(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)
(TRAM BELLS DINGING)
(INDISTINCT)
(MUSIC CONTINUES
ON CAR STEREO)
(SIGHS) Man.
I'm excited
about this party.
Oh!
I saw a special
on Animal Planet today.
Yeah?
About how frogs can
spontaneously switch sexes.
Are you okay, babe?
Yeah, I just thought you
would find that interesting.
Oh!
What?
Shoot!
What happened?
I forgot that I have
an errand to run.
I have to swing
by the restaurant
and get the receipts,
I forgot.
Oh, you can do that tomorrow. You
don't have to do it tonight.
No, I promised Alex
that I would do it tonight.
Oh, Alex won't mind.
Yeah.
Let's just go to
my sister's party.
Let's get you a drink. I
think you probably need one.
We'll have a bit of a dance. I want
to get weird with you tonight.
No, I have to
swing by the receipts.
It's the end of the year and
the taxman waits for no one.
What is going on with you?
ls everything all right?
What is happening?
Nothing is happening.
Tell me what's going on.
Nothing.
Tell me what's happening.
Nothing's happening.
You look very
tense and sweaty.
Just tell me what's happening, Tom.
(SIGHING)
I was gonna ask you
to marry me tonight.
Oh, my God!
(GASPING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, I love you.
I love you.
Oh, I love you.
I love you.
Oh, no. Did you
have something planned?
And I questioned you
too much, didn't I?
We had a plan. It was sort of
like a skit about the receipts.
With the receipts. Oh, just do
the thing, I want the thing.
Please do the thing
with the receipts.
I've been dreaming about those
receipts since I was a little girl.
Please.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Violet! Tom!
What a surprise.
Are you here
for the receipts?
The taxman
waits for no one.
She knows.
VIOLET: Yeah.
She knows what?
Alex, it's fine.
She knows already.
Dude, shut the fuck up!
Congratulations.
No,no,no! Just pretend
like I don't know.
Do the thing
that we planned.
Do the thing.
Really?
VIOLET: Yep.
This is stupid.
L... (CLEARING THROAT)
Darn it, I can't
find the receipts.
Where are they?
I may have left them
on the beautiful roof deck.
Why don't you wait there while I
search for the receipts in the back?
Right this way.
Oh, my God! Babe!
Oh! Look.
Oh, Tom. Okay.
I will go ahead and look
for those receipts now.
What the...
Look at the bridge.
San Francisco
is for lovers.
Got it.
Violet,
it was one year ago tonight, on New
Year's Eve, when I first saw you.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
We were at a Make-Up-
Your-Own-Superhero party.
I was dressed
as Super Bunny.
VIOLET: And I was
Princess Diana.
I turned to my sister
and I said, "Who is that
cute bunny?" And she said,
"He looks like
a murderer."
(CHUCKLING)
Which was harsh.
Well, then
this song came on.
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
TOM: And I walked up
to you and I said...
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but what
exactly is your superpower?
VIOLET: And I said, "Princess Diana
doesn't require a superpower.
Okay, listen, I'm not sure
exactly what you wanted,
but then it occurred to me
that I'm supposed to be
the one who knows you better
than anyone in this world.
And I remember that you saw Blood
Diamond and it really upset you,
so instead
I got you a ruby.
There are still
diamonds all around it,
tiny ones,
but this is vintage,
and I think
a hundred years ago,
diamond mining
wasn't as brutal.
I know that
doesn't make sense.
If you do not like this,
we can return it
and go to Tiffany's
and get a new one.
I actually have
an appointment there
with someone
tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.
No, no, no.
It is perfect.
You know me so well.
Violet.
Yes?
Will you marry me?
ALEX: Dude, dude, dude.
Chef Sally just showed up.
Right now. What?
You guys got to go. TOM:
What are you talking about?
I thought you said
you were sick.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Chef, can you not
do this right now?
SALLY: Of all the people who have
stabbed me in the back, you?
You know what I should do?
Put you on the brunch shift.
Unless you're feeling too colicky
for that, you fucking baby.
Chef, I'm trying to propose to
my future wife, just right now.
Literally, right now.
Oh! Wow.
Okay, wow.
Okay, congratulations,
both you guys.
Live long and prosper.
No, that's weird.
That's Star Trek.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Anyway-
(MOUTHING)
Violet, I love you.
I love you.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
I love you.
(INAUDIBLE)
(CHUCKLING) on, no!
When Tom first told us
about Violet and he...
PETE: We thought that
he was lying to me.
For how could a woman
so pretty and intelligent...
Go for a guy so goofy
and without a cent?
CAROL: And to be getting married
after only just one year...
Seems pretty short, don't
you think so, my dear?
Now, it's too bad Tom's last grandpa
just suffered a fatal stroke.
Because he would
have loved to be here.
And that's no joke.
And that's no joke.
CAROL: To Tom and Violet.
PETE: To Tom and Violet.
My daughter, Violet,
the first important thing
to remember about marriage
is that it
requires commitment.
The second important thing
to remember about marriage
is that so does insanity.
(WEEPING) Vi, you know I don't believe in
marriage, or kids or anything like that,
but when I see
you two together,
I get what the whole institution
is about, you know...
Sorry, I promised myself I
wouldn't cry and I just...
Fuck!
Come on, Suzie.
Come on, Suzie!
All right, I got it.
I didn't think...
(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)
(SUZIE SOBBING)
Take a breath, love.
All right.
Violet and Tom...
GEORGE: Breathe, breathe.
(CHUCKLING) It's okay.
(IN SOMBER TONE) ...are perfect
for each other in every way.
And I feel
great about it.
And I love you.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
I love you so much.
I love you.
SUZIE: And, Tom, (IN HOARSE
VOICE) I love you, too.
Oh!
(SOBBING) I'm sorry.
TOM: That's enough. That was enough.
GEORGE: It's all right, love.
VIOLET: It's all right.
Amazing!
Are you ready for this?
Have you considered
your finances?
Do you know how many
children you want to have?
Indeed, do you want
to have children?
Where are you going to live? Do
you know each other well enough?
No, you see, the tendency when one
is young is to be rather naive.
One assumes that everything
is going to turn out
like some wonderful romantic
comedy starring Tom Hanks.
But, in reality, the sad fact
is that most relationships
end up like Saving Private
Ryan, or Philadelphia.
Doing a bit of a multimedia
presentation here, so just one second.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
ON MIC: Here we go.
Oh, Tommy boy, I've known
you for a long time.
TOM: Yeah.
Violet, you are certainly the
love of his life. Mmm-hmm.
And we use this
moment to celebrate
a new future of
commitment and love.
But not without
first exploring a past.
Here we go.
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Jenni Newman, Greta
Kay, Anne Pefia, Lizzie Gray
Kelly Wozack, Dana Gilpin
and Lizzie Gray again
Jill McCarthy, Teresa Nassbaum,
Sally Baker, Big Alice
This Korean, that Korean,
and Lizzie Gray again
Ingrid Pell and my ex Even
though they claimed no sex
Rock and roll and cola wars
I can't take it anymore
Violet didn't start
Tom's fire
It was always burning
and she got the ring on
She wasn't
his first lover
As it turns out
He fucked some others
Doris Williams...
Okay, that's enough. I think
that's enough, right?
Really?
Yeah, that's plenty.
(DIXIELAND MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh!
Whoa!
Boo! Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!
(CHUCKLING)
Nope. Alex.
You're right, yep. Yes,
I know who you are.
You've got quite
a reputation.
Nice.
(SIGHING) Yeah.
Is that good
or is it bad?
It's mostly gross.
Yeah, just gross stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(SNIFFS)
Are you wearing Chanel No.
I'm not wearing
anything.
No way.
No.
That's just
your smell, huh?
Yeah.
Crazy.
Yep.
It's pretty weird.
Yeah.
All right, you know, this
is not gonna happen.
Sorry.
You seem very nice.
No, I was...
It's just not gonna happen. Yep.
I know it.
I agree.
All right, good.
What?
Oh, I'm gonna...
(VIOLET GIGGLES)
Hello.
VIOLET: Gideon.
TOM: Oh, hi.
I just wanted to say
congratulations to both of you.
I really couldn't have picked a better
choice for my favorite ex-girlfriend.
Aw! Thank you
very much.
I didn't know that you
were going to be here.
Uh... Yeah. Your mom said I could
come, so I just popped over.
From London,
through Atlanta.
And Houston.
Right. I am going
to go to the loo and...
I think you literally just
went to the bathroom.
Mmm... Didn't. No.
How was Afghanistan?
It was harrowing.
I was there
for the capture of
Mullah Abdul Akhtud El Sayed
Ahmed Shafeer Salaheen.
Amazing.
Um... Violet is
a fantastic woman.
She is.
How long have you guys
been together?
Just...
Just over a year.
We were together for
four and a half years.
You think after four years you're gonna be
spending the rest of your life together.
Now you get her, even though you're
still just in the first quarter.
Do you want me to get you a
glass of wine or something?
No.
Oh! Good timing.
Gideon, stop crying.
This is an emotional
moment for me.
No, this is an emotional
moment for Tom and I.
You are a guest at
our emotional moment.
Congratulations.
Okay. All right.
(INHALING DEEPLY)
Do not smell me, Gideon.
(LAUGHING) That is awful!
You like that one?
I hate all of them.
Om
(LAUGHING)
VIOLET: I want to get that job
offer in the mail from Berkeley
and become
a psychology professor.
Work with brilliant people and
just dig in for the next 40 years.
And I want to open
my own restaurant
with a private room in the
back just for you and me.
And our 20 kids.
And all of our little pigs. Hmm.
Don't worry, we'll get some breakfast in a bit.
You'll feel better.
Not eggs.
Oh! Alex!
VIOLET: Hey.
TOM: Hey.
Hey
Yo!
I didn't think you were
going to stay the night.
Yeah, I didn't want to drive
home last night in my condition.
So, I just
got myself a room.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Whoa, Suz!
VIOLET: Suzie.
Hey, Suz.
Oh. Hi.
TOM: Come join the fun.
Oh. Hey.
Hey. Yeah.
Hello.
You know Suzie.
Your sister.
(GASPING)
(WHISPERING)
Shut the fuck up.
Guess what I really
did last night?
I'll give you
Oh, my God!
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Audrey.
I'm the new hostess.
