Ahhh!
So... where do you want to to begin?
Where things always begin.
In bed.
You never know when you wake up
that this is the day your life
is going to change.
It started out just
like any other day.
Hello?
Certainly, sir.
And here is where the train started
to go... a little off track.
I have had the unfortunate task
of eliminating several key staff.
Since you are one of
last people hired
I have no choice but
to start with you.
Now I know this is unexpected
but you are a very
capable young woman
and I am certain that you will be able
to find something right away.
So, if you wouldn't mind, I would
like you to empty out your desk
and vacate the premises immediately.
A security guard will show you out.
You're home early!
Finally, I get to meet Tom's sister!
Oh God, I've been waiting for so long
to meet you. I'm Teena,
with a double "e".
I don't need your department sticking
it's nose where it doesn't belong, all right?
But how this witness--
You have the right to a presence of an attorney.
If you desire not to afford an attorney,
one will get appointed to you
before any questioning--
...shot already, call it what you want,
but I'm telling you, that's the way it looks.
The phone didn't ring.
I got the house, the furniture...
his unpaid bills.
But Tom got all our friends.
So I did what any lonely girl with
no job and no man would do.
Oh, that was mine.
That isn't gonna fit you.
Trust me.
I- I- I put this aside.
My girlfriend is a size two.
Are you? A two?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
And here's when the train
got completely derailed.
You simply cannot go around
beating up men, Ms. Case.
The state of Texas doesn't like it.
But, Judge, he stole my blouse!
- Were you wearing it at the time?
- No.
I'm sentencing you to 12 months
of outpatient treatment
at the Center For Rage Management,
once a week, for an hour.
If you sucessfully complete the program,
your record will be expunged.
But--
Or... 52 hours in jail.
Your choice.
And that's how I
ended up there... with them.
I'm Stella.
And I use my car as a weapon.
Ahhhh!
He lived.
She only hit her husband.
They were going through a bad divorce.
Hi, I'm Nikki.
And I- I don't use my words.
It wasn't her fault. The guy would
never take his clothes out of the dryer.
I'm Marsha.
And I... treat my help badly.
Once upon a time,
she'd been a Miss Tennessee.
But her ex husband had just left her
for her younger version of herself.
She took it out on her maid.
Kim. Assault and battery
with a salad fork.
Looking back, it's not so
hard to believe that
you put a bunch of angry, violent
women in the same room
something bad might happen.
Well, can I send you my resume?
And then if anything opens up, you can call me.
Well, could I-
could I give you my name?
Take that!
Ha!
Well that's a very unique thing to share.
I'm sure you'd made
your mother very happy
- and she must be very relieved.
- Thank you.
Alex, you've been awfully quiet. Is there anything
you'd like to share with the group?
No, I'm fine.
- Doesn't look like it.
- Yeah, I- I'm fine.
I mean, after all that I did for him,
I- I paid the bills
and I supported his song writing career.
Putz.
Why are they always named Tina?
With a double "e".
Oh, do you mean her name
or her bra size?
You know, Alex, every relationship
requires two participants.
So you were definitely in this for a reason.
Any thoughts on this, ladies?
- The classic fixer.
- Classic.
W- What does that mean?
Well, it means, uh, that you
like to fix people
and then it makes you feel needed.
I mean, it's not your fault, you know.
It's a sickness.
When Tom didn't need you any more,
it made you angry.
And you took it out on
the guy in the store.
Which is also totally
fine with me, I mean...
he sounded like an asshole.
All that trouble over a synthetic blend.
It was a very nice shirt.
Oh, well, I think we did really
great, great work today.
I'll see you next week.
Bye-bye now.
Hi!
Alex!
Hey! Come join us.
Come on in.
This is the little Muhammad Ali.
- Welcome.
- You're way behind us. Ya gotta catch up.
They only want an hour.
- Alex, you have to show us.
- Okay.
I was, like, "Don't push me around!
Shut up, jerk! Oh yeah?"
I'm taking this, okay?
- Thanks.
- Oh my God!
Oh, excuse me. Sorry.
Two beers.
Did I just imagine that?
Silent Revolution now.
Silent Revolution.
That's the thing about loneliness.
It makes you overlook the obvious.
And honestly, I liked these women.
They were a little nuts, but
are interested in me
and what I had to say.
So what happened next
didn't seem that strange.
I gotta go home.
I got work tomorrow. No, I do.
I don't have to get up.
Accountant seeks work, film at 11.
Really?
And then she offered me a job.
She owned an extermination business
and gotten herself in trouble with
the I.R.S. over some back taxes.
- Hey!
- Hey, how's it going?
Great.
Well, the good news is that
I have it all figured out.
The bad news is it's a pen, not a wand
and you are going to owe the government
some money for 2005 and 2006.
Ohh, really?
Aw, I got a kid in college.
The last thing I need
is some big, fat tax bill.
Can't we cheat?
No, I'm just jokin'.
Are you hungry? I made some lasagna.
Smell!
I still cook for four, even though
all the kids are gone. I still do it.
I really do miss 'em.
- Do you cook?
- Well, that was Tom's department,
but, looking back, he really
didn't do much of that, either.
What did he do all day?
Oh. Yeah, I guess that
takes up a lot of time.
Did you really try to kill your
husband with your car?
Yeah... Couple o' times.
But, see, my granddaddy, he started
this whole business.
And then me and jackass
were running it,
you know, together.
And then, when we decided to get divorced,
he tried to steal it from me, you know.
So I rammed him a couple times.
I don't know what the big deal is, 'cause, you know, because
when Kathy Bates does it in Fried Green Tomatoes,
everyone claps and they cheer.
