Ladies and gentelmen
please welcome
ellen degeneres
All right thanks
aww
thank you very much
thank you
thank you
thank you very much
well..thanks
what a lovely way to start work.thank you very much
I..I encourage you to
do that to your co-workers
next time they are
walking to work
give them that because it's a lovely way
to start your job
thank you so much
What's great about this, you know
you think about it...
you have a room full of people
everybody is so different
and we're all here for different reasons
everybody has a different story
some people are old time fans
and they bought some tickets today
that were on sale
I'm always appreciative...there they are
..five of them...
and..yeah look at the sits they get
that's a shame...
some of you have get baby-sitters
especially if you have kids
some people maybe you are in bad mood
maybe you had a fight
with your boyfriend or girlfriend
or your husband or your wife
or your lover
or your partner
or your "room-mate"..or..or
..your niece..The point is..
..you're in a bad mood
and i now have to work even harder
to make you laugh because
you have to have things in your way
and you won't go back down
but that's all right
because we're all here
and with all our differencies
we all have one thing in common
we're all ..gay...
Now..there are people out there going like
"they think we're all gay because we're here?"
Do we look... "gay"?
I've told you this will going to
happen...we're not going to understand
a word of this
uhm..that's my one
"obligatory gay reference"
i have to say something gay
otherwise some people might leave
here tonite going
"..she didn't do anything gay
she's not our leader..
...what happened to our leader?"
oww..seriously there are few here
that you're probably are not gay.
..I mean...
You have "tendencies"..
..you've thought about it
Now ..there are people go
"I have thought about
is that mean I'm gay?"
I'm not gay!!!
Is that how they get us?
Now, I think that one thing we
have in common it's that
we all wanna laugh and that is a
beautiful thing,so..
I'm stoling it...I..uhmm...
I'm..I'm having a problem with
procrastination..
..and i'm suppose to start the show
and I'm not so
..this procrastination thing..
whatever I'm suppose to do
..i do other thing other than
the one I'm suppose to do..
and then I fell bad about myself
and i'm getting depressed
and i don't really get anything
done cause i'm depressed
and I've told a friend of mine
about this problem and she said...
"you should go
to theraphy" and I've thought
about it
..and i've thought "wait a minute"
why should i pay a stranger to
listen to me talk
when i can get strangers to
pay to listen to me talk?
so that is when i
came up with the idea of "touring"and
I've thought now i have
to write a show
so i've thought "what do i wanna say?"
"what do i wanna talk about?"
so i was sitting down my desk
i was starring at my desk
and i've thought..
...wow...that's dusty
I can't write with my desk
all dusty like this so,
i went downstairs to get a rag
and on the way downstairs
my kitten was on the stairs
way playing with a piece of
..dust..or something..and uhm..
I went and pat..
cause they do that thing..
they role on the back and show you the belly
and you got an award on that
you can pass that up..
so..I sat down and pat the cat
for about..i don't know... 45 minutes
something like that
and..then i went downstairs and
by that time i forgot why i
went downstairs
and i was starring around
trying to remember and i thought..
I should paint this room
I wonder what color this is
it looks like a white but i'm sure
there are fancy names for it
..all these people..what kid of job is that
to come up with
name for paint colors
you know ..all the different color
of whites like..egg shell,or linnen, or lily or
...off
all the different ones
you know...
and i've thought maybe yellow
you know..canary or banana
or smoker's teeth
you know..something like that
would be...
I thought..I got that right so
maybe if i put some
music i would be more..inspired
so i went over the cabin where
i keep all my cd's...
..you've should have seen that thing
totally..dis...oh.. just
oh..everything..Meatloaf was next
to the Cranberries
which...I thought it would be funny
one night when i organized it by food
when i was drunk
really nothing else was in there
except..Brad..an uhmm
just all kinds of weirds
the doors,the carpenters,
the 9inch nails were together
and that didn't help anything
so ..aaaumm..
