FUNNY FARM
[CHATTERING]
MAN 1:
Oh, no. Here comes a speech.
MAN 2:
Just when I started to enjoy myself.
[CHUCKLING]
Andy...
...all my life I've dreamed of...
...packing up and leaving the city
and the newspaper business behind.
What stopped you, Jack?
Give it a shot.
And moving to some quiet little town
in the country...
...and putting down on paper...
...the novel I know I have inside of me.
MAN 3:
That's not a novel, Jack. It's heartburn.
[LAUGHING]
But for one reason or another,
I never followed that dream.
MAN 2:
No talent.
And to be honest with myself,
I probably never will.
Thank God for that.
But you are, Andy.
You're gonna live out
that dream for me...
...and possibly for every man
seated around this table.
MAN 4:
Not me.
So, Andy, I believe...
...I speak to the feelings
in all our hearts when I say to you:
"You son of a bitch."
[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
Seriously...
...we'll miss you, Andy.
Good sports writers are hard to find.
- Lord knows, I have never found one.
MAN 2: Hey, hey, hey.
Well, I guess I wouldn't be much of
a newspaper man if I didn't know that...
...all of this cynicism merely masks
deeper feelings of resentment and envy.
But seriously, this is really great and...
...I'm touched.
HARRY: Hey, Andy.
- What's the book gonna be about?
- About 300 pages, Harry.
Show them the check, Andy.
Merely an advance...
...of $10,000.
- Oh, that should cover your airfare back.
As the heir apparent
to your Giants season tickets...
...I wish you all the success in the world.
HARRY:
Don't get your hopes up, Ray.
He'll be back before the preseason ends,
if he goes at all.
No, I don't think so.
This move is for keeps.
That's what Billy Martin said.
Elizabeth and I have made a commitment.
- We're even gonna start a family.
- My God. More Andy Farmers.
HARRY: Yeah, give it a shot.
- So even if I wanted to move back...
...Elizabeth would never let us.
- All set?
- Yes.
Give me a kiss.
We're off.
Redbud, here we come.
Hey, there's our movers.
[HORN HONKING]
Hey, fellas!
See you up there!
- Who the hell was that?
- How should I know?
Elizabeth?
Look at these. These are even better.
- Oh, by far. Mm-hm.
- Shh-shh-shh.
[FLY BUZZING]
[CREAKING]
[SAWING]
Let's get out of here.
- This is the best one yet.
- We can trade it for a "railroad crossing."
Woo-hoo!
Am I crazy or is it even prettier
than when we bought it?
No. You're right.
I am right, it is prettier.
[DUCKS QUACKING]
And, look, the ducks are still here.
ELIZABETH:
I think they must live here, Andy.
That means they're ours.
How about that, Elizabeth?
We own ducks.
We're duck owners.
I bet I could reach in there
with my bare hands and pull out a fish.
Come on, let's go inside.
[FLY BUZZING]
Wait. This is our first real house.
I'll carry you in.
[GROANS]
ELIZABETH: I heard that.
- Nonsense. You're light as a feather.
[ELIZABETH SCREAMS]
Jeez!
Honey! Oh, God, are you all right?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, baby. It's that damn door.
ELIZABETH:
Oh!
Sweetie pie, I'm sorry.
- Are you better? Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Well...
...welcome to our new home.
Come on.
I wonder how long it would take
for an ambulance to reach us out here.
Let me see that map again.
Which way does it go?
Don't ask me. I'm the assistant.
Where's north? Which is south?
Maybe this.
Who the hell drew this map?
Juice is on.
Water's on. Everything's on track in here.
No phone.
No phone.
They didn't install the phone.
They were supposed to install
a sandstone-beige wall phone...
...next to this window.
- I don't get it.
I ordered that phone in writing a month
in advance. I paid a $50 deposit.
Be that as it may, Andy,
there's no telephone in this kitchen.
Well, 200 years ago, the settlers lived
their entire lives without telephones.
We can manage a day or two
till I get this straightened out.
Okay. Then let's get something to eat.
You can't be hungry already.
Honey, we ate hours ago.
As soon as the movers arrive and unload,
we'll zip into Redbud...
...for an old-fashioned home-cooked meal.
Whatever you say.
Hey, Mac. Which way to Redbud?
How'd you know my name was Mac?
Just guessed.
Then why don't you guess
your way to Redbud?
Elizabeth?
ELIZABETH:
Yeah.
My writing room.
Tell me what you think.
Originally I thought I should put my desk
here so I could look out over the pond.
Then I thought,
no, too many distractions.
So I should put the desk over here
facing this way...
...and I can put the bookshelves
over there. What do you think?
[BIRD CHIRPING]
- Well, I'll tell you what.
- Shh-shh-shh.
Come here, look at this.
What is that, a finch? A lark?
I think it's a sparrow, Andy.
It's perfect.
Isn't it perfect, Elizabeth?
A bird's nest right outside
my writing room window.
Oh, Andy. I don't think I've ever
seen you this happy before.
Well, why shouldn't I be happy?
We bought a house in the country.
Gonna write my novel.
We're gonna start a new family.
When was the last time we horsed around
in the middle of the day?
Six years ago when we were both
down with the flu.
That's too long.
Now?
- Here?
- Mm-hm.
Yes, on both counts.
ELIZABETH:
Shouldn't we wait for the bed to arrive?
ANDY: Oh, no. The settlers 200 years ago
never needed beds.
ELIZABETH:
No sense breaking with tradition now.
[HORN HONKING]
ANDY:
Listen.
What was that?
I didn't hear anything.
