1
I didn't miss anything, did I?
No, no, no, you didn't miss it.
I was just about to begin in.
Gentlemen, I want to remind
you of a very special someone...
Baseball legend Wade Boggs...
- Great.
Who is rumored to
have drank 64 Miller Lites
on a cross-country flight.
Now, I'm not saying
we have to match that.
But it's good to have goals!
It's good to have goals.
I like that.
I wrote that.
I wrote that and memorized it.
God, I didn't think you
were going to make it, dude.
Barrett said you're
way too whipped
by Katherine to do a pub crawl.
Don't misquote me, man.
I didn't say that.
I said, he's way too scared
of Katherine to blow her up.
Come on, there's no way I would
miss as a new tradition, right?
I'm just going to be
responsible a little bit.
I'm gonna do three
bars, and that's it.
- What?
- Three bars?
Three bars?
Three bars.
Oh, I mean, there's no
point of you even being here.
I mean, you should
just go home now,
man, because you're going
to miss all the good shit.
He wrote a speech.
OK, I understand.
But, dude, Katherine's parents
are visiting from out of town,
and I got to hang out.
If I skipped out,
then she'll kill me.
Hey, guys, guys,
guys, guys, check this out.
I know we said we
were just going
to do beer at the first bar.
But there was this
super-hot shot girl.
She freaking was so hot.
Do I have to teach your
little brother everything?
Never ever talk
to the shot girls.
Never.
They're just
undercover bartenders.
And they never put up.
'Cept that one
might be different.
Excuse me, boys.
Oh.
I'm not even trying to
hook up with that girl, man.
I... I actually really
want to see how
things work with me and Amanda.
Aw, that's sweet.
Amanda?
Are you talking about
Katherine's friend?
Yeah.
You've been out on
one date with her.
- Yeah, but she's really cool.
- Zzh!
Beer pong's up.
David, you in?
All right.
Oh, Adam and I got next.
Come here.
I gotta say, man, that rousing
speech was awesome, man.
You got our song-playing dude.
This is not gonna be...
Not gonna be easy.
Buddy, that is
just the beginning.
Check it out.
What the hell is that?
That, my friend, is a barcycle.
Barcycle!
Let's be stupid people, man!
Heh.
Three bars, huh?
This is so weird.
He just texted me.
You know, I'm gonna
call him again.
OK.
Oh, man, I'm so drunk, man.
Barcycle was a bad idea.
I really got to go.
I'll be right back.
Hey, what's up, babe?
Oh, my god, you look so
good in a black dress.
What the fuck?
Oh, my god, you look
so good tonight.
You're like a doll.
What are you doing?
What's up?
Oh, my god, I'm so
sorry I'm late, ha-ha.
Adam, why did you get so drunk?
What?
Oh, my god.
Um, I... I'm not that drunk,
but I was responsible.
And I only drank nine
beers before flip cup.
How many shots did you have?
Shots don't count.
Everybody knows that
shots don't count.
All right, look, I confess.
I'm a little bit drunk.
But you know what?
The guys decided
that we were going
to have, uh, every
year to do a pub crawl,
because it's our anniversary.
Adam, do you even know
when our anniversary is?
Yeah, totally, I
know when it is.
Every single year.
It's not today, is it?
Oh, shit.
It's today?
What did you get me?
Go be with your friends.
No way.
I would never do that with them.
Why would you... I know how
important this day is to you.
Why is Mook naked?
Mook's naked.
That's because that's
how we party, dude!
Adam.
What?
Go be with your friends.
Oh, my god, I love
you so much, Katherine.
Thank you, I know.
You guys, thanks so
much for you know what.
Yeah, Mr. Dad and the mom.
Hey, guys!
Katherine said I could
stay out a little longer.
Hey, Katherine, can you
please tell Amanda call me?
So what are we doing here?
David said we had to come.
Oh, it's a party for Amanda.
He's so whipped.
He picked a bad week,
but your little brother
did go all out, I'll say that.
Definitely.
This place, man.
Wow, man.
I really need to
get my shit together.
Oh, man.
If I was making real
estate money like David,
I wouldn't waste it
on these wine parties.
Oh!
Oh, oh.
What?
What up with that one?
That's my
16-year-old cousin.
So no because she's your cousin?
Or no because she's 16?
No, because of... really?
Yeah.
Hey, Adam.
Come here.
I could use your help.
My mom's calling me.
And no, you can't
fuck my mom either.
How's that?
No to my whole family.
- Don't want to.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't want to.
I wan to fuck his mom so bad.
I know you do.
I know.
Hey.
Hey.
I can't believe David
put you to work today.
I volunteered.
What is that on your face?
Why are you wearing it to
your brother's big party?
Because I have to.
It's for Fu Man Choose Your
Own Adventure, all right?
If you want to play, we
got a bunch of extra ones.
Mook can't grow facial
hair, so we need 'em.
Yeah, right.
I'll pass.
Oh, aren't they adorable?
Look how happy they are.
Aw.
When are you gonna find someone?
Me?
Uh, heh.
I don't know.
Not anytime soon.
I don't want to, like,
miss out on things.
Things?
What things?
Go, go.
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
I got it.
- Relax your esophagus.
Relax your esophagus.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Go, go, go.
More, more, more.
Stuff like that, kind of.
Not that, really.
Not drinking from
the ass of a goose.
You know, even I am
dating somebody now.
Oh, no, I know.
The point is, I...
I... I'm very happy.
And I want you to be happy too.
David said that Katherine
is coming tonight.
And she RSVPed plus one.
Oh, cool.
Katherine's coming?
That's great, yeah.
Uh, she... yeah, she's
coming with somebody,
'cause she's over
it, and I'm over it.
And we're both over it.
So that's... that's... I
mean, that's... that's great.
No problem here.
Holy shit.
Hey, man.
Uh, we have a bit...
Little bit of a problem.
Where are the guys?
The guys.
The guys are definitely not
out flirting with your cousin,
I know that.
Why?
What's up?
Man, uh, OK.
Well, Katherine's
on her way here.
And you know what?
She's bringing a date.
So great.
Good.
Hey, Katherine, the
one that got away.
Yeah, you actually don't have
to say that every time I...
I bring her... her up.
It's really annoying.
You get so pissed
off every time, man.
OK.
Well, you know what?
It's not that funny.
If it happened to you,
it wouldn't be funny.
It would never happen
to me, because I've
never been broken up with.
Look, you're stressing
out over nothing.
She is probably
dating some dork.
I know this.
- OK, but...
- Oh, my god, she just walked in.
- Where?
Oh, shit.
This is my boyfriend, Mario.
You don't have to say it.
I know I don't
have to, but I have to.
Your ex-girlfriend
is dating AC Slater!
Oh, my god!
Yeah, I know, dude.
OK?
Oh, hey, Katherine!
No, what are you doing?
Shut the fuck up.
Hey.
What do you mean,
what am I doing?
This is, like, the
greatest day of our lives!
No, it's a shitty
day of my life, man.
You're being selfish.
- How am I being selfish?
- Just get it together.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Mario, this is Adam.
Hey.
Hey, how are you?
- Barrett.
- Yeah.
- Big fan.
- Oh.
Huge fan.
And not of the hosting bullshit.
But you know.
You know.
Yeah, yeah, I can
probably guess.
"Saved by the Bell."
That's it, man.
Oh.
I like the, uh... the... that
you got going on there.
Oh, heh.
Uh, yeah.
Oh, it's not real.
I... I didn't get the memo.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, no, it's just
something we do every year.
- It's called Fu Man...
- Choose Your Own Adventure.
Yeah.
I can't believe it's that
time of year again, huh?
I... I... I can't believe it.
Hey, maybe next
year you could join us.
Yeah.
Well, that's the whole thing.
But yeah.
I mean, maybe.
But...
- He could totally join us.
Yeah, I know, but
I'm talking about...
Maybe.
Heh.
Uh, excuse me, guys.
I gotta use the restroom.
Honey, OK, I'll...
I'll be right back.
- OK.
- Oh, that's so crazy.
I have to go too.
'K.
I'll try to sneak
a peek for you.
Don't do that.
Hey.
Hey There
How is everything?
Really good.
God, it's so funny you
asked, 'cause, uh, just, uh,
been doing good stuff.
Yeah, wow.
I can't believe you're
dating AC Slater.
That's crazy.
Well, actually,
his name is Mario...
Albert Clifford Slater.
No, I know his name.
Heh-heh.
It's so weird because
a few years ago, uh,
we were just on
your couch watching
"Saved by the Bell" reruns.
And now, I just can't believe
Slater's been inside you,
you know?
It's like... uh, but
what are the odds, huh?
I... I really don't
know the odds to that.
Everybody, can I
have your attention
for one second, please?
I think it's time we should
toast my beautiful girlfriend,
Amanda.
She... she passed the bar
today and is officially
a bloodsucking lawyer.
Hear, hear.
I just want to say,
in all seriousness,
that I'm so proud of you, hon.
And I'm proud of who I've
become since knowing you.
I know that I could spend
the rest of my life with you.
So, um...
Amanda will you marry me?
Yes!
Oh, my god, yes!
Who's ready for Fu Man
Choose Your Own Adventure?
Are we not playing today?
Guys could've sent an
email or something.
Awesome.
Nice boobs.
Morning.
Hey.
Hey.
I just saw a couple of
unsatisfied women out there.
Who disappointed
them last night?
Uh, I think maybe they're
disappointed in themselves.
This place, uh,
looks disgusting.
I'm glad you guys
cleaned up for the draft.
Hey, guys, how's it going?
How are you doing, David?
Good morning.
Uh, quick question.
Who was texting Casey last
night posing as my angry wife?
Let me explain to you
something about Casey, OK?
She is very young.
She's impressionable.
She believed I was
a state senator.
Why?
Because I have a beard.
Now, who did it?
No one?
OK, wow.
Guess what.
Vengeance will be mine.
Are you guys still
declaring vengeance?
What is that?
Are you guys, like, 15?
Hey.
What the fuck
happened to this place?
Pussypop!
Pussypop!
Hey, I'm a grown-ass
man with a family.
Y'all gotta stop calling
me Pussypop, man.
Hey, baby.
What's up, buttercup?
Oh, buttercup...
That's a new one.
