[Say Hi's Shake
Her Shoulders" plays]
# My love
# The whole world's gonna end
# But when you shake your
shoulders and squint your eyes #
# The band plays on in
spite of everything #
Can't put two
letters in one box.
I think you can do that,
if it fits if you can
get them all in.
Yeah.
Man I hate this song.
I hated the last 7 songs.
Yes, but did you
hear what I said?
Jillian, can I have some money
for the jukebox?
Play something good Wally!
What's that song that
goesit's starts out.
Uh, I don't know.
I'll find it.
Yes, you do that.
Okay, what's this one?
Oh, hey, uh, okay okay.
Watch it, watch it.
Let's sit back down.
Are you drunk?
A woman just left the bar that I
used to go to law school with.
Are you a Lawyer?
She dropped out, but um
are you a painter this week?
No, I'm not a painter
this week.
That's good then.
It's Paula, her name is Paula.
C'mon there's gotta.
You know, I don't think that
I've seen Paula
in like a, uh, 6 months.
Oh, Jesus, what day is today?
The 19th.
You, remind me to call
Danny tomorrow.
And he doesn't want me to
make a big deal about it,
but you know, he's going to get
all pissy if I forget.
Who's that, who's Danny?
Someone.
Danny.
Do you know
what's really fucked up?
What?
What, what?
Wait what's really fucked up?
Oh I wish somebody would
ask me that.
I have a word or two
to say about that.
Okay, uh, Jillian, what is,
what's really fucked up
in a word or two?
Everything.
I'm not a complete flake,
you know.
If I said I'd be there, then
that's what I'm going to do.
Jilly, hunny,
I need you to wake up.
Nancy.
Who let you in?
What?
I live here.
You're at my place.
What time is it?
It's early, I'm sorry.
What- That's the hat
that Tex was wearing
when we met him last night.
Tex as in Texas?
Is he here right now?
Look, I need to ask
you a huge favor.
You wouldn't wear
any of my pajamas.
Are those gophers?
No they're
little bunny rabbits.
Nice, do you have
any pajamas for grown-ups?
That was funny last night
and it's still
funny this morning. But,
I really do need your help.
You'll be my hero.
No, okay, no, no, no.
No, Jillian. Jillian, we have
to leave right now.
Great!
I cannot wear
this shirt all day.
Look, I know, but you have to.
I don't understand how you
fit your breasts into this.
I don't know.
I like my clothes tight.
It's like wearing a corset.
Here.
No. No way.
I don't have the sort
of head made for a visor.
Please. This is a deal breaker.
Just drop it.
Okay, fine.
But, we have
to leave right now.
Oh, it's probably from Wally.
I made him sleep on the couch.
"Hey Nancy. I'm sorry but
I peed on your couch.
I'm leaving you
twenty dollars. Wally."
Ugh, We have to go.
[ beeping ]
You know, I don't understand
why he left you $20.
I don't know Is that for
you to get a new couch
or get the cushions cleaned?
Is that he didn't even
attempt to clean it up,
I mean, spray something on it
or at least try to mop it
up a little bit.
I would be mortified,
I don't think I'd ever
be able to look you
in the face again.
He's probably trying to
remember where his $20 went.
If I peed on your couch,
I would pay someone to come in
a steal all your furniture.
I'd rather burn down your
whole apartment building,
than tell you.
Hey Nancy, I peed on
your couch last night.
Get inside the truck!
Just kidding.
It's so fun. You're gonna
have a great time.
Yay! So fun!
Ok, anyone who wants
a sample can have one
but they can't have two.
Even if they offer
to pay for it.
I know. They're
testing this product.
Okay, try and get people
to fill out these survey cards
but don't be
obnoxious about it...
Okay, um, this one is vanilla,
this is chocolate.
They either get one
or the other. That's it.
Where are the cups. Oh.
Okay, 12345.
That's all they get.
Okay, now I've gotta go.
Okay, stay here
one second. I'm gonna run.
I'm gonna get coffee.
Be right back.
No, no, no, no, no!
You can't!
I'm already late.
Nancy, I've never
hated anyone more
than I hate you right now.
What? Oh gosh. If you leave
here, you're going to find
my dead body hanging
from a rope.
Ok. The intervention was
supposed to be next week
but my grandfather is
having a bypass on Tuesday.
Does your grandfather
really need to be there?
Well yeah. He's the only
person in my family
I don't think your
brother drinks that much.
That's because you're a
borderline alchy yourself.
Now I've really gotta go.
I love you for this.
Ok, I should be back
no later than noon.
Maybe one?
Really try for noon.
Ok, be nice to the people.
They mean you no harm.
And step outside
if you need to smoke.
Oh and go to the front there's a
little switch that plays music.
Try and play it once an hour.
Oh, um, thank you sweetie.
I owe you a big one
and don't forget to call Danny.
Ok, I love you. Bye!
Damnit.
Great.
Hi.
Hello.
You're giving out
free samples today only?
Yes.
A cup of either ice cream
or an ice cream like substance
in either chocolate or vanilla.
Who's Mike?
I don't know.
But I suspect he dreams
of ice cream
or ice cream like substance.
How do you not know who
you're working for?
This just happens
to be my first
and my last day working here.
Oh, what happened?
Big drama?
Does this look like an
information booth?
No. How lonely are you that you
have to wander the streets
on a Thursday morning asking a
bunch of senseless questions
to the first person you meet
who's trapped in a truck.