[HORN HONKING]
ANDY:
No.
It's them.
The movers are here.
Terrific.
Maybe now we can eat.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Andy?
Hey. Andy?
Andy, look out!
[PETREE CACKLING]
- Honey, are you all right?
- Jesus. What the hell was that?
Who was that maniac?
What is it, a death threat?
No, it's a letter...
...addressed to the people we bought
the house from, the Musselmans.
- A letter?
- This is mail, Andy.
That maniac is our mailman.
I guess there's a lot we'll have to
get used to around here.
But I bet those are just the things
we come to love the mo...
What was that for?
A mosquito.
Honest.
Let me have a try.
Pardon me, sir.
- Could you give us some assistance, please?
- Yeah. Glad to help.
We're looking for Dog Creek Road.
That would be near the town of Redbud.
If I was going to Dog Creek Road,
I sure as hell wouldn't start from here.
But supposing you had to?
Well, then I'd swing around and go back
the way you came.
But this time, turn right
where the old Hollenshed barn used to be.
Then about five miles
before the road dead-ends, veer left...
...and follow the railroad tracks
straight into a town called Beaver Mills.
Or you could take the bridge at the fork in
the road and save yourself a heap of time.
But I wouldn't go that way if I were you.
This ain't a bridge.
- It's termites holding hands.
- We're going over it.
Not me. I wouldn't go over this thing
on a skateboard.
We're going over it. Have faith
in the craftsmanship of our forefathers.
Your forefathers, not my forefathers.
Oh, Lord.
[CREAKING]
This is insane. What are we doing, man?
We're just movers.
That's all. We're just movers.
No one gets paid for this shit.
Go back, go back, go back!
Go back, go back, go back.
It's over. It's over, man.
- Forefathers, my ass!
- Shut up. You're making me nervous.
Any sign of them?
Nope.
I think it's gonna be a sneak attack.
Where'd you get that?
From the picnic basket.
Anything else?
No. This was the last of it.
One banana.
- That's all. I'm sorry.
- No.
I thought I saw an apple.
Nope. Just this.
CROCKER:
Mickey?
MICKEY: Yeah.
CROCKER: You still got that map?
MICKEY: Yeah.
CROCKER: Don't lose it.
It might be the piece of evidence
that gets me off a murder charge.
MICKEY:
Who you gonna kill, Crocker?
CROCKER:
The son of a bitch who drew that map.
[KNOCKING ON FLOOR]
ELIZABETH: When they say
hardwood floors, what they really mean is...
...hard, wood floors.
ANDY: Oh, it's not so bad. It's warm
in here. We have a roof over our heads.
Think about the settlers 200 years ago.
They slept under the stars
and bathed in icy streams.
And they lived to an average age of 29.
Come here.
Close your eyes
and try to get some sleep.
[ELIZABETH HUMMING]
[CRUNCHES]
[CRUNCHING]
[FLY BUZZING]
Hey.
[TRUCK APPROACHING]
They're here.
Be civil.
Well, it's about time!
Where the hell have you guys been?
Oh, man.
- You hear that?
- Didn't hear a thing.
ANDY: I'll have somebody's ass for this!
- Perhaps you heard that.
- Nope.
- You're a day late, damn it!
We had to sleep on the floor last night!
Where the hell have you idiots been?
- Or that?
- I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss.
I have a contract. Says if you're late,
you get a rebate. Well, you guys are late.
And I want more than a rebate.
I want a goddamn refund!
Somebody answer me!
- We got lost.
- Lost?
How could you get lost?
I drew you a map!
Okay. That's more like it.
- Now we're getting somewhere.
- This one?
Good choice.
Follow me.
Okay, that goes in my writing room.
It's on the second floor,
last room on the left.
That is top-quality leather.
Watch it going up the stairs.
Also, we just had the floors done
so I don't want scratches and scrapes.
Just take it easy on the floors, okay?
Hey! Fella, hey!
Wait!
Stop!
You slept on the floor, huh?
We slept outside
with the bugs and the wild animals.
A bridge nearly killed us.
Nobody knows where the hell Redbud is.
And we haven't eaten since yesterday.
So stay the hell out of our way
and keep your mouth shut!
Sounds fair.
[WATER SQUISHES]
ELIZABETH:
How's it going?
Fine. Great.
ELIZABETH:
That's good.
Well, back to work.
[BIRD CHIRPING]
[WHISTLING]
Yeah.
[SNORING]
[THUDDING]
ELIZABETH: Hey, Andy?
- What?
Come down here, Andy! Hurry!
[GRUNTING]
ELIZABETH:
Andy?
- Andy?
- What?
- I found the phone.
- Good.
Call the movers. I'm not spending
another night in this house.
- Why? What happened?
- There's a coffin in the garden.
- Operator.
ANDY: Sheriff's office, please.
Yes, sir. I can connect you with the sheriff
if you will kindly deposit 20 cents.
- This isn't a pay phone.
- Please, sir.
Deposit 20 cents in the slot
and I'll complete your call as requested.
You don't understand. This is Mr. Farmer.
We just moved into the Musselman place.
You were supposed to install
a wall phone in the kitchen.
Please, sir, just drop a couple of dimes
in the slot...
...and I will happily complete your call
as requested.
What slot? There is no slot.
Haven't you been listening?
This is not a pay phone! This is a goddamn
1948 table model with a 12" cord...
...that some jackass put in my cabinet!
Disconnect. Vulgar and abusive language,
that's an automatic disconnect.
- Operator.
ANDY: Yes, hello.
This is Dr. Grail from the...
