it's very clear
our love is here to stay
not for a year
but ever and a day
the radio and the telephone
and the movies that we know
may just be passing fancies
and in time may go
but, oh-Oh, my dear
our love is here to stay
together we're
going a long, long way
in time
the rockies may crumble
gibraltar may tumble
they're only made of clay
but our love is here
to stay
it's very clear
our love is here to stay
together we're
goin' a long, long
long, long way
in time
the rockies may crumble
gibraltar may tumble
they're only made of clay
but our love is here
to stay


charge!
It has come eight seconds to go,
one possession.
Marv albert with bill walton from the
america west arena in phoenix, arizona.
I can't hear myself
over the crowd.
If the suns win,
they go to the finals.
If they lose, it means
going back to san antonio.
We got eight seconds. That's plenty of time.
Let's run a straight line.
Majerle, you take the ball out, bring
k.J. Up, get it to him, and get through.
Chuck's gonna be at the top of the key;
kick it back to him.
Chuck, you win the game.Get me the ball.
- No time outs left. Now let's go!
- Suns!
This is what it's all about.
Game-Winning time.
I'm looking for barkley
to step up right here. What a shot!
For those who just tuned in,
david robinson fouled out a moment ago.
For "the admiral," 43 points,get barkley!
Don't foul!
21 rebounds.
All right, here we go.
Dan majerle will inbound
the basketball,
The suns one possession
from elimination.
They're going wild here in phoenix.
Kevin johnson takes it.
Moves to the right side.
Johnson setting it up, looking for barkley.
We're down to six
as barkley angles for the shot.
Barkley to his left!
Barkley checking the clock! Three, two, one...
Barkley with the release!
Yes! It's all over!
Charles barkley has put the
phoenix suns in the nba finals.
The most dramatic victory in the
history of the suns' franchise.
No basket! The shot was after the buzzer!
Game's over!
Are you crazy?No, no!
No, no, no!
- Are you crazy?
- You didn't get it off. You were late!
- He got it off!
- He didn't get it off, dan!
He got it off!Hey, hey!
You're wrong!You did not get it off.
You did not get it off.That is total bullshit.
Hey, watch yourself.That's total bullshit!
You were late.Jack called it good!
Ask for help!
I don't need any help.
You didn't get it off!
Bullshit!
That was total bullshit!Watch your language!
You wanna play next game?
Watch yourself, charles!You suck! You suck!
Watch yourself. That's it.
No basket. Game's over!
I don't want to protect you,
but i have to.
Bullshit! Bullshit!
Bullshit! Bullshit!
The crowd appears to be
voicing its displeasure.
Hey, charles!
Charles!
I'll see you
in san antonio!
- You'll see me! You'll see me kick your ass!
- Ahh!
I sure wouldn't want to be mickey
gordon tonight or any other night...
The rest of my life
here in phoenix.
I hope you die!
- You need help on that?
- No, i saw it. He was late.
Let's get you out of here.This is not my jacket.
Screw your jacket!
Let's just get out of here.
As they lead mickey gordon
off the court,
You can only think,
as long as they play this game of basketball,
They'll be talking about
that controversial call.
For bill walton,
i'm marv albert.
I've been a sportswriter
for 20 years.
I've covered every great event,
and i'm sitting here,
Watching my best friend make the gutsiest
call in the history of basketball.
They ran it on every news show
in america for two days.
Don't sit charles barkley and referee
mickey gordon together at a dinner party.
The sports world is still stunned
by this controversial call.
Gordon remains in seclusion
under police guard.
Bravo, mickey gordon. It's this kind of
leadership and decision-Making we need...
In the white house.
No news, no weather,
no theater reviews.
Just that. Over and over again.
And you know what?
Mickey got it right.
Right there, live. On the spot.
He got it right.
The shot was late.
By a hundredth of a second.Oh, god!
Honey, that's
an amazing story.
If only i liked basketball,
i reallywould have liked it.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Welcome to helen's.
Can i get you something to drink?
We're waiting for other people.
Then we'll order some champagne.We're getting married.
- Fine with me.
- How's the house wine?
It's like me.
Fruity, yet oddly appealing.
Oh, we'll wait.You know, he'll wait.
I'll have a glass of red.
You got it.
I'm a little nervous,
all right?About what?
About meeting
all of your friends.Oh.
About the fact that they're flying to new york
from all over the country to... look at me.
I'm gonna feel
like a show horse.
Hey, they'll love you. You already met
craig and lucy. They were wild for you.
Yeah?
Mickey's the greatest. I can't
wait for you to meet him.
I tell you,
it's unbelievable.
Three months ago,
i am this confirmed single dope.
I'm living in new york, i'm writing for the
paper i used to deliver when i was a kid.
And i get your fax.
One little number off.
And ya-Bing!
We both hit our hearts.I know.
Then i started faxing you
and you started faxing me.
And pretty soon we're just...
faxing each other's brains out.
Oh.Mmm.
House red.
Thanks.
I think it's got to be the strangest way...
For two people to get
together i ever heard of.
Hmm, no.No?
Mickey and ellen
are the current titleholders...
For the strangest getting together,
at least in their weight class.
How did they
get together?
She helped bury his father.
Excuse me?
No, no.
I'm gonna wait for mickey to tell that story.
Oh. Whoa. No way.
What, are you crazy?
You can't start a story,
"she helped bury his father," and then stop.
That's not allowed.
Come on, come on.
All right.
Here we go.
This was a few years ago.
Mickey's father died.Aw.
No, it's good.
Mickey hated him.What?
Everybody did. He abandoned his
family when mickey was a kid.
When he left, the neighborhood
had a street fair to celebrate.
I won a fishing rod.
It was the best time we ever had.
Anyway, he dies...
finally.
And the funeral service is
in the cargo area at j.F.K.
Why?Mickey's old man wants to
be buried in france.
Was he french?No. He was in
the d day invasion.
I think on our side,
but i'm not sure.
His whole platoon, except him,
was wiped out defending a little village.
They were buried there, and he wanted
to go back and be buried with them.
That's sweet.Oh, okay.
So mickey has to go over and accompany
the body and see that it gets buried.
Well, why, if he was
such a bad guy?
Whatever his father had
done to him or his family,
Mickey wanted it to end
with his conscience clear.
That's mickey.
Then there was
this little problem.
You lost my father?
Oui.
We're not talking
about a val-Pac here.
We're talking about a former person
in a bad suit in a big wooden box.
- And all you can say to me is "oui"?
- Oui.
Mickey's going out of his mind,
but he's trying not to go off on anyone.
This is a guy
who argues for a living.
He tells shaquille o'neal
to shut up.
But he doesn't want to
be the ugly american.Can i see your superior?
Please, look, i know that you people
are still angry over eurodisney.
But please don't
take it out on me.
Okay, okay. Whatever you do,
i am not gonna lose my temper.
But finally...
If i was hitler,
you'd give me my father!
You'd give me everything in your whole
goddamned country! Where is my father?
Two days.
Two days?
He was in that
airport two days.
Monsieur gordon, will you
come with me, please? Oui!
But the airline was nice.
They gave him free almonds.
Where does ellen come in?
Now.
Bon. Merci infiniment
pour votre aide.
Je vous en prie. Au revoir.
De rien.
Au revoir.Au revoir.
Bon chance.
Au revoir. Et vous aussi.
Mr. Gordon,
i'm miss andrews.
Would you care to come
into my office?
Veronique,
pas de telephone. Oui, madame.
Merci.
Please, have a seat.
How are you feeling today,
mr. Gordon?
How am i today?
I am a mass of good will.
You're american.Yes.
On behalf of the airline,
i would like to apologize for any problem...
Problem?
There's no problem.
You lost my father; my rear end has
become molded to a plastic chair;
And i've got amazing gas
from eating those almonds.
