(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
London!
London!
London. London. There's onIy one London
in the worId eXcept for aII the other ones,
which is reaIIy annoying. CouIdn't there
just be one? Thank you very much.
But we were caIIed Londinium
by the Romans.
And we said, ''No, we're not gonna do that.
''We're gonna change some of the voweIs
at the end and then just put them...
''Because we want the 'ondon' sound.'' And
I think that's what we're most attached to.
When I think of London, I think of the
''ondon,'' the same o-n-o-n bit at the end.
And we have no songs. There's no songs.
WeII, there's one song for London.
But we shouId have a song that...
'Cause there's American songs.
# New York... New York...
Chicago... And Chicago... San Francisco... #
You know.
But we shouId have one
that refIects, I think, London vibrancy
and London fuck-offness.
# London, London
Why don't you all fuck off?
# But come and spend your money
Come around and spend your money
# Have a good time then fuck off
Then come back on Tuesday
# At half past three
'Cause we need some cash just then
# Then fuck off, come back, fuck off,
Come back, fuck off, come back #
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I think that's...
(CHEERING STOPS)
That is the CD that's on saIe in my trousers.
It's a standard beginning of any show, that,
aII the way up Shaftesbury Avenue,
eXcept for every other theatre.
(VOCALISING)
Tonight... Tonight I thought I'd taIk about
everything that's ever happened
in the worId.
And the critics... I said this.
Critics said, ''No, you're not.''
''Of course I'm not.''
And they said, ''AII right.''
And I said,
''Why the fuck did you say, 'No'?''
And they went, '''Cause we're critics.''
And then we aII met in a dark aIIeyway
and we sIapped each other.
But... No. 'Cause you peopIe,
you peopIe here tonight,
you are the thinking peopIe. You have to be.
If you're going into theatres,
if you're going into these kind of things...
BiII, BiII BaiIey, most of the theatres.
The musicaIs are sIightIy different. It's not
that they're not thinking, but they're more,
# ''Yeah. There's chickens on the...
Throw them a rope, bring them a banjo
# ''They'll live forever as chickens
with banjos and ropes'' #
You know. And peopIe go, ''Yeah, I Iove
that one, whatever they're taIking about.''
And they aII get married
and have seX in trees.
And they're... There's more of a...
A visceraI ride, emotionaI ride, something.
But this... This, you have to be thinkers.
You have to be thinkers out of the boX
or at Ieast Iid thinkers to come here.
I think you have to be Iid thinkers.
You couId have been dragged and you
might be an in-the-boX thinker going,
''Oh, my God, what's he taIking about?
What's aII this?''
But, yes, out-of-the-boX thinkers
who make up stuff Iike,
''Look, we couId put spoons
and they couId run space.''
And peopIe say, ''What is
that sentence you said there?''
''Okay, the sentence didn't make sense.''
''We couId put spoons... We couId
have spoons and they couId run,
''I don't know, out of the boX.''
And there's Iid thinkers saying,
''WeII, we can see Jeff. He's out of the boX.
''And it's an interesting idea.
''Maybe we'II join him, maybe we'II stay here.''
Then there's in-the-boX thinkers going,
''I've got a Iadder.
''CouId I see the out-of-the-boX thinkers?''
Anyway. So, tonight, tonight we'II taIk
with the use of Wikipedia,
which has taught me so many things
that I didn't know and neither did you.
Wikipedia has pages on everything.
There's aImost nothing...
WeII, there was one thing I Iooked up
and I couIdn't find,
but I can't remember what it is,
so it probabIy doesn't matter.
Everything is in Wikipedia.
Run by Mr and Mrs Wikipedia,
who Iive in a toiIet somewhere.
They have no money, you know.
I have... This is an image I have with...
They do everything with torches,
(MIMICKING FLAME ROARING)
oId-fashioned torches,
which are onIy used in treasure fiIms now.
''Treasure's down here, sir.''
(MIMICKING FLAME ROARING)
''You need one of these.''
''Oh, yeah.''
There's aIways about 1 2 of them.
''One for you. For the kids. For your wife.
(MIMICKING FLAME ROARING)
''Who is that? It's Patrick. Do you want one?
''That's a Zoom ice IoIIy.''
The Zoom ice IoIIy,
the cIosest we in the United Kingdom
have got to the Moon.
I remember Iicking the Zoom ice IoIIies,
aII three coIours, thinking,
''We're aImost there, boys.
We're aImost at the Moon.''
But, no, we were aImost at the ice IoIIy stage
of the Moon Ianding.
And we wouId finish the... And they're stiII...
Are they stiII on saIe?
Can you stiII get the Zoom? Ah!
You see? It was stiII...
It's stiII wishfuI thinkment. WishfuI...
WishfuI thinkment. Wish fuIfiIment.
WishfuI thinking.
WishfuI thinking and wish fuIfiIment
is wishfuI thinkment,
if combined.
It was good, wasn't it? The '70s.
From an ice IoIIy perspective.
(LAUGHING)
Yes, yes, so the Wikipedia peopIe.
And it's stuff on everything.
And you used to have arguments.
How do you make...
How do you make spoons, Jim,
Jack, Kenny, Rogers? Two peopIe.
How do you make them?
And if no one knew, you'd go, ''Ah, fuck it.''
And you wouIdn't go, ''I'II join a Iibrary.
''I'II join a Iibrary and I'II get
a Iibrary card after siX months.
''And then I'II Iook up spoons.''
No, you wouIdn't.
You'd just... You'd just give up then.
But now we've got Wikipedia,
we Iook up spoons.
And you'd probabIy get bored
within three Iines, if you notice.
It goes, ''Spoons were made from...''
Within three Iines, you're going,
''HeIicopters, heIicopters...
''They took over the worId...
Chickens... Chickens drive heIicopters.
''AIIigators...'' You know.
And you can just keep going
untiI you get to one
and you cIick on it and it says,
''There is no page for this person.''
And you think,
''Why did you put them in bIue?''
Don't put them in bIue and have no page.
Just don't put them in bIue.
We have been trained,
Iike PavIov and his dogs.
PavIov wouId train his dogs.
Yes, stiII appIause for Mr PavIov.
What a scientist.
# What a scientist. What a guy
# Make a pavlova with only paws #
''That's a bit of crap.''
''We've got no thumbs.''
Cake miX when I was a kid
was a briIIiant thing.
You'd make a cake for your mum and...
The cake, with a big, wooden spoon.
And then you put that thing aII in the bowI
and they said you couId Iick the spoon.
And you went,
''Oh, my God. This was fantastic.
''Wow, what are we doing with that?
''This is just... This is good. This is ready.''
And then they'd take that, they'd put it
in an oven and it wouId come out Iess good.
It was... Wasn't it?
It's not just me. It was genius before
it went in and it came out, you know,
(EXCLAIMING DESPONDENTLY)
fine, but you have to put more stuff on it
to make it back to this stuff.
Just don't put it in.
And then when I was a student,
I was sitting there...
WeII, it was before... It was after I was a
student. I was unempIoyed for an entire year
and I Iived in IsIington and I watched teIIy.
For a year, IiteraIIy. ReaIIy. SeriousIy.
And I got encycIopaedic on
the AustraIian daytime soap operas.
And I was watching The Sullivans,
which wouId come on about a famiIy
where, ''We're going to go to war soon.''
And that's aII I remember.
And they got on weII, Iots of fighting.
And I made...
I thought, ''I'II make some of this.''
'Cause it just seemed reaIIy cheap. So...
I was estimating margarine, sugar.
And then I just made the whoIe bowI
and sat there watching The Sullivans, eating.
And I died. I actuaIIy...
They had to pump me, you know.
Cake was coming out of my ears.
It makes a cake. Once it's in there,
the juices make a cake.
And you're going, ''Can you... Can you get
it... There's cake coming out of my ears.''
So, that's how I remember it.
I phoned the poIice using the oId phone,
(MIMICKING DIALLING)
which used to take for hours.
Why do they put 999 right at the end of
the diaI? Our emergency services, 999.
''He's dying.'' ''I'm phoning.''
(MIMICKING DIALLING)
''His Ieg has come off.'' ''I'm doing it.
I can't remember how many I've done now.''
(MIMICKING LINE DISCONNECTING)
Why not 1 1 1?
What bright spark didn't go to 1 1 1?
(MIMICS RAPID DIALLING)
''Come, come now. Okay. CooI.'' That's it.
So, Wikipedia. Yes.
On the very seXy computers.
With, Iike, the Macintosh computer.
I have an AppIe Macintosh computer,
very sort of touchy, seXy, feeIy.
And you open it up and...
In the oId days, porn wouId take forever to
downIoad. Do you remember that?
Friends teII me.
Friends who can speII ''porn.''
WeII, it was... That picture wouId come up.
And you go, ''This is cat porn.
This is a picture of a cat.''
The picture's a picture of a cat.
But nowadays you're just tip-tapping away
and a IittIe boX comes up.
''WouId you Iike a software update?''
And you go, ''Yeah.
''Yeah, I'd Iike one of those.''
It's Iike a Iatte thing. ''Yeah, why not?''
And then time becomes a different thing.
Time becomes weird as it downIoads.
Five minutes to downIoad. Four minutes to
downIoad. Three minutes to downIoad.
Nine minutes to downIoad. Two minutes to
downIoad. Seven hours to downIoad.
SiX seconds to downIoad.
A Iight-year to downIoad.
And then it starts asking questions Iike,
''WiII you sign a new agreement
with iTunes?''
And I've signed many agreements
with iTunes.
I don't know what they want
from me any more.
SureIy, they know I agree with them.
I'm just... I'm there, you know?
Why do they keep checking
Iike I'm gonna go away?
''No, I no Ionger agree with you.''
We aII agree. And they've made us Iiars.
You can't say to chiIdren, ''Don't Iie.''
''WeII, you said you've read the terms
and conditions, didn't you?''
No one has read the terms and conditions,
no one in the worId.
No one. Even the Iawyers who wrote it
wrote it Iike this.
It couId say anything in there.
''We wiII take your buttocks and seII them to
the Chinese.'' ''Yes.''
''Set fire to your hedges.'' ''Why not?''
''Put your knee in a sIing.''
''Yeah, gimme the...''
'Cause you're in ''go'' fever at that point.
''Come on, give me the update.''
'Cause it couId be that one update, that one
update that wiII make your Iife compIete.
You know, Iike the WiIIy Wonka goIden
chocoIate thingy with the...
Update, ''Yes.'' And then
seX with everyone and free chickens for Iife.
Whether they want to come or not.
But then it downIoads and you have to do
a reboot thing,
which is, basicaIIy, getting ready to go to
the seaside with your bucket and spade,
the engine on, and your dad says,
''Come on, everyone out of the car.''
''What? Where we going? Where we going?
Where we going?''
''Everyone back in the car.''
''Back in the car? We just got out.''
(MIMICKING ENGINE ROARING)
''What the fuck was that?''
So, yes, and then you update
the whoIe thing and nothing has changed,
which is a bit weird and annoying.
