- Anyone inside?
- Not yet, sir.
- Good morning, Mr. Forst.
- Good morning, Mr. Forst.
Good morning, Mr. Forst.
- I have some correspondence
and some papers for you to sign.
- Don't bother me with that stuff.
- Would you like some coffee?
- No.
- You look lousy.
- You're not in a good mood?
- Anything I can do for you?
- I'll give you a list of my maladies.
You better give me a cup of coffee.
I don't want to yawn in Mrs. Miniver's face.
- Yes, sir.
- Hmm?
[No Audible Dialogue]
- Here you are.
- Will you take this thing out of my mouth?
- Okay.
- Thanks.
- Good morning.
- [All] Good morning, Miss Whiteford.
Hello, Nita.
How'd they get you out of bed?
Aw, shut up.
Harry. Oh, you know Harry Selfrine.
[Forst] Do I know Harry Selfrine?
Do I know Harry.
Good morning.
- Jim Mortensen.
- [Whiteford] Nice boy.
Kazmier, Edward.
Do you know Richard Forst, our manager?
Hello, darling. Lang. L-A-N-G.
How are you, dear?
[Kisses Hand]
- Good morning, Mr. Draper.
- [Whiteford] All right.
When I was a kid,
we used to play a game called...
"Your mother wears army shoes."
I'm not your mother.
Sit down.
- [Laughing]
- Do you know Frederick P. Draper?
Thank you, Emily Dickinson.
- Here you are.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
What are you gonna
sell us this time, Harry?
Money.
- Actually, it's a very good film.
- We call it the, uh...
Dolce vita
of the commercial field.
- Is that so?
- I don't mean to insinuate it's a crude film.
We were trying to capture
several approaches.
- WhatJim means is that we really
- No, no. That's not what I mean at all.
We were talking facts and figures
until we practically went out of our minds.
Losses, gains, ratings, schmatings.
You can lose your mind
if you keep analyzing things like that.
Then we came up with
an impressionistic document that shocks.
- Is that so?
- I don't think it so much shocks as it's honest.
It's honest,
but it's a good piece in itself.
So, you see, we're a a little nervous
about hitting you with this.
Oh, now, they've got nothing
to be nervous about.
It's a shot in the dark,
but it's strong and it's attractive.
It better be
better than the last one, Harry.
I think I'll loan you my sleeping pills.
You know, I have insomnia...
and I stay awake all night looking at pictures,
worrying about pictures.
I walk all over the place.
- Let's see it,J.P.
- I'd rather hear 'em talk about it again.
- [Man] We'll talk about it later.
- [Forst]J.P.
All right, Arnold. Roll it.
[Man Making Kissing Sound]
[Man] You're after my money, huh?
[Makes Kissing Sound]
[Chuckles]
You're not gonna drink this?
Too bad.
- Never let good liquor go to waste.
# Never let it go to waste #
- Oh!
# Never let it ##
Ida. Ida, I adore you.
Never let good liquor go to waste.
- Arrivederci! Ciao!
- [Man] Go on. Beat it.
- "Scusa pleasa." Bye-bye.
- [Man] So long, sucker.
I'll drive. I'll drive.
Give me the keys. Give me the keys.
Give me the keys.
I'll drive.
[Man Humming]
[Glove Compartment Opens]
[Engine Starts]
[Laughing]
[Chattering]
[Forst]
Don't make any noise, Jeannie. Here, Freddie.
- [Yells]
- No, no, Freddie.
- Drink, drink, drink.
- Freddie.
- [Jeannie] Shh, shh.
- Drink, drink, drink, drink.
- Come on.
- No, I don't care if we wake 'em.
We'll get 'em all a drink.
Let everybody come in and have a drink.
[Laughing]
- [Chimes Jingle, Door Bangs]
- Shh. Shh, shh, shh.
- Shh. Shh.
- Ha!
- # I got drunk tonight #
- Shh!
## [Muffled Singing]
# I got drunk tonight
like I never got drunk before #
#When I'm drunk I'm happy as can be #
# I am a member of the souse family #
#The souse family is the best family #
#That ever came over
from old Germany ##
[Yelling]
Oh. Oh, boy.
- [Knocking]
- [Jabbering]
- Shh!
- Ah!
# Deck the halls with boughs of holly #
# Fa, la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la #
- What are you doing?
- # 'Tis the season to bejolly #
#Fa, la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la #
#Troll the ancient yuletide carols #
- # Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ##
- [Forst Laughing]
What the hell are we doing here?
[Laughing]
[Jeannie Sighs]
There's just
All of a sudden...
we just joined the clan
of I-don't-give-a-damners.
Wake up, and have a good time before
the bad fairy comes and makes it midnight!
Say, listen. If there's anything
I can't stand, it's a bad fairy.
What the hell do you know
about Cinderella?
Look, now. Sit down.
I wanna tell you something.
Just sit down. Sit down.
Don't let this sophisticated
exterior fool you.
I believe in Aesop's Fables
and Walt Disney.
All right, Freddie.
Okay. All right.
"All right" my left eyeball.
We met at a bar.
- Right, Jeannie?
- Right.
And it was love at first sight.
Right, Jeannie?
- Right.
- We were thrown out by Morey.
But we had laughs.
- Right?
- Right!
Shut up. Who asked ya?
Listen...
I think...
Forst is a holier-than-thou.
- I am not.
- Who asked ya? Now, cool it.
You go to a psychiatrist,
don't you, Dickie?
- No, I don't.
- Well, you look Freudian.
- I never even met a psychiatrist.
- He looks like Sigmund.
- Yes, he does!
- [Freddie Laughs]
Do you know that Freud said if you go
to the bathroom, it's supposed to be sexy?
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Sick, sick, sick, sick! Sick!
[Freddie Laughing]
Come on, now.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
What the hell are we talking about?
- [Jeannie] Who cares?
- Who cares?
Yeah. For a minute or two we act stupid.
We have a good time.
Who does it hurt? I mean,
who makes up the rules anyway?
I mean, always play it cool,
always put everybody down.
Standing in a corner looking out the side
of your eye, see if anybody's lookin' at ya.
- Listen. Hell, fellas. I'm 28
- [Forst] Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
I'm 23 years old,
and it's time for me to forget myself, right?
Right!
[Muttering]
- Down with the middle class!
- Right.
- Down with the white-collar workers!
- Down, down, down!
- Down, down with the
- I'll give you the swiftest pain in the behind
that was ever invented!
Down with the, uh, uh,
lecturers and do-gooders.
- You know who I hate?
- Down with squealers.
- On television!
- I hate cheap people.
Down with hospitals that keep people
waiting until they get paid.
- Right.
- Some hospitals are okay.
Down with hospitals!
- Don't bully me!
- Don't bully her!
- You shut up.
- Down with gossip columns.
[Forst]
And to hell with politics. It stinks!
Kill the finks for something!
Down with Sunday schools!
[Cackling]
[Jeannie]
I like Sunday schools.
- [Cackling]
- Hey, I got one.
- [Forst] What is it?
- Down with friendship. I think it's phony.
[Yells]
Attagirl!
Oh, wait a minute. You don't know
what you're talking about.
Fr-Friendship Friendship is a tradition.
Friendship is useful.
- Dickie, I got the most terrible friends.
- I don't care.
- Sometimes you need a friend.
- So buy a dog!
Oh, I'm talkin' about us, stupid!
Why are you so stupid?
You know how long
I know this jerk?
- Well, Dickie, he's just Dickie.
- No, no, no.
- I'm not one of these guys who has a few
- I know.
- Ah, he didn't mean it.
- Oh. There he is.
- Come on out, and to hell
with the family and responsibilities.
- That's right.
Come on. Let's ball it up, old buddy.
We don't even know each other.
I'm talking about
somebody deep down!
- That's right. That's right.
- I'm talk
He's gonna cry.
Do something. Freddie!
[Forst]
I'm talking about something
[Mimicking Sobs]
Oh, Dickie, Dickie, Dickie.
Hi, ho, Silver, away!
Get 'em up, Scout!
The Lone Ranger rides again.
Masked bandits. Get 'em, Tonto!
[Mimics Gunfire]
Aaah! Aaah!
Aaah! My hand!
Oh, and I shot your hand.
That's a silver bullet.
Hi, ho, Silver, away!
Hey, Jeannie.
Hey, Jeannie.
Did you hear the one
[Laughing]
About the goose that
went down into the subway...
and got peopled to death?
Oh, isn't that
Listen, do you know
that Dickie and I...