I thought i have to organize these
I can't put these off
and so ...
and so I'm sitting in a hundreds
of cd's and the phone rang
and it was a friend of mine
and i said "I can't talk
I'm Writting!"
and so...
..she said "I can't believe you
you're so disciplined, I have
such a problem with procrastination...
and i said "we should go to lunch
and talk about that and so"
We went to lunch and...
we were talking about procrastination
and the waitress over there heard
and she said
-Listen, I have a problem with
procrastination too
And i said "Really?Get my sandwhich
and..so...
But that's when it hit me
that's i wanna..i shoud
talk about
"Procrastination"
that's the problem everybody has
It's universal.."Procrastination"
and then i said "ok whom am I kidding
I'm never gonna get around
and write about Procrastination
and so my friend said
-That's why i brought this video tape
If you watch this guy
he keeps you focus, he keeps you on track
you'll never procrastinate again
so, about a week later
i pop in the tape
I find that if you don't press "play"
right away,
someone's on TV
all the time..
we have 700 chanels now
when did this happened?
when i was a kid we'd had 5 channels
we didn't have remote
you'd had to hate someone
bad enough..
to get up and walk that 5 feet
to change the channel
damn bananas..those horses are
so much louder
when they run
there were simplier times back then
you know, we were so easily
entertained
we would watch anything
we would watch a flying nun
would watch
a talking horse
we're much sofisticated now
watching people in bugs and
and marry strangers for money
aww..we've come a long way
haven't we?
it's enough to make you miss
...isn't it?
-Oh that was a great show,man..
the pace of that show
nothing ever happened on
that show
when there was a time for whistling
there was a long time on
that show
everything was different
it was just slower and longer
comercials were 5 minutes long
telling us how delicious our
cigaretes and alchool were
men..there were people
happy drinkers and smokers
weren't they?
people are still happy in comercials
but now they are concentrated in 30sec
they have to be happy in 30sec
and there're some happy people too
that that woman in the shampoo
comercial?
she's happy...
she's too happy...
i fell for it tho
i bought the shampoo
I got to tell you
i shampoo for good ..half an hour
but i've never got that happy
finally, i just had to fake it.
..you know..cause...
i had to get out of
the shower...
it's amazing ,30sec
and we get invested into the
characters of those comercials
you know, that old man who
could eat corn and the can
again...
I'm happy for him
he couldn't eat for a while
now i can...
that woman on a jury duty
"got to go, got to go right now"
sssjjjjjhhhh
-I got to go..
and the judge don't understand...
such a relief by the
end of that comercial
"and i don't have to go right now"
aw..fantastic..lady
those giggles are catchy..
we retain that in 30 sec, we remember
all that stuff you know
because of the
repetition
and i believe that
one day the sitcoms
would be 30sec long
cause that's all we need
that's all our atention
man can take
because our atention
is mainly shut, we've
all got atention deficit disorders
ca:ADD,OSD or one of this
3 letters disorders cos we
not have the time and patience
to pronounce the
entirely disorder...
that should be a disorder
right there:TBD
too busy disorder
what's with the sudden choice of so much disorders
we've got now?
when i was a kid
we just got"crazy people"
that's all, just "crazy people"
all the comercials on tv now
are for antidepresants like
prozac, paxal
and they get you right
the way
are you sad?
did you get stressed?
do you have anxiety?
yes, yes i have all those things
i'm alive!
I don't want to take a pill!
go to Africa, go follow a bush
man around.he's getting chased
by a lion.That's stress!!
you're not gonna make
me pick on paxal
that's what I'm telling you right now!
So i was watching the news
the other day..
brought to you by..Paxal..
and now i need it
smart advertising...
that's another thing
when i was a kid the news was
once a day.you either caught it
either missed it
now the news is on
24 hours a day
and that's not all
now there's a guy talking and
there's a crawl down there
so you see that guy talkin
and the crawl's down there
and you're online an put your opinion
-and you put..
"nooo!!..i said to that nooo...!"
