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Everyone loves Halloween,
especially in Cleveland.
When you're known as
"The Mistake By The Lake,"
the chance to pretend you're somebody
else for a night sounds pretty good.
My dad grew up here, too.
His theory was, "No matter
what happens in high school",
"college is where you figure
out who you really are."
Not just some pretend-for-a-night
version of yourself, but the real deal.
He went to NYU after he graduated,
which is where I'm planning on going,
provided I can survive
the insanity that is my family.
I know.
Everyone thinks their family's crazy.
But trust me...
- ...you don't have...
- Albert!
Him.
Seriously?
Albert!
Where are my boobs?
Mom, Albert struck again,
that is twice this week.
Hon, he wants to be close to you.
Well, that makes one of us.
Have you signed my application yet?
Application for what?
Afghan citizenship. Hello? College loans.
Right. No.
Again with that jacket.
Why couldn't you have gotten attached
to something of your dad's
from this decade?
Mom. Application. Focus.
We need to talk about this, Wren.
I understand that you want to go to NYU,
but Ohio State
is just much less expensive.
I know it's a lot of money
and I promise not to major in English
so I can help pay it off.
When my dad died,
my mom kind of lost it.
She started dyeing her hair blonde,
shopping at Forever 21,
and going out with
a person named Keevin.
Joy.
M'lady.
M'dawg. Yeah.
Apparently, dating a 26-year-old
is one of the seven stages of grief.
Come on, Albert! Let's go!
So, which do you think,
sexy kitty or sexy mouse?
Can't you be a kitty without being sexy?
Um, no.
Hello? Being sexy is what's gonna get us
into Aaron Riley's party tonight.
We're never getting into
Aaron Riley's party.
We're not that cool.
It's really sad
that you're a pessimist.
Realist.
I read a statistic that
a good Halloween costume
can increase your chance
of popularity by 32%. So,
have you thought about
what you're going as yet?
I was thinking
maybe Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
We learned about her in Government.
Feminist icon? Supreme Court justice?
Aaron Riley is a musician.
He is not a law-abiding citizen.
He's not gonna know who that is.
What if I did a rap explaining who I am?
Stop. You're getting
your nerd juice all over me.
- Wren. Hey!
- Speaking of nerds. God.
- Hey, Roosevelt.
- Morning, ladies.
Happy Halloween. Right?
Albert, what's shaking, buddy?
Still not talking?
Nope. Going on almost a year.
Thanks. Hey, this monster's
got some pretty big eyeballs.
That looks like your sweater.
My boobs. I'll take that.
So, what are you going as
for Halloween?
E.O. Wilson.
The father of sociobiology?
Exactly.
You two are going to costume jail for life.
Congratulations. You found someone
with a more obscure costume
than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Wait. You think it's obscure?
Hey.
Maybe you could do
an explaining rap, too.
I'm E.O. Wilson and I'm a scientist
I study ants and stuff if you get the gist
I'm about as cool as a guy can get.
Think Jason Bourne with a butterfly net.
- Yeah!
- Right?
- That was good.
- It's easy.
You could even do a stick bug dance
to really bring it home.
- Or you couldn't do that.
- Like one of these.
My God. What are you doing?
Don't... Don't do that.
- What? Don't do what?
- That.
Maybe you'll like
praying mantis better. Ready?
Whoo!
- Can you please stop it?
- You don't like that?
Wren, I said please.
The turtle is one
of my personal favorites.
Whoo!
Wren, please cut it out.
I'm gonna throw up.
Maybe this will
make you feel better.
I don't even know
what kind of bug this is.
But what do you think about
these moves, April?
How am I looking now?
Aaron Riley. God. Stud.
Legend.
Didn't know you could
move like that, Desantis.
You coming to my party tonight?
'Cause you should.
I should?
You should.
I should.
Maybe I'll play a song for you.
Wren. We're going
to Aaron Riley's party.
This is fully...
Albert!
He should not be off-leash.
Halloween just went from
another holiday I was trying to avoid
to possibly the greatest night of my life.
Okay, so now I really need
to figure out my costume,
because Ruth Bader Ginsburg
won't work.
What about sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
No, that's weird.
April's got dibs on wildlife.
And Aaron Riley always goes
as the star of his favorite movie.
Why not? They keep making sequels.
No. Not a chance.
Hey. Look, you love Spider-Man.
He looks like a Mexican wrestler.
Whatever. For once,
you're not my problem tonight.
Thanks to some
inspiration from Pink Floyd,
I got it. Dorothy, from The Wizard of Oz.
Not only is she an iconic female hero,
but she also provides a costume
that I happen to have in my closet.
Yellow brick road, here we come.
Hey, Wren. What do you think?
I think people might misinterpret
what you mean by "trick or treat."
That's what you're taking Albert out in?
No, I forgot to tell you.
You're gonna watch Albert tonight.
I'm going to a party with Keevin.
A party? With Keevin?
Why are you saying his name like that?
It's not even a name, Mom.
You're either Kevin or you're Steven.
Keevin does not exist.
Keevin does exist,
and he is kind and employed.
No, Mom, I did not agree to this. Please?
Don't do this to me.
