[door creaks open]
(Ethan)
Dada?
(male voice)
Mm.
Dada?
Mm.
Mm.
[sighing]
There are no bad
people coming, okay?
How do you know?
Well, 'cause there
are two cars in
the driveway.
There are plenty of other
houses with no cars
in the driveway
that they're
going to instead.
What if they
can't see the cars?
If they can't
see the cars
then they need to
have their eyes checked.
Good night.
Can you leave
the light on?
Brighter?
Go to
sleep now.
Could I have a
glass of water?
[alarm beeping]
When's Mama
getting home?
Sometime after lunch.
Mm. This
toast is burnt.
Fire me.
Is Grandpa Ernie gonna
eat every meal with us?
Only if he's good.
If he's bad, we force
him to eat in his own room.
Excuse me.
Your room.
Gimme. I'll scrap
off the burnt.
No, it's fine.
Will he smell bad?
Last time he was here
he smelled like pee.
Ew. can we not
talk about pee
during breakfast?
You can
block your nose.
Like this, see?
Right now, I can't
smell a thing.
Are you done yet?
No.
Be done. Now.
Now. Come on, come on.
Have you decided
about prom yet?
Because I have to
sign up for it by tomorrow.
can we talk about
that when Mama gets
home, please?
Will everybody at
the prom be gay?
Yeah. That's why they call it
the Gay and Lesbian Prom, moron.
Are lesbians gay?
Okay, that's it.
No more. No more. Enough.
No more questions.
Out. You.
And yes, they are.
No one's gonna
do anything.
They have like a
million chaperons.
I don't want you dancing
with college kids, period.
What are they
gonna do, rape me?
can we not talk
about this right now?
I'm not interested in being
with someone who's older.
I just wanna dance with
other people who are gay.
I think I'd rather talk
about the smell of pee.
Huh.
You know, it's very nice
of you to give up your room.
Very generous.
Do I have a choice?
Come on. Hop, hop, hop, hop,
hop, hop, hop, Peter Cottontall.
You know, I'm gay whether
I go to the prom or not.
We'll talk about it
when Mama gets home.
Do you think Grandpa
Ernie will die soon?
I don't know.
Did you remember
your violin music?
Yes.
Do you think people
come back after they die?
Like as other
people or things?
No. I mean, I, I think you sort
of just die when you die.
You know, go back in the sky,
all your atoms and stuff.
That's what I think.
I hope I come
back as a flower.
They smell
really good.
Okay. I could see that.
I mean, I agree.
Flowers are good. It's a good life,
a flower's life, I think.
Not a very long
life, but a good life.
I'll see you later.
Don't forget
your violin.
(Ned)
Hey, it's me.
Um, I hope you guys made it
to the airport okay.
I guess I'll, I'll just
meet you at baggage claim.
Um, I miss you.
God help us.
Oh, and we gotta deal
with that gay prom thing.
It's not going
away. Okay?
I love you.
What about anal? My straight friends
tell me anal's the new oral.
So, Darren, Lindsay
in the shower.
Lindsay feels Darren
coming up the Panama Canal.
I haven't seen that on TV.
(Brian)
Maybe Lindsay straps one on
and Darren's not into it.
No. Seen it before.
Maybe he is into it.
What if they try to screw
but she gets terrible gas.
Come on, people,we have
five shocking moments
In every script.
We only have three.
Ned, true or false.
Anal's the new oral.
Uh, I'd settle for oral
being the new oral, but that's me.
My wife didn't like it.
It gave her the runs.
Okay. What if Lindsay develops
a thing for her Dalmatian
and it turns into this
incredible obsession?
Yes! Thank you. Bestiality,
the final frontier. I love it.
Right?
You don't think that's a
little bit unrelatable?
You're talklng like
a fucklng executive.
There is nothing unrelatable
about sex with animals.
I know a lot of people
who've done it.
Sex with one's dog is
the new sex with one's cat.
I don't give a fuck about
unrelatablllty as long as it is shocking.
And what if they didn't have sex
for an episode?
Personally, I'd find that
pretty shocking.
[cell phone rings]
Are we keeping
you from something?
Sorry. Um, I have to
pick up my wife at the airport.
Her father's coming in and--
When are we getting your script?
Well, I wanted to talk
to you about that.
The next couple of days
are gonna be kinda tough
because of Jeannie and I--
No. Monday.
Okay. Monday, I'll try.
Don't try. Just do it.
Act four.
Two shocking moments.
[horns honking]
[siren wails]
[cell phone rings]
Shit.
(Ned)
Hey, you made it.
Where are you?
Stuck. Traffic is unbelievable.
How's Ernle?
Uh, chipper.
How was getting him there?
It's been a little tough, but
we're hanging in there, right, Ernie?
[hushed tone]
Don't get a ticket, but hurry.
[beep]
Dad?
At least they didn't lose our luggage.
That's a relief, right?
You need the bathroom
or anything?
It's just a side effect.
They told us it might happen, right?
You can change as soon as you
get home.
- (Ned) Hey I
- It won't be too long now.
Here you go.
Sorry I'm late.
The traffic.
Doesn't matter where you're going
or what time you go
it's always bad.
How are ya?
Hey, Ernie.
You look good.
Welcome to the Big Apple.
(Ned) You must be pooped.
It's been quite a whirlwind,
huh, Dad?
I sold just about everything
except his favorite
chair and ottoman.
They'll be here
in a few weeks.
And his upstairs neighbor is gonna
try to sell his electric wheelchair
which is too heavy
to ship out.
You won't see a dime.
She'll spend it on drugs.
She's 83. I think we can trust her.
She was always saying
hello in the elevator
asking me how was I doing...
if she could do anything for me.
Very manipulative.
[snoring]
I don't even like him.
You're a good daughter.
I'm a guilty daughter.
I should have found a place
for him there. He's toxic.
You couldn't keep jumping on
a plane every time he fell down
or called you from some
emergency room with chest pains.
I haven't spent this much time
with him in 30 years.
I already feel like I did then.
He's not happy unless he can make
you as depressed as he is.
Well, look. He's here.
You're gonna have to find
some way to deal with it
or you're just gonna be
miserable all the time.
This is perfect.
I finally get three clients lined up
now I gotta cancel them.