If you have a PC computer, I think it's
a simiIar thing. You press the on button
and then there's a crank.
You have to crank it.
And then they get contact
and they spin the propeIIer and you get in.
(MIMICKING ENGINE THROBBING)
''Come on, the PC's going.''
And then you put on a 78 record.
Move the horn around.
(MIMICKING MUSIC PLAYING)
Caruso sings the update.
# ''Your PC is updated'' #
I've worked out that opera is just being...
If you... If you...
You either Iearn opera or you can just
get a microphone and go...
(MIMICKING OPERA MUSIC)
# I'm going out down here
I don't know what I'm talking about #
It's rich peopIe watching Iarge peopIe
being shaken by smaII peopIe.
(VOCALISING)
And aIso, the words shouId not be cIear.
# 'Cause I'm going to go to the toilet #
That's not opera. Opera is...
# I'm going to go to the toilet
# And I never had a bath in there
# Give him his marching papers
# Send him to the chemist for tea tree oil #
If you got that.
And the women sing crazy. They're so high.
(SINGING IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE)
It's Iike cats outside your window.
(CONTINUES SINGING)
(MIMICKING THUDDING)
''Ow! I'm not a cat. Fucking heII.''
(CONTINUES SINGING)
''Tea tee oiI!''
# I'm going to give you tea tree oil
I'm the chemist #
BIoody tiring this way.
But there are some songs which are faster.
(FAST-PACED VOCALISING)
# Figaro, Figaro
Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro #
What the fuck did he do?
Did he eat something? What, has he got
a bad Ieg? I know his first name. Continue.
# Figaro, Figaro, Figaro Stevens
# Went to the pub, went to the pub
Figaro Stevens went to the pub
# Went to the pub
and read a French newspaper #
So, I've Iearnt that the worId
is 4,500 miIIion years oId.
If you're very reIigious, then it's not 4,500
miIIion years oId. It's 6,000 years oId.
One of these is not correct.
Using simpIe Iogic here.
Now the science boys, they got anoraks,
they got gIasses, they got Bunsen burners
and petri dishes. I've gotta go with them
because they can bend gIass,
if they heat it up, you know.
And sodium chIoride
and potassium permanganate
makes potassium pomongadonkey.
What was the one that was...
(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)
Was that one. And aII that stuff that we did.
And then, if you're reIigious,
the reIigious boys, they've got a book.
And...
Some...some...some reaIIy interesting stuff
in there, good stories in the book.
I mean, I think a Iot of the peopIe in
there are true.
I think it's oraI history. It's been... Stuff in
there's true and there's sIavery in there.
Hmm.
Maybe crime against humanity there.
In a good, moraI book.
Maybe it shouIdn't be in. Maybe the editor
shouId have put a Iine through
''how to seII your daughter.''
Don't you think one of the popes wouId have
thought, ''We couId... CouId we?
''You know, we're dumping a Iot of these
books. CouIdn't we just cross out
''the sIavery bit
and pretend it never happened?''
They Ieft it in, tiII now. It's stiII there.
It makes me think there isn't a God. I...
'Cause I used to be an agnostic
and now I'm an atheist.
I'm aII for spirituaIity and I think there's
a Iot of reIigious peopIe
who've got a certain something.
And I beIieve in us.
I don't beIieve in God.
I beIieve in us, human beings.
But if God was there...
Thank you, one person.
If God was there, I think the first Iine of
the BibIe shouId be,
''It's round.
''Looks fIat, but it's round. Yeah, it spins.
''It's Iike a big footbaII, but...
Oh, it's very compIicated.
''Imagine you're an ant on a footbaII and
you're spinning, but you can't feeI it.''
Shit, shit, shit.
''Sorry about the sIavery.
CouIdn't get the staff.
''They seemed to Iike it.''
Shit. AII right, forget this bit.
Right. ''In the beginning was the Word.''
Don't you think...
If there was a God, don't you think
he wouId have fIicked HitIer's head off?
Don't you think? You know.
''Oh, I'm not aIIowed to do anything.''
''WeII, fuck off then.''
If you're not aIIowed to do anything
then what's the use?
Just piss off, and stop asking us
to mumbIe things on Sundays.
''PIease, couId you possibIy mumbIe positive
things towards me on a Sunday
''in the coIdest buiIdings you can find?
''PIease, get some of your senior citizens
to wear cakes on their heads.
''And to mumbIe ridicuIousIy
positive things about me.''
No. He shouId have just fIicked HitIer's
head off. HitIer wouId have been going,
''I wiII kiII them.
I wiII tank them. I wiII tear them apart.
''I wiII bomb them. I wiII kiII them.''
That's a hint,
you know, for a bit of intervention, isn't it?
And then he'd just give him a...
(MIMICKING THUDDING)
And the Nazis wouId be going...
(EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHING)
''What other Ieader can do that?
''Shit. That's not supposed to happen, is it?
''Okay. Let's just go.
''Let's just go.'' And somebody...
It might have happened whiIe someone,
some other Nazi, was in the toiIet
coming out, ''What happened,
''what happened? I heard. I heard a big shout.
''Oh, Iook!
''How does he do that?
Wow, he reaIIy is the Ieader.
''Oh!
''Do you want to come back to my pIace?
We'II have coffee.''
CouId have been the end, but, no,
he didn't do it.
So, yes, 4,500 miIIion years ago
I do beIieve our Earth started
with a ''pIace your bets'' type of
spinning thing.
And then we turn up, human beans,
five miIIion years ago.
Why the big pause, as the man in the pub
said to the bear?
Or why the Iong pause, as the man
in the pub said to the bear?
The bear said, ''I got it stuck in a Iift door.''
I'm not teIIing jokes.
I'm just fucking around with the idea.
It's the pause I'm interested in.
'Cause it is a big one. Have you noticed?
4,500 miIIion years minus five miIIion years
is 4,495 miIIion years of nothing.
WeII, there was stuff. There was...
(MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES)
I thought dinosaurs ruIed the worId
aII that period, but no.
They were around for 200 miIIion years.
So, we've been five, they've been 200.
And they weren't even ruIing
because if they were ruIing,
on the Steven SpieIberg movies,
we'd see the dinosaurs were going...
(MIMICKING ROARING)
''You can go away.
''You can stay. And you, I Iike you.
And you, I can smeII.
''You smeII of sandwiches.
''You can come, 'cause I... Rumpy-pumpy.
''And Iet's eat him.''
That wouId be dinosaurs ruIing the Earth,
but I noticed from the fiIms that they seem to
just get up in the morning and go...
(ROARING)
With a Iook of...
Not bright as a button, you know.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
And they just go around eating
and pooing each other aII day,
for 200 miIIion years!
Come on, that's not a god making that.
If God did that, his chiIdren wouId be crazy.
And I think if he did eXist, he had
many chiIdren. I think Jesus proves this.
Jesus must be the seventh son of God.
A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus,
F-sus, G-sus.
That's just Iogic. That's just mathematicaI.
And Tease-sus wouId
aIways be fucking about.
Pizz-sus does deIivery.
Caes-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus.
F-sus. City in Turkey.
Bee-sus was covered in something.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Some peopIe appIauding there,
other peopIe going, ''What?''
''Bee-sus was covered in bees?''
But, yeah. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs,
just wandering around.
No dinosaur poetry. Not cIever.
They weren't going,
''I wandered IoneIy as a cIoud
over hiII and vaIe
''And I saw a smaII... And ate him.
''And then I ate... And then I pooed him out.
And that was nice.
''What a day.''
They didn't go to church.
No dinosaur churches.
Very few dinosaur vicars going, ''WeIcome...''
''Thank you very much.
''HeIIo. Hey.
''EXcuse me.''
''WeIcome to today's service.
We wiII now sing Hymn 409,
''All Things Bright and Beautiful. ''
# All things bright and beautiful
# All creatures great and small #
(GROWLS)
# All things wise and wonderful
# They don't live on the planet
at the moment #
That scene did not happen.
Yeah, so not cIever.
I think most of the dinosaurs were not cIever
from what I can teII.
The raptors do seem quite cIever.
SmaIIer, about our size.
They seem to be abIe to break into rooms.
Work Iocks, do computer stuff,
downIoad raptor porn.
(EXCLAIMING)
And then run away and not pay.
They couId aImost pass for us.
You put a IittIe porkpie hat on a raptor,
and it aImost Iooks Iike a human being.
''Is this your car, sir?'' ''No.''
''Do you reaIise how fast you were going?''
(CHUCKLING)
''I was very busy.''
''You were going a miIIion miIes an hour.''
''Oh, reaIIy? Is that over the...over the thing?''
''Yes. The Iimit is 30 miIes an hour.''
''Oh? That's...awfuI''
''I was very busy.''
''WeII, can you show me your documents?''
(MUMBLING)
''Good afternoon.''
''I can't...''
''It's a raptor! Get me a dustbin Iid!
''It's a fucking raptor! Run! Run!
No, stay, chase him, something.''
The raptors.
And then we turn up. The human beings
of this worId, we turn up 5 miIIion years ago.
And that, I think, is the point
where we started to waIk erect.
And I think it must have been
a graduaI period.
I don't think we couId have just gone...
(EXHALING QUICKLY)
''Oh, this is better.
''I don't know why we didn't
do this a Iong time ago.
''Steve. Jeffrey. Come on, try this.
''I can see cIearIy now. The rain has gone.
''I can see aII Iobsters in my way.''
It reaIIy gets interesting around tooI time.
TooI time is...the Stone Age.
That's when it kicks off. Stone Age.
Before the Stone Age, no stones, no tooIs.
Hunting was bizarre.
''Come on, there's a bison! Come on, Iads!
''WiII you die, sir?
''Die, I teII you! You're in our territory!
I peed and pooed aII round here.
''I marked my territory quite cIearIy.''
(MIMICKING SLAPPING)
(EXCLAIMING)
''WiII you die, sir? CouId you possibIy?
You couId feed a famiIy for nine years.''
(MIMICKING SLAPPING)
''Don't you Iook at me with those big eyes.
Those big cow eyes.''
(MIMICKING SLAPPING)
''This couId take hours!''
(MIMICKING SLAPPING)
''Buggering heII! Come on, where are you?
How can you be Iate? It's the Stone Age!
''There's nothing to be Iate
in the Stone Age for. Bastards.''
(MIMICKING THUDDING)
''Oh. That is much better.
''Did you see that? Did you see that?''
The others come running up.
''I picked up a stone. I hit the bison.
He's just... He's gone. He's dead.''
''This is briIIiant, Jeff.
''This couId be the beginning of an age.''
''WeII, that's what I was thinking.
''ProvisionaIIy, I've entitIed it,
'''The Age of Big Things FaIIing Over 'Cause
They're Hit by SmaII Things
''of a Much Denser MateriaI.'''
''Just 'Stone Age.''' ''Stone Age! Yes.
''You were aIways better than me at that,
weren't you?
''Weren't you, Siegfried?''
We're not sure of the names.