And then when I do it, it's like...
a felony, you know.
So, the Judge decides to take the whole business
and split it right down the middle.
Um, I have Travis and I have Hays,
and Bastrop. That's my section.
And he has Burnet
and Blanco and Llano.
And as long as I stayed on my side,
I'm fine.
Oh, shoot.
ABC Pest, big and small,
we get 'em all.
Oh.
Okay... Yeah, that would be great.
See you then.
I.R.S. guy on Friday.
Can we, uh, get you anything?
Maybe some coffee?
No.
How about a big piece
of pecan pie?
No. Thank you.
Mr. Hutt, you know, I--
always wondered, you know,
how does someone choose a
career in the I.R.S.?
I mean, is it something
you've always wanted to do?
Sorry, Hutt, keep failing
you psych evaluation.
But I'm on new meds.
Yeah.
No.
Yes.
Why don't you go file something?
Mm. Yeah, maybe I will.
Well, if you need anything at all,
just let me know.
Well, everything seems
to be in order.
- You've done some good work here, Miss Case.
- Thank you.
Now, uh, we need to talk about
a payment schedule.
Right. Uh, my client was hoping to make
quarterly payments
spread out over... 60 months.
60 months? Ooh!
60 months. Oh.
60 months. 60 months would
be, uh, highly unusual.
But, uh, exceptions could be made.
Well, maybe we could, uh, talk about it,
you know, over dinner.
Oh!
Um, I- I don't think that's a good idea.
Are you sure?
- Um, oops! I'm so sorry.
- Very hot.
Let me give you something, um...
Is that really hot?
- Yes.
- Oh, does it hurt?
Hey! Look what I just whipped up,
Want some fresh ham?
You'll be hearing from me, Ms. Agovino.
Drop by any time.
What's going on with his pants?
He asked me out to dinner and
put his hand on my knee,
- and then I just threw coffee on his crotch.
- Oh.
It was great.
Dammit!
I saw that stain on his pants
and I- I thought you did me a favor.
Oh well.
Oh yeah.
That's neat.
I was a half an hour late.
He hit you with a closed fist?
Oh, so, if he hit her with an open fist,
he's a half way decent guy?
- You have to leave him.
- I can't.
He said that if I ever leave him,
he'll find me and kill me.
Thank you.
My sweet little beautiful. Mm...
Where the hell were you been, baby?
Rick, please don't do this here.
All right?
I asked you a damn question.
But... I think I already
know the answer.
Being here with your little... bitch brigade.
It's not like that, okay?
We're just-- we're just having a beer.
Trying to get laid?
No, we're just having a beer.
I'll tell you what, that's fixin' to change tonight.
C'mon. Let's go.
Rick, just stop it!
Stop, okay?
Come on, asshole!
Let's go! Huh?
I'll handle this.
- That's it.
- Why you got two badasses in here?
You got three seconds to get outta here
or you get the ugly stick.
Uh, you're the ugly stick.
I'll see you later, Gandit!
Okay?
You're not. Someone's got to
take you to the hospital.
- You might want to go out the back door.
- Yeah, bring her out the back.
I'll take you. I'm still on
the Board at Memorial.
- Oh shit!
- Want me to go?
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry.
Will you call us and tell us
that she's okay?
I don't believe that just happened.
I don't believe it.
Come on, I gotta catch the bus, they're gonna stop
running soon. We don't want him to come back.
- No, you know what? I'm gonna give you a ride.
- Are you okay to drive?
Yeah, I'm a little drunk, but that was
so sobering, I can't even tell ya.
Do you want me to drive?
Yeah, if you drive, then I can drink.
That's so messed up.
This car is as big as a boat.
Mm. And with my car issues
we should be riding in a monster truck.
Hey! Is that that guy?
That's Rick!
Oh my gosh, there he is.
Oh, that jerk.
You got to follow him.
- Come on, you got to follow him!
- Okay.
What? I just wanna see
where he's going.
Don't lose him.
- You're gonna have to speed up.
- Okay, okay. Calm down.
- You can't lose him!
- Okay!
Ah, man. What an ass.
He's the number one asshole.
And, look, we're right up his crack.
Hey, Stell, what happens when you go
in one of Trent's counties?
Oh, well, technically, I could be arrested.
- This is crazy.
- No, this is fun!
This is like Charlie's Angels.
Mm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But the original with Farrah.
Where is this bastard taking us?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I said I'm fine!
You know, I just can't believe that some...
jerk like him, would-- would, I mean,
what kind of animal would
hit a girl like that?
- You said you were fine.
- I know.
But I lied.
I thought you only hit your husband!
Well-- well, I'm expanding my operations.
Fuck you!
Where-- Where'd he go?
Oh, oh, wait! Look out!
- Holy shit!
- ...we gonna have a good time...
Wow! Do you think he's dead?
Yeah, he's dead.
But... I didn't hit him that hard.
I'm going to jail.
No, I was the one that was driving.
Yeah, but thy're never going to believe that.
I'm the one with the record and the car.
Well-- well, should we call the police?
Yeah, you do that,
we'll all really to jail.
It was an accident.
We're three drunk women
with assault records.
Shouldn't even be allowed out the
county for Christ's sake.
Cone on, let's get out of here.
Come on.
What if the kids in
pick-up truck saw us?
No, no, no.
They would've stopped.
Look, I think it's just best if we don't say
anything, you know. Just get out of here.
No, I think nothing is suspicious.
You know, when I was in my dark place,
I watched a lot of Law & Order
and I realized that most
people get convicted
because someone confesses.