# Used to do routines in college #
[Laughing]
Oh, boy!
- Hey, Freddie.
- Remember that time
we auditioned for the nightclub?
Ah, it closed! Hey, Freddie, let's do
one of our routines forJeannie, eh?
Come on.
Come on. Let's do it.
- Well, come on!
- [Laughs]
It wasn't funny then, buddy,
and a hundred years wouldn't change it.
Listen, Freddie, after what I saw on television,
I'm not ashamed of any of our routines.
- Now, come on. Come on.
- Come on. I do want to see it.
- Come on!
- All right! Let's do it.
- Come on, you crazy, shy son of a bitch.
- Go ahead.
Up on your feet.
Come on.
Come on! Come on!
- She doesn't want to see it.
- Come on! I'll do that goddamn routine!
- No. To hell with ya.
- Come on! Hey, listen. Get this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the great Siegfried!
- Yea! Yea!
- ## [Mimics Trumpet Flourish]
Bow! Bow, will ya! Bow!
Aw, come on, Dickie! Bow!
Oh, phooey!
Phooey, phooey, phooey!
He spoiled the whole goddamn act.
When the drumroll begins,
he's supposed to bow.
All right, you big chickens.
I'll do mine.
- Okay, you ready? Listen.
- I'm ready!
Neither one of you's
a communist, are you?
- Well, uh
- Oh, I don't care.
I made this up.
All right?
[With Russian Accent]
#There's a #
# Moscow theater
where the Reds love to go #
#To see Sonia the cutie
of the burleskovitch show #
#All the Commies love her stripping
to the very last man #
#They claim it's even better
than the Five-Year Plan #
#Take it off
Take it off #
# Da-da, da-da #
- #Take it off, take it off #
- ## [Freddie Vocalizing]
#Take it off
Take it off #
# But she didn't join the fun ##
- [All Laughing]
- [Freddie] Whee!
[Jeannie Sighing]
Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Come on, Dickie. Come on.
- What?
Now, listen. Get the picture.
- Stand up there.
- This is a fine
- This is a fine impression
we'll make with the lady, huh?
- Stand up there!
- "Stand up there."
- Listen. Get the picture.
- We
- Boy, this is ridiculous.
- Look, I'm gonna We're gonna do it
if my heart doesn't give out.
- All right.
Are you ready?
Now, get the picture.
Pinpoint spot.
[Makes Whooshing Sound]
- I got the picture. I got it.
- Got it?
- Achtung!
- Achtung!
- Right turn!
- Right turn!
- Right turn!
- [Yelling] Shoulders back!
- Back!
- [Yells]
- [Yells]
- [Yells]
[Grunting]
Cut.
[Laughs]
[Growling]
- Attention.
- Attenzione!
Ooh!
Ta-da!
And I'm supposed to act like
like it's all a big mistake.
- It's wonderful. You're wonderful.
- [Freddie] Ooh, Jeannie.
You're great.
And now
And now, if you'll excuse me...
I'm going into the boudoir to change
into something more comfortable.
Don't worry. You shall feel
many guilts but remain pure.
[Sighs]
Oh. My heart.
It's beating.
- I'm so excited.
- Shit!
Uh-huh.
What are we doin' on our knees?
[Laughing]
What is the matter with you?
[Humming]
She's gonna change!
Ooh, Dickie. Remember when we didn't
have to worry about our wives and kids?
Oh, God!
Yeah.
Phew.
Mmm.
Remember when we had
our own apartment...
and all the girls would
come up and see us?
And they'd mix drinks for us,
and they would cook us anything we wanted...
and then they'd give us their money
and go to bed with us.
- Don't you remember?
- It never happened.
Of course it did. Don't you remember
Connie and Julie and what the hell's her name?
- The one with the
- I don't know.
Oh, my God, Dickie! You're getting old
and gray, and I'm getting fat and gray.
What the hell's she doing in there?
# I dream #
# OfJeannie with the light brown hair #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair, hey #
# Hey, I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair, hey #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair, hey, hey #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
##[Both Mumbling]
# Light brown hair #
# I dream of Freddie
with the light brown hair #
# I dream ofJeannie #
#With the light brown hair #
## [All Humming]
# I dream ofJeannie with the #
# I dream of Dickie with the silver hair #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
# I dream ofJeannie #
[Laughs]
# Light brown hair #
# I dream #
[Jeannie]
Sing it, Dickie.
Hey, uh
## [Jeannie Humming]
## [Forst Humming]
# I dream ofJeannie #
#With the light brown hair #
# Borne like a vapor #
## [Humming]
# I dream #
# OfJeannie
with her light brown hair #
## [Both Humming]
By the way, Jeannie,
what do you charge?
# I dream ofJeannie #
#With the light ##
Oh, Freddie.
Aw, Freddie.
Aw, no, Freddie.
Don't spoil it, Freddie. Please.
Spoil what?
Honey, I'm game for anything.
I just want to know
how much you charge.
It's legitimate, isn't it?
I know I have to pay.
I'm not too schooled
in these things...
but I know somewhere along the line, your
little hand's gonna find its way into my pocket.
You're shocked, aren't you,
old Dickie, old pal?
What do you think she is? You think she's
some clean towel that's never been used?
[Freddie]
My God, Dickie. You think you don't pay?
How many times a week
does Maria ask you for some money?
Money, Charlie, is a necessity. And don't you think
that you don't work for it and pay for it.
My God, wait.
What is this?
He thinks I'm insulting you.
I'm offering you.
Hell, look!
What's the matter?
If I went to one of
those fancy restaurants...
I'd probably tip the headwaiter,
the waiter, the busboy...
and a hundred bucks
goes flying down the drain.
And I couldn't have any more fun
than I could with Jeannie here.
- Let go of my girl.
- Dickie, wait. Please.
Please. Please. Please.
Don't be shocked.
It's like this.
Fred is a very sad man.
- Now, you
- Will you let me finish!
Because you're a man
who doesn't say what you mean very well.
What you meant was this was a wonderful evening,
and you enjoy my house and you like me.
But like you said, you're crude.
I'm sorry.
Honey, I was only tryin' to be funny.
- I thought you said you were trying to be funny.
- Well, you go with your
You go!
If you're in such a damned hurry.
My reputation's at stake here!
Ah.
Good night.
Good night, Jeannie.
[Whispers]
I'm sorry.
I don't know how you do it.
Well, I just
I just close my eyes, and I
I see how much liquor I can swallow.
[Blows Nose]
[Sighs]
I pray that I'll die and be...
martyred by the church
for my service to humanity.
You're a lovely girl.
I'm too old to be lovely.
And I haven't got a heart of gold.
The nights are long, and Little Orphan Annie
of Hard Knocksville gets tough, you know.
I think I'd better go.
Then go ahead! Get the hell out!
Beat it, snowball!
- Right?
- Right.
You're on your own again.
[Laughing]
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
[Door Hinges Squeak]
[Woman]
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Come here.
Well, how did you find that out?
It's very important, but I don't think
there's anything you can do about it.
- Maria, I want to talk to ya.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Louise, I just came home from the office.
Yes, I had a very hard day,
and something important came up. Can...
she call you back later?
Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
- [Chuckling]
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
[Laughing]
Uh-huh.
Louise, we'll call you back later.
Good-bye.
I'm gonna have a drink.
You kill me.
- Yeah? Why do I kill ya?
- [Laughing]
Why do I kill ya?
Why do I kill ya, huh?
Why? What do you want to drink?
Whatever it is,
I want it on the rocks, straight and dirty...
because I feel very, very bitchy tonight.
Well, I feel very, very bitchy too.
That makes two of us.
Blue Monday for me today.
All day the phone rang and rang.
"Hello, Maria?" "Good-bye, Maria."
- "Hello, darling. Good-bye, darling."
- Hello, darling. [Chuckles]
- Your sense of humor's going to
destroy our marriage someday.
- I wasn't trying to be funny.
- [Chuckles]
- Listen, Maria, go get me a cigarette, will ya?
Ooh. We're out. I'm sorry.
I smoked myself silly today.
- You're such a conformist.
- Like hell I am!
Dickie, why don't you take me
to a movie, okay?
- Why doesn't somebody fill these stupid boxes?
- You smoke too much.
There's a Bergman film
in the neighborhood.
I don't feel like
getting depressed tonight.
But you always love foreign film.
- Where the hell are the cigarettes?
- We're out!
- What are you getting so huffy about?
- There's nothing on television tonight.
