Hey, it's Monday morning,
and I'm Jack Lucas.
Hi. This is about my husband.
Yes.
He drives me crazy.
I'll be talking...
and he'll never let me
finish a sentence.
- He's always finishing--
- He's always finishing your thoughts.
That's awful.
It absolutely drives me--
It drives you crazy, doesn't it?
He's a scoundrel.
Jack, you've hit the nail--
Hit the nail on the head.
Somebody ought to hit you on the head.
So tell us. How long have you
and Senator Payton been having...
this sleazy affair?
This is great.
This is disgusting.
I am tired
of the public thinking...
that they have a right to invade
a person's private life.
Come on. You had sex with a senator
in the parking lot of Sea World.
You're telling me you're
a private kind of person? No.
- You're our--
- Spotlight Celebrity!
We want to hear about
the backrests of limos.
About the ruined lives of people
we want to be.
New and exotic uses
for champagne corks.
I have been humiliated enough already,
okay?
Perhaps not.
We need those details.
You're a pig, Jack.
You're on the air, caller.
Hello, Jack. It's Edwin.
Oh, it's Edwin!
We haven't heard from you in what?
A day? I've missed you.
I've missed you, too.
It's sunrise confession time.
What have you got for us?
I went to this bar...
this very hard-to-get-into place
called Babbitt's.
I know the place. It's a chic
yuppie watering hole.
I met this beautiful woman.
Come on. If you start telling me
you're falling in love again...
I'll have to remind you of the time
we made you propose...
to that check-out girl at Thritty's
that you liked so much.
Do you remember her reaction?
She was just a girl.
This is a beautiful woman.
And "Pinocchio" is a true story.
You'll never get this tart
to your dessert plate.
This is different.
She likes--
Edwin ! Come on, now.
I told you about these people.
They only mate with their own kind.
It's called yuppie inbreeding.
That's why so many are retarded and wear
the same clothes. They're not human.
They don't feel love.
They only negotiate love moments.
They're evil.
They're repulsed by imperfection,
horrified by the banal.
Everything that America stands for,
everything that you and I tight for.
They must be stopped
before it's too late.
It's us or them.
Okay, Jack.
All right.
Well, it's been a thrill, as always.
Have a perfect day. Everyone here
at the "Jack Lucas Show"...
says "Bye."
This is Jack Lucas.
So long. Arrivederci.
I'll be sending you a thought today...
as I lie in the back
of my stretch limo...
having sex with the teenager
of my choice.
And that thought will be...
"Thank God I'm me."
Some of this is very funny.
They even secured the rights to the
Donna Summer song to play over credits.
Ooh, I have chills.
You sure they want me? I won't read it
unless I have an offer.
Of course. Not even a question.
When I talked to them on the phone,
I could smell how much they want you.
I could smell it over the phone.
Bums.
I don't have any change.
You have any?
I'm not opening this window.
A couple quarters isn't gonna make
any difference anyway.
I hate my cheeks.
Raoul called before about dinner.
Oh, God.
About dinner as a concept,
or about dinner with Raoul?
You're so witty.
I've got to get out of here
and do something.
Tomorrow is a very big day for me.
It would be nice it you pretended
like you understood.
Fine. I'll say no.
- They're putting me on film tomorrow.
- Fine.
First time in my life
I'll be a voice with a body.
You know what that means?
What this could lead to?
It's a sitcom, Jack.
You're not defining pi.
I'll remember that when you get excited
drawing pubic hair on Raisin Bran.
Do you want some?
No. I have to work.
How un-'60s of you.
I was nine in the '60s.
I used to think...
my biography
ought to be entitled...
"Jack Lucas:
The Face Behind the Voice."
But now it can be,
"Jack Lucas: The Face and the Voice."
Or maybe just "Jack!"
Exclamation point.
"Honey, where's my orange cup
with the teddy bear?
I'll kill that old bitch.
I have a fever.
I really think I'm dying.
Well, forgive me."
Forgive me.
I have this.
I really have this.
They're evil. They're repulsed by
imperfection, horrified by the banal.
Everything that America stands for,
everything that you and I fight for.
They must be stopped before
it's too late. It's us or them.
It was Mr. Lucas's offhand remark
that had fatal impact on Mr. Malnick.
Marc Saffron is on the scene.
An after-work hot spot...
Babbitt's is popular
with single, young professionals.
Edwin Malnick arrived
at the peak hour of 7:15...
took one long look at the collection
of the city's best and brightest...
then removed a shotgun
from his overcoat and opened fire.
Seven people were killed before
Mr. Malnick turned the gun on himself...
and shot a hole through his head.
Representatives of radio personality
Jack Lucas expressed regret...
however no formal comment
has been made.
Neighbors of Malnick said he was
a quiet man who lived alone.
"You scarcely knew he was there," said
a woman who lived near Malnick 11 years.
But today, few will soon forget
this lonely man...
who reached out to a world
he knew only through the radio...
looking for friendship,
and finding only pain and tragedy.
Marc Saffron, Channel Seven News.
Fuck.
Garbage. People are garbage.
Pigs!
Go ahead and panic.
Mr. Happiness.
You gonna do a little work today
or what?
What, out there?
They're not terrorists.
They're just ordinary people
like you and me.
Breakfast of champions, right?
That one.
That will be for me,
and then this scary one.
Yes. A scary one and a funny one.
Can you help me?
I've been looking over an hour,
and I'm losing my mind.
What I'm in the mood for is
a Katherine-Hepburny, Cary-Granty thing.
Nothing heavy. I couldn't take heavy.
I'm looking for something zany.
Or something modern would be fine,
like a Goldie-Hawny, Chevy-Chasey thing.
You know, funny.
I have to laugh tonight.
Do you have anything with
that comedian? He's on that show.
It's "On the Radio." You know,
the guy who says, "Hey, forgive me."
I get such a kick out of the way
he says that.
He's so adorable.
That would be perfect.
Didn't he make a movie?
"Ordinary Peepholes."
It's kind of a big-titty,
spread-cheeky kind of thing.
Excuse me. I just want
to borrow him for a minute.
You're gonna love that.
- That was a frightening woman.
- Are you in one of your moods today?
If she didn't get something zany quick,
she was going to pull the pin.
Is this one of the days
when you're in your emotional abyss?
I don't understand these moods
that you get into.
They're my moods.
You want to understand moods, have one
of your own. I hate desperate people.
Sweetie, baby, love of my life,
you hate people.
Why don't you take the day off?
Go upstairs, put your feet up.
I'll cook tonight. Okay?
All right.
Have you seen my orange cup
with the teddy bear?
Grandma used it
for her urine specimen.
- It's funny. What do you want from me?
- It's not funny.
-Why do we watch it all the time?
-I feel good to see how not funny it is.
How America doesn't know funny, which
makes it easier not being famous...
because that would mean
I'm not really talented.
You are a sick fuck.
You know that?
I don't know why you torture yourself.