So if we keep our mouths shut
then we have a chance.
- I-- I do not want to jail.
- Me neither.
Yeah, it sucks.
All right, well... good. Deal. Let's get
out of here. Then we won't say anything.
Okay, well, let's get our story straight, okay?
So you dropped me off at 11,
I drove home, I read,
and I-- I went to bed.
I-- I took the bus.
No, don't take the bus 'cause the driver's gonna
remember someone who looks like you at midnight, so
so Stella dropped me off at 11 and
then she took you home.
Okay.
All right. All right.
Well, I-- I gotta stop and get gas.
- Okay, just-- just don't stop anywhere.
- Why not?
Because gas stations have cameras and then
they'll know what time you were there
and we don't want them to know.
Wow, you are really smart.
How do you know this shit?
Law & Order.
I need another... drink.
Rick was an accident.
We didn't mean it.
But what's done was done. We-- we were
better off just keeping out mouths shut.
- Stella.
- Yeah, I'm reading it right now.
And it says, "Probably due to a
dimly lit road." Yeah.
Alex, hold on on a second.
ABC Pest. Big or small, we get 'em all.
Uh-huh, all right. All right.
Hold on, please.
- Hey, Gary?
- Yeah?
We got a lady with a possum in a pool.
Can you please deal with this?
- Got it.
- Thank you.
- Anyway, I jus--
- Come in!
--it's just so weird that
they would print it.
Alex? I'm gonna call you back.
Hey! What's up?
I just came by to tell you
I'm leaving town for a while.
Awww! What a bummer.
Is- Is Rick okay with that?
Rick's dead.
- What?
- There was a car accident...
The police said he must have been drunk
'cause the car went on off the cliff.
Uh! Gosh, that's horrible!
I'm so sorry. Go--
- The police? Found him?
- Yeah.
They also said that some kids
saw an old blue car parked nearby.
Wow.
Kids and... drugs...
Kids are so messed up nowadays.
Anyway, um...
I wanted to give you this.
Yeah, I've been saving up
money for when I left him.
I don't need it any more.
- Kim, I- I don't know what's going on--
- Stella, just take the money.
Look, I- I told the cops that I was
hanging out with you guys at the bar
before I went to the hospital,
so, they're probably gonna come here
and- and confirm my story.
- Well, you know--
- You should- you should get yourself a new car.
Quick.
Well, I- I just want you to know that it's
not like they way you think it happened--
I don't wanna know.
Just take it.
And thank you.
You're welcome.
Alex? Call Nikki.
We got to meet.
Then, she hands me this.
$10,000 in a hundred dollar bills.
That's $3,333.33 each.
Look, we can't keep it.
We got to give it back.
No we don't. She wants us to have it.
It's like a gift, it's like a baby shower.
Yeah, a gift!
A very generous gift.
By accepting it, we acknowledge
that we did it.
- Oh yeah. You know, that's not good.
- Uh, yeah, but except for we did it!
We didn't do it on purpose.
You- you have to give it back.
I can't, I don't-
I don't even know how to reach her.
Plus, she said she really
wanted us to have it.
Yeah, think about her, Alex.
It's not about you.
He was an asshole, anyway.
No one cares!
She's happy he's gone, you know?
Besides, uh, we really need the money.
Yeah, I know I do.
Okay, we keep it, but we
have to do it legally.
We enter it as a receivable
from a client.
And then we pay the taxes on it and then
we distribute it to ourselves as a salary.
You wanna give the government
some of that?
Well, Uncle Sam doesn't care how the pie
got baked, as long as he gets a piece.
You gotta be kidding me.
And, Stell, you gotta get rid
of that car today.
- Yeah, even Kim said that.
- Law & Order.
Now we wait for the police.
Very nice.
Okay, that's it, Jeffrey.
You can go now.
- Be sure you stay away from that candy.
- Thank you, Dr. McGuire.
See ya, kid.
Excuse me.
I'm Detective Burke and
this is Detective Gardner.
Uh, were you working here
last Saturday night?
Yeah, he came in and started
slapping her around,
I showed him the ugly stick
and his way out the front door.
We went put for a few drinks, and then the asshole
shows up, he hits her and then they left.
- And that was about 11.
- What did you do then?
Stella dropped me off at the office,
and then I drove home and went to bed.
I, uh, I dropped the girls off
and then I drove home
and I had a snack and
then I went to bed.
I took a shower
and went to bed.
What?
Alexandra Case?
Austin College, Class of '97?
- Yeah, how do you know that?
- Class of '98.
Oh.
Nice to meet you, I guess.
I'm sorry, Detective,
but Doctor-Patient Privilege
prevents me from discussing anything
that's talked about in therapy.
Unless that person confesses their intention
to commit a felony such as murder.
I can assure you Kim Clark never
discussed killing her husband.
Our records indicate that Mrs. Clark
was in mandated therapy
for assaulting her husband with a fork.
Do your records mention the events
that led up to that incident?
I didn't think so.
Prior to her arrest, Mr. Clark had beaten
her over the head with a cell phone.
He then threatened her with a knife.
So she defended herself with a fork,
stabbing him once in the chest.
And the Judge decided that is was she
that needed anger therapy.
I think it's pretty ironic, don't you?
Well, I think the bottom line here, Ma'am,
is that a man is dead.
A very violent man who was a spousal abuser
and a chronic alcoholic.
So, you think it's okay
that he's dead?
No, I'm just not surprised.
Rick's body had a blood alcohol level of 2.0,
twice the legal limit.
So everyone just thought he lost
control of his car. Case closed.
