1
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WE'VE NEVER MET.
IN FACT, I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU EXIST.
SO WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?
MAYBE YOU'RE HOT.
MAYBE I'M TRYING TO GROW
MY INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS.
MAYBE I JUST NEED VALIDATION
THAT I'M A GOOD GUY,
AND THAT MY SOULMATE
IS STILL OUT THERE.
WHATEVER THE REASON, JUST HOLD
OFF ON YOUR JUDGMENT TILL THE END.
WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE I'LL BLOW YOUR MIND.
SO WHERE DO I START?
UM, I WISH I COULD SAY
IT BEGAN WITH A SWIPE,
BUT IF I'M BEING REAL,
IT BEGAN
WHEN I SAW "EDWARD SCISSORHANDS"
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
SOMETHING ABOUT WINONA RYDER
AND JOHNNY DEPP
JUST ROLE-PLAYING TIM BURTON'S
WET DREAM REALLY SPOKE TO ME.
I BEEN CHASING
THAT ROMANCE EVER SINCE.
HONESTLY, IT'S EXHAUSTING.
SO WHY EVEN TRY?
WELL, DESPITE THE FAC THAT MY CYNICISM GROWS
LIKE TENSIONS WITH NORTH KOREA,
HOPE... HOPE THAT MY PERSON
IS STILL OUT THERE.
DON'T LOSE HOPE JUS BECAUSE YOU'RE ALMOST 30
AND YOU HAVEN'T MET SOMEONE YOU
FEEL COMFORTABLE FARTING AROUND.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I DIDN'T MEAN TO TAKE IT,
OH...
PARDON ME, SIR.
ARE YOU THE HANDSOME GENTLEMAN I
CAME UPON IN MY CELLULAR DEVICE?
YOU ARE SO GOOD-LOOKING,
I JUST HAD TO TALK TO YOU.
I AIN'T NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE,
SO COULD WE TAKE IT REAL SLOW...
OKAY... JUST BE A NORMAL HUMAN
FOR FIVE SECONDS.
OKAY.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[PHONE DINGS]
HI. UM, THIS IS EMMA WARREN,
AND IT IS FRIDAY, UH,
DECEMBER 3RD
AT APPROXIMATELY 4:00 PM.
IF I GET RAPED
AND SERIAL KILLED,
IT WAS PROBABLY
WILLIAM FROM TINDER,
WHOSE LAST NAME IS...
I DON'T KNOW,
UM, BUT YOU CAN FIND I IN MY PHONE UNDER...
- [PHONE DINGS]
- HE... HEY!
HEY!
ARE YOU WRITING ME A TICKET?
YOUR METER'S EXPIRED.
I WAS SITTING IN THE CAR.
YEAH, I SEE YOU IN THERE
PUTTING ON MAKEUP,
BUT THIS ISN'T A GREEN ROOM.
ARE YOU SERIOUS, $68?
- HAVE A GOOD DAY, MISS.
- NO.
THIS... THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
- WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
- MY NAME'S ON THE TICKET.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
YOU NEED TO FILL
YOUR LITTLE QUOTA OR WHATEVER,
BUT THIS IS INSANE.
THIS IS SO BACKWARDS.
IT'S ACTUALLY
VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD.
GOD, WHY DOES EVERY METER MAID
HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE?
YOU KNOW, I'D LEAVE
MY JOB OUT OF THIS,
AND YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S NO BEING VERY NICE RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS?
HOW'S THAT FOR NICE?
BOOM. YEAH.
THIS DOESN'T EVEN NEED MONEY,
MA'AM.
I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.
NOT NICE, HE SAYS.
I'M SO NICE.
WELL, MAYBE IF YOU PUT SOME
MONEY IN YOUR METER
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GOT A TICKET.
LISTEN, IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOU'RE IN THE CAR,
ON THE CAR,
LISTENING TO THE CAR,
PUTTING MAKEUP ON THE CAR,
OR PUTTING MAKEUP ON YOU,
YOU GOTTA PUT MONEY
IN THE METER.
GET SOME HELP!
[MAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
- WILLIAM?
- EMMA?
- HI.
- HEY.
SORRY, I WAS BUSY, UH,
FIGHTING THE MAN.
SO, I THOUGHT THIS PLACE
WAS A CAF.
OH, YEAH, IT'S CAF STYLE,
SO YOU CAN ORDER FOOD
AT THE BAR.
YOU KNOW,
THEY'LL SERVE IT TO YOU.
HEY, COULD I GET ANOTHER ONE?
SO, UH, WHAT DO YA...
WHAT DO YOU WANT HERE?
LIKE FROM THIS DATE OR...?
- OR...
- OH, FOOD.
YEAH, OR DRINKS.
OH, CAN I HAVE A FOOD MENU,
PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
- THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
I WAS WORRIED 'CAUSE YOUR FACE IS
BLOCKED IN MOST OF YOUR PHOTOS.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
THEY'RE ALL IN, LIKE,
SUPER DARK SETTINGS
OR FROM REALLY FAR AWAY,
SO IT'S KINDA TOUGH TO, LIKE,
MAKE OUT YOUR FACE.
MM.
WHY DID YOU SWIPE THEN?
- 'CAUSE I SWIPE ON EVERYONE.
- OH.
YEAH, JUST 'CAUSE YOU MATCH DOESN' MEAN YOU HAVE TO CONVERSATE.
OKAY. THEN WHY ARE WE
CONVERSING?
[CHUCKLES]
YOU SEEM FUN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY ROOMMATE WOULD LOVE YOU.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
I GET A VERY POLYAMOROUS VIBE
FROM YOU.
LIKE A MORMON?
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT'S BLUE CURACAO.
ISN'T THAT A LIQUEUR?
YEAH, I ONLY DRINK LIQUOR.
EXCUSE ME.
CAN I HAVE A, UM,
THE ROASTED BRUSSELS SPROUTS,
AND THE SWEET POTATO FRIES.
- ONLY NORMAL.
- WHAT?
- ONLY NORMAL FRY.
- OKAY.
SASHA.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
SO, UM, WHAT WAS THE LAST THING
YOU WERE IN?
YOU MEAN LIKE ON TINDER?
NO, I MEAN LIKE A TV SHOW
OR SOMETHING.
I DELIVER WEED.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE AN ACTOR.
OH! SOMETIMES.
- MOSTLY I DELIVER WEED.
- OH.
- BUSINESS MUST BE BOOMING.
- [CHUCKLES]
WHAT? IT TAKES LONGER
TO MICROWAVE LEFTOVERS.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WHAT IS, UH, THE MOST ADVENTUROUS
THING YOU'VE EVER DONE?
- [WOMAN] WHAT?
- TELL ME, LIKE,
WHAT THE MOST ADVENTUROUS THING
IS YOU'VE EVER DONE.
OH, GOD, UH, MY FRIENDS INVITED
ME SKYDIVING ONCE,
BUT I CHICKENED OUT.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- WHAT?
DEB. HEY, HEY.
[GIGGLES]
UM, OH!
- YEAH, LET'S HUG.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- YOU SMELL DELIGHTFUL.
- OH!
- THANK YOU.
- UH, YEAH, CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?
YOU SEEM LIKE AN APEROL SPRITZ
KINDA GAL.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
OKAY. HOW REFRESHING.
IT AMAZES ME HOW FEW PEOPLE
WILL EVEN ENTERTAIN THE IDEA.
I MEAN, WHEN AN OPEN
RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART,
- EVERYONE'S QUICK TO BLAME THE OPEN RELATIONSHIP.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
BUT WHEN A COMPLETELY MONOGAMOUS
RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART,
NOBODY EVEN THINKS
TO BLAME THE MONOGAMY.
YEAH, THAT'S
A REALLY GOOD POINT.
IF A RELATIONSHIP'S GONNA
FALL APAR IT'S BECAUSE
OF THE PEOPLE IN IT,
NOT THE CLASSIFICATION.
BUT JUST TO BE CLEAR,
YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
YEAH. HE'S A SMALL DOG TRAINER.
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS SMALL
OR HE TRAINS SMALL DOGS?
BOTH.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
UH, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST LOOKING
TO CONNECT WITH SOMEBODY.
THE APPS ARE GREAT FOR THAT,
BUT UNLESS YOUR EQUATION
ADDS UP PERFECTLY...
YOUR JOB PLUS YOUR HEIGH DIVIDED BY DISTANCE...
THEN IT'S JUST AN INSTANT SWIPE
TO THE NEXT.
- YOU THINK THAT'S HOW GIRLS USE TINDER?
- WHAT?
THAT MOSTLY ONLY GIRLS CARE
ABOUT HEIGHT?
[LAUGHS]
I MEAN, YEAH, I GUESS.
WHAT'S YOUR PERFEC EQUATION THEN?
I JUST KNOW THAT I WANNA MEE SOMEBODY THAT I LIKE.
YOU KNOW? EVER SINCE
I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL
I'VE JUST WANTED TO BE
IN A RELATIONSHIP,
BUT, UH, THE TYPE OF PERSON
I'M LOOKING FOR?
- HOPEFULLY I'M JUST TAKEN BY SURPRISE.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WELL, IT'S LIKE RUINING
THE END OF A MOVIE.
YOU KNOW?
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW
WHAT TYPE OF PERSON YOU WANT,
THEN IT'S NOT MUCH OF A SURPRISE
WHEN YOU GET IT.
- GET WHAT?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK I WANT?
A HAPPY ENDING.
[LAUGHS]
NOT... NOT LIKE A...
HAPPY ENDING, BUT...
HAPPY ENDING LIKE IN...
IN A MOVIE.
JUST DON'T SAY "GET IT."
YOU SOUND POSSESSIVE.
[SIGHS] SO, IS THIS WHERE YOU
TAKE ALL YOUR TINDER DATES?
NO, SOMETIMES WE SIT OVER THERE.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE THIS PLACE.
OH, WE CAN GO TO THE BAR
DOWN THE ROAD.
IT'S FRENCH THEMED.
- ARE YOU DRIVING?
- YEAH, SURE.
I... I VALETED,
I CAN... YEAH.
- CAN I SEE YOUR ID?
- WHAT?
I'M GETTING INTO A STRANGER'S CAR,
I NEED TO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR ID,
AND TEXT IT TO A FRIEND
JUST IN CASE.
IN CASE I KILL YOU?
[LAUGHS]
- HEY.
- I HAD THE WAITRESS GET ANOTHER ROUND.
- OH, NICE.
- MM-HMM.
- IT'S A REALLY COOL PLACE.
- YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THESE, UM, THESE WALLS ARE
ACTUALLY IMPORTED
FROM THE FRENCH QUARTER.
- OH. YEAH.
- NEW ORLEANS. IT'S IN NEW ORLEANS.
I DIG IT.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE OUTSIDE,
BUT WE'RE ACTUALLY INSIDE.
I HAVE A SUITE AT THE CHATEAU
RIGHT NOW.
SMOOTH TRANSITION.
WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S A DOWNGRADE.
I, UH, I WAS AT THE MONDRIAN
LAST NIGHT, BUT...
YEAH. SO WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO?
- YOU INVEST?
- [LAUGHS]
NO. NO.
I, UM, I BUY AND SELL WALLS,
ACTUALLY.
- WALLS?
- YEAH.
- LIKE, LIKE THESE?
- YEAH.
PAR EXEMPLE.
THESE WALLS ACTUALLY CAME
FROM, UH,
A BUILDING IN BOURBON STREET.
AND THANK GOD FOR KATRINA,
'CAUSE I GOT A STELLAR DEAL.
- THEY WERE GONNA TEAR THAT PUPPY DOWN.
- WHOA.
YEAH. SO, THEY'RE... THEY CAME IN
NICE AND WEATHERED.
- WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF WORK.
- YEAH, OH, YEAH.
THAT'S JUST NEVER-ENDING.
I MEAN, THESE PLACES ARE SO HO FOR LIKE A MINNIE,
AND THEN THAT'S IT, YOU KNOW.
IT'S OLD NEWS.
I MEAN, THIS PLACE MAYBE
HAS A MONTH LEFT IN HER.
REALLY? I THOUGHT THIS PLACE
LIKE JUST OPENED.
YEAH, I ACTUALLY HAVE MY...
MY HEART SET ON THIS WALL
IN BEIJING, CHINA.
- MM.
- YEAH.
YOU, UM...
PHOTOGRAPHY.
- YES.
- YOU'RE TRYING TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER.
- YEAH. YEAH.
- YEAH.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- GO AHEAD. NO, YEAH, GO AHEAD.