Audrey? Oh, cool, I'm Tom.
Nice to meet you, Tom.
Nice to meet you.
I'm the sous-chef here.
How is it going today?
Good. How are you?
Okay, I'm great. Yeah, it's
nice to have you aboard.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You'll make a great
part of the team.
He's engaged.
How's your fiance doing?
I-m
Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, also.
What the fuck was that?
What are you doing? You're
flirting with the help.
I was not flirting, okay?
ALEX: Oh, really?
I was being friendly.
ALEX: Yeah, right.
You were sending telepathic wiener
missiles at her face, and you know it.
SALLY: What are
all these tickets?
You guys getting ready
to go to a Broadway show?
I need three lamb and potatoes
and I actually need them now.
Yes, Chef!
SALLY: I'm done with you.
Give me that,
I'll do it myself.
Thank you. Thank you. Alex,
how long on my steaks?
Two minutes!
Come on, come on, move,
you guys, like there's...
(SCREAMS) Mother...
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
Cuntballs. Now it's starting to hurt.
Oh, my God!
TOM: Chef, you have
to go to the hospital.
Tom, you're in charge.
TOM: You got it, Chef.
SALLY: I need a doggy
bag for my finger.
TOM: All right, let's move.
We got a shitload
of foie gras.
I need you to push
the foie gras gelato.
How long on the gelato, Alex?
I need it yesterday.
ALEX: Four minutes.
Hey, I need hands on all
those dishes in the window.
Please, guys.
Yeah, guys, I need hands
on my carrot wiener.
Alex, put the
carrot wiener away.
The face is the worst part of it all.
Get back to the foie gras.
Hi, Granny Leonora.
Hi, Grampy.
Hello. How are you, darling?
VIOLET: Hi, Nana. Hi, Baba.
GRANDMA KATHERINE:
Oh, hello, sweetheart!
This is fun.
Violet, love, will you be getting
married in London or down in Sussex?
Actually, Baba, we will
be doing the wedding
in the Bay Area
in San Francisco.
You could get married here,
in the village church.
Get married in England, where you're from.
In London, come on.
Not 5,000 bloody mi/es...
Violet, America is
such a long way away.
And grandparents do
have a tendency to die.
VIOLET: Mum, Stop it.
They're all right there.
What are you doing?
Well, for now.
VIOLET: Mum, stop!
Come on, Berkeley.
Come on, Berkeley.
(SIGHS)
So, the barn holds,
like, 350 people.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
I really love it.
It's really beautiful.
So, is it your wedding?
Yes, yeah, it is.
That's too bad.
You're so beautiful.
Okay.
(SIGHING)
It's wonderful,
isn't it?
It is so great.
It's beautiful. When's the
next available weekend?
In three years.
Unless you want to get
married on September 11th.
I don't.
Don't let the
terrorists win.
Yes!
Great!
Okay, good, so this
is gonna be fun.
Of course, the men
will wear yarmulkes.
And, in that case, all eligible
Christians will be served communion.
Communion? What, we're gonna have
communion at my son's wedding?
Um... It is our
wedding, Pete.
And, I mean, seeing as everyone
is gonna be wearing yarmulkes.
Well, actually, only the men
will be wearing yarmulkes, so.
Well, I've never heard you say
the word "yarmulke" until today.
TOM: Excuse me, I say "yarmulke" all the time.
VIOLET: You don't.
Like, "Hey,
where's my yarmulke?
"Babe, have you
seen my yarmulke?"
Babe, you don't
have a yarmulke.
I have a whole... It's in
my Jewish drawer. You...
I mean, how are you supposed to
even pick a dress from a magazine?
Look at all of them, they're all
just white and puffy and stupid.
Vi, come on. Hey!
(SIGHING) What?
It's supposed
to be exciting.
This is your wedding.
You only get a few of these.
I didn't
get into Berkeley.
It was the perfect teaching job.
It was local.
Oh, God.
Eight years of studying, just
(SPLUTTERS) down the tube.
I'm so sorry, babe.
I'm going to be married
within the year.
I'm gonna be pregnant
within two years
and no career, I'll just
be changing nappies
and washing dishes
and making apple pie.
And I want that,
I want it all,
but I want to have
the career as well.
It's not enough for me.
I mean, it's fine.
I can reapply next year.
You don't have
to get upset.
It's fine. Why do you always
turn things into your thing?
(TEARFULLY) No.
Come on!
I'm sorry.
What?
I can't help it.
It must be the hormones.
What, you're at that time of the month again?
You're always on your period.
No.
What is it, then?
Are you pregnant?
Just a little.
Just a little?
(WHIMPERS)
Suzie!
God, I feel so guilty.
Crikey!
I know this is your time,
and I just... I don't want to
take the attention away from you.
I'm sorry.
Who's the guy?
I don't want
to tell you.
Let me take
some guesses, okay?
Just don't even
think about it.
One, two, three.
Alex.
Fucking hell!
You didn't say it,
only I said it!
Is it Alex?
It is Alex.
Oh, gross!
Of course it is. Jesus!
No! He is a moron.
Yeah.
You may kiss the bride.
(TRIO PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)
We're fucking married!
(CHUCKLING)
Chest bump.
Oh! Ah!
SUZIEI We did it.
(SINGING ROMANTIC
SPANISH SONG)
(SIGHING)
Not to be competitive, but our
wedding is going to be way better.
Absolutely. Theirs was
pretty, but I was very cold.
Okay, right?
Yeah.
I was chilly
the whole time.
It was very chilly.
It was beautiful, wasn't it?
Fuck those guys.
Fuck.
VIOLET: Hey.
Hey.
Whoa. What's going on?
I'm good.
No, I know you, you're not good.
What is going on?
Okay.
Sit down and talk to me.
I got a letter from
the University of Michigan.
Okay.
I got in.
Oh, my God! Congratulations,
that's great!
No, no, no, it's not.
It's actually terrible.
You know, I've been
sitting here panicking
because my mum quit
her job for my dad
and she never
forgave him, ever.
She became a real martyr
and she's not a happy person,
and I just don't want you
becoming my mother.
I really don't want you
becoming like her. Babe.
Calm down.
Okay.
Okay, it's you and me.
Yeah.
We can handle anything.
I'm not scared of this.
I know, I think
I'm just scared
that you will
end up resenting me.
This is a huge
opportunity for you.
If you don't do this, you're
gonna end up resenting me,
and, frankly, I would much rather
be the resentor than resented.
Look, let's talk logistics.
How long is the thing?
Two years.
Two years?
Yeah. It's long.
No, it's not.
Really?
In the scheme of us spending
our whole lives together,
two years, that's...
And then we can
come back here, right?
Yeah, of course. It's just two years.
Yeah, that's...
And, look, I can cook anywhere.
Right.
I've cooked in New York,
I've cooked in L.A.
I'm pretty sure
I can handle Michigan.
Um...
All right. Listen,
here's what I propose.
Let's just put off the wedding.
We're not in any rush.
Really?
Yeah.
We'll get to Michigan,
we'll get settled in,
and then we'll start planning
the wedding again from there
once we have
our bearings.
Tom.
Oh!
Can I just say something?
Yeah.
I think we both know that I deserve
to get super laid for this.
Do you want me to wear
a cape or something?
I mean, theoretically,
whatever you want.
I'm just saying I don't
want weekday sex.
You're guilt-sexing me! I want a show.
I want the show.
You're gonna get the show.
Good, I better.
You're gonna get the
Cirque du Soleil of shows.
Lots of this.
And this stuff.
Not a mime.
Yeah.
This stuff.
Babe!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
You really don't
think our family
is going to be disappointed
that we're delaying?
You know what?
They'll live.
PRIEST: And now, a moment
of silence for Leonora.
SALLY: Boy, we were
packed last night.
I got reservations
coming in like crazy.
What's going on?
I'm actually here to give
you my two weeks' notice.
I can't thank you enough
for all I've learned
from you for the past
couple of years.
It's been amazing,
and so...
No.
I was going to name you head
chef at my new restaurant.
Clam Bar.
What's going on?
Wow, okay.
I really wish that you would
have told me that earlier.
Shit.
Okay, so my fiance,
Violet, who you've met,
got a job in Michigan...
This is why marriage
is dumb, okay? It's dumb.
You have a job here,
and she's got a job there.
You guys can't do anything
because you're so connected,
so then one of you
has to get the shaft.
This is why I voted
against gay marriage.
Please don't tell people.
Well, you know, just saying,
what are you supposed to do?
It's like your fiance
gets offered her dream job,
what are you
going to do, say no?
Yes.
I have to go.
Yeah.
People make bad decisions.
This is a fact.
They make them knowingly and
they make them consistently,
and the question we ask
on this course is, "Why?"
"I'm going
on a diet tomorrow,
"so I'll eat as much chocolate as
I like tonight." (ALARM BEEPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
"Unprotected sex feels good,
"so I'm going to have it despite the
fact I might go mad with syphilis."
Please remain seated. It's
probably just a false alarm.
Is behavior the person, the environment,
or a combination of the two?
What do obesity,
lying, drunk driving
and rooting for
Ohio State have in common?
(ALL CHUCKLE)
I'll tell you.
Bad decisions.
In fact, you're all currently
making a bad decision.
Why would you sit
through a fire alarm?
Just because I, a man you've only just
met, tells you it's a false alarm
doesn't mean
that in seconds' time
we could all be
engulfed in flames,
begging and crying
for a quick death.
But it is a false alarm.
(ALARM STOPS)
And those firemen,
they're actors.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Want to see
some real fire?
(ALL GASPING)
Welcome to Social Psychology.
Thank you.
(GROANS)
So, you quit your chef job in San
Francisco to move to Michigan?
Believe it or not,
I did, yeah.
(LAUGHING)
Who does that?
So, what were they paying
you in San Francisco?
$18.50 an hour.
Oh, shit!
Yeah.
That's pretty good.
I was lucky.
I probably couldn't do
that, I could do $11.
You know what, it's a different market.
I totally understand.
You got to
start somewhere.
Nine, then?
Well, I thought
you just said 11.
Well, six?
I got it.
You're fucking with me.
We don't really have
any openings. Sorry.
(LAUGHING)
Ooh! Impressive
knife skills.
Thank you.
I've heard that before.
So, yeah.
Do I have the job?
No, I'm sorry. I just needed
those onions chopped.