Honey, if you watch Albert tonight,
I'll sign the application
for NYU tomorrow.
And then this time next year,
you're gonna be
trick-or-treating the West Village!
I love you, thank you, you're welcome.
Happy Halloween, Spidey.
Aren't you adorable?
You have a lot to choose from.
Pick your favorite.
Honey! Honey,
I think we need more candy.
This sucks.
I can't believe we're missing the party.
How about this?
When's Albert's bedtime?
But if he's riding a sugar high,
sometime next week.
My God, it's Aaron.
How did he get my number?
A smiley face emoticon?
We have to go.
If we don't,
he'll move on to someone else.
My mom's been married three times.
Trust me, that is how love works.
Whose child is this?
Get over here.
Hi.
Does he belong to you?
He cleaned me out.
The sign says, "Take one."
Plus, I don't think
he needs the extra pounds.
Sorry, sir.
Albert, do you have any idea
what I sacrificed to be out here tonight?
Do we need to send you to rehab?
Okay, we're going to go
through the haunted house,
and then you're going to bed. Come on.
Damn! I've never seen you like that.
I guess the pressure of being
a teen mom is getting to me.
- Roosevelt!
- My...
Hey, Peng.
Wren, hey.
What the hell are you?
I'm Aaron Burr, fool.
The dude who shot Alexander Hamilton.
Check it. Period gat.
Don't worry, it's just an antique.
I'm going to step outside.
So, Wren,
listen, I think it's
really cool that you don't
feel the need
to dress sexy on Halloween,
like some other girls.
Thank you, Roosevelt.
Well, I'd better catch up with my brother.
So, you guys have a good night. Bye.
Albert?
Albert?
Albert, I want to thank you.
If it wasn't for you always doing stuff
like petting a dead cat,
I might never have found
the motivation to leave home.
You're not my mommy.
Bitch.
Albert?
Albert!
Albert.
Albert!
Albert!
Albert!
Albert.
Albert!
Albert.
Thank God.
Hey! I'm not doing anything wrong.
This is 100% legal.
Yes, but very, very creepy.
Albert!
My mom is going to kill me.
Keevin Kilpatrick.
My oldest chum.
Nathaniel Brueder.
You've heard all about the lovely Joy.
- Hi.
- Indeed I have.
But you were wrong
about one thing, Keevin.
She's twice as beautiful as Katie Couric.
Thank you.
She could be my mother, but
I love her and I think she's so brave.
Please, welcome, welcome.
Casa de Brueder.
I brought some wine.
Do you have a wine table,
or should I give this
to one of the servers?
You are a peach. My parents love wine.
You can chuck it in their
wine cellar downstairs.
Why are they here?
Because, duh, they live here.
Great people. You'll love them.
Come on. Everyone's down
in the Nate Cave. Race you!
Dude, I worked, like, 13 hours this week.
I don't know about you,
but I'm ready to cut loose!
Can you walk any faster?
No, I can't. We need a car.
I should call the police again.
Or the hospital.
Or maybe the pound.
This is bad, April.
This is really, really bad.
Come on. What's the worst
that could happen to him?
Okay. How about this?
We split up.
Cover more houses.
Let me guess.
So you can go to the party.
- It's at a house.
- Come on!
Well played, Galaxy Scout.
Hey, there, little man.
Whoa, that arm looks real bad.
Who was it? Green Goblin
or that lunatic, Dr. Octopus?
Venom? You must
have been freaking out.
What's happening? Yeah, of course.
You need to feed.
It's very full already, but still...
Do you chew, bro?
That's disgusting to say.
Expecting?
Utility knife.
I don't know why we have so
many knives and safety pins.
You backed up in any way or...
Here we go.
Just mainline it, right?
I mean, don't really mainline it
because that would be intense. Hey.
You're that little kid
from the arcade, right?
Man, you are
an absolute beast at Mario Kart.
Wow, a living legend in my presence.
I am Fuzzy,
and you are Spidey. Of course.
Well, nice to meet you, Spidey.
Slushee's on the house.
Cool. Anyways...
Nice to meet you and everything
and stay in touch, man. Just don't...
if you see me in the arcade,
say, "What's up?"
and I'll spot you some quarters,
'cause you got mad skills.
That went weird.
What's up, fellows?
Making an omelet?
Yeah, with a side of T. P.
- Who you hitting?
- Whoever has got it coming.
Tonight's all about revenge.
First on our list is Stacy Lautner's house.
She said she'd be
my lab partner this year,
but first day of class,
she was sitting with David G.
Man, I feel your pain, brother.
Stay strong.
All right, man. Wish us luck.
Hey, we're sensitive guys, right?
Vengeance.
Yeah. Vengeance.
Vengeance.
Okay. All right.
What's up, Spidey?
You just chilling out here by yourself?
Okay.
Well, no man should ride alone tonight.
You don't have any friends or anything?
Look who's talking.
I tell you what.
I need a man for a mission.
One man for one mission
to avenge one broken heart.
Will it be dangerous?
Yes. Very much so.
In fact, I'm quite scared about it.
Will we make it back alive?
I don't know, to be honest.
I do not know.
But I can promise you this.
He who follows me
unto the breach, my dear friends,
will be rewarded
with unlimited free Funyuns
for the rest of his life.