...Utilities Commission. May I speak with
the sheriff? We have a fire. It's urgent.
Nice try, Mr. Farmer.
Sheriff's office, please.
You gotta get up earlier in the morning
than that, Farmer.
I know the sound of two pennies being
dropped into a jelly jar when I hear it.
Listen to me. This is Elizabeth Farmer.
We have a corpse in the garden. Now
get ahold of the sheriff this very minute.
DIRK:
Yup.
That's a casket, all right.
See? It's nothing to be upset about. It's out
of the ground. It'll be gone in a moment.
What's this gonna cost me, fellas?
Dirk, what is our charge
for excavating mortal remains?
I guess we better bill them by the pound.
Careful, boy.
Don't look.
Take a look at this.
That's Claude Musselman.
- I recognize the glass eye.
- I knew it.
I knew Eula would get
the last word in somehow.
What do you mean?
Claude used to alley-cat around town
with a widow named Dorita Freeburger.
When he died, he left the house to Eula...
...and $10,000 to Dorita.
I guess that made Eula mad enough
to stuff Claude in this...
...cheap pine box
and plant him in the garden.
Having the last word's
real important around here.
Boys, take him over to the cemetery
and I'll see that he gets a proper burial.
LON:
Right away.
Ma'am, could I trouble you for
a shovel and some plastic GLAD Bags?
I'll get them.
ANDY:
Thanks for all your trouble.
I'd say the worst is behind you now,
but be careful where you dig in the future.
I believe Claude had a mule
that's still unaccounted for.
ANDY:
Thanks for the tip.
LEDBETTER:
Any other problems, just let me know.
ANDY: No, I think that'll do it.
- No.
No. No, it won't.
Our mailman tried to run us down with his
truck and threw our mail out into the road.
You're on Crum Petree's route,
aren't you?
The problem is, your place is five miles
off his regular route.
By the time he gets all the way out to here,
he's pretty well liquored up and pissed off.
My advice is...
...learn to live with it.
- Well, I'll have a talk with him.
- Yes. You do that, Mr. Farmer.
You two have yourselves a nice little chat.
Ike, let's go.
Thank you, ma'am.
Does the sheriff always ride around
in a taxi?
Yup. Ever since he
flunked his driving test.
ELIZABETH:
Andy, have we made a terrible mistake?
ANDY:
Of course not.
I know things haven't gone
completely according to plan so far.
We just have to adjust our thinking.
We didn't move here
for a change of scenery, did we?
No.
We moved here for a change of heart.
But it's gonna take a little effort
on our parts.
Come on, what do you say?
Give it a chance.
Okay.
I'll make an effort.
- I promise.
- Good.
[CHIRPING]
[WHISTLING]
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]
I'm gonna do a little fishing.
[WHISTLES]
I'm going fishing.
- Done writing?
- I'm taking a break.
I thought I'd try my luck at the pond,
maybe catch us some lunch.
Great. Have fun.
How are you doing?
[WHISTLES]
- How are you doing?
- Me? I'm doing great.
I love the country.
Sorry, fellas.
Hey, honey?
I got one.
Where you going? Where you going?
You wanna fight, do you?
Christ! Get it off!
Get... Elizabeth! Elizabeth!
[YELLING]
It's caught on me! Elizabeth!
Oh, no.
Honey.
[ELIZABETH SCREAMS]
It's all my fault. I've been so busy writing,
I didn't realize how cooped up you've been.
We're gonna get out
and make some friends, circulate.
Become part of the community.
Hm?
- I guess.
- That's a girl.
"Founder's Day picnic. Softball."
Sounds like fun.
- Wanna go?
- Don't think so.
There's an antique store.
"Ethel Dinges Antiques."
Let's take a look.
Hon, you know you don't enjoy
this sort of thing.
- You go to the ball game. I'll find you later.
- No, I don't mind.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Well, okay.
- Here, you keep the car.
- Okay.
- Take your time.
- All right.
- See you at the picnic.
- Okay.
- Here you go. Thank you.
- Thanks.
Two hot dogs, please.
BOY 1: You might as well pay.
BOY 2: I'll beat you.
[CHATTERING]
MAN 1:
Go, go, go.
- Yeah!
- Let's get them, Redbud.
MAN 2:
Come on, let's go. One more.
Good job, Redbud.
MAN 3: All right.
- Second base.
Let's get the batter up.
Play ball!
Strike!
Lotterhand, what day is it?
Come on, Redbud!
Strike!
Here we go.
Come on. Put it in there.
All right. Yeah.
I got it.
Strike three.
Gee. Sorry, Marion.
Run, you idiot, run!
He dropped the third strike!
Somebody pick up the ball!
Somebody get the ball!
What the hell is this?
Gus called three strikes.
WOMAN:
Somebody pick up the damn ball!
Safe!
MAN 1: What's the matter with you,
are you blind?
GUS: I call them as I see them.
MAN 2: He's got the ball here...
GUS:
Get an ambulance.
WOMAN: If you have any questions,
feel free to ask.
- This is nice.
- Isn't it, though?
That belonged to my sister.
She's dead.
Oh, sorry.
We were very close.
This cup is all I have to remember her by.
Everything else was lost in the explosion.
This is perfect.
How much are you asking?
That belonged to my husband.
It was his favorite chair.
He would come home
from a hard day on the railroad...
...and just rock and rock.
I can almost see him in it now.
I don't believe...
...a soul has sat in that chair...
...since the day his heart attacked him.
WOMAN: lt'll be all right.
BOY: Ma, is he dead?
[SIREN WAILING]
Well, that's that.
Forget the fishing derby, boys.
