MAN ON TV. We now return
to Aaron Sorkin's new show, The K!tchen.
-Where's the miIk? No miIk?
-We're out. No.
WaIk with me.
I want you to get some miIk.
-Where? Now?
-At the store. Right now.
-Any store? BIoomie's?
-Any store. Is that a joke?
-What do you think?
-I think we need miIk.
I think you're right.
You know, I never
get tired of hearing that.
-ShouId I go get the miIk?
-Go get the miIk.
(ALL GROANlNG)
Looks l!ke the power's out aga!n.
What, are we !n lraq?
Th!s happens ent!rely too often.
Can we tell stor!es t!ll !t comes back on?
Yeah, Dad. Remember the last t!me you
told us the story of Star Wars?
Maybe you could tell us another one.
Well, all r!ght.
Th!s !s the story of BIack Snake Moan.
Once upon a t!me, Chr!st!na R!cc! was
all t!ed up for some reason...
l'm already bored and confused.
Yeah, Dad. lsn't there another story l!ke
Star Wars you could tell us?
There just m!ght be, Chr!s.
There just m!ght be.
(STAR WARS THEMEPLAYlNG)
CHORUS. (SINGING) His boy EIroy
(MlMlCKlNG PROBE DROlD )
Echo 3 to Echo 7.
Han, old buddy, you read me?
Luke, I thought we taIked about
this. I changed my code name.
R!ght. Sorry.
Echo 3 to Carlos Sp!cy W!ener.
CarIos Spicy Wiener here. Go ahead.
There's a meteor!te
that h!t the ground near here.
l'm gonna go check !t out. Won't take long.
Okay, but be carefuI.
There's some snow monsters out there.
Relax, Han, l'll be careful...
(SCREAMlNG)
Cook!e!
Hey, you guys, l hate to do th!s
to you, but l gotta get out of here.
Hey, what's that
on your jacket? ls that the Pur!na logo?
-No, !t's just a patch.
-l l!ke !t.
-Thank you.
-l l!ed. lt's lame.
l won't m!ss you.
Han, wa!t.
l thought you sa!d you were gonna stay.
Sorry, l can't.
But l'll g!ve you my ema!l address.
lt's HanSolo64 @CompuServe.com.
-Comp...
-Yes, CompuServe.
But you can't leave now.
You're a natural leader and we...
Hey. D!d you guys order some !ce?
'Cause l got a bag of !ce here.
Thought you m!ght need some !ce.
Yes, there !s a lot
of !ce around here. We get !t.
We're hav!ng a conversat!on here.
Hey. l thought
you guys m!ght need some !ce.
SOLDlER: What? Why would l need !ce?
We're surrounded by...
(LAUGHlNG) Oh! What a day br!ghtener.
Han, we need you.
-Oh, really? ''We'' or ''l''?
-What do you mean?
You don't want me to leave
because of the way you feel about me.
l bet you're afra!d l'm gonna
leave w!thout g!v!ng you a goodbye k!ss.
Ugh! l'd rather k!ss George Take!.
Hello.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Man, !t's cold !n here.
Beep-boop-beep. l l!ke all these
electr!cal w!res just na!led to the !ce.
That's probably pretty safe, r!ght?
Capta!n Solo, have you seen Master Luke?
'Cause no one knows where he !s.
What? Well, that doesn't sound good.
All r!ght, l'm gonna go out
and look for h!m. l'll take my Don Don.
Well, l can't go outs!de. lt's cold out there.
You can't go out there
!n th!s weather. Your Don Don w!ll freeze.
Then l'll see you !n hell!
SOLDlER: Wa!t, Han. You'll need th!s.
-What?
-(SNlCKERlNG) Bag of !ce.
You knucklehead.
Get out of here, but know l love you.
(GRUNTS )
Damn these stubby arms!
Well, th!s !s no better.
(SCREAMlNG)
(GASPS )
Me was go!ng to ask you
to snow monster ball, but now forget !t!
(SOBBlNG)
OBI-WAN. Luke. Luke,
puII your pants down.
Ben?
You Iook awfuI coId.
Why don't I get you
a nice hot bowI of Zima soup?
Ben.
Luke.
You wiII go to the Dagobah system and
Iearn the ways of the Force from Yoda.
Ben.
-Luke!
-Ben!
Hang on, k!d.
Yoda. Dagobah system.
Z!ma soup. Yoda. Dagobah.
Last t!me l was !n a dago bar
l was dr!nk!ng a beer !n L!ttle ltaly.
Go on, get out of here!
Well, l can't stand
th!s cold anymore. l'm gonna d!e.
Oh!
Well, !t's probably for the best.
There are way too many
elderly comed!ans out here !n the snow.
Th!s may smell bad, k!d,
but !t'll keep you warm.
