1
Bull barsh! Whimpering excuses!
Incompetent crap!
Wait a minute, don't print that.
Incompetent crap!
That's all I ever get from
that one lousy county!
I've had to eat so much crow...
the conservationists are claiming
the species is practically extinct!
Governor, sir, from the
standpoint of public relations...
You'll make me look like the same jackass
I've looked like for the last three years.
Face it, gentlemen. You've been here,
watching these press conferences.
What do they ask me about?
Dunston County!
I get my picture on the cover
of Time magazine.
And what's half the damn story about?
Dunston County!
Next I'll be on national TV,
at the convention.
And the delegates and people
all over the country...
what do you think they'll be
thinking about? Nomination? No way!
They'll say, "That's that dumb
cracker who can't even clean up..."
- Sir?
- What do you want?
Governor, I...
- What do you want, Bruster?
- Bridger.
Bridger, yes.
Sir, I have a man outside who may
have the key to Dunston County.
He's on loan to us from the U.S.
Justice Department, New York.
One of the top men in their strike force.
His name is Irving Greenfield.
Wait, did you say New York?
- Yes, sir.
- Bridger, come here.
New York?
Irving Greenfield?
Jew?
Why?
He's the man who broke
the Joey Gallo case, sir.
Why didn't you say so?
Don't make him wait.
Go get him. Bring him in.
Do you believe it? Do you believe that?
Way up there in New York City,
the U.S. Justice Department...
worrying about me,
the poor little Southern governor...
who can't seem to solve his problems.
Up in New York they have
nothing to worry about...
but this Southern governor,
so what do they send from New York City?
They send me down a New York...
Come in, Mr. Greenberg.
- How are you?
- Greenfield.
- Greenfield. Fine. How are you?
- I've been waiting for weeks to see you.
- It's wonderful to have you. New York City?
- Yeah.
New York is a fine state.
The Big Apple.
Been there many times myself.
Saw Fiddler on the Roof three times.
Tell the Governor, Mr. Greenfield.
Governor, the Justice
Department has run a check...
and we found out that the whole county
of Dunston is run by one man...
Bama McCall.
We knew about that.
Then you're probably aware he grew up
with a moonshiner named Gator McKlusky?
- We weren't aware of that.
- I didn't think you were.
It seems McKlusky's just been released after
serving 26 months in the state prison.
- It was a second offense.
- Go on.
I want to bust him.
Put him in with McCall.
And if McKlusky cooperates,
we'll have enough evidence to prosecute.
Why would this Gator
McKlusky want to do this?
We have reason to believe
he's still making illegal whiskey.
And a three-time loser has a way
of cooperating, if you know what I mean.
One question. When?
When?
Just in time for the
national convention...
and your TV report on the squeaky-clean
government of Dunston County.
Sold. What do you need?
Since that boy got back
from that place...
he ain't been worth a tinker's damn.
He wants to be like an old tomcat.
He wants to prowl all
night and sleep all day.
Ain't got a lick of work out of him
ever since he got back down here.
Since when you ain't using beet
sugar instead of cane sugar...
like we're supposed to?
- Gator said.
- I've made quality whiskey all my life...
and no place in the book does it
says sugar beet's as good as cane.
Is that what they taught
you up in that place, boy?
What else did they teach you up there?
I think that's what I missed
the most in the morning.
Your bitching and moaning.
You want some breakfast, girl?
I done ate before you got up.
What time did they wake
you up in that place?
You hang around with murderers, thieves,
crooks and Lord knows what else.
Them ain't nice people for
you to hang around with.
I'll try to remember that, Pop.
That's a good idea.
You done lost all your
respect for quality.
Now you name me one thing of
quality that you can do today.
- License plates.
- License plates?
I can make quality license plates.
I was gonna make one of them
personalized ones for you.
- But I didn't know how to spell "senile."
- Senile, am I?
I'm gonna have to take
you down a notch or two.
How'd you like I put a Dutch
rub on you, right now?
Do it, Grandpa!
And you, young lady, mind your manners.
Gator, this child's been
out of school too long.
Two years.
She's beginning to revert to the wilds.
Is that right, girl?
You reverting back to the wilds?
- I ain't.
- I'll tell you what else she needs.
She needs to hang around young'uns
her age, instead of an old codger like me.
And I ain't going to
school this year, either.
You ain't? You is going back to school.
Come September,
you're gonna be in school, girl.
Can I play football?
