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Frank McKlusky, C.I. (2002)
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
Man: THE YEAR WAS 1979. MY DAD WAS AT THE TOP OF HIS GAME. HE WAS A THRILL SEEKER, A DAREDEVIL, A MAN WHO, FOR 11 YEARS, WOULD KEEP THE FAMILY NAME SYNONYMOUS WITH SOME OF THE GREATEST STUNTS EVER ATTEMPTED. [ CROWD CHEERING ] MY DAD...WAS NOT THAT GUY. NOPE. WE WERE THE McKLUSKYS. MY DAD WAS THE GRANDSON OF ALBERT McKLUSKY, ONE OF THE GREAT PIONEERS OF -- WELL, STUFF LIKE THIS... AND THIS. OH, AND HERE'S MY FAVORITE. OOH! BAM! ALL THIS CULMINATED WITH MY DAD. HE WAS THE BEST OF THE BUNCH. YEP, WHEN IT CAME TO PERFORMING AT HALF-EMPTY FLEA MARKETS, MY FATHER HAD NO PEER. THERE'S ME, MY MOM, AND MY BABY BROTHER, DARRYL. [ HORN HONKING TUNE ] AND THAT GUY TEETERING DANGEROUSLY ON THE ROOF OF THE VAN... HE ALSO HAPPENED TO BE MY DAD. Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME A MAN THAT EVEL KNIEVEL HIMSELF ONCE CALLED A GODDAMNED CRAZY BASTARD... MADMAN McKLUSKY! WHOOOOAA! [ THUD ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HA HA! HA HA. [ FEEDBACK ] THAT WAS A STUNT! DONE TOTALLY ON PURPOSE! HONEY, WE HAVE TO TALK. HUH? LITTLE FRANK IS TOTALLY OBSESSED. ALL HE DOES IS TALK ABOU YOU AND YOUR ACCIDENTS. A-AND LATELY, WHEN I LOOK IN HIS EYES, I SEE THIS STRANGE -- OOP -- YOU SEE THE McKLUSKY STARE. ALL McKLUSKYS HAVE IT, SON... EXCEPT FOR GRANDPA ELMO McKLUSKY -- BLEW HIS EYEBALLS OU SWALLOWING DYNAMITE AT A CARNIVAL. MAD, I THINK, UH, MAYBE WE SHOULD SCRAP THE JUMP. WHAT? YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD GODDAMNED REASON WHY. THE BOYS AND I -- WE ASSEMBLED THE MOTORCYCLE AT -- AT LUNCHTIME, AND WE'VE BEEN DRUNK SINCE BREAKFAST. WE KIND OF RAN OU OF GASOLINE, SO WE FILLED THE TANK WITH LIGHTER FLUID. JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN ODDS. [ SIGHS ] [ CLICKING ] THERE'S A 99.999% PROBABILITY YOU'RE GONNA EXPLODE. [ GASPS ] GIVE OR TAKE A BEER. [ BURPS ] LITTLE FRANK, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. THERE'S A COUPLE OF REASONS WHY I NEVER LIVE MY LIFE BY THE ODDS. NUMBER ONE, YOU CAN'T EVER ACHIEVE ANYTHING UNLESS YOU TAKE A RISK. AND "B," I AIN'T SO SMAR WITH MATH. Madman: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Crowd chanting: JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! ARE YOU READY FOR THE MADMAN TO...LAUGH AT SAFETY? HA HA! Chanting: JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! [ MOTORCYCLE REVS ] JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! Frank: WHEN I SAW MY DAD TAKE OFF THAT DAY, I KNEW ONE OF TWO THINGS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN -- EITHER THIS JUMP WAS GONNA PUT HIM ALL OVER THE MAP... [ ALL GASP ] ...OR IT WAS GONNA PUT HIM ALL OVER THE PARKING LOT. [ GASPS ] [ SIREN WAILS, TIRES SCREECH ] Woman on PA: X-RAY TECH TO I.C.U. X-RAY TECH TO I.C.U. MRS. McKLUSKY? YES. IT'S YOUR HUSBAND. HE'S IN AN UNCONSCIOUS COMA-TYPE DEAL, BUT WITH SOME OF OUR RADICAL, CUTTING-EDGE TREATMENTS AND, UH, A LITTLE HELP FROM THE MAN UPSTAIRS, I THINK WE CAN REVIVE HIM. THAT IS IF YOUR INSURANCE WERE ANY DAMN GOOD. I SEE IT EVERY WEEK -- SMALL INSURANCE COMPANY GETS HIT WITH SOME PHONY, MISGUIDED CLAIM. THEY DON'T HAVE THE MEANS TO FIGHT, SO THEY FOLD. ANYHOO, MONTY, ED, WANT TO GET ME THE VEGETABLE IN THE JUMPSUI Man: YES, DOCTOR. IN THE BACK THERE? EXCUSE ME. WHAT PHONY, MISGUIDED CLAIM? EXCUSE ME. MY NAME IS RONNIE ROSENGOLD. THIS IS MY BROTHER REGGIE ROSENGOLD. WE'RE OF ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD, ATTORNEYS AT LAW. I'M SORRY. YOU -- YOU GUYS ARE RELATED? YEAH, MY SHI WAS ADOPTED. YES. WE REPRESENT THE CROWD THAT WITNESSED YOUR HUSBAND'S EXPLOSION TODAY. AND WELL, WE'VE FILED A RATHER [LAUGHS] NASTY CLASS-ACTION SUI AGAINST YOU. BUT FOR WHAT? YOU NEVER HEARD OF 'MOTIONAL STRESS AND SHIT? DO YOU REALIZE MY HUSBAND IS NOT RECEIVING PROPER MEDICAL TREATMEN BECAUSE OF YOUR FRIVOLOUS LAWSUIT? MOVING ON... SINCE MADMAN TECHNICALLY WAS NEVER AIRBORNE, WE'RE ALSO SUING YOU FOR FALSE ADVERTISING. MM-HMM. UH-HUH. THAT'S RIGHT. BROTHERS DON'T PLAY. WE WANT THE MON-EY. YEAH. Frank: AS FOR ME, THAT'S WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED. MON-EY, HON-EY. HA HA HA. WHOO! HA HA. YES! Frank: HEY, I CAN DO THE JUMP, MOM. NO! I WILL NOT LET I HAPPEN AGAIN. I WON'T SIT BY AND LET YOU OR LITTLE DARRYL FOLLOW IN YOUR FATHER'S FOOTSTEPS. [ DOORS OPEN ] [ STEAM HISSING ] I SWEAR...MY FAMILY IS ALWAYS GONNA BE SAFE. [ BIRDS CHIRPING ] Frank: WELL, MOM KEPT HER WORD. SHE TURNED INTO THE WORLD'S MOST SAFETY-CONSCIOUS PARENT, AND I TURNED INTO A 25-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN IN A HELMET. [ CLICK, MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO ] [ BEEPS ] [ INHALES DEEPLY ] [ Exhaling ] AHHH. MORNING, MR. BELVEDERE. [ WHIMPERS ] [ MUSIC CONTINUES ] [ SIGHS ] HEY, DAD. GOING TO WORK. SEE YOU LATER, OKAY? THAT'S MY BROTHER, DARRYL. GOOD MORNING. YOU KNOW, FOR AN AGORAPHOBIC MUTE IN A SPACESUIT, DARRYL. HE'S ONE PRETTY COOL KID. ANYWAY, AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DAD, I DECIDED TO BECOME AN INSURANCE CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR. MY PARTNER AND I HAD 572 FRAUDULENT CLAIM BUSTS TO OUR CREDIT. THE MOST RECENT ONE -- ALL THE WAY OUT IN PENNSYLVANIA. BUT MY MAIN FOCUS WAS TO BRING DOWN THE ROSENGOLDS. HAVE A NICE DAY, SON. OKAY. OH, AND, FRANKIE, REMEMBER, BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY. AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION IS WORTH A POUND OF CURE. THERE'S SAFETY IN NUMBERS. HINDSIGHT IS... 20/20. I GOT IT, MOM. YOU BE CAREFUL OUT THERE, SON. COME ON, MOM. I'VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR 20 YEARS. IT'S ONE THING I KNOW I'M GOOD AT. [ CLICK ] [ BEEPING ] AND THIS IS WHERE I WORK -- THE BIGGEST COMPANY IN THE BUSINESS, CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE. [ ELEVATOR DINGS ] CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE, PLEASE HOLD. CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE. OH, AND OUR RECEPTIONIST, VICKI? [ Whispering ] Major crush on me. HEY, VICKI. CONGLOMERATE -- HEY, GUESS WHAT? I JUST GOT THE BOX SE OF "MIAMI VICE" ON DVD. 45 EPISODES, 0% COMMERCIALS, 100% AWESOME. SO, ANYWAY, I WAS THINKING YOU, ME, AND SOME COOL COPS FROM A CERTAIN MIAMI -- OKAY. HEY, FRANK, CHECK IT OUT. [ LAUGHING ] I'M TOTALLY RUNNING WITH SCISSORS! OH! Frank: THAT'S HERB, WHAT A PRANKSTER. THAT'S RIGHT. OOH. OHH. OOH. YAHTZEE. AND THAT'S FREEDA, OUR FILE CLERK. HEY, FRANKIE, COULD YOU HELP ME WITH THIS REQ. FORM? I CAN'T SEEM TO GET THESE FIGURES TO WORK. SURE, FREEDA. SHE CERTAINLY GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE "CASUAL FRIDAYS." [ TELEPHONE RINGING ] HEY, JIMMY. HEY, FRANK. NEW FILE? HEY, FRANK, YOU EVER HEAR OF SCOUT BAYOU? HELLO. LIKE, "ZAPPED!" IS ONLY MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME. NO, NOT SCOTT BAIO, THE TALENTED ACTOR. SCOUT BAYOU, THE BALD GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR. IT SAYS HERE HE'S FILED FIVE SEPARATE INJURY CLAIMS, ALL DIFFERENT TYPES OF ACCIDENTS, NONE OF THEM DISPUTED. ALL FIVE PAID OUT IN FULL. HOLD ON, JIMMY. "AFTER A CLAIM IS PAID OUT, AN INVESTIGATOR IS NO