Oh, I love your helmet!
I love your cleats!
Ooh, and I love your padding.
That's not padding.
Hey Janie, how about me, I scored once.
I doubt that very much.
Ow, oh, ow, hey, hey hey hey.
Take it easy, easy on
the old crotch there.
One touchdown, one touchdown!
That's all it takes, one lousy touchdown.
Okay, let's get our
fannies in the showers, guys.
Finally got a chance
to beat Simpson High
for the first time in history the school
all because we got Tony!
Yeah, that's right!
Hey fellas, who wants a nice massage?
Here comes old grab-ass again.
Yeah, let's quit it.
Hey uh, hey guys, uh.
Hey Tone, nice game today.
Thank you, oops.
Well uh, almost all used up anyway, sir.
Jeepers, they all run out of here
like I had the plague or something.
Hey.
Tony!
Hi there, Mr. Walker!
God bless America.
Tony, Tony.
You're going with your father?
Tony, that's no fun.
Tony, you're a strange boy.
Hi Janie, how about a ride?
Hey, maybe we can!
I know son it hasn't been easy
growing up deprived of some of the things
that other young boys have.
Like what, Dad?
Well, like a mother.
Didn't you notice?
I mean you do remember Mom, don't you?
Oh yeah, she was that nice lady
that used to take me to the
beach and the playground
when I was real little.
No, that was the maid.
Oh, oh, I remember Mom now.
I came into your room
once without knocking
and you were both in bed together.
You screamed at me to get out.
That was the maid.
Oh, whatever happened to that maid, Dad?
Oh, she ran off with my
handkerchiefs and my ties.
I haven't heard from her since.
Whatever happened to Mom?
She ran off with my bank
account and my stock portfolio,
and I haven't heard from her since.
But I'm about to make it up to you, son.
Well Dad it's not as if we
never did anything together.
I mean you let me help you
build your bomb shelter and everything.
Yeah, and they all laughed
at us, didn't they, huh?
But when those Russian
missiles start pouring in,
we'll be the only ones
in town still alive.
Oh, that'll be great.
Chipped beef is good tonight, isn't it?
Oh it's the best it's been this week.
You know it's a good thing
the Central Intelligence
Agency selected me
to represent their interests
in this Romanian caper.
Real spy stuff?
Shh.
No, we're just picking up some microfilm,
and you know you'll
provide the perfect cover.
Father and son visiting
Romania, tourists, it's perfect.
Yeah, but Dad I have
the big game coming up.
Ah, I don't worry about the big game.
You'll be back in plenty of time for that,
and you'll come back a
hero to your teammates,
but if you wanna let me
and your country down
and back out now, um,
of course no one will
think any less of you.
Oh no Dad, I'm anxious to go, really.
Romania, it's quite a country.
Steep behind the Iron Curtain.
It's steeped in the
superstition of the dark ages.
A country warped by ignorance and fear.
You'll enjoy it.
My home is America.
It's a wonderful country, you'd love it.
It's the bastion of democracy and freedom.
As a matter of fact,
you two lovely ladies, in America,
would be free to walk
the streets at night,
and you certainly would.
Oh, my friend Tony, uh.
Hi.
Back from the museum early?
Did it close?
No, the museum is still open,
but there's only so much oldness
a guy can take in one day, you know.
I was just explaining
the Monroe Doctrine
to these two nurses.
Oh, huh, huh.
Well, there's a couple of dungeons in town
I haven't covered yet.
Good, this could be a long talk.
Oh, okay.
Well, I guess I sleep in
the lobby again tonight.
All right now, my lovelies,
let's find out what communist
infiltration is all about.
Please.
Can I read your hand?
Do you do this for a living?
No, here behind the Iron
Curtain most books are forbidden,
so we read each other's hands.
Last week I waded through 14 hands.
One I couldn't put down
till I finished it,
especially the dirty parts.
I'm sorry, I washed this morning.
Do you read bumps on the head as well?
Lithuanians are into bumps.
We are Romanian, we do hands.
Ah, well uh, be my guest, get engrossed.
Mm hmm.
That's an interesting hand.
Let's see the next one.
Mm hmm,, shit!
What do you see?
Oh, shit.
Well, wait a minute, how does
that translate into English?
Have I got a short lifeline or what?
You will live forever.
Hey now, come on folks.
Let's not get carried away here, huh?
You
will always remain young,
never to age.
Does that mean I will never
be able to order a drink?
You carry the curse of the pentagram.
I've always wanted
to go to the Pentagon.
Pentagram stupid.
Oh, oh, what shape is that?
The mark of the wolf.
When the moon is full,
don't make any important appointments.
You will be busy.
Now listen, I am not one of those types
to believe in things like, you know,
vampires and werewolves and virgins.
I've never seen any of those.
You will, you came to the right country.
Now you are doomed to wander
the four corners of the earth
until you get sick of packing.
Then in time you will return to your home
to fulfill your destiny.
What destiny is that?
I'm sorry, you're out of palm.
So, goodbye and goodnight and tough titty.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, come back here!
Aren't you gonna tell me the rest?
You only gave me the excerpts.
Uh, excuse me, I'm looking
to get back to Main Street.
I'm a stranger, uh.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me.
You wouldn't happen to speak
any English, would you?
I seem to have uh.
Excuse me, uh, do you speak English?
I'm looking for the
Museum of Mental Illness.
You don't happen to know
where that would, uh.
I should've brought breadcrumbs.
Hello, uh, is anybody home?
Look I'm lost and I need help.
I'm an American.
Thanks a lot.
I'll give my father the message.
Hello, uh, listen uh, I'm in trouble uh,
I'm lost and uh, I'm a Canadian.
Hello, nothing.
Maybe this is the Museum
of Mental Illness, oh.
Hello, hello, listen I
can hear you in there.
Please somebody's got to help me.
Oh, oh, what is that?
That frothing at the mouth stuff there.
Hey, hey, hey, is anybody
here with this dog?
I mean, don't dogs have masters here?
Only musical accompanists?
Oh, holy shit.
The call of the wild.
I got a B+ on that report.
I'm very big on wolves, very, very big.
Nice wolf, nice wolf.
I'm sorry I called you a dog before.
Okay, all right, pee on me and
let's call it a night, okay?