You're joking, right?
No. Good luck, though.
You left San Francisco to come to Michigan?
Are you fucking brain-dead?
(ALL LAUGHING)
And voile)!
Figured that out quick.
Oh, thanks. I studied at the Culinary
Institute for a couple years.
Could I get
a dill with that?
Well, you're welcome
to go with a dill
if you want to make the
biggest mistake of your life.
Personally, I think the kosher dill
is way too briny for a Reuben.
You're going to want something nice
and cumin-y with a fresh kick.
I'd go with
a habanero Sriracha.
The cucumber's
naughty cousin.
Thanks, man.
I'm sort of a pickle
nerd around here.
So, really, all I'm
gonna be doing here
is just making
sandwiches, huh?
Yeah, but you're making the
most exquisite sandwiches
in town,
maybe the world.
Right.
Why don't you just fucking
let her have the dill, man?
Why don't you just fucking do something?
Fuck off.
Hey.
I'm Tom.
I'm Margaret.
You're the new guy, right?
I am, yeah. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Welcome to the team, dude.
TARQUIN: I've pickled
everything, really.
I've pickled beets,
pickled peanut butter.
I pickled a sandwich.
I pickled batteries.
I pickled weed.
Which actually turned out
to be a huge waste of weed.
(CHUCKLING)
Next.
WINTON: Hello, Katherine.
This is for you.
Now, you can eat
that marshmallow now,
or if you wait 20 minutes, I'm
gonna give you two marshmallows.
Okay? I'll see you later.
This is an experiment I did
a couple of years ago,
which shows that children can have
trouble with self-regulation.
As you know, if we don't get research
grants, we have no money to pay you.
And, as of now,
we don't have one.
So, we need ideas for some
studies that we can run,
and this is my main
area of interest, here.
Good. So I want to do the
marshmallow experiment with adults.
Well, adults will just wait
for the second marshmallow.
I actually don't even think
adults really like marshmallows.
Yeah, well, I'm not referring
specifically to the marshmallow.
What about this?
What if we were to
take our subjects, right,
and have them play
a driving video game?
Have half of the subjects
drive the car normally.
Have the other half
drive while masturbating.
Why do all of your experiments
have to involve masturbation?
Why do none of your experiments
involve masturbation?
Um... What if we,
um, casually left a box of stale
donuts in the testing room?
And you inform the subjects
that these stale donuts
will be replaced
with new donuts
But then we watch and we see who
still goes for an old donut.
What would be interesting
is if we had a manipulation.
So, one group,
we could make them
feel temporarily
depressed or...
VANEETHA: You know
what we should do?
We should do a screening
of The Notebook.
Yes.
I know it's stupid,
but that shit
makes me cry.
Yeah.
I would eat 10 million donuts
after watching The Notebook.
Okay, I got a good one.
How about we get a subject and
then put the subject to sleep,
and then cover him with
blood and chicken feathers
and then put a gun in his hand and
then scream inside of his ear.
(STUTTERING)
For what purpose?
I just want to
see what would happen.
VANEETHA: Okay,
I have an experiment.
I think we get three psych
grad students together,
and we have them come up with the
craziest, most insane experiment ideas
and then we just wait
and see how long it takes
for the new girl to realize that
they're totally screwing with her.
(WINTON CHUCKLING)
(LAUGHS)
You're so busted.
(LAUGHING) No!
(ALL LAUGHING)
VIOLET: Oh, my God!
I felt like I was listening
to all of you...
Because that masturbation
thing was, like...
That's not a joke,
that's real.
My masturbation
theories are real.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
VANEETHA: No, he's obsessed with them.
It's kind of a drag.
Okay, listen, I like
Violet's donut experiment.
I think it's elegant, it's simple,
and we all get to eat donuts.
VIOLET: Great.
WINTON: Well done, Violet.
Thank you.
WINTON: Welcome aboard.
Thanks.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay, listen.
That's enough shoptalk.
I love a love story.
How did you guys meet?
I'll take this one, if
that's all right. Okay.
Yeah.
It was two
New Year's Eves ago.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
TOM: Violet was dressed
as Princess Diana.
VIOLET: Yep, Tom was
dressed as Super Bunny.
TOM: Guilty as charged.
But, then...
WINTON: Gwyrth!
Gwyrth! Down, Gwyrth!
Gwyrth! Gwyrth!
Down, boy, down. Gwyrth.
Come on, there we are.
Come on.
Good boy, good boy.
(WHIMPERING)
Gwyrth?
What a fascinating name.
It's actually pronounced
"Gwyrth." It's Welsh.
Gwyrf.
Gwyth.
With an "F"?
Gwyrth.
Gwyrth.
Ah! Like Gwyrth Paltrow.
No, no, "Gwyrth."
Gwyth.
WINTON: No, it's "Gwyrth."
Gwyr-yth.
NO. G-W-Y-R-T-H. "Gwyrth."
It means "miracle" in Welsh.
He was a rescue dog.
VIOLET: Nice.
Well, enough about the dog.
To marriage!
To marriage.
Cheers, everyone.
Congratulations, both of you.
VIOLET: Thank you, Winton.
TOM: And to Gwyneth.
(CHUCKLING)
(FEIGNING LAUGHTER)
Okay, I got it.
I got it.
Gwi-an.
Ming, please.
Hey.
How you doing?
You okay? Great, awesome. Yeah, yeah.
This is cool.
Okay, cool. Five more minutes.
This is cool.
Okay.
Thank God for another
male faculty-spouse.
How could you tell?
I can smell it on you.
Hi, I'm Bill.
Hi, Tom.
It's a pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
What do you do, Tom?
I'm a chef, actually. But right
now, I work at Zingerman's.
Holy shit! I love that place.
Hmm.
Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah, it's fun.
So, what do you do
for a living?
I am a chef.
Have you seen
Ratatouille?
Uh, yeah.
Based on my life.
(CHUCKLING) It must
resonate with you, right?
Yeah, I mean, sure.
Absolutely.
You work at Zingerman?
TOM: Yeah.
Oh, I love that place.
Thanks.
Yeah, yeah, it's fun.
Can you give me
a free sandwich?
Sometime?
Have you seen that
movie Ratatouille?
You know, it's so funny.
Everyone keeps asking me that.
Yeah. It's a fantastic movie.
Yeah. Yeah.
How about you?
What do you do?
I take care of the kids,
run carpool, pack lunches.
It's fantastic, watching
the little ones grow up.
Sometimes I wonder where my penis went.
(CHUCKLES)
It's just a joke
I like to say.
(ALL CHEERING)
I got a lot of quality
time with your friends.
They really like
Ratatouille.
VIOLET: Oh, did I ignore
you at the party?
Come here. I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm sorry.
How are you?
Are you all right?
I know it's a lot.
It's an adjustment.
No, I'm fine.
I really am.
You know what? I had a
really good time tonight.
It was a fun party.
And I like all your friends.
Did you meet Bill?
Yeah.
Well, Bill is going
to take me hunting.
Oh, yeah?
Which I feel like is
something I'm made to do.
(LAUGHING)
So, yeah. Yeah.
That's good.
You promise me you'd tell me if you
weren't feeling all right, and...
Babe, you gotta stop asking me.
I really am fine.
Okay.
I am.
That snow looks nice.
It's fine.
Yeah, looks fine.
Do you want to roll around
with me in it and get weird?
You mean, like...
Yeah! No one's around.
Let's get into Michigan life.
Okay, it sounds great, it does.
There is one issue.
What?
It's very cold out.
So what?
My penis is going to look
super-small for a second.
I've seen your penis
every single way.
Not this small.
Take your pants off.
Let's do it.
It's going to look
like a baby's dick.
Okay, you're ruining
the moment.
I'm just going to
cut you off right now.
(WHISPERING) Baby dick.
Okay.
(WHOOPING)
Come on, it's so nice! Fuck it.
Do it!
(CHEERING) Ow!
What? What?
My hip, my hip!
Oh, my God.
I landed on something.
It's a fire hydrant.
What the fuck is a fire
hydrant doing there?
Poor old grandpa.
Oh, God.
Did I just say,
"My hip, my hip"?
Yes, you did.
Sorry, babe.
(GUN FIRES)
Oh, God.
I shot him.
Right in the brains.
Welcome to your
manhood, Tom.
BILL: Hey, you...
You like my sweater?
Yeah.
I knitted it.
Oh, cool. Awesome.
Yeah.
My kids used to take these
really long, boring naps.
And, for a while, I just stared at them.
But then I found knitting.
I can knit you one if you want.
It's super-cozy.
Here, feel it.
Wow, that actually
is super-cozy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See, I told you this place is awesome.
You just gotta settle into it.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(HONKING)
Hello!
Look at her.
Let me hold her.
Careful, Violet. Mind her neck.
You did it.
You're so clever.
It's adorable.
See, he calls it an "it."
Dude, Clam Bar.
Booked for an entire month.
You cannot get
a table for 30 days.
Thank you so much for quitting, bro.
You made my career.
Oh. Yeah, I did it alt
for you, buddy.
Anyways, so how's Michigan?
You know, it's a bit of an adjustment.
But, all in all, it's fine.
Wow.
Sorry.
Have you told her
how much you hate it?
I don't hate it.
A bit of Irish stoicism
never hurt anyone.
Well, I think it hurt
a shitload of Irish people.
Bro, you gotta be
honest with her, man.
I am honest.
No, you're not.
You're not being
honest with me.
You're not being
honest with her.
Don't be a martyr.
Trust me, dude.
You need to be honest with this woman.
She's going to be your wife.
Like me, for example, when Suzie
told me that she was pregnant,
I was like,
"There's no fucking way
you're keeping this baby."
Because that's what I felt.
I was like, "No.
It's not mine, I know it."
Because I was being honest.
I didn't get caught up on
how that would make her feel.
You know,
I was just being myself.
She, of course,
figured out later
that that was just panic
and anger setting in.
And now she knows
that about me.
So, two weeks ago, when I
was trying to talk her into
giving up
the baby for adoption,
she's like, "Is this panic,
and is this anger?"
And I was like,
"Oh, my God, it is.
"Let's keep it."
Let's just...
Let's go see your family.
So, darling?
VIOLET: Mmm-hmm?
Any ideas when this new
wedding might happen?
Mmm. No...
I mean, not yet.
