- Mr Costa?
- Yes.
Follow me.
- Your first time?
- Yes.
When you're done, come see me.
Good morning, Diego.
Time for breakfast.
I'll go see the banks!
You owe us 50 grand!
Vile want our money!
Got 50 grand?
I'll get it!
Love and kisses, Mum.
Dad wants you.
You're 45 minutes late.
I know.
- Speed it up.
- I'm racing.
You took the van home.
You're a drag!
I said not to use it
for personal reasons.
- I know...
- But you do anyway.
Yes.
Got the jerseys for tonight?
Sure.
This is serious, OK?
First game of the season.
Have you got the jerseys?
Do you hear answers?
- Hi,
Yes, baby. Yes...
Yes, you're my priority.
Crabs!
I wasn't talking to you.
That wasn't for you, honey.
Listen to me.
Why did I knock her up?
- Diego, never have kids. Promise.
- I promise.
You bet I'm listening.
I'm with customers right now.
You're breaking up.
It's the connec... lo?
Damn... Your... break... up.
...all you ba...
love.
She's killing me.
Let's go.
Sorted out your debts?
I'm hopeful.
I'm seeing the banks later.
Statistically, I should get a loan
but, if not, there's plan B.
I'll need your green thumb.
My green thumb?
No one else is any good with plants.
I bought
a small hydroponic greenhouse.
You're growing pot?
Yep.
Only top-end stuff.
Tangerine Dream.
2010 Cannabis Cup winner.
The Cannabis Cup? Shit...
Over 30 days to bloom
for a yield
of 200 to 400g a meter.
But with a good gardener...
500 to 700g. Are you in?
Absolutely. Great idea.
On top of the stress
of the labour alerts from that hysteric.
I could use my free time
to join a drug ring
and risk being part
of a huge court case.
Is that a yes?
No! It's a no, for God's sake!
How much do you owe?
- How much?
- 50 grand.
50 grand?
If you shout it, it sounds a lot.
Diego...
I love you like a son.
I am your son, Dad.
That's why I love you like a son.
But if you don't have the jerseys...
It's the team photo.
We need them.
I have them.
Do you have them physically?
- Can you actually touch the fabric?
- Yes.
- You say yes but you mean no.
- Calm down.
It's been three weeks.
- I have them!
- He won't have them.
He doesn't have them,
he won't have them.
For sure.
Listen, I have the jerseys!
You squinted.
Check his eyes!
See that, he squinted!
Enough! Please!
Cdric!
I was stuck in traffic!
30 minutes late.
Help me out.
I need them for the team photo!
Come on then.
I swear I have the jerseys.
You swear but can you really swear?
On our mother's grave.
Leave Mum out of this.
On Dad's life.
Yeah, mm;
What can happen?
They're in the van.
I don't believe you.
Shit!
Wait!
Shit...
Fuck...
Shit...
Hiya!
You.
I'm so happy to see
Hows it going?
You've got a damn nerve.
You vanish without a word,
then turn up like this?
When you love someone,
you don't just share the good times.
You have to be there
during the bad times too.
When you leave someone,
you lose that privilege.
I never left you, Elsa.
I've just been busy.
Cut the crap!
It's not crap.
I have a lot of work on right now.
We've been dating a year now
and I've never been to your place.
Why can't I come oval?
I never said you couldn't.
But termites
have wrecked my?oorboards.
OK, I get it.
We had water damage
earlier this year...
After that, we had...
fungus on the walls from the damp.
Dry rot. Like leprosy for a house.
So move out, Diego.
It takes time to get it decontaminated.
I'm hiring a drier to speed it up.
I'm pregnant.
And I'll raise it on my own.
What do you mean, on your own?
I'd rather be alone with a baby
than with a weird guy who has no life.
- I have a life.
- You don't, Diego!
You wake pregnant women
at midnight!
I didn't know...
You would
if you called more often!
One day, my kid will ask
what you were like.
I'd rather say you weren't around.
Because, deep down,
you didn't want to be.
I'm here.
- You're lying to yourself.
- No. I'm here.
Elsa, I'm...
For a fraction of a second,I was in shock.
But then the fear faded
and I told myself
it's the best thing
that could happen to me.
Tho, it's 4am.
Go back to bed!
Not in the pool.
In your bed, not in the pool.
Persuade Elsa to get an abortion.
Don't say that in front of your kids!
They knew they're too old
to get aborted.
I'm realizing...
I may well want a kid.
As a free man,
you don't want kids.
- I do.
- You don't.
Kids are...
like black holes, see.
Mini-vampires
that suck up all your energy,
your money, your time,
your hair...
- Remember my hail?
- Sure.
Look...
No hard-ens.
Cut it out, don't talk like that
in front of your kids.
Whatever I say, they never listen.
They hear nothing.
My kids don't pick up
my vocal frequency.
I'd share more with an amoeba.
Cut it out.
Believe me, Dieg.
It's tough getting a full erection.
No wood at my age isn't normal.
I should wake every morning
with a huge tent pole!
Five years age, remember?