Ruin a pair of shoes, but
leave the throat alone.
Hey, hey, hey!
Oh, please, please, somebody help!
No biting!
All right, okay, all right.
Take a hand or a finger,
but leave the throat alone.
I only have one of those!
Ow, come on, oh please!
It's funny, Mom, my
neck feels kind of good.
Hey, come back here!
Aren't you gonna bury me?
I mean, even a bone gets buried.
Hey, hey, hey!
Let's face it, you're dead.
Killed by a wolf, a mad wolf.
It could happen to anybody.
Over here it's like getting run over.
Nothing.
By all rights you should be a dead man,
or at least have rabies.
Ouch, what am I doing?
Wait till Oral Roberts hears about this.
Oh, it's you.
I thought it was the Secret Police.
They're after my microfilm.
I hid everything.
Where?
I can't tell ya, don't ask.
We're taking the next
plane out of this hellhole.
Dad uh, the strangest
thing happened to me.
Did you have a good time?
Did you get laid?
I hope not.
Come on, let's pack.
Ooh ah, ooh ah, ooh ah.
Will the person that
ordered this special meal
please raise his hand.
Over here, over here.
Oh, that airline food.
Okay folks, this is a hijacking.
Wake up, wake up!
We're going to die, we're going to die!
We're taking this plane to Cuba!
Ah, more goddamn commies?
They're coming out of the woodwork.
We'll tie up everybody and
blindfold them on this plane.
Tony, I'm worried about my son, Tony.
This is a fine time to go to the John.
Keep that mutt quiet!
All right, we'll get the blindfolds.
Can anybody see me?
Speak up, I can't hear you.
No!
All right, that's good.
You dope, you forgot to tie 'em up.
They don't need to be tied up.
I got 'em tied right here.
Oh, oh, I'm so scared.
Don't let go.
I can tell you're frightened too.
But you've got such strong hands.
That's why I like to
fly on American planes.
They don't allow dogs on
the planes or chickens.
Oh God, can you imagine
flying with a chicken.
You know.
Oh, you're wearing fur coat too.
You know, I think that's
just so masculine.
Ooh, got a hangnail there.
Better be careful.
There ain't nothing back there.
What's the matter with you?
Look, I can see, I can see.
What the hell is it?
Cover me.
What is that?
Keep away from it, man.
Ooh,
ooh, simmer down, ooh, ow.
It's okay, folks.
Oh, for goodness sake,
Tone, what's going on?
You're on cloud nine or something.
Stop being a playboy and
settle on the business.
I'm sorry, sir, I keep
hearing this violin music.
Violins, it's usually
bells, isn't it guys?
Bagpipes.
All right, let's stop
monkeying around guys.
Tony let's try that thing
where you throw the ball.
Oh no, not again.
Yeah, yeah, I know,
Tony.
Tell me how you feel.
Hey, why don't you talk to me?
What am I speaking in a Romanian accent?
Should I come back after dark?
Good boy.
Oh, no.
Offside, I got you cornered now.
No no no, Janie.
Jane, can I call you later, please?
No, you certainly can not.
You've been back from
Europe one whole week,
and you haven't phoned me one time.
Is it over between us, Tony?
How did I screw up?
You didn't screw up, I screwed up.
Look, I don't even know who I am anymore.
Get off of me.
What's with the sudden
identity crisis is
just from one week in Romania?
What got into you?
Look I got some dreaded disease
only whispered about
in the dark ages, okay?
Is that all?
A little penicillin, take
care of it just like that.
No no no.
It can't be that severe.
I mean, you're running better than ever.
Yeah, well you should see me fetch.
Fetch me, Tony, fetch me, huh.
What about Friday night?
No, no nights, no nights.
Not this time of month, okay?
What do you mean?
Only girls have to worry
about their time of month.
Oh, oh, Janie, I want out of here.
Now, leave me alone.
I gotcha, I gotcha.
Will you come on.
Will you grow up?
Come on, this is silly.
God, what a drag.
God, this is worse than a root canal.
Oh, I should've taken an aspirin, ouch.
Oh god, what a bummer.
I can't go on like this.
Never again, I'll never do it again.
Can we knock that off?
Can we hold down that visiting?
Now, this is a time in your lives
when your bodies are
undergoing great change.
We shouldn't be ashamed of our bodies.
Are you ashamed
of your body, teach?
Who said that?
Who said that?
Take cover!
Well, all right, that's better.
That's very good, that's excellent class.
In case of an attack of an atomic bomb
this class would darn well survive.
Tony, psst.
Psst, Tony.
Jane, please get away from me?
Come on, sex education class.
I wanna see one of those
squiggly things now.
I don't have any on me.
I find that hard to believe.
Listen, are you gonna
take me to the sock hop?
I'm gonna die if you don't.
You're gonna die if I do.
When you get under that desk
there's plenty of good solid wood
between you and that atomic bomb.
What's wrong with me?
Nothing, I'll take you to the sock hop.
I'll take you any place.
You're not Tony.
You got gum in your hair, yuck.
Oh, it's all right, it's my gum.
Besides, you'll be proud
to go anywhere with me
after I catch this
werewolf single-handedly.
I got this theory.
I think he's maybe somebody
that goes to this school.
I think maybe he's the kind of
guy that likes horror movies.
I think.
What're you doing
under there, Stanfield?
Your head goes between your own legs.
Stanfield?
That's the all clear.
Everybody up, up up, up up, up up.
Fido, come on boy.
Oh, here you are.
Okay pal, here it is, real
meat and meat byproducts.
A perfectly balanced dish.
Okay, dig right into that.
There you go.
Okay, good dog.
Werewolf or a real wolf.
Let one come around here.
Are you listening to me?
Uh, the dog's still hungry, Dad.
The last thing that dog
needs is food, he's too fat.
He oughta get some exercise.
Now, put that down and go
upstairs and do your homework.
You know, your grades are
slipping again this year?
I think your brains getting wooly,
and the way you're wolfing your food down.
What ever happened to your table manners?
No son of mine has ever done.
Don't leave the room
when I'm talking to you.
Not now.
Don't walk out when
I'm ordering you around.
Do you realize you just
growled at your father?
Insubordination, that's
how it was in the Army.
As soon as a man started growling,
we knew that discipline had broken down.