I'VE ONLY HAD LIKE ONE LEGI PHOTOGRAPHY GIG MY WHOLE LIFE,
AND IT ENDED WITH SALMA HAYEK
THROWING A SHOE AT ME.
[LAUGHS]
SO, MY EX KNOWS SALMA.
THEY KNOW EACH OTHER.
YEAH, TALK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME.
SHE SAYS, "SELMA HAYEK..."
- YEAH? THAT'S COOL.
- YEAH.
- YEAH. YEAH.
- FOR HER.
UM, SHE'S GREAT.
I JUST MEAN, UM... I WAS SAYING
THAT I SHOW UP TO THIS...
THIS BEHIND-THE-SCENES SHOO AND THE HOST HANDS ME HIS PHONE
TO GET SOME INSTAGRAM PICTURES...
WHICH, I MEAN, I GET IT.
IT'S LIKE FRIDA IN THE FLESH,
YOU KNOW.
UM, BUT ANYWAY, SALMA'S TALKING
ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,
AND I KID YOU NOT,
HIS PHONE GOES OFF
WITH NIRVANA'S "RAPE ME"
AS THE RINGTONE.
IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.
I WANTED TO CRAWL
INTO A CORNER AND DIE.
- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.
THANKS.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU
TO GET TO KNOW ME.
I MEAN, I THOUGHT I WAS DOING
THE NICE THING,
BUT TO HER I WAS LIKE THE MOS DISRESPECTFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD.
NICE BUILDING, BY THE WAY.
NICE FOUNTAIN.
I HAD FUN TONIGHT.
YEAH? I... I DID, TOO.
YEAH. MAYBE NEXT TIME
WE CAN DO SOMETHING
THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE ALCOHOL.
[CHUCKLES]
- SOUNDS FANTASTIC.
- YEAH.
GOOD NIGHT, LAUREN.
ADAM.
ON THE SURFACE IT LOOKS LIKE JUS A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SLEEPING AROUND,
BUT OUR LOVE IS JUS AS LEGITIMATE
AS A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP.
IF ANYTHING, WE JUST HAVE
TO COMMUNICATE MORE.
OH, DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE A FAN OF POLYAMORY
BECAUSE IT IMPROVES
COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
NO, IT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY
CHERRIES ON TOP OF A FLAVOR
I SUGGEST EVERYONE TRY.
BUT YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING
JUST ONE FLAVOR.
YOU'RE LOOKING TO DIP YOUR SPOON
INTO A BUNCH OF LITTLE CARTONS
- AND HAVE A TASTE.
- THAT DOES SOUND DELICIOUS.
WELL, DOESN'T MEAN
YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN KNOW
WHAT GOES INTO MAKING ICE CREAM.
AS ABE ROSEN SAID,
YOU'RE JUST A FAN OF THE TERM
"POLYAMORY,"
BECAUSE IT'S LESS JUDGMENTAL
THAN "SLUT."
- WHO THE HELL IS ABE ROSEN?
- I TAKE IT YOU DON'T READ YOUR COMMENTS.
OH, AN INTERNET TROLL?
LOOK, YOU CAN JUDGE ME ALL
YOU WANT FOR USING TINDER
OR BUMBLE OR ANY OF THE APPS
THAT ACTUALLY MAKE DATING FUN
FOR A CHANGE.
BUT IT'S 2018, BABY!
I'M NOT ASHAMED OF CALLING
MYSELF AN EMPOWERED SLUT.
WHAT'S EMPOWERING ABOUT NOT BEING
ABLE TO COMMIT TO ONE PERSON?
SURE, MONOGAMY MIGHT BE
CHALLENGING AT TIMES,
- BUT IT'S ALSO MORE REWARDING.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
SORRY. WORK.
AH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT'S MY MONO MATE, EMMA.
COMING HOME
FROM ANOTHER TINDER ADVENTURE.
EMMA, TELL US,
HOW DID IT GO?
[MIMICS GUNSHOT AND EXPLOSION]
FOR THOSE OF YOU AT HOME
WHO CANNOT SEE,
SHE JUST MIMED BLOWING
HER BRAINS OUT.
EMMA, DOES THAT MEAN
IT WAS EXPLOSIVE?
- NO.
- MM, NOW SHE'S ROLLING HER EYES AT ME AS IF TO SAY,
"CHARLOTTE, I, TOO, DISAPPROVE
OF YOUR LIFESTYLE.
MM, MORE LIKE THAT'S THE LAST TIME
I GET A ROOMMATE ON CRAIGSLIST.
- LOVE YOU, GIRL.
- LOVE YOU.
- SERIOUSLY, HOW'D IT GO?
- NO, I DON'T WANNA INTERRUPT. I HAVE TO LEAVE AGAIN ANYWAY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, STAY.
YOU TWO WOULD HAVE A BLAST.
IT'D BE LIKE
THE MAVENS OF MONOGAMY
VERSUS THE POLY
HOUSE OF PLEASURE.
NO, SOMEONE'S COMPLAINING
ABOUT A LEAK.
- CALL A PLUMBER?
- YOU WANNA PAY FOR IT?
GOOD LUCK.
WELL, DAMN.
NOW I'M IN THE MOOD
FOR ICE CREAM.
[LINE RINGING]
- [LAUREN] HELLO?
- LAUREN.
[LAUREN]
ARE YOU CALLING ME?
SHOULD I NOT HAVE CALLED?
[LAUREN]
IT'S JUST WEIRD.
IT'S WEIRD THAT YOU THINK
IT'S WEIRD.
[LAUREN] LOOK,
I'M SORRY IF I WAS MISLEADING.
I'M JUST NOT LOOKING
FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS.
WHY'D YOU KISS ME THEN?
[LAUREN] I...
IT SEEMED LIKE IT WOULD BE FUN.
SO YOU DON'T WANNA SEE
EACH OTHER AGAIN?
[LAUREN]
NOT RIGHT NOW.
CAN I ASK WHY?
[LAUREN] I'M JUST NO LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP.
NOT WITH ME, YOU MEAN.
[LAUREN]
YOU'RE LIKE A COLLEGE KID.
I MEAN, WHO WEARS A T-SHIR ON A FIRST DATE?
IT'S KINDA HARD
TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.
O-KAY.
- [LAUREN] GOOD LUCK.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
[LINE RINGS]
LEISURE VALLEY.
YOU SOUND LIKE
YOU WERE JUST FIRED.
[WOMAN]
I WISH. NOBODY'S HERE.
I WANNA GO HOME.
CHRISTMAS ISN'T A VERY POPULAR
TIME TO GET SICK.
CHRISTMAS IS THE MOS POPULAR TIME TO GET SICK.
MAYBE GET SICK OF YOUR FAMILY,
NOT CONTRACT A VIRUS.
[WOMAN]
HA.
WELL, WHEN YOU'RE DONE
YOU WANNA GO OUT SOMEWHERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M PROBABLY JUST GONNA GO HOME.
I... I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO CALL.
[WOMAN]
I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 5:30
AND I'M SUPER TIRED AND, YES,
I KNOW I'M BEING LAME.
YOU STILL SEEING
THAT BUMBLE GUY, BEN FRANKLIN?
[WOMAN]
WE BROKE UP.
IS IT BECAUSE HIS NAME
IS BEN FRANKLIN?
[WOMAN]
BECAUSE HE'S SUPER SENSITIVE
AND I'M A CRAZY PERSON.
DID HE HAVE FOUNDING
FATHER ISSUES?
[WOMAN]
HILARIOUS.
WELL, THAT SUCKS.
I'M... I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT. I PROBABLY NEED
A BREAK FROM DATING ANYWAY.
ISN'T YOUR BIRTHDAY COMING UP?
[WOMAN]
THE 23RD.
AS IN LIKE TWO WEEKS?
[WOMAN]
MM-HMM.
I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD DO
SOMETHING BIG.
STEF, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
LET'S DEFINITELY DO SOMETHING BIG.
ACTUALLY, DON'T DO ANYTHING.
I'LL ORGANIZE A RAGER.
[ADAM]
HOW... HOW OLD ARE YOU TURNING?
MM.
- [ADAM] 30?
- YEAH.
[LAUGHS]
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA FIND
A MASSIVE HOUSE IN THE HILLS,
AND... AND WE WILL INVITE
ALL OF THE PEOPLE.
OKAY.
[ADAM] I'LL EVEN
INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND
FDR. HE'S AN ABSOLUTE DIME.
FAYE!
I GOTTA GO.
ALL RIGHT. BYE, STEF.
[LINE RINGS]
[MAN]
YO.
HOLY SHIT,
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- [ADAM] I'M HONESTLY AMAZED THAT YOU ANSWERED.
YEAH, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON THA I KNOW THAT STILL CALLS ANYMORE.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
I'M ON BREAK.
GOTTA WORK ALL NIGHT, THOUGH.
[ADAM]
YOU'RE HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS THINK
I'M HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE?
I'D DO THE SAME
IF IT WERE THAT EASY.
- [GREG] TOUCH.
- YOU GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS?
NAH, I GOTTA WORK.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
I'M A JEW. I HEAR CHRISTMAS
AND I THINK CHICKEN LO MEIN.
OOH.
- [WOMAN] THANK YOU.
- [ADAM] OF COURSE.
HEY, YOU KNOW, MAN,
I GOTTA GET GOING.
THE WORLD NEEDS
MORE MEN LIKE YOU.
AND TINDER NEEDS MORE WOMEN
LIKE YOU.
- WHAT?
- [ADAM] SORRY, I WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE.
OKAY. I'LL CALL YOU BACK
LATER, YEAH?
[ADAM]
AH, LATER.
OKAY.
[PHONE BUZZES]
- HEY.
- HEY.
SO, UH, WHAT'S UP?
I THOUGHT WE WERE MEETING
AT YOUR PLACE.
NO. I TOLD YOU I CAN'T HOST.
I GOT A ROOMMATE
WELL, I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED
IN HOOKING UP IN YOUR CAR, DUDE.
YOU GOT A ROOM?
YEAH, I TOLD YOU.
YOU GOT ROOMMATES THOUGH, RIGHT?
I'VE GOT ONE ROOMMATE WHO'S COME
OUT ONCE IN THE LAST YEAR.
OUT OF HIS ROOM.
YEAH, LISTEN,
I DON'T DO THIS KINDA SHIT.
I GOT A GIRLFRIEND AT HOME,
SO EITHER WE JUST DO I IN THE CAR
- OR WE CAN GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND?
DOES SHE KNOW YOU'RE BI?
I'M NOT BI.
I'M STRAIGHT.
RIGHT. WELL, YOU'RE MEETING UP
WITH A GUY FROM GRINDR,
SO YOU'RE NOT STRAIGHT.
I'M NOT GAY.
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GETTING
AT, I LIKE GIRLS.
WITH GUYS, YOU KNOW,
IT'S JUST PHYSICAL.
CALL IT WHATEVER YOU WANT,
I JUST WISH YOU WOULD'VE
TOLD ME BEFORE I...
YEAH, I DROVE UP
FROM PASADENA FOR THIS,
SO WHO GIVES A SHI WHERE WE DO IT?
I'M NOT HERE TO JUST DO IT,
OKAY?
ESPECIALLY NOT IN THE BACK
OF YOUR VAN.
WE'RE IN THE FRON OF A FORD EXPLORER.
COOL. SORRY.
- [CHUCKLES]
- THIS ISN'T A DATE, BRO.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A DATE.
OKAY? YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'M JUST GONNA...
- CAN YOU LET ME OUT, PLEASE?
- THEN WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?
I DON'T KNOW, JUST NOT THIS.
CAN YOU LET ME OUT?
- FOR REAL?
- YEAH.
I THINK YOU AND I ARE LOOKING
FOR DIFFERENT THINGS, OKAY?
[LAUGHS]
YEAH. WHATEVER.
ASSHOLE!
[WHISPERS]
DICK.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WAIT FOR THE CHANCES
OF LOVE
SPEND EVERY FRIDAY AT HOME
WATCH DAYS GO BY,
BURNING DESIRES
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,
YOU GIVE AND THEY WON'T
WAIT FOR THE CHANCES,
TAKE A YEAR OFF
GIVE THEM MORE ANSWERS
BUT FROM ABOVE
OKAY, YEAH.
YOU TOOK A BATH, YEAH?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
UM... BATH?
ACTUALLY THERE'S A CRACK
IN THE TUB,
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND
TAKING A SHOWER?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
UH, UH, YES, BATH BROKE.
I KNOW. YEAH.
I'M SAYING IF YOU DON'T MIND
TAKING A SHOWER,
IT'LL CAUSE...
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT I'M SAYING, DO YOU?