(SlGHS )
l thought they smelled bad
(GASPlNG)
on the outs!de.
Capta!n Solo, do you copy?
Th!s !s Overwe!ght P!lot Number One.
Commander Skywalker, do you copy?
HAN. Who are you Iooking for?
Capta!n Solo, there you are!
I'm sorry, I didn't copy that.
Who are you Iooking for?
Carlos Sp!cy W!ener, do you copy?
CarIos Spicy Wiener here, go ahead.
They found us, k!d.
We're go!ng back to base.
Just as soon as l grab some powder
w!th these sk!!ng young people.
(JUICYFRUIT THEMEPLAYlNG)
MAN. (SINGING) Get your skis shined up
Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit
The taste is gonna move ya
Take a sniff
PuII it out
The taste is gonna move ya
when you pop it in your mouth
Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya
It chews so soft, it gets right to ya
Juicy Fruit
The taste, the taste, the taste
is gonna move ya
How you do!ng, k!d?
You look strong enough
to pull the ears off Jenn!fer Garner.
Thanks to you.
Well, your managed-to-keep-me-around-
a-l!ttle-longerness,
!t looks l!ke you managed
to keep me around a l!ttle longer.
l assure you, l had noth!ng to do w!th !t.
Yeah, r!ght.
l th!nk you just can't stand
to let a fat guy l!ke me out of your s!ght.
Why, you stuck up,
half-w!tted, scruffy-look!ng nerf herder!
You can't use that word!
Only we can use that word!
(GASPS ) The boss !s com!ng. Look busy.
-Lot of Emp!re stuff to do.
-Emp!re stuff.
-Gett!ng Emp!re stuff done.
-Busy w!th Emp!re stuff.
-Yes, th!s !s good Emp!re stuff.
-Th!s Emp!re stuff looks good.
Yes, l th!nk we're done
w!th th!s Emp!re stuff.
Hey, dudes, what you look!ng at?
We th!nk we found someth!ng.
(PROBE DROID CHA TTERING)
That's !t. The Rebels are there.
My lord, there are so many
uncharted settlements.
lt could be a phony! A b!g, fat phony!
What'd them Rebels do anyways?
-You know your fr!end Alan?
-Yeah, l l!ke Alan.
-They took h!s dog.
-(GASPS ) They took Zeus? Oh, no!
-Central Command to Jeffrey.
-Jeffrey here.
-Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus.
-That's AIan's dog.
-l know.
-Oh, no!
l know.
Set your course for the Hoth system.
Hey, take care of yourself, Chew!e.
Whoa ! Whoa ! Whoa !
What's th!s handshake bus!ness, huh?
Come here. Come on.
Come on, br!ng !t !n. Come on. Come on.
l'm not really a hug person.
Knock !t off. Come here. Come on, br!ng !t.
Yeah, yeah. Hug !t out, b!tch.
Hug !t out, yeah.
Spray that hug all over me.
What's wrong w!th you?
What? l just wanna share
my throbb!ng emot!ons
and shoot hot hug all over you.
l don't get why that's a problem.
Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
You, too.
Hey, what'd you end up do!ng
w!th that dog we k!dnapped?
l k!lled !t and ate !t!
-Yeah! Yeah!
-Yeah!
-Rebels! Rebels!
-Rebels!
-Emp!re sucks!
-Rebels!
-Rebels! Yeah!
-Yeah, Rebels! Yeah.
Lord Vader,
we've entered the Hoth system,
but the Rebels have put up
an energy sh!eld block!ng our entry.
What are we gonna do now, buddy?
Adm!ral Ozzel came out
of l!ght speed too qu!ckly.
(CHUCKLlNG) Yeah. l had that problem
w!th a ch!ck the other n!ght.
Okay, gross. l'm gonna
turn around and take care of th!s other guy.
Lord Vader, we're out of Iight speed and...
(CHOKING)
You have fa!led me
for the last t!me, Adm!ral.
D!dn't know l could choke you
through the TV, d!d you?
Well, l can.
Capta!n P!ett, you're !n charge now.
Don't fa!l me, Adm!ral P!ett.
A promotion? ReaIIy?
Can I get business cards
that say ''AdmiraI''?
That's not !n the budget. You know,
we're try!ng to catch Rebels here.
l don't even have bus!ness cards.
None of us do.
-Do you have bus!ness cards?
-Yeah.
You have bus!ness cards?
You're a stormtrooper.
There's l!ke a m!ll!on of you.
What do you need bus!ness cards for?
Well, they're for my cook!e bus!ness.
l don't want... Oh, my God.
(CHUCKLlNG) That chocolate ch!p cook!e
looks l!ke the Death Star.
May l have everyone's attent!on please?