You do.
No, I wasn't here.
Every morning,
the circus came to town.
And now...
Go back to bed, sweetheart.
No, not in the pool!
Listen...
I want a kid.
Don't reproduce,
the world's in a bad way.
I want order in my life.
So buy a ring binder.
You call this order?
Elsa!
Sorry...
Give me a second.
I'm here to tell you
I've officially decided
to get my life on track.
Diego, I'm working.
I'll convince you
I can be a father to this kid.
My colleagues don't need to know this.
Give me a minute.
I can't! We're shaking out a guy
who's growing cannabis!
Where?
Asnires.
Listen, I'll prove to you
I can be a father.
OK. GUYS. give me a break.
Come on, let's move it.
Hello, Mr Costa.
I'm Chasseigne, an attorney.
The lock was broken.
I took the liberty of coming in.
I've been trying to reach you,
Mr Costa.
Yo no soy Diego Costa.
Yo soy Carlos Jimenez
I jus' do da cleanin'.
I don't have much time
so I'll get to the point.
From 1988 to 1990,
you took part in research
for my client,
the Valle Fertility Clinic.
You donated sperm 693 times
under the name Fonzy
over 14 months
in return for 47,255 francs.
Around 7,500 euros today.
- No.
- Yes.
A recent administrative inquiry revealed
that as the Valle Clinic
was short of donors.
'Fonzy' was supplied
to numerous patients,
making you the father
of several children
aged between 17 and 22.
You have excellent sperm, sir.
Thank you.
Following the inquiry,
the clinic had to issue
a consanguinity warning.
How many kids?
You fathered 533 children.
142 wish to know who you are.
They've launched a class action
to force the clinic
to reveal your name.
They'll lose under French law,
but international conventions
state that they have the right
to knew their origins.
You signed a confidentiality agreement
with the clinic.
My client will protect you
and defend your right
to anonymity.
But the unusual nature of this case
could lead a judge
to favour their request
over your right to anonymity.
Get ready to defend yourself anyway.
If your name is leaked,
your daily life may become
rather turbulent.
That accent is pretty 900d-
Well?
Sit down.
All right...
You signed a confidentiality clause?
With the clinic. At the beginning.
I know I did.
Before or after you beat the meat?
Should an attorney ask that?
I'm hurt you never told me.
For God's sake...
You call pals when you bang a hot chick,
not when you masturbate.
If you want, from now on,
I can call you each time
with all the details.
- No.
- You sound interested.
Don't bother. Now listen...
The group's attorney claims
that aside from confidentiality,
basic rights have been violated.
Right-to-origins law is complex.
Very complex.
Every attorney dreams
of pleading a case like this.
A historic case
that'll set a legal precedent.
My mum said I'd never get anywhere.
All right...
I'll show the old bitch.
And my ex for splitting with the DA!
What do I do?
As your attorney. I say
stop masturbating in fertility centres.
I'll get a real attorney.
You can't afford a real one.
I need to get the Bar to reinstate me.
Call the Bar...
You aren't a member of the Bar?
A mere formality.
Chasseigne sent me the whole file,
the subpoena issued to the clinic
by your children and...
This.
What is it?
To try to persuade you,
the 142 kids
want you to know who they are.
There's a profile of each of your kids.
They're not my kids.
You don't have to open it.
I'm gonna eat you all!
I opened the envelope.
I shouldn't have but I did.
And at random...
Just guess...
Guess which file I pick at random.
How should I know?
Marvin!
This is wild!
Go!
Shit!
My genes were on that pitch.
He's my son!
It's like an extension of me
scored the game-winner.
Are your kids soccer pros?
Net as far as I knew
but they don't tell me everything.
Know what?
If you're subpoenaed,
we can plead mental alienation.
What?
We're going up
against a well-organised group.
Plead mental alienation.
Since the 1883 law
on diminished responsibility, if we show
during the trial,
that you were mentally unstable
at the time of the deed,
not one contract is valid.
But I don't have any mental problems.
If we see a shrink,
say it exactly that same way.
Pass, Diego!
What's his position?
No idea.
He's going to score.
- Shit!
- He's incoherent but he scores.
Can't you try passing to us?
Give me a break! I netted it!
Sure, but you're playing solo!
That blew you away!
After New York, Paris!
35 meters shorter
but with the same name
'Liberty Enlightening the World'.
The Statue of Liberty
is in fact its nickname.
Tall, free and revolutionary,
yet one huge mystery remains.
Why is the Statue of Liberty a woman?
No idea?
Because its designer, Bartholdi,
needed an empty head for the restaurant.
Don't go, ladies.
Chill, pal,
time for the Eiffel Tower.
How ya doin'?
sorry-
For Sybille Faber?
Yep.
I'm her dad, I want to play a trick.
Can I take it up?
What if you're a nutter
who hacks her up
and scatters the parts?
The cops will come hasslin' me!
I don't have an axe.
So take her p up
if that's what you're into.
Stop 'rt, Ben, don't: be a bastard.
Your money. I'm four euros short.
That's OK.