I've never been happier in my life.
I'm a walking mardi gras.
That's very funny, really. You have a
delightfully sharp way of expressing yourself.
A terrible thing has been done to you,
and we are very sorry.
You have every right
to insult, belittle...
And abuse the staff
who have tried to help you.
In fact, we thank you,
and we voted you "traveler of the month."
So, congratulations.
- Is there anything else you'd like to say?
- No, i think that's it.
Good.
We found your father.
The coffin landed here, but,
evidently, it was mis-Tagged.
See? You should always
tip more at the curb.Oh, definitely.
Then it accidentally
was sent to switzerland.Switzerland?
We had some trouble
dealing with them.They're vicious.
They punched holes in my cheese.
I thought they were neutral.
They insisted on holding your father
in quarantine for health reasons.
He's dead! He has no health.
He's been de-Healthed.
Hey, there he is. Okay?
Let's get out of here.
Oh.
Do you have
the claim checks?Why?
Are there two of these here
that look exactly alike?
My coffin has red yarn
on the handle.
Hey, what are you doing?
We have to make sure
that this is your father.
If it's an angry little guy giving you the
finger, it's him. Don't make me look at him.
I'm sorry, but with all the confusion,
i really need you to identify him.
Then put him on his stomach,
because i'm used to seeing him walk away.
Right.
- Okay?
- Okay.
It's enough.
It'll be fine. Come on.

Waiter? Pardon, monsieur.
Garcon!Ooh, that looks good.
Hi.
Are you alone?Alone? I don't even
have silverware.
Sit down.Thanks.
What exactly is that?
This?
I don't know.
I thought i'd ordered a martini,
but apparently i ordered a backyard.
Are you hungry?
Can i order you the wrong thing?
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm on my way out for the evening.
Yeah, i noticed.
Auto show?
No, actually,
i'm going to the opera.Oh.
Don't leave
until the fat lady sings.
Oh, i never do.
Waiter, please.
This is ri...
Oh, it's a loaner.
I didn't have a jacket.Right. I guessed.
But it's a good look for me, don't you think?
The ellis island collection.
Yeah, it's you.
And i don't even know you.
Anyway, i really have to go,
But i wanted to drop by to tell you
that everything is taken care of.
We'll deliver the casket
to the cemetery.
A car will pick you up at 8:00 and
bring you back to the airport.
For your return flight,
we've upgraded you to first class.
And the ticket is free
both ways.
And that's supposed to make
up for losing my father?
We're also picking up
your hotel bill.Yes!
Well, i'll leave you
in your grief.
Will anybody else be needing
transportation to the cemetery?
No. I will be
the only one there.
Oh, how sad.
Good, 'cause
it's a funeral.
Right.
Okay. Bye-Bye.Bye.
Um, miss andrews?
I just wanted to thank you,
you know,
Not just for the plane and the car,
but for today with my father.
You were really
understanding.
Well, it was the least
i could do.
Well, good-Bye,
mr. Gordon.Bye.
Oh, it's in there somewhere.
There you go.Here.
All right. Bye.
This is my father.
He fought in the war here.
These were his buddies.
Amis.
Well, you're here.
I brought you here
like you wanted.
Thanks for not getting
killed so i could be born.
Okay.
That was very sweet.
What are you doing here?
Nobody should bury
their father alone.
- I'm mickey.
- Ellen.
Do you come here often?
You would've been more
comfortable in the limousine.
No, i'm much more
comfortable here.
So i take it you and your
father weren't very close. No.
He left
when i was ten.
But i'll never forget the
last thing he said to me:
"Get out of my way!"
You can't buy memories like that.
I suppose not.
Anyway, i'll have you to the
airport in an hour and a half.
The drive's a breeze.Oh! See, i would never
say something like that.
Like what?Like "it's a breeze."
I'm real superstitious and that's
like begging for disaster.
Like those old war movies, where after the
battle they're talking about going home,
And there's some guy
named brooklyn...
"When i get back home, i'm gonna see
my dodgers play in ebbets field.
Gonna get me a nice hot dog
and then i'm gonna..."
I mean, it always
happened, right?
If ever i get on a small plane and
there's a storm outside, i never say:
"Piece of cake.
We'll be there in an hour."
Never say famous last words
because they could be.
You're a disturbed person,
aren't you?
You have no idea.
According to mickey, he was really
working hard all the way back to paris.
You know those japanese
science fiction movies?
Big dinosaurs on the streets and those people
run out, they just wait to get stepped on.
They run out...
- Then they just wait.
- He's got the charm turned up to warp factor 7.
And she seems to like him,
but he's not sure.
Well, i just never knew that
about wilt chamberlain.
Well, they say it's true,
but, you know...well, i-I had a great time.
Thank you for everything.
We've gotta stop meeting like this.
Bye.
Au revoir.
Take care of yourself.
Okay.
Have a good flight.
Can i ask you
a question?Sure.
Does this ticket haveto be
for this afternoon?
That was prepared for anytime you want
to use it. Did you want to change it?
Well, i was just thinking,
it's so silly.
I-I've never been to paris,
and maybe i should do some sightseeing.
Sightseeing? In paris?
What a bizarre notion.
W-What do you got here?
What have we got here?Yeah.
You got anything?
We got some stuff.Yeah? Like
what kind of stuff?
Would you like to see
the eiffel tower?That's here?
See?You got
any other stuff?
C'est bon.
He keeps delaying his flight;
he starts buying outfits.
He doesn't wanna leave.
I find it a lot
like new york,
But really,
totally different.
Did you always
wanna be a referee?
No, i started out as a player.
Oh.
What are you looking at?No, i just...
What, that i'm
vertically challenged?
The best place for me
to ref a game...
Is madison square garden
in new york.
Wasn't it a soccer game a few years
back where the referee got killed?
Yeah, see,
i'm against that.Good for you. Take a stand.
Do you ever get back
to the new world?
Every year i visit
my father in wichita.
I bet his name is red and he
caps oil well fires, right?
No, his name is arthur
and he owned a pet store.That was my next guess.
When you dream, do you dream
in french or english?French.
With english
You got kids over here, 2, 3 years old,
and they're already speaking french.
Rodin never said
what he was thinking.
I think he's thinking,
"Goddamn, rodin,
three drinks and i'm nude!"
What can you say?
It was paris.
You got great stuff.
Got it!
Hey, do you know
where we are?
Yeah, we're on the seine
at the pont-Neuf.No, no, no.
This bridge
is in a great movie.
Don't you recognize it?Give me a hint.
it's very clear
Patton.
Patton?Yeah!
it's very clear
our love is here to stay
An american in paris?Gene kelly,
leslie caron.
This is the bridge!
This is very exciting for me!
Well, come on,
sing the rest.
Sing? No, i c...
i can't. No.
With my voice the cops will
come with those sirens...
They'll put me
in singing jail.
it's
very clear
our love is here to stay
not for a year
but forever and a day
in time
the rockies may crumble
gibraltar may tumble now you're going to tell me
you're leaving, right?
they're only made of clay
The season starts monday,
and i have to get back.
but mmm. Mm-Hmm.
our love is here would you like the afternoon
or the evening flight back?
to stay evening. Then we could
spend the day together.
I'll have to work.I'll watch you.
What?Yeah.
This is my place.Oh, yeah?
Oh, it's great.
I had a great time today.
Thanks.I had a wonderful time.
So, good night.Good night.
Would you like
to come upstairs?
in time really?
the rockies may crumble yes.
gibraltar may tumble
No. I'm sorry.
they're only made of clay to tell you the truth, i don't
find you very attractive.
You've got a big, fat,
dumpy ass.
What? He said that?
No, i just threw that in to see if you
were paying attention; what he said was:
I would love to.
our love come on.
is here
to
and they...
Yeah. stay
And it was... oh, yeah.
