Hey!
You piece of shit. We were having
some fun for just one moment,
and then you had to go
and fuck it up.
- I'm done listening to you.
- Well, I'll tell you something,
- you're nothin' without me.
- For the love of god,
- go away, stop!
- I've tried.
I have tried and I am out
of Patience with you.
I'm sick and tired
of being the one inside
trying to get out all the time.
Hey, I got tired
of waiting for you and...
- Ashley.
- Nick.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were
going to school today.
What's going on here?
What's he doing in your room?!
Hey man, I'm Elliot.
Actually Nick,
that's "fuckjerry,"
- he's just being modest.
- Okay, but what's "fuckjerry"
- doing in your bed?
- Are you calling me a slut?
- What're you doing?
- What is this?
- Your face is priceless.
- Did you take a picture of me?
- Delete it. -Elliot, could
you just give us a minute?
Yeah Elliot, can you give
us a moment, please?
That'd be great, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Why do you always do this
whenever I hang out
with a guy friend?
- You are ruining us.
- Hey, she's obviously
she's fucking this dude, okay?
She fucked Jerry
because she needs validation.
Lot of girls with low self-esteem
and daddy issues do that.
Hello?
Here's the deal.
We're done.
I'm out of your league.
And you're sad and pathetic
and I need someone
- who's better than you.
- Let me just hold you.
- Maybe if we held each other,
- okay, ew, ew, gross.
We would understand,
we would remember how it feels
- to be in each other's arms.
- Don't touch me.
Please, please, don't go, Ashley...
Fuck, man.
- Oh, come on.
- Sorry bro.
Hey ginger, sweet tits,
can you bring me
another beer please?
- Ginger...
- Love you.
It's me.
- Hey.
- Here you go.
Well, hello there,
Nicholas, thank you.
What's wrong?
Why... why so down?
Ashley and I kinda had
a fight today.
So what?
Big deal.
Done.
Look, here's the thing.
You're going to college, right?
Tomorrow you're gonna join
a fraternity,
you're gonna be like
your old man.
You're gonna meet
some other women there,
some other hot asses.
You are gonna have
truffle butter
out the wazoo, my friend.
That and PJ cocktails.
Every hour is gonna be
PJ cocktail hour.
- I don't know.
- Anything you want,
you're going to live
like a king.
- That's not me.
- I don't want to hear that.
You are a frat man
just like me.
- Trust me on this.
- Okay.
As long as you don't say
"PJ cocktail" ever again.
Oh, my god.
I could go for
one of those right now.
- Stop it.
- Oh, come on,
- I'm just joshin' with ya.
- It's weird, though.
- No, you're not.
- Ohh!
Oh! Look at this room.
Oh my gosh, are you Nick?
- No, I'm Nick's dad.
- Okay.
- My name's Eugene.
- Eugene.
You may have
heard of me on campus,
- they knew me as Euey.
- Euey! Yes, man!
- Billy Hawkins.
- Billy. Hi, how are you?
Nice to meet you.
I'm great.
Firm handshake
you got there, Billy.
Let me, uh, introduce
you to the, uh,
the real roommate, if I may.
- Nick.
- Hey.
Nick.
Handshake.
Hmm, look at you.
Don't need those.
Ah, look at that.
That's bonding Nick.
That's bonding, Nick.
Welcome to the first day
of the rest of your life.
Just what
we've been telling him.
That is what we have been
telling him the whole drive up.
- Wow.
- How are you?
- Oh, gosh.
- Hi.
I'm sorry, that's ginger.
She's my lovely wife.
- Billy Hawkins.
- What a pleasure.
- An honor.
- What a pleasure.
Kisses on both sides,
very European.
You know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, sure.
- Mr. Nick.
- Yes, sir.
- I gotta ask you.
- Go.
- Are you a Whitehallian?
- Uh, delta kappa '89.
- God, I knew it.
- Oh, no. Stop. No.
- I knew it, dude.
- Oh, come on.
- I saw it in your bones,
- you were radiating it.
- Oh, stop it.
- Come on.
- That's not true.
You were the class
that did the thing
with the pigs
and the lead paint.
That's the pig pit.
- You...
- With the...
Whoop, bom-bing.
- And then the...
- Bop... okay...
- And then we go...
- We go that and then we...
- And then you...
- Oh!
- Oh!
- And then it goes on the...
- Boh! Boh!
- And then it's...
- Ooo-ooo-ah.
- God! Oh!
- Man! You gotta stay.
- Here?
We're having orientation
and then Phidelt
is throwing this party
and it's gonna be insane.
- Wait, today?
- Yeah, 5:30.
- No, no, no. -Well, I
can do that, it's 5:30,
that's not a big deal,
I can stay for 5:30.
Please, Mrs. Nick!
It's at 5:30, I can stay...
- And just...
- Dad, dad.
What, dad, what?
It would be fun,
- it would...
- It's his day, honey.
- Please?
- All right, she's spoken.
The law!
The great and powerful ginger.
- Ah.
- So, uh, next time then.
- One month.
- Get another bed in here.
Next time I'll spend the night.
- Work on him for me, will ya?
- Gotcha.
- Okay.
- We're going to shape him.
Okay, just bring him
out of his shell.
- He's getting out!
- All right.
- Thank you, Billy.
- God bless you, Mr. Nick.
God loves you.
All right, thank you.
Aw. Mwah.
Listen, I got you
a little something.
Uh, you know this is college,
and so I figured you need these.
Uh, you wanna wear 'em
all the time.
No, I don't want to
wear them all the time.
No, you do. I'm wearing
one right now.
- What?
No, you're not.
Well, you never know.
Don't tell me that,
that's disgusting, dad.
It's a joke.
Take 'em.
Take 'em from me, with my love.
All right, look, seriously,
you're gonna be okay here,
all right?
Just follow Billy's lead.
He'll show you the ropes, okay?
All right, dad.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
- Bye.
- Bye.
See you, dad.
- Welcome back, Roomie.
- Hey.
You say goodbye
to mommy and daddy?
- Yeah, they're gone.
- Good.
Okay, what's your
pregame preference?
Uh, I was gonna
go to orientation.
Orientation, my friend,
we know our gender, all right?
Not needed. What're you
already working on?
Um, it's just
the financial aid form.
There's a meeting
this afternoon.
There's nothing on it right now.
It's, uh, it's blank.
There's nothing on it right now.
Okay, Nick, um,
this is gonna sound crazy.
You're not gonna
understand this,
but, uh, no one can
know about this.
Why?
The people in this world,
they're insane.
And if they find out
that you are on financial aid,
they're gonna rip
your fucking face off.
Uh, that doesn't make any sense.
And I know,
I know it's crazy, dude.
My dad doesn't make
any money, either, okay?
He's on some fucking boat
in the middle of nowhere
with his next ex-wife,
but nobody knows about that,
and nobody
can know about this either,
because if they do,
there's no hope for you.
You understand?
Uh, not really,
but, uh, okay, um,
yeah, I'll keep between us,
not tell anybody..
- Okay, okay.
- Okay?
Okay. Okay.
Wow, that was intense.
- Oh, man.
- Okay.
Oh, my god.
Hi, ladies.
- Do you like fireball?
- -Yeah.
- Wow, I'm Billy.
- Olivia.
I like that name.
Do you know my friend Nick?
- No. Hello.
- Hi.
- Nicholas Cooper.
- Hey.
- Hi. I like your glasses.
- What's your guys' major?
- Art.
- Me, too.
