[Children]
# Should auld acquaintance be forgot #
# And never brought
to mind #
- # Should auld acquaintance... #
- [Elderly Man] We used to
have 50 on staff here. Fifty.
I'm the only one left.
All comes down
to one schmuck:
Me, the night shift bellhop.
What the hell is that?
A bellhop? Huh? What is he?
Y-You know where
the name comes from?
Huh? [Chuckles]
It's so simple, it's stupid.
Some schmuck rings a bell
and ya hop.
Ya hop front and center.
[Younger Man] Did you ever meet
any of the old stars, then?
What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin
Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes.
Ah, hey, you talk
about stars, uh...
Hey, kid,
put this on.
Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead.
Come on, come on, come on.
Let me see. Let me see.
You know, and to think that I wore
that stupid thing for 50 years.
[Chuckling] To think
I did that. Ah, shit, yeah.
Yeah, well...
Well, kid,
I'm gettin'
my ass outta here.
Yep.
Yep, kid,
gotta go.
Listen, kid,
stay clear of...
night clerks, kids,
hookers and married arguments.
Come on, stand up. Come on.
I wanna say good-bye.
Now, uh...
Let me see.
You... You wanna get a tip?
Hold your hand out.
That's right. Now, uh, smile.
Give me a smile. Give me
a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, if the cocksucker
doesn't pay ya,
you say to yourself, uh,
"Fuck you, Jack."
You know what I mean?
You never miss.
Tell you something else:
Keep your cock in your pants.
## [Singing
Nonsense Syllables]
[Bell Dings]
[Bell Dings]
[Bell Dings]
[Hisses]
[Hissing Laughter]
[Hissing]
[Bell Rings]
[Vacuum Rushes]
[Bell Rings]
[Bell Rings]
[Whip Cracks]
[Women Laughing]
[Ship's Horn Blows]
## [Whistling]
## [Singing
Nonsense Syllables]
[Clicks]
[Bell Rings]
[Pinball Machine Dings]
[Pinball Machine Continues]
[Bell Ringing]
[Pinball Machine Dings]
May I help you?
I have a reservation.
In the honeymoon suite.
- Kiva.
- [Woman] Wait up.
What'd I tell you
about smoking?
- You smoke.
- That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.
So, welcome to this week's edition
of "Who is a Hypocrite?"
- This is my first guest.
- That's enough, Kiva.
- You're not my mother.
- Yes, I am.
Then why are we
sleeping together?
Ahh.
Mmm.
Yes.
[Hisses]
[Clears Throat]
Thank you.
# Oh, you little stinker #
# Oh, you sweet
little muffin ##
Yes, Mama loves
the baby.
- [Chuckling]
- [Meows]
Hello.
I'm lookin' for the room
for makin' love.
Oh, right. You must mean
the honeymoon suite.
- Well, it's straight
that way. Can't miss it.
- Uh-huh. I know where it is.
I just wanted you to know
that I know where I'm goin',
so you needn't bother with me.
- [Elevator Bell Dings]
- Well, no problem.
Where's your luggage?
I travel light.
[Bell Dings]
[Bell Dings]
Tell me, how long have
the others been here?
About an hour.
One hour.
[Door Opens]
[Exhales]
You're very late, Eva.
I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a
birth. The placenta was late in coming.
Which birth is more important
to you, Eva: That of a mortal,
or that of a goddess?
Will there be
anything else, ladies?
Wait.
We do need some things.
We need... fresh rosemary
from the kitchen.
Mostly what we need
is from the kitchen.
Hey. Are you listening?
Rosemary.
We need sea salt,
a little bit of sea salt.
Or kosher salt,
if you have no sea salt.
A bottle of spring water...
French, not that Italian shit.
- Um, yes, and could I have
some French fries?
- [Blonde] Shut up, Kiva.
Some ginger
and some raw meat.
- Liver, if you have it.
- I want fries, you stupid jerks
with your dumb fucking ritual.
Shut up, you little shit!
[Blonde]
Hey.
- Don't talk to her that way.
- Uh,
if there's nothing else...
## [Beating Drum]
Thank you.
- [Bird Cawing In Distance]
- [Water Trickling]
## [Woman Vocalizing]
We're communing here
on New Year's Eve...
to bring to life
the great goddess Diana,
who was turned into stone
in this very room...
Diana, O Great Beautiful One,
we make
these offerings to you...
so that we may undo the wicked spell
which deprived you...
of the seed of your lover...
of your virginal blood...
of your very life.
We now form the symbolic rock...
with our bodies.
On this night,
in this hour,
we call upon
the ancient power.
O Goddess Bride,
we offer thee...
milk from a mother's
sweet titty.
To reverse this evil
which has been done,
I make this offering...
to the Divine One.
A whore not,
an innocent was,
for whom I seized
a virgin's blood.
[Women Moaning]
Goddess of Light,
Goddess of Lust,
to undo this awful spell
is a real must.
To bring you life
and get you high,
I offer the sweat
of five men's thighs.
- [Sighs]
- [Women Sighing]
O Diana,
O Great One,
we live without sun...
until this wicked curse
is undone.
In hope that you appear,
I have collected
a year's worth of tears.
[Women Crying, Moaning]
Goddess Diana,
fail you, I will.
- I was to bring you
fresh sperm from my Bill.
- [All Moaning]
I had him erect,
and his semen would follow,
but alas, I was hot,
so hot that I swallowed.
[All Screaming, Gasping]
You stupid witch!
- You swallowed the sperm? You did?
- Why didn't you use your hands?
Well, it just goes to show you what an
amazing lack of control you have, Eva.
[Topless Blonde] Didn't
your mama teach you not to put
them things in your mouth?
- I understand, though.
- [Athena] Eva,
you got one hour
to find me some sperm,
- one hour to show me...
- [Sobbing]
What kind of witch
you can be.
- You hear me?
- Uh-huh.
- [Knocking At Door]
- [Man] Ted, the bellhop.
Mr. Bellboy,
come right in.
Okay, mister.
Here is your $50 tip,
only you have to do
one more thing.
You have to make
our little Eva smile.
- [Sniffling]
- [Athena] We'll leave you alone.
[Growls]
[Whispers]
Don't use your mouth.
Oh.
[Squeaking]
[Whimpers, Squeaks]
Help me out here.
I've got to earn this 50 bucks.
Look, they don't care
if I smile or not.
They just want...
You wouldn't understand.
Try me.
I've been around
a bit, you know.
Well,
the five of us...
Athena, Jezebel, Raven,
Elspeth and me... are a coven.
- Like a coven of witches.
- Yes.
- Oh.
- You see,
for 40 years
we've been trying to...
reverse an evil spell
that was placed on our goddess Diana.
She was a beautiful virgin,
an entertainer by trade
but a great sorceress by design.
It was here in this very room
on her wedding night...
that a jealous rival
placed this curse on Diana.
Her husband was turned
into a pink fish,
while our dear goddess...
a stone
in her honeymoon bed.
This was Diana.
- [Eva] She's the blonde.
- Ah. Right.
[Ted]
Hmm.
Well.
[Chuckles]
Ooh.
[Chuckles]
Say.
[Chuckling]
Oh.
Well.
Hate to tell you this,
but, uh,
I kinda doubt
she was a virgin.