-I said no too,that's right...
and if you stop paying atention to crawl
you go back to that guy for a minute
and you catch the end of something..
what about madonna's left foot
what happened?
wating for to come back
around again...goes to comercials
"are you sad? do you get stressed?"
there should be one crawl
goin round and round"things are getting worse"..that's all we need
and the local news
man you don't need to watch every
broadcast they've got, don't they?
isn't enough you watch the one you want?they teases you ...to get you
to watch it later on
there is so
incredible cruel
"it could be the most deadly thing
in the world that you maybe having
it for dinner.We'll tell you what it is
tonight at 11"
is it ..peas?
I feel sorry for the news-casters
you know. We can turn it off
But that's their job and they
have to read these stories
and they're coming up at the
telep. and they don't know
what's coming up and
they got to go thru these
range of emotions and that..
"there were no survivors"
and next..
"which candybar helps you lose
weight?"
still to come...
"there's an asteroid heading toward
the earth"
but first.." where to find
the cheesiest pizza in town?"
also a disturbing news' study
finds that studies are
disturbing
they get schizofrenic by the end
of it don't they?No wonder they snap
when they start talking to the weatherman
you've noticed it?it's it's everywhere
they go in some fantasy land
when they start talking to the weatherman
.."and now let's go to johny with
the weatherjonhy when you gonna stop
this rain and bring us some sunshine?"
"I'll stop the rain
when you'll stop the car-j. Collen..."
the weather is actually
the happiest part of the news
because at some point you're
going to hear something positive
you're going to hear"it's a
beautiful day"
or it's going to be a beautiful day
and it's nice to take in something
positive
because we hear all these negative stuff
and we go out into the world so
chaotic
and we're not going to see
it's a beautiful day, we move too fast
we not even paying atention to that
and we need help to keep up
to that pace so we put a cofee shop here
and a coffee shop here and
and the smallest coffee
isn't all
I'll have a coffee and
a red bull cause i'm
very very busy!
Ive got TBD and i'm late for
yoga..hurry hurry!
to even try to do yoga is a joke
isn't it?
i mean we're basically paying for silence
that's what we're doing with that time
we're paying for silence
i was in yoga the other day
I'm in full lotus position,..my mind is all
clear...I'm lookin out to my third eye
everything i'm suppose to be doing
it's amazing what comes up
when sit in that
that silence
..mama keeps whites..bright...
I can't stop that song!
there is no silence
there is a constant noise all the time
and people are talking all the time
and even with all the talking
there is no comunication
even when we say how are you
we don't mean how are you
we don't care, just give us a fine,
a good or a sibling answer and
move along
and don't even say "pretty good"
that's a following up, pretty good..
something happen..i don't have time..
we learn our condition not to engage
in full conversations, you know
because as soon as you
start to talk to somebody,somebody's
cell phone is gonna go off imediately
thank god they got rid
of those blare rings...huh?
and we certainly don't have
full conversations on cell phones
usually the reception is so bad
but it's only bad on your side
the person talking to you
have no clue, they just rambling
on and on
you've got your fingers jump
in your ears, you shu-sh-ing people on the
street, you dot behind the dumpsters
so you can hear about your friend's
new haircut.."what about the b..
are they shorter?"
are the ba..shorter?...
....the BAAAAAnnnnn...
at least if they are static
you have a warning, an indication
you're gona lose the call
you know, actually there is nothing
worse than to have a crystal clear
reception and you'd be rambling on...
for who knows how long
only to find out they cut you out
..who knows how long ago
you learn, you get scared to ever
have a full conversation
ever again..
you stop yourself in between
"hey so we're gonna go to the TCH shop/Hello?All right..
and so we knew that we have to have
a white wine/still there?
all right and
and i thought what kind of
cheese would be best/did i lose you?
all right
and I like mustard...
even you are on phone at home
you'd going to be interrupted by something
by call waiting usually
which initially was convenient
but turned into many people
choice awards, hasn't it?