Look, I'm just curious.
Chocolate or vanilla?
Which one do you like?
How do you work here and
not try both your flavors?
You're doing it again.
What do people usually get?
Strawberry.
That wasn't even an option.
Your two flavors are only
chocolate or vanilla.
Oh, that's a joke.
Ok, I think I'll take
the choc-str-ch-chocolate.
Did it take a long time
to learn ow-
Oh, thank you.
Hey.
Uh, Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate.
You know, you're like
the first person around here
who hasn't remarked on us
being identical twins.
Well, I was going to but to be
honest,
I'm hung-over and
I just wasn't entirely sure
if I was seeing
two people or not.
You're twins.
Thanks for the ice cream.
# 'Cause I'm broke,
and that aint no joke. #
# A quarter's what I need
but I'll take a dime. #
# Excuse me people!
No!
Yes!
No! Yeahyeah.
I'm talking to you.
Me?
What? Uh, you and that bongo
have got to go.
My head cannot take it.
$5 I will give this to you
if you go away. Where?
You don't have to leave
the state or anything.
Just go somewhere I can't
hear you, ok? Okay.
Cool.
Um, hey, hey!
Uh, wait a minute.
I'm not giving back this money.
Oh no, I don't want
the money back.
Do you want to make another $5?
What do I have to do?
I want you to go and
buy me the largest
cup of coffee that they have
in Southern California.
Ok?
Ok. Great!
And, uh, I need one
real sugar. Say it.
Real sugar.
Yes, and just a drop of milk.
You know what, no milk.
Just take the cup
and say "Moo" over top of it.
Ok. That's very good but
save it for when it counts.
How am I supposed to
buy you the coffee?
Crazy, I don't know
if you noticed
but I just gave you $5.
But you didn't give me money
for the actual coffee.
I don't know you well enough
to go and buy you a coffee.
We're not friends like that.
You know what,
I have one friend.
That's how I got trapped
in that stupid truck.
So look, I'm certainly not
looking for another.
Let's review. I gave you
$5 to go away.
Now that $5 is yours to
keep no matter what.
You put that
straight into your IRA.
This new $5that
is to go buy my coffee.
When you return,
with the coffee,
I'm going to give you your $5.
Do I get to keep the change?
No.
Yeah. Why not?
Because I said so
and I'm too mean to ever
change my mind.
What are you,
trying to seduce-
I don't understand.
Just go and get coffee!
You're a believer aren't you?
You believe? Oh God.
You know what? No.
I think I can honestly
say I'm just not a believer...
Oh God. I can't believe
I got you to go away.
Then I actually
asked you to come back.
Okok. Heyhey!
You can do it!
One coffee!
One real sugar.
Only you can save my life.
Go.
# Coffeecoffeecoffee
coffee coffee #
Real sugar!
Coffee!
Hi.
Hi. Chocolate or vanilla?
Vanilla, please.
Aren't you hot in there?
Nope.
They say people are
descendants from apes
but I think my family is
descended from reptiles.
They're all
cold-blooded lawyers.
Oh, well I uh-
What?
I don't- My family doesn't
believe in evolution.
Darwin and all that.
Ok.
Next.
Hi.
Hi Chocolate or vanilla?
Um, I want both.
You can't have both.
You have to pick one.
You can give me both
if you wanted to.
Yeah, but we live in
a polite society.
There are rules. There are lots
of things I'd like to do
that I'm not allowed.
Like what?
I don't know- I'd like to walk
around naked for an entire year.
I'd like to sleep in a tent
on a beach in Malibu.
Kill a few people.
Quite a few, actually.
I'll have two cups
of the chocolate.
Well, you can have
chocolate. Just one cup.
But the other girl
always gives me two cups!
She's not here.
Well, the other girl's a lot
prettier than you are.
Alright!
First of all,
you're seeing me with
a hangover- no make-up!
Secondly- I'm also a
great deal more flexible
than the girl
who's usually here.
So what?
Well, you'll find out
why it's important
and people pee on that girls couch.
Joel!
What? I thought I told you
to wait for me by the car.
Why are you eating this junk?
I just had one bite.
Shouldn't you check
with the mother
before you give
ice cream to a child?
I usually do.
But- Joel said that you were
dying in a hospital.
He was so sad.
I couldn't resist.
Joel! I didn't say that!
She said she wanted
to kill people!
No! We were discussing
civil liberties!
He's clearly taking
that statement
totally out of context.
Come with me, right now.
Uh, Peter.
Uh, where's my sister?
Um, I'm filling in today.
As I can see.
Where's my sister.
She had something
she had to do.
The same question before
we arrive at an answer?
You know what?
I feel like you look.
Unless you want to deal
with a bunch of angry bees.
Had one too many last night?
Yeah. Then three more
just to make sure.
Um, I don't know
what she had to do,
but she said she was going to
maybe stop by your apartment.
My apartment? Why?
Uh, she didn't say.
She was going to cash
this check for me.
Maybe you could-
No.
Okay, well, tell her I'll come
by her place later then.
You know- hey- if she
told you she'd do it,
she told me she was going
to go to your apartment,
you should maybe
just go there. Wait.
Cigarette?
So tell me councilor-
Oh no- I'm not- I dropped
out of law school.
I thought you were taking
the semester off,
slumming it with some
weirdoes in LA.