I didn't do a thing, I swear.
You can't dump me like this.
At least come and say it to my face.
It's not my fault!
Miss, it doesn't matter
about the four euros because...
You've won your p.
You've won
our Super Mozza sweepstakes.
A free pizza.
for anyone who orders mozzarella
on their pizza.
At Al Capone P,
we care about our customers.
Fuck you, Ben!
We believe in a more humane p...
Miss?
Shit!
- Let me go.
- You can't leave!
Get off my back!
You can't just walk out of here!
I'm going home!
This place sucks!
Sybille!
Calm down.
Who are you, sir?
If...
I'm the delivery guy,
I deliver...
He's my father.
Thank God you're here,
you need to sign my discharge.
May I have a word?
Your daughter was lucky this time.
There's a risk
in mixing drugs, pills and alcohol.
Her life isn't in danger
but next time could be worse.
The hospital has set up
72-hour counselling in cases like this.
Your daughter refuses to slay.
As she's still a minor,
it's your decision.
Let go of me!
All right.
- I'll talk to her.
- Thank you.
Hiya, Dad.
- Are you OK?
- Yes.
I don't know who you are
but please sign the papers.
They recommend three days
of counselling. It's not a bad idea.
I don't use.
I took my guy's drugs to piss him off.
OK, but this is serious,
mixing drugs, alcohol...
Counselling could be a good idea.
I'm not a user, I swear.
I just screwed up, OK.
If they keep me here,
I'll lose my internship.
I start tomorrow.
It's all I have in my life.
I beg you.
- Where's the internship?
- With Havas. A friend got me in.
It's the chance of a lifetime.
Please...
- You start at?
- Nine o'clock.
You know, in my life,
I tend to make
very, very bad decisions.
You're not making a bad decision
with me.
Thank you...
Dad!
The basics are simple.
We'll be carried
by a wind blowing at zoom/n.
Always keep your chin up.
Your arms rest on the wind.
Watch my signals for your legs
and stay relaxed.
Rest your elbow here.
Relax.
It's an iPhone torch!
It's OK, I'm leaving.
It's recorded now.
You get off fining nice guys, bitch?
Charming.
I'm just doing my job.
A bitch's job!
You don't talk to a woman like that.
Apologize!
I'm used to it.
Don't accept it, honey.
Let's hear an apology!
- Sony.
- Louder!
I'm sorry!
You don't call a woman a bitch
or ogle her behind!
I didn't ogle her.
Move along!
Don't just accept it.
Be strong.
Where the hell are you?
I'm at the cafe.
You're replacing me today.
I did tell you!
It's on the schedule.
You can't be serious.
Excuse me,
can I get an espresso?
Work something out and get here fast.
You're in Bordeaux'?
Fuck!
I think it's ready.
Could I have a spoon?
How much is it?
Two euros.
- You could be more pleasant.
- What?
A 'please' or a 'thank you'...
A little smile even.
As a barman...
Actually, that's the problem.
I don't want to be a barman.
I want to be an actor
and I'm missing a key audition.
Sony, I don't want to smile
for a coffee
nor for some washed-up ship's captain.
Sorry-
Where's the audition?
Across the city.
Can you drive a van?
I have my license.
Why?
I'll stand in here.
I can't let you take over.
It's my responsibility.
Don't worry, the captain's watching.
Why? I don't know you.
To help someone get ahead.
- Go on.
- OK. Thank you.
- Watch the van.
- It gels busy here.
Don't worry.
I'm not stupid. -
Vile know you set low standards
for yourself
but you don't even meet them.
Your limits of incompetence are infinite.
- 500 grams?
- Yes.
Thank you.
Your job entails just two things.
Loading the fish and delivering it.
The phone keeps ringing here
because you forgot
one of those two things.
The delivering!
I'm delivering.
I can't deliver more than I already do.
You don't deliver fish,
you keep it. Very handy.
I keep the fish,
don't touch it, it's mine.
It's mine, it's my fish.
Go ahead,I'm sorry.
Tea for me, handsome.
Coffee, please.
Yes, all right.
- Apple brandy!
- One?
Two? Three apple brandies.
Coffee or apple brandy?
Two coffees?
Stay at the bar, sir.
What'll you have?
A snappy explanation.
I'm the barman.
You're not, I'm the boss.
Let me explain.
Hugo had a big audition.
He can look for work.
Show some sympathy,
it's his big break.
- I am sympathetic.
- So?
He's no good, he's just no good.
They never pick him.
He's no good.
He fails every audition.
He's always saying it's his big break.
He's a good kid
but he's got it all wrong.
It's my fault. I told him to go
and lent him my van.
So tell him
he's no longer a barman
and lost his income
because of you.
What's wrong?
I lost my job, is that it?
Yeah.
- I got the part.
- You did?
I got the Pa"-
Thank you, I got it.
Awesome!
Here.
I had a revelation.
I can't be a father to 533 kids,
it's impossible.
It's impossible being a father to four.
But...
I can be their guardian angel.
Their guardian angel?
They need me to watch over them.