- His is, too!
- Aw!
We'll probably have
a class together maybe.
- No, we're just visiting.
- What is this?
You drink that up, man.
It's America in a bottle.
- You never had fireball before?
- Smells like cinnamon gum.
- Oh, this is so cute
- oh, that's so cute.
- Ah! What is wrong with you?!
- Are you kidding me?!
I'm sorry.
- Jesus Christ, get out! -You know
what, ladies, thank you for coming.
We're gonna clean this up,
and we're gonna be with you
- outside in just one minute. -Good
luck getting into any house,
- you fucking pussies.
- Such losers!
All right, bye-bye.
Wow. That went well.
I want you to practice
sipping that,
and, uh, you're gonna...
No, it's gonna be fine.
No, that's... that's...
It's... it's not me, okay.
That's, that's obviously
not my thing.
Nick, come on, man, you had one
little bump, we're gonna rebound.
We're gonna go to this party
and everything's
gonna be awesome, okay?
I don't wanna go to a party.
You go.
Have fun.
I'm gonna get some work done.
All right, bro.
But I tried, and I'll be
there if you need me.
And I'm...
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna be okay,
but I'm gonna miss you.
And if you need me,
I'll be at that party.
Here we go!
He's texting me again.
- Let me see.
- Look.
Oh, my god, this kid is so sad.
Ugh, he needs help.
I have an idea.
Wanna help fix this kid?
How?
What're you doing?
Gotta break him down
to build him up.
Let me see.
"Hashtag Nick Cooper is sad."
Ouch.
Do it!
Hi. I applaud
your work ethic,
considering school
hasn't even started yet,
but you're coming
to this Rager, okay?
I was there, and I was trying
to have a really good time,
but all I could think of was you
and it was really fucking gay,
so let's fucking go.
Let's fucking go!
How's it going, guys?
Can I borrow these for a minute?
Thank you.
Hold this.
Whoa!
Man, what's going on?
- What the fuck is that?
- What?
- It's a cup.
- A blue cup.
How dare you bring these
blue liberal bullshit colors
- into this house.
- I'm not a liberal.
I mean, you're
wearing blue, man.
Trump!
Wow, don't worry, man.
It's cool.
Hey guys, I see you
guys, uh, met Benjamin.
Hi, I'm Billy.
Hi, how are you?
I'm Joshua.
- My friend Nick.
- I'm Adam.
- Nice to meet you.
- Glad you guys stopped by.
You have a good time, all right?
All right.
What the hell
was that all about?
That my friend,
that's our future.
That's our future?
Those guys?
- Which girl you want?
- Uh, none.
- That one.
- No.
She's an antelope, you're a lion
- on the planes of Africa.
- Like an anteater, more
- and she... she's...
- Shh shh shh shh... go.
I'll be here.
- You can do it, Nick.
- Okay.
Um, hi.
What's your name?
Hey. The ultimate
Frisbee competition
isn't till tomorrow, faggot.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
What the fuck was that?
Ah, hey, hey.
No, it's cool, it's cool.
That was a lay up man,
you gotta dunk that shit.
That went about as well
as a Shaq free throw.
Yeah, tell her that.
No. You do it.
- You want me to do it?
- Sure.
Hi, there.
- How's it going?
- Hi.
That went about as well
as a Shaq free throw.
That was a good one.
- It's good, right?
- Yeah.
Segregation kinda made
some sense.
Oil-water situation.
I just think we really need
to focus on, you know,
the reasons why we haven't had
African-Americans here.
Black, you can say black,
they're not here.
All right, Mr. PC.
I'm gonna put this in terms
so that you can understand.
Go to any high school
in this country
and look at how kids choose
to sit at the lunch tables.
People like their own kind.
All right, we're not forcing
anybody into a situation
that they don't already
choose for themselves.
Natural selection.
- In scientific terms.
- But let's not, like,
shove it in someone's face
that we all own s-classes.
I would never,
'cause I drive a g-wagon.
Listen, I don't wear the same
pair of underwear every day,
why am I gonna drive
the same color range rover
- every month?
- That's true.
I just think that we need
to have like, you know,
not like black
celebrity kids but like,
like real black people, ya know?
What do you mean black,
'real black people'?
You know, like... like,
like real, like... like...
Hey Amanda, is your
sorority diverse?
Yeah, I mean we have a lot
of different colored uggs.
- See.
- Just some color,
I just want some color, man,
color scheme,
change it up a little
bit, you know?
- So get in the sun.
- How about a mulatto?
- You wanna go sit down?
- Yeah.
- You happy now?
- Yeah, guess so.
Tell him, not to do
this ever again.
Come on dude,
you know like, like, uh...
Dah, dah, dah!
Hey.
You look like
you're having a blast.
Yeah? Well, what gave that away?
Don't worry, this is not
really for me, either.
I'm... I'm Nick.
I'm Rosanna.
Nice to meet you, Rosanna.
I really like your outfit.
Thanks, we all had to wear them.
I think you wore yours best.
You're sweet.
So, uh, what do you
want to major in?
- Probably music.
- Yeah?
I like art history.
Actually here on
a scholarship for it.
Is it the Watson
fellowship program?
Yeah.
How'd you know that?
My dad is actually
a professor here
in the art history department.
Yeah, I'd love
to meet him sometime.
Rosanna?
Thank god.
The ZB babes
are looking for you.
The real party
is going on inside.
I gotta take you with me.
Hey, Adam.
- Yeah, for sure.
- Right this way.
- I'll see you around.
- Um...
You having a good time,
little buddy?
Welcome to my humble abode.
Is your roommate here?
I don't want your name
to be Melissa tonight.
I want it to be fucking Megan.
- Megan?
- Yeah.
Get on there.
Okay, Megan, come here.
- Motherfuck...
- Melissa.
- Here I come. Ugh!
- Oh, god, oh!
Holy fuck, Megan.
Okay, I got a plan.
I got a plan.
Let me get up here,
let me get up here,
let me get up here.
Let me get up...
Put your finger... put your
finger in my asshole.
Put your finger in my ass.
Put it in.
Go.
Ah!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Yeah...
It's Melissa.
Just get the hell out
of here, okay?
But you're welcome back
any time!
- Good morning!
- Good morning.
Morning, bro.
That was horrifying, Billy.
That was incredible.
What'd you think of her?
Well, got nothing on
my girlfriend.
Oh, yeah?
Does your girlfriend
have beautiful breasts
- like that?
- I tried not to look,
but my girlfriend
has a beautiful body, yes.
Well, if she's got
a body like that,
then you can get with any
body in this campus.
No comment.
Too bad I still love
my girlfriend. Okay?
What is this girlfriend
you're talking about?
Let's see.
Is this her?
Yeah.
Who's "fuckjerry"?
He's a friend.
Doesn't really look like
her friend.
- What the hell...
- Just... just listen, man.
"When the bf is like
'we need to talk, '
and the GF says
'who are you again?'"
"hashtag Nick Cooper is sad."
- We are not broken up.
- I think you are, man.
But you know what?
It's okay.
Because you are here
for a reason.
The parties, the women,
- everything.
- See, see,
you talk about women. I don't want
to get with random college girls.
- No. No.
- That's not for me, okay?
No, no, Nick.
Not random, my friend. No.
Carefully sought out,
vetted, and FDA approved.
I love Ashley,
and Ashley loves me.
Okay?
So, think about it.
Think about it.
I'll be in my dressing room.
You did not tell him
that I'm coming to campus.
- Why?
