1
- Stay wide. Stay wide.
- Audio. Wherefore art thou, audio?
New York, sending bars and tone.
- Dave, when is she gonna be here?
- When?
- Don't look at me. I don't know.
- In our lifetime would be nice.
This is Houston Control. I'd like an ETA
on the royal personage Dixie.
- And what about Eddie?
- Eddie's been here since last Wednesday.
Yeah, in make-up.
- They're calling the kid.
- What kid?
- Jeff, Stan's assistant. He's picking her up.
- Terrific.
- Y'ello.
- Jeff, how you doing? How's she look?
- I'll tell you in two minutes.
- You're not there yet?
- Just pulling up.
- We have camera warm-up at six.
I want her here at 4.30 sharp
and that doesn't mean 4.31.
- No problem.
- This lady eats kids like you for breakfast.
Stanley, relax. I got it covered.
4,30 in make-up or it's your ass,
All right. Mazel ciao, babe.
Jesus Christ! Get that light off me!
You're gonna blind me!
Excuse me. Miss Leonard's apartment?
- Number 10 over there.
- Thanks.
Miss Leonard.
Miss Leonard.
Hello?
Miss Leonard?
Miss Leonard.
Who the hell are you?
- Miss Leonard.
- Uh-uh.
I'm Miss Leonard. You care to try again?
Jeff Brooks.
The awards dinner.
You and Eddie Sparks.
- I ain't going.
- Excuse me?
- I ain't getting on a stage with Eddie Sparks.
- Why not?
Because Eddie Sparks is
a goddamn son of a bitch, that's why.
Miss Leonard, you're the guests of honour.
It's you and Eddie.
You accepted six months ago.
It's the President's Medal,
the president of the United States.
- I never voted for him.
- They've got a live satellite feed.
It's 50 million people.
I don't understand.
Then let me explain it. Fuck
the 50 million people and fuck Eddie Sparks.
- You wanna hear it in French?
- No.
What's so funny?
I was just thinking I can't wait to be old
so I can talk to people like that.
- A clever one.
- Clever enough to fix this record player.
Oh, yeah?
My mother always said these hands
could mend anything but a broken heart.
OK, genius. You got two minutes.
But don't get too comfy, all right?
You're in on a pass.
Yes, ma'am.
It's none of my business,
but you think you oughta be smoking?
Honey, I shouldn't even be breathing.
Oh.
That's the problem.
There we go.
- May I hear the record?
- I ain't going to that cockamamie dinner.
So you can drop the charming act.
Yes, ma'am.
1942. The big one.
It was the war, right?
Yeah, the war. Everybody's big break.
Dixie, there's a shortage of acetate.
We're running out of blanks.
I'm sorry. I just... I was just wondering
what was going on in there.
There's a message for you, Dixie.
- Dixie Leonard.
- Mrs Michael Leonard?
Yes, sir.
- War Department cable. Sign here, please.
- No, I can't. Milt, you...
- Danny, come here.
- What's wrong, Mommy?
- Please, honey, just come here.
- Come on, Dix, relax.
- Let's not have a...
- What?
You know.
"To Dixie Leonard." Blah, blah, blah.
"From Headquarters Special Services,
US Army, Windsor Court Hotel, London."
"You're a poopsie. Have gone out on
enormous limb to convince Eddie Sparks
you are ideal replacement for sick
June Davis for big Christmas tour."
"Drop everything. Bring one sweater,
two pastrami sandwiches, all your charts."
"Love, Uncle Art."
- You're fooling?
- I'm jealous!
- Is it from Daddy?
- No, it's from Uncle Art. Daddy's fine.
- He's fine. Go play.
- Is Uncle Art your fairy godfather?
No. Art Silver, Eddie Sparks' head writer.
I knew they were over there but...
Eddie Sparks, he's so cute.
I got such a thing for him.
- Get in line, honey.
- From what I hear, you have to.
So I leave everything and run over to London
just because Eddie crooks his little finger?
You gonna turn down
a USO tour with Eddie Sparks?
That's a career maker.
Danny, how'd you like to come and spend
a few weeks with your Aunt Corrine?
Do you know how much I love you?
How much?
- How big?
- Bigger than the sky.
You're a guest here,
so you have to pick up after yourself
and you have to eat all your vegetables or
Santa Claus isn't going to give you one thing.
Do you understand?
Are you gonna bring Daddy back?
Well, Daddy's doing such a great job
fighting the bad guys over there,
they need him for a little longer.
You mean when he kills all the Germans,
then he can come home?
Absolutely the same day.
- Sing me.
- Which one?
You know.
There's a place
Way up high
Starry bright there
through the night there
Close your eyes
Let your wishes fly
You'll be in dreamland by and by
They're here.
Eddie! Eddie!
- Let's go.
- Now, Mr Sparks?
No, next Tuesday.
There's gonna be a major riot here.
- We're going in one minute.
- She's late. I told you we shouldn't wait.
Eddie, I didn't make the fog.
Girl singers. God save me
from girl singers.
- Art says she's dynamite.
- Art says?
Art's her goddamn uncle.
What do you expect?
- Where is Art?
- I'll find him.
Dixie! Dixie!
I made it! Hi!
- Oh, God!
- I'm so glad to see you.
- Let me look at you. You look beautiful.
- I didn't think I'd ever get over. Here, here.
- You remembered. Pastrami, you angel.
- I'm beat.
Eddie, I almost forgot.
Art says to open with this.
- Does he?
- The entire bomb group got back. No losses.
- Who do you wanna see?
- Eddie!
- What's his name?
- Eddie!
- Speak up. I can't hear you. Who?
- Eddie!
Oh, him. The cute one.
You requested him.
Now here he is. Eddie Sparks!
The band play on, Eddie does his monologue,
ha-ha-ha-ha, then he intros Vicki.
- Who's Vicki?
- Dancer, friend of Eddie's, hubba hubba.
Got the picture?
Then Eddie out, intro Dixie.
- Wow. What the heck's that?
- They must have started.
I just got a couple of scores
for you guys here.
Chicago 14, Philadelphia 3.
898th Bomb Group 21...
Germans nothing.
- It sounds like the Army-Navy game.
- You'll get used to it. Try and learn this.
- It's a comedy spot. You and Eddie.
- What?
- Nothing to it.
- I can't do a comedy spot.
It's OK. It'll all be on cards.
Funnies with the girl singer.
It's Eddie's trademark. They expect it.
- What are you gonna sing?
- "Stuff Like That There."
- Is it up?
- It's up. It's bouncy.
Comedy spot, you and Eddie, ha-ha-ha-ha,
then "Stuff Like That There", then applause,
Wally and the band,
then wrap up Eddie, bye-bye.
- So when do we rehearse all this?
- Rehearse? Dixie, this is it.
