[atmospheric electronic music]
# #
[sighs]
"Hi, Dave.
"I wanted to introduce myself.
"My name is Laurent,
"and I'm your foreign exchange
student for the semester.
"I like to play soccer.
"Our team is very good.
"I love meeting new people
and experiencing new things.
"I want to let you know
"that I have a girlfriend
back here,
"but she's fine with me having
some fun while I'm in the USA.
"I have enclosed a picture
of me and my best friend.
I can't wait to meet you."
[mumbling]
[driving rock music]
[car horn honks]
(Shantz)
Yo, calm down, fudge packer.
I'm doing
some very important work here.
What is that?
You, you have anything
that could play this?
No, man, not 8 millimeter.
Damn it.
Shantz, your math assignment,
gave you a B-minus
just so we don't ruffle
any feathers.
Sweet!
My genius!
All right, so you have
a geometry test today.
It's on proof of triangles
and polygons.
Triangles and--
and polygons?
Polygons.
Dude, that's--
What, that's in Washington
for history.
I did--
dude, I promise you.
I studied last night.
The polygon
is in Washington, D.C.
No, no,
that's the Pentagon, man.
That's the Pentagon.
(Shantz)
Shit.
[driving rock music]
(man) # I look outside to see
my dream a ways #
[car horn honks]
(Shantz) Get your powdered-cologne ass
out here!
So she's blowing me.
My grandpa calls.
Oh, no!
Grandpa Ernest.
And you know what I do?
I talk on the phone
the whole time.
Oh, watch this.
I'm gonna get her.
There she is.
There she is.
Get her.
[laughter]
[cheering]
Hey, guys.
(Jay) Yeah, bro,
she smelled that shit.
[laughing]
Hey, yo, Dave,
get your ass out here
before Robin comes over
and molests me.
Dave better bang that chick
this year.
(Jay)
For a girl like that
to be a virgin,
that's like having wings
and never flying.
That's pretty deep, Jay.
Thanks.
Been saving that one
for a while.
What's up, Dave?
Hey, wiener breath.
You want road head?
I'll give you a blow job
right now.
(Hashbrown) You know what, Shantz?
You're stupid.
(Jay) If you're so smart, bro,
you wouldn't have got caught.
(Shantz) Oh, come on,
that was totally worth it.
The look on Lonnatini's face?
That was priceless.
(Shantz)
Do the face. Do the face.
[laughter]
Jay, because of us
getting caught,
you now have
some hot piece of tail
staying in your house
for the next three months.
You should be licking
my taint.
Keep asking, buddy.
Never gonna happen.
Look, it will be
an easy "A," okay?
And next year, we'll be laughing
about this at "O" State,
so let's just do
this thing.
Yes!
- Yo!
[singing spiritedly]
It's great.
Oh, Disco Danny.
What's up, dude?
Don't fight it.
Ow, fuck.
Bro, bro,
get it away.
What is wrong
with you?
Three years and haven't
gotten it right.
Dude, I feel sorry
for your dick, man.
[moaning]
[moaning]
I get it.
I get it.
Oh, dude, Dave,
check this out, man.
Found it
in my dad's basement.
What is it?
Think it's some kind
of old-school porn.
Is it a film?
Yeah.
There's a light
right there.
She's got
the 70's hip-to-hip.
Look at that.
LL?
What's LL, man?
Uh, "long-haired ladies,"
I guess.
[all speaking at once]
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
People.
People!
Shut your gaping holes!
All right.
Now, you're all here
because your exchange students
are arriving today.
(man)
Wait, wait a second.
I thought we were
the exchange students.
Oh, man.
I was all ready to go
to Amsterdam, man.
Ah, crap, I even broke up
with my girlfriend.
And I quit my job
at Hotdog on a Stick, man.
I told my dad off.
It was hard to pack
the sleeping bag.
That's a great example
of what happens
when you're dumb.
Is everyone else sure
they're in the right place?
Yes, ma'am.
- Right here.
Present.
[clears throat]
Good.
Here are the files
for each of your
foreign exchange students.
They are being dropped off
at 3:00
in the school parking lot.
You all are going to be
shining examples
of what our beautiful school
can produce.
(Shantz)
Uh, Principle Lonnatini,
the four of us would like
to gracefully withdraw
from this wonderful opportunity
to allow other
deserving students the chance--
Zip it, meathead.
After third period,
I'd like to see the four of you
in my office.
Dude, this is gonna
totally suck balls, man.
You and Jay get
hot, horny girl babes.
I get some eastern blockhead.
Dude, come on, man.
I deserve it, all right?
After all these years waiting
for Robin to come around.
Whatever.
Oh, fuck, Mia Ho.
Turn around.
Who's ho?
Mia Ho.
Just turn around please.
Hi, Dave.
Hey, what's up, Ho?
Hi, Shantz.
Oh, my god, Dave.
This week's issue of
The Hughes Herald is brilliant.
The piece you did
on the school marching band
was genius.
I really like
that you used my name in it.
That was so sweet.
Well, you know, I used
everyone in the band's name,
so it's...
Oh. I know.
But it's totally sweet.
So you want to hang out later?
Oh, sorry,
but he can't.
We're having a party tonight
to loosen up
our foreign exchange students.
Maybe another time, Ho.
All right.
Shantz, why do you always
call me by my last name?
It's a jock thing.
I do it to everybody.
Hey, Boyle,
what's up, buddy?
It's what I do.
Keepin' it real.
All right.
Whatever.
Well, anyway,
maybe another time, Dave.
Any time.
All righty.
Anyhoo.
My little Davie ready to bang
some French chicks or what, huh?
I don't know.
- Come on.
Shantz, I don't know, man.
I really don't want to
screw shit up with Robin and me.
Wow, you know, for a girl,
you got a lousy rack.
Fuck you.
Oh, hey, Robin.
(Robin)
Hey, Shantz.
Dave, are you going
to French with me?
French with you?
Class, French class.
Right.
Uh, no,
actually,
I forgot to do my homework,
so I think I'm gonna skip.
Oh.
- Yeah.
So what are you ladies
doing tonight?
Nothing, actually.
What are you guys doing?
Um, we're just--
Jay's house.
- Yup.
Love for the foreigners.
All right?
Be there.
Awesome.
You two should wear
something low-cut
and easy to remove, okay?
Obviously, I'm gonna kill Jay
for not telling me sooner.
I got to go get me
an outfit.
Okay, so I'll see you tonight.
Yeah, I'll see you tonight.
I love you.
Ball check.
Oh, fuck.
Did you just--
- Jesus Christ.
Did you just say
"I love you"?
The fuck's
the matter with you?
Hey, let me remind you about
who you are to Robin, okay?
No nooky, no ass,
no poontang, no booty,
no sweet, supple vagina,
no bobbin' on the knob
like corn on the cob,
no getting your pee-pee wet,
no skin flute symphony,
no labia lip-lock,
no beatin' the guts,
no cervix sucker punch,
no mushroom massage,
no mouth hug,
no long stride lefty,
you know, if you were
a little crooked like me,
no spraying the swimmers--
All right, Shantz, Shantz,
shut the fuck up.
I get it,
Jesus Christ.
Fuck, my stomach.
Look, I'm just trying
to make a point, Dave, okay?
It's senior year.
I ask you again,
when are finally gonna get
your little in the middle?
I don't know,
all right?
Look, all I know is,
when it happens,
I want it to be perfect,
okay?
I want there to be fireworks
and Marvin Gaye playing,
and most importantly,
I want it to be with Robin,
okay?
Look, you got to
forget about Robin.
Forget about her.
Mia Ho.
Mia Ho is the way to go.
You know she wants it.
And that Asian pussy
is so tight,
it'll make even
that little pecker feel big.
