- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- [MAN] WHICH WAY IS IT?
THE NUMBERS,
ARE THEY GOING UP OR DOWN?
- [WOMAN] THIS WAY.
- [MAN] CRAZY. IT'S LIKE A MA...
THIS IS NOT THE WAY.
IT'S 142.
- WHAT?
- YOUR SHIRT IS SOAKING WET. WHAT DID YOU DO?
YES, WELL, IT'S SPRING
AND IT'S 90 DEGREES. WHAT'S...
THE MECHANIC COULDN'T FIX
YOUR A/C, COULD HE?
NO, NO.
I THINK WE SKIPPED, UH...
YOU KNOW, YOUR CAR
IS GONNA DIE ANYWAY.
YOU SHOULD GET A MINIVAN BECAUSE
THEY'RE SO MUCH MORE SPACIOUS.
NO, MY CAR IS FINE.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE
IF WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE
AN HOUR IN THE HEAT.
[CLEARS THROAT]
OH, COME ON. 142.
- [RING RAPPING ON CHAIR]
- [MUFFLED CHATTERING]
[MUFFLED] WHAT'S THE GOOD MOVE?
WHAT YOU REALLY NEED...
UGH.
YOU EVER LOOKED AT WHAT...
YOU EVER LOOKED A THE WORD "THERAPIST"?
"THE RAPIST."
THEY'RE LITERALLY TELLING YOU
WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO TO YOU.
WE'RE WALKING RIGHT...
WE'RE DUPES.
YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
HEY, REMEMBER BEFORE THE KIDS?
- I DO.
- YEAH... [LAUGHS]
WHEN WE USED TO MAKE FUN
OF COUPLES THERAPY.
[SIGHS]
"OH, I CAN'T GO OUT TONIGHT.
I HAVE A DATE NIGHT."
OH, YES. NO, NO. WE WOULD KILL
EACH OTHER, BUT FOR THE CHILDREN.
[IMITATING FREUD]
FOR THE CHILDREN, YES.
[LAUGHING]
SHH.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
OKAY, WE'RE NO LIKE THEM, RIGHT?
NO. HELL, NO.
WE'RE COOL.
YEAH.
WE DON'T NEED THERAPY.
- NO.
- NO.
WE JUST NEED
A LITTLE TUNE-UP.
- YEAH.
- LIKE MY CAR.
OKAY, YOU NEED A NEW CAR.
SO, WHAT BRINGS THE TWO OF YOU
HERE TODAY?
- WE DON'T HAVE SEX.
- WE DON'T COMMUNICATE.
YOU'RE MARRIED.
- YOU HAVE CHILDREN.
- MM-HMM.
YOU HAVE JOBS.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
THAT YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW.
YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL.
100%.
IN FACT,
MOST COUPLES YOUR AGE
WILL GO THROUGH A VERY,
VERY ROUGH PERIOD.
OKAY. THAT'S...
THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
SO, MARIA, WHY DON'T I
START WITH YOU, OKAY?
UH, WELL,
WHERE TO START? UM...
WE USED TO STAY UP LATE
AND JUST TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING...
ANNOUNCER: YOU'RE LISTENING
TO "SPORTS AND TALK,"
A WEEKLY PODCAST ABOUT SPORTS...
AND A LITTLE TALK.
YEAH, SO, WE, UH, WE WEN TO SEE A THERAPIST.
GOD DAMN IT! NOT YOU, TOO!
GOD, I AM SO SORRY, ALLAN.
I THOUGH WE WERE DIFFERENT.
WE HAD A CONVERSATION
BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.
NOT GONNA TURN INTO
OUR PARENTS.
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- KIDS HAPPENED.
THIS RIGHT HERE,
IS A TEACHABLE MOMENT.
NOW, WE'VE DISCUSSED THE DANCE WE
MEN PARTAKE IN MARRIAGE, RIGHT?
SOMETIMES YOU LEAD,
SOMETIMES YOU FOLLOW...
- MOSTLY FOLLOW.
- SOMETIMES YOU SHUT UP AND PLAY THE FAMILY PET.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES YOU
GET TO STEP UP AND BE A MAN.
WELL, THAT'S JUST A BAD IDEA,
GENERALLY SPEAKING.
WHAT GOOD CAN COME
FROM THERAPY, HUH?
WOMEN DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE SICK
SHIT SWIMMING AROUND IN OUR HEADS.
YOU JUST GOTTA DO YOUR TIME
AND DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
AND IF YOU HAVE TO,
THEN JUST LIE ABOUT IT.
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, ALLAN,
DO NOT MENTION THE SEX.
I'M TELLING YOU,
THAT'S 12 SESSIONS RIGHT THERE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT THIS RAPIST CHARGES?
CAN WE JUST TALK
ABOUT SPORTS AGAIN?
MY SHRINK IS FACEBOOK
FRIENDS WITH MY WIFE NOW,
SO MY LIFE IS, LIKE,
BASICALLY OVER.
TAG TEAM.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DO!
[THERAPIST]
ALLAN?
ALLAN!
- WHAT? HI.
- HI. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YES. THAT'S CORRECT.
NO, ABOUT WHAT MARIA
WAS SAYING.
WHAT WERE WE
JUST TALKING ABOUT?
COMMUNICATION, BABE.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU TWO
THINK OF THE IDEA
OF, UM, JUST REALLY WORKING
ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
NO KIDS.
JUST YOU AND MARIA.
MAYBE TRY A NEW RESTAURANT.
- OKAY.
- YOU MEAN, LIKE, DATE NIGHT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, JUST, YEAH,
JUST YOU TWO.
JUST, UM, TALKING TRUTHFULLY,
NON-SEXUALLY.
UH, SO, STILL NO SEX.
IT'S NOT ALL ABOU THE GODDAMN SEX, ALLAN.
WELL, I THOUGHT THAT'S WHY...
ISN'T THAT WHY WE'RE HERE?
I MEAN, ONE OF THE REASONS
WHY WE'RE HERE?
I THINK WHAT YOU'RE HERE
FOR IS A JOURNEY
THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE
GOING THROUGH.
IT'S VERY IMPERATIVE THAT YOU
OPEN THE COMMUNICATION CHANNELS.
EXACTLY. COMMUNICATION.
SO I'M GOING TO RECOMMEND
12 SESSIONS TO START WITH.
- OKAY.
- SAME TIME NEXT WEEK?
- YEAH.
- YES. WHAT WAS YOUR RATE AGAIN?
YOU MENTIONED THE SEX,
DIDN'T YOU?
I TOLD YOU NO TO MENTION THE SEX!
YOU BROUGH THIS SHIT ON YOURSELF.
IT'S $300. 12 SESSIONS.
HOW MUCH IS THAT?
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
DON'T LIKE TO HIM! HE'S NOT GONNA BE FINE.
HE'S SCREWED!
- WE ALL ARE.
- NO, I'LL BE FINE.
I'LL BE FINE. AS LONG AS SHE
DOESN'T MENTION THE MINIVAN AGAIN.
LISTEN UP. ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER THA WOMAN WHO YOU THOUGHT GOT YOU,
WHO YOU DESIRED, WHO DID
ALL THAT WONDERFUL SHI THAT MADE YOU SQUEAL IN BED,
REMEMBER HER?
OH, MY GOD,
HERE WE GO WITH THIS.
THAT WOMAN VANISHED
THE SECOND KIDS
ENTERED THE PICTURE. POOF!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SHE'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, IF ANYTHING,
FOR THE KIDS.
I MEAN, YOU AND I,
WE'RE GROWN-UPS,
- BUT THEY, LIKE...
- [PHIL] KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS.
THAT'S ALL THEY CARE ABOUT,
IS KIDS.
AND WE'RE LEFT TO DO WHAT?
OPEN JARS,
WARM BEDS,
MEANINGLESS SHIT LIKE THAT.
THEY DON'T NEED US!
AND THEY KNOW IT!
- NOBODY CARES ABOUT US.
- AH!
[PHIL]
THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT US!
[JASON]
LOOK, YOU'RE JUST BLOWING THIS
OUT OF PROPORTION RIGHT NOW.
HE'S GOING THROUGH
A DRY SPELL...
ON TOP OF A ROUGH PATCH.
FOLLOWED BY THE DRY SPO AFTER THAT,
AND THE ONE AFTER THAT,
OH, AND LET'S NOT FORGET ABOU THE ONE AFTER THAT.
- THERE'S MORE?
- OH, THERE'S A LOT MORE.
NATHAN KICKED TWO
OF HIS FRIENDS TODAY.
[JASON] THERE'S MORE THAN
A FEW DRY SPOTS, YES.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE.
AND THE KIDS, MAN, THE KIDS.
DO THEY EVEN LIKE YOU?
I'M TELLING YOU,
THEY'RE LIKE DOGS, MAN.
THEY CAN SNIFF THIS SHIT OUT.
THEY CAN LITERALLY SENSE
THE SELF-RESPEC LEAVING YOUR BODY.
[JASON]
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
DON'T LISTEN TO THA BECAUSE KIDS
DON'T RESPECT ANYBODY, OKAY?
HE IS RIGHT ABOU THE DOGS, THOUGH,
THAT'S SUPER CREEPY.
[KIDS CLAMORING]
- ALL RIGHT.
- [ENGINE STALLING]
WE HAVE TO GET THIS FIXED.
WE HAVE TO CALL HIM AGAIN.
THIS IS GETTING OU OF CONTROL.
[KIDS YELLING]
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S IT. GET IT OUT.
OH, SHUT UP!
- WAIT, SAY WHAT?
- WHAT'D YOU SAY?
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- NOTHING, NOTHING.
WE'RE ALL GOOD. WE'RE GOOD.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW DIFFICULT IT IS
TO FIND A WOMAN LIKE MARIA?
AND I LOVE HER.
AND THE LITTLE FUCKERS.
YEAH, YEAH,
THEY TEST ME, OKAY?
BUT I LOVE 'EM.
AND I'M GONNA
HAVE SEX WITH MARIA AGAIN,
EVEN IF IT COSTS ME $300
TIMES 12 SESSIONS, SO BE IT.
YES. SPOKEN LIKE A REAL MAN.
THANK YOU.
I GUESS IT COULD BE WORSE.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S ASKING
YOU FOR A VASECTOMY, RIGHT?
[LAUGHS]
UGH.
- [CAR HONKS]
- OOH. ALL RIGHT, SORRY, HONEY.
- JUST ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND.
- [PHIL] AND THIS HAS BEEN
"SPORTS AND TALK"
FOR THIS WEEK.
NEXT WEEK, SPORTS, I HOPE.
I CAN DO THIS.
IT'S JUST LIFE.
WELL, THEY'RE DOWN.
UGH. FINALLY, RIGHT?
NATHAN IS, LIKE,
SUPER STRONG.
LIKE SUPERHERO SUPER STRONG.
HE WILL GROW OUT OF IT.
TYLER WAS THE SAME WAY.
TYLER WAS NEVER THAT STRONG.
I MEAN, I KNOW GROWN MEN
WHO ARE NOT THAT STRONG.
- AH. THIS WILL HELP.
- MM-HMM.
[LAUGHS]
MM-HMM.
YEAH, THAT'S BETTER.
WE CAN DO THIS, RIGHT?
THE THERAPY?
I DON'T KNOW.
CAN YOU KEEP
YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT SEX
FOR, LIKE, TWO SECONDS?
YES, I THINK I CAN.
I MEAN, WE HAVE THREE KIDS.
WHAT'S A LITTLE THERAPY?
PIECE OF CAKE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- YEAH.
WE'RE PROFESSIONALS
AT THIS LIFE THING.
- DON'T YOU THINK?
- MM-HMM.
ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY,
I THINK 12 SESSIONS IS...
NOT JUST A LITTLE THERAPY.
IT DOES SEEM A BIT EXCESSIVE.
I MEAN, DO WE REALLY NEED A THERAPIS TO TELL US TO GO ON A DATE NIGHT?
NO! GOD, I MEAN, WHY HAVEN' WE BEEN DOING THIS MORE ANYWAY?
I'M NOT SURE.
- MM.
- HUH.
I'M SURE AFTER TWO,
THREE SESSIONS,
- SHE'LL GIVE US THE ALL CLEAR.
- YEAH, THREE'S PERFECT.
ONE FOR EACH KID.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
WITH 12 ANYWAY?
MAYBE SHE'S SAVING UP FOR THAT RESTING
BITCH FACE REMOVAL OPERATION.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I MEAN,
WE COULD TAKE THAT MONEY,
WE COULD USE IT TO FIX YOUR CAR,
YOU KNOW? OR...
- PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON A...
- OH, YEAH.
THAT'S... I WOULD LOVE TO
FIX THE CAR, YOU KNOW?
JUST... GET IT...
WORKING ORDER AGAIN.
IT'D BE AWESOME.
I'M SO GLAD
WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.
- WE'LL GONNA BE OKAY, BABE.
- YEAH.
- YES.
- 100%.
[DR. LISA] YOU TWO HAVE
DONE SUCH AMAZING PROGRESS.
YOU SHOULD BE
SO PROUD OF YOURSELVES.
YEAH, I FEEL LIKE
IN THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS,
WE ACTUALLY HAVE COMMUNICATED
ABOUT THINGS NOT KID-RELATED.
YES, WE HAVE.
[CHUCKLES]
- WE WENT TO OUR FIRST TWO R-RATED MOVIES,
- YEAH.
- IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG.
- [CHUCKLES]
IN A THEATER. AT NIGHT.
WOW, THAT'S GREAT.
SO HOW DO YOU FEEL?
[MARIA] I MEAN,
IT FEELS GOOD, YOU KNOW?
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE ACTUALLY
- ON OUR WAY, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
NO, IT FEELS, YOU KNOW, GREAT.
YOU KNOW, EXCEPT FOR THE, UH...
- ALLAN.
- SEX.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
A COUPLE MORE SESSIONS
AND YOU WILL BE FINE.
OH, YEAH, NO, I THINK...
YEAH, WE'LL BE FINE.
IT'LL BE FINE.
WE'VE ACHIEVED
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.
- MM.
- AND, UH, COMMUNICATION.
- AND I FEEL GREAT.
- YEAH.
AND AFTER ONLY
THREE SESSIONS, HUH?
[ALLAN] YEAH, WELL, WE COULDN' HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.
- YOU'RE AN AMAZING RAPIST.
- THERAPIST.
YOU'RE A GREAT,
GREAT THERAPIST.
AND YOU'VE GIVEN US,
YOU KNOW, VALUABLE TOOLS.
AND THOSE HANDOUTS YOU GAVE US
WERE JUST... THEY WERE...
- VERY INFORMATIVE.
- ...REALLY GREAT.
- COLORFUL.
- PRETTY.
AND YET YOU ARE SURE THA YOU DO NOT WANT TO CONTINUE
WITH THE 12 SESSIONS.
STILL A LOT MORE
THAT WE NEED TO WORK ON.
UM, YOU KNOW,
I'VE GOT SOME MORE HANDOUTS
AND SOME CLASSES
I'D REALLY RECOMMEND.
I ALSO WROTE A BOOK,
ALMOST PUBLISHED.
- OH.
- SO THERE'S A LOT MORE TO COME.
- YEAH.
- NOT AT $300 AN HOUR.
- EXCUSE ME?
- WHAT?
- [ALLAN AND MARIA LAUGHING]
- [MARIA] OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
HEY, LISTEN,
IF WE'RE GONNA SPEND 300 BUCKS
IT'S GONNA BE ON YOU AND ME,
BOTTLE OF BABY OIL,
A LITTLE CANDLELIGHT,
- SOME...
- OKAY.
YOU HAD ME AT BABY OIL.
COME ON.
[ALLAN]
I TOLD YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS.
I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA DO IT,
AND I DID IT.
I'M GETTING LAID, OKAY?
AFTER THREE SESSIONS.
SHIT. STILL COST YOU
NEARLY A GRAND.
NOTHING'S BRINGING ME DOWN
TONIGHT, PHIL, OKAY?
NOT EVEN YOU.
I STILL REMEMBER MY FIRS POST-THERAPY SCREW.
IT WAS SO GOOD.
I JUST...
IT'S BEEN SO LONG FOR ME.
I HOPE I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN
ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?
OH, YOU KNOW
YOU JUST JINXED IT, RIGHT?
WHAT? NO, NO, I DIDN'T.
I DIDN'T JINX ANYTHING.
IT'S NOT, UH...
IT'S NOT JINXABLE.
IT'S AN IMPOSSIBILITY.
EH, ACTUALLY,
THAT MIGHT'VE JUST JINXED IT.
JINXED.
LISTENERS,
WE ARE GONNA BE BACK
NEXT WEEK WITH SPORTS.
GUARANTEED.
- [RUSTLING]
- [ALLAN] OH, YEAH.
SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
OH.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
OVER MY HEAD.
THE OTHER WAY.
OKAY, WAIT, JUST...
WAIT, JUST, DIDN'T GET..
I'M WIGGLING.
[LAUGHS]
THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.
[BOTH MOANING]
ACTUALLY,
- I FORGOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
- NO, NO, NO.
- NO, NO, WAIT. NO.
- NO, NO, PLEASE.
- CAN IT WAIT?
- WAIT.
- CAN'T IT WAIT LIKE A MINUTE?
- I'M... I'M JUST...
I'M NOT ON THE PILL.
YOU'RE WHAT?
- WHAT? WHAT, WHAT?
- THE PILL.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- WELL...
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW I'VE BEEN
KIND OF MOODY LATELY?
WELL, THE DOCTOR SAID
IT MIGHT BE THE HORMONES,
SO HE SAID THAT I SHOULD STOP
TAKING IT. AND, ACTUALLY,
- HE SUGGESTED THAT...
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
DON'T WE HAVE CONDOMS
FROM WHEN I WAS PUMPING?
- YES.
- YEAH?
- YES, WE DO.
- OKAY, GO GET THEM.
- WE DO.
- [PANTING]
- WAIT, SHH, SHH.
- [CLATTERING]
SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
[MUTTERING]
- GOT IT!
- [GASPS] OH, GOOD.
SHH!
- OH, MY GOD.
- YOU GOT IT? GOOD JOB.
[MOANING]
OKAY.
IS THAT THING TOO OLD?
[ALLAN]
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S FINE.
IT'S FINE. THESE THINGS...
THESE THINGS LAS THROUGH A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.
EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.
[MOANING]
OH, OKAY.
- OKAY.
- [CHUCKLES]
- OH, JEEZ.
- ARE YOU OKAY?
- NO, NO, NO, I GOT IT.
- YOU GOT IT?
- OH, JEEZ.
- YOU NEED HELP?
[BOTH LAUGH]
- DO YOU NEED...
- I CAN'T GET IT.
HERE GIVE IT TO ME.
- YEAH.
- HOW THIS IT EVEN...
- THIS DOESN'T EVEN...
- THE OTHER WAY
IT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING,
IT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING.
IT'S BACKWARDS, BABE.
- HELP ME. HELP ME.
- OKAY, WAIT, STAY STILL.
- OKAY. I GOT IT!
- OH.
OKAY, I GOT IT. OKAY.
- I LOVE YOU,
- I LOVE YOU, TOO.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
[MOANING]
OKAY, WAIT. OKAY,
HOLD ON A SECOND,
THAT'S LIKE A LITTLE CROOKED.
- OKAY.
- GOT IT?
- NO, IT'S GOOD. OKAY.
- OKAY.
OKAY, OKAY. OH.
- WAIT, SHIT, SHIT.
- NO, NO.
- I THINK IT BROKE.
- NO, NO, NO, PLEASE.
- NO.
- IT'S...
- I'LL PULL OUT, I PROMISE.
- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PULL OUT, BABE.
JUST, PLEASE, WE'RE SO CLOSE.
THAT'S HOW NATHAN AND LUCY
GOT HERE.
WHAT, DO YOU WANT NUMBER FOUR?
- NO, IT'S FINE.
- [SIGHS]
IT'S OKAY, BABE.
NO, IT'S OKAY,
WE CAN JUST LAY HERE.
JUST LAY HERE
AND SPOON A LITTLE BIT.
IT'S FINE.
- IT'S OKAY.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
- WHAT?
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
- NO.
- I KNOW I HAVE ANOTHER ONE.
- [LAUGHS]
- I BOUGHT THEM A WHILE AGO.
- ALLAN, YOU'RE BEING CRAZY.
- I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE,
I KNOW I'VE SEEN IT,
I'VE SEEN IT.
I CAN SEE IT IN MY MIND,
IT'S A...
IT'S A PURPLE... IS IT PURPLE?
IT'S A BLUE, IT'S A BLUE,
IT'S BLUE,
IT'S IN THE SIDE TABLE,
IT'S IN THE SIDE TABLE.
IT'S JUST, JUST ONE MINUTE.
WE CAN TRY AGAIN TOMORROW.
NO, NO, NO, NOT TOMORROW,
NO, TONIGHT.
AREN'T YOU TIRED?
NO.
[MUTTERING]
OH, MY GOD.
[MUTTERING]
OH, THE DRESSER, THE DRESSER.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, THE DOCTOR,
HE MENTIONED THAT MAYBE
WE SHOULD THINK ABOU MORE PERMANEN WAYS OF BIRTH CONTROL.
WHAT? NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO... YOU'RE NOT GETTING
YOUR TUBES TIED, OKAY?
AND NO MORE O.R.S FOR US.
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
HE ACTUALLY SUGGESTED
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
HAVE YOU EVER, UH...
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOU GETTING A VASECTOMY?
FROM WHAT I HEAR,
THEY'RE KIND OF QUICK
AND RELATIVELY PAINLESS,
YOU KNOW?
THERE'S NO PILLS, NO HORMONES,
YOU KNOW?
NO CONDOMS.
[MARIA SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
WHAT DID YOU...
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
- NO.
JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT,
YOU KNOW?
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
[SIGHS]
[SNORING]
WAIT, WHAT?
ONE MINUTE, I'M ABOUT TO
FINALLY HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE,
AND THE NEXT,
SHE'S SUGGESTING I GET A...
I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT OUT LOUD,
I...
JINXED.
I TOLD YOU.
SHE PROBABLY SENSED
YOUR HAPPINESS
AND INSTINCTIVELY
SHUT YOUR ASS DOWN.
JUST LIKE A WOMAN.
AT LEAST YOU GOT CLOSE, MAN.
I'M HAPPY TO GET ANY KIND OF SEX
THAT EVE WILL...
REWARD YOU WITH?
TALK TO ME, MINIVAN MAN,
HOW OFTEN IS EVE
REWARDING YOU WITH SEX?
LIKE, A LOT... LIKE, OFTEN.
HANDIES DON'T COUNT.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG
WITH MASTURBATION.
WHAT HAPPENS? WHAT HAPPEN...
I MEAN, WE-WE HAD KIDS
BECAUSE WE LOVED EACH OTHER,
WE COULDN'T KEEP OUR HANDS
OFF EACH OTHER.
NOW SHE'D RATHER GO TO SLEEP
THAN HAVE SEX.
WELL, THEY'D ALL RATHER
GO TO SLEEP THAN HAVE SEX,
OR DO THEIR TAXES, OR EAT,
- OR PLAY CANDY CRUSH.
- THAT'S JUST COMMON-ASS SENSE.
- BUT A VASECTOMY?
- LOOK, IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF SWEE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE WANTS
TO KEEP YOU AROUND, JUST NOT YOUR SPERM.
[PHIL] SWEET. YOU REALLY
WANT HIM TO GO OFF
AND GET HIS NUTS CUT OFF
VOLUNTARILY?
THE FUCK KIND OF
FRIEND ARE YOU, J?
THAT'S NOT WHAT WE DO.
WE DRAW THE LINE
AT THE FUCKING BALLS.
YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T ACTUALLY
CUT YOUR BALLS OFF.
- THEY MIGHT AS WELL.
- YOU'RE PICTURING, LIKE, A TOM AND JERRY CARTOON
- WHERE HE'S TIED TO THE LOG...
- I'M PICTURING HELL, MAN.
WHAT'S FOR LUNCH, DADDY?
UH, PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY,
- AND SOME, UH...
- AND CHEESY ROUNDS?
- CHEESY ROUNDS, FINE.
- I WANT CHIPS.
NO, NO GUNS, OKAY? NO MORE GUNS.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE APPLES.
- NO APPLES.
- NO, NO.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
A HEALTHY LUNCH, OKAY?
OKAY, KIDS, COME ON,
WE ARE LATE.
LET'S GO. OH, HEY, THANKS, BABE.
GREAT. LAST NIGHT WAS KIND OF
FUN, RIGHT? HMM?
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
DON'T FORGET YOUR BACKPACKS.
CAN WE PLEASE CLOSE THAT?
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
GRAB YOUR BACKPACK. THANK YOU.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE
IN DADDY'S CAR.
- ME NEITHER, IT SMELLS OLD.
- OKAY, WELL, YOU GUYS CAN COME WITH ME,
- BUT AS LONG AS WE HURRY, OKAY?
- YAY!
WE GOT TO GO, WE GOT TO GO NOW.
- LET'S GO.
- NOTHING WRONG WITH DADDY'S CAR, OKAY?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
[LUCY]
BYE, DADDY.
WE'RE LATE.
[GROANS]
OKAY. [COUGHS]
WHERE ARE MY KEYS?
[MARIA]
GOOD ONE, GUYS.
EVERYBODY IN.
LET YOUR BROTHER IN FIRST.
[ALLAN] OKAY. TYLER YOU'RE
COMING WITH ME, RIGHT?
[MARIA]
BYE, TYLER, I LOVE YOU. BUH-BYE.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY.
BUCKLE UP, RIGHT? OKAY, GOOD.
[ENGINE STALLING]
[MARIA]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
BABE, WHY DON'T YOU
GO FOR A TEST DRIVE TODAY
WHILE IT'S IN THE SHOP,
JUST FOR FUN?
- [LUCY] DADDY, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
- NO, IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
- YOU BROKE IT ALREADY.
- IT'S GONNA BE FINE, IT'S JUST...
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- OH! HERE WE GO.
OH, LOOK, LOOK HE'S GOT IT.
THERE HE GOES. WAY TO GO, DADDY.
- NICE.
- ALL RIGHT, SAY GOODBYE TO DADDY.
- THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME.
- BYE, TYLER.
[KIDS CLAMORING]
FUCK.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK AT THAT.
GOT YOU HERE SAFE AND SOUND.
NOT EVEN THAT LATE.
[SIGHS]
NO, I'M NOT GETTING A MINIVAN.
THERE'S NO WAY
I'M GETTING A VASECT... OH.
UGH.
I WENT TO THE STUPID THERAPIST,
THAT WAS ENOUGH.
- WHAT DO I GET OUT OF THAT?
- DON'T GIVE UP, DAD.
[STAMMERS] WHAT, LITTLE DUDE?
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
LOOK, I DON'T CARE ABOU THE STUPID CAR, OKAY?
JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF.
YOU HAVEN'T SHAVEN IN DAYS,
YOU DON'T SLEEP,
YOU TALK TO YOURSELF.
I DON'T REALLY TALK TO MYSELF,
DO I, LITTLE DUDE?
STOP CALLING ME "LITTLE DUDE."
MY NAME IS TYLER.
DAD, SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED
TO YOU, TO YOUR DRIVE,
TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM,
IT'S NOT GOOD.
YOU'RE NOT THE MAN I REMEMBER
WHEN I WAS YOUNG.
NATHAN AND LUCY HAVE THIS
STRANGE IMPRESSION OF YOU,
LIKE REALLY WEIRD.
SO JUST...
DON'T GIVE UP.
OKAY.
HEY... BYE... HAVE A GOOD DAY.
OH...
JESUS.
FUCK...
ME.
JESUS. FUCK ME.
SO I'M GOING TO MAKE HUGE FAVOR
FOR YOU AND MARIA
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN
COMING HERE FOR YEARS.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I'LL GET YOU $500 FOR THE PARTS.
[SIGHS]
OKAY.
THAT'S 500 BUCKS
AND THEN THAT'S IT,
THEN IT'S FIXED, OKAY.
NO, NO, NO,
I TAKE APART THE CAR,
I SELL THE PARTS,
I GIVE YOU $500,
YOU GO HOME.
WHAT? NO, NO. NO, NO, NO,
I DON'T WANT THAT.
I WANT TO,
I WANT TO FIX THE CAR.
- I WANT TO FIX IT.
- MAN, I'M ALWAYS HONEST WITH YOU, RIGHT?
THIS CAR IS PIECE OF SHIT.
- ISN'T IT TIME YOU THINK ABOUT MINIVAN?
- WHAT?
DID MARIA CALL YOU?
OH, THAT'S... THAT'S-THAT'S...
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID THAT.
IT'S NOT SO BAD.
MY WIFE DRIVE MINIVAN.
LOTS OF SPACE.
YEAH, DO YOU DRIVE IT?
YOU TOOL AROUND TOWN IN IT?
[MAN LAUGHS]
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S THE-THE LAUGH?
ALLAN, MY FRIEND,
MINIVAN IS GOOD,
ESPECIALLY FOR A GUY LIKE YOU.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
"A GUY LIKE ME"?
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
THIS CAR IS DYING.
YOU'RE GOING TO END UP
WITH MINIVAN EVENTUALLY.
WHY FIGHT IT?
PLEASE, JUST-JUST-JUST...
I WANT YOU TO,
I WANT YOU TO FIX THIS, OKAY?
- PLEASE.
- IF I FIX THIS,
- NO PROMISES.
- [SIGHS]
BILLY, WE FIX THIS SHIT.
[PHIL] SHE'S FRIENDS
WITH YOUR MECHANIC NOW?
[ALLAN]
MM.
SHE'S CROSSED THE LINE, MAN.
WHAT LINE?
WITH THEM, THERE ARE NO LINES.
WITH US,
THERE'S NOTHING BUT LINES.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
[PHIL]
IT'S A TRICKY ONE.
SHE'S ATTACKING YOU
ON THREE FRONTS:
MINIVAN, VASECTOMY AND SEX.
SHE'S SMART, MAN,
SHE'S VERY SMART.
OH, SHE'S A GENIUS, SHE'S...
YEAH. AND YOU WILL NOT WIN
ON ALL THREE FRONTS.
ACTUALLY,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN ON TWO.
- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE.
- I'D KEEP MY CAR.
NO, WAIT, MY BALLS.
SHIT. WHAT'S UP
WITH THE SEX AGAIN?
OH, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON,
THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO
BE LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW SHE'S ALREADY
RECRUITED EVE?
YOU KNOW THIS, UH,
LUNCH WE'RE HAVING ON SATURDAY?
- OH, THE LUNCH?
- YOU NEED A PLAN.
YOU NEED TO FOCUS
ON THE MINIVAN,
AND PUT THIS VASECTOMY SHI ON THE TABLE FOR A MINUTE...
NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
ALLAN, LISTENERS,
YOU REPEAT AFTER ME:
I AM A MAN, UNLIKE JASON,
AND I WILL NOT GET A MINIVAN!
- I DON'T WANT TO.
- I WILL STAY STRONG
AND I WILL RESIST.
COME ON, MAN, SAY THIS SHIT.
YOU GOT TO PUT IT OUT THERE.
[CHATTERING]
STAY THE COURSE, GENTLEMEN,
WE ALMOST GOT THROUGH THIS.
[EXHALES] WE MIGHT GE OUT OF THIS YET, BOYS.
SMILE, SMILE THROUGH IT.
WORSE COME TO WORSE,
KEEP 'EM PLIED.
THERE'S MORE SANGRIA
IN THE KITCHEN, RIGHT?
THERE'S SO MUCH SANGRIA.
- NO, NO, KEEP IT HAPPY, YOU KNOW?
- MM-HMM.
YOU GOT THIS.
[CHATTERING]
UM, HEY, ALLAN,
I HEAR YOU GUYS ARE HUNTING
FOR A NEW CAR.
UH... NO, IT'S-IT'S...
MY CAR IS JUST IN THE SHOP,
AND JUST GETTING FIXED.
IT RUNS GREAT, ACTUALLY.
- OH, I THOUGHT, UH...
- NO, UH, IT'S MORE OF LIKE A BAND-AID,
THOUGH, RIGHT, BABE? IT'S NO REALLY, LIKE, FIXED YET.
- WELL, IT'S GETTING FIXED.
- YOU SHOULD GET A MINIVAN.
THERE'S SO MUCH SPACE.
JASON LOVES OURS,
DON'T YOU, JASON?
UH, YEAH, IT'S...
TOTALLY, IT'S GOOD.
AND WE LOOKED INTO
GETTING ONE, TOO, RIGHT, PHIL?
[EVE] ALLAN, YOU SHOULD
TAKE A TEST DRIVE.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I WOULD
LOVE TO COME WITH YOU, BABE.
YEAH, WE SHOULD. I DON' HAVE THE TIME NOW, BUT...
YOU GOT A LITTLE TIME.
- STAY STRONG, BROTHER.
- OH, PHIL, REALLY.
- WHAT?
- IT'S A CAR, PHIL.
WHAT IS IT WITH YOU
AND THIS CHILDISH FEAR
OF LOSING YOUR MANHOOD?
CHILDISH? WHY?
BECAUSE I DON'T WAN MY BOY TO END UP
- LIKE CAPTAIN MINIVAN OVER HERE?
- OKAY, OKAY.
THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR,
PHIL.
[ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
- HE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT.
- NO.
I KNOW YOU THINK
JASON IS LESS OF A MAN
BECAUSE HE'S A DECEN HUSBAND AND FATHER.
I KNOW THAT.
HE'S TOLD ME YOU BULLY HIM.
- WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T...
- BULLY HIM?
- YES, YOU DID.
- EVE, I'M MERELY BRINGING TO LIGH THE SHORT-ASS LEASH
YOU KEEP HIM ON.
MY MAN IS SO MISERABLE,
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT.
JASON IS NOT MISERABLE.
YOU'RE NOT MISERABLE.
NO, HE'S NOT. JASON, YOU ARE
A GREAT FATHER AND KNOW THAT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS SUMMER
CAMP WE'RE SENDING THE KIDS TO
- [PHIL] YEAH.
- BECAUSE IT'S INCREDIBLE.
NO. FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
- JASON IS PERFECTLY HAPPY.
- YEAH.
AND HE IS NOT AT ALL CONFUSED
ABOUT HIS MANHOOD LIKE YOU.
HE IS, IN FACT, SO CONFIDENT,
THAT HE GOT A VASECTOMY, AND HE'S
MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE.
WOW.
- REALLY?
- YOU DID WHAT NOW?
YOU GOT A SECRET VASECTOMY?
AND WE'RE MORE HAPPY FOR IT.
I'M GONNA CHECK ON
THE KIDS RIGHT NOW.
NO, NO, DON'T BE ASHAMED.
THAT'S THE CRUELEST SHI I'VE EVER HEARD.
WHY? BECAUSE HE MANNED UP,
AND DID SOMETHING AND
HELPED WHERE HE COULD, PHIL?
I ACTUALLY THINK
IT'S A ROMANTIC GESTURE.
I MEAN, YOU WOULD
DO THAT FOR US, RIGHT, BABE?
WE-WE-WE WERE TALKING...
UH... DISCUSSING THE... WHAT?
PHIL, YOU WOULD DO I FOR DAISY, RIGHT?
IF SHE ASKED,
IF IT WERE IMPORTANT?
- HELL NO!
- OH, COME ON.
- WOW.
- THAT'S CUTTING ME DOWN,
AND NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
AFTER ALL I WENT THROUGH
FOR YOU?
- REALLY?
- OH, NO, DON'T START THIS.
- WOW.
- NO, YOU KNOW, I THINK THE PROBLEM IS
IS THAT NONE OF YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTES CLUE WHAT WOMEN GO THROUGH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE ONE OF YOU
BLEED OUT OF YOUR DICKS
FOR A WEEK A MONTH, AND THEN
SEE IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT PMS.
- EXACTLY.
- WHAT ABOUT BREASTFEEDING, OKAY?
BECAUSE ALL THE... OH,
IT'S SO NATURAL, IT'S SO GOOD.
- HONEY, COME ON.
- SO, WAIT,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY
YOURSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGH BECAUSE YOUR INFANT CHILD
HAS CHEWED YOUR NIPPLES RAW.
AND THEY GET ENGORGED,
AND INFECTED.
IT'S TERRIBLE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED
CHILD BIRTH YET.
OKAY, PHIL, JUST TAKE IT BACK
RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
I WENT THROUGH NINE MONTHS
OF THROWING UP
TWICE A DAY FOR LITTLE SAMMY.
36 HOURS OF LABOR.
- I HAD 42.
- AND... AND A
FOURTH-DEGREE VAGINAL TEAR.
- MM.
- DO YOU KNOW
WHAT A FOURTH-DEGREE
VAGINAL TEAR MEANS?
- [JASON] NO.
- IT MEANS I WAS TORN
ALL THE WAY UP TO MY ASSHOLE.
MY ASSHOLE!
DID YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW
MANY STITCHES THEY PUT DOWN THERE?
DO YOU KNOW HOW TERRIFIED
I WAS TO TAKE A SHIT?
- YES!
- IT'S SO SCARY.
AND I HAD TO
PUT THE CREAM DOWN THERE
- EVERY TIME I GOT NERVOUS.
- IT'S SO SCARY.
AND Y'ALL PUSSIES, Y'ALL PUSSIES
ARE FREAKING OUT ABOU A MOTHERFUCKING 20-MINUTE,
OUT PATIENT, NO SCALPEL,
VASECTOMY!
EVE PROMISED THA SHE WOULD NEVER...
DON'T.
JUST... NO.
MARIA IS GONNA
BRING THIS UP AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, I'M REALLY SORRY,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT WASN'T THAT BAD.
- I WAS...
- I SAID...
NO.
WE LOST A LOT OF GROUND TODAY,
BUT, ALLAN, THE BATTLE'S
NOT OVER, MAN.
I-I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME.
MM.
MM.
SO TODAY WAS SOMETHING.
- MM. YEAH.
- WASN'T IT.
I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT.
YOU ARE NOT LIKE PHIL. OR JASON.
REALLY? DO YOU MEAN THAT?
YEAH, OF COURSE, BABE.
LOOK, I GET IT.
I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD'VE
THOUGHT I'D BE SUGGESTING A MINIVAN.
MM.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
LIKE, ALL I KEEP THINKING IS
WE'RE NOT OLD,
WE'RE NOT OLD PEOPLE.
JUST... WHAT THE HELL
WE DOING DRIVING THAT?
LOOK AT US.
WE'RE YOUNG, WE'RE TOTALLY HIP,
AND WE PLAY GAMES, WE...
[CHUCKLES]
KNOW ALL THE LINGO.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
YEAH.
BUT...
- WHAT?
- I MEAN, YOU KNOW...
WHAT? WHAT?
WELL, I CAN' GO BACK ON THE PILL,
AND I-I HATE CONDOMS
JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
AND WOULDN'T IT BE NICE
IF WE COULD JUST...
BE SPONTANEOUS?
YOU KNOW, DO I ANY TIME WE WANTED?
ANYWHERE?
ANY TIME?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE WE COULD JUST...
FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE
MINIVAN THING, YOU KNOW?
JUST GET AN SUV WITH ONE
OF THOSE THIRD BACK ROWS.
- I MEAN, THEY'RE JUST AS ROOMY, RIGHT?
- OH, REALLY?
- YES. [LAUGHS]
- OH, MY GOD.
[BOTH MOAN]
I DON'T KNOW, I COULD...
CALL A DOCTOR IN THE MORNING
AND AT LEAST MAKE A
CONSULTATION, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, I THINK THA IS A VERY GOOD IDEA.
MAYBE WE COULD START BEING A
LITTLE MORE SPONTANEOUS RIGHT NOW.
- [CHUCKLES]
- MM-HMM.
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT?
[SNORING]
REALLY?
[MUTTERING]
[DOOR OPENS]
DADDY?
CAN I HAVE SOME WATER?
CAN YOU SING ME A LULLABY?
[ALLAN]
TELL ME,
AND DO NOT SPARE MY FEELINGS,
WHAT DID I DO?
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
GUYS?
[SNAPS]
BACK ON TOPIC, SPORTS TODAY.
UH, YOU HAD KIDS.
- GOT THE DRAFT COMING UP.
- WITH A WOMAN.
RIGHT? NOBODY FORCED
YOU TO DO THAT.
GUYS, WE GOT A NEW SUBSCRIBER.
LET'S HOLD ONTO HIM.
I LOVE MY KIDS.
[SIGHS]
- WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS.
- WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS.
ALTHOUGH, MY YOUNGES JUST STARES AT ME
WITH THESE DEAD EYES SOMETIMES.
IT'S SO SPOOKY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO EDIT THAT OUT. I'M
NOT GOING BACK TO THE DOG HOUSE FOR YOU.
PLEASE, OUR WIVES
DON'T LISTEN TO THIS.
YEAH, SO,
MARIA COMES OU WITH IT LAST NIGHT,
THE, UH, THE PEACE
TREATY, YOU KNOW?
NO MINIVAN AND LOTS OF SEX.
IN EXCHANGE FOR...
WHAT? GET THIS IN WRITING, MAN.
YOU TAKE THIS DEAL
BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND.
- GODDAMN IT, JASON, NO!
- [ALLAN] NO.
WHY-WHY SHOULDN'T I DO IT? I MEAN,
I HAD LOST EVERYTHING ALREADY
WHAT'S A LITTLE VASECTOMY
IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS?
- NOTHING, IT'S JUST A VASECTOMY, MAN.
- THEY TELL YOU
THAT THEY'LL CONSIDER
THE SUV WITH THE THIRD ROW,
BUT THEY NEVER MEAN IT.
THEY TELL YOU THA YOU WILL GET MORE SEX,
BUT THEY NEVER MEAN IT.
ALLAN, RESIST.
- TAKE THIS DEAL, IT'S SO SWEET.
- SHUT UP.
IT'S VERY CONFUSING,
IT'S VERY, VERY CONFUSING.
[PHIL]
NO, IT'S NOT, IT'S SIMPLE SHIT.
[EXHALES]
SHOW TIME.
LAY BACK ON THE TABLE
AND PUT YOUR FEE IN THE STIRRUPS, COWBOY.
COME ON, DAD.
I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.
UH, OKAY.
[GROANS]
- [LIGHT BUZZES]
- OKAY.
- [GROANS]
- THERE THEY ARE.
TWO OF 'EM
- GOOD TO KNOW.
- SMOOTH.
SMALLISH.
- FINE.
- [GROANS]
SIT UP.
OKAY.
YOUR URINE SAMPLE
CAME BACK CLEAN.
YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT, BU WHO ISN'T IN THIS COUNTRY?
YOUR FAMILY DOCTOR SEN OVER YOUR BLOOD TES AND THEY ARE NORMAL FOR A MAN
YOUR AGE WHO DOESN'T EXERCISE.
CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU ARE A COMPLETELY
AVERAGE CANDIDATE
FOR A VASECTOMY.
GREAT. GOOD FOR ME.
OH, NO, NOT ANOTHER ONE.
- WHAT'S-WHAT'S THAT?
- WHY ARE YOU HERE?
IS IT THE WIFE?
DID SHE FORCE YOU TO COME?
NO. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I... I'M HERE. IT'S MY DECISION.
WHY, DO YOU GET A LOT OF MEN
WHO ARE HERE AGAINST THEIR WILL?
ARE YOU SCARED, ALLAN? DO YOU WAN ME TO MAKE UP SOME BULLSHIT STORY
WHY YOU'RE NOT A GOOD
CANDIDATE FOR THE PROCEDURE?
- YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?
- OF COURSE NOT.
THAT WOULD BE UNETHICAL,
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
I... THAT'S... NOT WHAT I MEANT.
I... JUST I WAS ON THE INTERNE AND, UH, IT'S A RELATIVELY
SAFE PROCEDURE,
- BUT THERE ARE INSTANCES...
- NEVER GO ON THE INTERNET. EVER.
LOOK, A VASECTOMY
IS NOT A CASTRATION.
YOUR BALLS STAY PUT.
YOUR PENIS AND
YOUR SEMEN WILL LOOK,
AND PERFORM AND, YES,
EVEN TASTE THE EXACT SAME WAY.
IT'S PRACTICALLY PAINLESS.
AND I GUARANTEE YOU, AFTERWARDS,
YOU'LL STILL BE A COMPLETE
HORN DOG.
BASICALLY, APAR FROM SHOOTING BLANKS,
NOTHING WILL CHANGE. EXCEPT THE
FACT THAT YOU WILL HAVE PROVEN
YOURSELF TO BE A COMPLETELY
PUSSY-WHIPPED MALE
- OF THE HUMAN SPECIES.
- WHAT? WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY?
I SAID RECOVERY TAKES
NO MORE THAN A WEEK,
AND, BEYOND ICING AND...
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
WHAT WAS THAT...
WHAT'D YOU SAY RIGHT BEFORE?
[EXHALES]
THAT BAD, HUH?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- I THINK I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
- YOU DO?
COME ON.
[GLASSES CLINKING, LIQUID POURS]
I SEE MEN LIKE YOU ALL THE TIME.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,
MEN LIKE ME?
MARRIED MEN, LATE 30S
TO MID 40S,
KIDS, HOUSE, RESPONSIBILITIES,
MODERATE TO SEVERE
DISCONTENT WITH THEIR LIVES.
- MEN LIKE YOU.
- WELL, I LOVE MY WIFE
- AND MY KIDS.
- IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.
IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THE VASECTOMY.
HONESTLY, ALLAN, I CAN
DO IT IN 15 MINUTES FLAT.
IT HAS TO DO WITH YOU,
AND YOUR DREAMS,
AND YOUR FANTASIES.
I GOT A FEW OF THOSE.
[CHUCKLES]
NOTHING WEIRD OR
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
WHEN I GRAB
MY SURGICAL SCISSORS
AND SEVER YOUR VAS DEFERENS,
ALL THOSE COMPLETELY
UNREALISTIC FANTASIES
THAT YOU'RE STILL
HOLDING ONTO, GONE.
IT'S JUST YOU,
AND THE COMPLETELY BORING LIFE
YOU'VE BUILT FOR YOURSELF.
OKAY, BUT, IT'S...
IT'S ALL REVERSIBLE, RIGHT?
- I MEAN...
- SEE, THAT'S JUST IT.
"HEY, WHAT HAPPENS IF
IN A YEAR,
I BUMP INTO A
VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL
AND SHE FALLS DESPERATELY
IN LUST WITH ME AND WANTS
TO BEAR MY CHILDREN?"
NO, REVERSAL SHOULD
NOT BE AN OPTION.
SUCCESS RATE IS INCONSISTENT.
ALLAN, A VASECTOMY IS FOREVER.
MM.
WELL, THANK YOU, DR. KEN,
THAT'S VERY HELPFUL INFORMATION.
DID YOU, UH, EXPERIENCE
THE SAME THINGS, UH...?
OH, GOD, NO.
DO YOU SEE A RING?
NEVER. I FUCKING HATE KIDS.
I AM KEEPING MYSELF... WHOLE.
- YOU KNOW?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I THINK THEY CAN SENSE IT.
A WOMAN HAS THIS NATURAL URGE
TO SEEK OUT THE MOS POWERFUL STALLION
AND LET HIM RAVAGE HER.
EVEN THE MARRIED ONES.
AH, OKAY.
SO, WHAT, UH, YOU'RE SAYING
I-I-I SHOULD NOT GE A VASECTOMY, THEN.
HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING AT ALL?
YOU AND ME, WE'RE DIFFERENT.
COMPARING IS POINTLESS.
WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS EITHER
WORK THROUGH YOUR FEARS
AND ACCEPT YOUR BORING, SAD
MIDDLE-AGED MARRIED LIFE,
- OR NOT.
- OKAY.
I'M GONNA SCHEDULE
YOUR APPOINTMENT FOR...
NEXT MONDAY.
MON-MONDAY? MONDAY?
YEAH, GET THE WIFE
OFF YOUR BACK.
YOU HAVE A WEEK TO DECIDE.
EITHER WAY, STOCK UP
THE FRIDGE WITH FROZEN PEAS.
GREAT FOR THE SWELLING.
[SIGHS]
[KIDS CLAMORING]
[JASON]
ALL RIGHT, GUYS...
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, JUS BE CAREFUL, JUST BE CAREFUL,
AND... WAIT, DON'T DO THAT,
DON'T DO THAT.
AND DON'T JUMP ON
THE COUCH EITHER.
AND JUST STOP, STOP, STOP
JUMPING ON THE COUCH,
AND PUT THAT DOWN, ALL RIGHT?
- I'M JUST GONNA PUT A MOVIE ON FOR YOU, OKAY?
- [MAN] HEY, HEY.
[JASON]
STOP IT. STOP, STOP, STOP.
[MAN]
DON'T JUST STAND THERE, MAN.
COME ON, COME ON.
IF THE LITTLE FUCKERS
DON'T SEE US,
- THEN WE ARE NOT HERE.
- OH, NO,
YOU NEED SOMETHING
STRONGER THAN THAT.
- OH, THANKS.
- GONNA BE A LONG MOMS' NIGHT OUT.
WHAT'S UP, ALLAN? ENJOYING YOUR
BALLS WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THEM?
- [CHUCKLES]
- YOU SAID SOMETHING.
[LAUGHS]
OH, AND HEY,
HOW'S THAT VAGINA WORKING
OUT FOR YOU, JASON?
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
GOD, JUST GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN,
- I GOT ALL YOUR KIDS OUT THERE.
- NO, "SORRY" DOESN'T CUT IT FOR YOU.
YOU VIOLATED A CODE.
THEY'RE GONNA BE TALKING
ABOUT THIS SHIT,
- DRINKING COSMOS TONIGHT.
- MM-HMM.
ALLAN'S THE BEGINNING.
- CONSULTS ARE COMING.
- GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, UH,
I'M-I'M ACTUALLY FEELING
A LITTLE BETTER ABOUT ALL THIS.
