[The O'Jays: For The Love Of Money]
Money, money, money, money
Money
Money, money, money, money
Money
Money, money, money, money
Money
Money, money, money, money
Money
Money, money, money, money
Money
Money, money, money, money
Money
Some people got to have it
Hey, hey, hey
Some people really need it
Hey, listen to me, y'all
Do things, do things,
do things, bad things with it
You wanna do things, do things,
do things, good things with it, yeah
Uh-huh, talk about
money, money, money, money
People will steal from their mother
People will rob their own brother
People can't even walk the streets
Because they never know
who in the world they're gonna beat
For that mean, oh mean
Mean green
Almighty dollar, money
For the love of money
People will lie, Lord, they will cheat
For the love of money
People don't care
who they hurt or beat
For the love of money
A woman will sell her preclous body
For a small piece of paper,
lt carrles a lot of weight
For that mean, mean, mean, mean
Mean green
Almighty dollar
Whoa! No. Oh, no.
Tax fraud. No, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
I mean, this is a miscalculation.
Yes, I mean,
a misunderstanding certainly.
I would even go so far as to admit
that it was bad judgement.
It could be really bad judgement
but it's certainly not tax fraud.
We need to meet with you and your client
at his office tomorrow at 10.00.
All right. We'll be there. 10.00.
Good. Otherwise warrants get issued.
Property gets attached.
Everyone gets very cranky.
Well, we don't want cranky, do we?
No. We don't.
Sleep well, Mr Lachman.
We'll see you tomorrow. 10.00.
[d Sarah Vaughan: Cheek To Cheek]
Heaven, l'm in heaven
And my heart beats
so that l can hardly speak
And l seem to find
the happiness l seek
When we're out together
danclng cheek to cheek
- Thank you.
- Well, this is our big night.
Yes, it is.
You work the girls
and I'll work the boys.
Sounds great. See you soon.
- Not soon enough.
- Oh!
- La-la-la.
- Oh, Caroline. Mwah.
- Mwah-mwah.
- Oh, Caroline.
- What a fabulous look, as usual.
- Oh, thank you.
Ten years. Can you believe it?
It's easy to believe.
It's just a little tough to admit.
I'm just glad someone's
happily married. Even if it isn't mol.
Oh, honey.
I still can't believe you haven't traded
in Brad for one of those hot new models.
Oh, sweetheart.
You never trade in a classic.
- Oh, meow.
- Oh.
- They're so happy.
- I'm so jealous.
[Men laugh]
lmagine, if you will, a mecca,
where people from all over the world
can partake in a celebration
of miracles.
We will lift their souls...
while we lighten their wallets.
[All laugh]
Ladies and gentlemen, behold...
the Holyland.
[chorus] Hallelujahl Hallelujahl
This is amazing, isn't it?
A theme park inspired by God Himself.
[All laugh]
Brad, darling, look who I found.
Your Honour.
It's a thrill to have you here.
- And it's a pleasure to be here.
- Thank you.
And my favourite attorney.
I owe you one, buddy.
You sure do.
All right. May I continue?
Let me take you on a journey.
Step this way.
All right.
Now. Welcome to the Holyland.
Check it out. Bedouin Breakfast.
You gotta love it.
What is this,
a sell job or an anniversary party?
For our Jewish guests,
Torah, Torah, Torah: The Waterslide.
For our Japanese guests,
Tora, Tora, Tora: The Waterslide.
[laughs] Look. Water lnto Winery.
And what a great year for wine. Mm. One.
My favourite attraction. Here it is.
The Burning Bush.
Twice a night,
we light up the skies with this.
[Screams]
Mr Sexton, not only
have you no respect for religion,
but you have ruined
my favourite Balenciaga.
I can assure you that if you go ahead
with this... heresy,
you and anyone else
stupid enough to get involved
will burn in hell.
- Judge Northcutt...
- Your Honour, please wait.
Does this mean
we won't be having dessert?
[Attorney] Uh, Judge...
What the hell's a Balenciaga?
Yo, Picasso. Let's go.
[Grunts]
- Happy anniversary, Mr Sexton.
- Thank you, Winston.
Coh!
After tonight, I don't know how I'll
ever be able to face my friends again.
Just pretend they're a mirror.
You're so funny, honey.
I'll just confess to them
that I'm married to a moron.
That way they'll feel sorry for me,
then they'll forgive me.
Well, this moron built you
this fabulous life.
Oh, that again.
Oh, I forgot. That's right, honey.
You did everything and I did nothing.
Well, I have developed 16 commercial
properties in the last five years,
including Euro-Alcatraz.
Hm. I'm sorry.
Did you say "Euro-Alcatraz"?
Vacation in the Big House.
- Say, did you hear that?
- What?
The sound of an entire continent
laughing at you.
Ouch. Caroline,
refresh my memory, will you, please?
What exactly have you done
in the past five years?
Wait a minute. I know.
You've done Bloomingdale's.
You've done lunch.
You've done chemical peels.
You've done collagen.
You've done liposuction.
- Wow.
- You poor, deluded little monkey.
Who do you think brought you
to these people, huh?
Without me, Brad, you would be nothing.
I beg your pardon,
but I had a very successful real estate
career before I ever met you.
Oh, really.
So you consider leasing parking spaces
a real estate career?
Well, here's a newsflash.
I took you from K-Mart to Tiffany's.
- I invented you.
- OK.
Then I guess you have
no one else to blame but yourself.
That's...
I guess not.
Good night.
[Caroline on lntercom]
Brad, darling, here's a thought.
Since you're so good with fire,
why not set up a barbecue barrel on 42nd
and sell flame-broiled pigeons?
Or you should write a cookbook.
How To Roast Your Own Nuts.
What do you think, Brad?
You know what I think?
I think I'm tired of busting my ass
while you sit on your ever-widening one,
criticizing everything I do.
I spent the last six months busting
this ever-widening ass, and for what?
So you could turn our anniversary into
a carny sideshow to promote a lame idea?
All right, Caroline.
What is this really about?
Nothing, Brad. Just another thrilling
Saturday night at the Sextons'.
Are you so pissed off
about the incident at the party?
No. I am pissed because
if I had just stayed in fashion design
instead of wasting my time on you,
I would probably have
my own collection by now.
Ah. So instead, you're collecting
everyone else's collection.
Hm. Don't you get it?
I gave it up to help you.
You gave it up because you were afraid
you might have to finish something.
- I'm tired.
- Then go to bed.
No. Of this.
What used to work in this marriage
doesn't work anymore.
Oh, God, here it comes.
The divorce talk again.
We're wasting our time.
What's the point?
lf you want out, just say the word.
Out.
- What?
- Out.
- You want a divorce?
- I need a divorce.
- You got it.
- Good.
- We'll split everything.
- Split what?
We don't own any of this shit.
All we have is debt.
I'd be glad to split that fifty-fifty.
Fifty-fifty? Not on your life.
- Then it'll get ugly.
- Good. I can do ugly.
I've done you for the last ten years.
As memory serves, you stopped
doing me after six and a half.
- Happy anniversary, honey.
- Fuck off!
OK.
[Sobs]
[Man on TV] Holy smoke.
Why did l ever get mixed up with you?
[Woman] You're becoming
awfully disagreeable lately.