And you know, it was the first time
mickey never told me anything,
Which meant it was
really something special.
i know
we may never meet again
before you go
make this moment
sweet again
we won't say good night
until the last minute
and finally
mickey has to leave.
He left? He actually left?
He had to.
The season was starting.
Poor mickey. He hadn't had a lot
of beautiful moments in his life.
He grew up in a family where
the dog committed suicide.
"I just can't take it
anymore... chi-Chi."
Mickey just never knew that
anyone could be so wonderful.

But he tells himself,
Forget paris;
it was just a beautiful few days. Let it go.
You know, just let it be
a perfect little memory.
But it's tough.

Did you see this?
They brought abraham lincoln
back to life for a few seconds.When?
Um, last week
they dug him up...hmm.
And they gave him
this drug revivatol.No kidding.
It says he said
a few words.
What'd he say?
"How'd the play end?"
How you gonna ref a game
with that in your stomach?
- Jack, you may look like my mother, but you're not.
- Ooh.
So, what are we gonna
see today, gentlemen?What's playin'?
Do we have to go to the movies?
I mean, that's all we ever do.
- So what do you wanna do?
- I don't know.
I was thinkin' maybe
we'd go to a... museum.
it's like lookin' for
a four-Leaf clover
And see what?
it takes a little help
from up above art.
Art. lucky me
Tommy, would you like to
go to the museum and see art?
Not today, thank you.What is with you?
We're in indianapolis,
and all of a sudden you wanna see art.
When i was in paris,
i saw art, okay?
I saw the mona lisa;
i saw stuff.
With that girl you met,
huh?Ellen. Yes.
What is she living in paris for?
Is she too good to live here?
Good point."Good point"?
There's no point!
Why don't you shoot some
revivatol into your brains?
I am going to the museum,
and i'm gonna go see art.
- You'd better leave now to avoid the crowds.
- Give my regards to picasso.
Bad call, mickey!
- Damn.
- Patrick, stop lookin' at me that way, you big baby.
Just play the game, okay?
How are you?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Walking. Walking.
Right there. Right there.
They're climbing
up and down my back!
You're makin'
five million a year.
You could be in a submarine bumpin'
into a periscope. Just play ball.
You gotta call 'em.Stop the whining, okay?
1-5 in a block! Huh!
What, are you new in town?Make some calls,
mickey, huh?
I'll make the calls.
I'm gettin' a glare off your head.
No, no, no, no, no!
On the line, on the line!
What, are you tired?
Yeah, your girlfriend wore me out last night.
Don't have any legs.
Hi.
It was a tango!
You did the tango!
That was a bad call.
I was there...
You weren't there.I was there.
Hey, mick, where'd you
buy your clothes from?Why?
'Cause we're lookin' to have a kid;
we wanna know where to shop.
Very funny. Tell spike that one.
Come on, play ball.
Technical foul!
Get up to the foul line.
Go to the foul line.
Give 'im a technical!What are you doin' here?
That's a hard foul,
reggie!
Thanks, spud.
You know somethin'?
You're the only one i can talk to.
Open it up.
One, two, three! What about ellen?
Did they ever call each other?
Did they write?Ohh!
She writes, he calls,
but it's no good; he misses her.I love it. I miss you.
Then thanksgiving.
Big network game.
Lakers at detroit.Go, pistons!
It was kareem abdul jabbar's
last season, his farewell tour.
They made a celebration for him in every town
the lakers played; this time it was detroit.
Thank you so much.It was a big game; the biggest
rivalry in the league.
They were scalping tickets
for $600.
And of course mickey's crew does
the game because he's the best.
Only it's a holiday.
He's thousands of miles
from her, and he's miserable.
He's a time bomb.
Wake up and drop dead,
you putz!
- God, i hate your guts!
- Where did you go to ref school, dipshit tech?
You pathetic pigs.
That's a foul!
What's the matter,
the prozac didn't kick in?
Get in the game, you prick!
What a waste of blood.
You suck!
hey, mickey, how'd you
miss that last call?
Here, you wanna
borrow these?

Let's go, let's play!
Hey, mickey, laimbeer's got me
in a head lock out there.
What are you waiting for,
blood?
Technical foul!For what?
"For what"?
You want another one?
What did i say? Just because you're havin'
a bad game, don't take it out on me!
- You're outta here, kareem!
- Are you nuts? This is my farewell game!
- Good! Well, let me be the first to say "farewell."
- No, no, no, no!
You're nuts, man!Really?
What are you laughin' at?
- Nothin'.
- No? That's it! Technical! For lying!
- Are you crazy?
- Am i crazy?
You're outta here too!
You're throwin' me
out of the game?Take a walk, isaiah!
What the hell's goin' on? You don't run
this league! Nobody paid to see you ref!
Nobody paid to see you do anything!
Get outta here, laimbeer!
This is not over!
I'm gonna see you again!
Good, because
i'll still have this!
Big deal!
You're outta the game!
You're terrible!Get off the court!
It was horrible.
He snapped.
You're out! You're out!He threw out
both starting teams,
A coach, a trainer,
kareem's parents...
And the guy who puts cheese
on the nachos.
They had to take mickey out
in an armored van.
He had committed the
cardinal sin of refereeing:
He brought his personal life
onto the court. I can't believe it.
The league suspended him
for a week.
He was in bad shape.
So what did he do?
What are you doing here?
What is with this airline?
Now they lost my mother.
Get over here.
I have five brothers.
All older.A little princess.
Yeah. Yeah.
They were all high school wrestling
champions, so they had the wrestling ears.
I just remember, "no potatoes, mom.
I gotta make weight."
After the match it would be, "he pinned me!
How did he pin me?"
So it was necessary for me to live
in a completely different world.
But why france?
Why here?
You know the madeleine books, where the little
french girl goes off to boarding school?
Well, my mother bought me the
whole set when i was young,
And...
I think i was
madeleine.
She made me the hat
just like her.
I used to walk around wichita
talking with a little french accent.
Everybody thought i was crazy,
but i ended up here, so...
Are your folks
still around?
My dad is,
but my mother died when i was in high school.
I wish she could've
seen me here.
What?
It's just your face.
When you were telling me the story,
you just looked so beautiful.
Stop.
Hey, ellen,
let's sit down for a little while, okay?
All right.
Ellen, i don't know if this is
just the right time for me,
Or how we met,
Or just how wonderful
you are, but...
I really love you...
And i want us
to get married.
Oh, mickey,
i ammarried.
Wait, is this again to see
if i'm paying attention?
No. This part was real.
What?
When, in the last
couple of months?
No, no, no.
Two years.
Where is he?
We're separated.
I mean, we might get back together, but...
But you...
you're here with me.
I-I'm confused.
You'reconfused?
You're...
All the time we're together,
you never said anything, you never implied...
Well, i'm not like you;
i can't tell everybody my whole life.
Okay, but hit an occasional highlight like,
"i'm married."
You don't do this
to a person, you know?
You don't walk around being fabulous
when you know you're not available.
- How do you think i feel?
- I don't have a clue!
Let's recap, okay?
Here's what we know about you:
You're from wichita;
you got five brothers with bad ears;
You're great in bed;
and, oh, yes, you're married!
I'm overflowing
with facts!
Why don't you just sit down
and shut up for a second.
I'm in trouble here.
I'm trying to decide if i
should salvage a bad marriage.
I've fallen in love
with someone else.
I just think my problems are
a little bigger than yours,
So let's have a holiday
from sarcasm, all right?
You love me?
Is he french?
Yes.
Is he handsome?
Yes.
Is he rich?
Yes.
Does he have a sister?
Ohh!
If you got him,
what do you need me for?
He doesn't
make me laugh.
No?No.
He makes me miserable.
- Well, i can do that. Ellen, give me a chance.
- No.
Ellen, please.I can't, mickey.