- I was bored.
I also asked him
to give you money.
Ooh. That's good.
How much?
- 300.
- Hmm.
So does this mean that
we're going to campus?
I guess.
Ha, he's gonna lose his shit.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, bud.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- Good.
Hey, what's that kid's deal?
- Oh, Nick?
- Yeah.
That's my roommate.
He's the coolest guy.
Coolest guy ever.
Why's he sitting alone?
Ah, he's hard to get to know.
He, he comes from
this really old money in Ohio.
- Cooper tire.
- Nice.
Yeah.
He could use our company.
Yeah? Yeah, for sure. Uh, Nick!
Come here.
He's shy, you know,
but couple of shots in him,
he's great.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, boys.
Haven't seen you around
in a while.
Just lots of work, you know?
Let me give you
some unsolicited advice.
You don't actually
have to do work.
- What does that mean?
- If you know the right people,
things are made easier.
And a hell of a lot more fun.
- Do you do work?
- No.
- See.
- See what?
- Benjamin's always right.
- That's retarded.
Benjamin's definitely
always right.
Correct. We're having
another party this weekend.
Boys would love
to see you there.
See you, guys.
The "boys would love
to see you there."
I don't know, man.
I was gonna reread the "series
of unfortunate events."
No, listen to me.
There is a hot young
lit major out there
who's dying
to nibble on your balls
and tell you everything
you need to know
about that book, okay?
- Books. It's a series...
- Never heard of it.
Of unfortunate...
Okay.
Ay, Yi, Yi,
I guess this is the place.
Okay, let's do it.
I made them think that thetas
were asking for you.
I'm a genius.
You good?
All right.
Let's get back in there.
- Boot and rally.
- Boot and rally
Ashley. Oh, my god,
it's great to see you.
- You look amazing.
- Okay, yes, I'm here.
Do you have my money?
Hey Ashley,
not... not like this.
I... I thought,
I thought we...
Then, like, what, Nick?
You thought what?
This is your
ex-girlfriend Ashley?
- Yes.
- How are you here?
How am I here?
He texts me, everywhere.
- Don't text her, Nick.
- Nick, we're over.
Okay, we just wanted
to tell you together
since his posts weren't enough.
Yeah, sorry buddy,
things happen.
Things happen?
Like you steal my girlfriend!
If you would
just explain to me why,
- them maybe I'd understand.
- You know why, Nick.
Everyone knows why.
Listen, I'll retire
the "Nick Cooper is sad" tag,
although everyone loves it.
Wait, are you the Nick Cooper of
"hashtag Nick Cooper is sad"?
Holy shit!
Yeah, he's my ex,
but, um, now I'm with Elliot.
He's fuckjerry.
Really?
Will you do a shot off my tits?
Sure.
- I mean, it's all I'm asking.
- Just don't cry again, please.
I'm so glad
I'm breaking up with you.
- We don't have to.
- Bye.
- Thank you, Ashley.
- Doesn't have to be this way.
- Please, Ashley!
- Nick,
- you're stronger than this.
- I love you...
You don't love her,
you're an asshole.
- Stow and go.
- That's not me.
- Say it to me, stow and go.
- That's not me.
- Stow and go.
- Boot and rally.
- Boot and rally.
- Let's do this shit.
Boot and rally.
The "fuckjerry" nonsense
ends right now.
Remember that this is a sport
and confidence is everything.
- You do soulcycle?
- Yeah, why?
I, uh, thought I recognized
you from somewhere.
See, man.
That's how you do it.
You spit some game
and you give her some e.
Okay, dude,
this is the only way
to get back at your ex, okay?
And because I'm the man,
we're gonna get you
some sweet, sweet redemption.
- So you hold these.
- Please don't give her both.
And you remember
what I told you.
You act like you know
she wants to fuck you,
because she does.
And you watch Ashley
lose her mind.
Balls, it's gonna
take some balls.
Make us proud.
So, uh, decided to drop
ultimate Frisbee.
- Just wasn't for me.
- Oh, really?
- You look like you need this.
- Nick, right?
- Very good.
- Well, I'm very good.
What does he hold your hand
when you pee, too?
That means she likes
golden showers.
- Oh my god, shut up.
- Oh, yeah?
No tootsie pop, no lap dog.
You have 20 seconds
to prove your worth.
I had a girlfriend
for three years.
That don't mean shit, freshman.
Ah! Okay, freshman.
Shit... Oh, oh.
Oh, my god.
Okay, fuck.
Oh, my god.
Nick.
It's me.
Oh hi, good morning.
Good morning.
- Are you okay?
- Billy.
What's going on?
Are you pregnant?
No.
I'm not pregnant.
- What happened?
- I hooked up.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh. Good morning!
Wow!
With Nicolette?
Yes. So um,
she gave me a hand job,
and then I went down on her.
No, what? No.
Your dick's out
and she's not sucking it, why?
My dick wasn't out
actually. Um...
No! She gave you a OTPHJ,
that's so embarrassing.
- She cried.
- What? You hit her?
No, no, I didn't hit her.
No, I can do this thing
with my tongue.
I learned it with my ex, Ashley.
Made Nicolette cry.
But there was no
connection, and that's...
Connection?! You made a ZB cry,
you mean, like... like tears?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, Nick!
The next four years are looking
very up right now, my friend.
You're gonna be the man
all over frat row, dude.
That girl is telling
all the other girls
about what you did.
We're gonna sell posters
of your fucking face.
Girls all over town and beyond
are gonna fucking...
- "Ah!" They're gonna "ah..."
- Stop it.
To your fucking face bro, yes!
- I guess.
- No, you know, man.
Is it romantic?
Doesn't sound very romantic.
Romantic! This is not a
"pride and prejudice" novel,
not that I read it,
I just know the plot,
- this is college.
- Right.
College!
Yes, Mr. Cooper.
Yes!
Oh, Mr. Cooper.
Mr., Mr. Cooper.
Do you need something, Billy?
- Yeah, this has to stop.
- What does?
This. You.
Where have you been?
I miss my friend.
- Billy, I've got work to do.
- No, Nick! No!
You have life
and you have parties
and you have girls to do.
This will always be there,
that, that will not.
This is your moment.
What is this?
Walt, who's Walt Whitman?
Don't throw Whitman.
It's homework, okay?
Which I don't think I've ever
seen you consider doing.
- Of course not. -Look,
I've gotta maintain a 3.4
for my financial aid.
Nick, hey, we talked about that.
You do not bring that up.
We have to build up
our connections.
- No. No, we don't.
- You know that thing
you did with Nicolette.
Good shit, right?
Well, it has
a short half-life
and you're letting it
fucking decay.
Girls forget, and they move on.
You gotta get 'em
while you're hot.
Billy, I told you,
it felt hollow.
- Okay?
- -Oh.
It's not the time for love.
The more girls that you slay,
the more those bros will play.
And then the more options
that we'll have.
But I don't want to get
with random girls,
just so I can get in
a house that I don't...
Balls!
You're killing me, Nick.
- Stop.
- -Hey.
People are trying to study.
- Sorry.
- Look at them go, Nick.
There they go.
Never to be seen again
if you don't pick up your
motherfucking game.
Billy, I've got work to do.
You've got a shot at greatness
and you're throwing it all away,
and Mr. Nick's
gonna be fucking pissed.
Just go, just... just...
Just go away, please.
- Slither... slither out of here.
- I'm going.
But I'm going
with hope in my heart,
hope, and it's right here,
that you're gonna turn around.
