Milton awaits, Jason.
"Mortals...
that...
works...
follow...
me...
love... "
- Hi!
- Good morning, Rachel.
I was beginning to teach
to an empty classroom.
"Virtue.
She alone is free.
She can...
teach...
ye...
how to climb...
higher than the sphery chime.
Or if virtue feeble were...
heaven itself would stoop to her. "
You know, Rachel...
without the rest of your classmates...
it's probably better that
we discuss this next semester...
and take an early break.
Janet, what a surprise. I'm just
preparing for my Milton conference.
Really? Sam was just
telling me you were making...
some copies of personal material
on the faculty machine.
I'm sure he was. I'll be happy
to reimburse the college...
Let me finish. It occurred to me
you really should be working now...
teaching your final class,
not making copies or...
certainly not preparing
for your trip to Las Vegas.
I planned to, but nobody
turned up, or almost nobody.
So I dismissed early.
Are you happy here, Packard?
Do you like teaching here?
Yes, very much.
- Merry Christmas, Janet!
- Frank! Of course...
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas to you...
and Merry Christmas to you, Sam!
Frank, are we going to have another
championship season this year?
I'm telling you, the Catfish
are looking good, buddy.
That's good.
Go, Catfish!
All right!
Let's go!
Merry Christmas
to Bill and the two kids.
- Taken!
- Merry Christmas, Sam.
I admire your enthusiasm
for those two.
Brown nose, Pack.
Brown nose.
You kiss Janet's butt,
and I guarantee you...
she'll let bygones be bygones.
Yes, but, telling a joke in class
is hardly a capital offense.
I'm not going to growl over
something I didn't think was wrong.
I fully agree with you.
It's just not fair.
You're sure you don't mind looking
for Sally while you're in Vegas?
No, of course not.
I try to reach her,
and she just doesn't call back.
It's a daddy's worry.
It would be so, so nice
if I could see her for Christmas.
It's not a problem. I'm looking
forward to seeing Sally again.
Thank you.
You know, she loves you.
You're the only professor
who didn't fail her.
- Santa left you a gift.
- He did?
- Wow!
- Open it.
It's for Vegas.
- Good luck.
- I appreciate it, but...
it's not a holiday, it's a
conference, and I don't gamble.
Well, you should gamble, 'cause
now you're going to have good luck.
First, you score at the table,
and then you score some skirt.
"Her buttocks is strong,
breast is round and high...
she was hair. faired,
and I won't lie. "
I can't wait till you to come home
and tell me some whore stories!
Frank!
- Good evening, sir.
- Thank you.
I'm with the Milton conference, and
I think it's in the Dug Out Room.
Dug Out Room,
right through those doors.
Thank you.
- Welcome.
- Hello.
To the last Milton conference.
The new name didn't help.
I've told you who I am.
I'm looking for Sally.
What are you? Some kind of
private detective or something?
No, I'm an old
English professor of hers.
Bullshit!
Fuck off!
I'm here for a conference. I just
want to get in touch with her.
Say something
in English Literature.
- What?
- See? You're full of shit!
All right...
"When that pretty
With the shower sweeter
The draft of much
Hath pierced to the root"
How about something in English?
Have you ever heard of Shakespeare?
"Tell me, where is fancy bred?
In the heart or in the head?
How begot?
How nourished?
Reply, reply!
It is engendered
In the eyes with gazing fed
Then fancy dies
In the cradle where it lies
Let us all ring fancy's knell
I'll begin it
Ding, dong
Ding, dong, bell"
Okay, all right.
Sally's at work,
at the Paradise Inn.
Is that a hotel?
It's a restaurant.
Seafood, actually.
Thank you.
What's your name?
Samantha.
Excuse me.
This is the Paradise Inn?
Well, it sure is, honey.
- Where's the dining room?
- Dining room?
There's no dining room here.
I'm a little confused.
Is this a...
Brothel?
This is the best legal brothel
in all of Nevada.
You want me to send the girls out.
Yes.
They'll be out in a minute.
Ladies!
This is Crystal.
And Sandy.
And Chantelle.
And Paula.
And this...
This is Natalie.
Would you like
to make a choice, sir?
Natalie.
So, you've found out
my simple secret.
I bet you're going to give me
a morality talk now. Well...
you're welcome to try the "What are
you doing with your life?" speech.
I get that all the time.
Usually, afterward, though.
Aren't you shocked?
I'm speechless.
What do you think?