I'm sure they'll come back.
I tried to explain to him again
what I did.
He said he would like
to see the studies
showing the efficacy of touch
for the treatment of pain.
[laughing]
Oh, shit.
I gotta go.
Look at this.
What?
The doctor said to keep him away
from alcohol, including mouthwash.
That's why he goes
through so much of it.
He's like a teenager.
At least he's
not a gay one.
- [cell phone ringing]
- We gotta talk to Jonah
about this gay prom thing.
I don't want him to go.
He can be mad at us,
I don't give a shit.
This is Ernie's doctor in Detroit.
I have to take this.
I don't want him to go.
He can logic us to death.
Hello?
He's not going.
Yes, I did.
Thank you for getting back to me.
Anyways, I don't want to be
the one who always says no.
No. The one you gave me was two years old.
It's completely outdated.
- (Ned) I think it's pretty important that we present
- (Jeannie) Well, someone must have written
- (Jeannie) something down somewhere.
- (Ned) the united front here, don't you think?
- (Jeannie) He was in the hospital for two weeks.
- (Ned) So that I'm not always the bad guy?
No, no, no. It's another Bliss.
My father lived in Belleville. Yes.
Yeah.
We've been through this.
Okay, I'm, I'm gonna leave now.
I'll call you when I'm on my way back.
Welcome back.
No, he's not dead.
He's in New York.
[horn honks]
Gotta go.
Hey.
[kissing noises]
I missed you.
Look at you.
It looks like you've grown
two inches in a week.
Your hair is huge.
How's Ernie?
It's gonna take him a little
while to get reoriented.
Pretty big change.
Is he still sad that Shirlee died?
Very. But he's been pretty sad
for a long time.
How are you?
I've missed you.
I had a dream the other night
that your plane crashed
and you were killed.
You know, there's a much better
chance of dying in a car crash
than in a plane.
Anyway, I'm back,
safe and sound.
(Ned)
What's he thinking, you know?
There's more, Dad.
You want it?
I, it gets me so pissed off,
because I waited
I waited a week for the notes
on that outline
and then he's Ilke, hurry up,
I need it yesterday.
(Ethan)
These taste weird.
Are these the ones from
Whole Foods?
(Jeannle)
Yes, they are.
And they're the kind
you like. Eat them.
My boss is very, uh...
- unpredictable.
- [Ernie snorts]
(Jonah)
So I'm supposed to bring a check
for the prom by tomorrow.
And if I'm late, it's
ten dollars extra.
Can we not talk
about the prom right now?
Mama just got home.
We'll talk about it later.
You want some salad, Dad?
You need to have something.
You've barely eaten all day.
I need my shit-kit.
Ned, could you?
It's in the bathroom.
I can get it. I'm not dead
yet, goddamn it.
What's a shit-kit?
Here, let me with that, Ernle.
It's a kit that cleans shit.
Would you mind?
This fucking thing, Jesus Ohrist!
Piece of crap!
No big deal, Ernie.
Careful of the glass.
Why she didn't bring the goddamn
scooter is a mystery to me!
It was too heavy, I told you.
Why the hell didn't you let me die
there in the first place?
I didn't ask you
to fuckin' move me here!
[coughing]
Ned, could you take him
in his room and help him change?
Sure, I'd love to.
Ready, Ernie?
Eat. Eat.
[keyboard clicking]
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Just chatting with some friends.
Anyone I know?
Not really.
Just kids from school.
Ah. You're not talking to people
you don't know, are ya?
Uh, you mean potential pedophiles?
Mm-hm.
Just the ones who live around here.
All right. It's after ten.
Why don't you shut it down now?
can I have five more minutes?
No. can you just shut it down
without a big negotiation?
Do you think I like coming down here
and being the Internet police guy?
No. I don't.
It's after ten.
Now, shut it down.
Okay. Fine. Just let me say goodbye.
I wouldn't want to
be rude to a priest.
[chuckles]
You...
You know, the day my
mother married him
that morning her mother told her
she was making a mistake.
That she was climbing--
Climbing into a sick bed.
I know, you told me.
At my brother's funeral
he was furious at my mother
for crying too loud--
for making a scene. He told her
to shush at her son's funeral.
I know. I know.
He's just such an idiot.
[sigh]
Well, you know, he was, um
he was probably upset too. He just...
Don't. Don't.
What?
Don't come running to his defense
every time I'm mad at him.
Which is pretty much all the time.
This is a huge
adjustment for me
having him so close.
It's nothing I ever anticipated,
okay?
It's gonna take me some time.
Okay.
[scoffs]
[sighs]
How often do you
and your wife have sex?
Not as often as I'd like. Why?
How often do you fantasize
about someone else
when you and your wife have sex?
Not as often as I should. Why?
I've never been in
a relationship for so long.
I don't know how you married
guys do it, day in, day out.
Yeah, that's, uh--
I feel like I'm turning to dust.
That's how it is sometimes.
This is your son?
Yes.
He's cute.
Does he have a girlfriend?
No. Not really.
Not, uh, not yet.
The B story.
It doesn't work.
I've already written it, Garrett.
Rewrite it.
It sucks.
He overdoses on painkillers.
That is boring.
I mean, I've seen that.
I've done that.
Surprlse me.
He gets high.
He runs over someone. Paralyzes them.
Breaks their leg. I don't know.
Shock me.
[moans]
[piped in music]
(Ernie)
Where are we?
We're at the doctor's, Dad.
My gums hurt.
I gotta see a dentist.
Well, I'll call mine.
We'll see when there's an opening.
Look, they're bleeding.
I've gotta see one right away.
I'll call when we get home.
And I gotta see a urologist,
too, you know.
I got, I got a rash on
the head of my penis, I think.
My, my balls are unusually
tender and--
Dr. Elias can look at them.
Is he a specialist?
He's a geriatric internist.
Well, I wanna see
a specialist, okay?
And I gotta see a cardiologist
too with this arrhythmia.
They're gonna have
to up my digitalis.
One thing at a time, okay?
I can't do everything.
I gotta--
I gotta pee.
Dad, I wish you wouldn't
do that. I can take you.
If I gotta wear these
fuckin' things--
I might as well use 'em.