and you find out right the way
who wins or loses
you have a pleasant conversation
with what you think is a
good friend
you hear a click..they tell you to hold
on, you're confident they're gonna
come back to you
and they come back and said
you know i have to take this other
call.. you know what that means?
what just they've said to the other
person?"Let me get rid of this
other call!"
that's what you
became
you don't need to take the other call
you just could to let it to the voice mail
that's why we have voice mails
to catch those calls we've missed
the voice mail i like the best
is that one that you insert your name
into it and you end up sounding more
like a robot than the robot
your call has been forwarded to an automatic
voice message system-ELLEN-is not available
my goodness
is that how i say my name?Yea,hi,
i like to make rezervations for dinner, there's
4 of us and the name is -ELLEN-aw!!
all this wireless tech. we can talk to
anyone anywhere anytime
and we just take that for granted
it wasn't that long ago that
we'd had that one phone in the house
cord just had been invented back then
there was a shortage of cord
maybe it had a foot or two
from the wall to the phone
back then when you'd said
you're on the phone
you were on the phone
then the kitchen wall phone
came along kind of avocado, mustard green
usually a groovy color
there was a lot of cord
was 19 foot cord between
you've could just walk all over the house
talking on the phone
clearing tables..wraping it
around the dog
so by the time you hang up that phone
it just became this giant ball of cord
confusion right there
but what was fun was so often
you'd hold that cord and let
the phone spin around itself and back again
good times..
we're loosing the simple pleasures
we don't have that anymore now
we have hands-free phones
so you can focus on the thing
you've really supposed to be doing
you know chances are like when you
need both yr hands to do something
your brain should be on it too
this is me..
technology..we have all those buttons
you know speed-dial, read-dial
you program numbers, you not have
to remember'em anymore
and so you don't
you know, use it or lose it
I'm losing it..
i just don't remember things anymore
because all that buttons remembering
things for me
you know have you ever forgot
what we're gonna say..
as it's coming out of your mouth?
hey you know what...
was i gonna say?was i gonna say?
suddelny forcing them to participate
we were talking about floor lamps?..no,
mariah carey?no
suddelny there's are thousand dollars piramid
for these people:things that taste like chiken?
things that monkey would wear?
that's right
we were talking about tiny hats
that's not bad when you forgot two words
in but what's worse in that is when you forget
what you gonna say after you've been talking
for a while...
whole bunch of people sitting around and talk
about some subject matter..hidious disc., they all
have opinions but you don't really..
but you suddelny think..
..hey maybe i do
so you jump in there
and you start things as a pretty good
opinion; when they gona hear this opinion
they would think hey she's smarter than I
thought she was, I had no idea how smart
she was
so you start to congrats yourself but because
you've started too soon you've completely
forgot the point you're trying to make..
and ..you're still talking
now they're looking at you like
you don't know what you are talking about
..and you don't but you can't let them know that
so you just keep talking praying
that point to come back to you
and it doesn't
so you start panic cause now you didn't
forgot only the point, you've completely
forgot the subject matter that e-body was talking about
so now you really start panicking
you start sweating,you have to loose yr tie
if you're a man or Diane Keaton or Avril Lavigne
and you just try to get out of it by
saying any generic statment that comes to your mind"well..six o one..
"it's a slippery..sl..p...my friend"
heheh..teach a man to fish and there is
no aim team"hehe
it's technology
it's hurtness i say
i blame the macrowave for most
of our problems
anything that gets that hot without a fire that's from the devil
you don't believe me then put a hot pack
over there for 3 or 4min
pop that thing in your mouth.