Don't you wish
I had done night class?
Your father asked me
to check up on you.
What am I supposed to tell him?
You can keep a secret, can't you?
I don't know.
- Don't go yet.
- Sorry, but I have to go.
I don't understand
why you're so afraid.
I saw the way you used
to look at me in class.
- What do you mean?
- You had such...
a crush on me.
Everybody knew about it.
I'll tell your father
I couldn't find you.
There's plenty of pretty girls here.
If you don't like me, you should...
stay a while,
and have some fun.
This is from your father.
So I gave her the ticket,
and I left. I mean...
it's the dumbest thing.
I don't think so at all. You got
a chance to nail your dream girl.
That's not the point.
Besides, Frank is my friend...
but she's in trouble...
and I don't know what to tell him.
I wouldn't tell him
anything at all.
But isn't it my moral obligation?
Look where morality
and obligation have gotten you.
No offense, Pack, but you're
not getting any younger, right?
Sometimes, you have to do something
wrong, because maybe it feels right.
Well, that sounds
like moral relativism.
Come with me for a second.
Seven. Win a seven. Put it on the
seven. We're gonna shoot it now.
It's your best dice.
Seven or eleven. Come on!
Same luck at shooting...
You know why people
lose money at gambling?
People lose money at gambling 'cause
they try to win honestly...
squarely, according to the rules,
but the house...
doesn't play its rules.
The house...
builds in a10% advantage
for itself.
So the squares they get
slowly fucked, right?
The way to win is to bet against
the suckers, bet the house...
wrong betting...
Craps betting is what works.
You go against what seems right...
and win.
I know you're trying
to set me straight...
but my system, the old system of
good and bad, right and wrong...
works.
Well, I'm going to join the game.
Are you interested?
No, I don't think so,
but good luck.
Six, easy six, right on six.
Don't let the winner leave loaded.
Come on, now. Get him down.
We gotta shoot him, folks.
All right, get them now.
Same shooter.
Easy six!
It's pretty easy.
Bet on nine, bet on six.
Come bet. Come on, folks.
Same lucky shooter.
Magic fingers.
We got a winner on our team, huh?
Hey!
We don't want
any wrong betters here.
This is a hot table.
Bitching karma!
Gonna bet now. Same lucky shooter.
Now, here we go.
It must be that hat.
At 3, crap 3.
Hide away. Hide away.
Fuck, man, you're fucking up
the karma here.
Here's 100 bucks.
Why don't you go play
another table?
No, thanks.
We got a new shooter coming out.
New shooter.
Get your bets down,
get your hands up.
Bets down.
New shooter coming out.
Coming out away.
Better has come in the go.
Smart guy.
You're betting against the table.
Coming out,
lucky shooter, coming out.
Nine, we're out on nine!
Place to fight.
Nine will do it.
Nine is the number.
Nine will do it, shooter.
Fuck this!
Thanks for that karma, asshole!
No win on this goddamn thing.
- Fuck!
- Samantha!
- You know each other, huh?
- We have a mutual friend.
You won a lot of money.
Looking for some place to spend it?
Somebody?
No? Here, I'll tell you what.
You want to spend it somewhere, you
want to go somewhere, let me know.
You should give me a buck.
I can win a lot of money for you.
I feel this thing is going to win.
It's going to hit. Look!
Elvis...
there is somewhere
I'd like to go.
Well, let me take you there.
I got a sweet limo.
It's a1965. Last of them left.
So, what were you playing?
Craps.
Oh, craps. A big buddy of mine,
Jason, is a big craps player.
In Nam, he caught a chunk
of VC shrapnel...
right in the temple.
Doctors wouldn't remove it 'cause
they thought it would kill him...
so they left it in.
Only thing is now he can't get
too close to a magnetic field.
It gives him a big
fucking headache.
But Jason's a craps player, right?
So he's got to stand
in the middle of the crap table.
- Do you want to ask why?
- Why?
Because each end of the craps table
is magnetized.
So if he gets too close to the ends,
he gets a big fucking headache.
You look surprised.
Fixes in.
When a table gets on a roll,
the house switches out the dice.
They drop a pair of tricked dice
with metal in it...
make it turn sevens on their own,
and bust the table.
My buddy, poor sucker.
I gotta tell you:
he loses money like crazy.
I mean screaming crazy.
If he knows it's fakes, why doesn't
he bet the house? I did.
The guy's got a big piece of metal
in his fucking head.