Okay.
Arrivederci!
Hey buddy,
how about the next time
you and, uh, your
boyfriend get in a tiff,
you don't do it in a library.
He's... he's not my...
My boyfriend.
Hey man, no judgment here, okay?
Okay.
There are books on the floor.
Why don't you clean up
after yourself, chief?
- Yeah, sorry.
- Were you raised in a barn?
Bro...
Look at you whining
like a little bitch.
Get out there.
Come on, Billy's right, okay?
These things do
have a half life,
and these girls
are gonna be moving on.
You gotta keep it up.
By the way, uh, I gotta say,
some good moves the other day.
All right, huddle up, freshmen.
Welcome to Phidelt, everybody.
I'm Adam Welker, president.
Whoo!
Now many of you guys are here,
because you want to join
our fraternity,
and truth be told,
why wouldn't you?
Whoo! Whoo!
If you guys go on
with the pledging process,
you're in for a very interesting
next couple of months.
At the end of which,
we will choose
the very best of you to join
our prestigious fraternity.
Now, the pledging process
is no walk in the park,
but I promise, if you succeed,
Phidelt will be
the best time of your life.
- To Phidelt!
- -To Phidelt!
- To Phidelt!
- Drink that shit!
So Nick, where else
did you apply to college?
Williams was my first choice.
If you'd gone to Williams, Nick,
you'd be working all day.
You would have had to put
your life on hiatus.
Dude, that's why
I didn't go to Williams.
- Super gay.
- Yeah, fuck those schools.
They're all work and no fun.
But, I mean, don't you need
to work hard in college,
- I mean, to get a good job?
- Oh, this guy!
- Come on, man, no!
- That's what dads are for.
Do not utter one more word
from that goddamn
fucking nerd brain of yours.
You tell them exactly what I
tell you to from here on out,
because when you don't
concentrate on my voice,
you say the absolute
worst fucking thing.
You fucking lost Ashley, man.
Fucking gone.
When you don't say
what I tell you to,
they'll want nothing to do with you.
You'll see.
Hey guys, then you
should've gone to brown
and taken intro
to dicksucking pass/fail.
All right.
Actually, I prefer their
course, I think it's called
tossing salad in Arabia?
Pass/fail, of course.
I've also heard
that their gender crisis
during the Cuban missile crisis
class is phenomenal.
- He's funny.
- He's a funny man!
No socialists in my house!
I'm not socialist.
I'm from San Francisco.
Outta the way.
Outta the way.
- Outta the way.
- I'm from San Francisco.
Outta the way.
Outta the way.
I'm gonna get you,
San Francisco.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Thought you disappeared.
I was just talking to Adam.
Adam, right.
So you guys like,
you guys like know each other?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I've been spending
a lot of time with the ZBS
and they are very close
to Phidelts.
- So...
- You know, uh,
I'm actually
considering pledging.
- Phidelt?
- Yeah.
You're joking.
They say it looks
great on a resume,
so we'll see.
You know, Nick,
the girls
were talking about you.
Uh, hey, uh,
that was, uh, I'm not like that.
Really? Because that's
not what I heard.
No, I just got out of like,
a three-year relationship.
I'm seriously not into
random hookups.
I promise.
Good.
Chong! Chong! Chong!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Hold it, hold it.
One must earn the right
- to use the word "nigger."
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't say that shit,
man, only I can say that.
- All right?
- Birthright!
How do you earn the
right to say it?
Only when you're
our kind of brother,
- will we let you know.
- That is correct.
Now let's carb up,
chitlins, and Xbox.
- Scooch.
- Oh Rosanna, let's go.
This party's dead,
and pike's having a Rager!
Uh...
This is Ashley. And Ashley
goes off with fuckjerry.
That... that's, that's over and
done with, we've had that happen.
Then there's Rosanna,
but, but then, you know what?
Maybe... may...
No, stop.
Shh... please.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Please. Oh, no,
that is not funny.
That is not...
I'm not gonna do that.
Because that's not me, man.
- Nick!
- Billy.
Hi.
Who are you talking to?
Huh.
Oh. Myself.
Look, Billy, I need your help.
- Okay, man.
- All right, okay.
So Rosanna, you know the girl
- I've been telling you about.
- Who?
Rosanna, you know she
plays the piano and...
- No.
- She plays the piano
and... and she's an amazing,
beautiful girl,
and we've had, we've had two
incredible conversations.
Like every time I get so close,
someone comes up
and interrupts it.
Okay, tonight was Amanda,
and then Adam,
Adam walked in the other day,
and he took her off.
I just can't seem
to get a break.
Well man, I told you, bro,
that's what you get
when you're the head
of fucking Phidelt.
- Everything.
- Apparently.
Let me break this down to you, Mr.
Cooper.
Your nice little girl
is pledging to be a ZB.
Now she cuddled up to you
and was really charming
and made you feel
all warm inside.
And then she moved on
to the head of Phidelt
where she did
the exact same thing.
Now, when you weren't looking,
she turned back to see if her little
game she played on you worked.
And guess what? It did.
Look at you, you're a mess.
Yeah, I know I'm a mess, Billy.
You don't have to tell me,
because I know it.
But I just feel like,
for the first time since,
like, way before I even met
Ashley, and it feels like
- it could be real, you know?
- Dude! Listen to you.
You're talking about
butterflies and electricity.
You sound like an insane person.
That woman is just like
all the others, okay?
And you're gonna see.
You're gonna walk into
this fucking room
and she's gonna have
three fingers in my ass.
And she's gonna be
sucking on Adam's dick,
and Benjamin, the old guy,
is gonna be filming
- the whole thing.
- She's not like that.
Stop talking about her
like you think
you know her, Billy!
- She's not like that!
- You're living in a dreamland!
But, actually,
it's not time for that.
This is college, bro.
And you wanna be a Phidelt,
and you wanna be a BMOC.
You are young,
you are in college,
and you should be fucking
as many girls as possible.
Oh my god, I'm upset,
Jesus Christ.
All right.
Okay. Okay.
Will you please
just be cool and fuck girls
and go to parties
and rock on like you born to do?
If you do that,
I will give you this drink.
I'm gonna try.
I'll try to be cool.
Give me more than that.
- I promise.
- Ah!
Take that.
- Cheers.
- I promise.
- To your calm body.
- Okay.
- This is terrible
- sit down here.
I know I'm a mess, but you don't
have to kill me for it, okay?
I think you're killing me,
and I gotta go to the bathroom.
I'm sorry.
He's crazy.
Rosanna, I know you have
a crush on someone.
Come on, just tell us.
Okay, I think that Nick is cute,
and he seems different.
- So...
- He's not.
That tongue is different.
- Is he pledging Phidelt?
- I think he's considering it.
Well, then, he's definitely not.
No guys, I had a conversation
with him the other night.
And he just got out of a
really long relationship,
and I think that he's
having a tough time.
- He's lying.
- Which is stupid,
'cause it's not like
we actually give a shit.
Exactly.
It's about keeping your number
- above his.
- My number?
Power of the pussy, Rosanna.
- Trust us.
- I'm sorry, what?
Pregame, party, sex, soul,
pregame, party, different sex,
- still drunk!
And once you've seen every
Phidelt, Alphadelt,
and Sigep's rope face,
you own them.
They think this is their sport.
- Trust us.
- It's not.
So, Auggie.
Who are you liking?
It's Billy Hawkins comes from
a Virginian line
- with deep confederate roots.
- How deep?