If that's not hell, ladies and
gentlemen I don't know what it is!!!
we're lazy, we have buttons doing everything
there is no physical activity attached to a-thing
anymore
even the garage door opening, we used to
get out of the car and open up the garage door
now there is a button you push
and the car window,this became "too much"
i don't want to turn buttons I just
wanna fresh air"
we still use that gesture if we want
someoneto roll their window down
in traffic, we still use that
even nobody's got it
because we'd look like idiots if
we did this...
we're lazy.we used to have breath ments
now we have breath strips
they just dizolve all on our tongue for us
how lazy..can we not suck anymore?
aa..put it on..aaa i'm tired
aaa...i ha.. a ha.. day!
we're lazy we're on the go we got
food on the go, we've got "go-gurt"
yogurt for people on the "go"
was there a big mobility problem
with the yogurt before?
no time consuming was it really
hello?oh hi Tom..
oh I've been dieing to see
that movie
uhmm..no..i just opened up
some yogurt..
uhmmm... i am in for the night
not even later..it's that kind
with the fruit on the bottom
umm thanks anyway
have fun..good night
that's a shame
and where we go there's food
there;s food everywhere
we've got abundance of food
we've got only "where can you eat"
places.We don't eat to be eating all
we can eat
we're not bears!we're not hibernating
we'll be back tomorrow night to eat
all that stuff
and only in the darkness of a movie theatre
we're not feeling guilty of eating a
3 pounds bag of..
we're stuck up on pop-corns and
candies as if we're crossing the Sierras
don't we?
"Hmm..you have any bns of hard..
or something like that?"
ok i'll have a couple of soft
petzel, a hot-dog..milk...is that the
largest pop-corn..that bucket?
you don't have the bear size or
anything like that?you have
a donkey...or anything?
i want a Diet-Coke...
there's something about the darkness
we lose all our inhibitions in the
darkness
is it the pop-corn really so delicious that
we must shovel our hands full of it
into our mouth?
then there are those people
that talk the whole time during
the movie
you've ever go with someodyto the movie
but you didn't realize till you get there
that you're with s-body like that?
brand new movie,first day it's open
you're there together and the entire
time they're sitting there
"where she going?"
"why he'd do that?
is he mad at her?"
i don't know let's watch it and
find out together, shall we?
you know who you are..
you're deying right now
"I do not do that!"
"why is she saying that?what's
she gonna say next?"
Then you have those people
that are sitting behind you and they have
that nervous foot
that just vibrates whole time
and it finds its way on the back of your
chair,
or they cross and uncross their legs and they
kick the back of your chair and you wanna
turn around and say"Please, stop it"
But you don't
this is how we try to get that point
with cross...
Don't they know the international signal
for "that's irritating!"?
or you have these people of the
rocking chair sits, they need to use your sit
back as leverage to get up out of their
sit behind you?
you're just like flying back for a second
there
if you're gonna be catapulted
out of there for a second
now acknowledgement, no
"I am sorry", no nothing. Thy're just walking
away with chunks of your weave in their hand..
People, honest, have to consider their
way, i find. I wouldn't mind more"please"
and "thank you-s"
that wouldn't hurt anybody
would it?
you ever hold the door for s-body
and they just walked thru right there?
no eye contact, no thank you, no nothing
you just stand there"well, you're welcome
your majesty!"
sorry i didn't sprinkle rose petals
for you
and then you meant to hold for just
one person but suddelny is like a clown crowd
let out, you just standing there..
nobody will take it from you...
you've ever run for an elevator and there's
somebody there and they see you
running and they're just...
like they don't want you
to make it! It's awkward
when you do make it!
-you didn't think you gonna make it
did you?well..you did...
if s-body's running for the elevator
I'm gonna try to hold the door.I'm gonna stick
my arm out untill it's too risky
and it's sometimes an elevator you haven't
been before and you can't find the panel
with those hieroglific arrows
and you don't know which one
to push? but i'm gonna let them know, as the doors are closing"I did all i could!"
we wanna be in there by ourselves
nothing wrong to admit that
it's a tiny little space, close proximity to a
stranger,silent..that's awkward..I would try
to break that silence by saying s-thing
aaaaaaa...first day on perole
or..hey wanna smell
something weird?
was funny to me as you won't say that
but you're think about it when you're there
with somebody and then you laugh
and then they wonder why you laugh and
then...
the levator, as a convenience it is a mood
of transportation, i'm all for it, takes you up
high, that's fantastic
but there are sure, way of transportation that
came along with.That moving side walk
on airport?