LONGER AUTHORIZED TO RESEARCH A CASE." CLAIMS INVESTIGATORS HANDBOOK. YEAH, BUT STOPPING FRAUDULENT CLAIMS IS WHY WE BECAME C.I.s IN THE FIRST PLACE, RIGHT? NO. IT'S WHY I BECAME A C.I. YOU WERE TOO FAT TO PASS A COP PHYSICAL, REMEMBER? FRANK, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU HE WAS REPRESENTED BY ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD? I'D SAY LET'S GO DISPUTE A CLAIM. [ With mouth full ] THERE HE IS. MR. BALD WHEEL'S ON THE MOVE. NOW, WHY THE HELL WOULD A HANDICAPPED GUY DRIVE A MONSTER TRUCK? I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE HE'S A HANDICAPPED REDNECK. [ BOTH LAUGH ] [ GRUNTS ] HUH? [ GRUNTS ] HUH? [ ENGINE TURNS OVER ] [ TIRES SCREECH ] LET'S TAIL THAT PARA-LOSER. [ GRUNTS ] STRAP YOURSELF IN. OH, YEAH. STRAPPED IN. AND HIT IT. STRAPPING IN. BLIND SPOT, CHECK. BLIND SPOT? BLIND SPOT'S CLEAR. READY. WE'RE ON. THERE'S NOTHING THERE. PEDESTRIAN CHECK? PEDESTRIANS ARE NOTHING. OKAY. ANIMALS? NO. NO ANIMALS. OKAY. CLEAR ON MY SIDE. THAT'S GREAT. IT'S CLEAR ON THIS SIDE. OKAY. DOUBLE-CHECKING. DOUBLE-CHECKED. YOU SURE? WILL YOU JUST GO?! [ TIRES SCREECH ] Frank: WE FOLLOWED BAYOU ALL DAY. AND I'LL TELL YOU, THE GUY LOOKED PRETTY HANDICAPPED TO ME, BUT JIMMY HAD ONE OF HIS...FEELINGS. SO WE TAILED HIM TO A CONCERT DOWNTOWN. COME THIS WAY. OKAY. Jimmy: DO YOU BELIEVE THAT ROTTEN BASTARD? PARKING IN A HANDICAPPED SPOT WHEN HE PROBABLY RUNS A 4.5 40. YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? IT'S WEARING-COOL-DISGUISES TIME. HA HA! [ RATTLING ] PARTNER, WHAT SAY THIS TIME YOU COME WITH ME? OUT IN THE FIELD? ARE YOU NUTS? COME ON. PUT ON ONE OF THESE COSTUMES. I GUARANTEE YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. JUST, UH, DON'T RIP OFF ANY OF THE TAGS OR LEAVE ANY PIT STAINS. I'M THE IN-THE-VAN GUY, REMEMBER, JIMMY? OKAY, FINE. BUT JUST COVER MY ASS, OKAY? 'CAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL I GET TAPE OF THIS PHONY BALONEY DOING JUMPING JACKS. ...JUST DOWN THERE. JACK TRIPPER CHECKING IN. DO YOU COPY? OVER. ROGER THAT. MR. FURLEY COPIES AND IS ROLLING AND RECEIVING FROM THE REGAL BEAGLE. OVER THAT WAY. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! OVER THERE! OUR BOGEY'S ROLLIN' TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE. HEY, GET OUT OF MY WAY. CHILL, DUDE. JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY. [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] WHERE THE HECK DID THIS FAKE GIMP ROLL OFF TO? YOU TAILIN' ME, ASSHOLE? [ GULPS ] AAHHHH! [ THUD, STATIC ] WHOA. [ CLICKING ] JACK TRIPPER, WHO WERE YOU JUST TALKING TO? THE PICTURE JUST WENT OUT. HELP ME! [ GRUNTING ] I'M TOTALLY GETTING MY ASS KICKED! [ GRUNTING ] OWW! [ GRUNTING ] [ GROANING ] "A C.I. NEVER TURNS HIS BACK ON HIS PARTNER." [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] Frank: SO, NOT ONLY WOULD I HAVE TO GO OUT IN THE FIELD, BUT THANKS TO THE ROCK ENSEMBLE JIMMY LEFT ME, I'D HAVE TO DO SO DRESSED AS SAMMY HAGAR. [ GROANING ] [ GRUNTS ] AAHHHH! [ GLASS BREAKING ] JIMMY! YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD. I'M FINE. [ THUD ] OKAY. MAYBE I HAVE JUS A SHADE OF BRAIN DAMAGE. Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... YOU STAY HERE. I'LL GET BAYOU. I'LL TAPE HIM MYSELF. ...HANSON! [ CROWD SCREAMING ] LET'S SEE. FRANK McKLUSKY DOES I BY THE BOOK. HEH HEH HEH. "LESSON 56 -- HOW TO GET A FAKER OUT OF HIS CHAIR." Announcer: COME ON, EVERYBODY! [ SCREAMING ] [ "GET UP" PLAYS ] WHOOO! GET OUT OF MY WAY! FRONT-ROW SEATS! Frank: WOW. I GUESS IF YOU'RE A HANSON FAN, IT REALLY PAYS NOT TO BE ABLE TO WALK. THOSE SEATS ON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE ARE THE BEST SEATS IN THE HOUSE. YEEEAHHH! HANSON RULES! WHOOO! GO! AND IT MADE ME WONDER -- IS BAYOU REALLY HANDICAPPED OR WAS HE FAKING HIS DISABILITY JUST FOR THE PERKS? THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT FOR SURE. I HAD TO LURE BAYOU OUT OF HIS CHAIR. YEAH! YA! AHHHHH! SO WITH MY TRUSTY RONCO POCKET FISHERMAN AND A FREE COUPON FROM SUPERCUTS... HMM. ...THE BAI WAS ABOUT TO BE SET. [ EXHALES DEEPLY ] OKAY, BAYOU. ...GIRL LIKE YOU AND MAYBE JUST A -- JUST A GUY LIKE ME MAYBE WE CAN TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE WELL, TAKE A LOOK AND SEE SO GET UP AND GO JUST A GIRL LIKE YOU [ SCREAMING ] AND MAYBE JUST A -- JUST A GUY LIKE ME [ BAYOU SCREAMING ] MAYBE WE CAN TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE YEAH, TAKE A LOOK AND TAKE A LOOK AND GO [ SCREAMING CONTINUES ] SO GET UP AND GO [ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ] UGH! AAAHHHH! AAAHHHH! AAAHHHH! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH! [ CRASHING, GLASS BREAKING ] [ GLASS SPINNING ] [ SPINNING STOPS, SILENCE ] HANSON ROCKS. Frank: WELL, MY FIRST VENTURE OUT OF THE VAN WENT PRETTY WELL. I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT WAS KIND OF EXHILARATING BEING OUT IN THE FIELD, BUT ALL THAT ACTION MADE ME HUNGRY AND CHINESE-WESTERN FOOD WAS GONNA HIT THE SPOT. Jimmy: I DON'T GET WHY YOU EVEN LIKE THIS PLACE. THE FOOD ALWAYS GIVE YOU DIARRHEA. AH. CALL I A GUILTY PLEASURE. [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ] LIM NUNG WAS BORN IN BEIJING, BUT HE ACTED LIKE HE WAS FROM THE PONDEROSA. [ Chinese accent ] SHERIFF JIMMY, DEPUTY FRANK. WHAT TYPE OF GRUB YOU WAN LIM NUNG RUSTLE UP FOR YOU? THE USUAL. AND COULD WE GET IT TO GO? JIMMY GOT BEAT UP BY A DISABLED GUY. HEY. AGAIN, MR. JIMMY? [ TELEPHONE RINGS, COUNTRY MUSIC CONTINUES ] [ LAUGHING ] ...THINK ABOUT YOU SINCE YOU'RE GONE EXCEPT WHEN I'M WITH SOMEONE ELSE OR WHEN I'M ALL ALONE HEY, JIMBO, WANT TO COME OVER AND WATCH "NICK AT NITE"? THURSDAYS ARE BAIO-THONS. I CAN'T DO IT. I GOT SOME SURVEILLANCE TAPES I GOTTA REVIEW. [ BRAKES SQUEAL ] Jimmy: I'LL CALL YOU LATER, OKAY? Frank: WHEN JIMMY ONLY ORDERED EIGHT APPETIZERS, I KNEW HE WAS TAKING THINGS HARDER THAN USUAL. THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE ON HIS MIND. WE HAD BEEN PARTNERS TOO LONG FOR ME NOT TO NOTICE. [ VEHICLES PASSING ] [ RUSTLING ON TELEVISION ] WHOA. [ LAUGHING ] CHARLES... YOU MEAN THEY'RE ONLY GONNA CHARGE US $37.95? NO. IT'S $149 OR WE'LL NEVER SEE OUR FURNITURE ALIVE AGAIN. [ LAUGHS, SIGHS ] I'LL TELL YA, DAD, I THOUGHT THE GOLDEN AGE OF TELEVISION ENDED WHEN THE FONZ GOT MARRIED AND GREW A BEARD. AND THEN GOD GOES AND GIVES US "CHARLES IN CHARGE." [ TELEPHONE RINGS ] I'LL GET IT. Woman on TV: AND LOOK INSIDE YOUR DRAWERS. [ LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION ] THANKS, MR. BELVEDERE. [ GROWLS SOFTLY ] YELL-O. Frank... I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING. IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO ME, WOULD I BE ABLE TO COUNT ON YOU TO FINISH ALL OF OUR CASES HOWWOULD HAVE DONE 'EM? JIMMY, WHAT'S WRONG? I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW. CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT? YEAH, YEAH. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. LOOK, I CAN'T TALK OVER THE PHONE, BUT I THINK I GOT BAYOU. COME OVER. I'LL SHOW YOU WHEN YOU GET HERE. JEEZ, JIMBO, I DON'T USUALLY LIKE TO GO OUT OF THE HOUSE AT -- [ Click, static ] HUH? HUH? HUH? HELLO? [ Dial tone ] [ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] WHO WAS THAT? MOM... SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH JIMMY. I HAVE TO GO OVER THERE. IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT. HONEY, T-T-THAT'S THE WITCHING HOUR. DON'T WORRY. YOU KNOW I ALWAYS TAKE THE NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS. [ WHIMPERS ] WHAT? I'M GOING AS FAS AS I CAN. [ BRAKES SQUEAL ] WHAT HAPPENED HERE? OKAY, MR. BELVEDERE. [ WHIMPERS ] YOU READY TO BE THAT GUARD DOG YOU WERE TRAINED TO BE? [ GRUNTING ] YOU'RE REALLY EMBARRASSING YOURSELF HERE, MR. B. [ WHIMPERING ] [ GRUNTING ] JIMMY... WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, BUD? [ GASPS ] NOOOOOOO! [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] [ MR. BELVEDERE WHIMPERS ] [ INDISTINCT TALKING ON POLICE RADIO ] SO, WHAT WAS YOUR RELATION TO MR. DOOLEY? HE WAS MY PARTNER. LIFE PARTNER? [ CHUCKLING ] [ CHUCKLING ] NO, WE WORKED FOR CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE. JIMMY WAS MY BEST FRIEND. RIGHT. RIGHT. SO YOU SAY YOU ENTERED THE FRONT DOOR AND FOUND MR. DOOLEY WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW? YES. WHY? MR. McKLUSKY, I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THE FACTS STRAIGHT. HEY. HEY, HEY. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? WRITING DOWN MY PERSONAL PHONE NUMBER FOR YOU. GEE WHIZ, MR. CRABBY. SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK HAPPENED HERE? THIS IS YOUR CLASSIC FAT GUY SUICIDE. YEAH. WE THINK YOUR FRIEND KNOCKED DOWN THE DOOR ON A TWINKIE JONES, TRASHED THE PLACE LOOKING FOR A TAKEOUT MENU, THEN DROWNED, ATTEMPTING TO EA HIS OWN GOLDFISH. WHAT ABOUT THE SIGN? YEAH, WE'RE, UH, WE'RE LEANING TOWARD "FAT GUY SUICIDE NOTE." [ FARTING ] OHH. GOOD OUT. [ SIGHS ] I NEED TO USE THE, UH, BATHROOM. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, REMEMBER, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING IN THERE. THE SHITTER IS TECHNICALLY STILL PART OF THE CRIME SCENE. RIGHT. [ INHALING SHARPLY ] [ WINCING ] [ FARTING, EXHALES SHARPLY ] [ SIGHS ] OH, JIMMY, YOU INCONSIDERATE, DEAD BASTARD. [ WHISTLING ] [ TOILET FLUSHES ] [ TOILET GURGLING ] WHOOOAA! [ GLASS BREAKING ] UH, I-I'M OKAY. IT'S, UH, IT'S JUS A DOUBLE-FLUSHER. [ GRUNTING ] [ SUCTIONING ] [ HELMET CLANKS ] [ GRUNTING ] [ HELMET CLANKS ] AAAHHHHHHH! AAHHHHHHH! [ TOILET FLUSHES ] YAHTZEE! HEY, GUYS, I THINK I FOUND A CLUE. LOOK, LET'S SAY YOU LEAVE THE DETECTIFYING TO THE PROFESSIONALS, OKAY, MR. CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR? CHECK IT OUT, BARRY. THE FAT GUY HAD PUSH-UPS. WELL, SHARE THE WEALTH, MIJO! Frank: WHAT I SAW IN THAT APARTMENT THAT NIGH WOULD SCAR ME FOREVER. EVEN TO THIS DAY, EVERY TIME I SEE A FAT ZEBRA, I JUST START CRYING. [ WHIMPERING ] COME ON, MR. BELVEDERE. MY INSTINCTS TOLD ME THOSE COPS WEREN'T GOING TO PUT JIMMY'S CASE ON THE HIGH PRIORITY LIST, SO I TOOK THE EVIDENCE HOME FOR MY OWN INVESTIGATION. IT TURNS OUT IT WAS A COPY OF A MOVIE ABOUT DUDES DRESSING UP AS CHICKS. SO, BEING THE INSECURE HETEROSEXUAL THAT I AM, I DEDUCED... OH, MY GOD. IS MY PARTNER DEAD AND GAY? WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME? [ WHIMPERS ] [ ELEVATOR DINGS ] SO I WENT TO WORK THE NEXT DAY. BUT THE MAGIC, IT WAS GONE. EVEN VICKI'S OVERT FLIRTING COULDN'T PULL ME OU OF THE DOLDRUMS. ANY MESSAGES? YEAH, YOU HAVE ONE. [ LAUGHING ] HEY, FRANK, CHECK THIS OUT. WHOOOA! THAT'S DANGEROUS. WHOO! [ LAUGHING ] WHOA! WHOA, HERB! OH, NOW, THAT'S DANGEROUS. HA HA HA HA! WHOO, HERB. Man: DO IT. WHAT -- COME ON, HERB. WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NAIL THIS SAFETY-CONSCIOUS ASS. I CAN'T. [ SIGHS ] FRANK, WAIT. I WAS SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT JIMMY. THANKS. YEAH, IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY HE WAS TRYING TO KISS ME AT THE COMPANY PICNIC. SO JIMMY WAS GAY. WELL, THIS ISN'T FRANCE. AROUND HERE, MAN-KISSING IS PRETTY DARN GAY. OH, MY BOSS WANTS TO SEE YOU. MR. GAFTY? I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S WHY I'M... DOLLAR BILL, YO. ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD. HEY, WHY DO YOU LOOK FAMILIAR TO ME? YOU GUYS MADE A FRAUDULEN CLAIM AGAINST MY FAMILY 20 YEARS AGO. MY DAD'S IN AN UNCONSCIOUS COMA BECAUSE OF YOU. OOHH. NOPE. DOESN'T RING A BELL. THAT'S RIGHT. WE NEED 'PECIFIC CASE HISTORY AND SHIT, DOG. MY DAD'S MADMAN McKLUSKY. OHH! YES. [ Laughing ] YES. THE, UH, THE CRAZY, EXPLODING MOTORCYCLE GUY. WELL, GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN, FRIEND. THAT'S RIGHT. AW, COME -- COME ON. MAN, YOU BUGGING, MAN. YOU BETTER BACK OFF OR WE LITIGATE THE SHI OUT OF YOUR ASS. GOOD MOVE. MR. GAFTY... YOU WANTED TO SEE ME? FRANK... THERE ARE 280 MILLION PEOPLE IN THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY OF THEM HAVE NO FORM OF INSURANCE? 1,346,589, SIR... AS OF 8:00 THIS MORNING. [ LAUGHS ] WELL, A STUDENT OF THE GAME. REFRESHING. I GOT INTO THIS BUSINESS, SIR, TO STOP FRAUDULENT CLAIMS. AND IF BECAUSE OF THAT, PREMIUMS FALL, AND I CAN HELP A FEW LESS-FORTUNATE PEOPLE GET COVERAGE, WELL, THAT'S OKAY WITH ME. AND A MAN OF PRINCIPLE, TOO, HUH? I RESPECT THAT. [ CHUCKLES ] [ MONKEY SCREECHING ] DO YOU OWN A MONKEY, SIR? ACTUALLY, CAPTAIN JUGGLES HERE IS AN ABUSED CIRCUS ORANGUTAN. I PLAN ON RELEASING HIM INTO THE WILD AFTER I FINISH NURSING HIM BACK TO HEALTH. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME. FRANK, THOSE TWO MEN WHO JUST LEFT MY OFFICE REPRESENT SCOTT BAIO. THE BALD GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR. NO, THE ADULT KID ACTOR. HE JUST TOOK OU A POLICY WITH US. OH. BUT SPEAKING OF THE BALD GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR, I HAVE TO ASK YOU, IS IT TRUE WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CONCERT LAST NIGHT? WELL, YES, BUT, SIR, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT ANGRY. I KNOW YOU WOULDN' GET INVOLVED. YOU'RE MORE THE, UH, STAY-IN-THE-VAN TYPE OF INVESTIGATOR. [ PAT, PAT ] AM I RIGHT? [ PAT, PAT, PAT ] [ SCREECHING ] [ LAUGHING ] YOU KNOW, FRANK... "R" AND "R" HAS ISSUED A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU, SO DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY AWAY FROM BAYOU, WOULD YOU? YOU'RE TOO IMPORTAN AN EMPLOYEE TO LOSE. AND MATTER OF FACT, I'M GIVING YOU A PROMOTION. PROMOTION? BUT, SIR, I DON'T THINK I'M READY. I FELT REALLY BAD ABOUT JIMMY. HE WAS A GOOD EMPLOYEE. [ SMOOCHES ] EXCEPT WHEN HE USED THE COMPANY COPIER TO DISTRIBUTE HIS GAY NEWSLETTER. [ DISCO MUSIC PLAYS ] COME ON, COME ON, JACK IT UP GAY NEWSLETTER? NOT A BAD READ, ACTUALLY. SO, THAT SETTLES IT, ALL RIGHT? YOUR NEW JUNIOR PARTNER SHOULD BE HERE RIGHT AFTER LUNCH. OHH, JIMMY. I MISS YOU, MAN. COME ON, COME ON MAN, YOU WERE GAY. HI. FRANK? FRANK McKLUSKY? I'M SHARON, YOUR NEW JUNIOR PARTNER. HEY. HELLO. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW PSYCHED I AM TO BE A C.I. HERE AT CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE. REALLY? I THINK INVESTIGATING INSURANCE FRAUD'S THE LAST FRONTIER OF LAW ENFORCEMENT. [ GIGGLES ] AND WORKING WITH YOU -- A PERSON WITH SUCH COMMITMENT TO ACCIDENT PREVENTION -- THAT YOU ARE THE BES CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COMPANY. HE SAID THAT ABOUT ME? WELL, I'M NOT. MY DEAD GAY PARTNER, JIMMY, WAS THE BEST. IS THIS HIM? YEAH. