- Pop!
- No. We ain't stopping the car again.
We don't wanna stop.
We want to know, are we good boys?
Yeah, yeah, you're good boys.
All right, Toby, give them a piece of candy.
Thank you.
- It ain't even.
- I know.
- Now it is.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
You ain't gonna use that road,
are you, Pop?
Why not?
Well, that sign says "closed to the public."
We ain't the public,
we're part of the government.
They send me cheques.
I keep them busy and happy.
We're dependent on each other.
We ain't the public, Toby.
- Damn it, I lost my traction.
- Don't get upset, Pa, I'll lift her off.
You'll do nothing of the kind.
You're getting $63.80 a month...
...because the Army
totally disabled your back.
Now, how's it gonna look
if somebody comes along...
...and you're lifting up an automobile?
My back don't feel totally disabled.
It don't matter how your back feels,
it's what the Army doctor says that counts.
I keep telling you, Pop, they examined me
right after my first judo lesson.
It was a little twisted up,
but it twisted back the next lesson.
- Toby, we'll get out.
- That's okay.
Didn't twist your back again, did you, son?
- No, sir, I just used mostly my hands.
- Good. Good.
I wonder where the road goes.
It's hard to tell,
just from looking at one end.
- Hey, Pop?
- Yeah, Holly?
Listen, I've been taking notice.
We haven't passed a house...
...or even a gas station
the whole time we've been on this road.
Well, it stands to reason.
It's a brand new road.
The country ain't caught up with it yet.
Doesn't your gas gauge read "empty"?
When my gas gauge says "empty,"
it's still got three gallons left in it.
I can't understand it.
Where you going, son?
I'm gonna jog up the highway
and get some gasoline.
- You gonna do nothing of the kind.
- Why not?
One of those government
Highway Patrol wagons...
...is gonna come along here any minute.
Now, Pop, there won't be any patrolling
if this road doesn't go anywhere.
And why wouldn't this road
wanna go nowhere?
Maybe the government ran out of
money before they could finish it.
How many times do I have to tell you that
the government don't run out of money?
Only people run out of money.
Government's loaded.
Wake me up when that truck patrols by here.
All right, Pop.
Gee, Toby, it's gonna be getting dark
in a couple of hours.
I don't see how we can prevent it.
I'm awful thirsty. So are the children.
I'm sorry, Holly, but I don't happen to have
any drinking water on me right now.
I wonder what's keeping that patrol car?
- Toby.
- Yeah?
We could dig for some.
Well, there's always
what you call ground water...
...and it doesn't mix with the salt water...
...so if you dig down to the water level,
you can get the fresh.
Well, another thing I don't have on me
is a shovel.
Why, it's soft ground. All you need
is sort of a scoop or something.
There ought to be something around here
we could use.
- What about this?
- No, not your pop's fender.
Oh, I'll put it back on before he wakes up.
I hit one.
- You did not.
- I did so.
All right now, just keep throwing.
We need more coconuts.
Higher. Higher. That's good.
Higher. Higher.
- Hey, Pop, do you wanna try one?
- No, I don't wanna try one.
Keep hitting higher.
Here you go, Ariadne.
You're just as happy as a house cat,
ain't you?
Women like doing things for other people.
Don't men ever feel like that?
- What did I say that was so funny?
- Oh, nothing.
I was just remembering,
after your folks died, when Pop took you in.
What a skinny, scrawny little thing
you were.
All eyes and elbows.
And now you're practically...
Well, like you said, practically a woman.
- Toby.
- Yeah?
Will you look at me?
No, I mean real good.
I know you're a woman, Holly.
And I know I said practically,
and that bothers you, don't it?
Yeah, well, I am 19 years old...
...and I'm kind of well-built.
Yep, I know that, too.
And I'm glad of it.
Are you, Toby?
'Cause I'm trying
not to notice things like that...
...and you're a good one
to practise not noticing on.
Well, why me...
...and, well, what's
wrong with noticing girls?
Well, that's how they catch you.
Pop told me all about it the day I got
sent home from band practice...
...for grabbing Amy Plotka.
Do you remember Amy?
Yeah, I remember Amy.
You know anything about sex, Holly?
Of course I do.
Who told you?
I don't remember.
Never you mind.
You've been living with us
since you was 13.
- You know about it then?
- Oh, Toby, leave me alone.
I'm sorry, honey,
I didn't aim to make you mad.
I was just trying to explain
what you asked me.
Well, then explain. Don't ask questions.
Well, it's just like Pop said,
women are natural nesters.
Just look at the way
you took to nesting right here.
Cooking dinner and everything,
starting from scratch.
Well, I would dearly love to know
what's so awful about nesting?
It's just being married and having a house.
Well, nothing.
Except doing it when you don't want to.
I think a man ought to be allowed
to wait till he wants to.
Women don't aim to let you wait.
That's why I use my education against them.
- Your education?
- Multiplication tables.
Anytime some pretty gal
is standing around bothering me...
I just close my eyes and I say,
one times one is one...
...and one times two is two
and right on through the eights.
Most times I only have to get to the sixes
and they get disgusted and go away.
I can imagine.
Of course it don't do much good
if they hang on through the eights...
...'cause I forget the nineses.
That's what happened that night
behind the bowling alley with Gertrude.
I forgot the nineses.
Toby...
...when you say that you wanna wait,
do you want to?
Does that mean
that you don't wanna fall in love?
- Doesn't everybody wanna fall in love?
- Not me.
Not judging from the kind of love
I've seen people fall into.
Pop had a song that explained it pretty well.
Let me see, how did that thing go?
Show me a girl with a dimple on her cheek
Butter melts in her mouth
When she opens it to speak
Show me a girl who is acting so refined
And I'll show you a girl
with one thing on her mind
So I say, "You know what?"
She says, "What?" I say, "What?"
"Oh, I'm not the marrying kind
"For you've got what it takes
And it takes what you've got
"But I'm not the marrying kind
"Don't kiss me, don't claw me
Don't pet me, don't paw me
"I won't leave my freedom behind"
So I say, "You know what?"
She says, "What?" I say, "What?"
"Oh, I'm not the marrying kind
"You know what?" She says "What?"
I say, "What? Thanks a lot
"But I'm not the marrying kind
"Don't kiss me, don't claw me
Don't pet me, don't paw me
"And I won't leave my freedom behind"
So I say "You know what?"
She says "What?" I say "What?"
"Oh, I'm not the marrying kind
"I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not
And now you've got what I'm not
"I'm not the marrying kind
"Oh, I'm not the marrying kind
"Oh, I'm not the marrying kind"
Come on, Ariadne.
The governor is scheduled to start
from the Coast Highway at 11:00.
I'd hate to miss the dedication.
You certainly got a right to be mighty proud
of this project, Mr King.
Not a tin can or a gum wrapper
along the whole 30 miles.
Stop. Stop, quick!
What in the name of...
What's going on here?
I reckon you're from the government
and I will say it's about time.
I am the State Supervisor of Highways
and I wanna know what you're doing here?
You see, we ran out of gas
here on this road.
Don't give me that stuff.
You've been camping here.
Well, we couldn't camp nowhere else,
because this is where we ran out of gas.
I think you're within 50 feet
of the centre line of that road.
That means that legally speaking,
you're on the thoroughfare.
You could be arrested
for obstructing traffic.
- I don't see any jam up here.
- That doesn't matter.
You can't just camp
on a public thoroughfare as if you owned it.
The way you're talking about it,
you'd think you owned it.
I am ordering you to pack your junk
in that jalopy and clear out.
On foot, huh?
- You claim you're out of gas, do you?
- Yes, sir.
And I'm mighty near out of patience
with this kind of government.
Joe, break out that spare can of gas.
I want your name and address.
You're gonna be billed for it.
We're the Kwimpers from Cranberry County,
just over the state line.
Just care of the county,
they always know where to find us.
- You're his son?
- That's right.
And she is your wife
and those are your children?
No, sir. Me and Pop, we're the Kwimpers.
Teddy and Eddy,
sitting over there on that car...
...they're some sort of fourth cousins
or something.
After their folks died,
we just sort of took them in.
They don't cost us much, though...
...on account of we collect aid
for dependent children.
That teenager there, she's Holly Jones.
She used to be our babysitter.
Her folks got killed in an auto accident.
She just stayed with us ever since.
And that little girl,
she was orphaned just last year.
She's just three years old
and her name's Ariadne.
All right, all right.
You're a self-appointed orphanage.
- Now, will you kindly get this mess loaded?
- Yes, sir. I was just trying to...
Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
He can't load nothing.
He's on total disability for a bad back.
- Oh, Pop.
- Total disability?
What do you collect?