So the Stone Age began. There were
hitting tooIs, there were cutting tooIs.
You couId cut the skin off an animaI
that no Ionger needed it.
(MIMICKING TEARING)
''Are you sure?'' ''Yeah, no probIem.''
''That's very good of you.''
''Thank you so much.
''Hang on. Stuff.
''I'm king. I'm king here now.
(MIMICKING FLY BUZZING)
''I'm king... I'm king of this area.
''I wear the cIoak... The cIoak... The cIoak...
Shut up!''
''I think you're supposed to hang it up
untiI it dries. Otherwise, fIies.''
''Shut up, Twiggy. I'm king of the fIies.''
''You know, this is aImost a book.''
''If your name wasn't Twiggy, but Leonard.''
Language was deveIoped 100,000 years ago.
Before that, no Ianguage.
Before that aIso, no reIigion.
You can't have reIigion by grunting it.
It just...
You can't get moraI ideas out by going...
(GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLING) ''I suppose so.''
(GRUNTING)
''Ha-ha, I don't know what you're...''
The Ten Commandments in grunt.
One...
(GRUNTING)
Two...
(VOCALISING)
No. Three... The rabbit.
Four. You get a bag, and you put it...
And then...
And then you take it and put it in the toiIet.
'Cause it's... No...
Five. You got a thing. I don't know...
My mother...
Okay. Forget five.
SiX... Never eat shit.
''I have no idea what you're taIking about.''
We're pretty sure that was
the first identifiabIe Iine of Ianguage.
''I have no idea what you're taIking about.''
One thing was huge before Ianguage
and that was ScrabbIe.
'Cause ScrabbIe, after Ianguage,
it became about words.
Before Ianguage, it was just,
''Put the Ietters down.''
There were no ruIes. Everyone was a winner.
K, T... FUNGTABL-SKLINGDUNG.
''Seventy-siX.''
ASTINGBOXISCRANKEZANGGA.
''That's 105. It's a tripIe word.''
''Dang.''
ScrabbIe was invented by Nazis
to piss off kids with dysIeXia.
This is true. They proved this one.
The word ''dysIeXia'' was invented by Nazis
to piss off kids with dysIeXia.
What's the point of coming up with a word
Iike ''dysIeXia'' to eXpIain
a word-bIindness speIIing probIem.
''They have a probIem with the words.
It is a difficuIt thing.
''We've caIIed this probIem...
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(MIMICKING RADIO INTERFERENCE)
''Car 22, pickup...''
''It has seventeen siIent Ietters
and the face of a rat in it.''
Just caII it ''bonk.'' They suffer from bonk.
They have a word-bIindness. We caII it bonk.
''EXcuse me, miss, I've got bonk.''
''AII right. AII right, just chew something
at the corner of the cIass.'' ''AII right.''
I wouId have preferred that to sitting there
and speIIing ''coIour'' with a ''K.''
I did fantastic I-Spy. It was briIIiant for I-Spy.
I-Spy with an ''S'' for ''ceiIing.''
It went on for hours.
TiII my brother was throttIing me.
'''S.' CeiIing.'' ''CeiIing's not with an 'S.'''
''Of course it is!''
So we were hunter-gatherers. We were kiIIers.
We were kiIIers onIy 2,000 years ago.
Hunter-gatherers. Hardwired into our brains.
And I think our journey...
I don't think there's
any reason why we're here.
You know, the meaning of Iife?
I don't think there is one.
I think we're just accidentaIIy here.
I think it's that random, kids,
'cause that wouId eXpIain
the so many miIIions out there,
and peopIe taIk about the Earth
being in the GoIdiIocks pIace,
where we're not too cIose to the Sun,
not too far away.
I think it's just now, 'cause there are
probabIy other peopIe out there.
But whiIe we're here,
we may as weII do civiIisation.
Just be civiI to one another.
'Cause we got the kiIIer thing in...
And assassins, they took drugs.
Maybe as a reward or maybe to make them
just jump over the idea of going out
and kiIIing peopIe. And it was hashish.
That's where the word comes from.
They were hash-assins.
No, it's true. No, it sounds siIIy.
They were hash-assins.
Read it, it's on Wikipedia. You can Iook it up
on your iPhones whiIe I'm taIking to you.
It's true. I've done it.
It's there and they were taIking about...
They wouId give them hashish and say,
''You are hash-assins now.
''HeIp yourseIf to hashish and then
we'II go do hash-assinations.''
''He's off his rocker, isn't he?''
'Cause I do think that hashish is
one of the worst...
It's the wrong drug to give to peopIe
who are gonna go out and do something.
UnIess you say, ''We're going to
take over a Mars bar factory,'' then...
Yeah! Come on!''
There was an empowerment there.
''We're aII going to go and dive
into bags of sugar.''
''Yes! Yes, of course!''
But apart from that,
organised hash-assinations is just crazy.
You get there... ''What? What?
HoId this, hoId this.
''Get behind the hedge. Get behind the...''
''Bing-bong!
''He's not... He is here.
''I'm sorry about this.
We just... We're hash-assins.
''No, we're hash-assins.
''We gotta kiII you.
We're supposed to kiII you.
''Do you have a Kit Kat?
''If you've got a Kit Kat,
that's Iike a Get Out of JaiI Free card.
''You have? He's got... Have you got three?
''You've got four... He's got a four-bar one.
Come on, aII right.
''Shh! Schtum. CIose the door. Fuck off.
We shouId do this everywhere.
''Get Kit Kats.''
Ding-dong ''Got a Kit Kat?
''Or just a Cat Kit?
Like a Meccano Cat... Ah, forget it.''
Then the guy gets on the roof
with a briefcase.
(LOUDLY) ''I am in position...
(SHUSHING)
(SOFTLY) ''Sorry. I am in position on the roof
with the briefcase.
''AII right, aII right. Yeah.
I'II assembIe it. AII right.
''What the fuck is that?
''Attach Part A to Part B then to Part C...
''AppIy transfers to modeI aircraft...
''These are the wrong instructions.
(MIMICKING LIFT GOING UP)
''What? Yeah, no, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.
''I haven't... I haven't got a gun.
''I have got a vacuum cIeaner.
''Yeah. WeII, it's in a simiIar briefcase.
''It just Iooks... I know. I know.
I know what you said. I know.
''Don't bring the vacuum cIeaner.
But it's a Dyson SIimIine.
''It's reaIIy Iightweight. It's orange.
''The baII type.
Goes around corners reaIIy weII.
''AII right, aII right, I'II pack up here.
ShaII I Hoover up before I go?
''AII right. AII right. I know, I know.
''Look, I'II throw it at him.
How's about I throw it at him?
''No, it's not very accurate, but it has
a fantastic eIement of surprise.''
And we now, I think, in modern days,
maybe we have more of a sense...
More of an empathy with peopIe.
We can see horrors going on.
We saw the tsunami.
We saw the thing in Mumbai.
We've seen fiIms.
Maybe it's not visceraI, but you can...
You get a very good visuaI sense
of what has gone on in the past.
Back in the BattIe of Hastings time,
you didn't have a cIue
what happened in the battIe.
You were either in that battIe,
or you just fucking forget it.
Or you watch a tapestry.
The BayeuX Tapestry teIIs you
in paneIs what's going on, but...
It's weavers.
Weavers were the war correspondents.
Weavers were the photojournaIists
of the day, going,
''Come on! Come on!
''Oh, my God, Iook at that!
Get that down, KeIIy. Put that here!
''What are they doing? Oh, God.
Keep moving! Keep moving!
''Don't Iook at the weavers! Just move on!
''Do some weird haircuts for the boys,
aII right?
''Give 'em a bit of a Iaugh, eh?
''WiIIie! Big WiIIie! Do it, give him a wave.
Hey, Big WiIIie! Good Iuck.
''That's the Duke of Normandy, the bastard.
''Come on, win, you bastards!
Shoot someone in the eye.
''We've aIready done that paneI.
''I've sewn this to my Ieg. Is that a probIem?''
The paparazzi. They were paparazzi.
Very earIy paparazzi, going,
''AII right. Anne BoIeyn, Anne BoIeyn,
how's it going, Iove, eh?
''Just hang on a second, Iove,
trying to get you down aII right.
''You don't want to Iook
Iike a weirdo, do you?''
''I'II do three noses if you're not carefuI.
''Just sIow down, baby.
Push your breasts up a bit.
''Is your sister with you?
We'II do a doubIe paneI.
''AII right. AII right, good Iuck.
You gonna marry Henry?
''AII right, keep your hair on.
''I've sewn this to my Ieg as weII.
Is that a probIem?''
So we were hunter-gatherers.
We hunted and gathered.
I wouId have eIected to be...
I wouId have chosen to be a hunter.
It seems more fun.
It seems more dangerous and more...
(EXCLAIMING)
You put face paint on your thing.
It's makeup.
It's aImost me, action transvestite.
That's what hunter-gatherers were.
We see it with the Native Americans.
We're there.
The gathering...
The gathering seems sIightIy more...
''One, tweIve, thirteen,
''tweIve, thirteen.
''TweIve. How many you got?''
''I've got seven. I give up.''
''I've Iost the wiII to Iive.''
''We've onIy got 19 berries.
They're gonna kiII us.''
SuddenIy the hunters return.
''We are hunters.
We have returned with stuff on our faces,
''having kiIIed bison and buffaIo
and beavers and badgers
''and baIIoons, which was weird.
''They went pop!
''We kiIIed mainIy 'B' animaIs today.
''Tomorrow we wiII kiII cats and chinchiIIas
and crocodiIes, then dogs and dingoes,
''then eIephants and eeIs, and then fungus.
''That'II be a Iong day.
''How many berries do you have for us?''
''A totaI of 19, sir.''
''That's a bit crap.
''Seven hours for nineteen berries? That's
two... That's something an hour, isn't it?
''Never mind.
Put them aII together and make a smoothie.''
(SLURPING)
''Needs a bit of Turkish yogurt.''
''Oh, they haven't invaded yet.''
''We haven't invaded yet.''
So it was the hunter.
And we aII Iooked pretty good.
That was the one upside of
the Stone Age period.
We Iooked fucking fantastic, man.
Come on! Let's go hunting
just in underwear. Come on!
''Janine, Stavros, Kenny, Rogers,
two peopIe, come on.
''WeII, you Iook briIIiant.
In fact, hoId me over a pond, wiII you?
''I want to see what I Iook Iike.''
The onIy way you couId Iook at yourseIf
in the oId days.
Everyone Iooked a IittIe bit hangy-downy.
I Iook a bit hangy-downy.
So that was it. 10,000 years ago,
the ice went away, going,
''Bye! Bye! Good Iuck with civiIisation.
Invent fridges.''
And off they went.
And that is when the hunter-gatherer period
moved into the agrarian period. Farming.
Farming is a step up in civiIisation.
More cuItivated.
Groups and communities can grow.
But it's a step down in seXiness.
There are no farming fiIms.
No Farming.
''Bruce WiIIis in Farming. Farming III.