You know what, you're a bitch,
but you're right.
I know you're just
looking out for me, man.
I'm sorry about that, dude.
- Thank you, thank you.
I'm sorry, man.
Why is there
a poster of you up there?
What?
Oh!
You're a dick.
Principle Lonnatini, you--
you really like bush,
don't you?
Yes, yes, I--
I love bush.
I mean, wow,
you really, really love bush
don't you?
Yes, I do.
As much as I love bush,
I prefer a nice landing strip.
[snickering]
A good shave
is always nice.
[snickering]
[laughing]
You mean like a Brazilian wax?
[laughing]
What?
Did she just say that?
[loud thud]
God damn you.
You know, this is exactly
why I brought you all in here.
Your complete lack of respect
for anything important
is an insult
to every natural-born American.
I know you may want to coast
through your last semester
like the worthless
little parasites that you are,
suckling on the teat
of this United States
government-funded institution.
You remind me
of an itchy little rash
that you get one night
under the bleachers
with your dress
pulled over your head
and all your classmates yelling,
"Katie Rottencrotch!"
[whispering]
Rottencrotch?
Those wounds never heal.
But this is a beautiful school,
full of beautiful Americans
that shower every day,
and they don't speak
any other language
but good old-fashioned
American English.
You know, I don't know
who I want in this school less,
you four
or those burrito-munching
sand turds.
I have spent
my entire life being pro-life,
but I'm rethinking it now.
Get out.
(man)
Hashbrown,
are you with us on this problem?
Uh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Good, well, then I'm sure
you wouldn't mind
coming up
to help us out with it.
Word.
You skipped a grade, right, son?
Two actually.
I have a lot of friends
at M.I.T.
I'll put the good word
in for you if you want.
Actually, I'm going to State,
but thank you anyway.
State?
You're better than that.
Think about it.
So, Chelsea, you coming
to my party tonight?
I don't know.
Well, if you don't come,
I can't come.
It's your party, Jay.
Wouldn't you come anyway?
(Jay)
Probably,
but if you come,
I am guaranteed
to come.
Well, I want to come.
Who doesn't want to come?
Great, but it's not that easy
for me to just come.
There's a lot of work
to be done
before I can just come.
(Jay)
We can do that work together.
I'm just saying, you coming
will definitely
make me come without a doubt.
Even if I just heard you
say the words,
"Jay, I'm coming,"
that alone would probably
make me come.
Well, maybe I'll come.
(Jay) Maybe you will,
but from what I hear,
that's more up to the girl
than it is the guy.
[laughs]
What?
(Jay)
Nothing.
So, you coming?
Oh, I'm coming.
[driving rock music]
# #
(man)
Push it more.
Five more.
Five more.
You're looking swollen.
Yes.
Hey, Shantz, you want
to hop in here and get a set?
We can always use a third cock.
Damn it.
I got to graduate
with a 2.3 average
to get the scholarship.
Big deal, man.
Dude, you know
I have, like, a 1.9.
A little help.
A little help.
So her sister stumbles in,
and I'm like,
"bitch, you wake him up,
you keep him up."
No.
It's true.
Hey, did I mention
she was a college chick?
See, shit like that
is gonna happen
every day at State.
The fantastic fornicating four.
(Shantz) Hey, guys,
I got a problem.
We know, Shantz,
but herpes is not treatable.
Shut up, jerk-off.
I can still kick your ass.
Touch.
Look, it might only be
the three amigos.
I got to get my GPA up to a 2.3,
or I don't get in.
That's some shit.
Dude, Shantz,
you've got to be joking me.
In other words,
it's a sure thing, slam dunk.
I'm never gonna make it.
That's almost straight "A"s.
That's all "A"s
and a B-plus.
You're screwed
and not in a good way.
No, uh-uh.
We got to have faith, man.
Look, this is
what we've always wanted
since we were kids,
all right?
We're going to State
together.
Dave, Shantz, my man,
don't you worry.
From now on,
I will do all your papers,
and no more "B"s.
We'll get you there.
Thanks, man.
You know, I could probably
get my hands and some tests,
have Hashbrown
fill them out for you.
We'll make it happen.
- Thanks, guys.
(Dave) We'd never leave you hangin',
bro.
Next year, we'll be living up
the college life
with fuckin' titties
and just drinking--
You smell that?
Smells like three-legged deer,
fellas.
Three-legged deer?
Easy prey.
(Dave) Oh, right, right,
I get it.
Anita?
Si.
You must be Jake.
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, guys,
this is Anita.
She's from Brazil.
So do you speak Brazilian,
or...
Mexican?
Spanish.
Portuguese.
Oh, I failed geology.
[laughs]
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Good morning, Gordon.
Listen, Drago,
it's Shantz, man,
Shantz, Shantz.
Okay?
What do we call you?
Emelianenko Tronovsky.
A million ankles?
Emelianenko.
Mil--
Screw it.
We're gonna call you
Russian Dude, okay?
Is that cool?
- Da.
Come meet the crew,
Russian Dude.
Hello, you must be--
Hashbrown, man.
Nice to meet you, Ganja.
Actually, it is Gan-ya.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Okay.
Hi, bonjour.
Which one of you
is Laurent?
Oh, no, I'm Sophie.
Oui, oui, Laurent.
Yes, Laurent.
Is she on the bus still?
No, no, I am--
me, I am Laurent.
You're--
Um, I think we're having
a miscommunication actually.
You see, you're a guy,
and my foreign exchange student
this hot blond
from France named
Laurent.
And plays soccer
and has a girlfriend.
Fuck.
You're the guy in the picture,
huh, not the girl?
Well, you are Dave, eh?
That's me.
[chuckles]
Besides yourself, Dave,
do you know where I can find
some American virgins?
Uh, no, no, I don't.
That's okay.
I will find them.
(Jay)
So, Anita,
why did you come
to America?
I come to study.
In Brazil, there is only so much
you can learn about America.
But to really learn
the economics,
the psychology, the politics,
you must live in the country.
Well, I will teach you
everything you need to know.
(Dave)
Hey, Mom.
Oh, honey,
they're here.
Hello,
my name is Laurent.
It is truly an honor
to meet you.
Oh--okey dokey.
Uh, boys--
Dave, do you want to show
Laurent to his room?
Yeah, sounds great.
Okay, Laurent,
to the east wing over here,
we have the ballroom.
Down here to the left,
we have an invisible leprechaun.
It's been there for years.
And this guys,
according to the paperwork,
that's my father.
Hello.
Laurent.
Oui, Laurent.
Welcome to America.
- Thank you.
It's nice to have you.
Just stay as long as you like.
Let's not get crazy, pops.
All right, anyway,
so moving on,
down here to the right
is your bedroom.
[mouthing]
I think he's gay.
(Jay)
So what's this thing?
(Anita)
Amorita.
She's the goddess of love.
My culture says,
if you keep her with you
wherever you go,
you will eventually meet
the one you're destined for.
Oh, yeah?
Well, my culture says,
if at first you don't succeed,
try and try
and try again.
I think our cultures
are a little different.
You are what they call a player,
aren't you?
Pero amore.
Have you ever had a girlfriend?
(Jay)
Sure.
I had two just last week.
Will you excuse me?
I'd like to finish unpacking.
Whatever floats it.
But in the states,
a tight skirt works a lot better
than that troll.
Just so you know.
[Dave moaning]
[doorbell rings]
Delish, Mom.
We really hate to eat
and have the runs,
but seriously we really got
to take this show on the road,
little lady.
Now, Dave,
your mother is no lady.
Marv.
(Shantz)
Yo!
You people hear
the damn doorbell, huh?
Oh, Gordon.
Well, I never.