Hey, Alex, hurry up!
The session's about to begin.
Coming!
And that would have been the end of it...
if it weren't for Danielle.
So even though I'm surrounded by
my household staff all day long
I just feel so alone.
Well, usually something triggers
these episodes of despair.
What happened?
Well, um, I was watching this movie
and this man is in a hotel room and
wakes up with a hooker in his bed
and she's dead.
And he immediately gets on his phone
and calls ten friends.
And... it just got me thinking
that if I woke up with
a dead hooker in my bed,
I wouldn't have anyone to call.
Thank you for sharing, Marsha.
Oh! Well, um, we're gonna
pick up next week on
Marsha's feelings of alienation
and fears of abandonment.
But, before we end the day, I'd like
to introduce a new member to our group.
Or better yet, why don't
you introduce yourself?
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Danielle.
Her husband was this hotshot lawyer
and he always cheated on her.
She said the final straw was when she
caught him with the Russian facialist
using the certificate that she
gave him for Christmas.
She was staring at me.
I mean, why was she staring at me?
I know you guys always think
that I'm paranoid and stuff--
- She knows.
- Yeah, see, I-- I dunno--
Hey! Hey! I wondered if I could
talk to you a sec.
Sure. I mean, we're all friends here.
Listen, my friend Kim, she told me
I could talk to you about my problem.
To see if you could take care of it.
I'm sorry, but we can't help you.
Come on, guys.
You know, I can pay you.
Yeah, he has that
"home, a rich white guy" smirk.
You guys, this is wrong. We shouldn't
even be talking about this.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
- What?
- She's right.
What?
Fine.
- So you're gonna tell her?
- Oh, yeah, I'm gonna tell her.
I should have been suspicious.
They gave in way too easy.
But I wanted to put it behind me
because, suddenly, I had
other things to think about.
Hey! Excuse me, but
the pumpkin pie is mine.
I don't see your name on it.
Well, I-- I put it on the counter.
Sir, that pie is mine.
Is there a problem here?
Nope. No problem.
- Officer... Burns?
- Burke, Burke. Daniel Burke.
You didn't have to do that.
I was resolving my conflict peacefully.
Oh, I'm sorry, I was just tryin' to help.
Uh, pumpkin's my favorite.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Hey! Can I help you with your stuff?
Oh, ah, it's okay, I'm fine.
Miss Case, I have a confession to make.
I thought it was the criminals
that make the confessions.
Well, in this case, it's the good guy.
Um, you-- you wouldn't this, but
in-- in college I had a
terrible crush on you.
Well, since you have your dessert,
why don't you let me buy your dinner?
Umm, I don't think that--
that's a good idea.
Oh, okay.
I mean, it's not for you,
you seem really nice... and cute.
Um, I jus-- I just got out of this
long thing with this big jerk, and
I just have, uh, a lot of issues.
It's just dinner, um.
It's never just dinner.
Hmm. Um.
- Are you married?
- No.
- Engaged?
- No.
Okay, I just want to be clear,
so there's no confusion later,
is there anyone who would object
to you asking a single woman out
in the fruit and vegetable and pie
section of the supermarket?
Oh, you're-- you're
interrogating me now, that's--
Bad answer, but thanks for playing.
Wait, wait, I'm sorry, the--
the answer is no.
There's no one out there that
would be, um, angry
that I, uh, whatever--
whatever it was you said, no.
No.
So?
Christ!
This guy is such a tool.
Ok, well, calm down,
we can figure this out.
No, I'm not gonna calm down!
He calls this a payment plan?
He's gonna put me out of business.
This makes no sense,
He wants everything in 90 days?
I know, I mean, I don't have
that kind of money.
Gosh, why don't you go out
and have dinner with him?
Or, or ss-- I wish you'd
slept with him.
Come on, be a whore for a friend.
I know, I know, but--
- Shit!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- What are you doing here?
I work here now. The dentist fired me.
Accident with the drill.
He lived.
So you're an exterminator now?
God, no, I'd never kill an animal.
She's just in here doing some stuff
for me around the office.
We're expanding.
Nikki, don't bore her with all this stuff.
I don't think we're gonna be expanding anyway
'cause that guy's taking all my money.
So? How's your life going?
Stella suggested an herbal seance
for full karmic cleansing.
Then Marsha got me an interview
at her cousin's husband's
accounting firm.
And my dinner date turned out to be
funny and charming and smart and
he has a job.
What does he do?
He's, um, a--
Since therapy is all
about being honest
I really should have said, "He's the
detective who's investigating
the death of Kim's husband
which Stella, Nikki and I did by the way."
But, what I said was...
Postman.
A postman! Great!
I did feel guilty about lying, but
with my track record with decent men
I figured we'd be broken up
in a week, so, why bring it up?
So when's your big date?
Oh, um, I wanted to talk to you
about that later.
Just one more second!
Okay, so I preheated the oven.
No, the eggplant appetizer
needs to be served cold.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, it always tastes better.
But, the chicken, the chicken, you wanna take
a little bit of brown sugar and sprinkle it on 'im.
And then, uh, then put it in
the oven for 25 minutes at 350.
Yeah. No, he's gonna love it.
All men like that.
No, I'm proud of you.
I think you're doin' a good job.
Psst!
Oh, yeah, and, uh... (No, bigger!)
I need, um, actually...
You know, I want to ask you, this
doesn't look like chicken parmesana.
No, see, I didn't have mozzarella at all.
So, I made a baked chicken
with an onion glaz.
Yeah. And it worked.
Yup. Psst! Psst!
(Tape.)