They need a guardian angel.
As their biological father,
that's my responsibility.
So you're saying
that your mission on earth
is to be a superhero for 533 kids?
Not a superhero.
When you watch over your kids,
do you wear Lycra?
Not a superhero, a guardian angel!
OK, sorry, no Lycra.
So you have wings and play a harp.
Know what, Diego?
Menial alienation is the way to go.
I don't suffer from mental alienation!
- Again.
- I don't... Read my lips!
I don't suffer from mental alienation!
When we're in court
say it exactly that same way.
I haven't slept for four days,
I've never been so happy.
I never thought
I could love someone so much.
Each dirty diaper blows me away.
He poops four times a day
and four times a day, I tell myself
'He does the world's best poops'.
That's so touching.
Your brother wants parental leave
so he can admire his son's diapers.
He does beautiful poops, see.
Parental leave is a legal fight.
If it's a legal right...
I had three kids
and two hours after they were born,
I was here serving fish.
Maybe that's why
they don't recognise you.
Diego was the most sheltered
of the three of us.
Look at the state he...
Maybe, but he's the one
Dad made the most of.
See how close they are now.
Time together
creates a quality relationship.
And you can't get back lost time.
Time is money anyhow
so make an effort.
You have to have kids, Diego.
Hows it going?
It's my first ultrasound today.
Cool...
- I need a friend, not a father.
- I am your friend.
I want things to be clear.
Crystal clear.
Move it, I drank a litre of water
and can't pee until it's over.
Want to know its sex?
I'll ask for a girl.
- What if they've run out?
- I want a girl!
OK, it'll be a girl.
Those are the feet. You see them?
Look.
Can you see them?
You can see the feet
nice and clearly.
That's a cross-section of the stomach.
It's perfect.
I can't see a thing.
It's the emotion,
we're very sensitive.
Bullshit! It's not that.
This thing isn't clear.
It's like a map,
I can't get my bearings.
Never mind, I have a GPS unit.
Look.
Look here, this is the head.
Can you see the head?
- You can't see it?
- I can't see a thing.
Cut it out!
I came and sat here for hours yesterday.
You did?
It's a nightmare.
They don't listen.
I like order, I like discipline.
What'll I do
with a kid who won't listen?
- I think you may be a bit up-tight.
- I'm not!
I am?
A bit.
I've been watching that one
10 seconds
and I feel like cuffing him.
Elsa, I...
This is the best thing
that could happen to us.
You think so?
I think you'll be a good mother.
Really?
A mother...
who's attentive and gentle.
You think so?
Since I don't trust you one bit
I'll declare you the father...
- You will?
- Hold on.
On probation.
Father on probation?
Or a trial father if you prefer.
You've no room for manoeuvre.
And will our child have to call me
'Dad on probation'?
No.
And will I be obliged to wear
a uniform different from normal dads?
I'm tempted...
Don't get carried away.
Let's go!
This shit will never pay us!
I'll kill you!
Shit, they're full of weed!
Mouss, take the bags!
Shit...
We hit the jackpot!
How does Nathan know you?
I'm a family friend, his godfather.
OK.
They're great kids.
- Looking for Nathan?
- Yes.
He's in another wing.
Kevin will take you.
Will you lake the gentleman?
Go on.
- I go with him?
- Yes.
- On my own?
- Yes, on your own.
Here's Nathan.
Thank you.
Going already?
Slay.
His family doesn't visit often,
he's very lonely.
No, I think I'll be going...
Just go and talk to him.
Just talk to him.
You did that well.
- I'm sorry?
- You did that very well.
After the legal report
you'll have the opportunity
to ask questions.
But you may intervene at any point,
it's not a problem.
You may feel
like sharing something,
anything to do with the proceedings
if you want to change things
or improve others...
If there are things that don't suit you
or that you don't feel comfortable with.
We can talk about it.
So I'd really like you all
to give your opinion.
It will help us move ahead
in the same direction
and make the suit as precise as possible.
Marie, you want to speak?
Yes, I wanted to tell you all
I feel like a painting,
half color, half black and white.
I'd like to complete the painting.
So I can grow up, thrive
and know my biological father.
Even if he's a maniac,
even if he's totally nuts.
I need that.
Thank you.
Bertrand, go ahead.
I'm in love with a girl,
an AID kid like me
and we want to have a baby.
Hearing we may have the same donor,
making us half-siblings,
that cast a chill.
We don't touch now.
My parents say
they had me out of love but sorry.
They may well love each other
but I don't owe them life.
I'm really happy to see the group
Getting bigger.
Whatever the judge decides
we'll have gotten to know each other.
It's awesome to think
we're all brothers and sisters.
Franck'?
What are you doing here?
How are you?
Actually, I'm the father of Nathan.
He can't be here, he's in a home,
he's handicapped.
OK.
Hello! Fancy seeing you here!
Sybille, this is Marcus.
- Franck'?
- Hugo!
How are you?
What are you doing here?
This is Marcus.
He's a tourist guide.
Sybille, a pizza sweepstakes winner.