Because, you know,
we've just moved
and it's just a big
transition, and so...
Look, it's never
going to be easy.
I mean, you could delay forever.
Like you did with Gideon.
You always need
things to be perfect.
Mum, it's hardly the same, all right?
Gideon was a complete tool
and so that's why I was
procrastinating as much as I did.
What's the date?
I don't know yet, Mum. You've
got to make a date, darling.
I don't know yet,
Mum, and I will.
Pick a date. Why is
that so difficult?
It's not difficult.
I'm just saying that
we've just got there
and we're trying
to enjoy ourselves.
Pick a date. Pick it,
pick it, pick it!
Okay. I cannot think with you
yelling "Pick it" at me.
Shh!
You know why you're not sure?
No. Because you've
never been sure.
Okay, what I don't understand
is that you hated marriage.
So why are you
forcing me into it?
Well, well, well,
Miss Smarty-pants.
For your information,
I did not hate marriage,
I loved marriage.
I loved your father, always.
I was happy.
That's why I'm so
angry with him now.
I was happy with
that idiot!
I'm sorry I'm
not 23 years old.
I'm sorry I'm
not made in China.
I'm sorry I'm not
Miss Chew Chin Chow!
(EXHALES)
(GROANS)
Now look what you've done.
(SUZIE MOANS)
Crazy about Alex
and the Clam Bar, right?
Yeah.
It's good, though.
You know, it really is.
It's good for him.
Are you okay about it?
I'm fine.
Um... So, you know
what I was thinking?
I know that we're not
in any rush or anything,
but do you think maybe we should
start planning this wedding?
Yes! I was just thinking that.
Yeah?
Okay. Great.
Yes.
I'll take the lead this time.
No.
Listen, you're super-busy.
I've got time to do it.
You can just... Look, pitch
in when you can, but...
Would you really do that?
You did everything last time.
It's a two-way street.
Thank you.
Of course.
That's very kind.
You're a very
good planner.
I hope you like Legoland.
(CHUCKLING)
Because that's where
it's going to be.
(CHUCKLING)
(SIGHING)
I'm your giant man.
YOU are my enormous man.
Right, so who's
going to be our actor?
Hmm? No, no, please, no.
I really don't want to do it.
Come on, it's simple. You just
explain the personality test,
then casually mention
that the day-old donuts will
be replaced by fresh ones.
No, I know what
I'm going to say.
Anyone who takes an old donut has
got impulse control problems.
No, I know, it's just...
I'm going to freeze up.
You're going
to be great.
People love you. You gotta do
it, it's gonna be so much fun.
(ALL CHANTING) Violet.
Violet, Violet, Violet.
Okay.
WINTON: Go on.
Whoo!
Violet, Violet.
Hello, everybody.
So, before you fill out
your personality tests,
I just wanted to apologize
for the snacks.
Those donuts are
from yesterday.
And there will be fresh ones to replace
those ones in half of an hour.
She's horrible.
So, wait or dine,
the choice is yours. Bye.
MING: She's really bad.
DOUG: She's really bad.
WINTON: Be nice, be nice.
Hey. There she is.
No, no. I messed it up.
A round of applause.
(ALL CLAMORING)
That was so good.
That was seamless.
That was a good job.
WOMAN: Hi, Professor.
Hey.
So, I got the save-the-date.
Very exciting.
Yes, it is.
What is it?
What do you mean?
Well, you know, I just sensed
something in your voice.
Oh, no.
I don't think so.
Really?
No, I...
Well, I mean...
Oh, sorry, look, it's none of my business.
I shouldn't intrude.
You know, it's your and Tom's thing.
I understand.
Really.
I mean,
it's not a secret.
It's just that... I think I just
wish Tom were happier here.
Has he told you
he's unhappy?
No, but I can tell.
Listen, I think
Tom is fantastic.
But you mustn't let his
situation make you feel guilty.
You've worked hard
to get here. Okay?
You're on the verge,
you know?
It's okay to be selfish.
You're a good person, a very good
person, and Tom will be fine.
Tom is all right.
Tom will understand.
Yeah. Right.
Hey, Professor.
Hey, Ashley.
God, you know
everyone here.
Well, most of the girls
are called Ashley
and most of the guys are called
Zack, so I play the odds.
MAN: Hey, Professor.
Hey, Zack. How's Ashley?
(CHUCKLING)
see?
And now if you'll excuse me,
I'm late for tae kwon do.
Okay.
(MIMICS PUNCHING)
(LAUGHING)
TOM: French vanilla
with coconut custard?
I mean, who thinks of that?
Some sort of genius.
With or without
the fruit compote?
You're going to want
the fruit compote.
So, you guys have,
kind of, had a lot.
TOM: This cake is so good.
Cake testing is the best.
I know, I don't know why girls get
so tense about all this planning.
It's fun!
Oh, my God.
You look so handsome.
Maybe I should, like,
just try on a regular tuxedo.
Yeah, of course.
Of course.
I feel like Bigfoot
would get married in this.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
God, I want a donut.
You know, that's not
really a mirror.
It's like, five nerds
back there, taking notes.
What's up, nerds?
These donuts suck.
What about
the white peonies?
Oh. Do you like
white peonies?
Yeah.
TOM: I've always heard, though, that,
I don't know if you have them,
but black peonies
are much bigger.
I've heard that, too.
Oh, really?
Oh, I hadn't heard that.
Oh! So you haven't
seen a black peonies?
No, I never have.
Hey, have you ever had a white
penis up your butt? (SNICKERS)
(SCOFFS) Bill.
VIOLET: Okay, I'm not
acting anymore.
I don't like it.
I'm not doing it again.
Please let me do it.
No, no way.
You like it too much.
Ming.
(SIGHING)
God damn it!
Go on.
How come nobody
ever asks me?
Because you'll make
the whole room masturbate.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hmm. Impressive.
It is very interesting that there was
that 25% correlation in both groups
in that subjects who had a
history of life disruption
also ate the stale donuts.
It would be things like
job loss, divorce,
trouble with the law,
multiple partners,
that kind of thing.
I mean, in short,
I would say that
the people who ate the stale
donuts were essentially...
Screw-ups.
Well, yeah, I didn't
want to say, but...
WINTON: Well, Violet,
congratulations.
And your timing couldn't
have been more perfect.
We've just got
the NIH funding.
Of course, partially due
to your excellent work.
And this means I can
extend your postdoc.
Really?
Which means you're going to be
with us for a few more years.
Wow, that is fantastic.
Thank you.
No, thank you, Violet.
Yeah. I can't wait
to tell Tom.
TOM: Hey!
Hey!
Can I show you three options
for our invitation card stock?
You sure can.
I'm super excited.
Okay, we have got the...
I love you.
Aw! I love you, too.
I do.
Something crazy
happened today.
Winton called me into the
office and hinted that
they might be
extending my postdoc.
So, what does that mean
for us, exactly? Um...
I think what it
probably means is that
we would stay here just for
a little bit and then...
Would you like
some of this wine?
Nope.
No? Okay.
Um, I think the first phase
would be a few years,
and then, potentially,
if that went well,
for longer.
It sounds like
we're staying.
Look, I know our plans changed, but
they changed because I did well,
and I know it doesn't
feel like that to you,
but maybe it's a good
thing that they changed.
For you.
Yes, for me, but...
I've just worked so hard
for my whole life for this.
I feel like I'm
on the verge, babe.
And maybe it's okay
for me to be selfish.
Well, if it's okay
for you to be selfish,
I guess everyone else can just
figure it out on their own.
Okay, that came out wrong.
That came out wrong.
No, I think you said
exactly what you meant.
Academia's my life, Tom. I guess
you just don't understand.
(SIGHING) Can I
tell you something?
It makes me
feel like shit
when you tell me I don't
understand things.
Okay. No, listen, I
have news for you.
I do understand.
I understand everything,
I just don't like it.
Well, I'm sorry.
You're right.
It's just not nice.
Okay, look.
I'm very excited about
what happened today.
Do you want
to know something?
As soon as I heard the news, I felt
instantly terrified to tell you.
Now, there's something
wrong with that,
that I feel like you
can't share in this with me.
Even a little.
I'm happy for you.
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY)
Yay! We get to stay here!
You're being a prick.
Then I'll just try
to be happy, too.
That's not being
happy for me.
I want you to be happy.
That's not being
happy for me.
That is martyring yourself
and then blaming me for your
perceived lack of success.
Now...
Now I have
a lack of success?
Well, I don't think you do. I
have a lack of success now?
But you clearly think you do
and that's the problem.
The fact remains, Tom, that
you work at a cool place,
but you refuse
to see it as that.
I ran a kitchen
in San Francisco,
Okay
okay?
And you have
no idea how it feels
to be the guy
in a relationship
and not have a job
that you're proud of.
It's embarrassing.
Why haven't we once
talked about the fact
that you are upset that
you're not running Clam Bar?
You never talk about it.
Because I'm a man, and men
and women are different.
(MOCKINGLY) We don't have to sit
around and talk about our feelings.
What?
There's nothing to say!
You say, "I'm upset," Tom!
You say it!
Fine! You want
to talk about it?
Yes!
I hate it here!
Thank you!
I hate it here!
Thank you for...
I think it sucks here!
I think it sucks my fucking dick!
Great.
Good for you.
I hate it!
I hate it here!
Okay, okay, okay,
but now we move forward.
Now what should we do?
Would you like to
open up a Clam Bar here?
You can't get
fresh clams here.
(EXHALING DEEPLY)
I meant it as a metaphor.
(MIMICKING VIOLET EXHALING)
You know what?
This is all very confusing.
And I'm clearly overwhelmed
And I've gotta be honest,
I think the best thing would be for
me to just be alone right now,
so that I can think.
Okay.
I'll just give you
some time then, shall I?
Well, don't go.
I mean...
I need you here.
What do you mean? You just
told me you needed time alone.
What do you want? I don't
know what you want.
I don't want you to go.
Okay.
I just want to be
alone with you here.
Can you at least lay down? Okay.
Like a normal
human being?
Do you want me just to be...
I want...
Okay.
I'm trying to be alone.
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
I know that things are really
complicated right now, babe.
I just want us
both to be happy.
Do you think
we could do that here?
No.
TOM: One, two, dinner.
Damn it!
I missed.
Is it 7:00 a.m. yet?
It is somewhere.