Ellen, where are you going?
Ellen!
So, what happened?
He came home again. Alone?
Alone. Only this time,
he's determined not to eat his heart out.
If she's not available,
she's not available, period.
He'll just go back to seeing
the women he was seeing before. Who was he seeing?
oh, mickey was seeing a
wide variety of interesting women.

So, mickey, am i
going to see you tonight?
- Mickey.
- You call me. - Tonight.
It was a rich, full life.
Then one night, mickey's
in charlotte, north carolina.

It's an off night,
so he's all alone.
Just him and the guy coughing
in the next room.
Hey! Attack of
the phlegm creature!
You ever think about
going to a hospital?
Come on, cough it up.
Spit it up already!
Coming up next,
more women's bodybuilding.
Too much of a good thing.
He called her?
No. He called me.
I was in bed...
Hello.Uh, reading.
Andy, how're ya doin'?Mickey! Where are you?
You know what? I don't know.
I have to check my itinerary.
Yeah, i'm either
in denver or charlotte.
Yeah, i got a room
next to doc holliday.
- Mmm!
- Do you remember that fourth grade substitute teacher?
Remember she crossed her legs
and we went nuts?
Remember she had the garters, hooks and the
whole thing? We didn't know what it was.
Uh, miss... pitter.
Oooh, bam! You're right.
Miss pitter.
How'd you remember that?
Why, did you run into her?No, i was planning on
masturbating later,
And i just wanted a name
to go with the picture.
Mickey,
are you all right?
No. I-I...
I'm really lonely,
i don't feel good and...
Well, um,
could i call you back in a few minutes?
Could you hold on
just a second?
I want to talk to you, but i got this professional
cougher here who wants to fight with me.
Hold on just a second.
All right?
Listen, you've been
keeping me up all night.
I just want...
What are you doing here?
Do you sleep
with the window open?
Uh... yeah.
I don't like it.
You're gonna have to stop that.
Okay.
Do you squeeze the toothpaste
from the top or the bottom?
Uh... top.
Well, don't do that.
I hate that.
If you ever use my car,
You better put the mirror and
the seat back where i like it.
Don't use my razor
to shave any part of you.
If you ever start
to lose your hair,
You'd better not grow that long
thing down from your sideburns...
That you wrap around your head,
'cause it's disgusting.
Don't ever hand me food and say,
"taste this. See if it's bad."
All right.Okay? Okay.
Wanna talk about religion, politics,
whether you want kids or not?
That crap'll all work itself out.
We've handled the big issues.
All right,
i'll marry you.
I love you.I love you.
And that was it.
You listened the whole time?
Yeah. It was beautiful.In a minute.
Oh, honey, that was nice.
That was
a really nice story.
It's so romantic
when she comes back.
Hey, hi!Liz, what's the matter?
What happened?Nothing.
Why does every woman
you're with end up crying?
They don't.
Will you sh...hi.
I...no, no, no.
Andy was just telling me
this really wonderful story.
- Oh, was he?
- Hi, craig. How are you, lucy?
- I'm hot.
- Welcome to helen's. What can i get you?
- You got a nice white wine?
- Sure. It's like me, bold but with a hint of whimsy.
Fine.And for the lady?
- Perrier with lime, no ice.
- Excellent choice.
What story?The ellen-Mickey story.
How they met,
Oh!The dead father, her showing up
in north carolina.
- I just can't wait to meet them.
- Them? They're both coming?
What do you mean?
Nothing.
I was just under
the impression they were...yeah.
What?
After that wonderful story?
Well, what happened?
They were so in love.
They were. They were
wild for each other.
She got divorced, they got married right
away and those first few months were...
Are you crazy?No.
You're going to weigh your food
here at the table?Yes!
It's for weight watchers.
I want to look good for their wedding.
How is this bothering you?I ju... i... i can't...
You want me
to tell it? No. No.
As i was saying,
the first few months were fabulous,
Like a constant honeymoon.
She had no job,
basketball season was almost over.
She traveled all over the country with him,
saw every game,
Had a ball.Look how much
a lime weighs.
So now the season ends,
and it's time for the hard part.
The honeymoon's over
and the marriage begins.
Mickey had moved to l.A.
A couple of years after we did.
He and ellen moved into
his place at the marina,
And it's not exactly
her idea of a love nest.Okay.
Open 'em!
No. Wow.
It was sort of
a shrine to watching espn.Welcome home.
It's just a matter of taste. Or a lack of.
Anyway, then october comes.
It's time for mickey to go back on the road.
She's heartbroken. Well, he was
heartbroken too. I mean...
Yeah. Yeah, he was.
They were very much in love. Yeah.
Travel safe.
She had left a job in france;
she had lost all her tenure.
She had to start over again,
and all she could get...
Was this crummy job in customer
relations at burbank airport.
Look at this!
Look what you've done to my clothes!
I can see, but i have another situation
to deal with first, so could you...
Hello? Hello,
is this mrs. Durkin?
I'm calling from the burbank airport,
and i have your three children here.
They did not get on the plane
because we didn't let them.
Why not? The oldest one is seven, and they
showed up at the airport unsupervised.
Lady!Could you just...
this is disgusting!
Get off the phone
and talk to me!
I really don't care if you are trying to surprise
your husband and the bitch he ran away with.
- Lady!
- Would you just get your crap off my counter now?
She's not happy. Mickey only comes
home about four days a month.
She's in
this strange city all alone,
With a job she hates,
working all hours, weekends, nights.
She was scared. This
is l.A. We're talking about.
She even got one of those dolls.
What do you mean "dolls"?It's called safe-T-Man.
You keep it in the trunk, and when you're
scared, you put it in the seat next to you.
People think it's a guy.
Those are good. My sister had one.
No one ever bothered her.
Yeah, that was the reason.
Hmm! Anyway, now something happens
to ellen you're not gonna believe.
Oh! Oh,
this is fabulous!
I'll tell it.
I tell it better.I'm already telling it.
When i finish this story,
you are gonna call me a liar to my face.
But it's the god's honest truth!
Tell it good.
She's sitting at home
at night.
It was day.
No, the first part of the story.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, night.Right.
So she's sitting at home...
at night.
Feeling miserable, when she
has an unexpected visitor.
The first husband from paris? Close.
A mouse. So she calls
an exterminator.
Glue traps. It ain't like the old
kind that snapped their heads off.
It's just a simple, little gluey piece of
paper. You put a little food in the middle.
The mouse comes along,
looks at the food, goes for the food,
Gets stuck, squirms around
for a while but can't get away.
It's how lucy and i met.It's pretty cool.
The next day, she comes home from shopping,
she hears a commotion in the living room.
Oh, no! Did she get
a mouse in the glue? Eww!Wait. Wait, wait.
Let me tell this part.
Come on. Then you
can tell the rest of it.Okay, okay.
She left
the sliding door open,
And a pigeon flew in,
went after the food...
Oh, no!And got stuck in the glue.
So she calls the vet. And the vet says,
"get it right over."
He's got some chemicals that can dissolve
the glue and save the bird. Shh!
She puts the bird
in a box, gets in the car... and heads for the vet.
The bird's very nervous. Who wouldn't be?
She takes off.
She's driving along; she hits a huge pothole;
The bird flies up into the air
and sticks to her head.
You're a liar! Told ya.
Just get off!
Oh, god!
Help! Help!
Did you see that?
Those are the earrings i wanted.
Mrs. Gordon
for dr. Bilch, please.
Your, your pet's name?
Get me dr. Bilch,
or i'll kill you!
Honey?In here.
Your lover man's home.
Ah, what a trip i had...
Aaah!
Mm-Hmm, mm-Hmm.
Well, i'll tell her.
Yeah.
Thank you, doctor.
Thanks for calling. All right, bye.
That was the vet. It's good news.