Unemployment compensation?
- Well, relief is a...
- Lately, he's been favouring relief.
All wards of the government?
Well, look here, in 15 minutes
the Governor of this state...
...is gonna drive along this road
and dedicate it.
And he's not going to be looking
at any mess like this.
Yes, sir.
I don't know
why I should explain anything to you.
But this road...
This road is part
of a big public betterment programme.
Over there, we'll have a bird sanctuary.
- That'll be nice.
- Yeah.
- Back there, a wildlife preserve.
- That'll be nice, too.
Mr King...
...here come a bunch of cars,
it must be the governor.
Oh, no! He's early.
- Well, I got the gasoline.
- Never mind about the gas...
- ...let's get this place cleaned up.
- Just a moment.
You must be insane.
You said yourself, the public thoroughfare
is 50 feet from the centre line.
Well, the 50 feet ends right there.
Teddy and Eddy just measured it.
- Right, boys?
- Right!
Back! Back! Back!
What's it matter where it ends?
This is State property, you idiot.
This is private property.
Oh, no. He's stopping.
Mr King, what seems to be the trouble here?
Governor, Your Excellency, I'm very sorry...
...but these people are obstructing
a public thoroughfare.
We'll get rid of them right away,
Your Excellency.
Trooper... Sergeant, arrest these people.
- Good morning, Governor.
- Yes, sir.
Morning, sir. Mr Governor,
if you appointed this man...
...I think it best you get out of the car
right now and put him straight.
A man like you has got to know the law,
and it's on the record now.
You'll witness his violation
of a citizen's rights.
- Are you a student of the law, sir?
- A student? Why...
Well, I know that the police can't come
on private property...
unless they's got a warrant
or is chasing people.
Now, nobody can chase us.
On account of we ain't running.
So it's best they get off that
private property, right, Governor? Right?
- Well...
- Sir, it's not private property...
...it's filled land.
Put there by the Highway Division.
Well, you know what the law states
about homesteading, don't you, Governor?
Well, we're homesteading from the end of
the thoroughfare to the edge of the river.
Oh, homesteaders, eh?
Homesteaders!
Any public land can be homesteaded,
can't it?
Yes, sir. If they put up a roof and
stay on it for six months, they own it.
The boy's right, Governor.
Well, there's the roof.
They're on private property.
Would you get back a mite?
- They're trespassing.
- All right, officers, get off.
Respect private property at all times,
gentlemen, that's the law.
Well, justice has been rendered.
I'll see you later, Mr King.
Let's move along.
- Take care of yourself, Governor.
- Thank you, sir.
Nice parade.
He's a nice fellow.
Give three cheers for Pop.
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!
Stop that, you brats.
- Brats.
- Who you calling brats?
I'll take care of it.
Run along and play, kids.
You gonna stand on our property and you're
gonna give orders like you're entitled to?
That's a good idea.
Play it up while you've got the chance.
Oh, yes, there's a homestead law,
and you've taken good advantage of it.
But there's other laws, Kwimper...
...laws that might cause you
a lot of unpleasantness.
Such as? Go ahead, quote them.
One, for instance, provides
that none of you...
...receive any more welfare benefits
from your home state.
You're residents here now.
- I shall so notify the proper authorities.
- Pop.
Pop, do you want me
to throw this fellow off our property?
No, no, no, just leave him be.
We'll listen and we'll learn.
Learn this, too, then.
That well is probably unhygienic.
That lean-to doesn't conform
to any zoning restriction I know of.
Kwimper, I am proud of my job
and of my responsibility to the people.
I owe them my best efforts
to run your sort out of this area.
You'll be hearing from me shortly.
Come along, Joe.
Funny thing. I was just about to give him
back his land when he turned nasty.
Now, I don't know what to do.
Pop, didn't you mean what you said
about homesteading and all?
But, damn it, I ought to stay here.
But it's an awful lot of bother just
to take that uppity hyena down a peg.
- I gotta think it over, Tob.
- Well, Pop...
...I gotta think it over, Tob.
Toby. Cross your fingers and pray.
- Pray for what, Holly?
- To homestead!
To stay here. To stay here for always.
Why, that don't make a bit of sense to me.
What's wrong with our own home?
- After Gertrude Patterson leaves, that is.
- Well, it's not our home, it's your home.
But if we built a place here...
...it would really be part mine, and not
just a place I was allowed to move into.
Be my first real home.
I'm sorry, Toby, if that sounds ungrateful.
That's natural, honey,
I mean, women are just natural nesters...
...just like Pop said.
Toby, a body would think a grown man
could make up his own mind about things.
Well, I agree with you there.
I kind of like
to make my own decisions, too...
...but I usually wind up doing
what Pop wants anyway.
Don't you understand that I wanna stay?
I wanna stay so much.
I didn't realise it meant that much
to you, honey.
Just don't get upset about it. I'll fix it.
How?
You mean, you haven't learnt
how to handle a contrary man like Pop yet?
Watch this. Hey, Pop!
Pop!
- We'd better get out of here.
- Who says?
That King fellow is gonna make
an awful lot of trouble.
I'll break him off like a dry twig.
- Well, maybe so, maybe not.
- No maybe about it.
Well, it's just that me and Holly here,
we don't think you can handle a man...
...as big and powerful
as a highway supervisor.
Well, that settles it. We're staying.
We're homesteading.
We ain't leaving here until I say so.
But, Pop,
why, how can we possibly manage?
How will we manage?
That's my department.
I'll take care of the brainwork.
You young folks,
you take care of the work work.
Toby...
Toby, I could kiss you for that.
One times one is one.
One times two is two...
Wow! That's a monster.
Is it good to eat?
We ain't never gonna know.
He's too big to handle for this gear.
What do you got there, a tarpon?
I don't know,
but whatever it is, it's a whopper.
He's too big to catch with a diaper pin.
I'm trying to get rid of him just as
much as he's trying to get rid of me.
Trying to get rid of him?
I've been paying $65 a day for charter boats
and never hooked one like that.
- I'd give $20 to play him.
- Well, you're mighty welcome, sir.
Well, thank you.
Just try not to lose the diaper pin
if you can help it.
No.
Excuse me, sir.
- Hey, Pop.
- Hi, son.
- Get all the shopping done?
- I think so.
Did you have enough money for everything?
Yep, and a couple of luxury items, too.
I went to a junkyard and I bought us a john.
Ain't it a lover?
It sure is, Pop.
I bought some cheap lumber, too.
I'm gonna build it its own little house.
- Is that a telegram, Pop?
- Yeah, from the government back home.
That King fellow didn't waste no time
getting us cut off.
Well, don't you worry, Pop. We'll manage.
Ain't nobody can fret a family
got its own private john. Nobody.
- Need some help, sir?
- No, thanks.
- He's putting up a pretty good fight.
- Yeah.
- Did you hurt yourself?
- Are you all right?
I'm fine.
- I've never had so much fun in my life.
- I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself.
Did you see the size of that one?
The hook straightened out.
It wasn't much of a hook though,
it was just a diaper pin, that's all it was.
A diaper pin, a pole,
and a piece of string...
...and I had more action
than with $1,000 worth of equipment.
Oh. Nope. Here's your $20.
No, I couldn't take that.
All I done was lend you a fish...
- ...and it was a public fish anyway.
- Thank you, sir.
Oh, Holly,
I can bend this back into a hook again.
I'm with you, sister. Money's like a fish.
Anytime you can hook it, you hook it.
I'll be back.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, I know what you're thinking, Toby.
It's a shame to take money
from a crazy man.
We need this, and...
And the way he talked, he had plenty.
Imagine paying money to fish.
- Here. It's yours.
- No, give it to Pop.
- So long.
- Bye.
Holly.
Did you hear what that fellow said
about paying $65 a day just to fish?
Yeah.
Kind of funny, ain't it?
All the fish out here you want for free.
The bait's free, hooks don't cost much.
- You've given me an idea.
- I have?
Oh, such a wonderful idea.
Oh, Toby, you're gonna be proud of me.
- Sure you don't need anything else?
- Nope, this is just fine.
Now, really,
there are fish out there by the millions.
Thanks for the information.
I'll pass it along.
- You do that. Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, it's a big one, ain't it?
- You've got a beauty there, miss.
- There's a beauty if I ever saw one.
- Wish you had caught that, huh?
Anybody want any more coffee?
- Two cups, one with, one without.
- One with and one without.
- Throw in a couple of doughnuts, please.
- Couple of doughnuts.
- More wood, Teddy.
- Yeah, Pop.
$89, $90...
...$91...
- ...$91.50.
- Is she asleep?
- $92, Pop.
- $92.
Well, that's fine for one day, son.