[moans]
[sucks in deep]
[exhales]
You're here late.
I have to rewrite
the whole B story.
Apparently, overdosing on drugs
and falling out a
window is too soft.
Isn't that sort of the whole point
of the episode?
The great downward spiral?
Yeah, it was.
Now it's incest.
[laughs]
Takes the edge off.
No, thanks.
I like my edge.
[laughs]
Why are you still here?
Oh, my ex is moving out.
Finally.
It's better if I'm not there.
[horn blarlng In dlstance]
How long have you
guys been together?
Too long.
Almost a year.
Hmm. Is he a writer?
Actor.
Ooh.
[chuckles]
Never again.
Yeah.
They're so fucking needy.
How long have you and
your wife been together?
Uh, 19 years.
Wow!
Nineteen years?
Yeah, we met in college.
That is quite an accomplishment
in this business.
Yeah.
Two kids?
Three. My father-in-law's
the youngest.
Oh, that sucks.
Yes, it does, actually.
[laughs]
I mean, it's one thing if it's your parent,
but taking care of someone else's.
You gotta be a saint.
I'm sure your wife
is very appreciative.
You'll have a Get Out of Jail
Free card for the next ten years.
[chuckles]
Could come in handy.
Hang in there, Mother Teresa.
Later.
(Jeannie)And then they tell
us we have to see
three other doctors every
three months
at the VA just so they can
approve covering the cost
of all the meds he's taking.
These can't be
his regular doctors.
We have to see other doctors
in between those doctors.
He's taking 17 prescription drugs.
Seventeen.
Anything good?
We could start a side business.
The Procrit alone costs $900 a month
and that's not even one
of the ones they cover.
Ouch. Okay. No more work day,
okay?
No, no more, no more doctors.
No more meds.
No more, no more irritating
bowel disorders.
Irritable bowel syndrome.
Okay. No more bowel
anything. Okay?
I told Jonah he could go
to the prom.
[stammers]
I thought we were gonna present
a united front on this one.
He needs to be with other kids
like him, Ned.
Okay, but he doesn't need to be with
guys who are ten years older than him.
He's just gonna get hit on.
There are plenty of chaperons.
Who'll what? Follow him into a bathroom
when he gets a blow job in a stall?
He's not going there for sex.
He's gonna be with his friends
from the G S A.
How do you know
what he's gonna do?
We don't even know what he's doing.
He's on that
computer all night.
I have no idea who he's talking to.
Do you know who
he's talking to?
If we're too controlling,
he's just gonna act out in other ways
that'll end up being even worse.
You mean if I'm too controlling.
(Ernle)
God damn It I
I'll go.
I'll go.
He's my fucking father.
can it be sooner?
His gums are bleeding.
That would be great.
Yes. Thank you so much.
Wai-wai-wai-wait, wait, wait.
Could you hold the elevator, please?
(male volce)
Sure, ma'am.
Great. Thank you so much.
They can see you next week.
Yeah, what about the urologist?
Every time I pee, it stings
like a son of a bitch.
You should feel my balls.
Oh.
[groan]
He's 13. What do I do with
a fucking 13-year-old?
You play catch with him.
No, you play catch with him.
The only balls
I touch are Randy's.
And even those I'm
getting bored with.
It's not about
what you do, Garrett.
This is about
you two bonding.
And it's only for
a couple of weeks.
Oh, his son's so angry
since the divorce.
And then Randy phones him,
he gets angry, then he's crying
and then he hangs up.
It's torture.
Fantastic first script.
Applause for Brian.
Give it up,
let's hear it.
Those sorority girls,
they're nasty.
I love 'em.
This is good.
Very testosterone.
Very male.
Little tweak.
Not too bad.
Fucking fantastic
first script.
Thank you
very much.
How's yours
coming along?
Oh, good. You know.
No, I don't. That's why I'm asking.
It's just, I'm in the thick
of it still.
Can't tell yet.
But I think good.
[imitates Ned's voice]
That's reassuring.
[violin music]
You should work
on your legato.
It's an Italian word.
It means to bind, to tie together.
[clears throat]
From the Latin, ligare.
I'm just learning it.
You're learning it wrong.
Your bowing's jerky.
Did you ever play the violin?
I know what good
musicianship is.
I was a percussionist
in high school and the Army.
I listen to Ellington and Basie.
It's not just about the notes.
He's just beginning it, Dad.
It's a very difficult piece.
If you learn it wrong,
it's twice as difficult.
He's playing for enjoyment.
He's not planning
on being a professional.
Well, I guess then it doesn't matter
how well he plays.
You were never able
to take criticism either.
I think it depends
on how it's given.
There's no easy way to give it.
It's like medicine.
You just take it,
if you really want to get better.
Night.
What am I gonna do with
his son when he comes?
Randy says he's
a real boy-boy.
I have no idea what a boy-boy
talks about.
What do you talk
about with your son?
Uh, clean your room, shut down
the computer, things like that.
[deep sigh]
How long have you and
Randy been together?
Two and a half years.
It's a record.
Except when I was 15 and I fell
madly in love with a seminarian.
How old was he?
Twenty-five.
Must have been weird.
I mean, you know,
the whole age difference.
Some gays like 'em young.
Night, Garrett.
[violin playing]
(Jeannle)
He was supposed to call me back by six.
[smoke alarm beeping]
He increased the dosage
and so now he's getting dizzy.
He also is complaining
about constipation.
You know what? If you could
just have him call me back
that would be great.
Ow, God! Damn him!
[beeping continues]
Don't you have some homework to do?
[door opens and closes]
[beeping stops]
You okay?
Mama burnt dinner again.
We spent five hours at the VA
waiting to see someone.
Flnally I just left.
I had to pick up Ethan.
So now I'm taking him
back there tomorrow.
(Ned) It's okay.
I didn't want lasagna anyway.
I can't do it all.
Chauffeur him to the doctor
pick up Ethan, go shopping,
make dinner
try to resuscitate
my nonexistent, fucking career.
It's fine. We can order out.
You can never have
too many burritos.
(Jonah)
I'm off
Hey, hey, whoa-whoa-
whoa-whoa. Come here.
What?
You're going to
the prom like that?
Yeah, it's a dance.
It's not like a formal thing.