The pigeon's gonna make it.
Why are you giving me the
stink eye? What did i do?
You had mice
in the apartment.
Me? I haven't
been here for a month.
I know.
Come on, now.
I didn't do anything.
You just had one of those
i-Had-A-Bird-Glued- To-My-Head days.
One minute you're normal, and
the next you're tippi hedren.
I mean, it would
shake a person up.
When do you
go away again?Day after tomorrow.
For how long?Ten days.
But then i'm home for three.
We'll go someplace.
Great.
Didn't you just
finish one?
I gained eight
pounds, okay?
Okay, sure.
Fine with me.
And as a matter of fact,
i think i'll gain 20 more.
And then maybe i'll just be perfect.
How would that be?
For me, a dream come true.
I can't wait!
Let's go into the kitchen and have
a big stack of buttermilk pancakes.
Come on, what do you say?
Let's get you big!
Bring your new best friends, ben and jerry,
and let's turn your ass into a helipad!
Come on!
Oh.I look terrible.
No, you don't.
You don't.Do. I do.
I'm lonely.Aww.
Oh, mickey, i hate my job.
I hate this apartment.
I didn't come all the way
from france to be alone.
And lately, i've been having
certain feelings...
About safe-T-Man.
Oh, ellen, i love you.
I love you so much.
I wish there was
something i could do,
But it's not like i can
quit my job or anything.
Why not?
What?
Why can't you
quit your job?
I... that's, uh...
That's impossible.
I mean, it's ridiculous.
It's ridiculous?
I quit my job.
Remember? I gave up
everything for you.
Yeah?Yeah.
Why don't you come out on the road
again with me? Now, that was great.
Great?
Every other day
on a different plane?
Dinner in the hotel room at 1:00 a.M. From
room service while you iced down your knees.
Who wants
to live like that?
I do.
I like my job.
Why can't you do it locally?
You know, high school.
High school? Those kids are armed.
Honey, i'm a pro.
I'm one of the best in the league and
i've been doing it for ten years.
I mean,
it's what i do.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I mean, i know that
your job means a lot to you.
I just can't
do this anymore.
So he calls me.
I once offered him a job
selling cars for his off-Season.
I figured he'd be good at it.
He had the personality.
So he quit?
He asked the league for
a year off, a leave of absence.
So he and ellen
are together again.
She talks him into buying some
little house in the valley.
It was charming.If charming means overpriced.
Anyway, she's workin' out.
She looks fabulous.
Yeah, everything's great...
for her.
Plus, the knuckleheads at
the airlines finally realized...
That ellen's, like,
90 times too qualified for the job she's got.
They move her into a big office where
she's the head of a whole department.
She's the happiest
she's ever been in her life.
Oh, good.
And how's mickey?
Mickey is not wonderful.
Um, what kind of
mileage does it get?
Fabulous.
Fabulous mileage.
It gets 100 in the city
and 3,000 on the highway.What?
Car and driver called the, um...
what are we in?Subaru.
Right. Said it was "great."
Unquote.
So you actually knew
michael jordan?
Knew him? I'm the one
who shaved his head.
So, she's happy, he's miserable.
And the way his mind works is...
What the hell
is makin' her so happy?
That was ellen.
- Who?
- Follow that car!
The porsche!
Catch up to it!Okay, okay.
Come on,
gun this rickshaw!
Move it!
That's my wife!
Ha! Ellen!
Ah...
It's not her.
Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!
- It's not her!
- Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!
Aaah!Aaah!
So, you like it?
It wasn't that mickey
couldn't sell cars.
Most days he wasn't that bad,
but his heart wasn't in it.
The worst
was during the play-Offs.
Poor mickey.
That was a rough time for him.
It was rough
because he made it rough.
Craig gave him
a good job.
My brother richard
was dying for that job.Again with richard?
I'm just saying,
unlike mickey,
Richard would have
appreciated that job.
Richard needs instructions
on how to put on a hat.
He fell down some steps
when he was a baby.
It's a whole other story.
Can we get back to the point?
You're giving her the wrong idea.
You're making ellen the villain.
There's two sides
to everything, right?You tell it.
Ellen would talk to me
sometimes during that period.
Veal parmigiana.What?
That's the only thing
he'll eat at a restaurant.
I know.
We've been out with him.
There's just so many things he'll only do.
He'll only go to the movies.
"What do you want to do tonight?"
"Let's go to a movie."
That's what he's used to.In paris he went to the
museum and to the ballet.
Forget paris.
He was courting.
They'll do anything when they're courting.
Craig knitted me a sweater.
I took him to the theater
to see phantom of the opera.
Oh, that's
so beautiful!Yeah!
So you know
what mickey said?
You liked it?I loved it.
It was romantic.
Guy's got broken dinnerware on his face...
under which is a pizza...
And she's in love with him?She was in love
with his soul.
That's ridiculous.
It's like beauty and the beast.
It's all stuff
they sell to women.
The sweetest guy in my high school
was a guy named teddy stein.
He had a little bit of a droopy
eye and a mole on his cheek.
Could not get a date. But, no,
this "phantom" with an exploded head,
Women are squirming in their seats.
It's not real.
- I loved it. The music...
- The music?
You know what the big song was?
It was "school days."
- What?
- Yeah! da-Da, da-Da
da, da-Da, da-Da, da
school days, school days
dear old golden rule days
they think we're dopes?
- You hated the whole evening?
- No, no. The veal parmigiana was good.
It was a hard time for him.
He was unhappy,
So everything irritated him
more than usual.
I guess. So, she was irritating
him and he was irritating her.
They were irritating
each other.Things were horrible.
But then they
got much worse.What do you mean?
The father.The father!
I forgot
about the father.The father's dead.
They buried him
in france.No, ellen's father.
Oh, ellen's father.
Why didn't you say?
More perrier, please.
This was a nightmare.
Why?Ellen's father retired.
He was a widower.
He also had a few
health problems.Health problem.
Of course the wrestling brothers
didn't want to take him.
So he moves in
with ellen and mickey.
Ellen's working days. Mickey, 'cause he's
selling cars, is working a lot of nights.
Mickey's home a lot
with ellen's dad, arthur.
Arthur is the kind of guy
who could drive you insane.How?
You asked for it,
You got it.
toyota
You asked for it,
You got it.
toyota
You asked for it,
You got it!
toyota
You got it!
toyota
You... asked for it,
You got it!
toyota
you asked for it
you got it
toyota
Ed's tropical aquarium.
Mattress city.
Donuts, donuts, donuts.
Mr. Sid's tuxedos.
Six guys from greece,
authentic greek food.
Why don't you tell him
to stop?
I don't think he knows
that he's doing it.
So this is
your life now?
How did you let this
happen to you?I don't know.
The longest i lived with anybody
before this was... eight hours.
And that made me
feel stifled.
I'm just not used to it,
that's all.
I'm not used to somebody else
having an opinion about my life.
An opinion that
i have to listen to.No, you don't.
I don't?No.
Jack, what are you saying?
A wife is just somebody to adore you...
And have sex with you and
otherwise not bother you?
Keep goin'.
- What?
- Hey! Chef of the future.
What's goin' on with the meat?
Makin' progress?
It's not
quite there yet.
You want to give me a time frame,
like maybe next week, the fall, christmas?
Let me know so we can
plan our vacation around it.
It's just this short
of greatness.
So are you, jack.
Ha, ha.Got you.
That's a good one.
Hey, go, make
the girl food, the salad.
Ooh, ellen, let's go make
the girl food, the salad.
The same thing happened to
me when i first got married.
"How can you leave me all the time?
I didn't get married to be alone."
She said to me,
"ya gotta give it up.
Ya gotta stay home,
get a real job."
But i said, "you're asking me to give
up what i do, what i am. I can't."
And she understood?No, we worked out
a compromise.