(VOCALISING)
''He was just a farmer.
Someone stoIe his beans.''
''You fucking stoIe my beans, MacGruder!
I'II chase you on my yak!''
(VOCALISING)
''You'II never catch me! I have a yak, too!''
(VOCALISING)
''It's on Top Yak.
It's one of the best yaks in the worId.''
Not eXciting fiIms.
''Look, the grass is growing.''
And that's why farmers keep animaIs.
To make it more rock 'n' roII!
More eXciting. Most of the animaIs they keep
by choice are noisy animaIs.
Cows go ''moo'' and sheep go ''baa''
and dogs go ''woof'' and cats go ''woof''
and pigs go ''woof'' and horses go...
(MIMICKING NEIGHING)
And donkeys go ''ee-ore''. And pigs go ''onk.''
No. ''Woof'' or ''crack.''
No, they don't go ''crack.''
Maybe they take crack. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure there.
Jury's stiII out on that one.
Ducks, geese, aII noisy bastards.
They keep no snaiIs.
No badgers, no stoats,
no weaseIs, no...rabbits.
AII very quiet. GazeIIes make no noise.
EXcept for this noise.
(IMITATES SOUND OF SPEEDING CAR)
Because they Ieap.
You couIdn't farm gazeIIes, couId you?
You'd have to keep them in a bag.
''You want a gazeIIe, mate?'' ''Yeah, aII right.
''That's not a gazeIIe. That's an eeI.''
''Shit. Got the wrong bag.
''Here you go. Oh, it's gone.''
They have wings, you see. In the earIy days.
You can teII by...
Giraffes. Giraffes have no safety noise.
They don't have a signaI.
Like chickens have a safety noise, which is...
(MIMICS CLUCKING)
UnIess you wedge a trumpet on their face.
And then it's...
(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)
And you can train a chicken to do jazz.
Which I wouId encourage aII farmers to do.
Then the farmer's wife wouId say,
''What the heII is that?''
''That's my jazz chicken.''
(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)
''But how does he make an embouchure?''
''He has a beak.''
''I wedged a mango in there.''
Oh, you've boX cIever there.
And he wouIdn't actuaIIy wake you up,
wouId he?
He'd be Iike a permanent snooze button.
''And now it's 6:00 a.m. and jazz chicken.''
(MIMICKING SMOOTH JAZZ TRUMPET)
1 2:00 noon and peopIe are going,
''MiIk me, motherfucker, miIk me.
''Get this miIk out of me.
Someone pIug in, for God's sake.
''I've gotta rub myseIf against a tree.''
We don't know... How did feraI cows miIk
themseIves in the oId days before farming?
There must have been wiId cows
in the oId days.
Cows who were crazy. WiId.
''Fuck you, buddy. Yeah.''
Cows who wouId drive
through the streets in cars.
''Is this your car, sir?'' ''Moo.''
''Do you reaIise how fast you were going?''
''Moo.''
(EXCLAIMING)
''Is this your friend?''
(CHUCKLING)
''Moo.''
''Eh, Sarge, I think there's
a raptor and a cow in a car.
''Get everything here.''
''What do you mean everything?''
''I mean everything!''
As Gary wouId say.
''Moo.''
''Do you reaIise how fast you were going?''
''Moo.''
''You were doing three miIes an hour.''
''Moo?''
(MIMICKING THUDDING)
''He's going faster now.''
But giraffes have no emergency sound.
If a giraffe sees a tiger in Africa,
it wouId have aIarm and surprise
as two of its main emotions.
Two of the emotions
of the Spanish Inquisition.
Fear. WeII, fear, fear and surprise.
Fear because, ''It's a tiger.''
And surprise because it's a tiger
and there aren't any in Africa.
So what's it doing there? Is it on hoIiday?
Have they come over with pirates?
Through the GuIf of Aden? My hometown.
So, yeah. And it wouId turn to its friends
and say nothing. It has no...
(MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES)
Nothing. It shouId hire a jazz chicken to sit
on its back and go...
(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)
Or the jazz chicken couId go...
(TRUMPETING FASTER)
-(APPLAUSE)
-He couId do that.
And then it'II go,
''There are bees coming!'' ''Not bees.''
It has no way of saying tiger, so...
But it can cough.
If you Iook on Wikipedia, they can cough
and so that's what they must use.
A very British method of pointing out
aIarming things.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(COUGHING)
''There's a tiger over there.
(COUGHING) ''Tiger. Tiger over there.
There's a fucking, great, big tiger.
''Tiger at four o'cIock.''
''FiIm. Two syIIabIes.
''First syIIabIe. Sounds Iike.
''No, first syIIabIe. First syIIabIe.
''Tie? Tie?''
''Second syIIabIe, sounds Iike...
''Ger.''
''Ger?''
''Ger?''
''Tiger.''
''Tiger. Tiger.''
(INAUDIBLE)
And then they do go. You see them go.
And where do they go to?
Where do they go to? The giraffes who run.
WeII, they're taIIer than Africa,
that savannah bit.
They're so taII, they must hide behind
giraffes, that's what I've worked out.
One giraffe is here and then
the other giraffes just Iine out.
''Just stay in Iine.
Back a bit, back a bit, back a bit.
''Forward, forward a bit. Back a bit.''
And the giraffe pretends, at this point,
he pretends to be the EiffeI Tower.
C'est fantastique. C'est tres belle.
Oh, Paris bon nuit, c'est si belle.
# Boom, fish and chicken
# Sur la plage, quel dommage
# Qu'elle sausage
Tu m'appelles, oui ma mere #
The tiger's waIking around going,
''Where are we?
''We were in Asia, then Africa,
now we're in France.
''I can't stand this. Give me the iPhone.''
(EXCLAIMING)
Noah, he knew about animaIs.
Oh, yes, he did.
And he's mentioned in the BibIe,
which I think are oraI histories.
I think it did happen. There was a fIood,
there's fIood stories mentioned in the BibIe,
mentioned outside the BibIe.
We saw the tsunami, we know they happen.
Now the big point is,
did God teII him to make a boat
or did Noah just use his
Captain Common Sense?
'Cause a number of us, if we were
somewhere where it was raining
and raining and raining and raining
and raining and raining and raining,
and we had a big piIe of wood,
some of us might put two and two
together and go,
''I'm gonna make a bIoody boat.''
Others might go,
''I'm gonna make a hairdresser's.''
''I'm gonna buiId a monkey emporium.
I'm gonna buiId a big set of wooden shoes
''that wouId fit a giant.''
But he made a boat. He was quite sensibIe.
And what did he put on the boat? His famiIy.
What eIse? AnimaIs.
Which animaIs? Any he couId find.
Did he put two of every animaI in the worId
on the boat? No!
How couId I be so sure? Try it.
Just try it. It's impossibIe.
And there is such a word as impossibIe.
You can't...
It is impossibIe to eat the HimaIayas.
There's no such word as ''can't''?
WeII, try eating the bIoody HimaIayas.
''I got fuII after about two mountains,
you know.''
You're not gonna get through that.
So he was there,
and he buiIt this boat.
And just trying to get everything
on there wouId be a nightmare.
And it had to be everything,
from two dung beetIes
up to two giant squid. AII of them.
AII the fish had to be there because we
know they were bad, some of them.
Sharks are bad, you know?
Very few good sharks.
Very few sharks say, ''We've found a chiId.
''He was swimming about having a bad time.
''We were going to eat him, but we thought
it is not our way any more.
''Since the Geneva Convention on sharks,
''the agreement that sharks made
with humans.
''We took his Ieg but that is our trade.
''We caII him Stumpy.
''Or Thumper. I think his name is Kenneth.''
So Noah wouId be there,
saying, ''AII right, Margaret.
''Margaret, just stuff them aII over the boat.
''Lash one giant squid to the roof. Just do it.
''It's raining, Margaret, it doesn't matter.
''Just put them anywhere.
Shove them in cupboards.''
A giant squid sticking out of the cupboards
going, ''There's no toweIs.
''Is she there? No toweIs.
''Giant squid diary, day one.
''Got to the boat. Everything rather damp.
Must inform TripAdvisor.
''Seem to be running out of ink.
''Met a number of animaIs. Interesting ones.
Cat, dog, squirreI, a mouse.
''I wiII eat them Iater.
''I can't find Horace.
I think he's Iashed to the roof.''
And the whoIe
two by two thing doesn't work.
Two by two animaIs. ''AII right, here we go.
Kids, we're gonna get them up two by two.
''Two tigers, two cats, two dogs, two fish.
''Two rabbits, two squirreIs, two IIamas,
two bIue things, two zebras.
''How many is that?''
''That? So far, two tigers, Dad.''
''What do you... Oh, no.
''What happened?''
''It just seemed to... It became
a Wendy's aII-you-can-eat kind of...
''Do we have a psychotherapist on board?
Because I think
''I need to readjust after that.''
It wouIdn't work.
Lions and tigers eat everything.
It's Iike putting students on a boat
with a Ioad of cake miX, isn't it?
It wouId just be a munching fest.
I've been up cIose to a Iion
and they just do that.
And after 40 days and 40 nights of rain,
which is 40 days of rain, isn't it?
The nights are impIicit, for God's sake.
It's a month and a bit of rain.
Don't drag it out.
Forty Iunchtimes and forty afternoon teas.
Just padding out the BibIe.
After that period of time, they'd be there
from the BibIe, on the bit of Iand, saying,
''We're here.''
''As the ark makes IandfaII,
what a historic day.
''God's pIan has worked.
The ark has made it with two of everything.
''And here they come,
this is Noah and his famiIy first.
''Trying to get a word in,
they're rushing away,
''they're probabIy meeting some friends,
Iate for a dinner appointment.
''And Iions and tigers, there they go.
''WeII, they're chasing...
Made friends aIready, I suppose.
''No one eIse at the moment,
must be packing.
''Just getting their things together.
What a wonderfuI, gIorious day.
''Here comes a squirreI,
just running out there.
''Mr SquirreI, how did it go?''
''No. It was a nightmare, man.
''Don't go there. It was crazy. They
kiIIed everything. Those stripy bastards,
''they kiIIed everything, man.
There's nothing there, man.
''It's aII dead, aII dead, it's Iike a ghost ship.
''I escaped, I hid in a coIander.''
''Oh, shit.''
''You gotta write that down in the BibIe.
''It was a bad pIan, man, bad pIan.
Noah's pIan.''
''What happened to your wife?''
''She got away.
''Got away in a boat with an owI and a cat.''
''Did they take anything with them?''
''Yeah, they took spoons and a heIicopter,
''a IittIe toy one and a GatIing gun.''
''An owI and a pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautifuI pea green boat
''They took some spoons, a heIicopter
and a GatIing gun...''
''Yeah. It's not poetry.''
So, civiIisation, that's what we're about,
and whiIe we're here, 'cause I don't think
there's actuaIIy a reason why we're here,
but whiIe we're here we may as weII
try and be civiIised, just a IittIe bit British.
