1
Somebody's drivin' my car
Somebody's usin' my name
Somebody's kissin' my girl
So why am I doin' time?
This ain't no pink champagne
Doin' time
This is a ball and chain
Doin' time
This ain't no swank hotel
Doin' time
This is a mile-wide hell
If it don't fit the crime
How come you get off,
and I'm doin' time?
Somebody bake me a cake
You'd better sneak in a file
You'd better buy me a judge
I've been set up,
and I'm doin' time
This ain't no pink champagne
Doin' time
This is a ball and chain
Doin' time
This ain't no swank hotel
Doin' time
This is a mile-wide hell
Honey, please don't leave me
hangin' here
Can't you see
the end is near?
Its a crime
You get off,
and I'm doin' time
Bobby, run!
Hold it! Red light!
Green light!
Go!
Okay, go! Lets go!
Red light.
Green light.
Did you hear that?
It came from over there.
Locked.
Freeze!
Oh, hi, fellas.
Hi.
Ernest, how many times
do I have to tell you
about bank procedure?
Do you realize
you could've caused
a serious accident here,
perhaps even a blood bath?
This man is a coiled cobra
ready to strike
at the slightest irregularity.
I'm sorry, fellas.
- - I-I just got to
workin' on this old polisher switch,
and I just forgot.
Okay.
I'm gonna let you off this time
because you're one of us
and you work at the bank.
Yeah.
But I won't always have
this job.
Someday I'll be able to wield
the financial muscle
of this institution.
I'll be able to
move assets around
like chessmen
on a financial chessboard.
Someday corporate managers will
shudder in their wingtips
at my approach,
for I will be... a bank clerk.
Aah!
Ow! Ow!
A- A-A-A-A-Ah!
Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Bob, I'm sick of this
police band.
Lets listen to something
with kick to it!
Yeah!
Help! Chuck!
Ouch! Aah!
Oh!
It won't turn off!
Help! Help! Help!
Aah!
Don't make me climb
These aren't
my tree-climbing shoes
Stop! Stop!
Huh?
Whoa!
You can't go up
the wa-a-a-a-ll!
Ow! Ow!
Aah!
Aah!
... tree-climbing shoes
Uh...
Huh?
Uh! Uh!
Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!
Uh! Uh! Uh!
Yaa! Yaa!
Uh! Uh! Uh!
Yaa! Yaa!
Aaaaah!
Anyway, man,
monkeys have been up there
Yes, put that down!
Put that down!
Ah heh heh heh heh heh.
Huh?
What?
Uh!
My hands are stuck!
I'm doomed!
Aah!
Security check five.
No problem.
Man: There has been a breach
in security.
All prisoners,
return to your cellblocks.
Hey, you!
Mr. Nash,
you got to help me.
I just killed a guy.
What about it?
You got to help me!
I help no one who can't help me.
Its your mess, Rubin.
You clean it up.
Mr. Nash, you...
you got to do something!
Help me!
Good morning, Frank.
Morning, Chuck.
Did you have a problem
last night?
N-Nothing we couldn't handle.
Oh.
Not again today.
You might as well go ahead and, uh,
show him some kind of I.D., Miss Sparrow.
I have to, and I'm his brother.
What in the Sam Hill
do you think you're doin'?
Ernest?
Ernest!
Oh.
What happened?
Uh... uh, I-I was just
guardin' the money...
you know, bein' extra careful,
uh, walkin' that extra mile.
Ernest, this is the biggest
mess you've ever made.
If Mr. Pendlesmythe
sees this...
It wasn't my fault.
They followed me in here.
It was awful.
You can't imagine...
especially these two.
Ernest, whatever happened, you've got to
clean it up now. Come on. I'll help you.
Did you read those books
that I gave you?
I tried, but
they were real tough.
There weren't any pictures,
and the print was real small.
Ernest, you've got to work hard
if you want to get ahead.
I know, but I get discouraged.
And besides, Mr. Pendlesmythe's
not gonna give me a chance.
Ernest, you got to
believe in yourself.
Y-You've got to have
faith in the system.
You're right, Charlotte.
After all,
I am Ernest P. Worrell,
an upwardly mobile American
at his best,
and I know that
if I pay my taxes, bathe,
and floss regularly,
I will ascend the ladder
of success, hand over foot.
Ernest, do you think
the floor needs a polish?
Come on. Walk this way.
Come on.
Two minutes for me, man.
Man:
Attention to cellblock...
exercise time is over
in five minutes.
Today's your deadline, Eddie.
I want that money you owe me.
I'm sorry, Mr. Nash.
I just need a little more time.
Not good enough, Eddie.
Lyle...
See if you can help Eddie
with his attitude.
I'll get it for you.
I swear.
Oh, I know that, Eddie.
The question is when.
Tomorrow...
I'll get it for you tomorrow.
Today's your deadline.
I hate to encourage tardiness.
Please...
I'll get it for you tonight.
I swear.
See that you do, Eddie.
See that you do.
There.
All cleaned up.
That should pass
Mr. Pendlesmythe's inspection.
Right you are, Charlotte.
And Mr. Poodlesmurf is lucky
to have me on his team.
As a matter of fact,
one of these days,
I'm gonna walk into that office,
and I'm gonna say...
- "Oscar, babe..."
- What?
Uh, good morning,
Mr. Puddlesmoot...
Smiddlepit...
Smooglepoot...
Pendlesmythe, you idiot!
Uh, yes, sir.
Can't you get anything right?
Why are you
such a screw-up?
Ernest, you've got to be
more careful.