Hugo works in a bar near my place.
I'm the father of Nathan.
He's in a home for the handicapped.
- You're a father?
- Adoptive.
Hugo worked in a bar near my place
but he's an actor, a great actor.
Yannick taught me to parachute.
Hugo worked in a bar near my place
but he's an actor.
Sybille wins pizza sweepstakes.
Shall we go?
Mum, Franck got me to that audition.
Delighted to meet you.
My mum.
That's great.
I'll leave you to get acquainted.
Can't be late for Nate.
Hey. I'm a poet!
Bye.
Why are you here?
You're the last thing I need!
- I spoke to our shrink.
- What?
She confirmed you're normal.
That's normal because I am normal.
Listen!
Your anonymity's at shake
and what do you do?
You attend a meeting against yourself.
You'll blow your cover!
You're anything but normal.
Cut it out.
I've known you since we were five
and I swear you're not normal.
So I want you to...
See the shrink again
and tell her about Madonna.
What about Madonna?
Look at me.
Is it normal to pay two grand
for one of Madonna's broken heels?
No, look me in the eye!
It'll be priceless when she dies.
Madonna won't ever die!
- She's indestructible!
- She's going to die.
She doesn't age like us.
She's Highlander!
She's going to die.
How much did you lose
in your edible wrapper scheme
that nearly caused a health scandal?
The guy said he was a scientist.
He was always in briefs and? ip-? ops!
And that Chinese deal?
I thought it was working.
All clear?
I thought photochromic glasses
would sell.
Diego. just try to get it!
I feel my life's on track
for the first time ever.
Believe me,
it's a one-way line to trouble.
Diego, please.
Don't see your kids anymore.
Hi, 'Fonzy.
I'm Xavier, your biological son.
No soy Fonzy.
I jus' do da cleanin'.
I hate being lied to.
My mum lied to me for 20 years.
How did you...
You're easy to spot in my audience.
After I saw you at the meeting,
I followed you.
Going to expose me?
I don't know yet.
You don't want it to be
our little secret?
That depends on you.
I'd like to get to know you first.
What do you do for a living?
I work in fish.
You sell red tuna?
Among others.
You know red tuna
is an endangered species?
Screw the planet, huh?
No, not at all, it interests me.
It's true, I'm worried but...
I need to take a closer look.
Don't lie to me! You don't care.
To be honest,
I have other problems right now.
What are you into?
Soccer.
I expected an artist.
Someone like me.
But you're into sport.
Like all the bullies at school.
You got bullied at school?
Yes, I'm a bit 'different'.
Different how?
Maybe because most people
are born of love.
Not of a guy jerking off into a jar.
There's your mother.
Sure, my mother...
I want to watch you for a while.
I'll move in here.
No way, this place is dangerous.
There's no lock on the door.
So I won't need a key.
Let's net waste more time.
Where's my room?
What's this?
I got an assistant to help me.
A thing like that must be a huge help!
Deep in debt you hire a sloth?
Let him get used to it.
The smell of fish makes him nauseous.
Stand back.
Always criticising...
I can't take it any more.
He's really pissing me off.
He questions everything,
contradicts me all the time...
I'm sick of it.
Elsa's meeting my family on Sunday.
What do I do with him?
He knows where I live!
Be sincere.
Tell him you're seeing Elsa.
HO3 stuck to are like glue!
He'll want to meet her.
He's crazy.
He buys junk food.
He's costing me a bomb.
He's pissing me off.
I'm going to snap, Quentin.
Diego, calm down, OK.
Do everything he asks.
If he rats on you, it's a disaster.
Everything he wants!
There, hold it steady...
That's good.
Try to hold your leg.
Swap legs now.
I can't take this.
The guy's doing ballet.
He's a ballerina.
Why bring his assistant to training?
He won't be Ballon d'Or.
You said it.
Hold it...
Not with your hands!
Why not?
The rules say you use your feet!
The rules are dumb.
They were around before you.
Follow them and shut up!
I scored a goal!
That wasn't a goal, that was a try!
Use your feet!
You can't use your hands.
Use your feet.
Shit!
Use your feet. Great work.
Once you used your feet,
you weren't bad.
- You showed skill.
- You think I'm dumb?
Not at all. You just need to learn
a little tactical stuff
but you'll find your level.
I've been bullshitted all my life!
Everyone lies to me!
I'm spewing up lies.
Calm down!
You're useless.
You've no future in soccer.
On stage maybe
but you can forget soccer.
They said they'd kneecap you
if I took you again.
Thanks for being so honest.
I appreciate it.
I like threats.
I'll go back and I'll make progress.
Shit, you're a drag!
Let me see that bruise.
You really messed yourself up.
Watch my hair!
Tomorrow's Sunday. What's on?
A movie?
No, I have to work tomorrow.
I need to be at the fish store at 5am.
I'm not spending Sunday in a fish van.
- Yeah, it's...
- I'll wait here for you.
Good idea.
- It's pretty.
- You seem very relaxed.
I'm happy.
It's a new stage in our relationship.