That's what comes
of sticking up for your rights.
Not running like a scalded dog,
the way you wanted me to.
Oh, you was right, Pop. I was wrong.
You know, we'd better start a bank account.
I've had nothing to do with no banks,
I ain't gonna start now.
Now, Pop, banks pay interest
and you double your money before you...
- But I hate them. Don't you, Toby?
- I never even seen the inside of a bank.
I don't aim to.
I mean, I'm gonna make
a few improvements.
Lots, Pop.
What we first need
is a line of pilings offshore.
- We do?
- So we can build a dock.
A dock?
Let me handle this, Pop, I understand
her a little better than you do.
Now, what do we need a dock for, honey?
- Silly, so we can tie up our rowboats.
- Oh, rowboats.
We need a rowboat
so we can row out to our yacht, Pop.
Else how can we get out to that island
where our hotel is?
Now, will you two stop that? I mean this.
We need rowboats so we can rent them out
to our fishing parties.
Right now, our customers are fishing
off of that bridge...
...and it belongs to the state highway.
Now how long is it before that Mr King
is gonna put a stop to it?
- Be damned, but she's right.
- She is?
Well, of course I am.
So I talked to some folks, and it figures
out we can get some used rowboats...
...build a dock, and have a real
fishing place for about $2,000.
- $2,000?
- You done busted a bubble, honey.
No, I've been asking around.
There's a very good chance
we can borrow the money from the bank.
Well, that would sure change
my opinion about banks.
You mean they'll lend you the money
just for the asking of it?
And the interest. You gotta pay them
back a little more than they pay out.
- That's how they do it.
- Yeah, Pop.
Well, will you go?
Will you go to the bank and borrow $2,000?
- Well, if it's that easy, let Toby do it.
- You mean me?
Holy Ike, here I am dealing with banks...
...got my own fleet of rowboats,
my own docks...
...all because I wouldn't let
some government man...
...tell me where I could stand
and where I couldn't.
It seems there's a lot of money
in not doing what you're told, Pop.
Yes, sir. Teddy, Eddy, let that learn you.
If you want to get along in life,
never do what you're told.
Oh, for heaven's sakes,
don't tell them a thing like that.
It ain't no wronger than telling them
they always gotta take orders.
Some folks tell you what to do
They think they know more than you
They insist that they're giving sound advice
But as sure as you're living
It ain't sound, it ain't nice
It just doesn't sound like sound advice
Some folks like to be the boss
They get up on their high horse
Oh, they say that you're getting
sound advice
There's one thing I'm betting
It ain't wise, it ain't nice
You won't like the sound of their advice
Sound advice we're given, sound advice
Just as sure as you're living
If you're smart, you'll think twice
When they start to sound off with advice
Don't listen to their sound advice
Toby, 15 minutes left.
- Kind of like a church, ain't it?
- Yeah.
What they got them poor fellows
locked up for?
No.
They're tellers. They cash cheques,
and make change and things like that.
- Oh, do they do the lending, too?
- Well, I suppose so.
No, no, there. Through the glass door.
Now, Toby, you make sure
and don't forget to tell them...
...that we grossed $92 on Sunday.
And that you were in the Army.
That's for character reference. Okay?
Now, go on.
- Hey, ain't you coming with me?
- No, I can't go in. I'm not dressed.
- You don't look no crummier than I do.
- Well, now it's different for a man.
Now, you go on, Toby.
I'll be standing here, praying.
Anything I can do for you?
No, I don't believe I have any use
for a policeman right now, thank you.
All right.
- Oh. Pardon me, please.
- Oh, yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
- What do you want?
- Money.
Money?
There's nothing to be afraid of,
in fact, I'm just as scared as you are.
What's that you're saying?
- You're feeling sick, huh?
- Yeah.
- Help, help.
- You look like you need help.
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
- Get your hands up.
- Who, me?
- Come on, get them up!
- And drop this fellow on the floor?
- He's got a hostage.
- Open that dang door, will you?
He says open this door.
Get him before he can go for his gun!
Watch out we don't hit Mr Binkley.
This man's in bad shape,
and he ain't gonna get no better...
...if you fellows don't do what I say.
One of you better call him an ambulance.
Hold it right there or
I'll blow your head off.
Well, the way you're waving that thing
around, you're likely to hit most anybody.
And you better put yours down, too.
Thank you.
Well, why don't somebody get him a doctor?
Watch out, Mr Endicott, he's got a gun.
Hello, Toby. Are you holding up this bank?
- No, sir. Is somebody holding it up?
- Where did you get that gun?
I took it away from him.
He was over there waving it around,
he might shoot somebody.
- Bet it's even loaded.
- Let me have it, please.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
Now, what have you done to George?
Nothing. I just picked him up. He fainted.
Are you all right, sir?
- I don't know, I... Who are you?
- A friend of mine.
He runs that fishing place
out on the new highway.
Oh, well, I'm sorry. I thought you...
All right, guard, open up the doors, please.
It's all right, folks.
Nothing to be frightened about.
Just a mistake,
everything will be all right.
- Toby, are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm all right, Holly. I'm all right.
- Hello, Mr Endicott.
- Hello, dear.
Well, maybe you can tell me
what this is all about?
I don't know.
It just seemed to happen all at once.
- Well, Mr Binkley yelled for help and...
- No, I didn't.
George, remember you're a vice president.
Please get off the depositors' table.
- Well, I didn't yell for help.
- Toby did.
- Well, I thought he was sick.
- This man broke into the bank vault...
I understand, guard. Here's your gun.
Just go about your business.
Yes, sir.
Well, let's get down to fundamentals.
Now, young lady, what are you
and this gentleman doing in our little bank?
- We want to borrow $2,000.
- Please.
Well, you went to the right person.
George here is our loan officer.
Could we have the money right now, sir?
You see, the parking meter
is running outside...
Well, Toby, we don't do things
quite that fast here.
Why don't we come to my office?
I think George needs to sit down.
Well, come along. Come along, George.
So if we can get the dock and the boats
and the outboard motors...
...we could rent them,
make a lot of money, and build a house.
Well, George here is the man
you're gonna have to convince.
You frightened him to death,
now it's his turn to frighten you.
Mr Kwimper, the bank must have security...
...well, that is to say that we have to
be sure that we'll get our money back.
- Now, this is Mrs Kwimper?
- Oh, no, sir. She just lives with me.
Well, I didn't mean to pry.
I think you're getting
the wrong impression, George.
How long have you lived
with the Kwimpers?
Since I've been about 13.
Toby's Pop took me in...
...for the same reason he took in Ariadne
and the twins. We had no place to go.
- Get the picture, George?
- Oh, thank you.
Yes. Yes, sir.
Now, this land that you're living on...
...well, is it mortgaged?
- I don't know, sir. We don't own it.
- We're homesteading.
Well, we can't very well lend you
money on property you don't own yet.
- Well, we own our john.
- I didn't quite catch that.
Our john, and I guess we own the house
that we built for it, too.
Yes. Well, let's move on here, shall we?
Now, how about your car?
Well, that car means an awful lot to Pop
even though it only cost $50.
Besides, it's got fried hubcaps.
Of course.
Well, George, you've got to admit
he's been giving you honest answers...
...not cagey ones, but honest.
A week ago he refused to take $20
for a public fish.
That's very commendable. I think that...
How is that?
It doesn't really matter.
I happen to have a very high opinion
of honesty.
Well, yes, sir, of
course. But is it security?
It just might be that this is
the only real security there is.
Well, sir, I became a vice president
of this bank...
...because I made it a habit
never to contradict the boss.
This bank is about to lend you $2,000.
We're very grateful, sir,
but I don't want to try to fool anybody.
Now that car of Pop's is in a terrible mess.
It doesn't matter, Toby. What we're making
is known as a character loan.
We do it now and then, but not
often enough for the good of our souls.
- Don't you agree, George?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yes, sir.
Well, nice having done business
with you, Toby.
Thank you, Mr Endicott.
- And you, Holly.
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh, Mr King.
- Yes?
Miss Claypoole's office just called. She has
your memo and she can see you now.
Good. Call her back
and tell her I'll be right there.
Yes, sir.
Well, I gather you don't think highly
of these Kwimper people.
You gather good.
They sound half hillbilly, half hobo to me.
With a tincture of Bowery bum
and possibly wino.
Well, Arthur, if this memo of yours
is correct, this is a case for the police...
...not for Social Welfare.
Does the memo imply
they've broken the law?
I don't recall making any such statement.
Well, it says, "A social contagion
that aims its poison of indifference...
"...and sloth at the soul
of our social structure."
- Well, is that funny?
- No.