If I had a cigarette, I could think.
- You're hungry.
- Right!
But you're always hungry.
That's because I always
come home at dinnertime.
Oh, I love you
when you look like that.
Look like what?
Tell me quick, and I'll write it down.
- You wanna fight, huh?
- [Giggling] Yeah, I wanna fight.
Smug. I knew it the first time
I looked at you.
- The better-than-you expression.
- That's right.
- I'm the pompous puke of all times.
- Yeah, and you smell like a brewery too.
And I smell like a brewery too.
And you'll take me
to a movie show?
I'll... take you...
any place that
your little heart desires...
if you'll just keep that lovely mouth of yours
closed for a couple of seconds.
I have a lovely dinner for you.
Come on. Take off your coat
and stay a while, bright eyes.
Well, that sounds like
some kind of a proposition.
Oh, Dickie, you're so innocent,
it's hard to get through to you sometimes.
- Oh, really?
- [Chuckles]
- No place like home.
- What?
- I said have you ever been to Rome?
- Italy?
[Chuckles]
- I love you.
- But you always love me when I bring food.
- Well, that's because I'm a glutton.
- Were you with Fred tonight?
- Yeah.
- I think he's a terrible father.
He never talks to the kids
or plays with 'em.
The kids are grown up.
Nineteen isn't grown.
I don't like Fred anymore.
- Well, why don't you like Fred anymore?
- Because...
he cheats on his wife.
[Cutlery Clinks]
- Now, who told you that?
- Louise.
Oh, Louise.
- Oh.
- Fred talks in his sleep.
He comes home at night,
and he just stares at her. Doesn't say a word.
They have a drink. Silence.
- They eat, they say nothing.
- Salt and pepper, please.
They get into bed
and they say nothing.
And I forgot,
he just barely looks at the kids...
and Louise says
that it's because of that.
Because of what?
Well, she reads,
and he just rolls over and goes to sleep...
and talks to all these different girls.
And Louise says that they have to be
in compromising positions.
[Laughing]
Good old Freddie.
[Chuckling]
He says things like
- Like "Roll over."
- [Chuckling]
"Let's try that again." Yeah.
Things like that.
Things like that, huh?
And do you know what he did with
Do you know what he did with Darlene?
Darlene? Who the hell's Darlene?
The girl in his dream.
Oh.
Well, what did he do with Darlene?
Huh?
[Chuckles]
You ain't gonna tell me?
[Chuckles]
He kiss He kisses her.
[Chuckling]
You know.
Oh.
You mean... he goes
[Chuckling]
You You mean he goes
[Wheezing Laugh]
- Bad!
- [Laughing]
- Is that what you mean?
- No.
- No.
- [Laughing]
- I Yes, but
- [Laughing]
He says for her to do it to him.
- That's funny.
- When he gets
- Well
- Well, that's what he said.
Yeah, well, you know,
Freddie's getting on in years.
And a man Freddie's age
You're Fred's age!
Yeah, but sexual nightmares
are not one of my problems.
Besides, what the hell has that got to do
with Fred being a good father?
Huh?
[Laughing]
Well, I
I'm sorry I talk too much.
Well, you know, Fred puts up
with his kids'asinine friends.
- You know that?
- I
His kids wanna drink,
he lets 'em drink.
They want to smoke,
he lets them smoke.
He Well, he sends
the sons of bitches to college.
They each have
their own cars, you know.
And he gives them 50 bucks a week
spending money.
Can you imagine that?
And his daughter is beautiful.
His son is a big 6-foot-3 hunk of man...
and the girls think he's cute.
And he's got Simon,
a one-year-old baby.
I wish I was that kind of a father.
Well, we weren't discussing
that part of it anyway.
I'm talking about it
from a woman's point of view.
Ohh.
A woman's "taf" you point of
[Laughs]
[Laughing]
A woman's point of view. Oh, God.
I can't go to the goddamn movie
with you.
Jesus Christ Almighty.
Oh, boy.
[Chuckling]
I can I can see it all now.
[Laughing]
Boy. You know,
one of these days...
you girls are gonna go, "Charge!"
And you know somethin' funny?
We'll all surrender,
and you can have everything.
You can have the house
and the cars and the office...
and the bills
and the headaches...
and we'll sit home and laugh!
That's what we're gonna do.
All we ask for is peace.
To give us our daily beating and three
square meals a day and bread and water...
and we'll just sit staring at the sun...
going blind, okay?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Do we emasculate you?
Poor little boy losing his virility.
Well, I don't have it anymore!
- What happened to it, huh?
- I just don't appeal to you.
Oh, you appeal to me all right.
When I come home,
you appeal to me.
- When I'm at the office, you appeal to me.
- I am not a sex machine!
- No, you want to go to the movies!
- Because I'm bored.
That's how you get your jollies!
- Don't be crude!
- Crude, schmude. I'm crude!
- The minute you get home,
you wanna jump into bed.
- That's the general idea.
[Both Laughing]
Why did Why did the man throw
throw the clock out the window? Huh?
He wanted to see time fly.
What does Dracula do
every night at midnight?
He takes a coffin break!
What What is it
that's blue and whistles...
and hangs in a delicatessen?
Aren't you gonna say
say, "But a herring doesn't whistle"?
Huh? Aren't you gonna say,
"But a herring isn't blue"?
You're not gonna say that?
How can I get to the joke?
[Both Laughing]
What is
What is it...
that weighs 5,000 pounds
and has got a stick through it?
A "hippo-popsicle."
What What What is it
that's black and white and red all over?
- A newspaper.
- No. A zebra's ass.
You don't think
I'm very funny, do ya, huh?
Of course I think you're funny.
Well, I could
I could be funnier, you know.
- I really could.
- Maybe you're...
- If I tried a little harder.
- Not all that funny.
Good night.
Good night.
- Dickie, I'm sorry.
- I want a divorce.
[Laughing]
[Laughing]
- Did you hear what I said?
- Oh, Dickie.
I want a divorce.
That's the only thing to do, isn't it?
Well, why don't you laugh?
It's funny.
Well, what's your answer?
Answer me!
Hello, Jeannie?
Hold on a minute.
I'll send for my clothes in the morning.
I'm not coming back.
I'm on the phone.
This is Richard Forst. Hi.
I'd like to see you tonight.
Well, it's very important.
Well, how busy are you?
Well, I could meet you
at the Losers Club.
Twenty, 30 minutes.
Take as long as you like.
Fine.
I'll see you later.
[Applause]
[Woman]
# Wars have come and wars have gone #
#History, it goes on and on #
#Ever since this world began #
#Love not war has conquered man #
[Man]
# Caesar tried to gain control #
#Through his wealth
and through his gold #
[Woman]
#Yeah, then Cleo played her hand #
#And love conquered
just as planned #
[Man]
# Henry Windsor went to eight #
[Woman]
# He knew how to celebrate #
# But when he reached for nine and 10 #
# Love not war
then conquered him #
# Give up
You're through #
- # You'll never get away from it #
- [Chattering]
# Why try
I'm telling you #
# This lovin'stuff is here with us
till the day we die #
[Man]
#Stonewall Jackson played it rough #
[Woman]
#Love to him was kiddie stuff #
[Man]
# Yeah, but Stoney swore that he'd never fall #
[Woman]
#But love cracked that old Stonewall #
[Together]
# Give up, you're through #
# You'll never get away from it #
# Why try
I'm telling you #
# This lovin'stuff is here with us
till the day we die #
# We're #
# Talking to you, friends #
#Love's goin'to get you #
#In the end #
[Woman]
#It's all part of nature's plan #
[Together]
#Love will always conquer man #
#Love will always conquer man #
#Love ##
[Siren Wailing In Distance]
[Man] If you think I look like silly
in this outfit, you oughta see me in a bathing suit.
- I look like a pair of pliers with a Band-Aid on.
- [Laughter]
I'm in I'm in such bad shape.
[Clears Throat]
- I really am.
- [Laughter]
[Clears Throat]
I got a frog in my throat.
First meat that's passed
that way in an hour.
- [No Audible Dialogue]
- [Applause]
I just wanted you to see my suit.
SeersuckerSears made it,
and you're lookin'at the sucker that bought it.
[Laughter]
On top of that, I'm so flat-footed,
when I get out of the bathtub...
somebody has to rock me back and forth
to break the suction.
[Laughter]
But, uh...
the postman came
with a letter and, uh...
told me that the Great Society
was having a war on poverty.
