1
Here we are
such good friends
reunited once again
been through good times
through the bad
you've been family
I've never had
Could we be friends
and lovers?
You know me like no other
Would we ruin it all
with a kiss?
We have stuck through
thick and thin
ooh, with eyes of love
you look within
Still remain here
by my side
but now feelings stir
I cannot hide
Could we be friends
and lovers?
Who knows, we might discover
A much deeper love than this
Find the thing
we've always missed...
Merry Christmas, sir.
Merry Christmas.
Can you show me your most
handsome scotch pines, please?
Sure. right there next
to the Douglas fir.
Ah, thank you.
Mm!
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
[Sniffs] mm! mm mm mm!
What are you doing, Ian?
I've decided
we're not gonna have
a long-needle, short-needle
thing again this year.
It's gonna be long needle.
Mm!
We have it every year.
Well, it's at
my house. My choice.
Next year, your
house, your choice.
Ok. one vote for long needle.
Ok. the one vote that counts.
That's the thing about
living in a democracy.
Republic.
Yeah, it always
comes down to one thing
and one vote,
and you always lose.
Hey, this is a good one.
That's right. Now put it back.
Supposed to try it
with the breadcrumbs.
No, it's the creamy
soup that makes it...
Hello!
Hello. merry Christmas.
Promise me one thing?
[Together] maybe. maybe.
That we will still be friends
no matter what tree we pick.
Children... merry Christmas.
Oh, god, look at this one.
This is great. This is perfect.
This is the one.
All: we hate long needles!
Just don't like them.
Stop.
Just stop. It's an ugly tree.
Ho ho ho!
Look at this.
Nice uni.
I'm a ho.
You're rotten, Jon.
Check this out.
I wish it was Christmas
all year long.
Tell you, the Santa claus uni
is the ultimate magnet.
Forget about that whole thing
with the sheeps
in wolf clothing.
Did you get a number, Jon?
I would've got her number,
but the husband came back.
Oh, those pesky husbands.
Exactly. heh heh heh!
Santa, Santa!
Did you get my letter?
Well, of course I did, angel.
Now... where's your mommy?
Jon: yecch.
Ok, thank you very much, honey.
That's good.
Didn't you get it? I sent
it to the north pole.
Well, you know, Santa's
been very, very busy.
Very good. Now go on and
scram out of here. Go on.
No, no, no, no!
All right, now listen, kid.
I ain't Santa claus, and
there is no Santa claus,
so you want something,
you go ask your mom.
Now scram.
You're unbelievable.
You are so mean-spirited!
Want to spend some time
In another universe
leaving things behind
Far away from sister moon...
[All laughing and chattering]
No, no, no! That
corner's all wrong.
We always put it in there.
Man: you're really good
with children, Jon.
Ian: right there.
Right over there.
Woman: don't hurt the tree.
Man: just stick it in the hole.
You know how to do that.
Ha ha.
Know what? I think this is
gonna be our best tree ever.
What do you got to eat?
Look in the fridge.
[Telephone rings]
I'll get it. No, no! Let
the machine get it.
I'll get it!
Who are you avoiding?
We're all here.
I'm not avoiding anyone.
Could be the office.
I don't want them to get ahold of
me till we get the tree trimmed.
Ian on machine:
Hi. It's Ian. I'm not in.
If you don't leave a message, I can't
call you back. [Machine beeps]
Man on machine:
Ian, this is your father.
I'm sorry to bother you,
but I need to know
whether you and your
friends are coming skiing.
There's something that I...
That I have to say,
and I would feel
more comfortable
telling you in person,
if that's all right.
So, I look forward to your call.
[Machine beeps]
You really want to go?
What part of free skiing
didn't you understand?
Wait a minute. I thought you and
your father weren't speaking.
We speak. A little.
What? he just calls you
out of the blue?
Look, he calls every 6 months.
It's no big deal.
Let's get that tree trimmed.
I'll start dinner!
So, then, Ian,
if you do see your dad
or you don't see your dad,
it's no biggie?
Yeah. that's what I'm saying.
Great. when are we leaving?
Man: Jon.
Well, I mean, isn't
this an opportunity
for, you know, your dad and you
to kind of kiss and make up?
You guys are taking this
thing way too seriously.
No, no, no. I'm with Lisa.
I mean, he did call, right?
So he made a call. Whoopee.
My birthday was 2 months ago.
Did he call then?
Send a letter? Anything?
No.
And which I'm cool with, right.
I worked my way through college
waiting tables.
Did he show up
for my graduation?
Man: no.
But he offered you the money.
You wouldn't take it.
Free skiing!
Come on, Ian. He's your father.
Hey, guys, I have a great life.
I started my own business.
We started our own business.
Sorry. we started
our own business.
Besides, I have you guys.
Look...
[Whispering] ...very much.
I don't ski.
I don't like the cold.
I don't like fathers in
general, mine in particular.
Well, at least
all of you know...
All: who your father is.
[Laughing] fuck all of you.
However, I think we should go.
Come on. You can't seriously
be thinking of doing this.
Free skiing!
Jon!
What?
It ain't gonna happen,
all right?
You know, I think you're taking
this really, really well.
Yeah. I don't know why I
didn't think of this before.
All I have to do is go up there,
let him talk at me a little bit,
take my lumps, we get the
run of the place, right?
We're golden. Free skiing
maybe all winter, huh?
Nothing but the best
for my good buddy.
Hey, jonny!
I'll put any amount
on this one, fellas.
Ian: ah.
Ugly.
I don't know, Jon. She seems
way out of your league.
Yeah, she almost
seems, you know,
too pretty to imagine
the act, so...
Hell, I wouldn't be
able to get a chubby,
let alone maintain it.
Liar. all bets are on.
So, let me take your bag.
No, no, no, I'm cool. I got it.
Um, Ian. You're coming, right?
I mean, you're not gonna
pull one of your...
No, I just need to know
I got a way to go,
I gotta go. You know?
Right on.
Take care.
You are so...
Mmh!
Jon. [chuckles]
Uh, Jon.
I'm sorry. Can I get a hug?
Ok.
Great.
Unh!
Ow! the hair!
Ok. well, mind your manners.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
Now, hold on.
What?
Well, you didn't get a lover
when I said I'm come along.
You got a model.
I see.
Are you really a photographer?
Are you kidding me?
Ok.
I'm absolutely a photographer.
Mm-hmm.
There she is. Right on time.
Oh, my god.
Hey, big brother!
Little sister!
Big sister.
You look very, uh...
Pregnant. yeah.
Oh, man, do you think?
God, I thought I was
just getting fat
and had a mean case
of indigestion.
Heh heh heh!
I told you there was something
I wanted to talk to you about.
No shit.
Greetings from home.
I'll bet.
Well, I'm not really a model.
I can't ski. I don't know
any of your friends.
I mean, what am I doing here?
This is gonna be great.
You'll see.
Come on. This is gonna be great.
Baby.
Keaton, jeez.
Dad took this better than you.
All right, explain that again.
What, that I.U.D.S
aren't 100% reliable?
No, the part about not telling
the father he's the father.
Well, you seem to have heard me.
I heard her.
What you're doing
is totally unfair.
No, it's not.
She told him.
I asked him if he wanted
to have a child with me,
and he said no.
That's not the same thing
as telling him you're
gonna have his child.
It's not his child.
It's their child.
Hey, I don't need
some guy to tell me
to go get an abortion.
So you're happy about the baby?
Ecstatic.
That's great.
[German accent] Shit!
4,000 deutsche marks,
and I'm stranded!
[Screaming in German]
Hey, fella!
Ja?