- Hello, Dixie. Sam Schiff, Eddie's producer.
- Hi.
- He's really excited about your being here.
- That's wonderful. Anything for Eddie.
- Sounds good.
- He could run for prime minister. I'm serious.
- Why not king?
- I was thinking Fhrer,
I'll see you later.
This bundle of joy is Loretta,
Eddie's other writer,
our wardrobe mistress and my love slave.
Dream on. Hi, Dixie. I'm Loretta.
Nice to meet you. Easy. How you feeling?
Like the Ringling Brothers
were camping in my mouth.
Thank God... a live one. You go on after Little
Bo Peep. Why don't we get you dressed?
Song! Song! Song!
- "Stuff Like That There." Go, go, go.
- Corporal. Band person.
D flat, not E flat. He didn't hear me.
I've been up two days.
How do I sing an E flat?
You could sing in L, they'll love it.
What's the matter? You OK?
I'm fine, I'm fine. England, right?
All right, enough of this.
Now, guys, a little girl
who can make grown men cry...
Our own little bit of lend-lease,
the amazing Miss Victoria Lee.
Hi, boys.
Great.
Sensational. Sensational.
She's here. She's getting dressed.
- Loretta, my hair.
- You look great.
Let's go over these lines again.
- That's him.
- That's him.
He's coming over here.
- Hello. Dixie?
- Yes.
- Hi, I'm Eddie Sparks.
- I can't believe I'm seeing you in person.
They love you so much.
Gosh, you're amazing.
- Just a kid from the Bronx.
- Imagine.
So what are you gonna sing, sweetheart?
- "Stuff Like That There."
- Like...
- I don't know that.
- It's an up song. It's bouncy.
Bouncy's good. So did you ever sing
in front of a real band?
- Did you ever hear of Tommy Dorsey?
- Dorsey? Of course.
Me too. Great band, huh?
That's a joke. Actually,
he did ask me to tour with him once,
but I have a little boy and my husband
is a combat photographer in North Africa...
Are we really gonna do a comedy routine?
Piece of cake. Just read the cue cards and
when in trouble you throw it back to papa.
Yes, sir.
Boy.
That is quite a dress.
Well, this is me in my dress.
- You're gonna be sensational.
- Thank you.
Sam.
- Get me a backup.
- What's up? She looked nervous.
- Nervous? She was like a horse on fire.
- Well?
She's no Greta Garbo.
Sam, could you give us a minute, please?
- Eddie, Steel Pier, Atlantic City, 1931.
- Don't start.
You were wearing the check suit.
I said lose it.
You were doing I don't know what. I said
"We're gonna write you..." Look at me.
Who am I? Come on, Eddie.
The writer. Why do they call them writers?
Cos they're right, right?
You're a smug bastard.
I should have dumped you years ago.
- You still got the check suit?
- Fuck you and your cousin.
Niece. And she's gonna go all the way,
with or without us.
- Damn. Look at this.
- What?
- I think I'm gonna puke.
- No. A couple of deep breaths.
- What is it, butterflies?
- Elephants.
Here, take the edge off.
Better?
- What is that?
- Nazi tank fuel.
Grows hair all over your pinamunda.
I know, I need some rest.
- OK, take a look.
- Oh, Loretta.
- I look human. Thank you. You're a genius.
- You're on next.
- What, now? Oh, God.
- Honey, it's a bunch of horny guys.
- How you gonna lose?
- In that case, let me at 'em.
- Maybe we can pin it.
- It's too far gone.
You're on next. Holy Moses!
What happened?
They're gonna take me outside
and shoot me like a deserter.
Larry! Stretch.
Someone who just flew
over from the States to be with us.
Let's give her a big welcome.
A great, great singer.
Miss Dixie Leonard!
- Guess what.
- What?
She's not ready.
Isn't that like a dame?
If you guys took this long getting dressed,
we'd all be speaking German by now.
- Don't you have another dress?
- Don't you wanna try and help?
- Captain?
- Who, me?
- Yeah, you. Hi.
- Hello.
Hello.
You know, there is one piece of
women's apparel I don't quite understand.
The one with the straps,
the buttons, the hooks.
- It's a brassiere!
- It's harder to get off than a parachute.
That's why I always offer to help.
Well, hi.
Hello.
Thought you'd never get here.
So sorry. Little trouble over
the Channel, you know, old pip.
Really?
Righto. We were halfway to Belgium when
we ran out of "gas", I believe you call it.
That's funny. You don't look like
you'd ever run out of gas.
Are you trying to get
into my flak suit, honey?
I'm just trying to debrief you.
So, a plane without any gas.
What did you do?
Do?
Yeah, do.
To keep up morale and all that.
Well, my copilot, lovely young boy
but terrified half out of his wits,
you know, nervous, terrified.
I said to him
"This one's going to take
a long, hard, pull."
So I did!
For two hours.
Two hours alone with you...
that boy deserves a Purple Heart.
It was purple all right,
but I don't think it was his heart.
I think I've gotta take a cold shower now.
How about a song before we all get arrested?
I'd love to.
Here she is, direct from the convent,
the wonderful Miss Dixie Leonard.
I want her and her mouth
on the next plane outta here.
All right, OK, all right, all right.
So are we being attacked?
I always like to know these things.
- We lost power. Give us a minute or two.
- Why you gotta yell?
Well, alone in the dark
with thousands of men.
There is a god after all.
- Come on, sweetheart. Sing!
- Yeah!
There's only one thing I like to do
in the dark, honey, and it ain't sing.
Oh, my.
Well, if you feel that way about it.
"PS I Love You" in A.
- Is that for me or the guy on the generator?
- You!
I love you. I had the best time.
Thank you.
It was... It was...
Mr Sparks.
- Is there something wrong?
- Yeah, honey. You. You're wrong.
You got a toilet for a mouth.
I don't appreciate it.
A lot of these boys are gonna die
and you wanna send them off
with a bunch of cheap-ass
dick jokes, is that it?
- No, sir. I just thought...
- You thought?
If you haven't got the class,
you oughta have the brains.
- OK, Eddie, enough.
- What?
- You made your point.
- There are a lot of writers without nieces.
Eddie.
How about that?
The fabulous Dixie Leonard.
Really nice work, Dixie.
How about a hand
for the very lovely Vicki Lee?
Not to mention my number one man,
Wally Fields and the boys.
Well, that's our show.
I hope you liked it.
You.
- No autographs, fellas.
- Sam, it's all right.
Just a few.
Eddie, that new stuff I put in tonight,
did you like it?
Not now, honey. That's it.
I don't need this.
I've been working in clubs since I'm 16.
Dixie, when I first started with Eddie,
he fired me every day for a week.
- It's a squall. It passes over.
- He's a racehorse. It's a different set of rules.
He knows what happened out there.
He's no fool.
