1
Myles, turn it off and
get ready for school --
I'm not going to tell you again!
Hi. My name's Kazim Adedayo,
and I am the founder and
co-owner of Speedi-Kazz.
"What's that?"
Speedi-Kazz is an errand service
that picks up whatever you need
and delivers it straight
to your front door.
Where are you lot hiding the cameras?
Sorry what? Look, hold on.
Psst, big man. Big man!
- Where is she, then?
- What?
Stop being dumb, man! Where's Kazzandra?
Look, I haven't got time
for your games, yeah?
So if you and your reality TV
show don't get away from my door,
I'm going to call the
mandem down here and...
Oh, no, no! Look, um... Look.
I received a message from this
address requesting for the service.
Ahh, this boy! Myles!
- Why you always shouting my...?
- Shut your mouth and explain this!
Basically, one of my
bredrens told me about
this new delivery service,
Speedi-Kazz, and I thought I'd
do something nice and get one
of your jackets dry cleaned.
I swear you lot already paid for it.
Yeah, he's right, madam.
As you're Speedi-Kazz's fourth
customer, on behalf of the company,
we have already covered the
cost of your dry cleaning.
Erm... OK, well... get yourself
ready for school, then, Myles.
Are you blind? Can't you see I'm going?
All right, then. Well, have a nice day.
Mum, I don't need a kiss. I'm...
Stop! All right...!
He thinks I'm his mate.
Yeah, but I don't know if I'm
coming back for third year.
Yeah, but surely you understand
that I don't want to pay
nine grand for something I
might not even be doing.
Yeah, but I thought the student
finance deadline was months away.
I... I didn't get the e-mail.
Look, I'm going to have
to call you back. Yeah.
Yep, I'll call you back.
Hi Speedi-Kazz services,
Jeremiah speaking.
What have I told you?
- What? - Let the business phone
ring out longer. All right?
- People will think we ain't
busy, you know? - But we aren't.
But your mum.
- What you saying?
- You good? How'd the delivery go?
Yeah, it was calm, man. Proper.
Our name's getting out there, you know?
- How are you late, man?
- Oh, just family stuff, innit?
Brother, you've got to separate
family and business, you know?
- Professionalism, yeah?
- Kaz! I'm sorry.
I got something for you.
Read it with an open mind, all right?
Kaz, we're just recording
a two-minute video.
We explain who we are,
what the business is about
and then we're done -- we
don't need a script, bruv.
Hey, the deadline for the
application is today.
We need some sort of structure!
Listen, brother, we
smash this application,
we make it through to
the interview stages.
We make it through to
the interview stages,
we smash that -- how
much do they give us, J?
- Nah, you're just going to...
- How much do they give us, J?
Go on...
50,000.
Money, money, money, money! Eh!
Money!
Money, money, money, money! Eh!
Laugh, laugh. Laugh for once in your life.
Look, just remember, we
ain't the only business
applying for funding, yeah?
I hear dat, I hear dat, brother.
Anyway, look man, I've got to bounce.
- Got a quick Skype meeting
to attend to. - With who?
- Your mum.
- Of course.
Meet me at the printing
shop for 2:30. All right?
- We need to hand out some more flyers.
- All right, OK.
And don't forget your debit card, bro.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why am I bringing my debit card?
- I asked for 200 extra flyers
to be printed out. - Kaz!
Bro, bro, bro, I would
have got this one, yeah?
- But, like, all my money's gone.
- So why didn't you ask me first?
Just use the money from your savings.
- No, bruv, you should have
asked me... - Hey! Hey!
Look, five or six years
down the line, yeah,
these investments will be nothing.
We're just starting out,
so chill out. You get me?
All right?
All right! You get me!
- All right. Meet me at
2:30, all right? - All right.
Keep it speedy, brother. Cool.
- Hey, Dad!
- Kazo, Kazo! How are you?
Mo wa OK. Bawo ni tings in Nigeria?
My son can speak Yoruba now?!
How are things with me? I am fine.
Kazim, where's your mum?
She's gone to yoga with Aunt Bola.
Kazim, can you wire me some money?
Just for a few investments, you know?
Erm, Dad, remember? I don't do the
kid entertainment stuff any more.
I'm running Speedi-Kazz full time now.