So, uh, I told him if that was true,
I wanted to be the first to surrender.
- [Laughter]
- [Applause]
[Laughter]
There once was a girl from
[Indistinct]...
who played the violin.
Uh Uh, she tucked it
under her chin.
She plucked at her strings
[Woman]
Like angel wings.
[Man] She plucked at her strings,
among numerous things...
and tucked it under her chin.
[Both Laughing]
- Well, Mr. McCarthy.
- Jim.
[Mimicking Irish Accent]
Jamie McCarthy.
- [Chuckling] Jamie.
- Oh, that's a fine name. Fine.
- My mother used to call meJamie.
- Did she now?
- Say, how would you like to call me Mother?
- Come on, will ya?
I'm old enough
to be your father.
Listen. Listen.
- In that case, I'd like some fatherly advice.
- All right.
- I have a terrible problem.
- What's your problem, daughter?
- Well, this, uh this fellow, a friend
- Mm-hmm.
[Continues Irish Accent]
An Irish friend.
He just called me from the bar...
and he's in terrible trouble
and wants me to come rescue him.
- What do you think of that?
- What do you think of it?
Well, I'm asking for your advice.
You're the wise one.
Be a hero. Tell me.
Come on.
- Hey, Jackson.
- Yo.
- [Laughing]
- Hey, Jackson.
Remember the time
we went to New Orleans on a bet?
Yes, sir, I do.
We stayed up all night
screaming at the top of our lungs.
We had a
We had a
My nose itches.
- We had a
- Going to kiss a fool?
Yeah, I know.
We had a couple bimbos.
No, actually, they were very nice girls.
- They reminded me a lot of you two.
- Oh.
But they knew more dirty limericks
than you could shake a stick at.
- How nice.
- Well, I knew a guy who used to make
them up and sell them.
Really? He must have been
an ex-convict.
- That's right. Don't look so wide-eyed.
- I'm not wide-eyed.
Do you realize that ex-convicts and jailbirds
are the ones that write all the limericks?
- Not all of them.
- Oh, don't argue with Mr. McCarthy, miss.
Jimmy Arno He wrote a couple
that were really funny. Didn't he, Jeannie?
- That's right. He did.
- Jimmy Arno?
- Mm-hmm.
- Jimmy Arno? Not the Jimmy Arno.
- Do you know him?
- Never heard of him.
[All Laughing]
Aw, come on, now.
What the hell do we care
about two whores?
- [Jeannie] You better watch
- Wait a minute!
- Two whores!
- [Jeannie] I don't want you around!
Come on. Come on.
- You don't want us around?
- That's right.
[Laughing]
Look who's saying she doesn't want us around!
- You're coming on awfully strong.
- Just who in the hell are you, huh?
Just who in the hell are you?
Wait a minute. Take it easy.
What's the matter with you?
Why be so violent?
Take it easy. Just relax.
Wait a minute, Jeannie. Wait, Jeannie.
[Knocks]
I'm sorry.
Can I have a cigarette?
Let me close this door.
All right.
I won't close the door.
Ah, boy, what a life!
Ah, what's the matter, Jeannie?
Don't you like me?
Hmm?
Why not? Come on.
I can take criticism.
Hmm?
What's the matter with me?
You don't want me to be crude?
All right, I won't be crude.
Jeannie Jeannie, I'm a nice guy.
Would you think that
I weigh 190 pounds? Huh?
You're married.
Oh, Jeannie, am I married.
Yeah, I'm married.
I got a son almost as old as you.
He thinks he's a grown man.
He goes to college.
I wanted him to go to one of those
Midwestern schools and play football...
but his mother said, "No. No football."
So he said, "All right. What the hell.
Okay, no football."
So instead he goes to Dartmouth.
Goes out for tennis instead.
All day long he walks around in tennis shoes.
What kind of a thing is that
for a grown boy to walk around
in tennis shoes all day long?
What the hell. He's my son. Even if
he wants to nance around, I say, "So what?"
Everybody's gotta lead
their own life, right?
So, he goes out
for swimming and track...
and wears tennis shoes.
Jeannie, do you know what it is
to be a promo man in a firm like mine, huh?
I'll tell ya.
You meet more millionaires
and more presidents...
than you dream could exist.
And that seems like
a big thing to you, huh?
So, what have I got
after all those years?
A big house, a kooky wife
and a kid who wears sneakers.
[Laughter]
[Chattering]
Hey, Jeannie baby!
Hey. You're all right, Jeannie baby!
- [Laughing]
- Whoo!
Hey. Turn out these lights, will ya?
Looks like an office in here.
How do you expect to make out
with all these lights on?
What do you say, slick?
[Laughing]
[All Shouting]
## [Vocalizing]
Hey. You know what?
You've got quite a tummy.
You've got
Hasn't he got a Huh?
Hey. How about a little kiss
for my buddy?
How about a Ooh!
[Jeannie]
Have a good time. Stella, lock up when you go.
Wait a minute.
Where you goin'? Hold on!
- Leave me alone.
- Will you leave her alone!
Just get out of here!
Now, what are you makin' a scene for? Huh?
- Come on. Give me a break.
- Give you a break?
Why? You think you deserve a break?
- Look, I met this guy.
- You met this guy. So?
- [Stella] Leave her alone.
- Ah, shut up! Will you sit down!
So you met this guy.
Go ahead. So you met this guy.
What about him? You in love with this guy?
You hate this guy?
- You went to college with this guy?
- No.
Come on.
Don't do this. Don't.
All right. Come on, will ya?
Cut it out.
You son of a bitch!
[Jackson]
There's this joke about the Siamese twins.
What?
Have you ever heard that
that old belly-twister, uh...
about the Siamese twins?
- No.
- [Chuckles]
One is named June
and the otherJuly.
- Is that a real one?
- Oh, no, no, no.
Let me light that for you.
Thank you.
Oh, boy, women.
If I live to be a million,
I'll never understand 'em.
Crazy broads.
Aw, shoot, now.
Come on over here, huh?
[Laughing]
Come on. Will ya?
Come on.
Come on, you son of a gun.
Come on, now. Come on.
Come on.
Ooh, you.
Come on!
[Laughing]
You know you're nuts?
- You know that, don't you?
- [Doorbell Rings]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Don't go away.
Come on in.
Join the party.
There's been a lot of controversy
over you tonight.
- Oh, no, there hasn't been any controversy.
- Sure there has.
- You're the one in the bar, right?
- That's right.
- Been waitin' a couple of hours?
- That's right.
- Well, take your coat off. Relax, join the party.
- Hey, stop that.
Okay. Come on. Sit down.
We'll just have a couple drinks, then we'll
get out of here. You don't mind, do ya?
- What's your name, by the way?
- Richard.
[Jim] Well, Richard, Richard.
That-a-boy. That's a nice name Richard.
Isn't that a nice name, Jackson?
Hey, Richard. Richard. Richard!
I'm talkin' to you, boy.
Come on. Pay attention. Let's go.
I'm Jim, that's Joe and, uh,
Stella I suppose you know.
[Jackson]
Hey, what do you do, Richard?
I'm a businessman.
- Insurance, huh?
- That's right.
[Chuckles]
At least he's not a fag, huh, Jeannie?
- Well, maybe I am.
- [Laughing]
The boy Richard is all right.
Your friend Richard
[Jackson]
He's got spirit, hasn't he, Jim?
Listen, now that we're through with basic training,
can we knock off the grade school theatrics?
- Jeannie
- # I used to work in Chicago
in a department store #
#I used to work in Chicago
I do but I don't anymore #
#A lady came in, she asked for a whoop
What kind of whoop said I #
#Whoop she said, whoop I said
I did but I don't anymore ##
[Laughing]
Richard, you don't know
a goddamn thing about women, do ya?
You know that women are basically
all whores? Did you know that?
Ooh!
I'm sorry.
[Jim]
Excuse me, Jeannie.
- You're married, right?
Wouldn't you say he's married, Jackson?
- Oh, yeah. He's married.
- Very much so.
- Forty-eight, unhappy as hell.
Uh-huh. Separated, out for a good time.
Out for a good time!
Lookin'for a little
momentary relationship.
Who the hell are you guys?
Oh, didn't we tell ya, Richard?
We're the police.
- Oh, yeah, we're the vice squad.
- Vice squad!
[Stella]
They're not. They'rejust kidding.
So, look, you run along home, sonny boy,
and play with your own.
[Stella] Joe is JoeJackson.
Jim is Jim McCarthy.