Which way is timber Ridge road?
It's that way... oh!
Bitte, mein auto is
totaled, is dead,
and I'm stranded,
so please give me
a ride into town.
I'll show you the way. Please?
Yeah, sure. Come on, get in.
Danke.
[Shouting in German]
Oh, how serendipitous.
I need ride,
and you need directions.
My name is hans.
Hello, hans. I'm Jon.
This is Carla.
Hello, Jon. Helllooo, Carla.
Oh, timber Ridge road is
just up here a little ways,
a little bit
around the bend and so forth.
[Speaking German]
I'm from Bavaria.
Where from in Deutschland
do you hail, sweet?
From stuttgart.
Stuttgart. so marvelous!
Which way am I going, please?
You just right, left. I'll show
you how to get there, sweetie.
Thanks for the ride.
I was so stranded.
So, my car is so much
troubles lately, a little...
Why don't you sit back a
little there, hans, and relax.
Ok, pal? Thanks.
Be nice. How much fun
can you have
when your car breaks down?
Don't worry.
I'm sure it's only minor.
Oh, my god. She has got
the most beautiful hands.
Which is interesting because my
name is also strangely hans.
I learned from my grandmother
back in schwarzwald...
In baden-baden.
How to read palms
a long time ago.
It's just a little skill
that I still possess.
Really? yes.
Can you read mine?
Yes, I'd be happy to.
Do you want to know the
present or the future?
The future.
Very well. This here
is your lifeline.
Look down here. See how
this arcs around like this?
This is your lifeline.
You have good, long,
long, long life.
Strong stock.
But I see here on the
loveline there's a break,
which means many things.
What you think might happen
is not going to happen,
and perhaps something
else will happen.
You know, I thought for sure
you'd have, like,
a bonehead bavarian
in your immediate future.
Jon, behave. Come on.
I also see here finally...
Oh! funf kinder! 5
little children.
Not with you, hans.
Now sit back and relax.
Jon! what?
He's from Europe.
I mean, you can't expect him
to act like a normal American.
You're not really going for
this bullshit are you?
What?
You know what? Forget it.
Just let's forget it.
I'm gonna pull over.
I'd like you to get out.
Ok there, hans?
I do something wrong?
I want you out of my
fucking car, ok, bavarian?
Have you gone nuts?
This is unbelievable.
You want this guy coming on to you?
Is that it?
He's not coming
on to me. Are you?
Jon, I wasn't coming on to
her in the slightest, Jon.
Sit back, buddy!
You're crazy.
I'm crazy? You're crazy.
What, do you think this
wacko is cute or something?
Yeah, he's cute.
Ooh!
Cute, my ass!
Hans: Jon, did I do
something wrong to Jon?
Get out.
Right, thanks.
Kiss mein arschloch!
Ha ha! She likes me better.
He can't handle it.
Hans read her hands.
Now she wants me in her pants.
Swim the deepest ocean
just to see you smile
scale the highest mountain,
touch the sky
For you I cross a desert
walk for miles and miles
just to wipe a tear
from your eye
Baby, I'd do
anything for you...
You know, keat? Hmm?
I've been thinking. Maybe, you
could fix me up with Ian.
Oh, score.
That's not funny.
I'm not joking. I've seen
the way he looks at me.
He looks at everyone that way.
Does not. He does too.
Does not. Hello!
Look! that's lan's father.
How you doing, Mr. wickham?
Hi. Keaton.
Oh, yes. Keaton. Ian's
told me about you.
Now, Richard, ok?
Call me Richard.
No Ian?
He's driving himself.
All right.
This is Lisa,
and this is my sister Jane.
She's pregnant.
Great.
I have heard so much about you.
Oh, thank you. I'm so
glad you could come.
My... oh, you... you are pregnant!
Let's get you inside and
comfortable, all right?
There's a beautiful fireplace.
Oh, yummy.
He doesn't seem
so horrible to me.
Everybody's parents are
great except your own.
Richard: for you.
Hi, guys!
All: hey!
Hi, there. I'm Jon.
Welcome. I'm Richard,
and merry Christmas.
Thank you, Richard. Merry
Christmas to you, too.
And you are?
Carla. nice to meet you.
This is my new friend Carla.
Hi, Carla.
Can I interest you
in a glass of wine.
Real cork or a plastic cap?
It's mouton rothschild '75.
1975? wow. Where'd you get that?
Oh, didn't Ian tell you?
Well, I'm in the business.
All right, a toast.
This'll be on me.
To friends and family.
All: hear, hear.
Or anything resembling.
Keaton!
What? be careful.
That's very sensitive
equipment. Please!
Jon, I don't even know why you're
bringing all this crap, anyway.
We didn't even take
a group photo last year.
Well, we're going to
take one this year.
And something else.
You're gonna want to get in
on this thing about Carla.
I'm telling you, I have a sixth
sense about these matters.
She's at least an inch
and a half, maybe 2.
I promise you, the woman
needs a nipple-ectomy.
God!
What?
I've got an aerobics
instructor inside there.
Ooh.
Yeah.
You're so brave.
Really?
Yeah. I mean, having a child, I
would not know where to start.
Oh, starting,
that's the easy part.
You just gotta lie there
for about 60 seconds,
and then you're
well on your way.
I see.
Could I ask you
something embarrassing?
The answer is yes.
Hemorrhoids and flatulence
will become your friends
during pregnancy.
Ok, well...
Well, I don't understand.
I mean, why...
Why am I such
a magnet for losers?
Well, there's no shortage
of losers in the world.
Ohh.
Do you think Jon is a loser?
No, I'm afraid
I'm not much of a cook.
My wife took care
of most of that.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear
about her passing.
Oh. this house
was her pride and joy.
And Ian, oh, he always
loved this place.
Right, right.
Hello.
Baby, come here.
What?
[Jane whispering]
[Lisa and Jane laugh]
Um, Jon?
Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
What did he hit you with,
the modeling line?
[All giggle]
Ohh!
Oh, baby.
I guess I fell for it. Ok.
I mean, how do you
tell the difference
between the good
and the bad ones?
Ok, well, I just make a list...
You know, 2 columns,
pros and cons.
Really? mm-hmm.
I just feel their heads,
and if they're not pointed,
I figured I'm on
the right track. Cheese?
Yeah, pass me a log, baby.
Little loggy.
Mm!
I've got it. I've got it.
You loosen this first...
Jon, I got it. I'm loosening it.
Lisa: right there.
Loosen there... stop it.
Please get off!
Oh, you got a huge point here.
Get off. Stop.
I have a point
because when I was a kid
I fell down and bumped my head.
Really, you did?
Stop it. That's crooked.
It's not your dick, Keaton.
It can't be crooked.
Stop!
Stop! stop!
[Laughing]
Stop it! Stop!
Please stop, stop, stop! Stop.
[Doorbell rings]
And that will be...
Richard: ahh.
Ian!
Uh, merry Christmas. I'm David.
Merry Christmas. Welcome.
Is Ian with you?
He's not here?
Come on in. I'm Richard.
Hi.
Keaton: sassy Dave is here.
Lisa: oh, ducky!
Jon: uh, this is Carla.
Hi. David. Nice to meet you.
Jane: hey, baby.
Hey! oh, my god!
Baby is right.
Did you bring the father?
Oh, no. Turkey baster.
Keaton, why didn't you tell me?
I don't want to talk
about it, David.
Jane: oh, Jesus.
So, uh, where's Ian?
Jon: he's a slow driver.
Yeah! if I know Ian,
he hasn't even left yet.
I'll call him.
[Video game beeping]
[Telephone rings]
Ian here.