You snap my head off
every time l open my mouth.
If being with me ils so dilstasteful
to you, you can leave.
You can leave any time you see fit.
Nobody is holding you here.
I can get along.
- Morning, guys.
- Mr Sexton.
Morning, Penny. Well, did it come?
Just arrived. All fixed.
- That'll be $96.
- I'll owe you, OK?
I can't. Not this time.
And I'll need cash.
- Really?
- Really.
OK. I'll go to the bank today.
You'll get your cash.
- Have I shown you the back of this?
- Yes, you've shown it to me many times.
- Oh, your new chair is here.
- ls it?
- Oh, Bob.
- Uh... B-B-Brad. Brad. What...
- Where are you going with all that?
- Nowhere. This is nothing.
- I am going some place...
- Put a hold on it.
- I want to talk to you.
- I would love to but...
Bob.
- I've got your number.
- Huh?
- Number, please.
- New satellite phone. From Osaka. Huh?
Got your number.
This will pick up a signal anywhere.
- That's great but I gotta go.
- Wait!
I got one more thing to show you.
Please. Just take a minute.
Oh, by the way.
How did that IRS thing come out?
- Are we gonna survive?
- Uh... sure. I took care of everything.
That's what I want to hear.
What do you think?
The Shiatsu 2000 Massage Experience.
- That's fantastic. I gotta go.
- Wait a minute!
Come on, Bob. Look at this.
Oh, feeling good.
I got the manicure-pedicure option,
and I can sit here while I'm getting
my back rubbed and get a facial too.
- What do you think?
- You're spending development money
on stupid toys.
These are not stupid toys.
These are business tools.
I write all this stuff off.
Yeah, that's what I do.
I could do a lot more.
I got a working knowledge of every inch
of this place. I got... I got...
I gotta go. I'm, I'm really late.
I'll walk out with you. There's
something else I should tell you.
Great.
Come on, come on!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Well, Caroline and l
have decided to call it quits.
Gee, that's too bad. Sorry to hear
that you two are splitting.
Did he say "splitting"?
Miss. IRS Field Agent Hall.
Where did Mr Sexton go?
Well, he better be going to the bank.
Bank?
The bank. He's running.
Get backup.
Have them meet me there. Move.
He did my first two divorces,
and if I ever get married again,
he'll do my third.
- Brad won't know what hit him.
- Coh.
You're so lucky not to have a pre-nup.
We didn't have anything.
There was nothing to nup.
- Oh. You're gonna get it all.
- Uh. That's mine.
You got it last time.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey! Hey!
I don't have time for this!
Son of a...
Oh!
Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
This is where the fun begins.
- Who the hell are you?
- lnspector Lester.
I'm here to bring in the suspect.
lnspector Derek Lester? Wow.
Sir, I heard about you at the Academy.
I'm sure you did, son.
Whoa. Look, sir. Hey,
I know I may be a little new at this
but we don't shoot people
for cheating on their taxes.
Oh. You're right.
You are new at this.
My accounts are frozen?
It means you can't touch them.
I know what you mean. Who froze them?
That information is confidential.
Really.
Caroline.
Huh. Excuse me, sweetheart,
but this card has no limit.
I'm sorry to say... it does.
Huh. I knew he was too good to be true.
Let the games begin.
That bastard.
That bitch.
[Grumbles and moans]
[Phone rings]
Jesus.
- Bob Lachman.
- Ah, Bob. Brad.
Oh, Brad.
Listen. Somehow, Caroline has managed
to freeze all of my accounts.
Caroline? Are you sure?
Well, who the hell else would it be?
Well, you know there was
that little IRS audit thing?
I left out a few little details.
What sort of little details?
Five million dollars?!
[Echoes]
[Baby begins to cry]
Bob, what did you do?
Oh, well, a lot of little things
over a long period of time.
lf it's about money,
I'll give you a raise.
Brad, I am insuIt ed.
This isn't about money.
It's about respect.
It's about friendship.
Only kidding. It's about the money.
Bob, you need help.
I know, I know.
I'm a sick man. I am sick.
But the good news is, now I can afford
to get the help I deserve.
Oh, one more piece of advice.
lf I were you, I would leave town.
I think they're going to arrest you.
Arrest me? Why?
Because, you know, it's not my name
on those returns, sluggo. It's yours.
Have a nice day.
Kennedy.
Bob. Bob. Bob, Bob, Bob!
Shit!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey! Come on!
He's making his move. Let's go.
Come on! You're scratching it!
Come on! Oh!
[Whimpers]
I don't believe this!
[Heartbeat]
[Phone rings]
Gun!
Shit!
Hold it! IRS!
IRS?
This is bullshit.
- I can't believe you just shot at him!
- He had a gun!
He had a phone!
Let's hope this discourages future
violations of the tax code. Get the car.
Hold it!
Run, Sexton!
You're making my day!
Oheater!
Run, Sexton!
He's a cheater!
Watch out. Excuse me. Watch out.
Look out, look out, look out, please!
Go, go, go, go!
Go!
Hey, Malik. Let's go, let's go! Come on.
Smarten up, snapperhead. I'm off duty!
My car!
- Sir!
- Move over!
- What?
- Get over!
Are you gonna chase him? Reckless
pursuits are against our arrest policy!
So is defrauding the government, son.
Wait, wait, wait!
I don't believe this!
This guy's nuts!
[Horn blares]
When I was your age,
none of this was here.
Sir!
- You can't drive, can you?
- Well, I don't have a licence.
Got you.
Ah.
Wait here.
Columbus and 69th.
This just keeps
getting better and better.
Brad? What are you doing driving a cab?
I thought we could use the extra money.
And why did you cancel my credit cards?
I didn't...
Hold on.
Hold on, son.
Excuse me, do you think you could turn
the corner without wrecking my hair?
You might want to put your seatbeIt on.
[Siren blares]
Oh, great.
Now the cops are chasing me.
How on earth
can you owe that much money?
I don't know. But I don't owe it.
We owe it. You and l.
Oh, yeah? Maybe if I testify
against you, they'll give me immunity.
Fortunately, they don't allow wives
to testify against their husbands.
How about ex-wives?
[laughs]
It's OK, fellas. IRS.
Well, that worked well.
You don't have a clue
where you're going, do you?
No. But we can't go back to the city
till I've figured this out.
You know, if you had a brain,
which you clearly don't,
you would have spoken
to your attorney back in New York.
Hey, I was being chased around
by a guy with a big gun.
I didn't have time
to shoot the shit with Phil.
No, but you had time to steaI a cab,
didn't you, Brad?
I'm sorry I didn't find the time
to lift a limo for you.
I don't get it.
Leona cheated on her taxes
and she didn't get a bullet in her head.
No. Just a cell mate named Wanda
poking her with a toilet brush.
I can't believe we are fleeing the city
like a couple of fugitives.
- That's what criminals do.
- I'm not a criminal, Brad!
Your name was right next to my name
on that tax return.
So as far as the government
is concerned, we are both criminals.
Shut... Argh!
Brad, look out!
Whoa!
Oh, no!
Shit!
- Are you all right?
- No, I'm not all right, you idiot!
We gotta get out. The cab is sinking.
Move out of my way. I'll do it myself.