Me, I want to sue him, but I can't
find a lawyer, and he'll resent me.
Are you a lawyer?
Good, I hate those cocksuckers.
You're pretty quiet.
I like that sometimes.
Thinking.
Just thinking.
Are you a vet?
No, I'm not a vet.
Have you ever seen "Rambo"?
- I've heard of it.
- That was me.
- Really?
- John Rambo. It's based it on me.
I was a Special Forces
sniper, in Nam.
70 to 72.
Counter insurgents
behind enemy lines.
199 confirmed kills.
That's incredible.
Then, the war ended. Everything
turned to shit. Old story.
At least, you got to sell yours
to Hollywood.
What, are you kidding?
The fuckers stole it.
Changed everything into bullshit.
Sorry.
So... Can I ask you
a question about Elvis?
Fuck Elvis.
Don't get me started
on fucking Elvis.
I must be crazy.
I think I'm going to call you Pack.
Dr. Schmidt just sounds weird.
Something strange has happened
the last couple of days. It's as if...
something has changed.
I think it's good, Pack. Maybe
you're coming out of your shell.
Have a seat next to me.
So, in honor of your first time,
I'll give you Paradise Special...
for the price of the French Date.
That's intercourse.
Yeah, yeah, everything.
Just...
no extra girls, no equipment,
and no Socrates.
Socrates?
Up the ass, you know?
I don't do that.
Neither do I.
You'll do fine.
It will be fun. Just relax.
- I do a very convincing orgasm.
- You do?
So...
if you'd just go
in the wash basin and then...
- You know.
- I'm sorry, I don't.
Dick-check time.
So...
did Tracy Apples passed your class?
Yes. I gave her A minus.
Why?
Just 'cause she's pretty?
What do you mean?
You give all the pretty girls
automatic A's.
Tracy copied her term paper
off the Internet...
and then went around bragging
about it. I couldn't believe it.
You didn't catch her.
Did you know what
your nickname at school was?
Doctor Dirty Jokes, right?
Oh, yeah. They used to call you
"Professor Pack of Shit".
So make yourself comfortable.
Just don't get under the covers.
Oh, Christ!
I don't know about this.
Are you going somewhere?
Your orgasm...
Was it real?
Yeah... Sure.
Of course, Pack.
Sally, I don't mean to lecture you,
but what are you doing here?
- I can ask you the same thing.
- No, seriously.
What will become
of you if you stay here?
Look...
Look, you paid to fuck and I'm tired
of chatting, so our session's over.
- I could help you if you'd let me.
- Right.
You could come and stay for a while
until you're back on your feet.
I mean it.
I'd eat you alive.
You really should go.
Your time's up.
Sally...
No kissing.
It spreads germs.
It's a souvenir
to mark your first time here.
It goes on your key ring.
Yeah, I'll trade you.
Well, thanks, honey.
Hello?
Hi, Frank.
Sally, is that you?
- Did Dr. Schmidt find you?
- Yeah, yeah. He did.
Oh, Sally.
It's strange.
He didn't call me and tell me.
But that doesn't matter.
Never mind.
It's just so good
to hear your voice again.
I miss you so much.
I'm going to come home
for Christmas.
Oh, Sally.
That's wonderful!
That's wonderful, Sally.
You're really going to like
your Christmas present.
Sweetheart, forget the presents.
You coming home
is gift enough for me.
- It'll just be so nice to see you.
- I gotta go.
I love you.
I'd like to begin our discussion
of erotic images in Milton...
by starting
with a brief presentation...
matched with selected images.
"But come thou Goddess
Fair and free
In heaven ycleped Euphrosyne
And by Men Heart. easing...
Mirth
Whom lovely Venus at a birth
So rosy, so pink"
May I help you, ma'am?
Yeah. Is Pack here?
In Boticelli's Venus...
of the shell, and the water and this
fertile flowing fag and sexuality.
Hey, Sally!
Who is that?
Why are we running?
Sally!
I have to talk to you.
May I ask you the nature
of this intrusion?
Officer?
We're getting complaints about
girls working out of the casinos.
Donnie, I'm not working.
Oh, really?
Maybe I'll believe that.
So you must be her father,
am I right?
Pleased to meet you, sir.
Actually,
I'm a friend of the family.
Right, of course.
The old friend of the family.
I'm not fucking working!
What are you doing
for a living now?
I'm a registered hostess in Clark
County, license number HE148976.