So, look.
I just feel like
we could help each other out tonight.
So what do you say, Spidey? Are you in?
Take your time.
Yep. Bam. Awesome.
Great news.
All right, so...
Just get in my car
and we'll roll, man, like homeys.
Not that I'm luring a kid into my car.
I'm not luring a kid into my car.
Let's check in here.
Albert's nursing a major Slushee habit.
Okay, seriously, what is wrong with you?
Okay, I wasn't going to bring this up,
but it has reached crisis stage.
I put Nair on my butt this morning.
My God, it is chafing
something fierce.
Here we go, Spidey.
The adventure begins.
It was an accident.
- You Naired your butt?
- Yeah, and it burns.
Why in God's name would you do that?
It's like fire shooting out of my ass.
Nerd alert. Other way.
Shh.
Please do not forget that in our cross-ex.
Just chill, bro. It's Spring Lake.
Follow me.
Roosevelt!
Peng! Hey, guys, what's going on?
We were just actually
going over our strategy
for tomorrow's match.
- Fencing?
- Debate, actually.
First co-captains in school history.
- That's really cool.
- Um, Wren?
So, how do you get to the big match?
Is there a team bus?
No, I drive my car.
Well, it's not my car,
but I can get permission.
So could you get permission tonight?
Tonight? You want me to drive the car...
You want me to drive, tonight, with it?
You in it?
What he was trying
to say is we would love to drive around
with you girls at night with no parents.
Great.
So, yeah. Let's...
Let's hit the road. Let's go.
The thing is...
I haven't fully completed
my trust window yet.
Your trust window?
It's like a second learner's permit,
but between me and my moms.
You know, for six months,
I can't drive with anyone
outside my immediate academic
and/or social circles.
Bummer. Let's go.
But...
We're friends.
My Crush.
It's all over the floor.
You guys want to go?
We should go.
Prostitution.
Okay, come on in. Shoes off, slippers on.
And please use your inside voices,
which, if you need a barometer,
is about where I am now.
No problem. So what's our cover?
We're debate team cheerleaders
or something?
No, it's okay.
You're my friends, you lost your brother.
I don't ever lie to my moms.
One more thing.
Do either of you carry
any sort of unusual scents
or chemical odors?
Really know how to smooth talk a girl.
I mean like scented lotions, perfumes.
Fragrances set off Tolstoy's asthma.
- Tolstoy?
- The cat.
He's a gray tabby. He's 12.
Really?
Wait.
What about the Nair on your...
- You-know-what.
- Shh!
Don't talk about my you-know-what
in front of them.
We love cats!
Roosevelt.
Hey, Moms.
I thought
he was just talking like Lil Wayne.
I didn't expect you home
until Charlie Rose.
Moms, this is Wren Desantis.
- Hi.
- And April...
April...
Martin-Danzinger-Ross.
The only thing my mom loves
more than men is hyphens.
So this is the Wren Desantis.
"The"?
I hear you're applying to NYU.
Yes, I think I mentioned that
to Roosevelt once.
Great school.
That's where Barb earned
her third doctorate.
Yeah.
- In prenatal psychology. Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm still in touch with the dean
through my heirloom bean club.
- Great guy.
- Earl.
- He's a lovely person.
- Yeah, he's a good guy.
He would write a letter in a heartbeat.
Are you kidding me?
- Yeah.
- And very knowledgeable about beans.
I'm not sure where I am on chits...
Ba-b-b-b-b-b!
Speak the Greek language.
It's ancient Greek.
It's just this fun thing we...
I would like to use the car.
What's going on?
You were right about the Nair.
My God, my ass is killing this cat.
Please?
No way!
Let's go!
- It was so nice to meet you two.
- Bye, Mrs. Leroux.
Bye, Mrs. Leroux.
What was that about?
I don't know.
We should have breastfed longer.
Honey.
Tolstoy! Jackie! Kitty down!
We have a kitty down!
What happened?
It's my fault.
I completely blanked on
the ancient Greek for "seatbelt."
So now what do we do?
We drive really, really carefully.
Okay, Spidey, I don't know
if you know about super-spy missions,
but the key here
is the element of surprise.
We must be very, very, very stealthy.
There's Lara's place right up there.
We had a lot
of good times in that apartment.
I mean, not like that.
Well, like that, just not because of that.
Special. You know what I mean?
Do you?
Okay.
All right, well, you know,
she didn't think so, because
she started sharing intimacies
with this mixed martial arts guy.
Big, scary guy called Jrgen.
You know,
the two rock dots over the "o"?
He has this huge tattoo on his arm
of this dragon smoking a cigarette,
which I personally find redundant
because I don't see why a dragon
would smoke a cigarette.
It doesn't make any sense.
You know what I'm saying?
Dragons have smoke in their body.
It's part of being a dragon.
Not to mention if he's got dragon kids.
Smoking around dragon kids?
I don't know.
Time for vengeance, Spidey. Yeah!
Okay, man, get pumped, here we go!
Let's do this.
Aw, what?
I'm gonna have to get a little bit closer.
You might wanna put your mask on
because we're about to commit
a very serious crime.