- Don't do that. I don't like that.
- I'm trying to watch.
You have too many thoughts
roaming around.
You're very self-absorbed.
Divert yourself.
Read a book.
It's important to think, Anne.
It's what separates us from lentils...
and people that read books
like "Love Song."
Great book, dumb title.
You know, you used to say
you liked that about me.
You used to say you liked that we
didn't have to think all the time...
that we could just be together
and not think.
Well...
suicidal paranoiacs
will say anything to get laid.
Have another drink, Jack.
It's on the house, like everything else.
I hope when you're my age, your children
treat you with the same disrespect.
I've got a fever. I'm dying.
You're not dying.
You just have a cold.
You can't die before Sunday because
we're going to the Billy Joel concert.
Well, forgive me!
Madness!
Shit!
Forgive me!
Fuck.
Watch it, asshole.
Forgive me, tuck-head!
Hey, over here!
Here I am.
Taxi !
Hello! Merry Christmas!
Hey, buddy, help a guy out.
Help me out with a quarter.
Come on. Sport.
Get away from me.
You're a maniac.
You're crazy.
Mr. Bum?
Here.
Anybody here named Jiminy?
You ever read Nietzsche?
Nietzsche says there are
two kinds of people in the world.
People who are destined
for greatness...
like Walt Disney and Hitler...
and then there's the rest of us.
He called us...
"the bungled and the botched."
We get teased.
We sometimes get close to greatness...
but we never get there.
We're the expendable masses.
We get pushed in front of trains,
take poison aspirin...
get gunned down in Dairy Queens.
You want to hear the new title
of my biography...
my little Italian friend?
"It Was No Fuckin' Picnic:
The Jack Lucas Story."
You like it?
Il Nova Esta
Fuckin' Picnic-O.
You're a good kid.
You just say "No" to drugs.
You ever get the feeling sometimes...
you're being punished for your sins?
What's goin' on?
I said, what's goin' on?
What are you doin' here, man?
You shouldn't hang around
this neighborhood.
I was just leaving.
People spend hard-earned money
for this neighborhood.
It's not fair looking out their window
and see your ass asleep on the streets!
Yes, I agree.
That's very good.
You believe this drunk?
Me neither, man. Do it!
Hold, varlet...
or feel the sting of my shaft!
In the name of Blanche De Fleur,
unhand that errant knight!
Do you speak English?
Let the bum go, dipshit.
Mendacity!
Why are two city squires like you...
abusing a knight like this?
You a faggot?
Faggot? No, but I do believe
in fairies.
- Not without dinner.
- You fucking nuts?
Viola! Let's show him what he's won.
I advise you to let us go.
- You advise us?
- Yes. You're outnumbered, son. See?
Looks like "Night of the Living Dead."
Come on! Go for it!
- They can't do nothin'.
- "Can't do nothin'."
Nothing?
Gentlemen.
I like New York in June
How about you
I like a Gershwin tune
How about you
Look, it's show time.
You know, boys...
there's three things in this world
that you need:
Respect for all kinds of life...
a nice bowel movement
on a regular basis...
and a navy blazer.
One more thing.
Never take your eye off the ball!
Of course, the ability to bean
a shithead can be a fabulous advantage.
Please, don't hurt me.
Why? So you can be healthy
when you jump? No.
You can't leave me tied up here alone,
you fucking faggot!
Oh, you're not gonna be alone.
Come and get it!
I need a drink.
I know a fabulous place
with great ambiance.
What do you think of the death penalty?
Death's definitely a penalty.
It ain't no fuckin' gift.
Life's too goddamn short.
Great place, huh?
- How are you tonight?
- Not bad, John. And you?
- Can't complain.
- Can I interest anybody in a fruit pie?
No, thank you. Too fattening.
- Have a drink.
- I better be leaving.
Drink, goddamn it!
I think they like you.
I like New York in June
How about you
You were great tonight, Parry.
I like potato chips
and moonlight and roses
How about you
Welcome back.
How you feeling?
Have I died?
Easy. You want to get up?
There you go.
Gravity works.
Take it real slow. There you go.
- Take a few breaths.
- Where am l?
It's my domicile.
It's my humble abode.
Mi casa is su casa.
Want something to eat? Your stomach must
be a real tabula rasa after last night.
These are raisins or rat shit.
You can't tell sometimes.
Oh ! How about a fruit pie?
You're right.
I was off a couple months.
It's nice to have company.
Hi.
- Where are my shoes?
- What?
Excuse me.
What is it? I've got company.
What?
I knew it. I knew it last night.
I did too.
Don't look at me.
He's the one.
- Can you keep a secret?
- No.
Good. Because you know what
the little people told me?
The little people?
You know.
They said you're the one.
The one what?
Shut up!
Get away from him!
This will get them.
Wintergreen.
I'm sorry about this.
There we are.
They said you're not ready
to know yet.
I'm not.
He is too!
Get out of here!
Beat it! I have Raid!
Oh, yeah, fly up there.
Move out. Out of here.
You can't be in there.
You're frightening him.
- You know who I am?
- I'm drawing a blank.
Take a guess.
Let him guess.
I don't know. You seem to be
some kind of vigilante?
That happens along the way, of course,
but here's a clue.
A hood ornament.
No. I'm a knight...
on a special quest.
And I need help.
Quest.
That's why they sent you.
- The little--
- Yes. Yes.
You see, they work for Him.
So do l.
Him?
God.
I'm the janitor of God.
I know.
Yeah. I know how you feel.
They came to me about a year ago.
I was sitting on the john having one
of those satisfying bowel movements.
Those ones that border on mystical?
Where you're like--
And there they were.
Hundreds of the cutest
little tat people...
floating right in front of me.
It was wonderful.
And then...
they spoke.
They said I had been chosen
to get back something very special...
that He had lost,
and my part would be dangerous.
I said, "Whoa! Hold it right there."
You start seeing little fat people that
tell you you're on a mission from God...
they'll slap you
some heavy Thorazine.
I said, "Give me a sign."
They said, "Look in
'Progressive Architecture'...
February '88, page 33."
That's pretty specific, huh?
Bingo! He knows.
He knows. It's right here.
Where is it?
A, B, F, M!
It's under miscellaneous,
not mythology.
Look at this. Here it is.
Right there. See it?
Langdon Carmichael.
Right there. See it?
What?
The grail.
The Holy Grail.
It's God's symbol of divine grace.
The Holy--
Some billionaire has the Holy Grail
in his library on Fifth Avenue.
Who'd think you'd find anything divine
on the Upper East Side?
I don't mean to be flippant
or enrage you...
but you're a psychotic man.
A very nice psychotic man.
I appreciate what you did.
I think it was a brave and noble thing.
You're embarrassing me.
I'm sure I'll see of lot of you
on talk shows when you get the grail.
Please, don't go!
I can't.
I can't get it...
'cause he's out there.
He's always out there.
That's why you can get it.