DR. KEN, HE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL.
- YOUR UROLOGIST?
- YEAH.
AND HE'S MORE
THAN THAT, HE'S UM...
VASECTOMY IS NOT JUS ABOUT STOPPING OUR SPERM,
IT'S ABOUT... KILLING OUR
DREAMS, IN A GOOD WAY.
OR NOT.
IT'S, UH, IT'S-IT'S ABOU WHO WE ARE AS MEN.
DR. KEN DIDN'T REALLY
HELP ME AT ALL,
- I'M-I'M PRETTY CONFUSED STILL.
- HEY, FOCUS.
- ARE YOU GONNA GO THROUGH WITH IT OR NOT?
- JUST PLEASE DON'T.
FOR ALL OF OUR SAKES.
- DON'T BE LIKE JASON.
- YES!
- IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
- I BET YOU ENJOYED
THE DOCTOR FONDLING
YOUR COIN SACK.
PROBABLY THE MOST ACTION
YOU HAD IN MONTHS.
HOW CAN YOU EVEN
LOOK IN THE MIRROR?
JESUS CHRI... SO, WHAT? YOU GUYS
WANT MORE KIDS, IS THAT IT?
YOU WANT A THIRD ONE, PHIL?
YOU WANT A FOURTH KID, ALLAN?
I MEAN, LOOK,
IT DOESN'T HURT AND IT DOESN' EVEN LEAVE A SCAR.
I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU.
IF YOU TAKE THOSE SHORTS OFF,
I SWEAR TO YOU, I...
YOU TAPED YOUR OWN VASECTOMY?
I DID, BUT IT'S NO COMING UP FOR SOME REASON.
I THINK IT'S
CONNECTED TO THE TV.
[KIDS SCREAMING]
- OH, MY GOD!
- WHOA, WHOA!
OH, MY GOD. OKAY.
NO, NO, NO. OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE THING IS. COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, YEAH.
SAMMY! SAMMY, DON'T LOOK, DON' LOOK, SAMMY. CLOSE YOUR EYES!
OKAY, OKAY.
OH, MY GOD, THERE IT IS.
ALL RIGHT.
HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON,
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
THE THING IS JUST...
[CLAMORING]
- [BODY THUDS]
- OKAY.
WE'RE NOT GONNA TELL MOM ABOUT THIS, HUH?
NOBODY TELLS ANYBODY MOM.
WHO WANTS COOKIES?
I GET ONE NIGHT A MONTH WHERE I GET TO CHILL
OUT WITH MY FRIENDS WITHOUT THE KIDS,
AND NOT AN HOUR INTO IT,
I GET THE PHONE CALL.
ONE HOUR, ALLAN.
I'M SORRY.
DID YOU REALLY PASS OUT?
[LAUGHS]
YUP, LAUGH AT YOUR HUSBAND,
GO AHEAD.
NOT LIKE I COULD BE
HUMILIATED ANY FURTHER.
WHO VIDEOTAPES THEIR VASECTOMY
ANYWAY? I MEAN, WHAT DOES HE DO?
JUST SIT THERE AND WATCH I FROM TIME TO TIME,
JUST REMINISCING
ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES?
MEN ARE SO WEIRD.
HEY.
I'M SORRY.
HEY, LOOK,
I SAW THE PROCEDURE
ON THE CALENDAR.
I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GONNA
GO THROUGH WITH IT.
IT'S JUST PENCILED IN.
I COULD CANCEL AT ANY TIME.
WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU'RE
NOT CANCEL IT RIGHT?
I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT LIKE
THOSE OTHER DADS.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
THIS MEANS TO ME, RIGHT?
[CHUCKLES]
MM-HMM.
- OH, REALLY?
- YEAH. YEAH.
[CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
- YEAH.
- OH.
[CHUCKLES]
[MOANING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
- WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU EXACTLY?
- [CHUCKLES]
- WHAT DOES WHAT MEAN TO ME, DADDY?
HEY, YOU, LITTLE GUY.
WHOA. OKAY.
- HEY.
- GANG'S ALL HERE.
- YOU'RE SO WEIRD, DADDY.
- [CHUCKLES]
MOMMY, CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU?
- YEAH, IT'S OKAY. COME ON.
- CAN I SLEEP HERE TOO, MOMMY?
- YEAH, YOU CAN, BABY.
- I CAN'T GO TO BED IN MY BED.
EVERYBODY UNDER THE COVERS.
DADDY, I NEED MY SPACE.
- YEAH.
- GIVE ME ROOM.
[MARIA] ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY ALL SNUGGIE?
YOU GOT ENOUGH ROOM?
- NO.
- MM.
- [LUCY] I LOVE YOUR BED.
- [MARIA] HMM.
HEY, BABE, WILL YOU
GET THE LIGHTS?
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
WHO THE FUCK AM I?
[DR. KEN]
SHOW TIME.
I'LL TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE.
YOU, ALLAN, ARE A BAG OF MEA DEFINED ONLY BY THE PURPOSE
YOU SERVE YOUR FAMILY UNIT.
YOU ARE NO LONGER AN INDIVIDUAL.
YOU ARE NO LONGER
A SEXUAL BEING.
BUT I, I WANT TO BE
A SEXUAL BEING.
AND I WANT TO BE
AN INDIVIDUAL, TOO.
YOU ARE WHAT SOME
FEMALES LIKE TO CALL
- "AN EVOLVED MAN."
- MM-HMM.
IN OTHER WORDS,
COMPLETELY DEVOID
OF EVERYTHING NORMALLY
ASSOCIATED WITH THE MALE SEX,
- STRENGTH,
- [NURSE] MM-HMM.
- VIRILITY, POWER.
- MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
HEY, ALLAN, DID YOU HAPPEN
TO SHAVE YOUR BALLS?
- WAIT, WAS I SUPPOSED TO?
- [IMITATES BUZZER SOUND]
- FUCK!
- [LAUGHING]
IT'S LIKE A GODDAMN
POMERANIAN DOWN THERE.
DR. KEN, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?
- WAS I REALLY SUPPOSED TO SHAVE MY BALLS?
- MORE IMPORTANTLY,
ALLAN, DID YOU REMEMBER TO
TAKE YOUR PAIN MEDICATION?
YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A
PRACTICALLY PAINLESS PROCEDURE.
OH, DID I?
[ALLAN]
SO IT FINALLY HAPPENED...
FOR ME.
I NOW UNDERSTAND
WHAT EVERYBODY MEANS
WHEN THEY SPEAK OF THA MOMENT OF CLARITY.
IT WAS AN OUT-OF-BODY
EXPERIENCE.
I SAW MYSELF, MY LIFE,
- [MUTED CHATTERING]
- MY-MY... MY FUTURE.
- [KIDS CLAMORING]
- AND ALL I COULD KEEP ASKING MYSELF WAS,
"WHY DO WE ALL KEEP
WALKING AROUND
THIS PREDETERMINED PATH?
WHY DO WE, WE KEEP EATING,
AND DRINKING, AND SHITTING,
AND DRIVING OUR KIDS
TO SCHOOL AND PLAYDATES,
AND HARDLY EVER MAKING
SWEET LOVE TO OUR WIVES?
WHY?"
AND WITH THAT, DEAR LISTENERS,
I BELIEVE WE COULD ALL
COLLECTIVELY EMBRACE
THE ENORMITY OF THIS MOMENT.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU FORCE A GROWN-ASS MAN
TO CUT OFF HIS BALLS!
OKAY, JUST TO REITERATE,
THERE'S NO ACTUAL
CUTTING OF BALLS
IN THE PROCEDURE.
YOU, SIR,
YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS
INTERRUPTING ME RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
YOUR ASS IS IN THE SHU,
FOR LIKE A YEAR.
LOOK, I WAS SHOWING
MY KIDS CAT VIDEOS,
I GUESS IT WAS STILL
CONNECTED TO THE TV.
I-I DIDN'T KNOW, MAN.
DO YOU HAVE IDEA THE SHI THAT DAISY PUT ME THROUGH?
SHE WANTS THE KIDS TO
GET FUCKING THERAPY.
- WHERE THE FUCK IS HE GOING?
- [DOOR OPENS]
[ENGINE STALLING]
COME ON, COME ON!
- [JASON] ALLAN, MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON.
- PIECE OF SHIT!
- ALLAN, COME ON, MAN, LOOK...
- YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER
PIECE OF SHIT!
- [JASON] OH, SHIT.
- COME ON!
COME ON, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
START!
I TOLD YOU SO.
YOU REALLY BLEW IT, BUDDY.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH THIS.
JUST TRY SOMETHING, OKAY?
JUST ANYTHING.
I-I-I THINK I CAN GET HER TO GO
FOR THE SUV WITH THE THIRD ROW,
BUT I-I NEED... I NEED A MINUTE.
I-I GET IT, MAN, I GET IT.
[SIGHS]
I GOT TO CALL MARIA,
GET HER OUT OF WORK EARLY,
GET HER TO... PICK UP
TYLER FROM HIS CLUB,
NATHAN FROM HIS PLAYDATE,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE LUCY IS.
- YOU NEED A LOANER?
- YES. DO YOU HAVE ONE?
[LAUGHS]
OF COURSE I HAVE A LOANER.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- I JUST GOT THE TITLE YESTERDAY.
MY ASSHOLE CUSTOMER
DIDN'T PAY HIS BILLS,
SO I TOOK POSSESSION.
- THE 350.
- NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT!
THIS IS MY CAR,
THIS IS THE LOANER.
NO, NO, NO, THAT'S A MINIVAN.
- THESE THINGS ARE CLASSICS NOW.
- WHAT ABOUT THIS?
WHAT-WHAT'S-WHAT'S... TROOPER.
NO, THAT IS A CUSTOMER CAR,
THIS IS THE LOANER.
- THAT'S...
- LOOK, I KNOW IT'S NOT SUV
WITH THE THIRD ROW, BUT IT RUNS.
NO, PLE... I-I DON'T WANT IT, I DON' WANT IT, I DON'T WANT IT. IT'S...
WOULD YOU RATHER CALL YOUR WIFE
AND HAVE HER COME PICK YOU UP?
NO, NO.
I'LL GET THE KEYS.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
BULLSHIT. MOTHERFUCKING
PIECE OF SHIT.
I'M NOT A MINIVAN PERSON.
I DRIVE A JEEP.
A MAN DRIVE'S A JEEP.
PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT ME,
PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT ME.
IS MY VOICE CHANGING? JESUS.
MY VOICE.
[GRUNTS]
[CAR HONKS]
FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY.
UGH. OH, JESUS CHRIST.
OH, YEAH, OF COURSE
YOU DON'T WORK.
DAD, WHAT IS THIS?
- IS THIS YOUR MINIVAN?
- I KNOW.
I KNOW, OKAY? I'M S...
[CHUCKLES]
JUST, COME ON, GET IN.
- NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
- WHAT?
GET-GET IN THE CAR.
YOU THINK I LIKE THIS?
HEY, LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES,
YOU KNOW?
- I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHOICE.
- YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.
- JUST GET IN THE CAR.
- DOES MOM KNOW?
YOU'RE ASKING ME TOO MANY QUESTIONS.
JUST CUT IT OUT!
JUST GET IN THE CAR, OKAY?
GODDAMN IT.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, BUDDY,
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
THIS...
THIS IS A PIECE OF SHIT.
[JASON]
UH, ALLAN, ARE YOU OKAY?
[ALLAN]
I JUST NEED A DRINK.
[PHIL]
YEAH.
THERE YOU GO.
- [GULPS, THEN GROANS]
- YOU NEED ANOTHER ONE?
YEAH, I MEAN, I CAN GE ANOTHER BOTTLE AND GET SOME...
NO, NO, I'M FINE.
YOU KNOW WHY I'M FINE?
BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN MY LIFE
FROM THE OTHER SIDE.
OH, SHIT.
NO, NO.
- AND I'VE REALIZED SOMETHING:
- [LIQUID POURS]
IT CANNOT POSSIBLY
GET ANY WORSE.
OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
DON'T, UH, DON'T SAY THAT.
NO, NO. IN ONE WEEK'S TIME,
I'M GOING TO GET A VASECTOMY
THAT I DON'T WAN AND THEN EVERYTHING
WILL BE BETTER.
MAYBE THE WOMEN ARE RIGHT.
OKAY?
MAYBE THE BIG SNIP
IS THE LEAST WE CAN DO.
WOMEN DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING.
WHAT ARE WE SAYING? WE...
WE'RE HORNY ALL THE TIME.
[SNARLS]
[SIGHS]
HEY, MAN, HE'S NO GETTING ANY BETTER.
I MEAN, SHOULD WE CALL SOMEBODY?
CALL WHO?
A SHRINK?
- HIS WIFE?
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
I THINK IT IS TIME
THAT WE ALL STAR DOING OUR FAIR SHARE.
MAYBE WE'D ALL BE GETTING
LAID A LOT MORE.
NOW,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE GOT A PRINCESS
PARTY TO GO TO.
FUCKING MEN.
WE FUCK IT UP.
- DAMN.
- THERE IS ACTUALLY, LIKE, A PRINCESS PARTY, RIGHT?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- OH, HI, MOM.
- WHAT'S UP, MOMMY?
YOU DIDN'T WEAR
ENOUGH PINK TODAY.
GOOD TO SEE THE DADS
PULLING THEIR WEIGHT.
OH, DID WE HAVE ANOTHER CHOICE AFTER
JASON'S STUNT THE OTHER NIGHT? PRICK.
WHERE'S THE BOOZE?
- OH, THERE'S NO ALCOHOL.
- NO.
- WHAT?
- UH, ORGANIC LEMONADE
- AND GLUTEN-FREE COOKIES.
- OH.
HEY, GREAT, DELICIOUS. MM.
THE HELL KIND OF
PRINCESS PARTY IS THIS?
- THE STUPID KIND.
- VERY BAD KIND.
DADDY, I WANT A WAND.
I WANT A WAND.
YES, I'M WATCHING YOU.
GO AHEAD, GO GET A WAND,
GET A WAND.
- YAY.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING THA AND WE HAVE A PLAN B.
LET'S DO THAT PLAN B.
- LET'S BLACKLIST THESE ASSHOLES.
- YEAH.
- NO MORE PLAYDATES EVER.
- [LAUGHTER]
THEY'LL GO CRAZY
IN LESS THAN A MONTH.
I LIKE THAT A LOT, DADS.
LIFE GIVES YOU ORGANIC LEMONS,
YOU SPIKE 'EM.
- FUCK YES.
- WHO THROWS A PARTY WITH NO ALCOHOL?
ASSHOLES.
OH, LOOK WHO'S ON HIS WAY OUT.
- OH, HEY, DAN.
- THERE YOU ARE.
GREAT PARTY, BUDDY.
I'M STARTING TO FREAK OUT,
YOU GUYS.
THAT IN THERE IS ABOUT TO TURN
INTO A GODDAMN CLUSTERFUCK
IF YOU DON'T HELP ME.
THOSE, UH, ACTRESSES I, I BOUGH TO PLAY THE PRINCESSES
ARE TOTALLY LATE.
SO LITTLE SUSIE'S GONNA FLIP
IF I DON'T GET SOME
ENTERTAINMENT GOING ON IN THERE.
SO I WAS THINKING, I GOT SOME MUSIC,
WE COULD DO MAYBE A LITTLE DANCE.
- MM-HMM.
- LIKE THE OLDEN DAYS.
I NEVER LIKED YOU.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
ALLAN, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE.
PLEASE, ONE TIME.
LET'S SAVE THIS
KIDDIE PARTY, DAN.
YES! I KNEW YOU'D COME THROUGH.
- LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
- LET'S BE MEN.
- NO.
- LET'S BE MEN TOGETHER.
THANKS, MAN.
I OWE YOU BIG TIME.
I'M SO GLAD I COULD HELP, DAN.
YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY STARTED TO
SEE THINGS A LOT MORE CLEARLY.
USED TO HAVE ALL THESE FEARS,
BAGGAGE.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
USED TO THINK THAT BEING A
HUSBAND AND A DAD WASN'T ENOUGH.
YOU KNOW, I NEEDED
SOME KIND OF ESCAPE ROUTE.
- [CHUCKLES]
- MM.
WELL, I DON'T NEED THAT ANYMORE.
AND NEITHER DO YOU.
THIS, RIGHT HERE,
IS US.
WE SHOULD JUST EMBRACE IT.
- ZIP ME UP.
- OKAY, SURE.
- WHO ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWAY?
- I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
IT'S SOME STUPID-ASS
SHOW SUSIE WATCHES.
IT WAS EITHER THESE TWO GUYS
OR PRINCESS DRESSES
- YEAH.
- LOOK, MAN,
I LOVE HER.