[Eva] She had lovers,
but she saved that for marriage.
If she doesn't get his goop
in ten minutes, I'm gonna go
in there and get it myself.
[Chuckles]
That'd be a first for you.
[Gasps]
You mean, you were
supposed to bring, uh...
And you...
[Gulps]
Eewhh.
And now...
you're my last chance.
W-Whoa.
Uh-uh.
No way.
Nope.
Besides,
it's against hotel policy.
I was warned.
"No sex with the clientele."
Oh.
See, what I really
wanna do is be a midwife.
I've attended
four births already.
I can prevent vaginal tears
and everything.
Really? That's good.
Yes. A fella doesn't like
too many surprises down there.
I joined the coven to obtain greater
understanding of my feminine powers.
Oh, really?
- Seems to be working.
- You really think so?
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, God.
Betty's gonna kill me.
Who's Betty?
- The boss.
- Oh, good.
Oh, God.
My number in Topanga.
Call me?
Sure, baby. I'll call you.
- What's that used for?
- This is, um... It's a birch branch.
It symbolizes eternal life.
- I'm a woman now.
- Marvelous.
I use this bark for a tea
which assists in astral travel.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I wanna be a witch.
- Great.
- Okay.
- You are.
We did it right there
in the big cauldron.
Great. Great.
Athena.
Goddess Diana,
I offer to you...
the jism of the one
I wooed for you,
so you may live
and know such bliss...
as getting laid
by a guy like this.
[Women Moaning]
So mote it be.
[All]
Three times three times three.
Ah.
[Chuckling]
[Chuckling]
[Ethereal Breathing,
Moaning]
- [Buzzing]
- [Man On Phone] Just a minute! Yeah!
- Room service.
- Wait. W-W-What room is this?
- ## [Disco]
- This is the front desk, sir.
- W-What room we in?
- I don't know, man. I just got here.
I think.
- Look, I thought we were
on the fifth floor.
- All right! 409. Yeah.
[Ted]
Hmm, sir?
Hey, is he
talkin' to me?
- Look, 404. We're in room 404.
- Yeah.
- What do you need, sir?
- What do we need? What do we need?
- Ice. Ice.
- Ice.
- Ice?
- Ice. Yeah, ice!
Right, sir.
I'll be with you momentarily.
Ooh. Disco.
[Knocks On Door]
Hello.
- [Door Creaks Shut]
- Anybody there?
[Man]
What'd you expect, Theodore,
a fuckin' floor show?
- [Pistol Cocks]
- Aah!
Um,
is this room 404?
- [Chomping Pills]
- Obviously I've come
at a very bad time.
Let's not beleaguer the fact
that you have no sense of timing.
The fact is, you're here,
and I couldn't think
of a better time for you...
to introduce me to your beau
than on New Year's Eve.
There's obviously been
a big mistake.
My name is Theodore. Yes.
- I'm the bellhop.
- [Smack]
[Baby Crying]
[Crying Continues]
Yoo-hoo. Lover boy.
Let's cut to the chase,
okay?
Is this about another man
or something?
- [Choking]
- Let's get our ABC's
right here, Theodore.
- Theodore, right?
- [Chokes]
[Croaking]
Ted's better.
Ted. Okay.
Are you saying my wife
cheats on me?
[Wheezes]
Come here.
Theodore.
This is about as intimate
a situation as you can get:
You,
me, Angela here.
Pretty cozy, isn't it?
Now,
I demand an apology.
- [Phone Rings]
- Oh, shit!
[Rings]
What?
[Muffled Muttering]
- Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
- We ain't got no needles here, kid,
just a big fuckin' gun.
- How's that grab ya?
- Shh.
- Ciao, bambino.
- [Hangs Up Phone]
Now...
where was I?
Ah. Ah, yeah.
I remember.
[Man Clears Throat]
Now...
this...
Gimme that. Gimme that.
No. Bad idea.
Say the following.
Come here. Come here.
"I..."
- "I,
- I,
- "Theodore,
- Theodore,
- must humbly..."
- humbleh...
- Humbly! Humbly!
- Humbleh. Humbly.
- "And sincerely...
- And sincerely...
- apologize..."
- polgize...
- Apologize!
- Polgi...
- Apologize.
- Apologize. Apologize.
- "For saying...
- Saying...
saying that I fucked
another man."
- That...
- Saying that I fucked another man!
Saying that I fucked
another man.
Great.
Satisfied?
Uh, do you accept
the fuckin' apology?
[Sighs]
Oh.
You always have to have
the last word, Angela.
Aw, it's just
one way with you.
May I...
Shit, yeah.
Come on, come on. Spit it out.
[Clears Throat] I don't mean to
upset you further, sir,
but I do think she was
trying to say yes.
Are you... condescending
to me, Theodore?
Absolutely not, sir.
Don't you think I noticed
there's a gag in the woman's mouth?
- [Chuckling]
- You know why I know that?
- How, sir?
- Because I put that gag in her mouth!
Don't move
a nose hair.
[Grunting]
Whoa!
Don't be a stranger, Teddy!
Take off your jacket and relax!
- [Muffled Shouting]
- [Water Running In Bathroom]
[Squeals]
What?
- [Muffled Scream]
- [Water Continues]
We don't have time to play charades
here, you asshole. Untie me.
- Listen!
- [Man] Jesus, honey!
- I would appreciate it...
- Where'd you put the Percodan?
If you would tell
that nut case in there...
he's making a big
fucking mistake.
Look, whether
you like it or not,
you are in the middle
of a situation here you cannot
just wish your way out of.
But I've never met
you people before!
You're complete strangers!
Everybody starts out as strangers.
It's where we end up that counts.
- [Man] You being
a good boy, Theodore?
- Quick. He's coming back.
Put the gag back in my mouth.
We play this game all the time.
Play by the rules and you
won't get hurt. Quick.
Come on, put the gag back in my mouth.
Quick! Quick! Quick.
- Remember, don't make him mad.
- [Man] I hope you're
being a good boy, Teddy.
- Oh! Teddy!
- Whoops!
Oh!
I was just
beginning to think...
I could trust you, Theodore.
Just trying to help her
breathe a little.
Well, don't let me
stop you, Teddy.
You don't mind my calling
you Teddy, do you?
No, it's fine.
[Imitating British Accent]
You know, once upon a time...
I had a little bunny rabbit.
His name was Teddy. He looked real cute
nibblin' on Angela's ear.
But you're no bunny rabbit,
and picturing you do it...
really fuckin' razzes me.
But don't let me stop you.
Nibble, Teddy.
If this is some kind of...
weird voodoo thing...
and you want me to have
sex with your wife,
there's absolutely no way.
Start nibblin', motherfucker!
- Now! Now!
- [Metal Crashes]
Oh.
[Chuckles]
That's it.
Hop like a bunny.
[Clears Throat]
Don't be shy.
Good boy.
What's the problem,
Sparky?
No whiz left in the cheese?
- Look, I'm not playing
this game anymore.
- [Man Exhales]
It'll be over soon.
Then you can go home
to Mommy,
- Theodore.
- Ted!
The name's Ted.
Yes, my mother did me the disservice
of naming me Theodore,
and I haven't a clue as to how
you know that, because
everybody who knows that...
is thousands
of fucking miles away.