[Screams] I'm drowning!
Oh, Brad, please don't let me die!
Caroline. Caroline! Stand up.
What?
Oh.
- Come with me.
- Don't touch me.
This is insane.
We've been walking for hours.
It is so obvious that there are
no signs of human life out here.
What do you suggest we do, Mr Spock?
I don't have time
for your stupid jokes, Brad.
Let's just get off the road, we'll rest
and I'll call Phil in the morning.
Are you suggesting
we spend the night out here?
Yes.
Maybe you want to play Davy Crockett,
but I don't camp.
Oh, you don't need to.
Look, there's a Ritz-CarIt on.
- You're such a jerk.
- Come on.
Caroline, come on.
Wait for me.
- Let go of me, please.
- No. I don't want to fall down.
Can you be a gentleman
for once in your life?
Here's the deal. Just sit down here
and lean against a tree.
How hard can that be?
Are you sure
they won't attack us in the night?
They're cows!
They only attack
when they're irritated by whining.
Ouch!
I don't have to sleep by you.
I'm taking the other side of this tree.
- Whatever makes you comfy.
- Fine.
[Sighs]
Hm. It's actually soft over here.
Probably because
you're sitting in cow dung.
Excuse me?
I said, "My, oh, my, is that cow hung."
You're such a pervert.
[Caroline screams]
- Brad! Brad!
- What?
Quiet! Those cows will jump on you.
They will?
- Stay there. I'll be right back.
- What do you mean, stay here?
I have cow poop on me!
[Horn beeps]
Not lately.
Ah.
I come in peace.
I just need to use the telephone.
Thank you.
Bastard knew that was cowshit.
[Shrieks] Dreadlocks!
Look at me!
Oh! Look at me!
Congratulations, Brad.
You made the front page of the Post.
Liz Smith, photos, the whole shmear.
You're in a little bit of trouble.
This is not a little bit of trouble,
Phil.
I've been chased and shot at
like a wild animal.
What I want you to do is wire me
some cash, some dough-re-mi, pal.
- I need a place to stay.
- No can do, my friend.
- That'd be abetting a felon.
- You abet felons every day.
- You play racquetball with them.
- You know I would love to help you.
Call Lachman. Find him.
He's the one responsible for this mess.
Let me get him.
I'll put you on hold.
Don't put me on... Shit.
The cousins will be moving here
soon enough.
They're from Missouri.
- Brad, you still there?
- Yeah. Where else would I go, Phil?
Our friend Bob's phone
has been disconnected.
What? That dirty son of a...
Calm down. Both of you lie low.
Let me survey the landscape.
- Oheck back with me in a day or two.
- Or two?
Tax fraud, resisting arrest,
grand theft auto.
- What were you thinking?
- I was thinking about saving my ass.
[Gasp]
Because that donkey's been
in the family for years.
We couldn't live without it.
Save it at any cost. Thanks. Bye.
I just love that donkey.
Ow!
[Man] Will they make it for planting?
[Man 2] Hard to say.
Could be a month. Maybe two.
Well, too bad for Samuel, eh?
Well, you have everything? Ja? Good.
- God be with you.
- Thank you for your help.
- My pleasure.
- Maybe you'll come and see us.
Maybe.
[Brad] The reaI cousins
won't be here for a month.
We're not gonna get away with it.
Two nights tops, till I get
Phil to pull some strings for us.
It'll work, but you might wanna
tuck those bad boys in.
You look like a Shakespearean whore.
These bad boys cost me $14,000.
I'm not tucking them in.
These people... 14 grand for the set?
- I can't look this good for free.
- Yeah.
Fine. lf you paid a little bit
more attention to our finances,
maybe we wouldn't even be in this mess.
That's it. Yoder.
- They've all said Yoder.
- This is it. It's gotta be.
So picturesque.
It's almost surreal. Look at this.
I can almost imagine Planet Amishwood.
Oh, shut up, Brad!
I just want to get this sham over with.
All I want is a hot bath and cosy bed.
OK. Here's the deal.
Follow my lead. I know all
we need to know about being Amish.
- Since when?
- Since I saw Witness.
Tiffany earrings? Dead giveaway.
- No!
- And the lipstick.
- What? All of it?
- Use my sleeve. Come on.
Guess what, Brad. I saw Witness too.
And they didn't wear Armani shades.
The rings.
Amish don't wear wedding rings.
OK. Fine. Take 'em.
I wasn't planning on wearing 'em
very much longer anyway.
OK. All we gotta do is pretend
to be people that we're not
to fool people we don't know
in a situation we've never been in.
We're from New York. How hard can it be?
Let's go.
Oh!
Caroline, come on.
God, you look like an idiot
in that suit.
[Wind blows]
[Barks]
Buzz off, Lassie.
[Samuel] Samson! Down!
- Mr Yoder?
- Ja?
- How may we help you?
- We're the cousins.
- Cousins?
- Your cousins.
- Your kin.
- From Missouri.
- Emma?
- Emma?
- Jacob?
- Jacob.
- Jacob and Emma.
- Yoder.
We weren't expecting you for months.
[Both] Surprise!
- What happened to you?
- It's hard to say.
Um... we had a... carriage accident
up by the pond. About six miles back.
Danker's pond.
- The horse. I looked one way. He saw...
- Snakes.
And spooked him. And he...
...tore off.
- Drowned.
Tore off and drowned,
and the carriage flipped.
There are pieces of the carriage.
It's been in the family for years.
Ohildren, this is our cousins,
Jacob and Emma.
- Yoder.
- Our eldest, Rebecca.
Anna. Sam Jr. Sammy.
Um... would you think it rude or unkind
if maybe I went in
and just washed up a little?
Of course. Please. Come this way.
Hey, thank you, boys.
It's sure good to be here.
Here we go.
Everything you need,
you'll find in the dresser.
Blankets. Some clothes that fit.
And the outhouse is right out the back.
I'm sure you want a few minutes to pray
before dinner.
Grandma Yoder is preparing
one of her special meals.
You know, this is so swell.
And your phone is...
[gasps] My, you must come from
a liberal Ordnung.
Yes. A very liberal Ordnung.
Ours is one of the last remaining old
order Amish communities in the country.
We still do not receive
any electricity or public works.
We like to maintain our purity
and independence from the government.
Don't we... all.
We find it best to remain disconnected
from the outside world,
for corruption and materialism
are so commonplace.
Amen to that, sister.
I'm so relieved you're here, Emma.
This time of year, heaven knows
we could really use the extra help.
Welcome.
Extra help? No, no, no!
I can't stay here.
They don't have television.
Or even indoor plumbing.
What did you expect?
Room service and a Jacuzzi?
- It's this or sleeping on cow pies.
- Great.
Cow dung or Ordung.
Ordnung. Ordnung. Learn it!
- Thank God we're from a liberal one.
- Thank God. Why is that, Brad?
So when you blow it
by acting like Marie Antoinette,
we can blame it on our Ordnung.
Gee, this bed is awfully small.
You know what?
You don't need to worry about that.
Because in our Ordnung...
the men sleep on the floor.
- What?
- I need a smoke!
Good food. Good meat.
Good God, let's eat.
Amen.
- What's wrong, Emma?
- I'm just anxious.