Well, you're certainly
not going to stay here
and live "Mike's Dream"
are you?
I don't know.
We'll see.
Anyway, I'm wondering why you
want me to go back
to my apartment?
I don't.
Then I won't.
Peter, why would I care?
Thanks for the smoke.
Uh-Uh- Stop it.
Hey, um, gee, you're right.
Fine, you're right.
Let's hear it.
And your grandfather are
all waiting at your house
to give you a substance
abuse intervention.
Isn't that sweet.
Yeah, it is actually.
It shows they care.
You're not there.
I guess you don't care.
You're my friends'
brother Peter.
I mean- I barely know you.
The few times we've talked,
you've been so drunk
I could barely understand you
or else you were mysteriously
snide and hostile.
So you don't care
if I go home or not.
Nancy's my friend.
It would make her very happy
if you checked into
a rehab facility.
And, I'm trapped in this stupid
truck until she gets back.
So, I want you to speed home
and do whatever it is that's
good for you.
Thanks again for the cigarette.
Crap.
Sorry Nancy.
Yes. Hello?
Hey.
Oh, watch out for that.
Sorry- I got it.
Hi.
Do you have any stamps?
No.
Are you sure?
Am I sure?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, what kind
of question is that? What?
You obviously think I work in
some kind of postal truck.
Do you think that I would
work in a postal truck
and not realize
that I sold stamps.
Sometimes a deli
will sell stamps.
Do you want mustard with
your ham sandwich?
What's wrong with you?
I got kidnapped this morning
and I'm being forced
to wear a t-shirt that
makes it pretty obvious
that I need to get
fake breasts,
before people start
calling me sir,
and I haven't had any coffee.
I think your shirt looks nice.
Paula? Paula?
No, I know that your name
is not Paula,
you can keep on walking.
Ugh!
# Well you got the brains
and I got the shakey shakey #
# You got the curves
but I've got the pow #
# And how's about we get
a little closer now #
# How's about we get
a little closer now #
# whoa, whoa
[ vocalizing ]
Hey!
Are you housetrained yet?
[Sigh]
I know, that was pretty bad.
Is Nancy mad?
You urinated on her couch.
I know!
She's not pleased.
I know what I did!
So, how's it going so far?
Well, I gave a Homeless woman
money to go get me coffee
and she never came back.
A little kid gave
me the finger.
And I had to make
a phone call today
and my cell phone is dead.
Do you have your
cell phone with you?
No, no. That got
cut off two months ago.
It was either a new amp
or the phone bill.
Why, who do you need to call?
This guy Danny who I used
to go to law school with.
He's kind of my boyfriend.
Kind of my fianc.
Does he know that
you're having sex
with a bunch
of different dudes?
It's not a bunch!
And, we're taking
a small break.
How did you know I was here?
Uh, last night Nancy told
me that she had
to go to some intervention
for her grandfather.
So- gonna ask you to-
Well the intervention
is for her brother.
Oh, yeah. Well,
that's good then
because Peter's
a mean little drunk. Dick.
Oh, by the way,
my band's playing tonight
you should totally come.
Oh, you know.
I don't really like your band.
Really?
Well you're not
very good, are you?
All bands suck at the beginning
and then you're great like
you're a tight band
with like thirty songs
and a dynamic live sound.
I mean- you have a ten-minute
song about sitting on the couch
and eating Cheetos.
That's a good song.
No it's a horrible song
they hate you and your band
for the rest of their lives.
You are starting
to hurt my feelings
so I'm going to go.
No. Come on!
I think it's great that
you have these guys
you can hang out with
and get drunk with.
And, you probably
get laid a lot. Yeah?
See who cares
if you're not very good.
I do, Jillian!
You know what? You seem
like you're a cool person
but then when someone
starts talking to you
you turn out to be a
complete pain in the ass.
That's certainly true.
And then you do that.
When I'm trying to argue with
you, you agree with me.
What am I supposed to do?
But I don't wanna
I hate that. I don't
want to argue with you.
But what if I want to
argue with you?
Wally look, I'm going
to make it up to you.
Give you a free sample.
Ooh, you know what?
I'm going to mix
the chocolate and the vanilla.
No, no. Jillian. I'm willing
to chance it for you.
No, no. No, I don't want
any of that stuff.
Jillian, it gives me the shits.
It gave me the shits one time.
But you could help me
realize a life long dream.
What's this scar from?
My brother shot me in the ass.
That had to hurt.
It's not that bad actually.
You definitely want
to get shot there
if you get shot somewhere.
I'll remember that.
I am going to wait on a
customer with no pants on.
Tell me that's not
the coolest thing ever.
Is it sexual for you?
No.
[Mumbling]
Hey guys.
Hey!
What can I get for ya?
Sure is. I have chocolate
and I have vanilla.
Chocolate?
Yeah sure.
Two chocolates.
Coming right up.
A cup.
Ah Jillian?
Yeah?
Two chocolates please?
Excellent. Could you
get them for me?
Kind of on a break, Wallace.
Could you get them for me anyway
and don't call me Wallace.
Mmm, no.
Ok.
One-second guys.
Is there a problem?
No there's not a problem.
Maybe you gentlemen could
fill out a response card
about how you feel
about our product?
When we haven't even
tried the product? Yep.
Yeah- that's-
Maybe you gentlemen could come
back in five minutes.
Sorry.
Ok,
my break is over.
Yes, thank you Jillian?