I mean, you're a minor,
still, but, you know,
these days, they execute minors.
Okay. All right. Here we go.
Let's play.
Yeah!
Direct hit, Spidey!
Yeah!
All right.
No, that's a fire.
There's a fire. It's all on fire.
Get the hose! Spidey, get the hose!
No!
No.
What have I done?
Fuzzy?
Lara?
What the hell?
Who the hell are you?
Lara!
Kill him, baby! Kill him!
This went horribly wrong.
Whoa. Right there.
- This is a nightmare!
- Come here!
Run, Spidey! Go! Save yourself!
Meet me at the car!
Get him!
You're dead.
What? Come on! No!
What is going on?
Wait. Wait, Spidey! Spidey!
Spidey!
He really loves that candy.
- Fuzzy?
- Lara!
Thank God. Please,
you gotta help me get my car back.
Why should I give a crap what happens
to your lame car?
Because there's
an eight-year-old boy inside.
That's messed up.
It's not what you're thinking.
We checked the mini-mart
and the arcade.
The comic book store is closed.
I know. Let's go to Captain Chicken.
Albert lives for that stuff.
Really? Despite all the trans fat?
I know a place where we can ask
No, April, for the hundredth time,
we are not going to Aaron Riley's.
You know, to be honest,
I don't really get all
the hype about Aaron.
Well, A, he's gorgeous,
and B, please refer to A.
Pump it up, bro!
Let's get some tunes going!
Hey, stop.
Only the pilot touches the controls.
This is the most fun I've ever had.
Chicks dig music, bro.
Stop messing!
Fantastic! You broke the stereo!
No big deal. Just put the knob back on!
Yeah. Seriously,
Peng, just give me the knob!
I don't have the knob, Roosevelt!
I think it's over here!
Find the knob! Do not touch my leg!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
where are you going?
You said Captain Chicken.
Yeah, from a side street. Not the strip!
I want out!
My God!
This is where cool people hang out.
We are officially losers!
I want out!
Let me out of this nerd ship!
Rule 6C, child safety locks...
Get us out of here, Roosevelt!
Where do you want me to go?
God!
No! Here comes the uplifting chorus!
Okay, we're almost there.
Hang on, guys.
What's happening?
What?
It's ancient Greek for broken alternator.
They tried telling me.
Move the babe magnet, asswad!
Yeah, asswad!
What's up, bitches?
Why don't you get out
of that honky-ass truck
and come at me like a man?
Start the car, Roosevelt.
Start it! Start the car!
I'm trying. Why must you
always be so confrontational?
Sorry, man.
You know how jacked up I get
the night before a debate.
My God. It's my mom.
Holy crap, that's Mike Puglio.
He's the wedgie king.
Don't answer it!
She's gonna think that something's up.
Something is up.
Hulk like kitty.
- Hey.
- Here, kitty, kitty.
Hey, Mom.
- Hi, hon. How's it going?
- It's going. It's going great.
Exactly as you would
want it to go, so that's good.
Hey! Nice wig, Grandma!
What was that?
That was Albert's horror film.
Doctor's orders.
Yeah.
Hey, Joy. Guess what?
No.
Classic Brueder!
- Step out of the banana wagon!
- Sorry, Mom!
Hands full with putting Albert to bed.
But it's all under control, though,
so you stay out!
Stay out and have fun!
Stay out very late, okay?
What is going on over there?
That's a very, very good pantomime.
Wren, can you hear me?
Do you do theater?
All right, love you. Bye.
- Wait, wait, wait!
- Hulk smash!
- Punch it! Go!
- Go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
That guy
is getting a serious wedgie!
Evasive maneuvers! Hard right!
Hard right!
Dude, where'd they go?
Roosevelt, roll down the window.
Welcome to Captain Chicken.
What be your ahr-derrr?
Have any fat, one-armed
Spider-Men been through here?
Hey, there, little guy.
Where's your family?
Hey! We're gonna be late.
Cover charge goes up in 15 minutes.
Okay.
Look, I got to go,
but I'm not leaving you here by yourself.
You got lD?
I'm just kidding. Come on.
I'm Galaxy Scout. You must be Spidey.
Do you like to dance?
My God.
What are we listening to?
That's my moms'
favorite musical.
Dad? Unlock me.
April, I need your help.
You are my best friend!
Which is why it's my duty
to tell you you are one more
nerd music jam away
from total social suicide!
Bye.
What? Peng!
Stop her! Grab her legs!
I got her! I got her!
Get off of me!
Not tonight. Nothing tonight.
Okay, let me go and I'll let you
touch my boob for 10 seconds.
- Thirty!
- Fifteen.
Twenty and I can pick a cold day.
- Done.
- Ha!
April, come on,
get back in, seriously.
Watch out!
Gotcha, perds!
Thought you ditched us,
didn't you, fartbreath?
They look so mad.
Inside voices, inside voices!
Jump the curb.
I have this.
I did not have it.
Roosevelt, I'm so sorry.
I'll tell your moms it was all my fault.
I made you do it!
No, you didn't make me do anything.
I wanted to.
Really?
You wanted to spend your Halloween
driving all over town
in a rolling "Kick Me" sign?
You wanted to get violated
by a giant pirate bird?