Buttercup, I love you.
You guys haven't
changed one bit.
Thank you.
Not a compliment.
Oh, shit.
What's going on?
Barrett.
It's cool.
That's why we got
the backup generator.
"This is why
we got a backup generator."
They usually send a
final warning first.
They do.
All right, it's gonna be OK.
Just don't... I love you.
OK.
How's the wife, David?
Don't say "wife."
We haven't been to
his funeral yet.
Sorry, Pussypop.
Please stop acting like
my wedding was a funeral.
Miss you, Pussypop.
This is for you, home.
I'm alive!
Morning, dude.
Morning.
Good morning, sunshine.
Hey.
You feel out your baggy yet?
What the hell are
you talking about?
Mm.
Check your email, shemale.
Howie made a March
Madness tournament
of all the hot chicks
Mario Lopez has fucked.
Katherine is up against
the Victoria's Secret model
in the first round.
She's a two-seed.
Congrats, baby.
Does Howie ever actually
do any work at work?
Never.
Oh, we also just got the Evite
for Miles' big Halloween party.
What are we gonna be this year?
Uh, you know,
I'm... I don't want
to do a group costume again.
Nah.
We'll think of something cool.
Morning, Adam.
Hey, Mook.
Hey.
Are you guys going to be long?
Yeah, might be a few minutes.
Go for it.
Oh, thanks.
"Adam's Fantasy
Midseason Report Card?"
Very work-related, I'm sure.
Well, it helps me
get through the day,
so it's got to count
for something, huh?
Hey, Beth.
You going to Lyle's
Halloween party?
Guess that depends.
Are you guys going dressed
as the Spice Girls again?
Oh, for the record, I
immediately regretted that.
I didn't regret shit.
I'm Scary Spice
till I D-I-E, dawg.
Oh, god.
Um, are you gonna shave
your legs again this year?
Oh, well, not for Halloween.
All right, I'm out of here.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Sorry you have to think
about my legs right now.
Apology unaccepted.
So we are just openly
hitting on Beth now?
No, I'm just messing around.
Come on, she always
has a boyfriend anyway.
Never stopped me
before, big dog.
Up top.
I don't... I'm not
gonna high-five you.
Little pinkie?
- OK, fine, there.
- There you go.
There you go.
- Good, you happy?
Mm-hmm.
Adam, I was just
calling your desk.
I have a package for you.
Oh, cool.
So how was your weekend?
It was great.
I tried pineapple
for the first time.
So I've been wanting
to talk to you.
One of my friends from
college just moved here,
and she doesn't know anybody.
And so I was worrying if
any guys I worked with...
Wait, OK.
What does she do for a living?
She may be an actress.
OK, no.
We've been over this before.
Come on.
I know, but I really
think you'd like her.
I mean, I know you're super
begin into Asian girls,
but she's really pretty.
Wait, why do you think
I'm big into Asian girls?
Well, Mook showed me
a picture of your ex.
She's gorgeous... definitely
final four potential.
Yes.
Really?
All right, let me
help you with this.
Look at that thing.
Who's it from?
Says it's from you.
Oh, no, no, no wait!
Whoa, shit.
Sorry.
My roommate is declaring
vengeance on us.
Jamie,
called to... oh.
Hey.
What is that?
Is that for me or...
No, it's, uh, for me.
Or, I mean, it could
be... if you want it.
You don't want it.
- No, I don't want it.
- Of course you don't want it.
Um...
What is wrong with you guys?
Seriously.
What's your name?
Mook.
Mook, I'd expect this from you.
But you, Aaron?
Adam.
Adam?
You think that matters?
You're holding a...
A vase of dicks.
Point taken.
Come on!
It's a national lacrosse league.
This is disappointing.
Put those dicks somewhere.
Can he say... he'd
say that to us.
I'll take care of it.
I... you guys shouldn't
have to deal with this.
I have a... I have
a place for them.
Sorry.
- It's really inappropriate.
All right.
You smell so good.
You guys thirsty?
Hmm?
Everybody, I need your
attention up here to the stage.
Everyone, look at me.
All right!
How much do we love Halloween?
All right!
And the winner is
the Ghostbusters!
Hey.
Hey, how are you?
You guys were
robbed, by the way.
I know, yeah.
What made you guys decide
to be a group of turds?
Well, we were supposed
to California Raisins,
and you know that.
Yeah, I know.
That's actually pretty cool.
I haven't had a group
costume since college.
Smile.
Uh, cat and cat shit?
I guess you can't
say that anymore, huh?
Guess not.
Hey.
Oh, hey!
Hey.
Hey, you made it.
Um, Justin, Adam.
Adam, Justin.
I... I work with Adam.
Oh.
Hey, Adam.
Hey.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah, nice to meet you too, man.
Uh, what'd you come as?
Oh, uh...
Oh, he just... he came
straight from work.
Hey, you look thirsty.
What are you drinking?
Uh, I don't know.
Let's get this party started.
We'll do some Jagerbombs, huh?
Jagerbombs.
All right, you're
really taking me back.
I mean, while we're
at it, why don't we
get some Long Island Iced Teas?
Uh, you guys are joking.
Obviously you're kidding.
Yeah, I get it.
Uh, listen, um, just
order me whatever.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Hey, Ro.
What's going on?
I'm trying to have
a conversation.
You interrupted me.
Yeah, with the girl
and her boyfriend
who's like a grown man.
Look, look, look, that doesn't
even matter right now, OK?
What matters is is that Barrett
is talking shit to those hack
Ghostbusters over there.
It's about to get ugly, dude.
I ain't afraid
of no ghosts, man!
Oh, shit.
Oh, it's on!
OK, man.
You got Egon.
Wait.
Which one's Egon?
The black one?
No!
All right, sorry.
Um, it's even numbers, so
I'm gonna sit this one out.
Right here!
Right here!
Wait.
What?
- Your mustache.
- OK.
OK.
Adam, Adam, OK.
There are two horny
devils over there.
I'm gonna need you
to be my wingman.
Hey, hold on.
I want to go to talk Beth.
Wingman, dude!
What are you dressed... as some
kind of old-timey prostitute?
Unless you are a
modern prostitute.
Compliment!
Wait, Mook, no, don't.
Don't, Mook.
After-party our place!
South Central
does it like nobody does.
This is how we do it.
Something, something.
So it's 3:00 in the morning,
and you're at our house,
and you have a boyfriend.
Thanks for not
opening with that.
Gabrus, you smell like herb.
Gotta get your groove on.
Did you see that thing?
Howie.
Hey, hey, it's my landlord.
You're out.
Why do you like me?
Why don't you just like me?
I mean, this is
honestly an enormous shocker.
And I haven't received rent.
This is the third time
I've been here this month.
Your move.
You know, man.
I mean, what is this?
That's it.
I'm done.
OK, the bad news is,
that was the landlord.
Barrett didn't mail our rent.
So we're evicted.
But, uh, the good news is, we
ain't got nothing left to lose!
Crank up the music, Mooker!
Let's fucking go!
Go!
Go!
Go!
Yeah!
Whoa.
What's going on?
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Where are you going?
I'm fucking out of here, dude.
No, no.
You were in with the toad.
You've done so
much worse before.
Come on.
- Not tonight, dude.
Come on.
What's the matter?
Nothing's the matter, dude.
I'm just not fucking
feeling it, all right?
I'm just... I'm... I'm done
wasting time, all right?
Wasting what?
What?
Man, we're always
living like this,
like we're still living
like we're in college.
What's wrong with college?
Listen to me, man.
We're getting evicted, dude.
And my brother's
getting married.
My boss thinks I'm a pervert.
Newsflash... he's kinda right.
Should I call my
girlfriend for some device?
Oh, no, I can't do
that, because she's
dating a superstar celebrity.
And guess what I am?
A California Raisin.
Hey, we are all raisins, baby!
Yeah, we are all raisins.
Raisins for life.
You're not supposed
to be happy about that
is my whole point, is that
we're all raisins, and great.
That's not a good fucking thing.
We live every day, and every
day is always the same,
day in and day out, right?
We're going to bars.
We get into bar fights.
We go into karaokes.
We do karaoke sings, OK?
I work for lacrosse, dude.
And that's not cool.
It was supposed to be a stepping
stone, but now it's my career.
I... I try to meet a girl.
I can't do that, OK?
What about the girl that
works in my office, Beth?
She doesn't want to go out
with a guy who can't put
on his shoulders.
She doesn't want to go
out with a guy who doesn't
have a nice watch collection.
I have one watch.
It's rubber and it's orange.
And I don't even know
where it is, dude.
I have no dentist, OK?
I don't know how to
open a bottle of wine.
I try to open up
a bottle of wine.
Every time I try to
open a bottle of wine,
the cork goes in the wine.
And I'm always like,
who gives a shit?
I'll... I'll drink
this shit anyway.
And...
What the fuck
are you talking about?
I'll tell you right now.
I... I fucking have a
cork inside me right now.
And I'm gonna... and right now
is the moment where I'm going
to start to give a shit.
Because I don't... I'm not going
to have a cork in me anymore,
and I'm done.
Wait, are you breaking
up with us, dude?
Yeah, I think I... I think I
am breaking up with you guys.
Because we could
use some time apart.
Wow.
You son of a bitch!
All right, dude.
What?
You're drunk.
You don't want to say something
right now that you're not
going to be able to take back.
Hey, you know what?
I'm done with this.
I'm done with totes.
I'm done with "This Is How
We Do It," MONTELL Jordan.
Oh, no, no.
You leave MONTELL out of this.
Shots fired.
Don't you dare.
- That is not good.
- Don't you fucking dare, Adam.
That is not good.
OK, so you're just
going to walk away
after all the
laughs we've had and
after everything I sacrificed.
You're just going to walk away.
Oh, you sacrifice it?
Yeah, yeah, I sacrifice.
I don't have a fucking
dentist either, man.
My teeth hurt like shit!
That's my whole point.
It's over.
You're over!
It's over!
So, uh, listen.
I, um... I want to
apologize about last night.
I know I said some...
Heh... harsh things.
But I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.
Well, I accept your apology.
Consider every word
you said taken back.
That's actually the thing
about that, is that, um,
there were parts that I... I
do still kind of agree with,
and one of them being
that I think maybe we
spend too much time together.