I went back to work
and she divorced me.Lois?
No, this was beverly,
the first mrs. Jack.
I didn't know about her.Yeah! Then i met lois
and she got it.
Got what?
Look, mickey, i don't like to stick
my nose into anybody's business.
But?But, if you're with a woman
and she doesn't get it,
She doesn't get what you're about,
what's in your guts,
Move on.
"Move on"?
Move on.Jack, what are you saying?
I'm sayin', move on.
Hey, you're up.Yeah.
I gotta get goin'.
You look nice.Thanks.
Could i talk to you about a
few things before you go?
I hardly get
to see you anymore.Sure. What is it?
I just wanted to tell ya...you asked for it,
you got it.
toyota
Morning, pop.
Non-Dairy creamer.
Hmm.
You asked for it,
you got it.
What's going on with you?
I, um... i'm going
back to refereeing.
Oh.
I called the league and i told them
that i want to go back to work.
Ellen, i tried.
You saw that i tried.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't sit here with him all day.
When you said he was gonna live with us,
you gave no clue as to what shape he was in.
Shh. Honey, he's sick.
What do you want me to do?
You take care of him.
Take him to work with you.
He can wander around
the airport muttering.
There's thousands of people
who do that.
So if he wasn't here,
everything would be fine?
No.
Ellen, i like being a referee.
I love being a referee.
It's a big part of who i am
and i'm startin' to miss me.
And me is the guy
you married.
So when did you decide
to do this?
I've been thinking about it
for a couple of weeks.
In all that time,
did it occur to you to talk to me?
I mean, to see
what i thought?
No, because i already knew
what you thought.
But you're doing it anyway?
I have to do this!
It's important to us!
I want to love you
and not resent you.
You resent me?
Tsk!
Yeah, because when you
were unhappy, i cared.
Now, i'm unhappy
and you don't care.
I just found out you were unhappy.
I haven't had time not to care.
You didn't notice? Yesterday i ran out
of toothpaste and burst into tears.
Does that seem
normal to you?
Does it seem normal we never have sex
anymore? Has that caught your attention?
Come on, we're on
different schedules now.
When you come home, i'm asleep already.
When i come home...
We used to do it 19 times a day
in every room in the house.
Then we'd go to the kramers to see if they
were home so we could use their place.
Two times. Two times you wanted
to have sex and i didn't.
No, 50 times i wanted to have sex
and you didn't. Two times i asked.
Is that my fault?
Why didn't you ask the other times?
I don't want to always be the one
to ask when you show no interest.
What about when i ask
and you show no interest?
- When did that happen?
- Last week, in the morning.
Don't you remember? I started to do
that thing that you used to like.
You said, "no! Get off of me!
What is that?"
That was 6:30 in the morning.
I was fast asleep.
That wasn't love.
You were slipping me into your schedule.
Fine, if that's the way
you see it.
Oh, mickey. Look,
i have a vacation coming up.
Why don't we just...
we could go to that place in santa barbara.
I'm leaving monday.
How many more years are you
planning to do this?
What? Referee?Yes.
I don't know.
Well, give me a clue.
One, ten, 15?
I don't know.
I gotta go.
He just left her?
Can you believe it?
He didn't leave her.
He went back to work.
But what he was saying was his job
was more important than his wife.
No, they were
both important.
A marriage can't work when one person
is happy and the other is miserable.
Marriage is both people
being equally miserable.
What?No. I was just kid...
What would happen if i lost my column and
had to go back on the road to cover a team?
Could that happen?Of course.
Papers fold, papers merge.
You get a new editor.
You never said anything
about this before.
Would it have made
any difference?Well, no, not really.
"Not really"?
Ooh, that's a real crowd pleaser.
Okay, well, sure. It would make
some difference. How could it not?
We're getting married sunday.
I'd like to know...
If i'm getting the first mrs.
Jack or the second mrs. Jack.
Any man who refers to his wives
as mrs. Jack is an idiot.
And any man who repeats it
is a bigger idiot.
I'll...
I better...nah, nah.
Sit down. Relax.
Lucy will fix it.
She's the bob villa of relationships.
You're hungry.
Have some bread.
Everything will look
better after bread.
Why did i start anything?
Why did i say that to her?
This is good.
Is there butter?
Take it easy. It's nothing.
It's just pre-Wedding jitters.
You think?The week i got married
i threw up every day.
Of course, it turned out
her mother was poisoning me.Will you stop?
Will you just stop?
Oh, i think i'm scared.Of what?
"Of what?"
That i parked too far from the curb.
What do you mean? I've been single for
40 years and i'm getting married sunday.
Oh, god!
Come on.
Take it easy.
You're all right.Why did i say that
to him?
I didn't mean that.
Maybe i'm just too scared
to get married.
Listen to me.
I lost 15 pounds for this wedding.
You're getting married.
You shouldn't listen to ellen and mickey
stories before you're gonna get married.
It's like watching a horror
movie before you go to bed.
But you think mickey was wrong
and ellen was right, don't you?
Of course!Yeah.
Also, ellen was wrong
and mickey was right.
See, their marriage
had one overriding problem.
One was a man
and one was a woman.
So what happened?
Did they break up?
It was kind of hard to tell.
Were they separated because he
just happened to be out of town?
Or were they separated because they were...
you know, separated?
Maybe i got married
too fast.
No, there's no such thing as too fast
or too slow. It's whenever it's right.
Though you did move
a little fast.
It's just that when my first marriage ended,
i felt so lost.
I wasn't looking for anyone,
but then he just came along.
Mickey?Yeah.
He was so different than
the other guys. He was cute.
He's adorable. Every time i see him,
i want to pick him up and give him a hug.
Yeah.
The other ones were
very polished, stylish.
Then this little referee
shows up.
He made me laugh. Put me on a pedestal.
He made me feel loved.
As only a
little referee can.
He was just what i needed
to get me through that.
Oh, god. What?
Do you think i married
mickey on the rebound?
What's so funny?Get it? Rebound.
He's a basketball referee.
Keep your seats,
kids.Ow!
You know the difference
between us, mickey?
You still enjoy your
mother bathing you?No, my friend.
You're a dope and i'm not.
I say that with the greatest affection.
I'm a dope?Craig?
Big dope.You and i are both
the same. We're rigid.
I'm not rigid.Craig?
You're an ironing board.That's not true.
Please! Come on, guys.
I change.
Tuna rye.Me.
Tuna wheat.Me.
Veal parmigiana sandwich.
Him!
See? I know what i am.
So, i don't get married.
You think a woman is gonna let me
spend $1,400 on old baseball cards?
Forget it!
But you married this woman, mickey.
Then you seem upset that your life isn't
exactly the same as it was before.
It isn't.
You're married.
And you're up.
When he travels,
not only am i lonely,
I don't even know
who i am by myself.
You don't?
No. You know, like
when you're with a guy...
Not just for a night but really with,
like a husband or a boyfriend,
And you keep reinventing yourself to be
the perfect woman for that relationship.
Yeah, right, right.
I don't know.
If i took time before or between,
You know, to find out
who i really am by myself,
Who i could be, you know,
without any guy around...
I know i'm in here
somewhere.
I can hear myself
screaming from a distance.
Does mickey know
you feel this way?
I just don't think mickey would
understand it in the right way.
Things just weren't
comfortable anymore.
For either of them. It was like
they were pretending to be married.
It was sad because they were married
and they were both very lonely.
Aw, gee.
Brushless carwash.
Mario's pizza town.
Laundry world.
They decided to get help. They
went to a marriage counselor.
First of all, let me
explain my philosophy.
The way i see it,
marriage is simply a form of legalized rape.
Mickey thought they should see someone else,
doctors don and debbie.
If you miss me so much,
why aren't you happy when i come home?
I know you're going
to leave again.
I'm going to leave,
so let's not have a good time while i'm home?