Don't they have
a dress code or anything?
I think he looks fantastic.
Thanks.
You look great.
You look hot.
Knock 'em dead.
Have fun.
I want you to change.
Ned.
I think he should change
or he can't go.
This is what people wear
to a dance.
Why don't you just
go in a jockstrap?
You're being ridiculous.
[horn honks]
You can sorta see
the outline of your
penis in those.
Will you shut up?
You can't go dressed
like that. I'm sor--
I'm gonna tell Ashley's
mother you're not coming.
Okay, fine, fine.
I'll change.
Thank you.
Asshole.
Hey! Hey! Say that again
and you're never going to a dance.
He can't go dressed
like a hustler.
What's a hustler?
That doesn't concern you.
Will you go to your room, please?
You're overreacting.
If that was your daughter,
would you tell her, uh
that, uh, she looked
hot and to knock'em dead?
- I want him to enjoy himself.
- No, no, no.
But, but if it was your daughter
going out dressed like that,
you'd be, like, bye, honey.
Nice tits. Have fun at the dance.
He's not our daughter,
he's our son.
Who's gay. It's the same thing
except you can't get pregnant.
He's not stupid, Ned.
No, but he's horny.
That makes people stupid.
Is it some pedophile
you're worried about
or the thought of him doing it
with another boy?
Have you even told anybody
that he's gay?
I'm off.
Is that better?
Yes. Thank you.
You look nice.
My sweater looks good on you.
Great. See ya.
I'll pick you up in front
of the hotel at 11:30, okay?
[door closes loudly]
Did that sweater
look that gay on me?
[dancing music]
I have to get something to
drink. Okay.
(Ernie)
Who Is that?
It's Ethan.
Come here.
Hey.
Hey, do me a favor,
would ya, pal?
There's some, some
pills in the kitchen.
Go get 'em
for me, okay?
I don't know where they are.
I'll ask my mom.
No, no, no, no. I don't wanna
disturb your mother, okay?
Look, I, I, I bother
her too much as it is.
Besides, we don't want
her to get mad at us, huh?
They're in a cabinet
over the fridge.
Little, uh,
little white pills.
I'll, I'll give you a dollar, okay?
Come on.
Good boy.
Hey. There you go, champ.
Open that thing up for me, will ya?
My fingers are too stiff.
(Jeannle)
What are you doing?
You can't have any of those, Dad.
I told you.
If they kill me, good.
Good. Ah, who the hell cares anyway?
I care!
[grunt]
Go to bed, Ethan.
He told me not to bother you.
It's okay. It's not your fault.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
It's okay.
You wanna kill yourself, Dad,
you should have done it
before I moved you out here
and saved me the trouble.
But you're not doing it
in my house
and you're not using my son
as an accomplice.
So, you here by yourself?
Uh, no. No. I'm,
I'm with a friend from school.
Oh, cool.
Male or female?
Uh, female.
How 'bout you?
Oh, boyfriend.
Yeah, but we're breaking up.
Do you wanna dance?
Yeah. Sure.
Come on.
What do you think?
They said they'll probably have
an opening by the end of the month.
He'll hate it, but he hates everything,
so what difference does it make?
Four thousand a month?
Uh, more.
Depends on what level
of care he needs.
The really nice ones
are between five and ten.
can he afford it?
No, we'd have to pitch in
about $3,000 a month.
Ah.
Unless you wanna keep him here.
But then you'll have to pay
for my institutionalization
which will probably end
up costing you even more.
I don't know what I was thinking.
It's like, 20 years of therapy,
you think I'd never had any.
[breathes deep]
Well--
it's a good thing
I love my job.
I better go pick up Jonah.
Before someone else does.
[club music]
[sighing]
[club music]
It's almost 12.
Yeah. Okay. Sorry. But five more minutes?
This song is about to end.
Now. You were supposed
to meet me outside.
Where's Ashley?
Her mom picked her up early.
Okay. Let's go.
I'm double parked.
Oh, my God! That was so much fun.
I think I just lost
five pounds in sweat.
I just couldn't stop dancing.
What happened to Ashley?
Um, she got nauseous
so her mom had
to pick her up early.
How was the food?
I think that's what made her nauseous.
I, myself, avoided the sushi.
Mm.
So, who'd you dance with?
Um, mostly Ashley.
Um, and then when she left
I met this group of girls from Taft
and I became their best friend.
Who was the guy you
were with when I came in?
Uh, Ian, I think
was his name.
But I'm not sure. The music was too loud.
[chuckles]
How old is he?
I feel like this is
the third degree or something.
No, no, no. I'm just,
you know, interested.
Well, uh, sorry.
He didn't show me his birth certificate,
so I, I'm, I'm not
I'm not sure how old he was.
Definitely looked like
he was in college to me.
I personally think
you'd be better off
going out with someone who's a
little more your age.
We're not going out.
We danced. We met at a dance.
You mind if we not talk about this,
because I had a good time.
And I'd rather not wreck it.
Okay.
[sniff]
[loud radio music]
(Garrett)
No, no, It's, It's like
a homeless shelter. Look.
He designs million-dollar houses.
He can't live in a fucking cave.
(Brian)
Wow.
Seems in a
pretty shitty mood.
I'm, uh, I'm guessing it's my script.
I saw him reading it at lunch and--
He say anything to you?
[muffled]
No, he's just tired and grumpy.
I'm sure it's got nothing
to do with your script.
Really seemed to love yours.
Well, I got a rape, a threesome,
and a mutilated pet.
What's not to love?
That's true.
Come on, he's
just being generous.
I'm sure he's gonna rewrite the whole thing.
[clears throat]
Brian, there you are.
Uh, Garrett wants to distribute
your script this afternoon
and a couple of your
names didn't clear.
I need you to give me
some alternatives.
Absolutely.
[chuckles]
Wow. Looks like he doesn't plan
on touchlng a thlng.
[chuckles]
That's great.
[chuckles]
Ah, it's just beginner's luck.
Gah, I tell you what, he is going
to be raving about your script
in exactly the same way. Hmm?
Wow.
[piano music playing]
Ernie?
[loud music continues]
Ernie?
[band playing Sweet Georgla Brown]
[music continues]
[click]
[music stops]
You should get dressed.