RIGHT NOW.
I COULD JUST SAY ANYTHING.
NO, SHOWER.
UH, BATH.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
WE TAKE BATH?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES]
NEIGHBOR!
COME, JOIN US.
NO, DIEGO, I'M GOOD.
THANK YOU, THOUGH.
NO, BUT WE HAVE MARGARITAS.
MARGARITAS!
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
- [LAUGHS]
- I'LL BE IN A LITTLE BIT.
[DIEGO]
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WE GOT BEER, TEQUILA, I MEAN...
- BEER IS FINE WITH ME.
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU
THE BEST DRINK EVER.
DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.
- HOW'S IT GOING?
- OH, MIRA. OYE, HOMBRE.
UN FAVOR, VETE PA' FUERA,
CHEQUEA SI LLUEGO EL TRAFICANTE.
PUES, CLARO QUE SI.
MIRA, TOMA, TOMA, TOMA.
YOU KNOW, I GOTTA GET ME
ONE OF THOSE.
VERY SMART, VERY SMART.
I WAS NEVER ONE OF THOSE
NINE-TO-FIVE GUYS, REALLY.
I EARNED EVERYTHING
WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS
AND IT'S ALL MINE.
IT'S IMPRESSIVE.
COULD TOTALLY RENT OU THE ROOMS HERE.
ALL RIGHT, MISSY FOOL,
HERE YOU GO.
GIVE THIS YOUR TRY.
YOU GUYS ARE TOO NICE.
- WHAT IS THIS?
- MM, JUST TRY IT.
[LAUGHS]
- IT'S TEQUILA.
- MM-HMM.
AGAVE MARGARITA.
NOW, I NEED YOU
TO HOLD ON TO THAT,
'CAUSE WE GOT YOU
SOMETHING SPECIAL
JUST FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
BOW!
UH-OH. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING TO ME?
- OH, STOP COMPLAINING.
- [DIEGO SIGHS]
- MERRY CHRISTMAS!
- FELIZ NAVIDAD, MIJITA!
- OH!
- WHOO!
- SO GOOD.
- OH, THAT GAVE ME GOOSEBUMPS.
ALFONSO!
CHANGE THE MUSIC, BRO.
I NEED SOMETHING MORE RED HOT,
RED HOT.
- I GOTTA DANCE. I GOTTA DANCE.
- COME ON. VAMONOS.
[HUMMING]
WHO'S ADAM?
OH, HE'S JUST THIS GUY
FROM TINDER.
[GASPS]
INVITE HIM, INVITE HIM.
YOU KNOW, I WAS NEVER SINGLE
DURING THAT WHOLE ENTIRE, LIKE,
ONLINE DATING THING.
HE JUST HAD A FACEBOOK FLING.
- UH.
- YEAH, AN OLD HIGH SCHOOL FLAME TRIED
TO RECONNECT WITH HIM
ON FACEBOOK.
WHAT... WHAT DID SHE SAY TO YOU,
BABY?
SOMETHING LIKE, "HEY, D,
REMEMBER THOSE STEAMY NIGHTS
IN THE BACK OF YOUR TRANS AM?"
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
SHE'S MARRIED NOW
AND SHE'S JUST A MEMORY.
AND SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU.
SHE WAS... NOT...
NOT HOW I INTERPRETED IT.
NO, AND BESIDES,
I TOLD HER, I SAID,
"HEY, NO, LOOK.
YOU KNOW, I AM MARRIED
TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD."
AWW. I DON'T THINK YOU GUYS WAN SOME TINDER RANDO ROAMING
AROUND YOUR HOUSE.
HEY, POR QU NO?
IF HE'S A CREEPER...
- I'M GONNA KNOCK HIS TEETH OUT.
- [LAUGHS]
WELL, LET ME SEE
WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
- OOH, ME, TOO.
- HE'S CUTE, RIGHT?
HEY, WHAT'S...
WAIT, WHAT'S HE POINTING AT?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S A FILMMAKER,
SO I THINK HE'S, LIKE,
WORKING OR SOMETHING.
YEAH? HE'S FAIR-SKINNED.
- SO?
- I'M FAIR-SKINNED.
WHY'S HE SO SKINNY?
HEY, BABY, COMPARED TO THESE,
EVERYONE'S SKINNY.
YOUR NIPPLES?
OH, HE... HE MESSAGED YOU.
"DOES IT MATTER
THAT I'M JEWISH?"
WHY WOULD HE ASK IF IT MATTERS
IF HE'S JEWISH?
'CAUSE I SAID
I'M AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY.
OH, SO YOU ALREADY
INVITED HIM, THEN.
- OOH!
- AYE!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
HE'S COMING, OKAY.
HE SAID HE'S COMING.
- HE'S COMING, OKAY? HE'S COMING.
- OKAY, OKAY.
[ALL CHEERING]
THIS REMINDS ME OF, UH,
SHAVING MY LEGS.
UH, WHICH I ACTUALLY
DON'T DO ANYMORE,
UH, BECAUSE FEMINISM.
UH, NOW, IF YOU'RE...
ALL RIGHTY, THAT DOES IT.
[GASPS]
OOPSIES!
ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
- HOW NEEDS ASPARAGUS?
- WHO NEEDS IT?
- WE COULD DO WITHOUT IT.
- YEAH.
YEAH, I DON'T NEED IT.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
JUST GONNA MAKE A LITTLE MOVE
OVER HERE.
[WOMAN]
CAREFUL, I'M HEAVY.
NO, YOU'RE LIGHT AS A BIRD.
THIN AS A MACBOOK.
[WOMAN LAUGHS]
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
- [DINGS]
- HELLO.
HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU
HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE?
YES.
BUT I LIKE HEARING IT.
YOUR TURN.
TO THE MOST MAGICAL
THREE MONTHS OF MY LIFE,
AND TO STARTING A NEW CHAPTER
IN L.A. IN...
OH, MY GOSH!
IN JUST THREE WEEKS?
LOOK. MY HAND.
IT'S TREMBLING AT THE THOUGH OF YOU BEING HERE.
I CAN'T WAIT TO BE THERE
WITH YOU.
I FEEL LIKE I WAS BORN HERE
BY ACCIDENT.
OH. WELL, I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS
LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.
OH.
NO. I DON'T MEAN
I'M AN ACCIDENT.
IT WAS JUST A JOKE ABOUT HOW NO
ONE LIVES IN WISCONSIN ON PURPOSE.
I SEE.
THAT'S FUNNY.
- CHEERS.
- CHEERS.
SMELLS LIKE A SENIOR CENTER
IN HERE.
ADAM JUST WALKED IN.
[WOMAN]
HI, ADAM!
SORRY.
HEY! HEY, SOPHIE!
- [LAUGHS]
- YOU GUYS ARE SERIOUSLY ADORABLE.
[PHONE DINGS]
SON OF A BITCH.
THIS KEEPS HAPPENING.
EVERY TIME I SAY A WORD
WITH SIRI IN IT,
MY PHONE THINKS
I'M TALKING TO IT.
HEY, LOOK. I'M SERIOUS.
I'M SERIOUS.
SERIAL KILLER.
I WANT A BOWL OF CEREAL.
- SIRI!
- THERE'S A SETTING FOR THAT, MAN.
IT'S NOT EVEN WORKING NOW.
WHERE?
I'LL SHOW YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT.
UH, WELL, REAL QUICK.
MY 5-4 PACKAGE HASN'T COME YET.
CAN I BORROW A JACKET?
MAYBE A SWAB OR TWO
OF DEODORANT?
- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DEODORANT?
- I GOT THE GEL KIND.
IT'S LIKE SLIMY AND GROSS.
I JUST... I HATE IT.
YEAH, OKAY.
UH, JUST NOTHING LEF - OF THE SWEATER VEST, PLEASE.
- BLESS YOU, DAVE.
- BYE, SOPHIE.
- [SOPHIE] BYE, ADAM.
WHERE WERE WE?
UH, DAVEY, MY COMPUTER'S DYING,
AND I LEFT MY CHARGER AT WORK.
LET'S TALK TOMORROW?
OH, OKAY.
UM, WHAT ABOUT DINNER?
I'M SORRY.
I WANNA FINISH,
BUT I'M AT ONE PERCENT.
I'LL TEXT YOU FROM THE OFFICE.
SURE. YEAH.
UH, LET'S DO THAT.
UH, SLEEP TIGHT.
UH, SLEEP WELL.
SUGARPLUM?
I LOVE YOU.
OKAY.
OKAY.
- TALK TOMORROW.
- YEAH, TALK TOMORROW.
TALK TO YOU... WE'LL...
WE'LL TALK.
GOOD NIGHT.
- BYE.
- [SOPHIE] BYE.
I SAID NOTHING LEF OF THE SWEATER VEST, ADAM.
- WHAT ARE YOU...
- I'LL REPLACE IT, IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO IT.
I LOVE THIS JACKET.
MINUS THE RATTLING NOISE.
I DON'T WANNA MISLEAD
ANY HOMELESS PEOPLE.
YOU OKAY?
I HEARD THE END.
OF YOUR CONVERSATION,
HOPEFULLY NOT THE RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT IS ON MY JACKET?
OH, IT'S PROBABLY
JUST DEODORANT.
HOW'D YOU GET DEODORAN ON THAT PART OF THE JACKET?
I'LL JUST GRAB ANOTHER ONE.
THIS IS A RANDOM THOUGHT,
BUT WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST CALL YOU
FROM HER CELL PHONE?
THANK YOU.
HEY! I THINK I'M HERE,
BUT THERE'S... THERE'S POLICE
ON THE FRONT PORCH
AND IT SEEMS LIKE THE PARTY'S
BEING SHUT DOWN.
- YO! HEY.
- EMMA, HEY.
SORRY, IT JUST ENDED
LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO.
OH, NO. TERRIBLE TIMING. SORRY.
- NO, THANKS FOR COMING.
- OH, OF COURSE, YEAH.
YOU'RE... YOU...
YOU'RE VERY PRETTY.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE QUITE HANDSOME.
OH, YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.
WE SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE ELSE
'CAUSE I'M LIKE STILL IN THE ZONE.
YOU'RE IN THE ZONE, YEAH.
WHERE SHOULD WE GO?
- MM.
- GECKOS, AND YOU'RE BOTH COMING.
DO YOU KNOW THEM?
REALLY KNOW SOMEBODY?
- I DON'T KNOW, LET'S JUST GO.
- YEAH. OKAY.
[SINGING]
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA SE
NECESSITA UNA POCA DE GRACIA.
YEAH! GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS,
YOU CAN DRINK
AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.
JUST, UH, BE SURE TO LEAVE
MY UNCLE A HEALTHY TIP, HUH?
- OF COURSE.
- HEY!
A LITTLE, UH, JUNGLE JUICE.
THANK YOU.
OH, OH, TODAY IS MY UNCLE'S
40TH ANNIVERSARY
WITH HIS LOVELY WIFE,
MY TIA MARIA,
THAT BEAUTIFUL LADY SITTING
OVER THERE.
HOLA, TIA!
- [ADAM] HEY.
- [EMMA] HI.
HEY, CHEERS.
CHEERS!
HEY.
[CLEARS THROAT]
IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR SOME PERICO,
JUST HOLLER AT ME QUIETLY, HUH?
I DON'T WANT MY TIA TO HEAR.
- I'M OKAY.
- I THINK WE'RE GOOD.
- THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY GENEROUS.
- THANKS.
[EMMA]
I DO ALL THE MAINTENANCE,
SO IF THERE'S LIKE A PROBLEM
WITH THE HEATER, I FIX IT.
IF THERE'S A LEAK, I FIX IT.
SO YOU'RE LIKE THERE
EVERY DAY TAKING NAMES.
- YES.
- AH, THAT'S IMPORTANT.
YEAH. DO YOU, UH...
DO YOU LIVE THERE, TOO?
NO. I LIVE IN LOS FELIZ,
BUT THE HOUSE I MANAGE IS NEX DOOR TO CARLA AND DIEGO'S.
THEY'RE GREAT, BY THE WAY.
- THEY ARE.
- YEAH.
I HATE GOING THERE ALONE,
THOUGH.
THERE'S ALWAYS SOME SOR OF DEBAUCHERY GOING ON.
- AS YOU CAN SEE.
- NO, SCREW YOU!
- YOU DIDN'T EVEN INVITE ME ANYWAYS.
- IT'S A BAR.
I CAN'T STOP YOU
FROM SHOWING UP.
- SAY THEIR NAMES AND THEY APPEAR.
- HI, GUYS.
- MMM!
- AH, MY CHILDREN.