Now it's my fault that we
don't have a good time?
When i come home,
i'm excited to see you.You're not excited, mickey.
You're horny.Is that such a bad thing?
When do you two get involved?
When there's gunplay?
I just want it to always
be like that week in paris.
It can't be
like that, mickey.
I know.
So finally, things
weren't getting any better.
So, ellen did
what she had to do.
Ellen?
Hi! You're
back already?
Yeah. Where were you?
Wichita.
I left you a note.
Yeah, well, i...
i just got here.Oh.
Where's your father?
Wichita.
What's he doin' there?
I left him with my brothers.
Really? Oh, mickey.
I want this to work.
Oh, i love you.
Honey, i'm sorry.
I didn't mean anything.
Oh... oh, no, no.
Me too. Me too.
I was just crying about mickey and ellen.
It's so sweet the way she came back.
Why does every woman
you're with end up crying?
She's not...
honey, this is jack garrett.
You know, the referee.Very nice to meet ya.
- I've heard a lot about you.
- Uh-Oh.
I was the "as told to"
on jack's book.
And this... is mrs. Jack.
Lois. Hi, it's
very nice to meet you.
Congratulations.
Let's eat.
Craig, lucy.Hi. Nice to meet you.
Lois, hi.Good to meet ya.
- Craig.
- Oh, yeah, you sell those scooby-Doos.
Subarus.
Asshole. Excuse me.
Jack, you're in the lane
too long. Sit down.Whoops.
Where's mickey?He's doin' the knick game.
He should be here
any minute.With ellen, right?
- Ellen?
- Yeah, why?
Are they still together?
When i talk to 'im, i don't ask anymore.
Lucy just told me
the whole story.
The whole thing?About the baby?
Shut up.
- Baby?
- Hey, the plot thickens.
Do they make
a decent martini?
Dry and explosive.
- What baby?
- Dry, straight up, olive...
Me too. Double.Me too.
Me too.What baby?
- Where'd you leave off?
- When she left her father in wichita.
Oh!Ancient history.
Does she know
about him sellin' cars?
That test drive.
Hey! Listen to me!
Someone doesn't tell me about this baby,
asses will be kicked!
I like her.
All right,
See, after she dumped the old man,
they were better for a while.
Oh. Oh, mickey.
It's so beautiful.
There's something so great about
knowing we're making a baby.
It's gonna be wonderful.Yeah.
Here's why you
can't have children.
She had somethin' wrong
with her plumbing.
Not like mrs. Jack.
She folds my underwear, she gets pregnant.
Ellen's fallopian tubes
were damaged.
That's what she gets for living
in france all those years.
What does that
got to do with it?
She was probably all
clogged up with cheese.Lovely, jack.
I'm telling
the rest of this. Good!
She was devastated.
They started going to this fertility clinic.
She told me all about it.
Lois, you should see the waiting room.
All the childless couples.
You could cut the hopelessness
with a chain saw.
Mickey told jack
it wasn't hopeless.
We are trying this in vitro
process for $8,000 each attempt.
Ouch.Ouch is right.
Mickey has to give me
these injections every morning.
Only he gets
a little queasy.
Why don't i just hold this
and you'll jump in my lap?Mickey, come on.
Craig volunteered to do this because he's
used to doing it from being a diabetic.
But i don't want him
looking at your ass.Just do it.
Okay, okay.
We're a team.
We're a team.
We're a team.Do it!
Ow!
I didn't know that.What? How much
an olive weighs?
No. That you wanted to
give ellen her injections.
What do you mean, "wanted"?
I-I just volunteered.
That's so sweet.What are you saying?
You saying i was trying to cop
a peek at ellen's caboose?
I was trying to help some friends.
May i finish this?
If you feel
you have to, sure.
What we'll do, ellen,
is take your eggs...
So the fertility experts
tell ellen and mickey it's time.
They take some eggs from ellen,
put them in a little dish,
Then it's time for mickey to...
how shall i say...
Spew his manhood
into a little plastic cup.
You're a real poet. Thank you.
After you.
Okay, can you
operate a v.C.R.?
Why? Did you want me
to tape something for you?
We have x-Rated tapes in case you
need some help becoming aroused.
Help?
Help? I lettered
in this in high school.
I used to carry a picture of
my right hand in my wallet.
We also have magazines.
Will you be all right?Sure, sure.
I do wish i was back in my parents'
bathroom in brooklyn though.
A lot of happy memories
there.I'll bet.
Yeah.
Use the cup.
Just come out when you're done.
Just one cup?
"Kim is an aries,
"Who enjoys snowboarding and reading
the scriptures on a rainy night.
Juice."
Excuse me.
All done?
Can i see you
for a second, please?
Hi.Is something wrong?
Yes. Do you have any sophia loren movies?
Early sixties? No.
She does a striptease
for marcello mastroianni.No.
Uh, barbarella?No!
There's a dick van dyke episode where
laura petrie is in capri pants.
She's doing, "oh, rob..."mr. Gordon, we are not
a video store.
We don't have a selection.I can't do this.
Your wife's egg is good
for only four more hours.
Then we might as well
scrape it into the trash.
That's right.
Pile on the pressure. Thank you.
Can't i do this
at home?No!
Why not?The sperm has to be
inserted into the egg...
Within one hour
of ejaculation.
Perfect, because i ejaculate
half an hour from here!
I-I mean, i live
half an hour from here.
Please, let me go home
where i usually do this.
Come on.
I wanna go home.
Mickey, are you okay
in there?
There it is! Okay!Okay, good. There's
a paper bag on the sink.
Got it.Ah!
My keys! My keys!They're in the car
and the car's running.
Okay. Bye, hon.What'd you think about?
- Wish me luck!
- Piece of cake!
No! Don't say that!
No!
No. No, no, no!
"Piece of cake!
Piece of cake"?
She spooked it!
Hang on, boys!
Ha, ha!
Go, go, go!
What are you doing?
Yes. Yes!
Ha, ha, ha!
Someday i'll tell ya
all about this, kids!
Do you know why
i pulled you over?Yes, i did everything wrong.
Officer, please, i have to get
to the hospital in 20 minutes.
50,000 lives are at stake.What are you talking about?
Do you know what
i have in this bag?No, i don't.
I have a cupful of sperm.
Get out of the vehicle.
Put your hands on the fender.
Now, move it. Put
your hands on the fender.
Mickey tries to convince the cop
he's not a perverted lunatic.
He brings him up-To-Date
on the whole story.
Thank you!
Good luck!
Excuse me!
And?
Hello, this is mrs. Gordon,
calling for the results of my pregnancy test.
Just a moment, please.


Mrs. Gordon?Yes?
That result was negative. Hold, please, and
i'll schedule you for another appointment.
Thank you.
You have to remember.
Besides the disappointment,
She's pumped full
of those hormone shots.
She's a wreck.
It's horrible for her.
Forget about it. Most of that time,
mickey's on the road.
So she's doing this alone, but
they try again... for two years.
Two years? Yeah.
Until finally...
Get it?
Yeah.Uh-Oh, he wants
his mommy.
You look pretty natural.
Come here,
you beautiful boy.Jesse, you big boy.
Here, grab
one of us.Sure.
Turn him around,
honey.Okay, all right.
Say hello.
Look at uncle mickey.
Oh! Mmm!
What's the matter?
Cute.I'm tired.
Let's go home.
I mean i'm tired
of the whole thing.
I want to stop.
You want to adopt?
I don't know.
I just...
I just want some time not to have
to think about it for a while.
All right?Okay.
They looked into adoption,
But the agencies
were not that cooperative.
He traveled.
She worked full-Time.
They were on
a ten-Mile-Long waiting list.
We didn't see them that much
after that. You know...
We had a baby. Yeah.
I saw them. It wasn't good.