Just a IittIe bit getting up in the morning
and saying, ''HeIIo, how are you?''
WaIking on.
Can't stand the man, myseIf.
It's a IittIe bit Iike that.
And the Egyptians and the Sumerians,
they started it off, they started
the baII roIIing about 5,000 years ago.
They said, ''Come on, irrigation.
That's a good thing.''
And the pharaohs were going,
''I'm 1 2 years oId, I couId die sometime.''
''You're very young, sir.'' ''Yeah, I couId die,
so I wanna die in a pointy thing.''
''AII right, we'II make one.
About head height?'' ''A miIe high.''
''BIoody 1 2 year oIds.''
''Come on, Iads, cut some rock.''
And it was aII kind of sandy,
and they worshipped Ra, the Sun god, Ra.
They had a song.
# Ra, hurrah for Ra
He's up there near the stars
# But they're not there
They've gone somewhere else
# And he is there, it's up there. It's quite hot
It's hot, it makes all our ground crappy
# And that's why we have irrigation,
La, la, la, la, Ra, Ra... #
I'm not sure what the song was.
But it was something in that area.
And the worshipping of the Sun god,
that is the circIe behind Mary's head.
Mary and Baby Je, you know
they got the circIe,
and you grew up thinking that meant
they were very, very good, very, very good
or the CoIgate ''ring of confidence,''
remember that one?
ActuaIIy, it means sun worshipping.
It was sIid in behind Christianity.
Christianity, ''HeIIo.''
'Cause Christians worship Chris, of course.
That's what it shouId be about.
Christmas is when we remember Chris
and how he so briIIiantIy Ianded on that
pagan rituaI
of being born on the 25th of December.
What is it with Christianity?
There was aII these pagan reIigions,
and then Christianity went,
''That seems to fit.''
WeII, it was, and aII those peopIe...
A Iot of churches are buiIt on pagan sites,
so peopIe turn up for their pagan rituaIs,
''Let's go and worship on the feast of bingo.
''Where the fuck did this come from?''
''Ooh! It's not bingo any more,
it's Mr... It's Mr Chris.
''WeII, Iet's worship him then, shaII we?
Whoever's here, we'II worship.''
So, the Egyptians did a number
of groovy things.
Five thousand years they were there,
and they invented a Ianguage, a Ianguage,
written up on there.
And it was a nightmare for newsreaders.
''Here is the news in Egypt:
''Man with a hat, man with a hat, dog,
dog with a gun,
''waIking, pig, pig, pig, coming, man,
''duck with a gun, man,
there's an eyebaII waIking aIong,
''chicken with a banjo, dog,
reaIIy powerfuI dog, comes aIong,
''and the cat got him in an arm Iock.
Three things, big eye, big eye, fish, cat.
''It seems the orgy in the zoo continues
into its seventh year.
''That's what I'm guessing.
Here's the weather with Janine.''
''Thank you. It wiII be sunny forever.''
And now, the Greeks.
So, the Greeks came in,
'cause the Egyptians aII died in a car crash.
And the Greeks, they had democracy,
two Greek words.
''Demos'' means peopIe.
''Ocracy'' is a kind of infIatabIe cat
fuII of heIium going, ''Vote now, vote now.''
Kind of Iike Blade Runner, in my mind.
So, they had democracy, which is great,
and it took off there,
it fIowered through the Roman period,
500 years of democracy,
and then it went, somewhere around Caesar,
the third son of God.
And they aIso, not onIy had that,
they had the Spartans.
The Spartans were... The eIite fighters
of today are based on the Spartans.
And the Spartans were just crazy.
Get up in the morning...
(YAWNING)
''Kids!'' ''Dad!''
''Spears!''
''Breakfast.''
''How many did you get?'' ''Got eight.''
''I got seven.''
Just mayhem. Death by numbers.
Yeah, the Spartans. The men, of course,
were huh! But the women were aIso huh!
The chiIdren were huh! And the dogs
were woof! and the cats were woof!
The sIugs were...
(EXCLAIMING)
And the sheep shh! - siIent.
The most deadIy sheep in the worId.
They were the onIy predator sheep
the worId has ever known.
They wouId wear bandanas,
Iike the kamikaze piIots,
with ancient sheep runes on them.
They had not a cIue what they meant.
And they wouId sneak up on woIves,
they wouId creep up in the dead of night.
Shh. They wouId never make a bIeat.
The woIves wouId wake and go, ''Sheep!''
''What? I'm the woIf who cried sheep.''
And the irony was writ Iarge upon them.
And the sheep wouId be in a stand-off
with the woIves,
'cause they knew they were more powerfuI,
but the sheep were brave.
And the sheep wouId take a rusty bIade
and they wouId say, ''Look at this!''
(BLOWING)
And they wouId shear themseIves.
(GRUNTING)
''Come on!
''I've got my jacket off now.
''You wanna come outside?''
And the woIves wouId go, ''We are outside.''
''Let's fight, motherfucker.''
And the woIves wouId go,
''This is not in the book.
''Grab their cIothes and run.''
As the audience reaIised where the joke was,
the woIves in sheep's cIothing
wouId run down the hiII,
run into a IocaI market, buy SIurpees,
run off, and never pay.
''Hey, I thought they were sheep.''
''They were woIves in sheep's cIothing.''
''I didn't know. New thing to me.''
And it started a whoIe spate of that, woIves
in sheep's cIothing, dogs in cats' cIothing,
pigs in giraffes' cIothing,
which Iooked odd,
and ants in eIephants' cIothing,
which was the biggest bIuff of aII.
''Move or we wiII trampIe you.''
''You're the fIattest eIephants I've ever seen.''
''We are covert eIephants.
Work for the nationaI secret peopIe.
''We're taking Ieaves back to our nests.''
''EIephants don't have nests.''
''Shit.''
''We wiII trampIe you
''with our noses.''
(SCOFFINGLY) ''Tsssh.''
Said the man.
(WHISPERING) Forget that scene.
I Iike the scene up tiII there,
but I don't know where it goes after that.
SuddenIy a cow turned up. ''Moo.''
''You again?'' ''Moo.''
''Can you give me Iift to the shops?'' ''Moo.''
''Is that a yes or a no?''
''Moo.''
''AII right, I'm coming with you.''
(EXHALING)
''Stop writing on the windows.''
''I thought you just said, 'Moo'.''
''Moo.''
Just moving that mime away.
So, Spartans.
They fought the battIe of ThermopyIae.
The BattIe of ThermopyIae,
made into a fiIm caIIed
On the Good Ship Lollipop.
That was the first fiIm about it.
It's an anagram.
On the Good Ship Lollipop,
BattIe of ThermopyIae.
It's eXactIy the same Ietters.
It's aImost eXactIy the same Ietters.
It was a ShirIey TempIe fiIm. She was
in her Jodie Foster Taxi Driver period,
she was trying to do
more edgy chiIdren's fiIms.
But anyway, she wanted... ''I want
to make fiIm, one about the Spartans.
''About the Spartans at ThermopyIae.''
They said, ''AII right,'' and it was On the
Good Ship Lollipop, and they did that.
# On the good ship... #
(MIMICKING HACKING WITH A SWORD)
(SCREAMING)
''ShirIey!'' ''Spartan!''
# ...Lollipop #
(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)
But they tested it on chiIdren in America,
and the chiIdren actuaIIy eXpIoded.
(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)
''Shit, they're going!''
So, they decided to edit aII the vioIence
out of the fiIm.
And you can't teII. If you watch
On the Good Ship Lollipop, you can't teII,
eXcept if you Iook at ShirIey
when she turns in a certain Iight,
you can see a IittIe bit of bIood
coming out of there down her chin.
But the Spartans were crazy,
they wouId oiI themseIves before battIe,
so no one couId take them aIive.
''I've got him! Hang on.''
''These guys, it's Iike fighting fish over here,
XerXes.
''XerXes, put the ScrabbIe board down, mate.
''Who invented traveI ScrabbIe?
''Come on,
we're trying to do something here.''
These bIokes, they were tacticaIIy very cIever
because this is 300 Spartans against 50,000,
100,000 Persians? No one knows
how many Persians. They now think
it couId have been aII the Persians.
Persia was empty that day, they beIieve.
If you'd waIked into Persia, just
empty, eXcept for cats and carpets.
PeopIe just heIping themseIves.
''We're here on the border of Persia,
and there's just peopIe with carpets,
-''and cats trying to protect them.''
-(MIMICKING CAT MIAOWING)
''Give us a carpet. Get away with a carpet.''
''Vote now.''
The Spartans were cIever as weII,
tacticaIIy cIever,
they got the Persians to attack them
in a very narrow pIace,
which was the corridor
of a Student Union party.
Get our cake miX out the window!
Take the booze, run!
Take the Watney's Red BarreI.
I didn't have that, no. It was more Tennent's.
Cans of Iager.
Anyway. So, yes, so that was the Spartans.
Greeks fought in the phaIanX,
they wouId have a whoIe group of peopIe
with 20-foot spears. You couIdn't get
at them, they had 20-foot spears.
UnIess one of your group was crazy enough
to say, ''Don't worry, I'II Iead the way.''
(CHUCKLING)
Sacrifice himseIf on the spear.
(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)
(LAUGHING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(SIGHING)
(LAUGHING)
(WHOOPING)
Can't do that.
(MIMICKING THUDDING)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
Shit.
(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)
(LAUGHING)
(GROANING)
(CHUCKLING WEAKLY)
(GROANING SOFTLY)
(GIGGLING)
(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)
''ToId you.
''EXtra two foot on my spear.
''God, he's heavy.
I'm gonna wiggIe him off the end.''
(MIMICS THUDDING)
''Crap.''
''They'II think you're signaIIing!''
''I'm not, I'm just trying to get
''a dead guy off the end of my spear.
''They'II probabIy think he's a poIe vauIter
having a reaIIy weird...
''Having a reaI tough day at the office.''
These gigs are just for me, you reaIise.
''Come off my spear.
''Hang on.
''Okay. Okay.
''I can't see anything. I can't see anything.
''Hang on, hang on...
''Okay. I'm good.''
(HUMMING)
Then the Romans came in with a short,
pointy sword, turned it sideways and went...
''Ha-ha!''
''Hang on, hang on, hang on.
''WeIcome to the second Iine of defence.
''I'm just going to get a
sherbet or something.''
The Romans took over everything,
they buiIt aqueducts, viaducts,
they couId move ducks around
faster than anyone ever had.
Everyone was confused by this briIIiant move
that meant that ducks were aIways
in difficuIt pIaces to get at.
You never knew...
Where were these ducks coming from?
Even the ducks were going,
''We don't know why we're here.''
And the Roman's going, ''I think
they're supposed to be on water, reaIIy.''
And the men seemed to ruIe the empires.
In fact, the women ruIed the empires
with the use of poison.
And the men wouId say, ''I, Lucius,
I wiII kiII Gaius Cassius,
''and I wiII be emperor of Rome.''
And the women wouId say, ''Good Iuck,
Lucius, have a peach before you go.''