Yeah.
- And wear pretty little dresses, too.
- Don't like no dresses.
Your momma sure did.
Hello there, puppy.
Hello, chopper.
This is Greenfield.
We're lost.
Down there! I think we got something.
What's that?
- What is that, Pop?
- It's a darned helicopter.
I know that, but who's in it?
Looks like Fish and Game.
Not in a helicopter.
Them's whiskey agents. Come on.
Mr. Greenfield, we got him. That's him.
When you see him,
drop a smoke bomb, and circle!
Do you read me?
Drop a smoke bomb, and circle!
Head the boat towards the marker.
I can't.
- What?
- I said, I can't, sir!
- Sheriff, head the boat towards the marker.
- Can't do that, Mr. Greenfield.
We'll have to go around.
I said turn the boat towards
the gosh damn marker!
Right.
- Hate to lose a load to those bloodsuckers.
- We won't.
Looks like they're serious this time.
- I'll give 'em a run for their money.
- Do that.
Don't you worry, Suzie.
They ain't gonna catch your pappy.
I ain't worried, Grandpa.
If they get too close,
Gator'll hit that jet in his boat...
make 'em think they've
been hit by a tidal wave.
- So don't worry.
- I ain't worried, Grandpa.
If they get too close, I'll shoot
'em in the butt with a full load...
if they mess with us. So don't worry.
- I ain't worried, Grandpa.
- I am!
They're bombing us now.
It's the first time they've done that.
You did it.
You can't get it off.
What does it mean, you can't get it off?
It means we're gonna be here for a while.
Maybe you'd like to call a cab.
A cab.
Cute.
Sir, did you fire that shotgun?
It went off accidental while I was
cleaning it. While I was fishing.
You're a liar, Pop.
- Now take it easy, Tom.
- Don't you call me no liar.
I'll shove this shotgun up your butt!
Get over there!
Don't let him talk like that
in front of my granddaughter.
You rat-faced bastard!
- Take it easy, Bob.
- Don't you hit that child!
I'm not gonna hit her.
I just don't want to feed her.
We got the old man and the
girl over here. This is Cobia 2.
Ned McKlusky, you're under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent...
Stop that!
Boat 4 and 5, come in.
What've you got for me?
This is Boat 4.
I'm here with Boat 5.
We got nothing.
It's quiet.
Quiet as a church.
Pretty, too.
That son of a gun
disappeared into thin air.
This if Officer Talmadge
in Boat number 5.
That ain't no ordinary
boat he's got there.
Got some kind of damn rocket on it.
Oh, shit!
Boat 6, come in.
What have you got for me, Boat 6?
This is Boat 6.
Boat 9, come in.
Can anybody hear me up there?
This is the chopper. We got him spotted.
We got him! Damn it, we got him now!
I'm bringing him in!
Chopper, sit down on him!
Do what?
Sit down on him!
Doesn't anybody up there speak English?
Can't you read my lips?
We'll have him in the
chopper in a second.
Oh, my God, he's getting away!
After him, Bo!
What the hell's going on?
Have you got him, or not?
We temporarily lost him.
10...
come in.
It sounds like old Gator's coming.
I guess I better wake up.
Seeing as it's 9:00,
I'll keep on walking.
Fish ain't biting on this side.
Oh, Lord.
That's some Gator!
Come in, chopper!
Don't tell me!
- Sounds like he got the chopper.
- Shut up!
Oh, my God!
That's Gator McKlusky!
Damn rifle!
Gator McKlusky, you're under arrest!
Later.
It's a nice swamp you got here.
Where are they?
We got them.
My name's Irving Greenfield.
You thinking about putting up
some condominiums out here?
I don't find that very funny at all.
- What do you want?
- Some time.
I just did some time.
I know, twice.
- You bet your ass I did.
- Oh, no.
You bet yours.
In fact, you did bet
it twice, and you lost.
What do you want?
Bama McCall.
- Bama McCall?
- Yeah.
I never heard of him.
He's having quite a time in Dunston
County. Prostitution, extortion, bribery.
What makes you think I'm gonna
help you nail Bama McCall?
If you don't want your old man
in jail for moonshining...
and your little girl to be shuttling around
from one foster home to another, you will.
- You think you got me by the short hairs?
- I do.
It's incredible what this
guy's got going for him.
$20,000 in back taxes.
That's all we can prove,
but that's just minor.
But we could use it to put
him out of commission.
- Get the picture?
