1
[whirring]
[Christmas music playing]
[music playing only]
[rock and roll playing]
It smells wonderful, yeah?
Right?
Hey, Michelangelo, we
got deliveries.
Hey, cuz.
Hey, hey.
Some chooch is having
a little Christmas party over at
the bar,
a bunch of capicola, salami,
and cheese and shit.
Free drafts. You wanna come?
I can't. I gotta work.
-We're real busy at the store,
you know?
-Just get your brother to cover
for you.
Okay, I tell you what.
You see him, you let me know.
-All right. I'll see you.
-All right. I'll see you.
Oh, hey, I'm taking Sarah
to the Melody tonight.
-You wanna come with us?
-Isn't it a date?
Well, when it gets to the part
of the date
that only requires two,
I'm gonna cut you loose.
Come on.
But, for real, you
should come with us.
I mean, this is a situation
you have to take advantage of.
-What situation?
-Do you know those chicks
that, uh, went away to college,
the ones we never get to see?
Well, they're gonna be
coming out tonight.
and they're gonna be horny
for the holidays.
You really put a lot of
thought into this.
Yes, I did put a lot of
thought into this.
Only, I realized it too late,
made plans with Sarah
before I did all the math.
I know. Anyway, tonight,
that thing is a lock.
That old Christmas magic, huh?
I'm telling you, man. You laugh,
but first she jingles the bells.
Then it's away to the manger,
and then it's joy to the world,
baby.
Like a Bing Crosby
Christmas special.
Bing Crosby's ass.
This is the Angelo Christmas
show,
featuring special guest star Mr.
Boner.
I'll pick you up around 9:00?
Yeah, it sounds great and all,
Angelo,
but, uh, no, I don't think so.
What do you mean, "No,
I don't--"
-Come on! Let's go!
-I got in.
Art school.
This is fantastic. To celebrate.
Come on!
There's nothing to celebrate,
'cause, uh...
it's not happening.
It's expensive as hell.
I-- I don't see a point.
Well, I got an idea.
Why don't we go out tonight
and just drown your sorrows
with some alcohol?
Huh?
All right.
-I'll see you at 9:00.
-All right, I'll see you at
9:00.
-Hey, you know what else is
9:00?
-What?
-Mr. Boner.
-I'm gonna change my mind.
-All right, I'll see you.
-All right, I'll see you.
Hey, Tony!
-What are you doing?
-I'm working.
-I gotta get back to the store.
-Meet me at the side door.
-I want you to try something.
-Ah, I gotta get back.
It's-- Just do what I say,
all right? Side door.
[sighs]
You know,
Dad's gonna kill me, Pap.
I still got a ton of deliveries.
He works for me, God damn it.
Come here.
I want you to try something.
-Hey, Grandma.
-Hey.
-How you doing?
-Want something to eat?
-No, I'm okay. I really gotta
get to work.
-All right, I'll make you
something.
Oh, boy. Just you wait.
Ha ha.
-Yeah.
-Homemade?
Louie made it. Go ahead. Try it.
Ah, it's pretty cloudy, Pap.
I don't know
if he ran it through all
the way.
Don't be a baby.
Take a sip of that. Go ahead.
Come on.
-Ah?
-[coughing]
Ah? Yeah.
No. Jesus.
It's good, ain't it?
Maybe for cleaning
battery terminals.
-Ah, it's delicious.
-[woman] Ahh! Hah hah!
Is that Nonnie?
-[woman murmuring]
-Non?
-Ma, what's the matter?
-Ahh! Hah hah!
-Non, you all right?
-I'm coming!
He cheat with the
no-good puttane,
and his wife has a baby
in the car in the snow.
-Jesus Christ.
-[wails]
You gave me a heart attack.
And he no there to take
her to hospital.
Son of a bitch!
Beth! Telephone!
Who is it?
She didn't say.
Hello.
Hey, baby.
Beth?
What?
I miss you.
Then, maybe you should have done
what you said you were gonna do.
Yeah, I know. I know. That's,
um--
That's why I'm calling.
Oh, y-you're coming?
No, no, no. But I've already
talked to your mom a little bit,
softened her up.
I'm pretty sure she's gonna let
you go.
No, I-- I don't ski, Prentice.
You could take lessons, okay?
They're calling for a huge snow.
It's gonna be amazing.
That's besides the point.
You promised you were gonna
come, and you didn't.
-Beth, just listen to me.
-You made your choice.
-I'm gonna go.
-Beth--
-Merry Christmas, Prentice.
-[hangs up]
Was that really necessary?
I know you and Dad
sacrificed a lot
so that I could go to private
school.
But now I'm beginning
to think it's all
about me finding a rich husband.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I don't think it's ridiculous
to ask
my boyfriend to keep his word.
He's young. He wanted
to go skiing with his friends.
You mean like
how men from your generation
wanted to hang out with their
friends and not their wives.
Yeah, no-- no, thanks.
Where are you going?
I'm going to hang out
with my friends.
[rock and roll playing]
[car horn honks]
Watch it, Princess!
[Beth] I didn't see you!
And nobody's gonna go
to school today
She's gonna make them
stay at home...
Okay, wait a second.
He blows off Christmas with you
to go skiing?
-Yep.
-What a prick.
Okay, try telling
that to my mom.
I swear he could murder
somebody,
and she'd say it was okay
-just because he's rich.
-How rich?
Very rich.
What's his dad do?
Uh, spends Christmas in Europe,
for one thing.
I don't really know exactly,
though it's big Philadelphia
money.
Well, for what it's worth,
my mom would definitely love it
if I married a rich guy.
[laughs] I just--
I'm not-- I'm not looking
to punish him for being rich.
I just-- [sighs]
Sarah, I want to be appreciated.
I don't wanna be bought
and stuck on a shelf.
Hey, I get it, but, um...
would you let him rent you?
-Sarah, stop.
-What?!
I'm just saying we all end up
charging for it in the end.
Some of us just don't
charge enough.
-Well, apparently I charge too
much.
-Hmm.
Want to forget about him?
I don't know.
I'm not talking about
permanently.
Just temporarily.
Hey, Frankie, you wanna
try this wine?
I'm in no hurry to go blind.
Carmine, you drink that shit,
you're gonna wind up
with a tin cup and a cane
selling pencils under a bridge.
So you don't want any?
[laughs]
-[train horn blowing]
-You know what kills my stomach?
Bourbon. Stuff drives me crazy.
Oh, well, I-- I got a
remedy for that.
What?
Don't drink bourbon.
-[car horn honks]
-Oh. Very funny.
Tell me when to laugh.
The next time I gotta take you
to the emergency room
because you're pissing blood.
Is that Tony's girl over there,
Katie?
Ex. He broke that up months ago.
Where you been?
Ah, nobody tells me nothin'.
Company she's keeping,
he's better off.
Marone, she is stacked.
Carmine, please. We went
to this kid's christening,
for Christ's sakes.
You think Tony was boning her?
"Boning"?
You're such a poet, Carmine.
Definitely.
[Carmine] She is stacked.
Same as how the old ladies,
they still read the tea leaves
a-and worry about the evil eye.
I mean, we-- we talk about
a high school football game
from--
from, say, 1964
as if it were the moon walk.
You know, two guys
drive to Wheeling to gamble
a-and visit a cathouse,
and we turn it into The Odyssey.
You know, we make it
larger than life.
Places like Greentown,
we-- we grow our own
mythologies.
We're tribal like that.
Uh, Chicky, one more beer,
please.
Can't you see I'm busy?
Get it yourself.
Excuse me. [clears throat]
I mean, think about the Feast.
We make that larger than life,
because, on Christmas Eve in
this town, everybody is Italian
or thinks they are.
I mean, do most people even know
why they do it, really?
No. It d-- It doesn't matter.
They just know that they
have to do it.
I-It's like we got one foot
in America in the present
and another in Europe in the
past,
and we just-- we obsess on all
of it.
You obsess, Juke.
The rest of us really
don't give a shit.
Eh, not true.
I think I get what he's saying.
We really do have, um,
what do you call it?
-Oral traditions.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Kind of like how folks
always say you can never find
a girlfriend for Christmas.
Yeah, well, you'll find
out as you
get older just how seriously bad
it is
not to have someone
to share Christmas with.
Even if you end up
breaking up with them by
New Year's.
-[clatter]
-Aah! Shit!
God damn it!
[laughing]
Mark my words.
In 15 years, you're gonna
be sitting here,
laughing about that.
[speaking Italian]
Chicky, are you all right?
Damn son of a bitch.
