( tool clicking )
EXCUSE ME, SIR?
SHE'S NOT COMING.
AND I'VE MADE
EVERYTHING PERFECT.
WHITE TEA FROM CHINA,
SCOTTISH SHORTBREAD,
DEVONSHIRE CLOTTED CREAM,
AND I JUST KNOW
SHE'S NOT COMING.
- SIR?
- ( car honks )
A CAR, I BELIEVE,
IS APPROACHING.
DAISY.
I'VE WAITED
FOR THIS MOMEN FOR SO LONG.
I'VE NEVER STOPPED
LOVING YOU,
DREAMING OF YOU.
Woman:
I KNOW, LOUIS.
I KNOW.
- ( gasps )
- ( bell rings )
Man on PA:
The Pep rally
has been relocated
to the little gym.
( girl chuckles )
BUT WHY DID
FITZGERALD
MAKE NICK CARRAWAY
SO DULL?
WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING
SUCH A BORING NARRATOR?
I THINK IT WAS
A BAD CHOICE.
WELL, CARRAWAY IS
LIKE A CAMERA.
HE'S FASCINATED
BY GATSBY,
SO HE WANTS TO CREATE
A PORTRAIT OF HIM.
LOOK, IN A WAY,
THE BOOK IS KIND
OF A LOVE LETTER
TO GATSBY.
- LOVE LETTER?
- SURE.
- I GUESS.
- OH, I-- OH!
EXCUSE--
I HAVE SOME BUSINESS
TO ATTEND TO IN
THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE,
SO WE CAN TALK
ABOUT THIS AGAIN
NEXT WEEK BEFORE CLASS.
SURE.
FINALLY SOME REAL
TENNIS WEATHER.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
OH!
Narrator:
A GENTLEMAN AND HIS IMPULSES
MUST LIVE IN CONSTAN NEGOTIATION.
LOUIS IVES HAD
BEEN DETERMINED
TO CONTINUE HIS DAY
WITH DIGNITY AND PURPOSE.
BUT THAT GOAL
NOW SEEMED
FAR BEYOND HIS REACH.
( gasping )
OH!
IT WAS
IN MISS JEFFRIES' BAG.
I'M SURE YOU'RE AWARE
PRINCETON NORTH PREP
DID NOT MEET ITS
FUNDING GOALS THIS YEAR.
AS A RESULT,
WE'RE FORCED
TO MAKE CUTBACKS.
I UNDERSTAND.
YOU HAVE BEEN AN EXCELLEN TEACHER, HOWEVER.
IN LIGHT OF THIS,
WE HAVE DECIDED
WE'RE WILLING
TO RECOMMEND YOU
FOR POSITIONS ELSEWHERE.
THANK YOU.
ACTUALLY,
FOR SOME TIME NOW
I'VE CONSIDERED MOVING
TO MANHATTAN.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM
TO MAKE A LIVING AS A WRITER.
PERHAPS NOW WOULD
BE A GOOD TIME
FOR A BIG CHANGE
LIKE THAT.
YES, LOUIS.
I THINK MANHATTAN
SOUNDS LIKE
A VERY FITTING PLACE
FOR A YOUNG MAN...
LIKE YOURSELF.
Narrator:
BUT AFTER HIS
CRUSHING DISMISSAL,
LOUIS IVES HAD NO COURAGE
FOR SUCH BOLD MOVES.
FOR THE BRASSIERE INCIDEN HAD CRIPPLED HIM.
- HE STRUGGLED TO DENY
THESE STRANGE URGES...
- ( horn honks )
...BUT IN MOMENTS OF WEAKNESS
THEY DEMANDED ATTENTION.
AND SO HE SPEN AN ENTIRE SUMMER
IMMERSED
IN THE SOLITARY ROUTINES
OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN.
HE WORE THESE RITUALS
LIKE ARMOR
TO SHIELD HIM
FROM DESPAIR.
BUT IN LOUIS IVES'
DARKEST MOMENTS,
HE FEARED
HE WAS UNLOVABLE.
IT WAS THE CHANGING
OF LEAVES
THAT FINALLY BROUGH A CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE.
FOR FALL,
WITH ITS BRISK AIR
AND CLARITY OF LIGHT,
REKINDLED THE FEELING
OF POSSIBILITY.
( phone ringing )
Man on phone:
H. Harrison.
- HELLO.
- Yes?
YES, I'M CALLING
ABOUT THE ROOM?
MY NAME IS--
232 East 91st.
- Apartment 2F.
- ( phone clicks )
( buzzes )
- Man: Are you
the applicant?
- YES!
YES, IT'S ME.
( door buzzes )
HARRISON, HENRY.
HENRY HARRISON.
IVES, LOUIS.
LOUIS IVES.
KITCHEN. BATH.
( clears throat )
THERE'S A MISSING DOOR,
BUT THESE PROVIDE
ADEQUATE PRIVACY.
- WHOOPS.
- AS YOU SEE.
THESE WOULD BE
YOUR CHAMBERS.
IT'S BARRACKS-STYLE LIVING,
TO BE SURE.
YOU CAN CERTAINLY
HEAR THE PIGEONS.
YES, I LIKE TO HAVE
ACCESS TO NATURE,
DON'T YOU?
IF YOU NEED
MORE DRAWER SPACE,
I HAVE SOME
EMPTY FILE CABINETS
IN THE KITCHEN.
OKAY.
SO THERE ARE A FEW THINGS
I'D NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU,
IF YOU HAVEN' LOST INTEREST.
WOULD YOU PREFER
TO LEAVE OR CONTINUE?
NAME?
LOUIS IVES.
THOSE CHRISTMAS BALLS
ARE VERY INTERESTING.
I LOVE THEM.
I LOVE THEIR COLORS,
THE WAY THEY CATCH
THE LIGHT.
IF YOU EVER WAN TO GIVE ME SOMETHING,
YOU CAN GIVE ME
CHRISTMAS BALLS.
- OKAY.
- SO TELL ME...
LOUIS IVES,
WHY ARE YOU MOVING
TO NEW YORK?
( clears throat )
I'M SORT OF LOOKING
FOR MYSELF.
YOU WON'T FIND YOURSELF
IN NEW YORK.
IF I HAD TO MOVE ANYWHERE,
I'D MOVE TO RUSSIA.
FAR LESS EXPENSIVE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN TEACHING
NOW FOR SEVERAL YEARS,
SO AS FAR AS THE REN IS CONCERNED,
I'VE SAVED ENOUGH
FROM WORKING
IN PRINCETON--
PRINCETON?!
HOW IS PRINCETON
THESE DAYS?
IT WAS GREAT ONCE,
BUT THEN THEY LET WOMEN IN.
OH, YOU MEAN
THE UNIVERSITY.
IT'S STILL EXCELLENT.
AND THERE'S NO REASON WOMEN
SHOULDN'T GO TO COLLEGE.
I'M AGAINS THE EDUCATION OF WOMEN.
( laughs )
IT DULLS THEIR SENSES
AND AFFECTS THEIR
PERFORMANCE IN THE BOUDOIR.
THE WOMEN I LIKE BES ARE THE HASIDIC WOMEN.
THEY REALLY GET IT.
WHAT WERE YOU TEACHING?
WE'RE COLLEAGUES THEN.
- I TEACH COMPOSITION
AT QUEENS COLLEGE.
- OH.
PRIMARILY,
I'M A PLAYWRIGHT.
REALLY?
HAVE I SEEN
ANY OF YOUR WORK?
SADLY MY GREAT OPUS WAS
STOLEN BY A SWISS HUNCHBACK,
BUT THAT'S ALL TOO TRAGIC
TO GO INTO NOW.
YOU KNOW, FITZGERALD WROTE
WITH GREAT LOVE
ABOUT PRINCETON
IN "THIS SIDE OF PARADISE."
DO YOU LIKE FITZGERALD?
HE'S ONE OF MY
FAVORITE AUTHORS.
OF COURSE I LIKE
FITZGERALD.
BUT THERE WON'T BE
ANYMORE OF HIS KIND
COMING ALONG SOON.
YOU NEED
AN ALL-MALE ENVIRONMEN
TO SHAPE UP
A YOUNG WRITER.
THE MUSLIMS MIGHT PRODUCE
ANOTHER FITZGERALD.
THEY'RE VERY GOOD
AT SEPARATING THE SEXES.
ON THE SUBJECT OF...
( clears throat )
THE SEXES,
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,
WHAT IS YOUR POLICY
REGARDING GUESTS?
AS IN...
OVERNIGHT GUESTS?
- UH...
- NO.
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
NO. NO, THIS PLACE
IS FAR TOO SMALL.
THERE'S TO BE
NO FORNICATION!
NO, I WOULDN' EVEN CONCEIVE
OF HAVING SEX IN HERE.
I'M RETIRED FROM ALL
THAT ANYWAY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE RUDE,
I WAS JUST--
THIS HAS GONE ON
LONG ENOUGH.
WE'RE OBVIOUSLY COMPATIBLE.
YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON
WHO'S COME FOR THE ROOM
SO WHAT WILL IT BE,
YES OR NO?
( grunts softly )
I WOULD PREFER
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
- ( cell phone ringing )
- Waiter: BE RIGHT BACK.
- HELLO?
- SO HAVE YOU
THOUGHT ABOUT IT?
OH, HELLO.
YES. ACTUALLY,
I JUST WAS--
AND?
WELL...
( clears throat )
I'M FEELING...
THAT I SHOULD WAIT UNTIL
I'M CERTAIN ABOUT A JOB.
NO NO.
NO NO NO NO.
WE SHOULD DO THIS.
WE SHOULD SETTLE NOW.
You can pay by the week
until you have a job.
PLUS THERE'S MUCH I CAN
TEACH YOU ABOUT NEW YORK.
I CAN ADVANCE YOU
SOCIALLY.
ALL THIS WILL BE
VERY GOOD FOR YOU.
THAT'S CERTAINLY
VERY CONSIDERATE OF YOU
TO THINK THAT WAY.
VERY GOOD, THEN.
I'LL SEE YOU
ON THE FIRST OF THE MONTH.
I'M GLAD THIS WORKED OUT.
Narrator:
THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN
WAS TROUBLED
THAT THE DECISION
WAS MADE FOR HIM.
YET, IT HAD BEEN
SOME TIME
SINCE HE FEL THIS WANTED.
AND AS STRANGE
AS IT ALL SEEMED,
HE WAS
INEXPLICABLY DRAWN
TO THIS
MR. HENRY HARRISON.
( pop music playing )
DAYLIGHT TURNS
TO MOONLIGHT
AND I'M AT MY BEST
PRAISING THE WAY
IT ALL WORKS
AND GAZING UPON
THE REST, YEAH
THE COOL BEFORE THE WARM,
THE CALM AFTER THE STORM
THE COOL BEFORE THE WARM,
THE CALM AFTER THE STORM
I WISH TO STAY
FOREVER
LETTING THIS BE
MY FOOD--
( toilet flushing )
- ( clears throat )
- ( flatulates )
- ( coughs )
- ( groans )
TELL ME
YOUR NAME AGAIN.
LOUIS.
MY NAME'S LOUIS.
DON'T WORRY,
IT WILL EVENTUALLY SINK IN.
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'VE
MOVED IN SO NICELY.
I APOLOGIZE THAT GERSHON
COULDN'T HELP CARRY
YOUR THINGS.
HE'S NOT SPEAKING TO ME.
THAT'S FINE.
WHO'S GERSHON?
HE'S A FRIEND
WHO HELPS CARRY THINGS.
AND FIX MY CAR.
SPEAKING OF WHICH,
I WAS ADMIRING YOURS EARLIER.
WHAT MAKE IS THAT?
OH, IT'S
A PONTIAC GRAND VILLE.
IT WAS MY FATHER'S.
IN A WEIRD WAY,
IT'S SORT OF ALL
I HAVE LEFT OF HIM.
HE DIED MY FRESHMAN YEAR
OF COLLEGE.
MY MOTHER PASSED
ONLY A FEW YEARS AFTER.
WELL...
I DRIVE A BUICK.
- HMM.
- WHAT ARE YOU
READING THERE?
HENRY JAMES.
HE'S UNREADABLE.
HIS EARLY WORK
WASN'T AS BAD.
HE BURNED HIMSELF,
YOU KNOW?
HE SAT ON A STOVE
AND SHRIVELED HIS TESTICLES.
THAT MAY ACCOUN FOR HIS SUDDEN CHANGE
OF STYLE.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
YES. WELL, YOU'D BETTER
GET SOME REST.
I IMAGINE YOU'RE
STILL GROWING.
( loud classical music
playing )
( Henry grunting )
Henry:
YEAH!
( grunting continuing )
AHHH.
OW.
AHH!
GO! NO!
GO BACK!
- BACK TO YOUR ROOM.