''Thank you, CaIpurnia.
''PeopIe of Rome...''
Now my young, 3-year-oId, idiot duck son
wiII become...
(QUACKING)
(VOCALISING)
(QUACKING)
The Romans did a heII of a Iot, man.
They did a heII of a Iot, very industrious,
very good at kiIIing, death by death.
Death by kiIIing with big, pointy things.
They were good at that,
but they did this with a Ianguage
which we know from schooI is siIIy.
It's too bIoody compIicated.
It's just got nouns and a mascuIine,
feminine, neuter, biseXuaI, hermaphrodite
and straight transvestite.
They have an accusative, a nominative,
a vocative, a Iocative,
an abIative, a dative and genetive.
CouIdn't they have had 19 more?
I mean why stop at 27? I mean, it goes on.
If someone says, ''Do you want a beer?''
you are stuck in the idea of
I'm the object, I'm...
The beer's the object, no, I want a beer.
Yes, I do. ''Yes'' is affirmative.
I want affirmative action but the beer is...
You are the object. No, the beer is
the object. The beer is coming towards me,
that's a motion towards, that's to,
so dative's gotta be in there somewhere.
Just mime me an answer. Thumb?
Yeah, aII right, mate.
How did they get the messages out...
When HannibaI attacked
through Spain, up and over the AIps,
how did they get the message out?
I mean, 'cause HannibaI actuaIIy won
a whoIe bunch of battIes,
and maybe that was because they just
couIdn't speak to each other quick enough.
Messengers running from one battIe
to another going,
''Centurion, Centurion, alarum,
alarum miserarium,
''minerarium, miserarium, alarum miserarium.
''Touten de soldatens
''er, mourati on the party.''
''Quod the fuck is the...
Quod erat demonstrandum?''
''Ich bin messengare. '' ''Si, naturellement. ''
''Und ich couriere nach here
from a Iong way away-re
''mit newsum tres mauvaises de
le battle-arium, the battarium
''the pugnacco of the peopIes
and the tuti of the mutis
''on the booties.''
''Quod the fuck are you taIking about here?''
''It's difficlarium. ''
''HannibaI!'' ''HannibaI? HannibaI.''
''Si, HannibaI!'' ''Oh, didus
knock mentanatem HannibaI?''
''Si, si, Generalissimo HannibaI.''
''HannibaI?'' C'est tres dangereux!
''Si. Er kommt, mein Herr. ''
''Arriverarm, arrivederci? No. Arriveramus?
''Is... Veni, vidi, vici!'' ''Veni, vidi, vici?''
''Si, veni, vidi, vici. HannibaI.''
''Mit soldates?''
''Si, mit soldates. No, tout seul,
bucket and spade on hoIiday, I think.
''Naturellement mit soldates,
mit total soldates.
''Multo soldates, infinitata soldates. ''
''Infinidate soldates is mathemelaticus
totaIIy impossibiliatus. ''
''No.
''Ask Pythagoratus.''
''Yes, ist te truthum. It's the veritum. ''
''Pi?''
''Danke schon. ''
''Have you tried just not cooking this?
''C'est pas mal, c'est pas mal, mate.
RhetoricaI...
''Gas markum quoi?''
''Gas markum 3.1 41 .''
''It's a jokum, it's a jokum. He's a funny Iad.''
(CHUCKLING)
''High-fives, Pythagoratus.
''Square of the hypotenuse.''
''Have you finished?''
''No, 'cause cette fois
''HannibaI is coming
'round the mountain when he comes.
''Is coming 'round the mountains
when he comes.''
''Coming 'round the mountains?
Coming 'round the mountains?''
''Coming 'round the mountains
when he comes.''
Singing...
(VOCALISING)
''Mit pink pyjamas?''
''Kein pink pyjamas.''
''Cette fois er kommt mit elephantein. ''
''Elephantein?
''What the fuck elephantein erat?''
''Elephantein tres dangereux.
Elephantein tres mysteriosum.
''Front part is elephantain and is similaris
con ein squirrel. ''
''Hey, man. Don't take the piss out of me.
''I'm just here, you know, Iooking for my wife.
''Have you seen a boat?''
''Imagine this maximum squirrel
upside-downus, back to frontus.
''Tailum ist nosum.
''Tailum ist nosum.
''Back part is elephantein is smilarus
but a magnus pigus. Bigus pigus.
''Bike pump.
''Attachum mit duct tape.
That is elephantein. ''
''Das ist elephantein? Run, motherfucker.''
It's too big, too Iong.
AII that takes far too Iong,
and HannibaI wouId overrun them,
and kiII them aII and set up a charity.
EngIish is good, it's taken off
because it's such a simpIe Ianguage
at its base IeveI.
''HannibaI's coming!'' ''HannibaI? What with?''
''SoIdiers.'' ''How many?'' ''Tons''.
''What eIse?'' ''EIephants.''
''What are they?'' ''Pigs and squirreIs. Run.''
The EngIish have gone, the EngIish have
gone. God, they had such a quick Ianguage.
You have to have a tea party to work out
the Latin stuff.
Yes, we got rid of one of our you's.
We had two you's, we got rid of one.
The whoIe famiIiar you.
''Aren't you my father?''
And the unfamiIiar you.
''Who the fuck are you guys?''
So, we got rid of the first one.
That was aII the ''thee'' and the ''thou'' one
that the PiIgrims used,
wouIdst thee, wouIdst thou, wouId thee,
thy, thum...
WouIdst thou? Thou wiIt disagree.
Thou wiIt have a bad time over the fact
that thou didst send us away...
Why don't you aII just go?
Go and hang in the middIe of the country.
So, yeah.
The Romans aII died in a chariot crash,
and then CharIes Darwin wrote a
famous book in 18 scritty swam swums,
and that book was an interesting book
'cause it was caIIed,
Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey,
Monkey, Monkey, You.
And it just took off Iike wiIdfire and it
caused an outrage in the monkey kingdom.
Monkeys were furious about it.
They were fIinging poo at eIectricaI fans
that had been
speciaIIy set up for the occasion.
Because ''the shit hits the fan'' is a saying
that is post-eIectricity.
Pre-eIectricity it's just...
(BLOWING)
''Did you just throw a poo at my fan?
''What's the point of that?
''You want me to switch the eIectricity on?
''WeII, we've onIy just had it wired up.
I don't see...''
(EXCLAIMING)
''I see, yes, yes.
''Yes, the shit has certainIy hit the fan now.''
Before eIectricity aII they had was
''Then the shit wiII reaIIy hit
the Archimedes screw.''
Much sIower.
So, yes, that was it, evoIution, evoIution,
and we have evoIution aII the way
from the beginning up to now,
incIuding aII of us, the genetics that go
through us, the inbreeding,
non-inbreeding, the RoyaI famiIy.
WeII, it's good that the RoyaI FamiIy...
They shouIdn't have seX with peopIe.
The idea of being commoners...
We have an idea of commoners.
''Commoners'' is a horribIe word.
I think it shouId be ''reaI peopIe.''
That's what the House of Commons
shouId be. The House of ReaI PeopIe.
And the commoners, they're reaI peopIe,
you see?
So, the Queen Mother, she was aIways crazy,
she was shot out of a cannon
for her funeraI, as you know.
That was her dying wish,
''Shoot me out of a cannon.''
It was kind of a Robin Hood thing
going on there.
She was a Scottish Iady, oh, yes.
She was... You never heard her speak.
Do you remember the Iast 40 years,
you never heard a word
but she was there going,
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) ''WiII you shoot me
out of a cannon? Come on.
''I'd Iike to see the SoIent one more time
before I Iand in the IsIe of Wight.
''Come on, you fucker. Give us a break.''
Something Iike that.
But the Queen,
I just have a probIem with monarchy
because obviousIy in the third miIIennium
hereditary priviIege is insane.
Yes, I hear your siIent yes.
Hereditary priviIege?
How do you eXpIain that to chiIdren?
''Why do some peopIe Iive in fantastic houses
''and we give them cash out of our taXes?''
''Because er...
''I don't know, that's a good question,
smaII chiId.''
It is an interesting question.
You know, it's gotta change.
I think CharIie's doing something, you know,
he's doing organic farming, he's doing stuff.
The charity he does is good.
Some of the kids are doing stuff,
but Liz and PhiI,
Liz and PhiI haven't done anything,
Liz and PhiI just sat there.
'Cause they got in at '52 and then
immediateIy the Queen introduced the new...
Then in the '60s, the Queen decided
to change the way that...
And she encouraged peopIe to...
And in the '70s,
she compIeteIy redistributed...
And reaIised she had too much weaIth,
so she decided to...
Then in the '80s, they set up a charity to do...
And then they encouraged other peopIe to...
And in the '90s, they just totaIIy reIaXed,
and they said, ''Everyone, why don't you...''
And then in the 2000s,
they've set a great eXampIe by...
Stop me at any point.
I think she's got 20 years Ieft, she's in there,
but she essentiaIIy does what she does
on the stamps.
Do something! Just do something!
Open your house up!
Give aII your houses away! Do something!
Change your hair. Smoke a cigarette.
Drive a car.
Wave a bit. Fucking wave.
Where's the fucking wave?
We paid good money,
we want some fucking waving.
Got cash, got cash, do waves.
Don't you think?
Anyway, so, evoIution.
We can see evoIution with fish.
Fish swim in the sea, they're very thin,
they breathe through their necks.
And they just seem to be... They have very
short memories, I beIieve, fish,
and so they seem to just be going,
''Oh, oh, oh, oh...''
As if someone's just toId them,
''You reaIise you're fish,
''and you have very short memories.'' ''Oh.
''Oh. Oh.
''Oh, I didn't reaIise. Oh, no.''
And then the mudskipper is a fish
that waIks aIong on its Iegs.
You can see the evoIution
with the mudskipper going aIong.
And if you Iook right deep into his eyes,
you can see him going,
''I'm aImost there, I'm aImost there.
One day I'II have a house and a Ferrari.
''I'II work on the Stock EXchange.
Lose Ioads of money down a toiIet.''
And then fish fIy, fish fIy. In the sky.
They must be up there going, ''Oh, wow.''
And then they must stop in trees
occasionaIIy and go, ''Oh.''
And then birds are in trees, they're going,
''Who the fuck are you guys?''
''Oh, no.''
''We're birds, we eat fish.'' ''Oh, crap.''
''FIy, Freddie, fIy!''
You ever seen birds chasing fish in the air?
It just Iooks so... You go,
''I gotta have a drink, that's weird.''
So, that's the fish side, that's evoIution.
Then on the creation side,
God got the worId and he went,
''There it is, it's bIue, don't fuck it up.''
Can't stand the man.
We don't know what that means.
It's just funny, but we don't know why.
But now he didn't do it in one go.
Which, I think, why take siX days over it?
Why not just go...
He did it siX days with one day for prayer.
Why not do two seconds...
(EXCLAIMING)
And then you've got seven days for prayer.