All right, son, we're
gonna have a little talk.
Staying out all night.
Watching too much
television, filthy language.
That's all right, but growling.
I will not tolerate
growling in this house.
Now, don't bear your teeth at me son.
I snarl when I smile.
That was no smile.
I've been grimaced by the
best men in the business
in 25 years of military service.
I know the difference between
a smile and a grimace,
and that was a grimace.
Dad, I had a very rough day
at football practice, all right?
Oh, excuse me.
How do you expect to throw a football
with fingernails long like that,
and that beard,
did you shave this morning?
That's the worst case of five
o'clock shadow I've ever seen.
Straighten up and go to your room.
Oh, this is your room.
All right then, I'll go to my room.
Now son, you're gonna have a
full physical in the morning.
I'm telling you,
somebody's ass at that
school is gonna be sued.
Son, don't look now.
No no, hold it, oh my God!
He's trying to kill me.
You feed them, they grow up and now look.
Ingrate, bum, wolf, wolf!
Keep away from me!
I'm your father, you creep!
What's happened to you?
Empty, conspiracy!
He'll never get me in the bomb shelter!
Oh, the bomb shelter.
I'm safe, ammunition.
They got me Joe.
The commies turned my son into a wolf.
I don't know how they did it.
Might've been something in the water.
Fluoride, they say fluoride's
good for your teeth.
Did you get a load of his teeth?
I heard about being long in the tooth,
but that's just too long.
Ah Joe, why didn't they listen to you
back then when they had a chance?
I think 50 would be appropriate.
No no no, not now, after.
A small envelope, all right?
Okay, Father.
We are here to bid farewell
to this, to this dead person.
Not yet!
Somebody will please remove the hawk,
or blackbird from the coffin, please,
and please hold all further gunplay
until the conclusion of this benediction.
Who's got earplugs, madam?
Thank you, that's very kind of you.
Thank you very much, madam.
You're leaving town, aren't you?
Now, where was I?
How could you tell?
I don't know.
I just kinda had a funny feeling
ever since you got back
from the European trip.
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me, sir?
Boy, you a high school dropout, huh.
Nobody would never
believe this would happen.
All right, all right,
so I let everybody down.
You're damn right, you did.
Boy, I'd like to.
Go ahead, go ahead, rap me in the teeth
right in the middle of
my father's funeral.
I deserve it, come on.
I guess it would be in bad taste.
Will you, will you boys,
please, please shut up
until I finish this dedication.
Now, where was I?
Where did I start.
I've got to start over again.
Oh sugar, I can't hear a thing.
Dearly beloved and
others, we are gathered.
Oh, oh, amen.
Hey!
Ah, Tony!
Jane, Jane, get outta here!
Tony!
What're you nuts?
Get off of the bus, lady!
I'll change my seat.
Tony, don't leave me, don't leave me.
You're gonna kill yourself.
Listen, you didn't pay a fare!
These people paid!
Get off my bus, Miss!
You're acting crazy now.
I'm gonna smack you!
Tony, Tony, Tony wait.
Aren't you gonna feel guilty, Tony!
What do I care?
You'll be back.
You'll be back for more.
It's okay now.
Say it's gonna be a
full moon again, isn't it?
Oh, you sound lonesome.
Are you leaving home for the first time?
Yeah.
That sure is some
pushy dame, over there.
Hanging on the bus and everything.
Well, she can't help
being crazy about me.
Oh, I can understand
it, you are attractive.
Listen uh, you wanna
sit up here next to me?
I'll let you steer.
No, thank you.
Say, you don't happen to
know Coach Cleveland, do you?
Would you stop it.
Now look, it says right in the regulation,
no touching, talking to, and
or annoying the bus driver
while the bus is in motion.
Says it right in the regulations.
What kind of passengers do I get.
First she hangs on the bus.
Now this nut.
I don't understand it.
I'm not going to tell you again.
Attention, attention passengers.
This is your bus driver speaking, help!
Oh geez, ah!
Where'd he bite you?
I mean who would believe this?
Who would believe it?
Look at this right over here.
A wolf bites me on a Greyhound
and he runs off and steals my bus.
A little fuzzy son of a bitch.
I don't believe, $86,000,
I gotta come up with.
Look at this, he bit him on the ass.
I carry the sign of the pentagram.
I will remain young, never to age.
I am doomed to wander the earth
until I get sick of packing,
then I will return home
to fulfill my destiny.
Did I leave anything out?
Beat Simpson, there's still time.
Excuse me.
Did you see that?
Get a load of that guy.
Unbelievable, that man out
there is the spitting image
of a youngster I had on the football team
almost 20 years ago.
I'm not absolutely sure I had him.
As a matter of fact,
I'm thinking about it.
Did I come at a bad time?
It's always a bad time.
I don't think my class likes me at all.
Well, we mustn't be
frightened of our students.
I try to explain to my pupils
that flogging is not
permitted in schools today,
but they keep right on hitting me.
20 years, where's my youth gone?
Now, I've been uh,
I've been looking at your
record here, Miss uh.
Montgomery.
Montgomery, and uh,
it appears you've been in six schools
in the last four years,
and you've been sexually assaulted
in each and every one of them.
Well, yes.
And the last school
was an all girls school.
Well.
An elementary all girls school.
A handicapped elementary all girls school.
They began busing in
some very hostile girls.
Uh huh, well, you are
in high school now, Missy.
With students who are mature
enough to be threatened,
so you just look them straight in the eye,
and you bend them to your iron will.
Couldn't we search the
children before each class?
Take away their knives and razors?
We are installing a
metal detector next term.
Until then we're going to
have to make do, aren't we?
Who is looking after your class?
Go, go, go.
What is that, beer?
Is that an alcoholic beverage?
Go ahead and explain that to your mother.
Leave him alone, leave him alone!
Oh, you swine!
Kiss me, mm, mm, mm.
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Get the aid here.
You remember, huh, come on.
What's that smell?
Ooh.
Well, hello.
You're new here.
I bet you aren't even armed yet.
Oh no, I'm just here
to register for classes.
See, my father used to go to this school.
Tony Walker Sr.
You don't mean that
spooky old Walker house
out on Sycamore Road?
Mm hmm, see uh, my father dropped out.
He never graduated.
He never got a chance
to play in the big game.