I'D DO ANYTHING FOR HER,
YOU KNOW?
WELL, LET'S NO FUCK THIS UP THEN.
[GULPS]
AH.
I GOT THE SONG QUEUED UP.
AT LEAST I THINK IT'S THE SONG.
NO.
WE'RE GONNA ROCK
THE FUCK OUT OF THIS, DAD.
COME ON.
LET'S GO.
[BAWKS]
COMING THROUGH. GATHER 'ROUND.
LOOK WHAT I GOT!
LOOK WHAT'S BETTER
THAN A PRINCESS,
IT'S GARY THE CHICKEN!
IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN
A PRINCESS PARTY, RIGHT?
[BAWKING]
THEY'RE LOVING THIS.
LOOK AT THEIR FACES,
LOOK AT THEIR FACES.
THEY'RE TOTALLY HAPPY.
[BABBLING]
[LAUGHING]
[SHOUTING]
SUSIE:
THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES.
- THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT SONG.
- OKAY, OKAY.
- TAKE IT EASY, LITTLE GIRL.
- WHO ARE YOU? YOU'RE A FAKE.
- SUSIE, THAT'S NOT...
- WHERE IS THE PRINCESSES?
- THIS SUCKS!
- [KIDS BOOING]
WHO BOOS A CHICKEN?
[ALLAN]
IT'S REALLY HOT IN HERE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU PEOPLE?
[BOOING CONTINUES]
YOU UNGRATEFUL
LITTLE BASTARDS.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS!
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
PRINCESS PARTIES...
WHERE DADS COME TO DIE.
[CLAMORING]
IT'S CHICKEN FOR DINNER!
[LAUGHING, CLAMORING]
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- [DR. KEN] WOW, ALLAN.
THOSE ARE SOME HAIRY BALLS.
I'M GONNA GO WASH MY HANDS.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
BUT DON'T WORRY, ALLAN,
THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE
A MAN'S BALLS ANYMORE.
WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT.
WHY DON'T YOU SHAVE MY LEGS,
AND WAX MY ASSHOLE AND
PAINT MY TOENAILS PINK
WHILE YOU'RE WORKING?
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT KIND OF DAY I'VE HAD.
AND I AM GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.
YOU GOT MOXIE, KID.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
- WHO'S THIS?
- OH, WHAT, DIDN'T YOU KNOW?
THIS IS A TEACHING CLINIC.
THESE ARE FIRST-YEAR RESIDENTS.
- SAY HI, STUDENTS.
- HI.
IT'S THEIR FIRST VASECTOMY.
THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.
- I... NO, NO.
- NOW DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF.
I'M GONNA WALK THEM
THROUGH EVERYTHING
AND I'M GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE
IN CASE THEY CAN' CONTROL THE BLEEDING.
GAH! DR. KEN, PLEASE!
DOCTOR, I CAN'T FIND THEM.
- CAN'T FIND HIS BALLS?
- WHAT?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- THEY'RE NOT IN THERE.
OH, ALLAN, I'M SORRY,
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
YOUR BALLS MUST'VE SHRIVELED UP
INSIDE YOUR BODY.
OH, COME ON,
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
- PROBABLY FROM LACK OF USE.
- [LAUGHTER]
THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES.
THIS IS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. NURSE,
GO GET THE PLIERS FROM THE TOOLBOX
- IN MY CAR.
- WHAT, WHAT? NO, NO, NO.
- YOU GUYS, START PRAYING. I'M GONNA GET A DRINK.
- COME BACK.
DON'T LEAVE ME!
...GIVE THIS MAN BALLS.
LORD, THY WHO GRANTS BALLS,
AND TAKES BALLS,
GIVE THIS MAN BALLS.
LORD, THY WHO GRANTS BALLS...
[MARIA]
ALLAN.
ALLAN!
HMM.
DADDY, ARE YOU
FLIPPING OUT AGAIN?
NO, BABY, HE'S NO FLIPPING OUT AGAIN.
MAYBE HE'S DYING.
- DAD, YOU BETTER SAY SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.
- ALLAN...
I'M FINE.
I'M... TOTALLY FINE.
I'VE NEVER BEEN BETTER.
[PHONE RINGING]
SHOULD I GET THAT?
NO, DO NOT GET THAT.
THAT IDIOT, CARTER, POSTED
YOUR EPISODE ON FACEBOOK.
EVERYBODY'S BEEN
CALLING ALL DAY.
YOU'VE GOT HUNDREDS OF LIKES
AND SOME REALLY WEIRD COMMENTS.
OH.
[LUCY] DADDY, YOU'RE
REALLY SCARING ME, MOMMY.
BABY, DADDY, JUST GOT TOO WARM
IN THE CHICKEN COSTUME.
THAT'S ALL, OKAY?
RIGHT, ALLAN?
FORKS ARE FUNNY.
[LAUGHING]
OKAY.
MAYBE WE'LL JUS POSTPONE THE VASECTOMY
AND... MAYBE EVERYTHING CAN GE BACK TO NORMAL AROUND HERE.
MM.
I DON'T THINK ANYTHING WILL BE
GOING BACK TO NORMAL.
KIDS?
- PLEASE GO TO YOUR ROOM.
- RIGHT NOW?
OKAY.
DADDY'S GONNA GET IT.
[TYLER]
COME ON.
[NATHAN]
BUT I'M STILL EATING.
[TYLER]
I DON'T CARE. COME ON.
[LUCY] BUT WHEN ARE WE GONNA EAT?
I'M NOT FULL.
[TYLER]
I'VE GOT SOME SWEETS IN MY ROOM.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE KIND OF
SHIT YOU PUT US THROUGH TODAY?
AND NOW FORKS?
FORKS, FORKS ARE FUNNY.
- [CHAIR SLIDES]
- OH, MY GOD.
THE FUCKING FORK, ALLAN.
YOU KNOW, THAT THERAPIST SAID
WE SHOWED MUCH IMPROVEMENT.
I THINK THIS IS KARMA
FOR US NOT FINISHING
OUR TREATMENT.
WELL, I LOVE YOU,
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I'M LOST, I-I DON'T KNOW
WHO I AM ANYMORE.
AND I-I'M TRYING
TO FIGURE IT OUT,
BUT IT'S... I LOOK AROUND ME
AND I SEE WHAT WE HAVE
AND I'M WONDERING WHAT...
HOW DID I GET HERE?
WHAT IS... WHAT'S HAPPENED?
YOU GREW UP, ALLAN.
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO
GROW UP ANYMORE.
AWESOME.
THAT'S GREAT.
NO, LISTEN, W-WHY...
W-WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO
WHAT'S EXPECTED OF US?
WHY CAN'T WE DO
WHAT WE WANT TO DO? WHY?
I MEAN, ARE YOU EVEN HAPPY?
HMM.
- HONEY...
- [LIQUID POURING]
WELL, I GUESS WE'RE REAL
MARRIED PEOPLE NOW.
JUST COMMON,
RUN-OF-THE-MILL,
BASIC MARRIED PEOPLE.
WE'RE NOT.
WE'RE NOT BASIC, WE'RE NO BASIC MARRIED PEOPLE.
ARE WE?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I...
WATCHED THAT DOCUMENTARY
ON THE AMISH THE OTHER DAY.
UH... THE ONE IN OUR QUEUE.
YEAH, YEAH, I'VE SEEN THAT.
IN THE QUEUE, I MEAN.
ANYWAY,
BEFORE THEY CAN BECOME FULL
AND PROPER AMISH PEOPLE,
THEY HAVE TO GO OU INTO THE REAL WORLD
AND EXPERIENCE I TO SEE IF THE AMISH LIFE
IS WHAT THEY REALLY WANT.
THEY CALL IT "RUMSPRINGA."
YEAH.
UH... DO YOU WANT ME
TO WATCH IT OR WHAT?
WATCH IT TONIGHT, IF YOU WANT.
I THINK THAT YOU NEED...
YOUR OWN MINI RUMSPRINGA.
JUST TO GET THIS
ALL OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM,
THIS... DOUBT.
UH, AND THEN YOU WANT ME
TO GET THE VASECTOMY, THEN...
IT'S NOT ABOU THE FUCKING VASECTOMY, JESUS.
I WANT YOU TO DO
WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED TO DO
TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY
WITH THIS LIFE.
OKAY? SO JUST...
WHATEVER THAT IS.
KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
AND I'LL...
I'LL TAKE THE KIDS TO
MY MOM FOR THE WEEKEND.
AND THEN, COME MONDAY,
WE'LL SEE.
BUT, ALLAN,
YOU'RE NOT THE GUY
IN THE CHICKEN COSTUME.
ANYTHING I WANT.
ANYTHING I WANT?
THAT'S...
[PHIL]
IT IS A TRAP.
THE OLDEST TRAP KNOWN TO MAN.
"OH, GO AND DO
WHATEVER YOU WANT."
THEY DON'T MEAN THAT SHIT.
THIS IS A CLASSIC
LOSE-LOSE SITUATION.
I MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY
LET IT GO TOO FAR.
YOU GOT TO FIND MARIA RIGHT NOW
AND TELL HER THAT YOU DON' NEED THIS MINI RUMSPRINGA.
WHAT? NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
UH, YOU WANT HIM TO FALL FOR IT?
I WANT HIM TO REALIZE
WHAT SHE'S DOING TO HIM.
WHAT THEY DO TO US ALL.
I KNOW WHAT I WANT.
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!
SHE'LL LOCK YOUR ASS IN A ROOM.
YEAH, I GOT TO AGREE WITH PHIL ON THIS ONE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOUR RECENT LIFE CHOICES.
NO, I WANT TO
TRUST MY WIFE, OKAY?
AND I WANT MY MINI RUMSPRINGA.
I WANT ONE WEEKEND
OUT OF MY LIFE
THAT I'M NO A BASIC MARRIED PERSON.
I DON'T REMEMBER A TIME
WITHOUT KIDDIE PARTIES,
OR PLAYDATES, OR POTTY TRAINING.
WHAT WOULD YOU GUYS DO
IF YOUR WIVES SAID
YOU COULD DO ANYTHING YOU WANT?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I'M NOT GONNA DENY THAT I'VE
DREAMT ABOUT THIS SCENARIO,
ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS.
$50 RIB EYE.
FOLLOWED BY A NIGHT IN AN
EXCLUSIVE VIP VODKA FREEZER.
CLASSY STRIPPERS.
SHOOT, NASTY STRIPPERS.
WE SHOULD COME WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW, UH, FOR
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, RIGHT?
I MEAN, EVE ALREADY THINKS YOU'RE
HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
THIS IS A PERFECT EXCUSE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK LISTENERS?
SHOULD WE ACCOMPANY ALLAN
ON HIS NOBLE QUES FOR ENLIGHTENMENT?
OH, GOD, YES, THEY-THEY SAID
YES, ALL FIVE OF THEM SAID YES.
SIX, SIX OF 'EM.
GUYS, I DON'T KNOW,
IT'S... IT'S MY RUMSPRINGA.
THAT'S TOO MANY SYLLABLES
TO GO IT ALONE, MAN.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I COULD
USE THE COMPANY, I GUESS.
- RUMSPRINGA!
- RUMSPRINGA, YAY-YAY!
[JASON DRUMMING ON TABLE,
PHIL LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
GRANDMA'S, YAY!
ALL RIGHT, LET YOUR BROTHER
IN FIRST, OKAY?
- [NATHAN] IS DADDY GONNA DIE?
- [MARIA] DADDY'S NOT GONNA DIE.
HE JUST NEEDS A BREAK RIGHT NOW.
BEFORE THEY BURN HIS WEE-WEE?
EVERYBODY IN THE CAR.
YOU'RE SAYING CRAZY THINGS.
[NATHAN] IN THE CAR CAN WE
TALK ABOUT VASECTOMIES?
[MARIA]
MAYBE NOT, I DON'T KNOW.
WILL YOU HELP YOUR SISTER
WITH HER SEATBELT, PLEASE?
[ENGINE STARTS]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[LAUGHS]
I'M ALONE.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WHOO! AH!
AH, AH, AH!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
COME IN!
[LAUGHING]
- MM.
- WELCOME TO MY RUMSPRINGA.
- YES.
- [CHUCKLES]
IS THIS REALLY
WHAT I THINK IT IS?
[JASON] PLEASE TELL ME
IT'S NOT HAPPENING.
I ADMIT, I MIGHT HAVE
SPLURGED A LITTLE BIT.
[LAUGHS]
REALLY?
THERE'S ENOUGH FOR ALL OF US?
- MM!
- OKAY, WAIT A SECOND,
WE NEVER DISCUSSED
THE LIMITATIONS
OF OUR PLANNED
"ACTIVITIES", OKAY?
- AND IF EVEN FINDS OUT ANYTHING...
- NO LIMITS.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
- NOTHING IS OFF THE TABLE.
OUR MAN ALLAN HAS
TWO MAGICAL DAYS TO DO
WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS
AND, YOU AND ME, WE'RE GONNA BE
SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, GODDAMN IT,
AND WE ARE GONNA HUMOR HIM,
NO MATTER HOW
DEPRAVED HIS ASS IS.
[LAUGHS]
ANY MINUTE NOW...
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
OH!
SIT.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING!
- CLOSE YOUR EYES. [LAUGHS]
- [DOOR OPENS]
I JUST SHOULDN'T BE HERE, I
SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE RIGHT NOW.
HEY, COME ON IN. GOD.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THIS IS... [LAUGHS]
- YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
- UM...
HERE YOU GO, KEEP THE CHANGE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- THAT'S A DUDE.
- YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, COME ON.
- HEY, WHAT'S IN THOSE BOXES? ARE THOSE PIES?
- [LAUGHS]
I GOT ONE OF EVERY FLAVOR.
- [GIGGLES]
- NO, UM...
HERE YOU GO. YEP.
YEAH, THIS IS COOL, BUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER?
WHAT'S NEXT?
UH, NEXT WE EAT,
WE EAT THE PIE...
WE DRINK BEER,
AND WE WATCH SPORTS,
UNINTERRUPTED.
THAT IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE.
WAIT, SO YOU WANT US TO
JUST SIT HERE ALL DAY
EAT PIES AND...
- AND WATCH SPORTS?
- YEAH, YEAH.
MAYBE, MAYBE, UM, MAYBE
EVEN TAKE A NAP LATER.
NAP?
MM!
MAN, YOU GOT A RHUBARB PIE?
MM-HMM. MM, SO GOOD.
- WHERE?
- RIGHT THERE.
I GOT BANANA CREAM FILLED.
BANANA CREAM.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, SEE,
THIS IS ALL WRONG.
[STAMMERS]
HIPSTER BAKER BOY
WITH FUCKING PIES?
SPECIAL, LIKE, THAT'S
YOUR SPECIAL DELIVERY?
NO, W-WHAT ABOUT ESCORTS,
AND STRIPPERS AND-AND COCAINE?
- SOMEBODY'S BEEN WATCHING TOO MANY MOVIES.
- HA!
THIS, PHIL, IS WHAT I DREAM OF.
I DON'T GET TO CHILL OU IN THE HOUSE EVER!
WATCH SPORTS.
I NEVER GET PIE.
THEY ALWAYS WANT BROWNIES,
ICE CREAM.
I LOVE PIE!
- HALLELUJAH.
- THIS IS THEM WINNING.
LOOK, DON'T YOU SEE THAT?
MARIA'S GOT YOU SO
UNDER HER THUMB,
YOU WOULDN'T EVEN DREAM OF DOING THE
SLIGHTEST THING THAT WOULD OFFEND HER.
THAT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL.
I DREAM OF CRAZY SHI ALL THE TIME.
I DREAM OF STUFF SO...
SO FRACTURED,
AND BENT, AND-AND FREAKY THAT, I MEAN,
SHE'D DIVORCE ME IF SHE EVER KNEW.
ISN'T THAT WHAT THE POINT OF
THIS FUCKING RUMSPRINGA IS?
TO NOT KILL THE DREAM?
TO ACTUALLY DO SOME SHIT THA COULD GET YOUR ASS DIVORCED?
MM-MM.
NOT HIDE OUT, EATING PIE,
STUFFING YOUR FACE, SCARED OF
WHAT THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER.
YOU DISAPPOINT ME, MAN.
I THINK YOU'RE SCARED.
I'M NOT SCARED, SO...
I AM PERFECTLY HAPPY SITTING
HERE AND EATING PIE.
- SHUT UP.
- LISTEN,
YOU THINK OF SOMETHING WE SHOULD
BE DOING, WE'LL GO DO THAT.
WAIT, WAIT, WHOA,
YOU'RE GONNA LET HIM PICK?
- YOU SURE ABOUT THAT, ALLAN?
- YEAH.
NO, I MEAN,
GIVE ME A COUPLE OPTIONS...
TOO LATE!