And, uh, we should break up.
Adam's just not that into us.
No, dude.
Look.
Have any of us changed at all
since we've met each other?
Yes!
Howie's fatter now.
Significantly fatter.
Yeah, I did it on purpose.
OK, can I weigh in
here for a second?
Jesus.
Howie, you've never
been promoted ever.
Well, I don't think my job
really does that sort of thing.
They do that at your job.
They do that at every job.
Every job has promotions.
Every job has promotions.
You're not a prostitute.
There's somewhere to go.
Barrett, you quit college
to join a dart league.
Yes, I did.
And we won.
So it was worth it.
Totally not worth it.
And Mook, you know, you
work at the lacrosse thing.
But I still don't
really know what
you want to do with your life.
I just want to dance.
Exactly.
Mook wants to dance.
And he wouldn't... what?
What?
I didn't say anything.
You want to dance.
Homo.
OK, that's homophobic.
Not cool.
But I think... I think
that Adam has a point.
You guys definitely
need a break from this.
Of course, you'd never
be able to do it.
But, you know.
Wait, are you challenging us?
Yeah, I'm challenging
you, Barrett.
- Challenge accepted.
- OK.
Are there rules?
What are the rules?
You guys want to see the rules?
OK, well, I brought the rules.
What is that?
These are the rules.
These are the breakup contract.
When did you write that?
Well, when Adam
called me last night,
I couldn't really go to sleep.
So I drew this up.
I knew that the only way
you guys would pay attention
if I made this shit official.
So here it is, OK?
First up, all
communication cut off.
This shit's not going to
happen forever, right?
So I figure six months is a
good time for the breakup.
My wedding is in six months.
It seems like a natural end.
And listen, I know
getting evicted sucks.
But I worked that
into the contract, OK?
It's going to help
the break up a ton.
The three of you, I'll
find you all sublets.
Adam, you can move in
with me and Amanda.
Ha, your marriage is doomed.
I think I'll help.
OK, OK, OK.
What kind of cool shit
do we get if we win?
I'm glad you asked
that, Barrett.
There's a place on 9th Street.
I have this stuff on lockdown.
I'm good friends with the owner,
and he gave me first dibs.
- What?
- Yeah.
It's not even available till
the spring, and it's amazing.
Four bedrooms,
two baths, a dozen
bars within walking distance.
I would honestly move in
there myself if I wasn't...
Making a huge mistake?
I was going to
say happily living
in a valley with my fiancee.
And this could be
for us, like, to live.
Like, we can live there?
Now, listen.
If this is going to work,
there needs to be consequences,
and you guys need to
be horrified of them.
I think if you break the
rules for the first time,
I cancel fantasy football.
You're not gonna do that.
I'm just getting started.
If you break the rules a second
time, this place is gone.
Just erase it from your mind.
And my bachelor party
is off, and I'm throwing
- a jack and Jill party instead.
- The fuck is that?
I don't even
know what those are.
Yeah, what is that?
It's when the bride and groom
have their parties together.
- What?
- Nobody does that.
- Do people do that?
- That's bad for you.
That's not even
a real thing, man.
And if you break
it a third time,
I'm going to make my
wedding a cash bar.
And you could say goodbye
to fantasy baseball.
Oh, my... I hate you, David.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What the fuck?
- What are you doing, man?
- Chill.
I'm upset too.
I'm upset too.
I have another question.
Yes, sir.
Why are you doing this?
I don't know, guys.
I think that it's a great thing.
I think you guys have all
been like my older brothers.
And I would just like
the see you all grow up.
All of you.
Just a little.
I mean, look, you know?
I think that some of
this stuff is harsh,
but I think it should be harsh.
I... I think that
this is a good idea.
I think that we should do it.
Adam, this is insane.
This is really crazy.
If you're trying to act like
you're just whispering to me,
they can here you anyways.
So just talk louder.
This is madness!
- Lower your voice.
- Is this a good level?
- Fuck split the difference.
- Is this a good level?
That's good.
Look, Adam.
Please.
I'll change.
I'll change.
I'll do whatever you want.
I'll do all the fucking
things you like,
and I won't stop
until you say no.
Just don't leave me!
Don't leave me in the
fucking dust, man!
Just please don't.
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
Shit.
You know, maybe we
should try the breakup.
You really think I
should go three wide?
That's not desperate?
I mean, it depends
on who's on your team.
But yeah.
You know, I mean, it's a
passing league now, right?
So if your fantasy football
team is running a flex position,
then you got to add
a third receiver.
Yeah, you know why
it's a passing league?
Because nobody wants
to get hit anymore.
Right?
Heh?
Huh?
Like lacrosse... minimal
padding, sweat, dirt,
hardcore athleticism.
None of that pussy football
princess crap, right?
Right.
Real men get concussions, man.
Lacrosse.
Wow, that should be our motto.
Yeah.
Real men get concussions, man.
Fucking lacrosse.
Hell yeah.
- Wow.
You can't say "fuck."
- No?
Sponsored stuff, you can't...
OK.
Right, well, all right.
Right.
That's why you're in PR.
And I'm the boss.
- Right.
- Right?
- Right.
OK.
Good talk, man.
Good talk.
Real men... real men
get concussions, man.
Right, or something like that.
But yeah.
Real men get concussions, yo.
Lacrosse, damn!
That's a little urban, but...
Damn!
- Something like that, yeah.
- Just do it.
OK.
Damn!
That is.
Holy shit, dude.
Did you go shopping?
You are fucking
good-looking, my man.
Guess I never really appreciated
that when we were together.
Hey, what was going on
with you and RICHTMAN?
Are you in trouble, dude?
No, he just sat down
and started talking
to me like a real person.
First time ever.
Yeah, I bet it's
because you hot as shit.
Did he ask about my report?
I was rushed.
I also technically
didn't do any research.
Uh, yeah, didn't come up.
Oh.
OK.
Well, what did he ask about?
It's not healthy, dude.
Shouldn't say.
Oh, just tell me, man.
Fine.
We were talking about
fantasy football.
Oh.
You were?
Wow.
Uh, OK.
How was it?
Was it good?
How's his team?
Is he better than me?
Wasn't better than you.
Just different.
You now what?
Fine!
Be with RICHTMAN!
I never liked talking fantasy
with you, anyway, Adam.
I faked it!
Faked it every single time!
Sorry.
It's all right.
It's OK.
Hey, Adam.
I'm just going around...
Hey.
Hey.
Um, I'm just going
around getting people
for kickball on the weekends.
Should I just mark you down
as definitely too hungover
to attend as usual?
Well, you don't really mark
it down like that, do you?
Oh, yeah.
No, I do, absolutely.
Uh, all right.
Well, not today, because
I'm trying new things.
So I'll be there.
All right.
That's, um... that's a good
look you got going on today.
You look nice.
Thanks.
Hey, Jamie.
Uh, listen I, uh...
I changed my mind.
You can tell your lonely
actress friend that,
uh, I'd love to take her out.
Oh, my god, that's so exciting.
We could double date.
Double date.
Oh, well, who are you
gon... oh, uh, you know.
Um, about Barrett...
He, uh... actually...
Yeah, I've been texting him,
and I haven't heard back.
Did he die?
Because that keeps
happening to me.
No, he didn't die.
So I'll just keep on texting
him then if he's not dead.
Um, question.
Uh, yeah?
Where do you think Barrett
stands on the whole unicorn
philosophy?
What Phil...
Do you think he's into it?
Or do you think he's against it?
Uh, I don't know.
I think maybe he's
not too into unicorns.
But, I mean, that
can be negotiable.
I guess anything is negotiable.
I totally thought so.
Right.
Yes.
I'm so excited you're
gonna go out with Krista.
This is awesome.
And she's not your
typical actress girl.
She's great.
She's like the most
normal person I now.
Mm.
I'm having the best time.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
Once I told Jamie that I
over my black-guy phase,
she was all like,
I'm gonna set you up.
And there you are.
Here you are.
- Oh, yeah.
OK.
They say you once you go
black, you never go back.
Well, you do once
your parents threaten
to take away your inheritance.
Now, I'm kidding.
I just don't want
to be a stepmom.
Oh.
Oh.
That's... that's so racist.
That's...
So enough about me.
I want to know about you, OK?
Tell me everything.
Everything.
OK.
Um, uh, well, I was just...
I was born outside of LA.
Oh my god, we should
just get crazy right now!
Am I right?
Oh, my god.
Can we have two butter nipples?
Not these.
Those.
Hey, do you want a head shot?
Oh, I don't... I
don't think a head...
Don't I look like such a
whore but in the best way?
Right.
You know what I'm saying?
That's all yours.
I don't need this.
I'm not really...
Yeah, most of the
special skills on the back
are total bullshit.
I do not speak French.
I do not kayak.
The last thing on
there... that's true.
How is... how is "no
gag reflex" something
that's considered something that
you would put on this paper?
I don't...
- I'll show you.
So you just...
- No, no, no.
Uh-huh.
Oh, OK, I get it.
Hmm?
I get it.
Tada.
- Mm.
- Right?
Your hands smell a little
weird, but you get over it.
- Cool.
- How's this?
Uh...
Mm!
I hate beer.
I forgot.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Woo!
So good.
Ha-ha-ha.
So, uh, you got your, uh,
car in valet too, or...
Oh, no, no.
I cannot drive.
I am so drunk.
Hey, let's just go
back to your place.
Um, you know what?
I probably shouldn't... I
probably shouldn't do that,
because, uh...
- No, come on!
Take me to your
place, you bitch!
This is your car?
Yeah.
This is it?
I'm getting in.
Oh, god!
I'm sorry.
Oh, that butt.
Oh, that butt.
- Hey, you know what?
I don't think we can do this.
I don't have protection on me.
Oh.
Good thing you said
something, because I do.
OK.
Always.
What, do you just
have those on you?
We are so gonna fuck!
Shh, shh.
My brother and his fiancee
are in the next room,
so we have to be quiet, OK?
Do you want them to catch?
- Of fucking course not!
- I'm totally.
No, no way..
Stay there.
- OK.
- Stay there,.
- Oh, Jesus.
Ugh!
This... this is happening?
Oh, it is fucking
happening, mister!
Ready?
- Yeah.