Let's see your sheriff's card.
Give it to me!
So you decided
to go legit now, huh?
You're sure you're not doing
any jobs on the side with...
friends of the family.
Hell, no, Donnie,
I wouldn't want to risk my license.
Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally...
...you just stay out of trouble.
.Thanks.
Oh, and,
hey Mr. Friend of the Family...
did you know here in Clark
County you can be arrested...
for patronizing a hooker,
like Sally?
Thank you for
that information, officer.
Don't mention it.
- Rude man. I'm just helping.
- Yeah, it's Vegas.
Again.
Cool.
Do you know what they call
a head of masturbating cattle?
Beef stroganoff.
Strange thing. I almost got fired
for telling that silly little joke.
Maybe it would've been best.
What do you mean?
I mean, it's obvious
you don't fit in there.
Well, fitting in
has never been easy for me.
That's why I left England.
American colleges, when I first
arrived, were free and loose.
Refuges for intellectualism
and radical thinking.
Now, they're just part
of the big corporate economy...
like a department store.
The administrators
are like store managers...
the professors are the clerks...
and the students
are the almighty customers.
Why do you let everyone
push you around?
Who?
Everyone. The students, faculty...
Especially the students.
Like I said,
the students are the customers...
and the customers are always right.
Do you know
when I gave my last "fail"?
It was before your time, nearly 7
years ago, a girl called Nora Vallum.
Well, Nora Vallum
hardly ever came to class...
she never did homework,
did a miserable exam...
and she was argumentative
in my conference with her.
I had no hesitation in failing her.
Now, she complained
to Janet Vanderpour...
that the reason she didn't come
to class was to protest the fact...
that I only taught
one woman writer...
in my Renaissance fiction seminar,
that I was sexist.
Well, the dean instructed me
to give her a B plus...
and to reconsider my curriculum.
So, what did you do?
At first,
I thought about quitting...
and then I thought about fighting.
And then I compromised.
I gave Nora her grade...
but I went on teaching what I wanted
to teach, but as a concession...
I only ever give students
A's and B's since then.
That way everyone is satisfied.
I look good,
as if I'm doing a great job...
students get the grades they want,
but are never prepared to work for.
And the administration is happy.
Are you happy?
Yes, of course.
I mean, what choice do I have?
Don't you need to get that?
Hey, Pack!
Pack, it's Frank.
Hey, Sally's coming home
for Christmas.
Yeah. She said you found her.
Why didn't you call me and tell me?
Because she wanted
to be the one to tell you.
That's what I figured.
Listen...
I just can't tell you
how much I appreciate it.
- Oh, it's nothing.
- Pack, are we going to...
What was that?
You got somebody there?
Don't be ridiculous.
You got lucky!
You got lucky! There's somebody
with you, isn't there?
You know I'm not like that, Frank.
The rabbit's foot worked!
Hey, let me talk to her.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Come on.
Put the phone up to her ear.
Hi, sweetheart.
What's your name, honey?
Come on.
Talk to me, baby.
I have to go now, Frank.
Yes.
Bye. bye.
You didn't tell me
you'd call Frank.
It doesn't matter. I would just
like to have been more prepared.
You're treating the text like
it's dead, Irv...
and that you're the only one
qualified to do the postmortem.
I... I have more respect
for the form...
You have more respect...
Suddenly...
Milton enslaved his daughters
to read for him after he went blind.
Doesn't that outrage you?
Pack, be the voice of reason.
Speak to this young man.
You've been really strange, Pack.
What's gotten into you?
Tell me about the girl.
Forget it.
Come on...
Come on, tell me.
You know I'm going to get it
out of you, Pack.
You had somebody
in your room, didn't you?
- Admit it.
- Okay, you win. Listen...
There was a streetwalker.
I gave her a hundred dollars.
She was thrilled, I was thrilled.
That's it, that's all.
You finally came down of your perch
and had sex with somebody.
Oh, man!
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry.
One of those peep show beauties
is gonna think about you and go...
I didn't want
to talk about it, Frank.
What happened?
Something went wrong?
- Nothing went wrong, Frank.
- Something went wrong.
What happened?
All right. She had a name like one
of those succulent hooker names:
Candy, Honey, Peaches, what?
- Natalie. Her name is Natalie.
- Natalie?
- Natalie?
- I'll see you later, Frank.
Natalie?
All right!
What?
The decorations. I put them out.
You put them up.
Hello, Pack.
