1
(EXHALES)
Well, good news.
I found your car keys.
(CHUCKLES)
That's where I left them.
You know, you have the
prostate of an 18-year-old.
Nice! I'd rather have
his dick,
but you get what you get.
Next time,
buy me dinner first.
(ALL LAUGHING)
That's a good one.
I like that joke.
I hadn't heard that before.
ETHAN: Come on.
Why do I have to go?
KATHERINE: Because
it's his weekend
and you're not missing
your grandmother's wedding.
ETHAN: It's no fun there.
Last time he made me watch
an entire Super Bowl
from 1979.
Who watches a 30-year-old
football game?
He's always angry
or pissed off...
KATHERINE: Don't say that
about your father.
ETHAN: It's not my fault
he's an asshole.
KATHERINE: We're not
having this discussion.
Go get your bag.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(DOOR SLAMS)
TERRY BRADSHAW: (ON TV)
Pick Enterprise.
We'll pick you up.
MALE NARRATOR:
In New York City,
the dedicated detectives
who investigate
these vicious felonies
are members of
an elite squad known as
the Special Victims Unit.
These are their stories.
- (DRAMATIC BANG ON TV)
- (MOUTHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
PETER: Hello.
HELEN: Ah, there you are.
Hello.
- Hey, Peter.
- Sweetheart.
Mom, you look radiant.
- Thank you.
- Hi, Sheila.
These are for Mom's bunions.
If you want her
on her feet in two hours,
you'll make sure
she wears those.
HELEN: Thank you, darling.
That was sweet.
You know, Peter,
if ever you start questioning
your sexuality,
I'd love to introduce you
to my son, Jason.
- He's got a tight little butt.
- HELEN: Ooh.
I'll be downstairs
if you need me.
- Thank you, Sheila.
- HELEN: Wow.
- Good to know.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Good for Jason.
(CHUCKLING) Where's Ethan?
Uh, he's here somewhere.
Happy as a clam.
Oh, don't be discouraged.
You're a great dad.
Just love him
and be there for him.
And maybe loosen up a little.
I'm loose.
I mean...
I'm loose, whatevs.
Have you seen
your brother yet?
Hmm? Oh, you invited him?
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Life is so crazy, man.
One minute, you're napping
in Maui, unemployed,
uneducated,
30 bucks to your name,
the next minute, some guy's
walking up to you,
asking if he can
put your picture
on a barbeque sauce bottle.
And the next minute
they're giving you three cents
for every bottle they sell.
And the next minute
they're selling 30 million
of these bad boys.
BOTH: And then
the next minute...
You're wearing
a white leather jacket
and white high-tops
to your mom's wedding.
Pete! (CHUCKLING)
(PETER GRUNTING)
It is so good to see you.
I haven't seen this guy
in two years.
Four. Actually.
- Has it been that long?
- Mmm-hmm.
Shut the front door.
Are you messing with me?
He loves messing with me.
- Are you messing with me?
- I'm not.
God, you got to
come over to Hawaii.
When are you gonna visit?
- Yeah...
- Hey, Kaylani! Come here!
I want you to meet someone
really special to me.
Someone I've been
sleeping with exclusively
for the past six months.
Wow, six whole months?
That's what I'm saying.
It's really special.
Aloha, Peter.
Hi.
Oh, okay.
(KAYLANI INHALES DEEPLY)
(KYLE INHALES DEEPLY)
I can feel
your brother inside you.
I am inside you.
You are?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
We're twins.
That's called a Honi.
That is a sacred
Hawaiian greeting
that you just got.
Yeah.
Is that right?
So,
how psyched are you for Mom
finding true love again?
It's awesome.
God, I just wish Dad could've
been here to see this.
- (SIGHS)
- ETHAN: Yo, Uncle Kyle!
Yeah?
You got to see this.
What's your boy's name?
It's Ethan.
You gotta meet Ethan.
He is the best kid. Come on!
OFFICIANT:
Do you take this man
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
Do you take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
MAN: Beautiful!
OFFICIANT:
You may kiss the bride.
(GUESTS CHEERING)
(GLASSES CLINKING)
KYLE: Clink, clink, clink!
It's so nice to be here today.
There's a saying
in Hawaii that goes
a little something
like this...
(SPEAKING HAWAIIAN)
That translates
very simply as,
"Life is alive once more
inside of me
"from my love of you."
And, Gene,
my mother's life
is so alive right now
with you inside her.
- So, I want to raise a toast.
- Hey now.
- (GUESTS LAUGHING)
- To mean Gene
and the greatest mom on Earth.
Cheers!
Hey, l'chaim, everybody!
HELEN: Thank you, darling.
KYLE: Cheers!
- That went good.
- (INAUDIBLE)
What?
What?
Yes.
- No way!
- I'm serious.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
One more thing to say.
Wait, everybody hold on.
Forget about that 70-inch TV
we gave you
because we've got
another wedding gift.
You're finally gonna
be a grandmother!
- (GASPS) Oh!
- Yeah.
Yes!
I mean, a grandmother again!
I'm sorry, Pete.
(GUESTS CHEERING)
KYLE: My life is so perfect!
MALE NARRATOR: (ON TV)
...an elite squad
known as
the Special Victims Unit.
These are their stories.
(DRAMATIC BANG)
I told you, Detective,
I can press charges.
Out of respect for...
Shh. Let's cut to
the chase, Nigel.
May I call you Nigel?
You see, Nigel,
I know that men have needs.
But when a wife
can't fill those needs,
men have to look elsewhere.
Yes.
What the fuck?
I need to talk
to both of you guys.
- What?
- Okay.
Mom, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, okay.
- Thanks.
- Boom!
- KYLE: What a beauty.
Boy, she is
such a good actress.
Hot.
No, no, not her.
Boom.
- BENSON: Now!
- Mmm-hmm?
Foot fetish. (CHUCKLES)
I like this guy.
PETER: No, no, not that.
Don't you see the resemblance?
KYLE: The resemblance to who?
Our father!
He's alive!
KYLE: To our father?
Are you on acid
right now, Pete?
No, Kyle,
look at his birthmark.
KYLE: Yeah, I'm looking.
Mom, can you tell him
this isn't our father.
He isn't your father.
Mom, I've been
looking at his picture
every day since I was
four years old.
That birth mark
is unmistakable!
GENE: Honey,
is everything okay?
Well, Pete is, uh,
lost touch with reality.
The man in the photos
I gave you
wasn't actually your father.
Okay, what?
What?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Okay, he was a friend of mine
from college.
He was an English
exchange student.
He went back after graduation.
I just thought
you'd never see him.
He's not my dad?
He was studying
to be a Botanist,
for crying out loud.
He's an orphan,
and then he got colon cancer.
HELEN: No.
(SIGHS)
I made up all those stories
about your father.
That he was an orphan,
that he came from England.
That he died of colon cancer.
Wow.
HELEN: The truth is,
and I probably should've
told you a long time ago...
I think you should have.
I wasn't sure
who your father was.
How does that work?
Yeah, how does that work?
Well,
you've got to understand...
It was the '70s.
It was the crazy '70s.
It was disco era.
I was a young girl
living in New York.
And if you went partying
in places
like Studio 54...
And, you know, everybody
was high and fucking
and monogamy wasn't
exactly a priority.
I mean, you just go in there
and the mood, it would...
Baby tonight
Hot stuff
Remember that?
And then,
you know, you just...
- PETER: We get it.
- All these great people
in exactly the same situation
you were,
feeling exactly the same thing
you were in.
You would dance with them,
you know,
and then you go and you just,
you know,
you'd sleep with them.
It's true. The priority
was smoking weed and fucking.
Well, sure, yeah.
KYLE: Studio 54?
- How awesome is that?
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)
- PETER: Awesome?
You think this is awesome?
KYLE:
Well, it's not not awesome.
It helps to explain
my zest for love making.
I've always wondered
where I got that from.
Now we know.
I spent my whole life trying
to honor my father's memory.
And you have.
What memory?
I stare at assholes
all day long
because of a fictional man's
colon cancer.
Pete, could you pivot
into plastic surgery
or something
less butt-related.
I mean, you're really smart,
I don't see why not.
Kyle, how are you
not freaking out right now?
Okay, that's not fair!
You can't tell people
how to freak out.
Now I want everybody
to calm down, all right?
I am so sorry, you guys,
but the light is
going quickly.
It's the last chance
for family photos.
Not a good time, Annie!
It's a perfect time, Annie.
Okay, just get
a little bit tighter
and we'll get
a nice family shot.
Oh, you guys look so good.
Hold on.
- This looks perfect.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh, so good!
That is going to be
a good one.
You can't leave just yet.
We need Mom and her sons.
Oh, good idea.
Okay. Come back up here.
I'm gonna need you guys
looking forward,
big smiles.
Perfect, Kyle.
Oh, my God, Dr. Reynolds...
This means he's out there.
He's out there somewhere.
Not now, Peter.
Dr. Reynolds, if I can get you
looking at the camera.
He's been out there
this whole time.
That is true. I mean,
who do you think it was?
As we got older, surely...
Was there someone that we
started to remind you of?
Just stop it.
Will you just please stop it.
None of the men I was with
would have made a good father.
I was trying to protect you.
Protect yourself more like it.
Hey, wait a minute.
I need a name.
I think you owe me a name.
I think you...
ANNIE: Hey, Reynolds!
Camera! Now!
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- Perfect.
We got it.
Fucking thank you.
I can't talk
about this now, Peter.
Okay, she... Mom has spoken.
Pete, you're spinning
out of control literally.
Just calm down.
Stop telling me to calm down!