Oh, never say never,
Mrs. L.
I'll lay some pipe around here.
Huh?
[both laughing]
(Dave)
Look, I'm sorry, pops,
but we really got to go.
We don't want to be late
for the party.
Yeah, what's going on
at this party, Dave?
(Dave)
Just some harmless fun.
You know, a bunch of friends
getting together
to play some games,
like donkey punch.
Donkey punch?
Like pin the tail?
Yeah, yeah,
something like that.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, and we also play
this one called
the rusty trombone.
It's great.
Yeah, I'll teach you sometime.
Okay.
Definitely, definitely.
(Dave)
It's great.
What was the one
we played last week
with that--
oh, Dirty Sanchez.
It takes a while to learn,
but it's great.
(Marvin)
Boys, boys,
have you ever played
the Pittsburgh Platter Frenchman?
Huh?
Or how about
the Filching Frenchman?
[laughing]
(Shantz)
Ooh, Marv.
Educated man
your pops here.
[laughing]
Ooh la la.
All right,
we got to go.
Hashbrown's in the car.
Adios, Marv.
Be good, all right.
Uh, Dave, listen.
A nice clean coat of paint
doesn't necessarily mean
the car is new.
You know
what I'm saying?
(Shantz)
Yo, yo, yo!
Hey, nice getup,
douche bag.
Is it Gay Jay Day?
Yes, sir.
Hey, you got anything
that can play this?
Absolutely.
- Uh-uh.
Come on.
Hey, Jiminy Cricket,
how's it going?
Okay, all right.
Whoo! What's going on?
Up top
who's gay.
You? Got you.
That's what I thought.
Hey, you hear about
that volcano?
[bottles clink]
That's what
I'm talking about.
I'm sorry about that.
Hey, what's up?
Dude, wanted out back.
Why don't you guys go ahead,
and we'll meet up with you
in a little bit.
Hey, want to meet
a friend of mine?
Ooh, is she
a girlfriend, yeah?
Uh, more of just
a normal friend.
Ah, a normal friend.
Perhaps your normal friend
is up for some screwing, eh?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
You know, Dave,
the screw.
No, no, no, I got--
I got what you were saying,
but listen,
Robin's not like that, okay?
She's a good girl.
She's not like these hos.
If you miss this next shot,
you have to drink
that entire pitcher of beer.
(all)
Ooh!
Oh, you want to up the ante.
Yeah,
we'll take that challenge.
But if I make this next shot,
the next thing you girls lose
is your shirts.
(all)
Whoo!
Okay, Jay.
But haven't you already
seen mine before?
And mine?
(Jay)
Yes.
Hey, I'm just giving the people
what they want.
[cheering]
Well, come on.
- Do it.
[all chanting]
Tits! Tits! Tits!
Show us the hand warmers.
I have toilet!
I have toilet!
Oh, good morning,
American girls.
Hey, listen,
don't be a French asshole, okay?
Me? Never, Dave.
Hey.
How are you?
- Good.
Um, sorry.
Laurent, this is Robin.
Robin, this is
my exchange student, Laurent.
Hi.
Thank you.
He's from France.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
You have nice friends,
Dave.
Thank you.
[distant reggae music playing]
And that's how you get
free cable for life.
Hashbrown,
I'm not feeling anything.
Dude, you never get high
the first time.
Take it from the Dalai Lama
of marijuana, pal.
[laughter]
Third time's the charm.
Have some more, man.
Really?
(man)
It's true, man.
It took me four times, man,
and when I finally got high--
let's just put it this way.
Do not ever have
your passport on you.
[laughter]
All right, Ganja, here's
a new American word for you:
Munchies.
Munchies.
Munchies.
Munchies.
I am gonna introduce you girlies
to the Loch Ness Monster.
Have you ever heard of
the Loch Ness Monster, huh?
Shantz, where's Dave?
I can tell you
where he's not.
He's not with two chicks
right now,
but I am.
Get the hell out of my way, ho.
Damn it.
Now, how do you say
menage a trois
in your France language?
(Robin) I will never look
at the Eiffel Tower
the same way again.
I know.
That's why they built it.
(Robin) You know, my parents
once took me to Paris.
Where did you say
you were from?
(Laurent)
Paris.
I love Paris.
There are great clubs there
where I go to hit on
sexy American women.
I went--
I visited Paris, Texas,
one time to visit
some relatives, yeah.
My uncle has a club foot.
It's not very sexy at all.
[laughs nervously]
Oh, Laurent, you are
so much more of a man than Dave.
Dave is such a pussy.
Toss my salad.
I would dip the sauce
all day.
(Mia)
Hi, Dave.
I've been looking
all over for you.
I'm so glad that you're here.
This is the coolest party,
and all the people are so cool.
Well, not everyone because some
of the people are really stupid.
But not you; you're cool.
But you know that,
and I know that.
This--oh, this one guy
in the back was throwing up.
(Dave)
Mia,
Why do you talk so much?
Well, Dave, I guess I was trying
to make conversation, you know?
Conversing conversationally
about conversational things
like your converse.
I like your shoes.
I'll be right back.
Robin?
Toilet!
It means, well,
the way to the soul
is through the eyes.
The mouth is the way
to the heart.
That's so interesting.
I suck at French.
I thought you said
something about "tie me up."
It was beautiful.
Come here, chicas.
Don't be shy;
I won't bite.
[growls]
Ooh, owie, owie,
my knee is killing me.
Would you mind just giving it
a rub, Sophie,
a little massage?
Massage on my way
to the Loch Ness Monster.
It's gonna get you.
Ooh, smells like home,
doesn't it?
What do you mean?
France, it's smell--
screw it.
Anyways, you girls
want to get crazy or what?
Oui, oui.
Oh, there's nothing wee
about it, baby.
I love France.
My pants,
get 'em off.
Toilet, toilet.
Are you kidding me?
[Emelianenko moaning]
No, no, no,
wait, wait, wait,
stop, stop, stop, stop!
I can't understand
a damn thing you're saying, bro!
France, wait!
Wait! Wait!
I shit my pants.
Oh, you spill on yourself,
but...
Hey, why don't we go
take a walk?
Oh, okay.
Okay?
I'm just gonna get
my purse.
Of course.
We're back
from our recon mission.
Well done, guys.
Stoner giggle.
[mock giggles]
[giggles]
[man screaming]
[wild laughter]
Jess, do you have
my purse?
No, sorry,
I don't.
Dave, you have my purse.
Oh, yeah.
You're such a lifesaver.
So you and Laurent
seem to be hitting it off
pretty well.
Yeah, he's so cool.
I'm really happy
he's living with you.
Yeah, no,
he's super awesome.
Yeah, he's cool;
his accent's cute.
I don't think he knows
what he's saying half the time.
We're going
on a walk actually.
Okay.
Laurent?
Well, he really seems
to be enjoying America.
Yeah.
Would you like me
to walk you home?
Yeah?
- Yeah.
All right.
I love France!
I love it!
I love France!
Have you seen
the naked guy?
My grandma lives
next door.
Yeah, I saw that bastard
banging her.
[laughing]
Hey, who's ready
for the Shantz sandwich, huh?
[shouting]
And I'll be
the Jay-onaise.
(Shantz)
Yeah, Jay, come on.
[shouting]
Up top, baby!
Up top!
Yes!
(Robin) This year is just flying by,
you know?
I know.
You're right.
Now we got the dance
coming up here soon,
and then, what,
graduation right after that.
Look, I know it's coming up
really soon and everything,
but who are you going
to the dance with?
Nobody.
Cool.
Hey, look.
Remember that?
We spent hours
on that dumb thing.
It wasn't dumb, Dave.
It was fun.
That's where we met.
Yup.