- How come?
- Without Marion, we're a man short.
Rules say four men in a boat.
ANDY:
I'm glad to help out, fellas.
I hope this won't take too long.
My wife's gonna come down... Ah!
Hey!
You must be new to Redbud.
Just moved up from New York.
How do you like it so far?
Oh, it's lovely.
No, that's not true. It's just awful.
Everything just seems to be going wrong.
Bugs...
...snakes...
...dead bodies.
- Oh, dear.
We had such high hopes.
Of course you did. Of course you did.
Everything will work out. You'll see.
Why don't we sit down here...
...and I'll make us a nice
cold pitcher of iced tea.
No, I don't wanna trouble you.
Nonsense. Now you sit down here
and I'll be right back.
- Ah!
- What is it?
He won't hurt you, dear. He's stuffed.
He... He just startled me, that's all.
- I'll take him away.
- No, no.
No, I'm all right now.
I'll be right back.
Oh, boy.
[YELLS]
Jesus, Brock, I'm sorry!
ANDY: What happened?
- I hooked his neck.
No, don't pull on it.
You'll rip his damn veins out.
He'll bleed to death.
Take it easy. You're just making it worse.
- Let me see it!
- Stay away from me.
- We gotta get the hook out. Hold still!
- Get away! Get away!
- You've got to hold still!
- Get away from me!
- Gotta knock him out.
- What?
It's the only way to get the hooks out.
Sorry, Brock, it's for your own good.
Will you cut that out?
- You bastard!
HANK: It's not working.
You're not knocking him out,
you're beating him up.
- Sons of bitches!
- Hold still!
- He sure is tough.
- Somebody else take a swing.
I only hooked him in the neck,
I'm not trying to kill him.
[REEL WHIRRING]
- Help me pull his hands away from his face.
- Hey, I got a strike.
I'm gonna kill you for this.
I'm sorry, Brock.
It's for your own good.
[YELLS]
Oh, Jesus. Fellas, I'm sorry!
That's cold.
Hey, look.
It fell out.
- No need to thank me.
- Grab him.
- I was only trying to help.
- He's mine.
If you come to get me, I'll be ready!
I don't work! I don't sleep!
Damn.
LEDBETTER:
Mrs. Farmer? Mrs. Farmer?
I've been looking for you, Mrs. Farmer.
Can I speak to you for a minute?
I got something here for you,
Mrs. Farmer.
Try again tomorrow, sheriff?
Hello, sheriff. What is it?
The bill for Claude Musselman's funeral.
Four thousand dollars?
I'd call it a bargain. He got the most
scenic plot in Memorial Cemetery.
For $4,000, we could have had him
stuffed and mounted over the fireplace.
I thought you'd wanna give him
the best burial money could buy.
Frankly, I don't see how any of this
is our respons...
- Can we discuss this some other time?
- lf you like.
I'll take it up with my husband
the moment he dries out.
Just remember, Mrs. Farmer,
when you buy a house...
...what's in the ground belongs to you,
whether it's gold or oil...
...or Claude Musselman.
- You wanna talk about it?
- No.
Then take a look at this.
Four thousand dollars?
It's itemized.
"One satin-lined casket, $2525?
One Italian marble headstone, $1,200?
Reverend Cobb's sermon, one...
Traffic control"?
What? What?
So such for getting out
and making friends.
Hey, wait. Stop, go back.
Go back.
If I can't make a friend,
I'll goddamn buy one.
We're home, boy. Out you go.
[BARKING]
Hey, hey. Get away from those ducks.
Hell of a dog.
It sure likes to run.
Yo! Hey!
Dog!
Hey! Hey!
Come back! Dog!
[WHISTLES]
Come on! Come!
Ah!
Stay here.
Maybe our homeowner's policy
will cover it.
- Well?
- Vanished without a trace.
I must have covered 10 square miles.
This has been one hell of a day.
And it isn't over yet.
They installed the kitchen phone
while we were gone.
Well, thank God
something's gone right today.
Does it work?
- I don't know. I didn't try it.
- Why not?
I didn't have any change.
- Are you feeling better now?
- Yeah.
- You?
- Yeah.
- You wanna horse around?
- Yeah.
[DOG BARKING]
Hey.
[WHISTLES]
Hey! Dog!
[HORN HONKING]
[TRUCK BACKFIRING]
[PETREE CACKLING]
I'm not giving up!
You're not dealing
with some ignorant hick here!
Heading south for the winter, eh?
[GUNSHOTS]
Welcome back, fellas.
Oh, hold on one second.
Are you there? Okay.
[WHISTLING]
You look beautiful.
Happy anniversary.
- Ready for a big night on the town?
- Mm-hm.
But before we go,
I have something for you.
So do I. It's right here.
But I'm saving it for later.
Mine's on the porch. You can have it now.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
No peeking.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
Is it alive?
[ELIZABETH LAUGHS]
This one's guaranteed not to run away.
What's his name?
That's up to you.
Hello, Yellow Dog.
He's beautiful. I love him. Thank you.
ANDY: We could plant corn back there.
There's plenty of room.
ELIZABETH: Or pumpkins.
ANDY: Pumpkins would be great.
More lamb fries.
Eat them while they're hot.
Andy, that's your third order.
I am hooked, Elizabeth.
Call me Mr. Lamb Fries.
Now there's a man who knows when
he's got something good in his mouth.
You polish off that plate
and you'll break the record, 28.
That one makes 26.
Stand back, everybody.
The record falls tonight.
Look at him go.
I believe he's right.
I believe that record will fall tonight.
- Twenty-seven.