Two chocolates,
How many pot-heads does it take
to make one cup of ice cream?
Excuse me are you sassing?
Hey!
It doesn't matter what they-
Just get the
two chocolates, okay?
It'll be right there gentlemen.
Here you go.
Enjoy them.
These. Both of you.
May I have a spoon?
No.
They're-
Great.
That was really good Wally.
[Spanking]
That was a dream of mine
and you, you know, ruined it.
C'mon. You could get a job
as a telemarketer.
Work all day totally nude.
Yeah, everything's
a joke to you.
Oh, you wanted me to
take that seriously?
Want to make it up to me?
Come see my band play tonight.
Ok.
Really?
No.
You know, you're
the best looking woman
I would never, ever
consider having sex with.
Wally, if I wanted
to have sex with you,
you'd do it.
I'm a guy, I'll have sex with
anyone who will let me.
Why, were you thinking
of having sex with me?
If you get rubber sheets on
your bed, I'll think about it.
No. Hey,
will you come back
and bring me a coffee?
Uh, no.
Please?
A cup of coffee!
Should have been nicer.
# Time passed too fast
before you saw her #
# Then it stopped short,
short on a dime #
# And she's so pretty, she's so
pretty, she's so pretty #
# And you've never seen
so pretty in all of your time #
# And then you can get
the governor on the line #
# Or will it with
all of your might #
# But you can't change the fact
that she's a diamond, #
# shiny diamond And you sir
are merely just a man #
He definitely saw me pee.
Can I have a chocolate, please?
[Man talking on phone]
Does your dad want one?
Hey dad, do you-
Doesn't matter, just hurry up.
He can be such
a jerk sometimes.
I understand.
He's an evil lawyer, You know,
you're kind of lucky.
I didn't know dads could be
jerks until this year,
and The problem with learning
that so late in life.
It just, it totally
just breaks your heart.
You'll be okay.
[Ice cream truck music plays]
Hello there!
[Knocking]
You can't do that.
I can't hear my programs
with that music.
It drives me insane.
You have to turn it off.
I don't know how it could
be driving you insane.
Turn it off.
No, I hear this
music all the time.
You're only allowed to play it
when you're driving.
You're not allowed to play
it when you're parked.
If you don't turn it off,
I'm going to call the police.
Driving. You said
I could play the music
if I'm driving.
Stop it. Stop playing
that music.
Don't worry. I only have
half a tank of gas left.
I'm going to call the police,
and they'll shoot you!
Lady!
Hey.
Hi. I'm glad
you're still here.
Can't say that I'm glad.
Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate.
Cat's or dogs?
What?
Oh, sorry. I thought
you were doing like,
a word association game.
No, I wasn't.
Okay.
Well I just wanted
to swing by and see
if we were still
on for tonight.
And also, is this suit
too much?
Too much of what for what?
Yeah, I don't know.
Should I wear this.
Or do you think I should
go home and change
into something
more casual first.
Oh, come on,
you do remember me, don't you?
From literally last night.
Well, I know that
you're not Wally
and I'm about 50%
sure you're not Nancy.
I was the man sleeping
next to you,
except you were under the
covers and I was above them.
Oh, you're Tex!
Well, yes and no.
How is that a yes and no.
But actually everybody else in
the world calls me Albert.
Why would they do that?
That's my name.
Why were you wearing
a cowboy hat?
I was having a bad hair day.
I couldn't find
my baseball cap.
Why are you all dressed up?
Oh, will your bride be
joining us for dinner?
My little brother
is getting married.
Tex.
Albert.
I'd like to stay with Tex. Okay.
The thing is, I'm not really
dating so much these days.
Well, it's just dinner.
Maybe a little dancing.
But, I'm not really dating.
And if you're
talking about sex,
we were in bed together,
and quite naked
if I remember correctly.
You were way too drunk.
There are rules.
Are they written down?
Does this have anything
to do with that guy Danny
you mentioned last night?
Did I get drunk and tell
you my life story?
Yes, well you did mention
something about Danny,
and there was
something about you
trying to be a painter
and there was stuff
about how much you hate
your father right now.
Oh! Stop.
Oh God. I can't-
You know way too much about me.
I can't look you in the face.
Okay, you know what then.
Why don't I tell you
something that no one else
in the world knows about me?
And then we'll be even.
Like what?
Okay, so when I was
thirteen years old,
I used to hang out with this kid
named Keith McGrath.
He was the coolest kid
in the neighborhood.
He was good at sports.
He knew all the important
curse words and and
here, come here.
That he would ride around
the sand dunes
that this construction
crew made.
Were you cool?
No, for some reason
I had great difficulty
pronouncing the word
"vagina" correctly.
I want to know how
you pronounced it.
That's not important.
Anyway, So one day
Keith McGrath and I
were behind our houses
in a large wooded area
and he pulled out
a pack of matches.
We started setting bigger and
bigger piles of leaves on fire.
And the leaves started
blowing around.
It got out of control.
They set the bushes on fire.
It started jumping
to the trees.
We tried to put it out
with our coats
but it just started
getting worse.
So- Without
saying a word
we decided to run,
And I was amazed
because I was running as
fast as Keith McGrath.
Why do you keep saying
his full name?
Because Keith McGrath
was so cool
that you would never
want to confuse him
with any other lesser Keith.
Right so we both
ran back to the house.
Oh you got-
Hey you, yeah you.