I know.
I'll never get to be a clerk.
I'll be lucky if they let me
stay on as a janitor,
know what I mean?
Hey, maybe I can help you
with that promotion.
All you need is a little
more self-confidence.
You're right, Charlotte.
I need to think more positive.
I need to think...
I'll get that job.
Why, that man is putty
in my fingers.
I'm just toyin' with him now,
like a kitten with a June bug.
I was just thinking that, uh,
- Yeah, like a...
- Since you're not working tomorrow
that maybe we could get
together,
talk about the job,
maybe have dinner.
Dinner?
Did you say "dinner"...
like just the two of us
in the same town on the same
day in the same restaurant,
possibly at the same table?
Well, yes, but...
just as friends, right?
I mean just as friends. I mean, we'll
get together, we'll talk about the job.
I can give you
some, uh, insights
based upon my experience.
Experience.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I suggest you bring
your willpower, young woman.
Be forewarned... the
Worrell charm is merciless.
Oh, sure, Charlotte.
You just want to show me...
the ropes.
You just want to give me
a leg up to the bottom rung
of that little ladder
called "success."
Oh, yeah.
Come on, Rimshot.
We have to choose
just the right ensemble.
No.
Too formal for dinner.
Ah, the perfect choice...
European styling with
a decidedly American flair.
Charlotte has more
than a professional interest
in yours truly.
And who can blame her?
I've never understood
why I have such a profound
effect on women,
but why argue with success?
Yeah, I'm a man who has just
found his parking space
in the fast lane.
Who knows what lies ahead
for such a man?
Aah-aah-aah-aah!
Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!
Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!
Aah-aah-aah!
Ahhhhhh...
Wh-o-o-o-oa! Uh!
Well, there's my problem
right there.
Looks like this little wire's
got a little sh...
...hhhhhhhhhhhhh...
...ort in it.
Gosh! Not again.
Woman:
Oh!
Bonsoir.
Dinner for two?
Right.
I'll be your waiter
this evening.
You may call me Philippe.
I'll just give you a moment
to look over your menu.
I had a long talk
with Mr. Pendlesmythe today.
It took a lot of convincing,
but he agreed to accept
your application
for the clerk's job.
He did?
But the thing is...
y-you've got to be
more careful.
I just know I can win him over.
We'll have that little talk
around the old water cooler
about... team sports
and transmissions,
jock itch... things that just guys
talk about, know what I mean?
I'll have him eatin'
Right out of the palm of my hand.
I know that its hard, Ernest,
But Mr. Pendlesmythe can't stand mistakes.
And between you and I,
I don't think he can stand people, either.
Oh, thats okay.
I'm not like other people, know what I mean?
Frankly, Ernest,
I don't even know
why you want the job.
I mean, he's a horrible man
to work for.
At least where you are now,
you only have to see him
once a day.
Want to hear something
really funny?
- - I thought
I was gonna get promoted
to branch manager
this time last year.
What a laugh, huh?
Y-Yeah, but did you hear the one
about the 3-legged dog
That walked into the saloon and said,
"I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my
'paw"'?
Ah heh heh heh heh.
Ernest, this is fun.
I mean, you're pretty
good company.
I come from a long line
of bon vivants.
We're known for our charm, wit,
and sparkling dinner conversation,
know what I mean?
Ernest?
Ernest, are you all right?
I recommend the lobster.
Ah heh heh. Ah heh heh heh.
Sir.
Man: There he is.
Hey, warden,
we don't come to your house.
Open C-12.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the infamous
Mr. Nash.
My sources tell me
that you and your guard dog
got in some trouble yesterday
down in the weight room.
Just mindin'
my own business, warden,
somethin' you might want
to try sometime.
Now, you can make things
easy on yourself,
or you can make 'em hard.
Its up to you.
You hear me, Nash?!
Yeah, I hear you, warden.
Now you hear me.
When you step out
of that cozy little office,
you're on my turf.
And if I were you,
I would watch my step.
If thats a threat,
its a weak one.
Your day's comin'
real soon, Nash...
and we both know it.
Man: Close C-12.
I've got to get out
of this place.
Chuck:
Ernest, you wouldn't believe
the new security system
we have for the van...
maximum protection
and minimum carnage...
And three levels of power!
Ernest, I...
Thanks, Chuck.
Thanks, Bobby.
I'm not finished talkin'
to you about this!
This is really neat!
Here, Rimshot.
Here, boy.
Thats a good boy.
How you been?
Miss your daddy?
Good boy.
Lets see what we got
in the mail.
All right!
Down you go.
Wow!
This is great!
I don't believe it!
Jury duty!
Look, Rimshot!
I've been chosen for jury duty!
This is great!
Chuck!
Bobby!
Chuck! Bobby!
Alley-oop.
Uh-oh.
I hate this minefield.
Its a miracle!
I'm so happy! I'm ecstatic!
Uh, uh, its a dream come true!
Chuck, Bobby, guess what!
Ernest, you're in the line
of fire! Move it!
Go! Pick 'em up, put 'em down!
Go! Go! Go!
I hate this part!
Ow!
I'm the luckiest guy
in the whole world.
They chose me.
Out of hundreds of thousands
of other people,
they chose me for
United States jury duty.
Isn't that great?
Yeah, great.
Bobby, soup's on!
I mean, the
opportunity to decide...
right or wrong, good or evil,
regular or unleaded,
to hold a man's life in the
palm of my hand and decide,
"Should I crush it...
or allow it to go free
like a bird
on the wings of time?"