And you came back to
do all that for him.
Well, be careful.
Between the two of us,
don't bring any valuables to school,
such as books or papers or lunch.
I certainly hope I'm
in one of your classes.
You're very nice.
I am?
Yes, you're also quite pretty.
I am?
Oh, well, of course I am.
Hi there.
You're really a fox, you know?
Not exactly, but you're close.
Say son, uh,
I thought somebody might be trespassing.
Did you buy this place?
No uh, my family still owns it.
Yeah, my dad used to live
here when he was a boy.
I, I knew your dad real well.
Boy, you sure do look a lot like him.
Oh, thank you very much.
You know uh, Full Moon High,
we had a great ball team back
when your dad was around.
We could've beat Simpson, if
he'd stuck around for a while.
Well, maybe we'll
beat him this year, huh?
Yeah, say uh, what happened to old Tony?
I thought he'd write or
come back or something.
He's uh, he's not alive anymore.
I don't really like to talk about it.
Boy, you sure do sound a lot like him.
I'm sorry, I ran over your sign out front.
Oh, that's perfectly okay.
I don't plan on selling the place.
Well, I think I'm gonna live here,
at least until I graduate.
Oh, well look,
you'll have to come over
for dinner sometime.
My wife Janie, she used to
know your dad real well.
Exceptionally well, as a matter of fact.
She'd probably really enjoy seeing ya.
Well look, uh, good luck
with cleaning the house up.
Thank you.
Take care.
You too.
So long, Jack.
Not that yearbook again, Jane.
You're wearing out the pages.
Oh Jack, where did the time go?
How did we let slip away?
And one day it changed.
Please don't start on that
again, all right please.
Well, it's easy for you to say.
You always looked old.
You guys should've
seen that new kid Tony
on the field today.
He made a 60 yard run
right through the line.
Nobody could stop him.
I got so excited I dropped my pom-poms.
Hey, no eating in the living room, huh.
Here, come here, Edward.
Tell me all about this boy.
Oh, he was wonderful.
I'll pick out his father's
picture in the yearbook.
He was on almost every page, you know.
He was so popular, not like you.
Oh, that's him.
Same face exactly.
Same bulging thigh muscles.
Same well-rounded calves.
Same beautiful...
All right, all right, we all loved him,
but he dropped out of school.
He quit right before the big game.
His kid will probably do the
same thing and disappoint us.
Your father is just insanely jealous,
because sometimes in the height of passion
I yell out something that
sounds just like Tony.
Actually, all I'm saying is honey.
I always called Tony honey.
Yeah, so did the coach.
Look, Janie, I'm warning you,
stay away from this kid.
He's young, he's wild, he's impetuous.
Those round bulging thighs,
and those perfectly formed calves.
Look, I happen to be a
grown woman and a mother.
You will not forbid me to see anyone.
Why, but for a twist of faith,
that boy might have been my own son.
You mean my brother?
No silly, you would never been born.
That would've been nice.
Look, uh son, don't
let your mother fool ya.
We loved you as a baby and
wanted you with all our heart.
It wasn't until you were about 12
that we started to tire of you.
That's when you started
eating in the living room.
Now, get out of here, out!
I'm out, I'm out!
Jane, um, since this came up,
I was just wondering,
there's something I gotta know.
Before we were married, did uh,
did you ever have sex with anyone else?
No, only with me.
Oh, Tony!
Oh, Tony.
Oh, honey.
That's what I said.
Get your dirty feet off the slipcovers.
Oh no, get them!
Oh boy, oh boy.
Hello Dad.
You know you're lucky being able to die.
I can't die.
I don't even get a temperature.
I never had kids, Dad.
I don't really even
know if I can have them.
Maybe I can have pups.
I don't know, probably
wouldn't be fair to the girl.
Well Pop, I don't know what else to say,
except I, I miss you
and I'll see you around.
I miss you, but not that much.
Come on, let go, Pop.
Don't be a clingy parent, please.
And you, you get outta here!
Go find a roof to play on or something!
You're driving me nuts!
Excuse me.
Hands off the hips, please.
This music causes deafness.
We're going to have a
whole deaf generation.
I'm investing all my
savings in hearing aids.
Hey Miss Montgomery, you look super.
Where's that Tony Walker boy?
I guess he's not coming.
$70.00 at the beauty
parlor shot to hell.
Miss Montgomery.
What?
This kind of exhibitionism
can only lead to an orgy,
I mean an accident.
Miss Montgomery.
One sniff, one sniff,
and don't sneeze on it.
All right, woo woo.
This is my personal stash.
What, what what, what,
what, what, what is it?
What, I ain't
gonna smoke that shit.
This sucker's for real.
Come on Nick, where are you?
Nick, Nick, this isn't funny anymore!
I find licking my hand is a total turnoff.
Nick!
Oh God no, I didn't mean
it, I didn't mean it!
Here, here, here, lick it!
Take it, lick it.
Here, lick it some more!
I beg your pardon.
I beg your pardon!
Get him, get down!
Get him, yeah, get him!
Wait a minute, this is not a wolf.
This is not a wolf, this is an ape.
That's an ape, get off the ape!
Get off the ape!
All right, get outta here!
Ah, hi Dad.
What're you doing in there?
Perspiring.
No, I mean why?
Why are you dressed like
an ape going to a dance?
I don't know, Dad.
It's an attention getting device.
I can't dance and I can't skate.
I thought if I went to
the dance like this,
it might attract members
of the opposite sex.
Kind of reveal me as a,
as a wild and crazy kind of guy, you know,
and maybe perhaps,
eventually lead to an
eventual sex gratification.
Shit, why didn't I think
of this when I was in school?
You know, it wasn't a bad idea,
but you know, that guy in the wolf outfit,
he had the same exact idea.
Wolf, wolf, what wolf, what wolf?
There was a guy.
I saw him at the dance.
I saw him too!
Yeah, he went that way!
I waited 20 years for this!
You got my bus, but you
ain't gonna get cab!
I just got it!
Get out, I'm not giving up this cab!
$84,000 I had to pay for that bus,
and I'm not gonna give up this cab!
So just get out, get out of my cab!
Get out!
Another bum night.
I can't make it.
I'm failing every subject.
I'm gonna flunk out!
Oh, who am I kidding?