- NO--
I DON'T LIKE YOU LURKING
THERE IN THE SHADOWS.
I'M SORRY, HENRY!
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
I CAN'T BE SEEN
WHEN I'M DANCING!
I FORGOT YOU WERE HERE.
NEXT TIME I EXERCISE,
I'LL MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE OUT.
BUT SOMETIMES
THE NEED IS TOO GREAT!
- NO PROBLEM.
- ONE MUST KEEP IN SHAPE,
YOU KNOW?
I TRY TO MOVE WHATEVER
I THINK IS ROTTING.
I TELL YOU, LOUIS,
I'D LIKE TO HIRE YOU.
FOR NOW IT'S GONNA BE
MOSTLY BE PHONE SALES
TO BUSINESSES
AND TO MUSEUMS.
BUT IT DOES GO
WITHOUT SAYING--
THIS BEING
AN ENVIRONMENTAL
JOURNAL--
YOU ARE GREEN?
YOU DO LIVE
A PRO-ENVIRONMENTAL
LIFESTYLE?
YES.
- YES, OF COURSE.
- GOOD.
I'M VERY ENVIRONMENTAL.
I'M ALWAYS THINKING
ABOUT HOW THE WORLD
IS FALLING APART.
AND THEN
I GET DEPRESSED
AND I THINK ABOUT--
WELL, IF I THINK
ABOUT MYSELF
THAT'S ALSO DEPRESSING.
- GOOD.
- ( knocking on door )
- YEAH?
- SORRY TO INTERRUPT,
GEORGE,
BUT I NEED YOU TO LOOK
AT THESE RIGHT AWAY
SO I CAN GE THEM SCANNED.
OKAY.
OH, SHE'S GO NICE FEATHERS.
BUT I LIKE HER EYES.
THIS IS THE ONE.
- GREAT.
- I AGREE.
THAT'S AN EXCELLEN OWL PHOTO.
MARY, THIS IS LOUIS.
LOUIS IS GOING
TO BE WORKING HERE.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO GET UP.
I LOOK FORWARD
TO WORKING WITH YOU, MARY.
AND WITH YOU, GEORGE.
- THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME ON.
- YOU'RE WELCOME, LOUIS.
LET'S GET YOU FILLING OU SOME START PAPERS, HUH?
COME ON.
COUGH IT UP.
OH, HEY.
LET ME HELP YOU
WITH THAT, HENRY.
WHAT SERVICE.
YOU'D MAKE AN EXCELLEN VALET OR SQUIRE.
HENRY, MAYBE NEXT TIME
WE SHOULD TRY AND RECYCLE
YOUR WINE BOTTLES.
WHY?
RECYCLING IS
THE MOST INSIDIOUS IDEA
OF THIS GENERATION.
THAT AND HELPING
THE HOMELESS,
MOST OF WHOM DESERVE
THE POSITION.
WHAT THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD
REALLY FOCUS ON IS SEX.
IF WE COULD
CONTROL THAT,
WE COULD SOLVE ANYTHING.
SO YOU SEE SEX
AS THE CAUSE OF ALL
OF SOCIETY'S PROBLEMS?
ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'LL FIND I'M
TO THE RIGHT OF THE POPE
ON MOST OF THESE ISSUES.
WELL, ANYWAY,
IF I MAY CHANGE
THE SUBJECT,
YOU LOOK VERY NICE.
ARE YOU GOING OUT SOMEWHERE?
YES, I'M SEEING
THE BILLIONAIRESS
VIVIAN CUDLIP THIS EVENING.
SHE PHONED ME
ABOUT AN EVEN ONLY 10 MINUTES AGO,
BUT THE QUEEN
MUST BE OBEYED.
- WOW, A BILLIONAIRESS.
- MMM.
AND TO THINK
A LOWLY FELLOW LIKE ME
WAS ABOUT TO TREAT YOU
TO DINNER.
I HAD A BANNER DAY.
I EVEN GOT A JOB.
CONGRATULATIONS!
I KNEW YOU WERE A MAN
WHO COULD PAY THE RENT.
WHAT TYPE OF POSITION?
- IT'S AT A MAGAZINE.
- MMM.
AN ENVIRONMENTAL JOURNAL.
I'M SURE IT'S
ALL JUST A FRON FOR PORNOGRAPHY.
- ( horn honks )
- AH, THIS IS MY RIDE.
WE MUST CELEBRATE
YOUR GETTING A JOB.
TOMORROW EVENING.
I'LL TAKE YOU
TO THE OPERA.
I KNOW A WONDERFUL
LITTLE COMPANY.
MY TREAT.
THANK YOU, HERBERT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
- THIS WAY.
- Woman: EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME, I HAD
MY EYE ON THAT FIRST.
THE DOORMAN WAS WATCHING
THIS PILE FOR ME.
Henry:
BLOODY HELL, I FORGOT I WAS TRASH DAY.
OH, WELL.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT GOING
TO THE OPERA TONIGHT?
I HEAR IT'S
ASTRONOMICALLY EXPENSIVE.
DON'T-- DON'T BE
SO MIDDLE-CLASS.
THE ARISTOCRACY
NEVER PAYS.
HERE'S MY CAR.
( humming )
- MAYBE WE SHOULD
TAKE A CAB?
- WHY?
I GO EVERYWHERE
IN MY ELECTRA.
I DRIVE ALL
AROUND MANHATTAN
LOOKING FOR "IT."
I MEAN "IT"
IN THE KEROUAC SENSE.
WHY DO YOU HAVE
FLORIDA PLATES?
BECAUSE I LIVE THERE
PART-TIME--
PALM BEACH.
THAT'S WHERE
THE SOCIAL LIFE GOES
IN THE WINTER.
I CAN ONLY AFFORD
ONE WORKING DOOR.
JUST CLOSE I TIGHTLY BEHIND YOU.
( singing )
HENRY, HENRY, HENRY!
- PLEASE, BE CAREFUL!
- OHH!
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
ANY SEAT BELTS IN THIS THING.
DON'T BE SUCH A MILQUETOAST.
AS NAPOLEON SAID,
- "IF RAPE IS IMMINENT..."
- HENRY!
- "...RELAX AND ENJOY IT!"
- Woman: ASSHOLE!
ALL RIGHT,
HERE'S HOW IT'S DONE.
THE INTERMISSION IS
ABOUT TO BEGIN.
SO WHEN YOU SEE SOMEBODY
COMING OUT,
YOU SIMPLY SAY,
"OH, ARE YOU LEAVING SO SOON?
WELL, IF YOU ARE,
MAY I HAVE YOUR TICKE AND YOUR RE-ENTRY STUB?"
NOW, YOU HAVE
TO GET THE RE-ENTRY STUB.
THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
WITHOUT IT,
THE TICKET IS USELESS.
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
- I THINK SO.
HENRY, HENRY!
I GOT TWO TICKETS!
SHH, SHH.
AND THE RE-ENTRY STUBS?
WELL, ONE STUB,
BUT I THINK--
DIDN'T I TELL YOU
IT WAS CRUCIAL TO GE THE RE-ENTRY STUB?
WHICH PART OF THA DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
SHE ONLY TOOK ONE.
WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!
- YOU DIDN'T GET ANYTHING.
- THAT'S IRRELEVANT.
THE POINT IS
WITHOUT THE RE-ENTRY STUB
THE TICKET IS USELESS.
- ( musical tones play )
- SHOW TIME, DARLING.
OH DEAR. WELL,
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TRY TO SNEAK IN.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S A PROGRAM.
THAT WILL HELP.
YOU GO FIRST,
I'LL BE BEHIND YOU.
I'LL BE SENILE,
YOU'LL BE ANGRY.
WE'LL BLUFF
OUR WAY IN. GO.
( singing )
WHERE IS--
WHERE'S MY RE-ENTRY STUB?
I HAD IT.
DID YOU TAKE IT?
I HAND IT TO YOU?
- NO.
- I MUST HAVE HANDED
IT TO YOU.
NO, YOU DIDN'T,
FATHER!
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
TRY TO REMEMBER WHERE
YOU PUT THINGS!
DID YOU CHECK
YOUR PANTS?
- I'M WEARING THEM!
- JUST GO IN.
THANK YOU.
TERRIBLY SORRY
ABOUT ALL THAT.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
WITH A BI OF DIRECTION
FROM ME,
YOU COULD LAND YOURSELF
A WALK-ON PART SOMEWHERE.
PERHAPS OFF BROADWAY.
( singing in Italian )
SHE'S RUSSIAN,
YOU KNOW.
ONLY RUSSIA CAN STILL
PRODUCE WOMEN LIKE THAT.
Henry:
SO THERE WE ARE.
WHERE ARE WE?
SORRY?
I LIKE TO SAY THA SOMETIMES BEFORE RETIRING.
I'M ABOUT TO PUT IN
MY EAR PLUGS.
ANY FINAL THOUGHTS,
QUESTIONS?
YES. CAN WE GO
TO THE OPERA AGAIN SOON?
WHY NOT?
WE CAN AFFORD IT.
OH, HENRY,
ONE MORE THING.
I NEVER GOT TO ASK YOU,
HOW DID YOUR EVENING
WITH THE BILLIONAIRESS GO?
WITH VIVIAN?
IT WAS FINE.
EXCEPT SHE STOPPED BREATHING
FOR A FULL MINUTE.
BUT THEN SHE RALLIED.
SHE ALWAYS DOES.
HOW OLD IS SHE?
SHE'S 92.
- 92?!
- YES.
THAT'S A LITTLE OLD
FOR A GIRLFRIEND,
DON'T YOU THINK?
UNFORTUNATELY,
SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
I'M JUST ONE
OF 20 SYCOPHANTS, REALLY.
FOR YEARS NOW I'VE BEEN
HER FIRST CHOICE,
BUT I COULD BE ON THE OUTS
AT ANY MINUTE.
BARRY BARBARASH WANTS
DESPERATELY TO SEE ME OMITTED.
HE'S SCHEMING
TO BE PERMANENTLY INSTALLED
AS THE RESIDEN ROSEN KNIGHT.
WHAT'S A "ROSEN KNIGHT"?
IT'S A KNIGH WHO BRINGS ROSES.
A "ROSENKAVALIER."
AN ESCORT.
HENRY...
ARE YOU A GIGOLO?
DON'T BE DISGUSTING.
I AM AN "EXTRA MAN."
ALTHOUGH I WOULD ARGUE
I'M SO MUCH MORE THAN "EXTRA."
I'M ESSENTIAL.
DO THESE OLD LADIES
PAY YOU?
OF COURSE NOT,
EXCEPT IN PLEASURE--
A FINE MEAL,
VINTAGE CHAMPAGNE...
AN ORCHESTRA PERHAPS.
YOU SEE,
WOMEN OUTLIVE MEN,
SO THERE'S ALWAYS A NEED
FOR AN EXTRA MAN
AT THE TABLE.
IT MAINTAINS A PROPER
SEATING ARRANGEMENT.
BOY-GIRL, BOY-GIRL.
BUT DON'T THINK
FOR A MOMEN
THAT IT'S ALL CHAMPAGNE
AND STARDUST.
AN EXTRA MAN MUST BE
EXTREMELY VIGILANT,
ESPECIALLY WHEN DANCING.
THAT'S WHY ESCORTS ARE
OFTEN CALLED WALKERS.
I, HOWEVER,
AM NO MERE WALKER.
WHAT I BRING IS
THE COMPLETE PACKAGE--
WIT, INTELLIGENCE,
AN UNCOMMON
JOIE DE VIVRE.
I WISH I HAD
JOIE DE VIVRE.
THEN I COULD
BE YOUR ASSISTANT.
YOU'RE VERY YOUNG.
BUT VIVIAN DOES HAVE
A RATHER ATTRACTIVE NIECE.
- SHE MIGHT LIKE YOU.
- THAT WOULD BE INCREDIBLE.
ARE WE HAVING
A CONVERSATION?
YES, I'D SAY SO.
WELL, IT HAS TO STOP.
WE SHOULD KNOW AS LITTLE
ABOUT EACH OTHER AS POSSIBLE.
GOOD RELATIONSHIPS
HAVE THIS FOUNDATION.
NOW GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, HENRY.
( clears throat )
HI, MARY.
OH, HI.
I SEE YOU'RE EATING
IN TODAY TOO.
YEAH, I'M REALLY BEHIND.
- WHAT DID YOU GET?
- ZEN PALATE.
AH, ARE YOU
A VEGETARIAN?
- VEGAN.
- AH.
I'M REALLY ACTIVE
IN ANIMAL RIGHTS.
OH, I WISH
I COULD BE VEGAN,
BUT I REALLY LIKE EGGS.
ALTHOUGH I DO TRY TO ORDER
ONLY FREE-RANGE CHICKEN.
( elevator bell rings )
SO I WENT TO THE OPERA
LAST NIGHT.
- THAT'S COOL.