- It's stood at 28 for nearly two years now.
That long? Go for it, Andrew.
- Twenty-eight.
- That's a tie.
Twenty-nine!
The new record!
And he's still going.
I thought that record
was gonna last forever.
Most folks just don't seem to have
a taste for testicles no more.
ELIZABETH: Testicles?
- Yes, ma'am. Sheep balls.
[FORK CLATTERS]
IVY: That's right.
- Tell him why yours is so tasty.
Well, the trick is you've got to
clip them off way up high.
Uh-oh. Looks like we got trouble here.
I knew you should've explained
these things better in the menu.
Don't be strangers now, you hear?
What is this?
Oh, just part of your anniversary present.
I thought we could use
a night away from home.
ELIZABETH:
I didn't pack anything.
I thought of that.
You devil.
- Are you sure you're feeling better now?
- Oh, fine. I feel great.
This is so romantic.
Why don't you make a fire?
First...
...open this.
Go ahead, open it.
It's my novel, Elizabeth. The Big Heist.
The first few chapters, anyway.
Oh, Andy.
That manuscript is the whole reason
we moved to the country.
It's good? You really think it's good?
Well, read it and tell me.
Now? Tonight?
Yes, of course.
What, with you watching me?
Well, I'll make a fire and you read.
Honey.
Go ahead. Read. Read.
You're not laughing.
You didn't find that funny?
- What, you mean the first page?
- Yeah.
There are at least three big laughs
on that page alone.
Look at this guy's name.
[LAUGHS]
- Andy.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Read the next page. It gets funnier.
Is this a comedy?
I thought it was, you know,
action-adventure.
It is. It's all three.
Read. It's great. Read.
[ANDY LAUGHING]
Andy, honey, let me read this at home.
I can't... I can't even...
I'm sorry. I know.
You can't read while I'm here.
- I'll tell you what.
- Where are you going?
Well, I saw a liquor store on the corner.
I'll buy some champagne, we can celebrate.
- But...
- You just stay here and read.
I love you.
Wait. Wait, don't tell me yet.
Okay, I'm ready. What'd you think?
[SOBBING]
I guess that means you don't like it.
You think it's lousy?
The whole thing?
It's all those flashbacks. You never know
when anything is taking place.
In the first 20 pages alone, I counted
three flashbacks, one flash-forward...
...and I think on Page 8
you have a flash-sideways.
Well, what about the story?
The story?
Yeah. Four poker buddies
knocking over a casino.
The perfect crime.
What are you saying I should do? Take out
the flashbacks? Rewrite the opening?
I could do that.
Then what?
Burn it.
You don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
Thanks.
You don't know a damn thing about writing.
You're a schoolteacher, not an editor.
That's obvious. I read the whole thing.
An editor would have stopped reading
after the first paragraph.
Okay. You want me to burn it? Is that
what you want? You want me to burn it?
There. I hope you're happy, Mrs. Critic!
It's burning now, okay?
It's burning!
Shit!
Oh, goddamn it.
Ow, ow, ow.
[SAWING]
I'm sorry about the way
I behaved last night.
You were just being honest.
And it's encouraged me to try harder
and do better. For that, I thank you.
Oh, Andy.
[CRASHING]
Think we should put this back?
What, are you nuts? This sign is mint.
There's not a bullet hole in it.
[HORN HONKING]
Andy. Andy, honey.
[PETREE CACKLING]
Save your strength, sweetheart.
I'll get the mail.
[SCREAMS]
ELIZABETH: You want anything else?
How about some apple pie?
No, thanks. I'm just gonna sit here
by the fire and relax.
ELIZABETH: Well, can I bring you
a cup of coffee, then?
[SNIFFING]
All right. Good.
[SIZZLING]
Here we go.
Hot. Hot.
Here, honey.
Thank you.
I have good news, Andy.
You do? Well, let's hear it.
I'm always in the mood for good news.
Look.
A check for $5,000 made out to you?
Isn't it wonderful? I sold a book.
What book?
A book I wrote.
Five thousand,
is that much for a first book?
When did you write a book?
Well, at odd times. You know,
a little bit here, a little bit there.
I wrote it out longhand on legal pads.
Then I Federal Expressed it to an address
I found in your magazine.
And then today when I collected the mail,
there was an envelope...
...and in it was a contract, a check...
...and a typed version of my manuscript.
- I can hardly believe it.
- Me too.
The publisher wants to know
if I have any others.
- You wrote a book and then you sold it?
- Yeah.
- Well, what's it about?
- Animals.
- Squirrels, mostly.
- Squirrels?
- What kind of book is that?
- A children's book.
A children's book? Oh, a children's book.
What did you think I wrote, a novel?
I didn't know. That's wonderful.
Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm so proud of you. That's wonderful.
- Are you, honey? Are you really?
- Of course.
Because I thought you might feel
a little bit jealous or threatened.
Me? Are you kidding?
So tell me, these squirrels,
do they have adventures?
Oh, yeah. It's so great.
It's about a squirrel from Central Park
who falls asleep in a delivery truck...
...and wakes up in the country.
He has some funny misadventures
and he makes all kinds of mistakes...
...because he's from the city, right...
...and now he's completely
out of his element.
It's a fish-out-of-water story.
This squirrel is me, isn't it?
No. No, I wouldn't say that.
What's his name?
Andy.
I'm a son of a bitch.
No, honey. Please don't be upset.
It's really very flattering.
You were my inspiration.
This is a tribute to you.
- I'd like to read it.
- And you shall.
You shall.
Oh, and one more thing.