Oh, hi... ahem. Hi, dad.
How you doing?
[Whispering] what do we
do if Ian doesn't show?
Pretend like nothing happened,
at least until we
get in one day of skiing.
Women: Jon!
Try not to speak.
[Hangs up]
Well, he said
he must've lost track of time,
and he's going to
jump in the car
and drive right over.
Jane: great. Good.
Perfect.
Look, I really don't think
he's gonna come at this point.
We're sorry, Mr. wickham.
It's all right, but I
just want you to know
that, uh, if you want to stay,
you're more than welcome.
All right? Really,
enjoy yourselves.
He's coming, Richard.
I mean, you heard him.
Well, thank you,
but I don't think so.
God.
Jon: I don't know
about you guys,
but tomorrow,
I am skiing all day.
I don't know. I think
we should go home.
No! come on.
I know. Let's take the picture.
Everybody on the couch.
Come on, let's go.
Hi. I thought we'd
have something sweet
and then just turn in
so we can get up early.
Sounds good. Good.
Can you read that? I
don't have my glasses.
How much time does that take?
It says about...
30 minutes.
Perfect. all right.
You ready for us?
For what?
Well, every year, we do a
Christmas photo of the group,
and we'd love for you
to join us.
Heh! all right.
All right. Ok.
30 minutes.
Carla, if you can just sit up
a little bit for me, please.
Uncross your legs.
Chin down, 3/4 profile.
Right. ok, now just sit up
more and arch your back.
A little bit more. Harder.
Jon! Jon!
Sorry. just gonna set the timer.
And... here we go.
And I'm coming in here.
Let me just... i need to just
squeeze in right here.
Hold still. Put your arm
around my neck.
All right, wait!
You'll blow the picture.
Hold still, and...
Everybody say, "we love you!"
We love you!
[Explosion]
[All screaming]
Don't push me! Don't push!
Oh, my god!
That was so weird. I don't know!
Wait, wait.
I might know.
Go check!
He shouldn't go in like that.
He shouldn't go in there alone.
I thought it was you.
It sounded like a bomb.
I hope it wasn't me.
I'm not ready.
Are you sure
you want to do this?
It could be gas.
No, I don't think it's gas.
No, I have this sinking feeling.
No, the fuse box
is here somewhere.
Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Here's the fuse box.
Oh, thank you.
There we are.
Huh.
I don't think
we're gonna be having
any Christmas pudding.
All right, look, um...
I will clean this up
tomorrow morning, all right?
Well, obviously...
What the hell was it?
The microwave blew.
No.
You kidding?
I'm freezing. What's in there?
Oh, my god, the
Christmas pudding!
That can...
Go, go! It's freezing!
He put the whole can in there?
I hope he doesn't have any pets.
Oh, my god!
[Laughs] whoa!
This could have taken
someone's eye out.
Jon: you know what, though?
It's not bad.
Ok, let's clean this up.
Richard said he'd clean
it up in the morning.
Lisa: we can't
leave it like this.
That's what the man wants.
We're his guests.
If you don't want
to do what he wants,
knock yourselves out.
Oh, men are ridiculous.
Totally.
Ok, boys with the boys
in the first room.
Girls with the girls
in the second.
That's what the man wants,
that's what the man gets.
This really sucks.
It'll be just like camp.
David...
You're not getting any,
and that's final.
Jon.
Yes?
[Chuckles]
Richard: no, he told his friends
that he was going to drive
up when they drove up.
I don't know why you're making
such a big deal out of this.
Because, sweetheart,
if you're willing to walk away
from your own child
without putting up a fight
or at least trying
to fix things,
honey, what does that say
about our chances
come some cloudy day?
Why don't you
just come up anyway?
Really.
[Laughing]
So what's the group
you've got going?
What, the boys and me?
Chez George,
if you can believe it.
Hmm. on main?
Mm-hmm.
10 years ago,
we all worked there.
It was our first jobs.
Really?
After that,
we just sort of stuck.
Jane: oh, shit.
Are you ok doing this?
I'm pregnant, not paralyzed.
[Passes wind]
Jesus!
[Laughs]
I... I'm sorry.
[Jane laughing]
Mmm.
Jon: I mean,
what is the big deal
if I stay in the
same bed with Carla?
You think Richard's really
gonna get that freaked out?
Take her to a motel.
I can't take her to a motel.
It'll ruin the whole...
Mood?
Exactly.
Well, then, you're stuck
here with us, Jon.
Jon: fine.
I just don't want anyone
calling me a liar.
Oh, no, here we go on this
peculiar notion of yours
about the size of a woman's...
Luscious lips.
And based on the
correspondence to the...
Jon: length of the nipple.
Gentlemen, my advanced
research proves
beyond the shadow of a doubt
that the lips are a
definitive indicator of the...
Both: erective nipples.
We know. Jon: Exactly.
Fellas, take a good look
at those lips.
You're sick.
I mean, we're talking
about at least an inch,
probably an inch and a half.
I'm willing to bet 2 inches.
Now...
Who would like
to put their money
where their mouths
wish they were?
Well, maybe just you, Keaton.
Ok, ha ha.
Well, tell me this, Jon.
What exactly is
the scientific formula
for extrapolating the length
of an erect nipple
from the, uh...
Surface area
and girth of the lips.
David, it's so simple.
"L" equals "en" squared.
Lips equals
erect nipples squared.
[Both laughing]
David: thanks, professor.
Fine, go ahead.
Laugh, laugh.
Would you like me to get...
Photographic proof?
I mean, do you actually
think that I would, like,
retouch these luscious
gifts from god?
Yes, I do.
Ok.
[Snaps fingers] I got it.
The jacuzzi.
So I make a list of everything
I think I want from a guy,
you know, in a relationship,
and then I just make a list
of all the guys I know,
and then I'll see
if anything matches.
And then what?
Then I take 'em home
and fuck 'em.
[Laughs]
Nice.
Yeah, and that works.
It actually works, right?
You find somebody
very good that way.
Well, hey, I found
an impregnator.
Yeah, but not a husband.
No.
Oh.
Well, I know what I want.
I just need to know
what they're really like.
Lisa: what, the boys?
Well, they're
pretty true to form.
I mean, what you see
is what you get.
No, I mean in bed.
Oh.
Well, now this is
getting interesting.
What? what...
Don't look at me.
I've never slept with them.
Jane: please, do we buy this?
Come on. I mean, you know a
bunch of guys for 10 years,
and you don't do it with them?
No, I didn't.
Oh, please, that doesn't
sound very natural,
does it?
No. no.
You're not a lesbo, are you?
No! Jesus!
There's nothing wrong with it.
No!
Well, the only thing I know
is that my brother, Keaton,
he's supposed to, um...
Have a long penis.
I mean, a really,
really long penis.
Really?
Ok, now wait.
Now, remember,
a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Arooo.
So is the bellybutton
like one of those
little Turkey popper things?
Like, when it's done, it "poop"!
Ha ha ha.
It's almost done!
Hey.
Listen, you guys don't want
to take a jacuzzi, do you?
Carla: sure. Yeah.
Well, it's not gonna be
ready for a half-hour.
I mean, you guys still
have to clean up, right?
We're done now.
Yeah.
We just have to get changed.
Ok, I'll, uh...
Tell 'em you're coming.
He's so cute.
I think he's a virgin.
No. are you kidding?
No.
Well, let's get him
to lose the antlers,
and maybe we can
find him someone.
[Laughs]
Ok, I will go to the jacuzzi,
remove the thermometer.
I will look at it.
Then I will say,
"ok, the jacuzzi is ready."