His great-great-granddad
is Jefferson Davis.
- Deep.
- His family bought
a ton of land from the
Choctaw in Mississippi.
Now his roommate, Cooper,
interesting case.
Billy's bringing out
a lot out in him,
but the whole fuckjerry
thing, I mean,
"hashtag Nick Cooper is sad,"
it's just depressing.
Benjamin, how does
this make you feel?
- Fuck fuckjerry.
- It's press.
- He's a Jew.
- It's good press.
- It's Jew press.
- What press isn't?
But keep in mind that his family
is the Cooper tire family.
- Nationals would love that.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'm not sure about this kid.
- I'm with Auggie on this one.
Hey, I like
the Cooper tire connection.
I think it says a lot.
What're we planning
for the pledges?
Brothers,
I have deep concerns.
Over the past few years,
we've gone soft on pledges,
and as a result,
our house has become
a gaping receptacle.
Our front door,
it's loose, sloppy.
- Flabby.
- That's why I want
our next pledge class
to be the white hot
cream of the crop.
I want that white hot cream
all over this house.
- All over us.
- Yeah.
I want to ride
these pledges hard.
I want to ride 'em harder
during hell week,
and I want the hunt
to be kinkier, riskier,
- and I want to see more paddlings.
- Yeah.
I wanna ride
those pledges so hard,
they're on all fours,
begging us, in the name of
Phidelt, "please stop."
And that, my brothers,
is how you get the most
premium, exquisite pledge class,
molded in our bare hands
like supple Clay.
From a gentile fountain.
All right, now listen up,
you candyasses.
You guys made it this far
and to that I say
congratufuckinglations, huh?
That just means
from here on out,
everything you have
is yours to lose.
For the next few weeks,
you guys are going
to have to prove
every bit of your worth.
You guys have
a golden opportunity
to become members of the group
of the most influential people
ever birthed by
our great nation.
Chester a. Arthur.
Nelson a. Rockefeller.
Leona Helmsley's dog.
- Woof.
- Yeah.
Michael bay,
and of course, my dad.
- Let's go.
- A-ho!
- Chong Chang.
- Chong has the potential
to be the next Len fang.
He got a five on every AP.
One of two kids
in the world to do it,
the other being Spencer
Reid from "criminal minds."
Jamarcus Johnson,
St. Paul's.
All hail token.
- Oh, yes!
- Token? Cute.
Chad Grazier.
Now Chad here is a specimen.
6'4", 220, 210. Hell,
once we've all moved on,
Chad might have a chance at
being the face of the house.
Oh, my god.
Whoa!
Mind the wing tips, bro!
JT.
JT's dad got a beej
from Cindy Crawford once.
In that case, I'll let it slide.
Uh, Jake.
His dad owns the 54th largest yacht
in the world, named "trs Riche."
I know what
we're doing for spring break.
Zachary Rockefeller.
Greenwich country day,
then Brunswick,
then transferred to deerfield,
- then PGED at Taft.
- Whoa, calm down sailor,
that's a hell of a resume.
You guys could take
a note or two.
Billy Hawkins,
the Whitehall university,
honor to be here, sir!
What're you gonna bring
to the Phidelts.
Ya know, other than Cooper.
Nick Cooper.
How much interaction do you have
with the family business?
I work at dad's plant
in the summer, why?
Ah, start at the bottom,
learn the business,
working your way to the top.
I like that.
This is my favorite party.
We had so much fun last year.
You spent four hours
throwing up off the front porch.
I know!
So who are you gonna hook
up with tonight, Courtney?
- Anyone who's fresh meat.
- That's my girl.
I think the real question is,
who's our little Princess
Rosanna gonna hook up with?
Nobody!
- She's so judgmental.
- She's super prudish.
I know. I feel like she
was really mean to me.
She doesn't have
any ZB qualities.
Well, we'll just have to see
if she can become
a beautiful ZB swan.
Mm, so...
- That's a nice top.
- Why, thank you.
I just wanted you to know
that tonight,
I slay Nick Cooper.
Oh, Rosie, Rosie, Rosie,
what's the matter?
I just don't get it.
You guys begged me
to tell you who I like
and the one guy I say I'm
interested in is the one guy
that Courtney has to go after.
Yeah, Rosanna.
This isn't about Nick.
It's about the ZB way of life.
And if you can't handle it,
I'm sure the kappas
would be happy to have you.
All right,
Mr. Cooper!
We have seven parties
this upcoming fortnight.
You are to get laid
no matter what.
I don't wanna hear
that she was crying
or that she was sad
or that she was asleep.
- Do you understand me?
- Aye aye, captain.
Operation fortnight commence.
Mr. Cooper,
consider an offering.
You've done it.
How you doing?
I'm doing fine.
You look like a cat.
Jungle kitty cat.
Do me, fucking jungle cat.
Meow.
I'm not ordained, though.
Oh my gosh,
Mr. Nick!
What?
- Oh my god!
- Ahh!
Ahh!
Get me some bangers!
Boom and boom and boom.
- How are ya, Billy?
- Good.
It's good to see you.
I have been thinking about you
- ever since you left, man.
- Oh, stop it.
This is who I've been
talking about!
Oh, stop it.
Stop it.
Oh, man.
- Hey listen, Nick.
- Yeah.
Do me a favor. Um, can
you fetch me a cocktail?
Anything, anything
they got over there.
- Yeah.
- Whatever they got.
How's the kid doing?
- Nick?
- Yeah.
Oh my god.
The best.
- Yeah.
- Every day, every day.
- Every day.
- That's because of you.
- No, it's us.
- No, it's you.
- What're you guys talking about?
- There he is.
There he is.
Here's to the new Nick.
- To the new Nick.
- Hey, to the transformation!
Okay!
Adam, hello.
- Billy, how's it going?
- Mr. president.
You don't have a jacket
or anything more formal?
- Hey, Nick.
- Hey Adam, Mr. president.
How're you doing, Nick?
Good to see you.
This is Mr. Nick.
- My dad.
- I'm the dad.
Nice to meet you, I'm Adam.
- Augustus.
- Augustus.
- You having a good time?
- What a pleasure.
I'm having a lovely time.
It's really fun to be back here.
I'm not sure if you can tell,
Adam, but Mr. Nick here
- is an alum.
- An alum?
- Well, yes.
- He's being humble.
Was kind of...
Kind of kicked out in '89.
You're not fucking talking about
the Halloween of '89!?
- Well, I didn't want to say it!
- That was you!
I told you about that year.
Do you remember when I was
fucking telling you about that?
Tell that story.
You gotta tell the story.
It's no big deal. The school,
I think, overreacted
just a little bit. Um, we had
some pledges and, uh, you know,
we hollowed out some pumpkins.
- It was Halloween!
- Come on, what'd you do?
We put 'em on their heads.
You know, we carved some
faces into the pumpkins.
The only problem was that,
you know, some of the
kids lost some eyes.
One of the kids was missing one
when he went into the thing, so.
You enhanced all four
of his other senses,
- by yourself!
- Exactly.
Thank you very much
for saying that.
We can't even hold kids under
water for like two minutes.
I am like fully erect right now.
Yes!
Listen.
I, um,
- noticed here, a table.
- For an alum.
- Yeah.
Whoa!
Mr. Nick wants to play some
pong, ladies and gentleman!
I... I don't want to,
you know, screw up
- somebody else's game.
- No, no, no.
Here we go...
Come on, come on, come on.
And bangers!