That's why you're the one.
I'm not the one.
I'm not anyone.
Forget about the shoes.
- I'm gonna take a cab--
- Parry.
- I'm Jack.
- I know.
Wait. Don't--
They're-- Here they are!
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
You can keep the doll.
Thanks a mil, huh?
Now that you know where we are,
don't be a stranger.
Come back. We'll rummage.
Take care of yourself, Jack.
Give my love to the wife.
I'm not married.
Really? You look married.
Don't be a stranger.
See ya.
Hey, where you coming from?
The basement, I think.
I tell him no visitors!
Hold it.
You a friend of Parry's?
I don't allow no entertaining.
I let him stay here out of the goodness
of my heart because of the tragedy...
but I'm not running a hotel,
and nobody's taking advantage of me.
Tragedy?
He and his wife were in some bar...
and some nut comes in with a shotgun
and blew the place apart.
Splattered her brains
all over the walls.
She was a beautiful girl.
Never knew what hit her.
You heard about that,
that nut who listened to the radio?
You could've been attacked,
raped, God knows what!
I was up all night, Jack!
Sorry.
- A guy wants to check out pornos.
- So send him back.
- What the hell happened?
- I was attacked.
What?
Oh, baby!
Two kids tried to set me on tire.
What did they do to you?
You almost done? Are you looking
for a story, what?
- I've seen most of them.
- "Creamer Versus Creamer." Won an award
Go.
Did you call the police?
Do you want me to call the doctor?
No, I'm fine.
Are you sure?
So where did you sleep last night?
I stayed at a friend's, Anne.
Okay, Jack, I want you
to be up front with me.
It you're seeing somebody else,
just tell me.
You don't have to pour gasoline
on yourself and light a match...
just to break up with me.
Just tell me the truth.
I was not seeing anyone else.
I really was attacked.
- I've got a cut here.
- Okay, I see it now. I'm sorry.
I love you.
What are you gonna do?
You don't have to say it back...
although it wouldn't break your jaw
to try.
- You know what the Holy Grail is?
- Holy Grail?
Yeah, I know that one.
That was like Jesus' juice glass.
Yeah, I used to be such a Catholic.
- You still believe in God?
- You gotta believe in God.
But I don't believe God made men
in His image...
'cause most of the shit that happens
is 'cause of men.
No. I think man was made
in the devil's image...
and women were created out of God...
'cause after all, women can have babies,
which is kind of like creating.
And which also accounts for the tact
that women are attracted to men.
'Cause let's face it, the devil
is a hell of a lot more interesting.
I've slept with some saints in my day,
and I know what I'm talking about.
Boring.
So the whole point of life...
I think,
is for men and women...
to get married so that
God and the devil can get together...
and work it out.
Not that we have to get married
or anything.
God forbid.
You have a little thing right here.
A pimple?
This stuff is supposed to blend with
my skin. Like it really works.
I don't think I'm up for it tonight,
honey.
I just had
a very traumatic experience.
I know.
I'm getting sick.
Careful, careful.
Anne, I spent the night
in a boiler room.
I'm tired. I'm upset.
I'm not in the mood, okay?
Parry?
Parry?
Can I help you?
I was looking for Parry.
He's not here.
The hospital said it would be best
it we kept certain things away from him.
There's his real name.
Henry Sagan.
He was a teacher
at Hunter College.
They kept him in a mental place
over on Staten Island.
He did not speak for a year.
Then all of a sudden he started talking.
Only now he's this Parry guy.
He and his wife
used to live upstairs.
When he got released,
they sent him here.
I felt bad.
He couldn't work.
Nobody wanted him.
So I let him stay in the basement.
He helped out.
I gave him a couple of dollars.
People throw things away,
he gets them.
She was a beautiful girl.
He was crazy about her.
I appreciate the way
you deal with people.
- I really do. I'm a big fan.
- Good. I enjoy appreciation.
I especially appreciated the other day
when you told that homeless schmuck...
who does he think he is
talking about the money that you made.
Who was he to ask Jack Lucas anything?
- Asshole.
- A scumbag like that?
I liked the way you dealt with him.
It was perfect Jack Lucas style.
I listen to you every day,
and I'm telling you...
you are a consistent,
integral man.
What's the matter, baby?
Can't sleep?
Yeah.
I'll tell you something, Anne.
I really feel cursed.
Stop it.
Things will change.
I feel like I'm a magnet,
but I attract shit.
Out of all the people in the city...
why did I meet a man
whose wife I killed?
You didn't kill anybody.
Stop it.
I wish there was some way I could...
just pay the tine and go home.
I know, I know.
Oh, baby.
Have you seen Parry?
Deign, Princess,
to remember thy faithful slave...
who now endures such misery
for love of thee.
- Parry?
- Hi, Jack.
- I thought you could use a couple--
- Come on.
She'll be back.
Isn't she a vision?
Yeah, gorgeous.
I just wanted to--
Wait. Hey, look.
I'm leaving.
I just wanted to give you--
Shit!
Wait.
Now!
No. Come here.
This way.
Down!
She buys a new book every two days.
Hey, sweetheart!
What the hell you doing?
She's into trash,
but what are you going to do?
Come here.
She loves dumplings.
That's her Wednesday ritual.
It's so sweet
how she does that every time.
We're looking through the window!
You got a problem with that, buddy?
I'm looking through the tucking window.
Come on, let's go.
It anybody told me I'd love a girl who
chews jawbreakers, I'd say they're nuts.
Look at that jaw.
There she goes.
You follow her every day?
It's not like that.
I'm deeply smitten.
- What's her name?
- I don't know.
A cooler!
That's beautiful.
It needs a little work.
Here. Come here.
I just would like to help you.
Fifty dollars?
All right, look.
Here's another $20.
Will that do it?
Seventy dollars?
How much is this gonna take?
You're so nice.
That's okay.
You mensch, you.
Can I take you to lunch?
No. I gotta go back to work.
Take care of yourself.
Sell !
Buy!
Fuck 'em all!
What are you doing?
Give that back!
What are you doing?
Let go! Let go!
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Why did you do that?
- I gave that to you !
- What will I do with it?
I gave it to you to help you,
not him.
Do you really want to help me?
Okay, open your eyes.
Pretty impressive, huh?
But don't let it scare you.
As formidable as it seems, everything
has its weakness. There's no moat.
You can't just break into
Langdon Carmichael's house.
- This man's done nothing--
- Hey! I'll deal with this.
Let's go through this one more time.
Listen to me.
Don't start drooling or rolling
your eyes when I tell you this.
You shouldn't be doing this.
There is no Holy Grail.
Oh, Jack! Ye of little faith.
There has to be a grail.
What were the crusades?
The pope's publicity stunt?
You heathen!
There's a grail.
Wait a minute. Look.
You're only partly insane.
People like you can lead
semi-normal lives. You can get a job.
I have a job, Jack.
I have a quest.
I take it back.