Burn him.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
one of the most precious
guarantees in our Constitution
is that of a fair trial.
Every defendant has the right
to one.
This defendant is no exception.
It is you who must decide
his case, not I.
You must weigh the evidence
carefully.
Counselor, you may proceed.
Thank you, your honor.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the state will prove that
the defendant, Rubin Bartlett,
who is a known henchman
of the notorious crime czar
and bank robber Felix Nash,
did, in fact, murder
- - A fellow
prisoner while in jail.
And for this,
the state asks that you extend
his remaining time
of five months
into a sentence of life
without parole.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the defense will show
that the deceased was not
killed by my client.
In fact,
he wasn't killed by anyone.
He died as the result
of a tragic accident,
when, in a poorly lit stairwell,
he tripped over
an inadequately placed railing
and plunged, regrettably,
to his death.
If there is a guilty party
in this case,
it must surely be the system,
to allow such unsafe
conditions to exist.
Once you've heard the evidence,
I'm sure you'll agree with me
that the charges against
my client, Mr. Bartlett,
are completely spurious,
and that you will find him...
not guilty.
Ah heh heh heh.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you all right?
Uh, just fine, thank you.
This guy looks
exactly the same as Nash.
Are you crazy?
I...
look, the guy's perfect.
Its downright uncanny.
We can't just...
It'll work.
It will.
Your honor... to allow the jury
to fully understand
the case for the defense,
we feel as though its imperative
that they see the environment
within which this
unfortunate accident occurred.
Therefore, we move that
these proceedings be continued
to the site
of the alleged crime.
Well, I find this request
highly irregular.
However, if the prosecution
has no objections...
Prosecutor: Uh,
no objections, your honor.
So be it.
These proceedings will reconvene tomorrow at
10:00 a.m. At the Dracup Correctional Facility.
Oh, boy!
A field trip!
I'm telling you...
this guy is right on the numbers.
Its so simple.
Towel.
We make the switch,
you get in on the jury
and find me innocent,
then you walk away a free man,
and I make sure this guy Ernest
gets whats coming to you.
In and out...
wham, bam...
and its over.
Yeah.
I'm a real big fan
of the early release program.
Attorney: I would like to thank
the members of the jury
for bearing with us.
Dracup Prison is...
Okay, Lyle, we got one shot
at this, so make it count.
... there are those
that must endure its reality.
So, what we are here
to talk about today...
is death... horrible...
frightening,
something to be avoided.
But is death murder?
Is murder death?
I think not.
And yet, though we must feel
some sympathy for the victim,
we cannot...
Psst!
By wrongfully accusing...
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is exactly what...
The state has made no case.
Psst!
They've presented
no compelling evidence.
Come here, you.
Why? Because there is none...
Am I me?
Nash: Come here.
Huh?
We don't dispute that.
Of course, all of us,
as reasonable human beings,
mourn them...
Ugh!
Attorney: Certainly...
Hurry up, Lyle.
And keeping this in mind,
I would like to move these
proceedings to the staircase...
Man: Right this way,
please.
Heh heh heh.
All right, Rubin, lets go.
Nash! Wake up!
No napping
during exercise period.
No talking.
Yes, sir, officer,
whatever you say.
Boy, this is great!
A brief workout
to gather our thoughts,
then its off to
the jury room to decide...
very ingenious.
And they even gave us
these nifty workout clothes.
Boy, I love jury duty,
don't you?
Whatever you say,
Mr. Nash.
Oh, you don't have to be
so formal.
You can just call me Ernest,
Ernest P. Worrell.
Hey! You know the rules.
No talking.
Yes, sir.
Kind of strict, aren't they?
Man: Cellblock B-29,
move to the left.
The rest of you, move...
Man 2: "C" to the left,
"D" to the right.
Ah, lunch...
how thoughtful.
For the mind to work,
the body must have fuel.
A lot of jurors here today.
There must be
a lot of trials going on...
a sad commentary
on our disintegrating society,
know what I mean?
Man: All right,
brace it up.
Oh, uh, I don't think
our table has any steak sauce.
Get up!
I-I'm sorry.
Where are my manners?
I should have waited
for the others.
Eat, greaseball!
I didn't order greaseball.
Wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
Man: All right,
stand to the back.
Backs against the wall.
Open up "C" block.
- - All right,
lets move it!
Come on, come on,
come on, lets go.
Ernest: We're sequestered,
a- and on top of that,
we can't even leave.
Oh, this is great.
This is just great.
Uh!
I hope you've got a good
story to tell my boss.
After all, I do have
a living to earn.
Now, look, Nash...
My name is Worrell,
Ernest P. Worrell.
Oh, Mr. Funny Man, huh?
Yeah, Mr. Funny Man,
you'll think funny
when you're tapping
to the tune of 220, son!
That is the rudest bailiff
I have ever seen in my life.
Ugh!
Oh!
Wait a minute.
Ooh! Oh!
Man: Hey, come on,
knock it off!
You're that guy.
Bailiff! Bailiff!
You're in big trouble now, pal.
Bailiff!
What is it, Nash?
You see that guy?
Yeah. So?
No, I mean look...
look at him.
Come closer. Look.
You see that guy?
He's not on the jury.
This man is a prisoner.
I ought to throw you
in the hole for that, Nash!
- The hole?
- Yeah, the hole!
The hole, like...
like in solitary, the hole...
like in real prison,
like in real,
really, really, really,
really, really real prison?
The hoosegow, the slammer,
the joint,
alcatraz, San Quentin,
Sing Sing...
