it,
like you're about to.
- Good night, Olive.
- Good night, Lobster Todd.
Now that I knew there were decent
and goodhearted people out there...
... the lies had to stop.
I knew there was only one person I
could count on to set the story straight:
Brandon.
I'd helped him, and even though
it would destroy his new reputation...
... as a straight stud,
I knew he'd help me.
Oh, my God. Did you hear that
Brandon ran away from home?
Yeah, totally. He left his parents
a note that said, "I'm gay, bitches"...
...and then he skipped town
with some big, hulking black guy.
My apologies to Mark Twain.
- Wait, huh?
- What?
- You said something.
- You said something.
You said something,
so I came back.
- You're funny. Okay.
- Call me.
I went to everyone I'd helped
and begged them to say it wasn't true.
No way. I gave you money.
You gave me a gift card to AutoZone.
I don't even have a car.
I thought it'd be aspirational.
Evan, please do this for me, all right?
I did that for you. Do this for me.
I don't want people to know
I didn't go to second base with you.
Do you know how many girls
I've hooked up with because of that?
Girls are almost as dumb as boys.
Oh, yes, they are.
It gets worse.
"Honor your father
and your mother."
Due to his condition, Micah was sent
on a visit to his grandparents...
... in Palatka, Florida.
And if there's one thing worse
than chlamydia, it's Florida.
"...be guilty of adultery."
Get your hands
out of your berries, boy.
Olive, life is full of choices.
I made a bad one.
But then, so did you.
But I see no other alternative
than to just live with the guilt.
My guilt stems from my indiscretion
and yours for lying.
We made our choices.
Now, we just have to let it ride.
Or I could just tell everyone the truth
and get you fired and put in jail.
Okay, first of all, he is of age, okay?
It's perfectly legal
in the state of California.
I checked. He is 21 in eight months.
And secondly, let's play the Who
Would You Believe game, okay?
Why don't you ask yourself, if you
were an adult, who would you believe?
Who would you believe?
Who would you believe?
Who would you believe? Who?
Thank you for coming in.
Yeah, Mrs. Griffith was pure evil, but
I still shouldn't have done what I did.
Your wife has chlamydia,
and she's sleeping with a student...
...and she gave it to him,
and she's trying to blame me.
What?
I'm sorry.
Mr. Griffith, if you ever see this...
...just know that I was wrong
to tell you that in that way. At all.
I shouldn't have done it.
And I don't even feel bad
for lying for your wife.
But I hate myself for telling you
the truth. I am so sorry.
With my words, even though
they were true, I ended a marriage.
Looking back, that's the thing
I regret the most.
So now everyone that knows the truth
is either gone or they won't fess up.
And Marianne Bryant and her
disciples are demanding my head.
The messed-up thing is I would not put
it past Principal Gibbons to expel me.
I had a similar situation
when I was your age.
What? Everyone called you a slut?
I had a horrible reputation and
people said awful things about me.
- Why?
- Because I was a slut.
I slept with a whole bunch of people.
A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.
- Mom.
- Sorry, I got around.
Before I met Dad,
I had incredibly low self-worth.
Do me a favor and just stuff this down
my throat until I asphyxiate to death.
- It's true. It is.
- I want to die.
It's true.
I was quite the contortionist.
I could do this thing. I could go...
I mean, my leg all the way...
Stop. Can you stop?
Don't show me.
- Can you not see that I'm a mess?
- No, you're not, Olive.
You're wonderful.
And you'll handle this
the same way I did.
With an incontrovertible
sense of humor.
But you're much smarter than I am...
...so you'll come out of this
much better than I did.
Thank you, Mom.
- I could get my leg so far back.
- No, no, no. Stop it.
So it was time to put an end
to all this once and for all...
... by telling my side of the story.
And that's why I decided
to do this webcast.
So here we go.
Part five.
Not with a fizzle, but with a bang.
Today we had yet another
one of our ridiculous pep rallies.
Todd convinced the band to play
the sexiest song in their repertoire.
I needed to pique everyone's interest
to get them to go home and log on.
I had one outfit left and I figured
about 30 seconds to do it.
Plus I really wanted
my own awesome musical number...
... for no apparent reason.
Is that Olive?
This was just a free preview.
For the main event, log on to
And I know it interferes with
the basketball game but, come on...
...would you rather cheer on
the Woodchucks...
...or watch me do one?
What do you think you're doing?
Get to my office right now.
I can't, because I have a date with the
guy I like and the rest of the school.
I think before you expel me,
you might wanna talk to Mrs. Griffith...
...because I think she might
talk you into letting me stay.
Go, Woodchucks!
And here you all are...
...waiting outside the bedroom door
for me to kiss Todd...
... listening to me pretend
to have sex with Brandon...
... paying me to lie for you...
... and calling me
every name in the book.
You know, it was just like Hester
in The Scarlet Letter.
Except that's the one thing
the movies don't tell you:
How shitty it feels to be an outcast.
Warranted or not.
How did you know I love this song?
I guessed.
I see you've been watching my live
webcast. It's still going on, you know.
Screw them. They've had
enough of you. Figuratively speaking.
I borrowed my neighbor's mower.
I came right over.
That almost rhymed.
I know. I spent a minute on it.
I'll be right down.
That's Todd.
Not that I owe you guys any more
confessions, but I really like this guy...
... and I might even lose my virginity
to him.
I don't know when it'II happen.
You know, it might be five minutes
from now or tonight...
...or six months from now
or maybe on our wedding night.
But the really amazing thing is,
it is nobody's goddamn business.
Come on, where's she going?
I thought she was going
to take her clothes off.
Demi Moore took her clothes off.
This is bullshit.
Come on. Are you kidding me?
- Piss off.
- Come here, you punk.
Jack?
That's a mighty snug little shelter,
Huck.
I judge it's all right.
Here, Jim, I'll take my turn
at steering now.
No, that's all right, Huck.
I like steering.
Blue Devils!