- He's an evil, sadistic son of a bitch.
- He happens to be right about the dick jokes.
He kept setting me up.
What did he expect?
Come on, Dixie.
You panicked and went for the crotch.
We get to the hotel and you apologise.
What did I do? I got a few laughs,
I brought down the house, I topped him.
- You're supposed to.
- We're gonna build the act around that.
- What are you talking about? There's no act.
- No act, huh?
You two are gonna be an industry.
- She sings pretty good. She does funny.
- Yeah.
- Funny is money.
- Yeah.
- Welcome to jolly old life as usual.
- Come on, Wally, let's go get stupid.
- Dixie, honey, I wanna buy you a drink.
- Go with them. I'll be with you in a minute.
We'll be under the bar.
Wake us for the armistice.
Hello, Reg. That's the Dixie Leonard
I was telling you about.
Listen, Eddie.
Me and Dixie just had a long talk.
She feels terrible about what happened.
I think we should just
clean the slate and start over.
Why?
Did you tell him?
- You tell him.
- Tell me what?
The two of you are gonna be bigger
than Burns and Allen.
Bigger than Hope and Crosby.
Bigger than all of 'em.
I got all these advisors. Who's the guy that
goes out and gets the laughs every night?
It's you, Eddie. You are the one.
And that's why
I'm gonna go bring her over.
I wish you wouldn't do that.
Want some aspirin?
- Come on.
- No, I don't think so.
He feels terrible about what happened.
He just needs you to break the ice.
- Go on, Dixie.
- Go ahead.
He's disconsolate. Come on.
What would I have to give you
for one little kiss?
Chloroform.
Eddie, you remember Dixie Leonard.
Yeah, I remember. So...
So...
You have something to say?
Yeah. I don't like
the way you talk to my uncle.
What is your problem, lady?
My problem, Eddie,
is you can't walk all over people.
It makes a bad impression.
- I guess that's what's held me back.
- That's what's held you back as a person.
Oh, God. Right through the heart.
I mean, if I had one.
That's enough. Sit down,
have a drink, for Christ's sakes.
No, I'm gonna get some sleep.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Dixie.
I give up. What do I have to do?
You could try saying you're sorry.
Apologise. Go fix it.
Let us pray.
- Two-bit Napoleon. I bet you he wears lifts.
- You can't take him personally.
- Him and Hitler have the same agent.
- Good line.
- He's just like all the rest of them.
- Give us a song, Eddie.
I apologise.
- Just relax and follow my lead.
- Yeah, right off a cliff.
You just let me teach you
and nothing'll stop us.
We'll be bigger than Burns and Allen,
bigger than Hope and Crosby.
We'll be bigger than all of them.
OK.
- Oh, my God. What's that?
- It's an air raid.
- What do we do?
- Do? Nothing can happen to you.
You're with Eddie Sparks.
And he was right,
You could feel it, He was invincible,
Nothing could happen to you
if you were with Eddie Sparks.
He just had magic.
And how they loved him, those boys.
Airfields,
camps,
hospitals.
He was something.
Generous...
stingy...
infuriating...
brilliant.
A world-class,
solid-gold son of a bitch.
Liked the ladies, did he?
He screwed everything that moved,
between Portsmouth and Yokohama.
Really?
No, honey, not me.
I was married.
Back then you... you didn't do it
with someone else if you were married.
Yeah, I think I read
something about that.
Who was he? Your husband.
Michael.
Five, six, seven, eight...
- And duck.
- Oh, gosh.
- Am I too far?
- Algeria's better than Palm Beach.
You get a better class
of scorpion in your tent.
I was nowhere near your tent.
- How about that desert sun, Dix?
- What's the line?
- My sunburn got a sunburn.
- I hate that.
Would you mind awfully
if I worked on it with Art?
- Not awfully.
- Eddie. Eddie.
Why don't we take five?
The sun was so hot that I saw a Nazi pilot
putting nose cream on his Messerschmitt.
- They found him.
- Great.
Sergeant Michael Leonard,
combat photographer, attached to 3rd Army.
- That's him.
- Had to pull some strings.
- He'll be here at 1630 hours.
- What does he know?
- Just to show up.
- I tell you what, I owe you one, pal.
Wait, wait, wait.
Here you go.
Thank you.
I'd like to introduce you to the only
two-star bachelor in North Africa.
- And a very big fan of yours.
- Hi.
Indeed, ma'am. Indeed.
Did you ever see the inside
of a general's command tent?
- No. Am I gonna?
- She's such a kidder. Go on.
So tell me, General,
how did you get all those stars?
Well, you gotta earn 'em, honey.
Wait. You only got two cameras?
I got two cameras on the platform.
I got a handheld over here.
- Listen...
- What's the matter with you?
Why don't we tell her?
Are you nuts?
I want those first reactions on film.
The real thing, no acting.
She sees him, he sees her,
they run, they embrace, they kiss.
You gotta be kidding me.
That's dynamite.
It's a million dollars' worth
of publicity, Sam. A million. Please.
Code three.
Algeria's a better place
than Palm Beach.
You get a much better class
of scorpion in your shorts.
- How about that desert sun, Dix?
- It's just terrible,
The other day I saw a Nazi pilot
putting nose cream on his Messerschmitt,
Dixie?
He's on his way down.
It's a pleasure working with someone
who can make General Patton blush.
- Sergeant Leonard, Sam Schiff.
- That's my wife.
Eddie Sparks'... producer.
- Code three, code three.
- OK, fellas. Code three.
Dixie, it's me! Michael!
Dixie, it's Michael!
It's me! It's me, Michael!
- Oh, my God. My God, it's Michael.
- Merry Christmas.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a little surprise.
A certain sergeant
who hasn't seen his wife in a year.
Come and get her, Mike!
Hey, sarge.
Hey, sarge, break it up here.
Sarge, for some reason
I get the feeling she might like you.
I'm a pretty great guy.
People ask me "Eddie, why do you do it?"
Why?
They say "You could be back
in the States
with your lovely wife,
beautiful three daughters."
They too understand
that we're here for moments like this.
That's why we're here.
Whenever freedom's at stake, we'll be there.
Sing him a song, honey. He's earned it.
This is presented on behalf of the president
of the United States and a grateful nation.
Thank you.
Do you wanna come with me?
What do you say?
Come on.
- That son of ours is really something.
- What happened?
Last night I'm tucking him in bed.
He says "Is kissing dirty?"
- What'd you tell him?
- Only if you do it right.
Hold it. Dixie, the line is
"Only if you don't brush your teeth."
- Yeah, but my line's funny.
- Here we go again. What do you wanna do?
She can't say that. She can't say it.
You wrote the line. You tell her.
- Censor says no, Dixie.
- Screw the censor. Maybe that's the answer.
What do you say, Jack?