(CHUCKLES)
VIOLET: Cheers, everyone!
Cheers!
Thanks for coming.
It's so good to
see you guys, really.
Yeah. Yes, you guys, too.
So, here we've got some venison meat pie.
SUZIE: Mmm-hmm.
And in the far corner
we have some venison marrow.
And here we have some
forest-foraged vegetables,
which I foraged myself.
So, enjoy.
Mmm!
SUZIE: Yeah.
And, honestly, eat as
much as you guys want.
I have three deer
hanging in the garage.
So, there's plenty
of meat to go around.
Wow.
TOM: Oh, my gosh,
how rude of me.
Can I get anyone
some more mead?
I've been collecting
the honey myself.
Tom has become something
of an amateur beekeeper.
It's just at the right stage of fermentation.
(SNIFFS) Here you go.
Drink as much
as you like.
I feel like I'm drinking
out of Chewbacca's dick.
Oh, wow.
That's just honey, huh?
That's really...
It's hurting my teeth.
So, we're having a boy.
Oh, my God!
Yeah!
Congratulations!
Yeah! Thank you!
That is amazing news.
One of each.
A little prince. One of each,
so we're done, that's it.
Oh, I knew it!
SUZIE: So great.
You were boobing out when you came in.
SUZIE: Yeah.
Yeah.
That is so exciting
for you guys.
I couldn't be
happier for you guys.
Thank you.
I'm not sure that I ever
want to have kids.
What is it?
I thought you had always wanted kids.
That's silly.
You know, sometimes the biggest
balls are the ones left unused.
(CHUCKLES)
What the fuck
did you just say?
I don't know.
It's an expression.
Do you know what?
I have an idea.
Tom and I are going to take
care of Vanessa tonight.
You two are
going to go out.
And I will prove to you
how fun children are, okay?
Yes. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I don't want
Vanessa to take part
in one of her psychological
experiments.
It's not an experiment.
SUZIE: I'm fine with it.
Yes, I am fine doing that.
I need a night out.
You know what, we'll talk
about it and get back to you.
Done, done.
It's done. Come on.
SUZIE: Honey.
Honey?
(WHISPERING) Alex, I do.
You don't understand.
Honey, come on. SUZIE: I
think we're doing it.
He looks like a drifter.
SUZIE: I don't care
if he's a psycho.
You go out every night!
I need this.
Look at him.
SUZIE: I never go out.
I can hear you.
SUZIE: Do this for me.
Do this for me.
When we come back, she'll be
hanging on a hook in the garage.
SUZIE: Come on. No.
ALEX: I'm telling you.
SUZIE: We're doing it tonight.
Do this for me.
Well, it's decided,
we're going out!
All right!
All right.
SUZIE: We're doing it. Yeah.
It's going to be fun.
Put it on the other side.
Like that? Should we try to
make another set of steps?
I gotta go and pee.
Can you just watch her for one second?
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
Okay.
How did this
go in together?
TOM: I don't know, but it kind of
looks like a train, doesn't it?
I'm going to
put this one here.
This is all I need.
Totally.
(LAUGHING)
Tom, where's Vanessa?
Babe, you have
got to see this.
Tom, where's Vanessa?
What?
Where is she?
You have to keep
an eye on her.
She was literally
just right here.
Okay, but you got to
keep an eye, you know?
Okay, I'm sure she's right around here.
Vanessa?
Vanessa? Vanessa,
where are you?
Oh, my God, Tom!
What are you
talking about? Whoa.
What is your crossbow
doing on the kitchen table?
A crossbow doesn't
clean itself, you know.
What is it doing there?
Hey.
Yeah.
Why don't you... Why don't we
come back out here and play?
No. I'm Pocahontas.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
VIOLET: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
All right,
just get to the...
Oh, my God, it's in my leg!
Oh, my God, it's in my leg!
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
Stay calm! Stay calm!
Get it out!
Get it out of my leg!
Get it out of my leg!
Okay! Okay!
I'm gonna pull it out!
No, no, no,
don't pull it out!
That'll ruin the meat.
It's not meat,
it's my leg!
I got it! Stay calm!
Get it out!
(SCREAMING)
That's really in there.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God!
My God.
Ugh!
Just put pressure on it.
What happened?
She shot me
with a crossbow.
What?
I want to punch you in the face right now.
Do you understand that?
I think we should
all just...
My sister had an arrow
in her leg tonight, Tom!
It's not an arrow,
it's a bolt.
ALEX: Well, I guess we were totally wrong!
It's a bolt!
Oh, you're right. You know what,
we're in the wrong, here.
My daughter didn't just witness
herself nearly murdering her aunt!
There was blood
all over the place!
She's up there freaking out right now!
She shit her pants!
She hasn't shit her pants
in two or three months
and now she's up there,
shitting her pants!
She feels responsible for
injuring her aunt, who she loves!
You understand what
that does to a kid?
You don't! And you don't even give...
You don't care.
It's a good thing you don't
want to be a father,
because you'd be
a terrible father.
And I don't like this. I don't
like this new "Lamb Chop" Tom!
You lost it, bro. Tether's
cut, you're in orbit.
You're out there.
God! I'm so sorry!
I'm sorry, but please
don't be so upset.
At least nobody died.
PRIEST: And Grandpa Baba's
last words were,
"I can't wait until
Violet's wedding."
Okay, babe, I gotta go.
I'm really late.
Okay. Mmm. Donuts. Are
you going to eat these?
No, but those are old.
And if you want to
just wait for a minute,
I'll be back with
some fresh ones.
Mmm!
These are fine. I didn't
have to wait at all.
Are you going
to get dressed today?
I think today is
more of a bunny day.
Yeah.
(PEOPLE TOASTING LOUDLY)
I have to say something.
I have to say something.
I just have to be, just for real.
I love you guys.
ALL: Aw!
I love you guys.
This is a fucking great
department, all of you guys.
You guys are
the best co-workers.
Except Ming, I don't know. I
just don't think you respect me.
I don't think that
you've ever respected me.
And I'm just not feeling it,
and I had to be honest.
But to everyone else, to us!
VIOLET: Yeah!
Whoo!
To everyone except Ming.
DOUG: Except for Ming.
VIOLET: Sorry, Ming.
DOUG: Oh, wow.
I want to give a toast.
I love all of you so much.
You're my best friends. The best
friends anybody could ever ask for.
Except for you, Vaneetha.
I don't like you.
I don't like you.
You're a bitch.
But I love all
of you so much!
I love all of you.
You're the best!
DOUG: All right.
Except for Vaneetha,
you're the best!
Calm down, Ming.
She's a bitch.
(MING LAUGHING)
(ALARM RINGING)
Listen, what
I want to know is,
why are professors in movies
always writing stuff,
equations and stuff,
on windows?
I don't know.
I don't get it.
I don't get it, either.
I don't understand it.
I don't get the fact that my
fianc behaves like a freak.
These are not
things that I know.
I mean, surely, you know,
in a university
you wouldn't be far
from a pen and paper,
or a computer,
or an overhead projector...
I feel like you're
not listening to me.
I feel like
you're not listening.
I'm trying to offload and
tell you my issues with Tom.
Oh, shut up, will you?
Put a sock in it.
Why? I'm coming
to you as a friend.
You're wallowing.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
I'm not wallowing.
You are wallowing.
What do you know? You don't know
anything about relationships.
Well, all right,
I'll take that.
When I'm in a relationship,
I'm a complete and
utter control freak.
Are you really? Are you really, though?
But that's not what...
It doesn't matter.
I'm surprised.
What we're talking about
now is your wallowing.
I'm not wallowing.
I was just trying
to tell you that
I needed something
different tonight,
and that's it.
Okay, here it comes.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Okay, shut up, shut up, shut up.
This is amazing.
Mmm!
No! No, no, no.
What were we thinking? I mean, I
was wrong, obviously. Totally.
I'm with Tom.
Yeah.
I'm taken.
I know.
I'm with Tom.
I apologize.
I'm going to go find Tom.
I know that.
It was a friend kissing a friend.
This was bad.
I kissed you
and you kissed
your boss.
Who are you texting?
I'm texting myself.
Yourself?
I am very drunk and I
will not remember this.
Hey, Tom!
Hey!
Hey, babe.
Hey.
I've been looking for you.
You're drunk, sweetie.
No, I'm not.
And you didn't
come home last night.
VIOLET: I know, because I've been
thinking about stuff, and I just...
What have you
been thinking?
I love you,
and you love me.
And I just think that,
why on Earth
would we put it
off any longer?
Because... I'll tell
you why we put it off.
Because we both decided
we had too many problems
and we were going to put the wedding
off until things got better.
Which was dumb as balls.
That was so dumb, Tom.
And I have been dumb,
saying that.
Please, I just want
to marry you, Tom.
Please?
Are you serious?
Yeah.
I'm so serious. I don't
know what we've been doing.
I have no idea why we've been
putting it off and waiting
and shifting
and this and that,
and dicking around.
It's like...
I just love you so much.
Madly.
So badly, Tom.
I just want to...
I just want
to get married.
TARQUIN: Yeah,
that's super sanitary.
You're making boner
impressions in the dough.
(CHUCKLES)
TARQUIN: Are you going
to puke?
Oh, shit.
Did you just
fucking eat it?
TOM: (CHUCKLING)
Baby, did you eat it?
Ugh.
That's disgusting.
(RETCHING)
VIOLET: Sorry.
I'm cool.
(RETCHING)
Sorry, Tarquin.
You know, that would have been way less
gross if you'd just puked everywhere.
All we have available that
weekend is our accordionist.
I love accordion. Great.
Me, too.
The Chos never made it to the altar,
so you can have this one for cheap.
Awesome.
Great.
And if you don't have a venue, my
brother Randy has a barbeque joint.
It's pretty killer.
Oh, sweet.
Perfect.
What does that say?
Yeah, it says,
"I don't read Korean."
All right,
I was just asking.
I'm just telling you.
I-46.
What do you think?
I think I love it.
Should we just book this place for
the rehearsal dinner as well?
Yes.
Great.
Done.
Done.
Sounds great to me.
Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
We were wondering,
do you do weddings?
You both Jewish?
Yeah.
Mmm!
I'm so excited
for tomorrow night.
Yeah.
Our rehearsal dinner.
I can't believe it.
It's finally here.
What's going on?