- IT WAS AMAZING, ACTUALLY.
I'M PRETTY
OPERA ILLITERATE,
SORRY TO SAY.
WELL, MAYBE I COULD
TAKE YOU SOME TIME.
I KNOW HOW
TO GET IN FOR FREE.
OR WE COULD JUST GO
FOR A DRINK SOMEWHERE
ONE NIGHT.
MAYBE EVEN THIS WEEKEND?
THANKS, LOUIS,
BUT I'M GOING
OUT OF TOWN THIS WEEKEND.
- OH.
- WE'RE PROTESTING
THE BUILDING
OF A CEMENT PLAN ON THE HUDSON.
ACTUALLY, THIS GUY
I STARTED SEEING
IS TAKING ME.
MAYBE YOU AND I COULD
GRAB LUNCH OUT TOGETHER
ONE DAY.
- OKAY?
- SURE.
THANK YOU.
EWW.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
- ( scoffs )
- SORRY. SORRY.
Narrator:
TWO COMPETING FANTASIES
CO-EXISTED
WITHIN LOUIS IVES.
A SORT OF BIPOLAR
CONDITION
THAT WASN'T
MOOD-RELATED
BUT SEX-RELATED.
ON THE ONE HAND,
HE LONGED
TO BE A YOUNG GENTLEMAN,
ONE WHO WEARS TIES
AND ENJOYS THE OPERA.
BUT SOMETIMES HE YEARNED
TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR
AND SEE A PRETTY GIRL.
ONE FILLED
WITH ADORATION AND LOVE,
SMILING BACK AT HIM.
( doorbell buzzes )
FOR SOME REASON,
HE BELIEVED
THE WOMAN IN THE AD
MIGHT HELP HIM
WITH HIS CONFUSION.
OH... HELLO.
HELLO.
UM, IT'S OKAY.
IF I'M TOO OLD,
YOU CAN JUST TURN
AROUND AND GO.
NO, NO.
YOU'RE FINE, MA'AM.
MORE THAN FINE, I MEAN.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL,
COME ON IN THEN.
SO I'M KATHERINE,
BUT YOU CAN CALL ME
MISS HART.
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN,
SWEETHEART?
GEORGE.
GEORGE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE WILL
CALL YOU GEORGINA,
UNLESS YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED
IN THE CROSSDRESSING PART.
NO, I AM.
THAT'S REALLY
WHY I CALLED.
HAVE YOU DRESSED UP A LOT?
NO, HARDLY AT ALL.
IT'S WEIRD.
I DON'T REALLY HAVE
ANYONE I CAN
TALK TO ABOUT...
THIS URGE.
- ( timer clicking )
- WELL, YOU CAN TALK TO ME.
ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.
YOU TELL MISS HAR EVERYTHING.
HERE, HAVE A SEAT.
OKAY.
WELL, I THINK
IT ALL STARTED
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY.
I SAW THIS CARTOON
WHERE A DUCK
WEARING A TUXEDO
WAS TRANSFORMED
INTO A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
SEEING THAT STIRRED
SOMETHING IN ME.
SOON AFTER,
I DISCOVERED A BOOK.
I WORRIED I MIGHT BE LIKE
THE PEOPLE DESCRIBED IN IT.
OVER THE YEARS,
I'VE HAD VERY FEW LOVERS--
AND YOU'RE LONELY.
AND YOU DESIRE
THE COMPANY OF A WOMAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT,
THAT'S AS GOOD A REASON
AS ANY TO START CROSSDRESSING.
SO LET'S GET YOU INTO SOME
LINGERIE, SWEETHEART.
( toilet flushes )
YOU LOOK VERY NICE.
OKAY.
SO THE FIRST THING
WE HAVE TO DO
IS TEACH YOU
TO BE FEMININE.
FIRST, YOU'RE
GONNA LEARN HOW TO SIT.
GO AHEAD.
NO NO NO NO.
OKAY.
SEE HOW YOUR FOOT IS
POINTED UP LIKE THAT,
ALL TENSE AND FULL
OF AGGRESSION?
A MAN'S FOO DOES THA
BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS
TRYING TO GET SOMEWHERE.
TRY RELAXING
YOUR FOOT DOWN.
RELAX. GOOD.
THAT INDICATES THAT YOU'RE
OPEN TO A MAN'S ADVANCES.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M AFTER.
- DON'T INTERRUPT, GEORGINA,
IT'S RUDE!
MAYBE IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR SPANKING.
- WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
- YEAH, WE DO. GET UP!
- PUT YOURSELF
ACROSS MY KNEE.
- OKAY.
- YOU BAD BOY!
- WHOA!
- TALKING BACK!
- OW!
OW OW OW!
OW OW OW!
MISS HART, CAN WE STOP?
WHY?!
WOULD YOU--
WOULD YOU MIND
IF I JUST KISSED YOU?
( scoffs )
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO ASK, SUGAR.
YOU'RE PAYING.
( timer bell rings )
OW.
OW.
YOU'RE LATER THAN USUAL.
WHAT?! YES.
I WENT OUT FOR DRINKS.
ACTUALLY, I'M SORT OF SEEING
THIS GIRL FROM WORK.
OH, THAT SOUNDS
LIKE A LIE.
BUT THAT'S GOOD.
THAT SHOWS THA YOU'RE GROWING UP.
BY THE WAY,
HAVE YOU SEEN
MY EYE MASK?
IT'S DISAPPEARED
MYSTERIOUSLY.
- NO.
- I CERTAINLY HOPE
IT TURNS UP.
I CAN'T SLEEP
WITHOUT IT.
BY THE WAY,
I GOT THE MAIL ON MY WAY UP.
OHH...
OH, SPEAKING OF WHICH,
I FORGOT TO MENTION THIS--
NEVER ANSWER THE DOOR.
IT COULD BE THE IRS.
OKAY.
WHO'S OTTO BELLMAN?
WHO, BELLMAN?
HE WAS YOUR PREDECESSOR.
OH. HOW LONG DID
HE LIVE HERE?
TWO YEARS.
IT WAS A GREAT MISTAKE.
AT FIRST IT WASN'T AWFUL.
HE LOOKED LIKE
SOPHIA LOREN IN PROFILE.
OF COURSE...
HE HAD A HUNCHBACK.
YOU'RE PUTTING THE MAIL
IN THE FREEZER?
ONLY HIS LETTERS.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE THEM.
HE'S ALREADY HELL-BEN ON REVENGE AGAINST ME.
WHY?
- BECAUSE I KICKED HIM OUT.
- REALLY?
FOR BEING
A SEXUAL DEVIANT.
OH.
HE HAD ONE OF THOSE
BONDAGE MAGAZINES.
HE'S SWISS--
THEY LIKE ALL THAT S&M,
YOU KNOW?
CAN YOU BELIEVE
HE'S ACTUALLY LIVING
WITH VIVIAN CUDLIP'S
GRANDDAUGHTER?
AND WHAT IS WORSE,
HE STOLE THE ONLY COPY
OF MY GREATEST PLAY.
"HENRY AND MARY
ARE ALWAYS LATE."
THE DEGENERATE IS PROBABLY
GONNA HAVE IT PRODUCED
ILLEGALLY IN ZURICH
AND MAKE HIMSELF
A GRAND FORTUNE.
I THINK YOU'RE BEING
UNREASONABLE.
YOU'RE THE ONE ALWAYS
CITING THESE GREAT AUTHORS.
MOST OF THEM HAD ALL KINDS
OF UNUSUAL KINKS.
THAT'S IRRELEVANT.
ONE SHOULD ONLY HAVE SEX
WHEN MARRIED.
HAVE YOU
EVER BEEN MARRIED?
NO.
ARE YOU SAYING
YOU'VE NEVER HAD SEX?
YOU'LL GE NOTHING OUT OF ME.
AND TRY THINKING
ABOUT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.
THINK ABOUT DEFROSTING
THAT ICEBOX IN THERE
TO MAKE ROOM
FOR MORE MAIL.
THAT'S WHAT I DO.
I DON'T GO AROUND NEEDING SEX.
I DON'T NEED ANY LOVE.
YOU'RE BEING DISHONEST.
EVERYBODY NEEDS SOMETHING.
ALL I NEED IS PLEASURE.
OKAY, SO WHA GIVES YOU PLEASURE?
I'D LIKE TO GO
BACK TO ANAPA.
IT'S A SMALL TOWN
ON THE BLACK SEA
IN RUSSIA.
VIVIAN AND I WENT THERE
YEARS AGO ON OUR WORLD TOUR.
A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
ONLY COST $4.
IN MY MIND'S EYE,
THAT'S WHERE I THINK
I'D BE HAPPIEST.
Narrator:
LOUIS IVES ROSE
THE NEXT MORNING,
MOTIVATED TO FINALLY
START WRITING.
( man singing )
BEAUTIFUL DREAMER
WAKE UNTO ME...
Narrator:
BUT AS THE DAY
PROGRESSED,
THE ODDNESS OF LIFE
ONCE AGAIN
DISTRACTED HIM.
SOUNDS
OF THE RUDE WORLD
HEARD IN THE DAY
LULLED BY THE MOONLIGHT
HAVE ALL PASSED AWAY.
HENRY,
DO YOU KNOW THAT MAN?
Henry:
THAT'S GERSHON GRUEN.
OH, YOUR FRIEND
WHO CARRIES THINGS?
YES, AND FIXES MY CAR.
IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S STILL
NOT SPEAKING TO ME.
HE'S ALWAYS
ON THAT BIKE.
YES, HE'S CYCLING AWAY
HIS SEX DRIVE.
GERSHON WAS A SLAVE
TO HIS LIBIDO.
HE USED TO BRING PROSTITUTES
FROM THE BRONX
INTO HIS APARTMENT,
AND THEY WOULD
STEAL THINGS.
HE COULDN'T STOP,
SO HE TURNED TO ME FOR HELP.
I TOLD HIM TO DEVELOP
OTHER INTERESTS,
LIKE READING THE DICTIONARY
TO IMPROVE HIS VOCABULARY
AND BICYCLE RIDING,
WHICH SO FAR
HAS WORKED WONDERS.
OF COURSE, HE'S STILL
AN OBSESSIVE MASTURBATOR.
IF YOUR ADVICE WORKED,
THEN WHY ISN' HE SPEAKING TO YOU?
HE CLAIMS THAT I DON' REALLY WANT HIS FRIENDSHIP,
THAT I AM ONLY USING HIM
FOR HIS MECHANIC SKILLS.
ALSO, I THINK HE WAS JEALOUS
OF MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH YOUR PREDECESSOR
OTTO BELLMAN.
YOU HAVE A STRANGE POWER
OVER PEOPLE, HENRY.
IT'S MY CONSTAN DISAPPROVAL.
SOME FIND IT FATHERLY.
NO! ENOUGH!
I THINK IT'S SILLY
YOU MADE US SI
AT SEPARATE TABLES
LIKE THIS.
MEN OF ANY WORTH
SIT ACROSS FROM WOMEN.
IF YOU EVER WAN TO BE AN EXTRA MAN,
YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN
ABOUT BOY-GIRL PROPRIETY.
WHICH REMINDS ME, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING TOMORROW EVENING?
NOTHING. WHY?
I HAVE TWO LADY FRIENDS
WHO NEED ESCORTING TO AN EVENT.
VIVIAN CUDLIP
AND HER NIECE?
NO, BUT ALMOS AS IMPORTANT.
WOULD THIS OFFICIALLY
MAKE ME AN EXTRA MAN?
EXTRA, YES.
BUT NOWHERE NEAR ESSENTIAL.
( French music playing )
HENRY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I FORGOT TO BUY SOCKS.
MINE ARE ALL
THREADBARE.
DON'T WORRY,
NO ONE WILL NOTICE.
WHO KNOWS, MAYBE IT'LL
HELP KILL THE FLEAS.
FLEAS?
YES. FLEAS.
MY DERMATOLOGIS CONFIRMED I HAVE THEM.
Henry:
NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY--
ONE OF THE WOMEN
WE'RE ESCORTING
THIS EVENING, LOIS HUBER,
HAS GIVEN ME A ROOM
IN HER PALM BEACH HOME
FOR THE LAS FOUR SEASONS.
- OKAY.
- UNFORTUNATELY,
I SAID SOMETHING
THAT OFFENDED HER,
AND WE HAD
A FALLING OUT.
WHAT DID YOU SAY
THAT OFFENDED HER?
I TOLD HER THAT HER
ASS IS BIG,
THAT SHE'S A SADDLE-BACK
AND POSSIBLY A MORAL IMBECILE.
HENRY, THAT SEEMS LIKE
A LOT TO RECOVER FROM.
THAT'S WHERE
I'M COUNTING ON YOU.
I'M HOPING THAT YOUR YOUTH
WILL HAVE A POSITIVE
EFFECT ON HER.