We have to leave
for Ethan's concert.
Uh, look, I really need
to stay near a bathroom.
Why don't you
just go ahead, okay?
I, I promlse I won't kill myself
while you're gone, all right?
Uh-huh.
Scout's honor.
I'll lock up the knives.
We won't be late.
What were you dreaming about?
Nothin'. I was listening
to Butch Miles.
He was Count Basie's best drummer,
after Jo Jones.
Met him once. But I was
too nervous to even say hello.
Your mother did all the talking.
[music starts again]
So I bought him a cap gun,
a water gun.
I bought him a baseball
glove made out of kangaroo leather.
I bought him a, a hoop, a hoop thing,
for basketball, hydra something.
Hydra-Rib. Yeah.
What'd that run you?
Like, uh, six,
seven hundred bucks.
As long as I don't
have to touch the thing
or watch a kung fu movie,
I don't give a shit.
Randy's in charge of athletics.
I just sign the checks.
You change those names?
Yeah, it's done.
The script doesn't work.
It just, it doesn't work.
Okay.
It's boring.
The marriage is boring.
The drinking is boring.
His fight over
those boring kids is boring.
I just want something else.
I want something unexpected.
Okay.
Let him screw a
hooker with AIDS.
Okay.
No, no, no. He's--
I've seen that before.
Just something new.
You've been married
a gazillion years.
You must be
bored senseless.
What do you wanna do?
Uh, I'll find something.
Yeah, well, find it with Robin.
She's gonna help you.
She's been on the show
since the beginning.
She was with me in L.A.
She knows what I like.
Keep it fresh,
right, and sexual.
You know, there's not enough
sex in this episode anyway.
And do it by Thursday
'cause the studio's on my back.
Look, It's a process.
And It's hard.
And no one's
getting fired.
Marni? What time am I editing?
[door closes]
Well. That went even worse
than I imagined it would.
(Robin)
Ned, it's not that big a deal.
He over-dramatizes things.
You know that.
Yeah.
I read it,
I thought it was good.
When were you gonna tell me?
- He asked me not to say anything.
- [scoffs]
Okay, look. We're gonna go through it.
We'll come up with some new beats.
We'll throw in some sex with
a 15-year-old. He will love it.
- Yeah. Try a five-year-old,
then you're in the ballpark.
- It'll be fun.
- We can work at my place.
- We can work here.
- It's right over the bridge.
- I hate this place.
- It's fine.
- It's too sterile.
I do it all the time, all right?
We're gonna order in.
It's not even gonna
feel like work.
Wow. This is, uh, impressive.
[chuckles]
Writing for television does have its perks.
So I hear.
[cell phone rings]
Sorry.
Don't worry.
[beep]
Hey.
(Jeannle)
Where are you?
His concert's about to start.
Oh, shit!
I completely forgot.
I have to work.
Garrett hated the script.
He didn't hate it.
Stop exaggerating.
Who is that?
Robin. He, uh, he wants her
to rewrite it for me.
Wlth you, asshole.
We have to re-break it
and give it to him by Monday.
I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.
Okay.
Tell Ethan I'm really bummed,
all right?
I'm sure he'll understand.
Look, I have to go.
It's about to start.
Tell him I want a private recital
tomorrow night.
Okay? Love you.
Love you too.
I say we swim before we work.
Helps wipe the slate clean.
My ex's. The only thing
of his I didn't burn.
Basement. Meet you there.
Uh--
[footsteps fading away]
[orchestra music playing]
[jazz music playing]
Okay. I am now officially
coveting your life.
[chuckles]
Isn't it fab?
And no one's ever in it.
I got spoiled living in L.A.
There's just something so primal
about swimming, so purifying.
You're really good at this,
aren't you?
At what?
You know how to live.
Well, I figure you better
enjoy it while you got it.
The world could
end tomorrow, right?
What if he fucks his boss?
Uh, his wife's pregnant.
Don't you think
the audience would hate him?
I don't think so.
I think he's overwhelmed,
he's ambivalent.
I bet 80% percent of
the male audience has either done it
or wished they'd done it.
And maybe she's addicted
to doing it in public.
Dressing rooms,
parks, at work.
The danger's just an incredible
turn-on for both of them.
It's like she introduces him
to his deepest, darkest desires.
Just a thought.
Could work.
We should probably start.
Time's a wastin'.
Um, I'm, I'm, I'm just gonna,
you know, swim a couple laps.
Purify myself.
Okay.
Shit.
(Ethan)
I stlll think I suck.
You didn't suck.
You were fantastic.
He knows he didn't suck.
He's just, he's being manipulative
as a way to get more praise.
First of all, you don't play the violin,
so you don't know.
Mm-hmm.
And second of all, you always say
you didn't do good on a test
and then you get it back
and it's an A.
That's entirely different because
you can't know how you did on a test.
It's late, you guys.
Wash up and get ready for bed.
(Ethan)
You can't know how you did in a concert, either.
Dad, we're home.
And you don't know how
it's supposed to sound
'cause you're
not a musician.
(Ernie, slurred singing)
No gal made
Puts a shade
Sweet Georgia Brown
Guys all sigh, I wanna die,
for Sweet Georgia Brown
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[singing]
Hey.
I got it, Dad.
Have a little nightcap,
you know?
Jonah, can you help me?
Shirlee and I always liked
to have a little night cap.
Hey, where is old Shirlee, anyways?
Shirlee
Help me?
[groans]
All right.
I need a refill.
All right. We'll stand up first
and then I'll have a re-- Oh.
Are you sure, I mean,
absolutely sure
we have 28 shocking moments
in every act?
Maybe we should count them.
I think he's gonna
be in little piggy heaven.
What pig wouldn't be in heaven?
Sex in public? Mm?
True.
You know, I should
get a partner.
This is so much more fun
than writing alone.
Oh, it has its pros
and cons, believe me.
Well, you are
definitely a pro.
You're very good at this.
So are you.
You just need to listen
to that voice inside.
Trust it. Fuck what people say.
Hmm.
The only trouble is
all the other voices
all demanding equal time.
Gets difficult to hear your own.
Hmm.
I don't think that, uh, well,
I don't think I, I can--
Sure you can.
I don't think I can.
Yeah. Just think of it
as a creative release. Okay?