Nothing. Nada.
Something. What's up?
Winton kissed me.
What?
It meant nothing.
When?
It was a few weeks ago.
He was drunk and he didn't
mean what he was doing, Tom.
It was a stupid mistake.
He was drunk.
He's not coming
tomorrow night.
No, he's not.
I will tell him that.
This will never,
ever happen again.
I promise.
(SIGHS) I really wish you
hadn't told me that.
I'm sorry.
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
Is this going to happen?
Yes.
It's going to happen.
Because it's fine
if it's not.
Yeah, it's going to happen.
It's about to happen.
(SHUDDERING)
Did you just fake orgasm?
No.
He kissed me, Tom!
Okay, you know what'?
That is a cop out.
That is not fair.
Yes, he may have been
the one who kissed you,
but there is a reason that he
felt like that was an option.
You know that's the truth.
I'm going to go
sleep on the couch.
Tom.
Tom, come on.
Okay, no, you want to know something?
For the record,
I did fake that orgasm.
And I bet you probably couldn't even tell.
That's right.
Men can do it, too.
Hurts, doesn't it?
I'm going to
sleep out front.
Don't.
You're not the boss of me.
SUZIE: I'm really proud
of you guys.
I'm really glad you're finally doing it.
Yes. You're doing it.
We're finally here,
we made it.
ALEX: Hey, hey, don't cancel.
SUZIE: No, please
don't cancel.
Tom.
You know.
You've got 24 hours left. You've
got just 24 hours to get through.
And you could be
as happy as we are.
Yeah.
We're so happy.
I love you. I love you.
You drive me
fucking crazy.
Oh, God!
Oh, fuck.
I don't care who's watching.
I got a huge boner.
Hey, everyone.
Tom, you're so lucky,
because Violet is
like a princess.
You know when
you're a little kid
and you see Cinderella or
Sleeping Beauty or whatever,
and you're like,
"I want to fuck that."
You get to.
I think that
came out wrong.
In my head, it...
It sounded sweeter in my head.
Does that make...
I'm an alcoholic.
I just wanted to say
that I've only known
Violet and Tom
for a short while,
but their union
is a real mitzvah.
And it is my great
hope that they raise
their children
in the Jewish faith,
so that they, too, may continue our
Zionist struggle against the Arab.
We must continue our fight
against their murderous ways!
Do not give up
the settlements!
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
Next year in Jerusalem!
That's enough
for the toasts.
Let's just start the dancing.
Let's get dancing.
(FOLK TUNE PLAYING)
WINTON: Psst! Hey, Tom.
What are you doing here?
Tom, I...
(STAMMERING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
I've come to apologize.
My behavior was
totally uncalled for.
Honestly,
it was abhorrent.
But we are going to
be here for a long time
and I just don't want this
thing hanging between us.
You should run.
Hey, Vi.
LI\/in?
What's going on?
Well, now I have to beat
the shit out of Winton.
Ready?
No.
Here it comes.
Okay.
Tom, don't. Tom, Tom, Tom!
Here we go.
VIOLET: Do not
beat up Winton!
Tom!
WINTON: Stop this, Tom!
This is ridiculous!
You better keep running.
I'm going to
kick your ass!
I said I'm sorry!
You will never get away from me.
I'm a hunter.
WINTON: Can't we at least
stop and have a rest?
I never rest!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(CARS HONKING)
(MOCKINGLY) Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Tom! (GRUNTS)
I'm sorry, are you okay?
Why?
Fuck.
(GRUNTS)
Tom? Tom.
Tom. Come on.
(SCREAMING)
Hey, hey, hey!
Let me help you. Come on.
Okay! Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
(GROANS)
Tom, I'm sorry, that was instinct.
Listen, are you okay?
Breathe, just breathe,
breathe in.
It will go away. Okay?
I'm sorry, Tom.
I really am. Yeah?
How could you
do this to me?
I haven't done
anything to you.
Violet did something
to you, not me.
If a woman wants to kiss me,
I'm going to fucking kiss her.
Underneath all
that polite bullshit,
we're all running
on caveman software.
If she's got a husband
or a fianc or a boyfriend,
it's on her conscience,
not mine.
You should run.
Look, Tom, this is ridiculous.
Let's just put a stop to this now.
Please.
Come on, I'm sorry.
I really am.
Winton, if you feel bad about what
you did, then you'll run from me.
Well, okay,
I'll keep running.
I'm off. Sorry.
Okay, I gave you
a head start.
You better run.
Oh, tricky.
(EXCLAIMS)
You gotta be kidding me.
Ah!
Tom!
(CHEERING)
Ah!
MARGARET: Tom?
TOM: Margaret.
He)!
He)'
Guys, this is Tom.
We work together.
You want to go
get some food?
I got the keys
to Zingerman's.
Come in. Shh!
Oh, my God, I'm going to hit
the City Goat wicked hard.
I would eat that.
I'm so hungry.
What have you got?
The potato salad?
I'm drunk, dude.
Yeah, me, too.
(LAUGHING)
Look.
Oh, man, holy shit.
Oh!
Tell me you haven't
fantasized about that.
(CHUCKLING)
Actually, I haven't.
Mmm!
That's really good.
You taste
the fennel pollen?
There's Marrakech
pepper in there, too.
And smoked paprika.
No, wait, now me. Do me.
What are you doing?
Come on. (SCREAMS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This is weird.
Right?
Yeah.
Wait, you got a little...
You got a little
bit right there.
I think it's
everywhere. Wait.
Just a little.
I think you're cute.
This is really silly.
You're going to...
Well, don't take my...
I don't want to be... Whoa!
Wait.
Wait.
No, hold on. We should
wait about that.
(TOM STAMMERING)
MARGARET:
Hang on, look.
Stop and think about this before...
Oh, fuck me!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Sriracha!
No,no,no!
It's hot pepper.
Oh, my God!
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Oh, shit! Here. Come
here, cheese helps.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Shit, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay.
I don't...
Here, just do it.
I have an idea. I have an idea.
What?
You ready?
What are you doing?
Excuse me, sir. Could you
please pass the Grey Poupon?
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
I totally just
thought of that.
Well, I mean, I thought of
it, like, the other night.
I have to go
to the bathroom.
Are you okay?
Oh, no.
(TOM GROANING)
(SLURRING SPEECH) Violet.
I didn't mean to do that.
Violet.
(SOBBING) I'm sorry.
I didn't want to do that.
You fucking idiot.
The cold makes you
have a baby dick.
Oh, God, what's happening?
Where am I?
Sir, sir, can you help me?
I'm frozen.
Oh, God,
what's happening?
My toe! (SOBBING)
God, my toe!
Hi.
I did something
really bad last night.
Yeah.
Tarquin brought your pants back
to the hospital, so I kind of
put two and two
together, you know.
I'm sorry I keep smiling.
I know what's
happening is so bad,
but I'm on all
of this Percocet.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
I'm not happy-
I know that.
Neither am I.
I'm just not the man
that I want to be right now.
I don't think I
can be the husband
that you need me
to be right now.
I think I've made you
very, very unhappy here.
You know, and I don't know
how to make it right anymore.
Almost perfect
for each other.
Sorry.
Sorry.
(INDISTINCT)
Bye.
This smells incredible.
Hey. Thank you.
You're like the king
of the kitchen. Oh.
Dinner is served.
(CHUCKLING)
Thank you.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Happy Thanksgiving,
darling.
Oh, thank you.
This is so exciting,
being together.
Every summer, we'll have
eight weeks off,
which we can spend
in my lodge in Nova Scotia,
where we can
work on our papers.
And then, every seven years
we'll have a sabbatical,
which we can enjoy in Wales
on my family's farm.
That's a lot of planning.
I'm getting ahead
of myself. I'm sorry.
Bon apptit.
Thank you.
All right, dig in.
I am ravenous.
Oh, man.
Baby, that meal
was amazing.
Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
What do you
want to do now?
I don't know, it's
Thanksgiving and I'm stuffed.
I thought maybe we
could just hang out here
and have a kind
of mellow evening.
Yeah, I love
a mellow evening.
Yeah!
Go faster, faster!
Come on!
I'm trying. No!
Ow!Ow!Ow!
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I don't like that.
I could just do this forever.
Yeah.
I just need a break.
Okay.
I need a break.
Okay.
Go fucking faster, Tom!
(GRUNTING)
(INDIAN CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
Tom, be more
Indian than that.
(FAST LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(DANCE HALL MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV)
Let's paint.
Let's paint.
What?
Let's paint. Let's paint.
Let's paint.
I don't understand... We're
making art together.
But why do we
need goggles?
This is a new level
of our relationship.
(SIGHING)
This feels dumb.
We've reached
a plateau.
This feels dumb.
WOMAN ON TV: We have unfinished business.
Is this about revenge?
I'm so bored.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
(IN MASCULINE VOICE)
I love you, too, Audrey.
I love you.
Please stop doing
that to my face.
Why? I just want to see your
eyes, they're so pretty.
Tom, that was
really aggressive.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
I forgive you.
Okay.
Okay.
Babe, really, honestly...
It's, like, raw down there
at this point. I gotta sleep.
Faster!
Tommy, go faster!
Fuck.
Oh, my God, Tom!
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
TOM: Hey, Violet, happy birthday.
Just thinking of you.
Looks like the Michigan psych
department has been busy.
I found this
on the Internet.
Not sure if you're
aware of it.
Anyways, hope all is well.
Love, Tom.
You just go to sleep,
and then upon completion of the
experiment, you will receive $35 check.
(LAUGHING)
The subject is asleep.
Time for the experiment.
Let's see what happens.
Pour blood
all over his body.
Cover his body
in feathers.
It's time to put
a gun in his hand.
Oh, my God!
Now, the final step.
I'm going to yell, "Wake up!"
inside of his ear.
Let's see what happens.
(SCREAMING) Wake up!
(GUN FIRES)
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
TARQUIN: You motherfucker!
MING: No, no, help!
No, please!
TARQUIN: What the fuck?
You motherfucker!
ALEX: How we
doing over here?
Nice work, Jay.
Let me take over
for a little bit,
I want to hang out
with these nice people.
Tommy boy!
Yo, what's up, buddy?
Hear my Maserati broke down?
No, really?
ALEX: Yeah.
You think I could
get a tow?
All right, Alex,
I have no toe, okay?