Four o'clock, Hotel Edison, Room 809?
Let's everybody take five, OK?
Dixie, it's me, for Christ's sakes.
Leave me alone, Eddie.
I don't wanna talk about it.
- What are you gonna do? The way he says?
- Yeah.
- Harold, take a hike, will you?
- It's Danny.
He's cutting school,
he doesn't come home at night.
- He's 12 years old. He's growing up.
- Eddie, stop. Just stop.
Dixie, Eddie, look who's here,
Oh, my God. Eddie, look. In the fish tank.
It's... the sponsors!
Gentlemen, may I say...
your coffee, I can't live without it,
because it's not just coffee.
It's nectar, it's ambrosia,
it's really like a drug, isn't it?
You probably do put a little narcotic in it,
I've gotta have that coffee!
Sorry, Dixie. We're out of time.
Everybody be back in 30 for air.
Eddie, your wife and daughters
are in the greenroom.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Mummy, may I have a pretzel, please?
- No, darling. You'll spoil your appetite.
- Hello, Daddy.
- Hello, my angel.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Sweetheart.
So, how was traffic?
None to speak of.
Well, I guess I gotta get dressed,
so I'll see you after the show. Girls.
- Good luck.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Excuse me.
- Hi, Eddie. Hi, girls. Want a pretzel?
What is this? Danny Leonard in a tie?
Somebody died?
- My mom wants me to dress up for the show.
- Let's go find her. See you later.
Sh. Oh.
Wait, wait, wait.
How about that?
Which one would you want,
the blonde or the brunette?
- The blonde.
- No.
The brunette? How come?
How come, my boy? Brunettes...
are wilder.
- Hi, girls.
- Hi, Eddie.
- Hi.
- Hi, cutie.
We gotta go. See you.
Contortionists. Never mind.
Absolutely perfect.
- Merrill, who am I supposed to be?
- Scheherazade.
I look like Sabu on a bad night.
- Hey, Ma. Neat costume.
- Merrill, do something with this.
I wanna talk to you.
Come here.
I'd like you to read something.
Go ahead. Read it.
"Dear Dr Rich. Please excuse
Danny from school tomorrow
as he has to visit
his aunt in Connecticut."
Signed Dixie Leonard.
Very good, the Connecticut detail.
Gives it real authenticity,
only Connecticut is spelled with two Ns.
How about this one? "To visit his father's
grave in Washington DC." How could you?
- And this one!
- Miss Leonard...
- Get out!
- You're needed on the floor.
Listen to me.
So you cut school. All right.
What do you do all day?
I'm asking you a question.
What do you do?
Do you walk the streets? Do you go
to the movies? Is this with other kids?
Please. You talk to me.
I'm asking you a question.
I don't know, all right?
It's like you said, OK? Me and some guys,
we go to the movies or hang out.
You sound like a bunch of guys
in an old-age home.
Do you really hate school that much?
- But you gotta go.
- Why?
Because it's the law. Because I say so.
Because your father wanted you to.
What the hell kind of question is that?
- Uncle Eddie never went past the fifth grade.
- Uncle Eddie isn't an example of anything.
Dixie, for God's sake... places!
And now it's time for The Bailey's Comedy
Hour with Eddie Sparks and Dixie Leonard.
Brought to you by Bailey's Foods,
makers of Bailey's coffee
and other fine products for your table.
Hold four. Here we go. Take one.
Watch it. Stay with it,
stay with it. Take it.
Loretta DeChecko, Jesse Sparks
and Wally Fields and the band!
And now here they are,
the Whirling Jepper Clayton Dancers!
We're on two. Three, go to 90.
Take three.
Move in, two. I can't hear the rhythm.
Get the rhythm up.
Go, four.
Dolly around, three. Right... take four.
Listen, I really want you
to lay off Danny. I'm serious.
- What do you mean?
- All this fake man-to-man bullshit.
- It's not bullshit.
- Yes, it is.
He's 13 years old,
not one of your poker buddies.
- You're smothering him.
- You fill his head full of crap.
- Such as what?
- Don't study, life's a big party...
- Sounds good to me.
- Oh, yeah?
You got three daughters.
Give them your wisdom.
- My wisdom is for a son.
- Don't break my heart.
How long's it been?
Eight years Michael's dead?
- You shut up.
- No. You let me talk. Enough is enough.
The boy needs a father, a man in his life,
someone he can talk to.
- Somebody who can teach him.
- How to screw the chorus girls?
Why not, if he wants to? Get off me!
Why not? That's life. I wish somebody was
there to teach me how to kiss 'em, talk to 'em.
- How to jack off.
- What did you say?
Who's gonna tell him
his thing won't fall off? His mother?
- Why don't you put a dress on him?
- You'd probably make a pass at him!
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
the stars of our show...
everybody's lovebirds...
Stay with it, stay with it. Cue 'em on.
..chic-est couple,
Eddie Sparks and Dixie Leonard!
Take it. Why don't you write
funny stuff like that?
You know, medical research has shown
that a rich, hot cup of Bailey's
gets you off to a great start
in the morning,
- Coffee, Miss Leonard?
- Never touch the stuff. Gives me the runs.
- How about some tea?
- You bet.
Mm, Bailey's, That royal,
roasted flavour,
- What do you want?
- It's not important what I want.
Eddie wants you to pull yourself together.
It's renewal time, Dixie.
Come on. You're gonna go out there
and you're gonna do the sketch like a pro.
And strictly from the script, right?
- That son of ours is something.
- What happened?
I'm tucking him in bed last night.
He says "Is kissing dirty?"
- What'd you tell him?
- I said to him:
"Sex between two people
can be a beautiful thing."
"But between four people, fantastic!"
Oh, come on.
Everybody clear.
Get the music started. Here we go.
Well, that's our show.
We hope you liked it.
We sure liked doing it for you.
And until next week, remember...
We're two minutes short.
Give them a fill.
Too short?
Time, we're short time.
Two minutes time.
Do you have any ideas
what we can do in two minutes?
Not unless you're part-rabbit.
The truth is I have been
thinking of something.
This'll be a surprise to you too, Dix.
There's a war happening
halfway across the world
in a lonely place called Korea,
So, I was thinking maybe you, me, Wally and
the boys, we give 'em a little Christmas cheer
and do our Christmas show
in the Yokohama harbour.
Applause. Push the button.
What do you say?
Well, Eddie, as long as
we're talking about helping the boys,
now would be a good time to share
with everyone the magnificent gesture
that this man made today.
There's a time for speaking out
and a time to be modest.
I know that all your fans will be delighted
to know that earlier today
Eddie made a personal contribution
to the International Red Cross of $100,000.
What a guy!
That's my bonus.
We're out of time, folks.
Me! Me!
You.