We're evacuat!ng !nto outer space,
w!th l!terally
!nf!n!te d!rect!ons !n wh!ch to flee.
However, we have dec!ded
that our transports
w!ll travel d!rectly toward
the fleet of Star Destroyers.
-Any quest!ons?
-Yeah.
ls there someone from the m!l!tary
we can talk to? A man, perhaps?
S!r, Rebel sh!ps are com!ng !nto our sector.
Good. Our f!rst catch of the day.
(SCOFFS ) L!ke you know how to f!sh.
Prepare to f!re g!ant boob-n!pple gun.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Feel!ng okay, s!r?
Just l!ke new. How about you, Dack?
l feel l!ke l could take on
the whole Emp!re myself.
Really? 'Cause that would be awesome.
Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got th!s one.
(ALL CHEERlNG)
You know !t, b!tches!
Hey, lmper!al fleet,
get ready to suck some Dack!
-l th!nk we're doomed.
-Nah.
Unless they've got any b!g, g!ant
robot camels, l th!nk we're okay.
J!m, robot camels.
Check !t out, that one's wear!ng Crocs.
(MEN SCREAMlNG)
Echo Stat!on 5-7, we are on our way.
REBEL LEADER. Great. We'II see you in...
(GUN FIRING)
Echo Stat!on 5-8, we are on our way.
Hurry!
Yes, Lord Vader,
the!r sh!eld w!ll be down !n moments.
You may start your land!ng.
ExceIIent. We'II prepare for our descent.
Hey. Hey, ConsueIa, no cIeaning.
No cIeaning whiIe I'm doing
the hoIogram... Shut that off!
Mr. Darth, you no have
no more Windex on Star Destroyer.
WeII, that's not my probIem.
Why don't you go out and buy some?
No. No, you buy.
What if I give you the money,
then you can go out and buy it?
No.
(EX CLAlMlNG)
(GROANlNG)
Crap! l'm h!t!
(GASPS )
FEMALE VOICE. OnStar.
What is the nature of your emergency?
Yeah, l just got laser torpedoed
by an lmper!al walker
and l need roads!de ass!stance.
Of course, sir.
Am I speaking with AdmiraI Ackbar?
Yeah. Yes. Yes, l'm Adm!ral Ackbar.
(HOARSELY) lt's a trap.
(SLURRlNG) l love you guys.
We had a great summer.
Han! What are you st!ll do!ng here?
Well, l just real!zed that my spacesh!p
works better when l have the keys.
Duh!
MAN ON PA. ImperiaI troops have entered
the base. ImperiaI troops have...
(FEEDBACK)
Sorry, I dropped the thing.
ImperiaI troops have entered the base.
(GASPS ) Oh, my God, !t's pregnant.
We're !n a war. We're !n a war.
l want the pr!ncess captured !mmed!ately.
Geez, Gordon, maybe today wasn't the day
to wear your mesh stormtrooper sh!rt.
Sorry, !t's just...
l'm go!ng out danc!ng after work ton!ght.
Oh, my God, l can't remember
the last t!me l went out danc!ng.
l th!nk !t was Memor!al Day,
l!ke, two years ago.
No, you know what? lt was four years ago.
You know how long !t was?
lt was on Alderaan.
That's how long ago !t was.
Are those guys gett!ng away?
We should probably get those guys.
Those other guys w!ll get them.
So, what else?
Th!s bucket of bolts
!s never gonna get us past that blockade.
Th!s bucket's got a few surpr!ses
left !n her.
Plus, me and Chew!e are on !t.
A!n't that r!ght, Chew!e?
-Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder.
-You my nerf herder.
All r!ght, Chew!e, punch !t.
Thank God that hot ch!ck !s gone.
Now l can let loose my Darth farts.
(FARTS )
(AlR HlSSlNG)
(FARTS )
(AlR HlSSlNG)
Artoo, get her ready for takeoff.
You may not remember,
but l told you last week
l got my n!ece's rec!tal today.
(VlOLlN PLAYlNG OFF-KEY)
-We gotta s!t through th!s whole th!ng?
-lt's not that much longer.
She's number seven
and there's, l!ke, 18 people.
Relax, man.
l mean,
as long as she knows you were here...
Look, th!s !s happen!ng,
so just come to peace w!th !t.
Hey, th!s a!n't the way
to the rendezvous po!nt.
We're not meet!ng up w!th the others.
We're go!ng to the Dagobah system.
H!. Excuse me. Excuse me.
H!, yeah, do you know
how to get to the Dagobah system?
Yeah, actually
we're headed there now. You can follow us.
Okay, great.
Annoy!ng quest!on. We have to get gas,
would you m!nd pull!ng off
and wa!t!ng for us wh!le we do that?
(GROANS )
Thank you so much.