We get it. Thank you.
No toe.
(PHONE RINGING)
ALEX: (LAUGHING)
He has terrible balance.
Yo, phone call,
is that cool?
Totally.
Toe-tally.
TOM: Violet.
Hi.
Hey, happy birthday.
Thank you.
Wow, it's nice
to hear from you.
Yeah, you, too.
It's been a long time, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's been a long time.
Yeah.
Is everything good?
Everything's good.
Yeah, yeah.
How's... How's you?
How's Winton?
He's good.
How's Audrey?
She's, you know,
it's the same old Audrey.
Same "old" Audrey.
On. Right.
Because she's a baby.
She is a child.
How about Winton?
Is it fun to have sex with
a 100-year-old man? Ha-ha!
Oh, don't do that.
I got it.
You're right.
Hey, I have
a fun birthday game.
Okay.
Feel like playing a game?
Yeah. Depends.
Okay.
Like, what was
the actual moment
when you knew that
things were over?
Let's not do that.
I mean, I know I left a loaded
crossbow on the kitchen table.
Yeah, you did do that.
I hooked up
with a co-worker...
And then you
ate the old donut.
What did you
say about a donut?
I didn't, I just said...
It doesn't matter.
What?
I think it's going to sound really stupid
when I say it out loud. Okay. Um...
You know that
experiment that I initiated,
which was based
on the fact that
people who ate old donuts
had emotional deficiencies
and problems with commitment?
And, you know, the results
were very accurate with it.
And so when I saw you,
um, really going to town on a
plate of old donuts, it...
It freaked me out.
Tom?
Hello?
(FEIGNS LAUGHTER)
I think that that is,
like, the dumbest thing
that I have ever heard.
You know what?
I never said anything,
but your entire
premise is bullshit.
Okay? And would
you like to know why?
Because these imaginary new
donuts that you offer people,
they may never arrive.
Okay, they're not real.
And me, personally,
I am not the type of person
who wants to sit around
and wait for something
that might never arrive
when they know that the thing
they have in front of them is...
It's tasty!
It's good, okay?
And you know what?
It's not about the age of the
donut, it's about the flavor. Boom.
And you know the other thing?
The new donuts,
they're going to get
stale someday, too.
And this is exactly
what I did not want to happen
when I sent that email.
I think I should just go.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, you should go.
You're clearly
very upset and...
I don't even know
what I said.
Everything just turned red.
It's so hot back here.
It's why people are always
fighting in the Middle East.
It's just, you get so hot.
Tom,
I'm going to go, okay?
Yeah.
Happy birthday.
Okay.
Bye.
Goodbye.
(LAUGHING) ls somebody crying?
Sorry.
Dude, what's up?
I don't know what
I'm doing, dude.
I just got off the phone with Violet.
And I just feel fucking...
I don't know.
(SIGHS)
I don't know how
I ended up here.
Can I be honest with you?
You shouldn't be here
working in my restaurant, man.
You should be running
your own restaurant.
You're a better chef than me,
you always have been.
Everybody here knows it.
Tom, you're fired.
I'm firing you.
Pack your knives and go.
(LAUGHS)
That's Top Chef.
Yeah, that's Top Chef.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Seeing you chop
onions is depressing.
It's like watching
Michael Jordan take a shit.
He could probably get it in the
toilet from, like, 30 feet away.
(LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY)
Three-pointer
from the living room.
Nothing but porcelain.
Poosh.
Poosh.
Poosh.
I think about 13 miles to the
gallon, city, 15, highway.
There's a bit of
blood spatter in the back.
I think it's haunted.
Great crash rating, though.
So, what are you
going to be using it for?
Food service.
Oh, buddy.
TOM: All right, we're going
to need two more venison.
Sorry for the holdup,
everybody.
How's my taco coming?
We good?
Let's get it.
Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow?
All right.
I just want you to know,
I've had tacos in Oahu.
I've had tacos in Baja.
I've had tacos
in Port-au-Prince.
I've had tacos
in Buenos Aires.
I've even had
tacos in Guatemala.
These are the best motherfucking
tacos I have ever had.
You're a white guy.
You make tacos like a Mexican.
Thanks.
Give me a hug.
Oh, really?
Give me a hug, now!
All right.
Mmm! You smell like a taco.
Okay, can we get
those tacos ready?
As you know, we have a sufficiency
of qualified candidates
for a position in
your department,
but you got it.
Congratulations.
You're being promoted to assistant
professor, tenure track. Congratulations.
Holy shit!
(LAUGHING)
Sorry, that was really
inappropriate, it's just...
Shoot, I am so thrilled.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
Professor Walch.
Bravo, bravo.
Thank you, Professor.
Fudge.
Wonderful.
Doug?
Hey.
Heard your news.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Where are you going?
Uh... On my way to
University of North Dakota.
Oh! Well, that's good.
Yeah. No, no, it's great.
I'm excited.
I'm going to be a pioneer.
I'm going to be the first
black guy to freeze to death.
It's going to be cool.
Yeah, I'm pumped up about it.
Cool.
Yeah.
It's just like that song.
I get knocked down,
except I get up
again in North Dakota,
which is the worst
place on Earth.
I'm sorry.
You know what? I'm overreacting.
It's going to be great.
And I couldn't keep up with you and Winton.
I couldn't compete, so...
(SCOFFS)
What do you mean by that?
I mean, come on,
you know what I mean.
I don't.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, well, it's not
really like that.
Uh... No, it's a fact.
Yeah, well, that's not
why I got the...
Ah. A little bit.
Okay.
VIOLET: Hey.
Hey. Here she is.
So, congratulations.
Thank you.
She got the job? Motherfucker!
Shh!
It's very exciting.
How long do you think
I have to decide,
you know, whether
to take it or not?
Sorry, I don't
understand the question.
Oh, the position.
I'm just wondering how
long I've got to decide
on whether
I should take it.
Well, you have to take it.
You've got no choice.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Did I get the job
because I deserved it
or did I get it because you're
trying to keep me here?
You got it because
you deserved it.
Okay. So, I was
the strongest candidate.
Of course you were.
Okay, we should
not be watching this.
You're right,
we shouldn't.
WINTON: I mean, these things
are inherently subjective,
but I certainly feel that
we made the right choice, yes.
I think I just need
you to say "yes" or "no"
as to whether I was
the strongest candidate.
Well, why does it
matter so much?
Because it matters to me. You know,
I want to deserve to be here.
Was I the best?
Who's to say who's
the best or the worst?
I'm better than she is.
No, you're not. It goes
Violet, me, you, then Doug.
What do these
labels even mean?
Look, just answer me.
Did I deserve the job
or did I get it because you're
trying to keep me here?
It's very simple, Winton.
Violet, why don't
you trust me?
If you make me answer
that question,
you're violating our
unspoken agreement of faith.
What does that mean?
What are you talking about?
Well, the question
itself is an accusation.
And I, personally, refuse to
answer an illogical question.
Thanks, Spock.
Spock.
That's a good one. Yeah.
That's a good one.
I mean, it seems that your refusal
to answer means that it's true.
I'll tell you who's the best.
Ming.
Yes! I knew it.
(IN SING-SONG) I'm the
best, I'm the best.
What the fuck?
Ming is the best.
VIOLET: So, you cheated
to get me the job.
So what if I cheated to get the
woman I love to stick around?
I have a question.
Would you have even considered
my donut experiment
if Doug had suggested it?
Of course not.
(SCOFFING)
WOW!
Wow.
Okay.
In a way, Ming, it's like
their whole relationship
was the donut experiment.
Nice.
Thank you.
Fine, fine, fine.
There will be new
students next year.
There's always a new Violet.
Oh, no!
Oh!
VANEETHA: He did not.
Um...
Oh.
This was...
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
VANEETHA: Turn off the light. Turn
off the light, turn off the light.
Violet.
These pancakes are delicious.
Mmm.
They put a cinnamon glaze.
They're dreamy.
You shouldn't
be eating them.
It's good.
It's why we're here.
We're here to eat, right?
So, um,
how about Violet?
How is she doing?
I don't know. You know?
She still with
that professor guy?
I don't know.
CAROL: What are you doing?
What are you doing, Tom?
I'm just... I'm trying
to eat my breakfast, Ma.
I mean with Violet, and you know it.
Three grandparents are gone.
Your grandparents, long gone. You
know who goes next, don't you?
Us. We go next.
Jesus, Dad.
Please don't do this, guys.
He's not kidding.
Not kidding.
He's on three different
heart medications.
That's right. Three of them.
Mmm-hmm.
What are you talking about?
Since when?
Since my last
heart attack.
Dad, you had a heart attack?
(SIGHS)
I had two, actually.
The last one was right
after Mom's cancer scare.
A cancer scare?
What are you...
Why didn't you guys
tell me any of this?
PETE: Well, we didn't
want to bother you.
No. It wasn't your affair.
Well, is there anything else
you guys haven't told me?
Well, what else have we...
There's a lot we haven't told you, darling.
We don't share everything.
Your mother was...
She was briefly hospitalized
for emotional issues.
Well, yes, that's true.
Yeah.
We told you we were in a
timeshare on Sanibel Island.
Wait, you guys have gone
there, like, four times.
Well, at least one of the
times, we weren't really there.
I had vaginal reconstruction
surgery last year.
PETE: That stuff
really works.
And that's why we don't share
everything with our children.
I think I understand why
I have communication issues.
Thank you.
Ma.
Maybe you should slow down
on the Bloody Marys.
I don't think
you need any more.
Oh.
Let her have it.
CAROL: You're going to
tell me what to do? No.
Let her have a drink.
I am going to ask you again.
What are you doing with Violet?
You're being dumb.
You are being so
fucking dumb, you idiot.
You love Violet.
I love Violet,
your father loves Violet
and you're letting her go?
Fuck you, you dummy.
Wow.
(LAUGHING) Since when do
you talk like this?
It's not funny, Tom.
Okay, fine.
What are you doing?
Look, we're not 100%
right for each other.
And so, there's
nothing to be said.
CAROL: I got news
for you, moron,
your father and I, we're not
even 90% right for each other.
Not even 60, okay?
But he's the love of my life.
And right now, the love of
your life is going to fly away
and I bet somewhere in the back
of your mind, you're thinking
that she'll always be there
if you want to try again,
but you know what? She won't,
because she's the goddamned best!