Oh, no, I... I'm in...
I'm in...
jai-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I!
Jail!
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Your honor, we have
reached a decision.
We find the defendant,
Rubin Bartlett, not guilty.
Have you... carefully weighed
the evidence?
Yes, we have, your honor.
The defendant, found not guilty,
will return
to the state penitentiary,
where he will complete
his previous sentence.
Mm-hmm.
Good night.
Lets go!
Ernest, we're late for work,
and Mr. P. Does not
appreciate tardiness.
So, how'd it go,
Mr. Juror?
Now, on to the real
important question...
how did your date go?
Oh, we had a nice time.
Nice time?
Now, whats the deal
with the hair?
You bringing the wet look back?
I'm just trying something new.
Oh. Where's your, uh,
where's your sky piece,
you know, your lid,
your brown cap?
I never see you
without that brown cap.
I must've lost it somewhere.
Bobby...
...there's something
bad wrong here.
This guy...
This guy...
is in love... L-U-V!
Ernest is in love!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ernest and Charlotte,
sittin' in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love
and then comes marriage
Then comes Ernest
pushing a baby carriage
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Chuck: Ernest, you're not
gonna believe this,
but we have a new security
system at the bank.
A bank?
I work in a bank?
Lets go!
Man: Close "C" block.
Look, look, I tell you...
I'm not this guy Nash.
If you're not Mr. Nash,
how come you look like him?
Because he's obviously
a very attractive criminal.
Yeah, thats right, too.
Lyle, tell him who I am.
Man: Hey, Mr. Nash,
did he fall for it?
Thats real funny,
Mr. Nash.
Open up C-12.
Did you miss me,
Mr. Nash?
Close it up.
You! You know
I'm not Nash.
Of course you are...
Ernest.
You've got nothing
to worry about.
I'll make sure this thing plays
just the way we laid it out.
Just make sure everything
stays in line on your end.
I've got another deal
working here,
and there'll be
a cut in it for you.
That idiot you switched me for
has a job in a bank.
I don't believe it.
Sometimes the cards
just fall your way.
Yeah.
You just make sure nobody
figures out that idiot isn't me.
Listen, little man,
you've pushed me
as far as you're going to.
I've got some big things riding,
and if you know
whats good for you,
you'll play ball.
O-Oh, great!
What position?
You do like we say,
or Lyle here
will break your back...
Like that.
Well, then he'll just
have to break my back
like... like that thing
you guys did.
Real men are not intimidated
by physical threats against
their personal selves,
and ironically, neither am I.
What about violence
against other people?
What do you mean?
I mean, while you're being
Mr. Nash in here,
Mr. Nash is being you
out there.
Yeah, he's living your life,
working at your job at the bank,
hanging out with your friends,
and if you don't behave,
he may have to get very strict
with someone
you really care about.
Charlotte? No!
That your girl?
Well, sort of.
Well, she's gonna
"sort of" be dead
if you don't play along.
You lay one finger
on her, and I'll...
Hey, relax.
She'll be all right
as long as you behave.
Okay, what do I have to do?
You've got to be Nash.
Okay, Lyle, this guy Nash,
he's a tough guy, right,
he's a gangster.
Okay, how about this?
You dirty rat,
you're the guy
that shot my brother,
and I'm the guy
thats gonna shoot you.
Y-You dirty rat,
y-you're the guy
that, eh, eh, shot my brother,
and I'm the guy
thats gonna shoot you...
every goddang one of you.
Too old, huh?
Hey, yo, Murdock,
you're the guy
that shot my brother, right,
and I'm the guy
thats gonna shoot you, eh?
All right.
Of all the gin joints
in all the cities
in all the world,
you've got to waltz into
my place and shoot my brother.
Play it, Sam.
The piano
will cover up the shot.
Why, you dirty rat,
you're the guy
that shot my brother,
and I'm the guy
thats gonna shoot you.
Why,
you're the dirty, scum-suckin' pig dog
that shot my brother...
And I'm the man
who's going to destroy you...
'Cause
I'm just that kind of guy.
How 'bout that?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Uh, oh, I was just, uh...
Well, at least
you're not in the vault.
What would I be doing
in the vault?
Who knows why you're there
every morning?
Yeah, right.
Well, how do I get in there,
you suppose?
I don't know.
Hey, whats the matter with your voice?
You sound different.
Oh,
I've got a little laryngitis.
Hmm, I'm sorry.
Hey, I wouldn't let
Mr. Pendlesmythe
catch me in his chair
if I were you,
and I'd get my feet off his desk
because you know how he feels
about his famous golf trophy.
Yeah.
You know, by the way,
I had a real nice time
the other night.
I think it was
really good for me
to just get away from work
and just have some fun.
Yeah, I had a nice time,
too, baby.
"Baby"?
Ernest, sometimes
you can be so weird.
Good morning, Miss Sparrow.
Good morning.
And what are we doing
behind the bank presidents desk?
I was just gonna
leave you a note.
About what?
About, um...
Uh, Ernest wants to
formally apply
for that clerk's job.
Yeah, yeah, thats it.
Ha. I see...
Ernest the clerk.
Hmm. What a great idea.
Well, now you don't have to
leave a note, do you?
So get out from there!
Whats the matter with your hair?
Is that some sort
of punk thing, huh?
I was just trying something new.
Just look at you.
You are a poor excuse for
a member of the human race.
You and that big nose
and ugly face
have caused so much trouble
around here,
I should be given a medal
for tolerating you.
I would choose my words
differently if I were you.