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S A COMPANY FRAME, SO PUT ANY PHOTO IN YOU WANT. I GOT MORE. THANKS. LOOK, FRANK... I COME FROM A FAMILY OF 11 SISTERS. 10 OF THEM ARE STAY-AT-HOME MOMS. THE 11th -- ME -- IS THE FIRST GIRL [ SIGHS ] TO WANT MORE... WA-WAH, WA-WAH-WAH, WA-WAH. ALL I'M ASKING FOR HUH? IS A CHANCE. [ SIGHS ] WELL, OKAY. [ GIGGLES ] JIMMY AND I WORKED ON TOGETHER. HE WAS ONTO SOMETHING WITH THIS SCOUT BAYOU CHARACTER. SCOTT BAIO -- HE'S AN ACTOR, RIGHT? NO, BALD GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR. OH. OKAY. SO WHERE SHOULD WE START? I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, JIMMY WAS REALLY THE POINT MAN. WELL, WHY DON'T YOU PICK UP WHERE JIMMY LEFT OFF? HOW JIMMY WOULD'VE DONE IT. [ DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS ] PROMISE ME. HIW WOULD HAVE DONE IT. Frank: RIGHT THEN AND THERE IT HIT ME, AND THERE WAS NO DENYING IT. I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I HAD TO DO. I HAD MADE MY PARTNER A PROMISE TO FILL HIS FAT SHOES. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO. EVENTUALLY, I REALIZED THAT THAT ENTAILED TAKING OFF MY HELMET. Frank: I TALKED TO BAYOU'S NEIGHBOR. APPARENTLY, HE GOES TO REHAB AROUND THIS TIME. SO, THIS GUY REALLY IS HANDICAPPED? HANDICAPPED LIKE A FOX. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I MEAN, ROLLER FAKE OVER THERE CAN PROBABLY DO THE MOONWALK. SO YOU HAVE PROOF. NOT YET... BUT I GOT A PLAN. [ METAL SQUEAKING ] HEY. [ SQUEAKING CONTINUES ] [ SQUEAKING STOPS ] JIMMY ALWAYS SAID YOU GOTTA GET CLOSE TO THE CLAIMANT, FORCE THEM TO LET THEIR GUARD DOWN. BUT AREN'T THOSE CASTS GONNA MAKE IT A LITTLE HARD FOR YOU -- THESE CASTS, SHARON, ARE MY TICKET INSIDE. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST WEAR ORDERLY SCRUBS? I SHOULD GO. WAIT, FRANK. WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT EVERY GOOD JUNIOR PARTNER SHOULD. YEAH? STAY IN THE VAN. [ SQUEAKING RESUMES ] [ GROANING ] UHH! UH! UH! [ INDISTINCT TALKING, SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ] [ SQUEAKING ] UGH. [ BANG ] WHO-OAA! OHH! [ THUD ] HUH? [ SIGHS ] [ METAL SQUEAKING ] HOLY MACKEREL! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! RUNWAY ACCIDENT. YOU A PILOT? UH. SUPERMODEL. OH. [ BAYOU GRUNTING ] HEY, MISTER, CAN I -- YAHH! HEY, DO YOU KNOW SCOUT BAYOU? I HEARD HE'S A VIETNAM VET. BEEN COMING HERE FOR YEARS. YO, CURLY, CAN YOU TURN THIS OFF FOR ME? I HAVE TROUBLE REACHING I FROM THE HARNESS. SURE. HAVE A NICE DAY. UH. UH. UH. UH. [ EXHALING SHARPLY ] HEY, ARE YOU SCOUT BAYOU? YEAH. WHAT'S IT TO YOU, SHIT-NECK? UH. WELL, I-I WAS HOPING TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT -- YOU JUST MOVED YOUR -- HEY, YOU JUST MOVED YOUR LEG. NO, I DIDN'T. YES, YOU DID. NO, I DIDN'T! YES, YOU DID. LET GO OF MY STICK. YOU'RE A BIG, FAT FAKER. LET GO OF MY STICK! YOU'RE A BIG FAKER. LET GO OF MY STICK! YOU'RE A FAKER. I SAW YOU! YOU CAN TOO WALK. DID TOO. HEY, EVERYBODY, SCOUT BAYOU CAN WALK. AAAHHHHH! UH! UH! UH! HO! OW! OW! AHHHH! UH! OW! UH! OHH! UH! UH! UH! OH. UH. OHH. UH. OH. OW. UHH. WELL, HE SURE AS SHI AIN'T GONNA BE WALKIN' NOW. [ BAYOU GROANING, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] OH! UH! UH! OH! OW! UH! OH! UH! OH! UH! UH! AAAHHHHHH! UH! UH! WH-AAAHH! [ GLASS BREAKING ] MOM... JUST THINK OF I AS TEMPORARY. OH, REALLY? SO, WHEN YOU SUFFER A SEVERE HEAD INJURY, AND I HAVE TO FEED MY BRAIN-DEAD SON BABY FOOD THROUGH A STRAW, WILL THAT BE TEMPORARY? [ WHIMPERS ] [ FOOTSTEPS ] HEY, DARRYL, WHAT'D YOU DO...TODAY? DUH. HE WATCHED TV IN HIS HYPERBARIC SUIT. LISTEN, FRANKIE, I'VE BEEN THINKING. YEAH. YOU SHOULD FIND A JOB YOU CAN DO FROM THE HOUSE, LIKE TELEMARKETING OR UNEMPLOYMENT. [ GROWLS SOFTLY ] WELL, I GOT A FULL BOAT. WHAT DO YOU GOT, DAD? YOU LOSE. I WIN. Frank: THERE WAS ONE GOOD THING ABOU HAVING A BRAIN-DEAD DAD -- HE WAS NEVER A POOR SPORT. THE BAYOU FILE WAS OBVIOUSLY A DEAD END, SO I WENT TO WORK THE NEXT DAY DETERMINED TO FIND A CLUE IN JIMMY'S FILE CABINET. WHAT I FOUND WAS JIMMY'S PRIVATE DOUGHNUT STASH AND SOMETHING ELSE. A REQUISITION FORM. HEY, FREEDA, CAN YOU GE A FILE FOR -- MAN, IF YOU MAKE ME LATE FOR HAPPY HOUR, I'M REALLY GONNA BE P.O.'d. DOES THAT REQ. FORM HAS A GAFTY SIGNATURE? UH... UH, YEAH. YEAH, IT DOES. WELL, OKAY, THEN. READ ME THE NUMBERS, WOULD YA, CINNA-BUNS? 2...3... 1... [ SMACKING CONTINUES ] Frank: IN REVIEWING THAT FILE, SOME QUESTIONS AROSE. "A" -- WHO THE HECK WAS ENGA DENKMARK? "B" -- COULD HER FILE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH JIMMY'S DEATH? AND "C" -- WAS JIMMY LYING TO ME WHEN HE SAID IT WAS COMPANY POLICY FOR PARTNERS TO CHECK EACH OTHER FOR LUMPS? ANYWAY, I USED THE CONGLOMERATE DATABASE TO FIND OU THAT THIS ENGA DENKMARK WAS COMPETING IN TOWN AT THE ANNUAL GYMNASTICS CHAMPIONSHIPS. I KNEW I HAD TO GO AND ASK HER A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT HER POLICY. I SNUCK IN, SLIPPED INTO THE MEN'S ROOM, AND PUT ON MY BES JANITOR DISGUISE. LUCKILY, I HAD THE TIGH BELL-BOTTOM JEANS, LEATHER VEST, AND A PENCIL-THIN MUSTACHE TO MAKE THE DISGUISE COMPLETE. [ SIGHS ] UH, UH, THIS IS THE LADIES' ROOM. OH. OH. HEY, FREEBIES FROM THE SPONSORS. HEH HEH. OKAY, JUST ONE APIECE, ONE APIECE. LET'S NOT GET GRABBY. USE THE TAPE. LADIES, I GOT EVERYTHING FROM LIGHT FLOW TO TSUNAMI. [ Romanian accent ] LEAVE AT ONCE! THIS IS THE GREA ENGA DENKMARK. OH. SHE'S ABOUT TO COMPETE, AND YOU ARE INTERRUPTING HER CONCENTRATION. RELAX, FELLA. I JUST NEED TO ASK HER A FEW QUESTIONS. [ Romanian accent ] IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO AND SHOW TO THE WORLD ALL MY GREATNESS. ACTUALLY, ENGA, THIS CAN'T WAIT. IT'S KIND OF IMPOR-- UH. YOU KNOW? SOMETHING TELL ME YOU ARE NOT REALLY JANITOR. THAT IS THE WORST SCHNEIDER IMPERSONATION I'VE EVER SEEN. HOLD ON, SIDEBURNS. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO FIGHT YOU, BRO. [ BONES CRACKING ] OH. [ CHOKING ] OKAY. DON'T YOU NEED TO BE OUT THERE? NO, I AM ALTERNATE. Frank: I TRIED TO REASON WITH HER, EVEN BRIBE HER WITH AN EPILADY. BUT IF I WAS GONNA GET OUT OF THIS ONE, I'D HAVE TO USE MY HEAD. [ CLANKING ] I GUESS I HAD PICKED A PRETTY BAD TIME TO STOP WEARING MY HELMET. YOU SAY THAT, SIR, BUT SOMEONE -- [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH. WHEW. HI, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO THE WOMEN'S PORTION OF THE 2002 ANNUAL GYMNASTICS CHAMPIONSHIPS. I'M PAT O'BRIEN ALONG WITH OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIS DOMINIQUE MOCEANU. AND, DOMINIQUE, OUTSIDE OF THE OLYMPICS, THIS HAS TO BE THE GRANDES STAGE FOR THIS TYPE OF EVENT. Dominique: ENGA DENKMARK, THE ROMANIAN SWEETHEART, WHO WON THE HEARTS OF THE WORLD LAST OLYMPICS, WELL, SHE AND HER TEAM ARE HERE THREATENING TO SWEEP THE TEAM AND INDIVIDUAL EVENTS. YOU KNOW, WHAT IS THE REAL STORY ON THIS COACH CHERNOV? I'M NO DOCTOR, BUT IT SEEMS TO ME SOME OF THESE GALS HAVE A LITTLE TOO MUCH GUY IN THE GYNO, IF YOU, UH, KNOW WHAT I MEAN. [ CROWD CHEERING LIGHTLY ] [ SPRINGS BANGING ] WHEW! THIS SPRINGY THING CAN'T BE TOO SAFE. [ WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE IN DISTANCE ] Woman: WOO-HOO! YEAH! PSST. [ JACKET RUSTLING ] [ Romanian accent ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I TOLD YOU TO STOP INJECTIONS THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO COMPETITION. HMM? OH. [ GASPS ] [ GASPS ] AND HERE COMES THE ROMANIAN MILA SOPKOV. SOPKOV'S SPECIALTY IS THE VAULT. IT'S CERTAINLY NOT MAKEUP. LOOK, ENGA, I GOT THIS FILE. UM, IT'S A... [ SOPKOV RUNNING ] [ THUD ] UGH! OOH. OOH. THAT'S NOT GOOD. WOO-HOO. OUCH. EXCUSE ME. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH BLEEDING INTERNALLY, WE SHOULD TALK. WORD, YO. 'CAUSE ME AND MY DOG HERE, WE COULD SUE THE SHILZ-NI OUT OF THIS JOINT. EXCUSE ME. HEY. WHAT?! BROTHERS CAN'T CONFISCATE SOME EVIDENCE AND SHIT? YEAH. GET OFF ME, MAN. THEY'LL HAVE TO GO TO AN ALTERNATE. UH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IRZA TOPNIZKI? NOTHING MUCH, OTHER THAN SHE'S PROBABLY THE OLDES COMPETITOR HERE TODAY. WELL, CERTAINLY THE UGLIEST. NEVERTHELESS, IT'S UP TO HER [ EXHALES DEEPLY, LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] TO KEEP ROMANIA ON TOP WITH HER FLOOR EXERCISE. YEAH, YEAH SHAKE IT UP [ EXHALING SHARPLY ] FUNKY RHYTHM OH, YEAH UH, UH, UH THE FUNKY RHYTHM SAY YEAH I GOT TO GIVE A, UH, UH, UH FUNKY RHYTHM OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH THE FUNKY RHYTHM YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH PULL OUT THE BASS FUNKY RHYTHM UH, UH, UH, FUNKY RHYTHM [ GRUNTING ] I GOT TO GIVE A, UH, UH, UH FUNKY RHYTHM UH, UH, UH [ CROWD BOOING ] [ MUSIC CONTINUES ] HEY, YEAH [ APPLAUSE ] [ APPLAUSE ] [ GRUNTING ] SHAKE IT UP YES. UG-- [ CROWD BOOING ] [ MUSIC CONTINUES ] YEEEEAAAH [ Echoing ] YEAH, YEAH, YEAH Pat: MAYBE THAT TOPNIZKI... WHO ARE YOU? LOOK, MY REAL NAME'S FRANK McKLUSKY. I'M AN INSURANCE CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR FROM CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE. HUH? MY PARTNER WAS MURDERED, AND THE ONLY LEAD I GO IS YOUR FILE. YOU IDIOT! I WILL NOT HAVE US LOSE. IF YOU TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR FILE WITH CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE... [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] I'LL GET YOU YOUR SCORE. FINE. GET THE SCORE. [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] Pat: WELL, IT'S ALL UP TO TOPNIZKI NOW. WITH THE CONTEST TIED, EVEN THE LOWEST OF SCORES WILL PUT HER TEAM ON TOP. Dominique: EVEN A 0.1 WILL DO IT, BUT THUS FAR, TOPNIZKI IS NOT GOING TO THE OLYMPICS. TOPNIZKI IS NOT GOING TO THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. [ PANTING ] HA. [ LIGHT APPLAUSE ] [ GRUNTING ] GOOD SO FAR. ALL SHE NEEDS NOW IS NOT TO LAND ON HER HEAD DURING THE DISMOUNT, AND THEY WIN. [ THUD ] OOH! [ CROWD GROANING ] OUCH! UHHHHHH. OKAY, NOW. HERE ARE THE JUDGES' SCORES. 0.0... AND THE FIFTH JUDGE... 0.1. A VICTORY NOW FOR THE ROMANIANS. [ Whispering ] Yes! I HAVE PIP WITH THEM. PIP? WHAT'S PIP? IF I BREAK MY ARM, I CANNOT GET MY ENDORSEMENT. AND YOUR COMPANY PAYS ME $5 MILLION. PIP. Frank: SO WITH MY NEW LEAD, I WENT TO THE FILE DEPARTMEN TO FIND OU WHAT A PIP POLICY WAS. GOOD THING FREEDA WASN'T AROUND, 'CAUSE IF SHE CAUGHT ME DIGGING THROUGH HER FILES, I'D BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. YAHTZEE. THIS IS RESTRICTED AREA, FRANKIE. YOU KNOW YOU COULD GET IN A WHOLE LO OF TROUBLE FOR THIS. UH, LOOK, FREEDA, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SOMETHING CALLED A PIP POLICY? YOU MEAN P.I.P. -- PROFESSIONAL INJURY POLICY. A LOT OF FAMOUS PEOPLE HAVE THEM TO ENSURE AGAINST CATASTROPHIC, CAREER-ENDING INJURIES. THE ONE I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK WAS A P.I.P. HEY, UM, DO YOU THINK I CAN SEE THE REST OF THOSE? [ LAUGHS ] WELL, FRANK, YOU'D NEED A REQUISITION FORM, AND ALL REQUISITION FORMS NEED TO BE SIGNED BY GAFTY. [ THUD ] AND MR. GAFTY IS A VERY BUSY MAN. IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY I COULD, UH... SURE. [ NO AUDIO ] Frank: A MAN'S GOTTA DO WHAT A MAN'S GOTTA DO. I GOT THE FILES... AND A NEW HAIRDO. BUT I WAS CONCERNED THAT THIS CASE WAS GETTING A LITTLE TOO DANGEROUS FOR MY NEW JUNIOR PARTNER. HEY, LOOK, SHARON, I'M NOT A RISKTAKER, OKAY? I'M DOING WHAT I'M DOING FOR JIMMY. I DON'T WANT TO PU MY JUNIOR PARTNER AT RISK. WHAT IF I KNEW SOMETHING -- SOMETHING ABOUT THE CASE AND JIMMY THAT YOU DIDN'T? WOULD YOU LET ME BE A PART OF ALL THIS? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW? COME ON, COME ON JIMINY CHRISTMAS! THIS GUY'S GAYNESS IS OFF THE CHARTS. HEY, IS THAT HERB? I FOUND IT IN JIMMY'S OLD COMPANY FRAME. I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE LISTENING TO WHA I COULDN'T DO. LET ME PROVE TO YOU WHAT I CAN DO. [ ELEVATOR DINGS ] Vicki: CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE. PLEASE HOLD. FRANK, SHARON. [ TELEPHONE RINGS ] [ Whispering ] Okay, you're in, but I call the shots. LET'S FOLLOW HERB. CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE. PLEASE HOLD. Frank: THE PICTURE OF JIMMY AND HERB FRENCHING IN A HOT TUB LED ME TO WONDER IF HERB WAS HIDING ANYTHING ELSE. HEY, HERB. COME ON, COME ON McKLUSKY. I JUST, UH, STOPPED OFF HERE FOR SOME, UM, SOME CIGARETTES. YOU DON'T SMOKE. [ Laughing ] I'M NOT GAY, DUDE. Man: HEY, AND A BEER CHASER. [ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] [ CHEERING ] YEAH! [ BOTH GRUNTING ] ME AND JIMMY-JAM HAD BEEN DATING FOR ABOUT A YEAR. JIMMY-JAM? ABOUT A MONTH BACK, HE STARTS ACTING REALLY NERVOUS. I THOUGHT HE MIGHT BE ONTO SOMETHING REALLY BIG. WHAT? WHAT WAS IT? I DON'T KNOW. ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE HAD ME FORGE GAFTY'S SIGNATURE ON A REQUISITION FORM. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GE THE FILE ON FRIDAY, [ Crying ] BUT I GUESS HE NEVER MADE IT. OH. MM-HMM. HOLD ON. [ PAPER RUSTLING ] THIS REQUISITION FORM? THAT'S IT. RASPBERRY WAS JIMMY-JAM'S FAVORITE. WAIT A MINUTE. [ DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES ] THE JELLY. YEAH, IT'S DELICIOUS. I DIDN'T READ FREEDA ALL THE NUMBERS. I GOT THE WRONG FILE. [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] WHAT'S CRACKIN', BEE-ATCHES? [ GULPS, COUGHS ] YOU KNOW, HERB, A FELLOW LIKE YOU OUGHT TO BE A LITTLE MORE CAREFUL OF THE PEOPLE THAT HE HANGS OUT WITH. I'D HATE TO SEE THIS TYPE OF RIFFRAFF PUT YOU IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION. CASE IN POINT, McKLUSKY HERE HAS HARASSED AND HURT ONE OF OUR CLIENTS ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. THREW HIS ASS DOWN A FLIGHT OF GODDAMN STEPS IS WHAT HE DONE. THAT'S RIGHT -- GODDAMN STEPS. AND WHO KNOWS, HERB? MAYBE YOU'RE THE NEXT ONE THAT GETS HURT. HMM? HEY, D-- McKLUSKY... YOUR SHI BETTER START COMPLYING WITH THAT "RESKRAINING" ORDER AGAINST YOU. OR THEY GONNA BE "RESKRAINING" ME FROM COMPLYING MY FOO IN YOUR ASS. CAN YOU DIG IT? [ EXHALES SHARPLY ] WELL PUT, PARTNER. LET'S GO. [ DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES ] GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS. GOOD NIGHT, HERB. NIGHT, HERB. [ KEYS JINGLING ] [ RUSTLING ] IS ANYBODY THERE? IS IT A MAN... MAYBE THAT CUTE BUSBOY WITH THE OVERBITE AND THE BOWL CUT? [ KEYS JINGLING ] [ FOOTSTEPS ] OH, MY GOD, IT'S YOU! Frank: I SPENT ALL MORNING LOOKING THROUGH THE REQ. FILES WHILE FREEDA LOOKED LIKE SHE SWALLOWED J-LO. DID