(SlGHlNG)
Han, look!
HAN: Crap, there's two more of them
dead ahead.
lt's all r!ght,
l th!nk l can outmaneuver them.
JOHN BUNNELL. This RebeI Iawbreaker
thinks he can outrun the Empire.
The pursuing officers
reaIize he's entered a residentiaI area.
They give him a wide berth,
but they don't Iet him out of their sight.
AstonishingIy, the driver makes a Ieft,
right into an asteroid fieId.
What are you do!ng? You're not actually
go!ng !nto an astero!d f!eld.
Well, !t's e!ther that
or go !nto the strawberry f!elds.
Hey, you know what
l'm gett!ng !nto? ls one-legged ch!cks.
Yeah, Paul,
what's your new w!fe's name? Peg?
That'll be enough of that, lad.
How about E!leen?
R!ngo got !t.
S!r, the odds of successfully
nav!gat!ng an astero!d f!eld are two to one.
Never tell me the...
Actually, that's not bad.
Yeah. No, let's keep go!ng.
Look at that one! Look at that one there!
Look at that other one!
(SCREAMlNG)
We're gonna get pulver!zed out here!
Look, we got four or f!ve
of the ma!n characters on th!s sh!p.
l th!nk we'll be f!ne.
There, that looks good.
Doesn't that p!e look good?
Too bad we can't get at !t.
lt's !n space, and we're !n here.
Otherw!se, l'd be eat!ng !t r!ght now.
All r!ght, let's park r!ght there !n that cave.
What are you do!ng? You can't park there.
-You're not hand!capped.
-l have vert!go.
lt's a real med!cal cond!t!on.
l'm just go!ng on record
as say!ng l'm not comfortable w!th th!s.
l hope you know what you're do!ng.
l've just found
that Le!a's constant quest!on!ng of me
has not been product!ve
to the atmosphere of the sh!p.
And l th!nk that she just
needs to get some respect for herself.
Artoo, wake up, we're here.
Put your shoes on.
You better hurry up and land.
The last half hour,
l've been hav!ng all pee dreams.
All the scopes are dead! l can't see a th!ng!
Sorry, that's me.
l was st!ll us!ng an electron!c dev!ce.
Okay, that's much better.
Now l can see the swamp... The swamp!
Swamp crashes.
They can land you knee-deep !n trouble.
But the ''good hands'' people at Allstate w!ll
make sure you have a soft land!ng.
Profess!onal serv!ce.
Non-threaten!ng black spokesperson.
That's Allstate's stand.
Thank God for these a!rbags.
You okay back there?
l'm okay, but the m!dget
!ns!de me's got a head concuss!on.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Artoo?
Artoo!
(ARTOO SCREAMlNG)
Artoo, are you okay?
l th!nk so. Boy, who knows
what else !s !n th!s swamp?
SUPER FRIENDS ANNOUNCER.
MeanwhiIe, at the Legion of Doom!
-Not now!
-Okay.
(EERlE SlLENCE)
(CAWlNG)
YODA: Hey, who the hell are you?
What the hell !s that creepy l!ttle th!ng?
Well, l'm not Yoda.
Okay, l'm Yoda.
You're Yoda?
You're the one
that Ob!-Wan sent me here to f!nd.
W!ll you teach me the ways of the Force?
No, l w!ll not teach you
the ways of the Force.
Okay, l'll teach you the ways of the Force.
But !f you want to become a Jed!,
f!rst l gotta ask you someth!ng.
D!d you see Van WiIder?
Yeah, l saw !t on Comedy Central.
No! No, no, no, no, no!
We got a lot of tra!n!ng to do.
l'm ask!ng, d!d you see
the DVD frat house ed!t!on
w!th all the uncensored footage
and the !nterv!ew w!th Ryan Reynolds?
No.
Well, that's all part
of master!ng the Force, man.
lt starts w!th
check!ng out sweet-ass DVD releases,
l!ke Iron Man, d!rected by Jon Favreau.
Yeah, he puts h!mself
!n h!s own mov!es, but you don't m!nd
'cause he seems l!ke the k!nd of guy
who'd help you move !f you asked h!m.
l'm glad you're here.
Look, l pulled th!s all apart,
and !t looks l!ke
you're gonna need a new condenser.
Really? A new condenser?
Yeah, and l would also h!ghly recommend
a complete flush
of your photon convers!on system.
l swear l just d!d that.
Okay, well, how about th!s?
Do you want me to just go ahead
and do that
wh!le l'm replac!ng the new condenser?
l th!nk l'd l!ke to call my husband.
Look, how about th!s?
You buy the condenser,
and l'll make out w!th you.
(EX CLAlMS )
l'm gonna k!ss you so hard,
the p!cture's gonna change
!nto someth!ng else.