Oh, are you serious?
Fucking aah!
Get ready for the
ride of your life,
because I watch a
fuckload of porn!
How do you like this?
Take it!
No.
Can you breathe?
Take it.
I'm not gonna pee on you.
I hope that's cool with you.
It reminds of an ex.
You're legitimately
scaring the shit out of me.
You have your yellow fever shot?
Uh...
Because you are about to
enter the fucking jungle.
Yeah!
What is it?
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Hey, for real?
Braise yourself.
Time to feed the tiger.
No!
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Rah!
Oh, fuck.
Good morning!
Hey.
Hey, um, what
happened last night?
Because I never get
that drunk, like, ever.
Did you, um, roofie me maybe?
You're just so naughty.
You must've worked
up an appetite,
so I'm going to
make you eggs, OK?
Oh.
And speaking of eggs, there's
a lot going on down here.
So maybe the condom broke.
One can hope, right?
Oh, hey, guys.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Go back to bed.
Go back to bed.
You don't need to,
uh, be up this early.
I can make you
breakfast, seriously.
- Oh, that's sweet.
- Really?
That's sweet.
An old-school Adam omelette?
I'm down.
Yeah, well, it's the
least I can do, you know?
I mean, just relax.
Go back to bed, really.
What's going on in my kitchen?
Go, my go... my god.
Um, it, uh, just kinda happened.
Um...
What is on her ass?
What is that?
Yeah, it's of, uh, a tiger.
Um...
Oh.
Oh.
Is that why we heard growling
and crying last night?
Because I thought you
were just watching
Animal Planet stoned again.
No.
No.
Well, uh... when you...
She bounces up and down...
Don't.
Stop.
Oh, my god.
What did you do?
Her ass cheeks go like this,
and a tiger goes like this.
Oh, my god.
Oh.
I don't... oh, my god!
- Come on.
- You know what?
Tell her to get some
underwear on, OK?
OK.
I'll handle it, baby.
I will handle it with care.
Hey, but seriously.
What?
Tell me everything.
When you do
doggy style with her... when
you do doggy style with her...
- Right.
It looks like the tiger's
going like... it looks like
the tiger's going like this.
I see what's
happening, 'cause it's
like... it's kind of
like the cartoon tiger,
except it's hornier.
Yeah, have you ever
seen that YouTube
video where the panda sneezes?
Yeah.
It's like that, only
with a tiger butt.
It's with an
asshole for a mouth.
All right.
No.
What?
No!
No!
I need a good toss
from you, honey.
Take five.
Hey, you came.
You know, I thought that this
was gonna like an ironic thing.
But you guys really take
this seriously, huh?
Yeah, some of us
more than others.
You should stretch
before we start.
I'm not kidding. you
will thank me later, OK?
OK.
Yeah, stretch.
Jesus.
Hey.
What the hell are
you doing here, man?
Just trying something new.
What are you doing?
I always wanted to be a part
of my office kickball league.
It's one of my dreams.
So here I am.
Heh.
But unlike you, I'm... I'm
doing it with some dignity.
You're wearing jean
shorts to a kickball game?
I mean, heh-heh.
You know what?
I just kind of decided I... I
was too old to have jeans with
holes in them, and I just...
Oh, my god.
Yeah?
These were your cool jeans.
Your amazing cool jeans
that I worship that
had the most perfect
hole right in the knee...
A hole that you earned.
You cut those jeans
into jean shorts?
Who are you, man?
I don't... I don't
know who you are.
It's really not a big deal, man.
I don't know why... why you're
getting all bent out of shape.
Yeah, well, just so you know,
OK, whenever I close my eyes,
I'm going to picture
you in your cool jeans.
OK.
Not any fucking jean shorts, OK?
How about this?
Uh, we're broken
up, and we actually
shouldn't be talking,
much less closing our eyes
and thinking about each other.
That's super fucking weird.
Well, here's the other
thing about my mind, man.
I don't really care about
your stupid little contract.
OK.
In my mind, I
don't care about it.
Well, in my mind, I
care about the contract.
So how do you explain that?
Well, in my mind, we're not
talking about that at all.
We're continuing the
conversation about the jeans.
In my mind, the conversation
shifted into a different thing.
Well, in my mind, it didn't.
In my mind, it's about,
uh, 20 minutes long.
And in the midst of that
conversation in my mind,
you apologize for cutting your
jeans into stupid fucking jean
shorts.
And then also in my mind, I
don't accept your apology.
I don't accept your
apology in my mind!
Well, in my mind, you
accepted the apology.
You... you totally graciously
accept the apology.
And you were even a
little bit... you bowed.
You were a little bit
Japanese about it.
How's that?
Jesus.
Howie!
What are you doing?
Oh!
Hey!
What the hell, man?
Where are you going?
Howie?
Howie?
I got it!
- Hey, man, how's it going?
- You're not gonna run to second?
Huh?
No.
No, no, no.
I'm not gonna do that.
Oh.
Hey, I'm sorry
about before, man.
Yeah, don't worry about it, man.
It's all good.
Hey, hey, hey.
We don't want to
make this weird.
No, of course not.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Woo!
That's game, you guys.
Hey, Beth, thanks for today.
That was fun.
- Yeah!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, are you going to
come to Big Wangs?
Oh, Wangers?
You... you guys are
going to Wangers?
Heh.
Nobody calls it that.
But yeah, we go every Saturday.
Cool.
Yeah, I'm in.
I knew it.
I mean, deep down, you know
it's an athletic ability.
I mean, I haven't kicked
a ball since eighth grade,
but I've been
competitive-drinking
since ninth.
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt, but did
you lose a business card?
No I don't...
No, you didn't,
because that one's mine.
Call me.
That's a good move, man.
I got to do that.
Perhaps some business cards.
Holy shit, dude.
Adam!
You two know each other?
Uh, I mean...
Shit, yeah, we do.
This is Adam Bomb right here.
Right, Adam Bomb.
Adam Bomb!
Like the bomb.
Adam Bomb, like
the atom bomb, dude.
Exactly.
Great to see you, man.
You gonna introduce
me to your friend?
Uh, Beth, Butler.
Hi.
It's very nice to meet you.
Butler's not my
first name, though.
I only give my first
name out to women
I'm about to have sex with.
It's Andrew.
Wow.
I'm going to go to
the ladies' room.
Want to meet me back there?
Don't knock, you know?
Just... just blaze right in.
I absolutely will.
God, that's never
actually worked before.
- Right.
- Shit, man.
So how's it been going
since high school?
Do people still
call you Adam Bomb?
Uh, no.
Nobody really called
me that but you.
No, man, no.
Other people called you that.
Well, you bullied
them into that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Shit, man, I was good at that.
Good at... there's no
good at bullying, really.
It's just bad.
No, you can be good
at bullying, man.
- Yeah?
- Oh, hello.
Were you the guy
that ordered these?
Yes, I was.
Thank you very much.
Oh, my... oh.
Oh, shit.
My god, I am so sorry, ma'am.
I didn't mean to...
Oh, my god.
I totally meant to do that.
That was for you, buddy.
What?
I saw some nipple in there.
Did you see some nipple?
I wasn't really
looking at her nipples.
I totally saw a nipple.
Hey, check it out.
I'm gonna leave this
one here for you.
I only get two so I can
come 'em on the ladies.
- Oh.
- Great to see you, man.
Look.
Butler and the Bomb, man.
We have got to hang out.
That's my information.
You give me a call.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom,
because I don't know
if your lady friend was kidding
about wanting to fuck me,
but I am not going to
take that chance, OK?
OK.
Great seeing you.
Oh, Jesus.
Fuck.
Is the coast clear?
Yeah, you're safe.
That was weird.
Yep.
You should totally
hang out with that guy.
He's got a great card.
I don't know.
I've done some
awful things, but I
don't think I could
ever be as douchey
as one of those finance guys.
You know Justin's
in finance, right?
Oh.
Yeah.
I mean, they're not all douches.
I was just...
No, they are.
All of them.
'Sup?
Hmm?
We're texting Barrett now?
How the hell did you know?
Well, I mean, I'm the best.
I'm a mind reader.
And I also took your
phone and changed
all the guys' numbers
to mine, 'cause I
knew you were gonna crack.
Oh, come on.
It was a moment of
weakness, all right?
It won't happen again.
OK.
And who texts "'sup" anyway?
What are you, 15?
So what's going on?
Do you not know what
to do with yourself?
Uh, I don't know.
You need to try new things.
You need to meet new people.
Have you tried anything
new since the breakup?
Yeah, I played kickball.
OK.
I fed a tiger.
Good!
Good, that's something.
You would've never
gone to the zoo
if you were still hanging
out... never mind, I got it.
We should make a list.
Uh, I'm not really
a list guy, you know?
Adam.
OK.
Uh, let's make a list.
I'm proud of myself.
This list is coming
along really well.
We got "get contacts,"
'cause you need 'em.
Get shirts that fit.
And, uh, get off our
family plan, man.
You're 30 years old.
Yeah.
Oh, also, I want you to put
down "have a threesome," too,
because if I have to put down
and figure out what I'm going
to do with my life, then
I want to have something
to look forward to as well.
- I'll put down threesome.
Why are... what
are we doing here?
Here you go.
Thanks.
Oh, my god.
That... I love this.
Do you have to display
them like we're...
What is this?
That's so cute, dude!
Look at this.
You're so cute here, for real.
That's the cutest
thing I've ever seen.
This looks like it would
be on the back of a... like,
on a Spanish textbook.
And this is how you'd learn
the word "happy" for Spanish.
I want to get 70 of these and
line my wall in then so when
I wake up I'm super happy.
Do not put that on my account.
Hey.
Hey, what's up?
Hi, Beth.
Good morning.
- Morning.
What are you, uh... what
are you working on?
Uh, if I tell you about
it, you promise you're
not going to laugh at me?
No.
OK, deal.
I'm not allowed to post on any
of our fantasy message boards
anymore.
So I just kind of started
this thing where I... I mean,
I guess it's a blog... where
I just write about sports...
Like baseball, football.
Lacrosse.
Well, no, not lacrosse.
People don't give
a shit about that.
But yeah, it's
just like for fun.
Like, I just write it to
get it out of my brain.
I mean, nobody really sees it.