YOU CHECK THE PAID-OUTS, SEXY SHORTS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN PAID-OUTS? WELL, IF IT WAS A CLAIM THAT WAS ALREADY ISSUED, HE WOULDN'T PUT THA IN THE NORMAL P.I.P. FILE, HE'D PUT THA IN THE PAID-OUTS CABINET. AND LOOKY WHAT WE HAVE HERE. THANKS, FREEDA. OH, YOU BIG -- UNH-UNH, SAILOR. [ SIGHS ] [ SIGHS ] [ GROANS ] Frank: WITH THE NEW FILE, I VISITED BERKSHIRE DOWNS, HOME OF THE MOST HALLOWED STATUE IN ALL OF SPORTS. THERE I FIND A JOCKEY NAMED PEEDRO JIMENEZ. JIMMY FIT INTO THAT? ACTUALLY, JIMMY DIDN'T HAVE IT, SO I ORDERED THIS ONE OFF THE INTERNET -- BIGGEST SIZE THEY HAD. WOW, IT'S YOUR FIRS DISGUISE. ARE YOU GONNA STAR YOUR OWN COLLECTION? MAYBE. [ LAUGHS ] LOOK, JUST DO ME A FAVOR. STAY IN THE VAN AND COVER MY ASS. [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] HEY, DUDES. HEY. HEY, BUDDY! THIS IS A RESTRICTED AREA! I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU GET OFF RUNNING AROUND JOCKEY LOCKER ROOMS WITH YOUR BUTT CRACK HALF EXPOSED, BUT NOT ON MY WATCH, BUSTER BROWN. OKAY, SHAQ, YOU'RE IN LOCKER NUMBER FIVE. PEPE. HEY. HEY, MY MAN, YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW THIS GUY, WOULD YOU? [ Spanish accent ] YES, HIS NAME PEEDRO JIMENEZ, THE GREATEST JOCKEY EVER TO COME OUT OF GUATEMALA, UNTIL HE BREAK HIS LEG. BREAK HIS LEG? WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT IF HE FAKED THE INJURY TO COLLEC THE INSURANCE MONEY, JIMMY FOUND OUT, AND PEEDRO HAD HIM KILLED? THAT GOOD THEORY. THANK YOU. ONLY, PEEDRO -- HE DEAD. WHOA, SHORT STACK, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? LOOK, PANCHO NO WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS. RIDERS FOR TIME TRIALS. GET YOUR SHRIMPY LITTLE BODIES ON DECK. HEY, PANCHO, WAIT. AND THIS IS WHERE YOUR FREAKY LITTLE CHARADE ENDS. [ Sarcastically ] THREE DOLLARS! [ LAUGHS ] GO AHEAD. [ SIGHS ] HEY, WILT CHAMBERLAIN, YOU'RE GONNA BE RIDING HORSE NUMBER SIX TODAY, HORNY HAL. [ LAUGHS ] [ HORSE NEIGHS ] PANCHO, PANCHO! HEY, HOLD ON. MY REAL NAME'S FRANK McKLUSKY. I'M AN INSURANCE CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR. SEOYOU NO SHOULD BE ON THAT HORSE. HE NO RACE NO MORE. HAL ONLY AROUND TO HAVE THE SEX ALL DAY. ES UN STUD, COMPRENDE? NO, I-I DON'T SPEAK ITALIAN, SORRY. LOOK, PEEDRO'S FILE SAID HE REPORTED A CLAIM, SAID HE BROKE HIS LEG, GOT PAID OUT. YES, PERO HE NO GET A CHANCE TO GET THE DINERO. HE DIE TWO DAY LATER. ONLY HIS WIFE GET HIS LIFE INSURANCE. SO, ANYWAYS, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT -- [ BELL RINGS ] AAAH! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! HEY, PANCHO, HOW DO YOU STEER THIS THING? NO! NO! NO! NO, NOT THIS WAY! AAAH! OKAY, SLOW IT DOWN, SLOW IT DOWN! WHOA! [ HAL NEIGHING ] WELL, THIS IS EMBARRASSING. PHEW! COME ON, HAL. [ NEIGHING CONTINUES ] HI. COME ON, HAL. [ HAL NEIGHS ] SO, WHY'D YOU BRING ME HERE, ANYWAY? WELL, FOR EIGH STRAIGHT YEARS, THIS IS WHERE JIMMY AND I USED TO GO AFTER ALL OUR CASES. IT'S LIKE JUST YESTERDAY HE WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE. [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ] GEE, I MISS THAT FAT BASTARD. [ Chinese accent ] MR. FRANK... YOU LIKE MY LO MEIN? LO MEIN WAS COWBOY JIMMY'S FAVORITE. IT WAS, WASN'T IT? "HAIRY GATO," SLIM. SOME PEOPLE SEARCH THE WHOLE... FRANK, HAVE YOU GONE BACK TO JIMMY'S PLACE, YOU KNOW, TO SEE IF HE LEF ANYTHING BEHIND? SHARON, I'M YOUR SENIOR. DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT? I TOLD YOU, HIS PLACE WAS CLEANED OUT, MINUS THIS ONE SISSY FLICK. CAN I SEE IT? SURE. IT'S REALLY NO A BIG DEAL. Frank: I TOOK SHARON TO WATCH THE TAPE. MOM WASN'T USED TO ME WORKING AT HOME. FRANK! YOU BROUGHT COMPANY! AND IT'S A GIRL! [ Sarcastically ] GREAT. HI, I'M SHARON. [ GIGGLES ] OH, YOU'RE THE LITTLE HUSSY THAT'S GOT HIM GALLIVANTING ALL OVER TOWN WITHOUT A HELMET. MOM, I TOLD YOU, UH -- OH, NO, IT'S OKAY. FALL DOWN AND DIE. SEE IF I CARE. YOU KNOW, MOM, SHARON AND I HAVE TO GO UP TO MY ROOM AND WORK ON A CASE. A CASE OF HERPES FROM THE LOOKS OF HER. FRANKIE, REMEMBER TO WEAR PROTECTION. MOM, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME. OH. [ LAUGHS ] HEY, I KNOW HIM! HE WAS LIKE EVEL KNIEVEL, ONLY HE SUCKED. HE'S MY DAD. IS HE SLEEPING? YEAH... FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS. [ FARTS ] THAT'S A REACTION TO THE MEDICATION. MNH. [ Grunting ] TOTALLY NORMAL. LET'S GO WATCH THE TAPE. [ CLEARS THROAT ] WELL, THIS IS MY ROOM. YOU KNOW, FRANK... I BET JIMMY WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD OF YOU, PUTTING YOUR FEARS ASIDE TO -- TO FIND OU WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. IT'S, LIKE, HERO STUFF, FRANK. I DON'T KNOW. YOU THINK? YEAH, I DO. [ SIGHS ] IS THIS REALLY LOVE? IS THIS REALLY LOVE? [ WHIMPERS ] [ Music grinds to a halt ] IS -- THE TAPE! THE TAPE HAS TAPE ON IT! HUH? THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU WANT TO TAPE OVER SOMETHING! WHAT IF JIMMY TAPED OVER "PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT"? DID YOU WATCH THE WHOLE THING? I-I'VE -- NO. I'VE BEEN MEANING TO. [ VIDEOTAPE SQUEALING ] BAYOU? YAHTZEE! THIS MUST BE THE INFORMATION JIMMY WAS TALKING ABOUT. IS THAT -- IT'S BAYOU... ...AND HE'S WALKING! [ CRASH ] WHY'D HE DO THAT? LET'S GO FIND OUT. HEY, KIDS, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! OH, MY GOD! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT, IS SHE? [ ENGINE TURNS OVER ] Frank: I FINALLY HAD BAYOU, BUT IN ORDER TO MAKE THE BUST, I KNEW I NEEDED THE MOST DISCREET COSTUME YET. I-I'M REALLY HAPPY TO GET TO WEAR A DISGUISE THIS TIME, BUT WHY IS MINE SO SMALL? EXACTLY. [ CHAINS JINGLING ] [ DOOR OPENS ] YES? DO I KNOW YOU? WE'RE C.I.s FROM CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE, AND WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU COULD ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS. TALK TO MY LAWYERS! OKAY. WAIT A MINUTE! HUH? YOU'RE THE PSYCHO FROM THE CONCER AND FROM THE REHAB CENTER! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, ASSHOLE, I LOST THE USE OF MY LEGS FIGHTING FOR DEMOCRACY IN VIETNAM! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE CONFINED TO A WHEELCHAIR AT AGE 19?! DO YOU?! A SNIPER'S BULLET SNATCHED AWAY MY FUTURE THAT DAY, AND I REFUSE TO LET YOU DO THE SAME! I HAVE SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE OF YOU PUSHING A CAR OFF A CLIFF. LATER. HUH! HUH! YA! LET'S GET HIM! YA! OOH! OOH! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! YOU OKAY? IT WAS LIKE A GIGANTIC BALD TORNADO. YOU STAY ON HIM, FRANK. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS GUY. YEAH. UGH! HEY! YEAH! WHAT'S UP?! WHA! [ METAL DINGS ] OOH! UGH! OOH! WHOO! Frank: HOLD THE ELEVATOR! [ CHAINS JINGLING ] [ PANTING ] [ INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY ] IT'S OVER, BAYOU. OOOOOOOH! OOH! OOH! [ WARBLING TONGUE ] [ WHACK! WHACK! ] OHH! WHA! AWWW! HEY, KNOCKING OFF MY MOHAWK'S JUST NOT COOL. [ ADHESIVE UNSTICKS ] WHOO! [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] [ PANTING ] [ HEART THUMPING ] THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT SAFE. COME ON, FRANK, YOU CAN DO IT! OH, RIGHT... I REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE, MAN. YOUR DAD DIDN'T DO HIS JUMP, AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO THIS ONE! COME ON! COME ON, GET ME! POW! COME ON! JUMP! THAT'S RIGHT! YOU CAN DO IT, FRANK! [ Chanting ] JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP, YOU SISSY-ASS BITCH! HMM? JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! [ HEART THUMPING ] JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! Madman: ARE YOU READY FOR THE MADMAN TO... LAUGH AT SAFETY? JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! HA HA HA HA HA! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! [ SIGHS ] OHH! YOU'RE PATHETIC, McKLUSKY. YOU ALWAYS WILL BE. HEE HEE HEE HEE! WHOO! [ GROANS ] FRANK, WHAT HAPPENED UP THERE? I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. WORD ON THE STREET IS YOU'RE A SISSY-ASS BITCH. [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT REALLY HELPING THINGS! WHAT?! WHAT'D I SAY?! [ CHAINS JINGLING ] FRANK, WHAT YOU DID UP THERE -- IT WAS GREAT. SHARON, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION OR NOT, BUT I GOT BEAT UP, AND THE BAD GUY GOT AWAY. IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE KIND OF PERFORMANCE YOU GET A PLAQUE FOR. BUT YOU TRIED. THAT'S SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF, RIGHT? YEAH, WELL, FOR SOME REASON, RIGHT NOW I DON'T FEEL SO PROUD. [ SIGHS ] [ ADHESIVE UNSTICKS ] Frank: I DRAGGED MY BATTERED BODY INTO THE VAN AND HEADED BACK TO THE OFFICE. [ ELEVATOR DINGS ] Vicki: CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE. PLEASE HOLD. CONGLOMERATE INSURANCE. PLEASE HOLD. HEY, WHERE'S HERB? YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW? OH, MY GOD! WHAT? OH, AND YOU HAVE A PHONE MESSAGE, TOO... ...A REAL ONE. [ SIGHS ] MR. GAFTY WANTS TO SEE ME. [ KNOCK ON DOOR ] OH, FRANK, HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO SEE YOU. PLEASE, PLEASE, COME IN, COME IN. HAVE A SEAT. THIS IS BOBBY. I'M HIS BIG BROTHER. YOU KNOW, IT'S "BRING A LITTLE BUDDY TO WORK" DAY. HELLO. WHAT'S UP, DUDE? [ LAUGHS ] UH, SIR... IS IT -- IS IT TRUE? IS HERB DEAD? YES, YES, SADLY, IT'S TRUE, DEAD AS A DOORKNOB. [ SIGHS ] LOOK, MR. GAFTY, I'VE GOT INFORMATION ABOUT SCOUT BAYOU. AS IT TURNS OUT -- AS A MATTER OF FACT, THAT'S KIND OF WHY YOU'RE UP HERE. HUH? THIS, UH, BAYOU CHARACTER, WELL, HIS LAWYERS CALLED. APPARENTLY YOU'RE STILL HARASSING HIM, EVEN THOUGH WE TOOK YOU OFF THE FILE, EVEN THOUGH YOU GO THE RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU. YEAH, BUT -- LOOK, THIS IS NEVER EASY, BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK FOR YOUR C.I. BADGE. MY BADGE? YEAH, YOUR BADGE. YOU DEAF? [ LAUGHS ] HEH. HEH. THIS JOB'S ALL I EVER CARED ABOUT. IT'S THE ONLY THING I EVER BELIEVED IN. I'M -- I'M SORRY, FRANK. [ ADHESIVE UNSTICKS ] OH, UH, FRANK... I HOPE WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS AND STUFF. HA. FRANK! [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] HI, THIS IS JERRY IN CLAIMS. Frank: "DEAR SHARON, "SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED. "PERHAPS VICKI'S ILLUSTRATION CAN BEST EXPLAIN IT. "SINCERELY, FRANK McKLUSKY, NOT A C.I." WHOA! DO I KNOW YOU? Frank: AND YOU THOUGH WHEN ROSE McGOWAN WORE I IT WAS OFFENSIVE. I'M FRANK'S JUNIOR PARTNER. UH, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOR. I NEED A PRINTOU OF ALL THE P.I.P. POLICIES THAT ARE DOUBLE COVERED. AND WHY WOULD I DO THA FOR YOU? LOOK, FREEDA, FRANK MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE. DIDN'T I TELL YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN? THE WORLD IS A VERY DANGEROUS, VERY HORRIBLE PLACE. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT. I THOUGH I COULD CHANGE THINGS, STOP FRAUDULENT CLAIMS, PROTECT THE INNOCENT. HA! OH. BUT I FAILED. MOST IMPORTANT, I FAILED JIMMY. YES, YOU DID, BUT THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, TO TAKE CARE OF YOU LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE. OH, HONEY... [ THUD ] [ SIGHS ] DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME YOU CAME HOME? AW, DAD... SOMETIMES I WISH YOU COULD HEAR ME, GIVE ME SOME ADVICE, TELL ME WHAT TO DO, HOW TO BE. [ FARTS ] BUT THEN THERE'S YOUR ANSWER, HUH? DON'T END UP LIKE YOU. [ GRUNTING ] OH. WHOA! OH! UGH! UGH! [ METAL CLANKING ] [ BONES CRACKING ] [ DOOR HINGES CREAK ] [ DOORBELL RINGS ] I'VE GOT SOME INFORMATION ABOUT THE CASE. DIDN'T YOU GET MY NOTE? I'M OUT, SHARON. JUST GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES. [ SIGHS ] I HAD THE TAPE ENHANCED. NOW, TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE. IS THAT -- WHOA! AW! UGH! [ EXHALES DEEPLY ] A TINY SATIN CAP? THAT, FRANK, IS A JOCKEY'S HAT. OH. "FAMED JOCKEY PEEDRO JIMENEZ'S CAR CAREENED OFF A CLIFF LATE LAST NIGHT." THAT JOCKEY DIDN'T DIE BY ACCIDENT, FRANK. HE WAS MURDERED. READ IT. HERE'S A LIS OF ALL THE P.I.P. POLICIES. OH, COOL, SCOTT BAIO HAS A P.I.P. POLICY! BUT WHY ARE THERE TWO ROWS OF NUMBERS? BECAUSE SOME P.I.P. POLICIES ARE DOUBLE COVERED -- THAT WAS THE CLASSIFIED INFORMATION -- INCLUDING PEEDRO JIMENEZ. HIS P.I.P.'s FOR $5 MILLION AND HIS LIFE INSURANCE IS FOR ONLY 75 GRAND? IF YOU WERE AN INSURANCE COMPANY, WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER PAY OUT, FIVE FIGURES OR SEVEN? CONGLOMERATE -- THEY KILLED JIMMY WHEN HE WAS ONTO THEM. WE NEED TO WARN EVERYBODY ON THAT LIST, AND WE CAN STAR WITH SCOTT BAIO. HE'S DOING "CELEBRITY BIG TOP" AT SAUGUS SPEEDWAY. S-S-SAUGUS SPEEDWAY? UH-HUH. BEAT IT, HUSSY. MY SON IS DONE RISKING HIS LIFE FOR A PAYCHECK. MRS. McKLUSKY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. FRANK AND I WERE -- WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING? UNTIL YOU WITNESS YOUR HUSBAND EXPLODE IN FRONT OF 5,000 PEOPLE, YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DO KNOW, MRS. McKLUSKY. I KNOW FRANK WAS BORN TO BE A CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR. FRANK, IF YOU DON'T TAKE A STAND RIGHT HERE AND NOW, THEN WE ALL LOSE, AND PEOPLE LIKE THEM, THEY WIN. I WILL FIGH TO GET YOU YOUR MONEY, AND WHEN I'M DONE GETTING YOU YOUR MONEY, I WILL GO GET YOU SOME MORE MONEY. THAT'S RIGHT, BIZOY, 'CAUSE WE GO THE MAD BENJAMINS IN THE HIZ-OUSE. ROSENGOLD AND ROSENGOLD, ATTORNEYS AT LAW. IT'S UP TO YOU. [ SIGHS ] I'M SORRY, SHARON, I CAN'T GO TO SAUGUS SPEEDWAY. IT'S WHERE MY DAD BLEW UP. I JUST CAN'T. NO, I'M SORRY, FRANK. I GUESS I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEBODY ELSE. WHAAA! AAAH! UH, SHARON, ARE YOU OKAY? IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU FELL DOWN SOME STEPS. I DID, BUT THAT'S LIFE, FRANK. SOMETIMES PEOPLE FALL DOWN. BUT DON'T YOU GET IT?! IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU QUIT WALKING! WHAAA! AAAH! [ GLASS SHATTERS ] UGH! YEAH, I COULDN'T HEAR A WORD YOU SAID. I'M WEARING THE HELMET, REMEMBER? [ WHIMPERS ] HMM! WELCOME TO "CELEBRITY BIG TOP." I'M YOUR HOST, GARY OWENS. TODAY YOU'LL SEE SUCH OLD FAVORITES AS LOU FERRIGNO, EMMANUEL LEWIS, WILLIE TYLER AND LESTER, EVEN A BROKEN NOSE COULDN' KEEP ME FROM THIS EVENT. A BROKEN NOSE? [ GASPS ] OH, NO! SCOUT BAYOU'S GONNA BE THERE TODAY TO KILL SCOTT BAIO. I GOT TO WARN SHARON. FRANKIE! WHERE YOU GOIN'? MOM, I GOT TO HELP SHARON. SHE'S MY PARTNER, AND SHE NEEDS ME. I