Oh? Should I use
smaller ones?
How 'bout this?
No!
Now get out of my office,
both of you!
Oh, I'm sorry, Ernest.
He promised he wasn't
gonna do that.
Well... well, who cares
what he thinks anyway?
I'm really proud of you
for trying.
I mean, you're starting
to take stock of yourself.
When you were in there
talking to Mr. Pendlesmythe,
it was as if you were
a whole different person.
What do you mean?
Well, I-I mean
that I'm proud of you.
Ernest, do you have any idea
how long you've made
me and Bobby wait in that van?
7.5 minutes.
I want to tell you
something about time.
My time is worth money,
and I don't think you
make that kind of money
to pay me for my time.
Now, lets put the hammer down.
Okay, today will be
your first test as Mr. Nash.
Don't worry, fellas,
you are talking
to a consummate actor,
a brilliant interpreter
of character and nuance,
a professional practitioner
in the style and method
of the great Stradivarius.
Man: Bring the sheets
back over in the corner.
Just pile them up.
Yeah, just throw 'em anywhere.
Man 2: Hey, Jesus, don't
over stuff the machine again.
Man 3: Hey, Bill, we need
more starch over here.
Man 4: All right,
come on.
You got something on your shirt?
Ah heh heh heh heh.
Today's the day, Nash.
My boy's ready.
Not now, Vinny.
Mr. Nash doesn't have
anything to prove.
Everybody's waiting.
You're not gonna
chicken out now, are you?
I don't know the meaning
of the word "chicken."
Man: If you lose
this one, Nash,
we're gonna run things.
I know you've
never lost, Nash... yet,
but my man Spider here
is gonna change all that.
Okay?
- Go!
- Grrr!
Ernest: Wait a minute!
I wasn't even ready!
Thats not fair!
Listen,
where I come from, mister,
you're supposed to say,
"Ready, set, go."
Thats the official way,
and I want a rematch.
Nash, you're a glutton
for punishment.
You're in
way over your head, man.
They're gonna figure you out.
He was just lucky.
I can take this guy.
Man: Okay, here we go.
Ready... set...
go!
Come on, man!
Come on, baby!
Come on, Spider!
Come on, baby!
Come on, Spider!
Come on, man!
Right there, right there,
right there!
Come on, Spider.
Come on, baby.
Smoke?
Man: Aw, man!
That was close.
Next case.
Man, why don't you
shut your mouth?
The real Mr. Nash
don't say much.
Well, maybe he ought to, right?
I mean, after all, I'm just
reaching for the character.
What do you know about the pain
an actor must go through...
You straighten up,
or I'll show you pain,
and don't you forget
your loved ones on the outside.
Chuck: Ernest, Ernest,
we're sorry.
Bobby didn't know
the mace can was loaded.
Bobby, how many times
do I have to tell you...
Yuh! Get off me, you mutt!
Get out of here!
This is pathetic.
This guy's better off in jail.
Whoa! Ugh!
Ugh!
Oof!
Eee!
I will effect my escape
using a bar of soap,
a common, ordinary
household spoon,
and a tin of shoe polish.
Thank goodness
I paid attention in art class.
Don't worry, Charlotte,
I'll save you.
Your hero is on his way.
Hey, screw!
Yeah, you!
Come here!
What now, Nash?
Open the door or I'll waste ya.
Ah heh heh heh heh.
Assault rifle on a rope,
the perfect gift
for the mercenary
who has everything.
Ah ha ha ha ha.
Ah ha.
Man: Shut up!
Chuck: Mr. P.!
Mr. P., could I have
just one moment
of your time, sir, please?
I want to introduce you
to our latest arsenal
in the war against crime.
Look...
Eh! Mr. P.,
its very, very special.
Well... all right,
but I'm late for dinner.
Great. You'll eat.
Just follow me, please, sir.
Okay, can I have you
here, please? Thank you.
You won't be needing this.
Lets... lets go.
Lets open up.
Open up. Thank you.
Bobby...
Please.
Mr. P., do you have
that funny, little acidy taste
in the back of your throat...
like that?
Uh-huh.
Can you taste it?
Do you know what that is?
Unh-unh.
Fear.
Thats what your common,
class-X criminal
would be feeling at this moment
if he were in your situation.
- Oh.
- Bobby...
its only a simulation.
- - I don't
think I'd touch those bars, Mr. P.,
unless you want
200,000 volts of electricity
jolting through your body.
Think about that.
Bobby...
Mr. P., uh, have a nice dinner
and a... and a good
nights sleep... sir.
Eh, he's had a real hard day.
Ernest:
Don't worry, Charlotte,
I'll soon be flying
into your arms
with my superior knowledge
of mathematics and geometry.
The square root and angle
of your lower hypotenuse
times the angle of your pi...
and that sort of thing.
Let the countdown begin.
3... 2... 11/2...
1... 3/4...
zero... fire!
Whaaaaa!
You see, casting
is all in the wrist.
Its a sport of kings,
a game of inches.
And as soon as your game fish
takes the bait,
'tis important to give the line a
sharp tug in order to set the hook,
and then quickly reel it in.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ah heh heh heh heh heh.
I was gonna throw it back,
honest.
Nooo!
That ought to hold ya.
Don't you have anything
in a pastel blue?
Accessories are so important.
Accessories!
The way they run
this institution is an outrage
for a poor, tired, old,
lonely woman like me,
her only son a felon,
though not a terribly
successful one.
Young man...
Young man.
Young man, could you please
open that gate?
I left my car running outside.