- QU PASO?
- HEY.
SO, WHO'S NEXT?
- FOR WHAT?
- SINGING
- OH, NO, THAT'S NOT ME.
- NO. YOU GUYS DOING IT?
DON'T STOP THAT FEELING.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU POINTING
AT ME FOR? NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
- IT'S GO TIME.
- NO, NO, NO, NO.
[CHANTING]
ADAM.
[CARLA]
YES!
YES!
COCKROACH, C-C-COCKROACH
ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO DANCE
SHE DOESN'T MIND THA HER LEG IS MISSING
SHE WOULD NEVER MISS
A CHANCE
IN THE HOUSE,
NOBODY WANTS HER
SO THEY HUNT HER
THROUGH THE BACK DOOR
NOW SHE GOES
AFTER THE CRUISING...
[ADAM]
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHERE YOU MEET SOMEBODY.
TINDER'S JUST ONE
OF A MILLION PLATFORMS.
[EMMA] HAVEN'T YOU WONDERED
IF THESE DATING APPS
ATTRACT A CERTAIN TYPE
OF PERSON?
LIKE PEOPLE
WHO JUST WANT HOOKUPS
OR WEIRDOS CATFISHING
FROM THEIR MOM'S BASEMENTS?
[ADAM]
I THINK I'M A PRETTY NORMAL GUY
AND I CAN'T MEET ANYBODY
ANYWHERE.
[EMMA]
SO YOU THINK YOU'RE NORMAL, HUH?
[ADAM]
WELL, MY MOM SEEMS TO THINK SO.
THEN AGAIN I HAVE BEEN OUT HERE
FOR SEVEN YEARS,
AND, I DON'T KNOW, ANY TIME
I SEEM TO LIKE SOMEBODY
THEY NEVER LIKE ME BACK.
REALLY?
I COULD BUILD A COLLAGE
OF ALL THE REJECTION TEXTS
- THAT I'VE EVER RECEIVED.
- GOD, THAT SURPRISES ME.
IT DOES.
NO, I'VE TRIED 'EM ALL, TOO.
LIKE BUMBLE, OKCUPID, JDATE,
JSWIPE, EVEN CHRISTIAN MINGLE
TO TRY MY HAND AT THE SHIKSAS.
WAIT, WHAT ARE SHIKSAS?
UH, THEY'RE, UH, ACCORDING
TO MY GRANDPA, PRACTICE.
NEVER MIND.
[BOTH LAUGH]
IS THIS SEXY THAT I'M TELLING
YOU ALL THIS?
- I... YOU'RE DOING PRETTY GREAT SO FAR.
- IS THIS SMOOTH?
GUYS ARE LIKE THE BALL
IN A PINBALL MACHINE,
AND GIRLS ARE LIKE
THE LITTLE FLIPPER,
PUSHING THEM
IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
OKAY, GUYS AND GIRLS
SHOULD PUSH EACH OTHER.
WE SHOULD BE EQUALLY SUPPORTIVE.
YEAH, BUT GUYS ARE
ONE-DIMENSIONAL.
YOU CAN'T BLAME THEM
FOR ONLY WANTING ONE THING,
JUST LIKE YOU CAN'T BLAME THE
BALL FOR GOING TOWARD THE DRAIN.
YOU MEAN THE HOLE.
GUYS ARE LIKE BALLS
AND GIRLS ARE LIKE THE HOLE.
I'M ACTUALLY SHOOTING
A MUSIC VIDEO TOMORROW.
TOMORROW?
- MM-HMM.
- YOU'RE OUT DRINKING?
IT'S A NIGHT SHOOT,
SO I CAN SLEEP IN.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
IT'S ABOUT THIS ELDERLY COUPLE
THAT HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE.
ONE DAY THE HUSBAND GOES
TO AN ANTIQUE SHOP
AND FINDS THIS LAMP.
- LAMP?
- LAMP, YEAH.
LIKE A THING THAT EMITS LIGHT.
I KNOW WHAT A LAMP IS.
THANK YOU.
HEY, I'M NOT JUDGING. I JUST FOUND
OUT WHAT A DUVET IS YESTERDAY.
SO, ANYWAY, HE, UH,
THAT NIGHT, FLIPS THE LAMP ON,
AND WHAT DOES HE SEE?
HIS WIFE IS THE SAME AGE
AS THE DAY THAT THEY FIRST MET.
SO HE RUNS TO THE MIRROR AND
HE, TOO, IS 50 YEARS YOUNGER.
IT TRANSFORMED WHEREVER
THE LAMP CAST ITS LIGHT.
THEY FALL BACK IN LOVE
UNTIL THE END WHEN THE BULB
GOES OUT AND THEN THEY DIE.
WHAT?
I'M JUST JOKING.
THEY JUST REMEMBER WHY THEY FELL
IN LOVE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
THAT'S SO CUTE.
I LIKE THAT.
[ADAM] THE LAMP'S LIKE
A METAPHOR FOR LOVE,
THE LOVE THAT WAS LOST IN THE
DARKNESS IS FOUND IN THE LIGHT.
- PROFOUND.
- MM. YOU SHOULD COME.
BRING YOUR CAMERA,
BE OUR ON-SET PHOTOGRAPHER.
- [EMMA] OKAY.
- [ADAM] YEAH?
[EMMA]
YEAH.
[ADAM]
SO I GET TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.
[EMMA]
CAN'T WAIT.
[ADAM] OKAY, SO WE COVERED
DATING, WE COVERED WORK.
TELL ME...
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.
[EMMA]
UGH. YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW?
[ADAM] WELL,
NOW YOU'VE PIQUED MY INTEREST, YEAH.
[EMMA]
OKAY. MY GRANDMA WAS AMAZING.
I ACTUALLY LIVED WITH HER
FOR, LIKE, PART OF MY CHILDHOOD.
MY PARENTS WERE GREAT.
THEY'RE REALLY,
REALLY GREAT HUMANS,
BUT THEY CHEATED ON EACH OTHER
A BUNCH.
I HAVE THIS, LIKE, MEMORY OF BEING
IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY MOM'S CAR
WHILE WE STAKED OU THE OTHER WOMAN'S HOUSE,
JUST, LIKE, WAITING
FOR MY DAD TO COME OUT,
AND HE DID AND IT JUST GO SUPER CRAZY AND MESSY.
AND THEN SHE CHEATED ON HIM
TOWARDS THE END OF THEIR MARRIAGE,
JUST LIKE ONE LAST JAB AT HIM.
- THAT SOUNDS INTENSE.
- YEAH,
NOT THE FINEST HOUR
IN WARREN FAMILY HISTORY.
BUT THEY'RE FINE NOW.
I MEAN, SEPARATELY.
AND I WENT TO LIVE
WITH MY GRANDMA IN CONNECTICU FOR A WHILE AFTER THAT,
WHICH WAS PROBABLY THE BES DECISION I EVER MADE.
WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?
I'M SORRY.
I'M PROBABLY BEING, LIKE,
WAY MORE OPEN THAN I SHOULD.
NO, NO, NO. NOT AT...
NOT AT ALL.
I'M... I'M IMPRESSED.
YOUR GRANDMA DID A GREAT JOB
RAISING YOU.
SHE'S LIKE MRS. DOUBTFIRE,
ONLY AN ACTUAL WOMAN AND
NOT YOUR DAD DRESSED IN DRAG.
THAT'D BE DISTURBING.
AND QUITE PROGRESSIVE.
TRULY AHEAD OF ITS TIME,
THAT MOVIE.
- [EMMA] IT WAS.
- [ADAM] MM.
YEAH, I'M... I'M REALLY SURPRISED
YOU CALLED ME.
- WHEN?
- EARLIER TONIGHT,
BEFORE WE MET YOU CALLED.
WOULD YOU HAVE PREFERRED
I TEXTED?
NO. I LOVED IT.
IT WAS, LIKE, VERY SWEE AND GENTLEMANLY.
[ADAM] WELL,
I'M GLAD THAT YOU APPRECIATED IT.
THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT CALL ME
ARE MY PARENTS
OR THOSE AUTOMATED MESSAGES
SAYING I'VE BEEN APPROVED
FOR A $20,000 LOAN.
[EMMA]
WE SHOULD MAKE A DEAL
THAT ALL FUTURE FORMS OF
COMMUNICATION, PHONE CALL ONLY.
[ADAM]
I'LL ONE UP YOU.
HOW ABOUT ALL FUTURE FORMS
OF COMMUNICATING
MUST BE DONE IN PERSON?
THAT'D MEAN WE'D HAVE
TO SEE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.
OKAY, SO YOU DIDN'T LET ME
FINISH.
UNLESS WE'RE MAKING PLANS
TO SEE EACH OTHER,
AT WHICH POINT,
YOU KNOW, A PHONE CALL
OR A HANDWRITTEN NOTE WILL DO.
[EMMA]
OKAY, IT'S A DEAL.
- [ADAM] SHAKE ON IT?
- [EMMA] YEAH.
[EMMA]
IT'S OFFICIAL.
[GLASS BREAKING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SO YOU TOLD HER YOU LOVE HER
AND SHE DIDN'T SAY IT BACK,
AND NOW YOU'RE WATCHING MY VIDEO BECAUSE
YOU THINK IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
I'M SORRY FOR YOU, BUDDY, YOU KNOW,
BUT I SPEAK THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH HURTS.
FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S A VERY GOOD
CHANCE SHE DIDN'T LOVE YOU AT ALL.
SHE WAS JUST TRYING
TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS.
EVERYBODY WANTS CONNECTION
WITHOUT THE CONVERSATION.
SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR ANSWERS,
I SUGGEST YOU REMOVE
THE SUPER GLUE
BONDING YOUR TESTICLES
TO YOUR EGO,
START ASKING SOME
FUCKING QUESTIONS.
SECONDLY, I THINK...
LISTEN TO THIS.
"SO SORRY. I COULDN'T SLEEP.
HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH YOU."
SMILEY FACE.
"EMMA. P.S., REALLY SORRY
ABOUT THE LAMP.
LET ME KNOW
HOW I CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU."
THAT EXPLAINS THE MESS.
- DID YOU LEAVE MONEY FOR IT?
- NO.
WAIT, SHOULD I HAVE?
DID SHE REALIZE THAT WAS A PROP
FOR YOUR SHOOT TODAY?
IT'S NOT EVEN THE LAMP
THAT I'M UPSET ABOUT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE FACT THA WE HAD THIS GREAT NIGHT OUT,
FOLLOWED BY A REALLY
GREAT NIGHT IN,
AND THEN SHE'S TAKEN OFF
AS IF IT WERE A ONE-NIGHT STAND.
- MAYBE IT WAS.
- IT WASN'T.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- SHOULD I CALL HER?
IF I WERE YOU, YEAH.
LOOK, THE EARLY MORNING DIP OU IS NOT BENEATH ME,
BUT I AM VERY AWARE THAT SOME
PEOPLE ARE NOT COOL WITH IT.
STOP BITING YOUR CUTICLES.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
IF HE ACTUALLY LIKES ME,
HE'S GONNA REACH OUT, RIGHT?
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN.
- IF TINDER EXISTED
WHEN YOUR GRANDPARENTS MET, YOU'D
PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE RIGHT NOW.
MY GRANDMA WOULD'VE JUST SNUCK
OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH AND FOUND SOME OTHER SCHMUCK
FIVE MILES AWAY.
WHY YOU BRINGING
MY GRANDPARENTS INTO THIS?
BECAUSE, DAVE, THEY HAD IT EASY.
ALL RIGHT,
GHOSTING SOMEBODY IN 1940
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- JUST MEANT MOVING TO A DIFFERENT AREA CODE.
- WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS.
- I GOT YOUR TEXT.
I'M SORRY, THE ANSWER IS NO.
[SIGHS] WELL,
DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH A LAMP?
- ANYONE AT ALL?
- NOT THE KIND YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
AND, HONESTLY, IF I WERE YOU,
I'D HAVE THIS CHICK PAY FOR IT.
[ADAM]
RIGHT. WANNA HELP OUT TONIGHT?
IF THIS GIRL ACTUALLY ENDS UP
COMING, I WANT YOU TO MEET HER.
NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE NOT GONNA
SASHAY ME AROUND
SO I COULD PLAY THE PAR OF YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND.
[ADAM] NOBODY WOULD EVER SUSPEC YOU OF BEING MY BEST FRIEND.
YEAH, THAT'S FAIR.
I GOTTA WORK, THOUGH.
IS THIS WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP
HAS BECOME,
- JUST A SERIES OF EXCUSES?
- SORRY, MAN, I'M BUSY.