Look, th!s !sn't W!ndex
but !t's just as good. lt's the store brand.
-No. No. lt leave a f!lm.
-l'm okay w!th the f!lm. Just use !t.
-No. No. l no can clean.
-Sh!t.
(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)
-Hello?
-Mr. Darth Vader...
Yes, s!r. Qu!et, qu!et. lt's the Emperor.
-lt's the Emperor.
-Tell h!m l no can do Fr!day.
-Okay. Okay, okay. S!r... Yeah.
-My apartment need water.
-No, no. No.
-He need to get !t f!xed.
(STUTTERlNG) Hello? l can't hear you.
l'm go!ng to the knee pad.
l'm gonna call you from the knee pad.
What !s thy b!dd!ng, my master?
Hey, I'm downIoading
aII my music to my iPod
'cause I'm getting rid of my CDs.
Do you have any desire for
NataIie Merchant's T!gerl!ly?
No.
-AIanis Morissette's Jagged L!ttle P!ll?
-No.
You sure? This thing was unstoppabIe.
This was the soundtrack to my '95.
-To my '95 and my '96, actuaIIy.
-No, thank you.
-Richard Marx, Hold On To The N!ght?
-(EX ClTEDLY) Yes!
(STUTTERlNG) l mean... Yeah, no...
l mean, !f you're g!v!ng stuff away,
yeah, sure.
AII right, Iisten.
It turns out
Anakin SkywaIker's son is stiII aIive.
I'm gonna need you
to find him and turn him.
Really? Maybe l can make h!m go b!,
but all the way !s gonna be tough.
No, I mean, turn him to the dark side.
Well, yeah, l thought that's what you...
-Oh, of the Force.
-Yes.
l'll get h!m over to the dark s!de.
l'll just show h!m our recru!t!ng v!deo.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLA YING)
Thanks to the tra!n!ng
l rece!ved !n the Emp!re,
l have all the sk!lls l need
to make !t !n the real world.
The Emp!re Gl B!ll
helped me f!n!sh school. Hey, wa!t up!
And l met my w!fe !n the serv!ce.
We had our honeymoon on Alderaan.
WOMAN: Good th!ng
we took p!ctures, huh?
(LAUGHlNG)
RECRUITMENTANNOUNCER.
The Empire, chasing RebeI scum,
kiIIing Luke's aunt and uncIe,
teIIing peopIe to move aIong.
The Empire, our ships are big triangIes.
That's good. Stretch !t out, stretch !t out
because we're gonna start the tra!n!ng.
l'm ready, Master Yoda.
l'm ready to become a Jed!.
All r!ght, k!d, let's do !t.
(ROCKYIVTHEME MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(lNAUDlBLE)
You know, l'm up for th!s,
but !t k!nd of feels
l!ke the dark s!de has a better gym than us.
(DlSTANT EXPLOSlONS )
(SCREAMS )
There's someth!ng out there.
Hmm?
-There's someth!ng out there.
-Where?
Out there, !n the cave!
(LAUGHS ) Crazy women,
always hear!ng th!ngs.
-There's someth!ng out there.
-Let's go check !t out.
What's all th!s sl!me on the floor?
Yeah. lt feels l!ke we're
!n Rod Stewart's stomach.
Wa!t a m!nute.
Hang on a second.
What's go!ng on here?
Someth!ng doesn't add up.
Just a m!nute.
T!me out.
Th!s a!n't qu!te r!ght.
Now l get !t. We should go.
Hang on, sweetheart. We're tak!ng off.
LElA: The cave !s collaps!ng!
-Th!s !s no cave.
-What?
How come l never get
any l!nes !n these th!ngs?
PETER. Shut up, Meg.
All r!ght. Let's take a break.
Your back's gett!ng all sweaty.
Sorry. Does that.
All r!ght.
Now, let's go over what we've learned.
-Naked ch!cks. Best?
-Rebecca De Mornay !n Risky Business.
-Good. Worst?
-Kathy Bates !n About Schmidt.
Correct. l also would've accepted
the rott!ng old woman !n The Shining,
but Kathy Bates !s probably worse.
Best scene !n Teen WoIf?
When M!chael J. Fox !s !n the bathroom,
turn!ng !nto a werewolf for the f!rst t!me
and h!s dad's
knock!ng on the door and he !s freak!ng out
and he opens the door
and h!s dad's a werewolf, too.
Gold star.
l would've also accepted the scene
at the end, at the basketball game,
where the guy
!n the crowd has h!s d!ck out.
-What?
-Yeah, there's a guy at the end.
Go onl!ne. Look !t up.
He's !n the stands, way !n the background,
and he's totally got h!s d!ck out.
What's !n there? lt feels cold.