Ma'am, can you tell me how
you got through this gate?
The visitors' area is on
the other side of the prison.
I brought him up
as best I could,
but sometimes a bad seed
falls from even
the most fragile flower.
Ma'am, you're not going
through this gate.
Is this the way you treat
your mother?
Is this the kind of abuse
that poor woman must endure?
Well, I guess my mother
is a little bit mad...
Mm-hmm. You ought to be
in the slammer
with the rest of these misfits.
If you had any remorse
at all for the horror
you put your own mother through,
you'd open that gate.
I have a car overheating
as we speak.
Okay, okay!
Lets open the east gate!
There, now are you satisfied?
I'll tell your mother
how her son has improved
despite his shaded and
somewhat checkered past.
The doctor told me I'd
only have to wear these
until after the surgery.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
- - Ernest,
since you're part of the night family
here at the bank,
I'm gonna show you
something new.
You see that?
That is only to be used during an
officer-in-distress situation.
Do you understand?
Which, I might add,
we hope will be
few and far between.
What could happen in a quiet,
little bank like this?
Eh... will you take
the edge off, Bobby?
I mean... Hey, Bobby! If
I was going by the book,
I wouldn't have said anything,
but its only Ernest!
Ha ha ha!
He... Bobby!
Well, Mr. Nash,
how's our special prisoner?
Just fine, thanks.
Of course, the place
could be a little homier.
Maybe some curtains...
I don't
need nothin' from nobody.
I especially don't need nothin'
from no lousy screws.
Tough guy... right to the end,
huh, Nash?
Just about 24 hours to go.
Well, yeah, whats it
to you, warden?
Besides, I'll be getting
out of here soon.
Yeah, you'll be getting out
all right...
horizontally.
Man: Close cellblock "C."
Did you hear that?
I'll be getting out in 24 hours.
You just have to know
how to talk to these people.
Don't worry, Rubin,
I'll put in a good word for you, too.
Mr. P.
Mr. P.
Can I talk...
wait, wait.
Hey, can I... can I talk
to you for just one second?
What is it now?
Lets go this way, please.
Mr. P., I want to talk
to you about laser beams...
little bundles of light
that can actually trigger
a high-tech, state-of-the-art
security device.
Bobby... please.
So?
Whats the matter with it?
Pbht! Nothin'!
Thats the beauty of it.
Now, Mr. P., could I just have your
attention this way, please, sir?
Please, Mr. P.,
come this way.
Ohh.
Oooh.
Space-age plastics
at work for you, Mr. P.
Its invisible, tasteless,
odorless, colorless.
And the best news yet, sir...
its bulletproof.
Bobby, if you... please!
No!
Uhhhh.
Uh, y...
Its got a few bugs
there, Mr. P.,
but you get
the basic idea, right?
Help me get this off of him.
Mr. P.'s a very rich
and busy man.
Ernest: 24 hours, Lyle.
I'm outta here in 24 hours,
and, boy, am I ever glad.
This hasn't been
a really bad experience, though.
I mean, the food's good,
and I met a lot of new friends.
But now I'm ready to go back
to my job and my dog.
You know, I got a feeling
everything's gonna turn out
all right from now on.
You know, Lyle, its really
good to be alive.
Whats bothering him?
Ernest, I can't believe this.
This place is spotless.
I am so proud of you.
Has the value of pride
diminished?
What?
Well, the last time
you were proud of me,
I got a kiss.
Mr. Pendlesmythe: Ernest, I
want to see you in my office.
Well, Ernest, you've made
a drastic improvement
in your job performance.
And so I've decided to take
Miss Sparrow's recommendation.
You'll be joining us
working days as a bank clerk.
So, Ernest, do you have
anything to say?
Mr. Pendlesmythe: You idiot!
You smashed my golf trophy!
Get out of here!
Gosh, Mr. Pendlesmythe,
does this mean
I don't get the job?
"Don't get the job"?
I may have you shot!
Ernest...
Did you see his face?
You didn't do that on purpose?
He'll get over it.
Ernest, what has gotten
into you?
Look, we got to talk.
Okay.
How 'bout tonight?
But it'll have to be early.
Why?
You have a lot to clean?
Yeah.
Tonight I'm gonna clean out
the whole place.
Man: Open C-12.
Warden: Nash, your lawyer's
got something to tell you.
I'm afraid I've got
some bad news, Mr. Nash.
Our last appeal was turned down.
It was our final hope.
I'm afraid there's nothing
more we can do.
Come on, Nash.
Lets go.
Go? Go where?
You're going to the row.
The row?
Well, whats that?
As in death.
You know, death row.
Oh, well...
death row?!
You mean like the chair?
The hot seat?
Dead meat, deep six,
its over, pal,
you're outta here, bub,
the groundhogs are bringing
your mail,
you're picking turnips
with a stepladder,
like the no-tomorrow row,
that kind of row?
Oh, no. The row?!
Uh, but, uh...
You've got to tell them
who I am, fellas.
I'm Ernest P. Worrell.
I'm not Nash.
I'm Ernest.
Zip it up, Nash.
Get him outta here.
Warden, you're gonna feel
terrible
when you find out what
a big mistake you made.
And, you, pal, you're not
getting any more of my business.
I'm not Nash, I tell you.
I'm Ernest.
I'm Ernest P. Worrell.
Close "C" block.
Come in.
Two hearts
racing toward love...
Two lips trembling...
Ernest, this
wasn't what I expected.
Its, um, i-its different.
Have a drink.
Oh. Okay, sure.
Why not?