There's a spot
right there, mickey.I can't get in that spot.
Of course you could.I can't get
in that spot.
I could get in that spot.Maybe the "phantom"
could get in that spot.
What is that
supposed to mean? school days, school days
It was just a matter of time.
Sit down, please.
Ever been in california,
captain?
Lots of times. Recently?
Mickey?What?
General, you're
a soldier and officer.
You know as well as i do
i can't give you...i want to move to dallas.
What are you talking about?
The airline offered me a big promotion, but
it involves moving to dallas and i want to.
Oh.
It shouldn't make that big of a
difference to you if you're in dallas.
I mean, you'd be home
the same amount.
Right. But
i'd be in dallas.
So what? It's a city.
They have veal parmigiana.
You just can't walk into a room and say,
we're moving to dallas.
- Why not?
- "Why not?"
Because this is my home, you know?
And i'm not givin' in this time.
What do you mean,
"this time"?Yeah.
I always end up
giving in to what you want.You?
Me. Would you like to add them up?
Want to see my list?
Do you want to see my list
while we're at it?
Look, they need an answer
by this week, so...
Make up your mind.
I don't need a week.
I'm not going.
Must i remind you
that a chain...
Is no stronger
than its weakest link?
Well, in that case,
i'm moving to france.
France? France?
How did france
get in the picture?
They gave me my choice
between dallas and paris.
I wanted paris,
but i figured that wasn't fair to you.
But now since you're not even
willing to move to dallas,
I might as well take the job in france,
because that's the one i really want.
No! No!
Stop the cab! Ellen!
Stop, please.Stop the cab.
Ellen, please.
Let's talk about this.
Please!
Ellen, please.Don't do this.
We've been through it.
Let's go in the house
and we'll just talk about this.
I have to go.You mean
you want to go.
Look, are we happy?Yeah!
You know, sometimes we have ups and downs.
But everybody does.
Mickey, are you happy?
I just think for right now
it's better if we just...
Just what? Separate?I'm not saying that.
You're not saying that, but you're going
to paris and i'm going in the house.
That's not staying together.
Look, please...
No, i just need to go
for a little while...
What if you stay
until the season ends?
We'll go to paris together.
We were great in paris.
Forget paris.Forget it?
How do you forget
the best week in your life?
Maybe that's all we were
is just one great week.
Is that what you think?
Huh? After four years?
You know what then?
You're right. You should go.
Absolutely, go.
Have a nice trip.
Take care of yourself,
mickey.
Let's go, please.
That's it? Yeah.
No. She turns around
and comes running back, right?
Nope. She got on that plane
and flew to paris.
And he went after her?
No. He got on another plane
to do a game in sacramento.
That's how it ends?
Yeah. That was what?
Four months ago.
Now mickey's alone
in a house he didn't want.
He's, you know,
adjusting... slowly.
april in paris
chestnuts in blossom
holiday tables
under the trees
april in paris
this is a feeling
Let's go!
no one can ever
reprise
And ellen? I spoke to her
about a month ago in paris.
She was lonely and,
You know,
hmm, not bad.
But you know when you're talking to
someone and they tell you they're fine,
But you hear that thing in their
voice and you know they're not.
You know? That thing?
She's got it.
never knew my heart
could sing
never missed
a warm embrace
'til april in paris
whom can i run to
what have you done to
my heart
Oh, i'm ill.
Imagine if i actually knew them,
how sick i'd be.
Hey, that's
not gonna be us.
Can we order? My stomach's
doin' the conga.
The warmth.I'm hungry.
No, he's right.
Let's get this party goin'. Waiter!
Ah, would you like to look
at a breakfast menu perhaps?
I know it's late.
We're still waiting for someone.
Do you happen to know what happened
tonight at the knick game?
Did they go overtime or something?
Because our friend is unbelievably late.
I don't think so, pal.
People at that table were at the game.
They've been there
for over half an hour.
Oh. Well, bring us some champagne.
The best you got.
- All right.
- Oh! Champagne!
We're getting married!That's right.
Uh, you people want to know what
happened at the knick game tonight?
- Yeah.
- Oof! Weird game.
What?I never saw somethin'
like this in my life.
What happened?
It was incredible. I was standin'
there waitin' for the anthem to start.
You all right
tonight, mickey?Huh?
Are you okay tonight?Yeah, i'm fine.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Please rise as we honor america with
the playing of our national anthem.
Please welcome
david sanborn.

tom?
What?I can't do
the game tonight.
You feel sick?I gotta catch a plane.
To where?Paris.
Right now?
You can't do that, mickey.
I'm not gonna let you go. We got a game.
They're gonna throw you out of the league!
If they do, they do!

I don't believe this. I was
just on my way to see you.Oh, come on.
I swear.
I was on my way to paris.
Forget paris.
I hated paris.
Oh, mickey.
What's the answer?
Why is it going to work
this time?
I don't know. But i know that we're
better together than we are apart.
And i know
i'll move to dallas.
Or paris! Or the dark side of the moon
because home is wherever you are.
And i also know...
I love you.
So tell me the truth.
Do you think
we're gonna make it?
Piece of cake.



charge!
Then the knicks lost.
They stink.
Well, let me get back to my food, huh?
Have a good night.
It's her!
I know it's her!
It's meant to be!
Why does every woman
you're with end up crying?
- Mickey!
- Hey!
It's them!Ellen!
Oh! Oh, mickey.
Hi, ellen.
Hey, andy.Hi?
Liz, ellen and mickey.
Nice to meet you.
Are you all right?Oh, yeah.
She'll be fine.
Congratulations.
Hey, look who's here!Hey, craig.
Hi, ellen!
I can't believe this.
All right, champagne.
Best we got.
Bubbly and dying to go home.
I would like to make a toast. A toast!
Okay!
To my father...
aw!
Who did one
really great thing.
He brought us together.
That's nice.
Oh!
To marriage!
- Alla salute.
- Let's eat!
Sounds good to me.
- All right, young fellow, you first.
- Me? Okay.
Whoo, whoo. I know exactly
what i'm gonna have.
I would like the veal...
Picatta.
Yes!
Madam?
Oh! What the hell? Me too.
I'm done with this. I'm eating tonight.
I'll have
the parmigiana.Me too.
Seven piccatas.
Liz. You must not know
what that toast is about.
See, when mickey's father passed away,
he wanted to be buried in france.
I was working in paris.
See, you don't know
that that's a true story.
Helen, this is all veal.
Seven piccata, one parmigiana.
Fire it right up.
I got a hungry group here.
Two days it was lost in
switzerland and ellen found him.
That's true.
That's how we met and then the rest...
Well, you know
that story, don't you?
Closed-Captioned by

were we ever
did we use it up too fast
are great moments
never meant to last
and the last thing
that i want
is to ever
make your smile
go away
keep the memories
take the best
of what we have
i can't stand to
watch what once
was great go bad
and if i can't
be with you
then i'd rather
just remember
what we knew
when you love someone
and you love them
with your heart
and it doesn't disappear
if you're apart
when you love someone
and you've done all
you can do you've done all you can do
then you set them free
and if that love is true
oh, yeah
when you love someone
it will all
come back to you
nights i've wondered
was it too much
that we gave
if we'd given more
could
we have both been saved
well, i guess
we crossed that line
never knowing
what was yours
and what was mine
when you love someone
then you love them
with your heart
and it doesn't disappear
if you're apart
when you love someone
and you've done
all you can do you've done all
and you set them free you can
and if that love is true
oh, yes
when you love someone
it will all come back
to you
and through it all
i still have no regrets
just why must we why must we
you never will forget you never will
forget
when you love someone
and you've done
all you can do
then you set them free
if that love is true
oh, yeah
when you love someone if you love someone
it will all come back
to you
oh, oh, oh
You asked for it...
You got it.