THE OTHER WOMAN,
MEREDITH LAGERFELD,
HAS NOTHING
TO OFFER SOCIALLY.
SHE'S DIRT POOR.
IN FACT, WE OFTEN WORK
IN UNISON AT EVENTS.
SHE'S THE ONE WHO ALERTED ME
THAT LOIS MAY BE READY
TO FORGIVE ME.
- THAT WAS NICE OF HER.
- NOT REALLY.
LAGERFELD USES ME
FOR RIDES.
SHE'S GOTTEN QUITE ENORMOUS,
YOU SEE,
AND HAS TROUBLE GETTING
AROUND TOWN.
SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.
MY GOD, LOOK AT HER.
SHE DOES HAVE NICE HAIR.
I SUPPOSE WE ALL
HAVE SOMETHING,
EVEN LAGERFELD.
HENRY, FOCUS.
THE GEORGE GILLIES
HAVE JUST ARRIVED.
SHE'S HOSTING QUITE A LARGE
PARTY ON THURSDAY.
I THINK WE SHOULD TRY
TO SPEAK TO HER.
THEY'RE FRIENDS
OF VIVIAN CUDLIP'S.
MENTION THE NAME VIVIAN CUDLIP
AND WE'LL BE IN.
MEANWHILE,
WHERE THE HELL IS LOIS?
OH, LOIS, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
SHE'S OVER BY THE KLIMT.
HMM. EXCUSE US.
LOUIS.
OH, TERRIBLY SORRY.
- THERE'S A DWARF
IN THAT PICTURE.
- IT'S A CHILD, HENRY.
YES, QUITE RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF CHILDREN,
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO MY YOUNG HOUSE GUES LOUIS IVES.
LOUIS HAS RECENTLY COME
TO NEW YORK TO FIND HIMSELF.
LOIS, LOUIS,
LOUIS, LOIS.
ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE RATHER
NICELY, DOESN'T IT?
I NEED SOME MORE WINE.
I REA--
( clears throat )
I REALLY LIKE
THESE PAINTINGS.
I DON'T.
IT'S RIDICULOUS HOW NOBODY
REALLY LOOKS AT THEM.
I WAS ADMIRING
YOUR OUTFIT BEFORE.
IT'S VERY INTERESTING.
AND A GOOD COLOR
FOR YOU TOO.
AND HOW OLD
ARE YOU, LOUIS?
OLD ENOUGH.
TELL ME, ARE YOU
BY CHANCE FROM RUSSIA?
ME?
( chuckles )
GOD, NO.
I'M AS AMERICAN
AS THEY COME.
NOT TO ME.
WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO
WITH MAGAZINES, LOUIS?
I WORK ON THE MARKETING
SIDE OF THINGS,
BUT I'D LIKE
TO BE AN EDITOR
OR WRITER SOMEDAY.
AH. HENRY'S
AN EXCELLENT WRITER.
A TALENTED PLAYWRIGHT.
BUT HE CAN BE
A VERY RUDE MAN,
YOU KNOW.
- AH.
- Meredith: HELLO, LOIS.
WITH THE EXCEPTION
OF THAT RUSSIAN BARTENDRESS,
I'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED
A MORE DREARY CROWD.
STOP COMPLAINING, HENRY.
IT'S TIRESOME.
WELL, THERE IS ANOTHER
OPENING AT THE WHITNEY,
BUT IT'S NOT UNTIL 9:00.
THEN I'LL NEED
DINNER FIRST.
WE'LL EAT AT MY PLACE.
MEREDITH WILL RIDE OVER WITH ME,
HENRY AND LOUIS CAN GO
PICK UP THE FOOD.
- COME, DEAR.
- THAT'S AWFULLY NICE, LOIS.
THINGS WITH LOIS ARE WORSE
THAN I HAD IMAGINED.
YOUR YOUTH
HAS FAILED US
AND I'M OFF MY GAME.
I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING RIGH SINCE MY EYE MASK DISAPPEARED.
WE'LL HAVE NO CHOICE
BUT TO IMPLEMENT PLAN B
OVER DINNER.
NEXT.
THERE'S NO BATHROOM IN HERE
AND I HAVE TO PISS.
IF I'M NOT BACK IN TIME,
GET TWO ROASTED CHICKENS.
LOIS HAS MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS,
BUT THERE'S NOTHING
SHE LIKES BETTER THAN
ROASTED CHICKEN.
Narrator:
AS THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN
STOOD THERE ON LINE,
HE COULDN'T HELP BUT PLAY
THE FIRST HALF OF THE EVENING
OVER AND OVER
IN HIS MIND.
IN DOING SO,
SOMETHING BECAME
VERY CLEAR
ABOUT THE NATURE
OF HIS RELATIONSHIP
WITH MR. HENRY HARRISON,
WHO--
- I'M BACK.
- OH.
DID YOU PEE ALREADY?
- YES.
- WHERE?
OUT THERE.
OUT IN THE STREET?
- YES.
- NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YES, I DID, LOUIS.
A TRUE ARISTOCRAT KNOWS
THAT HE CAN PISS IN THE STREE
AT ANY TIME HE WISHES
DAY OR NIGHT.
NEXT.
HENRY, I WANT TO SEE
WHERE YOU PEED.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
RIGHT THERE,
BETWEEN THE CARS.
HOW DID YOU DO I WITHOUT BEING SEEN?
YOU COULD HAVE
BEEN ARRESTED.
IT'S AN ACQUIRED ART.
LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU.
NOW WATCH,
AND DO AS I DO.
READY?
STEP OFF THE CURB
AS IF YOU'RE GOING
TO WALK ACROSS THE STREET.
THEN YOU STOP ABRUPTLY,
THINKING TWICE
ABOUT CROSSING IN TRAFFIC.
MEANWHILE,
YOU'VE UNDONE
YOUR ZIPPER,
YOU'VE FREED YOURSELF
AND THEN,
KEEPING A WIDE ARC
WITH THE RAINCOAT,
YOU STEP BACKWARDS,
YOU SEE?
THIS WAY, NO ONE CAN
SEE YOU'RE PISSING,
AND THE WALKING
BACKWARDS PAR
KEEPS YOU FROM PISSING
ON YOUR LEGS,
NOT TO MENTION
STEPPING IN IT.
OH, I JUST DID
A BIT MORE.
SO NOW DO YOU
UNDERSTAND?
I THINK
I ACTUALLY DO. YEAH.
THANK YOU
FOR TEACHING ME THAT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
AND KEEP THE CHANGE.
DON'T MENTION IT.
- GOOD EVENING.
- HENRY HARRISON
FOR MRS. HUEBER.
OF COURSE.
WOW.
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T MENTION
THE FLEAS TO LOIS.
IF SHE CATCHES THEM,
SHE'LL KNOW THEY'RE FROM ME.
THEN I'LL NEVER
GET THAT ROOM.
MA'AM,
MR. HARRISON.
WAIT. WAIT.
LOIS HAS A DOG.
IF I CAN TRANSFER
MY FLEAS TO HER DOG,
- WE'LL BE SAVED.
- ( elevator bell rings )
Doorman:
GOING UP?
- ( barking )
- LOVIE!
OH, WHAT A GOOD GIRL.
OH, I'VE MISSED YOU!
LOOK AT YOU
WITH YOUR LITTLE--
WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT ON YOU?
LOOKS LIKE
AN ELIZABETHAN COLLAR.
HENRY, PUT THE DOG DOWN
AND BRING ME THOSE
ROASTED CHICKENS.
RIGHT AWAY.
RIGHT AWAY.
- PUT IT DOWN, HENRY!
- ( barks )
I'M COMING.
OH.
HELLO, MEREDITH.
UM...
WOW.
WHAT AN AMAZING VIEW.
YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING
FROM HERE.
I KNOW. I GREW UP
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
DID YOU REALLY?
WE WERE THE MOS POPULAR FAMILY.
WELL, WE WERE ALWAYS
DOING THE FUNNEST THINGS.
WE NEVER HAD
A DULL MOMENT.
I THOUGHT ALL FAMILIES
WERE LIKE THAT.
I THOUGHT LIFE
WOULD BE LIKE THAT.
- HERE WE ARE.
- I DON'T LIKE THE DARK MEA
TOUCHING THE LIGHT.
OF COURSE NOT.
DID I MENTION, LOIS,
THAT I'LL BE HAVING
A STAGED READING
OF MY GEORGE ELIOT PLAY
THIS WINTER IN PALM BEACH?
VIVIAN CUDLIP HAS SECURED
A BALLROOM FOR ME IN THE COLONY.
REALLY, HENRY?
YOU'RE PLANNING TO BE
IN PALM BEACH THIS WINTER?
WELL, OF COURSE.
AND I WAS THINKING
THAT YOU WOULD BE PERFEC
FOR THE GEORGE ELIOT ROLE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
IF YOU'RE ANGLING TO STAY
IN MY GUEST ROOM, HENRY,
I CAN'T HAVE YOU
THIS SEASON.
I'VE INVITED MEREDITH.
I THINK THE SUN'LL
BE VERY GOOD FOR HER
BAD KNEE, DON'T YOU?
- LAGERFELD?
- THAT'S CORRECT.
MEREDITH.
( banging plate )
THIS ROASTED CHICKEN
IS DELICIOUS.
HENRY, I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU'RE FREE TOMORROW.
I FOUND AN INEXPENSIVE
SPORTS DOCTOR
FOR MY KNEE
IN BROOKLYN.
( laughing )
I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU MIGHT DRIVE ME
TO MY APPOINTMENT?
FIND SOMEONE ELSE.
I'M TEACHING TOMORROW.
I DON'T THINK
I CAN MAKE IT TO
THE WHITNEY LATER EITHER.
EVERY EXHIBIT IS THE SAME--
TOILET SEATS
AND SEX ORGANS.
I'M NO LONGER IN THE MOOD
FOR THAT SORT OF THING.
LOUIS, WE'RE LEAVING.
NOW!
I'M SORRY THINGS
DIDN'T WORK OUT TONIGHT.
RIGHT.
( sighs heavily )
THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME.
I HAD A VERY NICE TIME
AT THE GALLERY.
THE WHOLE DAMNED EVENING
WAS ENGINEERED
BY LAGERFELD
TO GET ME TO DRIVE HER
AND HER FAT KNEES
TO BROOKLYN.
OF COURSE SHE'S NOT GOING
TO ASK LOIS.
SHE WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO JEOPARDIZE THAT ROOM,
NOW THAT SHE'S GOT HER GRUBBY
LITTLE PAWS ON IT.
DON'T DWELL ON IT, HENRY.
LETS TRY TO FOCUS
ON SOMETHING POSITIVE
LIKE YOU TELL ME.
YES. YES.
YES, I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YES.
THAT ROASTED CHICKEN
WAS GOOD.
I'LL TRY TO FOCUS
ON THAT.
( engine squeaking,
creaking )
NOW WHAT IN GOD'S NAME
IS HAPPENING?
LET'S LOOK UNDER
THE HOOD! OUT!
NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO.
NOT MY CAR!
NO NO.
NOT MY ELECTRA.
IF I LOSE THAT,
I LOSE EVERYTHING.
LET'S JUST LEAVE
IT HERE TONIGHT.
WE'LL COME BACK
IN THE MORNING,
GET IT TOWED
AND REPAIRED.
REALLY?
WITH WHAT MONEY?
WE'LL FIGURE
SOMETHING OUT.
LET'S JUS GET A TAXI HOME.
NO.
NO, YOU GO.
I CAN'T NOW.
I NEED TO WALK
THIS WHOLE EVENING OFF.
OH, COME ON, HENRY.
YOU SHOULDN'T DO
SUCH A LONG WALK ALONE.
WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?!
A FEEBLE OLD MAN?
YOU'VE BEEN IN MANHATTAN
FOR 10 MINUTES,
YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME
WHAT TO DO?
I TOLD YOU I WAN TO WALK HOME ALONE.
- I WAS JUST--
- I--
JUST GO!
I DON'T NEED YOU.
( classical
music playing )
NO DANCING TODAY,
HUH, HENRY?
HMM.
( footsteps
approaching )
LOUIS?
I'M SORRY, WERE YOU
READING SOMETHING?
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO INTERRUPT YOU.
NO. NO.
NO, I WAS JUST--
NO, I WASN' READING ANYTHING.
I REALIZE WE NEVER WENT OU AND HAD THAT LUNCH.
ARE YOU BY CHANCE
AVAILABLE TODAY?
DID I MENTION A FEW
OF US FROM WORK
ARE GOING TO SEE "I AM CUBA"
AT THE CINEMA VILLAGE TONIGHT?
YOU SHOULD COME.
REALLY?
THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU.
I FIND YOU FUNNY, LOUIS.
IN WHAT WAY?
I MEAN,
YOU'RE INTERESTING.