Well, we should fix that.
OK.
Um, you need, like, keywords.
Like, Lakers, Yankees, boobs.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know about
what you're doing,
but I was going
to suggest boobs.
Yeah, because you can never
go wrong with boobs, right?
Right.
Well, that should... should help.
Oh, wait.
One second.
What are you doing now?
Just emailed it to myself.
Oh, nice.
I grew up with some pretty
die-hard Niners fans,
so I thought I'd send it to
them to see if you actually
know what you're talking about.
OK.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh, hey, so thanks for setting
me up with Krista, but...
Oh yeah, whatever, she's crazy.
Hey, have you spoken to Barrett?
Uh, as a matter of
fact, no, I haven't
talked to Barrett at all.
Oh.
That's good.
He's just a hard guy to
get a hold of right now.
OK, cool.
Talk to you later.
Bye!
Look, I feel really guilty
meeting up with you like this,
but I really have no choice.
You followed?
No, I don't think so.
Can't be too sure.
We should probably
speak in code.
The black scorpion
awaits in the dark.
What... what are
you talking about?
Is this about the man
in the green beret?
Who?
Dude, you texted secret meeting.
I thought that means
we speak in code,
like some bad-ass spy shit.
OK, but you got to
be more specific.
I don't know about
that shit... spy shit.
- Come on.
- Why?
Is that why you look
like Bruno Mars?
It's kind of a good look.
Oh, no.
Anyways, what's up?
Well, look.
There's this girl at work, Beth.
And she's been
unusually flirty lately.
And I just... I
think recently, she
broke up with her boyfriend.
And I just don't... I don't
know what I should do.
OK, so you like her?
Uh, I don't know, man.
I mean, yeah, she's like
the perfect girl, you know?
She's... she's smart.
She's huge.
She looks great in
a pair of shorts.
That's good.
Sometimes when I have
to make a decision,
I'll think about what
Beth, would maybe
think the right decision
was, and then I would
gear my decision towards that.
The other day, I was
at this crosswalk.
And I was waiting
to cross the street.
And I caught myself daydreaming
just about her laugh
and about how cute Christmas
year her voice was.
And I just... I totally
missed two walk signals.
I don't know.
If you're asking me
now, I guess I haven't
really thought about it.
So I just... I don't really
have an answer for you.
OK.
Christmasy voice, huh?
Here's what you got to do.
If she's newly
single, that means
you're not the only guy waiting
in the wings ready to pounce.
You got to make a bold move.
Can't just be another
shoulder for her to cry on.
Not if you want her to
pounce on something else.
I'm talking about your penis.
No, I know.
There's really no
other way to take that.
You're homophobic if
you don't hold my hand.
You're homophobic if
you don't hold my hand.
Do I look like
I've gained weight?
Yeah.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
Whoa, whoa!
See, I told you
we were being followed.
What the hell are you
guys doing together?
Uh, what the hell are you
guys doing together, huh?
We were having a secret meeting,
and it was totally Adam's fault!
Hey.
Aha!
Don't "aha" me.
You guys are together
too, so what's going on?
Well, we were having
a secret meeting
about your secret meeting.
Oh, really?
And how the fuck did
you guys find out?
Because Barrett tweeted,
"Super secret meeting,
undisclosed location.
Spy, bad-ass style."
140 characters, got it in.
Why are you following
me on Twitter still?
We broke up.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're so broken up.
I trusted you, Adam.
I trusted you!
All right, don't
make that about trust.
No, no, no.
- No, come on, no.
No, you knew.
You know, know, know,
know, know, know, know.
Hey, hey!
Stop!
Look!
Listen!
We all know, know,
know, know, know.
OK?
But look.
We made a mistake.
But we're all guilty.
Yes.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
OK.
I get you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, so what do we do now?
Well, we don't
tell David about it.
That's for sure.
It's best that David
stays out of it, right?
Right.
Yeah.
You guys do whatever
you gotta do.
Excuse me, boys.
- Where are you going?
- Barrett.
Barrett, where are you going?
Oh.
Wow.
Stay strong, guys, you know?
Just... we don't
need to go in there.
This is wrong.
This is so wrong.
Oh.
Mook.
Barrett,.
I'm gonna walk over
there, man, you know?
Just walk over there,
see what happens.
Howie.
Fuckin'... Howie.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
What's up?
- Hey.
- Hi.
I haven't seen you forever.
How you been?
Ugh.
It's good to see
you back together.
Oh, we're not back together.
We're just kinda...
Nah, no, we just got drunk.
Yeah, I don't know if
I'm... I'm ready to just
dive back in again, you know?
OK.
So are we back together again?
Oh, well, well,
well, well, well.
David, this isn't
what it looks like.
Really, Howie?
Because it looks to me like you
guys all went out last night,
got shit hammered,
and now you're
eating breakfast in
the same filthy clothes
you were wearing
the night before.
How did you... how do
you know we're here?
Well, when you guys broke
up, I got this made up.
Gave it to all the
bars around town.
Really?
I look awesome in this photo.
Yeah, it's a good photo.
Who ratted?
Pretty much all of them.
You guys must have had a
crazy night last night.
And also the fact
that someone texted
me a picture of their scrotum
at 5:00 in the morning
didn't really help matters.
Whose scrotum?
I don't know, Mook.
It wasn't wearing a name tag.
Look, guys.
I understand that
this is hard for you.
Unfortunately, you
all should have
been somewhere else last night.
Do you just carry
the breakup contract
around with you at all times?
It's weird.
It's really weird.
Well, I'm sorry, you guys.
But you have to say goodbye
to fantasy football.
All money will be
refunded immediately.
And unfortunately,
since this all
started with a secret
meeting... thanks for the tweet,
Barrett... two violations
have occurred.
Come on, dude.
I'm sorry to say the place
on 9th Street is... is gone.
And I'm going to give
Amanda the jack and Jill
party she's always wanted.
I hate when you say those words.
It's discussing.
It's so fucking lame.
Stay away from each
other, I'm telling you
guys, because if I
catch you one more time,
you're gonna be paying
for booze at my wedding,
and fantasy baseball
will disappear.
Oh, you are drunk with power!
You have a problem!
Hey, David, guess what.
That was my scrotum!
Yeah.
Heh.
There you go, bro.
Just... I'm sorry.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
You-hoo-hoo.
I almost marked you down for
too hungover to consider it.
Very funny.
What happened to you last night?
Well, let's see.
I went out with
some girlfriends.
We went drinking and dancing.
And I think I may have
done some more drinking.
I'm not going to Wangers today.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, nobody calls it that.
So you're gonna take it easy?
Yeah, I... I want
to take it easy.
I could take it easy too.
What are we doing?
What are we doing?
Yeah, me and you.
We're at a park.
They got a lot of cool, like,
trees we could lay under.
We could walk around.
We could go on... rowboats?
They have rowboats.
Did you know they
have rowboats here?
That's awesome.
Let's do that.
No.
Yeah, for sure.
We're doing it.
I guess it does look like fun.
Aah, fuck!
Ha ha ha!
All right, I think
it's your turn to row.
What?
We just got out here.
I know, but it's like it's
exercise disguised as fun,
and I don't like that.
Oh, guess what.
My dad is a fan of your blog.
Oh.
Cool.
You know, it's funny.
I think that a lot of
people are actually reading
my stuff now because of you.
No, they're reading
it because it's good.
But you have to
keep updating it,
and then more
people will read it.
I would, but I got... like,
I'm really... I'm just so busy,
you know?
Like I got, like, uh, work.
And now, um, I got this
rowboat hobby that I'm doing.
Um, hey, why don't you
break up with Justin?
I'm sorry, what?
Is it 'cause you...
He's, like, the kinda
guy that doesn't wear a costume
at a Halloween party or what?
No.
Well, kinda.
I don't... I don't know.
Maybe we could
hang out sometime.
I mean, do you like sushi?
There's a really cool
place that opened up.
I mean, I just broke
up with him last week.
Guess somebody got
you already, huh?
Are you being serious right now?
I am.
I just... you know,
you're single now.
And I just felt
like it was probably
a good time to get in there.
Not in there.
Not like that.
But, uh, you know.
Ever since I've known
you, you've... you've just
gone from guy to guy.
Heh-heh.
I don't mean it like that.
That's a terrible
way to say it too.
Look, I just... it's
been a long time
since I've done something
like this in the daylight
and just sober.
I've definitely never
done it in a rowboat,
so please cut me some slack.
You know, while you're
not totally off base,
I guess I've... I've been in
relationship after relationship
ever since college, you know?
And it's... it's hard
to figure out who
you are as a whole
when you've always
been part of something else.
Does that make any sense?
Yeah.
Uh, I mean, it makes
total sense, you know?
That's why I broke
up with my friends.
With your friends?
It's just a stupid thing
that we're doing, you know?
Oh, I get it.
That's where you're
playing kickball.
You're on the rebound.
Heh-heh.
So listen, I... I didn't... I
didn't mean to screw this up.
I'm just... look, I like... I
like hanging out with you.
And I like talking
to you about stuff.
And I just figure, I don't know.
Hey, look, we're both
in the same boat, right?
Oh, my god.
I know, that was super corny.
Even when I said it, I
knew it was too much, but...
Oh, my god, Adam.
There is a guy
masturbating over there!
- Holy shit.
- Oh.
Oh.
- You dropped the oars?
- Paddle.
Paddle, paddle.
Hey, you guys.
How you doing?
Uh, pretty good.
How are you, man?
I'm great.
You look like a cute couple.
How long you been together?
We're not really going
out together, you know?
We just have a, um...
She's not really ready.
She's, uh...
I'm not... I'm not ready.
So, um, we can...
Timing is everything.
When I first moved
out here in my 20s,
I wanted to go out every
night and paint the town red.
I was dating this girl.
Her idea of a perfect evening
was to stay home with a bottle
of wine, listen to Johnny Cash.
Now I'm older.
Oh, god.
And that's all I want to do.
Mm.
That girl... she's long gone.
She was the right girl.
Just the wrong time.
That's really sad, man.
That's sad, huh?
Adam, move the boat!
Oh, hey.
Uh, yeah.
Thanks, man.
Uh, so we... we probably got
to get out of here, so...
You need a hand?
Oh, no, thanks.