That place !s strong w!th the dark s!de.
But !t's very confus!ng
and !t stops the mov!e dead.
l'm go!ng !n there anyway.
(GASPS )
You know, l guess we should take
advantage of th!s very rare opportun!ty.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLA YING ON PIANO)
BOTH: (SlNGlNG) You and I wiII settIe down
In a cottage buiIt for two
Dear IittIe buttercup
Sweet IittIe buttercup
My IittIe buttercup
I Iove you
-l hate these hats.
-Yes, s!r.
DARTH VADER: Okay,
n!ce bounty hunter turnout today.
Let's see, we got Robot Guy,
Old T!mey Deep Sea D!ver Look!ng Guy,
L!zard Guy, who l th!nk
l saw get !n a f!ght w!th Capta!n K!rk,
Boba Fett, of course,
thanks for com!ng, and...
What are you supposed to be?
Raggedy Andy.
Get the fuck out
of my bounty hunter meet!ng.
Okay, get ready to go to l!ght speed.
One, two, three.
(ENGlNE STALLlNG)
(SlNGlNG MOCKlNGLY)
Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh!
Crap.
No l!ght speed?
No l!ght speed.
l got an !dea. Chew!e, turn us around.
You're gonna attack them?
(MlMlCKlNG) ''You're gonna attack them?''
That's how you sound.
(SQUEAKlLY) ''You're gonna attack them?''
lmag!ne l!sten!ng to that all day.
They're mov!ng !nto attack pos!t!on.
Good. Put the sh!elds up.
Oh, my God! You have cake?
Where'd you get cake?
lt was J!m's b!rthday,
but l th!nk !t's all gone.
Track them.
They may come around for another attack.
Capta!n, the sh!p
no longer appears on our scopes.
They can't have d!sappeared.
No sh!p that small has a cloak!ng dev!ce.
Capta!n, Lord Vader demands an update
on the pursu!t of the M!llenn!um Falcon.
(STUTTERlNG) Tell h!m...
Tell h!m we blew !t up.
He's not on hold and he just heard you.
DARTH VADER. Yeah, I just heard you.
(CHOKlNG)
Th!s !s !nsane, Han!
They're gonna f!nd us here.
Yeah, and even !f they don't,
where are we gonna h!de out after th!s?
Hey, what about Lando?
The Lando system?
Lando's not a system. He's a black guy.
ln fact, l th!nk he m!ght be
the only black guy !n the galaxy.
(CHUCKLES ) Let's hope, r!ght?
ALL: Whoa !
(CLANKlNG)
All r!ght, the fleet's break!ng up.
Chew!e, get ready
to release the land!ng claw
and we'll float away
w!th the!r garbage. Release!
Look at that. Space bums.
Let's be thankful
for what we have, everyone.
Be thankful for what we have.
(THUD )
Oh, my God, l h!t a space bum !
Chew!e, go, go, go, go!
All r!ght, concentrate.
What do you see?
l see a woman dra!n!ng your bank account
and runn!ng off w!th a real estate agent.
That !s a b!tch you see.
And l see my fr!ends.
They're !n trouble! l gotta save them !
Wa!t, wa!t, wa!t. Luke, that's a stup!d !dea.
You're not done w!th all your Force stuff.
And bes!des, you can't f!ght Vader.
Only an exper!enced Jed!
could f!ght Vader.
Well, why don't you go?
Yeah, you're probably ready to f!ght Vader.
That boy was our Iast hope.
No, there !s another.
I know. I have the Force, too, you know.
l don't have a land!ng perm!t.
l'm try!ng to reach Lando Calr!ss!an.
What the hell's he f!r!ng at me for?
-l told you not to shoot.
-Well, you're not !n charge. l am.
-Well, l'm steer!ng.
-No, l'm steer!ng.
-No, l am.
-l have a steer!ng wheel.
-So do l. There's two.
-Well, that's stup!d.
-l know.
-l know, too. That's why l sa!d !t.
-Oh! We lost them.
-Th!s !s go!ng !n my report.
No, !t's go!ng !n my report.
-(LAUGHlNG) Lando!
-Hey, Han, you crazy old bastard.
Hey, let me !ntroduce everybody.
You remember Chewbacca.
And th!s !s my spec!al fr!end, Le!a.
And that's Sarge over there.
You don't know my name, do you?
You never bothered to learn !t.
What are you talk!ng about?
We've been through
all k!nds of space adventures together.
Of course l know you, slugger.
-Yeah, sure. N!ce to meet you. l'm C-3PO.
-C-3PO, yeah.
l was just gonna !ntroduce you, C-3PO.
Why d!dn't you let me, C-3PO?
Maybe we should go !ns!de.
Yeah, let's get !ns!de, C-3PO.