I'll never get to play against
Simpson and break that jinx.
Want a bite?
Of who, of what?
Alfalfa and goat cheese
sandwich on pita bread.
Oh no, thank you, I really
kind of pigged out last night.
Oh well, you're sure not a veggie.
I can tell you're too hyped up.
You're not into meditation either.
You really oughta give it a shot.
TM changed my life.
Really?
Mm hmm.
See, maybe you're the
friend I've been looking for.
Sounds like you don't have any.
Can you keep a secret, I don't.
Now, this may sound
kind of strange to you,
but I trust you.
I feel vegetarians are trustworthy.
We are.
Want an apple, grape, kumquat drink,
with asparagus juice added?
No, no no, thank you.
What's your name?
Ricky.
Tony.
Hi.
See Ricky, I have a problem, I change.
Fickle?
No no no, physically,
I change physically.
I'm sure that you can understand that.
You probably just finished
going through all kinds
of changes yourself.
You're not getting boobs, are you?
Listen, if you are, don't worry.
Hormone shots can fix it.
No no no, my problem is worse than that.
It's much worse.
Worse than boobs?
Say, is that your mother?
Where?
She's waving at ya.
I think she wants ya.
Oh no, oh no.
Yes ma'am?
Now, who says we don't get a chance
to live life over again, Tony walker?
Junior, I think you're
confusing me with my father.
Uh huh, now you can fool everybody,
but you can't fool me.
That scar under your right eye.
You know, I know every,
every single mark on your body, darling.
Now, don't call me that lady.
I mean what are you one of these molesters
that hangs around our school yards?
And don't try to open
that raincoat either.
Stop pretending!
I happen to be a better
detective than my husband,
and I know all about werewolves
and their little problems.
Shh, shh, shh, you didn't
tell anybody, did you?
Tomorrow I'm gonna take you
to an expensive restaurant.
A place where Jack is
too cheap to take me,
and then we're going
to discuss immortality.
I'll pick you up at noon,
you fierce, handsome bruiser,
or do I cry wolf?
Okay, okay!
Okay?
I'll be there!
Okay.
Will you talk to me?
What if I come over to your house tonight,
and you tell me privately, huh?
Okay, but not too late tonight.
Could you get by about
6:30 before sundown?
Before it gets dark?
Sure.
It's absolutely imperative
that you get there on time though.
Oh, I'll be there cutey.
Anything for you.
Okay.
Hi, hi, come on in.
So, this is what it's like in here.
Yeah, this is what it's like, all right.
You know, I used to be scared to death
of this place when we drove by.
Yeah, a lot of people still are.
Why nobody lived here.
After your grandfather shot himself,
and your father ran away from home.
Boy, it's like one of
these real haunted houses.
Yeah well, come on,
I'll show you the rest.
Boy, you sure work fast.
Well, there's no time to
waste, come on, come on.
Where did you get all
this home movie gear?
I rented this.
What's this on the bed for?
Hey, you are kinky.
I don't think this is my scene.
No, this is my scene.
Look, what I want you to do.
Yeah?
Is strap me into this
bed, turn on that camera,
and then go home quickly.
You mean you don't want me to even stay?
You're extra kinky.
What're you gonna do all
alone when you're all tied up?
You're a contortionist.
I need positive proof
of what happens to me.
Photographic evidence that
even Mike Wallace will believe.
After the big game on Saturday,
I'm gonna show the whole world.
You're an exhibitionist too?
You sure seem straight.
Hey, you wanna put on my stockings?
No no no, listen, what I need you to do
is fasten me in here as tight as you can.
Very tight, I mustn't
be able to slip loose.
That's good enough, that's good enough.
That's a little too tight, actually.
Oh well, oh, you're cute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
just put these on here.
Oh, oh, all right, like that?
Ow, that's tight enough, that's tight.
Down here, baby, oh come on.
That's too tight!
Will you take it easy?
I know what you like.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
you're cutting off the circulation.
Ow, ow, ow!
Are you turned on yet?
No, I don't get turned on.
Wait a minute, I know what to do.
What're you doing?
Hey, hey, hey, ow!
No, you just tell me when
it starts to feel good.
That doesn't feel good, ouch.
You great big masochist.
You want me to talk dirty.
What do you want me to say, huh?
Switch on the camera, it's happening.
It is?
Yes, quick, the camera,
then get out of here!
You mean it wasn't on then?
No!
Hurry, turn it on, please.
Oh, you're so bad, Tony.
It makes me hot just thinking about it.
You let me know what you really want.
Oh, oh darling.
Do you know what you do to me?
Don't you ever cut loose?
I do.
Oh, this is wild.
It blows me away.
It's like magic fingers.
Don't get mad.
I mean, I won't, I won't
hit you anymore, see?
I didn't do it.
Kick him in the balls before I get killed.
What do I do now?
Wait, when a shark attacks you,
you hit him in the nose hard,
but he's not a shark.
Now what, what the hell?
Come back here you big, hairy lady killer.
Who do you think you're
screwing around with,
Little Red Riding Hood?
Well, we can take care
of ourselves nowadays.
Come on out you big macho son of a bitch.
Burn, baby, burn!
It isn't only me you're afraid of.
It's this knife, it's silver.
See, my parents were wrong.
The Late, Late Show is educational.
I have to think of you as Tony.
It isn't easy, but you are Tony.
Now, don't be growling,
it just pisses me off.
Did you get scalded?
You're feet are killing you?
I know I read a report once
that wolves are very
family loving animals.
They take better care of
their young than humans do,
and that's not saying a hell of a lot.
Better, that's good.
Oh, by the way, I hope
those pictures come out.
Boy, everybody's not gonna
believe how you did it.
They're gonna think it's special effects,
but I'm your witness.
You're out of the closet now.
Ugh, ew!
What's the matter?
You want to be petted?
Oh, I guess everybody needs stroking.
Come here.
Well, this isn't exactly
your average evening.
You're not exactly boring.
You're not exactly good looking either,
but I suppose a person
could get used to you.
You're not much of a conversationalist,
but then I'm a very verbal person,
and you're a very good listener.
Maybe we should keep seeing
each other for awhile
just in case anything happens,
but you've gotta do
something about your breath.
Good afternoon, may I
take your order, please?
I'd like the chicken.