I have total faith in you.
And I... absolutely.
No, I think you're doing great.
And, uh, I hope you got a centerpiece.
Two!
Well, I don't know, I like
green apples in a vase
and then just fill it with water.
Well, maybe, uh, next time.
Okay, I'm... done!
What are you guys doing tonight?
Nothing.
Now, on to the Crme Brle.
They're so cute.
So you keep the blowtorch on low.
And then what you do is, you just slow-ly, slowly
fire it up so you don't burn the skin on top.
Okay. Okay, blowtorch on low.
And that's about it.
Ohhh! Look!
Love that.
Thank you so much.
I'll call you tomorrow.
This is just in to us. An attorney from
Houston has turned up dead in East Austin.
The body of private malpractice attorney
Steven Cantor was found lying in an alley
behind the night club Chaos
around 3 in the morning.
Sources tell us Cantor was bludgeoned
to death with a golf club.
The police believe it was a robbery gone bad.
Cantor's wallet and watch are missing.
Cantor's wife, Danielle, has been
unavailable for comment.
Word is that she was vacationing
in Aruba with sons Jer...
- Something smells good.
- ...at the time of the attack...
I told myself it was all a coincidence.
The papers said Cantor was
high on ecstasy and Viagra.
He was definitely out looking for trouble.
Maybe, he found it.
Either way, it was none of my business.
You are an amazing cook.
It was nothing.
You know, my girdle is so tight, it's
making me breathe differently.
Hm. That's a bonus.
Oh my God, it's Alex!
Hey, Alex! I'm gonna put you
on speaker phone.
- Where are you?
- We're at the mall.
Well, damn, I need some things from there.
Why didn't you tell me?
Mm, it was a last minute thing, Al.
Sorry.
What time you guys getting here?
We'll be there soon, Alex. Real soon.
We just have one thing we have to do first.
- Alex, we gotta go.
- Oh, wait! While you're there, can you--
- Ready?
- Let's roll.
- They came over?
- Yes.
You didn't notice the blood on her shirt?
She said it was ketchup.
And you believed her?
I'm not a suspicious person.
But then there was Saint Patrick's Day.
We were all out celebrating early.
You know, singing, drinking...
...a transvestite where it's...
a guy going into a girl
or it's a girl going in--
transgenderous thing but...
You can- You can rent him for the evenin'.
He comes to your house
and he, uh, he gives you blowjob lessons.
No way.
And I thought it would be great
for a party, or, like, for--
we could- would could rent him for one of you.
Marsha, he certainly, well, probably needs help.
Yeah... I'm Catholic.
I know, but guys won't pay
for something like that.
Oh, niiice! Oh!
- I mean, like, we'll make the investment.
- Yeah, yup. That's true.
I'm joking.
Oh my God, that guy just groped me.
- What? Where?
- What do you mean?
- That guy over there.
- Which guy? That guy?
- Look- Look what he's doing.
- You gotta to be kidding me.
This is the best. I love it!
I'm sorry.
Why does he think it's okay
to get drunk and to do that?
- I don't know.
It's not.
- Uh-oh. Here goes crazy.
- Shut up.
Dude, dude, dude, dude!
Come on. Come on!
What's she gonna do?
I'm sorry, baby, hold on.
What's up, mama?
Hmm. Thank you. Oh, you're so cute.
He's so cute!
Marsha, where do we go to
hock our jewelry?
- Wow!
- Oh! I mean, just give me enough time.
Enough time and it's
gonna be real somethin'.
Yeah, well,
it would be best to use the state people.
It's like water in your hands.
They melt every mother fuckin' time.
Babies, how beautiful. I love you.
- Thanks for the light, Hun.
- Oh, mama, you got it. Ohh, baby Jesus!
Play it cool.
Play it cool.
- Alright, you know what? Marsha, you--
- I- I- I- I--
Oh my God, we have to get out of here.
- Sit down! I'm gonna enjoy this.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, dude! Dude!
You're on fire!
- Oh shit!
I'm gonna miss it!
- It's getting good!
- Call the fire department. Quick! Quick!
Silent Revolution, Al.
You know that guy could have
really been hurt?
So what?
He was an asshole.
You know, the city is full of assholes.
You can't go around setting them all on fire.
Why not?
Why not?
What?
...asshole.
You know, the city is full of assholes.
You can't go around setting them all on fire.
Why not?
Why not?
...and there was six of us, all girls.
Hm! Poor father, God rest his soul.
And, you know, he worked for the electric company
and my mom was a housewife
and so we never had any money.
And I'm the fourth of six
so, forget about having anything new.
Which normally, you know,
doesn't really bother me, but...
This one time, this is one time, I saw
this dress in the window of Dress Barn
and I wanted to wear it to my Junior prom.
God, I begged my mother.
God, I begged her.
Mm. But... then my sister Mary Beth
goes and breaks her arm.
So there goes the money for
the dress, you know.
And I'm at school the next day,
bitchin' about Mary Beth and then
Bo Turner tells me
he'll pay me fifty bucks
if I have sex with his older brother.
I mean,
You'll pay me?
These days you might say...
Michael was, I dunno, mentally challenged.
Back in the day, we just called him a retard.
So I go over there after school
and I do it, no big deal
and I go find Bo to get my money.
And the loser refuses to pay me.
I mean, I didn't actually think
you'd go through with it.
So I'm like, "You better pay me."
And he's like, "No, I didn't think you'd do it."
And I'm like, "Well, I did it, so pay me."
And then he's like, "No."
So finally, I tell him, "Pay me or I'm gonna
tell the Reverend and your mother
what you asked me to do."