[Christmas instrumental playing]
Calculus wasn't this hard.
That's just the
cannabis talking.
Yens know what you want yet?
-Um...
-Um...
I'm thirsty.
[both laugh]
I don't sell thirsty.
I sell pop and chocolate milk.
We'll have two pepperoni rolls
with sauce.
and cheese
and two Cokes.
[funk instrumental playing]
I can't believe how hungry I am.
Really?
I forgot.
We're going out tonight.
-No. Mm-mm.
-Yes, we are. Yes.
I don't wanna go and
get groped by a bunch
of uneducated townies. No.
Um, thank you.
-I didn't mean you.
-Well, that's a relief,
because I'd hate to be thought
of as uneducated.
-Groper, that's okay.
-Please don't bust on me.
I'm too high. [laughs]
[laughs] You've become a snob.
-What? No, I haven't.
-Yes, you have.
Going Ivy League does not
automatically make you a snob.
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
So, like, did you take
a special workshop class...
-Listen. Listen.
-to become a...
Whenever I come back here, it's
like I'm in,
like-- like a different country.
Like, even, like, here,
like, in my own home.
You're really high.
[both snickering]
Wait a second.
I been meaning to tell you.
I've been dating this guy.
-What?
-His name is Angelo,
and he's got this cousin.
-No.
-He's cute, and he's nice,
and he's smart. His name
is Tony Oliverio.
-[groans]
-Listen.
There's worse ways to spend the
holidays than with a cute guy.
I could just introduce you guys
to each other,
see if you hit it off,
and, if you don't, you could
dump him after New Year's
from the safety and comfort
of your ivory, white tower
miles and miles away.
[sighs] Fine.
[train horn blowing]
-The hell have you been, shit
stain?
-Ow!
We're busting ass in there!
We could use some help!
Kiss my ass, man.
Say that again.
-Kiss my ass.
-You wanna die?
Hey, yens knock off
the grab-ass.
Tony, you gotta run stuff
up to Miceli's.
Why don't you make him
do it for once?
If I want any shit from you,
I'll squeeze your head.
-Why do you gotta be so hard on
him?
-Well, you never make him do
anything.
-He's a kid.
-Dad, when I was his age,
you worked me like a dog.
Tony, someday this place
will be yours.
You gotta take care of it.
And, anyway, he'll
work soon enough.
Now take Miceli's their stuff,
and knock off.
Tony...
go have some fun tonight, huh?
-Thanks, Dad.
-Ah.
What are you doing, you
Tobacco Roader?
Nothing.
So we're going over to your
grandpa's,
help with the fish for tomorrow.
You-- You wanna come?
-Sure.
-Get in.
Hey, Uncle Frankie, when are
you gonna teach me
how to make money on
the parlays?
Uh, never. What are you, crazy?
-Come on.
-Save your money.
I can't teach you.
I-It's something
you're born with.
You bet the Steelers last week,
right?
-Yeah, sure.
-Only an idiot makes that kind
of bet!
-I bet the Steelers.
-Which proves my point.
Your problem is, is you're
betting with your heart,
not your head.
Yeah, but they're my team.
Plus they played Browns.
-I can't--
-Can't bet on the Browns.
Then, you don't make the bet!
You're an idiot.
It's not your fault.
You take after Uncle Carmine's
side of the gene pool.
But that gene pool also comes
with a good head of hair.
[big band music playing]
[Carmine] Oh ho!
Oh, look who decided to show up.
-Yeah.
-I gave youse up for dead, you
know.
Well, I had to make a few stops.
-Yens eat yet?
-No.
I made some pasta.
[Carmine] I could eat.
What?
Nothin'.
No, no, no, no. Don't say,
"Nothin'."
I know that look, John. What?
Nothin'. Just figured, you know,
you'd pick up a little V.O.,
is all.
When did he ask for V.O.?
You never asked for V.O.!
When did he ask for V.O.?
-I heard "V.O."
-How could you hear "V.O."?
Your head's so far up his ass,
you can't hear nothin'!
-I heard "V.O."
-You know, you--
Little V.O. It's the holidays.
I want a little V.O.
-Yeah, I know, but you gotta ask
for it...
-Is that such a big deal?
One thing I ask for!
That's all. One thing!
-You don't dri--
-Sit down. Just sit down.
-We'll eat.
-All right, but, uh...
-Grab the pasta, will you,
sweetheart?
-I would have got it. On my--
I would have got it for you.
I would love to get it for you.
I didn't know you drank it.
I only known you 66 years.
-You didn't know he drank it?
-It's true.
Here. Have some of this.
It's served me very well.
-I can go get it.
-Ma!
-Come on down! Eat!
-[Frankie] Carmine, go get her.
-Carry her down.
-[Carmine] Hey, Ma!
-She's deaf! Go get her!
-Ma!
I thawed out them fish
you caught last summer.
I figured we'd start out
cleaning 'em first.
Can I help?
Ah.
Hope the baccala is better than
last year. That was a bad batch.
The fish wasn't bad.
Johnny, he didn't change
the water enough.
It was too salty.
You live here?
-I used to.
-How do you know how much I
changed it?
Because I could taste it.
It was too salty.
And Ma said so. Ask her.
I don't have to ask Ma.
That was delicious fish.
Yeah, if you like salt.
You gonna help cook, Nonnie?
No. I cook enough for them
when they was boys.
How's the pasta, Ma?
It's fine...
if you like it like that.
[rock and roll playing]
So, Sarah, how do you
know this girl?
Uh, we were both summer camp
counselors at Chestnut Ridge,
-the summer after high school.
-Yeah.
Then she went off Ivy League.
And she lived here the whole
time, and nobody ever knew her.
Well, her mom sent her to
some private
school near Pittsburgh.
Well, we went to private school.
We didn't have to go all the
way to Pittsburgh to do it.
-Well, it wasn't like Catholic
School.
-What?
She, uh, didn't get her ass
beaten by a nun every five
minutes?
Angelo, you used to get whipped
so much by Sister Vivian,
I got to thinking you
actually liked it a little bit.
Hey, to tell you the truth, I
used to think I could
give her a heart attack.
Seriously. I thought she'd
swing that paddle one too many
times,
boom, her heart would just pop
right out of her chest.
Oh? But...
-But then, later on, I used
to...
- That's not funny
think, like, maybe it was
a workout for her, you know,
like the more that she beat me,
the better shape she was getting
in,
so I was kind of
helping her out.
It was the Christian
thing to do.
Oh.
-So this girl, Beth...
-Beth. Uh-huh.
is she getting extra credit
for anthropology class or
something,
observing townies
in their natural habitat?
Maybe she's trying to check out
our mating rituals. Yay.
Well, why don't you both ask her
for yourselves?
She's waiting right up
at the corner.
-Hey.
-Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Beth Claremont, this is Angelo
Bettanti and Tony Oliverio.
I just don't feel the same
Now that it's Christmas
- Left me alone...
-Beautiful.
-Oh, my God.
-Reddy Kilowatt's wet dream,
guys.
-No.
-It's true. That's Christmas.
If I'm Santa Claus,
I go, "Donner, Blitzen,
the house with the lights,
they care.
Everybody else's presents
can wait."
What do you think, Beth?
Uh, I mean, I-- I don't know.
I prefer something
a little more understated,
like all white lights.
Understated? The fat guy
sneaks into your house and
gives your kids presents.
You want understated? No.
It's red, it's green,
and a little bit of white,
or it's not Christmas.
-He means tasteful.
- Now that it's Christmas
Guess I'll be crying
Now that it's Christmas
Gram? You smoke?
For 50 years.
Can I have one?
Hell, no.
All right, why don't you come
inside? It's freezing out here.
'Cause of that old
lady up there.
She's thinks only a p--
only bad women smoke.
Yeah, but it's your house.
Well, when she moved in,
I knew it would bother her,
so I hid it just to
keep the peace.
I figured she's older than dirt.
How long could she live?
She's never gonna die.
Okay. Well, I better get back in
there and clean some fish.
Even though Christmas has
evolved into more than
its original meaning,
I don't think the evolution
has been all that bad.
I mean, commercialism is...
-I don't know what I'm trying to
say.
-No, no, I know what you mean.
It's sort of like, uh,
Christmas is this blank canvas,
and everybody uses it
to work out their feelings
of family and hope
and nostalgia.
Hey, Tony, you know I love you,
right?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
What the hell are you talking
about right now?
-[laughs]
-We're just saying--
-We're having a conversation.
-No, no, no, no, no.
That wasn't a real question,
okay? My real question is,
do you have an Excedrin?