Sorry, Arthur, you do get a bit stuffy
when you get angry.
Yes, Alisha, when a few parasitic individuals
set themselves above the interests...
...of six million taxpayers, I get angry,
and stuffy, and determined!
Well, if these people
are what you represent...
...the State Welfare can make them
want to be someplace else.
But I'm afraid I can't take your word
for it, I'll have to interview them.
Alisha, how dare you imply
I'd misrepresent this situation?
Arthur, keep your shirt on.
You've already admitted you were angry.
Now what Welfare Officer would take
the recommendations of an angry man?
And remember, I didn't take this job
for livelihood. I enjoy my work.
I must say, interviewing the Kwimpers
does look like a lot of fun.
- Good morning, Holly.
- Good morning, folks.
- Did you get my yarn I needed?
- Yeah, I'll bring it over in a few minutes.
Pop, Toby, it's last Sunday's. The man
at the fishing tackle place saved it for me.
Now, listen...
"New Bay Development
Open to Homesteading.
"New Enterprise to Cater for Fishing Parties.
"The exact status at this newly created
bay development is a bit of a puzzle.
"It cannot be restricted by municipal
or county ordinances...
"...as it lies outside their jurisdiction."
Now, hold on, Holly, you're turning
my head with talking so fast...
But, Toby...
Son, that means that the city or the county
ain't got no say over us.
Even their police can't come in here
and tell us what to do.
That's why we got a lot of neighbours.
See, folks can take so much government...
...then they gotta bust out
and go where there ain't none.
- Understand, son?
- I think so, Pop, I...
It's kind of funny, all them fellows
living in one trailer, ain't it?
Ain't no business of ours.
- Too much pressure. Too much pressure.
- Yep.
You know,
maybe we should pay them a call, huh?
Sounds to me like they got enough callers.
Well, I just don't feel right
acting standoffish to neighbours.
Suit yourself, Holly.
Toby, come on with me.
I'll take them some coffee.
Don't wanna go empty-handed.
- It's your move, Pop.
- I know it, son.
Here, it's nice and fresh.
All right, punk,
where do you think you're going?
- Hold it right there.
- Give me that.
- Watch it, you'll make me spill it.
- What do you got there?
Hey, look at the popsie.
She's got a knife on her.
Give me that.
- What is this?
- This punk threw acid on my hand.
You'd better watch it, Carmine,
that dame, she slashed me with a knife.
I never did anything of the kind.
All right, hold it you two.
Put a flash on them.
Look, we're just trying to be neighbourly.
I'm sorry you fellows got hurt,
but you done it to yourselves.
A pot of coffee and a can opener.
A couple of great muscle men you are.
Holly here made you some coffee.
Would you like to try some?
Sure thing. You two must be from next door.
- Yeah, glad to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you.
Would you like to come inside,
meet my partner, Nick?
If you put some butter on it,
it'll take the sting out of it.
- Come on in.
- Thanks.
- What's that?
- What's what?
Well, Holly ain't never been nowhere.
That's a pool table, honey.
First one I ever seen
without pockets, though.
Yeah, well, you just cover the bet
and make yourself some easy money, Sam.
What did you do, send out for something?
No, Nick, these people are from next door.
They brought us some coffee.
- Coffee? What for?
- You drink it.
Is he kidding?
I don't think so. He's like that.
Well, Toby and I
just like to be neighbourly, that's all.
Sure, do you want me to pour you a cup?
No, no, no, bud, look, we're not neighbours.
This is a floating game, see?
We just stick around in one place until
it gets too hot. Then we move along. Get it?
Oh, sure. Well, they tell me it don't get
hot around here till about the middle of July.
He is like that, ain't he?
No, you see, it gets hot for us
anyplace we go after a couple of days.
Well, if it gets hot anyplace,
what did you come here for?
Well, it was on the way.
Oh, then you're not just running away
from the government.
- What was that?
- Well, Toby thinks maybe you...
...saw that piece in the paper
about there being no government.
No, what kind of government?
Well, it said that the State
built this here land...
...and the county ain't got no
say-so over it, the city neither.
Hey, could this be on the level?
You know, it sounds screwy enough,
it could be kosher.
That's what it sounds like to me.
Oh, baby, this kind of a chance
comes along once in a lifetime.
Carmine, you know this could turn out
to be an East Coast Las Vegas.
Oh, you mean
because there's no police here?
- Now you're digging it, little lady.
- Yes, but what about after we file?
- File what?
- Our claim.
Once we've lived here for six months,
we can claim the land.
Pop says that it'll be
part of the county then.
Well, this land claiming idea
don't sound too good.
Now, I bet it would
if Pop explained it to you.
Yeah, well, where is he?
In that woodpile next door?
Well, he wasn't in the woodpile
when we left. He was...
Well, let's visit him anyway.
After you, please.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, baby, is this a sweet deal?
Carmine, nobody's gonna mess it up.
- You're not planning any rough stuff?
- We do it nice if we can.
Now, your kid here tells me
you're gonna put in a claim for this land?
That's about the size of it.
Well, that would be a big mistake.
Bring the cops here.
Right nice of you to warn us
but I know all about it.
Well, I like to do things nice if I can.
Now there's $2,000.
Carmine and me want to buy your place.
- Oh, no, you can't...
- We ain't gonna sell.
We got $2,000 in this
without counting the brainwork.
All right, I'll make it $5,000 and the
government will give you capital gains.
Don't mention the government to me.
I tried to help the government out
with everything they wanted to do.
With relief, with compensation,
with disability.
They cut me off.
Well, if that's the way they feel about it,
don't mention the government to me.
- He's your father?
- That's my pop.
Sure, that figures.
All right, I'll go a little higher,
but don't push it too high.
Well, if Pop says we
don't sell, we don't sell.
You don't sell?
Well, I tried to do it nice.
There it is, Alisha.
A perfect example
of how a tenement slum commences.
- Which one is the Kwimper's?
- The hideosity with the dock.
What about the rest of the homesteaders,
you plan to get rid of those, too?
I certainly am. One way or another,
once you've got rid of the Kwimpers.
How long will it take you?
Well, Arthur, it's not going to be
any quick thing.
The State Welfare requires a complete list
of interviews with everybody concerned.
Very well. Start interviewing.
How long has he been here?
It doesn't matter.
He's got the IQ of a grasshopper.
Well, with those shoulders,
he sure looks like a genius to me.
Introduce me, Arthur.
Kwimper, this is Miss Alisha Claypoole.
She is our State Welfare supervisor.
- Oh, how do, ma'am?
- Oh, stay right where you are.
- You can go now, Arthur.
- But...
Thank you, Arthur.
- What's your first name?
- Toby.
- Mine's Alisha.
- Well, how do, Alisha?
Oh, please relax.
Did you understand what Arthur King meant
when he mentioned your IQ?
I reckon he meant I'm not smart.
- I hope he didn't hurt your feelings.
- No, ma'am.
There's a couple of things
I am smart about...
...and one of them's
not letting my feelings get hurt easy.
That's smart. That's even wise.
Anybody ever tell you
you're very handsome?
- Only girls.
- Don't you like girls?
I like girls all right,
except when they start to bother me.
A young, virile man like you,
I should think you'd love to be bothered.
Well, the bothering part is all right,
but I ain't gonna marry no girl...
...and build no house
just so I can be bothered regular.
Flight from paternity.
Oedipus is everywhere.
- I beg your pardon, ma'am?
- Nothing.
You know, Toby, that the State Welfare
Department is deeply interested in you.
- How come?
- 'Cause you're a very interesting man.
I am?
You have exquisite proportions,
why, your legs are amazing...
That tickles, ma'am. That tickles.
That's because I hit
a very sensitive nerve that...
If you have finished tickling Toby's leg,
I'd like him to do a chore.
- Who would this be?
- That's Holly.
Hello, Holly. Say "how do you do" to Alisha.
- A member of the Kwimper family?
- Oh, Holly's practically a sister to me.
- What does practically mean?
- We're not related.
Alisha here is a State Welfare supervisor.
That's lucky.
Somebody's welfare around here
needs supervising.
- Come and help me fill the water barrel.
- I just filled it last night.
Well, it fell over.
I think the twins must have pushed it.
Look, that barrel weighs
200 or 300 pounds, Holly.
The twins couldn't have turned it over.
- Maybe they had a little help.
- I'll fill it for you later, honey.
Much later.
Right now, Alisha's got to figure out
my welfare.
I've never seen Holly look so upset.
She must be awful thirsty.
Toby, look at me.
You know, total navet
is a hard thing to believe.
But I believe it.
What did you say, ma'am?
Never mind, it's a compliment.