He's vice president of Metal
[Jackson]
Industries of the Pacific West Coast...
and affiliate companies.
- Jackson's supposed to mix the drinks, right?
- Right.
- Jackson, get me a double-double scotch.
- Straight?
- No soda and no ice.
- No soda, no ice.
Neat, clean,
straight down the line, huh?
Dickie, why don't you go?
What do I do now?
Take my coat off?
What you want me to do?
Take my coat off? All right.
- All right. Step outside.
- No.
- What do you mean, "no"?
- If you think I'm gonna fight in the dark,
you're crazy.
- We can't fight in Miss Rapp's house.
- Why not?
Why not? Look, McCarthy, why don't you
just get out? Nobody wants you around.
- Oh, nobody wants me around, huh?
- Right.
A little while ago, you almost fainted
when I offered you 200 bucks.
- Oh!
- Two hundred bucks. Who needs ya!
You're not even pretty!
- I hope he knocks you on your fat prat!
- Take it easy.
- You wanna fight or not?
- You wanna go through with it?
What are you, yellow?
Oh, now you did it!
Now you did it!
Now your head's gonna
leave your body.
- Hey, do you need any help, boss?
- No!
No! No, I don't need any help!
No!
[Grunting, Yelling]
[Jim]
Ooh, you wanna fight dirty, eh?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- I'll kill him. Oh, my knee!
My knee. I'll kill ya.
Ooh, my knee, my knee!
- You shouldn't have done it so long.
- I'll kill him!
- All right. Come on.
- Get out of my way!
Come on. Will you go on?
Come on, boy.
I'll kill him. Oh, my knee, my knee.
Take it easy, will ya?
Ow! God! I'll kill that bum.
I'll take him apart
and put him together again!
Yes, sir. Look, just a minute.
For crying out loud, I know you'll kill him.
- What's the matter with you?
I've taken guys twice his size.
- I'll bet you have.
I had a 300-pound wrestler,
gave me some gaff.
I picked him up over my head, threw him
to the ground. I broke his collarbone!
You son of a gun. You
- You don't believe me, huh?
- Oh, sure I do.
- How did we get into this?
- How did we get into it?
How the hell do we get out of it?
You son of a
Ah, shoot.
You look fine.
Now, take it easy, will ya?
Okay. But one word
out of him, and I'll
You son of a gun!
All right.
Come on. Let's go.
I said, "I used to do
a little bit of, uh
a little bit of fighting."
I understand you're a pretty big
businessman. Is that right, Jim?
Yeah, that's right.
Stella tells me you're
in advertising and promotion.
Yeah, that's my title.
They think I'm worth $150,000 a year
plus expenses for it.
Ah. Who's your biggest account?
He doesn't believe me.
- Hey, look. Here's a card.
- I'm not interested.
- No, he's not interested in that.
- You buy, uh, brass and aluminum?
Yep.
I buy brass and aluminum.
- Is that right?
- That's right. Case closed.
Hey. Hey, now.
Look, you son of a gun.
You told me in the kitchen.
- Okay.
- [Jackson Laughing]
[Jim]
Hey, uh, you ever hear the one about the, uh...
fag motorcycle driver?
Yeah, I heard that.
Well, how about
the one about the, uh
the littleJewish agent who
"Not necessarily."
I heard that one too.
Hey, why don't you tell him
about that one about "probably"
Oh, come on.
You gave the punch line away.
I heard that one.
- How about the goose one?
- The goose one?
Yeah. The goose that goes down the subway
and gets peopled to death.
The goose that goes down the subway
and gets peopled to death.
[Jim]
Oh, you're too much. Oh, boy!
Hey, did you hear the one about the, uh
the littleJewish carpenter who was so mean
Once a schmuck,
always a schmuck.
That's not the ending I heard.
That joke's old enough
to have a beard.
You're really uncanny.
Oh, boy.
Hey, you said you were in business.
What kind Uh, uh
- He said he was in insurance business.
- Well, I'm in finance. That's a form of insurance.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
- What do you do there?
- I'm chairman of the board.
- We have one corporation.
- Yeah? What's the firm?
- Investment Finance.
- [Whistles] That's a pretty big outfit.
- Yeah.
- Hey, uh, do you know Stewie Ray?
- [Jackson] He's not kidding.
- I'm not making it up. Stewie Ray.
- Works for me.
- No kidding? Really?
- Yeah.
- He's a nice guy. Hell of a nice guy.
- You do business with him?
- Ah, we talk once in a while.
A firm like mine has to have
a good credit rate. We talk.
- That's very good.
- Yeah.
Enough of business already.
I'm getting hungry.
You been to Chicago, Dick?
- Not often.
- There he goes. He's
He's uncanny with this phraseology,
you know that?
No wonder you're chairman of the board.
Jeannie, you know what chairman of the board is?
He's the man. He's a killer.
Boy, he's got all the weight.
Did you ever tellJean
about the board of director's meeting?
I was just about to,
but I didn't get the chance somehow.
[All Laughing]
There he goes with that
uncanny phraseology of his again.
Boy, I'll bet you're a real murderer
behind that big desk of yours.
Well, I don't have a big desk.
You know, you're all right.
You're all right. You know
I've been a
I've been a road man all my life.
I've been in every toilet in 50 states.
I sort of prefer it that way.
Hey, do you know the
[All Laughing]
[Jim] Hey, you know what? Before
they had planes, they had they had trains.
Now they got these planes that fly [Pop]
Like that.
Four and a half hours from, uh
from New York to Los Angeles.
Four and a half hours.
You believe that?
- I don't wanna talk about business.
- Huh?
I don't wanna either.
I'd rather play a game of billiards.
Do you play billiards?
I can tell by your expression you don't.
I'll bet you're a golf man, right?
- Tennis.
- Tennis. My kid plays tennis too.
Is that right? Tennis?
No kidding.
I got a friend of mine who bought
Don Budge's house.
I know those guys.
You know, Segura, Kramer, uh, uh, Gonzales.
I only play for myself.
[Jim] Sure. Go down,
play a few sets, work off the gut.
Keep your mind
uh, body up with your mind.
I got a kid who plays too.
He's a hell of a nice kid. Smart as a whip too.
- Nothing like his old man.
- Why you S.O.B.
- You're right. I am an S.O.B.
- You are.
Oh, boy. This kid's fantastic.
He runs! He runs!
And he runs for hours and hours.
Summer, winter, snowing, rain.
He doesn't care.
He swims in any kind of weather.
Oh, boy. I'm tellin' ya,
I don't know where these kids get the energy.
You ever see these Ivy League kids?
They all look alike skinny shoulders, sneakers.
I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
Oh, I don't know either.
- Hey. Hey.
- What?
I I think that Dickie...
would like to be alone
with the young lady.
Oh, sure. Who wouldn't?
I would too. You kidding?
A couple of visiting firemen come in,
cramp your style, step all over your feet, huh?
Listen, McCarthy, if you don't get out ofhere,
I'm gonna call the vice squad.
- Hey, remember. We're the vice squad!
- You're the vice squad!
Okay. Hey, Stella, why don't you give that girl
What's her name?
- Marta.
- Why don't you give her a call, sweetheart?
Then we can get out of here. Okay?
Gee, Dick, how did we get
into this situation anyway?
I'm sorry.
It's ridiculous, isn't it?
Why don't I give you a call Monday?
Maybe we can have lunch
or, uh, maybe just talk on the phone?
- That's a very good idea.
- Good. Okay. Stewie Ray.
Ahh. Oh, boy.
Ah, Stewie Ray.
Hey, come on.
- Oh, Jeannie, I'll call you
the next time I get in town.
- Yes, yes. You do that.
Come on, Stella. Let's go.
Shake it up!
- It's been a real pleasure.
- Nice meeting you.
- Richard, old boy.
- Jim.
- Nice meeting you.
- Right.
- Sorry about what happened.
- Well, that's the way it goes.
- Night.
- Joey.
[Jackson]
It's really been a pleasure.
- You're gonna get a raise, Joey.
- [Laughs] I hope so.
[Jim]
Stella, step it up, will ya? Let's go. Come on.
I'm glad she's not too tired.
I gotta get my coat. Wait.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
- Wait till I get
- [Stella] It's cold outside.
- Come on.
- [Stella] Good night, Jeannie.
[Jeannie]
Thanks. See you later.
Good night again.
Good night, Miss Rapp.
[Jim]
Dickie, Stewie Ray, huh?
Stewie Ray!