Tune in next week
and join our special guests:
Bobo, the wonder chimp, Vicky LaRue
and Chester, and the Flying Feldmans.
For Bailey's coffee,
I'm Niles LaGuardia.
- You couldn't say $50,000?
- You're lucky I didn't say a million.
All right, so... maybe I shouldn't have
sprung it on you like that.
- I just thought it'd be more dramatic.
- It was dramatic all right.
- Only trouble is I ain't going.
- Yes, you are.
- Korea.
- And Japan.
- Get outta here. I gotta get dressed.
- Mom?
- Yes, son?
- I'm with Mrs Sparks and the girls.
We'll be right there. Dix.
Look...
- You know what they got in Japan?
- Yeah, radiation.
That's funny. That's not all.
It's... I can't tell you.
It's a fabulous, fabulous country.
There's mountains and hotels...
Come on outta there, will you?
They got all these rituals.
They got these special tubs.
You get in... two people...
and they rub the soap round you.
- What's Margaret gonna do? Hold the towel?
- What is the matter with you?
Soon it's gonna be too late. You'll say "Me
and Eddie could've been beautiful together."
It really works
when you talk to people like this?
- You tell me you don't want it.
- I don't want it.
- You're lying.
- It's not a sex problem with you.
It's a hearing problem.
- Hi, Mom. You were great.
- The show was wonderful. I loved it.
Hi, Uncle Eddie.
- You guys really going to Korea?
- Yeah.
But you're all going to join us in Japan for
Christmas. Won't that be wonderful, Eddie?
- Oh, Eddie. What a lovely idea.
- Keep the families together.
That's so important
in these uncertain times, don't you think?
So tell me about this Korea place.
What's it like?
You're gonna love it.
It's a tropical paradise.
Just like the Polo Lounge.
Give you something to write about.
I've never endured
such discomfort before in my life.
- War is hell. You can quote me on that.
- Go away, go away.
Get outta the way!
Get outta here! Get outta here! Come on!
Goddammit. Lousy gooks.
What do you expect?
These people have no character.
They got no shoes, lady.
That's irrelevant.
It's a matter of national character.
Excellent point, Luanna.
Include it in your next column.
- They're freezing. Can't we do anything?
- We are.
We're saving them from Communism.
See their happy faces?
Cos they don't have to sleep
under some oppressive Communist blanket.
What would you suggest, Mr Silver? We stand
aside and let the Communists take over?
No. I think we should teach
the Communists our military strategy,
then they'll be sure to lose.
- Is that a joke?
- Lady, this whole war's a joke.
- And you can quote me on that.
- Come here.
- Are you nuts? Are you nuts?
- Eddie, she's a gossip columnist.
In 200 newspaper outlets, a friend of J Edgar
Hoover's, every network head in her pocket,
and you wanna trade quips with her?
She'll bury you!
And I don't want you taking me with you.
Forget it.
She is doing a major story on me. Major.
I don't care what you think about
on your own time,
but when you're on salary,
you button it up, all right?
- Fucking war. Gets everybody crazy.
- Let's load up the trucks right now!
- We're getting outta here.
- What's up?
Chinks just jumped in with both feet.
They overran the base an hour ago.
- Our base?
- Not any more.
- What the hell's this?
- Do you believe this?
- Damn.
- Stop!
- We got trouble, Eddie.
- What's going on?
- Stop!
- Hold it. What's that?
- Stop the truck!
- It's a trap.
- It's a marine.
- We got wounded.
- We got VIPs here, man.
- I got fucking wounded!
- What's the problem?
- There's been an ambush.
There's men all over the place.
I gotta get these trucks down there.
- Move!
- Let's go. Hold on.
You're gonna be fine.
You're on your way home now.
You OK, kid? You're going home.
I need another pair of hands here!
I need some help, goddammit!
Hang in there, fella. Hold this.
Over here.
Here. Hold it steady.
Put pressure here. Let it loose every 15
minutes for 30 seconds or he'll lose a leg.
I need stretcher bearers!
Hold this tight. Who the hell are you?
- Dixie Leonard.
- The singer?
Crazy goddamn war.
Hang in there, fella. Hang in there.
30 seconds every 15 minutes,
Dixie Leonard.
Let's go! Let's move it out!
- It's bad, isn't it?
- They're gonna fix you right up.
- Swear to God.
- Sure.
Me and Humpty Dumpty.
Holy shit.
Eddie Sparks.
- It's OK. You don't gotta get up.
- Yeah. Right.
Where you from?
Wilkes-Barre.
I played Wilkes-Barre.
You're gonna be fine.
You're on your way home now.
Careful, careful.
I gotta go with him.
His leg.
- Hold it. Down.
- The tourniquet. He told me...
- I know, ma'am. I got it.
- Careful!
The medic said his leg would be OK.
Pupils fixed and dilated. He's dead.
- Belly wound. He never had a chance.
- He can't be.
- Miss, please.
- No, but he said...
No, but... But he can't be!
He can't be dead!
Excuse me, Miss Leonard.
Follow me, please.
Please, Miss Leonard.
Let's go, Mr Sparks.
This is yours, Mr Sparks. Miss Leonard,
you're the last one on the left, OK?
Thank you.
Just kids.
That's some fucking thing.
Just a kid. About 19 or 20.
Sh.
- Stay with me, Dix.
- Oh, Eddie.
No, not like that. I...
I just...
I don't know.
I don't wanna be alone, OK?
- Hi.
- Hi.
You're up early.
Always.
So what do you think?
You know what I think?
What I think is this Luanna is gonna get up
any minute, sticking her nose around.
She'd like this one, too, Luanna.
You and me.
She'd print it too.
Jesus.
Margaret'd kill me.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
A bunch of guys got killed and we got laid.
Am I missing something?
- Sorry you feel like that.
- You'll get over it.
Dixie, last night
was really very, very special.
Yeah. And we'll always have Paris.
I swear, I don't know
how to talk to you sometimes.
Eddie, it's really OK.
But you oughta quit while you're behind.
Tamaki Kawakubo!
Domo arigato,
I'd like to make a toast.
Eddie, Dixie, on behalf of our fighting
men and women everywhere,
you're doing a magnificent job.
To you, to your troupe,
we love you and God bless you.
- Hip, hip!
- Hooray!
- Hip, hip!
- Hooray!
- Hip, hip!
- Hooray!
- Nice party.
- Yeah, I've had worse.
Eddie, the sponsors are getting
a lot of heat about this writer of yours.
- Art Silver.
- Art Silver? What kind of heat?
Well, they... they say he's a Red.
He signed some things.
I don't know what.
He's not gonna overthrow anything.
He's a comedy writer.
I know that, but these guys have got a bug
up their ass about this whole commie thing.
Yeah, well, I'll talk to him.
Yeah, well, it's past that.
They want him off the show.