SOMETIMES YOU REMIND ME
OF A GUY FROM ANOTHER
TIME PERIOD--
LIKE THE '20s.
IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
I LOVE THAT ERA--
THE LITERATURE
FROM THAT ERA.
I NEVER TOLD ANYONE THIS,
BUT SOMETIMES,
IN MY HEAD,
I ACTUALLY IMAGINE
THERE'S SOMEBODY
NARRATING MY LIFE,
( whispering )
AS IF I'M THE PROTAGONIS IN A CLASSIC NOVEL.
OKAY.
Narrator:
THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN
IMMEDIATELY REGRETTED
THIS CONFESSION.
HE STRUGGLED TO QUICKLY
CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
SO I NEVER ASKED YOU,
HOW DID THE WHOLE
UPSTATE THING GO?
AMAZING.
YOU SHOULD COME
TO THE NEXT ONE.
AND BRING SOMEONE OF COURSE.
DO YOU LIVE ALONE?
NO, I HAVE A ROOMMATE,
BUT HE'S MUCH OLDER.
OLD, ACTUALLY.
I JUST RENT A ROOM
IN HIS APARTMENT.
TO BE HONEST,
IT'S NOT GOING SO WELL.
HE GETS IRRATIONALLY
MAD AT ME.
MAYBE HE'S
IN LOVE WITH YOU.
NO.
NO.
I WOULD NEVER WAN TO THINK OF HIM LIKE THAT.
THERE WAS ONE TIME
IT CROSSED MY MIND BUT--
WHY? WHAT DID HE DO
THAT MADE YOU WONDER?
WELL,
IT'S KIND OF STRANGE,
BUT WE WERE
DRINKING WINE
AND I WAS LYING
ON THE FLOOR
TRYING TO WORK UP
THE ENERGY TO GO TO BED,
AND SOMETHING
VERY ODD HAPPENED.
THAT'S IT?
( laughs )
I GUESS IT WAS NOTHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I JUST TOLD YOU THAT.
I'M SORRY.
LOUIS, THERE'S SOMETHING
I WANTED TO ASK YOU.
SURE.
WELL, YOU KNOW THAT GUY
I STARTED SEEING?
HE'S GOING TO JAMAICA
ON THURSDAY,
AND HE INVITED ME
TO COME WITH HIM.
I REALLY
REALLY WANNA GO.
I'VE NEVER BEEN OU OF THE COUNTRY BEFORE,
AND I'M SO
INTO BOB MARLEY.
BUT GEORGE IS GIVING ME
A HARD TIME AT WORK
WITH ALL THE PHOTO
CLEARANCES PILING UP,
SO I CONVINCED HIM
THAT YOU COULD COVER FOR ME
WHILE I WAS AWAY.
IT'S JUS FOR A COUPLE DAYS.
SURE.
WHATEVER YOU NEED.
YOU ARE THE BEST.
I OWE YOU A MAJOR FAVOR!
( shrieks )
( classical music playing )
Henry:
OW OW OW.
OW OW OW.
OW. OH, HELLO!
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M ALL RIGHT.
YOU CERTAINLY
SEEM BETTER.
YES, MY FUNK
HAS LIFTED,
ALTHOUGH I COULDN' TELL YOU WHY.
I GOT A CALL
FROM THE GAS STATION.
THEY SAID JUST TO GE MY CAR TO RUN
WILL COS A SMALL FORTUNE.
I DID, HOWEVER, HEAR
ABOUT A VERY PROMISING
ROOM IN PALM BEACH.
- GOOD FOR YOU.
- WHICH REMINDS ME--
I HAVE A PROPOSAL
WHICH MIGH SAVE YOU MONEY.
WHAT IF YOU WERE
TO LET ME BORROW YOUR CAR
TO KEEP WITH ME
IN FLORIDA,
JUST FOR TWO MONTHS-
IN EXCHANGE FOR
MY PAYING
YOUR AUTO INSURANCE
DURING THAT TIME.
SO THAT'S YOUR MOTIVATION
FOR SPEAKING TO ME AGAIN?
WELL--
PARTIALLY, YES.
IT'S AN IDEA I THOUGH WOULD BENEFIT US BOTH.
WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW
THROUGH ON YOUR OFFER
TO INTRODUCE ME
TO VIVIAN CUDLIP'S NIECE?
THAT WOULD BE OF
A LOT MORE USE TO ME
RIGHT NOW
THAN INSURANCE MONEY.
NO, I CAN'T.
IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.
WHY?
IS SOMETHING
SO WRONG WITH ME?
( sighs )
UH, IT'S--
I CAN'T LEND YOU MY CAR.
IT HAS SPECIAL MEANING.
MY FATHER LEFT IT TO ME.
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO UPSET YOU.
LET'S JUST SWEEP
THE WHOLE SUGGESTION
UNDER THE CARPET.
- HMM?
- ( phone ringing )
EXCUSE ME.
H. HARRISON.
WHY, GERSHON,
WHAT A SURPRISE.
MY CAR?
YES, IT DID.
YOU WILL?
UH, I--
I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
ANTIQUES
EVERY OTHER SENTIMEN AN ANTIQUE
AS OBSOLETE AS WARSHIPS
IN THE BALTIC
WHEN I'M DRIVING
- I'M ON A STRAIGHT ROAD,
IT NEVER ALTERS...
- HELLO.
AND THE RADIO SERENADES
BUT DOESN'T FALTER...
- COME ON!
- COME BACK HERE!
YOU OFFER INFRARED
INSTEAD OF SUN
YOU OFFER PAPER SPOONS
AND BUBBLE GUM
MA--
...4:00 IN THE MORNING
MARY! MARY!
LOUIS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M SORRY I COULDN' MAKE THE MOVIE.
BUT I WAS
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
AND THOUGHT YOU MIGH NEED A RIDE HOME.
OH. WELL,
I'M PRETTY RELIGIOUS
ABOUT PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY DRIVE
THIS THING AROUND THE CITY,
DO YOU?
NO NO.
OF COURSE NOT.
I WAS HELPING OU MY FRIEND LAGERFELD.
SHE'S QUITE ENORMOUS,
AND HAS TROUBLE GETTING AROUND.
OH.
THAT'S REALLY
NICE OF YOU.
WELL, SINCE YOU'RE
ALREADY OUT AND ABOUT.
BUCKLE UP.
NOW I OWE YOU TWO FAVORS.
I'M NOT SURE I CAN
HANDLE ALL THIS.
NO, YOU DON' OWE ME ANYTHING.
OH, GO STRAIGHT.
GO STRAIGHT.
THIS IS BRAD'S BLOCK.
I'M STAYING THERE TONIGHT.
OH.
WHAT'S THAT?
"SALLY'S. NEW YORK'S
HOTTEST TRANNY BAR"?
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LEAVING
STUPID STUFF IN MY CAR.
- JUST THROW IT OUT.
- HEY HEY, LITTERING?
- ( screaming )
- ( tires squealing )
- A LION!
- OH MY GOD!
( laughing )
- Mary: OH MY GOD.
- I'M SORRY.
I SERIOUSLY JUST HAD
A HEART ATTACK.
I'M JUST HAVING
THE WORST DAY EVER, MARY.
LET'S GO SEE
WHAT THAT WAS.
- SHIT.
- GO GO GO.
OH, GOD.
DID I KILL IT?
SOMEBODY'S IDEA
OF A JOKE.
HE IS KIND
OF CUTE, THOUGH.
- ( laughs ) HE IS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, LOUIS?
I THINK I'M JUST...
GOING TO WALK THE RES OF THE WAY FROM HERE.
- OH, SURE.
- BYE, YOU TWO!
OKAY OKAY OKAY.
( groaning )
OH GOD.
Henry:
WE'LL SPEAK
IN THE MORNING, GERSHON.
GET SOME REST.
YOU'RE LOOKING MORE
HAGGARD THAN USUAL.
OH GOD!
YOU SHOULD REALLY STOP
LURKING ABOUT IN THE SHADOWS,
IT'S BECOMING A SERIOUS
CHARACTER FLAW.
I JUST GOT IN.
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT A DISASTROUS EVENING.
MY GOD, GERSHON SERVED
BOILED TONGUE FOR DINNER.
AND THEN LATER WE TAXIED OVER
TO TAKE A LOOK AT MY CAR,
AND GERSHON CONFIRMED THA IT'S COMPLETELY BEYOND REPAIR.
HOWEVER, I DID REMEMBER
THAT THE LAST TIME
I WAS OUT AT VIVIAN'S PLACE
IN SOUTHAMPTON
I HAPPENED TO NOTICE
A BEAUTIFUL VEHICLE FOR SALE
OUT BY THE BAY,
WHERE THE RIFF RAFF STAY.
GERSHON AND I WERE THINKING
OF GOING UP THIS WEEKEND--
HAVE A LOOK,
SEE IF IT'S STILL THERE.
WANT TO COME ALONG?
I TAKE IT YOU'RE
JUST LOOKING FOR A RIDE?
YES,
BUT WHY FOCUS ON I THAT WAY?
THINK OF YOURSELF!
IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE AN UNSEASONABLY
BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND,
COURTESY
OF GLOBAL WARMING.
AND I THINK YOU'D ENJOY
MEETING GERSHON.
HE'S-- WELL, DIFFERENT.
( honking )
WHERE'S GERSHON?
GERSHON IS
PATHOLOGICALLY LATE.
WHY DON'T YOU GO IN
AND URGE HIM ON?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.
YOU REALLY SHOULD SEE
HIS APARTMENT.
IT'S QUITE INTERESTING.
OKAY.
I'LL JUST TAKE I FOR A LITTLE SPIN.
JOKING.
OH, LOOK.
( speaking French )
DECAPOTABLE.
( laughs )
GERSHON?
GERSHON?
( knocks )
GERSHON?
HELLO?
OH! HELLO, I'M LOUIS--
HENRY'S ROOMMATE.
WE WERE WAITING
IN THE CAR
AND HENRY WANTED ME TO--
( high voice )
PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES.
I WAS JUST PUTTING
MY SHOES ON.
NO, OF COURSE.
WOW, LOOK AT THIS.
YOU HAVE SO MANY
INTERESTING THINGS.
( high voice continuing )
YES, I COLLECT SOUVENIRS.
MUST HAVE BEEN EVERYWHERE.
NO.
I ACTUALLY HAVE
NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE.
TOO BUSY WORKING.
WHAT KIND OF WORK
DO YOU DO, GERSHON?
I'M A SUBWAY MECHANIC.
- SORRY.
- ANYWAY...
I DO LOVE MY JOB.,
BUT IT'S ALWAYS
BEEN MY DREAM
TO BUY A SAILBOA
AND SAIL OFF
WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
TO THE MEDITERRANEAN.
WE'D TRAVEL STRAIGH TO THE BLUE GROTTO,
WHERE TINY ROWBOATS WAIT.
THEN WE'D PADDLE OU INTO THE WARM WET CAVE,
AND KISS AND SING
AND HARMONIZE
WITH OUR OWN ECHOES.
I STILL BELIEVE
IT'S POSSIBLE.
THE BOAT AND THE WOMAN.
( Henry singing
in French )
WHAT'S THAT SONG?
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
FROM AN OPERETTA I SAW
WHEN I WAS LIVING IN PARIS--
"PAS SUR LA BOUCHE."
"NOT ON THE MOUTH."
IT'S ABOUT A MAN
WHO DOESN'T LIKE
TO BE KISSED
ON THE MOUTH.
THAT'S THE WHOLE PLOT.
- NO, THAT'S INSANE!
- WHY? I HAPPEN TO AGREE.
RUBBING NOSES IS
FAR MORE SANITARY.
HOW DID YOU AFFORD
TO LIVE ABROAD, HENRY?
I HAD AN INHERITANCE.
BOTH MY PARENTS WERE DEAD
BY THE TIME I WAS 22.
SO I MOVED TO EUROPE
FOR 10 YEARS,
SPENT EVERY LAST CENT.
DID BOTH YOUR PARENTS
DIE AT THE SAME TIME?
MY FATHER DIED
WHEN I WAS TWO.
ACTUALLY I WAS RAISED
BY MY BOHEMIAN AUNT.
WHY NOT YOUR MOTHER?
MY MOTHER WAS AFRAID OF ME.
MY AUNT UNDERSTOOD ME.
SHE TAUGHT LITERATURE
AT JOHNS HOPKINS.
SHE WAS ALWAYS
TAKING SHIPS TO EUROPE
AND HAVING LOVE AFFAIRS.
QUITE BEAUTIFUL,
BUT SHE NEVER MARRIED.
FASCINATING WOMAN.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU
REALLY LOVED HER.
THIS IS STARTING TO SOUND
LIKE AN INTERVIEW.
ARE YOU PLANNING TO WRITE
THE UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY
OF AN OBSCURE PLAYWRIGH WHOSE MASTERPIECE WAS STOLEN
BY A HUNCHBACK?