Have you any idea,
the faintest idea,
what it's like to arrive
at school and find yourself
surrounded by the maladjusted?
And there you stand.
Little Lord Fauntleroy.
Ever worn a bonnet?
Give it a try sometime.
So shoot me now,
because no one is ever...
going to call me...
Theodore again,
let alone...
Theo...
the Thumper.
Wow.
[Hands Clasp]
Sigfried.
What?
That's my name.
- Sigfried.
- Sigfried?
Nice to meet ya.
Very impressive,
Ted.
- Thank you.
- It's a deal, kid.
Ted it will be.
Whew.
[Muffled Squealing]
Hmm?
[Gasping]
My heart! Aah!
[Muffled Screaming]
My... nitro pills
in the bathroom! Quick!
[Muffled Shouting]
[Groaning]
[Sigfried]
Hurry!
Next to the condoms!
They may be in my medicine bag!
This is it!
Oh, this is the big one,
Angie!
Dear God!
Someone turn on
the lights!
- Nitro. Nitro. Nitro.
- Oh, baby, I got the chills!
I can't feel my leg!
It's fucked up!
[Moaning]
Nitro! Where's the fuckin'
white lightning?
Can't live without my...
Ooh!
[Grunts]
- [Flushes]
- Help me!
- [Sigfried] No time to take
a leak! I'm dyin', here!
- Help! Help!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
## [Humming]
[Chuckling]
Good evening.
Ah.
[Clears Throat]
[Grunting]
[Exhales]
I'm stuck
in a situation here...
which I couldn't possibly
begin to explain.
What I was wondering:
Do you think you could, uh,
call the police, sir?
Are you all right,
sir? Sir?
[Grunts]
Ice.
- [Vomits]
- [Toilet Flushes]
[Ted]
Yoo-hoo. Sigfried.
- Oh, my God! Sigfried!
- [Muffled Shouting]
[Ted]
Angela!
[Muffled Shouting]
[Grunting]
[Muffled]
Ohh! Ohh!
[Panting]
Where is the fucking nitro?
- Couldn't find it.
- What do you mean,
you couldn't find it?
Untie me! I'll find it!
It's your fault he's so upset!
Now he's dying!
I'll get some help!
Aah!
I tie a pretty good knot,
don't I, Ted?
- Sigfried!
- [Chuckling]
[Gasps]
Thank God, you're okay!
- You bastard.
- [Both Gasp]
Aw, honey.
Don't get mad. It was just
a little test, and I'm glad that
I did it, because now I know...
you love me forever,
truly...
and deeply.
If the simple fact that I didn't want
your bloated, dead body...
lying out on the floor is love,
then no wonder we find ourselves
as we are at this very moment.
Oh, no. I heard genuine care in your
voice. Can't be denied, can it, Ted?
I think you're right,
and if you just keep this kind
of open dialogue going,
I think you'll go a long way
to resolving this misunderstanding.
You'd be surprised what happens
if people just listen...
without succumbing
to all that pain and anger.
You heard shit, monkey boy.
Easy for you to say after you
fuck another man's wife.
- [Gasps]
- You should at least have
the guts to stand behind...
your convictions.
She's lying, Sigfried.
I swear to God.
You know, when I think
of all the times you were inside me...
promising me a better life,
it makes me wanna puke.
[Whimpers]
[Ted]
Why are you doing this to me?
What have I ever done
to you people?
What didn't you do,
stick man?
Unfortunately, you don't have
the balls to back up
the actions of your huge cock.
No, no, no.
[Chuckling Nervously]
- He's got a huge cock?
- [Chuckles]
[Chuckling]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Show it to me.
- It's not that big. [Chuckling]
Put it this way: God made up for what
he did to Gumby with Teddy here.
Show it to me!
- [Whimpers]
- Show him your cock, Theodore.
- [Squeaks]
- Please stop talking about his cock!
Well, it's hard to stop talking
about something that's so huge.
I mean, I could go
on and on about his cock,
his bone,
- his knob,
- Shh.
- [Gasping]
- His bishop,
wang, thang, rod, hot rod,
humpmobile,
Oscar, dong,
dagger, banana,
[Muffled]
Cucumber, salami,
sausage, kielbasa,
schlong,
- dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, peter,
- [Moaning]
Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener,
pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn,
middle leg, third leg,
meat,
[Muffled]
Stick, joystick, dipstick,
- one-eyed wonder, Junior, little head,
- [Bell Rings]
Little guy, Rumple Foreskin,
Tootsie Roll,
love muscle, skin flute,
- [Sigfried Moaning]
- Roto-Rooter, snake...
[Sigfried]
Please don't go!
[Door Slams]
- [Sigfried Sobbing]
- [Angela] Hammer, rammer, Spammer,
bazooka, rubber, chubby,
sticky, stubby.
Hey, do you know where
room 404 is, man,
'cause I was up
at this party, and...
I have absolutely no idea!
[Sputtering]
Oh.
[Angela] Schmeck, schmuck,
schvantz, ying-yang, yang...
- [Man] Whoa! I'm Theodore.
- [Sigfried] What?
[Angela] Well,
you're right on time, Theodore.
[Sigfried]
Let's not beleaguer the fact...
that you have
no sense of timing.
The fact is...
[Pistol Cocks]
You're here.
[Buzzing]
[Buzzing Continues]
Front desk.
Bottle of champagne.
Fast.
Stand still.
I said stand still.
You're gonna ruin your suit.
Come here. Come here.
Gimme that.
Let me see.
There. There, you see?
You see?
Huh? You look good
with your hair back like this.
Like me. Like me.
Not down and to the side,
all stupid...
like your mother
likes to comb it.
No. No.
- Like this. [Grunts]
- [Whispers] Ow.
- [Grunts]
- [Winces]
[Growling]
Gimme this.
[Grunts]
Impossible.
You've got your mother's hair.
You can't do anything with it.
There. Go. Go.
[Wincing]
How did you get your hair
in such a tangled mess, huh?
There. Go. Finished.
[TV Clicks On]
Are we gonna
have fun tonight?
I didn't think so.
Hey.
What about leaving
the kids here?
- Hmm?
- Here in the room, all by themselves?
No, with the television.
Hmm?
You wanna have fun tonight,
don't you?
Yes.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
[Sirens Wailing In Distance]
Hey.
You kids are gonna
stay here watching TV.
I want you to be in bed
and asleep before 12:00.
- [Whispers] Twelve.
- Your mother and I
will be back later on,
maybe.
Don't misbehave.
- [Door Closes]
- [Exhales]
Why did we have to get all dressed up
if we're not going with them?
I don't know.
- What are you doing?
- I'm escaping.
It stinks in here
anyway.
What did I say?
Behave.
Yes, Papa.
The champagne
you ordered, sir.
Too late.
Leave it on ice.
But I want some now.
There'll be plenty for you
at the party, baby.
You can bomb yourself
all you want at the party.
Put it down. Put it down.
All right.
- You want 500 bucks?
- Sure.
- How about three?
- Three hundred dollars?
- Yeah.
- Three's fine.
Good. My children are staying
here tonight watching TV.
I want you to check up
on them every 30 minutes.