- That's ridiculous.
- Eddie, they're ready to walk.
I mean it. They're not signing
unless he's off the payroll.
- They want you to handle it now.
- What do you mean, now?
- Tonight.
- It's Christmas.
Eddie, we are talking
about a five-year renewal.
Now, please, think about it.
I'll tell you what, fuck doing the work.
Go to another network.
They're all the same. They're all
cleaning house. Actors, directors, writers.
It's a bloodbath.
Eddie, my friend,
that's just the way things are now.
Me and Art...
18 years we've been together.
You gotta stop thinking about just yourself.
You got a lot of responsibility.
You got a lot of people on the payroll.
You can't afford to be controversial.
Is this a private party
or can anybody get in?
And have you been a good little boy?
Listen, you got a minute?
All right, smile!
Good, that's terrific.
- Nice to have you aboard.
- Thank you. Nice being here.
It's done.
Merry Christmas!
Oh, my heavens.
Is that Miss Luanna Trott?
What do we have for little Luanna today?
Something to get around on.
Ho-ho-ho!
- I'll save it for Halloween.
- Good sport, Luanna.
Ho-ho-ho!
And who have we here?
What's your name, son?
- Come on, Uncle Art. It's me, Danny.
- Danny, you rotten little kid.
What you got on your hat there, Danny?
I see some writing on your hat.
USS Missouri.
And here it is. A perfect replica
of the USS Missouri for you.
Oh, and Mr Admiral.
We haven't forgotten you.
Mr Admiral has big responsibilities
during the Christmas period.
What could we give to Mr Admiral?
Oh, my goodness.
Another replica of his ship,
the USS Missouri.
- She never looked better.
- And no shelling the civilians, promise?
I promise.
And who's this lovely lady?
I'll bet you we have something really nice.
Well, let's see here. It's an autographed
picture of her husband,
personally inscribed: "To Margaret.
Best wishes. Eddie Sparks."
I'll cherish this for ever.
God, it isn't. Is it?
I don't have my glasses.
It is. It's Eddie Sparks.
- Have you been a good boy, Eddie?
- Don't do this.
Don't do this? This is what I do.
Don't be a schmuck.
We'll work it out under the table, all right?
Under the table? I can't work under
the table. That's where all the rats are.
And now, boys and girls,
it's time for Uncle Eddie's present!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Oh, look, Eddie. There's a note.
- Why don't you read it?
- Why don't you read it?
OK, I will.
"Dear Eddie."
"I wrote my first joke
for you on this, June 1932."
"I thought you should have it...
for your trophy case."
Signed: "Your pal."
"Art."
Well, boys and girls,
it's time to go back to the North Pole.
Ho-ho-ho!
Happy Hanukkah and to all, sayonara!
- You fired him?
- You stay out of this.
Wally, play some music. This is a party.
Dance, everybody dance.
- Some high drama here.
- I'll fix it.
- May I have this dance?
- You can go fuck yourself.
Come here.
You know where you're going here?
You wanna give it away
because he wants to live in Russia?
- What the hell did he do? Sign a petition.
- These guys control the network.
He's your friend.
Tell 'em to go to hell.
I'm not committing suicide
for Art or anyone.
You are so full of shit.
You're worse than they are.
Who did this? Who did this?
Was it you, Luanna?
You smug bitch.
Did you put my uncle's name on a list?
Did you? What are you smiling at? You did.
Or you, Sam, was it you?
Or you? Or you, or you?
Who's next, fellas? Rudolph? He's got
a red nose too. We can't be too careful.
Hey! I got a great idea!
Let's form a club.
Everybody who joins gets a button...
"I got screwed by Eddie Sparks."
- Don't worry, Eddie. She doesn't mean it.
- Come on, we're going home.
- It's OK, son. She's just tired.
- Look at him. See who he really is.
This man threw your Uncle Art out
like a piece of garbage.
You wanna grow up to be like him?
Sure, turn your wife into a drunk.
- Use people up and throw 'em away!
- It's OK, Eddie.
- And he's gonna throw you away too!
- It's OK, son.
Come on.
He's a monster! Come to me! Come to Mom.
Mom...
You can't have him!
You keep your hands off my son!
It's OK, son. It's OK.
I believe that our generation
will change the world.
I believe in freedom and honour,
hard work and the genius
of the American system.
I believe in the need to protect that system
with strength and justice and compassion
wherever it is threatened.
I believe in respect for rank
and the wisdom of our founding fathers.
I believe in America.
To love it and defend it as my father did
with the ultimate sacrifice.
I believe in the importance of family,
in my mother and her spirit.
What the hell could I do?
There was Eddie every time I turned around.
And you know what? Danny loved him.
I never had a chance.
- And you and Eddie?
- We hardly spoke.
Network dropped me like a hot potato.
They said I was...
- Controversial?
- Bingo.
That was me. Isn't that a hoot?
Me, who always thought Karl Marx
was the sixth Marx brother after Zeppo.
Eddie stayed with the show but...
it never really worked.
Cancelled him after a season.
- So what did you do?
- What did I do? What didn't I do?
Dinner theatre, stock, club dates.
Saved up a little money, bought myself
a little bistro in Hollywood.
A jazz club.
I liked it. Friends would come by.
And Danny?
Danny.
- Bring him back here,
- Remember to stop the bleeding!
These frantic efforts were to no avail,
The wounded man was dead,
Purple smoke marks the landing zone as
the medevac helicopter arrives minutes later,
- Twice in one week?
- I'm a fan.
Thank you.
Eddie called. Couple of weeks ago.
He called a lot, actually.
I went over, we got to talking.
He gave an interview about me
in the LA Times,
The whole blacklisting thing
is coming out this Sunday.
You know what he said?
"I don't much about Art,
but I know what I like."
Very clever line.
Did you write it for him?
15 years, Dixie.
I can't drag it around any more.
I don't wanna end up
writing for Beat the Clock,
Art, you're my uncle and I love you.
Do what you gotta do, all right?
There's a kicker.
The network wants a special.
Eddie Sparks' 25th anniversary
of the first tour.
- They're throwing money at him.
- America, the land of the fee.
Two weeks in Vietnam.
We got Loretta, Wally,
everybody from the old group.
- Not everybody.
- At least hear him out.
Would you do that? For me?
For old times. We owe him, Dixie.
I owe him, all right.
He's outside.
He was afraid to come in. He's out there
sitting in the goddamn limousine.
Can I tell him it's OK to come in?
He sent you in here for this?
Who's he gonna send?
Sam's dead. The girls are gone.
Margaret's left him. We're all he's got.
Come here.
- Look, it's Eddie Sparks, right there.
- Oh, yeah. Look, Eddie Sparks.
- Hi, Mr Sparks. How you doing?
- Hi. I'm looking for Dixie.