Then you will say,
"ok, everybody strip."
And you think that's gonna work?
I know it's going to work!
Just be sure that Carla is
in the precise position.
They're coming!
What?! uhh!
Oh, shit!
[Laughs] are you all right?
It's only 65 degrees.
They don't have to get
in the jacuzzi.
They just have to get naked.
Hi, guys. Hey.
How's the water?
Water's good. Water's good.
Really? sure.
Are you wearing
a bathing suit, Jon?
You don't have to wear a
bathing suit in the jacuzzi.
Why not?
Well, because you're
supposed to go...
Au naturel.
Jane: yeah, well,
you can count me out.
I can't go in.
I'll just dip my toes.
Carla: so...
Everybody's getting naked?
Yup.
Yup.
Yup.
Ok.
Come here. Come here.
[Whispering] I didn't
agree to this.
Ok, but, uh...
You guys go first.
No offense. Yeah.
Strip.
Ok. no problem.
Strip.
Strip.
Get ready.
Oh, my god! Holy shit!
Lisa: it's fucking gargantuan!
I told you. [Lisa screams]
It's huge! Aah!
Jon: damn it!
[Door closes] Keaton!
What?
You scared 'em away!
It was your idea, Jon.
[All laughing]
Lisa: I was never so
frightened in my entire life.
That would give any women
second thoughts, huh?
Jesus!
What would you
even do with that?
Don't ask me. I'm his sister.
Oh, are you ok?
No, it's just the baby kicked.
Can I feel?
Yeah, sure. Here. Come here.
Jane: ah, you feel that?
Carla: no. Here.
Wait.
God, I can't hear it, either.
Her. It's a she.
Oh, you had an amnio?
No.
There's no wienie
on the ultrasound.
Oh, all right!
Carla: yeah, and with those
penises in your family,
you'd definitely see it.
You'd probably just give
birth to one large penis.
There wouldn't be much room
in there for anything else.
Lisa: definitely.
It would be the whole baby.
Just a penis.
Oh, yeah! [Laughs]
Do not fear, gentlemen.
Victory is not lost.
Oh, will you quit?
What we need is
a really good plan "b."
Fuck plan "b."
Ok, odd man gets the cot.
Even man bunks up.
There's one for you.
One for you. On 3.
1, 2, 3, flip.
Heads. heads.
Tails! ha ha!
Shit.
You should know, Jon,
that I like to sleep...
Au naturel.
[David laughs]
Jon: jerk.
[Sighs]
Can't believe
my sister's pregnant.
Oh, uncle Keaton.
You know, Keaton,
I've been wondering,
if I have sex
with a pregnant woman,
is that child abuse?
That depends on the size
of your penis, Jon.
You should be all right.
Hmm, exactly.
Mm-hmm.
[Sniffs]
You know, Jane...
Mm-hmm?
I've been meaning
to ask you a question.
Shoot.
When you're...
You know...
Pregnant?
Right.
Can you still...
You know?
Have sex?
Exactly.
Well, you can, but, um...
I prefer to just give
a really good blow job.
Night.
[Door creaking]
[Whispering] Carla.
What?
Are you sleeping?
[Chuckles] do I sound asleep?
I need a place to sleep.
You have a place to sleep.
What? uhh!
Carla!
Jon, blow this.
Stop it!
Attack!
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
Ian?
[Knocks on door]
Ian?
[Knocks]
Ian?
Ian...
I'm so glad you made it.
[Drowsy] huh? I'm sleeping.
We'll talk in the morning.
Ok.
Ian...
I just want you to know
how delighted I am
that you've come.
Ok, look, I... I have
something to say to you,
and if you will just let me
say it without interrupting,
I think I can get through it.
I realized when
I didn't hear from you
after your mother died...
Well, I tried to think back
to when it was
that we last talked,
and I realized that we...
Well, that your mother
always talked for us,
and that we...
We never really talked.
I realize I was working,
but, see, when you own
your own business, you...
You get caught up in
the day-to-day operations,
and you just... you start
putting other things second.
See, my generation
thought that working
was the best way to take care
of our families.
I've thought about that.
Then I look at
that photograph of you
that I always keep
on my desk, and...
It's 20 years old, and I just...
I just... I don't know,
how did I not notice
the time slip by?
So what I would
like to do if I can
is I would like to try to
make it up to you somehow,
or... or we can just start again.
'Cause you're my son,
and I'm your father.
I mean, if... if...
If you want to.
So that's what
I wanted to tell you...
That I love you.
Oh, my son. My beautiful son.
What... Jon! whoa!
Why did you let me
go on and on like that?
I just... and just
make a fool out of myself?
Mr. wickham, please,
you didn't make a fool
out of yourself.
Look, I'm sorry...
But that's
the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard anyone ever say.
Oh, Jon. Please, just...
Jon: Mr. wickham?
Look, I'm very sorry,
but when Ian didn't show up,
I didn't think that
anybody would mind if I...
If I slept there.
Well, it's time to get
up anyway, isn't it?
You'll want to get
an early start back.
[Sighs]
Ian? oh ho ho!
Oh, great, here you are
on the goddamn couch!
Ah!
What the hell was I thinking?
Ian, buddy!
Let me tell you,
your dad is great!
I'm leaving.
Ian?
Keaton: Jon, where's he going?
Oh, he's leaving.
David: oh, no, he's not!
Oh, shit! He's leaving!
Ian!
Ian, come back here!
Hey! breakfast!
Everybody up!
I broke the pan.
I'm cooking something else.
Richard: come on! Everybody up!
Oh, shit. He's cooking again.
Ian, where are you going?
Oh, a little place
called "not here."
Ian?
What?!
Would you please ask this woman
to stop harassing me?
Ok, I know my way
around a kitchen.
No, no, just...
And clean up and
have some breakfast
before you take off for
the slopes, all right?
Ok, look, I know...
Fuck!
Come on.
You'll thank us later.
Where... where are you, dad?!
Richard: in the kitchen.
Well, look at you. [Chuckles]
You've never been
more beautiful.
You're a prince among men.
Richard: Ian!
Just let me... please.
We have to talk.
This passive-aggressive shit...
Ian, your father is gonna cook.
[Scoffs] like he can cook.
Excuse me, have you
seen the carnage?
What? I'll buy a new one.
I don't know... what
is the big deal?
Somebody could have lost an eye.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Do you want to talk? Ian...
I thought I would make you
something nice for breakfast.
Breakfast.
May I?
I want to just... whatever.
Hi. hey.
You know, uh...
[Clears throat]
We don't really have
time for breakfast, ok?
Yeah.
Lift lines are gonna be
3 hours long as it is,
so why don't we just go skiing?
We came to ski, and we'll, uh...
We can always talk later.
Lot to talk.
Let's get out of the kitchen,
and we'll go skiing.
Ok, we'll leave that.
Oh, my god.
Hans: good morning, group.
What a very lucky and special
group of people you are,
because you will be
learning to ski
from hans. That is me.
What, you know him?
Sort of.
Hans: I've been skiing since I
was knee-high to a grasshopper.
Now, I'm going to tell you
right off the bat
that I'm going
to teach you to ski
the way what I learned
how to ski myself,
what is the best way
in the world.
There are only 2 rules.
One is never leave the group,
and rule number 2 is
do exactly what I say
at all times when I say it.
Should I ask you
to skewer yourself
with your ski pole
in the genitals, you must.
It could save your life
later on at some point.
Should I even ask you perhaps,
no reason, out of left field,
to just take a little bite
of a snowball, you must.
It could save your life.
It is you. Carla: Yup.
Ca... car...