No... no hands.
Wow, so this guy was just
whacking it in plain view?
Tastes amazing.
Yeah, he was just
standing there thumbing his
dick, like, all casually
like he was reading a book.
Wow.
You have to admire
that, you know?
Just to be so free.
I can't imagine.
I could never do that, you know?
And I'm engaged now.
That's probably one
thing that I can't do.
You know, jerk off in public...
I probably can't do that.
Are you nervous about
the wedding, man?
No, not at all.
Why?
I mean, maybe a little.
Why?
Where are you?
Um, I'm actually gonna
pick up some food right now.
Do you want me to bring home
dinner for you and Amanda?
Uh, no, no.
We're watching our weight.
Mm!
And... and hey, could... could you
actually not come home tonight?
Yeah, it's just, we could kinda
use the place to ourselves...
Just the two of us, you know?
Oh, you're such a romantic.
Yeah, I'll just...
I'll stay in my room.
No, seriously, man.
We haven't... we haven't had
sex since you've moved in.
It's the truth.
She can't do it knowing that
you're in the next room.
So please?
Just don't come home tonight.
Just please don't, you know?
Or just do something else.
Well, what the hell
am I supposed to do?
I can't even hang
out with anybody.
No, Adam.
You're not allowed to hang
out with three guys, OK?
So just do something,
anything, please.
I can't talk right now.
I'm in the middle of some really
important wedding shit, OK?
Babe, the rocky road one?
Marshmallows in cake?
Don't come home.
All right.
Oh, god damn!
Adam fucking Bomb, man.
It is so good to have you, man.
Thanks for calling.
Yeah, thanks for having me.
Hey, do you want of this?
Uh, oh, no, thank you.
I'm good.
It's cocaine.
No, no, I definitely
know what it is.
But I don't...
- You don't do cocaine?
You don't want some of this?
- I know.
Shh.
Don't... I... I'm all good.
Thank you.
This place is fucking
awesome, right?
Yeah, it's pretty good.
That's Andrea.
She's a model.
Very cool.
I don't know what she models,
but her skin is amazing.
Touch it.
Oh, no, I can see it.
That's... that's nice.
No, no, no, she doesn't mind.
Go ahead, touch her skin.
- OK.
No, don't pat it.
Like, touch it.
- Oh, like...
- Yeah, get in there.
Yeah.
- OK.
OK.
Honestly, after seeing
someone like her,
I understand why you would
cut somebody else's skin
off and wear it as your own.
Oh, my god!
No, don't worry about it, man.
I'm not actually gonna do that.
Yeah, good!
Look, man.
Be fucking cool, all right?
This is my joint.
OK.
I'll... I'll just... I'll
be calm from here on out.
I'm just fucking with you, man.
- Ha.
- I got you.
Oh, you got me?
I got you, Adam Bomb, man!
Let's do a lap.
OK.
Just like old times, right?
Yeah, kinda.
I mean, we didn't really
hang out that much, but...
Hey.
Do you remember that time senior
year, Mr. York's physics class?
I stole that answer key, copied
it, and gave it to everybody.
And it turns out it was from,
like, three years before.
And we all failed, and that
one Asian kid killed himself?
Yeah.
I can't get that
kid out of my head.
That kid still haunts my dreams.
Do you remember his name?
Uh, no.
It was Daniel Fu.
How do you forget that?
Oh, right.
Do you remember his face?
Yeah.
I remember what he looked like.
OK.
I do too.
Daniel Fu... now I
remember his name.
Daniel Fu.
God damn it, I miss high school.
I fucking ruled that place.
Yeah.
This one's for you, Fu.
I'll never go away.
Hey, bitches love
dancing, right?
Yeah, yeah, they do.
Hey, here's the thing.
I don't want you to fuck any
of these girls, all right?
You're definitely
going to get hep C.
- Huh.
- I'm just kidding.
Oh.
You can fuck them.
Hep C is treatable
with antibiotics.
Either way, you know?
Don't worry about it.
You're not going to get
any ass dressed like this.
You look like a bag
of wet sandwiches.
Oh.
Uh, that's so rude.
But, uh, it's my favorite shirt.
It's got a collar
and everything, so.
Really?
This shirt cost $600.
$600, that shirt?
That's a... I mean, I don't even
know how that could... wow, OK?
Fuck you.
Yeah, that's really soft.
That's amazing how soft...
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
stop touching me.
OK.
I feel like you led me to that.
So how are you supposed
to talk to girls here?
It's so loud.
God, you're not supposed
to be talking at all.
You just have to have
well-defined cheekbones
and a shitload of money.
Ah.
Or you have to play for
the Lakers like that guy.
I don't really think that guy
actually plays for the Lakers.
He's just... maybe
just a black guy
that bought a... a windbreaker.
But yeah.
I get what you're saying.
Oh, they could
sure use them, huh?
Yeah, true that.
The Lakers man... they flop
worse than M. Night Shyamalan.
Hey, where'd you hear that?
I wrote that.
Really?
Yeah.
No shit.
My roommate sent me that link.
I should introduce you.
He works for Yahoo.
They're looking for writers.
Really?
Which one's your roommate?
He's that old guy trying
to party like he's 22.
Let's do some
molly, motherfuckers!
Woo!
I feel amazing!
Hey, you know what?
I'll connect you guys later.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, shit!
This is our song, bros!
Let's go, Jim.
Let's go!
God.
That's... that's so exhausting.
All right, motherfuckers.
It's that time o' night.
Hand in your credit cards.
What do we do?
We just split it up, yeah?
Split it... yeah,
that's what we do.
No, bro.
We play credit card roulette.
We let the young lady
to my left decide who is
the richest among us tonight.
Oh, the new guy!
New guy has to pay
for everything!
Welcome to the circle!
- Adam Bomb!
- OK.
All right.
- That can't be too bad, right?
- Oh, yeah.
You got to pay for,
what, six bottles?
Yeah, 2 grand... not even.
2 grand?
You're fucking serious?
Bro, do me a favor.
Tip her well.
She's coming back
to the after-party.
Let's rock and roll, my place!
Awesome hanging
out with you, man.
We got to do this more.
Let's go.
So dude, thanks for giving
us the place last night.
But Amanda came up with this
amazing idea during dinner.
What?
Since we haven't
had sex in so long,
we save ourselves
for our wedding night
to make it more
special, you know?
I think it's pretty cool.
That sounds like
a terrible idea.
I think it's a great
idea, because it's
like I'm a virgin again now.
You're not a virgin.
You're a dude that
doesn't have sex,
and there's a lot
of those out there.
All right, well, you
can agree to disagree.
I think it's a great idea.
So anyway, how are you doing?
Well, I miss fantasy
football more than I
miss our dead grandmother.
I had a nightmare the
other night about a summer
without fantasy baseball.
That was terrible.
Other than that, I totally
think that this breakup
was a mistake.
First of all, Nana
would be crushed
if she heard you say that.
And the breakup was
not a bad idea, OK?
You needed this.
So how are the other guys?
They're good.
They're good.
Uh, Barrett enrolled in a
couple of night classes at USC,
actually.
He's killing it with the girls.
Mook calls me a lot, actually.
I don't know what
his deal is, but he's
taking some sort of class.
I don't know.
He wasn't really specific.
Howie emailed me.
He got a promotion,
I think, at work.
And he's dating someone
who's got a kid.
OK, great.
So I'm in last place.
Dude, this is not a race.
What?
Nothing.
This guy is measuring my inner
thigh, and I think it moved.
Oh, so you're... you're gay.
Oh, really?
I'm gay?
I'm in a committed
relationship, and you just
broke up with a bunch of dudes.
How am I gay?
You're in a committed
relationship,
but you won't have
sex with a girl.
I'm in a committed relationship,
but I'm choosing not to
have sex with a girl.
How is that gay?
That's actually so gay.
That's so gay.
Yeah, I totally got that, yeah.
Oh.
I thought we were
going to keep pretending
that exercising was fun.
You can't go jogging in that.
I honestly thought
you were joking.
This outfit is not ironic.
So what are we gonna do now?
You know what?
You were right.
This is a way better
idea than working out.
Yeah.
Stick with me, and you'll
be out of shape in no time.
- I got it, I got it!
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Hey.
You all right?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
Adam.
What?
We should probably stop.
I mean, you know, uh,
we don't have to stop.
I just... I don't want to
screw things up, you know?
Well, for the record, I don't
think it screws things up.
I think it makes
things way better.
I just... I just don't
think it's the right time.
Really?
You're single for once.
Technically, it's
like the perfect time.
Yeah, but it doesn't
feel that way to me.
Can't we just, you know,
continue to hang out as friends
and see where it
goes from there?
I'm just... I'm not ready
for more than that.
Well I am.
Are you sure?
I think you need time
to figure things out.
And I just... I just need you
to give me some time too.
Oh, I will.
I... I totally will.
I think that time is great.
But I think that that thing
that we just did where we kissed
is also awesome.
And I think that while
we're taking that time,
we can continue to hang
out and do cool things.
And every now and then,
I'll kiss you, and...
Adam, look.
I just can't be at the top
of your list right now.
I'm... I'm sorry, but
that's where I'm at.
Well, it's not where I'm at.
I want more than that.
Hey, Adam.
Uh, sorry to bother you.
But I was thinking
about putting together
a presentation regarding
the NNL's ability to...
I'm in love.
Dude, her name is Stephanie.
And I know we're not
supposed to say anything,
but I had to tell somebody.
Wow.
Where'd you meet her?
Uh, just this class
where we learn things.
You know, books and shit.
Uh, anyway you'll get
to meet her at David's
stupid jack and Jill party.
Yeah, cool.
I'll get to meet your girl.
I'll get to meet Howie's
girl and maybe her kid.
I'll get to meet,
uh, Barrett's girls.
I'll sure he'll have
a few hot coeds,
'cause he's the
big man on campus.
It'll be a fucking
great night for me.
Dude, are you doing all right?
Yeah, I'm great.
Never been better.
I still don't have a girl.
I'm broke as shit.
I'm sleeping on a
pull-out mattress.
And at any given
moment, I'm worried
that a condom broke and I might
have a litter of tiger cubs.
Uh, I don't know what
that last part means.
But it can't be all bad.