IS IT SO WRONG
TO BE INTERESTED IN YOU?
YES!
I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.
FROM NOW ON
I INTEND TO GIVE YOU
THE MOST MISLEADING
IMAGE POSSIBLE.
YOU MAY WRITE
MY BIOGRAPHY,
BUT YOU WILL NEVER
CAPTURE MY SOUL.
Henry:
THANK GOD
WE'VE FINALLY LANDED.
BETWEEN MANHATTAN
AND THE EAST END,
THERE'S NOTHING
BUT CEMETERIES AND STRIP CLUBS.
DID YOU KNOW
THAT TOPLESS BARS
DO THEIR BEST BUSINESS
ON MOTHER'S DAY?
IT'S THE UDDERS.
THAT'S THE DAY MEN
MOST NEED TO SEE THEM.
THAT ACTUALLY MAKES
LOTS OF SENSE.
THIS CERTAINLY
IS A BEAUTIFUL INLET.
MAYBE IT'S A COVE.
I BELIEVE THE APPROPRIATE WORD
IS ACTUALLY "BIGHT."
B-I-G-H-T,
A NOUN MEANING
"A WIDE BAY FORMED
BY CURVED LAND."
THERE'S ALL KINDS
OF WONDERFUL WORDS
IN THE Bs ACTUALLY.
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE
IS "BISEXTILE,"
WHICH MEANS NOTHING
LIKE IT SOUNDS.
BELIEVE IT OR NO IT MEANS,
"OF OR PERTAINING
TO LEAP YEAR."
SO NEXT FEBRUARY 29TH,
WE SHOULD ALL REMEMBER
TO WISH EACH OTHER
A HAPPY BISEXTILE DAY!
( laughing )
THANK GOD
IT'S STILL HERE.
LOOK AT HER.
OH, YES.
- A THING OF BEAUTY.
- THE 1975 CADILLAC
V-8 EL DORADO.
- Henry: EXCELLENT.
- 400 HORSEPOWER,
- 500 POUND-FEET OF TORQUE...
- MM-HMM.
...AND SINGLE DIGI GAS MILEAGE.
THAT'S TERRIBLE
FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
OH, AND I SUPPOSE
YOURS IS BETTER?
IT SEEMS THE OWNERS HAVE
LEFT FOR THE SEASON.
WE SHOULD CALL AND ARRANGE
A TEST DRIVE, HENRY.
WE'VE COME ALL THIS WAY,
WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE
A PEEK UNDER THE HOOD.
CLIMB IN THERE
AND TRY AND OPEN HER UP.
IT'S OPEN.
NEW TIRES.
THAT'S GOOD.
OKAY.
HENRY, I CAN'T--
LET GERSHON DO IT.
HE'S THE MECHANICALLY
INCLINED ONE.
I DON'T SEE ONE.
MAYBE THIS IS
A SECRET HOOD RELEASE.
- OH, NO!
- NO!
SCHEISSE.
BETTER VAMOOSE BEFORE
THE POLIZEI ARRIVE.
- Louis: HENRY.
- Woman: WHO'S THAT?
Henry:
AT LEAST I HAVE
A PIECE OF A NEW CAR.
TOMORROW I'LL CALL
AND INQUIRE
AS TO THE PRICE
OF THE REST OF IT.
Louis:
HENRY, YOU CAN'T.
THAT'S LIKE RETURNING
TO THE SCENE OF A CRIME.
ARE YOU INSANE?
THEY'D NEVER SUSPECT ME.
WHO'D BE STUPID ENOUGH
TO DEFACE A CAR AND THEN
INQUIRE ABOUT ITS PRICE?
YOU KNOW, GERSHON,
THIS YOUNG MAN
IS VERY WELL READ,
BUT HE KNOWS NOTHING
ABOUT REAL LIFE.
YES, I'M STARTING
TO THINK THAT.
YES, HE'S SUCH A SAD,
OLD SOUL TOO.
YOU KNOW THAT HE'S NEVER
EVEN LEARNED HOW TO DANCE?
THAT'S MORE THAN SAD.
THAT'S TRAGIC.
WELL, IF HENRY WOULD LET ME
WATCH HIM ONCE IN A WHILE,
I MIGHT PICK UP
A STEP OR TWO.
MY STEPS CANNO BE LEARNED.
THEY'RE ENTIRELY INTUITIVE,
BASED ON JUNGLE RHYTHMS.
TRY ME.
( chuckles )
VERY WELL.
GERSHON, YOU'VE GO A BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE.
WE HEAR YOU IN THE SHOWER
ALL THE TIME, GOING ON AND ON.
WHY DON'T YOU SING US
SOMETHING THAT'S DANCEABLE?
WHAT GENRE DO YOU PREFER?
UM...
I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S STAR WITH A WALTZ.
- ( clears throat )
- YEAH.
OVER HERE.
WE NEED SPACE.
- NOW OBSERVE AND IMITATE.
- ( deep voice )
SOMEWHERE MY LOVE...
- OH, YES.
- THERE WILL BE
SONGS TO SING...
SO ONCE HE'S SINGING,
HE HAS A HUMAN VOICE.
NOW SHOULDERS SO.
CHEST OUT.
ARISTOCRATIC.
WATCH CLOSELY.
DO AS I DO.
- ONE, TWO, THREE,
ONE, TWO, THREE.
- SOMEWHERE A HILL...
- THAT'S RIGHT. YES. FLOAT!
- BLOSSOMS IN GREEN
AND GOLD
- AND THERE ARE DREAMS...
- DON'T BEND YOUR KNEES
TOO MUCH.
IT'S NOT A PEASANT DANCE.
YOU'RE AN ARISTOCRAT!
YOU'RE ABOVE THE WORLD.
- SOMEDAY...
- YOU'RE FLOATING.
- WE'LL MEET AGAIN...
- ONE AND TURN, AND TURN.
- MY LOVE...
- WHIRL-- THE DERVISHES!
- IT'S TRANSCENDENT.
- SOMEDAY, WHENEVER
THE SPRING BREAKS THROUGH.
THAT'S IT. YES!
OHH! OH, OH!
- HENRY! HENRY, ARE YOU OKAY?
- ( Henry groaning, shouting )
- ARE YOU OKAY?
- MY SCIATICA!
WHAT DO WE DO?!
WHAT DO YOU DO?
GET ME OFF THIS
GODFORSAKEN BEACH.
I NEED ALCOHOL
AND CIVILIZATION.
- OKAY. OKAY.
- OH, GOD.
( groaning )
- OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
- HOW DO WE DO THIS?
( groaning )
DON'T FORGET MY HAT!
VIVIAN CUDLIP BOUGH THAT FOR ME IN MOSCOW!
( high voice )
PUT HIM ON THE FLOOR.
I KNOW HOW TO FIX HIM.
I DID IT TWO YEARS AGO.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU MADE IT WORSE.
DON'T BE DIFFICULT,
HENRY.
I'M THE ONE WHO GOT YOU
WALKING AGAIN AND YOU KNOW IT.
IT'S A CONSPIRACY,
ISN'T IT?
OTTO BELLMAN HIRED YOU,
DIDN'T HE?
- TO ASSASSINATE ME.
- KNEEL DOWN.
TELL HIM HE CAN KEEP
MY DAMN PLAY!
- ON YOUR STOMACH.
ALL RIGHT.
- ( groaning )
SHH. NOW...
I'M GOING TO BEGIN
BY APPLYING SHARP PRESSURE...
( spits )
TO THE AREAS JUST ABOVE
BOTH BUTTOCKS.
WHAT?
NOT WITH YOUR HANDS
YOU'RE NOT!
I DON'T WANT YOUR GERMS.
USE SOME OTHER TECHNIQUE.
FINE.
HERE, I'LL USE THIS.
OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT,
GERSHON. IT DOESN'T LOOK--
- I'LL MAKE IT WORK.
- WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU--
- HOLD STILL.
- ( screaming )
ARE YOU INSANE?!
GOD!
YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!
HOW IN GOD'S NAME IS
THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP?!
- HEY, HERE'S SOME BRANDY.
- I KNOW.
I NEED TO GO GE MY ACUPRESSURE BOOK.
AND I HAVE A VERY LARGE
VIBRATOR DOWNSTAIRS.
- MMM.
- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OH, GOD.
LOUIS, I THINK I SEE MY--
MY EYE MASK.
IT'S MY EYE MASK,
ISN'T IT?
OH MY... GOD.
OHH!
MMM! OH.
LET ME GET YOU A PILLOW.
LOUIS. LOUIS.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
DO NOT--
DO NOT LET...
GERSHON IN WITH HIS VIBRATOR.
YOU CAN IMAGINE WHERE
THAT THING'S BEEN.
ALL I NEED IS SLEEP.
I NEED TO PUT ON
MY EYE MASK.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL HANDLE GERSHON.
IF, BY CHANCE,
I DIE IN MY SLEEP,
I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE FUNERAL MASS
IS IN LATIN.
AND GIVE ALL MY WORLDLY GOODS
TO CATHOLIC CHARITIES,
EXCEPT FOR THE CHRISTMAS BALLS.
THOSE GO TO YOU.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE.
JUST GET SOME SLEEP, OKAY?
YES, SLEEP.
YOU KNOW, LOUIS,
IN SPITE
OF YOUR QUIRKS,
I THINK YOU'RE
THE SANEST PERSON I KNOW.
I'M VERY LUCKY
TO HAVE YOU HERE.
- ( door bangs )
- Gershon: I'VE GO THE VIBRATOR!
( screams )
( phone ringing )
( groans )
I GOT IT.
I GOT IT.
H. HARRISON'S RESIDENCE.
OH. YES.
JUST ONE MINUTE,
PLEASE.
IT'S VIVIAN CUDLIP'S
SECRETARY.
H. HARRISON.
I'M SORRY?
OH. OH, VIVIAN,
HOW ARE YOU, DEAR?
YES. OH,
THAT SOUNDS LOVELY.
YES, I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
OH, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
VIVIAN'S HOSTING
A DINNER PARTY TONIGH AT THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM.
SHE WANTS ME
TO ESCORT HER.
AND LOOK AT ME, LYING HERE
LIKE A USELESS OLD MAN.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
JUST CALL HER BACK
AND TELL HER
THE TRUTH.
I'M SURE
SHE'D UNDERSTAND.
AT HER AGE SHE MUS HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS.
VIVIAN HAS HAD EVERY CANCER
THERE IS-- TWICE.
NOT TO MENTION A HOLE
IN HER HEART.
BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED HER
EVER FROM GOING OUT.
IF I LET VIVIAN CONTAC ANY OF THE OTHER ROSEN KNIGHTS,
I'LL BE BANISHED.
BUT, HENRY,
THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN GO.
NO.
NO.
BUT YOU CAN.
ME?
( doorbell rings )
HELLO. I'M HERE
FOR MRS. CUDLIP.
Woman:
COME IN.
WAIT HERE.
( whispering )
COME IN.
YOU'RE LOUIS.
HENRY'S YOUNG FRIEND.
YES.
IT'S A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, MRS. CUDLIP.
I'VE HEARD NOTHING
BUT WONDERFUL THINGS.
WELL, IF HENRY SAID THEM,
DON'T BELIEVE A WORD.
LATELY THAT MAN IS
NOT TO BE TRUSTED.
HE INTRODUCED
MY GRANDDAUGHTER
TO A DEFORMED
SWISS CON MAN,
AND I'M NOT HAPPY
ABOUT IT.
- THAT'S SHOCKING.
- HE CAN BE A DEAR
FRIEND, HENRY,
BUT HE'S ANNOYINGLY INTEN AT BEING SOMETHING MORE.
HE'S ALWAYS DROPPING HINTS
ABOUT MARRYING ME, YOU KNOW.
NO, I DIDN'T.
AND MY OTHER FRIEND, ARESH,
IS THE SAME WAY.
( chuckling )
YOU'LL MEET HIM AT DINNER.
- THIS ROSE IS FOR YOU.
- VERY THOUGHTFUL.
THE CAR'S WAITING.
- MAY I HELP YOU?
- LET'S GO.
GET THIS FOR YOU.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM, LOUIS?
THIS CAVIAR IS WONDERFUL.
THE CHAMPAGNE AS WELL.
YES. I WANT MORE.
RIGHT AWAY, MRS. CUDLIP.
ANYTHING YOU NEED, JUST ASK.
( speaking Arabic )
A TOAST TO VIVIAN.
- OH, YES.
- THE MOST BEAUTIFUL,
THE MOST SOPHISTICATED,
THE MOST CULTURED...
- WAITER, I NEED A STRAW.
- ...THE MOST PROMINENT...
- OF COURSE.
- ...AND THE MOST POPULAR
GRAND DAME
IN ALL OF NEW YORK!