Okay?
I just need to know this!
Just give me something.
Please.
Terry Bradshaw.
Four-time Super Bowl champion,
Terry Bradshaw?
Yeah.
The Enterprise Rent-A-Car
spokesman, Terry Bradshaw?
Fox sports TV commentator,
Terry Bradshaw?
Yep. Terry Bradshaw.
No, no, no.
(STAMMERS) That's insane!
We started dating
the fall of '74,
just after he gave up
his starting position
to Joe Gilliam.
There's no way she would know
who Joe Gilliam was.
Pete!
Wait, Mom, this is...
Do you realize
how incredible this is?
This is the guy
you loved growing up!
Gene, he had every poster
on the wall!
- I know...
- Can I get a smile now?
Now, will you relax?
- I love Terry Bradshaw.
- I know!
PETER: He's the greatest!
- KYLE: Yeah.
- Yup.
Which raises
the inevitable question,
why did you not
tell us
that the coolest man on Earth
was our father?
Well, he wasn't
the man you saw on TV.
He was violent.
He hit you?
No.
But as a football player
he was frequently violent.
As a football player?
Yeah, on Sundays.
Sometimes Monday nights.
Oh, on game days
he was violent... I got it.
Yeah, because
that was his job.
That's what he did
for a living!
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, my God!
Do you have any idea what
my life might have been like
with Terry Bradshaw
in the picture?
I might even be
in the NFL right now!
- Oh, come on!
- Well, we don't know!
You didn't even make
our middle school team.
That's because
I didn't have Terry Bradshaw
teaching me the fundamentals.
Oh, Peter, please,
just please...
My life is basically
crap right now,
and it's your fault.
That's not fair.
Pete. Hey!
Mom, let me talk to him.
KYLE: Hey, Pete!
Pete, come here for a second.
Hey, Pete,
where are you going?
Come on, you got to apologize.
Apologize for what?
Well, you're being
really tough on Mom.
Hey, what are you doing?
No! You're not driving.
Look, maybe I blew
my stack at Mom.
It's just...
She kept Dad from us.
I know.
What the hell?
You know how many times
I just wanted to know him?
I just wanted him
there to ask about
Ethan, about Katherine,
about...
About everything, you know?
Yeah, I know how much
you wanted that.
Yeah, I don't think you do,
man. I just... Well...
I can talk to him.
- Yeah.
- It's Terry Bradshaw.
I'm gonna go find him.
I'm gonna find Dad.
Great! Let's do it.
- Oh, no. You can't come.
- Oh, I'm coming.
You never gave
a shit about Dad.
He's my father, too!
I don't take
my orders from you.
I take them from the universe.
And the universe wants us
to go together.
You're not coming.
Wait, hold on,
wait, who was that?
Hello, yes?
It's the universe?
Yeah.
You want me
to go with my brother?
Pete doesn't want me to go.
- Fuck him?
- (CHUCKLES)
I know.
You said it with a wink.
Okay. I love you, too.
That was the universe.
Now where does he live?
Miami.
Done. Miami.
That's where we meet him.
- We're going to Miami.
- God damn it. Yes!
- Come on!
- KYLE: Fine.
You can come,
but don't be annoying.
Let me look at you. Kiss.
(KAYLANI CHUCKLES)
KYLE: Okay, what's our plan?
Um, we're still in good shape.
Mr. Bradshaw will be
at the grand opening
of North Miami Beach
Bradshaw Motors.
- Yeah.
- This afternoon.
Okay, well, that's where
we're gonna meet him.
Yup.
By the way, thank you
for letting me upgrade us.
I think you're gonna
love first class.
I think it's kind of
a waste of money.
Not when it's my money.
Look, Pete,
money is never wasted
when it's spent on
the ones you love.
Like a brother.
Or a jet ski.
Or a party boat.
Push play. Can I see that?
TERRY: I hate to run.
But not running is worse.
So, if I've got to run, it's
going to be in the most...
KYLE: (CHUCKLING)
Look at that Adonis.
That's our dad.
I can't believe it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Mr. Reynolds...
Oh, and Mr. Reynolds.
- Are you guys married?
- PETER: No.
We're just watching some
footage on our father.
We're on our way
to meet him
for the very first time.
So, we're a little nervous
and a whole lot excited.
(GASPS) Aren't you
just the sweetest thing.
If you think I'm sweet,
let me introduce you
to big bro here.
He is like a ripe
honeydew melon.
Ooh. A honeydew, huh?
I love honeydews.
Yeah, they're really yummy.
They're delicious.
There is this thing, though,
you should know about fruit.
A lot of melons in particular.
The skin
is a breeding ground
for bacteria,
E.coli and stuff.
It's just something
to be aware of, you know.
Something to keep in mind
in your fruit-related
endeavors moving forward.
He's a doctor.
Always saving lives.
Oh, a doctor.
Dr. Reynolds. (GIGGLES)
- I'll be careful.
- Yes.
You're welcome. Be careful.
(CHUCKLES)
God!
What are you doing?
What?
You guys had some chemistry.
I was trying to facilitate it.
I think it's called
being a wingman.
I don't need a wingman.
All right?
I'm not on this trip
to get laid.
Come on.
There was a little electricity
there between you two.
Did you notice
a little chemistry there
between them?
I bet she's a real cock tease.
Yeah, right. Stop projecting.
Listen,
how many women have you
been with since the divorce?
Ten?
Yup. Ten.
And it's been a year?
- Three.
- Ten in three years?
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
I'm really sorry.
I had no idea.
I'm being sarcastic.
I haven't had sex with anyone
since Katherine.
I haven't had sex with anyone
besides Katherine.
We got married in college.
Remember?
What?
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
Miami International Airport.
Peter, Peter, Peter,
is it like a physical thing?
- PETER: What?
- KYLE: Is it like a blood flow?
PETER: God, no!
No, my penis is fine!
Well, what is the deal?
Ever since the divorce,
I've been a little
depressed, okay?
That makes sense.
And it just...
Don't patronize me, okay?
You wouldn't know
anything about that.
Of course I do.
You don't think I know
what it's like
to be depressed?
The saddest
I've ever seen you is like...
I've never seen you sad!
You can't get into
a contest...
That is actually sad.
...on who's more sad
than the other guy.
That's weird!
No. It's weird
that you keep...
Dr. Reynolds, good luck
meeting your father.
Thanks. Good luck
with your uniform.
(FLIGHT ATTENDANTS GIGGLING)
No, I'm not going to let you
do that anymore.
Do what?
Just deliberately
self-sabotage. Okay?
The top mission
is still bonding with Dad.
Sub-mission
is getting you laid.
Mission below that is gonna be
having stone crabs.
Mission below that,
swimming with dolphins.
PETER: Hey, when we
get to the dealership,
you have to do
all the talking.
KYLE: You cannot be nervous,
Peter. He's a regular guy,
just like us.
TERRY: There you go.
Thank you.
Don't forget to buy a car.
Just kidding. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, fellas, how you doing?
Hi, Terry Bradshaw.
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Is he okay?
Aw! Bless his heart.
You're one of my special fans,
aren't you?
Hey, bub.
How you doing? God bless you.
Oh, no. He's not special.
No, no. I am special, Pete.
We're both special.
Do I know you?
Oh, I don't think so.
I'd remember.
TERRY: Really? Are you sure?
You really do look familiar.
- Show him.
- PETER: Yeah.
Well, um...
Do you remember a woman
named Helen Baxter?
Helen Baxter?
Helen Baxter...
Oh, my God.
Wow.
God.
Well, talk about
a blast from the past.
(BOTH GASP)
This woman was something else.
She had the tightest ass
you've ever seen.
I mean, awesome.
Yeah, but Helen was
much more than that.
She had a mouth.
Oh!
And a tongue. Oh!
(CHUCKLING)
And I'm telling you,
it damn near cost us
the Super Bowl.
Well, Mom was
a Browns fan so...
Did you say
that Helen is your mother?
Yeah.
Well, technically, I said it,
sir, because we're...
We're both her sons.
We're twins.
You're Helen Baxter's son?
We're both her boys, yes.
That is...
That is what
we are saying. Yes.
How is she?
- Well, she's great.
- Yeah.
You know, uh,
she just got married.
And she's a lot different
than how you remember her.
That's for sure.
KYLE: Just a little.
Oh, my...
KYLE: Say it.
Say it.
You're my son, aren't you?
I... I think so.
Well, technically,
we both are because,
like I was saying earlier,
we're twins.
We're both her sons.
You're my son.
Yes.
(GASPS)
Come here. Come here.
Oh, this is just amazing.
Oh, my God.
I had no idea
that she was even pregnant.
You gotta believe me.
Helen never...
She never said a word.
We know. Don't worry about it.
I mean, I can't believe this.
I mean, you guys have been
out there the whole time.
- It's really emotional.
- I know, yeah.
I already have a son.
His name is Trent.
But he's kind of a nob.
Do you know what I'm saying?
So is my son.
Oh, man.
Do you have any plans?
You guys got anything to do?
No.
Look, why don't you come over
to the house,
and we'll have
some food and drinks.
- What do you say?
- That would be incredible.
- Great. Yeah.
- Okay?
Uh... (STAMMERING)
Pete, why don't you
ride with me.
And, Donald... Donald,
you can just follow, okay?
Okay. It's Kyle.
Is this your car?
Yeah. This is a '75 Stingray.
It's my favorite car!
Literally!
You like it? Really?
Here. You drive.
Donald,
see if you can keep up.
- It's still Kyle.
- Come on. Let's go.
You like this, huh? (LAUGHS)
This is amazing, Mr. Bradshaw!