Carla. Carla.
Carla! I'm working with Carla!
Everyone else,
do not leave the group!
Do exactly what I say
when I say it at all times!
I'm going to give you
a private lesson.
Ok.
Do you know the expression
the bigger they are,
the harder they fall?
Ja. ja.
So, ok, give up to me
the tip of your pole.
Ja!
Everyone may now look.
You see Carla has fallen.
I now give her what is
known as a pole-up.
Oof!
That is...
Hmm?
Mein gott.
You are the goods.
Everyone can stop relaxing!
We have one natural
in the group!
The rest of you are probably
not even worth mentioning,
but we will continue anyway.
Watch me, 'cause
I'm king of the hill
Set me in motion,
yeah, you give me a thrill
When you come near me,
when you come near me
I can't keep still
till then,
I can't keep still
No, I just can't keep still
Be my baby, say you will...
Well, you're good,
Mr. wickham, damn good.
Richard. call me Richard, ok?
Now, where's Ian?
Oh, he's coming.
Is he all right?
He's fine. He's fine.
Well, then, shall we?
Don't you guys want
to wait for Ian?
Nah, let's go.
The heck with Ian.
Here we go.
See you below!
Losers.
Watch me coming in
for the kill
Gotta kiss those lips,
gotta have my fill
Make me shiver
feel those chills
do me till
I can't keep still...
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Ian? are you all right?
[Weak] I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel my legs.
I think I broke my back.
Oh, my god. Don't move.
Don't... move!
[Gasping] god. oh, god!
Oh, I see the light.
I see the light.
I see the light...
Medic! medic!
How's my face? How's my face?
I've always wanted
an open casket, seriously.
Oh, god! You know what?
I've had it with you
and your father
and this whole shitty weekend!
[Laughs]
Hey. hi!
You look good.
Yeah, I fall down really well.
So, uh, she's gettin'
a private lesson, huh?
Yeah, I fell in love
with a teacher once.
Yeah, and not since?
It's been a while.
Thank you. Ugh.
Ugh.
You all right?
So, uh...
There's some truth to the rumor?
Oh, I believe everything I hear.
You're still a virgin?
Excuse me?
Lisa said you're still a virgin.
[Sighs]
Well, you know, I mean, I've...
Kissed and stuff?
[Laughter] yeah.
David.
Look... i know it's silly,
but I really wanted
to wait for someone special.
I just never thought
it would take this long.
[Laughing]
So, wait. You...
You have never done
the dirty deed?
Well, how exactly would you
define that in my case?
Technically a virgin.
Spiritually... a whore.
[Laughs] ugh.
[Sighs]
Deva. do you know what this is?
What's this word? Deva?
Hmm... a singer?
[Laughs]
No. no.
Silly. deva is a ghost
what lives in the forest.
Sure.
It's... well, it's very subtle.
Only a trained eye
can actually see it.
The spirit ghost.
Mm-hmm.
My lord, deva. Right there.
Look there.
Follow the pole.
Follow the pole, you see?
You see the deva there?
What am I looking for?
Well, it's so subtle.
It's a mist.
It is a mist, a cohesion
of the energy of life.
[Sighs]
Mm-hmm.
It's... you can't see it.
I can't see it.
You can't see. It's clear.
It's so clear to me.
This is because...
Well, your chakras are blocked.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, mediation, meditation, is...
It's the only cure.
The penetration of the dirty,
rotten, clouded conscious mind
into the wet, dark,
vile, snapping turtle
of the subconscious. Plunging!
The plunging, plunging, plunging
over and over again,
you like this plunging?
[Giggles] I love
the way you talk.
Yes, well, at last, after all,
you have to find out
the meaning of life.
[Laughs]
Is it really such
a terrible thing
that I wanna mend
this relationship?
You're my son.
What do you want?
Isn't it obvious?
Ok, just... just say...
Say it, ok?
Just lay it out there.
Ok, I'm sorry. I really am.
I'm sorry, this...
This... this has...
This has been a mistake.
I... I see that now.
It's just...
I feel like I'm not
a good father
when you won't even talk to me.
See, I... I want us
to be able to be...
I want us to be speaking.
I wanna be able to...
For heaven's sakes, pick up
the phone and talk to you.
[Laughing]
Not a good father?
Well, you're...
You're not a good father.
You're not really
a father at all.
All right.
Thank you.
I know we have problems, Ian,
but I don't think this...
Where... where... just tell me,
where were you when it mattered?
I was working.
[Scoffs] come on, work.
What, you... you own
your own business.
You can take all
the time off in the world.
That's... that's...
That... that's...
That's true.
Well, what was it?
Is it other women?
Don't be ridiculous, Ian.
Ok. ok, not to hear it from mom.
Your mother never thought that.
I... you never loved me.
All right? You just say that.
You never loved me.
Right?
I mean, it's ok,
'cause, you know,
I've... I've accepted it,
but if you'd say it,
it would make things
a whole lot easier, you know?
You know, but this whole charade
of you, like, you know,
wanting to be superdad
and, like, you know,
uh, summing up your life
and wanting to get a some gold star
fathering is a bunch of bullshit,
Ian. Ian. You know?
You know what? I'm... I'm... I'm
just gonna... I'm gonna go home,
if that's all right with you.
Of course you are.
You really don't have to.
I mean, I can call Jon.
Nooo.
He can come and get me.
No, don't call Jon.
Jon is unnecessary.
Ok. ok?
God, I'm so stiff.
I know.
You know, from skiing.
I didn't think it'd be...
Well, it's partially
spiritual, partially physical,
partially... allow me.
Oh.
[Chuckles]
I'm the kind of girl you marry.
Yes. yes.
I can respect this. No, I...
Get off me now.
Wha... well... I... komplick.
Do you know what this means?
Komplick?
Yes, komplick. no.
It means... it means the
person that you fall deeply,
passionately, wildly in love...
This is the first sighting.
Hmm.
Carla, this is what
has happened to me,
komplick with you. I am in
love with you. Komplick.
Oh, really? I swear.
Ok, well, maybe we could kiss.
Did you say komplick?
Yes, komplick.
Can you say komplick?
Yeah, certainly.
Oh! oh!
[Moaning]
[Horn honks]
Here I am
stuck in the middle,
don't you know
Here I am...
Jane: now. David: Just stop.
Stuck in the middle...
No!
I thought we were gonna talk.
We can talk. The two of us.
Great. you two talk.
No. you're not
leaving this table
until you make up your mind.
Keaton, help me.
I am not gonna
let you ruin your life.
All you have to do is look
around the room and pick.
Pick what?
Anybody.
Pardon me if I chalk it up
to the hormonal psychosis
of the bun in your oven.
Hey! one day, you are
gonna wake up old,
and you're gonna
stare in the mirror
at a wrinkled, little face,
and you're gonna realize
your whole life is over,
and ya still
haven't got the balls
to walk across a room
and say hello.
First of all,
I've got great genes,
and second of all,
it's my life, right?
Pick. pick.
Keaton.
Pick.
Stuck in the middle
of it all...
The guy
at the refreshment stand.
Which guy?
The tall one
with the gray jacket.
Cool.
Ooh, he's gorgeous.
Now get over there.
Get over there and what?
Could he use
my modus operandi on a guy
like I do on a chick?
A chick?
A woman.
Look, guys,
this is ridiculous. I...
Shut up, David.
What's your m.O.?
Ask a woman something
about herself.
Then I shut up and
let her do the talking.
And that works? Every time.
See, the key here is to act
like you're really listening.
Oh, men are pigs.
And women are?
Pig lovers.
Now get over there,
ask him something,
shut up, and pretend
you're listening.