Because you're making my head
hurt.
-What the hell is "nostalgia"?
-[chuckles]
[rock and roll playing]
Porter!
Let me get two pitchers
and four glasses!
You guys grab a table.
I'll be right there, okay?
Tony, you remember this song?
-Uh-huh.
-Look at that.
-Mm.
-There it is.
Huh? Huh?
Oh, she likes it.
-She likes it.
-So, uh, Angelo's your best
friend?
Cousin. Yeah.
If he wasn't, there's no way
I'd hang out with him.
There are certain things about
you I don't like anymore.
You're still my cousin,
but this taste of music,
-I don't understand it.
-I'm just saying
there's some really interesting
new stuff out there,
like the Talking Heads,
Elvis Costello.
Elvis Coste-- I'm sorry.
What self-respecting Italian
mother names their kid Elvis?
He's not Italian. He's British.
It's different.
You should try these guys, man.
You would like 'em, really.
-I'm not gonna tr--
-Don't get me wrong.
I'll always love the Stones,
and I'll love Springsteen,
but I'm just saying,
some of the stuff
I used to listen to,
now I don't know.
I don't know how I ever did,
like Boston.
-Ohh!
-Like Boston, what?
-Tony, don't get me started.
-Like Boston.
-I can't listen to 'em anymore.
-Blasphemy.
All right, well, hold on,
'cause it gets a lot worse.
I can't listen to Rush any more,
either, or Triumph.
-You're gonna go to Hell.
-All right.
You're going straight to Hell.
There'll be good music,
at least.
Juke, please, can you come over
here and distract me from Tony?
'Cause he's gone crazy.
Merry Christmas.
-Hello. Season's greetings, all.
-Hey.
Uh, Anthony, I spent the
afternoon w-with your brother.
Oh, no. My condolences.
I tried to educate him on some
of the mysteries of life.
Yeah? How'd it go?
The jury's still out.
I did loan him my copy
of Siddhartha,
but I think he found the lack
of pictures somewhat daunting.
Uh, Tony, you gonna introduce me
to the lovely young lady?
Oh. Uh, Beth Claremont,
Juke Jakowski,
philosopher king of Greentown.
-Hi.
-Hi.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
So you, uh, got a
girlfriend lately, Juke?
Oh, girlfriend? Who needs a
girlfriend in this,
the season of brotherly love?
See? Brotherly love. That
explains it all.
-You're a fruit.
-[groaning]
Angelo, your wit is exceeded in
size only by your penis.
[laughing]
And, even then, only just.
It's okay that you don't know
what that means.
I'm gonna go play some pool
and, uh, cheat Tylko
out of his Christmas bonus.
Uh, I'll see you guys
tomorrow night
-for Seven Fishes.
-You got it.
-Beth, it was very lovely to
meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-All right, Juke.
-Bye.
-Oh, wow. That guy is a trip.
-Right.
And so well read and
well spoken,
but he looks like he's been
working on cars for a living.
He does work on cars
for a living.
Yeah, not Fords or foreigns.
It's kinda weird like that.
-Did he say I had a small penis?
-Yeah.
-Is that what he just said?
-No, he said you had small
penis.
Sure did. Mm-hmm.
You wanna go play some pool?
Sure. Let's go, baby dick.
You guys-- What?!
[both snickering]
Is this a thing now?
Do you guys wanna play
pool with us?
-No, no.
-No.
Ohh. Come on.
After you.
Tell her it's not true.
And what-- what was Juke
talking about, Seven...
-The Seven Fishes?
-Yeah.
The Feast of the Seven Fishes,
it's something we do every
Christmas Eve.
I mean, all the Italians
around here do it.
What? Eat seven kinds of fish?
We have seven--
Or we're supposed to.
We honestly make so many
different kinds of dishes,
I'm not sure if we're in
some sort of violation or not.
Some families only do three or
five. Some do more.
I think the only thing is,
just has to be an odd number.
Somebody told me that maybe
it has something to do
with representing the
seven sacraments.
But, uh, it's not like a big
religious thing for us,
though, you know?
I mean, we cook fish,
and we party and, uh...
I mean, it's-- [laughs]
That's pretty much it.
The whole family's there,
friends. It's a blast.
Wow. God. Christmas Eve
at my house is the most
quiet night of the year.
[laughs] I mean, we
don't do anything.
Oh, in our house, it's the
loudest, which is...
pretty scary, actually, yeah,
now that I think about it.
The thing is, the Feast,
it's one of those
"about the journey" things, you
know,
like getting there
being the fun of it all.
Everyone spends so much time
on the preparation,
the dinner itself, it's--
it's almost a letdown.
What, it takes that long?
Oh, yeah.
All right, take the baccala.
It's a real pain in the ass.
Baccala is a codfish that's been
heavily salted to preserve it,
so it comes stiff as a board,
and you have to soak
it in water for three days,
always changing the water.
I mean, Grandfather, my
great uncles,
that's their thing.
They're obsessed with it.
So most of that, we bake
in tomato sauce,
and the rest, we roll into balls
and deep-fry.
Whiting's a nice
plain whitefish.
We fry it in a cast-iron
skillet verified
with garlic and olive oil
and salt and pepper.
There's a really small fish
called smelt. I love 'em.
When we were kids,
we'd have this big eating
contest.
We didn't always have shrimp.
It was too expensive,
but Uncle Frankie started
bringing it one year,
and he fixes it deep-fried.
The oysters, we just eat raw,
except for a couple we throw in
the soup.
There's eel, which we bread
and deep-fry in olive oil
and then marinate in some kind
of vinegar-type thing my
grandfather makes.
And last, but certainly not
least, there's calamari.
Calamari's Italian for squid,
and that,
we fix a whole bunch of
different ways,
stuffed and baked, fried.
I like boiling it
and marinating it in vinegar and
garlic and served cold.
That's it. That's our seven.
-[applause]
-[whistling]
And obviously, you know,
they aren't all fish,
but I guess Feast of the Seven
Types of Seafood
just doesn't roll off the tongue
the same way, so...
It sounds fun.
Oh, it is. Yeah.
[both laugh]
[big band music playing]
Get these fish clean tonight,
one less thing we gotta do
in the morning.
Figured that out all by
yourself, have you?
-Kiss my ass, Frankie.
-[chuckling]
Who did all this when you were a
kid? Was that Nonnie?
Nah. The old man did it.
Oh, now, the old man,
he was a cook.
-Hell of a cook.
-What all did he cook?
Oh, shit, anything.
One time, he cooked a possum...
-Yeah?
-Right?
Stuffed it with tons and
tons of garlic.
A possum? What did
that taste like?
Pretty much like garlic.
-And how long ago did he die?
-[exhales]
Uh, been 40 years now.
June 6, 1944.
I was at Normandy.
And Nonnie never married
anyone else, huh?
No. After the old man died,
she just, uh, turned all her
attention to her kids.
I should have gotten her
out more often.
That's just what I was thinking.
That's...
How old is she, anyways?
She's gotta be, uh--
How old is she, Carmine?
Oh, she's old.
She's old. She's an old lady.
Here it is.
[pounding]
I think they like each other.
What do you think?
I think I'm happy we don't have
to listen to them talk anymore.
This is for you.
-[ball clatters in pocket]
-Wow.
What you said about Christmas
was really insightful,
about it being our own canvas
to paint our wishes on.
I mean, I-- I think that's
why I like it so much.
Okay, listen.
-[Christmas music playing]
- No Christmas song...
Christmas music, it can
take you back to any
point in your childhood
or someplace safe and warm.
I mean, I've already worn out
two copies of
Julie Andrews's Christmas album.
Yeah. Uh, for me,
it's Dean Martin.
I love "Baby, It's
Cold Outside."
I don't-- I don't think I
know that one.
Well, I guess it's not so much
about Christmas
as it is about Dean
getting laid, but...
[clears throat]
Julie Andrews is good, too.
Um, I-- I'll be right back.
Okay.
[sighs] You dumbass.
[rock ballad playing]
Hi.
Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Um, can I-- can I
buy you a beer?
That'd be nice.
Um, Porter, can I plea--
Can I get two more, please?
So, uh, what's Santa
bringing you for Christmas?
I don't know.
I been pretty naughty this year.
I think I might just get coal.
It's like I told you
- Only the lonely can play...
-Yeah, how 'bout, uh, a toast?
To, um-- To the magic
of Christmas.
That is so...
sweet.
[vomits]
-Uh...
-Holy shit, Juke! What'd you
do?!
Should have seen that coming.
Shit, she's only 15.