Would you mind, Andy, if I used
the typewriter for a little bit tonight?
I have some ideas for a second story I wanna
get down before they fly out of my head.
Oh, sure.
It'll go much faster on the typewriter.
That is, if you don't mind, of course.
ANDY:
Okay, let me straighten up a little.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy the idea
of both of us being writers.
It's in the great tradition of...
...what's-his-name and his wife.
Where'd you get that?
ELIZABETH:
Mrs. Dinges' antique shop.
He's what gave me the idea
to write the book in the first place.
I thought I was your inspiration.
It was the combination of the two.
What I did, Andy,
was use the entire town.
There's a great big old hedgehog
based on Sheriff Ledbetter.
There's two crazy raccoons that remind me
of those Criterion brothers.
Ooh! Remember that strange man...?
But the squirrel, Andy,
he's the main character, isn't he?
Well, yes, of course.
So, what kind of cute things will old
Andy the squirrel be up to in the next book?
- Maybe you should read the manuscript first.
- I will, I will.
I was just wondering
what's in store for Andy next.
Well, actually, he doesn't make it
into the second book.
Why not?
He gets run over by a truck
at the end of the first book.
[TYPING]
[MATTRESS SQUEAKS]
Do you have any idea what time it is?
[TYPING IN DISTANCE]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
All right. All right. Okay.
Shovel it.
Let's see Memorial Cemetery bill me now.
Thanks, fellas.
- See you tomorrow.
- Okay, Andy.
Thanks, boss.
Come on, come on.
It's 1:00 in the afternoon, Andy.
I'm taking the truck into town.
I need some supplies.
And I wanna drop in on Mrs. Dinges.
What's going on, Andy?
Is this what you wanna do with your life?
Sleep all day long and hang out
with the Criterion brothers?
You're sinking into a pit of self-pity,
defeatism and alcohol...
...and you're enjoying it.
You'll see me when you see me.
Come on. Come on.
[HORN HONKING]
Come on.
Shit.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Are you nuts?
What were you honking at?
- Are you Mr. Farmer? Mr. Andy Farmer?
- What?
Yes, I am. Why?
We've been trying to contact you
for some time, Mr. Farmer.
My name is Michael Sinclair.
[HORN HONKING]
Wait. Shut up a minute. Listen.
Shit. Give me a hand with this.
Come on! Get over here and push. Now!
May I ask what the point of this is?
Just keep pushing. You'll see.
- Hurry up, he's coming.
- Yes.
Who? Who's coming?
Okay, this is good.
- Hold it steady till I say.
- I don't think I can hold it much longer.
Sure you can. Sure you can.
- You're doing just fine.
- Mr. Farmer.
May I know what we're doing?
- When I give you the signal, let it go.
- But Mr. Farmer...
Shh! Quiet.
- Now! Let it go.
- I can't.
- Now, goddamn it!
- I can't! I can't! I can't!
[PETREE CACKLING]
Shit!
We could have nailed him.
We could have had him dead center.
- Who are you anyway?
- I told you who I was.
I'm Michael Sinclair.
From Hufnagel and...
...Brown. Your publisher, Mr. Farmer.
- What are you doing here?
- Your deadline, the first installment.
- Deadline?
- Three weeks ago, actually.
We didn't hear from you.
Mr. Farmer, our letters went unanswered.
Look, I know all of this must seem crazy,
but you'll just have to trust me on this.
There's absolutely nothing
out of the ordinary happening here.
Yes.
Sorry about your car.
A rental?
I just bought it.
Let's just forget about the deadline.
Return the advance money
and we'll call it even.
What, give the money back?
I've been working.
I've got stuff down on paper,
right in my house.
Come up and look at it. It's great stuff.
Here, take this.
It's not the novel, but it shows
I've been working. I think you'll like it.
Please take it.
You'll be hearing from us, Mr. Farmer.
Good day.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
- Hello? Farmer residence?
- Yes.
Well, I finally made it.
Getting through to Redbud is
no easy business.
Is Mr. Farmer there?
No, he's...
Well, he's still sleeping actually.
This is his wife. Can I help you?
This is Michael Sinclair, Mrs. Farmer...
...from Hufnagel and Brown...
...your husband's publishing house.
- Oh, yes.
Would you mind passing along
to your husband my apologies?
I've been dealing with writers
for 15 years.
You'd think I'd be used to
their eccentricities by now.
Anyway, I acted like a fool
and I apologize.
Your husband's a very talented man.
Thank you.
But how did you know?
Believe me, Mrs. Farmer, I know.
I have in front of me a manuscript...
...that is simply wondefrul.
- It's fresh, it's original.
- You like it?
We love it. And we want to put it out.
Andy will be thrilled.
We don't actually publish children's books
here at Hufnagel.
- But we have a subsidiary...
- Wait a minute.
- Did you say "children's book"?
- Yes.
Didn't he submit a book about
four poker buddies knocking over a casino?
A casino?
No. No, this book is about squirrels.
Mrs. Farmer?
Mrs. Farmer, are you there?
Hello?
- What's up?
- What's it look like?
I'm leaving.
And I want a divorce.
- What's wrong?
- How could you?
Have you no shame?
Have you actually sunk this low?
What are you talking about?
Your publisher just called.
He just loves the book you gave him.
My book!
What, were you drunk again?
Or just desperate?
How could you do something
so pathetic and underhanded?
ANDY:
Underhanded?
What do you call writing a book
behind my back...
...all the while telling me mine stinks?
Talk about underhanded. Huh?
What about that?
You're not taking the typewriter.
I don't want your typewriter, Andy.