You losers have ruined our social lives!
Peng!
Let's go back to the car.
I can't breathe.
What the...
Wait. Peng.
He's packing heat!
What's he doing?
Hang on there,
little buddy, all right.
You got to give me a fighting chance.
Let's settle this like gentlemen.
We're not even really gentlemen.
We're barely even men.
Hey, Peng, let's just go.
Count us off.
One! Two! Three!
Ignore him, Peng! Just walk away!
Yeah. Losers talk, winners walk, buddy.
Let's go!
Ten!
We have a situation here
involving a musket and a drumstick.
That gun
doesn't even work, Peng.
He is gonna beat the crap out of you!
You're right, man.
Mike!
Dude, dude, dude. Dude.
Dude, it's chicken. Chill out, dude.
It's just chicken.
It's just chicken, man.
Dude, cops. Let's split.
For the record, those were not real tears!
And Captain Chicken,
your food sucks!
Come on, Peng.
We still need to find Albert
and I can't do it without you.
We're a team, okay?
All four of us.
April?
I thought all I wanted
was a night like this,
but we don't belong out here.
What if we do?
Come on, Peng, let's go.
Come on, Peng!
Peng!
Hey. Hey!
Stop the car, Chicken Boy!
Stop! Police! Hey!
- My God! Go, go, go!
- I'm going!
Come on. Come on.
We got T. P.'ed?
What the hell?
- Stacy Lautner's dad?
- Yeah.
She broke my heart.
Vengeance!
Halloween.
Hit the road, Webster.
I'm gonna show you how
big people get their freak on.
But leave the stash!
I've been rippin' and tearin'
since sundown
and I'm feeling a little snacky!
Ooh, twerk it, twerk it!
You're a pig, Jrgen.
Big guy called Jrgen.
He has this big tattoo on his arm
of a dragon smoking a cigarette.
You even smell creepy.
Come on, let's go.
Cruddy.
Over-the-counter crap.
Is there a bathroom?
Do you have a bathroom?
Excuse me. Sorry.
Yo! Real Housewives of Cleveland!
No. I would never be on that show.
Excuse me.
My God.
My God. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to come in...
How good is that book?
Can we...
Can we help you with something?
I was just looking
for a minute by myself
without a party animal
farting in my phone.
Classic Brueder.
No offense.
I mean, your son seems great.
He's an idiot.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Hey, you met. I love this.
Um, quick question.
That rug in the entryway?
How flammable is it?
Is it like fire-retardant
or just regular retardant, or...
Don't even worry about it.
Bee-tee-dubs,
Eddie Oshinki's about to shoot
a ping pong ball out of his whatoosie,
and Keevin really wants you to be there.
It's early in the relationship,
he's still trying to impress her.
Young love, right?
Tea? Anyone?
I would love tea. Thank you.
I'm gonna have to flee to Mexico.
You? I lost my little brother
on Halloween.
They're gonna lock me up for life!
I shot a man!
Actually, you shot a man's chicken.
It's not the same.
What do you want?
- He's here!
- Where?
At the party.
I just saw him a second ago. Hurry.
April found Albert!
They're at Aaron Riley's!
Let's go!
Fuzzy. Bus stop. That way.
So we went to the tow yard
and my car was there.
Spidey wasn't. Where could he be?
Mind telling me
why you were hanging out
with an eight-year-old in the first place?
I was lonely.
Ever since you left,
I've been roommates with my sadness.
Hey, girl, where were you?
Don't ask. I spent my night with Fuzz
trying to find some
one-armed spider-midget.
My God. We know that dude.
We were partying with him.
- You were?
- Yeah, he's awesome.
See, Lara?
It's not like I hang out with
lame eight-year-olds. God!
Where is he now?
I don't know. We lost him.
He was hitting the Rolos pretty hard.
Yeah, that's him.
Hey, ladies, need a ride?
Ew.
Looking good, Lara.
Thank you.
Hey, you take that back right now.
Hey, Lara, is that the guy
who squats when he pees?
- Why would you say that to anybody?
- You do.
I can't believe...
Spidey's stash can.
Spidey.
What kind of crazy shit
are you mixed up in?
I think this is it right here.
Make a right.
Hey.
I heard a rumor you shot
Mike Puglio with a musket.
Ls that true?
Yeah.
My man.
Come on, I want to hear all about it.
Hey, everyone.
This is the guy who shot Puglio.
My God, at last.
I just saw him in the living room.
Come on.
Um...
Good idea. We'll split up,
cover more ground that way.
So?
Are you blind? On the stage. Over there.
Check, one, two. Check, check.
I can't believe I actually
thought you found my brother.
Really? Because I totally tried
to make it sound like that on purpose.
You look so familiar.
Were you standing behind me in line
for a mammogram last week?
I think I was, actually.
I did get a mammogram last week, so...
Does everything come out okay?
Yes. Yes, they're...
Thank you. How are yours?
Me, too. I'm good.
Good, good, good.
How'd you meet Keevin?
I met him
at the Starbucks on Shattuck.
We go there.
My son loves Caramel Macchiatos
and that's Keevin's specialty.
- You have a son?
- Yep.
I have a son and a daughter.
Two children. And yet you date Keevin?