That's her problem.
She don't know how to drink yet.
Why didn't you share that
with me earlier?
I thought you knew?
That's Moe's little sister,
Phyllis.
-I ought to cut you off,
asshole.
-Porter, can--
I hadn't-- I wasn't-- I
didn't do it.
Cindy, come and get her,
please, and take her to
the ladies' room.
Call me an asshole?
I'm propping this place up.
I hadn't-- I wasn't-- I didn't
do-- I didn't do anything.
I hope you feel better.
Only the lonely can play
[sighs]
- Only the lonely
-Ah, merry damn Christmas.
Only the lonely can play
I love that song.
You got it.
Hey, Tony,
You hear Sweeney's got girls
dancing up at his bar?
Naked dancing.
So what?
So Katie's making her
debut tonight.
Tony! Tony, what are you doing?
This is what she wants.
Well, it worked, man, all right?
Now would you please
just let me take the car?
-Come on, man.
-Absolutely not.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're all going,.
Let's go.
I'm sorry.
You didn't have to
come out with me.
I forgive you.
I'm not gonna let you go alone.
Tony, you gotta stop trying
to take care of everybody, okay?
Especially Katie.
She's not a bad person, Sarah.
Oh, yeah? Is that why
she took up a job stripping?
She's got a point.
[music thumping inside]
[Beth] What's he gonna do?
Probably get his ass kicked.
Is-- Is he in love
with this girl?
What? Hell, no.
Whenever she pull stunts like
this, he feels responsible.
I told you he was a nice guy.
Nice guy?
Yeah, that nice-guy shit is
overrated, if you ask me.
Put your hands together
for your next act, Felicity.
-Troubles, hey.
-Hey, Tony.
Listen, have you seen
Katie around?
Yeah. Last time I saw her,
she was talking to the boss.
-Appreciate it.
-Hey, ho.
Three bucks, man.
Stop by the office
when you're done.
I usually have a little bonus
for girls on their first night.
All right, give a big
Sweeney's welcome to...
-Katie, what the hell are you
doing?
-Working, asshole.
I'm not talking to you. Come on.
Let's go.
-I'm not going anywhere.
-Katie, we're leaving.
Wrong, jackass. You're leaving.
-[music thumping inside]
-[Angelo sighs]
Get your-- Get your
hands off me, man!
-[blow thumps]
-Oh, shit!
Don't come back, you
little faggot!
[sighs]
Tony. Tony! Stop it.
-Tony, stop.
-Get onstage. You're gonna
make--
-Tony.
-Tony! Tony!
-Okay, do not go back in there!
-Stop!
-You came back for some more,
huh?
-Buddy, this is
- Frankie Oliverio's nephew, all
right?
-[laughs]
-He wouldn't like it very much.
-I care about that old fart?
Katie, let's go! Come on! Get--
-She ain't going anywhere.
-Oh, my God!
-Get off of him!
-Get your hands off her!
Get your ass back in there,
or you're fired!
Then, I'm fired.
Tough guy, you want the
little rip, take her.
-Come on. Let's go.
-Get out of here.
-I'm taking you home.
-[Sarah] Yeah, let's go.
You brought a date.
You son of a bitch.
You brought a date.
No one brings dates here, Katie.
-Yeah, go to Hell, Sarah!
-I'll punch you.
Could you guys just wait in the
car for a minute, please?
Why'd you even come here?
Like you didn't plan for me to.
Your whole life, you've gotten
away with using your
looks to get what you want,
but this? Come on.
You're better than this.
Yeah, well, I need the money,
all right?
And, besides, what do you care
anymore, huh?
She's very pretty.
Dresses like a slut.
[water flows]
Let me see.
Does it hurt bad?
Nah, it feels great.
Don't be smart with me.
Just look at yourself, Katie.
What, are you kidding?
I got the idea for the outfit
'cause of you.
You remember this skirt?
'Member how much you
liked taking it off?
[sighs]
You couldn't wait to get
home from school.
Sometimes I used to leave
the whole thing on,
the whole outfit, remember?
It's been a long time
since we did it like that.
[sighs]
We're not doing it tonight,
Katie.
Why, 'cause that little
cake eater in the car?
I barely know her.
And, even if I were interested,
I doubt she'll have shit
to do with me after this.
We have to move on.
No.
I don't have to move on.
You don't want me to strip,
fine, I won't strip,
but I don't have to move on,
Tony, because you want to.
Get out of here.
Come on. Let us take you home.
I said get out of here. Don't
leave your little
girlfriend waiting for you.
I said to go, Tony!
Look, I'm not an idiot,
all right?
I know what she's doing,
a-and it's not gonna work.
She's not gonna get
back in my life.
At least, not romantically,
anyway.
All right, it has been months
now. She needs to move on,
-and you need to let go of her.
-But she's got real problems.
She's not some old car or
something that I've traded in.
You can just drop me off.
Ah, nah, nah, nah.
Come on with that. Stop it.
-No, I don't wanna bring
everybody down.
-No, no.
-We're gonna go to Chicky
Joe's...
-Sarah, I don't think it's a
good--
Just-- Just a beer.
It'll do you some good to
talk about it.
I'll see yens tomorrow, then.
[TV playing indistinctly]
Hey. You going, too?
-Yeah.
-All right.
-I love you, kid.
-You, too.
-All right.
-Night, Pap.
Be safe.
[train horn blowing]
Hey, Katie.
Hey, Vince.
Aren't you cold?
[sighs] Yeah.
Hey, you wanna walk me home?
Okay.
I'm freezing.
Can you put your arm around me?
[rock ballad playing]
Wow, you're getting
really strong.
Thanks for walking me.
Yeah, of course.
Looks like my mom's
already asleep.
You wanna come inside?
Uh, I--
Tony.
Tony?
What's Tony got to do
with anything?
[giggles] Come on.
You must have been a very
good boy, Vince.
Hell, yes, I have.
Let's get more comfortable.
[gasping]
Vince, you need to leave.
-What?
-Please just leave.
Look, I know you want to
get back at him.
I mean, I'm okay with that.
[chorus vocalizing]
[bell pealing]
There is no God.
[rock ballad playing]
I thought it was really sweet
what you did tonight.
It's noble.
Believe me, when that guy
was kicking my ass,
I was seriously
questioning my nobility.
[both laugh]
Does it hurt?
Not so bad.
Thanks.
Don't discount what
you're feeling, man.
Existential angst is a bitch.
Thank you.
[sighs] Oh, yeah.
Can I buy you another
one of those?
Mm...
nope.
I've already met my quota
for doing stupid shit tonight.
[sighs] Try again another time.
That's not very friendly.
I'm not very friendly.
-Ohh!
-Hey, now. You okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
-Okay, I'll take it from here.
-Hey, man, she's all right.
-It's okay.
Hey, man, I said
she's all right.
Porter, assistance.
If you're gonna
cruise for skirt,
you do it in a college bar, not
down here.
You got that, hand job?
Okay.
Stool must be cursed.
[blues playing]
Hey, Beth.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, sure.
Alone.
Oh! Yeah, no problem.
-Sorry.
-Leave you to it.
So...
kinda want to spend more time
with Angelo tonight...
like all night.
Oh. Okay.
So is this the old, if anyone
asks, you stayed the
night at my house thing?
-Oh, my God.
-[laughs]
Do you think I'm a slut?
I don't know.
What would you say
if I asked you the same thing?
-You want to go home with Tony?
-Shh. [shushing] stop.
-Shut up.
-You're right.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've just-- [sighs]
I've been with Prentice
now for two years,
and it's been two years
of it being all about him.
Or-- Or about us. I don't--
I don't really know.
It's just been so long since
it's been me with a new guy
and getting to know him.
Getting his tongue stuck
down your throat.
I swear you are a guy
trapped in a girl's body.
[both laugh]
If I am, I'm definitely a homo,
'cause I love boys.
[laughs]
No, I get it. I get it.
Well, and it's not like I even
want to do anything.
I just want to get to
know him better.
It's okay. No need to explain.
Want some change for the
rubber machine?
[wind blowing]
[overlapping chatter]
Really sorry they took
off like that.
I don't know how Angelo
expected me to get you home.
It's-- It's okay.
Uh, well, we can walk
to my grandparents' house.
I'll borrow a car.
-Okay.
-Okay.
[music playing]
[music fades]
[Katie coughs]
[groans, spits]
-[Juke] Okay.
-[groans]
[toilet flushing]
Are you all right to
sit down in here?
I-I'm gonna get you
something to drink.
[sighs] Okay.
Here.