And some lucky guy is going to make
it work with her no matter what.
Instead of settling for some
who probably doesn't know
who the fucking Beatles are.
Had to be said.
Hi, I missed you today.
That's nice.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Listen, I need to
(SMACKS ups)
talk to you about
something, Audrey.
What's behind
those eyes, Tom?
My ex-fiance has
been on my mind a lot
and I feel like that's
something I need to explore.
Well, she's an old bitch!
There.
I just explored it for you.
Done?
(SOFTLY) It's hard to have
this conversation with you.
You need to explore it, Tom?
You were with her for five fucking years.
That's a really long time.
What else is there
to learn about her?
(GROWLS) Oh, God!
I don't really know
the answer to that,
but I just think
I need to find out.
What are you thinking?
You're so stupid.
You're so stupid.
You're going to leave me?
You're going to leave this?
For saggy tits and
a loose vagina? Really?
Oh, God!
I'm sorry to do this to you.
Shut the fuck up.
You know what?
You should just go, Tom.
Just go. Go have fun.
Have fun with your old woman.
Go fucking read
at night together.
You can go through
menopause together.
And you can go get
your little prostates checked.
Check each other
for lumps all the time
and do those kinds
of things together.
And then go get some Crocs,
so your back doesn't hurt.
And then you can
go walk on the beach
and fuck each other with
your gross, wrinkly balls.
That's another thing.
You're getting fucking fat.
It's really hard to
have sex with someone
when you can't breathe
underneath them.
Can't breathe! Like, I feel like
I'm going to die every time.
(SIGHS)
You should leave.
I'm going to say mean things.
(SOFTLY) Bye
(BABY WAILING)
PRIEST: He makes me lie
down in green pastures
and leads me
beside still waters.
He shall refresh my soul and guide
me in the path of righteousness...
You're my good one.
(WAILING LOUDLY)
I am so mad, Alex,
when you say that.
ALEX: At least I'm not
the one failing as a parent.
It's all right.
It's all right.
ALEX: Give him
a couple Vicodin.
Wow. Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Hello, Gideon.
Didn't expect
to see you.
Just came to say
goodbye properly.
To my grandmother or...
Yeah. We actually grew pretty
close towards the end.
Oh, yeah?
So, how are you and Tom?
Any kids yet?
Mmm...
No. Tom and I split up
a little while ago, so...
Oh! I'm sorry.
It has been four
years, of course.
Hmm?
Nothing. I...
No, go on. What?
"Four years, of course" what?
Doesn't make sense.
That's what you do.
Is it? Is it what I do? Well,
let me just tell you something.
Tom and I split up
because it wasn't working.
Not because we weren't perfect
enough for each other.
Not because I had him
on a four-year timeline.
Okay'? So don't...
Um...
This is my daughter.
Sorry.
She's four.
This is what
four looks like.
Hello.
What's your name?
Violet.
Regret calling her
that now.
Keep meaning to changed it,
but it's a lot of paperwork.
And I don't want
to confuse her.
Come on, darling. Let's go
and look at the coffin.
Tom.
Hi.
I'm just realizing now, it
might be totally inappropriate
for me to just
show up like this
but Alex and Suzie
told me what happened.
I'm so sorry about
Grandma Katherine.
She was sort of the only person in
your family who was ever nice to me.
And I just felt
like I should come.
But if that's inappropriate,
or weird at all,
I can totally go
back to the hotel
or take a tour of the Tower
of London, or something.
No, no, it's not.
It's...
It's really nice
to see you.
It's nice to
see you, too.
(LAUGHS)
So, what do we do now?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Fall semester doesn't
start until August 14th.
I know that this
sounds crazy,
but why don't you just come
back to San Francisco with me?
You could see your sister and we could
spend a couple of weeks together.
We don't have to worry
about what it means.
Then we'll go
our separate ways.
Okay.
Just, separately, like, I think it's
time to take down the Wham! posters.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(INDISTINCT)
Yeah?
Whoo!
Thank you.
(LAUGHING)
I'm getting all
pieces that are here.
VIOLET: Here, use these ones.
(TOY CLATTERS)
VIOLET: Oops! Ooh...
We lost a tower.
SUZIE: Oh, no, the tower.
VIOLET: That's it.
So, you know I'm keeping Tom
company this week, right?
Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
Alex keeps him company without
also having sex with him.
I assume.
What does that mean?
Mommy, do Elmo voice.
(MIMICKING ELMO) Elmo thinks you
should do what you feel is right.
(LAUGHING)
Well, I don't really know what I think is right.
I think I'm just...
You know, time will
tell, I think.
(MIMICKING ELMO) Elmo
thinks time will tell.
Would you mind not
doing that Elmo voice?
'Cause really, you're repeating
back what I'm saying.
Honestly, (MIMICKING ELMO) Elmo thinks
you should shit or get off the pot.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Aunt Violet,
do Cookie Monster.
(MIMICKING COOKIE MONSTER) Me think
that's a really rude thing to say, Elmo.
(LAUGHING)
Elmo say it been five years,
almost five years.
You either love him,
or you don't.
Me love him, but it's
very complicated.
Cookie doesn't get
everything handed to him
on a (WHISPERS) fucking
silver platter like Elmo.
Cookie got the
career he wanted.
Tom moved to Michigan
so Cookie could work.
Okay. Elmo wanted
to be a kinesiologist
and instead, Elmo is cleaning
puke off her shirt every day.
Well, maybe as nice
as these little Elmos are,
Elmo should have considered
using protection.
"C" is for condom. That's
good enough for me.
Elmo is very happy with
Elmo's little Elmos, okay?
Elmo would just like
a break once in a while.
Fine.
Elmo never gets a break.
This is fine. But this is precisely
why Cookie wants to take the time
to consider if he's picked
the right cookie for his life.
Well, maybe Elmo thinks
there is no right cookie.
You just pick one
and take a bite.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Sorry.
(MIMICKING ELMO)
Elmo is sorry, too.
(SIGHS)
Whose was better?
Mommy's better.
(MIMICKING ELMO) The worst choice
you can make is no choice at all.
Okay? Snack time!
Time for a snack.
Huh? It's time
for a snack.
(EXCLAIMING PLAYFULLY)
My favorite! Just kidding.
I love you both.
Come get a snack.
What time is your flight?
Um... 1235.
This is stupid.
What are we doing?
What do you mean?
I drive a taco truck.
Okay? I can work anywhere,
and it's just ridiculous.
It's stupid for us
not to give this another shot.
Because I love you so much.
And I'm not going
to let you go.
Do you remember
the day that we first met?
The New Year's Eve party.
Yeah, how can I forget?
Do you remember how a year
later, we made that list
of what our marriage
would be like?
We were going to have 50 kids.
If I recall,
we settled on 25.
We did settle on 25.
That was so dumb.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, I'm going to need you
to pull off on this exit.
Why?
Just pull over on
this exit over here.
No, we can just...
Tom, you're going to miss it!
Quick. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What are you doing?
Sorry. I'm sorry.
It was just imperative that we
stopped at the exit. Well, why?
Because I'm trying
to propose to you.
I don't think that
we can figure out
all of our problems
before we get married.
And I'm pretty sure
we'll have some after.
But I promise you that
I will just love you
every step of the way.
So, yes or no?
I was going to re-propose to you
when we got to the airport.
(LAUGHING) You were? Tom.
Oh, Tom.
(WHISPERS) I love it.
It's a ruby.
(LAUGHING)
What do you say?
What do you say?
I asked you first.
You've made me, like, the
happiest girl in the world.
Okay, I'm going to need you to
go off to Alamo Square now.
What are you talk...
I'm going to need you to go
to Alamo Square please, babe.
What are you talking about?
Babe, please, just do it.
Don't think about it.
Just drive.
Do you have, like,
a thing planned?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, what are you doing? Did you
come to pick up the receipts?
Did you buy it?
Yes, he bought it.
I can't believe this.
I told you he would.
What is going on?
Here. Come on!
This way, babe.
We're on site.
"On site"?
(TOM LAUGHING)
Okay, we have some
fast decisions to make.
Do you want a string quartet,
or a New Orleans brass band?
What about synthesizer dude?
VIOLET: Oh, I have no idea who that is.
He must have just shown up.
Oh. New Orleans brass band.
New Orleans brass band.
All right!
(BAND PLAYING DIXIELAND MUSIC)
(GIGGLES)
Okay, do you want
Jewish, Christian,
extreme Christian,
Buddhist,
Justice of the Peace?
Justice of the Peace.
Justice of the Peace.
TOM: Oh, my God!
Okay, tuxes,
I've got three tuxes.
Standard, vintage,
Hawaiian casual?
Uh... Vintage.
Vintage.
Dad!
No time. No time.
All right now.
Get them off.
Dad, protect me.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Whoo! Mum! Suzie.
Mum, I think I
need to step into it.
Come on, Sylvia.
All right, all right, I'm going to drop
the sheet in three, two, one. Drop it.
No, no. Not me.
Just wait until the wedding.
Right.
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, of course.
Okay. Oh, Mum, my hair.
Hair on the move.
Hair on the move.
(BAND PLAYING
WEDDING MUSIC)
VIOLET: Spin around, Dad.
Here's the ring.
Is it done, Mum?
Yes, it's beautiful.
SUZIE: Ready?
Yeah.
Ready? One, two, three.
One, two, three.
There we go.
Wow.
(GIGGLES)
TOM: Beautiful.
Okay. Okay.
I love you, darling.
I love you, Mum.
Love you. Love you.
Bye, Dad.
Thank you.
You should get down there.
You must be out
of your mind.
I'm never letting go
of this hand again.
(LAUGHING)
Come on.
(INAUDIBLE)
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: It has been
a longer trip for Tom and Violet
than it has
for most couples.
And yet the very
nature of...
You know what? You can just...
Just, you can skip it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, it's two minutes
to midnight.
Got anyone to kiss at New Year's?
(LAUGHS)
Is that the best
you've got?
Kind of.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Do you?
Yes.
Do you?
Yes.
You may kiss the bride.
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, yay!
Yay!
I'm proud of you!
(LAUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(SNIFFS)
Mom!
Whoo!
You finally did it,
you fucking assholes!
I love you.
We love you guys, too.
In fact, it makes us
feel like singing!
(SINGING ROMANTIC
SPANISH SONG)