You think you can handle that?
What am I gonna ask him?
Ask him if he lifts.
Guys love that shit,
especially if they don't.
What's the worst thing
that can happen?
Um, he has 10 friends, and
they beat the shit outta me.
Uh, good point.
Thank you.
So we done with this?
No.
The maccarthys are here for you,
so get over there.
Go.
Go!
[Sighs]
I don't like the maccarthys.
If that you would
look my way
That would really
make my day
'Cause I'm too shy
yes, I'm too shy
since I saw you
sitting there
Can't do anything but stare
'Cause I'm too shy...
Excuse me.
Yes, I'm too shy
so I've got to get my...
He's not interested.
Yes, he is.
No, I'm not going.
Come on.
Come on, you're gonna lose him.
When I'm standin' there
do you, baby...
Where's he going?
He's leaving. Accept it. I have.
No, hurry.
Oh, good Christ,
he's going into the men's room.
Perfect. perfect.
Go. perfect. perfect?
Wait a minute.
You want me to go into
a public men's room
and say to a guy I've
never met, "do you lift?"
Oh, ok. How 'bout nice jacket?
Take a peek at his package.
He'll get the idea. Yeah.
Then what, blow him
in one of the stalls?
Yeah, that's a start.
I hate you.
Now what?
Wait till he finishes
and, um, get him at the sinks.
You, uh, play chess?
I'm totally addicted, dude.
Yeah, me, too.
Although I don't get much
of a chance to play these days.
Can't find good competition.
Oh, really? You're that good?
Oh, I decimate the computer.
Me, too.
Really?
Well, listen, uh,
some friends and I
are staying at a chalet,
and they, uh, happen
to have a chessboard.
Wherever, whenever, dude.
David.
Manny.
Great.
What about your friend peein'?
David: oh.
Damn it!
Nice drivin', fancy boy.
Fuck you, fella.
Ian: no, fuck you, ok?
Jon: uh-huh.
Ian: oh, great.
Ian, you're not
leaving, are you?
Wait.
Jon: if there's
any damage, mister...
Lisa: Jane, careful of the baby.
What is with
these people? Come on!
Jon: some gratitude
you got there.
Jane: I'm not getting out.
Keaton: Jane...
Wait a second!
British matchbox compared
to my German technology.
Keaton: what did
you do now, Jon?
I'll drop you off
whenever you want.
All right, suit yourself.
You just don't get it,
do you, Ian?
Well, maybe no one's
explaining it right.
It doesn't matter
how anyone explains it.
His coming here
is still a loving act.
Why don't you get that?
You don't know my father.
I don't know your dad,
but I do know that
fathering a child is one thing
and being a father,
that's another.
He's reaching out to you.
You don't know
how lucky you are.
[Scoffs] lucky?
[Scoffs] ok.
I know it seems like he cares,
but the guy was never there.
[Chuckles]
Even if he does mean it,
what difference does it make?
It's too late.
Oh, well...
Hold on to that. That's good.
[Laughs]
What do you mean?
Oh, 'cause you're...
You're really teachin' him
a lesson, aren't ya?
God, Ian, you're fuckin' up.
[Sighs]
My life.
My fuckup.
Yeah.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello?
Richard, my flight's
been delayed.
Oh. oh.
Ok, well, uh, let me know
what time you're coming,
and I'll come and pick you up.
No, no, no. Honey, I think
I'm just gonna rent a car.
There's no telling
what time I'd get in
until this damn plane takes off.
Are you ok? You
sound, I don't know...
No, it's...
It's nothing. I'm just...
Trying to keep up with the kids.
You told him. He took it badly.
[Sighs]
He's so angry.
He's very, very, very angry.
God, he hates the whole idea?
No, no. I... I didn't...
I didn't tell him.
Richard, you had better
tell him before I get there.
Please, honey, you promised.
I just don't want us
to ambush him, ok?
Ok?
[Sighs]
I'll tell him when he gets back.
Ok, please.
And I love you.
[Kiss]
Jon: slowly, Keaton!
David: yep. Whoa.
Manny: great.
David: whoa.
Hey. we need to talk.
Ok.
Let's talk.
Alone? yeah.
Ok.
David: see ya later
at the house!
I need to tell you something...
Something I've never
told anyone.
Go on.
I had this parakeet
named gertie.
What color?
Blue. why?
Just checking.
Did you really have a parakeet?
Keaton, I'm trying
to trust you with something
that means a lot to me.
Do you wanna hear this or not?
I do. I do. I'm sorry.
Ok. anyway,
I had this blue parakeet...
[Laughs] named gertie,
and my dad told me
that caged birds can't fly.
I mean, he said even if you
leave the cage door open,
they won't fly away.
They'll just...
Just stay there
in the safety of their cage.
Do you understand?
Yeah.
I loved gertie.
But you loved your father more.
What's that supposed to mean?
You opened the door.
Oh, god, Keaton,
it was so awful.
And?
And what?
And you opened the door and...
And she flew out the window
and down the street
and right into
the windshield of a bus.
I mean, it happened,
like, 2 seconds...
It was awful.
[Laughs]
[Scoffs] you laugh?
You know, my father laughed.
Oh, come on, Lisa.
What did you expect?
I wanted her to go free.
No, no, no. That's...
That's what you wanted.
What'd you expect?
I expected her
to stay in the cage
like a good bird,
like he told me she would.
I'll... I'll just assume
that whatever it was
that you wanted to tell
me out here in private
was in that story somewhere.
[Sighs]
Oh, fuck it.
Jane: thank you.
For what?
Ugh. I was so hungry.
My pleasure.
[Laughs]
I wanna thank you.
For what?
Well, for everything, really.
Whoa, wow.
Well, uh, this is...
This is weird.
Ahem.
That's not right. You're my...
You're my best friend's
little sister.
It's not... that's...
It's too weird. It's not right.
Mo... mo... mo... mo...
Tel?
Motel? mm-hmm.
Motel. sounds good.
Motel.
No vacancies.
You know, it's Christmas Eve.
No room at the inn.
Um... is there
anyplace else around here?
I could check.
Great.
You know I've got
every hotel and motel
in the whole country right
here in this computer.
Right on.
Um, which way you headed?
East.
East.
[Computer beeps]
Nothing. nothing between
here and the coast.
Shit.
[Moaning]
Who's that?
[Doorbell rings]
And that will be... Ian.
Oh.
Is... is Ian with you?
It's that fuckin' guy!
Come on in.
You must be freezing.
Yes, cold us.
Yes, hello.
We brought the mistletoe.
Who's next?
I can't take this anymore.
I've had it.
Ok, the champagne is this way.
Oh, ho, ho, dear. Come on.
Would you like some champagne?
Oh, thank you.
Good. you're welcome.
Hans: I play piano
just a little bit,
but I'm singularly
inside my spirit guides,
which are coming
into my body right now.
They're saying there's a song.
Uh-huh.
Let me check.
Yes, a song is here,
and it's called Carla.
[Playing piano]
Hans: a boy like me...
Are you all right?
I'm beginning to think
it's not the women.
That's impossible.
Who if not them?
My gun's for hire,
my horse enjoys a ride
Me.
Seek my vote
sleazy downtown girl
this fraulein Carla's
Got my head in a whirl,
my heart in a whirl, too
My universe in a whirl now
I know I gotta
hear her in everything...
[Stops playing]
Oh, thank you.
That was wonderful.
Yes, but now the song's
over, the libido's up,
so come on. May I
steal you away?
Ok.
Grab the champagne.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks.
So... are you guys, you know...
I don't know.