All right, come on.
For old time's sake.
I don't know.
You know,
it's no Eiffel Tower.
Don't be a dick.
I know.
What was I thinking?
Well, he's French.
You know, he's cute,
plays soccer.
You sound like
a perfect match.
[laughing]
Shut up.
(Hashbrown) If we want to be moving
monetarily towards a surplus,
it's not a question of morals.
It's a question
of what's fiscal favorable.
The U.S. Government can't afford
to not tax marijuana.
(man)
Salty...
or sweet.
I got it.
Both.
Chocolate-covered jerky.
What is jerky?
That's beef, man.
Don't waste it.
I mean, there's still
good jerky on there, man.
So have you put
any more thought
into going to "O" State
with us?
It's gonna be
a lot of fun.
I know.
Colorado, the skiing
and the hiking.
And they have a really good
veterinary school there too.
Yeah, yeah,
I guess.
I'll miss you.
I mean, you know,
we'll all miss you,
like, as friends
and stuff.
Of course.
- Yeah.
I'll miss you guys too.
Yeah, definitely.
Here we are.
Yeah, here we are.
So...
Good night?
Well, good night.
Yeah.
Yeah, good night.
Okay.
Tell your mom
I say hello.
Yeah.
Why am I so fucking bad at this?
God.
So, Jay--
(Jay)
I told you you'd come.
Jay.
See you later.
See you later.
Don't judge me.
Yo, why does this happen
every time we party?
Oh, I'm sorry, bro.
I thought you were
my girlfriend.
You don't even have
a girlfriend.
You know
what I mean.
No, I don't know
what you mean.
Relax, Jackson.
It's just a little morning wood.
(man) # it's like I don't know
who you are #
# everyone changes
now you've gone a bit too far #
# it just goes on and on,
and I just can't hold on #
# this sounds like
my new favorite song #
# but it's blowing up my radio #
# when I try to tune you out
but there's no doubt #
# you're gonna be stuck
inside my head #
# all over again #
# #
# I'm sick
of everything I hear #
# wish I could close my eyes
and you just disappear #
(woman over P.A.) Remember, spring
fling is in two weeks.
So find your dates now.
Robin, I haven't seen you
for a while.
You see me every day,
Laurent.
Yeah, every day.
Oh, well, I haven't
talked to you for a while.
How have you been?
I'm fine.
Yeah, she's fine.
Okay, so I've been thinking
about this a lot lately,
and I thought perhaps
we should get together?
Why?
Yeah, why?
I don't know.
Maybe pick up
where we left off?
Ew.
Okay, look, Laurent,
I thought you were a cool guy.
And now I know
you're not cool.
You're insecure.
And I found out
what attache vous really means.
[laughs]
Thank you for the offer.
Yeah, thanks
for the offer.
Bye-bye.
Dave, you look great today.
Yeah, Dave,
really hot.
And not French at all.
Thanks, girls.
This is great.
Seriously, you smell
really, really good.
Let's get out of here.
(Shantz) I say,
"ah, skeet, skeet, skeet!"
What is skeet?
Oh, it's--
Shantz!
I hear you're doing well
in your classes lately.
Yeah, of course.
Been using the old noggin.
Well, keep up
the good work.
Will do.
Mm.
That's a scary woman.
I bet she's crazy
in bed though.
Hoo.
If she were
a few years younger,
I would take it upon myself
to tame that wild beast.
You see, Jay,
that is your problem.
You look at a woman
as if she is a challenge
to conquer,
like climbing a mountain
or winning a stupid game.
It is too bad
that such good looks and charm
are wasted on such a pig.
Damn, that is
one fiery Mexican.
She's Brazilian, bro.
Whatever.
Wait, wait,
hold on.
That was just a game, okay?
I was--
I was kidding.
It's like I can't
control myself, you know?
I'd like to,
but I just can't.
No, you can.
You just don't.
(Laurent)
Hey, Dave--
Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave,
why haven't you
screwed Robin yet, eh?
She was all over you yesterday.
I don't know, Laurent.
I just--
we have
this great friendship.
[laughs]
That's your problem, Dave.
A girl doesn't want
to screw a friend.
If you want to score,
you got to know the game, man.
What do you mean,
"the game"?
[sighs]
Robin wants a guy who is smooth.
She wants a man
who knows what he wants
and who knows
how to be strong, eh?
She doesn't want a friend
who she can talk to.
Look at this sentimental shit.
Where you get
all this crap?
Why don't you just lay off,
all right?
Just tell me
what I should do.
Okay.
Well, you have testicle hairy,
eh?
Are you hitting on me?
[laughs]
You wish, Dave.
Look, if you're asking me
if I'm a man, Laurent,
Poster child.
I mean, you Americans
are so gross and hairy
like a bush baby.
A girl likes a man
who's smooth.
You could start
by shaving your balls.
What?
Dave, trust me.
Do the girls not like me?
Damn it.
Okay, Laurent, what--
how do I--
First you will take a scissors,
cut off all the hair.
Then you take razor,
shave it bald,
spritz cologne.
[claps]
You are a man.
All Frenchmen know this, Dave.
I don't care
if all Frenchmen know it,
but isn't that
gonna itch like hell?
What do you think
Gold Bond Powder is for?
[with heavy accent]
Gold Bond Powder.
What?
Gold Bond Powder.
Oh.
[together]
Gold Bond Powder.
(Laurent)
Oui.
What do you think it's for,
Gold Bond Powder?
[funky music]
# #
[razor buzzing]
Agh!
[razor scraping]
Ow! Fuck.
Oh!
Holy shit!
(Shantz) If you were smarter than me,
you wouldn't do what I say.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't know
what you're saying.
Hey, Shantz.
Long time no see.
What's going on, ladies?
Kind of starting to look
like a regular
National League meeting
over here.
National League.
I think you mean
United Nations, cock breath.
Blow me, Jay.
Yeah, maybe you don't know
what we're talking about,
but I bet Osama over here knows.
Why don't you shut the hell up
before something bad
happens to you.
Relax, man.
I'm just messing
with the little towel head.
Yeah, well, leave him alone.
And, Jackson,
do me a favor.
Football season ended
five months ago.
Take off the damn jersey.
Fine.
Dude, you're looking good.
You been hitting
the gym more?
Are these guys
your friends?
Look, you got to give him
a break.
His brother's
over in Iraq right now.
I am from India.
What is his fucking problem?
You know what,
I'm gonna go knock some sense
into them.
See you guys later.
Bring me back a tooth.
- Will do.
I don't want to be
a downer or anything.
I mean, I really like America,
but sometimes
it's not so easy here.
Yeah, we understand that,
man.
I mean, we live here,
you know?
It's hard.
You know, we should just
get the hell out of here.
Yes, let's cut fifth period
and go get high.
I was actually talking about
this weekend.
We should do something--
You know, just get out of here
for the weekend.
We can go camping.
(Jay)
I'm down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you guys want to go,
meet at my house Friday night;
we'll leave from there.
(Shantz)
Hey, butt buddies.
What the hell's wrong
with you guys, huh?
He ain't nothing
to you.
Oh, gentlemen.
(Lonnatini)
Look, it's little Shantz.
And what position
do you play?
Uh, tailback, why?
You think you can be
a quarterback next year?
Our starter is the top returning
quarterback in the country.
That's fine, Hunter,
but our starting QB
is graduating.
So we could use
a talent like Shantz.
(Lonnatini)
And since there's
no possible way that Shantz
is making these test grades
on his own,
I figure you can start for us
next year
when you repeat senior year.
(man)
Yeah, man.
Hut, hut, hut!
Ha, ha, ha,
good one, janitor.
Remember,
when it howls at the moon,
it's a wolf.