Please.
Just call me Terry, okay?
PETER: All right!
Well then Terry it is!
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- Whoo!
KYLE: Okay,
take it easy, lead foot.
I'm in a Ford Focus here.
Damn it, slow it down!
(TERRY LAUGHS)
TERRY: Hey, hey, I'm home!
Did you pick up the
fresh garlic I needed?
The fresh garlic.
No, I didn't get
the fresh garlic.
Got something better, though.
Oh, what did you pick up?
I picked up a son. (CHUCKLES)
Pete. Say hi, Pete.
Hi.
How are you?
(CHUCKLES) Pete.
This is a joke. Right?
No, no, this is not a joke.
His mother and I used to have
unprotected sex all the time.
Don't worry, Pete. All right?
She knows
all about my crazy past.
I'm Peter Reynolds.
So glad to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, Peter.
Sweetie, could I have a word
with you in the kitchen?
- Me? Okay.
- Yeah.
Hey, Pete,
make yourself at home.
My home is
your home now. (CHUCKLES)
My home is your home now.
- Can you believe I said that?
- Yeah, I heard that.
I think we need to,
kind of, just talk.
TERRY: What?
What do you wanna talk...
Listen, sweetie,
this is insane, okay?
You can't just invite somebody
into our home.
I mean, he could be, like,
a con artist
looking for money.
- Money? You're serious?
- Yes. Did you think about...
- Yes.
- No way.
Pete!
Do you need money?
Are you here to rob us?
Oh, no, I'm good.
I'm a physician actually.
Did you hear that?
My boy is a doctor. (LAUGHS)
You're a doctor, son.
Proud of you!
Thanks!
TERRY: I've got
a doctor in my family.
Go deep, Pete! Deep, deep!
- (GRUNTS)
- (TERRY WHOOPS)
Nice grab, Pete!
Atta boy! Great catch, son.
Way to go, babe.
I gotta tell you, Pete.
Had a bit of a colon cancer
scare a few years back.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Thank God I had a good GI doc.
I know you guys, you know,
you catch a lot of guff.
But, man,
it's a noble profession.
Noble as heck.
Really appreciate
you're saying that.
Really do.
Be cool, man.
You know, when I first came
into the league,
I was a bit of a hot head.
I mean, it didn't take so much
as a slight breeze,
and God, I'd go off.
Hey, say hello to this guy.
Mr. Powder Keg.
Horrible temper.
Shut the fuck up.
TERRY: Your mother, boy,
she had this amazing
patience about her.
She had this way of channeling
all my anger
into things that were good.
Not only on the field,
but, you know, off the field.
God!
That woman
just drove me crazy sometimes.
That sounds like Mom.
I know one thing.
I wouldn't have made it
through a single season
had it not been for your mom.
That's the truth.
God, I loved that woman.
I really did.
Wow. That's...
That's beautiful.
Hey, Terry.
Hey, you want to see
someone who can catch,
hit me on a bomb.
Go, go.
- Oh!
- (KYLE GROANS)
(TERRY AND PETER GASP)
KYLE: God! (GROANS)
Sorry, son.
Old habits die hard.
Rod Hamilton.
Big fan.
I played 10 years
with that guy.
He missed me so much,
the bastard
moved in next door.
- (LAUGHS)
- Hey! You still got it, Rod!
He caught the ball.
I love it.
He's still on the juice, baby.
He's still on the juice.
(LAUGHTER)
To Rod.
PETER: Just demolished you.
You son of a bitch.
You need some Advil.
Hey, Rod.
Does the name
Helen Baxter ring a bell?
Ring a bell?
It does more than ring a bell.
I think I just
came in my pants.
- No, Rod...
- ROD: Damn, man.
That woman could fuck.
TERRY: Oh, Rod,
you really might...
ROD: Look, the woman
was like a dick whisperer.
Like, she'd get all up inside
the head of the dick
and know exactly
what it wanted.
Yeah, she'd get
all up in that shaft,
and then in them balls
and in the tip.
Ooh. I'm getting hard
just thinking about it.
So, what makes you think
about Helen Baxter?
- She's our mom.
- Yeah.
I don't know no Helen Baxter.
Sounds like you did.
All we did was cuddle.
Word.
(STAMMERS) It's okay, Rod,
you didn't know.
It's a little awkward,
but, yeah, she's our mom.
Hey, Rod, turns out,
I'm their father.
- KYLE: That's right.
- How about that?
These are my boys.
How about that?
- Whoa! (CHUCKLES)
- TERRY: Yeah!
Congratulations.
Thank you. Cheers.
Evidently, I knocked Helen up
sometime after Super Bowl IX.
Yeah, we were reading,
that's when you went off
to Australia
to record the country
and western album.
Cowboys and Kangaroos,
I believe was the name.
That shit was awful,
wasn't it?
You realize what that means...
What?
We were conceived
in Australia.
- KYLE: Yeah.
- PETER: We're Aussies.
Out in the outback.
TERRY: No, Pete.
You know,
now that I think of it,
Helen didn't make that trip.
We got in this big fight
'cause she didn't
have a passport.
God, I was such a jerk to her.
ROD: Wait, wait.
Isn't that when she started
dating the Wall Street guy?
Yeah, that skinny,
white dude,
he used to throw around
his money and coke.
Roland.
Yeah, yeah, Roland.
Roland Hunt, asshole.
- Nobody liked him.
- No.
Yeah.
What? No.
Terry.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look at him.
He actually looks like Roland.
No, I don't.
You know, you do.
You do, Pete.
The, uh, eyes?
The nose?
ROD: The peanut head.
TERRY: The long, skinny neck.
ROD: The mouth?
TERRY: Yeah. The mouth.
No, he's right.
You just said Roland was an
asshole, nobody liked him.
Why would Mom sleep with him?
Charity fuck? I don't know.
No, no.
We already figured this out.
Terry is our dad.
You're our dad, right?
Uh... No.
TERRY: Gosh, fellas.
I don't know what to say.
I'm so sorry
I'm not your dad. Really.
- That's all right.
- Yeah.
- It's not your fault.
- Donald. Thanks.
It's still Kyle.
Was that fun, throwing
the ball on the beach?
So fun.
You guys are good, good hands.
I thought it was a blast.
I love you, Terry.
Yeah. Okay.
KYLE: We'll see you
down the road.
All right, man. All right.
Y'all be good, hear?
You take care, Mr. Bradshaw.
I will.
Hey, tell your mom I said hi.
All right?
Yeah.
All right. See you guys!
Hey, maybe you'll get along
even better with Roland.
Aren't you bummed out
Terry Bradshaw's not our dad?
How fucking cool
would that be?
KYLE: Listen,
the universe
is saying look 'em up.
And the universe has
a tendency to point you
in the right direction
if you listen to it.
(KYLE SIGHS)
PETER:
I found a Roland Hunt,
investment banker,
in Beacon, New York.
Two hours north of Manhattan.
KYLE: All right, looks like
we're going to New York.
Make it quick!
I'm pulling out in 30 seconds.
Time me.
I want to get to Roland's
office by noon.
Twelve. 13. 14.
- (URINATING)
- (EXHALES)
MAN: Alex, stop it.
Stop it, Alex.
Get back here right now.
No! It stinks!
(KYLE LAUGHING)
You got a jail break there.
MAN: Sorry, man.
I'd come out if I could.
Just let me know
if he's bothering you.
He's doing good.
I actually got
a bun in the oven, too.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Whoa. I got a call.
Alex, excuse me.
Kapono, talk to me.
(KAPONO CHATTERING ON PHONE)
What? No, no,
you're breaking up.
They're going another way?
What does that mean?
(URINE SLOSHING)
Hey! Whoa, whoa! Hey! Whoa!
I've got flip-flops on!
MAN: Is he peeing on you?
Yeah, has he done this before?
MAN: Unfortunately, yes.
It's a real problem.
Sir, this is crazy,
but you're going to
have to pee on my kid.
You want me
to pee on your kid?
MAN: Please, dad to dad.
He needs to
learn consequences.
I'm not going to...
Do you hear that, Alex?
Is that what you want?
Stop!
There! Yeah.
Chaos theory.
He started it.
I swear. This is justified.
Hey. That kid had it coming.
How much did Ethan cost?
Well, we didn't buy him.
To raise him. I know
you guys didn't buy him.
Um, well...
Four more years
of private school,
four years of college,
tutors, summer camp.
Every single Apple product
that ever comes out.
Uh, once all said and done,
we're probably pushing a mil.
A million dollars?
To raise a kid?
What do you care?
You're loaded.
Besides,
"Money's never wasted
on the ones you love." Right?
No, I know. I was just worried
about you and Ethan.
Good thing Roland's
a financial wizard, right?
PETER: I thought
we were going to his office.
This is all residential.
KYLE: Maybe
he works from home.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Destination is on your right.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Why are you copying me?
- I just did that.
- I'm not copying you.
I did all of those things.
You weren't
touching this thing.
This is cold.
So?
I don't think anyone's
been here for hours.
Door knob tell you that?
These are painted shut.
PETER: So, what?
Kyle, where are you going?
Come on! Kyle.
This is locked.
Of course it's locked.
He's not home.
Come on. What are you doing?
You hear those vibrations?
You're hearing vibrations?
'Cause I'm getting
a weird vibe.
Oh. Oh, God.
Looks like you picked the
wrong house, motherfuckers.
Pete, don't do anything funny.
Why would you
put that in his head?
KYLE: No karate.
Fucking no karate.
I haven't done karate
in 30 years.
He's got a gun.
And that beats karate.
Shut the fuck up.