You're tucking deranged.
You'll get killed
trying to get in there.
That's so sweet.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to protect me.
You think there's danger.
I think you're a moron,
and I don't want to get in trouble.
You care.
First the money, now this.
That's so sweet!
You fabulous guy!
Don't hug me in public again.
Men with men. Oh, Jack!
I love this guy!
You hear me?
I love this guy!
You hear me, jaded city?
I love Jack! He cares!
In this jaded motherfucking city,
that you--
Will you shut up?
I'm loopy about this guy!
Oh, Jack!
You're a real human being.
You're a friend.
A true friend.
I'm not, believe me.
- I'm scum.
- I'm not gonna listen.
- You're an honest-to-goodness good guy.
- I'm self-centered, I'm weak.
I don't have the willpower
of a fly on shit.
That's why the little people sent you.
They knew that. It's like magic.
I don't believe in little
floating people, okay?
There is no magic.
But you're still gonna help me.
That's what matters.
Parry, or whatever your name is,
you know none of this is true.
The grail, the voices. There's a part
of you that knows it's not true!
- We have to start planning now.
- Listen to me!
Jack, you're acting weird.
- I know who you are.
- Jack, let go of me!
You used to teach at Hunter College.
Parry, you're a teacher.
What are you looking at?
What?
He's afraid of you.
We've got him!
Come on !
Holy shit!
Yes! I got him, Jack!
Yes!
I've got you!
I'm dying.
I can't breathe.
Isn't this a beautiful spot?
Who have we been chasing?
Can I ask this question now?
He's gone now.
We had him on the run, didn't we? If
we'd had horses, we'd have had his ass.
- Who?
- What?
Who have we been chasing?
I thought you saw him.
Saw who?
The Red Knight.
I gave you money.
You want to keep it, tine.
You want to give it away, fine.
I just want You to know
I did give him the money, okay?
Are we clear?
Who are you talking to?
Help me, somebody!
Please!
Heaven be praised for the opportunity
to fulfill the duties of my profession.
These cries proceed from a miserable
male or female in need of my protection.
This is too hard.
Help me!
Will you, lady on the horse,
please trample me?
Over here.
No! Get away from me!
I'm not gonna hurt you.
That's what the other guy said.
Leave me alone! Please!
- I want to help you.
- No. I want to go. Let me go now.
They knocked the stuffing--
Come on. Let me help you up.
No. I want a debutante on a horse
to step on me.
Leave me alone.
Sorry to tell you this, but the days
of the debutantes are over.
Isn't it awful?
Poor little Gloria.
Poor Brenda Frazier.
They ruined them.
They ate them alive.
What about Slim Keith,
that little Guggenheim girl?
Impostors!
Leave me alone.
- Come on, lend a hand.
- He needs to sleep it off.
- Somebody will take care of him.
- Who? Mother Teresa? She's retired.
- It's just us. Let's go.
- Maybe he wants to stay here.
- You want to stay here?
- Sure. I'll love bleeding in horseshit.
How very "Gandhi-esque" of you.
Get out of the way!
Dr. Klein to physiotherapy.
Please! I was born in a place like this.
I don't want to be here.
- Please.
- Come on.
Jack, take care of him.
No, no. I want to go.
Please let me go.
- Where do you want to go?
- To a nice place I know about.
- Maybe we can go there later.
- We can't go there tonight.
- Maybe we can. Where do you want to go?
- We can't.
Come on. Maybe we can.
Where do you want to go?
Venice.
Like Katharine Hepburn
in "Summertime."
Why can't I be Katharine Hepburn?
I want to die!
I just want to die.
That's it.
Okay, ready?
I like New York in June
- I'm in the wrong place.
- Aren't we all?
I like a Gershwin tune
Don't hold back. Okay!
- I like to read good books
- What will I do with the children?
Where am I gonna put them?
Goddamn daughter-in-law!
Comes in the house
looking for dust balls.
Get the fuck out of my dining room,
you asshole!
That's wonderful feeling,
but you're stretching.
Come on, tempo.
Allegro, people, allegro.
When you--
Did you lose your mind all of a sudden,
or was it a slow, gradual process?
Well...
I'm a singer by trade.
Summer stock, nightclub reviews,
that sort of thing.
And God,
I absolutely lived for it.
I can do "Gypsy." Every part.
I can do it backwards.
Then one night, right in the middle
of singing "Funny"...
suddenly it hit me.
What does all this mean?
I mean, that, plus the tact
I'd watched all my friends die.
Sound like a veteran, don't l?
- Fuck off!
- My dad would be so proud of me.
- Pizza!
- It's about time.
Never gonna find her in this crowd.
She's like clockwork. She comes
through here at the same time every day.
She's late.
Thank you.
Parry?
Did you hear Jimmy Nichols
got picked up yesterday?
Oh, yeah?
He got caught
pissing on a bookstore.
Man's a pig.
No excuse for that.
Thank you, babe.
We're headed for social anarchy
when people start pissing on bookstores.
Asshole.
Didn't even look at you.
Well, he's paying
so he don't have to look.
A guy goes to work every day,
Gets his nuts so tight...
he starts questioning
the very fabric of his existence.
Then one day about quittin' time...
the boss calls him into the office
and says...
"Bob, come on in here and kiss my ass
for me, will you?"
He says, "Hell with it.
I don't care what happens.
I just want to see his expression...
as I jam these scissors
into his arm."
Then he thinks of me.
He says, "Wait a minute.
I got both my arms, both my legs.
At least I'm not begging
for a living."
Sure enough, Bob's gonna put
those scissors down and pucker up.
I'm what you call a kind of
moral traffic light.
I'm like saying,
"Red. Go no further."
I do not need this!
I do not need this!
A woman my age?
I'm a person. There's a person here.
This is kid's stuff.
You come, you go.
All I do is cook like a jerk.
You're a waste of good lasagna.
I don't need this.
Find yourself another dope.
He's a son of a bitch.
God, what a beautiful night, Jack.
Don't you think it's time to go?
Running around here during the day
is one thing, but at night...
we could be killed
by a variety of people.
That's stupid, Jack.
This park is mine
as much as it is theirs.
Do you think it's fair they keep us out
because we might get killed?
- Yes, I think it's very fair.
- I don't.
- What are you doing?
- I'm cloud busting.
Have you ever done it?
You lie on your back...
concentrate on the clouds and
break them apart with your mind.
It's wild. But you have to be nude.
You can't diffuse the psychic energy.
This is New York. No one's allowed
to be naked in a field in New York.
It's too midwestern.
It's wild. It's really treeing.
The air on your body, the nipples are
hard, little guy dangling in the wind.
Come on. You're pissing me off.
We're bare-assed naked
in the middle of it.
I'm not doing this. This is nuts.
I'm leaving.
Free yourself. You know why dogs
do this? 'Cause it feels good.
- I'm not doing that.
- Yes!
- I'm leaving.
- Come on, Jack. Get back to your roots.