Uh, sit down. Make yourself
more comfortable.
... Burning in the night...
A toast... to
the successful completion
of all of tonights endeavors.
To a long and happy life.
I'm up for that.
Um, Ernest, I-I didn't
come here to have...
I was... just wanted
to speak to you
about what happened
at the bank today.
We can talk later.
Ernest.
Ernest, stop it!
What has gotten into you?!
- Stop it!
Get off me!
Get away from me,
you mangy little mutt!
You are slimers,
P. Worrell!
Here, you little rat ball.
So its come to this.
A pointless, miserable end
to a shallow, meaningless life.
But its as it should be.
Its the hand I've been dealt,
and I have to play it
as it lays.
Oh, I'm not going to cry
because life's thrown me
a curve.
I'm... I'm not going to whine
because I got mashed potatoes
when French fries
is what I really wanted.
Its time for me to...
step up to the plate,
belly up to the bar!
Its time for me to look fate
square in the eye,
flare my nostrils,
breathe life's last breath!
Its time for me to lie down
with lions
so I can soar with the eagles!
All right!
I'm ready!
Come and get me!
Lets do it!
Come on, Nash.
Its time.
I don't wanna die.
Is it fixed yet?
No.
Would you like a cigarette
or a blindfold or something?
No, I'm afraid of the dark,
and cigarettes will kill you.
Maybe a few last words.
Nash, take it like a man.
But I'm not Nash.
I'm Ernest.
"And what is an Ernest?"
You might ask.
A man with a past rich in both
history and tradition.
Should we punish this man
for crimes he did not commit?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Can't you speed things up?
Okay, okay.
Such a man should be
set... free.
Oh!
Hit the alarm!
Run for it!
Lets go!
Whats wrong with the door?!
Whoa!
Thanks, Nash!
Man: There's been a breach
in security.
All guards
to your emergency stations.
Hey, whats going on here?!
All prisoners,
return to your cells.
Return to your...
Lets go, Lyle.
Get outta my way!
There he is!
Stop him! Fire!
All: Aaahhhhh!
Come on!
Get outta here!
Come on!
Lets go! Lets go! Lets go!
Cut him down now!
It worked before.
All: Aaahh!
Ahh!
Diii-ha!
Yihaw! Yihaw!
Yiiiihaww!
Yihaw!
Ahh!
Open sesame.
Not so fast.
You better watch out, Rubin.
I'll zot you.
You're a dead man, Worrell.
Very well.
You asked for it.
After all, I am
Ernest P. Worrell, Electroman.
Did I ever tell you
that you have a really
classic Greek profile?
Shut up.
Let him go.
Lyle, you talk.
Thats great.
Have you flipped?
Come on.
We got to get rid of this guy
before he blows the whole thing.
No, he's different than us.
Shut up and get out of my way.
You better go.
Mr. Nash is probably
robbing the bank right now.
Nash?
Well, come with me.
I don't belong out there.
I got a place in here.
Well, I'm gonna miss you,
good buddy.
Ernest, things won't be
the same without you,
you know what I mean?
If anybody does...
So long, Lyle!
I'll send you a cake!
There he is!
Come on!
All right!
We got ya!
Come on, Lyle.
Back inside.
Don't let him get away.
Get the dogs!
Come on!
Move it!
Nobody has ever escaped
from this facility
since I've been warden,
and they're not gonna start now.
All right, lets go, men.
Consider the prisoner
extremely dangerous.
What are you doing now, Ernest?
Thats it.
Is everyone who works here
a moron?
Can't you see what I'm doing?
I'm robbing the bank.
I'm gonna blow the safe,
take the money, and leave.
I'm robbing the bank.
I'm stealing the money
that you are paid to protect.
I'm robbing the bank.
Ppbbhhtt!
I've been vandalized...
by Elvis.
I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!
First Ernest and now this!
I am acting
like the victim again.
I need to tell Ernest
exactly how I feel,
and I need to do it right now
while I'm still mad!
Ah.
Thats better.
Rimshot. Rimshot.
Here, boy.
Rimshot? Rimshot.
Rimshot?
Rimshot?
Rimshot?
Rimshot.
Rimshot!
How did you get in there?
What kind of a person would
throw away a perfectly good dog?
Come on, Rimshot. Lets go.
Don't you worry
about your diet, chubby.
As soon as I set this fuse,
you're gonna lose
all that weight.
Mr. Pendlesmythe,
its Charlotte.
I-I know
you won't believe this,
but it looks like Ernest
is robbing the bank.
I know, but I am here right now.
Look, I don't know
whats gotten into you,
but you can't go through
with this!
Ernest! Ernest!
Look...
I am not this Ernest guy.
I just happen to look like him.
I switched with him, you get it?
You what?
Look, would the real Ernest
have been able
to knock out Chuck
or set a time bomb without it
going off in his face?
And look at the floors.
Did you notice how clean
they've been lately?
You are an imposter.
What did you do
with the real Ernest?
Where is he?
He's dead by now.
What do you mean he's dead?
I don't believe you!
What have you done with him?!
I haven't done anything
with him.
Your dedicated public servants
down in the state pen
put him in the chair hours ago.
Well, I'll be seeing you,
sweetheart.
Or rather, I'll be seeing
parts of you.
Ha ha ha ha.
Parts of you...
ha ha ha ha ha!
Shh. Rimshot,
don't say a word.
Uh... uh.
Charlie!
Ow!
Chuck: Thats it.
Get him in position.
Ow! Chuck!
Ow!