YES, 'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY
MEETING UP WITH DUDES ON GRINDR.
ACTUALLY, THAT PAR TAKES FIVE MINUTES.
- I'M TALKING ABOUT WORK.
- [ADAM] YOU SHOULD JUST FIND A SUGAR DADDY.
WHY DON'T YOU FIND
A SUGAR DADDY?
- [ADAM] EH...
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GET BACK
TO WORK.
- [ADAM] ALL RIGHT, LATER.
- I'LL TALK TO YOU.
YOU SERIOUS?
I GUESS YOU'RE FROM HOLLYWOOD.
[WOMAN]
DID HE BRING THE DRINKS?
- JUST GET OUTTA HERE.
- RELAX.
IT'S NOT LIKE
SHE'S GONNA SUSPEC YOU'RE BANGING THE PIZZA
DELIVERY BOY.
I'M SERIOUS.
IF YOU COME BACK HERE AGAIN,
I'M GONNA THROW YOU OFF
THIS GODDAMN BALCONY.
- THAT'S FUNNY TO YOU?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
NO, SORRY, JUST NERVES.
JUST GET ME A NEW ONE.
SEND SOMEBODY ELSE.
[ADAM] I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M GETTING
SO INSIDE MY HEAD ABOUT THIS.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GOOGLE IT.
I GOOGLE ALL MY PROBLEMS.
YOU'VE BEEN IN A THREE-MONTH
RELATIONSHIP
ON FACETIME
WITH A GIRL YOU MET ONCE.
THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
THAT'S A MODERN-DAY FAIRYTALE.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU FELL IN LOVE
LAST NIGHT.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- [PHONE DINGS]
I MEAN, I LIKE HER BUT GIVEN
MY TRACK RECORD OF REJECTION,
SHE'LL PROBABLY JUST IGNORE ME.
FOR ALL I KNOW
IT WAS A ONE-NIGHT STAND
AND NOW I'M DRIVING MYSELF
ABSOLUTELY NUTS
JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OU IF I SHOULD CALL.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TEXT HER.
- TEXT EMMA? NO, WE GOT THIS...
- [CELL PHONE] TEXTING EMMA.
NO.
NO! NO!
YOU KNOW, IF YOUR FINGERS
ARE FEELING IDLE,
YOU COULD TEXT THAT BEEFCAKE
FROM YESTERDAY.
WHO, WILLIAM? NO.
IF YOU WON'T, I WILL.
BESIDES, YOU DID SAY
THAT HE REMINDED YOU OF...
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- OH WAIT, HE TEXTED ME.
WHO, BEEFCAKE?
"I MEAN, I WIPE HER BUTT GIVEN
MY TRACK RECORD OF REJECTION.
SHE'LL PROBABLY JUST..."
OH, HE'S CALLING ME NOW. WHAT?
- HELLO?
- [ADAM] HEY.
- DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
- [EMMA] I DID.
I, UH... I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW.
AH, I WAS JUST... IT'S LIKE PAR OF AN OP-ED PIECE ABOUT MODERN...
IT'S... IT'S STUPID.
JUST IGNORE IT.
IS IT ABOUT US OR...?
UM, NO, JUST, LIKE,
MY EXPERIENCES
WITH DATING IN GENERAL.
ANYWAY, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE WEIRDER
NOT TO CALL YOU AT THIS POINT.
NO, I'M... I'M GLAD THAT YOU DID.
I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE LAMP.
I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE MORE
PERSONAL TO LEAVE A HANDWRITTEN NOTE
INSTEAD OF A TEXT.
YEAH, YOU DID THE BES YOU COULD.
I'LL BUY YOU A NEW ONE.
OR I CAN, LIKE, GIVE YOU A GIF CARD TO WEST ELM OR SOMETHING.
[ADAM]
IT'S... IT'S COOL.
UH, YOU STILL WANNA HELP
WITH THE SHOOT TONIGHT?
[EMMA]
YEAH, I DO.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING,
BY THE WAY.
YEAH, THAT'S HOW I DO.
ANYWAY, I'LL TALK
TO YOU LATER, OKAY?
- [EMMA] BYE.
- BYE.
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
I AM SEEING HIM TONIGHT.
OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?
ONE LITTLE PHONE CHAT AND
EVERYTHING'S ALL CLEARED UP.
IT WAS NICE OF HIM TO CALL,
THOUGH.
IT WAS, WASN'T IT?
YOU KNOW, I'M HAVING THIS GUES ON TOMORROW NIGH THAT CAN'T STOP SOCIAL MEDIA
STALKING ONE OF HER BOYFRIENDS.
- ONE OF?
- IF SHE WOULD JUST PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL,
SHE'D PROBABLY
GET MUCH BETTER ANSWERS
THAN SURMISING HIS EVERY MOVE
OFF OF INSTAGRAM PICS.
SPEAKING OF, WHICH ONE OF YOUR MANY
LOVERS ARE YOU STALKING RIGHT NOW?
NONE.
THERE'S THIS ONE GUY,
ABRAHAM ROSEN.
HE KEEPS TROLLING MY WEBSITE.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE
ABOUT INTERNET TROLLS?
AND HE HAS LUNCH
AT THE SAME SPOT EVERY DAY,
- THIS ARMENIAN SPOT UP THE WAY.
- SO?
HE SAID THAT HE WANTED
TO REPORT MY PODCAS TO THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH SO
THEY COULD CLASSIFY IT AS AN STD.
[WHISPERS]
DAMN.
SO THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE JUS LIKE EVERY OTHER NIGHT.
OKAY? YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN
MARRIED FOR 50 YEARS,
AND ALL THE LOVE AND THE PASSION
THAT WAS ONCE THERE IS GONE.
SO PRETEND HE'S MY REAL HUSBAND.
- EXACTLY. YEAH.
- I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM, OKAY?
- YEAH, PLEASE. YOU?
- NO.
- WATER?
- OH, NO, NO.
THANK YOU.
SO MY FRIEND SHOULD BE HERE ANY
SECOND WITH THE REPLACEMENT LAMP,
- AND THEN WE'LL RUN A REHEARSAL.
- OKAY.
YOU WANT ME TO BE READING, TOO,
OR SHOULD I BE TRYING TO SLEEP
AND HE'S WAKING ME UP
WITH HIS FAKAKTA LAMP?
UH, I THINK YOU SHOULD
BE READING, TOO.
YEAH, IT'S LIKE A ROUTINE, ONLY
TONIGHT DOESN'T GO AS PLANNED.
- GOTCHA!
- STEF, YOU'RE A LIFE SAVER.
WHY DON'T WE TAKE JUS LIKE A 30-MINUTE BREAK
AND THEN WE'LL PICK UP
WHERE WE LEFT OFF?
- SURE.
- ALL RIGHT.
30 MINUTES!
- HI!
- THIS IS AMAZING. THANK YOU.
JUST BE CAREFUL WITH HER,
MY AUNT GAVE HER TO ME.
I WILL TREAT HER LIKE
SHE IS MY ONLY CHILD.
UM, THIS IS...
THIS IS EMMA, BY THE WAY,
OUR AMAZING ON-SET PHOTOGRAPHER.
IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M THE ONE WHO BROKE THE LAMP.
SO, THE BROKEN LAMP CULPRIT.
IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO THIS...
THEN I WILL PAY YOU AND YOUR AUN THREE TIMES WHAT IT IS WORTH.
NO, I THINK THEN YOU'LL MAKE
MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
- THREE TIMES MORE FUN.
- IF YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY
ISN'T LIKE MAXIMUM FUN THEN
I HAVE FAILED YOU AS A FRIEND.
I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO COME.
I'M ALREADY COMPETING
WITH CHRISTMAS, NEW YEAR'S.
- WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
- A LITTLE NITRO BREW.
- CAN I TRY SOME?
- I'M SEEING FRANCIS LATER IF YOU WANNA COME.
MM. HOW MUCH?
NOTHING.
MY CO-WORKER HAS TO WORK LATE.
SHE JUST GAVE ME THE TICKETS.
I'M SO DOWN.
I'M GONNA BUY YOU A T-SHIR THIS TIME.
UM, DO YOU HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET?
SHE ONLY GAVE ME TWO,
BUT I'M SURE YOU COULD FIND
A TICKET ON CRAIGSLIST,
- IF YOU WANNA COME.
- YEAH, OR I'LL JUST GIVE YOU MY TICKE AND THEN I'LL BUY ONE
FROM LIKE A SCALPER OUTSIDE.
OH, THAT'S OKAY. I ACTUALLY HAVE
PLANS WITH MY ROOMMATE TONIGHT,
AND I CAN'T REALLY DITCH HER.
SO...
YOU ALREADY HAVE PLANS?
YEAH.
BUT YOU GUYS GO TO THE CONCER AND HAVE FUN.
WE'LL JUST DO SOMETHING
LATER THIS WEEK.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- [P.A.] WHOSE BAG IS THIS?
THIS IS A HOT SET.
WE GOTTA KEEP THIS WHOLE AREA CLEAR.
THAT'S... THAT'S MINE.
I'M SORRY.
- JUST KEEP IT TO THE SIDE.
- HEY, THIS LOOKS REALLY LEGIT.
I KNOW, I'M THE NEX SPIKE JONZE.
- CAN I HAVE A SIP?
- OH, OF COURSE.
- YOU GOT A LITTLE... IT BECOMES YOU.
- A LITTLE SOMETHING?
- YEAH.
- OH, WHOA, WHOA!
- NOT FUNNY.
- I'M JUST JOKING.
I'LL BE THE ONE TO CALL
YOUR AUNT WHEN I BREAK A LAMP.
OH, I LOOK FORWARD
TO THAT PHONE CALL.
OH, I'M READY, I'M READY
GOT TO MAKE SURE
EVERYBODY WANTS
TO UNDERSTAND
GO STEADY, GO STEADY
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY
WHEN THINGS ARE GOING RIGHT
I FEEL SCARED TONIGHT
I'M VERY LONELY,
I'M TIRED
WAITING ON YOU
I TURN OFF THE LIGHTS
SOMEBODY'S WATCHING,
YOU KNOW THEM
COMING FOR YOU
HELLO.
OUT OF BREATH ALREADY, MATE?
STAIRS ARE A HIKE.
[CHUCKLES]
IT'S A REALLY NICE PLACE
YOU HAVE.
YEAH, IT'S MY OWN
PRIVATE HAKKASAN.
EVERYONE DRINKS FREE.
SPEAKING OF,
YOU WANT A DRINK?
UH, YEAH, SURE.
YOU GOT ROOMMATES?
YEAH, ONE.
HE'S CRASHING HERE WHILE
HIS OWN PLACE GETS RENOVATED.
- DON'T WORRY, HE'S COOL.
- THANKS.
SO, I TAKE IT YOU'RE
AUSTRALIAN?
YOU TOOK IT CORRECTLY.
AMERICAN?
NATIVE.
WELL, NOT NATIVE AMERICAN...
ALTHOUGH MY MOM SAYS SHE'S
PART NATIVE AMERICAN CHEROKEE...
OR, I DON'T KNOW...
LET'S GO TO MY ROOM.
UH, DOOR OPEN, CLOSED?
YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
I GOTTA SAY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY
HOTTER IN PERSON.
SUCKS YOU DON'T LIVE HERE
YEAR ROUND.
YEAH, WELL, I'M HERE OFTEN.
JUST KIND OF DEPENDS
ON WORK.
OH, YEAH, WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR A LIVING?
I AM A DIALECT COACH.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HELPING
SHIA LABEOUF
PREPARE FOR HIS ROLE
AS AN AUSSIE HYPOCHONDRIAC.
- WHAT IS THAT LIKE?
- SAME AS AMERICAN HYPOCHONDRIAC.
NO, I MEAN, WORKING FOR SHIA.
I HEARD HE CAN BE
KIND OF DIFFICULT.
HE'S A MACHINE.
LOOK AT WHAT HE DID TO ME.
- WHAT? WHOA.
- YEAH.
WE WERE JUST ROUGHIN' I A BIT.
A LITTLE PLAYFUL.
OKAY, YOU LIKE IT ROUGH.
WELL, I'D BE LYING
IF I SAID
I WASN' A LITTLE TURNED ON.
I THINK I WOULD BE, TOO.
OKAY, I CAN'T KEEP THIS UP.
I'M ACTUALLY FROM GLENDALE.
I OWN A YOGURTLAND
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.
I'M KIDDING.
THIS IS MY REAL VOICE.
- OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
- [LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE FUNNY AND HOT,
AND YOU'RE NOT A PROSTITUTE
OR A STRIPPER.