I haven't asked him yet.
What do you mean you
haven't asked him yet?
[Chuckles]
Ask him to hang
the mistletoe with you.
Hmm? the rest is automatic.
Manny, you wanna go outside
and help me hang the mistletoe?
Seein' as you're
tall and everything.
Sure.
Where are you going?
I am going upstairs
to tell that evil
two-timing ViXen
and her ski instructor
hans boyfriend
that I got firsts.
Be careful, dude.
I got it.
Yeah, that's cool.
There.
Yep, there it is.
Are you a single gay man?
No, I'm not.
I'm sorry.
Sorry?
What, that's it?
I'm supposed to just split now?
No, I just kinda
figured you'd want to.
Well, you figured wrong.
Ok.
Let's go play
some chess. Come on.
You know, to tell you the truth,
I don't know what I would've
done if you had said yes.
[Laughs] yeah, well,
neither do I.
So I was... I caught an
edge, and I fell down,
and this guy helped me,
so I thought...
David: we're friends.
Is everybody
all right with that?
Great! great!
So I got up, and he
gave me back my poles.
I'm cold.
He kicked me.
[Laughs] she.
She.
I remember when I first
fell in love with you.
I had no idea what to say.
I spent 2 hours trying to
come up with an opening line
with one of my busboys
tito morales.
Next thing I knew,
he was using my line on you,
and I spent the summer
bussing his tables.
Does that sound familiar?
Yeah. he was cute.
[Laughs]
Ow.
Sorry. sorry.
I'm sorry. Ah, look at me.
I can't do it in a car,
and I don't want to.
This is our first time.
I want it to be special.
It should be special. Yeah.
I'll make it special.
It'll be special.
Oh, Ian... Ian, I'm serious.
What?
Come on.
Let's go back.
Back there? You gotta be crazy.
No way.
Come on, Ian.
It's 375 hours to your house,
and your dad's place
is just around the corner.
No.
It's final.
Oh, come on.
[Sighs]
Kiss?
Candy store's closed.
[Sighs]
Shit.
[Sharp exhale]
Oh, come on.
Jon, this is not a good thing.
Shh.
[Whispering]
or I can't hear anything.
Jon, there's a whole big, bright,
beautiful world out there
beyond the 5 inches
of your penis.
[Whispering] fuck you.
[Whispering] fuck you. Fuck you.
Pssst!
Fuck me.
[Whispering] Keaton! Keaton!
Keaton, Lisa, open this door!
Jon: open this door, damn it!
Come on, guys, open up!
We need to talk about this!
Jon, this is not a good time!
Oh!
[Giggles]
Jon: Keaton, Lisa,
open this door.
[Knocks at door]
Jon, piss off!
You're making
a terrible mistake!
Oh, god, Keaton,
squeeze 'em harder.
[Screams]
[Laughs] yeah.
Yeah, ow!
[Grunts]
[Sighs]
[Deep breathing]
Can I join you guys?
Hans is teaching me
how to meditate.
That's correct, Jon.
I believe the word
is "penetrate," Carla.
Oh.
No, Jon, and in order
for the pene...
Meditation to work,
I must... if you leave,
perhaps we find god.
Come on, Carla, you're not
really going for this crap.
This is the stupidest
come-on I have ever seen,
and I am the king of stupid.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Yes, you can, Jon,
because you are interrupting!
Forget about him.
You just relax.
Keep the eyes closed.
The white light is atop.
Visualize the light come
down the top of the head.
I will deal with the
problem called Jon!
[Deep exhales]
I can't find the white light.
It's too dark in here.
Jon, Jon, if you please.
Everything I do with Carla
is on your behalf.
I cleanse the chakras,
I start with the heart,
I go to the plexus,
I deal with the spleen,
I arrive at the root,
and then she is all yours.
[Sighs]
This guy is offering
me sloppy seconds.
Can't believe that he's
offering me sloppy seconds.
Ah, I could live with that.
Gentlemen...
We're outta here.
Where we goin'?
There's a whole big, bright,
beautiful world out there
beyond the 7 inches of my penis,
and I intend to explore it.
David: really?
Really.
[Car stereo blaring]
Jon, please, just stop.
No, just one more try.
Uh, excuse me, miss? Yes?
Hi. hi.
You ever thought about
doing some modeling?
[Laughs] you're kidding, right?
No, no, no. I'm very serious.
I'm a photographer,
and I thought perhaps
we could get together and...
Shoot some photos.
Mm. well, my rate
is $2,000 a day.
[Laughs]
You can reach me at chic.
[Whispering] ask for Sasha.
Sasha: hey, baby.
Oh, well, I tried.
Now what?
Try again.
Just not tonight.
Let's go.
Ahh, so unfortunate.
My dear, what does these people
do to you all your life?
Oh, sweetheart, I want
it out of you at this point.
Out of here, oh, so bad.
I don't know what to do.
Oh, it's terrible.
We must clean you.
I must clean you, Carla.
I'm going to clean you, Carla.
Ok, see, all the articles of clothing
are restricting the flow of the energy.
I must... yes, in fact, yeah,
there is another
article also. Watch this.
[Exhales]
You must believe.
Yes, intuitively,
you know this is very good.
Oh, yes, we are
working together now.
This is a group effort, ja?
Oh, my god.
I believe you.
Yes, this is nothing
not to believe.
Let me check.
All right, now I am free.
Yes, it's obvious yeah?
All of my spirit
guides have told me
that I am now free to work.
Let me check.
Yeah, I need to take a second.
All right, I have to admit
this place is pretty beautiful.
Yeah, it sure is.
I ever tell ya
you have beautiful eyes?
Well, you can tell me again.
All right,
you have beautiful eyes.
Thank you.
And a beautiful nose
and lips...
And teeth...
And jaw...
And ears.
Oh. ow! Not here.
Hello?
Hello? hello?
Hello?
Oh.
David: look. Ian's here.
Oh, great.
Great.
Oh, my god! Jane! Ian!
Hi. hi.
How you doing, buddy?
Night, guys.
Why is this happening?
What the hell is going on
around here?!
She's pregnant, for god's sakes!
Jon: Ian!
Ian!
Jon: Ian, open the door now.
Daddy.
Keaton's gonna
kick your ass for this!
Good night, Jon!
Oh, come on, Ian.
You guys are
in business together!
[Giggling]
Night, jonny.
[Thud]
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
God, right now. Right now.
Ian? yes, darling?
[Growls]
Keaton!
Keaton, it's Jon.
You might want
to come out here, buddy.
We got a lot going on.
Jon: uh, Keaton? [Knocking]
Got a little
insider trading working
over in the other
bedroom, buddy.
A little pork belly activity,
if you know what I mean.
Think porking and a big belly!
Yes! aah!
Yes!
Ian's fucking your sister,
for god's sakes!
That was the best orgasm
I've ever had.
Carla?
Hans: I've sometimes
been known...
Jon: Carla? [Knocking]
It's Jon.
To suck the white light
right into a person's body.
Ok.
Carla!
Mmm.
I see the light.
You do? Uh-huh.
It's purple.
Well, it soon will be.
One chakra at a time.
Ok.
Ah.
Ok.
[Growls]
Ok. oh!
Yellow...
Yes.
[Growls] red...
[Growls] oh, white light!
Hans, we had a deal!
All right! That's it!
It's my turn!
Hans: goombah, hey!
[New Jersey accent] I have been
workin' this hole for days.
You blow this for me,
I will bust a cap in your ass,
and I will
go have a quiet lunch.
Capisce?
Capisce.
Where are you from?
Jersey, baby.
[German accent]
Carla, I'm soon to be coming.