And when it howls at the sun,
it's a cock.
So, how's your bones?
A little itchy,
and a little painful,
but you know what?
For the most part,
I'm feeling pretty good.
You know, I think I'm about
to go ask Robin right now
to go camping with us.
No, you're not.
Why not?
Dave, you must wait
till she asks you, eh?
Ah, cool,
all right, all right.
Oh, here comes Mia.
Got to go.
Hey, Mia.
Aren't you excited?
Excited about what?
For the camping trip
this weekend.
What camping trip?
Oh, Dave did not tell you yet,
did he?
We're all going camping
this weekend.
Sounds like fun.
Yeah.
You know, Dave
really wants you to go.
He's just afraid
to ask you.
Really?
Yes, really.
You should come.
I have to go now,
but I will see you this weekend,
okay?
Okay.
Friday, after school,
Dave's house.
Bye.
Yes.
Hey.
You seem awful happy.
What can I say?
Everything's clean.
Okay.
So word is, you're going
to the lake this weekend.
Yeah.
When were you
gonna invite me?
Oh, I just didn't think
you and mother nature got along.
What's that supposed to mean?
Is that, like, a period joke?
No, it's not a period--
no.
Anyway, look, I was gonna
invite you.
I just--
It's okay, Dave.
Laurent already invited me.
What do you mean
Laurent already invited you?
Yeah, he's been really nice
lately; I don't know.
He said he wanted me
to be there.
Unless you don't want me to go.
No, no, of course--
of course I--
(teacher)
Shh!
[whispering]
Of course I want...
This painting
is from early in her career
and is the piece
that really launched her career.
So if you look closely,
you'll see
the wonderful textures
and brush strokes.
You can almost feel
the artist's passion
and urgency
with which she painted
this masterpiece.
So let's move on.
Didn't I see this in
Ass Pirates II:
Curse of the Pearl Necklace?
This the most gorgeous example
of true art
that I have ever seen.
There is fire.
There is beauty.
There is passion.
So you can go
get out of here.
Oh, really?
Because to me, it looks like
my bedroom most weekends.
Women.
You are a fool.
It's my favorite painting
in the museum.
It's just so, so--
so righteous.
Isn't it?
Very fearless,
very honest.
Did you know that the painter
was born in 1945
and died in 1975?
(Anita)
I know.
Such a short life
but such an amazing body
of work.
Did you know that she was
a very accomplished
guitar player as well.
Really?
No, I did not know that.
[laughs]
I play guitar.
That is wonderful.
Wow, yeah,
and did you know--
and did you know
that she's 17 years old
and in high school?
Did you know that?
No, I didn't.
First off,
my age is not an issue.
Second, who I talk to
is none of your business.
I'm just trying to protect you
from this cock mongrel.
Cock mongrel.
Wow, good one.
You are the one
who is being a cock,
whatever it is, Jay.
Now leave me alone, please.
Whatever.
He's an idiot.
Laurent,
why'd you ask Robin
to the river?
Because she needs
a good fucking.
What?
What?
- Um...
For you, Dave.
I ask because this way,
Robin will go to the river,
but you can play it cool,
you know?
Hmm, play it cool.
Okay, yeah, yeah,
I like that.
Good job.
Thank you so much, man.
I appreciate it.
I've just been stressing out
about it.
Dude, oh, shit.
Be right back.
Hi, Dave.
Mia, what are you doing here?
Going camping, silly.
What does it look like?
Nice job, son.
[groans]
Those Japanese
get good mileage.
You know, your mom and I
used to fit
two of us in there, buddy.
Dad, please.
Listen, choosing a girlfriend,
son,
Is a little like
buying a used car.
If the oil doesn't smell right,
there's probably something wrong
with the vehicle.
[funky rock music]
# #
[indistinct speech]
Pizza parlor.
[all speaking at once]
Robin, will you go with me
to the bathroom?
Yeah, of course.
Anita, do you want to come?
We'll show you
how we rough it in America?
Oh, have you seen pictures
of my hometown?
This place is like a major city
where I come from.
Come on.
(Dave)
Thank you.
(Shantz)
You got to man up, soldier.
You know, Robin isn't gonna
come over
and blow you
in front of all of us.
I don't need to hear this
from you guys
every five seconds;
I know, I know, I know.
Look, I got her here.
You know, I got
the perfect opportunity.
I just--
I don't know what to say.
Mm, well, I would say
in the signature
Shantz supersexy whisper,
"let me sneak it in, baby."
It works almost every time.
Why am I not surprised?
(Shantz) Hey, that's just my skeezy,
all right?
You know, Jay over here
might be the better man
to ask about this.
You got that right.
I am a vaginologist.
So hey, feel free
to ask me anything.
Okay, vaginologist,
with Robin, how do I--
All right, Dave,
I'm gonna let you in
on the secret to getting laid.
All girls are insecure.
Wait, that's your secret?
That alone isn't the secret.
It's how you use
that vital information.
(Dave)
What do you do if you just,
I don't know,
really like a girl?
Well...
I don't know, Dave.
I mean, that stuff
will get you laid for sure,
but I don't know, bro.
I've never really
liked a girl before,
so I couldn't tell you.
Oh, right, right, right.
So you're telling me
you know all this shit
about girls,
but you can't see
dead in front of you?
Come on, dude.
And I can't take
your advice.
I mean,
how am I supposed--
(Hashbrown)
Hey, try this, man.
Just tell her.
Tell her how you feel.
(Jay)
Yeah, that sounds cool.
Try that.
You know what?
I think I might just give that
a shot.
Dave, you pussy.
Hey, Russian Dude...
Good morning.
Look, grab the ammo.
Hey, nice English.
Listen, I just spotted
fresh feces
about 60 paces inward.
I got 'em on the run,
buddy.
You're my eyes today,
soldier.
Hey, look!
Eyes.
Let's go.
Hey, come on, let's go!
(Jay)
I wanted to apologize
about the thing
with the museum guy.
I thought he was a jerk,
and I was just trying
to be a good guy.
It's okay, Jay.
I know you're just trying
to help.
But you should give him
a chance.
Give him a chance?
He's going to take me
to the dance next week.
So don't be
a cock mongrel.
[laughing]
[gun fires]
(Shantz)
Whoo-hoo, hoo!
(Emelianenko)
Dasvidanya!
Bird down.
We got a bird down.
Holy shit, Russian Dude,
that was awesome.
Hey, how'd you do that?
Bird, morning, yes,
fly, bang-bang.
Fuckin' a bang-bang!
Whoo!
(man)
You two.
Put the weapon down
and step away
from the carcass.
Hello, Mr. Forest Ranger man.
Can I help you?
License and registration,
please.
What's this, a-hole?
This is your driver's license.
You didn't
run the damn thing over.
I need to see
your hunting license.
Uhh.
We--we don't have one.
I didn't think so.
You boys are in
some very serious trouble.
I want you
to hug that tree.
Embrace the timber.
Gordon--
It's Shantz, man.
It's Shantz.
Shut up.
Gordon Lally.
Where do I know
that name from?
You're not Todd's kid,
are you?
Uh, yeah, that's--
that's my dad.
Well, hell, I didn't recognize
you without diapers on, buddy.
You know, I've got a warm spot
in my heart for you.
You see, my wife and I
used to swing with your parents.
I had my first
man-on-man meat munch
with your father,
although he did
most of the munching,
if you know what I mean.
Wait, huh?
Under the circumstances,
I think I'm gonna
let you boys slide.
You don't know how many times
your dad took the dump truck
for me.
Talk about a wingman.
Good times.
Good times.
Okay, thanks a lot, man.
Oh, and tell your dad
Long Larry says hey.
(Jay)
Hey, Shantz.