My dad... Elsa.
We get to meet your princess at last!
My brother, Enrique...
How do you do, Elsa?
Let's eat then we'll look at the albums.
You got out the photos?
No, Dad, he hasn't done that...
This is amazing!
Have some wine.
This one's good!
Save some room.
I love this stuff!
To Elsa!
And to the baby.
- Delicious.
- Anyone for bread?
Nobody wants bread?
- To the cook!
- It's wonderful.
That's me there.
That's Diego's photo.
He's there too.
Who's Mr Muscle?
That's me.
I'd just like to say something.
So, Elsa, you know
nearly everything about him
but there's a key event in Diego's life
you need to know about.
So you know what awaits you.
We're about to tackle a serious topic.
With photographic evidence.
What photos?
Diego's rock band.
Everyone wore makeup in the 80s.
No, I never wore makeup in the 80s!
Dad was worried you might be gay.
He had no doubts about that.
No double?
You wore tights and makeup!
Forget it, don't look at that.
I can't believe that's you!
Quentin with hair!
We had some good times.
Then a big tragedy-
No, Dad. Not that.
Yes.
Why not? Tell her, Dad.
When my wife and I were first married
we dreamed
of a honeymoon in Venice
but couldn't afford it.
Then we had kids, then the shop...
We said that one day,
when we were older...
But the thing is.
Time passes too quickly.
Make the most of the present.
Do you all make the most of the present?
Of course, Dad.
But... my wife fell ill.
It lasted for a long time.
We knew she'd never recover.
Then Diego turned up
with plane tickets
for Venice.
He'd planned it all.
The hotel near the Doges' Palace...
The gondolas because my wife
really loved gondoliers...
He paid for it all. All of it.
Because that's the way Diego is.
So if you can live
with all his failings,
which are countless...
you'll also have
some very beautiful times.
Now let's pray-
A quick one to make me happy.
Dessert first.
There's a dessert too?
We can't end with the paella.
They're such a drag.
I ate too much. I'm like a barrel.
And you drank a lot.
Two glasses. Two glasses is OK.
Why didn't you ever tell me
about that Italian trip?
I'm allowed my secret garden.
Of course you're allowed
your secret garden.
If you don't grow pot in it.
And if you don't have
wives and kids hidden away.
That's not a joke.
I'm threatening you, OK?
Come on.
What's this mess, Xavier?
What's going on?
Are you OK?
Not too tired after a long day?
I am.
I made you a sandwich
but maybe you ate already.
No.
Elsa left a message
on the answering machine.
Your cell's in her purse.
She thanks you
for a lovely lunch with the family.
You were asleep.
I didn't want to disturb you...
Why do you lie all the time?
Xavier, I've spent
a lot of time with you lately.
I also have friends and a real family.
A real family?
My family, yes.
You're ruling out
that part of your life
but we won't disappear!
We exist for real.
Like it or not,
we're part of you.
And so of 'your' family!
- OK, I'm a jerk.
- Worse, you're a fink.
- What's a fink?
- A traitor!
How can I make up for this?
Next week,
keep the whole Sunday free.
- What for?
- A surprise.
Hold on, I have Elsa, my job,
my business...
OK, I'm not going to quibble.
- It's miles!
- Quit bitching.
I hope you're happy-
Because of you, I had to lie to Elsa.
I lied to the woman carrying my child.
Ah, OK...
You're doing the introductions today?
No, I want to keep you to myself.
You've tried it three times already...
I've govt m
I 90k it autographed.
Who wants a sandwich?
OK?
T-shirts!
Hi there!
Hows it going?
How about Dad's little kisses?
Off to school? Have a good day.
You're off to school!
Come on, give me five!
Hows it going?
Coffee, croissants, bread?
Give me a coffee.
Busy weekend?
Nothing special.
I watched 'Star Wars'.
Which one?
The first one.
Of course.
Lying to your woman is normal.
Lies are the basis
of a stable relationship.
But I'm net your woman.
So before saying you spent the weekend
with Obi-Wan Kenobi,
Darth Vador or Yoda,
take a look at this.
FONZY'S KIDS:
THE FRATERNAL UNION
The reporter is selling her story
to Paris Match,
The Times, CNN and TF1.
By this evening, around
five billion people will be wondering
who the hell Fonzy is.
Is that good for the case?
Can we still control the situation?
The answer is yes.
We go on the offensive.
We sue the clinic too.
- For what?
- Misuse of your donations.
Imagine the impact on your private life.
- You don't know what they're saying.
- What?
Horrible stuff!
But that's good for us.
We have the hearing against the group.
I suggest launching a separate action
to sue the clinic for fraud.
And demand damages.
That way, you can pay off your debts
in no time.
I give up my children
to pay my debts?
What's up? You corrected me yourself
when I gave you the file.
These kids
nearly all have fathers who held them
as babies.
You're their genitor.
I'll say I'm Fonzy.
No, stay undercover.
It's my decision. I'm your client.
No, you're not paying me!
Think about it.
If you come clean
we won't be able to sue.