Welcome to our humble bowl...
and a Merry Christmas Eve to you.
Thank you for inviting me.
It's been a long time since I put
decorations on a Christmas tree.
Hello, Sally.
- Hi.
- That's not how we were raised.
- Stand up and shake his hand.
- It's all right, Frank, I mean...
Sally and I saw
each other in Vegas.
All right.
Have a seat.
Shouldn't we begin the decorations?
Well, that's what I wanted to do.
It's all about Sally.
And, for some reason,
Sally's not interested.
All right.
Why don't you just sit down
and have a drink?
The beer's for you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot the bottle opener.
- I'll go get you one.
- I think I have one in my key chain.
Where's the rabbit's foot
that I gave you?
- It's at home.
- At home? Why?
Did you put something new
on there?
Nothing special.
- Why are you being so secretive?
- Frank, leave him alone!
You're always
pushing people around.
It's not a problem.
Here.
"Paradise Inn".
That's a hotel or something?
- It's a restaurant.
- Restaurant?
That wasn't so difficult, was it?
Come on, Pack. I bet Sally would
love to hear about your adventures.
Well, all in all, it was fun.
Fun? Fun?
I think it was more than just fun!
- Now is not the time, Frank.
- Come on! Tell us about...
Natalie.
Natalie!
Come on.
Oh, man! Dice, women, booze!
I wish I'd been with you.
Viva Las Vegas.
Viva Las Vegas, Frank.
Hello?
Hello, Sally.
What are you doing
calling me here?
Okay. Okay.
I'll see you at eight.
I don't know. Teaching's not
worse than any other job.
Yes, but it's no better.
Well, quit if you
don't like it, I mean...
change your life.
That's it exactly.
I thought I could move to Vegas...
and maybe get a job in a casino.
And you and I...
That's just not realistic, Pack.
I know, but I'm sick
of being realistic.
Before I met you, Sally, my life was
a triumph of realism over fantasy...
of maturity over passion.
My life has been ruined
by a cowering fear of change.
You're just getting
a little carried away, I think.
Yes, I am, and I like it.
I'm in love with you, Sally.
Well, there's just
one problem with that.
What?
I'm not in love with you.
You're not?
No!
Well, I can make you
fall in love with me.
It doesn't work like that.
- But you like me.
- Yeah.
That's a start.
That's enough initially, I mean...
I'm a little further ahead than you.
You're miles ahead of me.
This was just, you know,
like a fuck or two. You'll...
You'll see.
You'll cool down in a little bit,
things will go back to normal and...
I'll go back to Vegas,
and you'll...
start teaching again and, you know,
it will just be a memory to you.
It's not what I want.
That's what I want.
And where does it leave us?
Well, let's have supper.
I... I ate before I came over.
I should go.
Frank?
Frank?
Frank?
You stink!
You miserable piece of shit!
What's going on?
You're drinking.
- I'm sorry, Frank.
- You're sorry?
You say you're sorry.
And you've ruined
my daughter's fucking life.
I haven't ruined her life.
You've ruined your life.
I'll come back and we'll talk about
this when you've come down.
You don't get it, do you?
You're finished.
It's over.
I'm going to see you fry.
You turned my daughter
into a whore!
That's ridiculous!
You're going to stand there
and deny that to my face?
I think something's burning.
You pretended to be my friend.
- You made a monkey out of me.
- I'm leaving!
Sally is not going to see you
anymore. She's grounded.
Grounded?
Frank, she's not a child!
You're challenging me?
You forced sex on my daughter?
Don't you challenge me!
Trust me, Frank.
Have dessert and you'll feel better.
You know what they call it when a
man forces himself on a young girl?
- Just punch me.
- Do you know what they call it?
- I didn't force anything on Sally.
- Rape, that's what they call it.
They call it...
They call it rape.
Get it out of your system.
Punch me, kick me or something.
I don't even need to punch you.
I've already passed the pictures
to Janet Vanderpour...
and I told her about the felon
working in her English department.
And I called the police,
and my attorney.
And there's going
to be a full investigation...
of all the times you told obscene
jokes in front of your class...
and of all the times
you forced sex on your students.
- Frank, that's outrageous!
- You're fucked!
You're finished.
I came here to apologize to you,
to explain what happened in Vegas.
This... This is crazy!
I'm leaving.
Merry Christmas.
Now, get off my property!
I thought I was going
to control myself.
Iverson, you've got to learn
to control yourself!