I can see, you get in the airport, get on
that thing,takes you right to the gate,
that's convenient
but no, that't in the middle of nowhere
one little section on airport
like a little ride in the middle of n-where.
What's that serving..I mean is fun
cos it's moving so if you're moving
you're like bionic woman....
the hard thing is adjust
walking again, once she get off
trying to find your pace...
what about the people who
get on there and they just stand there.
what's that about ?
thank got there're on there
and they don't have
to get anywhere
think that with even all these things
that speeding up things for us
and moving us along
that we get places earlier or
at least we're on time,you're still
have those ppl. that are late all the time
is one thing if you're late once in a while,
but these people are consistainly late
and they always have the same excuse
ah sorry..traffic
oh really? how'd you think i've got here?
"helicoptered" in???
then they got all of defensive
"sorry" and they would say it
like that they not mean it
not when it goes up in the middle
like that "soory" that's not sorry
that's like these ppl when they say
something, like that's insulting and they end
it with "kidding"...as like it erases or..s-how
-hey did you get a hair cut?hope you
didn't pay for that thing..I'm just kidding
well then you don't know how
to kidd properly cos we've
should both been laughing
i found a lot of people don't know how
to kid properly, people don't understand
the definition of "kidding"
you tell s-one something sad
-"my dog of 17y old just died"
-"you're kidding"...?
- no..as funny as that is..i'm not
people always say things that they not
mean, you know like people who
say always the worst things?
the paper cut , now that's always the
worst thing..is it?really? ok..
what about pickle juice in your eye that's
pretty bad isn't it?
you ever had pickle juice in your
eye?
boy those pickle jars, have you tried
to open them lately?boy..they're vacuum
sealed
you cannot open those jars,they're
so tight...
you know there was a time there was a
big old barrel at general store, you'd roll
up.. and dip in it...those days are gone...
now they're in the jars, vacuum sealed
you're trying to open 'em and you cannot
get'em..squating helps s-times.. actually
and you've got always one person
in the kitchen.."give it, I got 'em"...
to terminate you finally hand it over
and they just pop it right off
"-well i loosen it.."
and then once you get little off that's
for the dangerous "the pickle juice in the
eye" comes along
because the pickle juice is too
the top..they aren't kiddin around with
that juice are they?
man that juice is up and the pickles are
packed in there like..i wish they've packed
potatoe chips the way they packed pickles
it's all air there..there's just 6 potatoe
chips once you get the thing open...
pickles are packed in there like..
sardines
which btw, if you opened up or not
they're not packed tight like pickles.
that's ..we should change
so..now..
now we got to take the pickle out of
there and they're packed in there
like...pickels
and so then you need help and you're looking for that little stem that's still
attached to...the little dill handle if you will
ever so gently you try to lift..and it not comes off..and you knew it won't
but you try
so then you have to go into
the pickle claw
and the pickle clot
you know it ..you know it well
it's the same claw it's upside down
as the claw to get the spare toilet
paper roll that hasn't drop yet
notice next time..toilet paper claw
pickle claw..
then once you get the pickle out of
there,sprinkle juice in your eye..
i'm not saying is the worst thing
I'm saying is bad..
the worst thing is trying to get
into a brand new cd..am i right?
what is happening with those
packages of cd's.these are angry angry
ppl..these cd packagers
"open here"..is that ..sarcasm?
are they mocking me "open here"
and it's sealed with plastic..i've never seen
..thick thick government plastic..
that's government plastic
i've never seen that thick before
civilians can't buy it..
and it's like..are they trying to keep it fresh
why is it sealed in plastic?
and then you can't get into it so you
just slash it with scissors or knife and that's how you have to get into everything now
all the packaging now is like that
have you tried to buy scissors? you need
scissors to get into scissors
what if you're buying for the first time?
how you'd suppose to get in there???
battery are packaged like they don't want
you to get in there!
thick laminate plastic and thick carbon..and staples like from staple gun..
what can happen to the batteries?
and then try to buy a light bulb
thin thin thin carbon
open at both ends
what if they..
oh..but they will be fineee!
everything is different now: the packaging,
the way you open things...
toilet paper
have you tried to..if you get into a public
restaurant when the toilet paper hasn't got
started yet and you're the first one there
you got to find the start of it..so you start out slow at first
surely i've got it around once or twice..
and then you go fast
"maybe the wind would open the flap"
...