Oh. Thank you. I'll give you one,
just as soon as I can make one up.
Can't you think of a compliment
without making it up?
Well...
Try.
Try real hard.
Hey, Toby...
...how are the fish running today?
You ain't got your mind on work, though,
have you?
This is about as private as a subway.
Come with me.
I ain't got any secrets.
Well, we just can't have a good interview
with people intruding.
- You comfortable?
- Yes, ma'am.
Oh, I see.
- You need another pillow?
- No, this is fine, thank you.
Well, Toby,
I need to know my subject inside out...
...every intimate detail
in order to prescribe help.
I didn't know you was fixing to help me.
Seeing you're friends to Mr King and all.
Oh, don't worry about Arthur King.
State Welfare wants to help you.
That's what the word "welfare" means,
isn't it?
Yes, ma'am. I never said it didn't.
Well, let's start
with the word association test.
I'll say a word and you say the first word
that pops into your head.
Well, wouldn't it be safer
if I give it a little thought, first?
No, this is a test
to probe your subconscious.
We all know our motives
on the conscious level...
...and those are the ones
we often try to conceal.
Now, if you answer me right away...
...I'll know the motives
you're trying to conceal.
And I'll know the real reasons
for the things you do and say.
Now, I got to think about that a little bit.
- Are you ready?
- Yep. Should I stand up?
Oh, no, no, just relax.
Now, first word...
...hurt.
Well, I don't think that's a word.
Doesn't matter.
Second word. Ready?
- Help.
- "Help"?
No, Toby, you don't repeat the word,
you just say what the word suggests to you.
Nobody yells "help."
They always yell "help, help."
So I was waiting for the other "help"...
...and when you didn't say "help,"
well, I said "help."
I see.
This isn't going to be quite as easy
as I expected.
Now, the third word.
- Steal.
- Home.
Oh, you poor boy. You think
somebody's trying to steal your home.
Willie Mays stole home.
Who's Willie May?
Not May, Mays. He's a baseball player.
Oh, never mind.
The association speaks for itself.
Now, number four.
Girl.
Dad.
- Holy Moses.
- Something wrong?
Toby, I'll just have to ask you
to explain that one for me.
That's the song they're playing.
On top of Old Smoky
where things get real hot
Where girls are a problem
which Dad knows I've got
That's pretty good, sing some more.
Follow that dream
I've got to follow that
Keep a-moving, move along
Keep a-moving
I've got to follow that dream
wherever that dream may lead
I gotta follow that dream
to find the love I need
When your heart gets restless
Time to move along
When your heart gets weary
Time to sing a song
But when a dream is calling you
There's just one thing that you can do
You've gotta follow that dream
wherever that dream may lead
You gotta follow that dream
to find the love you need
Keep a-moving, move along
Keep a-moving
Got to find me someone whose heart is free
Someone to look for my dream with me
And when I find her, I may find out
That's what my dreams are all about
I've got to follow that dream
wherever that dream may lead
I've got to follow that dream
to find the love I need
I've got to follow that dream
wherever that dream may lead
I've got to follow that dream
to find the love I need
Keep a-moving, move along
Keep a-moving, move along
Keep a-moving, move along
Keep a-moving, move along
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Any more words?
Yes. Love.
Thirty.
You think love begins at 30?
No, ma'am. Love is when you ain't got any.
- Any what?
- Any points. Like in tennis.
Love-15, love-30, love-40.
Maybe I should've said love-15,
but it ain't what I thought of.
That's all right. I just misunderstood you.
Now the last word.
Sex.
One times one is one, one times two is two,
one times three is three...
- Fascinating answer. Fascinating.
- Did I pass the test?
What you just did spontaneously
was express the realisation...
...that with one person, or one of
any species, sex is a sterile thing.
That can't produce more than the
original number that it started with.
But as soon as there are two,
it becomes productive.
Yes, ma'am. And that's something
you have to watch out for.
Toby, don't spoil the poetry of it.
Oh, well, that's enough work
for this afternoon.
Let's just lie back
and enjoy the afternoon sun.
Do you like me like this, Toby?
You're awful close.
Toby, just put your arm around me...
...and do whatever you think of...
...just like you did in the test.
I didn't know the government
gave this kind of test.
Toby.
Now.
One times one is one,
one times two is two...
...one times three is three,
one times four is four...
...Toby!
Toby, where are you?
- That's the end.
- No, that's Holly.
- Toby, you've gotta come home right away.
- What happened?
Somebody opened the bait box.
- Now, who'd do a fool thing like that?
- Holly and I know, don't we, Holly?
Well, come on, we've got customers waiting.
Okay. How did you happen
to find us, Holly?
Well, I just saw you turn off the highway...
...and I followed the dirt road
till the tyre tracks stopped.
- Smart girl. Good tracking.
- Just like an Indian squaw.
Well, at least we finished the test.
I'm sorry I got to go, Alisha.
Just as well.
- I'll be with you in a minute, Toby.
- Okay.
- Miss Claypoole.
- Yes?
I don't like being called a squaw.
- Did I hear a splash?
- Your friend went swimming.
Oh, I see.
- Swimming?
- Yeah.
- Holly.
- Yeah?
What word would you say
if I were to say a word...
...like "boys"?
I wouldn't say anything.
You wouldn't say anything, why not?
I'd wait for you to finish
whatever you started to say.
Oh, you wouldn't have done no better
at that test than I done then.
You were doing just fine, when I arrived.
I was doing the multiplication tables.
Were you, Toby?
- Were you really?
- Yep.
You know what?
Right after dinner,
I'm gonna teach you the nines table...
...and right on through the 12's.
You hear me?
You know, Holly, I can't help
but worry about why that Alisha came here.
Whatever it was, Mr King put her up to it.
I sure hope I didn't say nothing wrong...
...or they'll use it against us
as sure as baby rabbits.
Especially after you pushed her
into that water.
Oh, Toby, how did you know?
Still too much pressure.
I gotta fix that.
Hi, Mr Endicott, come on in.
Hi, folks.
- Good morning, Mr Endicott.
- Good morning, Toby, boys.
I thought I'd get a little
early fishing in today.
- Have a cup of coffee?
- I don't mind if I do. Thanks.
- Quite a few changes around here lately.
- Yeah, noisy ones, too.
Why don't they turn down that radio?
- That ain't no radio.
- It's an orchestra.
At 6:00 in the morning?
- It's been playing all night long.
- Every night.
Have you talked to them?
I talked to them, they said if
it's too noisy, they'd buy us out.
Not only that,
they threw dead fish in our water barrel...
...cut loose our rowboats
from their moorings...
...and somebody dropped
a green paint bomb in the john...
while it was occupied. By me.
Call the cops.
Yeah? But the cops ain't got no say here.
Only federal cops.
When we called the FBI
and asked them to help us get some sleep...
...they got right snippy.
You know,
we ought to elect our own sheriff.
- Could we have our own sheriff?
- Well, you might at that.
If you got all your neighbours together
and elected one...
...the State might grant you a city charter.
Of course, it'd be a mighty small city.
But then, there've been smaller ones.
I'll have my lawyers check into it.
- What was that?
- Somebody made an eight.
The hard way.
- Don't forget your hat.
- Oh, Holly.
Now, you were elected sheriff,
you gotta look like one.
I don't like all this fuss.
Look, son,
this is your first official act as sheriff.
It's like being part of the government,
I don't know whether I like that.
But go ahead, son.
Do your best now, will you?
All right, Pop.
- Where's Nick?
- In the office. Right there.
Come in.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
Well, if it isn't our new sheriff.
- Come on in, Toby. Sit down.
- Thank you, sir.
Make yourself comfortable.
- Would you like a drink?
- No, thanks.
You know, it's gonna be a wonderful feeling
having you around here to protect us.
- It is?
- Yeah.
Carmine and me and the boys...
...we're all going to be able to sleep
a lot better now.
I sure hope so.
Sheriff, we were wondering,
what's gonna be your policy?
Policy?
I pledge allegiance to the flag,
and to the country for which it stands...
...one nation indivisible with...
No, that's not what we want to know.
Is it?
Lt'll do for openers.
No, what we were
really interested in, Sheriff...
...is what ordinances are you gonna enforce?
I guess I'm gonna enforce them all.
Ain't no need in favouring one over another.
All what? I mean, what are the local laws?
Well, the same as anywhere else.
People ain't gonna be allowed
to make a nuisance of themselves...
...like you and Nick here have been doing.
Well, that's not a law,
the way you're saying it.
I mean, a law has to be spelled out
so a man knows what he's paying off for.
Right?
Well, I guess a man generally knows
when he's wrong, but I guess you're right.
So I'll lay it out the best I can.