- Check up on them?
- Yeah, make sure they're all right.
Make sure they're fed. Make sure
they go to bed. You know, these things.
Sir, I can send out
for a baby-sitting service.
No. I don't trust baby-sitters.
My children are safer alone...
than with some fucked-up
pedophile baby-sitter...
I don't know from
the man in the fucking moon.
What about him? What makes you think
you can trust him?
Tell me that's not
a face you can trust.
I'd love to help you
with your problem, sir,
but unfortunately
I'm here alone tonight.
Hmm.
One hundred, two hundred,
three hundred.
Here you are.
- I thought you said 500.
- No, I said 300.
No, sir. I distinctly
heard you say 500.
- Are you calling me a liar?
- No, sir.
What I'm saying is that you accidentally
forgot that the first thing you said...
But what I last said was 300,
and what you say last is what counts.
- Well, then, if you say 500
one last time, we have a deal.
- You fucking with me, pendejo?
No, sir, but I'm by myself,
and looking after your kids
is a pain in the ass I don't need.
[Whispers] Are you calling my kids
a pain in the ass?
Why, no, sir, not the kids.
It's the situation
that is a pain in the ass.
No, you were right the first time.
They're a pain in the ass.
All right. You win, tough guy.
Five hundred.
You kids
are getting expensive.
What's your name?
Ted.
If you need anything,
just dial zero and ask for Ted.
- And make sure they're
in bed before midnight.
- Before midnight?
Then should I wake them up
for the countdown to the New Year?
[Both]
No.
If something happens
to my children...
- [Chuckling]
- [Chuckling]
I wouldn't want to be you.
Don't misbehave.
Let's get out of here.
[Elevator Bell Dings]
[Bell Dings]
Okay.
These are the rules.
Don't break the rules
and I won't break your necks.
I always wanted to say that.
Someone said that to me
when I was a kid.
Only they weren't joking.
The rules are simple:
Don't do anything you wouldn't do
if your parents were here.
If there's an emergency, call me on the
phone like your dad said. Thank you.
That's not what he said.
He said to call you if we need anything.
Well, I have a lot of work to do,
and I can't have you calling me...
every time you want
a glass of water, so please,
try and limit your calls
to emergencies only.
- Thank you.
- We paid you $500.
We'll call you
if we need anything.
You don't wanna
get my dad mad.
Oh. Well, try and call
only when necessary.
Watch TV, and if you're good,
I'll bring you up
some milk and cookies.
Bye, now.
[Sniffing]
Your feet stink.
[Sniffs]
They don't stink.
[Clicking, Static Hisses]
Check it out! T and A!
Change it. You're not
supposed to watch this.
- We're supposed to watch TV.
- Not this kind of TV.
Change it.
Leave me alone. Ouch.
Ouch.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Buzzing]
Front desk.
- Ted?
- What did I tell you?
Don't bother me and you'll get
milk and cookies. Now, do you
want them or do you not?
I want you to turn off
the nudie station in our room.
I cannot turn on an adult
station without the express
permission of your parents.
No, not turn it on.
Turn it off.
- It's already on.
- Whoa.
- [Beeps]
- That's not what the machine tells me.
Well, stop listening
to the machine and listen to me.
There's naked ladies dancing on my TV,
and I want 'em off.
Like I said, I'll be up later
to put you both to sleep.
Bye.
Change the channel now!
[Sniffing]
Man, you're the one
with the stinking feet.
They don't stink.
- Yeah, they do.
- No, they don't.
Here, smell for yourself.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
[Sniffing]
- Get a bottle opener.
- [Laughter On TV]
[TV Clicks Off]
Don't shake it.
[Buzzing]
- Front desk.
- Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah.
Who died? No one?
Good. Then don't call me.
I just thought I'd tell you that your
cleaning ladies are doing a bum job.
There's all kinds of leftover stuff
here: Needles and things.
We're not supposed
to have needles, are we?
I mean, they don't come
with the room, do they?
Send someone up here
to clean this place up right.
I told you not to shake it!
I gotta go. My dumb brother
just exploded the champagne
all over the room.
Oh, and bring us up
a couple of toothbrushes.
There's a card in the bathroom
that says you'll bring us free
toothbrushes if we ask for them.
I'm calling a room.
Give me three numbers.
- Four... zero... nine.
- [Dialing Phone]
- Hello?
- [Sigfried] What?
Hi. You don't know me,
and I don't know you either,
but do you have
any needles?
We have needles here,
and I was wondering if they come
with the room or not.
[Sigfried] We ain't got
no needles here, kid.
- No?
- Just a big fuckin' gun.
Just checking.
This is the bull's-eye.
It's worth 100 points.
This is worth ten points.
This is worth 20 points.
This is worth... Hey, wait 'til
I get out of the way!
This is how
an expert throws it.
Hello, kiddie-winkies.
I brought your milk and cookies.
You're going to have
to eat them now, because...
you're going to sleep.
We have
to go to sleep now?
Your parents said to put
you to bed before midnight.
Well...
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Maybe this way
you'll leave me alone.
Those aren't
milk and cookies.
Well, we ran out
of cookies,
so I brought you
milk and saltines.
Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat.
You're going to bed.
[Spits]
They're old.
Dip them in the milk.
The milk will make them soft.
[Spits]
No crackers?
Sleepy time. Now, I don't
want you wandering around,
so if you need
the rest room...
[Water Running,
Children Brushing Teeth]
[Sniffs]
[Sniffs]
What about our pajamas?
You wanna look nice in case
there's an earthquake, don't you?
- [Both] Yeah.
- Well, then, stay in those clothes.
This is some
Mentholatum ointment.
Now, under the covers and close
your eyes, and I'll tell you a story.
Your dad says he hates baby-sitters,
doesn't trust 'em.
Well, can't say
I blame him, really.
You know what my baby-sitter
did to me when I was a kid?
I used to hate
going to sleep.
You know, when it's late,
you wanna get up, run around, go crazy.
Well, what my baby-sitter
used to do to me...
to make sure I'd stay in bed,
not be tempted to get up,
was she'd take some of
this vapor rub ointment...
- [Coughing]
- [Sniffs]
And she'd dab a little
on each eyelid...
just to make sure
I'd stay put.
There.
Now you have some too.
Don't open your eyes
or it'll burn, burn, burn.
- What about in the morning?
- Well, if you keep...
your eyes shut tight all night,
it'll wear off by morning,
but don't open them before then.
Did you ever
open your eyes?
Yes, I did,
and look at me now.
- [Both] We can't.
- Exactly. Good.
You'll do fine.
Sleep tight all night...
and I won't tell your parents
about the champagne.
Good night.
[Skyrockets Whistling,
Crowd Cheering]
[Fireworks Continue]
Are you watching TV?
Yep. If you wanna watch,
you better go wash your face.
[Fireworks Continue,
Dogs Barking On TV]
- Unh!
- Be careful.
[Cartoon Character On TV]
Gimme that!
[Water Running]
[Sniffs]
[Sniffs]
[Fireworks Continue]
Ah.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- [Sniffs]
[Screaming]
[Screaming Continues]
- [Buzzing]
- [Whispering] Shut up.
You! Shut up!
Shut up!
- Ted!