What is speed...? Who is speeding, boy?
No, Speedi-Kazz -- the
name of my business.
Ah...
~
Dad, are you OK?
Kazim? Just tell your mother to
wire 80 into my account, hmm?
I have to go. I have a few
meetings. Just 80, please.
Yeah. I'll speak to you soon.
I love you.
You all right, brother? You good?
This for you. I'll see you soon.
All right, take care. Hello! Put that...
Hi. Hi.
- I recognise you -- Andre?
Jermaine? - Kaz... - Leon?
- Kaz. Kaz!
- Yeah?
I don't think we should be standing
outside the school gates like this.
Yeah? It doesn't feel right.
After today's delivery,
yeah, I deeped it. Yeah?
Young people -- that's
our targeted audience!
Hey, hey, all they have to do is
put us on Snapchat, all right?
We go viral -- boom!
Speedi-Kazzy makin' moneyz.
Yeah, but it still
doesn't feel right, bruv.
Hey, giving birth --
would that feel right?
I wouldn't know.
I heard it feels like you're taking a poo.
But it's still got to happen, brother.
Part of human cycle and all that.
But that's not the same thing.
That's what they want you to think.
- What?!
- What?!
Excuse me, do you have a girlfriend?
Um... No.
You're really peng.
OK.
So, what do you do?
We're entrepreneurs. Yeah? That's
what we do. Take this, gyaldem.
All right? Speedi-Kazz will
pick up whatever you need.
It could be clothes, it could
be food, pregnancy tests!
I won't tell your mum! Yeah...
- Yeah?
- So is this your number, yeah?
It's the business number.
Yeah? You're going to call.
You're going to call, aren't you?
Go on. I'll hear from you later.
Bye, peng ting!
Keep it Speedi.
- Keep it Speedi, yeah?
- What's wrong with you?
Brother... Brother...
Bro... you know what I clocked, yeah?
Hot wings are actually not hot.
They're just warm.
Doesn't... Doesn't make
sense, to be honest.
- Why would you do that?
- Come now, bad man.
What happened to you
earlier, man, with dem girls?
You should have got them
to use the service, bro.
You were just standing
there like "Err...".
Look, I don't like girls that
compliment me like that, all right?
- It weirds me out.
- Shut up. You're a liar. OK?
Cos in college you was always with a girl.
Yeah, but I didn't do nothing.
They just come up to me, put
their number in my phone,
the next thing you know it's like,
"Oh, will you come over
tonight? Dot, dot, dot, dot..."
I just want a girl for me.
You know what I'm saying?
I just want her to want me for
me and not just... for my body.
Yeah, yeah... Yeah, yeah,
defo relate. Defo, man.
I relate, like...
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl who's...
Yeah something like that.
Sorry... We wanted to inquire about, um...
S-Speedi-Kazz.
Come, come! "Targeted audience."
All right, what can I get you lot?
If we, erm, if we make an
order, will Kazzandra, er...
actually be there? And
then will she, erm...
.. will she do... stuff?
Who's Kazzandra?
We're good, yeah?
Welcome to Speedi-Kazz.
That's our name...
Kazzandra, 12 guys today,
12 minutes -- can you do it?
Don't ask silly questions, Jaime!
International. Guy number one,
take your place. Time starts now.
Oh!...
No, no, no, what's this? Oh, nah, man.
Ka...
I can't... That's our name, bruv!
- Who sent you that video,
brother? Brother... - Kaz...
.. come, come, where
you get the video from?
Yo, yo, it's fine.
You registered the name, yeah?
So it's calm, we'll sort it. Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah...
- Relax, man.
You registered our name, right?
Yes.
You registered our name, right?
I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
- I need a girl to make my wife...
- Oh, come on!
All right, real safe,
yeah? In a bit. Cool.
All right, good news.
My boy Raz told me about
this lawyer, yeah?
He said that's she buss 82%
of mandem on ends, yeah?
She's the one for us, let's go.
All right, so how much
does she cost an hour?
Yeah.
How much does she cost an hour, Kaz?
- 90. - No, bruv! We can't afford
that! What's wrong with you?
- Hey, hey, hey...
- Why you do this to me, bruv?!
Brother, brother, just
trust me, all right? Yeah?