Folks all agreed that 11:00 at night...
...would be a good time to stop drinking
liquor and raising ruckuses and everything.
So if you fellas will just close up shop
at 11:00...
...you won't have no trouble at all.
Oh, if we just close up shop
at 11:00 at night...
...we won't have any trouble at all, huh?
Now, listen, are you nuts?
Our joint doesn't get started till 11:00.
I know that, Nick.
And a lot of folks would rather take a licking
than close up at 11:00. You fellas are lucky.
What are you talking about?
Operating out of a trailer...
...you can just up and move away
without losing a single night's business.
Oh, we can, huh? Thanks.
Oh, you'd have thought of that, Nick.
No, I don't think so. No.
That's the way it's going to be, huh?
I mean, there's no point in discussing
a more sensible arrangement...
...like let's say 2:00 or 3:00?
It wouldn't work out, Carmine.
See, the folks have got to have their rest,
you know?
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll go about my business.
Where you going?
I'm going out and tell the folks
they have to go home by 11:00.
- I can't let you do that, Toby.
- Well, why not?
Oh, 'cause I like you. And the boys like you.
- Right, boys?
- Right, Nick.
Now, being a sheriff
can be a very dangerous thing.
Like, if you walk around out there
with that badge on...
...you might make
some of our players nervous.
And some of our players get very rough
when they get nervous, see?
You don't wanna be no sheriff, Toby.
- Terrible things happen to sheriffs.
- Like what, Nick?
- Blackie, Al, tell him.
- Sure, boss.
Explain it to him good.
- The full treatment?
- Yeah, the full treatment.
Oh, I appreciate it very much, Nick.
My pleasure.
You'll excuse us, Carmine and I
have some business to take care of.
Sure. Sure.
Nice talking to you again.
Let me tell you about some of the things
a sheriff runs up against.
First, don't you have a gun or a club?
Oh, I don't see no need for it.
I figure if a man is going to be
a peace officer...
...he shouldn't go around
looking un-peaceful.
No gun, no club.
But I can wrestle.
I can wrestle real good, though.
Yeah, but suppose
someone sneaked up behind you?
Yeah. And grabbed your arms like this.
And another one was in front of you
and he had a sap like this.
And he wrapped it around his wrist like
this. You'd be helpless, wouldn't you?
Unless I done something like this.
Hey, fellas?
Fellas?
Blackie, I'm sorry,
I was just showing you...
Al?
Blackie?
I think they've had enough time.
Now, why don't you run
the station wagon around back...
...and we'll hand his body out
through the window to you.
What'll I do with him?
Well, if he's still breathing,
drop him off at the nearest hospital.
What happened?
They were showing me
how I shouldn't get hurt.
I wish they'd wake up
so I could apologise to them.
I don't think they can hear me now.
No, I don't think so, either.
Al.
Al!
Hey, Blackie.
Blackie!
I didn't mean to hurt them.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I have your attention, please!
Hey, listen.
Hey, what are you doing?
I figure if I flick these lights a
little bit, I'll get some attention.
- You can't do that.
- Oh, yes, I can. It's easy. Watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, now listen to me!
He did it. He did it!
- They're wrecking the whole joint.
- Who're you calling?
I'm sick and tired of you bush leaguers.
I got to get some real pros down here.
- Operator.
- Long distance.
May I help you?
Yeah, of course you can help me.
Get me Detroit.
What do you want
to lock someone out of there for?
Son, that's inhuman.
It ain't for locking out, Pop,
it's for locking in.
You see, if I had to arrest somebody...
...this is about the only place
we can use for a jail.
It could be inconvenient.
- Yeah.
- Toby.
Someone just called from the gas station.
One of our rowboats
washed up down the point.
Well, I'll hike down there and row it back.
- Can I go with you?
- Sure.
- Here.
- No, Holly.
I don't want to be no sheriff now.
No, a sheriff wears his hat all the time.
That's just like a woman.
Oh, Toby, why is it...
...that every time you don't like what I do,
I'm a woman.
And every time you're pleased with me,
I'm a little girl?
That's just because you ain't neither one.
You're just a little nuisance, that's all.
Just a little nuisance.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Well, the signals off?
- Oh, no, they're still on.
- Good.
- Only the joker isn't home.
Blackie saw him go down the highway
about 20 minutes ago.
He's got a broad with him.
And he's wearing a hat
like the White Hunter.
- You know, like a sun helmet.
- And he's got a deputy's badge.
I got it.
- Thanks for thinking of me.
- Yeah, yeah. Sure.
Count it, Pete.
Well, that's that.
- Nick?
- Yeah.
Let's go fishing.
Fishing?
Hey, Blackie, there's a couple
of hurricane lamps in the back room...
...bring them over to the pier.
We get a couple of fishing rods
and we go fishing.
What, have you gone nuts?
We get the old man to help us
with the bait and everything.
- Carmine, I don't want to go...
- Wait a minute.
You don't like the alibi?
We go fishing.
Golly, that was close.
- You all right, Holly?
- Yeah.
Darn fools, they must be
drunker than a bunch of skunks.
They looked like
they were trying to run us down.
Oh, now, just 'cause they're drunk
don't mean they tried to do it on purpose.
See, they must be drunk.
They done went got themselves
stuck in the sand.
Honey, you get out in the woods
and wait a little while.
Why? What are you gonna do?
I'm the sheriff, ain't I?
I gotta teach them drunks a lesson.
If they done that on purpose...
...I don't want to have to worry
about you getting hurt.
Now, move along, now. Move along.
- We're stuck.
- No kidding.
All right, you and Pete get out and push.
- And what are you gonna do, grunt?
- Never mind, I think I can make it.
I'm the sheriff here, fellas...
...and I can't give you these keys back
till you're fit to drive.
Take care of the sheriff, Pete.
Turn on the music.
And make it loud. I like it loud.
Well, what are you waiting for?
- Where's your gun?
- I got it.
Now what I want to talk to you fellas about...
Get the artillery!
Holly.
Holly!
Holly?
Over here.
Boy.
Them guys are drunk out of their minds.
One of them tried to shoot me.
No!
They must be on a hunting trip
or something. The whole car's full of guns.
They're coming after you.
Yeah, I know.
I guess I'd better try to sober them up.
Now you stay here, Holly.
Hey, fellas.
I'm over here, fellas.
They told us this character
didn't carry no gun, right?
Right. I seen him pretty good.
- Yeah, yeah, he was empty.
- Good.
Hold it.
I think we got him.
- I don't see him.
- Neither do I.
He's around here somewhere.
- Let me have the flashlight.
- Here.
Hey!
Didn't even get close, fellas!
Mighty poor hunters.
- Sounds like he's over there.
- No.
Over there.
No, there he is. See the hat?
Hold it, spread out a little.
And when I turn the flashlight on him,
give him everything you've got.
Good. Move.
- Louie?
- Yeah.
- I thought I told you to spread out.
- Well, I was...
Never mind, stay close.
I'm a better shot than you are anyway.
Here, take the flashlight.
Now, you know, drunks oughtn't to be
shooting guns anyway.
Hey, Louie! Pete! Louie! Pete!
- Pete, come here.
- What's the matter, what happened?
- What happened?
- I don't know, he got my gun.
- Well, how did he do that?
- What's the difference? He got it.
- And where's your flash?
- He got that, too.
- Why don't we get out of here?
- Which way is out?
He might hear us.
There he is.
Now blast him.
This time I know we got him.
What is this?
- You see him?
- No.
- Me, neither.
- What are you shooting at?
All right, fellas, you're surrounded!
If you want to keep on making trouble...
...I'll give you one guess
who's gonna be sorry.
Look, Mac, it was all a mistake, you know.
- It's always a mistake to get drunk.
- Hey, you quit and we'll quit.
I ain't quitting till I get them guns
off of you, all of them.
Just drop them right there and move away.
No, that ain't reasonable, Mac,
got nothing doing.
All right, Charlie, Larry, let them have it!
Okay, okay.
You can have the stinking hardware. Drop it.
Turn to your right and keep walking.
All right, that's far enough.
I'll put the car keys back in the ignition
for you, fellas.
Wait a minute, Mac.
You're not gonna leave us
in this jungle, are you?
Well, you gotta sober up somewhere.
I would lock you up...
...but the three of you'd be
kind of cramped in our john.
Yeah...
Look, after we sober up,
how do we get out of here?
Well, when the sun comes up,
you just walk straight towards it...
...and that'll take you back to the road.
You fellas
better not hang around here anymore.
Don't worry, Mac.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- How long you been in this business?
- Ten years.
Twelve.
You meet all kinds of people.
Those terrible men trying to kill you.
I just don't understand it.