You better find it.
And he don't think I'm gonna do it.
And I'm like, look, I already had sex with him.
The worst part's over. Like, what do I have to lose?
He pays me the money, I go straight
to Dress Barn, I buy the dress
and they vote me Prom Queen.
Love that dress.
I still have it.
So what about any of you?
Anyone else here ever fuck a retard for a dress?
Um... Once I let my husband
put his penis in my anus
for a Cartier necklace.
Does that count?
Yeah.
Hey, what are you doing home? I thought
Tuesday was your night out with the girls.
- We had a fight.
- About what?
Nothing. You know, I'm sure
it's gonna be fine. Um, how's work?
- It's busy.
- Oh really? Okay.
- Dan, we gotta move.
- Al, I gotta go, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
- Love you. Bye.
- Love you.
You can't tell you cop boyfriend that
your pals like to set
drunken frat boys on fire.
- Oh, hey. Alex!
- Hey.
Hey! What are you doing here?
Oh, I just--
Is Nikki here?
Yeah... yeah.
Hey, Nikki!
How you doing in there?
Yeah?
- Uh, guess what? Alex is here.
- Huh?
- Alex.
- Hold on!
Why don't you... come on in?
Uh... Nikki's just, uh, finishing up some work.
Cool. Thanks.
Hey, Nikki!
Here we are!
- Hey.
- Hey!
- Cool outfit.
- Thanks, thanks.
Look, um... I'm sorry about last week.
I think- I think I overreacted.
No, it- it wasn't your fault.
I mean...
It was me, you know. And then--
Still not- still not using my words, you know.
Forgive me.
- Of course. I just... really missed you guys.
- And we missed you! We did.
Talk about perfect timing.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Here, it says it's "Special Delivery"... from the postman.
- Thank you.
You guys are the best.
Hi, is Detective Burke here?
Thank you.
Uh, guys, let's take 5.
Get in here.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't worry about it, they're just jealous.
- Wow, what is that?
- Ah, city homicides.
Are all these pins dead people?
Ah, yeah, specifically males, 25 to 55.
Oh, and what are the different colors?
Well. The red are violent crimes. You know,
stabbings, shootings, fires, that kind of thing.
He had this accident with a drill, you know.
Yellow are less violent, you know.
Like vehicular accidents... cars, bikes.
I lied.
What are the white?
Digestives. You know, poisonings?
- Mostly arsenic.
- Arsenic.
Yeah. Strange, huh?
Hey, I'm gonna go heat this up.
Oh. How fast was that session?
All right. Well... hold on to your problems
and I'll see you all next week.
- And then it was kind of fun.
- I don't know.
Hey! We're all going to the dive bar, right?
I think I'm just gonna go home.
Oh, come on!
We're going to McNasty's. You know.
Well, I really have to catch up on my sleep, so, um,
see you guys later.
Uh! Really?
Should we follow her?
...and I have a confession to make. You know,
this, uh, pumpkin pie, when I say I love it so much,
I really, really, really love key lime pie.
Do you like key lime pie? I lov--
My mom used to do make it this, this way
and she put the crust on it with it. It just...
Amazing. For really good behavior
she'd reward us with key lime pie.
For just moderate behavior,
she'd reward us with pecan pie.
And, um... Is everything okay?
I- I feel like there's something on your mind.
No, I'm fine.
What's the matter?
What if you found out that a friend
of yours was doing something wrong?
Something really, really bad.
What would you do?
If you're really her friend...
I think you try to get her to stop.
- Alex?
- I thought I saw a friend.
Aah!
Who are you?
Oh, Alex, I'm pretty sure
you know who we are.
We've been waiting for you, Alex. And now that you're here,
it's time for you to answer some questions.
Like, for instance,
what in the hell is going on?
I don't know what you're talking about.
We've been sitting up in Heaven laughing
about how you girls just pretend--
Oh, come on!
You guys are in Heaven?
Hey! We're some damn good guys.
Oh, that's not what I heard. I mean, I don't
think anyone misses you. You guys are jerks.
- Hey, hey! Our mommies miss us. A lot.
- Yeah.
Well, I don't think that counts cause I'm sure
that Ted Bundy's mom misses him.
I never killed anyone,
unlike certain people... in this room.
All right, well I understand why you're haunting me,
but what are you doing here?
Jesus, she still doesn't get it.
We would not be here
unless you... let us in.
Why would I do that?
Because you know what's going on, Alex.
You know what they're doin'. You know what
they're doin' and it's your job to stop it.
I don't wannna talk about it.
- Come on, Alex.
- Wake up, Alex!
- Al-ex.
- Wake up, Alex. Wake up, wake up, wake up...
Hey, Alex. Alex, wake up.
Alex! Alex, wake up!
- Ahh!
- Jesus!
- Uh uh uh!
- "Postman", huh?
- I'm sorry about that.
- We trusted you, Alex.
- Yeah, we thought you were our friend.
- Well, I'm still your friend.
Then why didn't you say anything?
Yeah, I wasted a whole
Bray's rack of lamb on you, too.
Well, I didn't tell you because
I didn't think it was gonna work out.
- What did you tell him about us?
- Nothing, I would never tell him about Rick.
I was the one driving, remember?
- Ah.
- What's going on here?
We woke up with a dead hooker in our bed
and we don't have anyone else to call.
So you guys ain't gonna... hurt me?
Alex, my God, you gotta stop
watching those cop shows.
They're making you weird.
No...
We want you to be happy.
It's just... I've got some big
shit going down.
What?
I'm being audited and I need your help.