The number one rule to a
successful business -- trust.
I know what I'm doing.
This lawyer's what we need.
Stop crying, yeah?
It's hay fever, fam.
Come man, let's roll, let's roll. Come on.
Fix up your face, man.
Come on... Hey, J, hey.
Fix up, look sharp!
Gonna... yeah... Get dark!
If you knew the song,
that joke would've banged.
- I know the song.
- Who sang it?
- Tinchy.
- Yeah, sure...
No, no! Skepta obviously.
- Now you're just being racist.
- How is that...?
That's you confusing me, you
know? I know Kano sung the song!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyone for Uber?
No Uber?
OK. Fine.
- Speedi-Kazz?
- Hey! Let's go, come on.
- Now, listen you call me when
you get there, OK? - Yes, I will.
And can you take some photos -- I'd
like to know what she looks like.
Mum, you're both moving on,
remember? That's what we agreed.
- I'll tell Dad you said hi.
- Thank you.
Sorry, I just need to get my coat.
Oh...
Thanks.
You've got a really nice face.
Hey, hey.
Speedi-Kazz -- name of our new business.
We're entrepreneurs.
- Oh, cool, thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Bye, Mum.
- Bye, darling.
- Right...
- Focus. Come on, man.
.. before we start, I have to ask...
.. have either of you ever been to jail,
or are you currently on the run?
No.
No.
Great.
So, it would appear you gentlemen
forgot to register your trademark?
- Kazim!
- Your mum.
I've got to be honest with you --
it would be entirely pointless
to raise any kind of legal action
against a porn site for using a name
that you haven't even registered.
That's exactly what I told him,
so no offence, but this is a
waste of time and money, so...
Please proceed.
So this is Jaime... Tulu-lopp-eh?
Too... Tolu-lop... Tolu-lopp-eh?
Yes? Yes. He created the site
Jaime's Den two years ago.
And I had a chance to watch
the video you sent me.
That Kazzandra woman is something else.
Horrifying. Yeah.
Hey, sorry... um...
just haven't got a lot of time
left, so can we just... Yeah?
Let's talk about our name.
- Well, you've got two
options, darling. - Go on.
Option one -- change your name.
Not happening. Option two?
You could try and arrange a
meeting with Jaime's team,
but to be honest, I think
you're just wasting your time.
You're better off just changing your name.
Kaz, it's over.
Look, when did you launch your business?
Officially -- three weeks ago.
Well, you're fine, then!
Just change your name...
No, it's our name! I'm not having it, man!
No shouting in my office, please.
What office? This place
is a shack, all right?
I find that very disrespectful.
OK, OK, time out, Don't do... No...
Listen, listen, yeah? It's over.
Let's just change the name. Yeah?
So many businesses don't end up
with the name they start with...
Brother, look, look, look, we aren't
"so many businesses", all right?
We're Speedi-Kazz, yeah?
Kaz, let's just change the
name and keep it moving.
We've still got to record
this video, yeah? So come on!
- What you doing?
- No, no. Wait. You wait.
Ka... Oh!
Yeah. Yeah? You see this, brother?
This is my life. All right?
I'm not sure about you, but I'm
serious about this business.
I've come too far to just let it
go. We can't allow this Jaime guy
to come and just take our name like that.
No, let's fight back, all right?
Come on, let's go to
his offices today, yeah?
- We're going to go and see Jaime.
- Good luck, lads.
Just make sure you leave the
money in the pot before you go.
Oh, excuse me.
What do you want, Frank?
I don't care what the judge said.
Yeah, well, you're fat.
You lot brothers, yeah?
Nah, nah, we're business partners.
I had a business once...
The mandem snaked me!
Threw me under the bus.
Watch out for the snakes
in the grass, you man, yeah?
Got to be like a lawnmower.
Allow.
Good luck with the
business, you man, yeah?
Hey, when you go outside,
if you see Abdullah,
tell him I said...
Hmm?
Too much swag, too much juice.
We in France, we getting loose.
Bars, bars, bars! Yeah,
I like that! Skills.
Yeah, I made this one a couple months ago.
International.
- It's really good, man.
Really, really good. - Mm.
Anyway, tell me a little
bit more about yourselves.
So, I started in the
business alone at first.