The man talks to invisible people,
he sees invisible horses.
He's lying naked in the middle
of Central Park.
I'm not surprised. I'm out of
my tucking mind to even be here!
Who are you talking to?
- I'm talking to the little people.
- Are they here?
They're saying, "Jack, go to
the nearest liquor store...
findeth the Jack of Daniels...
that ye may be shit-taced!"
- They said that?
- You are out of your tucking mind!
Bingo!
Come on ! Free up the little guy.
let him flap in the breeze!
Oh, Jack!
Nothing's happening.
Concentrate.
What it some homophobic jogger
kills us...
to get back at his father?
"Jack Lucas found dead
next to a dead naked man.
The two were dead,
his companion was naked."
I hate it when they use the word
"companion." It's so insinuating.
Probably boosts the sales
of my biography.
The public is fascinated with celebrity
murders that involve nakedness.
Bastards.
I may be going out on a limb, but you
don't seem like a happy camper.
Did you ever hear the story
of the Fisher King?
It begins with the king as a boy having
to spend the night alone in a forest...
to prove his courage
so he can become king.
While he's spending the night alone...
he's visited by a sacred vision.
Out of the fire appears
the Holy Grail...
the symbol of God's divine grace.
And a voice said to the boy.
"You shall be keeper of the grail
so that it may heal the hearts of men."
But the boy was blinded
by greater visions of a life...
filled with power
and glory and beauty.
In this state
of radical amazement...
he felt for a brief moment
not like a boy...
but invincible...
like God.
So he reached in the fire
to take the grail...
and the grail vanished...
leaving him with his hand in the tire
to be terribly wounded.
Now, as this boy grew older...
his wound grew deeper...
until one day...
life for him lost its reason.
He had no faith in any man,
not even himself.
He couldn't love or feel loved.
He was sick with experience.
He began to die.
One day, a fool wandered
into the castle...
and found the king alone.
Being a tool, he was simpleminded.
He didn't see a king.
He only saw a man alone
and in pain.
He asked the king,
"What ails you, friend?"
The king replied...
"I'm thirsty. I need some water
to cool my throat."
So the fool took a cup from beside
his bed, tilled it with water...
and handed it to the king.
As the king began to drink...
he realized his wound was healed.
He looked in his hands,
and there was the Holy Grail...
that which he sought
all of his life.
He turned to the tool
and said with amazement...
"How could you find that which
my brightest and bravest could not?"
The tool replied, "I don't know.
I only knew
that you were thirsty."
It's beautiful, isn't it?
I think I heard that
at a lecture once. I don't know.
It was a professor...
at Hunter.
How come you never asked
that girl for a date?
I can't ask her.
I have to earn her.
This is the 20th century.
You don't have to earn a woman.
Maybe after we get the grail.
She could help you get the grail.
Women are great.
They make homes
and they kill the livestock...
so the knights can go out there
and get grails...
and slaughter villages
with a clear head.
Where would King Arthur be
without Guinevere?
Happily married, probably.
Well, that's a bad example,
but trust me on this.
A woman who loves you...
keeps you going,
gives you strength...
makes you feel
like you can do anything.
Is that what your girlfriend
does for you?
Sure. Yeah.
Get out of the fucking way!
Yes. Two Hearts Publishing?
May I speak to Lydia, please?
Lydia?
- Who is Lydia?
- I don't know her last name.
You are calling Lydia
from my apartment?
You must think I am some kind of dope,
you son of a bitch.
You stay out all night long.
I don't get a phone call.
You stroll in here at noon.
You think I need this?
I was not out with a woman last night.
I was with Parry.
- The moron?
- He's not a moron.
Who's Lydia?
Lydia is the girl
that Parry likes.
I thought--
- What did you think?
- You wouldn't understand.
Don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
That pisses me off.
- I'm sorry. I feel indebted to the guy.
- What does that mean?
- There! You see?
- What does it mean?
I thought it I could help him
in some way...
get him this girl that he loves...
that maybe things would change for me.
Forget it.
It's a dumb fucking idea.
You big galoot.
You are such a mess.
Listen.
Stranger things...
have been known...
to happen.
Hello? Hello?
Who is this?
Hello, Lydia.
This is Jack Lucas. I'm calling
from Video Spot Video Rentals.
You are a major credit card holder,
are you not?
Well, I've got some good news for you.
In conjunction with several
credit card companies--
- Which ones? Which ones?
- All of them.
Which means that you have won
a tree membership at our store.
How did this happen?
My name was--
What was-- How--
Is my name on a list?
Did you pick it out of a hat?
A list.
Were there people in the room
or just you?
There were--
- What's the difference?
- I don't--
This phone--
I've never won anything in my life...
and I don't even have a VCR.
You'll get a free VCR with
the membership until you get your own.
Listen. Why don't you
come down to the store...
check it out,
see if you're interested?
Did Phyllis tell you to call me?
Did Phyllis in accounting do that?
No. I told you,
you won a contest.
you have just--
This is going to be rough.
It's going to be rough.
I need to warm up.
I'm Anne Morrow Lindbergh.
I can't find my baby!
I knew I could make you smile.
Come on. Look, one chorus
and then you're out of there.
I'm a man with a mission.
I can't believe I'm on
a first-name basis with these people.
Can I help you?
Is there a mousy woman named Lydia
who works here?
Yes. I'll get her--
- I have to give it to her in person.
- You can't go back there.
Lydia Sinclair?
You must be she.
I had a dream
A dream for guess who, Lydia
It wasn't for her, Lydia
It's only for you, yes, Lydia
Some people can get their kicks
Watching Koppel and late-night flicks
That's okay for some people
Who don't own VCRs
But, Lydia
You've won our grand prize
Just think of it
All the movies you'll watch for free now
Dramas, westerns, comedies, wow
Video Spot has the best selection
If you like porno
We're your connection
And everything's coming up videos
Everything's coming up videos
But this time for free
For you, Lydia
For free
Our card.
It'll be like you work here.
It'll be like you work here.
What am I qualified to do?
Sort.
This will be good.
This will make you smell
like a forest.
Hello. My name is Lydia Sinclair.
Oh, hi !
How you doing?
Congratulations. Jack Lucas.
Nice to finally meet you.
This is Anne Napolitano,
the Video Spot owner.
Hello. Congratulations.
And this is our co-worker--
Parry. Parry--
Parry Parry?
No, just Parry.
Oh. Like Moses.
How do we do this?
First we'll have you sign out
an official membership card.
Sign that if you would.
We'll have that laminated
for you right here.
Parry, would you like to laminate
Miss Sinclair's card?
Yeah!
This will last for a year,
after which...
you have the option to renew
at a membership discount.
Yeah, but not for free, right?
- You get ten videos.
- Free?
- Free.
- Only the first ten.
After that, they're $2.99 a rental.
All right, go on.
Go on.
- Can I help you?
- No. I can look myself.