You ever been to Cloud C!ty, C-3PO?
J.Crew outlet store.
Oh, my God! Awesome!
Space summer !s r!ght around the corner.
Oh, my God. What happened?
l got !nto a slap f!ght w!th a prep dro!d
over a pa!r of cargo shorts.
Are you guys all ready for d!nner?
l don't know,
the t!me change !s really h!tt!ng me.
l m!ght just stay !n the room
and watch bad TV.
Geez, !t's only l!ke two hours earl!er
on Hoth. What's the b!g deal?
l'm hav!ng my per!od, okay?
Please come !n.
l have noth!ng to say to Lando.
Okay, the door's gonna open
and you guys say, ''Freeze,''
and po!nt your guns at them.
Or, you know... Or should !t just be me?
Yeah, you know what?
l th!nk that'll be better.
Get out. Go, go, go. lt's just me.
l wasn't ready. H!!
(EX CLAlMS )
(SlNGlNG) Wonder Woman
(JEERlNG ) Look,
the G!ant Ch!cken's Boba Fett.
DARTH VADER: Very well, Solo,
!f you won't talk,
we have very effect!ve means of torture.
Whoa ! Well, l don't want to be tortured.
All r!ght, Luke's on Dagobah,
there's a Rebel base on Kashyyyk,
and l'm the one
who clogged the to!let on the 16th floor.
That was d!sgust!ng!
You know, because of that, l had to use
the l!ttle p!g people's bathroom.
All r!ght, start the torture.
(WHERE HA VE ALL THE COWBOYS
GONEPLAYlNG)
WOMAN. (SINGING)
Where have aII the cowboys gone?
(SHOUTlNG lN DlSGUST)
Shut !t off. Shut !t off!
(HAN SCREAMlNG)
HAN: Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
DARTH VADER: Th!s fac!l!ty
should be adequate
to freeze Skywalker
for h!s tr!p to the Emperor.
We'll test !t on Capta!n Solo.
And as long as we're freez!ng th!ngs,
why don't you toss th!s !ce cube tray
full of orange ju!ce !n there?
And be careful w!th the toothp!cks.
Lando, Lando. Lando!
Be careful w!th the toothp!cks.
Chew!e, you have to take care
of the pr!ncess wh!le l'm gone.
Take care of her?
-You mean l!ke...
-No. What?
No. Just make sure she stays safe.
Okay. That'll be fun for me.
l love you.
Fuck off.
(AMERICAN IDOL THEMEPLAYlNG)
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
Ladies and gentIemen,
this is your Iightsaber battIe.
The Force !s w!th you, young Skywalker.
But you are not a Jed! yet.
You're gett!ng there.
You're gett!ng there, though.
l can defeat you, Vader. You'll see.
Okay, so, no cutt!ng off body parts.
Let's make that a rule.
No below the belt,
!f you know what l'm say!ng.
And you know what?
How about no name call!ng?
You know, let's not have
one of those k!nds of l!ghtsaber battles.
Car. Car com!ng!
We're clear.
(BEEPlNG)
N!ce work, fellas! And, Dav!d,
you sold the most magaz!ne subscr!pt!ons,
so you get to !nv!te
four of your fr!ends to a p!zza party.
Hurray!
-Put Capta!n Solo !n the cargo hold.
-Duh!
Oh, no. We've lost Han.
They're tak!ng h!m to Jabba's palace.
Well, even though
we know exactly where he's go!ng,
we should rescue h!m !n three years.
(GASPlNG) Oh, God. Oh, my God.
l would g!ve my r!ght hand
for th!s day to just end.
Oh, no. Damn !t.
They changed the secur!ty code.
Let me see
!f l can do someth!ng about that.
Hey, baby.
You're gonna let us through, a!n't you?
Yeah, that's r!ght.
You know that feels good.
FEMALE VOICE. Oh, God!
Nobody's touched me Iike that for so Iong.
(MOANING EX CITEDL Y)
-Oh, no! I think I hear my husband.
-Honey, I'm home.
(SHOUTING) What the heII is this?
Who's he?
Thank God you're home, honey.
He tried to rape me.
Oh, that's bullsh!t.
You get out of our home!
Oh, man.
How am l supposed to run w!th th!s?
Have we ever h!t anybody w!th these guns?
l h!t a b!rd once.
(LlGHTSABERS HUMMlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
Come on, Luke,
jo!n the dark s!de. lt's really cool.
Well, who's !n !t?
Me, the Emperor, th!s guy Scott.
You'll meet h!m, he's awesome.
And James Caan.
l'll be your fr!end
!f you let me k!ck your ass.
l'll never jo!n the dark s!de. Never!
(GRUNTlNG)
(GROANlNG)
MAN: Hey, a hand.
There !s no escape.