We're closed.
That's good.
I don't think he'll
ever come back.
So you ran.
Okay, right.
So as I'm running
I realize I'm going twice as
fast as I ever had before.
And not just fast, I'm
I'm graceful.
Like a young deer.
I realize that I'm
I'm running like Keith.
Keith McGrath?
So the old sniveling me would
have ran to my house,
gone upstairs to
my bedroom and cried
while I waited for my parents
to come home and punish me.
But now I could run
like a deer.
So- So, what did I do?
I ran into the kitchen,
I grabbed the phone.
I dialed 9-1-1
and reported the fire.
Then I bounded back
outside on my new legs,
and I waited for
the firemen to arrive.
And when they did I took them
back out to the fire
and it was put out with very
little damage done at all.
And you didn't get in trouble
for starting the fire?
Well the old me
would have but-
When the fireman asked
me what happened
I didn't cry or piss my pants.
I just looked them right
in the eye and told them
that I saw older boy
playing with matches
and that they started the fire.
And they believed you?
Yeah, they did.
And you didn't tell anyone?
Well, I told you and um-
I almost told my father
the night before my parade.
Your parade?
I was a hero.
Heroes get parades.
And Keith McGrath?
Keith McGrath.
The coolest kid
I had ever known
went straight to his
bedroom and cried
while he waited to be punished.
I tell you something
happened that day.
It sounds like
you thought quickly
and he panicked.
Yeah, you could say that.
And what would you say?
I say on that day,
as we ran out of those woods
Keith McGrath and I
exchanged souls.
Exchanged souls.
How does it work?
I don't know.
But I tell you,
I never changed back.
And the change was total.
Keith found out that he was too
clumsy for sports anymore.
He started smoking
a lot of pot.
He gained weight.
Girls started to avoid him
whereas they used
to flock to him.
And you could run?
Not just run.
It was like my remaining baby
fat burned off overnight.
I grew six inches by the end
of the school year.
My classes started
to seem easy.
I became an honor student.
And did I mention girls?
Well, I started dating
actual live girls.
It was like a whole new world.
While I write my thesis for
my masters in Literature.
It's a critical study of a trio
of Paul Auster novels
called The New York Trilogy.
You kidding?
I love Paul Auster.
Yeah, I know.
Was last night just a
complete black out to you?
I remember the cowboy hat.
You got your masters
in Literature, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
If I'm without devotion
then I'm faithless
but if I'm filled with
hope then I'm faithful.
Okay, and if I go to
a dentist for a simple cleaning
then that's painless
but if I get a root canal
then that is painful.
Yes.
Okay. Now, if I do anything
to get what I want
then that is ruthless,
but If I don't actively
pursue anything
then is that ruthful?
I see.
Do you?
Why does her name work in one
context and not in another.
Um, I don't know.
You know, but I'll have
an answer for you tonight.
You will?
It's not too far from the bar
we were at last night.
I'm going to be there
at about 8pm.
I would love for you
to join me.
It's just- I'm not
really dating.
All right, there's no pressure.
You're sure that I'm going
to be there aren't you?
Who doesn't like Mexican food?
Here you go.
What school did you go to?
Stanford.
Oh, are you joking?
Really? So you see we could have
been dating this whole time.
We could have moved passed
this awkward stage and be,
and be smack in the middle
of the good stuff by now.
The good stuff?
What the hell is that?
Well, if you meet
me tonight you'll be
one step closer to finding out.
Chocolate or vanilla?
Oh, not so fast.
What's in this stuff?
I don't know. Um,
it's made with love.
I'm lactose intolerant.
That means that I can't have
anything with dairy in it.
Well it looks like ice cream;
It might be yogurt.
Don't you have a list
of ingredients anywhere?
No.
Can you look for them?
Yeah, no I didn't see them.
You didn't even look for them.
Look, I think there's
a chance that this product
I think it would be wise for you
to not try one of our samples.
Okay, but if you have
some with soy
then I can have that.
Would it A) Kill you
or B) save your life
if you missed out on
snacking between meals.
You just called me fat.
I did no such thing
but you certainly are.
You just did it again.
No. That was the first time.
I'm going to call your boss.
You have no right to talk
to people like that.
[ grunting ]
Hi, do you need any help?
No.
Do you want me to bring
a cup to you?
No, just don't close
until I get there.
Uh, chocolate or vanilla?
You're not the usual girl.
She had somewhere else
she needed to be today.
Oh, um, well she usually
has a chair for me to use.
Uh chocolate.
You like it?
Oh, no.
No, it has sort of
a bitter chalky taste.
Well, why do you come
all the way over here
if you don't like it?
Well, it reminds me
when I was thirteen,
just a little thing
on the Jersey coast.
Oh Jersey coast.
But that was seven or
eight lifetimes ago.
Oh, I'm sorry, are you
talking about reincarnation?
Oh no. One life
is enough for anyone.
But there are so many
lives within that life.
You're so young you're
probably on your first one.
Uh, yeah, I guess.
I don't know.
I feel really old.
You know, when I was thirteen,
I used to be a very
devout Catholic.
But thirteen turned out
to be my religious peak,
and I've been on a Catholic
downhill ever since.
Do you believe in God?
No.
Mmm.
I can't seem to let him go.
I've been wondering
for years now why he,
why he keeps me alive.
My first husband is dead.
All three of my
husbands are dead.
I never had any children
of my own.