It don't make no sense to me, either.
Holly, somebody's sneaking
around our porch.
- It might be Pop.
- No, it ain't Pop, he's down on the dock.
Here, hold this.
Got you.
He's being so touchy about a little joke.
What was he doing here?
I don't know, he was
carrying this stuff here.
What is it?
- Kerosene. Must belong to Nick.
- Oh, I'd better take it back over to them.
- Hi, Toby.
- Hi, kids.
Where's the boat?
We'll have to drive down
and load it onto the car.
Come on, we'll tell Pop about it.
- Hey, I got another one.
- Good, good, good.
You pay for the fish by the pound,
you pay for the line by the yard...
...then keep fishing, keep fishing. Good.
- It's a big one. Did you see that?
- A good one, big one.
- Good evening, folks.
- Hello, Tob.
- How's the fishing?
- Good, good.
- Don't make a move, Nick, look what he got.
- Yeah, I see it.
What kind of gun is that you got there, son?
Well, it's just a little old burp gun, Pop.
What will those kids take
to lay off that stuff?
All right, kids, quit it.
You're getting the dock all bloody
and everything.
Nick...
I think I'm gonna be sick.
You think you're sick at your stomach, huh?
Oh, that's bad, makes you feel
like you're gonna die, don't it?
He's driving me nuts,
playing around like this.
No, I ain't playing.
Pop, I'm gonna need the car
for a little while...
...on account of something that happened
back out there in the woods.
Help yourself, son.
Would you gentlemen be interested
in taking a little ride with me?
Okay, boys, ready for bed.
- Do we have to?
- Yeah, you have to. Go on.
- Evening, gentlemen.
- Evening.
Toby, do you have to carry
that awful gun around?
Oh, it's just to scare people with, Holly.
- Is he kidding?
- I just don't know anymore.
Oh, your friend Blackie, he left a jug
of kerosene and a package under our porch.
I took them back to your place.
- You what?
- Our place?
Yeah, it's right inside the door.
You can find it easy enough.
We can, huh?
Ten, nine, eight...
...seven, six, five...
Do you do
the multiplication tables, too, Nick?
...three, two, one.
I'll be doggone, your place blowed up, Nick.
It's on fire, too.
- He must be kidding.
- I'm still not sure.
We're getting out of here. For good!
- Do you think he'll let us?
- Let you?
Why, the sheriff ain't got no say-so
about where you go.
Come on.
Me, I'm just as glad they're gone.
I never did cotton up to them.
It ain't nice to say it, Pop...
...but I never did truly believe
them fellas was honest.
Never did.
Pop!
Pop!
They took the kids away.
They took the kids away.
Take it easy, now, Holly. Take it easy.
Just slow down, honey.
Tell us what happened.
I went to the school to pick up the twins
and I had Ariadne with me.
And then they wouldn't let the twins go.
They took Ariadne, too.
Who did?
I don't know. He had a policeman
and a State Trooper.
And he said that he was taking them
to the Welfare Department.
He said that it was the law and that
there was just nothing he could do about it.
The Welfare Department.
That means that Claypoole woman
had something to do with this.
- You're quite right, Mr Kwimper.
- What are you two doing in my house?
One for you, one for you, and one for you.
Mr King, you're a witness that action
took place legally.
Well, you can witness this, too.
This here is our sheriff...
...and he's gonna arrest this woman
for snitching our kids.
We're gonna get those kids back
or she's gonna get locked up in the john.
Prison, I mean.
The children are under the custody
of the State Welfare Department...
...by the court order of Judge Waterman.
Judge Waterman respects my opinion
as State Welfare supervisor...
...and it is my opinion that you people
are simply not fit to raise children.
What a dirty thing you are.
A dirty, dirty, dirty thing.
- Why, that's quite a vocabulary...
- Now you just hold on, ma'am.
You just hold on.
Did them twins do something wrong?
No, the twins did nothing wrong.
Nothing they could help,
considering their environment.
The hearing is at 9:00 tomorrow morning,
but we might consent to a postponement.
- All right, what's the catch?
- Quite simple.
If you were planning to go back
where you came from...
...the court would probably
relinquish jurisdiction...
...let you take your problems home
with you.
We're supposed to
up and leave our property here...
It's not your...
As a public servant, I must tell you again.
This whole area was put in
for the public's benefit.
How can you get your hat on
with your head so crooked?
Do you think the people is one thing
and the public is another thing?
You're like every department jackass
I ever knowed.
You do nothing for a single, solitary soul...
...and that is because you're pretending
you're doing something for everybody.
For the public.
Who do you think the public is
but me and him and her?
God, please turn your head away.
And you and you.
Now get out of here and leave us alone.
- But don't you...
- Don't argue with him, Arthur. Let's go.
Some mighty fine talking, Pop.
I'd have done better
to save my gums for tomorrow.
We'll get the kids back, won't we, Pop?
I ain't gonna lie to you, Holly.
I'm worried, I'm right worried.
Everybody, please rise.
This is a hearing based on a request
by the Department of Public Welfare...
...for a court order, giving the Department
control and guardianship...
...over these three children I see here.
Mr Kwimper,
are you represented by counsel?
Come again, Judge?
Have you got a lawyer?
No, sir. Don't believe in them. Never did.
- Don't you indeed?
- No, sir.
Well, suit yourself.
Thank you, Judge.
Now then,
since this is a hearing and not a trial...
...let's keep it simple and informal.
- Miss Claypoole, would you start us off.
- Thank you.
Your Honour, the Department
of Public Welfare is charged...
...with the responsibility of ministering
to the well being of all its citizens.
Particularly those of its children.
The cases of these three children
have caused the Department deep concern.
Why, the twins live in a home...
...that is hardly more than a breeding
ground for delinquency and crime.
The Kwimper adults are immoral,
defiant of authority...
...and strongly suspected of illicitly
obtaining funds from government agencies.
And they are also known
to have associated closely with gangsters.
I shall document each of these charges
when the time comes.
As part of our proof that the Kwimpers
are unfit to raise children...
...I shall ask Mr King to report
on his dealings with the Kwimper family.
By taking advantage of a technicality,
Your Honour...
...these people set their own interests
above those of six million taxpayers.
When I tried to persuade the Kwimpers
to abandon their antisocial point of view...
...I received nothing but abuse...
...in the course of which,
the elder Kwimper boasted...
...that he habitually received relief funds
as well as aid to dependent children.
I later learnt that Toby Kwimper
served in the Army...
...where he tricked the doctors into
awarding him a total disability allowance.
I use the word "tricked" advisedly.
I can prove that he suffers...
...from no physical disqualifications at all.
Anything more?
Quite a lot, Your Honour.
The Department should like to point out...
...that the Kwimpers have no legal status
as guardians for these children.
Moreover, the Kwimpers encouraged
two notorious gangsters...
...to set up a gambling establishment
in their neighbourhood.
Subsequently, the Kwimpers quarrelled
with the gangsters...
...burnt down their establishment,
and finally drove them out at gunpoint.
Yes, I heard something about that.
Frightening.
Terrible.
So is the fact that an unmarried girl...
...by the name of Holly Jones
lives with the Kwimpers...
in a relationship
that I would not care to explore.
Goodness.
What a terrible thing to say.
Be quiet. You will have an opportunity
to answer the charges.
One final point, Your Honour.
As a qualified psychologist, I gave
Toby Kwimper a word association test...
...which is designed
to reveal basic motivations.
It was during the process
of giving this test...
...that I was attacked
and knocked down by Miss Jones.
And you people claim
that you don't need a lawyer?
What did the test reveal?
Attitudes that were shocking
to the entire Welfare Department.
I submit a copy to the court.
Well, what have you to say about all this?
Judge, would you mind if we hashed
this over by ourselves for a little while?
Hash it over, by all means.
Thank you, Judge.
Do you know what I think, Pop?
I think we don't look so good.
It's unfair. She's twisted every single fact.
- Now, somebody's gonna untwist it.
- Good for you, Pop.
Not me.
I'll get mad and that won't do any good.
You take care of it, Toby.
Me? I ain't very good at talking.
We won't be no worse off than we are now.
- Please, Toby.
- Go ahead, son. Go ahead.
- I don't know, Pop.
- Please. Please, son.
I'll probably make a mess of things, Judge...
...but Pop and Holly here,
they've got faith in me.
So, here goes.
You may still hire a lawyer.
Well, Pop's already said no to that...
...and Pop's usually right
about everything he says.
First off, maybe I was wrong...
...when I wanted to throw Mr King
off the property.
- Very gracious of you.
- Yes, sir.
There's no need for me to get ornery
just because Mr King got a little nasty.