- What do you want now,
for Christ sakes? Who died?
I don't know,
but she's in my bed.
- What?
- There's a dead body in my bed.
Nonsense! That's just
your brother sound asleep!
No! There's a woman's dead body
inside the bed in the mattress.
- You saw the body?
- Yes!
Impossible! You've got
the ointment on your eyes.
Ya can't see shit!
Now go to sleep!
[Buzzing]
- Go to sleep!
- I washed it off.
- The Mentholatum?
- Yeah. Didn't you ever
think to do that?
Get your ass up here
and call the police,
because there's a dead body in
my bed, and it smells like shit,
and it looks even worse.
If you don't help us, my dad is going to
lay you down right next to her,
I swear to fucking God!
- I am coming up there
right this minute!
- [Dial Tone]
If there is no dead body
in that room by the time I get
up there, I'm gonna make one!
- You...
- [Dial Tone]
Little bitch.
Ah, shit!
## [Humming]
[Elevator Bell Dings]
Cover it up.
Cover it up.
Thank you.
[Whimpering]
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
is going on here?
Your parents are
on their way up here.
And I am not taking responsibility
for this mess!
- Check under the mattress.
- For what?
- For the body. Can't you smell it?
- It's your feet.
Fucking Christ!
What the fuck is that?
Police! It's an emergency!
[Elevator Bell Dings]
Police! Get someone over here
right fucking now.
- There's a dead whore
stuffed in the mattress!
- Don't call her that.
Shut up!
I'm dead fucking serious.
- There's a dead
fucking whore stuffed...
- Stop calling her that!
In the fucking bed!
Fuck!
[Whimpering]
[Whimpering Continues]
[Whimpering Continues]
# If your pad is a wax museum #
[Ted Screaming]
# The young and exotic #
# Following a millionaire #
# A glass and a shaker #
# Our host is
a real scene maker #
# The millionaire's holiday #
# The millionaire's holiday #
# The millionaire's holiday ##
Did they misbehave?
[Fireworks Crackling]
[Elevator Bell Dings]
[Muttering]
Emergency?
[Muttering Continues]
Just...
[Automatic Gunfire
On TV]
[Beeping On TV]
[Phone Ringing]
Happy New Year.
- Let me speak to Betty.
- Uh, party's over.
She probably went home.
- She lives there!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her.
Well, then get her on the phone.
Tell her it's an emergency.
Who... Who should
I say is calling?
You tell her it's Teddy
from work on the phone.
I got some major
fucking emergency.
Hi, Ted.
I'm Margaret.
You sound down. Has this not been
the happiest of New Years?
No, Margaret. This hasn't been
my happiest New Year.
This one's starting off
pretty fucking badly.
- Aw, how come?
- Well, Betty...
leaves me here all by myself,
and first thing right off the bat,
I'm fucked
by a coven of witches.
You were fucked
by an oven full of witches?
A coven of witches!
Not an oven!
Well, one witch
in particular.
Was she an old hag with a mole on
her face with hair growing out of it?
No, no, she was
very beautiful.
[Gasps]
Ted? What's the problem?
Well, admittedly, that was
the best part of the evening.
It was pretty
bloody good actually.
But it's still a pretty unnerving way
to start off the night.
Sounds like a pretty great way
to start off the night to me.
- Why don't we just
skip over the witches?
- Skipping the witches.
Right. Later,
in another room,
some crazy fucking maniac
sticks a gun in my face...
and forces me to play out
some psychosexual drama with his wife.
He made you have
psycho sex with his wife?
No, he didn't make me fuck his wife.
He thought I fucked his wife.
- He held me at gunpoint
with a loaded gun!
- What kind of gun was it?
I don't know.
I'm not a gun guy. It was big.
- Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?
- Yeah, sort of like that, yeah.
Did it have a real long barrel
or a short barrel?
What difference
does it make?
Well, for one thing, it's a difference
between a.44 Magnum and a Magnum.357.
Who the fuck cares whether it was a
.44 or a.392? It was a big fucking gun!
It was loaded! And it was pointed
right at my fucking head!
- You wanna skip this part too?
- I want you to get Betty on
the phone right fucking now.
Hold on.
Anybody live here named...
What's her name again?
- Betty.
- Betty!
Whatcha
screaming about?
- You're Betty?
- Yeah, I'm Betty.
It's my fucking place.
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'm Margaret. And this is Ted.
[Video Game Continues]
- You guys, wanna go to breakfast?
- No.
- Let's go to Denny's.
- Later.
- Okay, Ted, what's the problem?
- Hello, Betty.
"What's the problem?"
I haven't got a problem.
- I've got fucking problems.
Plural. Wanna hear?
- Sure.
Well, most recently,
there's room 309.
There's this scary Mexican gangster
dude pokin' his finger in my chest.
There's his hooligan kids
snapping their fingers at me.
There's a putrid, rotting corpse
of a dead whore stuffed
in the springs of the bed.
There's rooms blazing afire.
There's a big fat needle
from God knows where,
stuck in my leg, infecting me
with God knows what.
And finally, there's me, walkin'
out the door right fuckin' now.
- Buenas noches.
- [Buzzing]
- Is that the penthouse?
- [Buzzing]
- Yes, it is.
It's the Chester Rush party.
They want something.
Well, tough titty. They're just gonna
have to whistle, because I'm off.
Now, Ted, wait a minute.
I know you're freaked.
I know you're stressed.
You had a real bad night.
- Oh, yes, Betty.
I've had a real bad night.
- [Buzzing Continues]
The only thing I ask is that
you take care of Chester Rush,
and then you can leave.
- I don't feel like it!
- Ted, he's a very important
guest of the hotel.
In fact, he's the most
important guest of the hotel.
The Mon Signor used to be
a haven for movie stars.
Through the Thirties, Forties
and first half of the Fifties,
more movie stars, if you break it down
on a night-by-night basis,
stayed at the Mon Signor than
any other hotel in Hollywood.
Now, we had some hard times
in the Eighties,
even though we were the official
hotel of Cannon Pictures,
but we're comin' back strong
in the Nineties.
And a movie star clientele
is important to that comeback.
- Now, you look here...
- He probably just wants some champagne.
You can do that, can't you?
Ted. Just take care of him.
The entire staff of
the Mon Signor is begging you.
- Okay. But you get your ass
down here pronto!
- [Buzzing Continues]
- You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.
- [Phone Slams Onto Receiver]
[Buzzing Continues]
Hello, Mr. Rush.
Sorry for the delay.
How can I help you?
[Elevator Bell Dings]
[Man] Get your skanky asses
the fuck outta here!
[Elevator Bell Dings]
[Murmurs]
Room service.
Hello, Theodore.
- What the f-fuck are you doing here?
- Havin' a drink.
Is Sigfried here?
Are you kidding? He'll probably
be asleep 'til Christmas.
Hey, everybody.
The bellboy is here.
- [Man] The bellboy's here!
- [Man] Oh, my God! Shit!
- Happy New Year!
- Entra! Entra!
Hey, bellboy!
- [Sighs]
- [Man Laughing]
Mr. Rush,
I'm sorry I'm late.
But I, I think you'll find
I have everything you need.
No problema, el bellboy.
No problema.
- His name is Theodore.