[Laughs]
- I thought they'd never leave.
- [Chuckling]
"Stewie Ray."
- "You're a golf man, right, Richard?"
- Tennis.
I never laughed so hard.
I was pretty good, wasn't I?
- My hero.
- Hi, ho, Silver!
Shh!
White horse hero.
You get it?
Yeah, I get it.
Ah, Dickie, Dickie, Dickie.
I like you, you know.
I really do like ya.
- Well, don't get serious.
- I'm not.
- Well, don't.
- I wasn't.
Definition of"seriousness":
Noun. Grave or solemn
of disposition.
Yeah, well, I wasn't getting serious.
I'm your friend.
- Well, you know how I feel about friendship.
- No. How do you feel?
Definition of"friendship":
Noun. One who's
attached to another...
because of their personal regard.
Companion, a comrade, a chum...
and someone who
doesn't get serious.
- Friends never get serious?
- Never.
- Can a friend ask a question?
- No. And shut up.
Let's do Peter Piper
picked a pickle peck a
- Ah, Dickie, I'm exhausted.
- You can't be exhausted.
Peter Piper
picked a peck of"peckled"
- Peter Piper picked a peck of
- Hey, Dickie, why did you want to see me?
I wanted to play with you.
All right. Then what?
Oh, we'd play,
have a few laughs...
see what developed.
- I like you.
- You like me.
- I like you.
- All right, you like me.
- That's right. I like you.
- Oh, Dickie, what's the matter?
You think I'm one of
those gross businessmen?
You think I have a secretary that picks up
the phone and gets me whatever I want?
Jeannie, I buried eight relatives in the past
six years. There's nobody left but me.
I'm just a mild success in a dull profession,
and I wanna start over again.
And I've got a bad kidney!
[Forst Chuckling]
So?
Come on and take a bath.
I don't want a bath!
No bath?
No bath?
No bath.
People drown in bathtubs.
No hard feelings?
You're aces high with me, Charlie.
#I dream ofJeannie #
# With the light brown hair #
#Borne like a vapor on the summer air #
##[Humming]
##[Stops]
You know, you're a very strange man.
- Well, you want me to leave, I'll leave.
- But not sensitive.
And another thing
You don't make me insecure.
- That's not one of my problems.
- Good.
All righty.
Now.
[Sighs]
Okay, give me a foot.
- [Grunts]
- Those are new socks.
Yeah? Good.
- New socks make me insecure.
- [Chuckling]
Clothes make the man.
- What does that do?
- Makes your feet smell good.
Oh, that's fine.
Then I'm gonna dry them off,
I'm gonna powder them down...
and then I'm gonna
rub 'em till warm.
# Oh, dem bones, dem bones
Dey walk all over #
- # Dem bones, dem bones, dey walk all over #
- # Dry bones #
- # Dem bones, dem bones, dey walk all over #
- # Dry bones #
# Now hear the word of the Lord #
- # Dem bones, dem bones #
- # Now the backbone #
- #They walk all over #
- # Dem bones, dem bones gonna walk around ##
- I trust you.
- What?
I said I said I trust you.
Good.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
[Laughing]
Oh, Freddie.
[Laughing]
Jeannie. Hey, Jeannie.
Jeannie, you wanna hear
a secret, huh?
Oh, Jeannie, I don't give a damn
about racial, religious...
moral, economical, political problems.
- That makes two of us.
- Eating meat disturbs me.
Right. Can you imagine raising
poor little chickens, steers and lambs...
to fill our tummies?
- Now, there's a problem and nobody cares.
- Right.
- Right? Huh? Right.
- Right.
- They take all the wool off the lamb,
and then we eat it.
- Oh, Dickie.
What is all this holier-than-thou crap
that they hand us?
You know what I think?
I think we were all created evil!
Then some some wise guy
some, uh a left-winger or a
a union organizer comes along
and tells us that we all were created good.
We were all created in his image.
Right?
Wrong.
[Slaps Forst's Knee]
Hey, Jeannie.
Jeannie, come here.
Now I'm gonna tell you something.
This is serious.
You're such a lovely girl, Jeannie...
but you talk too much.
I talk too much?
Didn't anybody ever tell you that?
You talk too much.
- I?
- Now turn out the lights.
I'm spending the night.
You're a son of a bitch.
Do you know that?
Why am I a son of a bitch?
Because you get to me.
And anybody that gets to me
You kill me.
Let's have some music.
## [Melancholy Piano]
##[Piano And Violin]
##[Rock]
[No Audible Dialogue]
##[Continues]
[Man]
Ow!
#I said everybody #
# Throw up your hands now #
##[Continues, Indistinct]
[No Audible Dialogue]
# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
#I heard of skate-a-ling #
#Skate-a-ling #
#Skate-a-ling
Skate-a-ling #
#Skate-a-ling
Skate-a-ling #
#Skate-a-ling
Skate-a-ling #
#Skate-a-ling #
[Screams]
Ow!
#I said everybody #
# Throw up your hands now #
##[Continues, Indistinct]
[No Audible Dialogue]
# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ##
[Chuckling]
- [Chattering]
- Here we are.
## [Woman Singing, Indistinct]
Come on.
Well, come on.
Here's the living room.
[Laughing]
Come on.
## [Woman Humming]
Ooh! Oh!
[Record Scratching]
## [Blues]
Oh, oh, Chet.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
#You know, life's so funny, baby #
# Don't even know where I'm gonna run #
#You know, life's so funny, baby #
# Don't even know where I'm gonna run #
#You're still such a little darlin' #
- # Expect so much ##
- ## [Record Stops]
Leave her alone now,
and stop it!
- Come and sit down.
- Hey.
Let's just sit down!
It's a nice place you got here.
Thank you.
It's 27 years old.
- Twenty-seven years old?
- Oh, come on, Chettie.
Let's do some more
twistin' and groovin'.
- Florence, the party's over.
- Come on, Florence.
Oh, no.
The party's just beginning.
- Right, Chettie?
- Uh, yeah, right.
'Cause I'm mixing the drinkies.
Ladies, declare!
- Gin and tonic.
- Scotch and soda.
Two glasses comin' up. Oh!
[Chuckles, Sighs]
Look, I got these records.
Can we have some music, please?
Can we have some music or something,
or are we just gonna sit here?
Where are you from, Chet?
Detroit.
Do you like Los Angeles?
Do you?
Well, I like the climate.
I do too.
Well! Well, wasn't that
some place tonight, huh?
And those dances.
The, uh the watusi and the frug.
- [Chet] Oh, yeah.
- And the dog and the jerk.
- And the
- Did you like it?
With all those young boys?
Of course I liked it.
[Chet]
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Of course I liked it.
I did notice that you handled yourself
very well at the a-go-go.
Oh! Well, thank you.
You're definitely an individual type.
I mean, you don't seem to succumb
to the atmosphere.
Who was the, uh
the little blonde girl...
with the, uh with the big blue eyes
and the big bazoom?
And did you notice the one
in the black tights with the boots?
[Woman]
You have to have the figure for those tights.
- I have never had complaints, Louise.
- Billie-May, I didn't say anything like that.
You
Come on, now, you guys.
I mean, like, you got nothin' to worry about.
Really. Believe me.
None of ya.
Believe me, will ya?
You people are
too much, man. Look
- Are you kiddin'?
- Well, out of that whole room
full of pretty, young chicks...
what made you come over
to our table?
Oh, Billie-May, you know why?
Because there was something wrong with ya.
You guys were all
sitting there like a bunch of
like you were gonna
break into tears any minute.
Now, if I see someone
trying to join in...
and not knowing how...
I find my selfknow-how...
and always make it a point
to know how with anybody...
and I say, "Go on over, man."
Kind of like, uh, Jesus said.
You know.
#Jesus said
La, dee, da #
# God is love
Love is dead ##
Kind of like Christ said, you know.
Help thy neighbor, man.
- Is he the one that said that?
- Billie-May...
what difference does it make
who said it?
[Chet]
What difference does it make who said it?
It could have been, uh
It could have been him.
It could have been Gandhi.
It could have been Buddha.
It could have been "spoodah."
It could have been your daddy.
It could have been your mama.
It could have been your uh-uh.
Could have been your huh-huh.
What difference, man?
[Laughs]
Hey, listen, man. It's a very good way
to express yourself.
[Billie-May]
What do you mean?
What?
I said, "What do you mean?"
Well, I said, like, take a guy my age.
I gotta have some kind of a release.