- I get the picture.
How do I know all that crap
down on that paper is true?
Look, if he's clean, you can prove it.
If he's not...
here's your chance to find out.
Come here.
I'll be back before you
even know I'm gone.
Don't let Granddad sass you, hear?
I won't.
- Good-bye.
- Bye, Daddy.
I'll take over.
You drive.
- Why am I driving?
- I don't drive.
- You don't drive?
- No.
When you're from New York,
you don't drive.
That makes sense. I guess if
you're from Boston, you don't fart.
$3, please.
What's your name, killer?
- Cornelia.
- I like that.
You're new here, ain't you?
I'm new. We've got a new bouncer, too.
That's partly why I'm here.
What's a pretty little thing like
you doing in a joint like this?
- I was Miss Palatka, 1973.
- Wonderful.
Miss Palatka, I wish
you'd do me a favor.
I wish you'd go back there
and tell Mr. Donahue...
that Bama McCall is out
here about the insurance.
Hello, operator, give me the police.
Bama McCall. Insurance.
I can remember that.
- I'll tell him.
- Thank you.
Now we're gonna take a five-minute break
so the girls have a chance to go potty...
and have a little drink.
- You must be the new bouncer.
- Yeah.
Son, you're a healthy-looking mother.
Look at them arms!
- Little warm, ain't it?
- Yeah.
My name is Bama McCall.
And I don't usually come by
here to make collections...
but I just wanted to come by...
and say hello.
Good-bye!
Hello, ladies.
Donahue, that's a couple pretty
good bouncers you got there.
I just bounced one off of the wall
and one through the window for you.
That's a good one, Mr. McCall.
But I'm only the manager here.
The people in Detroit own the club.
And they have to have authorization
for anything they pay out.
You know what?
This damn place is a firetrap.
I called them and said you said that.
Are you telling me that your
associates up in Detroit...
are all that inconsiderate?
Is that what you're telling me?
That's a shame!
I could call them back.
I could call them back right now!
We better be getting on over
to the Southside Shuffle.
Can't you see I'm eating my supper?
Look at this. I'm riding with a nut named
Gator, looking for a putz named Bama!
Don't you people have regular names?
You mean intelligent names,
like you've got in New York City?
Like "Yogi"?
I know. Cute.
Do you have to drive so fast?
I don't get a chance
like this very often.
A cop stops me,
I just flash him my badge.
What badge?
Your badge.
- We're undercover men, goddamn it!
- Oh, shit! Undercover.
You, undercover in Dunston.
You're gonna stick out in Dunston,
like a bagel in a bucket of grits.
- Mighty pretty city.
- Is that Dunston?
No, it's Newark.
- I think I'm losing control.
- Why?
I'm beginning to think you're funny.
Yours is a little lumpy,
but mine doesn't look too bad.
Yours doesn't look too bad?
That's pretty funny.
Almost as funny as Newark.
Pretty lumpy? I'd have to be crazy.
On the other hand, I don't know.
What's going on?
- This is where you're staying.
- Why?
You're undercover, aren't you?
Nobody'd look for you in
a crappy place like this.
Where are you gonna stay?
You didn't expect me to
stay in a dump like this?
Come on!
Hey, folks, here comes the
Dunston High School band.
We won, didn't we, folks?
Chief Billy Joe Williams and
the police department...
made out a donation for the campaign.
Now, folks, you like what we got
going in Dunston, don't you?
Do you folks...
Do you know the difference between
Uncle Sam, a rooster and an old maid?
Uncle Sam says, "Yankee-doodle-do,"
the rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-do"...
and an old maid says,
"Any-old-dude'll-do."
When that TV camera starts showing us,
I want you all to show your best...
'cause you got the best.
And we're gonna have the best
city south of Baltimore!
Who in the hell gives a damn
what's north of Baltimore?
Hey, you tyke there,
come down here, sweetie!
Miss Cavanaugh, you're welcome to stay,
as long as you don't make a disturbance.
We can't have you interfering
with the festivities...
with all your yelling
and your screaming.
Now I'm gonna have to
escort you out of the park.
Patrick McGinnin, I have known you
since you were 11 years old...
and you were a sweet young man...
and your father a Catholic priest.
- Baptist minister.
- Right.
I still think you're
a sweet young man...
but you are not escorting me anywhere.
Sorry.
Look, Miss Cavanaugh,
I don't want to have to arrest you.