MOTHERFUCKER, TOO LATE.
- OH, JESUS CHRIST.
- WE'RE GONNA PU SOME HAIR ON THEM NUTS TONIGHT,
GODDAMN IT.
- [LAUGHS]
- ALL RIGHT, CAN I JUST FINISH MY PIE, MAN?
YOU MADE ME SO HAPPY
WITH THIS PIE.
FUCK THE PIE.
DON'T FUCK THE PIE,
BUT LET'S EAT IT AND BE DONE.
- COME ON.
- THANK YOU. JESUS.
- MM.
- ALL RIGHT, MEN, CHECKLIST.
- CASH. BOOZE.
- CHECK. CHECK.
- SPARE DRAWERS. RUBBERS.
- GOT 'EM. WAIT, WHAT?
HEY, MAN, LIKE A GUN,
BETTER TO HAVE AND NOT NEED
- THAN NEED AND NOT HAVE.
- WHOO! WE'RE DOING IT. [GIGGLES]
LOOK, IF EVE SMELLS ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS,
SHE'S GONNA REVOKE ALL MY PRIVILEGES.
NO, WE'RE STRICTLY
GOING JASON BOURNE.
ONLY PAY CASH,
MONITOR ALL CELL USAGE...
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, STOP.
AH, SHIT.
WE CAN'T TAKE MY CAR, MAN, EVE PU A SECRET TRACKING DEVICE IN THERE.
DAISY DID THE SAME THING TO ME.
DADS...
- OH, HELL NO.
- [LAUGHS] PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING ABOUT THAT.
I HATE THIS PIECE OF SHIT MORE THAN
I'VE EVER HATED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE,
BUT IT'S ALL WE GOT.
IT'S OUR RUMSPRINGA MOBILE.
WELL, LOOK, I'LL SAY THIS,
I MEAN, I GUESS
YOU CAN'T REALLY GET ANY MORE UNDER
THE RADAR THAN THAT THING, HUH?
- RIGHT?
- ALL I'M SAYING IS, I BETTER NOT BE ON FACEBOOK IN THIS BITCH.
WHAT HAPPENS ON MY RUMSPRINGA,
STAYS ON MY RUMSPRINGA.
IN YOU GO.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[PHIL LAUGHS]
AND HERE WE GO.
- [JASON] THERE IT IS.
- [PHIL] LITTLE PIECE OF HEAVEN.
THIS IS SO GREAT.
CAN'T BE HYGIENIC.
IT'S A RUB AND TUG,
NOT A DENTAL CLEANING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE NEVER HAD
- ONE OF THESE BEFORE.
- I ALWAYS THOUGH THESE WERE FOR
DESPERATE, HORNY MEN.
MAN, IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
NOW, WHEN YOU GO IN,
AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT,
- THEY'RE GONNA ASK IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.
- MM-HMM.
YOU SAY, "YES, OF COURSE."
- OF COURSE.
- THEN YOU ASK FOR WANG.
- WHO'S WANG?
- MY BUDDY WHO COMES HERE ALL THE TIME
SAYS WANG IS THE BEST.
ALSO, MAKE SURE
YOU ASK FOR THE WORKS.
WAIT, WAIT,
YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, THAT... THAT'S JUST...
THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.
- MM.
- ALL RIGHT, SO,
IT'S $40 FOR THE RUB,
$60 FOR THE TIP.
SO $60, $60 FOR THE TIP?
OKAY. NO, GOOD CALL.
LET'S MAKE IT $80.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU READY, BUDDY?
I AM ABOUT TO GET JERKED OFF
BY A COMPLETE STRANGER
NAMED WANG.
AND, GODDAMN IT,
I'M GONNA ENJOY IT.
ATTA BOY.
[PHIL LAUGHS]
THERE YOU GO, BUDDY. HIT IT!
[JASON]
THERE HE GOES.
KIND OF BEAUTIFUL.
[PHIL]
IT IS. IT IS IN A WAY.
- A MAN BEING SET FREE.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
PENIS ABOUT TO GET RUBBED.
[GONG SOUND]
HELLO.
GOOD AFTERNOON,
HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?
I'M-I'M ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE HAD A, I'VE HAD
AN INTERESTING DAY.
AND, UH, WELL, WEEK, REALLY.
BUT I'M FINE.
I'M FINE AND EVERYTHING IS,
EVERYTHING IS FINE.
I'M HERE NOW
AND IT... I'M VERY,
VERY HAPPY TO BE... HERE.
HAVE YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE?
YES.
YES, I HAVE,
MANY TIMES, ACTUALLY.
I-I WOULD LIKE
A MASSAGE FROM WANG.
WANG IS THE BEST, ISN'T SHE?
WANG... ALL THE WAY.
WOULD YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE?
A, UH, BACK RUB, FULL BODY,
DEEP TISSUE, OR...?
UM, NO I THINK...
[STAMMERS]
THE-THE WORKS.
- I'M SORRY?
- THE WORKS, THE WORKS.
THE WORKS.
ARE YOU SURE?
YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY.
WELL, THEN...
THE WORKS IT IS.
WANG!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
- YES.
- UH, OH, YEAH, OKAY.
THAT'S... THANK YOU.
OH, WOW, YES, THANK YOU.
OH, THAT'S AMAZING.
CAN I WEAR THAT?
CAN I PUT THAT ON? NO, OKAY.
YOU ARE STUNNING.
[STAMMERS]
LAY ON THE BED?
LAY IN THE BED? OKAY.
UH, NO, NO, NO BED.
TO... BREATHE.
[INHALES]
OKAY.
OH, THE SHIRT, THE CLOTHING,
CLOTHING, TAKE CLOTHING OFF.
YES. OKAY.
THERE WE GO.
JUST EVERYTHING?
DO, DO EVERYTHING? AND...
MY UNDERWEAR, TOO? OKAY.
I'M SO SORRY.
I...
[LAUGHS]
YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL,
BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT,
I DON'T NORMALLY LIE,
BUT, UH...
[CHUCKLES]
I WAS A LITTLE CONFUSED.
LAY DOWN, OKAY.
I'M SO SORRY.
SERIOUSLY, I THINK IT'S...
I DON'T KNOW,
THE JASMINE OR SOMETHING.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
WANG IS, WANG IS
A BEAUTIFUL NAME. I...
THANK YOU, BABY.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WAIT, WHAT-WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE OTHER GIRL?
[GROANS]
DOES THAT HURT?
YOU LIKE IT WHEN IT'S ROUGH,
- DON'T YOU? [LAUGHS]
- OH!
YEAH, THAT HURTS.
[LAUGHS]
WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX...
YOUR LITTLE BODY
AND LET WANG DO HER...
- THING!
- OH!
- DO I HAVE A CHOICE?
- [LAUGHS]
I SAID, SHUT UP AND ENJOY!
[YELLS]
WHOA! GOD!
YEAH, HEY! WE FOUND YOUR BALLS.
- DR. KEN.
- SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO GIVE THEM A GOOD, HARD YANK.
TURNS OUT I DIDN'T NEED THEM,
- BUT KEEP THEM CLOSE JUST IN CASE.
- DR. KEN...
REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID I COULD
CHANGE MY MIND AT ANY TIME?
THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOUR GOLLY
WHOPPER. YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- [DING]
- BOING.
- OH, MY GOD!
OH, COME ON,
WE'VE ALL SEEN AN ERECTION.
WELL, MAYBE NOT HER.
ESPECIALLY ON GUYS LIKE YOU
WITH LIMITED SEXUAL ACTIVITY.
I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU EVEN NEED A VASECTOMY.
- DO YOU EVEN HAVE SEX?
- NO.
YES! IT DOESN'T MATTER.
LISTEN, I WANT TO CHANGE MY MIND, OKAY?
I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.
ALLAN, YOU SHOULD'VE SAID
SOMETHING A MINUTE AGO
BEFORE SHORTY HERE
STARTED CUTTING.
- HOW'D THE FIRST INCISION GO?
- NO, NO.
- UM, I THINK IT'LL HEAL OKAY.
- GAUZE.
- GOD, IT'S NOT HAPPENING. IT'S NOT HAPPENING!
- OH, OH.
- LOOK AT THAT. COME ON! OH!
- NO! WHAT IS THAT?
- PUT IT BACK, PUT IT BACK!
- YOUR MANHOOD.
- WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP.
- I WANT YOU TO BE VERY STILL
'CAUSE I'M GONNA CUT THIS.
OKAY, DON'T MOVE.
- UM... [WHIMPERS]
- DON'T MOVE, ALLAN.
- DON'T MOVE, DON'T MOVE.
- PLEASE!
- DON'T MOVE. DON'T MOVE!
- PLEASE, NO!
GODDAMN IT, ALLAN!
[YELLS]
MY WIFE!
FUCK DR. KEN.
OH, GOD, I'M SO SORRY,
I MUST'VE...
- I MUST'VE DOZED OFF.
- YOU ARE SO STRESSED OUT.
- THAT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR BODY.
- I THINK IF I JUST...
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST LAY BACK,
- I'LL JUST LAY DOWN, I THINK, FOR A MINUTE.
JUST LAY BACK AND SHOW ME
YOUR LITTLE SOLDIER.
OKAY...
[BOTH LAUGHING]
NO, NO.
[PHIL AND JASON
SCREAMING IN DISTANCE]
[PHIL]
WHOO!
YOU'RE A FUNNY MAN, I LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE
THE USUAL PERVERTS
- THAT I JERK OFF.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
WOW. WHOA, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NO, NO, THAT'S-THAT'S
A COMPLIMENT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I... THAT MEANS A LOT,
THAT MEANS A LOT.
AND I HOPE YOU DON' TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,
BUT IT'S JUST WITH THE MINIVAN,
AND THE VASECTOMY,
- I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT.
- IT'S OKAY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE ALL GOING
THROUGH OUR OWN SHIT.
BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO
PAY FOR THE WORKS.
- NO, OF COURSE.
- NO REFUNDS.
OH, I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT.
- WHAT IS THE WORKS, ANYWAY?
- OH.
WELL, FIRST, THERE'S A...
LITTLE JERKY-JERKY
- [CHUCKLES]
- AS A TEASE. [LAUGHS]
AND THEN, I...
OH.
[CHUCKLES]
I RUB MY BODY ALL OVER YOU.
- OF COURSE YOU DO. YES
- [LAUGHS]
AND THEN I TAKE
THESE TWO FINGERS
AND I..
WHOO! WHY DON'T WE
DO THAT SHIT EVERY DAY?
MAN, I TOLD YOU
TO GET THE WORKS.
I MEAN, IT SNEAKS UP
ON YOU, BUT WOW.
- WAS WANG THE SHIT OR WAS WANG THE SHIT?
- OH.
WANG WAS THE SHIT.
MAN, I'M TELLING YOU,
IF EVE KNEW I WAS DOING THIS,
- SHE WOULD DISMEMBER ME.
- [LAUGHS]
- WHAT'S NEXT?
- HEY, WAIT,
YOU'RE THE GUY
WITH THE GREAT IDEAS.
WHAT-WHAT-WHAT DO YOU GOT?
RUMSPRINGA, MOTHERFUCKERS!
- YEAH.
- [LAUGHS]
- YEAH!
- WHOA, SEATBELT.
LET'S HIT IT!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[ALLAN]
WHOO-HOO!
ALL RIGHT, WHERE AM I GOING?
MAKE A... RIGH AT THE NEXT LIGHT.
- OKAY.
- MY MAN TOLD ME ABOUT A SPOT WHERE WE COULD GET SOME COKE.
- WHOA, GOD.
- NO, MAN.
WHAT IS THIS, "MIAMI VICE"?
- I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL.
- ALL RIGHT.
UH, MEDICAL MARIJUANA.
- OKAY.
- THAT'S US.
IS THERE ANY QUALIFYING
MEDICAL CONDITIONS
I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?
I GET SPASMS...
IN MY PENIS.
AT THE WORST TIMES.
I BOUGHT INTO
THE WHOLE 3D TV THING
AND I THINK IT'S JUS FUCKED ME ALL UP.
LIKE THE WORLD LOOKS 2D.
I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
WE'RE JUST...
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO...
TO BUY WEED
- IS THAT...?
- I NEED A MEDICAL CONDITION.
[SIGHS]
I HAVE A LOT OF PAIN IN MY ANUS.
I THINK IT'S GLAUCOMA.
I'M A FATHER.
YEAH, THAT QUALIFIES.
- THIS IS SO GOOD.
- FUCKING AMAZING.
- [COUGHS]
- WE BOUGHT THIS AT A STORE.
- YOU WALKED THROUGH A STORE...
- JUST WALKED IN.
- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- ...AND BOUGHT I "COULD I HAVE A CUPCAKE
AND SOME POT?"
[GROANING]
[SIGHING]
AMERICA, BITCHES.
- [LAUGHS]
- AMERICA!
[ALLAN]
I LOVE DRUGS! [GIGGLES]
- OH, SHIT.
- DAD!
- DAD! COME HERE.
- IT'S LIKE A FAMILY. OH, SHIT.
- COME TO US!
- WALK TO THE LIGHT, BROTHER.
WALK TO THE LIGHT.
- FUCK IT, WE TRIED.
- [GIGGLING]
THAT'S LIKE A TIME MACHINE
VERSION OF US,
- LIKE YESTERDAY.
- [LAUGHS] WE TRIED.
OH, YOU DON'T,
YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT?
YOU DON'T NEED YOUR VEGETABLES?
YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
THE NAME'S BOND...
DARNELL BOND.
OH...
SHIT.
GET YOUR LIGHTERS OUT,
PEOPLE. YEAH.
- YES, SIR.
- WHOO!
- HEY, SWEETIE, HI! YEAH, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
- I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
- OH, I SOUND GOOD?
I DON'T KNOW, I THINK
I JUST GOT BAD RECEPTION.
[CHUCKLES]
THIS FEELS REALLY GOOD.
IS THAT WEIRD?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- YOU GUYS...
- [LAUGHS]
- HEY.
- OH, LOOK AT HIM GO!
[MEN YELLING]
GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP! OH!
OH, SHIT, SORRY.
[CROWD BOOING]
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY,
MUSIC STOPS]
[KJ]
HEY.
YO, GUYS, YOU GOT TO
GET OFF THE STAGE.
FUCK YOU!
OUR WIVES AND KIDS ARE OU AND WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT!
- UH!
- WE EARNED THIS SHIT!
[MICROPHONE THUDS, FEEDBACK]
I THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY. SORRY.
YOU KNOW, WE ARE
ALWAYS TALKING ABOU HOW TO SURVIVE MARRIAGE
SO WE DON'T GO COMPLETELY CRAZY.
BUT WHY NOT?
SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD TO GO A
LITTLE CRAZY EVERY NOW AND THEN.
YES, YES, IT'S LIKE WHAT DO
THEY THINK WE'RE GONNA DO?
WE'RE GONNA BE OUT THERE
SHOOTING HEROIN,
AND, UH, SCREWING
EVERYTHING THAT MOVES?
WE'RE MEN, GODDAMN IT.
WE'RE-WE'RE MORE THAN
JUST JAR OPENERS
AND BED WARMERS,
WE DEMAND RESPECT, AND SEX.
- MORE SEX. HOT DAMN.
- YEAH. A VASECTOMY SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.
- GOD, COME ON, I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
- NO. UH-UH. MM-MM.
NOT TONIGHT, NOT EVER.
GENTLEMEN,
COURTESY OF TABLE FIVE.
OH. THAT'S FREE DRINKS?
- EXCELLENT.
- THREE LADIES RIGHT OVER THERE.
- GOOD LUCK.
- WHAT'D HE SAY?
- OH, SHIT.
- OKAY.
- [CHUCKLES] THAT'S CUTE.
- THEY WANT OUR DAD BODS.
THAT'S CRAZY, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
I MEAN, DID YOU SEE THESE WOMEN?
THEY'RE NOT A DAY OVER 30.
- THANK YOU.
- LET'S INVITE THEM OVER.
- NO! NO, NO, BAD IDEA.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT ARE YOU... STOP IT!
OH, GOD.
I'M SWEATING ALREADY. I HAVEN' TALKED TO A NON-MOM IN YEARS.
DON'T YOU DARE
FUCK THIS UP FOR US.
THESE GIRLS ARE FINE AS SHIT.
- AND THEY'VE BEEN DRINKING.
- RELAX, THEY'RE NOT COMING OVER.
THEY DON'T WANT TO SIT WITH US.
I MEAN, WE'RE OLD MEN.
COME ON, LOOK IT...
THEY'RE COMING OVER.
- THEY'RE COMING OVER.
- MOVE THE TABLES.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, MAN.
WHAT IF, WHAT IF
SOMEBODY RECOGNIZES US?
EVE CAN BE SO VIOLENT.