Now, do you wanna
Well, I can't very well
hold up a bank for kicks.
- That's against the law, right?
- [Louise] Right.
- [Florence] Right, Chettie.
- Then everybody agrees with me.
- Christ. So what do you do?
- [Louise] You dance.
- You dance.
- [Billie-May] You dance.
You have a few belts and go up
to some chick's pad and make it, baby.
Make it?
Just make it, baby.
You out-and-out lay down and
And I
Or you can sit around,
have a drag and, uh...
think about what's wrong
and all, you know?
Oh, I know what you mean.
- I think you do.
- [Billie-May] Oh, sure she does.
Sure she does.
- [Billie-May] Well!
- Well!
Aaah!
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Florence]
Yeah, boy.
[Billie-May]
Well, Louise, Maria, Florence, there it is.
This is it.
The, uh, new generation.
The one our husbands
[Chet Laughing]
That's fun
[Laughing]
That's funny as hell.
Billie-May, how'd you happen to get
on the subject of our husbands again?
Well Oh
Because they're scared.
They're scared men. I mean
Well, they're
They're They're scared of you.
They're... scared of you. They're, uh
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
They are scared of your youth...
and your, uh...
spirit...
and your build.
They think that
they are the kings of the earth...
and they do not want
you takin' their place, see?
Well, I don't want it.
I mean, not
Well, I just don't want the hang-up.
Chettie!
You're a damn good-looking kid
for only 23.
- Florence.
- Let's dance.
# Florence from Torrance
She's got the "inshorance" #
# Florence from Torrance
The men all want Florence #
#The happiest chick
that I ever did see #
# Until I met a girl
named Billie-May #
# Come on, Billie-May
I want it your way #
# Come on, Billie-May
Make it any day #
# Come on, Billie-May
I wanna do the thing #
#Do the little bell, babe
Turn me on like hell, babe #
# Come on, Billie-May
Hit the ray, you and me, Billie-May #
# Come on, now
You will see everything for you and me #
# We will do all the things
that we did before, my dear #
[Laughing]
# Florence from Torrance #
# The hotheaded Florence
Just what they can't see #
#The girl named Florence
is groovy, you see #
# But all they want to do
is spend her money #
# 'Cause she's got the "inshorance"
The girl from Torrance, Florence #
#Send all her allowance
Florence from Torrance ##
- No.
- Come on.
- No.
- Come on. It's easy.
- No. No, Chet. I don't wanna.
- Right shoe.
Right shoe. Yeah, baby.
Put it right there.
- No.
- Come on.
#Put on the red meat, baby
I want the red meat, baby #
#I like the rare meat, baby #
#Don't want no seasonin', baby
No taters or no onions #
#All I wanna do is "tonion"#
- Come on. That's it.
- [Laughs]
- Where are you go Come here.
- No.
Right here, baby. It's easy.
#I need your red meat, baby #
#It grooves me like
your white meat, baby #
#Put it in the oven
Want it big and round #
#Put it in the oven
Eat it off the ground #
# Come on and do
the slip and slide #
- #I ain't had no goodies
since your granny died #
- [Laughter]
#Put on the red meat, baby #
#Don't want no taters or onions #
#I just want a "tonion"
Come on and put on the red, baby ##
[Laughs]
Come on.
# I like the red meat, baby #
Oh, I I think we're makin'
fools of ourselves.
- What?
- Yeah.
I'm making a fool of myself?
Well, we are. Yeah.
- Well, who are you to criticize me?
- I'm not criticizing. I'm just saying
You don't have to tell me
I'm making a fool of myself.
Look, I know how to dance my way.
I don't need you
to tell me about it.
I come from a musical background.
- I take care of a family of five.
- Okay. Okay.
I have a college degree, and I don't need you
to tell me I'm making a fool of myself.
- Hey. Wait a minute I'm sorr
- Don't touch me!
Chettie, you criticized her, honey.
Criticize me.
At my age I'm willing
to learn, honey. Please.
Okay, you wanna cool it
just for a moment?
[Florence]
#Hotheaded Florence, she's from Torrance #
#The "inshorance" for Chettie-boy #
# Oh, Billie-May
She makes love in the hay #
#Hotheaded Florence #
#She's from Torrance
with all the "inshorance"#
# Hotheaded Florence
Zoom, zoom, da-ditty #
# Oh, Maria
You can't see Maria #
# Oh, you can't talk to Maria
Oh, Maria ##
[Florence]
#Louise, Louise, Louise, don't pee in the trees #
## [Humming]
Well.
Well, I think that I maintained my dignity
throughout the entire thing.
I mean, hell, it isn't as if
we did anything wrong.
All anybody has to do
is just to look at the four of us
I mean, to know that there was
nothing wrong.
And if old Malcolm
is gonna get upset over a
over a silly thing like that,
then where are we?
But you know Louise.
She is gonna go home and talk about
how vulgar it was...
and how terrible we all behaved and how
she went home the moment it all began.
But I don't Well, if she does,
I'm just gonna tell her she's full of it.
But I don't think she will. Do you?
I mean, not that I give a damn anyway.
You know, this is gonna put her
back on the couch...
for another 25 years.
I'll tell you something else funny, honey.
I love Malcolm.
Yes, I am in love with my husband.
How about that?
I think he's nice.
Don't you?
You know my Louie.
So short.
Those awful glasses.
And he can't carry a tune,
much less dance.
What's the matter?
Are you tired?
Oh, come on. Don't be tired.
The evening's young, you know.
You know, these dances
these wild, crazy dances
I think they've succeeded
where science failed.
'Cause, you know, I can go to a beauty parlor
and sit there for hours...
having my hair done
and my nails polished, but...
I don't feel any younger.
I might look it.
But these dances
these wild, crazy dances
they do something to me inside.
[Chuckling]
Well, to hell with Louie.
Because do you know
one of these days I'm gonna croak?
And I'm gonna flop down on the ground,
and some goddamn preacher's...
gonna preach a goddamn sermon
over my goddamn body!
Oh, Chettie,
Chettie, Chettie.
Ohhh! Oh, Chettie.
Let's put on another record
and dance some more, shall we?
Shall we?
## [Humming Waltz]
[Florence Chuckling]
Oh. Oh, Chettie.
I'm so exhausted.
Oh! I'm I'm so exhausted.
- I'm
- Oh. Wait.
[Chet Growling Playfully]
[Laughing]
Oh, Chettie!
- ## [Humming Waltz]
- Oh, Chettie. Chettie.
Oh, Chettie, you know,
I just love to dance, don't you?
I love ya, Flo.
I just love ya.
Oh, you know, I could
I could just dance
dance all night with you.
- Oh. You know it?
- I know you could.
[Sighs]
## [Chet Humming]
[Florence Chuckles]
## [Humming Continues]
[Chuckles]
Oh, that's so wonderful.
You're wonderful.
Chettie...
would you kiss me?
Florence. Florence.
Mmm.
Chettie...
will you drive me home?
Sure.
Sure. I'll drive you home.
Chettie! Chettie!
You said you'd drive me home.
I will. I will.
Maria, he is driving me home.
- Florence, you haven't got a car.
- Let me have your car.
- I will drive you home.
- I will return it tomorrow.
All right.
Let me get the keys.
I'll drive.
[Screams, Laughs]
[Laughing]
[Laughing]
[Mumbling]
You son of a
- [Maria Yelps] No, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes.
[No Audible Dialogue]
Let me change.
Okay.
# If I find my love
will I be a louse #
#Who cares, man
I'm gonna do it anyway #
#Just the way
I got to do it today #
# Turn around
and we'll all play #
#Pull down the spread
Pull down the covers #
# Gonna get in
and have another's #
#Lovers'little bed
and gonna have fun #
# Undress, baby
and we'll be one #
#Take down your pants
Take down your drawers #
# Gonna show your daddy
what his balls are for #
[Mumbles]
# Come on, honey
Take off my socks ##
[Chuckles Nervously]
It's the lights.
I don't like lights.
Aaah!
[Laughing]
[Jeannie Speaks, Indistinct]
Yeah, well, I'm all wet.
[Laughing]
You know you have
a beautiful body?
Yeah, well
I I've been told that, yes.
[Laughing]
[Moaning]
I have been seduced.
[Chuckling]
- Is it a nice feeling?
- I am not tired, if that's what you mean.
Eat your eggs.
What does that mean?
It means that your eggs are hot,
and they're gonna get cold.
You're a lousy cook.
Thank you. I love to cook. My mom always
told me, "You wanna eat, cook.