"Hell Merchants." Good choice.
I don't like horror movies.
How about...
"The Purple Bread"?
It's a Zbieniew Speizak film.
Let's see.
It's set against a sweeping background
of a "polish" bakery.
Polish! That's Polish bakery.
I don't like Polish love stories.
- I like musicals.
- Musicals.
Over here.
Here's our entertainment center.
Here's Fred Astaire.
That's good.
Yeah, Jolson! "Mammy."
- You got any Ethel Merman?
- Ethel Merman. Oh, she's--
- We're all out of Ethel Merman.
- Oh, what a gyp!
That sucks.
I think I actually ordered some
just the other day.
Did or didn't you?
Yeah. They'll be in soon.
I'll come back then.
Miss Sinclair, your card.
Don't forget it.
I like your nails.
Where did you get them done?
Actually, I do them myself.
I used to work in a beauty parlor.
I like the stars.
Anne does other people
as a sideline.
She could do your nails.
- How much?
- You're a member--
Forty dollars.
Forty dollars?
Forty.
When will you do them?
- Next--
- Tonight?
Tonight.
Thank you.
You know, getting your nails done
is one thing.
But going to dinner with strangers,
and that one--
We'll make it casual.
- She didn't even look at him.
- It won't be like a date.
You got any more starchy food?
Oh, clumsy moi.
Thank you!
I've gone out with some bums,
but they were beautiful.
That is the only reason
to go out with a bum.
This food is delicious, Anne. Really.
You're a wonderful cook,
and you have a great set of dishes.
He's trying to start a conversation.
Talk to him.
He's not going to bite you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You know, you are a beautiful woman.
You've got your own business.
I am surprised some guy doesn't
just snatch you up for his own.
Oh, you're surprised?
Guess I just never met the right guy.
What are you gonna do?
You know, I'm shocked.
A childbearing body like yours!
A guy would have to be
out of his mind.
Most guys are.
You, this incredible woman
going to waste before my very eyes?
No! This is outrageous!
- I will not hear this. No!
- Jack, come here.
I am your man, then.
Let's do it right here.
Let's go to that place
of splendor in the grass...
behold my magic wand,
and tree your golden orbs.
You know what I'm saying.
Holding my penis
What a wonderful way
of saying how much you like
- Parry, close your pants.
- Took you long enough.
What are you?
About a 40 in a jacket?
This is gonna work.
You let me know, 'cause you're
too good a woman to go to waste.
Oh, welcome.
Come in.
I've never been in an apartment
above a store before.
You always walk past them
on the streets...
but you never really think
anyone really lives in them.
Can I get you something?
A little coffee? Tea?
A little tequila?
Will it hurt?
That all depends on you.
You sure you don't want a drink?
You just enjoy this.
That a boy.
- This is mud.
- We just washed that oft.
This is going to make you look great.
It's good mud.
Close...
lips.
- Close.
- What are you doing?
There we go.
Now, you just relax.
So, anybody special in your life?
Does it look like
there's anybody special in my life?
You don't have to say it like that.
It's not so crazy an idea.
You're a healthy woman.
You have a steady job.
You're not cross-eyed or anything.
- There is nobody special.
- Okay. Fine.
It's not easy
in this day and age.
What's not easy?
- Meeting people.
- Oh, God, tell me about it!
I've been dating longer
than I've been driving.
I can't believe that.
I have never been through
a dating period.
It's a disgusting process.
You haven't missed a thing.
- Hold still.
- I'm so excited.
Did you feel like this
when you first met Anne?
Because she's a wonderful woman.
She loves you too much, Jack.
But you love her, too, don't you?
You know you do. It's just that you're
a little bit of an asshole sometimes.
Sorry.
Thanks.
My mother calls once a week
like an ongoing nightmare.
"Have you met anyone?"
"No, Mom."
"What's going to happen?"
"I don't know, Mom."
Thank God I moved out of that house.
I cannot believe you lived with her
as long as you did.
It I had to live with my mother,
I would stab myself six times.
I think some people
are meant to be alone.
This is my idea, that I was born a man
in a former life...
and I used women for pleasure...
so now...
I'm paying for it.
I wouldn't mind so much it I could
just remember the pleasure parts.
I think you're getting
a little too complicated.
What, in your opinion,
is the actual problem?
I don't make an impression on people.
At office parties,
I rearrange the hors d'oeuvres...
while people are eating them
so the platters will remain full.
I never start any of the conversations
because I just don't know--
I don't know where
to make it end, to go.
Listen. You've got to be
a little easier on yourself, doll.
A conversation
has a life of its own.
You have to have some faith
in that fact.
I mean, look at us.
We're having...
a very lovely conversation.
I'm paying you.
Will you stop it? I'm not like that!
I don't do people favors.
It I talk to you, it's because
I want to talk to you.
All right, you're not a super model.
We can't all be Jerry Hall.
What a boring world
it we were all Jerry Hall.
You do the best you can
with what you got.
You're not so invisible.
Hey, you want a personality?
Try this on for size.
You can be a real bitch.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'm going to give you my wallet
so you can pay for dinner.
You're a nice man, Jack,
doing all this for me.
- I'm scared.
- No, no, no.
I feel so much for her.
I feel like something
awful's going to happen.
Nothing awful is going to happen.
Anne is going to be there.
I'm gonna be there.
Nothing awful's going to happen. Okay?
- I'm still scared.
- I know. It's going to be fine.
Okay. All right.
You're looking good.
Just remember to breathe.
- Okay, I gotta breathe.
- Big breath.
Oh, please, no, stay.
- Look. It's Lydia Sinclair, our winner.
- I know.
What have you fellas been up to?
We thought we'd get some dinner.
Say, anybody up for Chinese?
Hmm? Have you eaten?
Would you like to join us?
No, thank you.
I'd rather go home.
- Me, too.
- Parry, come on.
- You have to eat.
- I'd like to go now.
Don't blow this.
- I'd rather go home.
- It's only dinner.
Come on.
You're gonna do this.
You'll have something to tell
your mother the next time she calls.
You are coming!
Fine.
What do you do?
I get to read the books sometimes.
But mostly I calculate
production costs...
from--
Calculation costs from...
first-edition hardcover to,
sorry, softcover.
And after softcover, it's basically
somebody else's problem.
That sounds real exciting.
It's not exciting at all.
Why not?
I mean, your calculations determine
whether a book is published or not.
Maybe it's a book that changes the way
people think or act.
But what we publish
is mostly trashy romance novels.
Don't say that.
There's nothing trashy
about romance.
In romance, there's passion...
there's imagination...
there's beauty.
Besides...
you find some wonderful things
in the trash.
Oh, dumplings.
I could eat all of these.
Lydia, would you like a dumpling?
- Some tea?
- Yes, please.
Oh, boy. Sorry.
Sorry.
It's hot.
Help her with that.
What do you think?
I think that they were made
for each other.
It's scary, but true.
I got it. You got it.