YOU ARE NOT CHEATING ON HER.
YEAH, WE'RE JUST HAVING
A LITTLE CONVERSATION.
THAT IS RIGHT.
THAT IS ALL WE'RE DOING,
IS HAVING A LITTLE
CONVERSATION...
FOR NOW.
LADIES, HELLO.
- HI. HI.
- MY NAME'S PHIL.
- THIS IS ALLAN.
- WELL, HELLO.
- AND THIS IS CAPTAIN MINIVAN.
- [LAUGHTER]
NO, THAT'S NOT MY NAME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR THE DRINKS.
- COME ON, HAVE A SEAT WITH US.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- HI.
- HI.
YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME UP THERE.
- [ALLAN] AWESOMELY BAD.
- [WOMAN] YES.
YOU LOOKED LIKE
YOU WERE HAVING FUN
AND WE COULD USE A LITTLE FUN.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL...
WELCOME TO THE FUN TABLE.
[WOMAN CHUCKLES]
- UH... [CHUCKLES]
- [CHATTERING]
- HI.
- I, UH,
SHOULD TELL YOU RIGHT NOW THAT I MIGHT SAY
SOMETHING COMPLETELY STUPID AT ANY TIME.
IT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN DOING
A LOT LATELY, I DON'T KNOW WHY.
- AND DRINKING.
- [LAUGHS]
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS CELEBRATING?
- UH, I DON'T KNOW...
ACTUALLY, TODAY
IS ALLAN'S BIRTHDAY.
- [ALLAN LAUGHS]
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
IT'S NOT, HE KEEPS
TELLING PEOPLE THAT,
BUT IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY,
I'M JUST OLD.
YOU'RE NOT OLD, YOU'RE JUS A LITTLE BIT... MARRIED.
AH, THE RING. [CHUCKLES]
HELLO.
HAPPILY?
OH, WELL,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
IT'S A LOADED QUESTION.
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE HERE,
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
WELL, YEAH, I DON'T...
NEVER-NEVER GET TO DO THIS,
SO IT'S REALLY A NEW...
YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE TO BE OUT.
GOOD COMPANY, SO
IT'S NICE.
WIFE KEEPS YOU LOCKED UP, HUH?
OH, LIFE KEEPS ME LOCKED UP.
I ALWAYS WONDERED WHY
PEOPLE GET MARRIED.
IT'S ALL THE EXCITEMEN AT FIRST, AND...
THEN WHAT HAPPENS?
OH, YOU'RE ASKING ME?
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'D ONLY CONFUSE YOU FURTHER,
I GUARANTEE IT.
INSTANT HEADACHE.
MAYBE WE'RE JUS NOT MEANT TO BE
WITH THE SAME PERSON
OUR WHOLE LIVES.
MAYBE IT'S OUR NATURE,
WE WANT MORE, UH... EXCITEMENT,
- VARIETY.
- YEAH, OR MAYBE
WE'RE-WE'RE MEANT TO BE MARRIED,
BUT ONLY FOR A CERTAIN
PERIOD OF TIME, YOU KNOW?
- MM-HMM.
- PUT AN EXPIRATION DATE ON IT,
DATE COMES UP, "SEE YOU LATER.
- [LAUGHS]
- NO HARD FEELINGS."
OR YOU STAY MARRIED AND
PUT A NEW DATE ON IT, MAYBE.
I LIKE IT, IT'S...
- IT'S STRANGELY ROMANTIC.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW.
NOW WE JUST GOT TO CONVINCE
THE REST OF THE WORLD.
[BOTH LAUGH]
HAVE YOU PASSED
YOUR EXPIRATION DATE?
UH...
I-I... NAH, I DON'T,
I DON'T, I DON'T THINK SO,
BUT IT'S... IT'S PROBABLY,
IT'S PROBABLY COMING.
ARE YOU SURE, ALLAN?
I'M NOT COMPLETELY POSITIVE,
BUT I'M S... SURE ENOUGH.
OH.
MM.
WELL, WHAT ARE
WE DRINKING NEXT?
- TEQUILA
- "TE-KILL-YA."
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, MAN?
YOU FUCK.
YOU FUCKING FUCK.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
- OH.
- OH.
[STAMMERING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
- I HAD TO PEE.
- OH.
OH, YOU... THAT'S... OKAY.
YOU KNOW I'M MARRIED, RIGHT?
YOU'RE SWEET.
I'M-I'M... THANK YOU.
- THAT'S... I'VE GOT TO...
- [MOANS]
OKAY.
I'VE GOT THREE KIDS AND UH...
- [MOANS]
- OH, GOD THAT FEELS GOOD.
GOT A HOUSE.
[MOANS]
MM, YOU SMELL LIKE STRAWBERRIES.
[SNIFFS]
AH.
[STAMMERING]
I'VE GOT A LOANER MINIVAN.
MINIVANS ARE HOT.
[BOTH MOANING]
IT'S HAPPENING.
IT'S HAPPENING.
OH.
OH, I'M S... I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
YEAH.
SHE MUST BE AMAZING.
OR YOU'RE A FUCKING PUSSY.
[PHIL] BOTH OF YOU WERE
NAKED AT THE SAME TIME?
[SIGHS]
OH!
YOU'RE A REAL FUCKING ASSHOLE,
YOU KNOW THAT?
GIRLS, ARE WE READY?
- YUP.
- YUP. FUCKING MUTE.
[JASON]
WHAT?
WORST MOMS NIGHT OUT EVER.
I HAVE TO GO HOME
AND SCREW MY HUSBAND.
[WOMAN 2]
MY TITS ARE GONNA EXPLODE.
I GOT TO GO PUMP IN THE CAR.
UH...
W-W-WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
- I HAVE NO IDEA.
- WELL, I THINK THAT PHIL
JUST COCK-BLOCKED US
WITH A COUPLE OF MOMS.
NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
DO YOU THINK OUR WIVES
DO SHIT LIKE THA - ON MOMS NIGHT OUT?
- NO, MAN, NO!
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
- COME ON.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
ARE WE SURE?
[MEN LAUGHING]
[ALLAN]
HERE'S TO YOU, YOU FUCKING...
[PHIL GROANS, CLEARS THROAT]
HEY, WHAT'D YOU SAY TO THAT MOM?
WHAT'D YOU SAY TO THAT MOM?
- SAME SHIT YOU WOULD'VE SAID.
- NOPE.
DID YOU SEE THAT GIRL'S ASS?
- [ALL LAUGH]
- GODDAMN!
AYE, OH, AND-AND DON' GET THAT SHIT TWISTED,
- THAT WAS A FLUKE.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
I GOT GAME.
- [LAUGHS]
- OH, YEAH.
- I GOT GAME.
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHA YOU SHOULD'VE SAID?
WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE SAID WAS
THAT YOU HAD A VASECTOMY,
'CAUSE THEY WERE MOMS, THEY
MIGHT'VE THOUGHT THAT WAS HOT.
IT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, I KNOW THAT I SHOULD
PROBABLY DO IT, OKAY?
I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
BUT IT'S ALL JUS SO FINAL, YOU KNOW?
AND...
[SCOFFS]
I FEEL LIKE A PUSSY, ALL RIGHT?
BUT I-I-I THOUGH ALL THE FREAKING OU WAS, WAS GONNA BE DONE
WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.
AND THEN IT HAPPENED
AGAIN WHEN WE HAD KIDS.
W... WHEN DOES IT END?
THAT'S HAPPILY EVER AFTER
FOR YOUR ASS, MAN.
- IT'S MESSY AS FUCK.
- [CHUCKLES]
I CAN'T HELP IT,
BUT, SOMETIMES...
I JUST WANT TO RUN.
- WOW, YEAH.
- [CHUCKLES]
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?
THEY WOULD JUST FIND US.
I CAN HEAR DAISY RIGHT NOW,
"NO! NO! WHERE YOU GOING?
NO, I GOT DREAMS TO CRUSH.
YOU AN ASSHOLE,
BUT YOU'RE MY ASSHOLE.
MY ASSHOLE!"
- [ALL LAUGH]
- "MY ASSHOLE."
"UH, BABE? BABE,
UH, WHERE YOU GOING?
YOU'RE TOO DUMB
TO FIND ANOTHER WOMAN."
- [CHUCKLES] "TOO DUMB."
- DAMN.
UH, YEAH, SHE WOULD SAY,
"UH, JASON,
THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
YOU JUST DON'T HAVE
ANY WORKING SPERM.
NOW WIPE THIS KID'S ASSHOLE,
HE'S GOT DIARRHEA."
EVE IS COLD, MAN.
[LAUGHS]
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER,
SOMETHING'S GONNA CHANGE.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT, BUT I
KNOW I AM NOT GETTING A MINIVAN.
- THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT!
- [LAUGHS]
- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
- GOOD LUCK TO YOU, DUDE.
GOOD LUCK ON THAT ONE.
OH, OH SHIT!
WE ARE LIVING!
THIS IS WHAT IT'S ABOUT, MAN!
- COME HERE, MOTHERFUCKER, I LOVE YOU!
- [LAUGHTER]
I LOVE YOU TOO, YOU ASSHOLE,
YEAH, GIVE ME A HUG.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- COME HERE, COME HERE.
- NO, GIVE ME MORE, MAN.
- NO, NO, NO.
- YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT.
- NO, NO, NO!
- [LAUGHS]
- ALL RIGHT, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT, I DO.
YOU'RE A BAD MOTHERFUCKER, MAN.
- CHEERS.
- OH.
MM.
[DR. KEN]
HAVE YOU BEEN HAVING FUN, ALLAN?
WHOA. YOU AGAIN.
- SO YOU THINK YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE FIGURED OUT, IS THAT RIGHT?
- YES.
I MEAN, NO, NO, NO.
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
NO, I DON'T.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WELL, YOU SCARED AWAY
MY RESIDENTS, ALLAN.
NO, THAT WAS, THAT WAS A DREAM.
THAT'S...
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT IS... OH!
WHY AM I TIED UP?
WHAT IS...
WHAT IS THAT BLO...
WHAT IS THAT BLOOD?
WHAT IS THAT PAIN?
WHAT IS THAT PAIN?
YOU MOVED.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO MOVE,
AND YOU MOVED.
HE SHOULDN'T HAVE MOVED.
YOU NICKED IT?
YOU NICKED IT?
YOU REALLY NICKED IT?
HOW BAD?
OH, IT'S REAL BAD.
THE GOOD NEWS IS
I CAN 100% GUARANTEE
THIS VASECTOMY'S EFFECTIVENESS.
NO. NO!
EE!
- [LAUGHS]
- GET ME OUT OF HERE!
UNTIE ME!
I'M GONNA CUT YOUR BALLS OFF
AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.
IT DOESN'T MATTER, BUDDY,
IT'S ALL A DREAM.
- FUCK YOU!
- AND YOU GOT EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT, RIGHT?
NO, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!
- [LAUGHS]
- OH, I HATE YOUR FACE.
I HATE YOUR FUCKING FACE.
[GROANING]
YOU...
YOU GOT ME, DR. KEN!
YOU PUNKED ME, YOU PRICK!
HEY, GUYS?
OH, THERE'S A FUCKING TICKET.
OH, SHIT, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
HEY.
- WE SLEPT IN.
- OH, FUCK.
- WHAT TIME IS IT?
- AH!
OKAY.
[GROANS]
WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S OKAY, IT'S 6:00.
IT'S 6:00.
OH, FUCK, IT'S 6:00 P.M.
[PHIL SNORING]
- GET UP, PHIL.
- [GRUNTS]
WHO FUCKING? WHO FUCKING?
[GROANS]
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
[GROANS]
- NO.
- OH, SON OF A BITCH.
WE SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE...
[GROANS]
LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF SHIT.
FUCK!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S OVER.
WHY DON'T WE JUST BURN
THIS FUCKING VAN?
LET'S JUST BURN
THE FUCKING VAN.
FUCK IT, LET'S DO IT.
OH, MY GOD. OKAY.
- I'LL BURN THIS VAN.
- IT'S ALL YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PUT IT AWAY, PUT IT AWAY.
YOU'RE NOT BURNING THE VAN.
YOU GOT TO TAKE KIDS TO SCHOOL,
YOU GOT TO GO TO WORK.
WE'RE DADS.
WE DON'T DO THAT SHIT.
RUMSPRINGA'S NOT OVER.
WE STILL GOT TIME.
- ALL RIGHT.
- COME ON!
ALL RIGHT, LET'S-LET'S REGROUP.
IT'S WINNING TIME.
- THERE'S UBER.
- LET'S GET A... LET'S UBER!
- LET'S UBER! THAT'S THINKING.
- GET SOME FOOD
- COME ON! TITTIES!
- AND SEE SOME TITTIES.
[ALL]
TITTIES.
- TITTIES.
- TITTIES IT IS.
[MAN] WHOO! [LAUGHS]
OW, MY HEAD.
IT'S LITERALLY ABOU TO EXPLODE RIGHT NOW.
LIKE, LITERALLY.
IF YOU WANT, I CAN GO ASK
THEM TO TURN THE MUSIC DOWN
FOR YOU THERE, OLD DAD.
I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE
WE SLEPT THROUGH
HALF OF YOUR RUMSPRINGA.
OH, IT'S FINE.
AND, YOU KNOW WHAT?
AFTER EATING PIES,
SLEEPING IN WAS NUMBER TWO
OF TWO ON MY BUCKET LIST.
- [LAUGHS]
- YEAH, WELL, THERE WILL BE AN ADDENDUM
THAT INVOLVES THAT GIRL'S ASS
- [MEN CHEERING]
- IN YOUR LAP, I PROMISE.
SOON AS I GET MY STRENGTH.
SHE'S VERY LIMBER.
OH, LOOK AT THOSE
DUDES OVER THERE.
YOU EVER THINK ABOUT WHAT IT'D
BE LIKE IF WE GOT TO GO BACK
AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN?
[JASON]
WE'D BE LIKE THOSE ASSHOLES?
I'M GETTING EXHAUSTED
JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
LIKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE I WOULD START.
WHAT DID WE USE TO DO ALL DAY?
I MEAN, YOU CAN ONLY JERK OFF
SO MUCH, RIGHT? MAN, FUCK THEM.
FUCK HIM AND HIS PERFECTLY
MANICURED HAIR AND BEARD COMBO.
FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER 'CAUSE HE REMINDS
ME TOO MUCH OF ME TEN YEARS AGO.
IT'S LIKE BIZARRO PHIL
RIGHT THERE.
AND FUCK HIM BECAUSE
HE JUST LOOKS TOO GODDAMN HAPPY.
HE IS HAPPY, SON OF A BITCH.
YOUTH IS OVERRATED.
YEAH.
I MISS MY KIDS.
RIGHT NOW,
AS YOU STARE AT THAT ASS,
YOU MISS YOUR KIDS?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET THAT SHE IS
STRIPPING TO SUPPORT HER OWN KIDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN ACTUALLY SEE HER
BEING A REALLY GOOD MOM.
NO, NO!
WHILE SHE'S ON THE POLE,
SHE'S NOT A MOM, ALL RIGHT?
- I MISS MY KIDS, TOO.
- OH, SHIT.
- DON'T YOU MISS YOUR KIDS, PHIL?
- YES!
YES, I MISS MY FUCKING KIDS,
ALL RIGHT?
IN FACT, NEXT TIME,
WHY DON'T WE BRING THEM ALONG
SO WE CAN NOT MISS THEM
WHILE WE WATCH
THIS NON-MOM SHAKE HER ASS
AS A FAMILY UNIT?
THAT SOUND LIKE A PLAN?
- [CHUCKLES]
- GUYS?
I KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA DO IT.
WHAT? WELL, WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND,
YOU STILL GOT A COUPLES HOURS LEFT.
YEAH, I MEAN, DON'T DO
SOMETHING YOU MIGHT REGRET.
WELL, ALSO, DON'T NOT DO SOMETHING
BECAUSE YOU MIGHT REGRET THA BECAUSE THAT'S A MISTAKE ALSO.
YOU KNOW WHAT, BOYS?
I THANK YOU FOR YOUR WISE
AND SAGE ADVICE.
BUT I'M GONNA ADD AN ITEM
TO MY RUMSPRINGA BUCKET LIST.
THE THIRD AND FINAL ITEM...
AND I'M GONNA
NEED YOU TO JOIN ME.
COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON.
DAY'S A-WASTING. HEY.
ARE WE DOING THIS,
CAPTAIN MINIVAN?
YOU ALL LOOK AMAZING,
BY THE WAY.
- YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD DANCER.
- THANK YOU.
COULD YOU, COULD YOU
LET ME UP THERE
AND DANCE JUST A LITTLE BIT?
- UH... SURE.
- LIKE A MINUTE, YOU KNOW?
- COME ON, 100 BUCKS.
- YEAH, WELL, SURE.