OKAY... ARE YOU REAL?
[AMERICAN ACCENT]
WELL, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
I'M KIDDING, I'M AN AUSSIE.
[LAUGHTER]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT MUSIC
AND CHATTER]
[MUSIC PLAYING FROM CAR]
[LAUGHS]
WAIT, I NEED A HUG,
I NEED A HUG.
YES, BRING IT IN!
[GIGGLES]
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR THE TICKET.
OF COURSE, ALL RIGHT,
SEE YOU ON THE 23RD?
YEAH, JUST NEED
TO LOCK IT DOWN
- AND THEN WE'RE GOOD TO GO.
- AMAZING.
- ALL RIGHT.
- GET HOME SAFE.
- YOU BET.
- LOVE YA.
LOVE YA.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
HEY, SO THAT DOOR
IS MY MOM'S DOOR.
COME IN THIS WAY.
YOU LOOK GREAT, BY THE WAY.
- THANKS.
- I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE DOOR,
I DON'T HAVE A MOM.
[BRUSHING TEETH]
[PHONE VIBRATING]
HELLO?
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
- [EMMA] I'M GOOD.
- SWEET.
- I'M SURPRISED...
- I WAS WONDERING...
[CHUCKLES]
UH, NO, YOU GO AHEAD.
I WAS JUST GONNA SAY THAT I'M
SURPRISED YOU'RE UP THIS EARLY.
- IT'S ALMOST NOON.
- TRUE, BUT YOU WERE OUT LATE, SO...
[ADAM] WELL, YOU AND I HAD A
LOT TO DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE
SO I JUST TOOK I PRETTY EASY.
HOW WAS THE CONCERT?
IT WAS GOOD, YEAH.
WE LEFT A FEW SONGS EARLY
- JUST TO BEAT THE RUSH.
- [EMMA] I SEE.
- HOW'S THE ROOMMATE?
- WHAT?
YOUR ROOMMATE. WEREN'T YOU GUYS
SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT LAST NIGHT?
OH, YEAH, UM,
SHE BLEW ME OFF LAST SECOND.
OH, REALLY, YOU SHOULD HAVE
CALLED ME.
I WAS HOME BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
WE COULD HAVE HIT UP
THAT WEIRD BACKYARD CANTINA
FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF KARAOKE.
WELL, I WAS, UM...
I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU'D LIKE TO GO OUT ON A SUPER
ROMANTIC SECOND DATE TONIGHT.
- [EMMA] ABSOLUTELY NOT.
- WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- YOU'RE SO WRONG!
- HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT SO DEFINITIVELY?
YOU HAVE AN INVERTED
TRACK PAD.
- DO NOT.
- YES, INVERTED IS AN OPPOSITE,
UPSIDE DOWN.
NO, IF YOU PUT YOUR FINGERS
ON A TRACK PAD, YOU PUSH UP.
LIKE, YOU'RE LITERALLY PUSHING
THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE
IN AN UPWARD DIRECTION.
WHEN I SLIDE MY FINGERS UP
IT MAKES SENSE
THAT THE PAGE WOULD MIRROR
THE UPWARD MOTION.
- THAT'S LOGIC, YES!
- NO, NO!
WHATEVER, YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN SLIDE YOUR FINGERS
WHEREVER YOU WANT,
I DON'T CARE.
CAN I QUOTE YOU ON THAT?
UM, IF YOU USE
AN ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY.
MLA STYLE.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SHAKE HANDS ALL AROUND
EVERYBODY WANTS TO FIGHT
AND YOU'RE THE PERFECT TARGE FOR THIS NIGHT
YOU MONSTERS STAYED AT HOME
YOUR NERVES SHOUT,
YOU'RE ALONE
YOUR NERVES SHOUT,
YOU'RE ALONE
IT GOES ON AND ON
SUCCESS HAS BOUGHT A GUN
PICK UP THE TELEPHONE
YOU'VE FOUND THE BEST EXCUSE
IT HAS THE PERFECT USE
SO YOU WAIT FOR THE SUN
TO COME DOWN
SO YOU CAN FEEL
THE SATISFACTION
THE STRANGE REACTION
YOU CAUSE
WITH ALL YOUR TEARS
SHAKE HANDS ALL AROUND
I'M SURE YOU FOUND
A PERFEC TARGET FOR THIS NIGHT
YOUR MONSTERS STAYED
AT HOME
IT GOES ON AND ON
SUCCESS HAS BOUGHT A GUN
PICK UP THE TELEPHONE
YOU FIND THE BEST EXCUSE
IT HAS A PERFECT USE
SO YOU WAIT FOR THE SUN
TO COME DOWN
SO YOU CAN FEEL...
HI?
THAT'S THE FIRST NICE THING
YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.
DO I KNOW YOU?
[CLEARS THROAT]
"THE WAY YOU GLORIFY INFIDELITY
IS WHY CONGRESS BANNED
ADVERTISING CIGARETTES ON TV.
YOU ARE THE CANCER
OF DATING ADVICE."
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE
YOUR VOICE.
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE HATE, MAN?
HOW'D YOU EVEN FIND ME HERE?
YOU GEOTAG EVERY POST.
ARE YOU GONNA HURT ME?
YOU'RE COMING ON MY SHOW.
- WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
- MM-MM, WHY NOT?
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
TOMORROW NIGHT.
NUMBER'S ON THERE.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU SEEM
TO HAVE A LOT TO SAY.
L.A. IS A MELTING PO OF BROKEN EGOS
DRIPPING WITH INSECURITY,
ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR THE NEXT TRENDSETTER.
IT'S THE EPICENTER
OF ENTERTAINMEN SENDING AFTERSHOCKS
OF CULTURE
THROUGHOU THE REST OF THE WORLD.
BUT IT'S THE VERY LACK
OF AN IDENTITY
THAT GIVES IT SUCH
A UNIQUE PERSONALITY.
IT TRULY IS A CITY
WHERE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE,
AND SELF-DISCOVERY
IS UNDENIABLY CELEBRATED.
AND OF COURSE,
THE MEXICAN FOOD
IS DAMN NEAR PERFECT.
- IT'S A BIT DARK.
- [GROANS] COME ON!
THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT,
YOU KNOW?
LIKE, THE REASON I HATE I HERE IS THE SAME REASON
- I LOVE IT HERE.
- NO, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU UNDERSTAND BUT YOU HATE IT.
YOU HATE IT.
LOOK, I THINK YOU'RE
A FANTASTIC WRITER.
YOU'RE ARTICULATE,
YOU'RE FUNNY, YOU'RE ELOQUENT.
IT'S JUST... MOST PEOPLE
WHO READ A TRAVEL BLOG
DON'T WANT TO HEAR A PHILOSOPHICAL
ANALYSIS OF THE CULTURE.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NICHE.
THEY WANNA KNOW THE QUICKEST WAY
TO GET TO THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN,
WHERE TO BUY CHEAP COCKTAILS.
HEY...
NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THERE IS A REALLY GOOD CHANCE
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
- I'M TALKING ABOUT.
- NO.
I ONLY READ TRAVEL BLOGS
TO FIND THE NEAREST ALLEYWAY
- TO GET A HAND JOB.
- [LAUGHS]
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- NO, NOT SINCE GRINDR.
WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE GRINDR?
CRAIGSLIST.
- OH, GROSS.
- [LAUGHS]
ARE PEOPLE IN SYDNEY MORE OPEN
THAN THEY ARE IN THE STATES?
NO, DEFINITELY NOT MORE
THAN L.A.
HM.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY
NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY BEFORE?
A TRAVEL WRITER WHO HASN' LEFT THE COUNTRY?
YEAH, THE IRONY IS NO LOST ON ME, BELIEVE ME.
- DUDE!
- IT'S HARD WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY, YOU KNOW?
- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN ANSWER.
YEAH.
HEY, MAN.
- GREGORY.
- [GREG] HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
UH, YOU FREE SATURDAY?
UH, I THINK SO.
WHY?
I'M THROWING A PARTY
FOR STEF'S 30TH,
- YOU SHOULD COME.
- YEAH, YEAH, OKAY,
- IF I'M NOT WORKING.
- ALSO, SHOT IN THE DARK,
BUT DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYBODY
WITH A BIG HOUSE AND A POOL?
- UH, WHY?
- [ADAM] TO THROW THE SAID PARTY.
I CAN ASK AROUND,
BUT NO GUARANTEES.
HAVE IT HERE.
I'M ALREADY HOSTING ONE
ON SATURDAY.
[ADAM] WHO'S THAT?
SOMEONE JUST OFFERING
THEIR HOUSE IN THE HILLS.
- BE POLITE.
- WOW, SERIOUSLY?
- IS IT NICE?
- UH, YEAH, IT'S PRETTY NICE.
- THERE'S ONLY ONE CATCH.
- HERE.
- YELLO.
- [ADAM] HELLO?
SO THE ONLY CATCH IS
IT'S A CYNDI LAUPER-FEST.
[LAUGHS]
SPECIFICALLY CYNDI LAUPER?
- I'LL ALLOW ANYTHING '80S.
- [ADAM] DONE.
- THERE YOU, OKAY?
- [ADAM] WHO WAS THAT?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SOUND
LIKE YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING?
I'M NOT UP TO ANYTHING, OKAY?
OH... YOU GUYS ARE HOOKING UP.
- [GREG] NO, ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING.
- GREGORY. GRE...
WE LOCKED THE HOUSE.
OH, MY GOD. DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD GET, LIKE, A DJ,
OR SHOULD I JUST PLAY, LIKE,
MUSIC FROM MY IPOD?
WHAT KIND OF PARTY IS IT?
I DON'T KNOW, HE SAID
SOMETHING ABOUT CYNDI LAUPER.
NO, I MEAN IS I MORE LIKE A LAID BACK
CHILLING WITH FRIENDS VIBE?
OR MORE OF A CRAZY,
LOUD, DANCE PARTY THING?
I MEAN, IT DEPENDS ON
WHAT YOU CONSIDER LAID BACK.
WHERE I'M FROM IT'S FIVE DEGREES
OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.
TO ME, EVERYTHING OUT HERE
IS LAID BACK.
YOU'RE NOT MUCH
OF A PARTIER?
NO, IT'S NOT THAT,
IT'S JUST, I'M NOT TOO KEEN
ON THE IDEA OF, LIKE,
DRUNK FRAT GUYS
JUMPING INTO POOLS AND DOING
LINES OF COCAINE, SO...
WELL, MOST PEOPLE ARE GOING
TO BE IN THEIR 30S.
I DOUBT IT'S GONNA BE
SOME RAUCOUS ANIMAL HOUSE.
- YOU GO.
- AS IN WITHOUT YOU? I CAN'T DO THAT.
I JUST... I DON'T WANT TO
RUIN YOUR TIME
AND IT'S REALLY NOT MY SCENE.
NO, NO, I'M NOT GONNA HAVE
A GOOD TIME IF YOU DON'T GO.
LOOK, WE'LL JUST STOP BY
FOR, LIKE, A DRINK
AND THEN...
WE'LL STEP INTO THE POOL.
I'LL EVEN HIRE A LIFEGUARD
SO PEOPLE DON'T JUMP IN.
LOOK, IF IT WEREN' STEF'S BIRTHDAY
THEN I WOULDN'T EVEN
WANT TO GO.
I'D WANT TO STAY AT HOME
WITH YOU
AND BAKE NSTLE TOLL HOUSE
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES,
WATCH A MOVIE,
AND CUDDLE UNDER A BLANKET.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUS THAT I PROMISED HER
LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO
THAT I WOULD DO THIS
AND I'VE ALREADY SPEN SO MUCH TIME INVITING EVERYBODY.
I CAN'T NOT GO, IT'D BE
MAD AWKWARD AT THIS POINT.
SO YOU GUYS ARE, LIKE,
REALLY CLOSE, HUH?
I MEAN, SHE'S THE ONLY FRIEND
I HAVE THAT LIKES TO GO OUT.
WHERE DOES ALL THIS ENERGY
COME FROM?
- THIS? THIS ENERGY?
- YEAH...
- IS IT TOO MUCH?
- SOMETIMES.
YOU SEE THIS NOSE?
SEE HOW IT'S NOT NORMAL?
- [GIGGLES] NO.
- WELL, WHEN I WAS SIX,
I RAN FACE FIRS INTO A BRICK FIREPLACE
AFTER HAVING A PIXIE STICK.
I WAS A VERY HYPERACTIVE CHILD.
GOT IT.
I'M HAPPY HE FOUND SOMEONE.
ME TOO.
THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER
FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS EVERY DAY.