There it is. Okay.
Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia
Say, have you met Lydia
Lydia, the tattooed lady
She has eyes that men adore so
And a torso even more so
Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia
Say, have you met Lydia
Lydia, the Queen of Tattoos
On her back
is the Battle of Waterloo
The sight at the wreck
of the "Hesperus" too
And proudly above waves
the red, white and blue
You can learn a lot from Lydia
When her robe is unfurled
she will show you the world
If you step up and tell her where
For a dime, you can see
Kankakee or Paris
Or Washington crossing the Delaware
When her muscles start relaxing
Up the hill comes Michael Jackson
Did you see her with the noodles?
She had a noodle
hanging down her head.
I couldn't believe it.
Come on.
And then they started in
on the dumplings.
They were playing hockey
with the dumpling on the table.
- It was broccoli.
- No, it was a dumpling.
They were batting it around
with a chopstick.
Stop or I'll lose it right here.
- Yo, Lydia!
- Watch out.
Tell me more about yourself.
I'd like to know everything.
- There's nothing more to tell.
- Don't say that.
- No, that's it.
- It's enough for me.
- I really think she went for him.
- I know. I can't believe I did it.
What?
It's Latin.
It means "Love conquers all."
I don't mean us.
I mean everybody else.
- You think it'll work out?
- Who knows?
Two people could be at a party together
and never find each other.
Another two people could be
on opposite sides of the world...
and nothing could keep them apart.
The thing is, if a thing
is meant to happen--
What?
- Nothing. Go on.
- Wait a minute.
You must be very proud
of yourself.
You did a great thing
for somebody tonight.
I was very proud
to be with you tonight.
You were great.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Steamed dumplings!
Mu shu pork!
You don't have to say that.
You don't have to say that.
I never say anything I have to.
I mean, you don't have to say
nice things to me.
It's a little old-fashioned
considering what we're about to do.
- What are we about to do?
- You're walking me home.
- I think you're attracted to me.
- Yeah.
And...
you'll probably want to come upstairs
for some coffee.
I don't drink coffee.
And we'll probably
have a drink and talk...
and get to know each other better,
get comfortable.
Then you'll--
You'll sleep over.
And in the morning,
you'll awake...
and you'll be distant.
And you won't be able
to stay for breakfast.
Maybe just a cup of coffee.
I don't drink coffee.
Then we'll exchange phone numbers...
and you'll leave...
and never call.
I'll go to work and I'll feel
so good for the first hour...
and then, ever so slowly,
I'll turn into a piece of dirt.
I don't know why
I'm putting myself through this.
It was really nice to meet you.
Night.
Excuse me! Wait. Just--
Sorry. Wait one minute.
Excuse me. Please wait.
- Wait.
- I'm not feeling very well.
No wonder. We just met, made love
and broke up in 30 seconds.
And I don't remember the first kiss
which I think is the best part.
It was so special to meet you--
It was for me, too. But I think
it's time you should shut up now.
Shut up, please?
I'm not coming up to your apartment.
That was never my intention.
- Oh, God! You don't want to.
- Oh, no, I want to!
I have a hard-on for you
the size of Florida.
But I don't want just one night.
I have a confession
I have to make to you.
You're married?
You're divorced?
- You have a disease?
- No. Please, stop.
I'm in love with you.
Not just from tonight.
I've known you for a long time.
I know you come from work at noon,
you fight your way out that door...
get pushed back in and three
seconds later, come back out again.
I know it it's a good day if you get
that romance novel at that bookstore.
I know what you order. On Wednesdays
you go to that dim sum parlor.
I know that you get a jawbreaker
before you go back in to work.
And I know you hate your job
and don't have many friends.
I know sometimes you feel
a little uncoordinated.
You don't feel as wonderful
as everybody else...
feeling as alone and separate
as you feel you are.
I love you.
And I think you're the greatest thing
since spice racks.
I'd be knocked out
if I could have that first kiss.
And I won't be distant.
I'll come back in the morning
and I'll call you it you let me.
But I still don't drink coffee.
You're real...
aren't you?
It's the wrong door.
You can call me.
She didn't give me the number.
Please let me have this.
Let me have it!
Where are you?
We're tired of looking at you people!
Thank you.
Yeah, well, I'm feeling good.
I don't know how else to put it.
Yeah, well, I had those personal
problems to work out, and I have.
And now I want to get back to work.
You think that's possible?
Yeah, I understand.
I am. Yeah.
I won't.
I will.
Great. When?
Tuesday is tine.
Tuesday is great, Lou.
All right. I'll see you then.
Thanks a lot.
Okay. Bye.
- Who's Lou?
- Lou is my agent.
- You're kidding.
- I called my agent.
What did he say?
He says if I want to get back to work,
no problem.
That I just come in,
and we talk and that's it.
Baby, that's terrific!
I gotta get these tapes organized.
You seen my jacket?
It's in the bathroom.
I got the coffee here
if you want it.
You made coffee?
You are going back to work,
and you made coffee?
I'm loving this!
You know what would be neat?
Now that there's going to be
another income coming in...
I would love to look
for a bigger place.
I don't want to rush anything,
but I'd like to start looking anyway.
Maybe a two-bedroom?
Or maybe even the top floor
of a house?
Say, in Brooklyn Heights?
What?
You don't want to commute, right?
That's all right.
Come here.
You are an incredible woman.
- I'm an incredible woman?
- Yeah.
- What's this, a death sentence?
- No. I want to talk about this.
So much has happened...
that I think it would be a good thing
for both of us...
it we...
slowed down a little.
Slowed down? Where have I been?
Have we been going fast here?
Anne, this has been a real
difficult time for me this past year.
Yeah?
And I feel like I'm above water
for the first time.
I know a lot more now, and I don't want
to make any more mistakes.
- So?
- I need time to make the right choices.
Wait, wait.
What are you saying?
I think maybe I should be alone
for a while.
Now that I know more, you know,
I feel that...
I should focus on my career
now that everything's taken care of.
Parry's--
Let me just say one thing, okay?
You don't know shit, okay?
Secondly, as far as we go...
what have we been doing here
except time?
Have I ever pressured you?
Once ever?
So what time do you need, baby?
I love you.
You love me.
You want to get your career going?
That's the greatest thing in the world.
I want to be there when it happens.
So what do you need time to figure out?
Let me just ask you one thing.
Do you love me?
I don't know.
You can't even give me that,
can you?
Jesus, Jack!
What were you planning on doing here?
Were you planning on packing up...
and dropping me a note
when you meet somebody new?
I had no idea.
I just said I need time.
Bullshit!
It you're going to hurt me, hurt me now,
not some drawn-out hurt...
that takes months of my life
because you don't have the balls!
Okay, I'll pack my stuff tonight.
What have you been doing here?
Could you just tell me that?
- We both got something.
- What did I get?
What did I get...
I couldn't have gotten from anybody
with no name any night of the week?