- You know how long it's been since...
- Emma... is just nervous.
She's a little shy
when she's around new people.
Don't be shy, Emma.
We're not new people. We're cousins.
- What happened to your beard?
- Hm?
Keep to your own, Sammy.
Forgive him, but in our Ordnung, only
the unmarried men go without beards.
- ln all Ordnungs.
- Sam Jr, don't be prideful.
He has a point.
And there's an explanation for it.
A while back in our Ordnung
we had a... um...
- Outbreak.
- An outbreak.
- It was, um...
- Lice.
- Lice?
- Mm.
- But it only lasted a very short time.
- Minute lice.
Jacob, you must be very anxious
to meet Big John.
Of course I am. How is Big John?
Belgians.
[Chuckles]
I tried your suggestions
but he just wouldn't listen.
Do they ever?
Belgians are only good for two things.
Waffles and deep dark chocolates.
[Whistles]
Grandma, if you don't mind,
I'm just gonna go with the salad.
Or better yet,
I'll just eat this enormous wiener.
I'm gonna need
just a little bit of mustard.
[Baby cries]
- He's up again.
- Who's up again?
Baby Sam, of course.
Oh, yes. Another son of Sam.
I like the name Sam.
Not to be confused with Samuel,
Sammy, Sam Jr and, of course, Sam-son.
[Barks]
- Good evening, folks.
- Evening, Henner.
Henner, these are our cousins,
Jacob and Emma.
Oh, so soon.
That's good, huh?
Guess who's got a boyfriend.
Yeah, well, you go, girl.
"You go, girl"?
Yeah. ln very liberal Ordnungs,
that just means, "He's hot."
- Father?
- Oh, ja, you're excused.
You go, girl.
[Baby Sam cries]
Another brilliant idea by Brad Sexton.
Caroline, get some rest.
We'll sleep late.
I'll get to that phone. I'll call Phil.
He'll... send a car for us.
You better tell Phil to make it snappy.
I don't like it here.
These people are not right!
They're like Children of the Corn.
[Crying stops]
Oh, finally. Thank God.
Mm.
[Yawns]
[Crashing]
- Morning.
- [Screams]
- Who are you?
- Come on, Grandpa.
Up you go, lazybones. Thought we'd get
the west-40 done before breakfast.
Look at that. It's almost 4.45.
We must have overslept.
Emma, Emma, Emma!
- Good morning, Emma.
- Good morning, corn child.
This is Molly and this is Mae.
Two good, honest workers.
Though Molly gave me a big scare
last week, didn't you, girl?
Have a look at her pastern.
Oh. I see what you mean.
No, her pastern.
I thought you said ass burn.
- [SamueI Jr] Pa, come quick!
- Sammy, leave him.
Now, Jacob.
Here's where your expertise comes in.
Huh?
Strong bloodlines, perfect conformation.
But he's the most ornery animal
I ever owned.
Got him at auction three months ago.
You may be the best horse trainer
in Missouri, Jacob,
but even you could have trouble
with this one.
Meet... Big John.
[Groans]
Couldn't we just have
rice cakes for breakfast?
Emma, these apples
are not for breakfast.
They're for the schnitz pies
we'll be making.
Oh, yeah.
There's nothing like a good schnitz pie.
Emma, do you need some coffee?
Coffee? This is
a coffee-drinking Ordnung?
Oh, praise the Lord, sister.
Mm.
Mm. That is the most beautiful quilt
I've ever seen.
Look at those colours.
It's just so vibrant and bold.
And that stitching is so intricate.
Whoever made this quilt
is quite the artist.
Oh, Emma. That is the quilt you made.
Ahem.
Now that I'm looking at it,
it's not so swell.
It's flawed. Maybe it's
just the way the light was hitting it.
No, no. You truly are gifted
with the needle, Emma.
All the women here are so excited
to learn your double-cross
wedding ring pattern.
- Beg pardon?
- I showed them all your samples.
l'm golng back to the country
l can't pay the rent
No, l'm not completely broke
But, brother, l'm badly bent
l can't understand where my money went
Well, l aln't broke
But l'm badly bent
When l get back to the country
l'll be llvlng ln a tln
Ma and Pa wlll surely mess
about how much money l've spent
Can't understand just where lt went
Well, l aln't broke
But l'm badly bent
Back up.
And l don't know just where lt went
Well, l aln't broke
But l'm badly bent
Can't understand where my money went
Well, l aln't broke
But, brother, l'm badly bent d
Um... hip-hup.
Move it on, Big John.
Come on, now. Go now.
We gotta go. We gotta get going.
Easy for you!
Coh! Ow!
Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa, John! John, yo-ho!
John! Whoa, we are ploughing now!
[Groans]
Kissed by the sun today,
hey, Cousin Jacob?
[laughs] Ouch.
Well, I must say we are blessed
to have you here for spring planting.
- Another man makes all the difference.
- Well, I'm just happy to be here.
Maybe tomorrow Big John
will give in to your training techniques
- and you can start on the north-20.
- Huh?
- Excited, huh?
- Very.
- Are you hungry, Jacob?
- As a matter of fact, I am, Emma.
Emma made your very favourite dish.
Mm.
- You don't know how to cook.
- Liver, kidney and lung casserole.
[Groans]
Oh.
Oh, look at that.
Eat up, Jacob. You're gonna need
your strength tomorrow, honey.
[Retches]
[Vomits]
Wow. Lipstick for me?
Oh, honey.
You look beat.
Let me draw you a bath.
[Retches]
- lndigestion?
- Don't remember eating that.
Guess what.
Emma doesn't have to cook tomorrow.
Guess what. Jacob may not let her live
to see tomorrow.
Do me the favour.
Do you know what I did all day long?
I was on my hands and knees
scrubbing floors.
What is that? Violins?
Can you hear them?
What about me? How about
ploughing on a woolly mammoth?
- Seen the size of that horse?
- Did you call Phil?
Yes. I used the windmill phone.
- Town is five miles away.
- Why don't you make a few more excuses?
I thought we were passing through.
I didn't know I was gonna spend the rest
of my life at Yoder State Penitentiary.
- I'll call him tomorrow!
- Fine.
I'm exhausted.
[Bed creaks rhythmically]
Please tell me
that's not what I think it is.
- Where do they get the energy?
- Must be from those schnitz pies.
Certainly not one of your schnitz pies.
Thank God. They're quick.
[Sighs] Like somebody else I know.
[Sighs]
[Banging]
- Morning!
- [Screams]
Look, it's already quarter to five!
Coh. Wow.
That's a pretty big number.
Are you gentlemen sure this is correct?
We do tend to frown on
excessive write-offs, sir.
I'd love to help you guys,
but I'm completely in the dark here.
Well. Then here's a little light.
lf I find out you're not acting
in complete cooperation...
Believe me,
I don't need any trouble with the IRS.
You don't know how right you are,
Mr Fancy-Desk.
lf you hear from 'em, give us a call.
"Mr Fancy-Desk"?
What an asshole.
Let's get a good, old-fashioned
tap on his line.
- Can we do that?
- We're the IRS. We do anything we want.
- Sir?
- Trust me, son. I know cheaters.
The Sextons are kicking back
in some fancy Caribbean resort,
slugging drinks
and copulating in unconventional ways.