I can't. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I, I, I
can't do this.
How's Ernie?
Sleeping, finally.
I thought putting it
out of reach would be safe.
I guess I underestimated
his resourcefulness.
How was Ethan's concert?
Long. But he did great.
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
I didn't have a choice.
I had to work.
Does drinking help
the creative process?
We had some wine.
Is that a problem?
I have a job.
If I wanna keep it,
certain things are required of me.
Okay, fine. Be angry.
Why should tonight be any different?
I just wiped my father's ass
and now I'm cleaning up the vomit
from his alcoholic bender.
Am I allowed to be angry?
You're always angry.
You have a shitty
father, all right?
He's critical. He's negative.
He doesn't love you.
How long are you going
to hold onto them
until he's fuckin' dead?
So you're the only one
who gets to be angry.
I can see that what's happening
here is a huge downer for you.
You can add it to your list,
next to gay son
sucky job, and wife
who's over forty.
It's not quite the party
you were hoping for?
Maybe there's a better one
happening somewhere else.
I'm sorry
I missed your thing.
Mama said you were fantastic.
I sucked.
(Jonah)
Oh, God. You didn't suck.
You sounded great.
Ernie got drunk
and had diarrhea.
I heard.
It got on the floor
and Mama stepped in it.
Well, that explains
her chipper mood.
Then she started to cry.
Get some sleep.
Oongratulations.
[weeping]
[weeping]
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey, so listen.
I'm gonna go to Emily's tonight
and do some homework
and maybe watch a movie.
Is Emily's mother
gonna be there?
Why? I'm gay.
I'd still like an adult
to be present.
Sarah says she's bi,
but she hasn't even told her mother yet.
That's because Sarah's only
12 years old.
How can you possibly
know what you are
when you're only 12 years old?
Jonah knew when he was 12.
Okay, you. Come on. Come on.
I'm driving today and
I can't be late.
Let's go.
So can I tell Emily that
It's cool?
(Jeannle)
I can't take you.
I have to take Ernie
to an appolntment
that's gonna last a long time
and then I'm making dinner
and I just can't take you.
It's, it's okay.
I can walk.
Thanks.
So you're meeting
me there, right?
I will if I can.
I can't do this alone, Ned.
Can you please tell Garrett
it's an emergency?
I haven't even told Ernie yet.
Yeah, yeah. I'll,
I'll, I'll meet you there.
Tonight's okay.
So pick me up
at the corner of Lexington
and Jackson at seven.
[beep]
[knocks]
I brought you
some tea and toast.
[moans]
My head is throbbing.
And some aspirin.
No, I'm too nauseous.
That was a lot of
gin you consumed.
It's better if you keep it
in the freezer.
It's better if you
don't drink it.
That's what the
doctor said, right?
What the hell do
the doctors know?
They thought Tommy
had a parasite.
I found a place
I think you'll like.
There's a nurse
there on the premises.
They can bring you
whatever you like.
It's just not
working here, Dad.
I think you were right.
It was a mistake to
bring you out here.
You did the best you could.
I shouldn't have had children.
Shouldn't have been a father.
I didn't like mine, either.
Well, I don't give
a fuck what they think.
I am not changing a word.
Not a period, not a semicolon.
This is the story
I'm telling. Okay.
[beep]
I do not know if
I'm gonna make this season.
The fucking bloodsuckers
are sucking me dry.
Good first act.
Rewrite, excellent. The whole sex
in public session, I like it.
Need the rest by tomorrow.
Uh, Garrett, is there any chance
I could--?
Tomorrow.
[snlff]
The pollen count.
It must be at an all-time high.
What is this?
Okay. Three more acts to go.
Easy as pie.
I'm thinking
In Act Four--
Listen. Last night, I--
Just forget about it.
No. I shouldn't have--
I shouldn't have, either.
We were drinking.
We were loose. You're cute.
It won't happen again.
Let me just grab a coffee,
I'll be back in a sec.
I can't. Uh--
Do you, do you think maybe
we could do this later, like
in a couple of hours?
Yeah. No problem.
If I'm not here, I'll be at my place.
Stop by whenever.
I will get us a little sushi.
Brain food. We can
zip right through it.
(Jeannie)
I think if we put up
some of your art posters
your chair and your ottoman
could go over here.
Maybe we could get
a little bookshelf.
(Ned)
That'd be nice.
(Mitch)
We've got, uh, quite a few
residents from the Midwest.
Your neighbor across
the hall is from Ohio
I believe. He was a cardiologist.
My brother was
a cardiologist.
He thought it made him God.
(Mitch)
I think he'll be very happy here.
He won't be happy anywhere.
He's been depressed since the '50s.
[soft piano music]
The dining room looks nice.
And they have, uh, that,
that art appreciation guy
who comes in once a week.
I mean, that's right up your alley.
[cell phone rlngs]
Sorry.
[ringing]
Hey. No, I told him. Twice.
It is an emergency.
(old man number one)
I was a writer, too.
Published 15 novels.
Three of them optloned
by a major motion picture studio.
Uh, look, I gotta go.
It is-- I know.
I know it's important.
I was the head of Radiology
at Mount Sinai Hospital
for 40 years.
Now I don't even
know my own name.
Look, tell him I'll be there in an hour.
I'm leaving now.
(Anita)
You movlng in, hon?
Or just visiting?
We're all just
visiting, aren't we?
Are you hungry?
I found a deli that might
even be better than Abe's.
This is nice, isn't it?
It reminds me of that house
we rented.
I don't remember.
Belleville Lake?
I was a senior.
It was the summer
before Tommy died?
I don't know how you
survive losing a child.
Define survival.
I saw my first psychiatrist,
I was 28 years old.
Dr. Hochman.
He told me
that happiness
given my family history
was an unrealistic expectation.
You should have
found another doctor.
[chuckles]
I did.
Dr. Hochman proved
correct in his analysis.
[footsteps on stairs]
(Jonah)
Okay, I'm gonna go.
What time will you be back?
Um, by eleven?
All right. Call me
before you leave, okay?
Maybe Dada will pick you up.
Uh, it's no big deal.
I, I can walk.
Okay.
I'll have my cell on.
All right, bye.
Bye, love.