So why don't you just pay Uncle Sam
what he's owed and be done with it?
- Uh.
- It's a little more complicated than that.
Yeah. We had a little side business going.
Well, what kind of side business?
Well, it was... pest removal.
Four-legged... or... two?
Do you mind if I take a shot?
No shit, huh?
Really? A whole bulletin board!
You guys, I don't understand
how you could do this.
We're sick, Alex.
You know that.
- We have issues.
- Yeah, you know.
We can't really help it.
These guys were assholes.
We only did it to the guys that deserved it.
- We actually turned a lot of women down.
- Yeah.
I gotta know, do you think
the police are onto us?
Well, I don't think so, but they might be soon.
You guys gotta stop doing this right away.
I know! We will.
We will.
Alright, we will, but...
It's just this... damn I.R.S. guy, you know.
He's a problem.
This is where you come in.
I have this whole money mess thing happening and
I need you to straighten it out before Tuesday.
Well, I don't get it.
Why is money is a problem?
- I did what you did.
- You put it through the company?
I didn't wanna break the law.
I mean, you're the one who said, that, you know, how Uncle Sam
didn't care how the pie gets made, as long as he gets a piece.
Well, how big... is the pie?
It's pretty big.
Even I'm not that good.
- Oh, come on, Alex, we need your help.
- Alex, please.
Oh, come on. Really, Alex?
We... we need you.
That's what every fixer loves to hear.
That someone needs them.
I wasn't doing anything wrong.
I was... just doing my job. ABC was my client.
I was like Switzerland or the military.
"Don't ask, don't tell." Right?
How did you guys come up with
the idea to use arsenic?
They saw on T.V.
Oh yeah, but this one is an old classic.
It's called Arsenic and Old Lace.
You know, Cary Grant...
I mean, jus' no one's better than Cary Grant.
If I was gonna build a man, I'd build him.
I just love that they kill him with arsenic, you know.
Put him in the window seat. It's great.
Oh!
I think she just douched with patchouli.
Oh, wait.. You-- this... this is it.
It looks like enough?
No, way more.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, Harmony.
Um, I was just wondering how much this is.
- It's, uh, 84.50 a pound.
- Oh.
- Arsenic, huh?
- Yeah, yeah, I actually need it for my work.
- Oh.
- We're exterminators.
Don't you guys use, uh, chemicals for that?
No, actually, uh...
you know, with everyone going green now,
uh, we came up with a more holistic approach.
Just because you're gonna kill something,
doesn't mean you hafta harm the environment.
- Yeah.
- I see.
Well, um, how much of this stuff
would I need to kill a rat?
- 'Bout... that much... right here.
- Oh.
What about a horse?
Mmm... like, two of those.
Could we-- do you have any in back?
We need enough to kill a whole herd of horses.
You know, actually, water's the problem.
You know, because you got to get them to
drink a lot of it or else it doesn't work.
So liquor, wine... no problemo.
- It was that easy?
- Yup!
And then, you know, word got out and pfff! You won't
believe how many unhappy women there are in this world.
And no court of law is ever
gonna give them justice.
Well, didn't it ever occur to you guys
that you could be caught?
You know, the Lakota Indians... they believe
that when you've made a decision
you know, and you've...
really committed to something,
that the whole universe aligns
behind you, you know, to kind of...
propel you forward.
I know, I think the Indians say it better,
but I know what you mean.
You get it, though. Right?
Okay. I'll see what I can do.
Is there anything else you'd like
me to explain to you, or...?
Miss Case, this would probably go a lot
faster if I had some privacy.
Oh. O- o- okay, We should, uh,
go... around the corner. Sorry!
Damn! I wanted that.
Miss Case!
- Uh! I'm going to need to... take these with me.
- Great!
I'll be, uh, in touch in a few days.
Why am I nervous?
Well, hello there, handsome.
Oh... Kim Clark?
Naw. She don't live here any more.
She moved months ago.
Well, can yell me where I can
find her, it's important.
You a cop?
Not exactly, I'm with the I.R.S.
I'm investigating a case and
I need to talk to Kim Clark.
Can't help ya. She moved months ago,
right after her husband died.
- And you are...?
- Rita.
Rita what?
Rita not-tell-you-my-last-name.
Well, can you tell me where I can
find the person who runs this place?
You're lookin' at 'er.
Oh. Well, maybe you could
explain something to me...
Uh, did this building have any
kind of infestation problem,
say, around the time Mr. Clark died?
Are you tryin' to say that
my property is dirty?
I'll tell you right now, I had
the Housing Inspector out here last month
and we got a clean bill of health!
Okay. I-- I'm... Sorry. I'm sure you did.
I'm not trying to insult you.
I'm just trying to find out
why Mrs. Clark paid
an extermination company a rather
large sum of money last fall.
Well, it wasn't for no bugs,
I could tell you that.
Well, all right, then.
You're free to go.
Yes I am.
And you're free to stay away from here!
If I see you again,
I take a shotgun to you!
Get out of here, you Mr. I.R.S Man!
I've had it with you. I've had it!
You're a very rude person.
Oh, you government guys (indistict)
...they're all the same.
Oh ho ho!
Yeah, back to ya, buddy!
Hey, I got a double dose for you!
Government man.
Hi! Can I help you?
I'm sorry to bother you, but
I'm Robert Hutt, I'm an investigator
with the Internal Revenue Service.
- Oh!
- Who is it, Blanca?
It's, uh, Mr. Hutt...
from the Internal Revenue Service.
- I'm Danielle Cantor.
- ...wanna talk to you a sec.
We're all friends here.
Can I help you?