Hmm?
How was the hunting
for beaver?
Oh, it was good.
But you know,
I couldn't catch any beaver
as good as your mom's was
last night.
(Jay)
Oh! Boom!
I know what you're saying, dude.
I'd still be pounding
your mama's beaver
if it wasn't for her
catching chlamydia.
Oh! Yeah?
Well, that's why I only
bang your mom in the ass.
(Jay)
Oh!
Burn.
You know, I got
a little nervous though
when you got anal warts from
Russian Dude's mom over there.
Ooh!
Tronovsky's mama
is angel.
Whoa, whoa,
calm down, Russian Dude.
Calm down.
It's cool.
Hey, he didn't mean
anything by it, all right?
That's just how we talk
in America, you know?
My mom left me when I was, like,
two years old,
so who gives a shit, right?
It's just meant to be funny.
"Ha, ha, ha," funny?
All right, just look, watch.
Jay,
Your mama's so fat...
Oh, yeah?
How fat is she?
She's so fat, she uses
a submarine as a vibrator.
(all)
Oh!
[laughs]
Ganja, why don't you try one?
Okay.
Your mother is bad at math.
(Jay)
Not quite, Ganja,
but you know what,
you're on the right track.
(Hashbrown)
Gentlemen
and lady, Ganj and I
have a first-class ticket
to Bluntsville.
So if anyone
would like to join us,
we'll be over there.
Your mother eats cow testicles?
[Laurent laughing]
Not bad, Ganja,
not bad.
Well done.
Bonsoir!
(all)
The Frenchman!
Ten bucks says
that Jay's next mama joke
is the one
about the elephant trunks.
The--oh, the--
he loves that one, the...
[imitates elephant trumpet]
Oh!
- Oh, Jesus.
You--
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, yeah, by the way,
is it just me
or is it
completely obvious with--
Oh, obvious.
You know, I think--
I think Jay really likes Anita.
He just doesn't know
how to tell her.
Yeah, and I think
she likes him too.
I think she's just waiting
for him to make a move.
[sighs]
Yeah, well, you know Jay.
He can--
he can be such a--
Pussy.
Pussy, exactly.
Uh, listen, Robin,
the reason I brought you
out here actually...
Pussy?
Uh, no--
no, not about pussy.
Uh, just about--
I've been thinking about
a lot of stuff lately and--
Okay, Dave.
Uh, yeah, and--
you know, it's just--
I've been wanting
to tell you something
for a really long time now.
Dave, are you okay?
Yeah, no, I'm fine.
It's just the jeans.
They're new,
and you know.
Are you sure you're okay?
Yeah, no, I'm fine.
Um, actually, do you mind
just waiting right--
just, like, right here?
I'll be right back.
I think I hear Laurent
calling me.
Yeah, I'll be right back.
Laurent, I'm coming, buddy.
Your mom's tits are so saggy,
it's like she is an elephant
with two trunks.
[imitating elephant trumpet]
Oh, yeah, well,
your mom is so ugly,
Laurent wouldn't even bang her
in the face.
Wait, I mean,
don't bring me into this, okay?
[speaking French]
Ahh.
Now, Russian Dude,
tell me, "your mama."
My mama.
What is it, Dave?
My balls.
My balls,
they itch like crazy, okay?
Do you know where
the Gold Bond Powder is at?
I thought you bring this.
Yeah, I did,
but I can't find it,
all right?
Here. Perfect.
Laurent, this--
this is peanut butter.
Oui, oui,
penis butter.
It is an old French remedy,
huh?
Trust me.
It will kill the itch.
So what do I do,
I just put it--
Yeah, you just--
Yeah, you rub on
the balls.
What do you think?
Put on the balls, ya?
Mon freir, okay.
Go, go.
So, Mia Ho, have you made
your move on Dave yet?
I'm kind of trying to play
hard to get with him.
No, Mia, you can't
play hard to get with Dave.
You have to grab that bull
by his horn, eh?
You think so?
Oui, of course.
Look, when he comes out
of there,
you go to that bull,
you grab his horn,
and you tug this horn,
eh?
Oh, thanks, Laurent.
You're a really good friend.
No problem, Mia Ho.
There is a very romantic spot
just this way
overlooking the river.
Oh, awesome.
Yes, very nice.
Hi, Dave.
[laughs]
I will leave you two alone
for a moment.
Hey, let's go
take a walk.
Actually, Laurent and I,
we were just about--oh.
No, thanks, Ganja.
That's the devil's juice.
That alcohol stuff
will mess up your brain, man.
Yeah,
I guess you're right.
Robin, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Why?
Oh, I just can't believe Dave
would leave you
out here all alone.
He said
he was coming right back.
Mm.
So there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.
Laurent told me
how you feel.
Laurent--
wait, Laurent what?
You know,
Dave is my friend and all,
but sometimes
he says things which--
oh, never mind.
Now, what is it, Laurent?
Sometimes Dave says things
about women
which I find
so objectifying, eh?
Dave?
[laughs]
Laurent, you're crazy.
Dave's the sweetest guy
that I know.
Well, perhaps you don't know him
too well, eh?
Wait, what did he say?
How you wanted to get me
out here all alone
and how you were too shy to.
Um, listen, Mia--
Dave?
No--Robin! Robin! Robin!
Don't leave me, Dave!
Not like this.
Robin.
Robin, please.
Hey, please, stop.
Listen, I'm sorry okay?
I just--
No, you have nothing
to be sorry about, Dave.
Just go have fun
with Mia Ho--
or your ho
or whose ever ho she is.
Just don't ask me to wait
in the woods for you, okay?
I understand that,
but you got to understand;
listen, she pulled me
into the woods, okay?
And she--
That's just bad form,
Dave.
Come, Robin,
for a walk.
We were still talking.
Oh, hey, son.
Hi, Dad.
Wait, wait, wait.
Come here.
So...
Tell me about it.
Did you
Get a car?
I don't drive.
You know, a car
with a working engine?
You know?
[growls]
No, you know, a car.
A car
that you could have sex with?
Oh, um, about that, Dad,
I want a new car.
You know,
I don't want a used one.
And to be honest with you,
it seems like all the new ones
are not for sale.
Wait, what do you mean,
is it--
Here you go, bro.
What's up, Marv?
Hey.
- Oh!
I got to tell you,
my friend,
I think I mastered
the Pittsburgh Platter.
Boom!
- Oh!
Master it.
That's right.
You better believe it.
Tell me about it.
We're gonna save that
one for later, not now.
Dad.
Okay.
- Later, Marv.
Later, all right?
I want to hear
all about it.
Yeah, you will.
No, just go. Just go.
Hey, did you get peanut butter
in my sleeping bag?
(woman on P.A.) Will the following
students please report
to Miss Lonnatini's office
immediately:
Dave Llennart,
Jay Noble,
Hashime Brown,
and Gordon Lally.
That is all.
Yo.
(Lonnatini)
Gordon, Gordon, Gordon.
Got you a gift.
I got for you because you've
really hit
a grand slam.
You've really kicked it
through the uprights
this semester.
[laughs]
Thanks, I've been working
really hard.
[laughs]
You can tell.
Your Spanish this year
has just been unfaltering.
It's been so good
I guess I would have to say...
[speaking Spanish]
[laughing]
Oui, oui.
Yeah.
And I think what's blown me away
most this semester though
is that paper that you wrote
for your economics class.
Legalization
and Globalization:
A Necessity
for the American Economy.
Wow, that is really something.
Good job, Shantz,
Unbelievable.
I remember this one.
Oh, do you?
"Shantz."
You are a lying, cheating
little bitch.
And you got your little bastard
flying monkey friends
to help you cheat.
And lucky for you,
I can't prove that.