I feel more like roast
beef, rare, no raw.
I would like it raw.
Tony, why don't you have the chicken?
Well, which is it?
Um, I'll have the chicken.
The chicken, cooked, please.
Very good choice, sir.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What's the matter, is
you're collar too tight?
No.
Then why are
you squirming like that?
Don't ask.
Well, you can't be changing,
I mean, it's only, it's
1:30 in the afternoon.
Well I, I, I itch.
I wish you'd stop that.
I think everyone in the
restaurant is looking.
God, oh God, it's like when the barber
gets hair down your shirt.
Oh Tony, it's not that.
What?
You got fleas.
Oh, don't say that!
It's from sleeping in the woods.
Right after lunch I'll spray you,
and you may have to wear a
little flea and tick collar.
And it will look very well on you, sir.
Ma'am, your chicken, cooked.
Thank you.
Now, let's get down
to brass tacks, Tony.
Fleas or no fleas, I
want to be your woman.
Am I too old for you now?
Oh, I don't know.
Did you ever see that
movie Harold and Maude?
Yeah, I saw that movie Harold and Maude,
and I really don't wanna talk about it.
Oh Tony, why can't you do for me
what the werewolf did for you?
Make me ageless and immortal.
Then we can just be together
throughout all eternity.
Oh, I don't know.
We might run out of things
to say to each other.
Like by next Tuesday.
Then where would we be for
the next million years, huh?
Oh no, not again.
I gave in Romania.
Your food's getting cold.
Yeah I know, I like it body temperature.
Ow, this is silver!
It's real silver and it touched me!
I'm gonna be sick!
Pay the check first, then
be sick, somewhere else.
Just get out of my way.
Stay back!
Can you tell me?
Have you killed lots of people?
Oh no, I've never killed anyone.
I just kind of nibble.
I'm a nosher.
A little bit goes a long way, you know,
but I'm worried one day
my eyes will get bigger than my stomach,
and then who knows what'll happen.
I wanna get out and
into the bushes for awhile.
Oh, I spend every night in the bushes.
It's no novelty for me.
I want you to make love
to me, Tony, one time,
as you are now, the real Tony.
Yeah, but it's hot out there,
and there's mosquitoes and gnats.
I wanna have something to remember.
What, last night wasn't
unusual enough for you?
How long has it been
since you've gone all
the way with a woman?
Ah, 21 years, three
months and uh, 14 days.
That's a ballpark figure.
Do you ever get horny?
Don't you ever take off this jacket?
Only on special occasions.
Well, this is very special.
Can you scratch in
between my shoulder blades?
Oh sure, oh yes.
No, just scratch, you gotta.
How's that, ooh, how's that?
Oh, that's good.
Oh good, did I get it?
There's something on my left leg.
Oh my God, get it, ooh.
Yeah ooh,
that's perfect, perfect.
Don't, don't, oh, you lost it.
It's not the bugs, it's me, Ricky.
I've got fleas.
Excuse me.
Oh, that would make a
very nice belt buckle.
Yeah right, uh look, there's
a rush job I need from ya.
I need you to make me some silver bullets.
I need them out of.38 caliber.
Oh listen, for.38 caliber,
perhaps I would suggest some
little silver plate maybe, eh?
No no, uh, antique perhaps?
Ah, or a little designer silver.
I tell you what.
What about a little hand raised or cast?
A little engraving.
Something endearing.
No no no, nothing gaudy.
This is not gonna be worn on the outside.
It's going inside.
Oh yeah, inside.
What's that?
Leonard, wake up.
What?
Wake up.
I'm sorry, are you ready again?
It's not that.
I think something's out there.
Does that mean I can go now?
A trespasser, Leonard.
It's my father.
What
would bring your father here
at this hour?
He's a burglar.
He'll be a murderer if he catches me here.
I'm supposed to be out stealing hubcaps.
I learned my lesson, Miss Montgomery.
I'll never forget my homework again.
No, don't leave me.
Come back you premature ejaculator!
Hello, who is it?
Answer me!
Hello police department.
Hello, I'm alone in the house.
Someone has broken in
and I may not like him.
I'll have to put you on hold.
I need help, not Muzak.
Oh, that is kinda catchy.
This is your
Full Moon Police Department.
We're not in right now,
but if you leave your message
when you hear the beep,
we'll try to get right back to you.
Oh.
Hello, hello, there's a thing in my room,
and it's coming at me.
Remember,
wait until the beep.
Let's put those
cigarettes out right now.
Not on each other's necks.
We are again going to attempt
to show our film on sex education.
I wish to thank the student or students
who returned our projector.
A baby comes from the relationships
between the members of
these opposites sex.
Hi, Tony.
There's a substitution, run this.
Oh hi, Tony.
Oh, I'm, I'm, I can't.
There's no, there's no leader on it.
Just thread it up!
Come on, let's go in and check it out.
Come on, come on!
You three wait outside.
Hold it down, will ya's?
This is a school, isn't it?
You can't show that
home movie yet, Tony.
They'll never let you
play in the big game.
I can't wait anymore.
I finally did it last
night with Miss Montgomery.
The works?
All the way.
She wouldn't run away from me.
I knew she liked me.
I didn't know I'd like her that much.
I have to be locked up immediately.
Tony.
Hi Tony, you said you have
some real important evidence.
Yeah, I'm glad you could make it.
Take my seat.
Oh no, I'd love to watch a movie.
I really haven't got time though.
Miss Montgomery's missing,
the room's been turned over.
Yeah, I know, because I did it.
Tony, don't make light
of this situation, okay?
I mean, I know your dad way...
Not my dad, it's me, just sit down.
Sit down and watch.
I really...
Sit down!
Did he go?
Schweinfurt, would you turn
our lights out for us, please?
People, let's not have
any nonsense in the dark.
Tony.
Not bad.
Looks like a porno film.
What a school.
Hey, this is like The Exorcist.
Hey Tony, when's your head
gonna start to turn around?
Oh, shit!
Turn that thing off!
I'll finish watching this in private.
You touch that machine,
I'll bite your ear off.
It is a science project.
Oh, shit.
Let's watch our language.
Holy shit, look at that.
God, look at all that hair.
It's the Wookiee!
I am not the Wookiee.
I am the werewolf.
He ate my second cousin.