Larry.
No, we... l mean, we're not all...
Where's your husband?
For Christ's sake.
Lawrence Reuben Brueder.
I am sorry. He's so nosey.
He's been watching a lot
of Dr. Drew lately.
It's okay. He's dead, actually. He died.
He passed away, and so, um...
You miss him?
Um...
Yeah, I miss my husband.
I miss him a lot.
You know, he was... He was my husband
and so I'm kind of alone.
I have the kids there,
but that's not really comforting
because I'm their mother
and I kind of have to take care
of them all the time.
And my son doesn't really
talk a lot to people.
And then my daughter is talking about
going to school in New York City
and she wants to run across the country,
which is really terrifying to me
because then
she's not gonna be near me
and I don't know how quickly
this all happened
because it feels like she was just a baby
a couple of months ago.
You know, these are things
that happen to people,
and a lot of people
don't even understand
what it's like to be a single mother.
A lot of people don't even get it.
And I'm a single mother. You know?
I'm a single mother, and I'm sitting here
in a Britney Spears costume
at a party with a son of yours
that lives with you.
So, yeah, I miss my husband. I miss him.
What is that tea? It's so good.
I suppose you want
to get back to the kids.
I do, actually.
Come on, Albert, pick up. Pick up.
Yeah.
Hey, whoa, hey!
It's Fuzzy. What's up, man?
I can't believe I found you.
What up, dawg?
Bam. Okay, good.
Follow-up question.
What are you doing in the back
of Jrgen's car?
Do you have any idea
how dangerous that is?
Are you out of your mind?
I like it. It shows gumption.
You got a lot of moxie, kid,
I'll give you that. Bam.
Stash can. Thought you might
like to see that one. Good.
This Jrgen character has taken
a dump on both of us.
But tonight,
tonight, we dump on him.
Guess what's in here?
It's not French fries.
That's dog poo, professional grade.
Come on, look, it's short notice, okay?
Everyone has really tiny dogs these days.
I had to go
to multiple houses just to get this.
I mean, it doesn't even smell.
I don't know what
those people are feeding their dogs.
What do you got in there?
Fireworks! Very nice.
Yeah.
Who's there?
Yeah.
Yeah, Spidey, come on, let's go.
Spidey, come on.
Come on, Spidey. Spidey?
Hot foot! You think I was born yesterday?
You're gonna have to come
at old Jrgen with something
a little more than a burning bag of...
Ooh!
You!
Jeez! You, come here!
Come here! You!
You little twerp, come here! Come here!
Come here! Stop kicking me! Jeez!
Come on, Fuzzy. Spidey needs you.
Why can't I move?
Stop biting! Stop biting!
Hey.
So...
I was planning to wait
till first snowfall, but...
I think I'd like to collect
on our deal right now.
Go for it.
- Seriously?
- Twenty seconds, no honking.
You know, I think
I'm gonna come in lefty.
My God.
You're an angel.
You're a glorious angel.
How long was that?
That was...
Enough.
Sir, I know I called before,
but could you please
check lock-up one more time?
There's a very real chance
that he's been arrested.
Hello?
Hey.
Hi.
How's it going?
This morning, all I wanted was
to get away from my little brother, and...
Now that I've lost him,
I'd do anything to get him back.
You will.
Are you sure?
I mean, as E.O. Wilson says,
"You are capable
of more than you know."
Of course, he was talking about ants
being able to carry 10 times
their body weight.
So I'm not really sure
if it's applicable to this situation.
Thank you for helping me tonight.
I hope I didn't ruin your Halloween.
What? No.
I never miss an opportunity to hang out
with a fellow fan of the Supreme Court.
Listen, I know this year's
probably sucked for you.
I just wanted to say,
the way that you've
handled everything has been
really impressive.
Thank you.
You know, as much as I admire
Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
I think you're just as smart and strong
and awesome as she is.
Not quite as sexy, but,
you know, you're young. You'll get there.
Seriously,
Wren, I, um... l just wanted to say...
There you are!
Wren...
I'm really sorry about everything.
I'm sorry about losing Albert.
I'm sorry about leaving you
at Captain Chicken.
Be warned, it's about
to get really girly up in here.
Okay.
We haven't had
a super fun night in a long time, and...
I don't know. I just wanted it to be epic.
And maybe I got a little carried away.
You're my best friend, boo. I love you.
I love you, too.
I love you, too.
Meow!
What were you two doing out here?
Nothing.
We were just...
- Talking.
- Don't care.
And now the best part is
Aaron Riley is totally
gearing up right now
to sing a song about you.
- Really?
- Yes, really.
Come on, lady.
You're not in Kansas anymore.
This song goes out
to a special lady. Wren Desantis.
And, please, people,
no recording devices.
I can't afford to have bootlegs out there.
Something about the way your hair.
Falls across your face.
Your ears I want to nibble.
Your lips I want to taste
I only see you in homeroom.
But I think of you all day.
Homeroom lady
I wonder what Roosevelt
was about to say?
He's so nice and funny and smart.
Wait a minute.
It's Aaron Riley!
Focus.
How could someone be so hot?
Do you love me?
Do you not?
Do you?