Patrick, you must understand
that I'm not hitting you.
I am hitting Mayor Caffrey
and all his corruption.
And here's another blow for freedom.
And what about unemployment?
What's Caffrey gonna do about that?
What's he gonna do about the
poor and underprivileged?
You stick me in the eye with that sign,
you're gonna be in real trouble.
I'm a citizen. I've got my rights.
I'd like to stick it someplace else!
I just feel happy.
I'm so grateful for all you
folks coming out here...
You don't believe all that crap, do you?
Gator!
- What the hell are you doing here?
- I came down to...
- Hi, Bama!
- Hi, cutie!
- What's your name?
- Gator.
- Alligator?
- Yeah.
Where have you been all my life?
All your life? In prison.
See you later, Alligator!
You know how long it's
been since I've seen you?
- It was what? Owney Matson's dirt track?
- Yeah.
That ain't it.
It was the night we was drinking
at that joint up in Willow Springs.
That's when it was. What you been doing?
- Time.
- Time?
What're you doing hanging around here?
I heard you was the cock
of the walk down here.
So I just come out to
find out if it was true.
I am. Bones!
Meet the dearest friend I got in the world.
Mr. Gator McKlusky, Bones.
Ask him why they call him Bones.
Why do they call you Bones?
'Cause I tell 'em to.
- Right.
- Bones, go get Mayor Bob.
Bring him over here.
I want him to meet Gator.
Got a very intelligent look about him.
- He's my social secretary.
- I see.
- Do you remember Coach Ferguson?
- Sure.
Baldy?
Do you remember the night
we were playing for Hokey?
And we won nine straight ball games?
We thought we was a bunch of killers.
And for Hokey, it was
just cleaning our plough.
Running us clean out of the stadium.
We went into half time...
Wonder what old Skeeter's doing?
Probably still making
that same dumb speech.
My God, I feel like I've
died and gone to heaven.
How do you feel, Gator?
I feel like I'm at Mount Rushmore.
Hello, there.
My name's Smiley.
- No shit.
- Nope.
Understand you just got
out of the clinker?
Yeah.
I ain't never been...
but I hear there's a whole bunch of queers
just crawling all over your body up there.
That's what they say.
Every so often you hear
a yell or two in the night?
Yeah.
I know the sound.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah!
Hello, Pogie!
Now look.
Fine. Look.
Pogie, I want you to
do something for me.
I want you to check on a
guy named Gator McKlusky.
I'm gonna show you how
we do a little collecting.
I'm gonna give you the Black
section to start with.
There's only two things you've
gotta remember about Blacks.
And that's this. That one day
they can be real easy...
and then the next day...
they can be...
bad.
The best I can remember...
you always were a little
color-blind, weren't you?
What the hell is that?
That's to make them Blacks easy.
Would you?
In a New York minute.
- Mr. Bama.
- Big George.
Go in there and tell J.J.
I've come for my sugar.
That is real sweet. I love that song.
You're getting my shits on.
Now let's cut the crap,
and you go do what I told you to do.
Yes, boss!
The man from Glad is here.
- You didn't make him mad, did you?
- I hope so.
Black is beautiful. I love it.
- You go tell him you're gone.
- I'm gone!
Wait a minute.
God almighty, what about
the laws in this town?
I got a permit to carry this thing, son.
Where are the cops at?
Right there.
Shit.
Every time he comes around,
he blows up something.
Well, J.J.
Hi, Bama.
Where are you going?
You owe me a little money.
Just going out to get
my tire fixed, man.
You owe me $500, J.J.
Oh, man, slipped my mind.
I got it right here in my pocket.
Now, son, that's a thing of beauty
and a joy to behold. Is that gorgeous?
Sometimes my vocabulary just ain't
adequate to describe the beauty...
and the grandeur of it all.
You gotta get used to this high living.
I don't know if I can stand it.
- Is he supposed to do that?
- Yeah.
For whose benefit, mine or his?
All right, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
Now I'm gonna start you
out at $400 a week.
But, now, you can't take
nothing out on the bag.
That sounds good.
- Telephone, Mr. McCall.
- Thank you, Tom.
Hello.
Pogie! Yeah.
It's your dime, you do the talking.
Super. Okay.
I love it.
Okay. See you, Pog.
Now what's it gonna be? Gonna be steak?
You want lobster? Maybe you want both?
I'd like to speak to you for a minute.
Aggie:
Gator McKlusky, say hello
to Agatha Maybank.