CAN'T QUIT ON HER NOW. A GOOD C.I. -- NEWS FLASH -- USUALLY WHEN A PERSON GETS FIRED, THEY DON'T DO THAT JOB ANYMORE. THAT'S JUST IT, MOM. MY JOB MIGHT BE OVER, BUT MY LIFE'S JUST BEGINNING. I'M JUST REALIZING THAT NOW. DON'T YOU SEE? EVER SINCE JIMMY DIED, I FINALLY BEGAN LIVING. I REMEMBER DAD ALWAYS HAD A SMILE ON HIS FACE. NOW I KNOW WHY. [ THUD ] 'CAUSE HE WAS ALIVE. I ALIVE. YEAH, HOLD ON, DAD, I-I'M GETTING TO SOMETHING HERE. OHH! LARRY! DAD! OH! OH, HONEY! OH! UGH! [ LAUGHS ] OH! [ LAUGHS ] OH, THANKS. I'D HUG YOU GUYS BACK, BUT I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS. MY MUSCLES KIND OF ATROPHIED ON ACCOUNT OF THE UNCONSCIOUS-COMA SORT OF DEAL, SO... EDITH, YOU'RE A GOOD WOMAN -- YOU ALWAYS WERE -- BUT, DAMN IT, YOU GOTTA LET GO OF THE BOY. YOU RAISED A TOUGH KID. YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. [ CRACKING ] A-A-A-AND I'M SPENT. I GOTTA GO. FRANKIE, WAIT! LOOK, MOM, I TOLD YOU, I -- IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A DAREDEVIL HERO... ...I THINK YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOMETHING. [ HINGES CREAK ] SAY, "YEAH!" OW! [ ENGINE TURNS OVER ] [ REVVING ] [ Muffled ] GOOD LUCK! WHAT? [ Muffled ] GOOD LUCK! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! [ AIR HISSES ] [ GASPS ] [ Normal voice ] I SAID... [ Muffled ] GOOD LUCK. SAY, "YEAH!" Frank: I HAD THE MADMAN'S MOTO-PSYCHO, AND I HAD THE MADMAN'S JUMPSUIT. NOW I NEEDED TO SEE IF I HAD THE MADMAN'S ABILITIES. AAAH! [ THUD ] OH! Owens: BROADCASTING LIVE FROM SAUGUS, CALIFORNIA, IT'S "CELEBRITY BIG TOP"! [ CROWD GASPS ] WOW! WEBSTER DOESN'T EVEN FLINCH AS THE HULK WINGS THOSE KNIVES AT HIM. IF COURAGE WERE MEASURED IN HEIGHT, THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH WOULD BE 10 FEET TALL. [ METAL PINGS ] DUDE, WATCH THE 'FRO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW HIM FROM "HAPPY DAYS," YOU KIND OF REMEMBER HIM FROM "CHARLES IN CHARGE," AND YOU'RE PROBABLY UNAWARE THAT HE WAS ON "DIAGNOSIS MURDER." LET'S GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR... SCOTT BAIO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ Laughing ] YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! WHOO! IT'S HIM -- SCOUT BAYOU! [ SHOES SQUEAKING ] [ DRUMROLL ] WELL, APPARENTLY AN ANGRY CLOWN AND A WOMAN FROM THE CROWD HAVE DECIDED TO JOIN THE FUN. LET'S GIVE THEM A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, SHALL WE? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ ENGINE RUMBLING ] [ SIGHS ] GUESS WHO'S BACK. [ WHISTLING ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ DRUMROLL CONTINUES ] BAIO! GET BACK HERE! Owens: OH, NO! THE CLOWN IS ABOUT TO CUT THE WIRE WITH HIS GIANT WIRE CUTTERS. IS THIS THE END FOR SCOTT BAIO? [ ALL GASP ] [ HORN HONKS ] HEY, LOOK -- IT'S AMERICA'S FAVORITE JIVE-TALKIN' PUPPET. IT'S LESTER! WHAT'S UP, YO?! Sharon: NO! DON'T LOOK AT THE PUPPET! LOOK AT THE CLOWN, THE CLOWN! HEY! THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, DAD. [ ENGINE REVVING ] AAAAAH! [ GASPS ] AAAAAH! CHACHI-I-I-I! CHACHI! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ SIGHS ] [ TIRES SCREECH ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ] [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] FRANK! YOU SHOWED UP! AAAH! STAY RIGHT THERE, McKLUSKY, OR SHE DIES! [ CROWD GASPS ] STOP THE CAR, PUPPET. WHAT? HIT THE FREAKIN' GAS, LESTER! CHILL, MY MAN! [ TIRES SQUEAL ] HOLD ON, BAIO. [ ENGINE REVS ] [ TIRES SQUEAL ] UGH! WHOA! [ TIRES SQUEAL ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ TIRES SQUEAL, HORNS BLARE ] [ HORNS HONKING ] [ WHIMPERING ] WHO ARE YOU?! AND WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?! NAME'S FRANK McKLUSKY. I WAS AN INSURANCE CLAIMS INVESTIGATOR. OH. REMEMBER EPISODE 66 OF "CHARLES IN CHARGE," WHEN YOU GOT BONKED ON THE HEAD AND BECAME YOUR EVIL ALTER EGO CHAS, WHO THEN BEAT UP DANIEL BALDWIN AT THE PIZZA PARLOR? YEAH. WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING? NOTHING. YOU WERE JUS GREAT IN THAT EPISODE. WHAT?! [ PANTING ] [ GRUNTING ] UH-OH. HYAH! OH! [ GASPS ] WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I'M JUST A PUPPETEER, MAN! DON'T KILL ME! UGH! AAAH! WATCH OUT! UGH! WHOA! [ TIRES SCREECH ] ARE YOU OKAY? THANKS FOR TRYING TO SAVE ME. [ PANTING ] WHOA. DUDE... YOUR NOSE. OH, JEEZ. MY LAWYER TOLD ME THAT I COULD PICK UP SOME QUICK CASH BY DOING THIS. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING -- JOANIE MAY LOVE CHACHI, BUT CHACHI HATES THE RESIDUALS. McKLUSKY! I TOLD YOU, BUT YOU COULDN'T LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE, COULD YOU? AND NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO YOU THE WAY I DID HERB! WAIT, YOU'RE GAY, TOO? I KILLED HIM, ASSHOLE. [ VEHICLE APPROACHES ] AW! [ GROANS ] WELL, WELL, WELL. ISN'T IT NICE THAT THE GANG'S ALL HERE? AND WHAT A PLACE FOR THE PARTY, A PLACE I LIKE TO CALL "ADIOS, PEEDRO." TELL ME YOU KILLED MY PARTNER AND THE RES OF THOSE OTHER PEOPLE FOR SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE MONEY. NO, IT WAS ALL FOR THE MONEY. YOU SEE, McKLUSKY, I HAD YOUR ASS PEGGED AS A SHUT-IN FREAK. I THOUGHT I COULD PU YOUR EAGER ASS WITH McKLUSKY AND HAVE HIM STIFLE YOU WITH A MILLION RULES AND REGULATIONS, BUT, NO, YOU TWO HAD TO GO AND ACT AS A TEAM. WELL, NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE AS A TEAM. KILL THEM, BAYOU, AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT. I'M NOT KILLING ANYONE. I WAS TALKING TO THE BALD GUY, JACKASS. OH. NOOOO! [ GUNSHOT ] [ THUD ] UGH! [ THUD ] OHHH! RRRRRR. Sharon: FRANK, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? [ LAUGHS ] WOW. [ ENGINE TURNS OVER ] [ METAL CREAKING ] WHAT THE HELL?! [ ENGINE REVVING ] STRONG GIRL. [ TIRES SQUEAL ] WHOA! [ CRASHING ] OUCH. I GUESS THIS HANDBOOK WAS GOOD FOR SOMETHING. YOU KNOW IT'S AGAINS RULE 38, SUBSET 6B, FOR A SENIOR TO KISS HIS JUNIOR. YEAH, WELL... [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] SCREW THE BOOK. [ WHOOSHING ] [ THUD ] OW! OKAY, WHO'S THE DICK THROWIN' BOOKS? [ SLAP! ] AAAH! ARE YOU OKAY, FRANKIE? UH, FREEDA, HAVE YOU MET SCOTT BAIO? HE'S A ROCK-'N'-ROLL SUPERHUNK. PHEW! GOOD CALL. RRRRRRR. EW. UH, UH, UH... WANT TO TOUCH MY BOOBS? HOW'S THAT, NOW? [ LAUGHS ] Frank: EVERYTHING TURNED OUT ALL RIGHT. I FOUND JIMMY'S KILLER, GOT THE GIRL, AND MY DAD FELL OUT OF HIS UNCONSCIOUS-COMA TYPE DEAL, WHICH REMINDED ME... THERE'S ONE MORE THING I NEED TO DO. ...WITH SCOTT BAIO'S PHONY-NOSE CONFESSION, I FINALLY HAD THE EVIDENCE TO PUT AWAY THE REIGNING KINGS OF INSURANCE FRAUD ONCE AND FOR ALL. THE ROSENGOLDS DID IT! [ GAVEL BANGS ] Judge: I HEREBY SENTENCE THE ROSENGOLDS TO 20 YEARS IN A MAXIMUM-SECURITY PRISON. Ronnie: A GRIEVOUS ERROR, YOUR HONOR! I OBJECT THE SHI OUT OF THIS BEE-ATCH! A TRAVESTY! THEY GONNA TURN ME INTO A GIRL, RONNIE! IT'S NOT THAT BAD. [ CHEERING ] Frank: MY DAD ALWAYS SAID YOU CAN'T ACHIEVE ANYTHING WITHOUT TAKING A RISK. HE WAS RIGHT. I TOOK A CHANCE ON MYSELF, AND I PUT MY FAMILY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. [ UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS ] [ MUSIC CONTINUES ] [ MUSIC CONTINUES ] [ MUSIC CONTINUES ] [ MUSIC ENDS ] |
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