And no suit means no cash.
But they're my kids.
Your kids will be proud of you.
Fonzy is the jerk-off king.
He's a pervert.
All Fonzy did
was give his sperm for research!
Ha was young and never expected to father 533 kids!
The poor guy was tricked.
Fonzy didn't donate sperm, he sold it.
He needs to talk!
How can someone make a living
through masturbation?
More than 600 times!
- If I were him, I'd stay incognito.
- Why?
The world sees him
as the jerk-off king!
Cut 1'1!' out.
The English call him Sperm Man
and the Spanish El Masturbator!
Stop it!
He's a pervert.
Sorry, I don't get it.
What do you think
of this Fonzy business?
He can't be normal.
What was the guy thinking?
Maybe he thought he'd help research.
By having 533 kids?
You'll call him a hero soon.
- He's a pervert.
- No, he isn't.
A sperm-seller is a pervert, Diego!
Excuse me...
Hello. Can I help you?
Would you happen to have a stroller
for 533 kids?
No, we won't have that.
Of course!
It's not normal to have 533 kids.
A woman can't
so neither can a man!
He can.
Screw you!
Good luck.
I beat the meat for nothing.
If I get a nice room for it.
I'm ready anytime.
Hold on...
Fonzy got 15 euros a shot.
Good deal.
He'll never say who he is
or he'll be Sperm Man forever.
Who's given sperm?
I haven't.
I bet you've given yours, Diego.
No.
You were a jack-off ace.
- Cut it out, Enrique!
- He's kidding.
Just drop it.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
Sony to put you through that.
I had much worse during my childhood.
I never wanted to hurt anyone
but it seems that's all I do.
Well, I'm happy to be your son.
That's kind.
I hoped for a decent guy like you.
That sounds like a goodbye.
I'm crashing with Thomas,
my half-brother.
One of your kids, so a decent guy.
- Watch my hair!
- Sony.
How did you pay for Mum's trip?
- Hows it going, baby?
- I'm OK.
I had something to tell you...
- Feel that?
- The baby?
Of course it's the baby.
He's moving?
I want to make love.
- Let's make love.
- Stop it!
I want to make love!
No, he's moving!
I don't want to!
- What's up?
- Where were you?
At Elsa's. Why?
Dad?
Some Asians tried to drown him
in his tub.
They want their 50 grand.
I've seen all the banks.
Know what a night dunking
can do to a 70-year-old man?
Some Asians nearly drowned our dad!
You've gone too far.
We gave them five grand
to calm them down
but you have to find the money.
Dad...
I just heard...
I'm so sorry.
Forgive me, Dad.
Dieg, what brings you?
Go ahead with the subpoena.
Excellent.
If we prove
the damage you've been done...
Knowledge of one's genetic origins
must be viewed as a human right.
We contest these laws
that forget children.
People talk of genetic heritage
but my parents and I don't know mine.
Our parents never expected us
to make this demand.
They Support us now.
They realise we need to know
who gave us life.
We've all heard
of so-called equality for all.
All, except children.
It's as if we had no right
to our origins.
Science calls me an 'AID child'
but I just want to be an ordinary child.
I too want to know the truth
about my origins...
Your Honour,
I represent
the interests of the plaintiff
who has faced...
I'll turn in the robes.
...considerable pressure
for months now
from the Valle Clinic.
My client and the Valle Clinic
signed an agreement
for genetic research
via a number of sperm donations.
For a while now,
you've been doing
these sweeping movements
but keep it simple.
You're an attorney?
I'm just saying...
Yet!
That's important.
...considerable pressure
has been brought to bear
on my client.
We have therefore tried to prove
that this situation
represents
deliberate fraud
in relation to my client.
This has caused him
considerable personal harm
for which he is now
seeking compensation
by the awarding of damages.
- Everything OK?
- And you?
How did it go?
Listen...
Great.
You think it looks good?
Yeah, it's...
I said everything.
It went well.
Yeah?
The court.
Please be seated.
After hearing both sides' arguments,
the Court rules that Fonzy
has a full and unequivocal right
to his anonymity
and that the group's requests
are turned down.
Each party will receive the ruling.
Are you disappointed?
Of course.
We researched the legal aspect
of the situation
that we find ourselves in
after this dismissal.
But all is not lost.
We were told today that no law
obliges Fonzy to go public.
But beyond laws,
There are human beings.
There's us
and there's him.
The final decision lies with Fonzy. He doesn't have to come clean.
But now that he's seen us,
he may decide to.
It's his decision.
We deeply regret.
The negative media comments
about Fonzy.
And we want our genitor to know
that we don't see him as a pervert
but as a man who gave life
and brought happiness
to couples who wanted
to start a family.
Good luck, Dad.
Please be seated.
After hearing both sides' arguments,
the Court sentences the Valle Clinic
to pay the plaintiff
the sum of 200,000 euros in damages.
Thank you!
Of course, I feel compassion
for the children in the group.
But I'm very happy
and very proud
to have upheld my client's rights.
I'd like to say hi to my children,
my mother...