( sucking )
ALSO, YOU HAVE RECEIVED
A PHONE MESSAGE, MRS. CUDLIP.
OH, THANK YOU.
IT'S NICE TO SEE
YOU AGAIN, MEREDITH.
OH.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YES.
YES, HELLO.
I'M SORRY WE COULDN' ACCOMPANY YOU AND LOIS
TO THE WHITNEY
THAT NIGHT.
HENRY WAS A BI OUT OF SORTS.
YOU MEAN RUDE.
BUT YOU KNOW,
I DON'T CARE.
HENRY IS HORRIBLE
TO ALL WOMEN.
OH, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S TRUE.
HE HAD HIS HEAR BROKEN YEARS AGO
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
AND HANDSOME
AND STILL HAD MONEY,
AND HE TAKES IT OU ON WOMEN EVER SINCE.
YOU KNOW, HE WAS IN LOVE
WITH A CATHOLIC GIRL.
HER FAMILY WOULDN' ACCEPT HIM.
HENRY'S PROTESTANT,
AND HE PRETENDS
EVER SINCE TO BE CATHOLIC
BECAUSE HE THINKS IT HAS SOME
SORT OF MORAL SNOB APPEAL.
SPENCER MOONEY
TOLD ME HE SUSPECTS
THAT HENRY
IS HOMOSEXUAL.
PEOPLE SAY THAT TOO.
AND HE WAS
IN THE THEATER.
THEATER TYPES NEED TO BE
A LITTLE HOMOSEXUAL
SO THEY CAN FEEL THINGS
MORE DEEPLY.
BUT HENRY IS THE OPPOSITE--
HE HAS NO FEELINGS.
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- OH, I THINK SO.
I GIVE UP.
LOUIS,
COULD YOU READ THIS NAME
HERE FOR ME, PLEASE?
OF COURSE.
"BARRY BARBARASH."
OH, I'M NOT GOING
TO ANSWER THAT.
IF HE HEARS
I'M WITH OTHER MEN,
HE JUST GETS
WILDLY JEALOUS.
YES, VIVIAN, I WOULDN' ENCOURAGE HIM.
HE IS CHARMING
AND HAS VERY WONDERFUL
LONG LEGS,
BUT HE SPIES ON YOU,
VIVIAN, IN PALM BEACH.
YES.
HE HAS BINOCULARS
AND HE LOOKS AT YOU
WHEN YOU UNDRESS
IN YOUR ROOM AT THE COLONY.
DON'T GET STARTED, ARESH.
- JUST LOOK AT YOUR MENU...
- YES.
...AND PICK OU AN ENTREE PLEASE.
HOW ABOUT BARBARASH'S
HEAD ON A PLATE?
( chuckling )
YOU SEE?
YOU'RE NO BETTER
THAN ANY OF THEM.
YOU'RE JUST AS JEALOUS.
WOULDN'T YOU AGREE
WITH ME, LOUIS?
WELL, WANTING SOMEONE'S
HEAD ON A PLATE
WITH FLAMING COGNAC
DOES SOUND A LITTLE
JEALOUS TO ME.
WHAT "FLAMING COGNAC"?
( laughing )
"FLAMING COGNAC"!
- ( all laughing )
- LOUIS, I LIKE YOU.
I LIKE YOU SO MUCH.
( shouting Arabic )
( laughs nervously )
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO OFFEND HIM.
DID I REALLY HUR HIS FEELINGS?
OH YES, I THINK SO.
ARESH OFFENDS EASILY.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
PLEASE EXCUSE ME.
( sucking )
HENRY'S PROTEGE.
ARESH.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW
HOW MUCH SHE HURT ME.
I'VE LOST MY COUNTRY.
EVERYTHING.
SHE COULD
SO EASILY HELP ME,
BUT SHE DOESN'T EVEN
CONSIDER IT.
I AM THROUGH WITH HER.
I AM THROUGH
WITH VIVIAN CUDLIP.
Mary:
LOUIS?
OH MY GOD,
IT IS YOU!
BRAD, THIS IS
THE GUY FROM "TERRA"
I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
- THE ONE THA COVERED FOR ME.
- HEY, MAN.
- THANKS A MILLION, REALLY.
- SURE. SURE.
WE JUST GOT OU OF "THE WOMEN OF WORLD MUSIC"
SHOW AT CARNEGIE HALL.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE?
- OH, YOU KNOW,
JUST HAVING
DINNER WITH SOME FRIENDS.
HERE?
- YES.
- OH MY GOD,
THAT'S PERFECT.
LOUIS!
DON'T YOU DARE
LET ARESH'S NONSENSE
RUIN OUR EVENING.
I NEVER LOVED THAT IRANIAN
AND I NEVER WILL,
SO GET BACK IN THERE.
I HAVE TO GO.
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE OFFICE.
- COME IN.
- CHAMPAGNE.
UPSTAIRS TO THE LEFT.
OKAY.
I'LL CARRY YOU.
GOOD NIGHT, VIVIAN.
THANK YOU
FOR A SPECTACULAR EVENING.
NO,
THANK YOU, DEAR BOY.
TONIGHT,
YOU WERE NOTHING SHOR
OF A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.
- ( door closes )
- AH, HERE WE ARE.
HENRY, YOU'RE WALKING.
YES, A MIRACLE.
GERSHON'S MAGIC VIBRATOR
GOT ME UP AND RUNNING AGAIN,
AT LEAST TEMPORARILY.
HOW WAS YOUR EVENING?
IT WAS WONDERFUL.
VIVIAN AND I GOT ALONG
BEAUTIFULLY.
YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT WELL.
I SENT YOU THERE
TO KEEP MY RIVALS AT BAY,
NOT TO BECOME ONE OF THEM.
ACTUALLY,
I FEEL SORRY FOR VIVIAN.
EVERYBODY SEEMS TO WAN SOMETHING FROM HER,
AND YET SHE'S
STILL SO SWEET.
SWEET? VIVIAN?
SHE'S A MONSTER.
YOU SHOULD SEE THE WAY
SHE TREATS HER STAFF.
IT'S LIKE SOMETHING
OUT OF "PETER THE GREAT."
OH.
WELL, MAYBE SHE'S
A SWEET MONSTER.
WHY ARE YOU PACKING?
- I'M GOING TO FLORIDA.
- HUH?
YES.
SUN, VERMOUTH
AND CODEINE IS
MY ONLY HOPE FOR A CURE.
WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?
TONIGHT,
ON THE MIDNIGHT BUS.
( sighs )
SO THERE WE ARE.
WHERE ARE WE?
I'M GOING
TO MISS YOU, HENRY.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
BUT I AM.
CAN I AT LEAST HELP YOU
WITH YOUR BAG?
THEY MAKE THEM
WITH WHEELS NOW.
I'LL MANAGE.
SO TRY NOT TO BURN DOWN
THE APARTMENT,
AND NO GUESTS.
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
I'LL SEE YOU IN THE SPRING!
( horn honking )
SUNDAY MORNING
BRINGS THE DAWN IN
IT'S JUS A RESTLESS FEELING
BY MY SIDE
EARLY DAWNING
SUNDAY MORNING
IT'S JUST THE WASTED YEARS
SO CLOSE BEHIND
WATCH OUT
THE WORLD'S BEHIND YOU
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE
AROUND YOU
WHO WILL CALL
IT'S NOTHING AT ALL
WATCH OUT,
THE WORLD'S BEHIND YOU
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE
AROUND YOU
WHO WILL CALL
IT'S NOTHING AT ALL
SUNDAY MORNING
SUNDAY MORNING.
( door opening )
HEN-- HENRY?
( keys jingling )
( gasps )
I'M OTTO BELLMAN.
I LIVED HERE ONCE
WITH HENRY.
HE'S IN PALM BEACH, YES?
OH. YES, HE IS.
I WOULD LIKE MY MAIL.
OKAY.
PLEASE, COME IN.
AND EXCUSE MY APPEARANCE.
I DON'T FORGE THIS PLACE.
IT IS MOST FILTHY HOME
I EVER LIVED IN.
WHY IS IT SO COLD?
HENRY KEPT I IN THE FREEZER.
( laughs )
OH, HENRY.
( laughing )
HENRY IS VERY ORIGINAL,
DON'T YOU THINK?
CHRISTMAS BALLS,
VERY ORIGINAL.
DANCING, VERY ORIGINAL.
SNEAKING INTO THE OPERA,
VERY ORIGINAL.
HE AND I WEN SIX TIMES TOGETHER.
THAT MANY?
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
OH, I'M SORRY. LOUIS.
LOUIS?
- AH, LOUIS IVES.
- YES.
YOU ARE ON VIVIAN'S LIS TO ATTEND MY WEDDING.
I WILL MARRY
HER GRANDDAUGHTER, YOU KNOW.
I'VE HEARD.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I'M FLATTERED TO HEAR
I MADE VIVIAN'S LIST.
I WOULD LIKE HENRY
TO ATTEND.
HE IS STILL MAD
AT ME THOUGH.
HE ACCUSES ME
OF STEALING HIS PLAY.
ANYWAY,
I WILL TRACK HIM DOWN
MYSELF IN PALM BEACH
AND CONVINCE HIM.
SO THE WEDDING
WILL BE SOON?
YES.
THANK YOU FOR MAIL.
I GO SEE GERSHON NOW.
Mary:
BRAD IS ALWAYS COMPLAINING
ABOUT THE RATTY T-SHIRTS
I SLEEP IN.
OH NO.
- OH MY GOD.
- THE SALES GIRL SAID
IT WOULD LOOK GREAT.
OH YEAH!
- YEAH.
- HE'S GONNA--
SHIT, LOUIS!
- HOW EMBARRASSING.
- DON'T WORRY.
I HAVE THE SAME ONE.
( laughing )
MARY, COULD I TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND
- BEFORE YOU LEAVE?
- SURE.
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU
IN THE HALLWAY.
SO REMEMBER AT LUNCH
HOW YOU SAID YOU OWE ME
A BIG FAVOR?
- MM-HMM.
- WELL,
AS IT TURNS OU
I HAVE BEEN INVITED
TO A SOCIETY WEDDING.
I'D LIKE
TO BRING A DATE,
BUT I DON'T REALLY KNOW
ANYONE MY AGE IN TOWN,
SO I WAS WONDERING
IF MAYBE YOU'D
ACCOMPANY ME.
UM...
I'M PRETTY SERIOUS
WITH BRAD RIGHT NOW,
- SO THIS IS--
- I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE
WE COULD GO
AS FRIENDS.
IN FACT, I'M SUPPOSED
TO GET INTRODUCED
TO A YOUNG WOMAN THERE.
THE NIECE OF THE BRIDE'S
GRANDMOTHER.
I REALLY JUST--
I DON'T THINK THIS IS
THE BEST IDEA.
PLEASE DON'T BE MAD.
I JUST THINK THAT HONESTY
IS SUPER IMPORTANT,
AND THE TRUTH IS...
IT MAKES ME
UNCOMFORTABLE.
OKAY.
I UNDERSTAND.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.
I'LL SEE YOU MONDAY.
( dance music playing )
I ADORE YOU.
HEY, BABY.
CAN I GET YOU
ANYTHING ELSE, HONEY?
NO, THANK YOU.
I'M FINE.
OKAY.
IS THIS YOUR
FIRST TIME HERE?
YES, ACTUALLY IT IS.
I'M MISS PEPPER,
AND IF YOU'RE INTERESTED
IN DATING A WOMAN
LIKE ME, YOU CAN.
MANY OF THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
HERE ARE AVAILABLE
FOR A DATE.
FOR A DONATION, THAT IS.
I DON'T THINK SO,
BUT THEY ARE
BEAUTIFUL.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU DO IT.
OH.
YOU KNOW,
YOU'D ACTUALLY MAKE
A PRETTY GIRL YOURSELF.
PUT ON A FIERCE BLOND WIG
TO GO WITH YOUR BRIGHT EYES.
CONTOUR YOUR NOSE A BIT.
MY NOSE IS VERY MASCULINE,
ISN'T IT?
HONEY, IF THERE'S
A WOMAN IN THERE,
IT WOULD TAKE MORE
THAN A NOSE TO KEEP HER DOWN.
GEORGE?
YES.
YOU MUST BE SANDRA.
PLEASE COME IN.
WHERE DO YOU
WANT TO DO THIS?
I USUALLY SUGGES THE KITCHEN.
OKAY. SURE.
GREAT. STRIP DOWN
TO YOUR UNDERWEAR
AND WE'LL GET STARTED.
THIS IS WHA I'D LIKE TO WEAR.
SURE, IF IT FITS.
YOU GIVEN ANY THOUGH TO THE WIG?
I BROUGHT THREE.
YES. I'D LIKE
BRUNETTE, PLEASE.
IN FACT,
I WOULD LIKE TO LOOK...
AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
LIKE HER.