They're having a great time.
That's it!
Know what I'm thinking about
right now, Big John?
Glue.
And I'm not talking about white glue.
I'm talking about stick glue.
Gosh, where does glue come from?
Anybody?
Your feet!
[laughs] It's pretty simple, pal.
Be submissive... or be adhesive.
You're a plough horse.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Show some self-respect.
They're talking about you in the barn.
Molly and Mae. I heard them.
"Coh, that Big John. What a stud."
"High in the rear,
and check out his pastern."
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!
Don't be a failure
the rest of your life. No.
Let's till the soil.
I didn't mean to yell. I was venting.
Let it go. Let it go.
All right, Big John.
You and me and the dirt.
Hi-dee-ho. Let's go.
Oh, no, honey.
Sweetie, go back home. Shoo. Shoo.
[Brad] Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
All right. Caroline!
- I'm ploughing!
- Yee-haw, Brad.
Bet these people don't get a chance
to see the zig-zag pattern very often.
You know... I think
I'm really getting the hang of this.
That's great, Mr Green Jeans.
ls that for me?
- Thank you.
- Don't read anything into it.
You said you'd call Phil today,
so could you go make the call?
I'm ready to exit the 19th Century.
And could you get me
a carton of cigarettes
and some Extra Strength Tylenol?
What? Aren't you going?
I can't go. I promised Samuel
I'd plough the rest of this field.
Oh! I have got to get out of here!
They've got me paring
and pickling and plucking.
And that annoying little girl
follows me everywhere I go.
You know what?
Prison couldn't be worse than this.
Would you stop complaining?
Oh, now what?
You're taking the horse to town?
No, I think I'll take the subway.
[laughs]
Brad, you cannot ride that thing.
This is not a thing, Caroline.
This is a horse.
His name is Big John. And he and l
have come to an understanding.
I hope the two of you
will be very happy.
- I need some help getting up.
- Are you serious?
Could be.
Give me your foot. Jump!
Hey. I'll need my hat.
- Oh.
- All right.
All right, Johnny. Let's go to town.
You know where town is?
Come on, you're making me look bad.
- Allow me.
- What?
Whoa, whoa! Johnny, Johnny!
Come on, John. OK.
Don't forget my cigarettes!
Don't tell me.
I can't know where you are.
- But, Phil!
- Careful!
I'm sure they've tapped the line.
Hiya, fellas. How are tricks?
I know how these morons operate.
Phil, dld you get hold of Lachman?
No, not yet. But I did manage
to get a copy of your returns.
Very interesting reading.
Brad, when did you buy a jet?
- I don't have a jet.
- Well, you deducted one.
- And what about this...
- How big a schooner?
Phil, you don't believe
this shit, do you?
- Should l?
- Lachman!
Brad, calm down or I can't help you.
I'm so sorry. I've just spent the last
day getting my ass kicked by Big John.
[Phll] Brad, no namesl
I've got a few ideas.
Let me do my magic.
- I'll get back to you in a week or two.
- Or two?!
Two? Phil. Phil. Phil.
Shit!
Finally, the break we needed.
Get the files on every gangster in
the western hemisphere named Big John.
Every one.
Jacob.
Uh... Jacob.
Yes. Just call me Jake, Henner.
Uh... Jake, could you spare a minute?
- Does it involve any heavy lifting?
- No.
Good. What do you want?
Uh... you know um...
here in our Ordnung,
men don't speak much
about certain things.
Actually, they don't speak much period.
Yeah. So I was hoping,
because your Ordnung is so liberal,
that I could ask you about, um...
I could, uh... For example, um...
Henner. Henner. Come on. Take a break.
What do you want to ask me?
Um... women?
Vimmin?
- Women.
- Vermin?
No! Women!
- Vimmin.
- Women!
- Women!
- Women!
OK. What do you want to know?
Marriage.
Oh.
- You and Rebecca?
- Ja.
See, I think about it constantly.
I'm practising,
I'm preparing what I'm going to say.
I see her and the words leave my head
and l... Something's wrong with me.
Nothing's wrong with you. Women do that
to men. It's called being in love.
But in our Ordnung, you cannot marry
without at least two years of courting.
Ah, and you want to jump the gun.
Take the plunge. Buy the cow.
ldioms aren't your thing, are they?
- You want to get married right away.
- Yes!
Yay-hey!
But, uh... Well, um... How long
did you court before you were married?
- Six weeks.
- You were married after six weeks?
But, oh, seemed like two years.
And we really, really loved each other.
So Emma was all you could think about.
You wanted nothing more than
to be in her company every moment,
all of the day and... the night?
lncredibly... yes.
[laughs] All that is needed is love!
I knew this!
I knew this in my heart,
but I was afraid to defy the elders.
Uh, uh, uh. Don't defy on account of me.
Thank you, Jacob. Thank you
for your strength and your wisdom.
[Groans]
Great. Save this for the honeymoon,
OK?
[Horse neighs]
Thank you.
[Caroline] What do you mean
we have to stay here?
- Keep your voice down, Emma.
- I will not!
And stop calling me Emma!
- Did you get my cigarettes?
- No one will find us here.
And it's not that bad.
We get free food, free lodging.
Free food, my ass!
I've never worked so hard in my life
for a meal.
- Keep your voice down.
- I won't keep my voice down.
I don't understand. Two days ago,
you and I were getting a divorce,
and finally I was gonna be rid of you.
I don't have to stay here another day.
Do you hear me... Jacob?
Fine... Emma!
Do what you want. Leave.
Pack your bags and leave!
- Fine.
- Ha-ha.
Coh!
[Sobs]
- You were right.
- Marital discord.
It's such a shame.
Must be why they came early,
hoping a change would make a difference.
[Glass smashes]
My mother's
God has sent them to us, Levinia.
I'm not sure how we can help them,
but we must try.
- Jacob?
- Evening, Samuel.
- We need to speak.
- OK. About what?
You don't think we know what's going on?
I didn't mean to put your family
in the middle of this.
Truth is, we were desperate.
Up you-know-what-creek
without a paddle.
- Shit creek?
- That's the one.
I don't know what to say.
Look, I'm sorry.
I know what I did was wrong.
We were just so scared.
Everything just started to snowball.
- We needed a place to hide.
- You mustn't hide from your problems.
You must confront them. lf you turn
your back, they'll only get bigger.
You must show no fear
and stand in their way.
That's not easy
when you're facing prison, Samuel.
Marriage is hardly
a prison sentence, Jacob.
Marriage?
My marriage?
Prison was too strong a word.
I meant sometimes
it makes me feel... claustrophobic.
Huh?
Well, all husbands and wives have
periods of disagreement and heartache.
But the harsh words. The evil looks.
You don't want to live like that
the rest of your days, do you?
Oh, Levinia, do we have to do this?
The vow of marriage. The love.
These aren't just words, Cousin.
It's the commitment we live by
and hold second only to God.
So that would make God first, right?
Remember, you wrote
about your picnics by the lake,
mating in the barn with wild abandon.
[laughs]
I'm afraid our barn-mating days
are long gone.
It's been a long time since
she opened her barn for me, Samuel.
But every day can be a new beginning.
That's the beauty of marriage.
Look inside your heart, Jacob.