Do you think your company
is such a treat?
Your moods, your pain, your problems.
You think this has been entertaining?
What do you want to stay with me for?
Because I love you.
You stupid tucking--
No, stop it. Stop, stop.
Don't. No.
You don't get to be nice!
I'm not going to play some stupid game
where we act like friends...
so you get to walk out
feeling good about yourself.
I'm not a modern woman.
If this is over,
let's just call it over.
Yeah?
My wallet?
What do you mean?
Parry.
He can't hear you.
I'm Dr. Mandeville.
I was on duty when they brought him in.
I've been going over his record.
He was in once before.
Catatonic stupor.
Condition rendered him non-verbal.
Yeah? So the guy, he's been beat up.
He's got a concussion, right?
Right?
He's gonna snap out of it.
I'm afraid not.
See, the beating's bad,
but it's not the problem.
He seems to be reexperiencing
the catatonia.
Like before, he could
snap out of it in an hour...
or 13 months, 13 years.
There's no way to be sure.
A person could actually reexperience
the full effect of a tragedy...
long after the event took place.
I was reading how he lost his wife.
Are you relatives?
Well, it doesn't matter.
We'll take care of him.
He'll have to be sent back
to the same institution.
What if I was a relative?
You'd have the option
to care for him at home...
but I wouldn't recommend it.
It wouldn't be good for him.
He needs hospital care.
I just thought you could sign the
release forms, but the city can do that.
I'm sorry.
Poor Lydia.
She finally finds her prince,
and he falls into a coma.
Some women have no luck.
I'll call you, okay?
The answer: two dwarves and a melon.
Well, I'm out of here.
Have a perfect weekend.
And remember, on Monday we have as
our special studio guest, Ben Starr...
star of the recently defunct
hit TV show "On the Radio."
So, from one of the botched
to you bungled cats out there...
I love you,
and right back at you.
Yeah.
Lou, look, I said I want an otter
or they can forget it.
You tell them I'm talking
to the cable people about a talk show.
What?
Beth's father set it up.
No, he owns it.
- You gotta get outta here.
- I'm not bothering anybody.
You gotta move it.
Come on, let's go.
Jack, it's me!
Stop it.
I know that guy.
Remember me? Venice!
You know me.
Please, can I talk to you?
I need to talk.
We spent time together. Please!
You know this guy?
Why won't you talk to me?
Leave me alone!
Why?
It's a weekly comedy about the homeless,
but it's not depressing in any way.
We want to find a funny, upbeat way...
of bringing the issue
of homelessness to television.
So, we've got three wacky
homeless characters.
But they're wise.
They're wacky and wise.
And the hook is they love
being homeless.
They love the freedom,
the adventure.
It's all about the joy of living,
not the bullshit we deal with...
the money, the politics.
And the best part is,
it's called "Home Free."
I'm getting a rush.
What is this,
another disappearing act?
It's not a problem.
It's a bathroom break.
I'll check.
Shit!
- Parry.
- Damn.
What?
It's a grail!
The Holy Grail.
The Holy--
Some billionaire has got the Holy Grail
in his library on Fifth Avenue?
Exactly. Who'd think you'd find
anything divine on the upper East Side?
They said you're the one.
Henry Sagan?
Pardon me.
Not long ago,
I left some new sheets for Parry.
They were lime-colored,
like this color, with watermelons.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry, they're being cleaned.
The doctor had an accident
with the hypo.
That's all right. Just make sure
he does get them when they are cleaned.
Hi. It's Jack.
How are you doing?
You're looking good.
Yes, you do.
You going to wake up for me?
This isn't over, is it?
You think you're going
to make me do this, don't you?
Forget it.
No tucking way.
I don't feel responsible
for you or anybody.
Everybody's got bad things
that happen to them. I'm not God!
I don't decide--
People survive.
Say something!
Everything's been going great.
Great.
I'm going to have
my own cable talk show...
with an incredible equity,
I might add.
I've got an incredible incredibly
fucking gorgeous girlfriend.
I'm living an incredible
tucking life.
So don't lay there
in your comfortable coma...
and think I'm going to risk all that
because I feel responsible for you.
I'm not responsible!
I don't feel guilty.
You've got it easy.
I'm out there every day,
every tucking day...
trying to figure out
what the hell I'm doing.
Why no matter what I have,
it feels like I have nothing.
So I don't feel sorry for you.
It's easy being nuts.
Try being me!
So I won't do it.
I don't believe in this shit.
Don't give me that stuff
about me being the one.
There's nothing...
nothing special about me.
I control my own destiny,
not some...
floating overweight fairies.
I decide what I'm going to do,
and I'm not going to risk my life...
to get some fucking cup
for some tucking vegetable!
You motherfucker!
What am I supposed to do?
Cup.
All right. For the sake of argument,
let's say I do do this.
It I do this...
I want you to know it wouldn't be
because I felt I had to...
or because I felt cursed
or guilty or responsible.
It I do this--
It I do this...
and I mean if...
it's because
I want to do this for you.
That's all.
For you.
Don't go anywhere.
Shit!
Great.
I'm hearing horses now.
Parry will be so pleased.
Radio personality turns screwball
on mission from God.
I just hope when they put me away,
they find me a place right next to his.
Fuck!
Thank God nobody looks up
in this town.
Shit.
Shit!
"To Lannie Carmichael.
Christmas, 1932."
Shit.
Hey, come on. Wake up.
Christ!
All right, I did my side
of the bargain.
Here's your cup.
You gonna wake up now?
You want to think about it
a little more.
Take your time.
I had this dream, Jack.
I was married.
I was married to this beautiful woman.
And you were there, too.
I really miss her, Jack.
Is that okay?
Can I miss her now?
Thank you.
Tempo, okay? Allegro.
Here we go.
I like New York in June
How about you
I like a Gershwin tune
How about you
I like a fireside
When a storm is due
I like potato chips
and moonlight and motor trips
How about you
I'm mad about good books
Hi, sweetheart!
Where you been?
What's this face all about?
Why are you crying?
Are you my girl?
Are you my girl?
Yes.
Baby.
Tempo.
Holding hands in the movie show
when all the lights are low
May not be new
But I like it
How about you
Well?
What do you expect me to do?
Applaud?
What? What?
What'd you come here for?
Did you come to get the rest of
your stuff? There's no more stuff.
It all got burned, accidentally.
Whatever the hell it is you're doing,
don't do it.
You don't show up out of nowhere,
stand there like a statue...
and make me do all the work.
What did you come here for?
I...
love you.
What?
I didn't get that.
Run it by me again.
I think--
I realize...
I love you.
You love me, huh?
You son of a bitch!
God, what a beautiful night, huh?
- Hey, look.
- What?
They're moving.
Am I doing that?
You crazy? It's the wind.
I like New York in June
How about you
I like a Gershwin tune
How about you
Good night.
Good night, Manhattan!
- Say "Good night," Jack.
- Good night, Jack.