See, Mum, I won.
And also tell Diego,
"We won"'
Who's Diego?
Diego is...
He's my lover,
he's the man of my life.
the one who's always backed me.
I love you,Diego.
And I'd like to use this moment
to ask you to marry me.
Congratulations, my love.
I'd had a perfect run.
For the first time in my life.
And then I had to ruin it all.
My mum saw everything on TV.
She must have been surprised
about you marrying me.
No, she...
She said she'd always suspected it.
She thinks we make a great couple.
How about that...
And your kids?
They think it's cool.
They want a party for the wedding.
Tell me...
If I come forward now,
I lose the damages we've won?
I think so.
- OK, Dad?
- I'm OK, son.
Come in.
I'm Fonzy.
You're El Masturbator?
You make test-tube babies?
But that's science!
Yes, Dad...
I'd like to be a normal guy.
How would a normal guy get out of this?
This wouldn't happen to a normal guy.
Just suppose a normal guy
didn't think too hard
and gave sperm 693 times.
How would he get out of this situation?
What would Manuel and Enrique do?
Your brothers can't handle chaos.
You're one of the few people
who can do that.
Why not tell them?
Come clean to my children?
I have money problems.
I know that.
I realised during my midnight dip.
You know, I spent
my youth in Spain.
I know, Dad.
I won't talk about the poverty...
But when I decided to leave my country
to come to France,
my father gave me 700 pesetas.
50 francs back then.
I wondered
what was the toughest part for him.
Not having given us enough
or rather
not being with us
through all the tough times.
But...
Personally, I'm lucky
because I see you every day.
That's my success in life.
So, like my father,
I want to help you too.
The 50 francs...
My lucky charm.
This has brought me good fortune.
With 50 francs,
I built up the family company.
Take it.
And also take...
your share in the fish store.
I can't accept.
You can't? You have to!
It's your inheritance
to pay off your debts.
I wanted to tell them
but I might disappoint them.
Why would you disappoint them?
I'm just a fish delivery guy.
And a bad one too.
It's true,
you're no ace at fish delivery.
You take three times longer
than anyone else.
But, wherever you go,
people love you.
It's true, they love you.
So your kids will love you.
I'm not worried about that.
Hallo, my name is Diego Costa
and I am Fonzy.
What's up, Elsa?
We're not ready, Diego!
I'm at the hospital,
I'm having contractions.
- My waters have broken.
- Already?
He wants to come out!
I told him to behave,
he wouldn't listen.
- Dad?
- Son, take a look outside.
You have visitors.
A lot of visitors...
Is he healthy?
- He's an atom bomb.
- Awesome.
You can work tomorrow then?
What a jerk!
Hello.
You have a new baby brother.
He weighs 6 pounds 14 ounces.
His name's Tiago.
I want you to meet my father.
And my brothers.
A little present.
Thanks.
Enough.
Thank you.
- OK?
- Happy to know you.
Congratulations.
This is my father, Jean-Pierre.
It's incredible meeting you.
This is...
Thank you!
He's so tiny...
Will you marry me?
Of course.
You don't want to wait and see
if I get my figure back?
If you get?abby,
I'll get?abby too.
Think anyone ever used the word '?abby'
in a marriage proposal before?
Got a ring?
You want a ring?
A ring would be nice, yes.
OK, I'll buy you a ring.
Thank you.
Sit down a second.
I'm Fonzy.
What?
I'm Fonzy.
- So that's your game.
- What game?
- This proposal!
- Quiet...
How can you believe
that a proposal
will make me accept 533 kids?
I wanted a single child and new
he has 533 brothers and sisters?
How can I let you be our child's father?
I can't believe you proposed to me.
I can't marry a guy with 533 kids.
And who masturbates that much!
Shut up.
I want to make two points.
I'm changing
but I'm doing it at my own place.
Only I can decide
if I'm this child's father
and I am this child's father.
Neither you, nor a judge, nor anyone
can erase that fact.
I'm the father
of this child.
The other fact I can't erase
is that I'm Fonzy.
It's scary because it's never happened
in the world before.
It's almost like man's first steps
on the Moon.
And even though it's scary.
Personally,
I see it as a source
of boundless happiness
and a huge stock of free baby-sitters.
But my proposal
isn't some game.
So you're Fonzy.
It has to stay our secret.
I've already revealed my identity.
You've revealed your identity?
I'm taking responsibility.
This is the new me.
Promise you'll take me to Venice.
About time.
What's this hideous thing?
- Hows it going?
- Go on in.
Look at this thing.
It's Wild.
Yeah, it's wild!
My little Tiago...
- Your keys.
- Did it go OK?
You bet.
I went to see my girl in Amiens.
I thought you wanted it
for the theatre.
No, I told you.
Here. He'll wake in an hour.
As gifted as ever...
Right, we're going.
Don't bring all your pals over.
Everyone edge in.
Are you all in it?
Try to get closer.
Hold on...
Are you taking the photo or what?
Even closer...
That's it!
All right.
Ready?
Come on, run!
Everyone smile!