No, no, no, no, no, it's not.
A guy at Yahoo who happens to
be a raging fucking coke head
told me he might read an
article I wrote on the 49ers.
Hey, Adam.
I just have a quick question.
Hey, Jamie, what's up?
Yeah, listen.
Barrett's just an
enigma of the man,
and he's playing hard to get.
Oh.
I knew it.
I was totally gonna
tell you that.
Shit.
Hey, uh, Mr. RICHTMAN.
What is this?
Yeah, I know.
Look, I want to
apologize about that.
I know I left that in there.
This is really good.
You wrote this?
Yeah.
I had no idea you were a writer.
I want to read more.
Where are the
articles on lacrosse?
Uh, well, there aren't any.
Nobody cares about lacrosse.
What?
You've been here
longer than I have.
I thought you loved lacrosse.
Me?
No.
Honestly, I thought you were
the only one around here
that cared about lacrosse?
What are you doing here
if you don't like lacrosse?
I don't know.
It's my job.
Oh, no.
You're talking to me like a
guy who wants me to fire him.
No, I... I think that
that is maybe what I want.
Actually, no.
I... look, I don't
want to get fired.
Don't fire me.
OK.
Good, I've never
fired anybody before.
I mean, if I were
you, I would fire me.
I mean, you know how long it
took me to do my work today?
A full day's work, I did
it in a half an hour,
and I wasn't even trying.
- How is it even possible?
- I don't know.
It's just so easy.
I mean...
All right, wait.
I'm confused.
Do you want me to
fire you or not?
No, I don't want you to fire me.
I just... I don't want
to lose that too.
That's my job.
- Good.
All right, so I'm
not firing you.
OK.
Why not?
Ugh!
Look, I just...
You want somebody
that wants to be here, right?
And I don't want to be here.
I mean, I have to
move on with my life.
But seriously, don't fire me.
I don't want to get fired.
Oh, god.
All right, Adam.
You're fired.
I'm coming with ya!
Mook, hold on.
No.
Just... it's against the rules.
Wow, this is emotional.
Come on.
No, I just never
fired a guy before.
OK.
Are we good?
- Yeah, we're good.
- OK.
You're still fired
and we're good?
I'm fired and it's all good.
Great.
That felt good.
Who's next?
Lyle, meet me in my office.
Mook, you bring a
plant and a keyboard?
Really?
We were gonna...
You were gonna talk first.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
They're all sitting in a circle,
and they're looking at us.
Um.
Hi.
Hello, everyone.
Thank you for coming to
our jack and Jill party.
I'm Jack, heh-heh.
Jill.
We have a lot of really fun
games that we're going to play.
Don't we, David?
Yes.
Yes, we do.
Um, we have Dirty Taboo.
We have, um, Truth or Dare
Jenga, which should be fun.
Um, we also have
Naughty Pictionary.
We have Uno, which
is just a great game.
Uh, heh.
Dominoes, where we
could just kinda
line them up and see what, you
know, uh, we could flick them.
What the fuck?
I think this was
a pretty bad idea.
You guys, you look
totally miserable.
Are you?
OK.
New plan.
Ladies, you guys
all come with me.
We're going to go to a club.
OK?
Guys, you stay here.
Have your bachelor party.
Get crazy.
Do what you do.
I don't need to know about it.
How does that sound?
That sounds great, babe.
Hey, babe?
Mm-hmm?
You fuck a stripper, I kill you.
OK?
OK.
Man, it's so good
that those girls are gone.
It's been a long time
since we've done this.
- We needed it.
- Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, look at me!
Looks like I'm going to be the
robe guy of this party, huh?
Any objections?
Uh, maybe a couple.
Any luck?
Oh, I don't need
luck, my friend.
I got a little thing
called technology.
I just found this app,
ordered two strippers.
You got strippers coming?
Oh, yeah.
They're, uh...
Wow, that dude is
the saddest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
Let me put on some
stripper music, yo!
Yeah!
Bam.
Yeah.
Oh, OK.
The strippers are here.
Everybody sit down.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
Come on, come on.
Get on the couch!
Get on the couch!
And keep it together.
Keep it cool.
Do not embarrass me.
Chill.
Chill out.
Sorry I yelled.
Let's have fun.
All right.
Just one second!
Hi, I love your beard.
Oh, heh-heh.
Hey.
That's the guy!
That's the bachelor!
All right, that's me.
Anyway...
All right.
Yeah, OK.
Yeah!
Wow.
Heh-heh.
What?
Um...
- Whoa.
- OK.
Hold on.
Is... is everything OK?
Hey, she's crying.
Oh, yeah, yeah yeah, sorry.
He just gets really
nervous before a gang bang.
That's not what this is.
We can try it.
Or not.
Whatever.
What you guys want.
Gang bang, no gang bang,
I'm here to support.
You girls on Linkedln?
Excuse me, stripper?
We're not at all
interested in a gang bang.
We're just looking for some
innocent bachelor party fun
here, OK?
Maybe a little girl on
girl if things get crazy.
We're not lesbian, you perverts.
How are we the perverts here?
Everyone, shut up.
You, bachelor.
It's $100 for handjobs,
250 for blowjobs,
and 500 to put it
anywhere you want.
Well, almost anywhere.
The back door's always open,
but the front door's closed
due to monthly maintenance.
- Oh, no!
- No!
Unless you're into
it, then it's double.
Double?
I don't think you understand.
We're not really hooker guys.
OK, well, we're really hookers.
All right, sweetie, look.
On this app, on this app,
it says in the description
"exotic dancers."
OK.
Well, that's because...
That's because we can't say
that we fuck for money, retard.
You are a very
immature prostitute.
Oh, really, senator?
You're really immature yourself.
You know what?
We came all the way
down here, and we're not
leaving until we get paid, OK?
So who's ready to fucking party?
- No, not like that.
- Huh?
The brown guy?
You want to party?
Uh, how much is it for her to
stop crying and for both of you
to go home?
$300.
Oh, that's a ripoff, man.
How much for a handjob?
Yes!
Pussypop is back!
See this?
Soak it in.
That's your future.
Nobody likes strippers
more than married dudes.
Hell, is this one crying?
Well, shit.
I got some I'm into
cry and not cry, cry,
cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry.
Cry!
Ha ha!
Yeah!
Why aren't you crying?
Hey, guys.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Hey, yeah.
You know what?
Hey, forget that
jack and Jill party.
That was way better
than that, man.
Where's David?
I think he's puking
with Pussypop somewhere.
Where... where we
going to take him next?
Let's go to Jumbo's, man.
Ooh!
Get him a lap dance.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, Deb says that her and
the girls are at Poubelle.
Oh, let's just do that then.
Whoa, no way.
Fuck that.
This is our night, dude.
Oh, but dude, you know, I'd
really like you to meet Deb,
get to know her.
Ha-ha, who cares about Deb?
- Well, I care about Deb.
- No, I know.
I'm not... I don't
mean it like that.
I'm just saying, you know, OK.
Hey, look.
I'm going to stop right here.
Stop it.
- What?
- Stop.
- Stopping?
Stop.
OK.
I was going to wait to do this.
But fuck it, OK?
What is that?
What... what are those?
These are the keys to
David's place, the place
that David was talking about.
I went down, and
I convinced them
to let me make a deposit on it.
This place is ours.
Oh, dude.
You really did that?
I mean, that's...
That's really cool.
But I've been actually saving
up money to get my own place,
like a condo or something.
Howard, man.
Are you being
responsible, Howard?
That is his name.
If you're responsible, you have
to use your full name, Howard.
I don't know either.
I'm... I kinda like
staying on campus.
I'm thinking about
getting my master's,
maybe becoming a professor.
That's awesome.
You're gonna make a difference.
Yeah, maybe.
And I also get to
hang around college
girls for the rest of my life.
So it's kinda like a
no-brainer, you know?
What's your excuse, huh, Mook?
I don't think the time is right.
You don't think
it's the right time.
Ha.
Are you guys being serious?
You guys... you don't want
to live together anymore?
It's over?
No, we're almost contractually
allowed to hang out again soon.
Yeah, but it was supposed
to go back to the way
that things were.
To be honest, man,
I really want to go
back to the way things were.
I like how things are now.
Yeah.
Same.
Oh.
I feel like a big
asshole right now.
- No, Adam, come on.
- No, no.
Hey, come on.
Look.
That's not the way it is, man.
I mean, the breakup actually
worked for all of us.
Yeah, for you, man.
For you.
I didn't work for me.
I lost.
I fucked it all up.
And I tried to do this shit,
and I just fucked it all up.
Isn't not going to
be the way it was.
We can't just go back.
Why bother?
Hey, hey.
Where are you going?
I don't know.
I don't know where I'm going.
But I'm telling you, I fucked
it up, and I don't know.
OK?
So you... you guys, good.
You're better off without me.
And I'm going to go be
better off without you.
That's not cool, bro.
It's not how it is.
Shit.
Shit.
I can't... I can't find that
bag... that... that little bag
had the... the cufflinks in it.
I hate that bag, you
know what I mean?
It's the worst bag in the world.
It's like, I had it.
I had the bag at the rehearsal.
I definitely had it
at the rehearsal.
I mean, is it so hard
to make a fucking shirt
with black buttons
already on it.
Relax.
I'll go get the bag.
It's cool.
Seriously, it's a man's
wedding day, you know?
You would think that the last
thing would be on his mind
are the fucking black buttons.
David, sit down.
It's like, I can't
wear white buttons.
Amanda will kill me...
- Right, I know.
You know, let alone marry me.
She might just kill me in
front of her whole family.
I hear you, OK?
Yeah, we're doing it.
Jack Daniel's.
Hey.
Hey, what up, man?
Um, are you... you're sure
you need that bag now?
Because you look... I
mean, you just look
great just looking at you now.
Yeah.
Yes, I need the b... why?
What's going on?
Um, the guys are out there.
And it's just weird.
I... I haven't talked to them,
you know, since the thing or...
Adam, it's my wedding day.
Swallow your pride.
Make nice-nice with
your fucking friends.
And get me that fucking bag!
Just give me the fucking bag!
You nervous?
I just want to die.
Here.
Here, here.
Just... just drink.
I'm gonna die a virgin.
It's really happening, huh?
Yeah, it really is.