What the fuck kind of B & E
guys are you two assholes?
We're not robbers.
We're just looking for a guy
named Roland Hunt. That's it.
What do you want with him?
He dated our mom,
Helen Baxter, in the '70s.
Oh, shit!
You guys are
Lenny Baxter's kids?
You called her Lenny?
You're Roland Hunt?
I can't believe I almost shot
one of Lenny Baxter's kids!
That is hilarious.
And gave this one
a heart attack.
Yeah.
Almost took you both out.
- Two for one.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
I mean, I guess
you probably don't think
it's that funny, but...
Oh, fuck, yeah,
I'm sorry about the gun.
Listen, I only got this
because we got
a lot of break-ins
in the neighborhood.
Got it for protection.
Better safe than sorry.
Honestly, I don't even like
holding the thing.
Here, you take it.
- No, no, no.
- Come on in the house, boys.
KYLE: I thought
you were gonna flip him.
You're dangerous.
Mom! We got company!
Mom!
Mom!
Could that be Grandma?
MRS. HUNT: Hello!
KYLE: Hi!
Roland!
They got a fucking gun!
- No.
- Don't hold it like that.
Drop the fucking gun,
motherfucker.
Fuck! It's just the gun
you handed me,
like, a minute ago.
Oh, right. Yes. God damn it.
So sorry. Shit!
I don't know
what's going on with me.
It's tense with
all the break-ins
in the neighborhood.
I'm really sorry.
Putting this down.
You should've seen
your faces, though.
You looked like
you shit yourselves.
They looked scared as shit.
- Right?
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Come on and say hi to Mom.
You're holding it in
such a threatening way.
You can't do that.
Hey, Mom, it's okay.
These are Lenny Baxter's kids.
You remember Lenny?
Oh, Lenny.
What a sweet man!
So, what are you doing here?
Is everything okay
with your mom?
Everything's good.
We're on a quest.
And I'll just
cut right to the chase.
Did you know Lenny
between April and May of 1975?
Know her, like,
in a biblical sense.
Sorry.
No, she's heard it all.
Okay.
Yeah. '75, that sounds
about right. Yeah.
Why do you ask?
We think we're your sons.
Your boys.
Me and Pete.
You're our dad.
(SIGHS)
Hi.
(KYLE INHALES DEEPLY)
Will you just excuse me
for a minute?
That was one of
the most powerful things
I've ever seen.
He just inhaled us.
Yeah.
Did you smell him?
- You smelled him?
- Yes!
What did he smell like?
He smelled like
- home.
- Home?
- ROLAND: Fuck this! No!
- (OBJECTS SHATTERING)
There is no fucking way
those two jackasses
are my kids!
They don't even
fucking look like me!
MRS. HUNT:
The one with the beard
has your beautiful eyes.
ROLAND: Big fucking deal.
Fuck 'em! They look like
a couple of total
fucking dickheads!
Oh... We are not
descended from that.
That's not our dad.
Would you boys like
anything to drink?
I would love a Hinano beer.
I'll see if we have one.
It's an awesome Tahitian beer.
She is so adorable.
I'm out of here.
If he is our father,
I don't want to know.
Come on, Pete.
He's in shock, all right?
I'm getting good energy here.
Based on what?
We are all out of Mojumbo.
But
Roland has something
that he'd like to say to you.
(QUIETLY) I'm sorry.
MRS. HUNT:
I don't think they heard you.
I'm sorry!
Well, three time's the charm.
Oh, this is just
such a blessing.
I'm finally a grandma.
Well, I'm gonna go finish up.
Well, listen.
It's a pleasure. Really.
Something I want to show
you guys. Come here.
Go ahead, guys.
After you.
(WHISPERS) Are you happy?
He's gonna kill us down here.
He's not going to kill us.
Yes, he is.
Is there a light down here?
ROLAND: No, that bulb's out.
You can use
your phone, I guess.
KYLE: Did you bring the gun?
PETER: No,
I did not bring the gun.
- KYLE: Damn it.
- PETER: I left it upstairs.
ROLAND: Take a left
at the bottom of the stairs.
PETER: Oh, my God.
Why are there mannequins?
KYLE: Pete, I'm scared.
PETER: How are
the vibes now, Kyle?
KYLE: Not good.
There we go.
Now...
I think this is it.
Pete, you want to
do the honors?
(SCREAMS)
ROLAND: Oh, shit!
That is the wrong box.
Sorry.
Uh...
Gotta be this one.
Okay.
I'll do it for you.
No rodents.
Go ahead.
Is that Mom?
What?
Oh, my God.
Look at you guys.
You look incredible.
Yeah, she looks really happy.
She was
just an amazing woman.
Okay.
You don't have to tell us
what an amazing lay she was,
and how suckable
her candied nipples are...
What the hell is the matter...
This is your mom
we're talking about. Jesus.
Pete! That's not appropriate!
Sorry, Roland.
ROLAND: Whatever, anyway.
(SIGHS) My point being,
she's the only woman
I ever truly loved.
Oh, man.
I think that's why I got
a little kind of
bent out of shape
upstairs there
when you guys dropped
the bombshell on me,
and, honestly,
I was just kind of
regretting
what might have been.
Hmm.
I mean, I'm not
exactly living the dream here.
PETER: Sometimes, um...
You just...
Sometimes
you just find yourself
not where you want to be.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Thanks, Pete.
Well, I got a work thing,
guys. I gotta go. Sorry.
What, you got like a little
Wall Street deal going on?
ROLAND: No. I'll tell you
what I've learned.
You've got to diversify.
And I don't care
if you're making
10 grand a year or 10 million.
You don't want it
all coming from one place.
That's how guys get burned.
Really?
PETER: Oh, yeah. Don't want
all your eggs in one basket.
Come on.
ROLAND: Lately,
I've been doing
a lot of work with creditors.
Helping them to
reacquire merchandise
when the debtor can no longer
afford the payments.
KYLE: Oh, like a repo man.
ROLAND: Yeah, exactly.
Of course now, I gotta call
a fucking cab
just to do this job.
KYLE: We can
give you a ride, right?
ROLAND: Oh, no, I couldn't
impose on you guys.
PETER: Oh, come on.
Besides, it can be dangerous,
repo work.
You know, people don't like
having their stuff
taken from them.
Hey, people don't like having
their anuses probed either,
but that's how I've made
a living the last 12 years.
As a doctor.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Come on. Let us help you.
So, what happens
if they show up
while you're doing this?
Well...
Hope for the best, prepare
for the worst, you know?
If he does show up,
you can expect to hear
some top-shelf bullshit.
Is that right?
"Repossessed? I've never even
missed a payment!
"Got to be a computer error."
That is classic bullshit.
ROLAND: They're late
on their child support,
they'll even deny
they have kids.
PETER: What?
God! Just sick.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Got to love that sound,
huh, Pete?
- There you go.
- Oh, wow!
Plus, there's only
going to be room for
- two of us, so who draws...
- KYLE: Shotgun!
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
ROLAND: No, no. No worries.
We're within
our legal rights here.
Just doing our jobs.
What the fuck you doing
to my property?
Your car's being repossessed.
I'd advise you
to just stand back
and let us do our jobs.
You're going to
repossess my car?
I've never missed
a single payment.
Guys, this has got to be
some kind of computer error.
Check your little computer
things, and you'll find out.
Two for two.
PETER: My God!
Word on the street is
you even missed
your child support payments.
Come on, man.
Hey, genius,
I don't have any kids.
I'm sorry. Paying your bills,
very basic adult
responsibility.
- Yup. Well said, Pete.
- Thank you.
This is insanity.
I'm calling the police.
Well, feel free,
but it is going to be
pretty embarrassing
when I show them
the paperwork.
I left it in the car.
Kyle, can I have the keys?
And I'll run down there
and get it.
PETER: Give him the keys.
Thank you.
And make sure they don't
escape in the old Ferrari.
Make sure I don't
steal my own car.
We got this. We got this.
- Yeah, Pete's got this.
- Deadbeat asshole.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Let me tell you something,
McEnroe,
you're not too big to fail.
That's right.
You failed today.
Because we're taking
your Ferrari.
You just double faulted.
And the bank broke your serve.
- You know what, buddy?
- What?
Life isn't about
just accumulating stuff.
All right?
The fast cars
and the big house in Hawaii
and the white clothes
and the model girlfriend.
This is freaking New York!
This is my wife. Hello.
You think I'm a model?
Well, he doesn't think you're
a model, you're 5'2".
Yeah, she's got
a wedding ring.
I didn't see the wedding ring.
Oh, my God. You know what?
This ain't worth it.
Fine, you guys are right.
I'll just cut you a check.
Could we just
end this, please?
Do me a favor,
go get the check book.
It's in the closet.
My side of the bed, please?
- Okay.
- Thank you.
All good.
ROLAND: Yeah, it's me.
That Ferrari didn't work out.
You know anybody who can move
a Chevy Malibu?
All right, call me back.
You gotta be kidding me.
Damn it, Lenny.
Where's Roland?
He's coming.
- WOMAN: Honey!
- MAN: Yeah?
I've got the check book.
- Great.
- (PETER AND KYLE YELP)
Come on, let's go!
Give me the gun.
Don't point it at me!
- We're taking the Ferrari!
- Pete!
Do it for Dad!
Come on!
Babe, give me the gun!
- Shit!
- Go, go, go!
Let go of the fucking gun!
Stop!
Roland, we got it!
We got the car!
(GROANS)
Stop!
MAN: Oh, shit.
God!
What was that?
I think it was a person.
Roland!
Oh, my God, you killed Dad!