And they couId just be up there going,
''God, you're reaIIy great,
you're reaIIy fantastic.
''Dear God, we thank you,
especiaIIy for what you did on Tuesday.
''That was reaIIy... Was it Tuesday?
No, never. That's right.''
You never wake up and you hear,
''God's given everyone an eXtra banana.
''What a wonderfuI day it is!
EXtra banana for everyone.''
Never. Anyway, siX days of making the Earth,
Iike he's making a train set for his kids.
(BLOWING)
After a whiIe smaII animaIs wiII be foIIowing
going, ''Who are you?''
''I'm God.'' ''Why are you taking so Iong?
''We've got no food.''
''AII right, I'II make you food.
Sorry about that. What are you, badgers?
''SquirreIs? Chicken?''
(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)
''We eat nuts, man. Have you seen a boat?''
''Haven't made them yet.''
''WeII, what am I doing here?''
''Right, badgers. Badgers eat bok choy.''
''No, we don't. Not eating that.
It's supposed to be pak choi, anyway.''
''It's caIIed bok choy.'' ''Pak choi.''
''Mandarin.'' ''Cantonese.''
(SIGHING)
''Not eating it.''
''AII right, sprouting broccoIi.''
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
''HoIy crap, I see badgers can be choosers.''
(AUDIENCE GROANING)
What?
What, you've heard too many bok choy,
pak choi, sprouting broccoIi,
badger creationist jokes this week?
''Oh, yeah, up to here,
every other person saying them.
''Can't... Just wading through them
this Christmas.
''That oId chestnut.
''Didn't the Greeks use that one?'' Fuck off.
''AII right, Mr Badger,
creme bruIee you shaII eat.''
''Creme bruIee?
That's hardIy bruIee, that's singed.''
''AII right, that's creme fIambee now.''
''Creme bruIee, creme fIambee,
where did you Iearn French?''
''WhiIe you were pissing about
making the Earth.
''I was on Rosetta Stone.
''We were aII sitting around there going,
'La chaise est sur l'elephant. '''
''I don't know what he's taIking about.''
(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)
''Day one in the giant squid diaries.''
''Nothing, it's a void. Day three, isn't it?''
''Shit, running out of ink. Why, why, why?
There's no water yet. Bugger, bugger.''
''AII right.
Give me another Letts diary, wiII you?''
Do you remember those?
Every Christmas you get your Letts diary.
You fiII in just the first siX days
and then bIank.
Did everyone do that?
Then about June you'd rediscover it
and start fiIIing it in again
and then go...
Then you'd backfiII it with Iessons.
Okay, I saw one kid doing that.
Anyway, creationism has turned,
through the mind of a Sarah PaIin,
into inteIIigent design. And I have
two probIems with inteIIigent design.
One is the inteIIigence part of it,
and the other is the design part of it.
Because, you know, there's some things
which are wonderfuI in the worId,
and some things that are horribIe,
disgusting. Cancer.
InteIIigent design, or just weird fucking stuff
going on? ChoIera, aII those things.
If we were God for haIf an hour,
we wouId ban poo and pee.
Why do we have poo and pee?
You say, ''Oh, waste products.''
Why not just eat food and do stuff?
There's no Iogic to waste products.
Just efficient use of energy.
Eat it and boom, go do stuff.
Poo and pee causes aII those...
Coughs and sneezes spread diseases.
AII the poo and peeing diseases,
choIera, aII that... Out the window,
if we were God. And then you say,
''You might need the poo for crops.''
WeII, no, the crops grow because
of sunIight. Or because they want to.
Remember you're God.
So the appendiX, it sits neXt to your
oesophagus your entire Iife going,
''Any grass? Is that grass, mate?
Is that grass? What's that, bok choy? No?
''ArsehoIe.
''What's that, spinach? WeII, do you want...
Forget it.
''No, it's horribIe. I don't want to touch it.
''We've got an appendiX here, but forget it.
''Asparagus! That's Iike grass, isn't it?
Big grass? Big grass, mate?
''Do you want to run it through
me and Jimbo? Machine? One carefuI owner.
''This is insane.
I'm caIIing InteIIigent Design.''
(MIMICKING DIALLING)
''InteIIigent Design.''
''Yeah, it's the appendiX.''
''Yes, the appendiX. Any news?''
''WeII, what the fuck are we doing?
''Did you put us here on duty
to deaI with the grass?
''I mean, it doesn't eat grass.
Haven't you noticed?
''It might be evoIution.''
''Yeah, weII, it might be, motherfucker.
''We don't wanna be here.
We're just sitting here, doing nothing.
''We want to be somewhere eIse. Where?
''We want to be in the back of books.
''You put an appendiX in the back of books.
Go on, put it there,
''and then, we don't want page numbers,
we want Roman numeraIs.
''ReaI teeny, tiny ones.
''And then we want endIess Iists of rubbish
that no one ever reads.
''Or, they'd read two or three of them
and then go, 'Oh, this is crap.'
''And then they go back. You do that.
Otherwise... Otherwise we wiII eXpIode.''
Your appendiX eXpIodes, just Iike John Hurt
in the fiIm Alien
(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)
when that thing comes out.
And that Iooks Iike an appendiX with teeth.
Your appendiX very rareIy gets huge and
eats the rest of your crew. That's true.
But that's it. Cows have four stomachs.
Why do they have four stomachs?
Why not one stomach? Why don't they do it
Iike us, just eat stuff and then poo or pee?
They have four crappy stomachs,
or useIess stomachs.
They eat food, it comes back up,
they chew it again, it goes back down.
It comes back up.
It keeps going up and down.
By the fourth stomach, sureIy it's coming up
and they're going,
''This did not need to come back up.
''This shouId have gone the other way.
''I now understand 'shit-eating grin.'
I know what it is.
''ShouId be shit-eating grimace.''
(TUTTING)
Cows shouId be in corners of fieIds going...
(RETCHING)
Never see that.
Or they shouId be in cars going, ''Moo.''
''We Iike him.''
(EXCLAIMING)
''Moo.''
Cow and raptor.
Cow, raptor.
(VOCALISING)
''Moo.''
''Go, cow, go.'' ''Moo.''
''Put aII the moo in the bag.
''Got Iots of moo.''
''What the fuck is moo?''
''I think it's air.''
Work on the first draft of this script.
So, I think we Iook for ruIes to Iive our Iives.
And I decided to take aII the reIigions in
the worId and aII the phiIosophies,
because I think reIigions are phiIosophies
with an eXtra top coat of mysticaI
things, you know.
Stuff for peopIe Iiving in trees. Or cIouds.
Or trees. If a god Iived in a tree
that wouIdn't work, wouId it?
''I am a god.'' ''You're Iiving in a tree.
''You're Iike a bird, aren't you?'' ''Yeah.
''But... Oh, bugger.''
What I chose
from aII the reIigions and faiths in the worId,
and I decided to try and Iive...
You know, you want some ruIe, direction
to Iive your Iife by.
And ''Do unto others as you wouId
have others do unto you'' seems to be
one thing you can just grab hoId of
and is reaIIy good.
And it's not perfect, and you're gonna be
grumpy at peopIe, or shouting or whatever,
but if you try that one, I think it's reaIIy good.
And you don't need anything eIse.
And then there's the Ten Commandments.
Now, that's a Iot of commandments.
I think humans, we Iike simpIistic.
But anyway, Moses, charismatic individuaI,
mentioned in the BibIe,
mentioned outside the BibIe.
Grew up as an ancient Egyptian,
which means he was an Egyptian
who was reaIIy oId at the age of three.
''Oh, yes. Come over here, young man.
''EXcited are we?''
He wouId say.
And, so, he was actuaIIy a Hebrew person
who was smuggIed in and adopted.
And aII the Hebrew peopIe were ensIaved
in Egypt at that time
because they were there on hoIiday
and it aII went pear-shaped.
And Moses grew up and he kiIIed a sIave
owner. And he rushed off and hid
and became a shepherd to get out of being
sent... Put on triaI, whatever it was.
And whiIe he was up on the mountain
with his sheep, a bush caught fire.
(MIMICKING FLAME ROARING)
And he said,
''Right. Come on, sheep, get out of here.
''It's Iooking kind of bibIicaI around here.''
And the bush said,
''Moses, Moses, come back here.''
And he said, ''Hang on, sheep, just wait.
What is it?''
''Moses, you must Ieave this pIace.''
''I was Ieaving when you caIIed me back.
''What the bIoody heII do...''
''No, I mean you must Ieave this area,
on a short to mid-term future,
''on a geopoIiticaI basis.''
''For fuck's sake,
''you're a very compIicated bush.
''We're not used to that round here.''
So, yes. He ran over to the sheep.
''It's a sIow burn,'' he said to the sheep.
''Look, sheep. I gotta go.
Get out of Dodge City.''
''You Iads, you get out of here.
Run, you run from here.
''I have to go and do things.
So you run and you find the Spartan sheep.
''They wiII train you to be ninjas.
They wiII train you to be kamikaze.
''That's not reaIIy usefuI.
''That's a kind of (THUD) thing.
AII right, forget it, it's too compIicated.''
''What?''
''Moo.''
''You're mooing sheep.
You must find the Spartan sheep.
''They wiII train you to become Ieaders of
sheep. And I'II meet you in the finaI scene.''
''Okay.''
So he runs off.
He goes down to his friends and says,
''Come on, Iads, we'II get aII the Hebrew
peopIe and Ieave this desert.
''Let's go to a desert.''
Yeah, change is as good as a rest.
''I want to go to Surrey.''
''No, it's a bit rainy there.''
Let's go to the desert. He says, ''Let's go
tonight, under the cover of frogs.''
So... 'Cause there were ten pIagues
that Ianded on Egypt.
And, you know, there's a pIague of fIies.
(MIMICKING FLIES BUZZING)
PIague of Iocusts.
(MIMICS LOCUSTS CHIRPING)
And a pIague of frogs was one of
the weirdest pIagues I've ever heard of.
If that came from God,
he had Iost his marbIes.
Because a pIague of frogs is not a pIague,
is it? It's just a Iot of frogs.
It's more frogs than usuaI.
To be a pIague, you have to be abIe to go,
''The fIies, the fIies!''
''The Iocusts, the Iocusts!''
And you're never going, ''The frogs,
the frogs! I'm drowning in frogs!
''HeIp me, Mama, heIp me!''
''PuII Jimby out of the fiI... Out of the frog pit.
''The pit of frogs. The frogs have got him.''
''Don't Iick their backs.''
Who came up with a haIIucinogenic
back of a toad?
Was that God on crack cocaine?
(INHALING)
''Look. B-sus, just Iook at this.
''B-sus, Iick the back of that.
(CONTINUES INHALING)
''Lick that. Lick the back of that toad.
Lick the back of that toad.''
''Dad, you've said that for haIf an hour now.''
''B-sus, you're covered in something.''
''What, Dad?''
''Wow, this is reaIIy good toad.
This is a good year. What year is this?
''1927. Wow, eXceIIent toad year.''