And then I'll tell you
what you surely know
I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you
I love you
I love you, I love you
I love you
so.
How do you like the cigar?
I like it almost
as much as that song.
Jon...
Let me ask you something,
Richie.
What do you do when you've
tried and tried and...
Tried again?
You let go.
[Begins playing]
[Smack]
Okay. oh, yes.
Come on. That's right.
I'm a bad boy.
Now smack the bad boy.
Smack the bad boy.
[Moaning]
Oh! oh!
Oh!
Marry me, yes?
Consider?
Oh, hans. Oh, darling.
Ok. Carla.
Ok. ok.
We work as a couple.
We're working. This is working.
Smack my ass,
even though I'm done.
Okay.
Oh, scheie. Oh, yes!
So, um, when'd you
figure out you were gay?
Probably the same time you
figured out you were straight.
Thank you.
So, like, um, what do you do?
I told you.
I art-direct computer games.
No, I mean, like with guys.
You mean in bed?
In or out of bed.
Well, uh...
Out of bed, I do pretty much
what we're doing now.
And in bed?
Whatever comes to mind.
No, no, no. I think it's good.
I think it's good, Jon.
I think you have a real
flair for languages.
Just let me hear it again.
[Guttural sounds]
It's... that's not quite it.
Ich liebe dich.
It's very soft.
You're saying, "I love you."
Say it beautifully.
Ich liebe dich.
Richard: that's closer.
Jon: ich liebe dich.
Richard: that's not too good.
It's not so guttural.
Ich liebe dich.
It's very soft.
Ich liebe...
Ok, that's a German with a
cleft palate, but that's ok.
No, you'll be fine. No, no.
Relax. I'm kidding.
Ich liebe dich.
You think it'll work?
If anything will work, this...
You coming back?
We're going.
Ich liebe dich.
Oh!
Oh, thank you
for a wonderful time.
No, thank you.
What's going on?
We're going to get married.
Yes, is it not wonderful?
Richard: all the
luck in the world.
Very well. Jon, auf wiedersehen.
Good night. Gute nacht.
Thanks.
Check.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, Jon.
And mate.
Good game.
But next time, your ass is mine.
Whatever you say.
Fuck you, man.
I'm not down with that.
Take me home.
Why do you have to be
a homo, huh?
I can't help it!
So tell me:
I mean, what's it even
like to kiss a guy?
It's been so long,
I don't remember.
What's it like to kiss a girl?
You don't even know what
it's like to kiss a girl?
Well, I mean...
I...
Kissing a girl is a lot softer.
Yeah, definitely softer.
Wow.
You know,
what you said yesterday,
you really ought to say to Ian.
I'm planning to.
It worked on me.
Yeah.
[Door opens] What is that?
[Closes]
Cold outside.
Very cold.
Definitely.
Can I get you something?
Would you like some coffee?
Uh, no, I'm gonna turn in.
Night.
'Fraid that puts you
on the couch.
[Sobbing outside]
Come on, honey.
[Sobbing continues]
Jane?
Are you... are you ok?
I...
I... I...
There's... it's just I...
Awful?
No.
No, I...
I... I... I feel...
No, it's just...
Lonely? no.
No. no?
No, I... I feel like...
Like I... I just
feel... I feel like...
I... I feel...
So unbelievably wonderful.
What?
I just... I feel like...
Like finally...
The baby?
Yeah. uh-huh.
Ian?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
And, uh...
And you.
Me? yeah.
So unbelievably sexy.
Breakfast!
Oh, my god!
What? what? What?
He's cooking again.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, man.
Whoop! oh!
Carla. heh.
Oh, whoa! Dad, you know what?
You kinda... you gotta pay a little
more attention to the, uh...
To the, uh... the coffee here.
Actually,
with this kind of machine,
it works pretty well
with a filter.
So, uh...
There we go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hot!
Whew! hot. Hot.
Uh...
Actually, you might want
to start over, dad.
Those look a little
too far gone.
Right.
Right.
[Coughs]
So, I'm not doing too bad, am I?
Not too bad.
I've been trying
to tell you something
since you got here,
if you haven't noticed...
Unsuccessfully
for various reasons.
Jon is a very
interesting person.
Yes, he is.
And if you don't want
to listen to me,
believe me, I understand.
Well, you were right.
I missed your childhood.
I missed you growing up.
I... I just...
I didn't pay attention.
But, see, now I...
I wake up in the morning,
and your mother isn't there.
And then I go to the office,
and I look at this business
that I have spent
so much of my life
and so much commitment
and sweat and time
just trying to build it up,
and I look at it.
It doesn't look like much.
I call you.
You don't respond.
You... you don't call me back.
I mean, I just... it's like
I'm talking to a stone.
And I think, well,
see, I don't understand that.
What... what have I done?
What terrible crime
have I committed
that you would treat me
like that?
You see, Ian...
I didn't understand.
I... I didn't.
I didn't understand till now...
How much pain I've caused you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just want you to know
it was not your fault.
You are not to blame.
It was me.
I... I didn't solve my problems.
But I want you to know,
that I love you...
My son.
I...
No, I... I get it, dad.
It's okay.
I get it loud and clear.
[Horn honks]
Oh. yeah.
Oh, god! Ian...
Ian: who the heck is that?
Ian...
That's your secretary?
Yes, it's my secretary.
What's she doing here?
Well, ok, that's something else
that I was going to tell you.
What? Katherine and I
are getting married,
and we would like you
to be our best man.
Katherine: Richard.
Uh...
Richard?
Hi.
I think he's stunned.
Happily, I hope.
Nice to meet you again.
Congratulations.
[Fire alarm beeps]
Oh, no, he's not cooking, is he?
It's actually on fire. Shit!
Richard: oh, my god!
Ian: be careful. Be careful.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
No, just put it in the sink.
Put it in the sink!
Richard: get some water.
We'll douse it...
I know what I'm doing. Please!
I'm gonna...
I know what I'm doing!
Oh, god!
[Laughing]
Richard, I told you not to cook.
I know. I thought I could help.
I guess that means no breakfast?
Yeah, no breakfast. Oh, god.
Ian: it's unbelievable.
Well, this sucks.
This really sucks.
Who's that guy?
Well, you might ask.
[Honks]
Jon: how's hans?
Oh, fuck off.
You ok?
Yes.
You know,
if you weren't such a jerk,
we could have had
a great weekend
getting to know each other,
skiing, taking pictures,
but instead
you treat me like air,
and you force me
in the arms of that...
Maniac from...
From wherever he's from.
New Jersey.
Shut up while I'm talking.
At least he recognizes
a woman has emotional
and spiritual needs
beyond the purely sexual.
You understand me?
Yes.
If you want me
to care about you,
it's going to take
more than a Mercedes
or that worn-out line of yours
about discovering supermodels.
You have to focus
your attention on me
and make it about me.
You got that?
Yes.
Because I'm
the kind of girl you marry.
Ich liebe dich.
How could I know
I'd feel this way?
How could I know
that one fine day
You'd be mine?
I had searched
my whole life through
Just to find
I'd been waitin'
for someone like you
someone like you
someone like you
someone like you
I had some dream,
some fantasy
Of who that someone would be
I've been so blind
up till now I couldn't see
That all this time
you've been standing
right in front of me
Someone for me
someone for me
someone for me
now every day
and every night
I get to be
with one so right
So good for me
I can't believe
that this is true
Now, I can see
that my heart
had been holdin' out for you
Someone like you
someone like you
someone like you
someone like you
someone like you
someone like me
someone like you
yeah.
Why does it always
have to be about sex?!