You keep it.
Maybe you'll find a use for it someday.
What about the apple?
What apple?
ANDY:
"What apple?"
You know very well what apple.
The last apple.
The one you ate when we were practically
starving. After you ate the last banana!
Are you serious?
Don't try to deny it.
I stepped on the core!
Don't worry.
I'm willing to concede that our marriage
has been just a series of mutual betrayals.
I know it, you know it,
and Yellow Dog knows it!
Yellow Dog doesn't even know
what town he lives in!
I'm taking this truck
and I'm moving in with Mrs. Dinges!
Good!
Out!
Scram! Beat it!
Don't forget your pal, Andy!
All right, then.
We've come together in the matter
of Farmer v. Farmer.
Mrs. Farmer, you're beginning
divorce proceedings...
...against your husband, correct?
- Who wants the house?
- I don't.
- Not me.
GUS: Well, at least you're both
in agreement on something.
Marion, when's the next
available court date?
- We have to go to court?
GUS: We are merely attorneys, Mrs. Farmer...
...handmaidens of the law.
Only a judge can dissolve a marriage.
A circuit judge will be here
next month...
...but that's when we go to trial
on your personal injury, it seems.
Wait a minute. You represent him
in another matter?
Yes, sir.
- Isn't that a conflict of interest?
- Not in my book.
Okay. How about
the first week in February?
July would be better for me.
July is seven months away.
- Were you in a rush?
- Excuse us just a minute.
You gotta get this ceiling
painted sometime, Marion.
MAN: Move to carry. The town of Redbud
will seek official accreditation...
...as the acorn capital of the world.
Last on the agenda, Elizabeth and
Andy Farmer have requested permission...
...to address the council.
As the current lamb-fry record holder...
...I'm sure Mr. Farmer
is familiar to you all.
- Why don't you sit down?
- Cut it out.
Thank you, Mayor Barclay,
members of the council.
Citizens of Redbud.
We came to Redbud...
...filled with hopes and dreams
for a better life and a better place.
And basically, we've seen
those hopes and dreams...
...shattered and crushed
before our very eyes.
Now, I'm not saying it's entirely your fault.
We're as much to blame for this as you.
Well, maybe more like 60-40...
...but we didn't come down here
to quibble over percentages.
- What did you come here for?
- Sit down.
We came here to ask your help
in selling our house.
[MURMURING]
There's money in this for you.
Sit down. We can at least listen.
Sit down.
ANDY:
Thank you very much.
My wife, Elizabeth.
These are Saturday Evening Post
magazines from the '30s and the '40s.
The covers of these magazines were
painted by a man named Norman Rockwell.
Norman Rockwell knew a thing or two
about small-town life.
Normal small-town life.
He knew how people looked,
what they did, how they dressed.
And that's what we want from you.
We want you to look and dress and act...
...just like the people
on the covers of these magazines.
So...
Pass them out amongst yourselves.
Look at them. Study them.
Take them home, if you wish.
But be careful, they're on loan
from Mrs. Dinges' antique shop.
Hold on, now, Mrs. Farmer.
Did we hear some mention of money?
Within 24 hours of the close of escrow
on our property...
...we will present to the town of Redbud
a check in the amount of $15,000.
Also, a bonus of $50 each...
...to any individual who performs...
...a specific act of
traditional small-town behavior...
...in the presence
of the prospective buyers.
[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
Leave it to me, Andy and Elizabeth.
I'll ram this project home.
ANDY: Now, how much notice do you think
you'll need to start acting normal?
Here they come.
They're going around front. Good.
Oh, Bud.
It's perfect.
It's just what we're looking for.
Oh, look, honey, ducks.
- Cue the deer.
- Roger.
Oh, look.
- Great.
- Play it cool, honey.
- Let's not let them think we're too eager.
- Yes, yes.
Go.
How do I look?
The pipe's a bit much.
- Yes?
- Hi, the Culbertsons, Bud and Betsy.
- Oh, yeah. Please come in.
- Thank you.
Darling, the Culbertsons are here.
Oh!
Didn't expect you so soon.
Andrew Farmer. Excuse the mess.
Don't you have a dog?
You bet.
He's probably out somewhere
scaring up game.
It's been a dream of ours for a long time,
moving out to the country.
Bud's going to write a novel.
[COUGHING]
How nice.
Excuse me.
This is a wonderful house to write in.
Do you mind if I ask why you're moving?
[HORN HONKING]
Well, actually we're being transferred.
Andy's with the government.
High-level position.
It's all classified.
You know how it is.
They never tell the wives...
[TRUCK BACKFIRES]
Mail, Mr. Farmer.
I'll just put it right over here
on the table for you, sir.
As usual, I weeded out...
...all of the junk mail myself.
Mrs. Farmer, Mrs. Petree asked me
to bring this over to you.
It's her traditional rum-nut-plum-raisin
cake of the season.
Thank you.
May I present Mr. and Mrs. Culbertson?
- Bud and Betsy.
- They're thinking of buying the house.
Oh, is that so? Well, you won't regret it.
But I'm really gonna be sorry
to see the Farmers go.
[CACKLING]
Well, I'd better be going.
Doing some ice fishing tonight. Pulling
some nice size pike out of the lake, I hear.
Good day to you folks.
Ice fishing?
I thought it was a nice touch.
But it'll cost you.
[BAND PLAYING
"DECK THE HALLS"]
This is gonna cost us a fortune.
The $50 bonus was your idea.
Little piece of heaven, isn't it, Bud?
- Very nice. Very nice.
WOMAN 1: Happy holidays.