Ernie needs you.
He's having another anxiety attack.
[engine turns]
[radio music]
Hey.
You smell good.
[radio music]
[club music]
What's up, man?
He's with me.
So you want anything to drink?
Uh, I'm cool.
I'll get you a beer, okay?
I think we should probably
go in the nonalcoholic section.
Look, it doesn't matter.
These guys know me here. They're cool.
I can't remember the
last time I got high.
Hmm. I do my best thinking stoned.
Gets me out of the
whole linear thing, you know.
Think outside the box.
Hate the box.
It's never good.
I mean, if I was writing a novel,
I couldn't get past page one.
But, I mean, we're not
exactly curing cancer, right?
Now wait, no, no, no. Never
underestimate the healing powers of, uh
butt-plugs and three-ways.
So true.
[laughs]
[cell phone rings]
Hey.
How's it going?
Good. You know,
it's, uh, work.
How late do you
think you'll be?
Um, I don't know. Why?
Maybe you could pick Jonah
up on your way home?
I will if I can.
Ernie's having an anxiety attack.
He's upset about moving.
Makes sense.
We went to Murray's for lunch.
We had a picnic on the beach.
It was kind of fun, actually.
That's a switch.
Now that you're kicking him out
you actually like him.
Fuck--you.
Sorry. Look,
I should probably go. I--
I have to finish this tonight.
I'll call you when
I'm on my way home, okay?
[club muslc]
[French jazz music]
Your turn.
[groan]
This is surreal.
It's like I've stepped
into someone else's life.
Maybe it's your life
and you're stepping back into it.
Ooh. That scares me even more.
[laughs]
Jeannie doesn't do drugs.
She likes to be in control.
She likes the illusion of control.
[snort]
Life is too short for illusions.
I just wanna have
fun before the party ends.
[cell phone rings]
What? No,I have company.
None of your business.
Let's go for a swim.
Come on.
[club music]
Come on. Come on.
What are those?
Just a little something
to enhance the experience, okay?
It's a Foxy.
It's better than X.
Lasts twice as long and doesn't make
you nauseous. Come on.
No. I don't do drugs.
God, you don't do anything.
Your parents have you
under a lock and key.
This is gonna serve 'em right for
not trusting you. Here. Open your mouth.
No.
All right.
Here, swallow it?
Yes. You're gonna
like it. Trust me.Come here.
Hi. I'm sorry
to call so late.
It's Jeannie Freed,
Jonah's mother.
He was supposed to be home
at 11 and I left him a mes--
I thought he was spending
the evening with Emily.
I must have misunderstood.
Okay. Sorry to wake
you up. Bye-bye.
[beep]
[Ernie groans loudly]
Dad, what's wrong?
[groaning]
I can't breathe.
You're very cold. I'm
calling an ambulance.
[moaning]
Must cost a fortune to live here.
The more you spend, the more you get.
It's the law of attraction.
No matter how much I make, it seems like
we're always saving for the future.
Your future is here, Ned.
Right here. Right now.
Yeah.
[moaning]
(Matt)
Who the hell are you fucking now, your dad?
I told you I was busy.
Um, it, it's, it's okay.
Uh, I, I should go.
This another one
of your colleagues?
You know what, it's none
of your fucking business.
No. Well, I mean,
yeah, but, uh, hi.
I'm, I'm sorry.
There, this is a,
this, I should go.
No, don't.
He is. Now.
I need to talk to you.
- No, you need to get
your uninvited ass outta here.
- Hang on, hang on.
Not until we have
fucking talked!
- No, no, no, wait.
- Matt! What are you--?
What is he doing? Oh.
Get away from him.
What are you thinking?
Matt, don't, no!
Get off of him!
You idiot!
[Matt screams]
That fucking moron bit me!
[coughing]
Jesus! Matt!
[groaning]
You okay?
Yeah. I'm good. I'm good.
What?
I just need to talk to you.
Oh, fine.
I can't belleve you jumped in
with the Rolex I gave you.
Costs like $4,000, you jerk-off.
[ambulance siren wailing]
How is he?
What happened to you?
Your eye's all swollen.
Someone, uh, opened a door
as I was leaving
and it smashed into my face.
What's happening?
I don't know what's happening.
I'm waiting for the doctor
to come out and tell me.
I don't know where Jonah is.
Did you leave a message on his phone?
I've left three.
Did you try calling his friends?
What about Jasmine?
He hasn't been friends
with Jasmine in over a year.
Okay. What about
the other one? Ashley.
It was 11:30 at night.
I called you
but you were too busy to answer.
[beeping and calling]
Hey, it's me.
Uh, we're pretty worried about you,
so call us back, okay?
Little shit.
You smell like chlorine.
Oh, come on. It's not a big deal.
It was half a tab.
Listen, I need to go because
I told them I'd be home. Excuse me.
You always do what your mommy
and daddy tell you to? Look.
There's an upstairs.
Fifteen minutes.
We can do so much
in 15 minutes.
This is why you came, isn't it?
I told you I wasn't into drugs.
[club music out]
I don't understand
what that means.
(Dr. Lee)
The heart's operating at about 20% capacity.
The blood flow's just enough
to keep the muscle allve
but it won't be for long.
And what do you recommend?
We could run more tests,
some of them invasive
and see what our options are.
Don't you think we should--?
And the alternative to
that would be what?
To let nature take its course.
What does that mean
in terms of a prognosis?
It's not an exact science.
But my guess would be
two months at the most.
Probably less.
[cell phone rings]
It's Jonah.
[hospital background noises]
How are you feeling?
I don't like hospitals.
Your heart's not so good.
In fact, it sort of sucks.
They wanna go in
and do some tests.
No!
No more tests.
Ernie, if they
don't do something--
"Despise not death
"but welcome it, for nature wills it
like all else."
No more tests.
So what happened to your face?
I was, uh, leaving work
and someone slammed a door in it.
Where were you?
Uh, I went, I went dancing
with some friends from G S A.
They wanted to, to stay, so.
Was it fun?
It was okay.
Did you meet anybody interesting?
No.
You will, you know.
You're gonna find someone great.
A great guy who's
just right for you.
I promise.
Is he okay?
[sigh]
He seemed shaky.
I don't know what happened.