I've missed you these last few days.
Me too. I've been so busy.
Yeah, I know, your friends.
I understand.
- But there's something we need to talk about.
- What?
Alex, these last few months have been great.
And I want us to be
together... always.
But... honesty is the most important thing in a
relationship, so there's something I need to know.
Can you really cook?
What?
I mean, don't get defensive,
but come on!
At your house, we have
lamb shank, brochettes...
At my house you can
barely boil water.
I can't cook. That was Stella.
She's been doing it.
I knew it! Oh my God, don't cry.
Please don't cry.
It's no big deal, really.
I just... something I needed
to know before I did this...
Alexandra Case...
Will you marry me?
Oh my God.
Okay, this is the part where you say "Yes".
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I love you, Alex.
I love you. But maybe there some things I should
tell you about, some things that I'm not proud of.
Whatever went on before...
doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is what
happens from this day forward.
- Really?
- Here, come here.
'Cause I don't wannna lose you.
You won't.
- Excuse me, Miss Case.
- Ohh... Mr. Hutt.
I'm sorry to interrupt
your little celebration
but I thought I should
you know I've discovered
some discrepancies with the work
you did for ABC Pest.
Oh, well, I find that hard to believe,
but if you wanna call me at my office, I'd be
happy to talk to you about it tomorrow, so...
- Excuse me.
- It can't wait.
If you don't get outta my way,
I'm gonna scream!
Oh, please do.
Call your little cop boyfriend.
There's a lot of things I'd would love
to tell him about you... and your friends.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Don't be stupid, Miss Case.
Remember... we're the I.R.S.
I know everything about you.
I know you graduated 16th
in your class at Austin College.
By the way, the boyfriend
was only number 437.
I know you spent more money on your hair
than you do on food.
I know you got your living room chairs at
Neiman Marcus, $750, including delivery.
I know your parents are dead and
your sister lives in Connecticut.
I also know you finally
got yourself a nice guy.
And what you and your friends have
been doing could ruin everything.
What do you want?
The numbers in that ledger
are a lie and you know it.
You tell me everything you know about
ABC Pest, I become a hero to my bosses
and the bad guys... or girls,
go to jail.
And he doesn't have to know a thing.
It's him or them, you choose.
But if I don't hear from you within 48 hours,
I'm going to have to pay a little visit
to Officer Daniel J. Burke, number 437.
Hey. What's going on?
I just, uh, feel really... dizzy from the wine.
Do you mind if we go home?
Yeah, it's been a big night. Come on.
You all right?
Well, this is a really big day, girls.
We have a graduate here.
Congratulations, Alex.
I mean, to think a year ago...
you walked in a miserable,
angry, sad and depressed woman.
And now look at you.
You're this happy and vivacious woman
with her whole life ahead of her.
I've done great work.
Alright. One last trip to McNasty's.
I think I should go home.
- Oh, come on.
- What?!?
No. No, no, no!
You do you realize this is it, right?
- Come on, one last drink.
- It's never just one.
Shh! Here she comes.
Shh!
Surprise!
Please, everybody!
Could you grab a glass?
It's- it's good champagne.
I paid for it.
And I just- I just like to say a
very quick thing and make a toast.
I know you're expecting me to say something really funny
right now, but I'm not gonna do that.
Because, uh, I really just wanna say...
that... our friend Alex really defines
the definition of a true friend, and
I know we all love her here, and
we're all gonna really miss her.
So, we love you, Alex. Yeah.
- To Alex.
- To Alex!
Hey, I wanna take up smoking so
I can have skin like yours.
Man...
Think they'll ever let us graduate?
No!
Okay, that wouldn't be
a good idea, would it?
I need a drink.
Happy.
Does anybody wanna play pool?
- Heyyy!
- Hey.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I was just thinking that, um...
that everything good in my life I owe to you guys.
Awww!
I'm gonna really miss you.
Well, I'm not going anywhere.
That'll do fine, Miss Case.
Jesus, it's hot in here!
I want you to know...
I really tried to do the right thing.
I really did.
But one thing I learned in therapy...
is that I don't always have to do the right thing.
I mean, sometimes I can just do...
what's good for me.
You understand that,
don't you?
Do you need more water?
They say that water is a problem,
you hafta... drink a lot of it.
What have you done?
I did what any girl would do if she woke up
and she found a dead hooker in my bed...
I called my friends.
All right!
Investigators have identified the
badly decomposed body of a white male
found by workers in a
Texas motel last week.
Sources say he is Robert Hutt,
from the Internal Revenue Service.
They tell us that Hutt had been under investigation
for conduct unbecoming a federal officer.
When police searched his home,
they discovered private files
of young women that Hutt has allegedly
harassed over the last 20 years.
In other news, fire...
Okay. Places.
Here you go.
Beautiful!
- Okay.
- You ready?
Let's get you married.
Okay, here we go.
Whoo!
- I don't get it.
- You were right.
Out with the old and in with the new.
Whoo!
You're officially out of business.
Goodbye, ABC Pest.
And hello ABC Catering.
- Cheers to working hard.
- Cheers to that.
Thanks.
Did you see that?
- Was that the, um, Chief of Police, Stella?
- Yes it was.
- You're amazing.
- And, uh, not only are we going out
on a date tomorrow, but, uh,
he's taking me to a gun show.
So awful.
He took everything.
Even my credit cards.
- When I get the bill,
- Uh oh.
He put her new boobs on my Visa.
Oh my God!
You know, we're officially out of business.
Yup. Officially, we are.
- Are you thinking about what I'm thinking?
- I'll follow you.
All right.