Now, it's time
to see if your bodies
are up to the ZB standard.
- Let's go robot pussies!
- Let's go robots!
Pussy!
If you gain weight, you're out.
What is pain?
If you get acne, you're out.
And if you
don't survive tonight,
you'll never be in.
I feel no pain, sir!
I am Phidelt's reckoning!
- Look at this robot.
- Good job, team! Good job!
- Good job!
- Yes, sir!
As you'll kindly note,
in this short film,
no men appear.
You're to sit on a roll,
and in 20 minutes,
we're gonna judge
which roll is the wettest.
Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink!
Drink!
Drink! Drink!
Open up wide.
Here comes the airplane,
here comes the airplane!
Onward!
Yes!
Phidelt!
So I don't think I've asked you yet.
Where do you summer?
The Hamptons.
Yeah, but which one?
I dabble.
Oh token,
Hampton bay is having a sale.
You should get on that.
Hey Nick, take a
break, get some air.
I want to tell you
what a good job you've been doing.
Splendid.
I'm pleasantly surprised,
and I don't say that.
I mean, when I met your father,
the Cooper of Cooper tires...
I'm glad you're
one of the good ones,
a pureblood.
And, uh,
there's a lot of eyes on you,
so don't fuck this up.
That's all.
So what're you guys
talking about?
Auggie fucked a pregnant woman.
- Again?
- Yeah.
The best part
about pregnant chicks:
They can't get pregnant.
Hey Auggie, you still have
that lactation fetish?
Yeah.
- Yes!
- Yeah!
- It feels good.
- Yeah.
- Does that feel good?
- Yeah.
- Feels so fucking good.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I gotta go.
- What? Nick.
What?
I want you to show me
that thing you can do.
I'm tired, baby.
Come on.
I want you to make me come.
What's in it for me, huh?
I'll tell you what our little
whore Rosanna has been up to.
What's Rosanna been up to?
Lots of bad things.
Tell me.
I will.
But you first.
- Really, what's Rosanna...
- No, no, shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.
- Tonight is the night.
- Fuck yeah, it's the night.
- Are you ready?
- I'm fucking ready.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
This...
We're done with this.
We're done with that!
Ah! Beer for you, my friend.
Come here and give me that shit.
My broski.
- Ugh! Dude. -That was
fucking nuts last night.
That was incredible.
You were incredible.
- Cheers to you.
- Cheers to you, Mr. Hawkins.
To Mr. Cooper!
Boys, freshmen first orgy.
Time-honored
Phidelt tradition.
That's right. Hey, not
my first orgy though.
No, but it's your first
with a pregnant chick.
Let's hope.
I was on my yacht once and this
pregnant chick went into labor.
Ooh, still gets me hard
thinking about it.
I can top that.
So one time,
I was having an orgy
on a private jet,
- with my dad.
- Mr. Nick.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Shush up.
We're here on official business.
We see what you all are doing,
and we like what we see.
Winners get to choose
the room that they want,
way over the underclassmen.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Don't thank him.
- Boys, let's go.
- Hell, yeah.
- Not you.
All right, line up, boners.
Let's go.
Ariel, what is the location
of the famous phi delta chapter
that threw
the Nazi-Negroes party?
New York?
Wrong!
Token,
what is best flavor of Gatorade
scientifically proven
to cure hangovers?
- Lemon-lime?
- Blue!
JT, what scent of
Cologne am I wearing?
Is it Davidoff cool water
or axe instinct?
- Cool water. -It's
fucking Dior Fahrenheit
you olfactory retard!
What's the best TV show
of all time?
Um, "gossip girl."
"Entourage"!
What is the best band
of all time?
- Coldplay!
- Mumford and sons!
What is the best adjective of
all time, ching Chang Chong?
Rovingry.
What?
Rovingry.
What are you saying?
- I think it's lovingly.
- Wrong!
It's "epic"!
As in you epically don't
know how to talk right.
What is the best movie
of all time?
"Eyes wide shut," sir.
"Boondock saints," trebeck.
Fuck!
"There was a fire fight!"
Nick, I swear to god,
if you miss this question,
I'm gonna buy you a little puppy
and make sure you two form
an inseparable bond.
And then I'm gonna murder him,
right in front of your face!
What is the name
of the Phidelt alum
who invented the flesh light?
Mmm.
Shit. It's on the
tip of my tongue.
- Uh, uh, uh.
- Uh! Uh! Uh!
Uh uh duh!
Duh duh.
- Anthony, Anthony something.
- Anthony!
It's a softball Nick.
It's a softball!
Seriously?
Seriously?!
You fucks!
Did nobody read fucking
page one of the handbook?
All of these answers and more
are in the fucking handbook,
Nick!
Because they are integral
to being the kind of man
that a Phidelt needs to be!
Seriously?
Why the fuck are you
smirking at me, Billy?
I will rip your lips off
and I will staple them
right to the pledge banner!
You guys think being a Phidelt's
all about having fun.
Look at me.
I'm Rockefeller.
I have a fucking
sacagawea coin tie clip.
Fuck Greenwich and fuck you!
All of you idiots
think this is fun and games?
You think it's all snorting
coke and banging hussies?
It's about smarts!
Oh, my god, you are so dumb.
I bet you got held back
in kindergarten,
'cause you couldn't
bounce a ball!
You think you belong
in the Phidelts?
What's that smell?
Do I smell ozone burning?
Oh, I guess you must be
trying to think,
you fucking small ears,
inbred fuck!
If I were an asshole,
I'd lock every single one
of you in the basement
and have you beaten with
an oar every 15 minutes
until you were in shape!
But JT down there
is hooking up with
Stephanie's little tonight,
and I'm not a cock block,
because I read rule 246
in the handbook
and I know how to be a man!
Ben, I cannot fucking
do this anymore,
I'm going to burst
a blood vessel in my eye,
and I'm gonna fucking go blind.
I got it, Prez, you did good.
"Gentilemen."
There will be an exam
at 5:00 A.M.
If you score under 89 percent...
98 percent...
You're done.
Will this be graded on a curve?
No, it won't be graded
on a curve.
It'll be graded on a slant.
Try some scope, Nick.
'Cause you're breath
smells like dicks!
Never have I ever,
tried to suck
my own fucking dick.
- Come on, dude. -Everyone's
tried at least once.
- Gotta try it once.
- All right, all right.
Never have I ever,
fucked a girl over 200 pounds.
Oh, what about two 100-pound
girls, at the same time?
Nah, nah, bro, that doesn't count.
That doesn't count.
Hey, don't stop on
account of me.
You wouldn't happen to be
talking about how the mugs
aren't frosted, would you?
'Cause, Chad, I'm pretty sure
somebody told you
to throw the mugs
in the freezer.
All right, why don't you
step up your game?
- Get a little self-respect.
- Self-respect!
Anyway, unpleasantries aside,
tonight is a very
important event, the hunt.
I "rove" me a scavenger
hunt, so exciting!
Hey, hey. This isn't like
those pansy-ass scavenger hunts
you used to do over
at greylock, okay?
Where you'd make snow angels,
roll around in the grass,
find a Twix bar
and think about shoving it
up your own ass.
Nah.
This is the real deal.
This is more like putting
a Twix bar in a twat.
There are 12 tasks tonight
and each one becomes more
difficult than the last.
The final task,
that's what really separates
the geeds from the Greeks.
The truffle butter.
Oh, a little tartufo Nero.
Well, you know what
that means, gentlemen.
We must protect this house!
To the moon!