There goes the whole God
damned football season.
Let's have the lights.
Wait a second, hold it.
That was sick, show it again.
Sorry Miss, I'm gonna
have to take him in
before everyone gets sick and barfs.
Then I get sick and then I barf.
Me too.
Yeah, that's right, that's right,
put them on behind my back.
Don't trust me, I'm a killer.
Finally, after 20 years.
Gee, thanks for making
this easy, kid, come on.
Tony!
Will you get the film, it's evidence.
You got a great ass.
Hey, Ricky baby, you can
do that to me anytime girl.
Hey, can I get a clip of that?
They're not gonna put me
to sleep, are they, Jack?
No, no no, the ASPCA won't let them.
You'll probably tested, treated, deflead.
You'll probably be
approached to do a book.
Yeah, but how will I
ever get my head together,
not to mention my punctuation?
I'll help you with that, Tony.
I'm gonna get you the services
of America's greatest
abnormal psychiatrist.
His name's Dr. Jacob Brand.
A whole lot of bestsellers,
like Potty Training for College Credit.
Do you know him?
No, but what psychiatrist
would turn down the chance
to work on a real
werewolf for a percentage?
All right,
buddy, all right, buddy.
Buddy, just take it
easy, just take it easy.
Get back, stay back!
Quiet, quiet.
Listen, I got something to tell ya.
I'm going over now.
I got
something to tell ya.
Take a deep breath, just take it easy.
I'm gonna jump.
Don't jump!
Why not?
You got a phone call.
I don't care.
Long distance!
Is it paid for?
Sure, every
penny, come on, come on!
I don't care, I'm jumping anyway!
No, don't jump!
Is it a man or a woman?
I don't know, I couldn't tell!
That's why I'm jumping!
You can never tell anymore!
Dr. Brand, Dr. Brand, come on!
The guy's gonna jump off the roof!
That's okay, I'll take over now.
Hey you, drop dead!
Drop 43 stories dead!
Take a long walk on a short pier!
What pier?
He belongs to the Ridicule and Insult
School of Psychiatry.
He shames them down.
What're you deaf too?
Take a hop, take a walk!
Take a ride, take a fall!
Can I get another doctor, please?
No, you don't deserve
anybody better than me.
You wanna kill yourself?
Do yourself a favor,
something constructive.
Get a job in a nuclear power plant.
Do it quick, I got an
appointment at two o'clock.
Doc, do me a favor.
The guys is gonna jump off the roof.
So what, probably nobody will
come to the funeral anyway.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, the ledge is collapsing!
Ah ha, I made you look.
Shame on you, you baby.
I bet you were a pansy in school.
You, you, you're just like my father!
I'll kill ya!
Hang on, I'm coming, I'm coming.
That's a doctor you're hurting there.
What're you doing, you're crazy!
Get off of me!
Come here, come here you!
Get off of me!
Who's doing what to who?
You're breaking my neck.
What's that suppose
to be, a fireman's grip?
Now, the firefighter's got the jumper.
The firefighter's got the doctor.
No, the jumpers got the firefighter.
You wanna
fight, fight like a man!
I saw 12 year old girls
fight better than that.
12 year old girls with chin boogers.
He shamed him down.
Jesus, what a couple of jerks.
They didn't even try to fly.
Thanks for coming, Doctor.
In a minute, you'll see him in
either the flesh or the fur.
He hasn't turned into
much of anything yet.
Tony this is the famous Dr. Brand.
Hello.
So, you turn into a wolf.
Who cares, you think
you're the only werewolf?
Eastern Europe is full of your kind,
and if we wanted more
werewolves in this country
we would send for them!
Are you sure this is the right man?
You expected somebody
who'd kiss your ass,
didn't you big shot?
What's so great about taking
a step backwards in evolution?
I'd like to see a wolf turn into a man!
That would be progress!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
I think I'd better leave
before I attack the doctor myself.
Oh please, please.
Please, just go join a band, will ya!
Doc, I'm getting that odd feeling again.
Oh yes, would you like
to describe it to me?
Well, you know in the cartoons
when the mouse reaches down into the cat
and turns him inside out?
Hold on, hold on.
Let's get all this great
dialog down on tape.
This is Dr. Brand speaking.
Thank you, thank you, hold the applause.
Testing, one two three, testing.
Excuse me, would you mind
not talking when I am, please?
It muddies up the tape.
We're in the Full Moon county jail
with a deranged student now,
who thinks he's a werewolf.
Do you have a mirror handy?
Downstairs in the men's room.
I'm not interested in your fetishes.
We can deal with that at some later date.
Would you go get it, please,
and bring it back to me?
If you can, without breaking it,
so that the sickie here
can tell me what he's sees,
as opposed to what we, the healthy, see?
It'll only take a minute Doc.
With you it'll take
a week, run slowpoke!
I don't have all night for
this jackass experiment!
While we're alone,
would you sign this, please,
and don't bother to read it.
You wouldn't understand it anyway.
Hey, I said don't read it!
This says you want me to
sign my body over to science.
You don't expect me to piss away
a perfectly good werewolf, do you?
Besides, my wife is looking
for a fur coat this winter.
What kind of a doctor would gyp a guy
out of his own body, huh?
Oh, it's really getting bad now, Doc.
Look at this, the hair's
coming out on my hands,
and my nails are growing.
Can you see this?
You should be taking notes on this.
Then it's true, a real werewolf.
Well, you've got the right to say it,
Dr. Norman Brand is a schmuck.
I thought you
were Dr. Jacob Brand?
I am, Norman Brand is my father.
He was a schmuck.
$5.00 for a house call.
Yeah, $5.00 for a
house call is very reasonable.
Speak up, Mowgli, let's
get this down on tape.
I gotta get to the game.
Make that touchdown,
break the jinx.
Okay, Narcissus, open up the cell,
so I can administer the hypodermic.
I haven't any authority
to let you in there.
Must you tell everybody
the extremities of your IQ?
Now, repeat after me, I am a moron.
Good, now open the door
and hold up the mirror,
so I can show this guy
what a jerk he's making out of himself.
You're gonna have to hold the mirror,
because I'm gonna have my
hands full with my gun.
Okay.
Um.
Hang on to that, will you?
Thank you.
This won't drug me, will it?