- Actually, it's not Theodore. It's Ted.
- It's Ted, sir.
- So, Ted, the bellboy,
would you care for some champagne
as I was saying?
All right, that wasn't
what I was saying.
- But would you care for some champagne?
- Um, I'm on duty, sir.
Duty, smooty, come on. It's like
Cristal. It's the very best they make.
I didn't like champagne
'til I had Cristal. Now I love it.
- Come on!
- If I must, sir.
- Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin.
- Chin-chin.
For our purposes, promptness
is far behind thoroughness.
Drink up, lad.
- [Sighs] What do you say?
- Ah, thank you, sir.
No, not thank you. What do you say
about the tasty beverage?
Um, oh,
it's very good.
It's fucking good, Ted.
Fucking good!
- Let's try it again, shall we?
- Got a light?
Okay, so, Ted, what do you think
about that tasty beverage?
[Clears Throat]
It's fucking good!
It's fucking Cristal.
Everything else is piss.
[Man] Bellboy.
Bellboy. Bellboy!
Shut up. Shut up! Shh! Shut up!
You're makin' my friend Ted nervous.
Chill out, dude.
Pay no attention to Norman here.
He's just... That's from Quadrophenia.
He's just fuckin' with you.
Now me, personally,
when I think of bellboy,
I think of The Bellboy
with Jerry Lewis.
- Did you ever see that film, Ted?
- Um... no, sir.
Oh, you should. It's one
of Jerry's better movies.
He doesn't say a word
through the entire film.
It's a completely
silent performance.
Now how many actors
can pull that off?
I gotta tell you, that guy,
he's gotta go to France to get respect.
That says it all
about America right there.
Just that one little sentence says
it all about America right there.
The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every
newspaper in this fuckin' country...
is gonna be writin' articles
callin' the man a genius.
It's not right. It's not right
and it's not fuckin' fair!
But why should that surprise
anybody? When the hell has
America ever been fair?
We might be right every once in awhile,
but we're very rarely fair.
Oh. Um... where
shall I put this, sir?
You in a hurry there, Ted?
Uh, well, um...
Not particularly.
Good there! Okay, then gotta stop
playin' "Beat the Clock."
Okay. Let me introduce you to everybody.
Now, see that girl over there?
All right, that's
our friend from downstairs.
We just met her at the pool.
You seem to be acquainted.
Yeah, Theodore and I go
way back, don't we, Theodore?
[Clears Throat]
Actually, the name's Ted, Angela.
I only let people with loaded guns
pointed at my head call me Theodore.
The man sittin' in this chair
with the Jim Beam in his hand,
yellin' "Bellboy" at you
is Norman.
- Norman, say hello to Ted.
- [Blowing Party Favor]
- What's up, Ted?
- What's up, sir?
And the sociable son of a bitch
in that room over there is Leo.
And the person on the other end of
the phone is his lovely wife Ellen.
- Leo!
- What?
- Say hello to Ted the bellboy.
- Hold on a second. What?
- Say hello to Ted the bellboy.
- Here. Come here.
- [Chuckles]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Leo, Leo, Leo, L-Leo, L-Leo!
- Leo, that is Ted the bellboy.
- That's me.
The bellboy we called
about 20, 25 minutes ago.
Oh, Ted the bellboy.
Well, my goodness.
- Glad you could make it, chum.
- Glad I could be here.
- [All Chuckling]
- Ellen, what does punctuality
have to do with love?
- Which brings me to me.
- Could you explain that to me, please?
Chester Rush, Ted.
Pleased to meet ya.
- I'm pleased to meet you, sir.
- Oh, Chester.
Not "sir."
Chester.
- Chester? Oh, Chester.
- [Chuckles]
Um, terribly sorry I haven't
seen the movie yet, sir, but...
No worries.
No worries at all.
Don't worry.
Don't be sorry about that.
You know, it's just, that's
why God invented video. No problem.
- You got a point, sir.
- But you know what?
A lot of people did see it. Whole lot
of motherfuckers saw that movie.
- Didn't they? Didn't they?
- A whole lot...
- Lot of motherfuckers
saw The Wacky Detective.
- [Blows Party Favor]
The Wacky Detective, sir.
- Who drank out of this bottle last?
- Uh?
I said, "Who drank out
of this bottle last?"
- What the fuck's wrong?
- It's fuckin' flat, man.
That's what's fuckin' wrong.
Goddamn Cristal is fuckin' flat.
There ain't a goddamn bubble
left in the fuckin' bottle, man.
- Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is goin' on here?
- Chill out, man.
Who fuckin'... Who... Fuck...
Who didn't put the cork in the bottle?
All right? Somebody!
I didn't do this!
I was drinkin' out of
that other bottle there.
Somebody didn't put the fuckin' cork
in the bottle. Who didn't put it in?
- Chester, do you want me to open
another bottle of champ...
- Who didn't put it in?
Do you want me to open
another bottle of champagne?
No, don't you fuckin'
open another bottle!
I-I-I got enough right here.
Fucking shit, man.
God, we've opened
enough fucking bottles!
- Do you know how much this shit
costs? No! You don't.
- Yes, I do.
No! You don't!
No! You don't!
'Cause it's fucking free, man. It's just
fucking free to you fucking assholes.
Shit. I give and I give
and I give and I give and I give.
- [Laughing]
- [Sighs] What was I talkin' about?
- [Party Favor Blows]
- Um, you were saying
that The Wacky Detective...
was a very popular movie.
Yes, it was. And it was popular...
very, very popular... before video.
It was popular before foreign!
It was popular before p-pay TV.
And before free TV.
Before all that shit!
- The Wacky Detective was making...
- Ellen, I'm sorry, okay?
Leo! Leo. What was the final take
on domestic?
$72.1 million.
- $72.1 million.
- Ellen, I'm sorry.
That's fucking asses
in fucking seats.
You know, it's not your fault.
I mean, they hit you both barrels.
But you know, fuck, you know, I just
would like a little consideration.
And my new one,
The Dog Catcher,
which, by the way, is testing
right through the ceiling,
all right, is projected
to gross a hundred.
- The Dog Catcher.
- The Dog Catcher, Chester.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
- That's the good stuff.
Now, take a look at some of
these goodies you brought us, okay?
- Um, f-far be it...
Far be it for me, uh, Chester...
- Uh-huh.
But I was just wondering if you could
tell me, what is all that stuff for?
Hey, one thing at a time, man.
I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny.
- So let's not jump ahead.
- Very good, sir.
Norman, Norman, Norman, come on,
come on. I think you might want
to look at some of this shit.
Hey, you damn skimpy.
All right, men.
[Ted Laughs]
All right, man.
Tell it.
A block of wood.
Continue.
- Three nails.
- Why three nails?
That's how many Peter Lorre
asked for. Continue, Ted.
A ball of twine.
Well, that is definitely
a ball of twine. Continue!
- A bucket... of ice.
- [Ice Clattering]
- You into it?
- I'm into it.
All right.
Go on!
- A doughnut.
- That's for me.
[Mumbles]
- A club sandwich.
- That is mine.
[Clears Throat]
And... a hatchet!
"A hatchet as sharp as the devil
himself," is what I asked for.
Well, sir... Chester...
you be the judge.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll be the judge.