So I'm ready.
I've been ready since 1954,
when my first husband
Ricardo Ortiz died.
You've probably
never heard of him.
Ricardo Ortiz?
He did a few movies
and that's where we met.
Of course, they changed
his name to Richard Olsen.
There was talk of him
being the next Cary Grant.
But the camera never saw it.
Ricardo was walking sex
in a male form.
And either the camera
sees it or it doesn't
and with him, it didn't.
But if you're a woman
sitting next to him
you'd have trouble following
the conversation
because all you would
be thinking is
when is he going to kiss me?
Where is the first place
he will touch me?
Am I going to faint?
I want him to touch
me in places
that's going to make
my skin burn.
Wow.
Yeah, it was a wow.
We married in the fall after we
finished a musical called um...
"Two Plus One."
Did you see it?
I was the second lead.
I had a wonderful number
in a nightclub.
How many movies have you done?
Mmm, Hundreds.
Hundreds?
Mm-Hmm,
Well, but I wasn't the star.
I'd work on a picture for one
week maybe two at the most.
But it adds up.
I was Betty Rockland then.
With the reddest hair
you ever did see.
I'm being punished
for my pride now.
Pride goeth before the fall.
What do you mean?
When my last husband
Stanford Miller died
I should have gone to one of
those Actor's Retirement Homes.
I just couldn't do it.
Well, my nickname at
Warner Brothers was the beauty.
Can you believe that?
Ridiculous.
You're still beautiful Betty.
It's a good thing you
don't believe in God
because He'd snap your tongue
right out of your mouth.
No, I could never,
I could never let them
see me like this.
The great actors would be
reading pages of Shakespeare.
There wouldn't be a dry
eye in the house.
The comedians would be
using all those old jokes
and everybody would laugh.
What could I do?
I- I thought the whole
point of retirement
is that you don't have
to do anything.
It's like your reward
for a life well lived.
Who has had one of those?
You should let somebody call
one of those homes for you.
No.
I would go through
the next 200 years in pain
before I will let them
see me like this.
Um.
I think I should go
in the truck.
[Sigh]
Alright, well this has been
wonderful, thank you.
I'll get that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You good?
I think so, yes.
I'm over in apartment 2B.
In that apartment house
over there. Come see me.
Hello?
Hey, hello?
Is this your truck?
You wouldn't happen to
have a stamp, would you?
Stamp?
You know what, I'm out.
You should check back tomorrow.
It's a bill, I need it today.
I'll buy a coke or
whatever I just need one.
Where's it going? Maybe I can
drop it off when I'm done.
It's going to Cleveland.
Cleveland?
Yep, yep, you should give
it to me.
I've always wanted
to go to Cleveland.
You know, you food truck
people think you're so cool.
I can get ice cream
at the grocery store.
You don't trust me?
You're in someone's
neighborhood.
You should act a little nicer.
This isn't your
neighborhood you know.
You sure?
I'll cut your tires.
Hello?
Excuse me?
Hi, what time is it?
Oh, it's almost three.
My friend and I were hoping
to get some ice cream.
Uh, go around to the front,
I'll be right there.
Okay.
Jillian?
Paula!
Oh my God,
what are you doing here?
I think I've seen you twice
in the past two days. Where?
I saw you leaving
a bar last night,
then you were around
here earlier today?
Why are you here,
in Los Angeles?
I got a summer internship
and William and Morris
in the legal department.
Oh course you do. You're
doing entertainment law.
This is my cousin Penny,
I'm staying with her
and my aunt this summer.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing here, do
you actually work here?
Oh no, I'm just filling
in for a friend.
I didn't think you would-
Not that what I'm doing
is much better.
I'm bartending two
nights a week at a club.
Money, you know.
Your cousin and I
were good friends
at Stanford Law,
but I've taken a
semester off to see
if I can do something
in the arts instead.
I thought I was going
to try classical piano
but it is ridiculously
difficult.
And I ended up competing with
all these little Asian girls
who were playing since they were
like five or six years old.
You could try something else.
I did. I mean, I tried guitar
for a while and..
I painted for
the past few months.
No, no I'm terrible and
my teacher looks at me
like I took a crap
on the canvas.
You should come back
to Stanford in the fall.
I don't think that I can.
What are you going to do here?
Um, I'm a little lost,
but I think Los Angeles
is the perfect place to,
you know, be un-tethered,
float amongst the stars
and you know,
it's giving me time to think.
That sounds cool.
I'm lying. Really, I'm just
drinking way too much
and I'm sleeping with surfer
boys and wanna-be musicians.
Oh, Jesus! Please don't
tell Danny that!
Hey, did you call Danny
today? It's his birthday!
I went to the payphone across the
corner and that's not working.
Do you have your
cell phone with you?
Does she know Daniel?
Jillian, we actually
have to run.
It's just, we have some
people waiting for us.
Oh, um, okay,
well, want to hang out
sometime since you're here.
We can go out. We can
gossip about Stanford Law.
And I won't pressure you
for information about Danny
because I know that
a trial separation
is still a separation.
It's a trial.
He's screwing around.
Jillian.
Okay, you're right,
that's none of my business.
As long as he's not
sleeping with Alice Goodman.
She's got this little scrunched
up face, it make me wanna-
Guys.
I thought we were going
to get some lunch
before we went to the airport.
Yes, we are.
Hello.
Hello.
Jillian we actually have
to go-
I still want some ice cream.