No no, I have the drugs.
You have a little plastic thing.
Would you be so kind as
to open the door now?
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Would you hold my gun?
I'd be delighted.
Excuse me for one minute.
What, what?
You see the tape
recorder sitting on there?
Yes, I do.
If you open the door,
it will fall to the floor
causing me great expense,
and you a hit on the head.
I already broke my
walkie-talkie like that.
It's open.
I can hardly believe it.
My how proud you must be.
Well, why don't we slide the
little bugger down the wall?
I'm going in.
All right, calm yourself down now.
This is simply a shot to put you to sleep,
so that when I skin you,
it will not be unbelievably painful.
Oh, oh, oh, shoot him, shoot him.
Shoot him better.
Jesus, you broke the camera.
A wolf man in the cell
and he shoots the camera.
Did he get the cameraman too?
Loomis, are you okay?
He'll never call focus
again, the poor bastard.
The best scene and the
best special effects,
and we're missing it,
because he shot the camera.
You idiot, can't you tell a
wolf man from a Panavision?
He didn't even kill me.
What am I, poison?
If you'd only listened,
you stupid genius.
Now we have to go and catch him again.
I wanna go with you.
If there are any more risks to be taken,
if anybody else has to put
their life on the line,
we both have to make
sure that it's not me.
I can't believe it.
This is not exciting to me.
This is the story of Full Moon High.
Full Moon High is desperate
trouble, as you know.
Break that jinx!
Make that point!
Break that jinx.
One touchdown.
He's out there watching
and waiting in the dark.
An animal trying to remember
who he was when he was human.
Knowing that in some
strange way he belongs here.
Come back here, you
predatory son of a bitch,
and play in the last play
of the greatest game of all.
That was beautiful,
Sergeant, that was beautiful.
I know, I worked on it all night.
He's out there watching
and waiting in the dark.
An animal trying to remember
who he was when he was human.
Knowing he belongs here somehow.
Come back, you huge
predatory son of a bitch.
Come back and play your last play
in the greatest game of all.
What you just said.
That was beautiful.
Tony!
You get off the field, you're expelled!
Don't you put any holes in the bugger,
because I get the body.
Hey, that's school equipment.
You're gonna have to pay for that, punk!
Yeah, I think Shawn Kirby
took a bite of the the ball back in 1932.
Then again, that wasn't
the entire football.
I'm holding my fire!
Clear the field!
The vital question expands then.
Did he take a chomp out of that sucker
before he crossed the line?
That's the question here.
He's turned bad, honey.
He's a rotten wolf now.
No, no, under the hair and
teeth, he's still my Tony.
Well, I guess it's true.
Looks don't count in men
if they got personality.
Stop that firing!
It won't do any good!
I'm the only one that can stop him!
Tony, it's me, remember?
Remember all the things we
used to do in the woods,
or up on the floor in my room, huh?
On the floor?
She likes it on the floor?
Now, we're gonna walk
off this field unmolested.
Jane, this beast is
surer than shit turned bad.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe my eyes.
We'll adapt, Tony.
We're going home now, Tony.
Well, I don't wanna share my room!
Especially with a werewolf!
Jane, we can't bring him home!
We just got new drapes!
He'll ruin the broadloom.
Would you mind taking your
hands off my Tony, Mrs. Flynn.
Your Tony, what has this guy got,
and you were out in the bushes
in the woods with him too?
Tony, you told everybody.
I didn't think you were
the kind that told.
See Jane, he
hasn't been faithful.
He couldn't even wait 20 years.
You gonna shoot him?
Are you gonna shoot the bastard?
How can I dissect him
if you don't shoot him?
Please toss the gun
aside, Detective Flynn.
I know you're not afraid of him.
Oh, oh, ah, well, of course I'm not,
but they can smell fear, you know?
Fortunately for us, I wear
deodorant and aftershave,
so we're pretty safe in that department.
Go ahead, take a whiff.
You don't smell any fear, do ya?
Mm, no, it's nice and masculine.
Oh, it kind of turns me on.
You wanna put the God damned gun down,
and stop smelling so good now, please?
Thank you.
Look at this now.
A disgrace to the world.
Why do I always have to do everything?
You're a mad scientist.
I hate psychiatrists,
I'm never going back.
He shot the werewolf!
I think I blew it.
Stop him!
I think I'm in trouble.
Shoot him!
Oh Christ, I knew I
should've wore my glasses.
I never did have good
hand-eye coordination.
Put me down!
You big Lobo, I said, put
me down, not throw me down.
He's not hurt, they can't kill him.
Somebody get a veterinary.
Tony, Tony!
Tony, Tony!
All right, now all of you let him die
with a song ringing in his ears.
Our song, the Full Moon
High School anthem,
and I want you to sing it
like you never, ever sang it before.
You're singing the wrong song, again.
Look, he's shedding.
I guess they do that when they die.
The Wookiee's dead.
I mean, the wolf man.
Probably for the best though.
You were ruining property values.
He's gone now, he's
gone to a better place.
A world where foaming at
the mouth and biting people
don't necessarily make you an outcast.
Yes, there are more things
than heaven and earth
than this world dreams of, achoo!
Oh, Tony Walker, you
were a great ballplayer,
and a pretty fair wolf man,
and Full Moon High will
probably never forget you,
but we're gonna give it
a hell of a shot, kid.
Achoo, achoo!
Come on Janie, let's go home.
We got a big fight ahead of us.
My God, it's catchy.
She's turning into a balloon or something.
Oh, stop screaming, will you?
Look, look at that, I'm
probably allergic to him.
Like cats, you know, achoo.
So, you see that.
You have nothing to worry about.
We were just incompatible.
Maybe, maybe it was your
aftershave, hmm, hmm?
Look uh, sweetheart, if
you ever need any help,
just give me a buzz, okay?
I will, Detective Flynn, I promise.
After a suitable period of mourning.
How about Tuesday?
Oh, don't worry about me folks.
Nowadays with inflation,
it takes at least eight silver
bullets to kill a werewolf.
Miss Montgomery, Miss Montgomery!
Oh, Miss Montgomery!
Miss Montgomery, Miss
Montgomery, Miss Montgomery?
Miss Montgomery, Miss Montgomery?
It's your turn to bite me now.
Miss Montgomery!