Now, just what nasty thing did Mr King do?
He tried to throw us off the property
that he had no say-so about.
Got our backs up and everything.
Judge, would it be legal-like...
...if I were to answer some of the things
that was said against me, personal?
You may choose the order of your rebuttal.
That means it's all right?
Yes.
Well, about my back, then.
They told me at Fort Dix
that I strained my back...
...after my first judo lesson.
I told the docs it had straightened out
after the next lesson...
...and it weren't nothing to begin with.
But they said it was
and I had to go on total disability.
Now, I'm willing to admit that a doctor
might know just a little bit more than me...
...so I've been taking
the cheques ever since.
But the way it's worked out,
I might have done the wrong thing.
And if I did, I'm awful sorry.
Are you defending yourself,
or making a confession?
I'm just trying to tell what happened.
Is that all right?
Well, it's pretty unusual, but go on.
Judge, it don't do me no good...
...to talk against people
who ain't here to answer back.
But all we done to Nick and Carmine...
...was just return a package
they left at our house.
We didn't know there was a bomb in it.
If we'd have known it,
we'd have thrown it in the bay.
And we didn't chase them off
at gunpoint, either.
When their place blowed up,
they just up and beat it.
Well, if you can prove that,
it takes care of an important point.
Oh, I can prove it, Judge,
but it don't seem that important to me.
It doesn't, eh? Why not?
Well, if I was a Judge, in charge of deciding
who was to bring up three nice kids...
...I'd just be wondering...
...if Pop was a good man and if Holly...
...was a good woman.
You can ask the twins about Holly.
I mean, they're just kids,
but kids know who they love.
And who taught them everything they know
and made them like it.
Dog me, Holly's just a kid, too,
but they don't come no better.
And smart, too.
If it weren't for her, we'd really be
on relief right now or starving to death.
I've already pointed out why he'd be
prejudiced on that point, Your Honour.
I reckon I'm prejudiced
on a lot of points you ain't, ma'am.
First of all, I'm prejudiced against
twisting the truth around.
And I'm prejudiced against hurting kids.
Particularly hurting them
just because I'm sore at their folks.
- Judge, can I say something?
- Go ahead.
I don't like to say this, Judge.
I don't like to talk against
a woman's good name.
But for the sake of the kids, though,
I gotta do it.
Well, you certainly have me interested.
Hell ain't got no fury like a woman scorned.
Yes?
That's all, Judge.
Well, Mr Kwimper, your observation
may or may not be accurate.
I couldn't say which, myself.
But I would like to know why you said it.
I said it because it's true, Judge.
That Miss Claypoole there...
...she went after Toby
like he come with green coupons.
She was a leaning on him...
...she was tickling him, she was kissing him.
And when he paid her no never mind...
...she set out to give us
what hell ain't got no fury like.
Your Honour, I shall not dignify
that falsehood with a denial.
I should simply like to point out
that it is not I who am on trial here.
No one is on trial here, Miss Claypoole.
This is a hearing.
Now do you support
what your father just said?
I'd rather not answer that, sir.
Very well. Briefly then,
did Miss Claypoole ever kiss you?
Yes, sir.
Really, Your Honour...
...what do you expect them to say?
Why, they'll clutch at any straw.
Please be seated, Miss Claypoole,
and we'll have no further interruptions.
Continue.
I was talking about Pop...
...and how it might help you
to know the kind of man he is.
Pop don't like to be talked about and I
most generally try to do what he likes.
But I can't help myself this time, though.
My pop's an ornery man, Judge,
that's 'cause he's so smart.
He can't stand it when people act stupid.
I ain't so bright myself and it's a wonder
to me that we get along as well as we do.
Many a times I was a-minded
to go against him.
I thought maybe there was more to living
than just enjoying it the way Pop taught me.
But I was never dumb enough
to go against him, Judge.
And it usually turned
out I was glad I didn't.
Now, it's a fact that Ariadne and the twins
and Holly ain't no kin to Pop.
Now, don't that make you stop
and think, Judge?
You name me another man
that would take in three hungry children...
...just because they ain't got no
place to go and no one to turn to.
Pop ain't got no money. He ain't never had.
Why'd he take in three strange kids?
I'll tell you why, Judge,
it's 'cause he's a good man.
He's always been good to me
and he's always been good to them.
He always will be, too.
Now, that's all that matters here today,
and if you don't know that, Judge...
...you ain't no judge.
Your Honour...
...may I remind you of my findings
in this man's word association test?
He may mean well consciously...
...but his subconscious motivations
are all that really matter.
Well, have you anything to say
about that test?
- Yes, sir. Could I say it in private?
- Very well.
Thank you.
Counsel for the defence points out then,
very correctly...
...that his test has nothing to do
with the case.
It is his father who is
the children's presumptive guardian.
Well, let his father take the test.
I have one right here.
That was counsel's suggestion.
Yes.
That's a good idea.
Mr Kwimper, please.
Did you get light in the head?
Mr Kwimper, do you understand
the word association test?
- The test that Toby took? Yep.
- That's right.
Would you sit down there, please?
Very well, we may proceed.
Ready?
Yep.
Court.
Child.
We're cooked.
Moon.
Election.
House.
Those will be sufficient, Your Honour.
All right. Thank you very much, Mr Kwimper.
You're welcome, Judge.
- Can you analyse these answers now?
- I believe so.
Very well. We'll proceed.
Court. Crime.
Well, that's the simple-minded response
of a criminal nature.
A court is where you go
when you've committed a crime.
Now wait a minute.
Never mind.
Child. Labour.
Oh, that's obvious.
He thinks of children
in terms of exploiting their labour.
Oh, now, really, I think that is...
Your Honour,
I have a master's degree in psychology.
Moon. Shine.
That's an illegal liquor drunk by
illiterate, irresponsible alcoholics.
What about Shine On, Harvest Moon?
That's a song.
What's that got to do with alcoholics?
- I don't understand...
- That's enough.
Your request for a court order is denied.
I don't think you
understand. Any qualified...
...Miss Claypoole, you're the one
who doesn't understand this test.
Those answers were not Mr Kwimper's.
They were mine.
That was counsel's suggestion.
And you, Mr Kwimper,
were right about not needing a lawyer.
You couldn't have had a better one.
Well, this court has had
a remarkable experience today.
It's had the rare privilege
of listening to an honest man.
And it's had a further privilege.
It has heard the history
of a little settlement...
...a little colony that overcame hardships...
...fought back men of evil purpose...
...and survived all kinds of legalistic
and financial difficulties.
It's gratifying to know
that the spirit of the pioneer...
...the spirit that made this
the greatest country in the world...
...ladies and gentlemen...
...it's thrilling to know
that this spirit is still functioning today.
Our government needs it more than ever,
don't you think?
I agree, Judge. I'm willing to admit...
...that I've been letting
the government down a little lately...
I haven't been taking any relief
or unemployment insurance...
...but I'm willing to let bygones be bygones.
We'll get together sometime.
Yes.
Case dismissed.
I knowed it! I knowed it!
Eddy! Teddy! Ariadne!
Angel
Angel
Angel
with those angel eyes
Come and take this earthboy
Up to paradise
Angel
May I hold you tight?
Never kissed an angel
Let me kiss one tonight
If I said "I love you"
Would I be speaking out of turn?
I'm only human
but I'm willing to learn
Angel
make my wish come true
Let me be in heaven
here on Earth with you
Angel
Never kissed an angel
Let me kiss one tonight
If I said "I love you"
Would I be speaking out of turn?
I'm only human
but I'm willing to learn
Angel
make my wish come true
Let me be in heaven
here on Earth with you
Angel
Angel
- Hello, Holly.
- Hello, Toby.
- You look awful pretty tonight.
- Thank you.
Too bad ain't nobody here to see you.
Isn't it, though.
Toby.
I want the truth.
What did that Claypoole woman do
to make you kiss her?
- Oh, you know, Holly. You know.
- No, I don't.
Now, you answer me.
Oh, we was lying on them pillows,
remember?
I remember.
Well, we was lying on them...
Oh, I want you to show me
exactly what happened.
Step by step.
Now...
...you were lying down like this.
And then what?
Then she kind of leaned down
real close to me.
Like this?
She run her fingers over my forehead.
Like this?
Well, not so much like you was
ironing a shirt, it was a little softer.
That's it.
And then she made me
put my arms around her.
Like this?
Then she leaned down and kissed me
and I guess I kissed her.
Toby...
...are you doing that darn times table?
But you know something?
I never got to the 12's so fast.
12 times 12 is 144.
What bothers me
is what comes after the 12's.
Me, Toby.
Me.
Got to fix that.
She's loaded with pressure.