Did you guys have a fight?
No.
How's Ernie?
They brought him home
in an ambulance.
Hospital policy.
He thought it was
a police escort.
He seemed to enjoy it.
That was some sharp door.
Yeah.
Well, where is he?
I'm not waiting any longer.
Marni, call Ned.
Tell him we're moving on. And--
Sorry. I was just
finishing this up.
What happened to your eye?
Slammed it into
my steering wheel.
Did it help?
(Brlan)
Look, what if it's like, um--
What if it's like one of those, uh,
uh, those sexual assaults in Mexico.
I forget the name of the town.
(Erlc)
Uh, Ciudad Juarez.
We're breaking episode eight.
Yeah, right. It's like, you know,
the women are, um, uh, kidnapped and raped
and, uh, sometimes
tortured and killed.
Better.
They actually cut
the nipples off of the ladies
and they keep them for mementos.
That's disgusting.
Use it for sweeps.
Why stop there?
Why not make one
of them a cannibal?
You know, maybe you could take
the husbands of the women and, uh
and, uh, slice off
their penises and, uh
do what that guy
in Germany did.
You know, flamb and eat it
with a nice glass of sherry
before he hacks off
the rest of their limbs
and freezes that
for further consumption.
I mean, that'd really get 'em talking
by the water cooler, huh?
And then for the big finale,
maybe we could, oh, I don't know
scour the atrocities of,
uh, Rwanda and Darfur.
Forget the Nazi death camps,
I mean, those guys were pussies.
And see if we can't find some more
fun-filled sadomasochistic
games to keep 'em tunin' in.
That'd be fuckin'
fantastic, right?
Shock 'em to death.
Are you done?
To a crisp.
Oh, and I didn't slam my eye
into a steering wheel.
I mean, how fucking
dumb would that be?
I was attacked by Robin's
psychopathic ex-boyfriend
while she and I
were having public sex
In her very luxurious,very warm,
black-bottom swimming pool.
[door opens and closes]
Are you fucking crazy?
Sorry. It all just sorta came out.
[chuckles]
I told them you were kidding
that you're stressed out
over your father-in-law.
Look, Ned, I'm sorry
about what happened with my ex.
He just gets
wacko sometimes.
You should get
a restraining order.
Well, at least I'm not
stuck in a bad marriage.
I can get out
whenever it--
Stops being fun?
I never said it
was a bad marriage.
You were fucking me underwater.
I just assumed.
I thought fun is what
you were missing.
Yeah.
Me too.
[Brazilian music, female singing]
We used to do this
when I was little.
Pick up something, join us.
[music continues]
[music continues]
(Jeannle)
Dad, what happened?
What's happening?
I better lay down.
[music stops]
My legs are cold.
can't feel my toes.
She said you might have
trouble with your circulation.
Your hands are warm.
I don't wanna die alone.
You won't.
I'm right here.
"Nothing happens to anybody
which is not fitted by nature to bear."
Bullshit.
I couldn't say goodbye
to Tommy before he died.
I couldn't watch.
Dr. Karlin had to
give me a sedative.
I wasn't able to bear that--
losing Tommy.
[mumbling]
You're only human, Dad.
He was your son.
They're good, your boys.
They're beautlful.
I'm very lucky.
Sometimes luck has
nothing to do with it.
[sighing]
How's Ernie?
I think he's okay.
He doesn't seem to be
in any pain, so.
Thank you, God, for morphine.
It's hard, isn't it?
The whole--parents, children--
being married.
Yeah.
Kinda tough.
We have those two beautiful boys.
We must be doing something right.
Look--
Don't.
We'll talk about it later.
We'll work it out then, okay?
You look good.
I feel old.
But you look good,
that's the main thing.
[Ernie's death rattle]
[Ernie's last breath]
[knocking]
(Ethan)
I think Ernie needs you.
(Garrett)
Fantastic rewrite.
Midget sex?
Christian Right's
gonna be all over this.
What are you doing?
Leaving.
Just, uh, assumed
after my little, you know.
Self-righteous hyperbolic rant?
Yeah, that.
Well, not unless
you ask me nicely.
You were right.
Now, don't get used to that.
I don't say that very often.
But, you know,
sometimes I go over the top.
The women sex torture thing.
And even cable isn't ready
for cannibalism yet.
But, I do think a good
flamb penis story
you can put in on children's
television. Somewhere.
Just, I'll get it in.
Next season. And you--
Good to see you come out
get out of the box
and just fight there.
That was great.
Let loose.
Do it more often.
My son is gay.
He came out six months
ago, but he's--
he's known since he was twelve.
I just--
just thought you should know that.
Look at you.
You're not nearly as boring
as you pretend to be.
(Ethan)
Can I hold him?
He's heavy.
Are all his bones in
here and everything?
Pretty much. That's him.
[sniff]
I don't think I
want to be cremated.
I do.
I don't wanna take years
to decompose underground.
I don't really wanna
be burned, either.
I'm not sure what
the alternative is.
Maybe I can be stuffed
or something.
That way I'd always be around.
[soft gultar song,Life is Beautiful,
sung by Keb Mo]
Let's go drifting
through the trees
Let's go sailing
on the sea
Let's go dancing
on the juke-joint floor
And leave our troubles
all behind, and have a party
So easily forgotten are
the most Important things
Like the melody
and the moonlight in your eyes
And a song
that lasts forever
keeps on getting better
all the time
'Cause life is beautiful,
life Is wondrous
Every star above
is shining just for us
Life is beautiful,
on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world
the sun is shining bright
I get crazy, so afraid
that I might lose you
one fine day
And I'll be nothing
but a tired old man
And I don't wanna be
without you at the party
So easily forgotten,
the most important thing
is that I love you,
I do
And I want to spend
my days and nights
walking through this
crazy world with you
Life is beautiful,
life is wondrous
Every star above
is shining just for us
Life is beautiful,
on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world
the sun is shining bright
So easily forgotten,
the most important thing
is that I love you,
I do
And I want to spend
my days and nights
walking through this
crazy world with you
That's right, baby
Life is beautiful,
life is wondrous
Every star above
is shining just for us
Life is beautiful,
on a stormy night
Somewhere in the world
the sun is shining
Shining bright
[music out]