Yes but-
Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate please.
Okay, now let's hit the road.
I'll have some too,:
Please.
I don't know.
Why not?
You're pregnant and
I'm going to be honest.
They're like testing
this product.
I have no idea what's
in this thing.
It could be made out
of starfish for all I know.
Let's get going.
No Dana.
She knows Daniel.
And watch out, it sounds like
they used to date or something.
You used to date Daniel?
Um, when was this?
I left the car running,
so I just wanted to come over.
Hey honey!
Huh?
Too much traffic.
What's wrong?
Can you come over here?
What?
Just come over here.
I don't understand, I feel like
I'm not asking you that much.
I mean, what are the odds?
Did you plan this?
This is random. That's
what I'm saying to you.
So why don't I use this
random experience to-
Just give me
ten minutes to talk.
Ten minutes to talk to her.
You can go get lunch
with the girls.
Thank you,
Thank you.
Hey, it was really
nice meeting you.
You've got like such a beautiful
pregnant glow and everything.
I want you to know the bloating
that's happening in your face,
I'm sure it'll go away.
Hey, happy birthday!
Thank you. Thanks.
You know, I've been
feeling guilty all day
because I couldn't call you.
That's okay.
Yeah,
yeah I guess it is.
I mean, since you have so much
more to feel guilty about.
Why are you standing all
the way over there?
Uh, I don't know.
Basic human survival
I would guess.
Am I supposed
to call you Daniel?
Look, I meant to tell you.
Is that little chipmunk
going to have your baby?
Jillian look, it's complicated.
No it is not complicated;
It's a very simple question.
I don't- How many
months is she?
She's just over five.
Our trial separation
started six months ago.
Were you with her while
we were together?
Dana was strictly
a rebound relationship.
Look, I want you to know I was
very depressed after you left.
Oh yeah, you were so
depressed that you-
you went and got the first
woman you met pregnant.
I don't even understand
what you're doing here.
I thought that you were
going to be in New York
doing an internship
for the summer.
Well, with the baby coming-
Oh, yeah I guess
with the baby coming.
Jillian, come on.
I don't understand.
Well Paula- we're staying
with Paula for the night
and we're flying to Hawaii
tomorrow because...
Dana's father,
he owns like a hotel.
It's like a whole
golf course thing,
on one of the smaller islands.
Jillian, Dana
and I are getting-
Well it's going to happen
whether I say it or not.
You're willing to ruin
your whole life,
Come on. I'm not going to
ruin my whole life
and please just stop
calling her that,
her name is Dana.
Who cares what her name is.
Do you think that we're going
to take vacations together
and become lifelong friends?
Well yeah, I hope
we can stay friends.
You can tell that
she's the kind of woman
that will never lose the weight
once she has this baby.
[Moans] It's like going to be
married to a bowling ball.
You're going to
pump out three more
before you even get
a second wind.
She's just going to wrap
you in her tentacles.
You just met her, you don't
know her at all.
I could say the same
thing about you.
No, no. It's just
not true, okay?
I've grown to love her.
You're lying.
Jillian, no.
Yeah, your left eye twitches
when you're lying.
That's not the best asset
for a trial lawyer to have.
Well, I'm not entirely sure
that I'm going to
finish law school now.
But that's exactly
what you're doing.
How do you think you're going
to provide for a family
without a law degree?
Dana's father, he wants me
to work at his hotel.
You're going to become
your father in laws caddy,
generally kiss his ass,
hoping that he leaves you
his kingdom when he dies.
I'm going to tell you
something, these people,
they never die.
Well, it's not like that.
I don't know- when were you
going to tell me any of this?
I mean, three weeks ago I was
talking to you on the phone
and you said you were
in New York looking at sublets.
I know, okay, yeah, that wasn't
entirely true and I'm sorry.
No, this conversation,
us meeting here is an accident.
If you hadn't accidently
stumbled by here
I still wouldn't know...
No, it's complicated.
No it's not complicated.
You were supposed
to be waiting for me.
You're a coward!
Jillian, enough, okay.
The world doesn't stop
when you want it to.
No, no, no. You decided
to leave law school.
Okay, you decided that we should
have a trial separation.
We only talk on the phone
when you feel like it.
The world just doesn't
work that way.
Well you should have
said something.
I am. This is it.
I'm saying it.
Dana and I, we're going
to Hawaii this weekend,
we're getting married
and in a couple of months
we're having our
first child Okay?
Danny!
Danny, no, wait, wait, wait.
Just stop.
No.
Come on, fine.
I mean, obviously
you already have.,
I got to go.
Oh my God, oh my God.
This is just like my father.
The second that my sister
graduates from high school
he leaves town, the obligation
to his family is done
and he goes
and marries some bimbo
that's a week and
a half older than me.
Let's not kid ourselves
about this whole thing.
You never really loved me
in that sort of way.
The 'til death do us part,
amen, that kind of way.
You know, I mean, even
if I came back to school
you were going to break up
with me sooner or later.
So, what do you want me to do?
You want me to leave
Dana and marry you?
I don't know. You can't- you
can't just ask me that.
I don't know what kind
of question is that?
It's a very simple question.
Take care Jillian.
Hey!
Hey!
Is the soap opera over yet?
Can I get some ice cream?
Hello?
# Her eyes won't weep no more
# I have tried, I have tried
Man: What the hell's going on?