THEY'RE LIVING OUR FANTASY.
[LAUGHS]
HE DESERVES IT.
I'M JUST HAPPY I HAVE YOU.
THAT REMINDS ME, ACTUALLY,
I DIDN'T GET YOUR FLIGH ITINERARY,
SO I WAS WONDERING,
I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE IT WENT TO SPAM, OR...
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU,
THERE'S BEEN A MINOR CHANGE.
IN TIME?
MORE LIKE DAY?
ARE WE OKAY, SOPHIE?
I ONLY ASK, I MEAN,
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE NEEDY OR ANYTHING,
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE
A TENDENCY TO OVERTHINK THINGS
AND MAYBE THAT WAS A MOMEN THAT I OVERTHOUGHT,
AND I JUST... I DON' WANT TO SCARE YOU OFF.
I REALLY...
WAIT...
I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAVEY.
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SAY I SOONER, I JUST FROZE.
[GIGGLES]
I CAN WAIT,
I CAN WAIT BUT PLEASE
DON'T WASTE MY TIME
DON'T THROW AWAY THE KEY
I LIKE IT HERE...
[GIGGLING]
UGH. YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?
COME ON.
[PHONE VIBRATING]
HELLO?
[INDISTINCT VOICE]
HI, YES, THE KEY
IS IN THE MAILBOX.
THE ONLY MAILBOX.
THE BLACK MAILBOX
ON THE FRONT PORCH.
YES, I CAN BE THERE
IN 15 MINUTES.
EMMA, DO WE STILL
HAVE THAT BOTTLE OF WINE,
THE REALLY OLD ONE
THAT'S BASICALLY VINEGAR NOW?
UH, YES, AGAIN,
I'M SO, SO SORRY.
I WILL GET THERE AS SOON
AS I CAN, JUST HOLD TIGHT, OKAY?
OKAY, BYE.
YEAH, IT'S IN THE FRIDGE
SOMEWHERE, WHY?
I'M HAVING COMPANY TONIGHT.
NOT THE INTERNET TROLL.
YEAH. EITHER HE CAN
PLAY NICE,
AND HE GET DOWN
ON THIS 2013 RED BORDEAUX
I BOUGHT FOR MY DATE
WITH RON,
OR, IF HE'S A DICK,
THEN HE GETS
THAT VINEGAR WINE SWILL.
THE CHOICE IS HIS.
WOW.
I LIKE THE SWEATER, BY THE WAY.
VERY MR. ROGERS.
MY GIRLFRIEND GAVE IT TO ME.
CUTE. ALL RIGHT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I AM HERE
WITH @ABRAHAMROSEN,
A FOODIE AND INTERNET TROLL.
NOW, ABE, ON MY LAST POST,
YOU COMMENTED, AND I QUOTE,
"YOUR FORAY INTO OPEN LOVE
IS AS DOOMED AS
THE 'LOST' FINALE."
NOW, I'M AN ADULT,
AND I CAN TAKE A JOKE,
EVEN SOME CRITICISM,
BUT THIS IS JUST ONE OF SEVERAL,
SEVERAL ATTACKS ON ME.
YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMI YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?
I HAVE A PROBLEM?
I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE DO,
YOU'RE JUST VERY PUBLIC
ABOUT IT.
WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?
YOU CAN'T COMMIT.
INSTEAD OF WORKING ON THAT,
YOU CAME UP WITH A VERY
EASY WAY TO JUSTIFY IT.
DUDE, I NEVER SAID POLY
WAS FOR EVERYONE, OKAY?
THE SAME WAY THAT YOU CAN LOVE
MORE THAN ONE BOOK,
OR ONE MOVIE, I CAN LOVE
MORE THAN ONE PERSON.
I MEAN, THAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH YOUR SHOW RIGHT THERE.
YOU JUST COMPARED LOVE
AND HUMAN CONNECTION
TO FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT HUMAN CONNECTION?
YOU HIDE BEHIND YOUR COMPUTER.
YOU'RE THE ONE WITH AN AUDIENCE
AND YOU MAKE INFIDELITY SOUND
LIKE A NATURAL, NORMAL THING.
GUESS WHAT, BUDDY?
YOUR LAST COMMEN GOT OVER 800 LIKES,
SO LIKE IT OR NOT,
YOU ALSO HAVE AN AUDIENCE.
LOOK, INFIDELITY IS WRONG.
WE CAN BOTH AGREE ON THAT,
RIGHT?
BUT CHEATING ON SOMEONE
AND LOVING MULTIPLE PARTNERS
ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.
BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUS NOT SPREADING YOUR LOVE THIN?
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN
MEASURE LOVE?
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE FINALLY
PENETRATING EACH OTHER.
[RADIO PLAYING]
SORRY! I'M SORRY.
IT'S STILL LOCKED?
NO, I'VE BEEN VOLUNTARILY
SITTING OUTSIDE FOR TWO HOURS.
OKAY, I APOLOGIZE.
I'M GONNA GET A KEY MADE FOR YOU
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,
OKAY?
[PHONE VIBRATING]
- HELLO.
- EMMA.
[EMMA]
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
HAVE YOU LEFT YET?
UH, NO, I ACTUALLY HAD
A WORK EMERGENCY, SO...
OH, NO, UM,
CAN I ASK YOU A FAVOR?
[EMMA] OKAY.
IF YOU CAN'T DO IT,
NO WORRIES,
I'LL ASK SOMEBODY ELSE,
NOT A BIG DEAL.
JUST LET ME KNOW
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
- WHAT?
- [EMMA] YEAH, THERE SHOULD BE SOME IN THE KITCHEN.
HELP YOURSELF.
- [WOMAN] YOU GOT A...
- UH, WE SHOULD HAVE ONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL FIND IT.
I'LL BRING IT TO YOUR ROOM.
- SORRY...
- OH, I'M GONNA HAVE SOME GUESTS, ONE OR TWO,
- IF THAT'S OKAY.
- [EMMA] THAT'S ACTUALLY 10 EXTRA DOLLARS
- FOR EXTRA GUESTS, SORRY.
- [WOMAN] OH, YEAH, SURE, SURE, SURE, YEAH,
LET'S SEE, UH...
- REALLY? REALLY?
- YOU LOVE IT.
YEAH, YEAH, I LOVE IT.
HI, UH, SORRY, SORRY.
WHAT'S UP?
SO, APPARENTLY,
THE PIATA THAT I ORDERED
HAS A MASSIVE CRACK IN I AND UPON FURTHER INVESTIGATION,
ALL THE CANDY INSIDE
IS NUT-BASED, WHICH STEF
IS DEFINITELY ALLERGIC TO
SO I ORDERED A LAST-MINUTE
ONE FROM THE STORE.
I JUST NEED SOMEBODY
TO PICK IT UP.
- YEAH, I CAN DO THAT.
- [ADAM] AND IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,
IT'S ACROSS THE STREE FROM YOUR HOUSE IN HOLLYWOOD
- SO HOPEFULLY...
- YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
I'M ACTUALLY THERE
RIGHT NOW, SO THAT WORKS.
YOU'RE AMAZING, THANK YOU.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.
LIKEWISE, I'LL, UH,
SEE YOU SOON.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
CHEATED ON?
BY?
I ASSUME FROM YOUR UNINFORMED
AVERSION TO POLYAMORY
THAT YOU'VE HAD A RUN IN
WITH INFIDELITY?
IF IT'S A PODCAST, YOU HAVE TO
ACTUALLY ANSWER INTO THE...
YEAH, YEAH...
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'M SORRY.
SO WHAT MADE YOU COME HERE?
YOU MEAN BESIDES THE FAC THAT YOU KIND OF STALKED ME?
THAT'S THE INVESTIGATIVE
JOURNALIST IN ME,
AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH
STALKERS OF MY OWN
THAT I KNOW HOW TO REVERSE
ENGINEER THE WHOLE PROCESS.
[CHUCKLES]
DID I JUST MAKE YOU LAUGH?
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
I JUST MADE ABE ROSEN LAUGH!
LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE
JUDGING ME BEFORE
BY THE INFORMATION
THAT I CHOOSE TO PUT OUT THERE
TO MY LISTENERS,
AND YOU WANTED TO...
DRIVE A SPEAR THROUGH
MY SKULL.
BUT, NOW THAT WE'VE MET,
AM I REALLY THE ANTICHRIS THAT YOU ENVISIONED?
YOU WOULD MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU.
- BITCH, IT'S MY PODCAST.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
LOOK, THIS IS ALL ABOU A CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE.
AT LEAST YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT.
THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER
THAN A CONFIDENT MAN
THAT KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS.
I KNOW I DON'T WAN THIS SWEATER ANYMORE.
IT IS GROSS.
[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
SCREW IT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ABE IS DISROBING?
- FEEL BETTER?
- I DO.
HEY!
OH, COME ON, I'M LEAVING,
I'M LEAVING RIGHT THIS SECOND, I SWEAR.
YOU'RE PARKED
IN A LOADING ZONE.
WHAT, DO YOU WORK
ALL OF SILVERLAKE OR SOMETHING?
WE HAVE A LOT OF OFFICERS
ON DUTY.
LOOK, I WAS JUST GOING IN
TO PICK SOMETHING UP, OKAY?
I'M GONNA LEAVE RIGH THIS SECOND, I SWEAR.
COME ON. NOW IS JUST NO JUST A GOOD TIME FOR ME.
I CAN BARELY AFFORD THE TICKE YOU GAVE ME LAST TIME...
OKAY, OKAY!
REALLY?
DO ME A FAVOR.
PUT YOURSELF IN MY POSITION.
YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS JOB
20 YEARS.
PEOPLE ALWAYS CURSING
IN YOUR FACE,
THREATENING THE SAFETY
OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
DO YOU THINK THAT PRIMES
YOUR MOOD TO GIVE OUT FAVORS?
NO, DEFINITELY NOT.
THEN HOPEFULLY NEXT TIME YOU
WON'T THINK OF ME AND MY PEOPLE
AS SOME SORT OF
ARCHETYPAL MONSTER.
I AM A WELL-SPOKEN MAN.
I HAVE FEELINGS
AND A SENSE OF HUMOR.
YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
UNDERSTANDING, SERIOUSLY.
WELL, YOU'VE BEEN HERE
SIX MINUTES
SO I HAVE TO GIVE YOU
THIS TICKET.
WHAT? I WAS STANDING HERE
TALKING TO YOU, YOU PSYCHO!
ARE YOU
FREAKING SERIOUS?
NO WONDER PEOPLE
THREATEN YOUR FAMILY.
I'M JOKING. I WAS DEMONSTRATING
MY SENSE OF HUMOR.
OH...
I'LL MOVE.
GOD, I HATE THAT LITTLE BITCH.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
TURN IT UP,
SO EVERYBODY KNOWS
THAT I GOT THE GOOD THING
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT GOES
SERIOUSLY, I AM OFF
OF ALKALINE WATER.
I HAD A BAD TRIP LAST TIME
I DRANK IT.
HOW DO YOU REGULATE
YOUR PH?
I'VE TOTALLY
DONE WITHOUT CAFFEINE,
WITH THE EXCEPTION OF
MY GRASS-FED BUTTER COFFEE
REGIMEN, OF COURSE.
- OF COURSE.
- NATURALLY.
SOMETIMES, THEY ADD
AN EXTRA SYLLABLE.
LIKE, INSTEAD OF "GIRL,"
THEY'D SAY "GETAL."
INSTEAD OF "PEARL,"
THEY SAY "PETAL."
"I GAVE THE GETAL A PETAL."
- WHAT ABOUT JAPANESE?
- OOH, BRO, IT'S HARD TO DO AN ASIAN ACCEN WITHOUT COMING OFF
AS A RACIST.
YEAH, PLEASE DON'T DO IT.
DON'T DO IT.
I MEAN, BRITISH, OKAY.
[YIDDISH ACCENT]
I COULD EVEN DO A YIDDISH RABBI.
JAPANESE, I'M A BIGOT.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[JAPANESE ACCENT]
THIS IS GREAT PARTY.
FULL OF LOTS OF STRAIGH WHITE PEOPLE.
- OH, NO! NO...
- I FEEL LIKE I JUST MISSED THE SHOW.
- HI.
- PERFECT TIMING.
NO, HE'S MAKING AN ASS
OUT OF HIMSELF.
EVERYBODY, THE BIRTHDAY GIRL
HAS "ARRIVEN."
HEY! BIRTHDAY GIRL!
WELCOME!
- THANK YOU!
- TELL HER HOW YOUNG SHE LOOKS
AND FIND HER A CUTE GUY
TO TALK TO.