- Careful, sir.
- What do you think?
It's a sharp
motherfucker.
Forget the nails and the twine.
Bring all this other bullshit
over to the bar. Come on.
- Let's go. Pronto, man.
- You heard him, Ted. Go ahead.
- Right you are, sir.
- Norman? Yeah?
[Leo] Yes, it's my job.
Yes, it's my fucking job. You know that.
He wanted to stay out late. I can't...
I went to the Monkey Bar, all right?
- [Chester, Norman, Indistinct]
- [Leo] Don't yell... I'm not yelling!
Hey! I'm not yellin'!
You're the one that's fuckin' yellin'!
Fuck... Don't hang up on me!
Ellen, please don't hang up on
me. Please don't hang up on me.
Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God,
if you hang up on me...
You cock-fucking New York bitch.
Fuckin' call better be genuine,
'cause I'm gonna get a divorce!
- [Norman] Yo, Leo?
- Fuck!
- Another fucking Honeymooners
goin' on in there.
- Fuckin', fuckin' shit, man!
What the fuck is wrong... What the fuck
is wrong with the fuckin' bitch, man?
I'm gonna take the fuckin' car. I'm
gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland.
I am gonna fuckin' drag her
fuckin' ass and throw her down
Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man!
- You're still married, man?
- Yeah. I don't fucking know anymore.
I swear to Christ, Norman.
I fuckin' swear to God, man.
What the fuck is wrong...
I treat this fuckin' bitch like
a queen! You know that, man.
- I know that.
- So I had a little
fuckin' too much to drink!
It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's
Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home.
Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry.
I'm fuckin' sorry about that.
What do you want me to do?
Get in a fuckin' car, and go run
over six or seven fuckin' kids?
That'd be real fuckin' nice.
Man, what the fuck is the matter
with this bitch? [Sighs]
Fuck!
What the fuck
is all this?
Block of wood, bucket
of ice and a hatchet, sir.
Get the fuck outta here.
Chester, talk to me. Norman?
We now return you to
The Man From Rio already in progress.
Oh, my fucking dick
is hard already.
- Tell me, Norman,
you're gonna do this shit!
- [Norman Laughing]
- [Norman] I am gonna do it.
- Oh, you are my fuckin' hero.
They better, after talkin' about it
all night. I wanna see a show.
- [Norman] Come here.
Give me your motherfuckin'...
- All right then.
- Well, if that's everything.
- [Leo] I got Cedars lined up, man.
I got a doctor waitin'
in the fuckin' emergency.
[Norman] Fuck the
emergency, man. I'm gonna grab
his motherfucking car from him.
Just in case.
Hey, just in fucking case.
- I'll just be off back downstairs, sir.
- Not so fast.
- Fuckin' treat that bitch
like a queen, man.
- We're gonna walk back...
- to this little bar here.
- I told you to dump her, didn't I?
We're gonna sit down, 'cause
we ain't quite through yet.
Leo. Sit on this little red stool.
Sit down on this little red stool,
while I explain the festivities
of the evening to you.
- All right.
- Um, sir?
- Uh-huh.
- A word in your ear, sir.
- Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
- Excusez-moi.
- I treat that bitch like a queen, man.
- Chester.
That shit don't help,
treating a woman like a queen.
- I'm fuckin' working.
- As long as you
don't break up the furniture,
I don't give a fuck
what you do.
- Took all your money.
Gonna take your kids and house.
- As far as I'm concerned,
go ahead, trash the place!
Oh, but, look, let me explain
what we're talkin' about.
Sir, sir, you don't have
to explain anything to me.
Whatever constitutes a good
time, as far as you guys are
concerned, that's your business.
Well, no, it's your business too, Ted,
because we want you to take part.
- [Tooting]
- Take part in what, sir?
Chester, your way of breakin'
the news to him gently is
scarin' the fuck outta him.
- Think so?
- Just spit it out.
Okay, okay, here we go.
Okay.
Thing is, Ted,
first off,
there's nothing homosexual
about what we want you to do.
I mean, I was thinkin'
you might be thinkin'...
that we want you to do somethin'
like weird sex thing,
you know, like, suck us off,
pee on us, shit like that.
Nothing, nothing could be
further from the truth.
- Can I just jump in here for a second?
- No. No.
My kind of way of telling him
is kind of going all around the world.
- But it's the journey that's worth it.
- Yeah, well, I see that.
But he's been here for 15
minutes and you have, you know,
talked about everything but...
- What do you care?
- Why don't you just shut
the fuck up, bitch?
- "Bitch"?
- Bitch!
Uh, excuse me, aren't you the one who's
being paid to suck his cock, cork boy?
- Whoa!
- Cork boy, man! Business card!
- I see a new business card.
- [Spoon Tapping Glass]
Excuse me, if it
please the court.
Allow me to present
our intentions to Theodore.
- I second the nomination.
- I move that nomination be closed!
- Thank you.
- The court is yours, Leo.
Thank you very much,
Chester.
- Ted, you ever seen any of them
old Alfred Hitchcock episodes?
- Yes, sir.
You ever see the one called The Man From
Rio with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?
- Uh...
- Ah, if you saw it, you'd remember it.
It's called The Man From Rio
with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen.
Anyway, Peter Lorre makes
a bet with Steve McQueen...
that Steve McQueen can't light his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row.
Now, if Steve McQueen lights his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row,
he wins Peter Lorre's
new car.
But if he does not light his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row,
Peter Lorre gets to chop off
Steve McQueen's little pinky.
Norman and Chester here
just made that same bet.
Norman has bet
his pinky...
that he can light his cigarette lighter
ten times in a row.
If he does,
he wins Chester's
red, fuckin',
beautiful car.
If he doesn't, chop off
his fuckin' pinky. What do you say?
You guys are drunk.
- Yes!
- Of course! Of course we're drunk!
Teddy, that's why we're here,
but that does not mean...
that we don't know what the fuck
we're talking about.
I'm gonna tell you what
the fuck I'm talkin' about.
I'm gonna tell you what the fuck
I'm talkin' about.
I drive a motherfucking Honda
that my sister sold me.
You hear what I'm saying? A little
white motherfuckin' Honda Civic!
You see this shit?
- "Hollywood's hottest new star...
- That's me.
Next to America's
hottest old car."
- That's the car I own.
- Are you listenin' to me? Are you?
Goddamn shit!
Are you listening to me?
Now you take a good long look
at that there machine...
that this motherfucker
over here's standin' next to.
That's a 1964 nigger-red,
ragtop Chevy Chevelle.
And I love that car more than
I love hips, lips or fingertips.
Cut to: We're sittin' here
celebratin', gettin' high,
- drinking champagne...
- Drinking Cristal.
When you're drinking champagne,
you're drinking champagne.
When you're drinking Cristal,
you say you're drinking Cristal.
Whatever that pissity-ass thing is,
we are drinking it, you know.
- And we are watching TV.
- [Murmurs]
What, what? Hey, hey, hey.
When all of a sudden,
[Tongue Clicks]
We flip on Steve McQueen, Peter
Lorre being fuckin' badasses.
- Badass!
- Badasses!
And I look over at this
funny-looking motherfucker over here,
and I say, "I'd do that
for the Chevelle."