- She's waiting for you right over there.
- Thanks.
Excuse me, sir.
It's Eddie Sparks!
- Mind if I sit down?
- It's a free country.
So far, anyway.
So...
Art, you spoke to him, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
- So what do you think?
- I think your hairpiece is too tight.
It's starting to affect your brain.
Always with the quips.
You know, you and me.
You and me.
Back together again. We could show 'em.
Dixie, I wanna do it again.
Big show, big audience.
Not this television shit,
300 people in the bedroom.
I mean 10,000.
That sound, remember?
Oh, my.
I wanna do it again.
What do you say? One more time.
- I'm not in the business.
- Look...
We could see Danny.
Look. He writes to me all the time.
He writes to me all the time.
Here, look, look.
Saigon... Now, look...
Look, Danny. Danny, Danny...
Look, I got friends.
State Department, four-star generals,
the president, they owe me.
Don't do this.
I could get us in. Don't you wanna
see your boy? Don't you wanna see him?
I do. Come on. You wanna see him, right?
You son of a bitch.
Hey, why is he following the road?
- Cos he's afraid to fly over the jungle.
- Afraid? Of being seen?
A lot of VC, right?
I'll be straight with you, Eddie.
I don't like this.
You got no business being here.
I can't guarantee your safety.
Don't worry about it.
- There it is.
- Where? Over there?
Oh, my God.
You got one hour to do what you gotta do
and then we're outta here. Got it?
Where is he?
He's out checking perimeter guards.
He'll be back in a while.
Get your choppers back here by 1430 hours.
I can't guarantee air cover after that.
Don't worry. We got a big show
in Bien Hoa tonight.
10,000 guys.
That's certainly a lot of guys.
I'd like to get a look
at the stage area if I could.
I know the men
are gonna really enjoy the show.
- I hope so.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Major.
Pretty exciting, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah? Help you, son?
So I finally got you two
in the same room.
Danny.
- Danny, Danny, Danny.
- Ma.
It's OK. It's OK, Ma.
Hello, son.
Good to see you again.
You're mixing it up pretty good,
I hear, huh? Huh?
Sir?
Charlie action, firefights, like that.
Yeah.
They're out there.
You look like hell.
I'm fine. I'm fine, Ma.
I can't tell you how damn proud we are
of what you're doing here.
We're gonna beat
those little bastards, you know.
Yes, sir.
As soon as we find 'em.
- Williams.
- Captain Danny.
- O'Connor.
- Hi, Captain.
Come on.
What? What is it, Danny?
Honey, talk to me, for God's sake.
It's a shame, really.
Such a beautiful country.
I don't know how it's ever gonna
come back from all this.
- He doesn't get it, does he?
- Honey, don't say that.
He moved heaven and earth
to bring us here.
With the cameras.
- He's gonna get it all on film, right?
- Why are you surprised?
What have you been writing him
all this time?
What he wanted to hear.
- What'd you want me to write?
- The truth.
The truth?
See that kid up there?
The corporal?
Yeah.
He's a sweet kid.
He's from Chicago.
His father's a schoolteacher.
He collects ears.
He cuts the ears off of dead bodies.
He's got a hell
of a little collection of 'em.
In 20, 25 years...
he's gonna sell them stateside, he says.
I gotta send him home.
He's only 19 years old and he's gone.
It's a nightmare.
Please.
You know, Eddie, he's got a lot of friends.
He could get you out of here.
I'm a captain, Mom.
I got men under me here.
And anyway....
it'd break Eddie's heart.
I went to the doctor.
He said my sex life was all in my head.
I said "Yeah, I know,
I want it lowered."
You gotta laugh or else they're gonna sell me
to the VC for target practice.
- Where are the girls?
- Girls!
- Girls!
- Hold it. Did I hear girls?
We got girls!
We got girls!
Hey, Janie, come here!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hold it, hold it.
Hold it, hold it. Guys, guys, guys.
Come here, come here.
Let's have a hand
for little Janie Perkins.
She'll be back later.
She's gonna do more later. Lighten up.
Now back off here a little bit.
I got a special treat for you guys.
I'm gonna tell you now.
You know your captain Danny Leonard?
Hell of a man, hell of a man.
His mother...
His mother flew 12,000 miles
to be with him and to be with you.
Best singer I've ever heard.
She's here for you guys.
Let me bring her out.
The wonderful Miss Dixie Leonard.
Dixie! Dixie!
All right, shut up.
Shut up!
You guys are the sorriest bunch of grunts
I ever saw in my life.
Where the hell did you learn
your manners?
Don't you know you're supposed to say
"excuse me" before you attack a lady?
Show us your tits, Mama!
I would, sonny,
but you'd probably have a heart attack.
All right, shut the fuck up.
It's Christmas time.
Gonna sing a little song for you.
I need stuff like Danny listening.
He's not in the audience.
I can't find him.
Keep looking, will you?
Incoming!
Drop! Drop!
Move it! Move it! Move it!
Get down in there, you hear me?
Don't come out!
We flew back with him
on the plane, Eddie and me,
And... we buried him,
and we never spoke again,
25 years,
Listen, why don't you just relax?
Just close your eyes
for a couple of minutes, OK?
Do that for me?
I'll be right back.
The thing you wanna avoid
is outlasting everybody.
Can you remember that?
Sure.
Good.
Just close your eyes.
I've gotta...
I'm gonna be right back, OK?
Just two minutes, OK?
Where the hell are you? We go in 20 minutes.
Eddie's asking for her.
Forget it. You don't want her
on the stage with him. Not on live TV.
- What happened?
- Her life.
Jesus, don't get poetic with me,
you little putz!
- Listen, it won't work, Stan.
- OK, dump her and get your ass down here.
I don't think so, Stan.
She needs to be with somebody.
Is everything all right?
Go see if Joan Collins
is out in the audience.
Miss Leonard?
Jesus. Miss Leonard, are you all right?
Miss Leonard! Miss Leonard!
Miss Leonard.
Open this door, goddammit! Dixie!
It opens out, genius.
You're dressed.
Balenciaga. What do you think?
You look beautiful.
You thought I was taking
a bunch of sleeping pills.
No, I...
This dress cost me.
I ain't gonna waste it. Let's go.
You're gonna do it?
50 million people.
He can't handle that by himself.
And that better be a stretch limo
or you're in deep shit.
Yes, ma'am.
Stand by with the girls, please.
Ready to cue the girls in and cue 'em in.
And ready, boys.
And dissolve... Send them in.
- She's coming!
- Here she is!
Miss Leonard! Can we have a picture?
Come on, back off. Back off!
Let her through!
Come on, Miss Leonard.
Please!
- Keep the hands in.
- What?
- She's here.
- Great. Get her into make-up quick.
Standby on two. And take it.
Get outta the way.