# But they did gush
like the rivers #
# and they dried up my insides
# Melancholy it would be like
sunshine to me here #
# I wonder if she's even
sad or if she's got a care #
Oh, oh dear,
you better Come in.
You look like you
were crying over a man.
Somebody break
your heart today?
I was- I was engaged
to a guy
and I just found out that he
got another woman pregnant
and that they're going
to Hawaii to get married.
And I found out by accident.
He was too afraid to tell me.
[ sighing ]
Are you in this movie?
But I keep the TV on Turner
Classic Movies all the time.
It's sort of like a high school
year book come alive.
Guess.
Is that you?
Yes.
You know, there was
a time in my life
where it was a joy to
wake up every morning
and run to the mirror.
Ah, where is he, wait.
This is my Ricardo.
You loved him?
Well, you know they had to
sedate me for a week
when I heard that he had been
killed in a knife fight.
What a silly old way
for a man to die-
before he was thirty years old.
But, I don't think we'd
be celebrating
our fiftieth anniversary.
We probably would have killed
each other eventually.
But that didn't mean
that I didn't love him
with all my heart.
Actually I was crying
because I can't believe
I was engaged to a guy
that I didn't love at all.
He was just a security blanket.
Well, people don't
like to be alone.
That's why I married
my second husband.
You didn't love him?
Not at all.
He was so angry.
You know, after five years
he told me that he was
actually gay.
Gay?
Well, did you get divorced?
Oh no, we got along
fine after that.
I stayed with him until he
died of a heart attack
twelve years later.
I'm so glad you came by.
Well, maybe I can come
see you again someday.
Well, don't wait too long
because I may not be here.
And when you do, could you
remind me who you are?
Of course.
Hey!
Hey.
Peter never showed up?
No he did, finally.
How did it go?
I thought we were all
going to have to get up
and go through a speech
about how much we love him,
what he means to our lives but
my mother got up first
and started to do that,
he cut her off, said he didn't
need to hear all that junk.
He said that if we
wanted to take him
to a good treatment center
that he was ready to go.
So, we did.
Oh, well that's weird.
Well, he did have some
time to think about it
since you told him we were all
there and waiting for him.
I didn't think I had to mention
that you were supposed
to keep that part a secret.
I know. Sorry.
I just- I would have called
and warned you but my phone,
it's been dead
all day, I'm sorry.
Where were you just now?
I was at Betty's.
The old actress.
I had to get away.
I don't know how you
do this, every day.
Oh my God, these people,
they are all insane.
Oh God.
It sucks.
I know.
I know, thank you.
Thank You.
Oh, do you want to come
with me to see.
Wally's band play tonight.
No, I think I'm going to-
Oh! Should I run her over,
or is she a friend of yours?
Is she crawling under the car?
Coffee!
That's my coffee.
Real sugar.
Why is this happening?
Moo! Moo! Moo!
I like her.
I owe her five bucks.
Thanks.
So Wait, they're actually
getting married this weekend?
That's what he said.
Should we go?
Go where?
We can crash the wedding.
It could be fun.
No, I'll never see Danny again.
I really don't want to.
Okay.
What's your deal?
What do you mean?
Well after you finish
your thesis are you
going to like,
teach, write, both?
Yeah well teaching
seems like a must
because I got to start paying
off all these school loans,
but the thing about writing is,
I spent the last year and
a half reading everything
by and about Paul Auster
and you know what?
What?
I hate him.
I hate him more than anybody
else who has lived.
Who knew Paul Auster
was worse than Hitler.
No, it's not that
Paul Auster is a bad guy.
It's just that you can't
spend that much time
studying one person without
wanting to kill them.
I've spent all this time
writing about Paul Auster
and I hate him.
So, if I spent a year writing
a book about me,
wouldn't I start
to hate myself?
Could you write
about something else?
What else do I know
about but me?
So, what about you?
Me?
Yeah.
You going to go back
to law school?
No, I don't want
to talk about that.
Do you think you'll try to
be some sort of artist?
No. No talent.
Nothing to talk
about with that,
really it's a touchy
subject for me.
Okay.
Sorry.
Want to talk about your father?
Absolutely not.
Um, oh, ruthless.
It's not actually based on a
conniving woman named Ruth.
It's actually a variation
on the word rue, R-U-E,
which means to have
compassion or pity for.
So, if you are ruthless it
means you have no pity for
or towards, others.
You look that up for me?
I did.
I think you'll find people will
do a lot of things for you.
If you ever just want to
put down the beer bottle
and let them.
Okay.
Let's see what you got.
# And even the great big sky
could be bluer #
# And even the songbirds could
sing songs sweeter #
# And even the hearts of children
could be purer #
# But you and me, babe, our love
can't get better #
# And even the stars at night
could be brighter #
# And even the moon with its
might could be grander #
# And even the key
of C can be minor #
# But you and me, babe, our love
can't get bigger #
# 'Cause, oh, oh we're in
love love love... #
# And when I'm still up at night
and you're sleeping #
# I feel in my hands that you're
definitely dreaming #
# And even in there I'm sure
you still love me #
# And even the words on
the page could be wiser #
# And even the sands of the ocean
could be finer #
# And even an elated smile
could be wider #
# But you and me, babe,
our love can't be brighter #
# 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love
love love... #
[ instrumental ]
# 'Cause, oh, oh we're in love
love love... #
[ Ice Cream Truck music plays ]