- Roland!
- Dad!
Dial 911!
So, I guess Dad's a bad guy.
Oh, yeah.
I understand
how Luke Skywalker felt now.
Yeah, seriously.
She's really beautiful.
KYLE: She looks great here.
Glowing.
Roland even looks good.
Who's this?
Who's this guy
with the scratched out face?
Excuse me, Doc.
Doc, any word?
Well, the good news is that
he's in stable condition.
- Great!
- Okay. All right.
The bad news, however,
is that his blood
is AB positive.
What? That doesn't sound...
No, no, it's just that
the blood you gave
is O negative.
Negative? Mine is?
It means that, uh,
he can't be our father.
Genetically.
DOCTOR: You can go in
and see him if you like.
Thank you.
You're awake.
How you doing there, champ?
Mmm, feeling no pain.
Yeah.
Sorry we ran over you.
And sorry
you're going to jail.
Be good to get off
the hamster wheel.
KYLE: I hear ya.
PETER: Hey, Roland,
let me ask you something.
When did you know
that we weren't yours?
I don't know,
like, two minutes ago
when the doc told me.
PETER: Unbelievable.
So, as far as you knew,
you were intentionally duping
your own sons into
committing a felony?
Yeah. So? Whatever.
Don't be such
a fucking pussy about it.
My dad was an asshole, too.
He ran out, he was a crook.
Life sucks. Life is hard.
Get over it.
Life is hard, Pete.
Wait a minute. You know what?
Fuck! I should've known
you guys weren't mine.
'75 you said, right?
Spring of '75?
Right.
I started dating Lenny in '74.
By the spring of '75,
I was doing
my first stint in the joint.
I got busted dealing coke
in this nightclub
by some fucking disco-permed,
roller-skating,
motherfucking narc.
KYLE: Wait.
You mean this guy.
ROLAND: Yeah. That's the guy.
I don't know what pissed me
off more, he put me in jail
or he started
schtupping your mom
the second I was behind bars.
This guy was schtupping
our mother?
Hey. (SIGHS)
That guy is your fucking dad.
I should've known. You look
like a couple of junior narcs.
Well, do you have a name?
Give me 1,000 bucks
and I'll tell you.
- Fuck you! Come on, Kyle.
- Pete...
Okay, nice meeting you.
Roland...
Would you take $400?
- Sparkly P?
- KYLE: Yup.
You just paid Roland
$1,000 for the name Sparkly P!
You got conned, Kyle!
I paid him $680
and I had $1,000.
I conned him. Yeah!
And now I think we're ready
to make a little inquiry
into this Sparkly P character.
Yeah? Where? The white pages?
Huh? The glitter store?
Do you realize
how insane you sound?
We're going home!
KYLE: You're just
gonna give up?
We almost got killed!
We? Roland almost got killed.
What are you talking about?
We just had one of the best
adventures of our lives.
No, we didn't.
What happened to
Mr. "I won't rest
until we find our dad"?
The universe
doesn't like quitters, Pete.
You know what?
Fuck the universe!
The universe sucks!
Don't say that.
You realize this whole time
it's been telling us it's time
to shut down Operation
Who's Your Daddy?
That's a good name
for it, Pete.
That's a good name
for the quest.
But before we close the book
on Operation Who's Your Daddy,
let me say one thing, Pete...
It's too late.
Kyle, book is closed.
- That's it?
- Yup. That's it.
- You don't want to hear it?
- No!
I got us on the 10:00 p.m.
flight out of JFK.
That is what we're doing.
KYLE: Look at this poor guy.
No one will even give him
the time of day.
Well, we're not stopping.
We're not picking up
a hitchhiker.
What do you think
is gonna happen?
You think he's gonna just
murder you, rob you, rape you?
Yeah. All three.
Okay, all of the above.
Look at him.
I am looking at him.
You know somebody
your whole life,
and then you wake up
and you realize
you've been
lying next to a racist.
What?
It's not 'cause he's black.
It's 'cause he's a stranger
and a hitchhiker
and could very easily
be a serial killer.
There are
no black serial killers, Pete.
That's a fact.
PETER: Just don't make
eye contact, please?
Because then
I'll have to pull over,
and it'll be awkward
and we'll have to give him
a ride and all that. Just...
You're looking
in his direction.
I'm not looking.
PETER: You're totally
turning your head.
- My eyes are wandering.
- PETER: I'm watching you.
Look this way.
- KYLE: Pete, I'm not looking.
- Look out the left.
You're totally
looking right at him.
KYLE: My peripheral vision.
Oh, God damn it!
What? I didn't look at him!
- Ah, he got me.
- KYLE: What?
(GRUNTS) I blew it.
That one's on me.
- KYLE: You made eye contact?
- PETER: Yeah.
Shit.
We're still not
picking him up,
so let him down easy.
Hey, how you doing?
You stopped. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you both.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you so much.
Even if you don't
give me ride,
thank you just for stopping.
I was beginning to think
black was the new
invisible out here.
You know what I mean?
The gesture means a lot.
Where are you headed?
North. Worcester, Mass.
Just trying to get to my kid's
birthday tomorrow.
We're really sorry.
We're going south.
We're going to JFK, so...
How about this?
There's a train station,
it's like two miles south.
You take me there?
Now, I don't see why...
Are you fucking crazy?
I'm gonna have to ask you...
We got a Nervous Nelly here.
So I know this is gonna sound
like a funny question,
but are you a serial killer?
No. No.
I get it. There's a lot of
nuts out there.
I am a stranger,
I am a hitchhiker...
Satisfied?
...but I swear to you,
I am not a serial killer.
- Hmm...
- Well, did you notice how you
emphasized the word "serial,"
which makes it sound like
you're a killer,
just not a serial one.
Oh, man, okay.
Now that was
totally unintentional.
I promise you that.
Didn't mean that.
But you're still not saying,
"I'm not a killer."
It seems like that's what
a non-killer would say.
I'm an idiot, man. Idiot!
I've been
a non-killer too long
to not know
the non-killer rules.
You know what I mean?
How about this?
We'll give you a ride...
Are you fucking crazy?
Let me finish, Pete.
We can give you
a ride to the station,
but, and this is
a pretty big but,
only if we can tie you up.
That way you can't rape
or kill or murder
Mr. Paranoia here.
Uh...
KYLE: You okay?
Those aren't too tight,
are they?
Almost kill you.
Can't kill you.
(CHUCKLING)
KYLE: Don't even joke around
with our driver.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm still not getting
a phone signal here.
Are you sure there's
a train station this way?
100%. I grew up one town over.
I used to play ice hockey
at the rink across the street.
Just make a left up there.
PETER: I don't see
street signs.
We are fucked.
Fucked!
We're gonna miss our flight.
- Take it easy, Pete.
- Do you realize that?
Okay, then we'll catch
another one.
Okay? It's not a big deal.
Classic Kyle! Nothing's ever
a big deal. Must be nice.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am sensing
a very disturbing vibe here.
Pete, are you mad at your
brother about something?
Yes! I'm mad!
And it's probably obvious.
There's like a rage pulsing
through his entire body.
Classic Pete right here.
Luckily, I'm sort of
the Pete whisperer.
I always know
how to calm this guy down.
- Ah...
- HITCHHIKER: Good.
Let me turn on a little music
and just lullaby you
into just relaxing.
- PETER: Wow.
- KYLE: There.
A, please don't patronize me
and B, no music, okay?
I just need
to focus right now.
Well, I think music
will help you guys relax.
- (SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
- Makes a great point.
You can't focus
if you're too tense, Pete.
I just need it quiet, okay?
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
What are you, 10?
Can't you just
listen to music?
No! I don't want
to listen to music.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (MUSIC STOPS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(VOLUME INCREASES)
(TIRES SCREECH)
Enough with the
fucking radio, Kyle!
(KEYS CLINKING)
Oh, that was...
That was brilliant.
Go get 'em, you idiot.
I'm not gonna go get 'em.
Untie me, I'll go get 'em.
We're not gonna get the keys
until you tell me what
your problem is with me.
We're going to be here a while
because I have a million
problems with you.
- Like what?
- Yeah. Elaborate, Pete.
All you've ever done is rub
your amazing life in my face.
Your trophies and your friends
and your black Amex
and your sunsets.
Sorry for sending you sunsets.
I love sunsets.
Growing up was literally
like watching
The Kyle Reynolds Show
24 hours a day.
Girls just liked you more.
Pete, I thought you liked
hearing about my hook-ups
the same way I liked hearing
about your hook-ups.
What hook-ups?
The girl you went out with
in ninth grade.
Remember her, with the
glasses and the bad skin?
- Pamela Hartley.
- Yes!
Yeah, she only dated me
to get to you.
And guess what? The second
her skin cleared up,
he banged her.
Not cool, Kyle.
I'm Team Peter.
You even had
the balls to come home
and brag about
how you nailed her
in the back of a Papa John's.
That girl that
I messed around with
at Papa John's
didn't even wear glasses.
Mistaken identity.
Back on Team Kyle.
PETER: Guess what?
Junior year, she got contacts
and her skin cleared up
and you banged her
right after having a sausage
lover's pizza, apparently.
"This chick loves
sausage, Pete."
I don't remember that.
If I have to hear
about your goddamn
barbeque sauce fortune
one more time.
The picture on the bottles
could be literally anybody!
And you've lucked out
your entire life.
The way you've lived,
you should be broke
and homeless,
not chillaxing on a beach
with your perfect girlfriend
and your perfect house
and your soon-to-be
perfect family!
Fuck you!
Stop blaming me
for everything.
You know, just because you
think your life sucks. Okay?