Miss Leonard, I'm Stan.
I'm the producer.
This is such an honour.
We're thrilled you decided to come.
- Where's Eddie?
- No time for that.
After this number we go to commercial,
then the tape of the president's greeting,
then the film clips, then we intro
Senator Ramsey for the presentation,
then you and Eddie, "Glad to be here",
couple of shticks, then you do your thing.
- Sounds lovely.
- Five minutes,
- Where?
- Make-up.
- This way.
- Right over there.
Where are you going?
Hey, kid, I am talking to you.
Son of a bitch still makes me nervous.
You go easy on him.
Remember, he's an endangered species.
Ain't we all?
- Thank you.
- For what?
You know, showing up,
being a pushy assistant.
Ex pushy assistant.
You got a bigger talent,
like your mother says.
You can fix things.
- Goodbye, Miss Leonard.
- Goodbye.
Ooh!
Miss Leonard! I can't believe it.
I'm Lou Presti, Eddie's manager.
Eddie, look who's here.
You won't believe it.
Well, the "late" Dixie Leonard.
- Hello, Eddie.
- Lou, that's five dollars you owe me.
- You got it.
- We had a little side bet.
He said "She's not coming. Forget about it.
She can't take the pressure."
I said "This one, you don't know."
Couldn't stay away, huh?
50 million people.
That's a Leica, isn't it?
Right. That's very good.
Are you a photographer, Miss Leonard?
No, but my husband was. May I see that?
Sure, sure.
- It's kinda heavy. Be careful.
- Yes, I see. Oh, my. Yes.
Don't touch that.
What the hell are you doin'?
- Those are all my shots!
- You want pictures of me, you ask me.
Lou, Lou.
- Clear the room.
- Please, would you mind, everybody?
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Eddie...
Please, please.
So I see the years
have not mellowed you.
You want mellow,
buy yourself a Rudy Vallee record.
Funny.
Listen up. You cleared the room.
Now what?
- I don't know. I thought we could talk.
- I don't wanna talk. I wanna get ready.
Yeah, but I wanna talk.
About what?
How about sleep? Old people
are always talking about sleep.
- How you been sleeping lately, Eddie?
- Me? Like a baby. How about yourself?
Not so good.
I dream a lot. Then I wake up.
- You should try some warm milk.
- No. I like the dreams.
They're very enlightening.
Do you believe
in the unconscious, Eddie?
Personally, I prefer the conscious.
They pay more attention.
You still got your touch, Eddie. Even though
you do look like a goddamn turtle.
- Thank you. You look good yourself.
- Thanks. Mind if I smoke?
- I don't care if you burn.
- What a prince.
I had a doosey of a dream last night.
You were in it. You wanna hear it?
- No.
- It was fantastic.
I dreamed I died and went to heaven.
And the angels... the angels told me
I could ask God one question.
So I said... I was very excited...
I said "God, first you took Michael."
"I sort of understand that. He was wild.
He was reckless. Fantastic in bed."
"OK, so Michael."
"But then Danny too.
Why'd you take 'em both? I gotta know."
And you know what God said?
He said "It's the price."
I said "What for?"
He said "It's the price for the good times,
for the fun, for the laughs,
for the applause, for the career,
for you and Eddie."
"Think there's a free lunch, girlie?"
He talked like he was from the William Morris
office. In fact, that's who I think he is.
Yeah. So now you're through?
No.
We did it.
We put a uniform on him.
- Don't do this.
- He loved us and we put him in the ground.
All right.
It's 25 years. I can't go on like this.
I need you. I can't do it alone.
You listen to me, you crazy bitch!
I never killed nobody!
I never started the wars.
I'm not a fucking general!
I'm a song-and-dance man.
We went out there and we made 'em forget
for a couple of hours.
- It's not that simple.
- I'm proud of what we done, Dixie.
I'm proud of every minute.
I'm proud of every show. It was an honour.
- A sacred honour.
- Dixie and Eddie, places,
Dixie...
I know he died.
Him and a million others.
Why don't you mourn for them?
- I do.
- Well, so do I.
So do I! But you pick yourself up. You don't
waste your life and chew on this thing!
I didn't waste my life.
I made something of my life.
I gave birth to him.
I nursed him. I sang him to sleep.
And they massacred him.
For what? For honour!
Fuck honour! I want my son back!
I don't need this.
I don't need you.
I don't need anybody.
Go on, you old fraud.
Get your medal.
I hope it was worth it.
..and, certainly,
none more distinctly American
than the two people
we honour here tonight.
On behalf of the president,
it is my great pleasure
to present the National Medal of the Arts
to Eddie Sparks and Dixie Leonard.
Where is she?
Anybody have any idea where she is?
Take one and cover it. We're on one.
Three, swing round
and get some audience.
Bravo!
I should do this well at my funeral!
Seriously...
This is a great honour.
A great, great honour.
And Dixie, she couldn't be
with us tonight.
She's a little under the weather.
But I know she's watching.
So hang in there, honey. We love you.
We both want you to know
that we share this honour
with all the young Americans
who laid down their lives
for the greatest country
in all the world.
On the beaches of Normandy...
the Philippines...
Korea...
Vietnam...
Come on. Eddie, what? Let's go.
Stand by with a commercial.
Vietnam...
Vietnam...
A small... A small fire base on...
Christmas Day, 1969.
They...
They just came at us out of the sun.
And we lost our boy.
To tell you the truth, I...
I haven't been sleeping so good,
Not so good,
Because I loved him
like he was my own son.
I loved him very, very much,
Danny... I...
Here she is. I need the spots on her.
Oh, how great!
Pipe down, pipe down, will you?
You know, when I...
When I first met him, he was nothing.
Doing it single.
Bad suit.
Impersonations, song parodies.
Terrible.
But I saw some potential there
and I took him under my wing,
and I taught him the business.
I taught him the moves,
the songs, the timing.
I even taught him
how to impersonate a human being.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
You know...
for an old broad,
you're still pretty sexy.
How would you know?
Well, I think I'm getting excited.
Let me know when you're sure.
Hey, Dixie, they gave me
a big suite upstairs.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And I got a big king-size bed.
- You wanna lie down, Eddie?
- Is that an offer?
It's a recommendation.
Look at this. I'm 91 years old.
50 years I've been waiting for this chance.
- Dixie, please let's go upstairs.
- What, to your room?
- Yeah.
- Ohh!
- And then we get undressed?
- Yeah.
- And then we get into bed?
- Yeah.
And then what?
Maybe we'd better dance.
Thank goodness she showed up.
There is a Santa Claus!
Wonderful. Stand by, music.
I'm coming, sweetheart. Are you ready?
- Wait. I gotta find my feet.
- They're there. Trust me.
- You ready now?
- Don't hurt yourself.
Don't worry. And five, six...