Come on. Just a sip.
[sighs]
[hiccups]
[laughs]
I'm a mess.
[sighs]
I don't know what's
gotten into me.
I didn't just lose Tony,
you know?
I lost the whole family.
[sighs]
Tomorrow night, they're
gonna be all together,
having a great time.
And I'm gonna be stuck at home
watching my mother fall asleep
in front of the television.
It's not fair, Juke.
-It's not fair.
-I know.
I know.
May I ask you a question?
Why do you expect Tony
or anyone of any quality
to care about you when you
care so little about yourself?
[laughs]
[sighs] Ah, Jesus, Juke.
You sound like Tony's bullshit.
Well, maybe you should have
listened to him.
All I ever did was love him.
All I ever did was worship him.
Yeah, and all Tony ever saw when
he looked at you was
you looking at him.
All you wanted to do was
hold on to him.
I loved him since the
third grade.
Of course I wanted to
hold on to him.
He didn't need to be held.
He was moving forward.
He-- He was growing.
And I think that's what he
needed in a girlfriend.
Hey, all right, enough.
I get it.
You think I didn't try?
You think I didn't try?
I read the books about the
dead fricking artists
who cut their ears off,
and I listened to the
music he wanted--
He needed you to bring
something more.
Something more than...
More than what?
More than just sex.
I gotta go.
Katie, look...
-You know, I can drive you.
-No.
No. I'm gonna walk.
Hey, um, my grandparents
let me use that shed as a
studio.
-Studio?
-Yeah.
You wanna see it?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
[ballad playing]
[fire crackling]
It's colder in there than
it is outside.
-Tony, you're really good.
-[chuckles]
I don't know why
you're studying business.
This thing heats up fast.
Like, these are really,
really, really good.
I mean, come on.
Come on. This is amazing.
I really-- I love this one.
You should be showing
these somewhere.
Yeah, can you see me running
around with the
New York art crowd?
Yeah, I can.
Well, not unless
we move the store to Manhattan.
What, so you just have to
run the store?
That-- That's it? You
don't get a say-so?
That's your destiny?
Well...
Well, yeah.
Although, until right now,
I guess I never realized
just how pathetic that is.
No, um, look,
if you want to be a garbageman,
I think that's great
if that's your heart's desire.
I guess I'm lucky my family
didn't go into sanitation.
Would you, uh-- [clears throat]
Would you like something to
drink?
Sure.
-Coke?
-Coke.
One Coke coming up. [exhales]
Uh, hey. Um...
you're not mad, are you?
No. [chuckles]
I'm not mad.
I'll be right back.
[exhales]
What are you doing?
Hey. Uh...
nothing. Just getting a Coke.
-You by yourself?
-[bottles rattle]
Yeah. Yeah, I, uh...
I can't sleep. You know,
so I thought I'd paint awhile,
sleep in the shed. Anyway,
night.
[door closes]
Going to paint.
Is that what they call
it these days?
[both chuckle]
[music playing]
It's getting pretty late.
Beth.
[sighs]
[whispering] God,
you're beautiful.
[music continues]
[TV playing indistinctly]
[audience laughs]
All right.
[sighs]
[grunts] Okay.
[music playing]
[wheels squealing]
I-- I need to get somebody
to take me to five-and-dime.
Ma, I gotta get this feast
started, all right?
Tony stayed out in the shed.
Let me get him to take you.
That stinks! [groans]
I get him myself.
[Christmas instrumental playing]
[no audible dialogue]
[door creaks]
Tony, can you pa--
Ahh. Puttana!
Ohh!
[groans]
Non! Nonnie!
[speaking Italian]
What did you just do?!
-I'm sorry about that.
-It's fine. I need to go,
anyways.
I'm supposed to meet Sarah
at the diner, so--
-Well, I can drive you.
-Oh, there's no need.
No, it's no problem.
Just give me a second.
-Hey!
-She's gotta go!
-No, she don't.
-Yes, she does!
-No, she don't.
-[sighs]
-Is this about to get worse?
-Uh...
I don't see how.
She seemed really angry.
You think so?
I think she was just surprised,
is all.
What does a puttana mean?
[clears throat] Is that--
I don't know. Is that Italian?
I don't know much Italian,
actually.
Do you want some more coffee?
Oh. Hey, what happened?
Ma called. She's all upset.
Oh. Thank you.
Who gave you the shiner?
Had a mix-up with a guy.
-What guy?
-Just a guy.
Beth, you want me
to drop you off at the diner?
-I got work at the store. It's
on the way.
-No, I should probably just
walk.
-I gotta go that way. I could
take youse.
-Who's gonna help me clean the
fish?
Johnny, we got all the
time in the world.
-I got things to do.
-I got things to do, too.
So I do my thing, you'll do your
thing, and then we'll do the--
All right, go-- go in the car.
-All right? Wai-- Go. Go.
-Okay.
-Go in the car. I'll meet you
there.
-All right. Here we go.
[Nonnie] It's okay.
Oh, my God. She's
coming with us?
[sighs]
She's coming?
I'll get Marian to take me.
-No, no.
-Oh, no.
I not get in the car.
You asked me to come
and get you!
-No. No.
-Ugh!
[crossing bell ringing]
Hey, uh, I had a really
great time last night.
Me, too.
Why don't you ask her to
dinner tonight?
Ah, she's got her own family,
Uncle Frank. She--
What are you talking about?
She's americano,
cake eater, for Christ's sake.
She's got nothin'. Am I right?
No. No, I'm not doing anything.
Um, unless-- unless you
don't want me to come.
No. No, why wouldn't I?
I mean...
Okay.
Okay, as in you're coming, okay?
Okay, we'll see.
Okay.
Okay! I hate to break up
this romantic interlude,
but I've got things to do.
Merry Christmas, Tony.
Merry Christmas.
[sighs] Oh, God.
[entry bell rings]
You're good.
You think?
Oh, yeah.
He'll be moping all day.
[chuckles]
Uh, what time you
figure to come?
I'm not coming.
I don't think your mom would be
very happy to see me there.
You're gonna be scared
of a little old lady?
Yeah! Yeah.
If we left the fighting
to your generation,
we'd all be saying,
"Heil, Hitler,"
instead of, "Merry Christmas."
Okay, fine.
Wh-What's time do you recommend?
Around 3:00, while we're
still cooking.
You wanna be able to appreciate
my brother's dictorial behavior.
Wear a dress.
You know, Tony's a leg man.
Who gave my nephew the shiner?
Oh, I-- I don't know.
Ah, I got a pretty good
idea who did it.
I just need a second opinion.
I-- I just-- I'd rather not say.
Do I look like I care
you'd rather not say?
[sighs] What?
-[knocking on door]
-What?!
[knocking on door]
Yeah.
[knockig on door]
How you doing?
[wailing]
[wailing continues]
-You know me?
-Yes, sir...
Mr. Oliverio. Ow!
-Now it's "Mr. Oliverio"?
-Yes, sir.
-I'm not an old fart?
-No, sir.
-Now listen to me.
-Yeah.
-I want you away from Katie,
understand?
-Yes, sir.
I don't want you near her.
-And you owe her $200 cash.
-Okay.
And get somebody else to
deliver it, not you.
I don't want to ever see you
near her again, you understand?
I understand.
Stay away from my nephew.
Aah! Oh, God.
[groans]
Hope I didn't scare you.
Actually, you know,
I thought it was great, you
avenging Tony.
Tony?
No.
He had nothing to do with it.
Whatever you say, Mr. Oliverio.
Oliverio?
Beth, we're accomplices now.
Better call me Frankie.
You've got to be joking.
You're gonna spend Christmas Eve
with people you don't even know?
What's the big deal? Okay,
I want to experience
an Italian Christmas.
So what?
Christmas Eve should be spent
quietly i-in your own home,
-not with a bunch of--
-Of what?
[sighs]
No, what were you gonna say?
Hey, Mom, you don't
even know them.
I grew up with plenty of Italian
people, Beth, more than you.
I do know them.
They're good, hardworking
people.
But they're not our
kind of people.
-Jesus.
-[telephone rings]
Are you gonna get that?
[ring]
-[Christmas instrumental
playing]
-Vinny, get me a little more
milk.
just, like, a half a cup.
Wonder when that brother of
yours is gonna show up.
Thinks his calamari's
gonna stuff itself.
He's probably showing that new
girl the old Oliverio charm.
Finish with that stuffing there,
Frankie?
Nah, not yet. It's still--
It's a little dry.
Where's the milk?
What all you putting in there,
Uncle Frankie?