- I'm funny.
- And that's when Chester says...
"Oh, really?"
Well, you guys wouldn't be doing
something this stupid unless
you were really fucking drunk.
We already told you
we were drunk, Ted.
That goes without
motherfucking saying.
'Cause if we wasn't drunk,
we'd probably chicken out.
When you're fucked up,
you don't lie.
Man, you tell
the fuckin' truth.
You want to know what
the fuckin' truth is?
The fuckin' truth is, my
lucky Zippo is gonna win me...
Chester's fucking car.
Which brings us to your part
in this little wager, Ted.
I don't have a part, sir.
[Norman, Chester Laughing]
That's it. Like my old granddaddy
used to always say,
"The less a man makes
declarative statements,
the less apt he is to look
foolish in retrospect."
- That's quite brilliant, sir.
- Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thing is, there are some inherent
obstacles in this undertaking.
Aside from the obvious.
First of which is being
the fact that I'm not like
Peter Lorre on that TV show.
I'm not some sick fuck travelin'
the countryside collecting fingers.
All right, you know,
we're all buddies here.
No one wants Norman to lose his finger.
We just want to chop it off.
You know, if fate doesn't
smile on old Norman,
we'll put that fucker on ice,
whisk it right to the hospital,
where in all likelihood they'll be able
to sew it right back on.
Well, hopefully, sir.
Yeah, well, they sewed
that guy's dick back on. They
can sew Norman's pinky back on.
- Yeah, how hard can it be?
- Yeah, good point.
So, Norman, he's,
he's taken care of, you know.
His interests
have been looked after.
My interests,
on the other hand, have not.
I am as emotionally attached to my car
as Norman is physically to his finger.
That's a very fuckin' piece of expensive
machinery I'm putting on this wager.
And, you know, if I lose, I lose.
That's fine. That's no problem.
I have no problem with that.
I'm a big boy. I knew exactly
what the hell I was doing.
But if I win,
I wanna win. All right?
If Norman lights his cigarette lighter
ten times in a fuckin' row,
he's gonna have no emotional problems
whatsoever about taking my car keys.
- [Murmurs]
- But if I win,
well, it's not inconceivable
that at the last minute...
maybe neither Leo or I...
will be able to...
wield the axe.
- A hatchet, sir.
- Wield the hatchet.
Which brings us
full circle to you, Ted.
- [Glass Clatters On Bar]
- Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted.
Complete-stranger Ted.
Impartial Ted.
Just-met-us-and-couldn't-
give-a-fuck-about-us Ted.
We want you
to be the dice man.
Hell of a night, huh, Ted?
I've got to get out of here.
Money!
Ted, I got a $100 bill here
with your name on it,
whether you do
what we ask or not.
Just to sit back down in
that chair for one minute more.
I am not gonna cut off
Norman's little pinky!
Well, maybe you will
and maybe you won't.
But that has nothin' to do
with this $100 bill in my hand.
In fact, you can tell us all
to go fuck off and walk
right out that goddamn door.
But if you wait 60 seconds
before you do it,
you're gonna be $100 richer.
Ted, you're gonna do
whatever you wanna do.
All we're askin' is that you
indulge us for one minute more.
My friend Chester here is willing
to pay you for that minute.
Ted, take the money.
Now, let me get this straight.
I sit on that stool, listen
to what you have to say for 60 seconds,
- and I get $100?
- [Chester] Correct.
And afterwards I can walk out
that door, no hard feelings?
None whatsoever.
You got a deal.
- Yes!
- Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes,!
Ted, good answer.
Sit right down.
All right. Leo,
you be the timekeeper.
Norman, give me
your watch.
Let me know when a minute ends
and when it begins.
- You got it.
- Ah.
- Okay.
- Gentlemen, start your engines.
- Begin.
- Okay, Ted, pay attention here.
I'm gonna make two piles here
on the bar. One pile which is yours.
And another pile
which could be yours.
And what you have to realize
is we're gonna do this thing...
one way or the other.
Whether it's you who holds
the axe or a Mexican maid...
or some bum
we yank off the street.
- You can buy a whole lot
of soup with that pile.
- Shh! I'm the closer here.
All right. I'm a little me...
Um, I've lost count.
- How much is on the bar here?
- [Group] Six hundred.
Okay. Ted, do you know how long it takes
the average American to count to 600?
- [Angela]
It's a rhetorical question, Ted.
- No, sir.
About one minute less than
it takes to count to 700.
Now, Ted, a person's life is filled
with a zillion little experiences.
Some which are insignificant, have no
meaning, and, you know, you forget them.
Others which you remember for
the rest of your natural life.
Now, since what we're proposing
here is so unusual,
so outside the norm,
that this is a good bet
that this is going to be one
of those incidents that sticks.
So, since you're gonna be
stuck remembering this
for the rest of your life,
you have to decide
what that memory will be.
So, Ted, are you going to
remember for the next 40 years,
give or take a decade,
that you refused $1,000
for one second's worth of work?
Or that you made $1,000
for one second's worth of work?
[Leo]
Time!
So, Ted, what's it gonna be?
- Okay.
- [Group] Yes!
[Chester, Leo]
Always be closing!
- Whoo!
- Right here, right now!
Before I change my mind!
Hear, hear.
Go. Let's go.
- Get this shit over and done with.
- Ahh!
Perfect, perfect, perfect. This is
one of those moments in time...
none of us are
ever gonna forget.
- Norman, are you ready?
- I'm ready.
- Ted, are you ready?
- Ready.
Okeydokey.
Norman...
begin.
Aaah!
[Norman] My finger!
My fuckin' finger!
Chester,
my fuckin' finger, man!
He cut off my fuckin' finger!
Oh! It hurts!
[Groans]
## [Singing
Nonsense Syllables]
My fuckin' finger, Chester!
He cut off my fuckin' finger!
Aaah! Oh, Leo!
[All Shouting]
[Chester] Call Cedars, man!
Call fuckin' Cedars!
[Norman]
Wrap it up! Wrap it up!
[Leo] Uh, yes, hi.
Could I talk to Don Levine, please?
[Norman Groaning] Why'd you let me
do this? Why'd you let me do this?
[Groans]
[Leo] What? What do you mean
he's in surgery?
He was expecting my call.
He was supposed to be there.
What? Who the fuck has
plastic surgery at 6:30 in
the morning on New Year's Eve?
## [Singing
Nonsense Syllables]
- Leo! Leo!
- I need you to stand still!
I'll be right back! Hold it!
- Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
- All right!
Oh! Leo!
[All Shouting]
- [Elevator Bell Dings]
- I forgot the finger!
I gotta get the...
It's the finger!
[Norman Groaning]
[Elevator Bell Dings]
I got the finger!
I got it! I got it!
[Leo] Here! I got the finger
right here! You're on it!
Come on, come on!
The fuckin' door's closin'!
Here. Just put
some fuckin' ice in it.
All right, let's go.
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Come on!
Get up, get up!
- I'm gonna go back to my room.
- Are you comin' or not?
- No, it's been fun. I'll see ya.
- [Group] Oh!
[Norman]
Close the fuckin' door!
## [Singing
Nonsense Syllables]
## [Singing
Nonsense Syllables]
## [Singing
Nonsense Syllables]