- Eat this, asshole!
- Nut job!
Aren't you interested in hearing
my side of the story?
Of course, Packard. But we were able
to come to a decision without you.
We're going to need you
to sign a few papers.
I don't care.
I don't give a single shit.
You can't suspend me
or fine me because...
You quit?
I feel sorry for you, Janet,
because you spend all day...
in your ivory tower looking out
over your kingdom...
in your throne, your cast chair
that's been farted in by...
two generations
of vain frustrated administrators.
And your kingdom is a third. rate
provincial college...
that has whored itself out to the
whims of its ignorant students.
Oh, really, Packard?
Don't say things now
that you will regret later.
Sam, I'm not talking to you.
So kindly shut the fuck up.
Janet, the truth is you've
grown old and sold out.
You live and breathe
fraud and hypocrisy.
You and your kind...
cheated the students off their
one opportunity of learning...
by giving them diplomas
I wouldn't wipe my ass with.
I understand
you're upset, Packard...
but it doesn't excuse that kind
of talk. It's unprofessional.
It's unprofessional?
I'll show you unprofessional!
Janet, in the vernacular, eat me!
Hello, sir.
How are you tonight?
Very well, thank you.
I pulled you over because your car
is pretty badly damaged.
I just wanted to make sure
there wasn't any problem.
Well, sir, that was very considerate
of you. There's no problem.
Would you do me a favor, sir?
Come and talk to me
by the patrol car.
- 72, 64, 56, 48...
- Now, by sevens.
- From where?
- From where you are.
41, 35, 28...
- 21...
- Okay, that's enough.
Approach the car.
Hands in front, please.
Here's the story. You didn't
do well enough to let you go.
I'll have to take you down
for a blood test.
But, officer, I've had one beer.
I'm not drunk.
The rule is if it's detectable,
it's bookable. Zero tolerance.
- I hope you're pleased...
- It's not that bad.
It's not a felony.
This is your first offense, right?
There isn't any offense. You
haven't convicted me of anything.
Look, Mr. Schmidt, it's no big deal.
Most jobs won't fire you for D.U.I.
The jail part you can do
on weekends. That's easy.
And you can get your license back in
a year if you go to AA once a week.
- I'm not an alcoholic.
- It doesn't matter.
It's very important you tell them
you're an alcoholic.
They'll go easier on you.
They just hate people who
won't admit they're alcoholics.
Sally...
- Hi.
- Hi.
How did Frank get those photos?
Well, I... I brought
them back to give to him.
That was the whole point...
but then I felt bad because
I didn't want to hurt you, so...
I threw them away,
but he found them anyway.
Don't you believe me?
I don't understand.
What did Frank do to you?
I'm so miserable.
I just wish I were dead.
No, don't say that, Sally.
You weren't doing
anything stupid, were you?
It wouldn't be the first time.
I love you.
I just wish I was at work
for Christmas, I mean...
At least there you get paid
when you get fucked.
- No swearing on the phone.
- Who was that?
I'm in jail.
Why?
D.U.I.
You really do have shit for luck.
I have to see you, Sally.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I have to see you.
I get out today.
I can't.
Sorry.
You've reached
the Iverson residence.
Leave us a message.
I'm going to go get some
take out from Wallace...
and when I get back
I expect this tree...
to be dressed and beautiful.
It's not even Christmas anymore.
What do you think I am?
A turd...
a piece of shit that you can...
scrape from your shoe
and forget about.
Don't you think I know
what you've been up to...
the games you've been playing,
toying with me?
Well, that's going to stop now.
You're mine,
and you're going to stay mine...
until I decide otherwise.
You challenge me...
I'll win.
I always do.
And don't try to run away...
'cause I'll run after you
and bring you back.
There's your tree.
Here's your tree.
Enjoy yourself.
Sally?
Be quiet! Be quiet!
Be quiet!
That's R.I.M.B.A.U.D?
No.
R.A.M...
B.O.
Yeah, that will do it.
- A little nervous?
- Yeah.
Well, get your hat. Let's get ready.
You should be nervous, you know.
It's a big commitment, marriage.
I was married 3 times.
I don't put the glue on anymore.
It smells, and girls don't like it.
Okay?
This way.
You stand right over there.
You look good.
Thanks.
Okay, let's see here.
Do you...
What happened?
Must've blown a fuse.
Can you fix it?
Got a flashlight.
That's atmospheric.