But what I can do is,
I can base your grades
solely on your finals.
Yeah,
oh, you look worried.
I wouldn't worry about cheating,
because I made up a new test
especially just for you.
That's right.
So have fun
at the dance tonight.
[driving rock music]
# #
Hell yeah.
Nice.
No, I think
this looks great.
(man) # it's a daydream
dipped in benzine #
# it's a medicated frenzy #
Robin?
Yeah, it's kind of
a little gift for her.
(Jay)
Time to get ready, brother.
[snaps]
Okay, one, two, three.
[camera snaps]
So where's Robin?
I don't know, man.
Where's Anita?
What do you mean?
I'm just wondering.
I don't know.
Probably with some guy,
some museum guy.
I don't know.
I don't care.
You know?
I don't care.
Whatever you say, man.
If you don't care,
I don't care.
Right on.
Right on.
Don't care.
[hip-hop music booming]
# #
And the messed up thing
about it, man,
is I really like hamburgers.
I really like hamburgers.
Dude, did you guys know
that we bombed Japan twice?
God, that's really messed up,
man.
Just wait till you get
to chapter nine, man.
We do some shit
in the '60s.
(man)
# let's take a ride in my car #
# hey, shorty, how's it feel
to ride with a star? #
# if you want to ride,
let's roll #
# you know I got time
so hop inside #
# let's go cruisin'#
# let's take a ride in my car #
Hi, Ganja.
Hi.
Where did you learn
to do that?
I watch a lot of B.E.T.
Oh.
Do you--
do you want to dance?
[giggles]
Okay.
Hey.
Do you think
we could talk for a second?
Yeah.
I get it,
you and Mia.
She has a great rack.
I get it,
so don't worry.
What? Me and Mia?
Mm-hmm.
Robin, it's--
- What?
Robin, I don't like Mia.
When we went camping,
she was attacking me
in the woods.
She attacked you?
Yes, that's--
listen, I don't feel
like you believe me.
And I'm not so great
at explaining how I feel,
so do you mind just listening
to a song that I brought?
I think
it explains everything.
Yeah.
Yo.
[sensitive guitar music playing]
# #
# ice cold bitches
here comes the heat wave #
# only eat pussy
that rock the clean shave #
What are you trying to say,
Dave?
Yo, bro,
this isn't the song--
You know what, Dave,
it's okay.
I don't need to be objectified
by you.
Robin.
Dave, why you keep screwing up
with Robin?
You do this on purpose, eh?
No, man, this fucking guy
back here.
It's the wrong song.
She looks upset.
I will go help her.
Hey, bro,
that was the wrong song.
Are you okay?
(Dave) I want you to play
the right song.
It's the gold one.
It says, like, "I heart Robin"
or "I love"--
All right, man,
all right.
It's--
- all right.
Oh, you put it--
yeah, you already put it
On your computer;
I know you did.
[sensitive guitar music playing]
Thank you so--
You know, man,
never mind, never mind.
I...
I want you to know,
I respect our friendship
and consider us to be,
how you say, best buds.
Thanks, Laurent.
I could really use a friend
right now.
What are you doing?
What?
You just finished telling me
what good friends we are.
Oui, sure we're friends,
friends who fuck is all.
Bitch.
(man) # every dance on the floor
is a quick glance #
# now stop, stand still,
drink a pole #
# and freeze, froze,
freeze-frame #
# he's a pro
she's for sho' #
# but he's lame #
# it's like we do best #
# coming all the way
from the U.S. To japan #
# overseas, I oversee
who knows is me #
# this is the man #
[sniffling]
Anita, I--
I haven't seen you all night.
Hey, what's wrong?
Museum guy?
You want me to get Shantz
to kick his ass?
[laughs]
Shut up, Jay.
You know, I'm glad
he's not here,
because if he were,
then you would be with him
and not with me.
You want to go home?
Yeah.
That would be really nice.
Dave, have you seen
my red shirt?
No. Hey, put out
that cigarette, okay?
We're not France.
My mom'll kill you.
Are you okay, Dave?
You're not still mad about me,
are you, Dave?
I don't want
to talk about it.
Dave, let me go
smooth things over with Robin.
She did not understand
what I was saying
at the dance last night.
I will ride with her
this morning
and explain everything.
Whatever.
See you guys.
(Jay)
See ya.
Do you think Laurent's
banging her?
No, but he's probably fucking
your mama.
(Jay) Yeah, now you're getting it,
Ganja.
(Shantz)
Dave, I'm telling you,
Mia Ho is the way to go.
I mean, come on, think about it.
You got to forget about Robin.
She's going to Colorado,
and we will be banging
all the women.
Am I right?
Yeah, but Robin is...
[provocative guitar music]
# #
I was wrong, Dave.
I want to be objectified
by you.
Objectify us.
Hi, Dave.
Oh, oh, yeah.
(Laurent)
I tried.
She is very much being a bitch.
You look like shit, Dave.
(Dave) Look, guys, I'm gonna have
my mom take me in a little bit.
I got to--
I'm not ready for that quiz.
So see you at school.
Oh.
Guys--
oh, I'm sorry.
I can't find Robin's box.
[laughter]
I know, Dave,
but listen,
what you got to do
is just take it easy.
No, no, not--
Fucking idiot.
Not, not Robin's box.
Oh, the Robin box.
I thought you meant Robin's box.
(Dave)
No.
The--the--
Can you guys come
help me find it please?
I smell french toast.
(Dave) Maybe I got this all wrong.
Maybe he didn't take it.
(Jay) Are you sure you didn't just
misplace it somewhere?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I keep it in my room,
and my searched my room
pretty well this morning.
(Jay)
Maybe your mom took it.
Oh, shit.
She was supposed to clean
my room this morning.
I'm sorry, guys.
Why didn't you
think about that before?
It didn't occur to me.
Fuck.
It's okay.
It's okay, dude.
Just call your mom
and make sure.
And next time, Dave,
think before you freak out.
I will. I'm sorry.
I'm really embarrassed
about this.
I'm sorry.
For a split second there,
I could've sworn--
I could've sworn that--
Oh, dude,
you should probably...
Oh, yeah, sorry.
[gasping]
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
I took it to Robin's house
this morning to embarrass you.
She was not there.
I left it on the porch.
What? You did what?
Are you fucking crazy?
She's gonna think
I'm insane.
What the hell's
the matter with you?
Oh, my god,
he's been sabotaging me
this whole time, haven't you?
Oh, my god.
I brought you
all the way from France.
You come,
and you live in my house,
and you--
you make me shave my balls.
And then you made me
put peanut butter on my balls.
And then you stole
my girl's box.
(Jay)
Dude, wait, wait,
you shaved your balls?
Doesn't that itch?
And you put peanut butter
on your balls?
What the hell's the matter
with you?
(Dave)
He told me it would work.
I was jealous, Dave.
Jealous?
Yes.
You have everything here.
I live with your family,
but they're not my family.
I hang out with your friends,
but they're not my friends.
And Robin--
I couldn't help myself.
She's a virgin, Dave.
And I thought she like me.
But she really likes you, Dave.
You're all she talks about,
Dave this and Dave that.
You're the one
she really loves, Dave.
I am sorry, Dave.
But I promise, I will spend
all my time left in America
trying to make things better.
No, you know what, just don't
do a damn thing, Laurent.
You've done enough.
From now on, it's my way.
I'll see you guys later.
Hm, looks like
our little boy's grown up.
Wow.
Yes.
It would seem the little man--
Hey, shut up, Laurent.
Okay.
Robin, why couldn't we have
just taken the final exam
like everyone else?
The frog is just laying there
like he's gonna--
And the smell is just--
Are we done yet?
Yes, we're done.