All right, boys, task six.
One of us has to go
down on a black sister.
- Yes!
- I can do this.
Chong, what the fuck
is your plan?
- Because this is important.
- Okay, I go to door,
- yeah. -I tell her my
name Ryan gosling...
- Oh, that's good.
- And I eat her pussy.
Okay, go do it.
I'm gonna fuck your hand!
Give me a leaf!
Give me a leaf!
- Go, go!
- Just do it.
Hey, Courtney.
It's Nick.
Hey.
Ugh! Uh.
Oh.
Hey.
Can you like open your legs
just like a little bit
or something?
What're you doing?
I'm on a mission.
I'm gonna fuck you in the ass.
- Oh, god.
- What?
You've never done this
before, have you?
There's a first time
for everything.
Hold on.
Oh, my...
Wanna join us?
I'm good.
Ugh.
This is a mission, isn't it?
If you don't complete,
you don't get in, pwief.
And I believe you just
broke into my room
and stuck your dick in me,
which is kind of grounds
for getting expelled,
don't you think?
- Courtney...
You're a nasty whore.
Hmm, I know.
Fuck me or get expelled.
Your choice.
Welcome back.
Something wrong, Cooper?
Yeah, Cooper, you're
looking a little pale.
You don't look too well.
You look peaked.
Is everything all right?
What's, what's going on?
Holy shit.
You failed the hunt.
You didn't do the last
task of the hunt, did you?
I did it.
God damn it, Cooper!
You better not lie to me, Nick!
- I did it.
- You're a liar.
You're lying
because you're a liar.
How many times did I tell you
how important this was?
- A lot.
- A lot?
Please, for the love of all
that is good and holy,
- give me a ballpark, token.
- A thousand. A thousand.
A thousand times, Cooper!
This matters,
doesn't this matter to you?
Don't you... aren't you
taking this seriously?
You were supposed to be
the chosen one!
I was ready to be your brother.
I would've flown with you, Nick,
like a bald eagle
on the wings of a dream,
land on a rainbow
and slide down the side
till we found the pot of gold.
I would've traveled back
in time with you, Cooper,
dressed you like a redskin
and put a buckle hat on
and sat down next to you
at the first Thanksgiving feast!
I can't believe you.
You suck balls.
And I wanna hear you say it.
Say it!
I suck balls.
Say it again.
I suck balls.
No, you don't.
You suck big salty balls.
- Say it.
- I suck big salty balls.
Say it to me
while I'm over here.
I suck big salty balls.
Say it like you mean it!
I suck big salty balls!
Yeah you do, and you like it,
'cause you're weird.
You know what?
You're a failure,
and sometimes
when people are failures,
it can be really help
for them to just accept it,
and admit it
to themselves and to the
people around them.
That's biblical.
So why don't you tell me
that you're a failure, Nick.
Just tell me.
Just right here, you and me.
Just look in my eyes
and tell me
that you're a failure.
- I'm a failure.
- A what?
What, what was that?
Just a little bit louder.
I'm a failure.
- Louder!
- I'm a failure!
- Say it again!
- I'm a failure!
I'm just kidding dude,
I'm just kidding, bro.
No, this is a joke.
His face!
No, because you, you
couldn't see your face.
That was a good face.
- Dude.
- Oh, relax, Cooper.
- It couldn't have been that bad.
- Yeah, man.
The crinkled star's ruined many
a better dude than you, douche.
Yeah, I mean, it's hard to
get into the brown star.
- I understand.
- But do you though?
'Cause he's not yelling at you
like he's yelling at me.
Yeah, but they do it
just to get in your head, man,
- that's what it's about.
- No, it's some kind of game.
It's something that I'm
just not getting, you know.
Like...
You know what I think.
I think what it is it's
him giving me more shit,
'cause I'm number one pledge.
And I think
I gotta take the shit
that everybody else
is fucking...
Yeah, no, I don't
think that's true.
I think you're overreacting.
I think we just all need
to just calm down.
I think he's giving
everyone shit
and you're taking it all on yourself
and you just need to relax.
- Everything's gonna be fine, Nick.
- I'm not overreacting.
There's no time to be chill
and "everything's
gonna be fine."
We gotta move quick,
they're making decisions.
We're running out of time.
Who's making decisions
about anything, man?
Look at Rockefeller.
All he does
is sit on those steps
and he puts his hair there
and he goes like this,
and he's gonna
get in no problem.
Yeah, because it's Rockefeller.
He doesn't have to try.
No, I'm talking about the guys
who do have to try,
like Chong, and JT,
- and Jake, and you.
- You think I try?
Let me give you some advice,
all right?
Nobody wants to hang out
with the desperate guy.
- I'm the desperate guy?
- I'm not calling you anything.
I'm simply acknowledging
what I'm seeing
and asking you just to relax.
You know what I think?
I think you need to
step it up to my level.
What?
I'm going out.
Okay.
Well, you text me
if you need anything.
Jesus Christ.
- I'm so fucking tired.
- Oh, is that shit pure?
I'm not snorting any more
of your Adderall.
Yeah, I got it from my fucking driver.
He's Dominican.
- Can you lay off, okay?
- I want that.
What's the difference
between a man's man
and a ladies' man?
A man's man trumps ladies' man.
All right,
well, if you're wrong.
Rockefeller,
why're you even studying?
You could kill someone here,
they'd let you in.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- You know exactly what it means.
If it were Chong's family,
it'd be fucking nepotism.
Oh, shut up!
You're guaranteed a spot,
you fucking porch monkey.
Read between the lines, ass.
- Guys.
- What up, baby?
If one of us fails,
should we all drop it together?
Shut the fuck up, Chad.
Go dream of dudes, fag.
Amanda's fat.
Um, yeah.
She's out.
What did she think she was doing
bingeing like a kappa?
I know, right?
Thank god we don't have to
be seen with her anymore.
Ah, Melissa, Rosie,
what's good, ladies?
- Hey.
- Hi, Rosanna.
Nick says hi.
We were talking about you.
Totally wish
you'd stayed and joined.
Have you finally gotten the full
Nick Cooper experience?
- Oh, yeah.
- That's my girl.
What're you trying to do?
I'm trying to teach you
a lesson, girl.
Nick Cooper
isn't who you think he is.
- I'm saving you.
- Court's right, Rosie.
We're just trying to
help you find yourself.
We all really want you
to be one of us.
We want you to be a ZB.
You know who I think is mad hot
and would be all about
treating you like a Princess?
Who?
Billy.
He's a total prince charming,
and I've heard
he's got a great cock.
Nick's roommate, Billy?
If you really want Nick,
Billy's the way to go.
You get naked in his room,
because you're slaying
his roommate.
It'll drive him crazy,
"Jessie's girl" -style.
Is Nick really that good?
Yes! Nick Cooper's
got skills for days.
Now let's come up with a plan
to get you in that room.
All right.
Check this out.
- Yo, Chad. Catch.
You're scared?
Didn't want to catch it?
No. I'm just,
I'm just wasted.
I really respect you.
- Whoa.
Whoa. Anybody
fucked her yet?
I hope not. Apparently she
doesn't shave down there.
Ugh! Disgusting.
That is punishable by death.
That shit was hot in the '90s.
I'm sure you wouldn't have
had a problem with that
- three months ago.
- What?
I'm just saying, you've come
a long way remarkably fast.
- Whatever, dude.
- What's up, guys?
- What's up?
- Hey Billy, do a line.
No, no, I'm good.
You okay, man?