You know, cheese,
Parmigiano-Reggiano, right,
and the egg and the garlic...
-Garlic?
-the bread crumb.
Then you add all the fish
that we been chopping up.
You know, for somebody
who doesn't do anything,
you know an awful lot.
Somebody's gotta supervise.
Yeah, well, supervise yourself.
[piano music playing]
When we gonna make the sauce?
The sauce will be made.
Yeah, but when?
-Soon as you open the can.
-Place some basil on there,
open up a couple cans of sauce,
and pour it on.
I bet Nonnie didn't
do it that way.
Nonnie didn't have luxury
of sauce in a can,
couldn't afford it.
They didn't invent the
can opener yet.
We didn't have fancy Christmases
like you kids did.
What, you guys didn't have
a Christmas tree?
-Hell, no.
-Christmas tree's a waste of
money.
-Are you kidding me?
-Christmas tree, this kid.
-We were lucky to get presents.
-Maybe we had some oranges,
maybe some chestnuts,
maybe some pop. That was it.
-Maybe some pop.
-It's all we had.
It's a different time, son.
Yeah, we lived in the
Depression,
for crying out loud.
You know what the Depression is?
[telephone rings]
[Johnny] Who was president?
-[ring]
-[Carmine] Hoover.
-Hello.
-[Frankie] Franklin Delano
Roosevelt.
-Hey.
-Was Hoover who got us out.
Uh, I don't know. At the store,
I guess.
-[conversation continues]
-Yeah, okay. All right.
[Johnny] Who was that?
That was Juke. He's
looking for Tony.
What the hell is he
looking for Tony for?
Who am I, Kojak?
-Oh ho!
-You a wiseguy?
-Yeah, coming along.
-You a wiseguy?
Good boy, Vinny. There's
hope for you yet.
-I'll smack that wig off your
head.
-[chuckles]
There he is, Mr. Michelangelo.
-[laughs]
-I bought one of your paintings.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Savarino.
My daughter's gonna love it.
-Good. I'm glad.
-You should be very proud.
Oh, I am. I think it's wonderful
he has such a positive hobby.
Thanks again, ma'am.
Appreciate it.
[overlapping chatter]
How come you didn't say
anything before?
I heard you had a big
night last night.
-It was something.
-Met a girl.
Yeah, fat lot of
good it'll do me.
Nonnie's got it in for her now.
Your great-grandmother's
not pissed because she
thinks the girl's a whore.
She's pissed 'cause
she's not Catholic.
-Hey, Mr. O.
-Jenk!
Hey, Tony. Uh, my uncle
wanted you to have some
of his homemade wine.
Aw, thanks, Juke.
That's very nice.
-Hey, Tone, slice up some
provolone.
-Sure.
Let's try this out now.
["Deck the Halls"
instrumental playing]
Wow. What's this pretty little
thing coming up the driveway?
[Frankie] Oh, that must be Beth.
Boy, Johnny, your grandson
has a way with the ladies.
I wish I came up with
that brooding artist scam.
-Beth!
-Hi, Frankie!
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
How are you, darlin'?
-Good. How are you?
-Good. Let me have your coat.
-Who's that, Beth?
-[Frankie] Yeah.
You want something to drink?
We got wine, beer, soda,
bourbon, whiskey, vodka, wine--
-You said wine already.
-Shut up, will you?
-I am Carmine...
-Hi.
-Tony's favorite uncle. Nice to
meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
The beautiful Beth.
How are you, sweetheart?
-I'm great. How are you?
-Good.
-You ever meet Tony's brother,
Vincent?
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
Everybody works, babe.
Tell you what. Why don't you sit
here, and I'll get a chair,
-and you can grate the cheese.
-Good idea.
Why can't you bring a nice
girl home like that?
This, you could stab Frankie
with if he gets out of line.
["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
playing]
-Salute.
-Salute.
Hey, Tone, Mrs.
Paginelli's here.
She wants her smelt and
whiting order.
-Don't drink that.
-Mm-hmm.
[entry bell rings]
[woman] Hey, Mrs. Oliverio.
How-- How is-- How's the eye?
Oh, it doesn't hurt as
bad as it looks.
How are you doing?
I think I'm losing my mind.
It's really bugging
me this year...
not having someone.
I know what it is.
It's because I want it so bad.
I mean, ask any Buddhist.
They'll tell you.
-[man] You got my order?
-I don't think I know any
Buddhists.
[telephone ringing]
Yeah, neither do I.
You know, Beth's thinking
of coming over
for the Feast tonight.
Oh.
[sighs]
She's a really great girl, Juke.
-[Mr. Oliverio] Hello. Yeah.
-So smart, interest in stuff,
-you know?
-Pop, we been slammed all day.
She wants something more
than to just be somebody's wife.
[Mr. Oliverio]
I know, for crying out loud!
So what's the problem?
Christ sakes, Pop, we're not
the only family cooking fish
tonight!
Do you remember last
Christmas Eve?
They're your family, Tony.
You can't change that.
No, no, and I'm not saying
I ever wanted to, but I just...
Just what?
There's a whole lot of people
out there who might not
appreciate our av...
-You know.
-Idiosyncrasies.
Yeah.
[telephone hangs up]
Yeah, I can relate to that.
Your grandfather's driving
me crazy with the
lupinis and the cheese.
Look, do me a favor.
Take your mother's car,
and go over there, and stay
there, and help them.
All right, but I gotta
shower first.
["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
playing]
Soup is Tony's favorite.
What you wanna do is
put all kinds of fish in there.
Except for the shellfish.
That, you wait until the end.
Last couple of minutes,
you throw that in.
Then, when it's done,
you take chunks of hard bread,
-and you toss it in there and--
-Don't forget the saffron.
No, don't do the saffron!
I don't do it with--
-Mmm.
-Frankie!
-What?
-I don't do it with the saffron.
That's not how Mom and Dad did
it, so I don't--
If Mom and Dad could
afford saffron,
believe me, they would have
added it to this.
It's wonderful. I...
[sniffs] Ahh.
I picked it up in Montreal.
Mmm. Wow, I hear Montreal is
amazing.
What were you doing up there?
Oh, uh, you know, business.
Mmm.
-Okay, Ma, come on.
-No, no, no.
-I can get out myself.
-You're gonna fall down on the
ice.
No, I'm not an old lady.
-Okay.
-I got it.
All right.
What, are you giving me
the silent treatment now?
It's not gonna work.
All right.
-Okay, I got you.
-What?
[water flowing]
-Oh!
-Frankie!
-You don't knock?
-In my own house?!
-All right.
-[groans]
-[puckers]
-[groans]
-Come on, Ma.
-[Johnny laughs]
-Ohh!
-Sorry.
-It's all right.
-Well, it's about damn time,
boy.
You got the lupinis
and the smelts?
Yeah, I got it, Pap.
What's the matter? You
look disappointed.
No. No, it's cool.
-No? You sure?
-Yeah. Why?
I've got something
to cheer you up, junior.
Buon Natale, Antonio!
[laughter]
-Eh? Oh? Huh?
-Hi.
Now go down to the cellar.
Bring up some chairs for your
grandma.
["Jingle Bells"
instrumental playing]
Hey, how 'bout a nice piece
of baccala, huh?
It ain't Christmas
without the baccala.
-How 'bout you, Coop?
-Yes, sir.
We're set.
I was just thinking
about how much of a shame it is
to be all alone on Christmas
Eve, and I was--
Engaged?
No! Wow-- Congratulations.
No, I didn't know.
Oh. That's great.
Oh, I'm so-- I'm very--
I'm very happy for you.
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
[wind blowing]
[Christmas music playing inside]
-Hey, would you stop?
-I'm helping.
-So how long do you bake the
calamari?
-'Bout an hour.
And the buccala and the whiting?
-Baccala!
-Baccala!
-Baccala!
-'Bout another hour.
-It's a real exact science.
-I picked up on it.
-All right, Tony...
-Yeah.
grab some of that--
There's some antipasto in the
fridge.
Put it on the table out there,
will you?
All right, we got
a whole lot of shit to do
and not a lot of time to do it,
so everybody, listen up, okay?
I want all nonessential
personnel out of the
damn kitchen.
Not you, Carmine!
That means all women,
sweetheart, okay?
Vince.
Don't let my mom talk
your head off.
-I'll be fine.
-[Johnny] All right.
Put a couple of cups of
flour in there.
Get a paper bag out the pantry,
some salt and pepper.
We're gonna do the smelt first.
Tony, here. Heat up
this skillet...
with, uh, some oil,
some hot pepper seasoning,
a little bit of garlic.