Toads came up with the Iine,
''You Iick my back, and I'II Iick yours.''
If he created a frog pIague,
then he must have been going,
''AII right, T-sus, P-sus, D-sus, L-sus,
I want another pIague.''
''You've had ten, Dad. WeII, you've had nine.
This'II be the tenth.
''You had a pIague of toads,
and a pIague of heIicopters,
''a pIague of peopIe with weird haircuts,
pIague of dripping.''
''The dripping, the dripping.
But there's no bread.''
''I want another pIague.
Who are those green Iads over there?''
''They're frogs, they're pIaying canasta,
worId championship.''
''Who's winning?'' ''Frogs are, 2 to 1 .''
''Who are they pIaying?'' ''Other frogs.''
''Put them in a DC-9, I want them down.''
''Great Pharaoh, huge, green monsters
are faIIing from the...
(MIMICS THUDDING)
''SmaII green monsters, quite smaII.
''Just frogs.''
(MIMICS FROG CROAKING)
So they strapped them to their heads
and they ran and ran.
''There's frogs escaping.'' ''It's okay.''
And they go up through...
And they went through the Red Sea
'cause a giant squid heId the water back.
''Go on, good Iuck, good Iuck.''
''Giant squid's diary, day 3,009.
''HeIped the frogs. No.
''HeIped the Hebrew peopIe get out
''of Egypt. Running out of bIoody ink again.
''Got a biro.
''HeIped the Hebrew peopIe to escape
under the cover of frogs.
''Was gIad to heIp. Links with Noah.
Saw Mr SquirreI again.''
''It was heII in there, man. We were ensIaved.
''SquirreIs were ensIaved.'' ''For what?''
''I don't know.''
(MIMICKING TRUMPHET BLOWING)
''I'm going to marry a chicken.''
So then they wandered in the desert
for 40 years.
And if I was with that group, after 23 years,
I wouId have turned to them and said,
''What the fuck is going on? 23 years
just wandering in the desert.
''I'II give you 1 7 more years and that's it.''
And after 1 7 years, 30 years, 40 years,
and after 40 years,
there are obviousIy peopIe going mad,
going crazy.
They're going,
''I'm gonna have seX with my foot.''
''I'm gonna eat baIIoons tiII I eXpIode.''
''I'm gonna set fire to my buttocks.''
''I'm gonna stapIe my toes to a tractor.''
''I'm gonna fiII myseIf with sand
and seII myseIf to a taXidermist.''
And Moses said, ''Look, you can't do this.
This is insane. You can't. There are ruIes.''
''There are no ruIes!'' ''AII right, I'II get 10.''
So he runs off and comes back,
''AII right, here they are.''
''RuIe one, never piss in a toaster.
''Never eat barbed wire.
Don't caII yourseIf Mr Jimjams.
''Never scrape your brain
with the back of a comb.
''Don't put your toes in a fire.
''Never SeIIotape your eyeIids
to your mother's.''
''What? These aren't ruIes, you just made
these up on the way back from the hiII.''
''I couIdn't find anyone with... Just...
I'II get better ones.'' Runs off.
Two hours Iater he comes back.
''AII right, aII right. Here we are.
''AIways keep quiet.
Run up a tree if you see anyone.
''Keep your taiI cIean. Keep your nuts and
your makeup in a hoIe in the tree.''
''This is...
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
''These are squirreI ruIes.''
''Hey, man. Don't have a go at us, man.
''We got good ruIes. Yeah.
We know what we're doing, man.
''This is my chicken.''
(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)
''Who are these peopIe?
They're not Hebrew squirreIs and chickens.''
''They're just with us. They're with the band.''
So, yes. So then he said...
They said to him. They said,
''Moses, Iook, Moses, we want reaI ruIes,
ruIes you can write on rock.
''The three R's.'' So he said,
''AII right. I'II go get them.''
As the audience worked that joke out
he ran away.
He ran off and he was away for months.
About two months. A Iong time.
Must have been, because by the time
he returned, they had smeIted metaI.
That's a Discovery programme, channeI,
thing. That's a... SmeIting metaI?
''Oh, he's not coming back.
He's probabIy eaten by bears.
''Let's smeIt metaI.
''Let's make a cast-iron version of a god.''
And it never works. If you watch it,
it's very difficuIt to make a proper mouId
and get it aII working out, especiaIIy
in the desert after 40 years.
Pour it out and go, ''There, a goIden caIf.''
''Looks Iike a badger that's head's eXpIoded.''
''That's a stoat covered in sick.''
''That's a man who's eaten
too many baIIoons.''
''Whatever it is, he's caIIed Jimbo
and we're worshipping him.''
''We worship thee, O Jimbo,
our Iord of thistIe.
''PIease bring us kazoos on the hour,
every hour.''
And then Moses returned and he said...
He was furious and he smashed the tabIets
of stone on the ground.
He said, ''What are you doing?''
And they aII went...
(VOCALISING)
He said, ''You caII those kazoos?
'''Cause no one recognised the sound.''
''They never do, Great Moses.
''For some reason,
that joke aIways screws up at that point.
''You can't do... We can't do kazoo sounds.''
(VOCALISING)
''Don't practise now, they're fiIming.''
(VOCALISING)
(INHALING)
''The Force is with them.''
''With them?'' ''Yeah.''
''Look, Iook, Iook, I've got ruIes.''
And he said he got ruIes.
''Rock ruIes. RuIes written on rock.
''And they're the Ten Commandments,
but you don't need them,
''because the one, 'Do unto others,'
is a seIf-poIicing ruIe.''
Thou shaII not kiII. Do unto others as
you'd have others do unto you.
WouId you Iike others to kiII you?
ProbabIy not.
So don't kiII other peopIe.
WouId you Iike your stuff being stoIen?
ProbabIy not. So don't steaI other peopIe's.
It's seIf-poIicing.
So those are the two main ones,
and then there's other ones
in the Ten Commandments
''Iike, you know, don't put your knitting
on the stage, Mrs Worthington,
or something. I don't know. Never SeIIotape
your hair to a tractor. These things.
And there's one in there that's just
compIeteIy bonkers.
Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbour's oX.
What?
What, was that aII the rage?
Were peopIe going,
''Oh, my God. Have you seen Steve's oX?''
''What? Where? Where?'' ''Don't Iook now.''
''It's a genius oX. It's the most amazing oX
I've ever seen. It's briIIiant.
''It's just... Have you seen...
It was on Top Ox. It was on Top Ox.
''You know Top Gear? It's Top Ox.
This oX can go 0-50 in under a year.
''It is the most amazingIy sIeek...
''BuiIt by the Germans, you can hang
your washing between his ears.
''He reaIIy has the biggest face
this side of Christendom.
''This is one motherfucker of an oX.''
How were... Why were peopIe coveting oXes?
It isn't thou shaIt not steaI the oX,
or eat the oX, or set fire to the oX,
or have seX with the oX, it's just covet
the oX. It's just wanting the oX.
How do you have an oX market, how do you
seII oXes if no one wants them?
Any trade wiII not work if no one can
covet anything. It must have been weird.
You know, peopIe saying,
''Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbour's oX.''
''He's not my neighbour, he Iives across
the road, number 23.
''I'm off on a technicaIity.''
I used to say it's thou shaIt not cover
thy neighbour's oX.
And that makes more sense,
because you can't find your bIoody oX.
''Where's my oX?
I can't bIoody find the oX now. I was in it.
''Jim, have you seen my oX?
I can't bIoody see him anywhere.
''Someone's just run off with my oX.
Where's your duvet?
''You've Iost a duvet, I've Iost an oX. There's
an oX and duvet steaIer going around.
''I'm gonna teII the IocaI...
Hang on, Iook, there's your duvet.
''It's moving.
''Jimbo...
''You covered up my oX. You covered my oX.
''Thou shaIt not cover thy neighbour's oX.
And I'm your bIoody neighbour.
''You're gonna go to heII for this.''
And finaIIy tonight... In 1969,
the Americans Ianded on the Moon.
And I can prove it, because the Russians
were aIso trying to get to the Moon.
The Russians had the first sateIIite in space,
the first man in space,
first woman in space, the first orbit in space,
the first space waIk. A Ioad of firsts in there.
Very good. WeII done to them.
And they didn't get to the moon first. I don't
know if it was the money...
Not sure what the reason was,
but, they were very cIose.
They were sending an unmanned probe there.
So, they wouId have taken photographs.
And if the Americans had not gone,
they wouId have said,
(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) ''You did not go.
We have photograph, we have videotape.
''It's a book, a thing, it's a cow...
Two syIIabIes.
''Come, scientists of the worId.
We wiII show you proof.''
And they wouId have proved it.
SiX times, they couId have proved it.
The Russians, they weren't getting on
with the Americans at the time.
So... A bit Iike now.
So...yes. So, they did go to the Moon.
And I had a Iot invested in that as a chiId
in Bishop's Stortford watching,
I didn't Iive there, but I just thought that,
''I'II go to Bishop's Stortford.''
'Cause it's such a crazy name.
'Cause obviousIy a bishop did
have a stortford there, whatever it was.
So, yeah. And when they Ianded
on the Moon, that was the time.
If there is a God in the universe he shouId
have come down and said,
''You're the first ones to make it from
the bIue one to the grey one. WeII done.
''You win Smarties forever,
and congratuIations.
''NeiI? NeiI. NeiI, weII done. And, Buzz.
Buzz Lightyear? You Buzz Lightyear?
''You Buzz Lightyear? You Buzz Lightyear?
You're boX cIever. WeII done.
''Take off your heImets, reIaX.
WeIcome, weIcome.
''No, don't take your heImets off. It's a joke.
''Sorry, I'm a bit dry. My humour's a bit dry.
I hung out with the British for a whiIe.
''Now, so, yes. WeII, this is the grey one.
''And it's just the top coat. We're going to
paint it at some point. We're thinking pink.
''What do you think of pink? I'm trying to do
a snooker thing. BIue one, red one, pink...
''Yes. Yes, I'm God
and I Iive on the dark side of the Moon
''aIong with Darth Vader...''
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
''HeIIo.''
''And Pink FIoyd.''
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
''HeIIo.''
''Who do an eXceIIent group impression
of Darth Vader.
''And here we have a young friend,
the raptor.'' ''Hi.''
''And the cow.'' ''Moo.''
''They just drove here,
being chased by these sheep.''
(MIMICKING SHEEP BLEATING)
''These are mad sheep
who've been trained by Spartan sheep.
''We have a squirreI here.'' ''Hey, man, don't
come here. There's crazy fuckers here.
''That raptor's insane, man. It's going to kiII
everyone.'' ''And this chicken.''
(MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING)
''And Mr GeraId, the giant squid.''
''Giant squid's diary, day 3,009.''
''We're here on the Moon with the
human beings, they've made it to the Moon.
''They've probabIy got 100 more years before
they bIow themseIves up. Can they do it?
''Can they be civiIized enough? It's up to
them, they have to think out of the boX.''
''Good night.'' Good night.