You went and calmed down
a little bit, huh?
- I didn't ask you, faggot.
- Whoa, fag...
I don't that's quite
the right terminology, is it?
Megan, right?
Nice to meet you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
She's mine, bro, okay?
- I'm just playing, man.
- I found her first.
You gotta go find your own.
You know what you should do?
Your family is in the slave
business, right? Down south?
Why don't you go back
to that, be the slave,
- and fetch me a Whisky.
- I'll fetch you a drink, okay?
I just want you to calm down
and try to remember
where you came from,
- all right?
- No, I know.
I know where I came from.
Do you know where you came from?
- Billy.
- It's okay.
Billy, fucking roommate,
this is a nice cardigan.
You always dress so nice, Billy.
We're roommates,
and we made a good team, Billy.
Really good team, Roomie.
You know what, uh,
you should do?
You should go help your
family make some money
for the first time in
maybe 100 years.
Maybe you'll have enough
money to buy more cardigans
and keep up this nice trim look
you got going on,
'cause you rock it.
You really, you really do.
It... it looks good.
You do it so well.
You do.
Now.
Wow.
You're a douche.
You're a douche.
You're a douche.
Billy, Billy. Wait.
What was that?
That, my dear,
might have been the end
of a beautiful,
beautiful friendship,
but...
It was the beginning
of a pretty fantastic evening.
Now let's get the fuck
out of here!
- Ah!
- Come on! Come on!
Nick.
I am impressed.
Anyway, people,
there's still a party happening.
- Megan!
- -Yeah.
I fucking love that name.
- You say your name.
- Megan.
- Megan.
- It's Megan.
- Megan.
- Somebody's here!
- What?
- Someone's at the door.
- Oh, go away!
I'm getting to know Megan!
- Ugh!
- Ugh!
- Oh!
- Yeah!
- Oh, Billy.
Hi. What're you doing here?
Megan, I'm gonna
need you to leave.
- No, no, no, no, Megan.
- Goodbye, Billy.
No, no, Megan. Megan,
don't, don't leave, Megan.
- Darling.
- No. Why is she going?
Where is she going?
Billy.
I think you're gonna want to
listen to what I have to say.
Is this what I think it is?
Chad, you've been pretty quiet.
Which of these ladies
have you had your eye on?
Fucking all of them.
Gigi, right? Why don't
you do a little dance
for, uh, Chad,
who's apparently
had his eye on you.
- All right.
- Uh oh.
Oh, oh, shit.
Mr. palm beach.
Relax.
Can I help you?
I was just leaving.
What the hell you doing here?
I was with Billy.
What the fuck
you doing with Billy?
I don't need
to explain myself to you.
You're a fucking slut.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, that's what you are.
I'm just calling it
like I see it.
I'm sorry, Nick,
have you looked in
- the mirror recently?
- What does that mean?
God, I'm actually embarrassed
- I ever liked you.
- You didn't fucking like me.
You didn't give me time of day.
Oh, I'm sorry, Nick,
that I didn't give you
what you wanted
when you wanted it,
but by the time I turned around
I didn't even
recognize you anymore.
You're disgusting.
Fuck you.
Welcome to hell week,
spermchuggers.
Happy Chinese new year, Chong.
Goddamn, would you eat a horse?
You look like a fucking
Asian Ally Mcbeal.
Now, the first rule of hell week
is no pledges
are allowed to leave the house
unless you're fucking a chick.
The only way you get back in
is if your fingers smell
like a stench trench.
Our first event
is pledge Olympics.
We got a couple circles
of hell for you.
Yeah?
You excited?
The first circle
is mystery shots.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Take that shot.
Oh, oh!
Nick, go again!
Go again!
And if you fail to reach
the final circle,
I'm gonna make sure
that you toss Benjamin's salad.
- Go! Go! Go, bitches
- drink that bitches!
And the guy hasn't
changed his underwear
or showered in three weeks.
He's training
for a fucking marathon!
And I will
personally hold your nose
right to his gooch.
- You're not a freak!
Keep in mind, after hell week,
we're only a couple of
days away from initiation.
The end is in sight.
Give him more.
Let's go, Cooper.
Come on.
Let's hear you bawk
like a chicken.
And you're that much closer
to joining us in brotherhood.
So let's make this count.
Some more fun for you.
Give it to him.
Ugh! Ugh!
Ugh!
What the fuck is that?
Let me squeeze a little more.
Ugh!
Fuck you doing, man!
Be careful
who you fuck with, plebe.
Benjamin.
Bow to the elders!
Welcome my children.
I am St. Peter.
Standing at the gates
of paradise,
here to tell you whether or not
your name is written
in the book of life.
Today you will discover
if your lives forever
will be linked to the
Phidelt brotherhood.
Today, you will discover
if you are one of us.
Billy Hawkins, arise.
The great-great-great-grandson
of Jefferson Davis.
Pureblood.
Your name is written
in the book of life.
Light your candle.
Zachary Rockefeller, arise.
Your name has always been
written in the book of life.
Light your candle.
Jake Roudabega, arise.
It must be assuring to you
to know your name is written
in the book of life.
Jamarcus Desean Johnson,
the name "token"
is written in the book of life,
and may we ride your
swift legs to victory.
Chad, arise.
How do you not know you are gay?
Everyone here can tell.
Like, everybody.
Did you not think
we would notice?
- What?
- And that's okay,
but know thyself, Chad.
Know thyself.
Until you know yourself,
you cannot be a Phidelt.
I can't tell
if you're joking or not.
- Exit!
- Mr. president, please.
- You are dismissed.
- I...
Ching Chang Chong, arise.
Your name is written
in the book of life,
in over 20 languages.
JT Hartung, arise.
Your name is written
in the book of life.
And lastly,
Nicholas Cooper, arise.
Nick.
I like you.
I've always liked you.
You try hard.
Try to impress.
You're a monster, Nick.
In fact, I don't even recognize
the thing that stands before me.
Cruel.
Heartless.
I like it.
The problem is
we don't try hard.
We don't try to impress.
And we don't
lie about who we are.
Mr. Cooper.
I believe Billy
is the one that vouched for you.
Billy Hawkins,
step forward
and defend yourself.
Why did you lie
on behalf of Mr. Cooper?
- I felt sorry for him.
Billy lied once or twice,
but you, Nick,
you really fooled us.
Luckily, Benjamin
misses nothing.
And why would we need you,
you poor piece of shit?
Billy was wrong.
He made a fool of himself.
He tried to make a
fool out of us.
Now tell your roommate
that he won't be your brother.
Sorry, Nick.
You're not gonna be a Phidelt.
And why won't he be a Phidelt?
Because you're not one of us.
You're not one of us.
And you are dismissed.
Billy.
Hey, honey.
Phidelt rejected me, mom.
Dad's gonna be so disappointed.
It's not the end of the world.
I think you're gonna need to come
home and tell your father...
In person.
We love you.
Bye.
I gotta tell you, kid,
I am so proud of you.
You did it!
You joined!
- Thanks, dad.
- You know.
When I met that Billy
guy, I thought,
"that's who I want
for a son."
And you are
even better than Billy.
That means a lot.
Really.
Cheers.
I wish I had a PJ cocktail
- to cheers you with.
- Hey, hey.
Maybe we can get five.
You know, a PJ cocktail...
You can have one
or two or three...
What'd you think
was gonna happen?
I'd let you tell him
you didn't get in?
It'd fucking kill him.
Go away.
I've got work to do, Nicholas.