No, I... I don't know if this is
the best time to bring this up.
Uh, I've been meaning
to apologize to you.
Uh, you know, I... I probably
wasn't the best boyfriend.
Adam, it's fine.
Honestly.
Everything worked out the
way it was supposed to.
We're good.
- Prick.
- Hey.
I know.
I'm just... I'm sorry kind of.
Whoa, hey.
What's up?
Hey.
What's up, man?
How are you, man?
- It's been so long.
- Oh, man.
I haven't seen you.
Yeah, hey.
Yeah, I heard... I
read on your blog
that you're writing
for Yahoo now?
Yeah, Yahoo.
Yeah, well, I mean, you
know, I'm a freelance writer.
But, uh, there's a shot that
might bump me up to staff.
So good to hear.
How are you doing?
Uh, good, man.
Good.
It's been slightly, like,
weird without you guys.
Wrote a lot of books.
Uh-huh.
Went on a lot of
pub crawls on my own.
No way.
Got really into Chris
Isaak for a while.
One day, I was just like,
oh, let's just see how
many times I can masturbate.
No way.
Can you check and see the guys?
Never look at Jennifer
Lawrence again.
Can you...
Tried crystal meth.
Um, it was pretty good.
Can you see the guys
over... over this way?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Are they looking over here?
- Yep.
- They are?
Yep.
Can you just do something,
like I just made a joke?
Like laugh.
Just, like, laugh
like crazy right now.
What, are you trying
to make them jealous?
No.
Will you just fucking laugh?
Please do this for me.
Go.
Right?
Right?
Right?
No, don't look over there.
Look over here.
Make it about me.
Yeah.
Oh, right?
Cool man.
So, um...
OK, hold on.
Can you just look over here now?
Don't look at them.
Don't look at them, dude.
Don't look at them.
Do I... I seem
comfortable, right?
Yes.
Well, don't... you
got to stop laughing.
Stop laughing.
- OK.
Stop fucking laughing.
Well, hold on one second.
Don't leave.
Let me be the one who leaves
so it looks more like I... I'm
the guy who's,
like, deciding when
the conversation's over, OK?
- Ro.
- Ro.
- Ro.
- My man.
Hey, hey, hey.
Come over here.
- Get over here.
Hey, how's it going?
I missed you guys.
OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no.
What did he say?
What did Adam say to you?
We saw you guys talking.
What's up?
OK, I cannot deal
with this anymore!
I cannot be in the
middle anymore!
You guys are playing
a wicked game!
Whoa.
I got to find some crystal meth.
Shit!
Adam.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Um...
Call me Uncle Reed.
I'm a friend of your mother's.
Oh.
That's a hell of a
wedding going on, isn't it?
Yeah, it's, uh, good.
I haven't seen you dancing.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm just not... not...
Dancing tonight.
Oh, yeah.
I used to be like
that... self-conscious
about being another
run-of-the-mill
white guy dancing at a wedding.
Yeah.
I mean, that's just...
That's not really the issue.
I just kinda... not really
in the mood, you know?
I get it.
I get it... weddings.
Weddings... yeah, you never
know how they're gonna hit ya.
But Davy's... he's a good kid.
I don't think you have to
worry about losing him.
Um, yeah.
I'm actually not worried
about that at all.
Families get bigger.
Right.
And Davy... he's...
He's the same guy.
Well, he... nobody
really calls him Davy.
Um, and...
Adam.
What's up?
The book of life has
many, many chapters.
Right?
And what once you
finish one chapter,
you don't throw away the book.
Mm.
You keep on reading.
Is this... are you a... is
this a psychologist thing or...
Oh, my god.
Scientology, no.
Are you... I'm sorry,
but who are you again?
I'm a friend of your mom's.
OK.
And if you really
want to dig down
a little deeper into the
reality of the situation...
I don't know.
I don't know.
Then...
Hey, Adam.
They're about to cut the cake.
OK, cool.
I should probably get in
there for my brother and all.
And this... this is super...
Super fucking weird.
But, um, thank you.
Thanks, uh, for the talk.
Super fucking weird?
What's super fucking weird is
I'm super fucking your mom.
That's what's super
fucking weird.
So listen.
I know that it's my job to
share, uh, embarrassing stories
here.
But, uh, David made we promise
that I wouldn't come up
here and talk about how he tried
to reinvent himself in college
as Rave Dave, the one-man party,
and get really good at glow
sticks.
Anyway, that's well behind them.
But if we get lucky,
maybe he'll pull him out.
It's not happening.
To David and Amanda, everybody.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you having a good time?
Yeah, of course, I am.
Yeah.
It's just great.
This is the best... I
mean, this is the best
wedding I've ever been to.
Oh, thanks.
That's sweet.
So why do you look so miserable?
Heh.
Just go say hi.
Uh, I... I can't.
Adam, I've known
you for a long time.
I know you can.
You can't say no to me.
This is my wedding day.
All right.
OK.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You guys, uh, I'm sorry.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah!
All right, I knew you
were going to do that.
Dude, there is no
reason to apologize.
No, look.
I... I... there is, OK?
I thought that
this was just gonna
be another one of those
stupid things that we do,
like when we got stoned
every day for a month.
Jewel High, 2010.
Right.
That fucking sucked!
I thought that afterwards
that it was all just
gonna go back to
the way things were,
and that's why I freaked out.
I... I didn't think that
it would actually work.
Adam, the whole breakup
worked, because we...
We gave each other
enough space to figure
out what we really wanted.
Yes, and now we are
even more awesome.
So what else would you want?
Honestly?
Beth.
I know that she doesn't want
to be at the top of my list.
But she's what's missing.
Hey, there's these guys.
Bros before hos, huh?
That was weird.
All right, just
trying to fit in.
OK, have fun.
Hey, dude.
That list has got to be
a lot shorter now, right?
Yeah, and if that's
what's missing,
let's go fix that shit, brother.
Yeah, let's get the girl!
Get the girl.
Babe, come on.
We got to get the girl.
Oh!
We took the shuttle
from the hotel.
Let's do it.
Yes!
- The keys are in the ignition.
- Yes.
Who's driving?
I can't drive a bus.
I would fail every DUI
test known to man right now.
I'm legally forbidden
from driving buses.
You guys know that.
I can drive a bus.
How cool is this guy?
One second.
Hello?
Hey, listen.
Uh, I... I promise you that
this isn't a booty call.
I just... where... where
are you right now?
OK.
Uh, listen.
Stay right there, OK?
OK.
Now, do you know
what you're going
to say when you get there?
Do... do you need any
help or anything?
Uh, yeah, you know,
I think I got it.
Yeah.
You sure?
Yeah.
Thanks.
All right.
Well, I did steal Kelly
Kapowski away from Zack Morris,
you know?
I'm just saying.
Yeah.
I got it.
Thanks, though.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- All right.
Here.
Pull off here.
Listen.
You got this, Preppy.
Oh, my... it's so... so awesome
that you just called me that.
Thanks, man.
Yeah.
I am pretty awesome.
Beth.
Beth.
Look, I know there's a
lot to take in right now.
But this has to happen now, OK?
Guys, come out here.
Barrett, Mook, Howie.
Beth, you already know Mook.
And this is Howie.
And that's Barrett over there.
I need you to know these
guys, because, uh, I
want you to know me.
We broke up.
During that time, I
had to decide what
I wanted to do with my life.
It was really hard.
But I think I finally did it.
I mean, I'm... I'm a writer now.
Blogger, technically.
All right, Barrett.
OK.
I got my own place.
In Burbank.
Mook, it doesn't...
The only thing in my life
that's missing right now is you.
Oh, that is so cute, huh?
All right.
I should have kept
these guys in the bus.
Can I come up there?
Yeah.
Oh.
Beth, thanks.
That's, uh, much better.
Look.
Uh, Beth, I, um... I realize
now that you needed time too.
And I didn't respect that.
And I... I should've.
So I'm sorry.
Thank you.
You know, I keep thinking
about that guy who
was masturbating in the park.
And why doesn't
that surprise me?
The truth is, you
have a lot in common
with that filthy exhibitionist.
Look, you're going
to look back on this,
and you're going to wonder
what could've happened.
What you let go just because
the timing wasn't right.
Beth, I miss you.
And I just... I want to go
back to the way things were.
I want... I want to
hang out with you.
I want to be around you.
And this way, if
you decide one day
that you want more
than you know what,
I'm going to be right here.
I don't... I don't want that.
I missed you too.
Are you sure about this?
No.
But I'm ready.
Hey, wait.
That... that guy who
would, you know,
dress up in the California
Raisins costume and, you know,
win fishbowl races...
I... I liked that guy.
And I liked who I
was around that guy.
He's not completely gone, is he?
Uh, no.
I mean, I just stole
a bus and crashed
a party with my friends.
So I would say it's
safe to say that this
is never gonna be boring.
I wonder what they're
doing up there.
You guys are
definitely gonna win
best couples costume tonight.
Us?
What are talking about?
You know who's the shoo-in?
Mook and Stephanie.
Look.
What?
Yeah!
- Hahaha, yeah!
- All right.
I don't mind being
the fifth wheel
tonight, 'cause you
guys all look amazing.
But I'm just saying, I'm very
happy to be single on Halloween
night.
I got the winning costume.
It's not original, but...
Are you going to
Lyle's Halloween party?
Me too.
Hey, what's up?
I'm Barrett.
Hey, Barrett.
I like what you
got going on here.
OK.
OK.
No, we're good.
We're good here.
We're...
- Hey, Elvis.
Howie's still gonna meet
us with us after he's
done trick-or-treating?
That's the plan, but who knows?
Nice.
Howie!
Hey!
We've figured out the best
way to trick-or-treat!
Come on board!
Oh, my god, what is this?
Only the best
invention known to man.
Get up on that thing, girl!
Woo!
So are you coming with us, or...
I'm not letting you
out of my sight again.
Again?
So I gather this is not your
first time on a barcycle.
No, and it's definitely
gonna be my last.
Better not be.
All right.
We got to get one
little kid candy pronto.
So peddle!
Ooh, I want some candy!
I want candy!
Well, keep...
Get your candy.
Just keep your pants on, Mook.
No promises!
But actually keep
your pants on for real.
There a kid around.