Take some responsibility
for some of the
decisions you made.
You decide to
go ahead and marry
the first girl
you ever mess around with,
and then, big shocker,
it doesn't work out?
You decide to look at
assholes for a living.
That's my fault?
Spent your whole life
trying to impress a dead guy.
It's not my fault.
It's your fault.
In fact, maybe if you tried
to be like me
a little bit more,
you wouldn't be
such a miserable dick!
And your son
wouldn't hate you!
(GROANS)
God damn it.
(GROANS) God damn it!
You broke my glasses.
Fuck!
Guys, use your words.
Fuck you, Kyle!
I hate conflict.
PETER: Fuck you!
Asshole!
Hey, guys, my Negro
spider senses is tingling.
(BELL DINGING)
I think we may be
on a choo-choo track.
PETER: While you were lying on
a beach in Maui, I was home,
taking care of Mom!
I don't like this.
Yup, that is definitely
a choo-choo train.
Mom is an independent
vibrant sexual woman!
Okay.
KYLE: Stop taking care
of people!
It's not the soul train, guys.
You want to stop fighting
and look out the window...
Motherfuckers, we're on the
motherfucking railroad tracks!
- There's a train coming!
- (TRAIN HONKING)
There is a train!
Get me off the tracks!
Train. Pete, get out!
Help! Now!
- Get out!
- (HONKING INTENSIFIES)
My seatbelt!
Kyle!
Kyle!
(SOBBING)
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
KYLE: Pete!
Pete!
PETER: Kyle!
Pete!
Kyle!
Pete!
Yes!
Yeah!
(PETER GROANS)
KYLE: No. They're literally
replacing me
with a monkey or a seal,
some kind of animal.
Because apparently animals
don't get residuals.
A monkey can't do your job.
How much do you have left?
Not as much as I owe.
Yeah, I'll probably
have a repo man
showing up at my house
in a few weeks.
Take my Ferraris back.
Ferraris, plural?
Three.
- You are incorrigible.
- (CHUCKLING)
I'm just an idiot, Pete.
You said so yourself.
You're not an idiot, Kyle.
You're not, you're just...
What?
You're overly optimistic.
That's all.
That's a nice way to put it.
Well, I don't know.
Who am I kidding?
I honestly started thinking
that Kaylani and our kid
would be better off
without me.
Maybe I ought to
just bail now.
For their sake because then,
maybe, Kaylani
could tell the kid a cool
story the way Mom did.
"Yeah, your dad was base
jumping into a volcano
"and the lava got him."
Or I was a brilliant doctor,
like you.
You have the kindest heart of
anyone I have ever met.
And a little while ago,
I thought I lost you forever,
and it was the worst feeling
I've ever felt.
No one's better off
without you, Kyle.
You're gonna be a great dad.
You know how you were always
asking Mom about Dad?
I wasn't that curious.
I think because I had you.
What?
Yeah, I had a lot of friends
and girlfriends
and people that love me
because I'm, kind of,
you know,
bon vivant, a raconteur,
or whatever you want to say.
But you never thought
I was any of those things,
but you were still there.
Getting on me.
"Hey! Don't jump off the roof
into the pool.
"You'll break your neck.
"Here, let me show you
how to tie your tie."
Always kind of thought
that was the type of stuff
our dad would've been saying.
I'm sorry about your glasses.
Don't be.
I don't need them.
What do you mean?
I don't need glasses.
I have 20/20 vision.
What?
Yeah, I just had this image
of who I thought I should be
and glasses fit the bill.
There you go.
That's why you're brilliant.
Why did I wear glasses
for 20 years?
KYLE: Because you're an idiot.
I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm a big dumb idiot.
Boom! That's right.
"Oh, my God! I'm still alive!"
And that's basically
how it all went.
It's crazy. This is one night
we're talking about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess we missed our flight.
You want to check
and see when the next one is?
Nope.
I feel
very confident
that the universe
is telling us to proceed
with Operation
Who's Your Daddy.
Are you messing with me?
We started
this goddamn mission
to find our father together,
and we are gonna
finish it together.
Come hell or high water.
God damn it,
that's the spirit!
Let's do this!
PETER: We're going in!
KYLE: We're going in!
PETER: This is happening!
PETER: Thank you
for driving all the way
out here with the new rental.
Appreciate it.
OFFICER 1: Okay, guys,
I think these might be yours?
Yes, sir. Thank you.
All right.
That's gonna be one big
fucking insurance mess.
But we got everything we need,
so you're free to go.
Thanks a lot, officers.
It's no problem.
Really appreciate it.
What now?
How do we find Sparkly P?
- Leg work.
- Yes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you just say "Sparkly P"?
Yeah.
- The police officer...
- From the '70s?
Yeah.
You've heard of him?
Are you kidding me?
There's not a cop in the
whole state who hasn't.
OFFICER 2: Yeah.
Patrick O'Callaghan
aka Sparkly P.
Had one of the biggest
coke busts in history.
We spent like two weeks
studying him
back in the academy.
The guy's a legend.
Holy shit, Pete.
We could be Irish.
Yes!
I'm Irish, too,
on my sister's side.
You know where to find him?
So, I just talked to my buddy
in the force
and apparently
Mr. Patrick O'Callaghan
retired the NYPD back in '86.
This right here
is his last known address.
If anyone comes asking,
I didn't tell you shit.
I'm trusting you with this.
Don't fuck me.
Not gonna fuck you.
What?
What?
- Guess where he lives?
- Where?
You're not gonna believe this.
Worcester, Mass.
Worcester, Mass!
You've been leading us
there the whole time!
KYLE: It's the universe, Pete.
The universe is magic!
HITCHHIKER: I'm magic.
I'm a magic man.
PETER: All right. Okay.
I guess we're all going home.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Well,
thanks for letting me keep
a little souvenir.
Sure.
This has been magnificent.
Thank you, guys.
I appreciate your assistance.
Have a good night.
KYLE: Hey!
Yeah?
We don't even know your name.
Oh, Kyle,
you've known it
the whole time.
That's beautiful.
I think he's messing with us.
No, he's not.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No.
He was messing with us.
PETER: Ding!
KYLE: May we get a room?
Your cheapest room, please.
(VERY QUIETLY) Well, every
room in here is cheap, so...
Sorry?
(VERY QUIETLY) Every room
in here is really cheap.
Okay. Here you go.
We're gonna nab one from ya.
(VERY QUIETLY)
So, just the one room?
Mmm-hmm.
One night?
Yeah.
Two beds.
Oh. Um...
Can we still get food
and drinks at the bar?
(VERY QUIETLY)
Right back there behind you.
Food for about another
10 minutes,
and drinks till 2:00.
Till, sorry?
Till 2:00.
You're going to have to
speak up, Biz Markie,
'cause I can't hear you.
(VERY QUIETLY)
For 10 more minutes,
and drinks until 2:00.
Okay.
Hey, do you remember
when Mom tried to
teach us about sex?
Yeah. (LAUGHING)
You had already Papa John'd
half the girls at school
at that point.
Turns out, we probably
should have listened to her.
Amen.
It's like we passed up
basketball tips
from Michael Jordan,
as it turns out.
We really did.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm gonna hit the head.
Excuse me.
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi, excuse me.
I couldn't help but notice
that you're
crying.
No. I'm fine.
I often have
that effect on women.
Just not usually this fast.
Sorry. I'll leave you alone.
No. You know what,
please don't.
Just sit.
Buy me a drink.
All right.
Another...
Scotch on the rocks.
Oh, nice.
- Make that two.
- BARMAN: Right up.
Thank you.
So,
want to talk about it?
No.
No sob stories.
I like that rule.
Cheers.
No sob stories.
All right.
WOMAN: Do you
want to talk about
that?
- This?
- Mmm-hmm.
Uh... Well...
I can't.
Why?
Because I'm a secret agent.
I don't think you were
supposed to tell me that part.
- Well...
- (LAUGHS)
Why don't you
let me worry about
how secret agent-ing works,
seeing as how I am
the secret agent.
WOMAN: You're right.
You should see the other guy.
Sorry to interrupt, Peter.
I just got an urgent call
from the client.
I'm gonna have to go in.
Apparently old Gary Peterson
really shat the bed
on the LBJ proposal.
Guy's just useless.
He's been screwing up
since the beginning.
Anyway,
I'm gonna go in the office,
I'm probably going
to spend the night,
and I will see you
tomorrow, okay?
Are you sure?
I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
All right.
Was that the other guy?
He looks like shit.
That guy's actually
my partner.
He's another secret agent.
See, you keep saying "secret,"
but then you keep
telling me about it.
I am failing at this job.
I will tell you this...
I'm also a secret agent.
No!
Sent here to kill you.
What?
That drink, it's poison.
Wait, what?
Sorry.
You surreptitiously
poisoned me?
Surreptitiously.
You're so good.
I had no idea this is poison.
Yeah! That's, like,
almost all poison.
No, taste mine.
You'll taste the difference.
- Little bit.
- Yeah.
BOTH: Mmm.
Poison.
There is a little
difference, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I do taste that.
So, I'm sorry to tell you,
but two hours left to live.
Well, guess I'd better
make these two hours count.
Yeah, you better.
Yeah.
My name is Sarah.
Code name Babydoll.
Well, Sarah, my name's Peter.
Code name...
Pinky Pants.
I've heard about you.
Yeah, I'm legendary.
Well,
here's to your last two hours.
Hi. Hey! Can you see me?
- Aloha.
- Aloha.
Are you ready
for naked Facetime?
Yeah.
I'm wearing your favorite bra.
KYLE: Oh, my gosh.