And it kind of has a smell
like a cherry tree with manure.
It's not that bad.
Dave?
The fuck is this?
[panting]
Listen, Robin,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Robin, I'm sorry about the box,
okay?
I--I--
it's not what you think.
Really, I mean, I told Laurent
never to touch--
never to touch your box, right?
And then, of course, he does.
You know what,
it's not that I'm psycho really,
because I just--
I made it for you
a long time ago,
And I was--every year,
I planned on, you know,
just giving it to you.
And then I just--
I don't know.
I ended up keeping it
for myself.
Dave, Dave,
slow down.
Listen, Robin,
I know--
I know that I've never been good
at telling you how I feel.
That's pretty obvious.
It's just--
Oh, it doesn't matter.
The thing with Mia and me,
it was just--
Do you ever notice
that when you're around,
something bad
always happens?
Look, I'm sorry about that.
Here.
Please don't.
That was great.
Perfect timing.
You could've puked on Jez,
all right?
She likes that, I heard.
I puked.
I'm Jez.
Listen, Robin,
I know you're mad right now,
and I understand, okay, but...
Look, I have to tell you,
I've been listening
to what everybody else
has been telling me,
and you know,
I tried playing it cool.
I even tried playing
a romantic song,
but that backfired.
I shaved my balls.
I shaved my balls for you,
Robin.
And honestly
I just haven't been listening
to what my heart's been saying.
And the truth is
that I love you.
I love you so much
that I can't explain it,
And I want to be with you so bad
that I'm standing in the hallway
right now covered in vomit,
surrounded by a bunch of people,
professing my love to a door,
and it's really not exactly
now I planned on--
[bell rings]
Forget it.
That's very sweet, Dave,
but you can't afford me.
Clean up your vomit.
(man) # far away from now on
looking back is so hard #
# useless and misled #
No, you hang up.
(man) # broken before
you could start #
# forget about what's innocent #
# and laying beneath
all the stars #
# 'cause I see what's in you #
# I believe you will too #
# it's time to go, time to go
your own way #
# it's time to go, time to go
your own way #
# it's time to go, time to go
find your place #
# forward from what's lost #
# moving past where you are #
The blowout
to end all blowouts.
Yes, sir.
Biga tasko.
Man, we got to find a way
to play this damn tape.
(Dave)
Hey, hey.
What's the news, dude?
Tell me.
I say we need a party.
Come on, there's no test
that Shantz can't ace.
(Jay)
All right, guys.
Party starts at 10:00.
You best be drunk by then.
(man) # maybe I just don't
understand you anymore #
# you won't remember
how I feel today #
# I still remember
every one of the good days #
# but I know it seems
like we're losing time #
[feedback squeals]
(man)
What are you doing?
Yes, and I love you too.
Class of 2008.
[cheers]
After four years of classes,
tests, and studying,
I've come to realize
many, many things.
Number one, school is
bullshit!
(man)
Math is gay!
That's right, buddy.
Math is gay.
But you know what's not gay?
Friendship.
Three cheers to that.
And I've come to learn
that loyalty is the most
important thing.
You can't teach loyalty, man.
You can't teach that.
So whether I've known you
for 18 years...
or just this year,
I want to let you know
that you always have
a place right here
in my heart.
Jay, have my baby!
[cheers]
Go, Lions!
Are you sure
that you don't want to go?
Yes, I'm sure.
I'm not going
to his stupid party.
Screw him.
I really think
you should go.
Come on,
Dave loves you.
You know that,
right?
I wish I had
someone like him.
But until then, I'm just gonna
keep doing what I'm doing best.
How do I look?
You're gonna have a great time.
Are you sure
you don't want to go?
Yes, go.
God, I'm fine.
[cheers]
Me fix movie.
Whoo!
We got vintage porn!
We got vintage porn!
I love you!
I love this guy!
[driving rock music]
# #
Hey, guys.
What's going on, man?
What's up, bro?
Here, have my beer.
(Dave) I'm just glad
to have you guys around.
It's really good to know
that the next four or five years
we'll all be together.
Next stop,
"O" State.
Actually, Dave...
What?
After 12 years of school, man,
I just don't think
I'm ready to go back yet.
And there are some places
outside of America
that I'd like
to see first.
Like Brazil.
That's great, man.
I'm so happy for you guys.
And at least I'll have
these two knuckleheads
with me, right?
M.I.T. offered me
a full ride.
I got to take it.
Wait, are you serious?
Yeah, it's what I want to do.
(Dave)
Cool, man.
Well, since we're on the topic,
Dave....
Sorry, buddy.
I'm just not that smart.
But I don't understand.
I know I said I aced it,
but I just wanted to make sure
we all had a good time tonight.
I get it.
You guys
are totally messing with me.
Don't do that, man.
Come on, let's--
Bro, we're not.
Sorry, man.
I mean, what happened
to friends forever
and all that shit, huh?
It's good to know.
See you guys later.
He took it all right.
How you doing, man?
Remember that time
we got really, really drunk
and took a piss
on that guy's car?
Yes.
I feel like the car.
It's not over, Dave.
I'm gonna come visit you,
bro.
Yeah, I know.
It's just, I don't know, man,
I thought things were supposed
to be different.
This isn't
how the story should end.
Nicely done.
Hi, Robin.
Thank you.
For what?
The pictures,
the letters.
My favorite lotion.
Dave, that's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
I wish you would've told me
how you felt earlier.
Robin, listen,
I've been in love with you
since the fifth grade.
I got you a present.
The sock in the box
was gross.
So I got you these.
Um, thanks?
I mean, they're
a little gay though.
They're for me.
I want to spend
the next four years
making up
for the past seven.
I'd like that.
You know what?
Come with me.
Okay.
(man) # now that you're far enough
behind me #
# I shake it off
and walk away #
# so I can breathe again #
# wake up these feelings
deep inside of me #
# I'm ever so used
to being lost #
# but now #
# I'm up
and I'm never coming down #
# don't think
that I'll ever hit the ground #
# die free
and I'm looking out for me #
# this time around #
# I'm up
and I'm never coming down #
# don't think that I'll ever hit
the ground #
# die free
and I'm looking out for me #
# this time around #
(Shantz)
Hit it, big guy.
Oh, yes!
Bend her over!
Bend her over!
Whoo!
That's what you call
a manage a trois, frenchy.
That's what you call--
Whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.
Shantz, is that your dad?
Oh, my god.
What the hell
is he doing?
[laughing]
It's Long Larry.
(Shantz)
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Just cut it!
Just cut it!
Stop!
Turn it off!
(man) # it's like I don't know
who you are #
# everyone changes #
# now you've gone
a bit too far #
# it just goes on and on
and I just can't hold on #
# this sounds like
my new favorite song #
# when it's blowing up
my radio #
# when I try to tune you out
but there's no doubt #
# you're gonna be stuck
inside my head #
# all over again #
# #
# I'm sick
of everything I hear #
# wish I could close my eyes
and you just disappear #
# 'cause you always have to be
the star #
# but your sparkle fades
until I can't feel you anymore #
# it just goes on and on
and I just can't hold on #
# this sounds like
my new favorite song #
# when it's blowing up
my radio #
# when I try to tune you out
but there's no doubt #
# you're gonna be stuck
inside my head #
# all over again #
[guitar solo]
# #
# I wake up
we make up #
# everything feels
like it should again #
# but everything's all wrong #
# it just goes on and on
and I just can't hold on #
# this sounds like
my new favorite song #
# when it's blowing up
my radio #
# when I try to tune you out
but there's no doubt #
# you're gonna be stuck
inside my head #
# all over again #
# it just goes on and on
and I just can't hold on #
# this sounds like
my new favorite song #
# all over
again #