"maybe i'm going in the wrong way"
you go back..
then back to this way again..
and when you finally found it it is glued down!
they are glueing the first lap down
why?
so now you try to lift it and only
a quarter of an inch comes unglued
the rest of it stays glued so now you're pulling
and you've got 5foot long quarter strip
that you keep pulling and pulling
I don't want a streamer i want
toilet paper! This is no time to celebrate!
then you try to get it started,one whole-one,
there's a grove over there...then you just
shove your finger across
wasting most of the roll trying to
start it anew...
which never goes evenly..then you're starting
to claw like an wild animal...
"Jesus I just want toilet paper!"
what's happened with the toilet paper
btw, in the public bathrooms?There's not even
"one plain" there anymore..isn't it?
it's a sheer suggestion what toilet paper
used to be..it's a..
innuendo..a ghost..
it's so thin...
and then because is so thin, it's on that huge
cheese wheel size roll
it's like a spare tire roll of toilet paper
so the heaviness of the roll with the
thiness of the paper..try to move it alone it's
like just"please if i can have just more than one.."
please..i just..please just give me
15min later you got 5 squares in your hand
...
they're even make easier things that don't
even have to be easier
you know those toilets that are flashing
automatically now..which..
i don't decide it when i'm done
cause sometimes they go off randomely
you're just sitting there...
OMG...How dare you?!!!!
cause then they don't go off when you
want to .you just standing up and staring at
the toilet
you just sit down and fake it out again..
then you got to wash your hands and you
have no control over that either..the sink has
to see yr hands first underneath..
then you can't decide how much water y need
also;gives y a certain portion and y don't know how much y get so
you're like a little ratoon under there
and then it decides that's enough water and
it's not so, you have to pull out and go
pretend like new hands going back in again
and the dryer you put your hands there
quickly like that and all of this to avoid
germs
and you're walking to that disease full
door hand and open it up
and then you're all paranoid cause your friends
are waiting on the bar and you got in the bathroom for half an hour and feel weird
it's amazing how much time that we put
thought in thinking about what other ppl
are thinking about us
when everybody else are just thinking what
we thinking about them you know..
we're so comfortable with that uncomfortable
feeling that we get used with anything..
if s-body's talking to you and a tiny bit
of moisture comes out and lands on
your cheek
you know it's there...
they certainly know it's there...
and nobody acknowledge it,you just keep talking
directly in each other eyes, acting like that
didn't just happened..
wating them to just glance away
just for a second
so you can do that..
why?is it with that we insult them if they
saw us wipe that away..that you don't
want that there?!
why would you wipe my spill away??
everything makes us uncomfortable
have you ever waved s-body you're sure
it's them?
aww there's Nancy...
-ugh it's not Nancy
we've got stuffed it all inside...
it's really bad when you get out of the way
to get their attention isn't it?
oh look there's Nancy..
Nancy!!Nancyyy!!!
dgod...notngh..Nancy!!!
I thought you're someone else...
didn't look like Nancy?Let's go let's go
It looked like Nancy
or s-body's waving you and you
know you don't know them,
but you wave back anyway...
or if you are walking on the street
good day for you too, good self esteem day,
you're happy with the outfit, happy with your
hair,you're feeling real good about yrself..
it just takes one tiny trip to just
suck the coolness out of you
can't let that happen and soon as that
happen you have to get back right away
peeble..be carefull to the peeble i just trip
down there...
or we're going to denial..I was
just start running anyway.I didn't trip
just gonna run...
like we're fooling the people across the way
"oh she trip??naw..just running.."
i thought she trip but she's running...
she stopped..she did trip!