"Otherwise you'll be skinny.
And skinny people are not like fat people.
Fat people are jolly."
- Right?
- Wrong.
Skinny people are happy...
because they're not fat.
Okay, I'll diet.
You're not fat.
- What?
- You're voluptuous.
What?
I can't hear you, Dickie.
Oh. Dishes.
Well, that's a negative attitude.
- What? Putting on my pants?
- Yeah.
- Well, I just hate getting out of bed. That's all.
- Stop apologizing. I love ya.
- Don't be so bighearted.
- What an answer.
- Well, you make lousy eggs.
- I do?
Yes, and I don't know how
anyone could make lousy eggs.
Look, in my whole life
nobody ever told me I make lousy eggs.
Yeah, but nobody was ever
honest with you before.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- What do you want? Cigarettes?
- Oh, no, I quit.
I don't smoke either.
I never did.
- Well, don't I get any credit for that?
- No.
Did you know I steal in supermarkets?
And I don't like dogs.
- You don't like dogs?
- Hate them. Puppies even.
What do you mean you steal?
- [Raspberry]
- [Laughing]
Oh, you jerk.
Just don't ever say
you know all ofJeannie Rapp's secrets.
- You're wearing false eyelashes.
- So?
You're stupid.
So help me God, you're stupid.
I'm stupid? You can't even say a decent
"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."
All you do is say, "Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled poopers."
Well, that doesn't make any sense.
I dream ofJeannie, Peter Piper...
laughing, dancing,
having a good time.
Does it begin to come back to you?
Oh, you're such a child.
I am not a child.
You're a You're a lousy dancer.
- You oughta take lessons.
- Well, I took dances.
You know, you have a tin ear too.
You can't even carry a tune.
But last night you danced
and you sang and you just let it all go...
and didn't we have a good time?
You liked making love to me, didn't you?
- Yes, I did.
- So, you see, there. That's good, isn't it?
And youyou enjoyed
my company too, didn't you?
I enjoyed your company.
And you said that you trusted me,
didn't you?
Yes, I did.
And you thought Peter Piper
was pretty important last night, didn't you?
- Didn't you?
- Yes, I did.
You see? I'm always right.
[Raspberry]
I listened to your demented
dialogue too, didn't I?
- Yes, you did.
- And I thought you were crazy, didn't I?
But I made love to you,
and I held you in my arms all night.
And if you'd been out in the street last night,
they'd have had you committed. Wouldn't they?
Right?
I suppose so.
You son of a gun.
How come you hate me now?
Jeannie...
do me a favor?
Don't be silly anymore.
Just be yourself.
But I am myself.
Who else would I be?
I'm serious.
Definition of"serious."
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
[Sighs]
Let me get this garbage out of here.
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
# Borne like a vapor
on the summer air #
# I see her tripping
where the light something grows #
# I dream ofJeannie
with the light brown hair #
# Borne like a Ah #
# On the summer air #
# I see her tripping #
#Where the light something grows #
# Happy as a ##
Jeannie.
Jeannie?
[Chuckling]
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Now, if Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled peppers...
where is the peck of
pickled peppers Peter picked?
Peter Piper picked a peck
of pickled peppers.
If Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled peppers...
where's the peck of
pickled peppers Peter picked?
Huh?
[Laughing]
Peter Piper picked a peck
of pickled peppers.
Now, if Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled peppers...
where is the peck of
pickled peppers Peter picked?
- Peter Piper picked a peck
- Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
[Laughing]
Operator, I want
the emergency rescue squad.
My number?
My number is
No way.
Come on.
Come on, now,
drink this, damn it!
Goddamn bitch.
Drink this.
Please walk.
[Chet Panting]
Walk.
Maria, walk, please.
Walk. Come on.
[Chet Panting]
[Toilet Seat Clatters]
[Coughing]
[Maria Whimpers]
Come on, now.
Don't go back out.
[Chet Panting]
No. You gotta stay awake. Please.
I don't want you to die.
Please, lady.
You gotta stay awake.
You gotta stay awake.
- You gotta stay awake.
- [Whimpers]
[Slapping]
[Groans]
Hey. Come on.
Come on.
Come on, now!
Goddamn it!
Now, come on!
[Chet Laughing]
That's it!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ooh, you gonna cry? Oh!
Come on.
Come on.
I didn't want to hit you,
but don't go to sleep on me.
Oh! Come on, now. Cry.
That's it. That's life, honey.
Tears Tears are happiness, man.
Just do it.
Come on, now. Ohh.
[Kisses]
You silly nut.
Do you want some coffee?
Can I trust ya? Huh? Huh?
Okay. Wait a minute.
I don't trust ya anyway. I don't.
- Ah! You little sneaky, you.
- [Pills Rattling]
I'm gonna get you some coffee.
[Panting]
[Grunts]
[Grunts]
[Coughing]
I'm cold.
I like you.
I caused you a lot of pain
and a lot of grief...
and I almost killed ya.
And I prayed, man. Oh, G
I prayed to God.
I said, "God, please, dear God,
don't let anything happen to her...
'cause I love her so much,
and I'll do anything you say, God."
And, man, I don't even
believe in him, you know.
But, I mean, it doesn't matter. I I
We protect ourselves.
So, when you talk ethics
and values and honesty...
and I'm a nice guy
and you're a nice guy...
and and...
this and that, you know,
I mean, it just doesn't matter.
[Sniffles]
Nobody cares.
Nobody has the time...
to be vulnerable to each other.
So... we just go on.
I mean, right away our armor comes out
like a shield and goes around us...
and, uh, we become like
mechanical men.
Yeah. And I called you
a mechanical woman, huh?
I got news.
I'm so mechanical
Honey, it's absolutely ludicrous
how mechanical a person can be.
[Imitating Machine]
I am the sexiest guy in the world.
[Imitating Machine]
I have blond hair.
[Imitating Machine]
I can get all the women I want.
[Imitating Machine]
You're waking up, aren't ya?
Uh-huh.
You silly little puddin'.
Yes, I am a silly little puddin'.
You know, anybody that would
that would pop a lot of sleeping pills
Anybody that would
[Imitates Vomiting]
Their guts out, you know,
in front of company
Anybody that would
let a a guy
a wom
slap her and not be mad at him or
- You're supposed to be saving my life.
- Hasn't got much to say.
I've got lots to say.
You wanna try me?
No, I hate you.
I really hate you.
#Yes, I know #
## [Continues, Indistinct]
#Yes, I know #
# Oh, didn't Daniel in that lions' den #
## [Continues, Indistinct]
# Oh, Lord, I'm ready #
# I'll be ready
when that great day comes #
# Oh, glory, hallelujah #
# Ready
Oh, Lord, I'm ready #
#I'll be ready
when that great ##
I thought you just had problems.
That's wonderful.
That's, uh, something new.
A noble adulteress.
I think you ought to be rewarded.
I'll write it into a policy. You commit
adultery, the adulterer gets killed.
The beneficiary, who is the adulteress,
gets paid off, right?
Dickie, I don't care.
Rejected for the thousandth time
in 14 years.
She doesn't care.
All I have to do is find
that 10-year-old rapist and kill him.
And then you get paid off.
You don't need me, you don't need any man.
And I'll write the policy.
What the hell were you doing?
Chasing each other all over the house?
You couldn't get laid in bed,
so you come down to the kitchen?
Then you go up and take a shower
to wash off the kitchen?
You get laid once
and everything is solved!
Get all the soldiers in Vietnam laid
and the whole Middle East problem is solved!
You want violence, huh?
You want me to be violent? Is that it?
You want me to slap you across the face
every time you open your mouth?
I hate my life.
I just don't love you.
Throw me a cigarette, please.
A light.
My lighter, please.
[Coughing]
[Coughing]
Those pills, they tie up your lungs.
Ouch.
[Forst Sighs]
#Never felt like this before #
#Never felt like this before #
#Never felt like this before #
#Never felt like this before #
#I see you in the storm #
#And you hold me in your arms #
#And I feel safe and warm #
#I want you always by my side
Don't you ever let me leave #
# Or get away from you #
#I'm gonna stick like glue #
# 'Cause you knew what I was after #
#Now the time is for laughter #
# What you doin'
standin'way over there #
- Excuse me.
- #I want you to come stand over here #
#And never leave me here alone #
#Have you felt like this before #
#Never felt like this before #
#Never felt like this before #
#Never felt like this before #
#Never felt like this before #
#Never felt like this before ##