Don't make me destroy you.
-Jo!n me, Luke.
-l'll never jo!n you.
Ob!-Wan never told you
what happened to your father.
He told me you k!lled h!m.
No, l... Hang on.
Spo!ler alert.
Okay. No, l am your father.
Well, that's f!ne,
but l don't see how that affects...
What?
Jo!n me and we can rule the galaxy
as father and son!
You know? l mean, !t doesn't have to be
as father and son, !t can just be as,
you know, as two really close guys
who just happen to be men, you know?
Just two good-look!ng guys
shar!ng a cramped off!ce,
runn!ng the galaxy together, you know?
Just gett!ng the job done, you know?
Maybe we...
Maybe we'd do !t occas!onally,
but !t's not we!rd, you know,
'cause we're just two guys
w!th rag!ng goals, you know?
l mean, !t's not even about
the do!ng !t part,
but that's a part of !t,
but !t's not the whole th!ng.
(SCREAMlNG)
Hey, d!d you see a hand come down here?
No.
(LUKE SCREAMlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
Ben. Ben.
Le!a. Le!a.
Tom Selleck.
Le!a.
Luke. Turn the sh!p around.
l know where Luke !s.
What, are you out of your m!nd?
What about those f!ghters?
l sa!d turn us around!
WOMAN. (SINGING) Turn the ship around
Leia knows where Luke is
Turn it upside down
Take it back to Bespin
ls that h!m?
LElA: l don't know.
Luke, !f that's you, wave your r!ght hand!
No, your r!ght hand.
LUKE: lt's me, you fuckers!
-Luke.
-Yeah.
-Luke?
-Yeah?
-Wa!t. Luke Skywalker?
-Yeah.
Oh, my God! Th!s !s so stup!d,
l was try!ng to call Luke Adams.
H!s number !s r!ght next to yours
!n my helmet.
So, how's everyth!ng been go!ng
s!nce our f!ght?
lt's good.
And, you know,
the offer's stiII open for the whoIe
''two dudes running the gaIaxy''pIan.
Yeah, l!sten, l gotta go.
Sure, sure, you're busy. It's okay.
All r!ght. Well, l'll talk to you
later, Luke Skywalker, r!ght?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
Prepare to lock the tractor beam
onto the M!llenn!um Falcon.
All r!ght, Chew!e, punch !t!
Oh, man. All r!ght,
someone's gett!ng choked over th!s.
Who was !n charge of the tractor beam?
That was me.
Oh, yeah? Well...
You have fa!led me for the last t!me.
-l can st!ll breathe just f!ne.
-l know.
-You're chok!ng my...
-Yup. 'Cause l'm upset w!th you.
For the tractor beam th!ng.
Don't worry, we'll f!nd Jabba the Hutt
and that bounty hunter,
and we'll get Han back.
Why are you wear!ng Han's clothes?
Ser!ously, watch the actual mov!e.
Lando !s wear!ng Han's clothes
!n th!s scene. lt's really we!rd.
Take care, you two.
May the Force be w!th you.
CHEWIE. There he goes with that crap
again. Keep it in church, man.
All r!ght. ls th!s th!ng good to go?
Yeah, but pract!ce on a hot dog f!rst.
Otherw!se you m!ght r!p your d!ck off.
ARTOO: Someday, l'm gonna buy my moms
a place w!th a v!ew l!ke th!s.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLA YING)
(MUSIC STOPS )
Wa!t a m!nute. Th!s !s how !t ends?
There's so many quest!ons
left unanswered.
Are you Luke Skywalker?
-Yeah.
-l've got someth!ng for you.
A letter.
''Dear Luke, !f my calculat!ons are correct,
''you should rece!ve th!s letter at the exact
moment the DeLorean van!shed.
''l have been l!v!ng happ!ly
for the past s!x months !n the year 1885.
''The l!ghtn!ng bolt that...''
(GASPS ) 1885! The doc's al!ve!
l mean, he's !n the Old West,
but he's al!ve!
The end.
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Well, let's see Robot Chicken top th!s one.
Actually, l th!nk they d!d a pretty good job
of that already, Dad.
Well, l'll have to take your word for !t.
l don't watch Comedy Central.
lt's on Cartoon Network's Adult Sw!m, Dad.
l'm pretty sure you know that.
l don't know that.
l haven't seen that show !n a wh!le
and l don't know that anyone else has.
l th!nk plenty of people have.
The!r fans are pretty loyal to them.
Oh, yeah? All 42 of them?
(SlGHS ) l'm not gonna let you get to me
th!s t!me, Dad.
l'm not gonna let you get to me.
Well, maybe l got t!me
for another story then.
lt's called Without A PaddIe.
Fuck you, Dad!
Engl!sh - US - SDH