"you tripped!!!"
she tripped!
you've ever walked into a plate glass window?
two things are happening there
pain and embarassment
but pain takes the back sit
to embarasment doesn't it?
no matter how much pain you're in,
if ppl are laughing you just laugh along
with them..you did..
bam!!!
I just slam it, didn't I?
Isn't that funny? it's so clean
and shiny!!!
someone should stick on it a
happy face or something!
oh my...is that blood?
I'm bleeding...isn't that funny??
I'm bleeding...
can you help me find my eye???
I lost my eye...hahaha...
I cannot FIND my eye!
when you are with someone and they
are singing a song that you love
and they're singing it like you've never
sung it before
and suddelny you realize you were singing
the wrong words all along ..?
"does it have it" that's how they're singing
it out there...
you're thinking yourself.."why i have been
singing monkey's ...?"
how many people heard me
singing monkey hutch...?
we all have songs that we don't know the
words too..you know
some songs..you don't even bother try learning
the words cause you assume n-body
knows them..
you know..that Aretha F. song "Respect",that's
been around long time so and we always get to
that part:R-e-s-p-e-c-t..find what that means....
certain songs are weird.. that some songs
are hits and some songs aren't hits
like that Respects..that's a song you've hear..
and that's gonna be a smash hit
cause it;s about Respect...and who doesn't want
to sing along with that?but certain songs..
that Peter P and Mary song
"If i had a hammer"???
that was a huge hit!I don't know why???
i think that song was written for the ppl
who don't have hammers!
cause before i had a hammer I'd probably
thought to myself "If i had a hammer...
I would hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening..
I'd hammer all over this land
if i had a hammer!!!
once you get a hammer you find out
that you cannot hammer as much as you think
you would
I love music, music is so important i think
it's so powerfull
you can be in one mood, one state of mind,you
hear a song and you trasport, you see, it
changes your emotions..just by hearing a song
and even with our DDD and our memory loss
you can hear a song that you loved in the
5-th grade and remember every single word
of it
and that's how powerful music is.and certainly
songs, people respond differently at diff.music
because it usually tells a story that we relate to
and for me..mine is Salt 'n Pepper's
"Shhop"
what a beautiful tale..
oh here i go..here i go
here i go again..girls what's my weekness?
men..
so for me that song
that song tells my story but
everyone has a different one
I know the words of that song because it was
an old song,kind of, and it was on radio all the time
and i used to drive along and sing to it
and you didn't hear about road rage back then
people'd drive and sing all the time
and it's happening less and less now,
now people are multitasking while they're
driving
they're driving and talking on the phone, and
putting on make-up and shaving which makes me
so nervous when i see that leg upon the dash..
we're doing all these things
to squeeze things together
so we can save time
and i don't know about it but i don't have
more time, i have less time
but let's say just we could save a big chunk
of time and sit it aside.You know what we'd do
with it?Nothing!
nothing.isn't that the point"to be able to
be doing nothing at all"?
but we're not guaranteed that later on
chunk of time, all we have is here and now
and that's why procrastination feels so right
procrastination is not the problem,it is the
solution
it is the universe saying "stop..slow down...
you're moving too fast"
listen to the music..wow..wow..listen to
the music..
because the music makes people come together
make the Bush wild ...and the rebels, so
common ppl now, smile to your brother and
everybody try love one another
because what the world needs now is love, sweet
love and i know love is a battle field but
boogie on it reggae woman
because you'll make it after all
so celebrate good times ..common
i've got to stop I've got to come to my senses
cause i've been right on fences for so long
opps i did it again
what i'm trying to say is..if you leave here tonite
and you don't remember anything else that i said
leave here and remember this:
Procrastinate now, don't put it off!
translated, syncronized and "hard worked"
by ditto aka "dele" sorry for mistakes
it's cause the.."procrastination"