And put hers above your own.
Once you've settled in,
you won't have time to be sad.
Now. Let's go scrub the kitchen floor.
Oh, could we? Gee!
Samuel, thanks for the talk. I feel
better now it's all out in the open.
You got a heck of a grip on you, Samuel.
[Hall] Big John, "The Chameleon". Dead.
Big John, "The Cockroach".
Turned state's evidence.
Big Johnny, "Cool Oat".
Serving nine life sentences.
Not so cool any more. Stick with it,
son. I will not be made a fool of.
- Too late.
- How's that?
- I said I'll be working late.
- Good man.
[Thunder]
- [Banging]
- Morning.
Uh...
Oh, God! Don't these people
believe in shock absorbers?
Just try to enjoy the ride!
Look at this carriage. 100 years old.
Looks brand-new. You don't see
quality like this any more.
God. You've crossed over.
You're one of them now.
Every day's a reminder
that I don't know how to do anything.
- You're feeling sorry for yourself.
- No, I'm not.
These women know how to do everything.
Hell, I can't even cook or sew.
- I'm domestically challenged.
- [laughs]
That's funny!
No, it's not. It's not funny at all.
I feel so useless here.
We can do this.
Do you still know how
to work a party?
Yes.
- All right. Fine. Let's go.
- All right.
[Brad] Come on. Here we go.
[Country music]
Having fun, Emma?
They're all dressed alike
and they're still having a good time.
You didn't all
wear the same thing back home?
Liberal Ordnung.
[Both] Liberal Ordnung.
Back in Missouri,
you probably wore many colours.
- Perhaps even different styles?
- Yeah.
Your Ordnung and so many others have
become much less rigid in that area.
But here, we're still very limited.
Our Leadership Council has taken
the colour issue under consideration.
They always vote no. They say
these are colours. The only colours.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I think it's ridiculous.
Black is the timeless classic,
but what's wrong with wearing pastels
and soft earth tones?
We wear colour
and still maintain group conformity.
Emma, this is the first moment
since you arrived that...
Well, the subject seems
to bring out a fire in you.
I have to admit, clothes are my passion.
After the Lord, of course.
We all share your feeling. Colour is
present in everything else God touches.
So why not what we wear?
The Council meets next week.
Perhaps you could help the elders
to change their minds.
No. Me? Next week?
Do you think I could make
a good impression on them?
Oh, ja.
Oh!
Well, that was fun.
We'll have to do that again soon.
I told you he was funny.
- Emma. Emma?
- Mm.
- I made this for you.
- Oh, no. Thank you.
No. Chocolate and I just aren't...
I have an addiction.
Oh, all right.
Mm. Oh, Lord.
- Emma, are you praying?
- Mm-hm.
I'm praying that I can stop eating this.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- [Screams]
Hm.
- I think she likes you.
- Mm.
- I think you like her.
- No, no.
She's just enamoured with me.
She's never met
a chain-smoking chocoholic before.
Wait a minute. Something's gonna happen.
[Whispers] Something wonderful.
I would like to marry your daughter.
[Gasps]
Friends! Friends!
I have an announcement.
I would like to make known
that as of today, my daughter Rebecca...
is engaged to wed Mr Henner Lapp.
[Excited murmurs]
God bless them both.
That is all.
Well, I hope they'll be really happy.
Why did we get married?
I don't know. I guess we thought
it was a smart thing to do at the time.
- You were working at Saks.
- Mm-hm.
You came in and you were gonna buy
these really stupid-looking socks.
I sold you a suit instead.
I still have that suit.
But you're right about those socks.
So I went to Saks looking for socks
and I got a suit and some sex.
You were really handsome.
- I was really handsome?
- Are.
But did you ever really love me?
You mean like that?
Did you ever love me like that?
- It was a long time ago.
- Yeah.
- Well, we were different people then.
- Yeah.
These people sure know how to cut a rug.
Yeah. Out a rug. Weave a rug.
Beat a rug.
[High voice] What if...
What if Jacob thought
he should want to dance with Emma?
You mean, for appearance' sake?
- Yeah.
- Oh. OK. Sure.
- OK. Good.
- Sure. OK.
Well, just start running,
I'll chase you.
[Music stops]
[Slow music]
- Whoa.
- You guys taking the day off?
No, we're going to make a transaction
with the English.
Samuel is going to help me
buy that 20 acres across from him.
A real estate transaction.
Did you get a geological on it?
Check the water and mineral content?
You might want to look at
the grade of that.
Any liens on the property?
You would maybe like to come with us?
Oh. Yeah,
I got a lot of shit to do around here.
Yeah, I would like to go, though.
[Brad] Phil, you don't
believe this shit, do you?
I've heard this before.
You're wasting my time.
- Listen.
- [Woman speaks German]
- It's German.
- [Woman continues]
- "Ordnung"?
- Yes.
It refers to the closed communities
of the Mennonites, or the Amish.
Of course. They don't pay taxes.
Joint's probably lousy with cheaters.
Let's go. I'll drive.
Colour?! What is next?
Leave behind the horse and buggy?
Where will it end?
With all due respect, I hardly think
that our wearing colourful dresses
is going to lead to tattoos
or monster truck rallies.
ln the Bible, it is written,
"Women shall adorn themselves
with modesty and sobriety,
without braided hair or costly array."
But this isn't about vanity.
Or violating your... our beliefs.
This is simply...
May I approach the bench?
Our quilts, our blankets,
are vibrant and joyful.
And yet we are forced to wear
these little black, drab numbers.
Aren't there mornings
when you wake up and you think,
"Oh, I am just so in the mood
to wear pink"?
lf you would excuse us
for just a moment, please.
Oh, yes, sure. Go ahead. Discuss.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
[Murmuring]
Could you perhaps gather for us
some samples of which you speak?
- Yes, sirs.
- The Council will meet again in a week,
at which time we will make our decision.
Wunderbarl
lsn't that good?! One week?
Uh... Oh.
Ladies, we have shopping to do.
Thank you, gentlemen. Clao.
[Samuel] This price seems a bit high.
We'd love to make you a better deal.
We're sitting on... eight other offers?
Try ten, Jerry. But they're city folk.
You know, Samuel, we'd always rather
do business with you Amish.
This is a hell of a property
at a rock-bottom price.
It is much, much more
than we have in mind.
Hm. We're not making a dime on this one.
It's way below market.
- Well, what do you think, Jacob?
- I think, if it's OK with you two,
I'd like to talk to
these two fine gentlemen privately.
Please?
I'll be right out.
Mr Yoder, is this property perfect
for that boy, or what?
It's extraordinary
the way you people help each other out.
You're quiet and reserved.
You never cause any problems.
It's why we love doing business
with you Amish.
So hey, what can we do
to wrap this thing up?
For starters, you can take your offer,
wrap it in a tight little wad,
and shove it up your ass.
I thought I was a good negotiator.
To bring the English down that much.
Very impressive, Jacob.
It was nothing.
I'm just glad I could help.
And to think I am now responsible
for a piece of God's earth.
Wait till I tell Rebecca.
This is one of
the happiest days of my life.
- Thank you, brother Jacob.
- You bet.
Brothers, I'll be right back.
Thank you, father Samuel.