Then I met Jerry at a party and we just...
Do you know how to twerk?
No.
No problem.
Anyway, was it weird, working
so close together at first?
Um... kind of.
But we just got used to it
in the end, I guess, right?
Sorry, he's not normally like this.
So, Jaime, the reason why we're here
is to talk about our business name.
- It looks like we...
- Call yourselves what you like.
I don't care about that.
What I care about is how I can make
you guys stars in the business.
So you mean... we get to keep our name?
I don't see why not.
The industry cares about you
-- not about your business name.
Exactly! You have made
my day, you know, brother!
Thank you so much. I appreciate it, man.
You good? You all right? Thank you, man.
Let's celebrate.
Ah, this guy!
Thank you.
Cheers.
- Cheers. Keep it Speedi!
- That's right!
- International!
- Inter-na-tion-al!
Mm!
So... you guys all chill, right?
Yeah, man, cool.
I can't get you anything else?
- Um... nah. - Contracts...
- Yeah, we're cool.
Jaime, I guess all we need to do
is just go through the contracts,
paperwork, then we'll just bounce...
Don't worry about that. We
can... We'll deal with that later.
Kazim, right?
Kazim...
Why don't you touch Jeremiah a little bit?
Just... Yeah.
OK... Come on.
Smile, bro.
Speedi-Kazz -- we outchere!
Get off me.
He thinks we're in the
porn business, Kazim.
- Bro, what's wrong with you?
- Look at that corner of the room.
- Huh?
- Just look!
Hey. Come on, guys...
No... No, no, no!
No, no. Sorry, no. No,
no, stop, please. No. No.
I don't understand.
No, no, Jaime...
.. we're not here to do sex stuff.
Then why are you here?
Because our business name
is called Speedi-Kazz,
and that's the name of
one of your channels,
- so we wanted to ask you if we
could have... - No, thank you.
Please leave.
Garry! Hey.
Yeah, send the next couple.
- Jaime, Jaime. Jaime, look!
Show him. - Huh? - Show him.
What? Show. Him.
Oh! Oh! OK.
- You're mad.
- Yes. Absolutely.
Look, Jaime, clearly getting
a permanent tattoo before
registering our name wasn't the
best idea, but... this is his dream.
- It's my dream, man.
- It's...
It's our dream. And,
look, it's just us, OK?
No support, not from our
family, not from our parents.
My parents did the same.
They refused to let me record
them having sex for my website.
No support.
OK! Look, Jaime, all we're
asking, yeah, is, could you please
change the name of your
Speedi-Kazz channel on the site?
Just give us the rights and then
we'll go, you never have to...
Boy-boy-girl, I think. Hi,
Jaime, can I have a word outside?
No problem.
I've got work to do. You've got to go.
- Jaime...
- Please. Please.
Please, please. Please.
- What do you mean "no"?
- Jaime, calm down.
No! I will not calm down!
You can't come here and tell me
Kazzandra is about to be deported
and expect me to be calm.
- Didn't the lawyers sort
out her papers? - Yes!
I mean, they tried but...
Maybe we can go to the Home
Office and give them a little...
How about that?
This is England, not Senegal, Jaime.
Look, boys...
.. with business I need to crack on.
So, as Simon's cow would
say, "It's a no from me."
- Please....
- Don't beg, don't cry...
.. just leave.
However...
.. if you do me a small, small favours,
I will personally sign over
the name Speedi-Kazz to you.
No. No. Kaz, he's lying. Yeah? Come on.
I've got the documents right here.
Just a small, small favours.
Your call.
We good? All right, recording.
- Ready, bro? - Don't
touch me. - Sorry, sorry.
- Hi! - Hi. - My name is
Kazim Adedayo. - Jeremiah.
- And we are, together, Speedi-Kazz.
- S-Speedi-Kazz.
Who we are -- first of all, our
name belongs to us and no-one else,
if anyone is wondering.
Judges, we want this 50,000
because we believe we deserve it.
- I can't do this.
- And when we go to...
- Jerry sit down. - I can't
do it. - Jerry sit down.
- We worked very hard for this.
- Why's your bed like that, bruv?
Hey, judges, as you're
watching... Just sit down.
Bro, come on, man, you don't
need to do this right now.