Do you, Packard Schmidt...
take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
Do you...
Sally Iverson, take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
Yes.
Okay.
Bring the rings, please.
There they are.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss your bride.
Oh, no, not on the lips.
Beautiful!
Ever tried to get work
as a Tom Jones impersonator?
Impossible.
This town,
this country is all about Elvis.
Elvis, Elvis, Elvis.
Makes me sick.
He was a weak man.
Fat weak coward.
Well...
now, Tom Jones, he's the one.
He's a real man.
He's the real fucking deal.
You'll never see Tom Jones
doped out of his mind...
laying on his back in bed, eating
mashed potatoes with his hands...
crying for his mama.
"Mama! Mama!"
No.
I mean, they don't call
Tom Jones "the King" though.
They don't put his face on a stamp.
Perhaps, when he's dead,
he'll be more fully appreciated.
He'll never die.
Pussy keeps men young,
you know that.
Tom Jones get more pussy
than the king of England.
He'll live to be about 200.
Like Moses.
Exactly.
Like Moses.
Hello?
Hi, Samantha. Yeah, we're just in
the limo, on the way to the airport.
Going to Hawaii.
Can't it wait until we get back?
Okay, I'll ask.
Can we stop by to see
a girlfriend of mine?
She wants to give us our
wedding present before we go.
- Of course. I remember Samantha.
- Yeah, we'll be there in a second.
Bye.
- That's another stop.
- You do just a quick one.
Fine.
Wait!
- Hi, Samantha.
- I'm so sorry.
What are you doing here?
I'm not going to let
my daughter marry a rapist.
- You're a sick man, Frank!
- Get back in that car!
- In the front seat.
- Hey, clown, put the gun away.
- Don't talk back.
- What the fuck is this?
Don't talk back.
Frank, this is ridiculous!
You have to stop it!
This guy's not gonna shoot anybody.
I know a coward when I see one.
Would you shut up?
Stop the car.
- Frank, this has gone far enough.
- What are you doing?
Don't stop the car. Keep moving
or I'll shoot you, goddamn it.
Oh, you're not
gonna shoot anybody.
Frank, you're a coach,
not a murderer. Put the gun away.
You don't think I have
the balls to kill you, do you?
- I'm not saying that.
- I am!
- Would you shut the fuck up?
- Look, they guy's sweating.
He's not gonna kill anybody.
He's never killed anybody.
You think I'm yellow, right?
- Yeah.
- Shut up!
You don't think I can do it, do you?
You don't think I can!
Well, watch this, Mr. Smart Guy!
Ah, Frank! Christ!
What is wrong with you?
It's a toy gun!
It's a pellet gun!
It takes 5 days to get a real one.
Fucking democrats!
You know what, it's just like a
coward to have a goddamn toy gun!
It's not a toy gun! You can put
someone's eye out with one of these!
- It says so in the fucking box!
- Get the fuck out of my car.
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna shoot your eye.
- Don't be stupid, Frank.
- You're fucking disgusting, Frank.
I'm gonna shoot your eye out!
I'm gonna shoot your eye out!
- Disgusting!
- All right.
- I'm going to shoot you in the eye.
- Just take it easy.
Take it easy.
Take it easy!
I'm letting go.
You don't want to shoot anybody.
Just take it easy.
Just take it...
All right.
- That's not a real gun!
- You're a little late.
- Stand back, Sally.
- I'm going to shoot your dick off!
Take it easy now.
Sally, what the fuck...
- Drop the gun.
- I'm gonna shoot your dick off.
I wanna shoot his dick off.
Get out of there!
You're not gonna shoot...
- Two hundred.
- I'm gonna shoot...
Shots fired.
Roll medic, roll medic.
I'm at the Fremont Experience.
Freemont Experience.
Off!
Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
Why are you touching me?
Sally, no!
- Stop it!
- Hey, Sally, that's enough.
Roll medic, roll medic.
Shots fired.
Police! Please, clear the area!
Clear the area, please!
Clear!
Frank?
Frank...
I'm sorry, Sally.
I'm sorry about everything.
What are you gonna do now?
I think I'll head West.
Drive slowly,
take the back roads.
What about you?
I have some money
from the insurance, so...
I'll probably travel too,
I don't know.
If you'd like,
you can come with me.
To be honest, Sally, I suppose
none of it seemed real somehow.
- I almost forgot.
- Keep it.
No, you're gonna need it someday.
When you find the right person.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Sally.