MAN 1: Season's greetings.
BARCLAY: Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.
MAN 2: Season's greetings, folks.
WOMAN 2: Merry Christmas.
BARCLAY: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas. Andy.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, folks. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Hello, sheriff.
Is everything going well in Redbud?
I was just about to take a run
to your place.
BUD:
You patrol the homes outside of town?
Absolutely. Twice a day.
Check for any suspicious vehicles
or persons in the area.
If the owner is on vacation,
I try the locks.
Pick up all the newspapers.
- Redbud may be a small town...
- Well, keep up the good work, sheriff.
Ivy's is open. Hungry, Bud?
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, sheriff.
Merry Christmas.
MAN 1: Watch it.
MAN 2: Move out of the way!
[GASPS]
ANDY:
Watch your step.
ALL:
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
[CAROLERS SINGING
"DECK THE HALLS"]
BOY:
Hey, Mom, this is fun!
Thank you.
That was just beautiful. Why don't you all
come inside for some hot cocoa and eggnog?
[CHATTERING]
[SINGING "JOY TO THE WORLD"]
A toast to the Farmers.
We'll miss you or my name isn't...
...Otis Berryhill, 23 Redbud Road.
- To the Farmers!
Thank you.
I would like to propose a toast too,
if I may.
I may not be a sentimental man...
...but there is something
I would like to say at this time.
It's very hard for Elizabeth and me
to say farewell.
There will always be a special place
for Redbud in our hearts.
And I know that you will show
the new owners, whoever they may be...
...the same affection
that you've shown us.
And that they too will grow to love
this town and this house...
...and all of you wonderful people
just as much as we have.
My friends...
[YELLOW DOG GROWLING]
...as the saying goes:
[THUDS]
Once a Redbudian...
ALL:
Always a Redbudian.
ANDY:
And so, my friends, a toast.
- To Redbud.
ALL: To Redbud.
OTIS: Well, back to work. Thanks, Andy.
- Goodbye, Otis.
Merry Christmas.
- Warren Smith.
- Warren Smith.
- Bob Connor.
- Bob Connor.
- Connie Caliber.
- Connie Caliber.
Bill Benden.
No, no. No, no, no.
Get out of here.
Merry Christmas.
- Doris Newbury.
- Doris, hi.
- Elizabeth Garfield.
- Elizabeth Garfield.
Andy.
Betsy and I wanna sleep on it...
...but I think we'll be back in the morning
to make you an offer on the house.
What, tomorrow?
Well, where are you staying tonight?
Sid's Hideaway Bungalows.
No, no, stay away from town.
Stay with us.
- Stay in our guest room.
BUD: Well, that's awful nice of you, Andy.
It's no problem at all. Happy to do it.
Okay, let's get our bags.
[SINGING "SILENT NIGHT"]
ELIZABETH:
I love the sound of Christmas carolers.
ANDY:
Yeah.
They've been at it for hours.
You can have the bed.
I'll sleep on the floor.
I'm sorry about this.
It's only for one night.
You did it, Andy.
You really pulled it off.
Of course I did, Elizabeth.
Being a fake is what I do best.
BUD:
That's our offer, Andy.
- This is more than we're asking.
- We want it all. The furniture...
...the dishes, the pots and pans.
BETSY: It's all so perfect.
- We want everything.
- I even want the dog.
Yellow Dog? You want Yellow Dog?
Just initial that offer on the bottom,
Andy, and we'll call it a deal.
I've done a lot of things
I'm ashamed of lately, Elizabeth.
Made a lot of mistakes.
I don't wanna make another one.
I don't wanna move. I like it here.
I don't wanna move either.
Hey, what is this?
- And I don't want a divorce.
- Neither do I.
- You don't?
- Of course not.
I don't know what I was doing.
You were acting so strange.
I know I was. I'm sorry.
So am I.
Hold it. Wait a minute here.
What the hell is going on?
[ANDY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
What?
He says the house is no longer for sale.
Well, he can't do that.
[ANDY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
He says we've decided to stay.
Come on, Betsy.
Let's get the hell out of here.
- You'll be hearing from my attorney, Farmer.
ANDY: Fuck you.
He says...
...you can contact him through
the law offices of Marion Corey, Jr.
[CAROLERS SINGING "JINGLE BELLS"]
BUD: Out of the way.
Get out of the way.
Out of the way.
Out of the way.
Shut up!
Everybody gather around.
Gather around, everybody.
May I have your attention, please?
I have an announcement to make.
Sorry, Andy and Elizabeth. We let those two
get away. We'll do better next time.
ANDY:
That doesn't matter anymore.
I have good news.
We're not leaving.
We've decided to stay.
[MURMURING]
What about our money?
Well, I know that was
part of the original plan...
...but the circumstances have changed.
We still get our money, don't we?
Well, I'm sure that all of you...
...in the spirit of the joyous
Christmas season...
...will find it in your hearts...
Perhaps not.
[DUCKS QUACKING]
All right.
ANDY: Mayor Barclay ruled we weren't
liable for the 15 grand...
...since we never actually
sold the house.
But we decided to make good
on the $50 bonuses...
...which greatly improved
our relationship with the town.
Elizabeth, meanwhile,
has had two new books published.
And I've been working
for the Redbud Gazette.
As a novelist, I turned out to be
a pretty good sportswriter.
Before leaving New York...
...Elizabeth and I thought we knew
exactly what we were getting into.
Well, we were wrong
about almost everything.
But one thing we had right.
Moving to the country was
the best decision we ever made.
- We're tied.
- All right. Bring it in, bring it in.
- Safe!
- What?