-Okay.
-All right, Vince, how's that
bag coming?
-I'm working on it.
-All right.
Start putting the smelt in
there. Shake 'em up real good.
-Carmine, fix me another drink,
will you?
-That, I can do.
Frankie, how's them
shrimp coming?
Almost done cleaning it.
What do you mean almo--
You ain't done yet?!
You know, your favorite baby
brother was supposed to help.
All damn day to fart
around town,
and the shrimp ain't cleaned?
I turn my back for one minute,
and you guys screw up Christmas.
-[door rattles]
-Hey, buon Natale!
-[all yelling]
-Buon Natale at you.
I'm here, and I brought my
appetite, so...
Well, I sure didn't figure you
to show up and actually work.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Here. Come here.
-[chorus vocalizing on TV]
-[overlapping chatter]
-You know, like that.
-I got one!
-Wow!
-[laughs]
Oh, I thought we'd never
get that store closed!
Oh, finally! You're here!
-Yeah, hi, Ma.
-Oh, gosh. Oh.
I gotta get back to the kitchen
before Dad has a conniption.
-Merry Christmas.
-[puckers]
It's good to see you, kids.
[laughs]
Oh.
You must be Beth.
[chuckles] Hi.
Nice to meet you.
[chuckles] Yeah.
-[Johnny] Tony.
-Yeah?
Grab these, will you?
Put 'em out on the table, all
right?
All right, Carmine,
you gonna do the baccala balls?
Ah! Baccala's a fish...
don't have balls.
Every year, he tells the same
damn joke.
Every year, nobody laughs.
-[sizzling]
-Ah, shit.
-What's the matter?
-Damn smelt burned me.
Your mother hears that language,
she's gonna burn a lot more
than your finger.
[Mr. Oliverio] Coming along,
old man?
-You're gonna get hurt, son.
-I remember.
Be good to wash out
that wooden spoon.
-[chuckles]
-[laughs]
Here. Why don't you
put some water on for pasta?
-All right, Pop.
-Old man, your ass.
-You got it.
-All right, Frankie.
-Yo!
-Carmine finishes the baccala
balls,
-you gotta get the shrimp in
there.
-God damn it, Johnny!
We're working as fast as we can.
Well, work a little faster,
will you, please?
Oh, these are gonna be
some nice-looking balls.
-[door rattles]
-Buon Natale, everybody!
-Ohh!
-Hey!
-Merry Christmas!
-Yeah!
Well, I hope you come
ready to work.
Hell, no. I came to eat.
-Where's Louise?
-Kids are coming by for dinner.
Give me a glass, will you?
Well, you should have brought
'em.
-Here you go.
-Johnny, they got no stomach
for this damn crazy 'tali food.
Me, you already ruined.
You hear that?
How'd he ruin you, Bernard?
Well, there was a cave-in
in the mine once,
and, uh, your granddaddy
was stuck down there for, what,
nine hours while they were
trying to dig us out.
And he was the only one
that had a lunch bucket.
I got so hungry, that
damn garlic started
tasting real good.
-[laughter]
-That's how I got ruined.
That's a true story.
I told him it was only fair,
right?
Coal mine's gonna make everybody
a black man, right?
-May as well make 'em Italian,
too.
-Ah, go ahead. You full of mess.
-Give me some of that.
-[camera whirring]
All right, here's to you.
[big band Christmas
music playing]
[no audible dialogue]
[overlapping chatter]
[clinking glass]
-Oh, everyone...
-Juke's making a toast.
I just would like to
make a toast,
uh, to the chefs who
labored long and hard
and capped their efforts
with a 45-minute sprint
through heat, garlic, and
obscenities.
Thank you. We salute you.
-Salute!
-Salute!
-Salute!
-Salute!
-Gitano!
-I like that.
-[glasses clinking]
-Hear! Hear!
-And you didn't want me to come
tonight.
-That's not true.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna get another beer.
Do you want something?
Uh, I'm sticking to vinos.
"Vino." Wow.
-Okay.
-[laughs]
-You've gotta try some of this.
-Hmm?
I-Is this chicken?
Are we allowed to have meat
tonight?
Chicken? Nah, that's eel.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Bathroom's that way.
Whoa! [laughs]
-Are you all right?
-[spits]
Eel?
[groans] I'm full.
It was delicious, wasn't it?
-Yeah.
-Ma, what do you think?
Food was pretty good, huh?
Mom, be honest.
It's okay.
The baccala was salty.
I don't think
you changed the water enough.
-You never change the water
enough!
-Ma, I changed it for three
days.
-Ma, I told him yesterday the--
-For a week, I was soaked in
water.
He doesn't change the
water enough!
-That's what I just said.
-Yes!
Get out. Let me out of here.
-I thought it was good, Pop.
-[laughing]
[Nonnie] Come back here!
-What, you like this stuff?
-Yeah.
Sinatra, Dino, I grew up
with all this stuff.
-Finally, some normal people.
-Oh, here we go.
What are you listening to, huh?
You like good music?
-Mm-hmm.
-You like polka music?
-Polka music?
-It's like Christmas carols,
but they're not about Christmas.
Need to play some polka
music for you.
1, 2, 3, Popolski!
[humming along] Scram, shorty.
[singers whooping]
[Beth] Oh, my!
Does-- Does old Johnny have
a roll of hard salami in his
pants,
-or is he just really enjoying
this polka?
-Is that image really necessary?
-I had to do it. I had to do it.
-Come on.
[Angelo] Can a guy get some food
around here?
-[overlapping chatter]
-Merry Christmas!
-May I?
-[humming along]
Yes, ma'am, you may.
[Sarah] Merry Christmas!
-Oh, God.
-Merry Christmas! Mwah!
-Was he bothering you?
-No.
-Was that weird? Really sorry
about that.
-No, no. It's fine. It was fun,
I promise.
You don't have to do that again.
If he comes up to you about
polka,
-just say no every time.
-Oh, merry Christmas! Mwah!
-Get your grubby paws off me.
-Hi, Sarah.
-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas.
Beth, you decided to make it.
And I just danced my
first polka.
Oh, the polka. Be careful.
Someone might think you condone
that type of tasteless behavior.
What kind of birth control
did you use last night?
Ouch!
-[Christmas music playing
inside]
-[urinating]
[train horn blowing]
[zips zipper]
Katie.
You need three of a kind
and four of a kind, rummy.
So then I was drafted by
the Philadelphia Eagles to play
football,
-but I ended up never going.
-Why?
Little thing called
World War II.
Marian, you got the sausage
ready in there?
They're in the roaster, John.
Wait. Sausage?
Oh, after midnight,
it's okay to eat meat again.
Mama, want me to take
you to church?
No.
Her.
Me? You want-- You want me
to take you to church?
Don't do it, Beth. It's a trap.
Nonnie, she really
doesn't have to.
No, no. Tony, it's-- it's fine.
I'd like to.
-[vomits]
-[splashing]
[coughs]
-[bell pealing]
-[train horn blowing]
[piano music playing]
[bell pealing]
[woman speaking Italian]
It's okay. They no
throw you out.
Ave Maria
Gratia plena
Maria gratia plena
Maria gratia plena
Ave ave dominus
Dominus tectum
Benedicta tu in mulieribus
[fading] Et benedictus
[instrumental playing]
[Nonnie] I love my Tony so much.
He named after my husband.
He look like my husband.
He's a nice boy.
I think he's a very nice boy.
He's going to like you
because you no Catholic.
Is that what a puttan...
-Ah!
-[both laughing]
A puttana. [laughs]
No, it's a whore.
-Oh. Oh.
-[groans]
You no puttana.
Oh. That's a relief.
But, uh, you come
from a family that is, uh...
different from us, maybe,
more money.
A man can marry down
to a woman who has nothing,
and it can work.
But a girl who has something,
no, it's...
for sure, it's no good.
Maybe for some girls,
but not for me.
You think?
I think any girl
would be lucky to have Tony.
Including me.
[chuckles] You right about that.
[chuckles]
You sure you no smoke?
-No. No, ma'am. No, I hate
cigarettes.
-That's okay.
Okay. I let you see my Tony.
Okay.
But you hurt him...
I put the malocchio on you.
-The what?
-It's evil eye.
It's very bad for you.
How was church?
It was, um...
Actually, it was very moving.
You know, I'm glad I went.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Good. Well, I was gonna stay out
for a bit and get some air.
You too cold to hang out?
No. No, not at all.
So, um, what do you think?
About the Feast and all?
I mean, besides the obvious
psychological problems of my
family.