Part of me really wanted
to believe that if I kissed Aaron Riley,
I'd be somebody else.
Not just for a night, but forever.
And my family would be back to normal,
and everything would be perfect.
I'm sorry.
What's your problem,
- Dora the Explorer?
- Excuse me, sorry.
But then I realized,
perfect is an illusion.
Just like Oz is for Dorothy.
L...
I really appreciate you
writing that song for me.
But
I have to go.
So,
goodbye,
Aaron Riley.
I feel like my heart just broke.
Aww.
Who else wants to kiss me?
- I do!
- Me!
I do!
Roosevelt!
Roosevelt! Wait!
Wait!
What? You called me. Who is this?
This is Jrgen. I got Spidey.
My God! Albert?
You are such a lifesaver.
Where are you?
Wait, it doesn't matter.
I don't have a car.
Do you think maybe
you could drop him off?
Maybe you don't understand.
See, Spidey thought it'd be a fun idea
to leave me a shit bomb.
You know what that is?
It's shit with a bomb in it!
Now, I got a match next week!
Do you hear me?
What do you want?
Cash.
The fight paid $200 if I lost,
$400 if I won.
Let's say I would have won.
I don't have that kind of money.
I only get $20 a week.
Hey, I don't care.
You got the cash?
Where is he?
Albert, are you okay?
Albert!
Whoa.
You know, playing pranks on
Halloween is one thing.
But a bomb like that, that's terrorism.
Tiny terrorism.
I'm so sorry about your foot.
I'm sure that he didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been training for months.
Do you have any idea what a strict diet
of protein shakes
and Red Bull does to a man?
I have a yeast infection.
I don't have the money.
Well, police it is.
No, please!
Please.
He's all I have left.
Do you have Licensed To III?
The Beastie Boys?
Sister, I was rocking Brass Monkey
when you were still a tadpole
in your daddy's sack.
Look at the liner notes.
Hello? Can you speak?
Please hold.
You're putting us on hold?
Right there. It says "Peter Desantis."
That's my dad.
And this,
this is Mike D's.
You don't expect me
to believe that's Mike D's.
My dad was a sound engineer
in New York.
He worked on their album.
Mike D left his jacket
in the studio on the last day,
so my dad just kept it.
Kind of like I did.
After he died.
Look at the stitching.
Well, I appreciate the donation,
but some kids just belong in prison.
Let's go.
What?
- Let's go!
- No! What do you mean?
- I mean, let's go!
- No, you said... Albert!
No, stop!
Albert! Let go of me!
Yeah!
What the hell?
Who wants some?
Albert!
My beans!
Yeah!
Sir? Still holding,
and I really need to go to the bathroom.
Albert!
Come on. Let's go.
No, Albert!
Come here, boy!
Albert!
Where are you going?
Come on, Albert, hurry!
Come on, Spidey,
I got you covered!
Hi.
Hello. I'm here to rescue you.
Trick or treat, bitch!
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
Okay.
I'm... What are you doing?
I'm saving the day.
I'm sorry, who are you?
Sorry. My name's Fuzzy.
- Ooh. Yeah.
- Okay, this...
Sorry, you have bad timing.
- They're getting closer, you know.
- Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Hey, Spidey.
When you're ready to talk,
I'm around to listen.
Thanks for helping a brother out tonight.
Okay.
Bam.
Slam dunk.
Hey. Whoo! Over here!
Hey, coppers! I'm crazy!
- It's a naked man!
- Go!
I'm naked! Come get me, coppers!
I'm a loon!
Come on. Let's go.
You'll never take me alive!
Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
It has to be
the best one we've done.
For sure. In this series.
Well, you know why?
Because our heart is in this one.
Yeah. And it's evolved.
It's evolved, our understanding of it.
Our understanding evolved.
Roosevelt?
- Is everything okay?
- Where have you been?
I messed up, Moms. I messed up bad.
Ba-b-b-b-b!
No, No, I can't.
I'm not gonna say it in Greek or Aramaic
or any other pre-Christian language.
Okay. You know that girl, Wren?
I blew it.
I mean, we drove around all night
looking for her little brother.
And, the Volvo, it's dead.
It's totaled. It's gone.
- What?
- What?
- It's dead.
- What did you...
And after everything,
she goes for this guy, Aaron,
who can't even play a proper C chord.
Roosevelt, we are
so disappointed in you.
I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be sick.
Barb?
I know. I'm sorry. I'll
pay off every penny.
Yeah. Yeah, you will.
But I don't give a rat's patootie
about the Volvo.
In fact,
the fact that you're here
in the creamy, milky flesh
means the unibody
construction did its job.
Did we bring you up to quit?
Did we bring you up to run away
with your tail between
your legs every time
some hot Fonzie with a guitar
woos your girl?
Anything in this world worth
having is worth fighting for.
Yeah, well, not actual fighting, of course.
Figurative. We don't condone
violence outside of the dojo.
- Come on, Barb.
- Right. Of course.
Of course.
If you really care about her, honey,
you need to tell her that.
You want me to call her for you?
Barb.
No. Thanks. That's great advice.
Let him do his own work.
Okay? This is his thing.
It's hard! He's getting old.
She called me. Hold on.