DOES HE HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- I AM SO SORRY!
- IT'S OKAY...
- YOU WANT ME TO...
- NO, IT'S FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S OKAY.
- [MAN] GUESS WHO?
- I HAVE NO IDEA.
DANG, YOU'RE DOING WORK
IN THAT BODYSUIT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU KNOW, JUST ANOTHER DAY
AT THE SALT MINES.
BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE,
I MIGHT HAVE TO CLOCK OUT.
HOLY SHIT, I JUST REALIZED
THIS IS AN '80S PARTY.
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
THAT'S... SOMETHING.
YEAH. HEY, HOW CRAZY IS THA WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER HERE?
I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?
TOTALLY LIKE SERENITY,
YOU KNOW?
YOU WANNA DO A SHOT?
YEAH. YES, I DO.
STEF: ALL RIGHT,
TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
WELL,
HOPEFULLY SHE'S HERE SOON,
I CALLED HER LIKE
AN HOUR AGO.
- GIVE ME A HINT.
- [SIGHS] ALL RIGHT,
IT'S SOMETHING YOU'RE GONNA
WANT TO PUNCH
AND IT'S MEXICAN.
- GEORGE LOPEZ?
- YES!
- [MAN] UH, FLIP CUP.
- FLIP CUP?
- [RECORD SCRATCHING]
- [HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
WHOA, YOU TAKE NO PRISONERS.
- HERE.
- OKAY.
HEY. I HAVE SOME OF THA BLUE SHIT IN MY BACKPACK IF...
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE
CONDESCENDING,
BUT THAT BLUE SHI IS ACTUALLY BLUE CURACAO,
WHICH IS NOT A LIQUOR,
IT'S A LIQUEUR
WHICH IS DIFFERENT.
LIQUOR AND LIQUEUR
ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
OKAY, WELL, WHATEVER IT IS,
IT DEFINITELY MAKES ME FEEL
ADEQUATELY INTOXICATED.
YEAH, I LIKE YOU
FOR SEEING IT THAT WAY.
COME ON, LET'S GO OUTSIDE.
COME ON, GIRL. COME ON,
MAKE ME PROUD.
COME ON, GIRL.
- OH!
- OH! WHAT!
OH, MY GOD!
[LAUGHS]
I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE,
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST GONNA STAR GOING UP TO RANDOS AND JUST LIKE...
EMMA! HEY! HEY.
OH, MY GOD, ADAM.
UM, I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO CALL YOU.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN HERE?
OH, WERE YOU REALLY?
YEAH, RECEPTION'S TERRIBLE
THOUGH.
UM, DID YOU GE THE PIATA?
YEAH, IT'S OVER THERE
BLEEDING TWIZZLERS ON THE FLOOR.
[CHUCKLES] WHAT?
YEAH, I SAW IT. ONE OF MY
CLIENTS KIND OF KARATE-CHOPPED I WITH HIS KNEE.
OH.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
PSH, YEAH, SO GOOD.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUS OUT RUNNING ERRANDS FOR YOU
AND IT'S NICE
THAT WHEN I WALK IN,
I SEE THE TWO OF YOU
JUST LAUGHING YOUR ASSES OFF
- HAVING A GREAT TIME.
- "THE TWO OF" WHO?
I HARDLY KNOW ANYBODY HERE.
OH, COME ON ADAM.
ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE
UNTIL JUST NOW.
AND I WOULD HAVE HELPED
WITH THE PIATA,
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?
I WAS OUT GETTING
THE PERFECT PIATA
FOR YOUR LITTLE FRIEND
WHO YOU JUST HAD TO THROW
THIS HUGE PARTY FOR
AND YOU JUST HAD TO TELL ME
TO COME
EVEN THOUGH I TOLD POINT-BLANK
THAT I WAS NOT COMFORTABLE.
[STAMMERING]
ALL RIGHT, EMMA...
NO! WOULD YOU JUST SCREW HER ALREADY
AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM?
OKAY, 'CAUSE I CAN FEEL IT IN MY
BONES THAT YOU WANT HER, OKAY?
AND I CAN'T STAND DATING YOU AND,
LIKE, LIVING WITH THIS SEED OF FEAR
WONDERING WHEN IS IT GONNA
HAPPEN? WHEN IS IT GONNA...
HEY, IS MY SURPRISE
HERE YET?
CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE
IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION?
BOTH OF YOU, PLEASE JUS CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND.
TELL YOUR FRIEND
TO TAKE A XANAX.
OH!
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]
- OW!
- [MAN] HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU COULD HAVE IT ALL,
YOU COULD HAVE IT ALL
AH, SHE'S AN ABSOLUTE PSYCHO.
EVEN AT THE FILM SHOO I GOT BAD VIBES.
RIGHT WHEN I HANDED YOU
THE LAMP,
SHE GOT ALL COLD
AND DEFENSIVE.
I DIDN'T PICK UP
ON ANY OF THAT.
HERE, HOLD THIS TO YOUR NOSE.
IT'S A BEER
AND AN ICE PACK IN ONE.
DRINK THE BEER,
HOLD IT TO YOUR NOSE.
BEER, NOSE, BEER, NOSE.
BEER, NOSE.
ARE YOU CALLING HER?
- SHOULD I NOT CALL?
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR HEAD BACK.
- I AM.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF IT FEELS ALL CROOKED,
YOU GOTTA FIND YOURSELF
A REALLY GOOD RHINOPLASTER.
I'M NOT GONNA NEED
A NOSE JOB.
HONESTLY, IT DOESN'T EVEN
HURT THAT BAD.
I'M JUST BEING
KIND OF DRAMATIC.
[VOICEMAIL] HEY, THIS IS ADAM HART.
SO SORRY I MISSED YOU.
PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
THANKS.
[VOCALIZING]
WAKEY, WAKEY.
- JESUS CHRIST.
- GOT YOU SOME BREKKIE, MATE.
MAN, COME ON.
I HAVE SOME FRUIT,
SOME COFFEE,
AND A QUARTER OF
A CHOCOLATE DONUT.
I WANNA GO BACK TO SLEEP.
BUT IT'S MY LAST DAY.
WHAT?
YEAH, I GOT A JOB
ON A SHOW IN BRITAIN,
JUST FOR A COUPLE
OF WEEKS.
[SIGHS] OKAY.
IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
IT WAS A DRUNKEN DECISION,
BUT I USED A PORTION
OF MY SKY MILES AND I BOUGHT YOU
A TICKET TO COME WITH ME.
- WHAT?
- YOU'VE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY, MATE.
I CAN'T HAVE THAT.
AND, IF YOU DON'T WAN TO USE THEM,
I'LL JUST PAWN THEM.
GAY!
- [LAUGHING]
- GAY!
YOU WANT MY ROBE
ON OR OFF?
UM... WHATEVER'S MORE
COMFORTABLE FOR YOU.
I JUST DON'T WANT MY TITS
HANGING OUT.
I DON'T WANT THAT EITHER.
- HEY, MAN.
- HEY.
SOPHIE AND I ARE DOING
AN ESCAPE ROOM TODAY,
YOU INTERESTED?
- EH...
- IT'LL BE REALLY FUN.
THEY LOCK YOU IN
A SMALL ROOM
AND YOU CAN'T LEAVE
UNTIL YOU SOLVE THE PUZZLES.
- I'M OKAY.
- YOU SURE?
I'LL GET YOU AN ICE CREAM CONE.
- THAT'S VERY SWEET.
- GOOD ONE.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
YOU SHOULDN'T SIT THERE TOO LONG.
IT'S NOT HEALTHY.
JUST GET UP, DO SOMETHING.
- NO, I WILL.
- YEAH?
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
- OH, I'M SO SORRY.
- I'M SORRY.
SORRY.
[SPEAKING AS DOG]
THAT'S WHY YOU SUCK AT LOVE.
[NORMAL VOICE]
NAH, I'M KIDDING, IT WAS ME.
DID YOU THINK IT WAS THE DOG?
[LAUGHS]
OH, MAN, THANK GOD
YOUR LOVE LIFE SUCKS.
OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE,
BOOSTING MY VIEWERSHIP
AND PERPETUATING
MY DEPENDENCY ON YOUR APPROVAL
IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN
SOME SEMBLANCE OF AN EGO.
I NEED THIS.
I AM GONNA TELL YOU
WHY YOU SUCK AT LOVE.
AFTER ALL, I'M AN EXPERT.
FIRST OF ALL, STOP COMPLAINING
ABOUT HOW HARD DATING IS
FOR YOUR GENERATION.
IT'S HARD FOR EVERYBODY, ALL RIGHT?
IF YOU'VE GOT ONE MORE NEGATIVE
THING TO SAY ABOUT MILLENNIALS,
THEN GO BITCH ABOUT I IN THE COMMENTS SECTION
SO EVERY OTHER PRIVILEGED
ASSHOLE CAN GE THE SAME SATISFACTION
THAT I'M GETTING RIGHT NOW.
EVERY TIME YOU CRASH AND BURN,
IT PUTS YOU ONE STEP
CLOSER TO CONVINCING YOURSELF
THAT THERE'S A PROBLEM
WITH THE WORLD,
NOT A PROBLEM WITH YOU.
OOH, I JUST WEN SLAM POETRY ON YOU.
NORMALLY I WEAR A BERET WHEN
I DROP TRUTH BOMBS LIKE THAT,
BUT IT'S IN THE WASH.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- [SIGHS] HELLO?
"OH, THERE'S TOO MANY OPTIONS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO FIND SOMEONE
WHEN STATISTICALLY
THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SOMEONE
BETTER FOR ME OUT THERE?
TINDER'S SO SUPERFICIAL.
IT'S ALL BASED OFF OF LOOKS."
OH, YOU'RE NOT A FAN
OF OPTIONS?
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO IDAHO,
WHERE THE POPULATION
IS HALF AS DENSE
AND A FOUR IS A TEN?
WELL, THEN TURN THE WATER OFF.
OKAY, I'LL BE THERE IN TEN.
DATING HAS ALWAYS BEEN HARD,
EXCEPT NOW WE LIVE IN A TIME
WHERE THERE'S ALL THESE FANCY,
NEW-FANGLED GADGETS
THAT MAKE FINDING
THE PERFECT MATE
EASIER THAN BREATHING.
COMMUNICATION IS KING.
OR SHOULD I SAY COMMUNICATION
IS A NON-GENDER SPECIFIC,
NON-BINARY... I DON'T KNOW
THE FULL TERMINOLOGY.
JUST KNOW THA I'M ON YOUR SIDE.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
IT'S TOUGH FOR YOU
TO TAKE THE INFORMATION
THAT'S IN HERE,
AND TURKEY BASTE I INTO SOMEBODY ELSE'S BRAIN.
NOWADAYS IT'S SO EASY
TO GHOST PEOPLE
AND AVOID CONFRONTATION
ALTOGETHER.
BUT MY ADVICE TO YOU
WOULD BE TO JUST STOP HIDING
AND GO OUT AND HAVE
A CONVERSATION.
WE ALL WANT THE SAME THING,
LOVE, CONNECTION.
AND A LESSON ABOUT LIFE
THAT DOESN'T SOUND SO PREACHY.
SO HEAR ME WHEN I SAY THIS:
DATING IS MEAN TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
SO BE THAT HAPPY PERSON
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE
AND I PROMISE,
YOU'LL STOP SUCKING AT LOVE.
BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER,
AND, UM...
MAYBE WE CAN DO THIS AGAIN
SOMETIME.
SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW
WHEN I LOST TRACK OF TIME
OF TIME
THE LONGEST SUMMER
FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES
MY EYES
OPEN THE DOOR,
KNEES ON THE FLOOR
FACING THE GROUND
PLEASURE'S A TOY,
IT'S HARD TO DESTROY
IT WON'T MAKE A SOUND
PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK
I'M LOSING TRACK
NO, IT WON'T STOP
PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK
I'M LOSING TRACK
NO, I WON'T STOP
SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW
I BECAME A SPY
A SPY
STARING AT THE GUTTER
AND NOT THE SKY
THE SKY
OPEN THE DOOR,
KNEES ON THE FLOOR
FACING THE GROUND
PLEASURE'S A TOY,
IT'S HARD TO DESTROY
IT WON'T MAKE A SOUND
PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK
I'M LOSING TRACK
NO, IT WON'T STOP
PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK
I'M LOSING TRACK
NO, I WON'T STOP
PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK
I'M LOSING TRACK
NO, IT WON'T STOP
PLEASE CALL ME BACK,
PLEASE CALL ME BACK
I'M LOSING TRACK
NO, I WON'T STOP