Whats gotten into you,
Chuck? Its me! Ow!
You sure have a funny way
of saying hello.
Do you think I'd let you
get near me
after what you did to Ernest...
one of the sweetest,
kindest men who ever lived?
Gosh, Charlotte,
I-I'm touched.
Okay, now, listen to me.
When I give the signal,
I want you to hit him
with everything we've got.
What?
Sir, we got civilians in there.
Worrell.
Nash.
Now, Nash, this is Warden Carmichael.
Now, we've got you surrounded.
Come on out with your hands up.
Nash, let the hostages go.
Looks like I got myself
another hostage.
Too bad.
I thought you were dead.
Not yet.
So... it comes to this.
Man to man, mano a mano,
toe to toe, nose to nose,
shirts and skins,
eggs over medium.
Be careful, Ernest!
Ohh!
Chuck:
He should've ducked.
Here, let me help you up.
I want to show you
your new desk.
Stop it!
- Get up.
- Chuck: Yeah, stop it!
I can't believe I was
fooled by that man.
I sensed it immediately.
Freeze, punk.
Make your play.
Chuck: All right, Bobby!
Burn him!
What are you waiting for?!
Burn him!
Bobby!
The gun!
Get away from there.
Nash: Give me that gun
or I'll rip your lungs out.
Give it here!
Chuck:
Bobby, go to plan 12!
Let go!
Let go.
Ohhh.
Warden: You haven't got
a prayer, Nash.
You're completely surrounded.
Give it up.
Chuck: Bobby!
What do you want me to do now?
Deploy them around to the back.
Okay, second team, lets move.
You heard him!
Lets go!
Toast time.
It looks like one way
or another,
this was just his night to fry.
I'm floating.
I'm lighter than air.
Whats happening to me?
He's polarized.
He... he's weightless.
Gravity's lost its grip.
I'll show you polarized.
Ahhhhhhhh!
- Time to put your butt on spin cycle.
- Ahhhhhhh!
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Right down the middle.
Ahhhhh!
Ahhhhhhh!
Oh, no! No! No! No!
Ugh!
Ugh!
Chuck! Bob...!
Chuck! Bob...!
- Stop it!
- Doh!
Uhhhhh!
Oh!
Uhhhhh!
Oh!
Oh!
Ow!
Oh!
Nash: To the moon,
bozo!
Leave him alone!
Uh!
Chuck:
Ernest, you're in control!
Thats it!
Nash, listen to me.
Let the hostages go.
Yeah, right, warden.
This'll take care of him.
Ernest, incoming.
3:00. Maybe 2:30.
50... 3/4...
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Ahhhhhhh!
Wa-ahhhhhhhh!
Get this thing off of me.
Watch out, Ernest!
He's getting up!
Aaaahhhhhh!
Chuck:
Ernest, grab the lamp!
Be careful.
Those lamps are expensive.
Go back to plan "B."
I'm gonna kill him.
Ahh!
Huh?
W-Whats going on
in there?
Get your head down!
Who is this guy?
Its my bank.
Peter Pan, eat your heart out.
Here. Have a seat.
Ahhhhhh!
Ugh!
Ahhhhhhhhh!
Ernest: Let go of me!
Pull on it!
Pull on it! Chuck!
I am.
My wrist is beginning to chafe.
Ernest!
Stop this thing!
Somebody, stop...
Nash: Come on, get me
off of this thing!
Hey, Nash, you'll never get him
now.
Please be sure that your
seat backs and tray tables
are in their full, upright, and
locked positions before landing.
Let me off of this thing!
Thanks for shopping with us.
Ah heh heh heh heh.
No, don't touch that button.
No!
Aaaahhhhh!
All right!
E-e-e-e-e-w.
15 seconds, Chuck!
Bobby, unlock me!
Ernest, the bomb!
I'm coming.
Don't worry, Charlotte.
I'll save you.
Give me that.
Up, up, and away-y-y-y-y-y!
He's getting away.
Whoa!
Wow!
Oh... my buddy's gone.
He's been here all right.
I recognize his work.
Ernest saved us,
Mr. Pendlesmythe.
He saved your stupid bank
and all your stupid money.
Ernest wasn't a thief.
He was a hero.
Well, maybe you're right.
Stick a sock in it.
Unh.
Put 'em down, boys.
Nice and easy.
And all of you, move over there.
Come on, move.
Nash...
you'll never get away with this.
Oh, yeah, warden?
I think so.
She's my ticket outta here.
Come over here, sweetie.
Ahhhhhhh!
Uhhhh. Uh-oh.
Ernest, you're alive.
I came. I saw.
I got blowed up.
Play it, Sam.
The piano will cover up
the shot.
Don't make me climb
the coconut tree
That would be a catastrophe
I would not make it halfway,
you see
I'm wearing the wrong kind
of shoes
Don't make me climb
the coconut tree
I think I owe you an apology
But ask anyone who grew up
with me
I'm not one to easily bruise
Don't make me climb
No, don't make me climb
Don't make me climb
These aren't
my tree-climbing shoes
Hey, man, if I had known
you were back, man,
I wouldn't have worn
my wingtips.
Look, there's no tread left
on these.
See? Look.
You can't eat those coconuts
anyway, man.
Monkeys have been up there.
Eh, put that down!
Put that down!
Don't! Don't push, man.
Don't make me climb.
No, please don't make me
climb
No, don't make me climb
These aren't
my tree-climbing shoes
Ah, don't make me climb
No, don't make me climb
Don't make me climb
These aren't
my tree-climbing shoes
Wha...