Yes, collect call from Jacob Yo...
No, no, no. Brad Sexton, please.
Thank you.
- Phil Kleinman's office.
- Hi, Evelyn.
- Is that you, Mr Sexton?
- Yes, it's me. Put Phil on the phone.
I'm sorry, Mr Sexton. He's out of town.
What do you mean, he's out of town?
Where did he go?
- I'm not allowed to say.
- Why, because somebody's listening?
L'm not allowed to say.
- What are you allowed to say?
- That's pretty much it.
Why don't you try back in a week?
- Well, you tell...
- [dlal tone]
Damn!
Broke at my farm.
- [Woman] What did he say?
- I didn't think the Amish...
And you. Oh, this robin's egg blue.
Look at that.
Look how beautifuI that is.
- What's going on?
- Emma is quite a skilled shopper.
Well, she's had a lot of practice.
- Could I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
You won't believe the selections.
I'm gonna use autumn tones.
The harvest is my muse, my inspiration.
And the prices are half...
Caroline, we're in trouble. Phil's gone.
He won't be back for a week.
- Why is he taking a week off?
- Well, how do I know?
That's good! I need a week
to get my designs in order.
Your designs? Hello!
Caroline?
Oh, no. You've crossed over.
You've become one of us.
[laughs] Brad, be serious.
These women really need my help.
This is what I always wanted to do.
I can do this.
[Camera clicks]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't like
getting our picture taken, please.
I got you.
I understand.
Look, what's this gonna take, huh?
What do you need? Five bucks?
- A little Amish Lincoln?
- You need to show more respect.
What a dick.
- lntercourse, huh?
- Mm.
OK. You start in front, I'll come in
from behind and meet you in the middle.
Sounds good to me.
[Bed creaks rhythmically]
This is unbelievable.
Look at all these little guys.
I made them. Well, you know,
I planted them, and they're growing.
l, too, never grow tired of the miracle.
Well, it's... it's so honest.
I mean, you plough it, you plant it,
and it grows.
It's like they say...
you reap what you sow.
Aye, the process is so simple, isn't it?
The way things grow.
So quiet. So steady.
It's easy for people
to take things for granted.
The English, especially.
They view us as backward,
as hiding from reality.
But this is the reality.
This is the process of life.
We sow humility,
and we reap a great harvest.
It is not we who are hiding.
It's those English. Always hiding.
Jacob?
There. That's great.
Thanks a lot, guys.
Careful, Sammy. Stand back.
We talked about this, Big John.
It's your chance.
You're bigger than the stump. Think of
the girls in the barn. Hip-hip. Come on.
[All shout encouragement]
Come on, John.
You can do it, Jacob!
Come on, John! Come on! Come on, John!
Pull it, John. Come on.
Yeah!
Emma, I don't mean to sound prideful,
but how do I look?
Well, as long as
you don't tell anybody...
you look as pretty as the sunrise.
All right, everybody. All right.
Models, models, attention.
You... Heads up.
No modest, downcast eyes on the runway.
There we go. Now.
Think Versace, Armani, Valentino.
- Sears?
- [All] Oh!
Are we ready?
I can't. I thought I could but I can't.
Henner! Get over it! You'll be fine.
But people will be staring at me.
But that's the point, Henner.
Oh! Henner!
Well. So much for my men's collection.
Henner! Henner, can you hear me?
Good afternoon, everyone.
Well, everywhere we look we see colour.
We've come together
in the spirit of simplicity
to honour the beautiful rainbow
which God has provided.
So sit back and enjoy,
as we celebrate the glory of nature
in Rainbow Harvest '97.
Hah.
[Coughs]
Um... hit it.
[Man plays harmonica]
And along comes Mary,
wearing a beautiful starburst quilt
across her bodice,
offset by subtle hues
of aubergine and brick.
This ensemble comes complete
with easy-access pockets.
Thank you, Mary.
Notice the fabric as she walks away.
It reminds me of corn,
swaying in the gentle summer breeze.
How about y'all?
Well, next we have Sarah.
Talk about versatility.
This quilted smock
in royal blue and rust
becomes an instant sporty classic,
appropriate at a barn dance
or on a milking stool.
Now you tell me.
What Amish girl could ask for more?
Excuse me, sir.
We're trying to locate these two people.
Can you please take a look
and see if you know them?
Thank you very much.
- We're getting nowhere with these.
- Yeah.
I just got an idea, sir.
Oh.
lnteresting approach. Here's another.
You see, my way, we double our chances
in half the time.
Don't be discouraged. It took years
before my mind started working this way.
Little Anna Yoder.
She's the picture of youthful exuberance
in her bright yellow sundress
and azure underlay,
making those baby blues just sparkle.
Doesn't it just scream
daffodils and sunflowers?
Or not?
Thank you.
- What happened to him?
- He couldn't take the pressure.
Emma was so disappointed.
He was to wear her men's colours.
[Caroline] Now we have Martha
in a very conservative number.
Now, I ask you a question.
ls she going to church or...
[gasps]
...to a picnic?
You tell me!
Wherever she's going,
she's gonna have a great time.
Thank you, Martha.
Um... I also have clothes for you men.
Unfortunately, male models being...
you know, what male models are...
[audience] Coh!
Here comes Jacob Yoder.
Whether he's on his way to town
to purchase grain,
or he's shearing his sheep,
he always looks his best
in his blueberry work shirt
and his blackberry suit.
Almost good enough to eat.
Thank you, Jacob.
Thank you, Jacob. Thank you.
Thanks, honey. Jacob!
Cool it!
And that concludes Rainbow Harvest '97.
[Chatter]
- You're a brave soul, Jacob.
- I'll say. Very brave.
- It was nothing.
- You look very nice.
I just want to tell you,
no matter what the elders decide,
the clothes you made,
they are beautiful.
God has blessed you
with many talents.
Oh, thank you, but it wasn't just me.
I had my friends to help.
My real friends.
Um... Emma?
Um... I have a favour to ask.
I was wondering. Would you do me the
honour of helping us with the wedding?
- You want me to be the coordinator?
- Um... I guess so.
Yes! Yes!
- Good! Thank you!
- Ahem.
After much debate,
we have reached a decision.
- We like the colours.
- [Gasps]
[Cheering]
- Could I join you?
- Sure.
I know, I know.
Don't read anything into it.
I wanted to thank you
for helping me today, Jacob.
It was fun... Emma.
Do you want to sit down?
OK.
- I was really proud of you today.
- Mm.
Proud. That's gotta be a first.
No. You really helped those people.
You did something nice
just to do something nice.
- And you didn't even hire a publicist.
- Mm.
Yep. There you go.
I actually finished something.
And hey,
try and find an Amish publicist.
- You did good.
- Thank you.
And I know when you get out on your own,
whatever you do, you'll do great.
Mm. On my own.
There's a thought.
I'm sorry I held you back.
You didn't hold me back. No, you didn't.
I held myself back.
Hey, but hasn't it been great
not fighting with each other?
Yes.
It's too bad we didn't get
the hang of this a couple of years ago.
Yeah, that is too bad.
All those years chasing our tails,
for what?
Another car I didn't drive.
Another outfit I didn't wear.
The Holyland. ls that not
the worst idea you've ever heard?
Oh, Brad.