I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY?
OH, HERE YOU GO, TAKE ONE.
- YEAH, LET'S DO IT.
- AWESOME.
HELP ME UP, HELP ME UP.
- ALL RIGHT.
- [GROANS]
OH, GOD.
- YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
- [MEN CLAMORING]
YOU KNOW, I WATCHED A LO OF JANET JACKSON
WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
I SAW JANE WORK LIKE THIS ONCE.
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW WE DO I IN JAIL, FELLAS.
I KNOW THIS IS WHA Y'ALL REALLY WANT, RIGHT?
[CLAMORING CONTINUE]
YEAH!
- OH!
- HEY, ALLAN,
I THINK THIS DANCE PARTY'S
TAKING A TURN, MAN.
- CAN WE LEAVE?
- DANCE PARTY WAS NOT ON MY LIST.
[STAMMERING] WELL, THEN WHA ARE WE DOING HERE, DUDE?
COME ON, ARE YOU READY?
YEAH, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN
IN A FIGHT BEFORE, ALLAN.
NEITHER HAVE I.
WHOO!
- [KARATE NOISES]
- THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT!
- [CLAMORING]
- TAKE THESE.
[GRUNTS, WOMAN SCREAMS]
[YELLING, SCREAMING]
COME ON!
OH!
DANCE FIGHT!
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[GROANS]
LET'S GO, BUDDY.
[GRUNTING]
OH, MY GOD!
[BOTH GRUNT]
YOU READY TO GO NOW?
RUMSPRINGA!
YEAH, BOY!
[ECHOING]
ON TOP.
[ALL LAUGHING]
MERRY RUMSPRINGA, MAN.
BEST DAY EVER.
[LAUGHS]
ASIDE FROM THE BIRTH
OF MY FIRST CHILD.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- AND THE SECOND, AND THE THIRD.
I FEEL VERY GOOD.
- WE SHOULD COORDINATE OUR NEXT MID-LIFE CRISIS.
- OH.
I AM GETTING SO TIRED
OF COMING IN HERE.
WHO'S GONNA MAKE THE CALL, HUH?
ANYONE? COME ON.
DAISY WOULD NEVER LET ME
HEAR THE END OF THIS.
I CAN'T ASK EVE,
SHE WOULD CASTRATE ME.
- DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO SHUT UP?
- YES.
THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?
HEY, OFFICER, CAN'T WE, UH,
JUST WALK OUT OF HERE LIKE MEN?
NO, YOU NEED A RESPONSIBLE
ADULT TO DRIVE HOME, OKAY?
AND THAT'S FINAL.
FUCKING DADS.
[SCOFFS]
WELL, WE'RE SCREWED.
DON'T WE KNOW ANYBODY THA CAN KEEP THEIR MOUTH SHU AND BE COMPLETELY
NON-JUDGMENTAL?
THERE IS ONE PERSON.
[WANG]
YOU BOYS ARE SO
FUCKING STUPID.
[LAUGHS]
WHOO, YOU OWE ME BIG TIME.
AND APART FROM ALL THE MONEY,
Y'ALL GONNA HAVE SEND ME
A LOT OF REFERRALS.
AND EACH OF YOU
IS GONNA HAVE TO OPEN UP A LEAST 20 FAKE YELP ACCOUNTS.
AND YOU BETTER LEAVE ME
GOOD REVIEWS.
HEY, HEY, WANG, ARE YOU SURE
I CAN'T SIT IN THE FRONT?
WHAT DID I JUST SAY TO YOU?
- YOU SAID NO.
- I SAID NO, GODDAMN IT.
SHIT. I LOVE YOU BOYS, BUT IF
YOU DON'T PAY ME MY MONEY,
I'M GONNA TELL ALL Y'ALL WIVES.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, PLEASE DON'T.
- NO, NO, NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.
SHIT, THEN DON'T FUCK WITH ME.
[ENGINE STALLING]
OH, NO, BITCH. NO, YOU DIDN'T.
- BOYS?
- UH-UH.
I DECLARE MINI RUMSPRINGA
OFFICIALLY OVER.
- YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
- WELL, THEN OUR JOB HERE IS DONE.
- [CHUCKLES, WANG YELLING]
- YOU GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, BROTHER?
- I THINK SO, YEAH.
- DON'T YOU MAKE ME PULL OUT THAT GODDAMN STICK.
NOW, IF ANYBODY ASKS...
- YOU MOTHER...
- [MEN] NOTHING HAPPENED.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- THAT'S IT. RIGHT, GODDAMN IT.
THAT'S RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, NOW. LET'S GE OUR ASSES UP OUT THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
- [CHUCKLES]
- AH.
HEY.
- HEY.
- WHAT, UH...
HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?
UH... YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?
ACTUALLY, NO, I DO NOT.
THAT'S GOOD
BECAUSE WE ALL KIND OF SAID
THAT WE WOULD ALL SAY
NOTHING HAPPENED.
SO...
DID YOU FIGURE IT OUT?
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?
IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
- [GRUNTS]
- FUCKING ASSHOLE!
YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING WORRIED
YOU HAD ME ABOUT YOU?
- HEY, HEY, HEY, PLEASE...
- NO, AND THEN EVE AND DAISY,
THEY'RE TELLING ME YOU'RE GONNA
BACK WITH AN STD
OR, LIKE, BE IN JAIL
OR SOMETHING.
COME ON, WHAT? JAIL?
THAT'S CRAZY.
- [STAMMERS] STD.
- WHAT?
[STAMMERING]
I DON'T HAVE AN STD.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- NO, I'M NOT... NO.
- THERE'S NO WAY.
- I WOULD CUT YOU.
I WOULD END YOU, END YOUR LIFE.
YOU WOULD BE DEAD.
WE WOULD PRAY FOR YOU
BECAUSE YOU'D BE DEAD.
NO MORE.
WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?
YOU'D BE A LITTLE WIDOW.
- WIDOW, WIDOW MARIA.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK IF...
DO THE...
[MOANING]
- I MISSED YOU.
- I MISSED YOU.
NOT YET... OH.
MM, WAIT, UM, ALLAN?
WAIT, ALLAN... JUST ONE THING.
- HONEY, I'M GONNA GET THE VASECTOMY.
- NO.
- OKAY? I'M NOT EVEN, I'M NOT EVEN AFRAID OF THAT ANYMORE.
- NO.
BUT I DON'T WAN THE MINIVAN, OKAY?
I WILL GET THE...
I WILL GET THE SUV
- WITH THE THIRD ROW, OKAY? NOT THE MINIVAN.
- OKAY.
- ALLAN...
- UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO HAVE THE MINIVAN.
- I WILL NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT IT.
- ALLAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. JUST...
OKAY, LOOK, YOU KNOW HOW I'VE
BEEN HAVING HEADACHES LATELY
AND-AND I'VE BEEN TIRED
AND KIND OF A BITCH?
- NO, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN... NO, YOU'RE JUST YOUR NORMAL,
- OKAY, OKAY.
LOVING, LOVING SELF.
LOOK, UM...
BABE, I'VE BEEN
NAUSEOUS ALL WEEK.
NO. ARE YOU SICK?
I TOOK A HOME TEST.
THE DOCTOR CONFIRMED IT.
WE'RE...
WE'RE HAVING NUMBER FOUR.
I TOLD YOU YOU DIDN' KNOW HOW TO PULL OUT.
NO, NO. WHAT?
- THIS... THAT ONE TIME?
- THE ONE TIME.
BUT-BUT I DIDN'T... I NEVER...
I WANTED TO,
BUT I-I... THE CONDOM BROKE
AND I DIDN'T EVEN...
ALLAN?
- BABE? ALLAN?
- NO, NO. UH...
ALLAN, DON'T YOU FREAK OU ON ME RIGHT NOW.
- I JUST W... WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- BABY? BABY?
- IT'S OKAY. I KNOW, I KNOW.
- I WANTED TO FINISH, BUT...
- I DIDN'T ACTUALLY, UH...
- IT'S OKAY. BABY, JUST BREATHE.
- JUST BREATHE, IT'S OKAY.
- I DIDN'T ACTUALLY...
- NO, IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE.
- THE CONDOM BROKE!
YOU'RE FREAKING OU RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
ALLAN, PLEASE,
YOU'RE SCARING ME RIGHT NOW.
- IT'S NOT FUNNY. I KNOW IT'S NUMBER FOUR...
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH DADDY?
- WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS FACE?
- WE SHOULD CALL THE COPS.
NO, NOBODY IS CALLING
ANYBODY, OKAY?
EVERYBODY BACK TO BED, OKAY?
BACK TO BED, GUYS!
GUYS, COME ON.
DAD? DAD, BREATHE.
WE SHOULD CALL AN AMBULANCE.
[ALL CLAMORING]
ALLAN, YOU'RE SCARING THEM. PLEASE DO
NOT DO THIS. GUYS, GO BACK TO BED.
[CLAMORING CONTINUES]
[ROARS, LUCY SCREAMS]
I KNOCKED YOU UP
AND I DIDN'T EVEN CUM!
- OH, MY GOD.
- OH!
I'M THE BIGGEST STUD
OF ALL STUDS!
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, AND I LOVE YOU.
- AND I LOVE YOU!
- OKAY, DADDY'S FINE.
OKAY, DADDY'S FINE.
OKAY, BACK TO BED.
[ALL CLAMORING]
- OKAY.
- I LOVE YOU.
- YOU'RE CRAZY.
- I LOVE YOU.
UM, WE'RE HAVING NUMBER FOUR.
[CHUCKLES]
JEEZ.
W-WHAT'S THIS?
WHOA.
YOU'RE LIKE A WILD WOMAN.
WHAT... I'VE NEVER
SEEN THIS LOOK.
OH, GOD!
WHOA!
I AM GOING TO
FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT.
OH, MY GOD.
[BOTH MOANING]
- OH, MY GOD.
- OH, YEAH.
- I LOVE YOU.
- SHUT UP.
- [CHUCKLES] OH, GOD.
- OH!
- I'M GONNA KISS YOU.
- NO, SHUT UP, I DON'T CARE.
- [LUCY YELLING]
- HOLD YOUR EARS, KIDS!
MOMMY AND DADDY ARE
HAVING SEX! OH, GOD.
- OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD.
- OH, THEY CAN HEAR US. OKAY.
- SHUT UP.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
[KIDS CHATTERING]
IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY. HOLD ON.
- OH!
- OH!
I FINISHED.
[LAUGHS]
SHUT UP.
[PHIL]
SO, DEAR LISTENERS,
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY WE LEARNED
THROUGH ALL THIS, HUH?
NOT A GODDAMN THING.
THERE'S NO MORAL TO THIS STORY.
NO, NO, NO, I THINK WE LEARNED
SOMETHING, SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
YEAH, THERE'S MORE THAN
ONE WAY TO TRACK A PHONE.
I MEAN, EVE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
SHE'S SO SMART.
SHIT, REALLY? MAN, SHE
BETTER NOT TALK TO DAISY.
THAT WILL BE MY ASS,
I'M TELLING YOU.
LET'S JUST, LET'S JUST...
GO BACK TO TALKING
ABOUT SPORTS, OKAY?
SPORTS I UNDERSTAND,
WOMEN, KIDS, TECHNOLOGY,
- NOT SO MUCH.
- YOU WANT A MORAL TO THIS STORY? I'LL GIVE YOU ONE:
GET THE DAMN VASECTOMY BEFORE YOU SCREW
UP PULLING OUT AND GET YOURSELF STUCK
WITH NUMBER FOUR.
I MEAN, I LOVE THE LITTLE
FUCKER, BUT NOW MY LIFE
IS OFFICIALLY OVER.
I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME
TO FLIP OUT ANYMORE.
YEAH, LISTEN, I HOPE YOU
PICK UP THE MINIVAN.
NO, NO, THERE WILL
BE NO MINIVAN.
- OKAY. FOUR KIDS? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.
- MOTHERFUCKERS.
YOU KNOW I GOT A CONSUL LINED UP NEXT WEEK, RIGHT?
I CAN'T STAND Y'ALL ASSES.
- HA-HA!
- WHAT HAPPENED TO US, HUH?
WE USED TO BE MEN.
WE USED TO BE PROUD.
SPORTS. COME ON, NOW.
ONLY SPORTS FROM HERE ON OUT.
AMEN.
AMEN!
AMEN.
[NURSE]
AW.
LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE SO NERVOUS.
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S A BIG DAY.
- [CHUCKLES]
- OH, YOU... LOOK NORMAL.
MM-HMM. WELL, YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
THE DOCTOR IS
VERY GOOD AND GENTLE.
COUNTING ON THAT.
OH, HERE HE IS.
MAN OF THE HOUR. OKAY.
SO, A VASECTOMY.
I HONESTLY THOUGH YOU'D NEVER COME BACK.
MOST MEN LIKE YOU DON'T.
WELL, I'M NOT LIKE
MOST MEN LIKE ME.
THAT'S CUTE.
OKAY, REMEMBER,
A VASECTOMY IS FOREVER,
ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'LL PROBABLY
NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD A REVERSAL,
SO, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE SURE?
DOC, I DO NOT WANT NUMBER FIVE.
FIX ME.
ONE VASECTOMY COMING UP.
OH, COME ON, ALLAN. DIDN'T I
TELL YOU TO SHAVE YOUR BALLS?
- OH, SHIT.
- NURSE, GIVE ME THE BLADE, PLEASE. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
I LIKE THE OLD FASHIONED ONE.
WHAT, WHAT? OLD FA...
HOLY SHIT.
THAT'S LIKE A CLEAVER.
NO, NO! NO RESIDENTS.
GO FIND SOME OTHER
BALLS TO FONDLE.
REAL FUNNY.
ALLAN, YOU REMEMBERED TO TAKE
YOUR PAIN MEDS, RIGHT?
WHAT? NO!
OH, SHIT. NO, NO, NO,
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT,
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'M NO GONNA LIE TO YOU...
I LOVE MY WIFE.
I LOVE MY KIDS.
THIS IS GONNA HURT.
OKAY, LOOK AT THE CEILING.
[YELLS]
- QUIT IT.
- OH, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
- THIS WILL TEACH YOU NOT TO HAVE ANYMORE CHILDREN.
- GODDAMN IT!
THE POPULATION'S 7 BILLION
IN THE WORLD.
RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE,
RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE.
I LOVE PLAYDATES!
I LOVE POTTY TRAINING!
THIS IS FOR YOU, BABY! OH!
WHOO-HOO!
HEY, HEY, GUYS,
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
[FAMILY CLAMORING]
[NURSE]
YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB.
- I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- OH.
- IT'S DAD.
- AND DON'T FORGET TO KEEP
THE FROZEN PEAS ON
THAT SPECIAL AREA.
- OH, YEAH. YEP.
- HEY.
[GROANS]
- HEY.
- HEY. HI.
HOW YOU DOING? ARE YOU OKAY?
- AW.
- NO, I'M FINE.
- [GROANS]
- NATHAN!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
GET OUT OF HERE.
OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
ACTUALLY...
I DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING.
MM.
[KIDS TEASING]
HEY.
IS HE GONNA BE OKAY?
PHYSICALLY OR PSYCHOLOGICALLY?
- OH. [CHUCKLES]
- AL?
- HERE ARE THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR HIS POST-OP CARE.
- OKAY.
BASICALLY, JUST LET HIM LIE
ON THE COUCH FOR A WEEK OR SO,
CATER TO HIS EVERY NEED,
YADA YADA.
OH. REALLY?
THIS HERE IS THE MOS IMPORTANT STEP.
YOUR WONDERFUL HUSBAND
MUST BRING THIS SPECIMEN
IN SIX WEEKS.
OH, THE SPECIMEN.
- OKAY, WELL...
- HMM.
THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD.
EXCEPT HE MUST FIRS CLEAR THE CHAMBER...
20 TIMES.
20 TIMES?
IDEALLY, 30. OR MORE.
AND I'M SURE HE'LL APPRECIATE YOUR
ASSISTANCE WHENEVER POSSIBLE.
IT'LL REALLY HELP HIS RECOVERY.
THAT'S... INTERESTING.
OKAY. THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
YEAH.
- GOOD LUCK.
- WELL...
- 30 TIMES, HUH?
- WELL, DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
OH. GREAT, YEAH.
[CHUCKLES]
ALL RIGHT, KIDS, LET'S GO HOME.
YOU STAND IN FRONT OF ME. YOU
GUARD ME AGAINST YOUR BROTHER.
- HE'S A LITTLE WILD MAN.
- YOU, STAY ON MY SIDE, YOU.
[LUCY] HOW'S DADDY GONNA
PEE WITHOUT HIS WEE-WEE?
[NATHAN]
HE'LL PEE OUT OF HIS BUTT.
[ALLAN]
OH, GOD.