Wait, why aren't you naked?
- Um...
- Where are you?
I'm actually in the car.
I'm just kind of settling in.
I'm trying to give Pete
a little privacy
because he met a girl.
- (KNOCKING)
- Oh.
Hey.
Got some
room service out here.
Yeah, bet you don't deliver
out to the parking lot
too much,
but I'm just trying to give
my brother some privacy.
Here, wave to Kaylani.
That's the room service guy.
Hi, room service dude.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay.
I might get some
breakfast later.
No problem.
KAYLANI: How's your trip been?
Hey, honey,
there's something
I need to tell you.
KAYLANI: Is everything okay?
No, everything's going great
with the trip.
(STAMMERING)
It's kind of a recent setback.
What's up?
I think it's gonna be
good, actually.
There's so many buttons.
- Here...
- Help.
I'll help and go
from the bottom.
- Here we go.
- Help.
Oh, God. That's really
slowing me down.
Oh, my God. You have buttons.
Listen, there's something
you should know.
- (SIGHS)
- What?
I don't manscape.
Well, what are we
working with?
Well, here you go.
Oh, no.
It is what it is.
Works for me.
(BOTH MOANING)
Ahoy!
Good morning.
Good morning.
Yes. Yes.
Any news to report?
Um...
(CHUCKLING)
You are incorrigible.
Where is she?
I don't know actually.
I woke up and she was gone.
You experienced
a pure one-night stand.
Do you know how rare that is?
You were visited by
an angel last night.
Plain and simple.
Well, she did,
she did leave a note.
"Thanks for a really
fun night. I needed it."
"I needed it!"
Guess who gave it to her?
This guy!
KYLE: I just like
seeing you giddy.
You're just gleeful.
This is the Pete
I've been trying to get.
Come on, Worcester!
Come on.
Okay.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have
arrived at your destination.
KYLE: This is it.
Sparkly P likes to party.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(EXHALING DEEPLY)
Breathe.
What is going on?
LIAM: Dad gets Clemens to come
and pitch batting practice
for us at the park.
Fucker beaned me,
like, twice but still
greatest day of my life.
Hey, fellas. Welcome.
PETER: Thank you.
There's beer, liquor.
There's food in the back.
Make yourselves at home.
(LIAM GRUNTS)
Hey, I am so fuckin' happy
you're my brother.
I love you so much.
LIAM: I love you too, bro.
You know.
Okay. Sorry to interrupt.
Do you know if Paddy's here?
Oh, yeah. Dad's inside.
Come on. He's in the study.
I'll take you over. Come on.
Oh, Dad's over there, guys.
So, how do you guys
know my dad?
Liam, Sean needs your help
changing the keg.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
Sorry, fellas,
my brother's a moron.
Hey. Watch your mouth.
That's my boyfriend
you're talking about.
My fuckin' 10-year-old
cousin can change a keg.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, man.
I'm sorry we're too late.
I would have really
loved to get to know you.
He seems like a good man.
Raised a good family.
Did he just die?
Presumably, yeah.
KYLE: Do you think he died
in the line of duty?
PRIEST: Paddy O'Callaghan
was many things
to many people.
There was no role
he treasured more
than being a father.
And I know there's no one
he would rather hear
from right now
than his dear sweet daughter.
Are you okay to talk, hon?
Thank you, Father.
My father and I
didn't always get along.
He was a cop
who saw the worst in people.
That's the girl
from last night.
SARAH: He practically
arrested this...
No.
PETER: That's Babydoll.
I saw...
Oh, my God.
We've all slept with
the wrong woman.
Yeah, but it's our sister.
No, I know. But I've slept
with some squirrelly women.
Super squirrelly.
PETER: It doesn't matter
how squirrelly they are,
they're not our sister.
No, listen to me.
It didn't happen, okay?
It didn't happen.
Just erase it.
It didn't happen!
Is that why it was so good?
I'm a monster.
I love you, Pop.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
- We have to go.
- No!
Stop. Peter. Peter, stop.
Peter!
Peter!
LIAM: The fuck!
KELLY: What the fuck! Sean!
It wasn't fucking me.
Did he get you?
Don't touch! Oh, my...
Get your...
Hey, douchebag!
- Where's the apology?
- Whoa. Hey. I'm sorry.
- Where's the apology?
- Jesus!
What were you talkin' about?
Just let us go.
Why are you not apologizing?
Hey, stop. Come here. Stop it.
Contact, bro?
Contact in O'Callaghan's yard?
Okay, just stop! Hold it!
LIAM: In my yard?
Hey! We just want an apology!
Come on,
just say you're sorry.
- I'd really rather not.
- Peter, come on!
Summer's over,
you ready for the fall?
Don't be prideful.
Come on, just...
I'm not being prideful.
It's hard to apologize when I
just got shoved off a porch.
Charged up!
I saw you spill the drink on
the girl. She's soaked.
That's true,
and I am sorry about that.
Okay, but don't tell me,
tell them! Just say it.
- Fine!
- SEAN: Fuck you guys!
I'm sorry!
To who?
To the douchebag's girlfriend.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Close enough.
- It's too late.
- KYLE: What?
Look, you can't
move the goalpost.
They moved.
He just apologized.
That's more than I've ever
gotten from him.
Come on, you're lucky we're
not demanding an apology!
He wants an apology.
- Here's an apology, bro.
- (KYLE GROANS)
- That's an O'Callaghan sorry.
- CROWD: Whoa!
I got his ankle, Pete!
I got him in a foot lock.
I'm gonna sprain his ankle.
Hey, hey! What are
you boys doing? Get up!
What the hell's going on,
boys? Huh?
Whoa!
Paddy!
He's alive!
LIAM: It's not Paddy,
you idiot.
That's our Uncle Kevin.
He's Paddy's twin brother.
My brother's
lying dead in there.
Show a little respect.
- For Christ's sake.
- Peter?
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Wait a minute,
you know this d-bag?
Yeah.
KELLY: Wait, is this the guy
from last night?
What guy from last night?
Is he why
you didn't come home?
Did you fuck our sister?
- Oh, God.
- Language.
Did you eff our sister?
That's better.
Stop it, you guys.
I'm a grown woman!
Easy. She's right, boys. Easy.
Come on.
We're acting like animals.
I'm pretty sure that your
sister's had sex before,
and I can tell you that Peter
is a considerate lover.
- Oh, God!
- KYLE: I'll vouch for that.
LIAM: You come to my home.
To my father's wake the day
after fucking my sister?
I'm going to break your dick.
- (ALL SHOUTING)
- Liam, hold off.
I know I was saying
relax a couple of seconds ago.
But if someone
came over to my house
and effed my grieving sister,
I'm pretty sure
that I'd want to
just rip him
limb to limb, okay?
I'd want to
just mutilate his ass.
What?
Deservedly.
But guess what?
What?
Someone did just eff
my grieving sister.
- Yeah.
- What?
Peter, do the honors.
Chime in.
- No!
- Chime in.
I don't think
we should do the honors.
Liam, Sean, darling Sarah...
Paddy's our father.
You're our brothers.
You're our sister.
What?
What the fuck
are you talking about?
What the hell is going on?
Our mom's name
is Helen Baxter.
Did Paddy ever mention her?
- You're Helen's boys?
- PETER: Yes!
The twins?
- (SARAH GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)
You don't pick your family.
Oh, God!
SEAN: I'm gonna
fucking kill you!
I'm going to fucking kill you!
Seanie! Seanie!
Stop it!
You two stay right here.
What is happening?
All right, everybody whose
last name isn't O'Callaghan,
get in the house.
- Oh, God. (GROANS)
- KEVIN: Come on, move.
Oh, God!
Oh, fuck!
KEVIN: All right, settle in.
I'll try to clear
this up for you.
Good.
Paddy could not
be their father.
How do you know that, Kevin?
Because Paddy and their mother
never had sex.
What?
I mean, you can't
know that for sure.
Paddy thought he was
gonna marry your mother.
And despite
the sexual climate,
for him, that meant saving it
for their wedding night.
Yeah, like Sarah's
saving her muff.
Shut the fuck up, Liam.
You're no angel.
Shut up, you two.
My brother Paddy
took this very seriously.
If you don't believe me,
ask your mother.
Not now,
you moron!
You said go ask Ma.
Sit down.
Jesus Christ! Sit down.
So what happened?
Well, what happened was,
a guy by the name
of Walter Tinkler.
A veterinarian student
from down in New York.
Dr. Tinkler? We know him!
The guy who killed
Chairman Meow.
PETER: He didn't
kill Chairman Meow.
Well, was Chairman Meow alive
when we dropped him off?
Was he dead
when we picked him up?
In my book, that's murder.
KEVIN: Hey. Hey.
It was just a fuckin' cat.
We both loved Chairman Meow.
I can't believe Tinkler's been
in our lives this whole time.
You see, this Tinkler guy
and your mother
had this on-again
off-again relationship
apparently since high school.
Paddy was always worried
that she'd wind up
going back to him.
Ultimately, she did.
But she did tell my brother
she'd always have
a warm spot
in the heart for him.
She let him down soft.
But this Tinkler guy
was the love of her life,
and that she was
going to marry him.
Mom got married?
To Tinkler?
Last I heard,
she had twins and moved back
to Ohio to raise 'em.
What?
So, if their mom hadn't broken
our dad's heart,
then the three of us
never been born?
That's one way
of looking at it.
Sorry, fellas,
you made me.
You gave me life.
That's not good logic.
That's all I got.
I'm stuck with this.
Enjoy your fuckin' life.
Thanks, Uncle Kevin.