Hey, Roosevelt, it's Wren.
I found Albert, but unfortunately
my mom's going
to get home before we do.
Which means she'll either kill me
or I'll be grounded until I'm 93.
Either way, I want to thank you
for everything you did tonight.
And I wish things had turned
out differently, because
you're awesome. And... Yeah, okay.
Bye.
- What's she saying? What'd she say?
- Listen.
He will tell you
when he's ready to tell you.
What did she say?
No, look, just she needs me. Okay?
Can I borrow the other car?
My dad
was always into pulling pranks.
That's where Albert gets it.
The two of them loved Halloween
because they had free rein
to get into as much trouble as possible.
Well, that, and they both loved candy.
Albert was never as happy
as when he was
trick-or-treating with Dad.
So, it seemed only right
that since Dad couldn't
take him this year,
the least I could do was
bring Albert to see him.
Wren?
Yes, Albert?
Thanks.
Honey, we're home.
Mrs. Desantis? Stop right there.
I cannot let you enter this house.
Why? Who the hell are you?
Roosevelt.
Friend of Wren's?
Never been mentioned?
That's okay.
I mean, 'cause before tonight,
I've never really done
anything worthy of her taking notice.
That's a sweet story, and one that
I'm not really that interested in hearing.
I've been up all night
and I really need to get some sleep.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
I'm a single mother.
It's 5:30 in the morning.
And you really don't
wanna mess with me.
Someone is counting on me,
and I'm not letting her down,
so maybe you don't
wanna mess with me.
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
You can inflict whatever
physical pain you want,
which is considerable,
as is your knowledge of pressure points.
But I'm not going anywhere.
Mrs. Desantis, tonight was
the best night of my life.
I lied to my moms for the first time ever.
I trashed our Volvo.
My best friend shot
another man's drumstick.
The cops are probably after us.
And I'm gonna have to get a part-time job
at Captain Chicken just
to pay off the damage I caused.
But I wouldn't trade a minute of it,
'cause I got to spend it with Wren.
And I love her.
I'm in love with your daughter.
- I take it you know this kid?
- Yes.
Yes. I do.
Wren. Ls that you?
Hello, Wren. Don't worry.
As you can see,
I have the situation in hand.
Your mother has not entered the house.
Put your head back down.
Why does this kid not want to let me in?
I'll explain later.
Okay. Well, he is kind of cute.
It was nice to meet you, Roosevelt.
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Desantis.
Come on, Albert.
It was awkward, but memorable.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
But more importantly,
I mean, you found Albert.
- And your mom.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we sort of bumped
into her on the way home.
Sorry.
Don't be. I'm glad I'm here.
You are?
'Cause now I can do this.
Hey, Fuzz.
Denise, hey.
Big night last night?
Huge night, actually.
I finally opened my eyes and realized
that Lara and I are not meant to be.
At all. Which is just a big
one for me to take, 'cause...
No, I meant, did you ever find
that little Spider-dude?
Yeah, Spidey. Yeah, totally.
Saved his life. No big deal.
It happens. Kind of how I roll.
Wait, is that the new issue?
It's sold out everywhere.
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
It's on the house.
- Really?
- Yeah.
A fellow fan of Galaxy Scout.
- Wow, thanks, Fuzz.
- No problem.
See you around?
See ya.
Hey, Denise?
What do you think about maybe
you, me and Spidey
hanging out whatever?
Sure. Maybe just you and me?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Just the two of us.
Nice. Okay.
I have nothing to read now.
We're sure gonna miss her. Albert?
Candy pancakes with a side
of airhead bacon.
Yeah. Most people
do leftovers on Thanksgiving.
Our family does Halloween.
Amazing! Albert made these?
My compliments to the chef.
Where is the little guy?
I don't know.
He was just here a second ago.
Maybe you could do
an explaining rap, too.
My God.
- He did not.
- I told you so!
I mean, maybe sometimes
April knows something.
Everything we worked for
last night is ruined.
Maybe you could do
an explaining rap, too.
Wren?
I'm E.O. Wilson and I'm a scientist
I study ants and stuff if you get the gist
I'm about as cool as a guy can get.
Think Jason Bourne with a butterfly net.
Praying mantis Praying mantis.
The turtle, the turtle.
Don't do that.
What?
Ew!
Albert!
Everyone thinks I don't talk.
But actually,
I've been pranking my mom
for the past six months.
Hello?
This is Verizon calling.
Your phone has been reported faulty
and needs to be tested by
our voice recognition system.
Could you please repeat a few phrases?
Okay.
I like cheese.
I like cheese?
My poops are big and hearty.
My poops... Wait, who is this?
This is your great-uncle Vindaloo
from Czechoslovakia.
My who?
Great-uncle Vindaloo.
Vindaloo. Vindaloo!
I have moved to Cleveland
and am on my way to your house
so I can live in the basement.
I think you have the wrong number.
Joy Desantis?
I'm staring at a photo of you as a baby.
Okay, this is just weird.
Hello.
Hello?
Hello, dear,
this is the brassiere
department at Marshalls calling.
The bras you ordered are here.
However, they're so small,
we can't seem to find them anywhere.
You must have very tiny boobs.
Albert! Ls this you?