Yes.
[Pretends to sob]
You know, we can't stay here forever.
Yeah.
Look how bright the sky is.
It's so much clearer out here.
Yes, it is.
It was a wonderful day today, Samuel.
God only makes good days.
[Bed creaks rhythmically]
[Banging]
Afternoon.
Thanks to your semi-modern technology,
we've got bupkls.
lntercourse not paying off
doesn't mean your Dirty Harry technique
is better than forensic science.
ls that so? Well, who's got more movies,
Clint Eastwood or Jack Klugman?
- What?
- The only way to solve cases
is running down leads,
grilling suspects, long, lonely nights.
Sure, occasionally you come home
and your wife's in bed with
the bottled-water guy, but so what?
Boo-hoo, you blow your nose,
you move on.
Good old-fashioned police work
is the only way.
- Sir, look out!
- That's a cow.
That's a sign.
Hey.
On the other hand,
sometimes you just get lucky.
Sir, I think I messed myself.
Walk it off, son.
The vows you have taken,
you take for a lifetime.
These are promises
which you make to each other
with respect,
with kindness and fairness,
and with honour to each other,
with all lowliness, meekness,
forbearing one another in love,
endeavouring to hold
the unity of the spirit
with a bond of peace.
Neither time nor temperament
nor force of nature
shall diminish the solemnity
of this holy union in the eyes of God.
This commitment you make to each other
is sanctified in his name.
So will you, Rebecca,
take Henner to be your husband,
to love and to cherish, to honour
and obey till death do you part?
I will.
And do you, Henner,
take Rebecca to be your wife,
to love and to cherish, to honour
and obey, till death do you part?
- I will.
- So today,
before you friends, relatives,
brothers and sisters,
I offer you my blessings.
[Dog barks]
[Sirens blare]
How do you tell them apart?
They all look alike to me.
OK, people.
We're looking for the Yoders.
That worked well.
- What is this about, please?
- It's about Jacob and Emma Yoder.
- Please.
- I am Jacob Yoder.
- And I am Emma.
- You are not. They are.
Aren't you, Jacob? Tell 'em.
Maybe we should ask
for a public defender.
Phil's office swore he'd be here.
Hi.
It's nice of them to come.
What on earth is she wearing?
Looks like something
from Mizrahi's milkmaid line.
- I like the no-button look.
- Yeah, you would.
How will Brad
dig his way out of this one?
- Looks like the Quaker defence.
- All rise.
- We're gonna get the chair.
- lf we're lucky.
Well, well, well.
Mr Sexton. And Mrs Sexton.
- It's good to see you, Your Honour.
- You're looking very well.
I should be shocked
at the list of charges against you,
but somehow it rings all too true.
ls Malik Ali Farquhvar here?
Yeah, that's me.
How you doin', Your Honour?
And I am definitely here.
Your Honour, I stole that man's taxi.
We stole that man's taxi.
And I know there's some questions
about our tax matters.
Mr Sexton, where is your attorney?
I don't know.
- Then who will represent the defence?
- There is no defence.
- We just want to be held accountable.
- We want to make things right.
You're prepared to accept
the consequences?
[Both] We are.
Your Honour.
Your Honour.
Mr Lincoln.
I'd like to apologise.
I just came from the airport.
Permission to approach the bench,
Your Honour.
Thank you.
Your Honour,
I've arranged for the extradition...
[carries on inaudibly]
ln light of information which has
just been presented to the court,
we'll take a brief recess.
Look at the two of you.
- Where have you been, Phil?
- Zurich.
And I am pleased to report
that the long arm of the law
has triumphed once again.
You'll be billed accordingly. And...
I found Bob.
And as I was arranging
to extradite his considerable ass,
I did a little business with a
consortium of German investment bankers,
who flipped, absolutely flipped,
over the Holyland deal.
- They actually like it?
- Enough to buy you out.
[Panting] Brad.
I'm sick. I'm a sick man.
l... I was jealous. I had debts.
I had needs. Very expensive needs.
The cutlery. The Tuscan villa.
The jet fuel.
The special shoes. I have webbed feet.
I never told you.
I didn't want to burden you.
I know you must hate my guts right now.
No, Bob, I don't.
- Actually, I owe you.
- Huh?
I owe you a debt of gratitude.
Yeah. You saved our lives
and you saved our marriage.
You mean you forgive me?
Well, I'd like to.
I guess I still have
a little ways to go.
Nice arm.
Case dismissed.
[Frenzied chatter]
- Listen, Sexton, you're the man.
- Honey, what have you been eating?
Braddy boy, it's time to take
our relationship to the next level.
...my new pills. You'll love them.
They make everything taste like shit.
I am talking about a partnership here.
My brains, your financial brawn,
we can't miss.
Cigarette?
Gabriella's maid tried to kill herself
by climbing into the dishwasher.
Fabulous, huh? What do you say?
[Conversation in slow motion]
Hi!
How are you?
Anna, back in the house.
- Samuel, wait.
- Levinia, please.
We know what we did was very wrong.
We betrayed your trust and we hurt you.
I'd like to say
I wish this never happened
but I would be lying.
Coming here was the best thing
that's ever happened to us.
Where we live,
real friends are very hard to find.
Samuel, you told me to look
inside my heart to find forgiveness.
That's what we want you to do now.
For what it's worth, thank you.
I know I wasn't very good
at scrubbing floors,
but I really loved
spending time with you.
You English think you're so smart.
What?
Do you really think we didn't know?
Yes.
Then why didn't you say something?
Planting season.
We needed the extra help.
Besides, you looked like
you needed help, too.
But mostly... planting season.
Of course. The corn.
- Thank you.
- It's so good to see you.
Samuel, I still can't believe
I grew all this.
Yeah. Neither can l.
Um... before I go,
I'd like to give you something.
I know you can only use pocket watches.
I'd like you to have mine.
That is very kind, but in our Ordnung,
we don't accept gifts.
Samuel, this is the only thing I have
that's ever meant anything to me.
It was my grandfather's.
Well, I suppose we could barter.
Well, it is
a turn-of-the-century Swiss repeater.
What have you got?
How about a Swiss for a Belgian?
- Throw in some corn, it's a deal.
- Deal.
Don't open the back.
That was a great deal.
'97 Jag for a '54 Ford.
- He never saw it coming.
- Yeah, never.
- This has been quite a day, hasn't it?
- Yes, it has.
Came to say sorry to Sam,
did a good deed,
ended up with some feed and a steed.
And don't forget,
a basketful of schnitz pies.
- You're the schnitz pie.
- No, baby, you're the schnitz.
I think I just realised
why they call him Big John.
Would you let it go?
[Screams]
Here.
Brad!
[Shouts]
I think we finally found something
you're good at.
Ow!
- [Woman] Just a minute!
- Uh... excuse me.
I had debts. And needs.
Very expensive needs.
Fine wines. The Rolls. Special shoes.
I have high arches. It's very hard
to find a corrective shoe in a slip-on.
- Emma, I'll wait for you.
- Oh, good.
Brad, look out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ahem.
Look at this. It's dja vu.
- That's the same cow, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- And the same pond.
- You know what?
I bet I could get it for a good price.
And it'd be a terrific place
to raise the baby.
Yep.
What?