And you two
are off the hook. Officially.
PETER: Yeah.
You were sweatin' it there
for a second.
- SARAH: Yeah.
- I was, too. I know I said
it wasn't a big deal
effing your sister.
It's a big deal.
- It's a big deal.
- KYLE: It's criminal.
- Oh, my God.
- (ALL CHUCKLING)
Oh, my God!
Looks like we're going home.
(INAUDIBLE)
(HORN HONKING)
What was that?
- You honked.
- (CHUCKLES)
You asshole.
(DINGS)
- Hello!
- Hello!
I just did...
Hello?
Yup. Heard you the first time.
KYLE: Sorry.
How can I help you?
PETER: We really need to
see Dr. Tinkler.
- Kind of a family emergency.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry.
He's with a patient
and doesn't
want to be disturbed.
Well, I'm sorry.
We didn't want to
grow up without a father.
Yeah.
Could you please disturb him?
Okay, I can't really
speak to your experience.
Although, I did get kicked out
of a threesome in college
and that was very traumatic.
- No.
- ALI: Yeah.
- They just kicked you out?
- ALI: Yes.
They went like this...
(CLICKING TONGUE)
In flagrante
and then you're gone?
They said I was
underperforming.
I thought I was doing great.
Can we just stay focused here?
This is super important.
We have to see
the doctor stat,
which is a medical term.
(SIGHS) Okay,
he has an opening...
Ooh! Thursday.
- I'll pencil you in.
- (DINGS)
- PETER: No!
- KYLE: Now!
- Pencil us in now!
- Right now! This is urgent.
Please!
Ali, could you bring me
Butterball's
immunization records, please?
Hello.
(KYLE EXHALES)
Peter.
Kyle.
Walter.
Dad.
(GASPS)
- What the... Come on.
- Get him.
You gotta get down here
right away. They're here.
Walter, what are you doing?
We're your sons.
WALTER: Well,
you gotta get down here.
Walter is your father?
You said
you never wanted children!
I didn't. I don't.
Ali, it's complicated.
You know what's complicated?
Dating a man who went to
high school with my mother.
You should just open the door.
Second door, sucker.
Pete, I'm in.
Now you're gonna talk.
Kyle, please. Guys, calm down.
Your mother, I think,
really should
have this conversation.
Well, that hasn't worked
for the last 40 years.
Look. We're not trying
to shake you down,
Dad, we just wanna...
You sick son of a bitch.
Is this how you butchered
Chairman Meow?
Nobody butchered
Chairman Meow.
It's called putting him down.
It's called death.
Death. Yes.
It comes to us all.
Even the kitties.
Enough, all right.
We know you're our father.
Why can't you just say it?
We just want some answers.
KYLE: Ooh. Looky here.
Is this what you do?
You just shoot the cats
in the head?
It's a tranquilizer gun.
Every vet has one.
Not on my watch.
You're not going
to put him down.
- This has to stop.
- We're just snipping him.
This cat lives...
Pete, you gotta see this.
Kyle, stay focused.
Oh, my God. Those are huge.
Those are big balls.
Unnerving.
KYLE: Gotta tip your hat
to the little guy.
You're a doctor,
is that normal?
No. Yeah. But for a gorilla.
KYLE: That's beautiful.
Well done.
Wow! That's...
He's gone!
We got a runner!
Run, Walter, run!
Where are you going?
We know where you live.
- (TRANQUILIZER GUN FIRES)
- (GROANING)
Whoa! You shot Dad.
Because this ends now.
PETER: Walter!
Is he all right?
Pete, you're a doctor, look.
- I know. I think he's okay.
- Sweetheart, come through.
Give him some water.
PETER: Yeah, it's gonna
be okay. Right?
KYLE: Give me your eyes.
It's me, Kyle.
Why did you run?
You see how it feels?
It doesn't feel good.
Hey, come on.
What the fuck
did you do to Walter?
Mom, what are you doing here?
Yeah, what are you doing here?
You just called me!
Are you kidding?
I'm sorry. I got shot
by a tranquilizer dart
and I'm a little woozy.
(STAMMERING) It was a whole...
We shot him because
he was trying to escape.
PETER: What the hell, Mom?
I mean, our Dad was here
the whole time,
you sent us on
this wild-goose chase.
Okay. This family has issues.
I didn't think you'd go, okay?
Although, I thought
it might be a nice idea
for you guys to go on
a road trip together
since you can't stay
in the same room
together for two minutes.
We can and we did.
Yeah, we drove halfway
around the country
looking for a guy
who lives next door to us.
By the way,
kind of a bumpy ride.
He didn't live next door.
He actually lived
three or four houses down.
No, it's definitely
our street.
Over. But I know
what you mean.
No, it wasn't.
It was the next street.
It was.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Just take a big
deep breath, okay?
Please. Sit down.
Sit down.
(HELEN SIGHS)
There's something
I have to say.
It was, um... (CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHS)
Okay. It was December 1975,
three days before Christmas.
That's... That's our birthday.
Yeah.
HELEN: I was doing
community outreach,
working with women who were
in pretty bad situations.
What kind of bad situations?
Really bad, Kyle.
ALI: Drugs,
abuse,
destructive
May-December relationships
they can't pry themselves
away from?
Ali, don't bring your
own drum to the concert.
Let Helen talk.
(SCOFFS)
There was one
young girl in particular
that I got very close to.
There was something
incredibly special about her.
She was six months pregnant.
She went into labor early.
It was dangerously early.
And she had a very, very long
and hard delivery.
But, at the end,
she produced two
beautiful baby boys.
Your birth mother.
Your mother
didn't survive.
Oh, my God.
This just got really sad.
So, with no family on record,
the hospital was required
to call social services.
But Helen didn't want to
put you into that system
and maybe get split up.
She loved you from
the moment she saw you.
So, I started
the process of adoption.
WALTER: Despite my objections.
See, as much as I loved Helen,
I couldn't imagine sacrificing
my future for two tiny
strangers. You know?
Kids were
never part of my plan.
I'm better with animals,
I guess.
Helen, on the other hand,
could imagine nothing else.
And I brought you here
to Westerville to raise you.
What was her name?
Our birth mother.
Jenny.
Jenny who?
I don't know.
The reason why young girls
came to us
was because
we didn't ask questions.
We weren't certain
that that was her real name.
What about our dad?
We never knew.
She wouldn't talk about it.
She just wanted to start a
new life for the three of you.
(SIGHS)
I need to get some air.
- I'll talk to him.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Talk to me.
What's going through
your head?
Biological mother
dies at childbirth?
Which I guess is another way
of saying we killed her.
No.
At a certain point, I just
gotta say, you're right.
The universe is an asshole.
I think we're
a couple of born losers
fulfilling our
born loser identity.
I mean, you don't think
that's an asshole move?
- Fuck the universe!
- (SIGHS)
What do you call that?
I'll grant you,
the universe is a little wily,
a little unpredictable.
But it's pretty
fucking amazing
when you consider
it also gave us Mom.
And Mom gave up
everything for us.
Where would we be
right now without Mom?
And I hate to even
contemplate this.
We might be
running around out there,
not even aware
that each other exists.
We're not losers.
We're survivors. Okay?
And that's because of Mom.
And because of Mom,
we can survive anything
the universe throws at us.
I like that.
All right. Good.
Survivors.
That's good.
But the universe is on
probation with me, Pete.
Fair enough.
(SIGHS)
I should've told you as soon
as you could understand,
but I didn't,
and it just got
harder and harder.
I was so afraid.
Of what?
Of hurting you.
Losing you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No.
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN OVER PA)
So... (SIGHS)
I got hit by a train.
- You got hit by a train.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you.
Well, you get after that
fantastic girl of yours
and give her Honi for me.
Fuck that!
I'm gonna give you a Honi.
I don't need a Honi. I'm good.
You do need a Honi.
We all need Honis.
- Hey...
- Peter.
- I'm giving you a Honi.
- All right.
You know what they say,
a Honi a day...
(PETER CHUCKLING)
PETER: Blue, 32!
Hut! Hut!
In the end zone.
- (ETHAN WHOOPING)
- Yeah! It's a catch!
ETHAN: Great throw, Dad.
Damn, you could've
been in the NFL.
- Eh. Probably.
- Hey, you ready for this?
Probably could've been.
Yeah. Hit me. Hit me.
Oh, shit!
Boom! You like that?
Oh, my God. Nice hit.
- Come here, you.
- (SQUEALS)
ETHAN: Oh, gross, guys.
Come on. Really?
Life is such a crazy ride.
One minute you're on this epic
quest with your brother.
The next minute you're getting
replaced by a monkey,
about to lose it all.
PETER: And the next minute,
you think
your brother's been killed
by a speeding locomotive.
And the next minute you think
your brother's having sex
with his sister.
But the next minute
you're very happy
to find out that
she can't be your sister
because her father didn't
believe in premarital sex.
I'm not sure
they're quite ready
to hear about
all your adventures.
You're gonna have to
educate those girls
about premarital sex
because we come from
a long line of people
with a zest for love making.
Never hold back on love.
You hear that? Never.
But let's not get distracted.
Now, where were we?
Yes, one minute, Dad's getting
replaced by a monkey...
PETER: Yeah,
but the next minute,
you're inventing an app
with your brother
that sends people optimistic
messages from the universe.
And then the next minute,
you're making $3.99
- every time it's downloaded.
- Every single time.
And the next minute,
it's been downloaded
a million times.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- A million times.
Hi, it's me. The Universe.
Remember, life is not a race.
It's the journey that counts.
Okay?
I love you.
By the way,
the Illuminati is real.