A PLUME OF DOOM
WILL RISE
ELUDING HEARTS
AND SKIES
DESTROYING EAGLES' EYES
WHILE WE ALL LAMENT
THIS BUSINESS
OF CEMENT.
WHAT WAS THAT?
I THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD
CONTRIBUTE A SONG
TO THE NEXT RALLY.
I THINK IT KIND
OF WORKS, MAYBE.
- ( hisses )
- WHAT?
IT'S A LITTLE
CORNY, NO?
OH.
- IT'S NOT FINISHED YET.
- ( chuckles )
THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.
OKAY. I'M SORRY.
I JUST--
I JUST BELIEVE
THAT HONESTY
IS SUPER IMPORTANT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
COME ON.
LET'S GO TO BED.
I'M DYING TO SEE
THAT SURPRISE YOU GOT.
READY?
WELL?
Narrator:
THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN'S
HEART SANK.
HE LOOKED NOTHING LIKE
WHAT HE HAD IMAGINED.
IN FACT,
HE WAS HORRIFIED
BY WHAT HE SAW.
WAIT WAIT.
I FORGOT THE JEWELRY.
BUT WITH THIS CRUSHING
DISAPPOINTMEN
CAME A GREA REVELATION--
DESPITE HIS OCCASIONAL
PENCHANT FOR WOMEN'S CLOTHING,
LOUIS IVES DID NOT WAN TO TRANSFORM HIMSELF.
THERE WAS NO WOMAN
INSIDE HIM DYING TO GET OUT.
HE DID NOT LONG
TO BE BEAUTIFUL LIKE MARY,
OR THE GIRLS
AT SALLY'S.
THIS WAS NO HIS PATH TO LOVE.
THIS IS WRONG.
- IT'S ALL WRONG.
- NO!
NO. NO, YOU LOOK
REALLY NICE!
IN FACT, STANDING THERE
DRESSED AS A WOMAN,
HE NEVER FELT MORE
LIKE A MAN IN HIS LIFE.
WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?!
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T THINK
I NEEDED TO ASK
IF I WAS PAYING!
- WHAT?!
- PLEASE, STOP YELLING.
- YOU, ASSHOLE!
- WHAT?
- I JUST DIDN'T UNDER--
- WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?
HENRY!
WHAT--
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
- GET OUT OF MY HOME!
- WHAT'S GOING ON?!
- GO, GO!
- SHIT!
- GET OUT OF MY HOME!
- ( Sandra screams )
- GET OUT OF MY HOME!
- Sandra: FREAKS!
- GO. GO.
- FUCKING FREAKS!
- GET OUT!
- JESUS CHRIST!
I TRUSTED YOU.
I TRUSTED YOU.
I TRUSTED YOU.
- HENRY--
- HERE WITH EVERYTHING
I OWN.
HENRY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE COMING HOME SO SOON.
I HAD TO.
VIVIAN DIED.
OH MY...
GOD.
HENRY, I'M SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.
I DON'T WAN YOUR SYMPATHY.
- I ONLY WANT YOUR ABSENCE.
- HENRY, PLEASE.
I'M GOING FOR A WALK.
I WANT YOU
OUT OF MY APARTMEN BY THE TIME I GET BACK.
PLEASE WAIT.
CAN'T YOU JUS FOR ONCE--
HENRY!
HENRY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY!
LOOK, OBVIOUSLY
I HAVE SOME ISSUES!
MMM.
I TRIED MY BES TO HIDE THEM,
BECAUSE I DESPERATELY
WANTED YOUR FRIENDSHIP.
BUT THE REAL TRUTH IS
I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
NOBODY SEEMS TO.
- ( tires squeal )
- ( screams )
( crashes )
Narrator:
AS LOUIS IVES' VEHICLE
WAS HAULED AWAY...
SO WAS HIS ENTIRE
FOUNDATION.
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME
SINCE HE MOVED THERE,
LOUIS IVES CONSIDERED
GIVING UP
ON MANHATTAN ALTOGETHER.
( door buzzes )
( speaking softly )
- MORNING, LOUIS.
- MORNING, GEORGE.
FAREWELL, MY VIVIAN.
I SHALL ALWAYS BE
YOUR MOST DEVOTED
ROSEN KNIGHT.
( knocks,
clears throat )
YOU WANTED
TO SEE ME, GEORGE?
YEAH. YEAH, I DID.
SIT DOWN PLEASE, LOUIS.
IS SOMETHING...
WRONG?
THERE'S JUST SOMETHING
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
OKAY.
LOUIS, PHONE SALES,
THEY'RE NOT REALLY
RIGHT FOR YOU.
- NO?
- NO.
YOU'RE JUST--
YOU'RE NOT THE RIGH PERSONALITY TYPE, LOUIS.
NOW OUR MAGAZINE
IS DOING--
IS DOING VERY WELL,
YOU KNOW THAT.
THE EDITING STAFF
CAN BARELY KEEP UP
WITH ALL THE UNSOLICITED
MANUSCRIPTS THAT ARE
COMING IN.
SO WHAT I WOULD
PREFER TO DO
IS TO START YOU
COPY EDITING.
YOU'VE GOT A QUIET,
KEEN INSIGHT, LOUIS.
THAT'S AN ASSET HERE.
WE SHOULD GROOM YOU
AS A WRITER,
NOT AS A SALESMAN.
I GUESS WHA I'M SAYING IS,
I'M OFFERING YOU
A PROMOTION.
Mary:
LOUIS?
LOUIS, I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU.
I WAS THINKING...
AND YOU DID ME
A REALLY SELFLESS FAVOR,
AND I WAS REALLY SELFISH
NOT TO RETURN IT.
OH.
SO IF YOU STILL NEED
A DATE FOR THAT WEDDING,
I WOULD BE HAPPY
AND HONORED
TO FILL THAT POSITION.
MARY,
I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOU OFFERING
TO BE MY DATE.
BUT I'M NOT SURE
IF IT'S THE BEST THING
FOR ME ANYMORE.
REALLY?
ARE YOU THROWING THOSE
CHRISTMAS BALLS OUT?
HELLO, HENRY.
LOOK AT THEM,
STRUTTING AROUND AS IF
THEY OWN THE WHOLE CITY...
AND YET THEY'RE
COMPLETELY DEPENDENT.
NOT A POT TO PISS IN.
WELL, THEY DO LOOK
AWFULLY PROUD.
HENRY, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR LAST NIGHT.
YOU ARE ALWAYS APOLOGIZING.
DON'T BE SO OBSEQUIOUS.
IT'S YOUR APARTMENT.
THEY'RE YOUR RULES.
I BROKE THEM.
YES...
ALL THAT IS TRUE.
BUT I'M NO AS OLD FASHIONED
AS YOU THINK.
DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE
NOT KICKING ME OUT FOR GOOD?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
YOU DID KICK BELLMAN
OUT FOR LESS.
I KNOW.
BUT THERE'S
A DIFFERENCE--
IT WOULD BE SAD
TO LOSE YOU.
HMM.
BUT YOU REALLY DO
NEED HELP, YOU KNOW?
YOU MIGHT THINK
ABOUT GOING OVER
TO THE AMERICAN LEGION
FOR COUNSELING.
HMM.
NO, THEY'LL GE YOU THINKING RIGHT.
ACTUALLY, WHAT I'VE
DECIDED TO DO IS
TO DEVOTE MORE TIME
TO WRITING--
PROFESSIONALLY
AND PERSONALLY.
I THINK IT MAY BE
THERAPEUTIC.
GOOD.
YES, IT HELPS.
BUT I WOULDN'T RULE OU PSYCHOANALYSIS EITHER.
I'VE THOUGH ABOUT THAT TOO.
- GERSHON?!
- ( laughs ) HEY!
YOU LOOK GREAT,
GERSHON.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU LOOK PRACTICALLY
MIDDLE CLASS.
- I DID I FOR THE WEDDING.
- MY GOD.
WHAT'S THIS?
MY PLAY!
GERSHON, YOU?
I WAS ANGRY.
AND I WAS HURT.
AND I WANTED
TO HURT YOU BACK.
BUT I'M SORRY, HENRY.
IT WAS WRONG.
I DEEPLY REGRET IT.
CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEAR TO FORGIVE ME?
I FORGIVE YOU, GERSHON.
YOU MUSTN'T SIN ANYMORE.
NO SIN AGAINS YOUR FELLOW MAN,
NO SIN AGAINST YOUR BODY.
FOLLOW THE BIBLE.
WORK!
WORK ON YOUR SOUL.
PRAY FOR ENLIGHTENMENT.
WHO KNOWS, MAYBE LOUIS AND I
WILL GET SOME TOO,
BECAUSE WE LIVE
JUST UPSTAIRS.
AND DO YOU,
OTTO RALPH BELLMAN,
TAKE THIS WOMAN,
MARGARET CHASE CUDLIP,
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED WIFE,
FOR RICHER, FOR POORER,
IN SICKNESS
AND IN HEALTH,
SO LONG AS YOU BOTH
SHALL LIVE?
THAT'S VIVIAN'S NIECE.
- Otto: I DO.
- BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME
BY THE ALMIGHTY GOD...
SHE'S A LITTLE OLD FOR ME,
DON'T YOU THINK?
- I NOW PRONOUNCE
YOU MAN AND WIFE.
- HMM?
- SHE'S BARELY 50.
- HENRY, SHH!
- SHH!
- SHH!
- SHH!
- SHH!
- YOU MAY NOW KISS
THE BRIDE.
- SACRED.
( applause )
CONGRATULATIONS.
CONGRATULATIONS, OTTO.
Henry:
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
WHEN I FINISH TEACHING
IN AUGUST,
THE THREE OF US
SHOULD GO TO RUSSIA.
THREE CAN MANAGE
VERY WELL THERE.
WE WON'T NEED MUCH.
A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
ONLY COSTS
$4 ON THE BLACK SEA.
OH, THANK YOU,
MY DEAR.
LOVELY.
( applause )
Narrator:
AND AS THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN
THREW RICE WITH THE REST,
HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD
THOSE WORDS
OF HIS DEAR
AND ESSENTIAL FRIEND
HENRY HARRISON...
"SO THERE WE ARE.
WHERE ARE WE?"
( rock music playing )
PRINCE OF PLAYERS
PAWN OF NONE
BORN WITH STEEL REINS
ON THE HEAR OF THE SUN
GYPSY EXPLORER
OF THE NEW JERSEY
HEIGHTS
EXALTED COMPANION
OF COCAINE NIGHTS
'CAUSE HE'S A DANDY
IN THE UNDERWORLD
DANDY IN THE UNDERWORLD
WHEN WILL HE COME UP
FOR AIR?
OH, WILL ANYBODY
EVER CARE?
AT AN OLD 18
EXILED HE WAS
TO THE DESERTED KINGDOMS
OF A MYTHICAL OZ
DISTRACTION HE WANTED
TO DESTRUCTION
HE FELL
NOW HE FOREVER STALKS
THE ANCIENT MANSIONS
OF HELL
'CAUSE HE'S A DANDY
IN THE UNDERWORLD
DANDY IN THE UNDERWORLD
WHEN WILL HE
COME UP FOR AIR?
OH, WILL ANYBODY
EVER CARE?
( scatting )
'CAUSE HE'S A DANDY
IN THE UNDERWORLD
DANDY IN THE UNDERWORLD
WHEN WILL HE
COME UP FOR AIR?
OH, WILL ANYBODY
EVER CARE?
WHEN ALL HIS LOVERS
HAVE LEFT HIM
AND HIS YOUTH'S
ILL SPENT
HE CRIES
IN THE DUNGEONS
AND TRIES TO REPENT
BUT CHANGE IS A MONSTER
AND CHANGING IS HARD
SO HE'LL FREEZE AWAY
HIS SUMMERS
IN HIS UNDERGROUND YARD
'CAUSE HE'S A DANDY
IN THE UNDERWORLD
DANDY IN THE UNDERWORLD
WHEN WILL HE
COME UP FOR AIR?
OH, WILL ANYBODY
EVER CARE?
PRINCE OF PLAYERS
PAWN OF NONE
BORN WITH STEEL REINS
ON THE HEAR OF THE SUN
GYPSY EXPLORER
OF THE NEW JERSEY HEIGHTS
EXALTED COMPANION
OF COCAINE NIGHTS
'CAUSE HE'S A DANDY
IN THE UNDERWORLD
DANDY IN THE UNDERWORLD
WHEN WILL HE COME UP
FOR AIR?
OH, WILL ANYBODY
EVER CARE?
'CAUSE HE'S A DANDY
IN THE UNDERWORLD
DANDY IN THE UNDERWORLD
WHEN WILL HE
COME UP FOR AIR?
OH, WILL ANYBODY
EVER CARE?
'CAUSE HE'S A DANDY
IN THE UNDERWORLD
DANDY IN THE UNDERWORLD.