It's been about the best
Christmas I think I've ever had.
[car door closes]
That's just great!
Because I went skiing,
you do this?
Who's this?
I'm her boyfriend. Or
didn't she tell you?
Tony, Tony, it's not
what you th--
-You have a boyfriend.
-No.
Jesus Christ, Beth.
Yeah, she's got a boyfriend.
Okay, all the romance
of Christmas,
it's all just make-believe.
You made me look like a fool.
Now get in the car.
Get in the car!
Don't talk to her like that.
Or what? Huh?
-Okay, stop.
-What are you gonna do?
Stop! Stop! Stop. I'll
get in the car.
I-- I'm sorry.
You're lucky.
Just come on, Prentice.
Disgusting. Down here like
some sort of slut.
What did you call her?
-Tony--
-Oh, yeah?
-Come on, guinea.
-Tony! Tony, don't!
-I'll kick your ass so bad--
-Tony!
Stop it! Stop it right now,
or I'll call the police!
Oh, my God. What--
Mom, what are you even doing
here?
Get in the car now.
Did you call him?!
We're going home, Beth.
Just-- Prentice, just
get in the car.
-Beth.
-[car door closes]
Beth, you don't have to go,
right?
Tony, they're my family.
Well, can't you just tell 'em
what you want?
Are you really, of all people,
gonna ask me that?
Stop. Stop. Just stop. Stop.
Merry Christmas, Tony.
[car door closes]
[engine starts]
[winces]
All right, all right. Eh,
sit down.
Don't you make
anything out of this.
Tony sure threw him a beating,
huh?
-Hey, Carmine.
-What?
Shh!
Attaboy.
Yeah, never knew
you could fight like that.
Actually didn't look
like a girl out there.
Too bad that guy snaked you
with Beth, though.
I've had about enough of you,
Vincent Salvatore.
Go scrub the sausage roaster.
Okay.
I don't even know
why you're so upset at this.
She's a snob. Screw her.
I wish it were that easy.
Anyway, it's probably
for the best.
There we go.
Do you know what I keep
thinking about?
What's that?
Last night, when she
was asleep...
her breathing...
was like the most beautiful
thing I ever heard.
Hey, Angelo, I gotta get going.
Yeah, all right.
Tony, if I knew she was gonna
get back together with Prentice,
I would have never
brought her to meet you.
Honestly, not meeting her
would have been worse.
You know why girls
fall for Tony?
'Cause he's not afraid to tell
'em how he feels.
Like, the way he talks,
the way he says things...
if you ever talked to me
like that, Angelo...
you only knew how it
would make me feel.
[chuckles]
Sarah, I'm not that kind of
guy...
could say those things.
I-It doesn't mean
that I don't feel 'em, though.
You know, I-- I feel things.
I'm just not gonna tell you.
I'd feel embarrassed,
like you'd think
I was stupid or something, you
know?
Seriously.
Like if I told you last night,
you know, afterwards,
when we were laying there,
like, it was great
just to listen to you breathe.
It was the most beautiful sound
I ever heard in my life.
[Frankie] Fish wasn't bad.
You changed the water enough.
-[Carmine] Here we go.
-[Nonnie chuckles]
-[conversation continues softly]
-[mutters]
Ohh.
You don't worry about this girl.
I--
I put the malocchio on her.
[chuckles]
That car probably gonna crash
tonight.
[chuckles]
Cut off her head.
Oh, gee, thanks, Non.
When I come to this, uh,
country,
I have an uncle, he is here.
And, one day, he take me
out to the yard,
and he show me three men.
He say, "Pick one."
[laughs]
I don't even know their name.
So I, uh, pick my husband.
And, when he die...
I want to die.
I love him so much.
Even though we no
have big wedding,
big celebration, like on, uh...
Guiding Light.
She's a nice girl.
But there are other nice girls.
Nice Italian girls.
[laughs]
Thanks, Non.
[kiss]
[door opens, closes]
Boy, times have changed.
When we were kids, all she did
was yell
and beat our ass with a wooden
spoon.
Yeah, well, maybe you
deserved it.
-Definitely deserved it.
-Definitely.
[Johnny] I'll beat your ass
tonight with it.
I-- I think I'm gonna
call it a night.
-Where you going?
-I gotta go home.
-We're just warming up.
-Ah, I know.
Take me with you.
Hey, uh, do you mind if I take
a little bit of the fish with
me?
-Sure. Take the baccala.
-Okay.
-All right.
-Plenty of baccala left.
Best damn baccala
you'll ever have in your life.
Right? Wasn't it?
This was a winning seat,
wasn't it?
What?
[sighs]
[sighs]
Are you okay, man?
To tell you the truth,
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
[ballad playing]
Merry Christmas.
[sighs]
[TV playing in Italian]
[knock on door]
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
I was afraid you were mad at me.
You're the guy who holds
a girl's hair back when she's
puking.
How could anyone be mad at you?
You gonna give me a hard time
for going over there?
I think you needed to
go over there...
make it real so you
could move on.
You should write a frickin'
book.
You're a good friend, Juke,
to Tony and me.
Thank you.
You wanna come in
and heat some of this up?
-Yeah.
-Come on in. It's cold.
Beth.
The worst part of being a parent
is seeing things come at
your children
that you know can hurt them
and being unable to
prevent a catastrophe.
Catastrophe?
The only catastrophe tonight
was the one that you created.
[sighs]
I would do anything
to protect you.
I know.
Prentice is still
awake downstairs.
And it is Christmas.
[fire crackling]
I was an idiot...
to go skiing instead of
spending Christmas with you.
And I'm sorry...
for losing my temper
and for saying those things.
I am so jealous.
I just need to learn
to control my temper.
If I'd have been in control...
he wouldn't have even
landed a punch.
Well, it's time to grow up,
I guess.
I'm not gonna lose you.
It's time to start
planning our future.
[ballad playing]
[Carmine] I'll see
youse tomorrow.
[music continues]
[no audible dialogue]
[laughs]
[music continues]
[birds chirping]
-[TV playing]
-[sighs]
Hey, I didn't know
you slept here.
-Yeah.
-Can I get you some coffee?
Um, sure, Pap. Thanks.
There you go.
[knock on door]
Oh, who the heck is that
this early in the morning?
Hi.
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
We missed you last night.
Merry Christmas.
Your mom says you
stayed over here.
Katie, you shouldn't have.
Really. I mean,
I didn't get you anything.
-Stop right there. I just...
-[bells pealing]
I just came over here
to say merry Christmas
and-- and that I'm sorry
for everything.
Go on. Open it. [chuckles]
Wow.
Yeah, wow.
No one has been
a better friend to me than you.
And when you come round,
and you try to get me to
fall into bed with you,
well, yeah, I want to, but...
I love you too much...
not to love you enough.
[chuckles]
Jeez, Tony. You know,
you wonder why I can't get over
you
when you say stuff like that.
I can't be your friend.
Not right now, anyway.
I wanna be worth it.
And I know I gotta
change some stuff,
but, for what it's worth,
I think, um...
I think you need
to change some stuff, too.
Merry Christmas.
[coffee maker percolating]
You know, uh...
I've been thinking about
something, Pap.
Yeah, what's that?
Well, I'd like to leave school,
the-- the business program.
Really?
Do what? Come work at the store?
-No. [clears throat]
Um...
I want to go to art school.
There's a really good one
in Pittsburgh.
But at least I wanna try,
anyways.
You gonna say something?
Sit down.
[clears throat]
Let me tell you something.
When my father came to
this country,
he worked like a goddamn slave
in them mines.
The mines killed him.
Just so his family
could do a little bit better
than they did back in
the old country.
And, thanks to him...
I was able to get out...
and start the store.
Because of that,
your dad never had to
work in the mines.
You think we're just done here,
that's it?
We went through all the shit
we went through just to stand
still?
You wanna go to art school?
Do you?
Then, you go to art school.
Dad would never go for it.
Have you ever even asked him?
Hmm?
Give the man a little credit.
Now do me a favor.
Take out the garbage, will you?
Your brother was supposed to
take it out, and he didn't,
-and the whole house is
stinking.
-All right.
Shit.
How are you people at breakfast?
You mean how do they act,
or how's the food?
Both.
Well, um, Christmas,
Easter, funerals, bar mitzvahs,
it doesn't really matter.
They're always the same.
-The food's pretty great,
though.
-[chuckles]
About Prentice, I'm so--
Buon Natale, Antonio.
[laughs]
Buon Natale.
[music playing]
[no audible dialogue]
[Christmas music playing]