She's the star of Dunston
County television.
Sit down, Aggie.
- You had my series cancelled.
- Your what?
The documentary show on poverty
that we were doing in Dunston County.
Who told you that?
- Caffrey's office.
- Caffrey's office.
I'm afraid you might have overestimated
my influence a little bit.
But then, on the other hand...
nobody likes to watch that junk on TV,
anyway. It's depressing, ain't it?
Mr. McCall, television is
independently owned...
and there's an FCC regulation that forbids
interference by local political authorities.
Honey...
if you want to have a drink with us,
you're welcome to stay.
But if you come over here to piss
and moan at me, excuse my French...
then I don't want to hear your women's lib,
poverty-program bullshit!
Not while I'm enjoying my
meal here with my friend...
and paying for it with my own money.
I see.
But you are welcome to
stay and have a drink.
If that's what they taught you
up there at Vassar or NBC.
No, but they did teach me where
the Civil Liberties Union is located.
Mr. McKlusky.
Nice ass.
A little uppity.
Very pretty.
Thank you.
You the man?
Yeah.
They said a new one was coming.
I'm about as new as you can get.
Policy numbers wasn't no good this week.
I made a little change on the horses.
Some on the dogs.
Come on, let me get my book.
And my money.
You kids, go on, slide on outta here.
Now!
It's all here, mister. You can count it.
I don't have to.
I don't want no trouble with Mr. McCall.
I can't afford no fire.
There ain't gonna be no fire.
Okay.
Hey, sign the paper, man.
Thank you.
- Where is Bama?
- He's inside.
Hi. I'm Tinker.
I'm Gator. Is Bama around?
He's in there.
He's always in there.
Thank you.
Don't you ever knock
on the door or nothing?
I mean, you could've caught a
fellow with his britches down.
Sorry.
I want to talk to you alone, okay?
You mean her?
Son, we're alone.
What's she on?
She's on Quaaludes. She's on Mandrax.
She's on Parest. She's on coke.
You name it, son.
I mean, if they make it,
then that chick'll take it.
She can't be more than 15.
Hell, I don't go by age,
I go by weight, anyway.
I mean, your momma and my momma
both done married, done had young'uns...
and the whole shooting match when they
wasn't a damn bit older than she was.
Gator, look.
Son, I don't hook these chicks.
I don't hustle these chicks.
I damn sure don't go out on the
street and drag them in here.
They come in to pay
for that habit they got.
There's money,
and then there's money, Bama.
- I didn't make the world the way it was.
- No, you just collect off it.
Now look, son, they had
a man before me...
and they're gonna have
a man after me. Right?
Come here a minute.
I want to show you something.
You're gonna love that. Sit down.
- How's your old man doing?
- Fine.
How old is he now?
- 74.
- He's 74?
He's about lived his three score
and ten, ain't he, like the Bible said?
Pretty soon he'll be gone.
He'll be dead.
And in the meantime...
what you can hold in
your hand, you got, son.
And what you can taste, you got.
And all the poontang you get,
that's yours, see.
Nobody can take that away from you.
I hate to be the one to tell you this.
But everybody out there...
everybody's a taker. I mean it.
From the top, son, to the bottom.
They're all takers.
And you have got to reach out there,
and you've got to take it.
If you don't...
somebody's gonna reach out there
like that, and they gonna take you.
Does that make sense?
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
Before you is a young, beautiful,
tender flower of passion.
So I'll tell you what.
You get over there...
I'll bet that pretty little thing will make
you forget whatever's gnawing at you.
Come on, sport, you need to get
your pipes cleaned out anyway.
It's my Tinker.
Here you go, killer, hold that.
You all be nice to one another now.
And I'll see you later. Bye!
Don't I know you from somewhere?
From the political rally.
Alligator.
Yeah.
Don't you find me pretty?
Yeah.
I'm thinking of adopting you.
Why are you so far away?
Come here.
I'll treat you like a king.
Why would you want to do that?
I could do things.
Certain things.
How old are you?
Fifteen and a half.
Fifteen and a half?
Ain't nobody up here older than 16.
Bama likes it that way.
Bridger, I won't let you down.
I never have let anyone down.
Just don't worry.
Bridger, he's busy
making the collection.
Look, it takes time to build a case
like this. You know, and I know.
I'm at his...
I'm at my hotel now.
Nice.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you a registered
guest at this hotel?
I'm not.
Then you'll have to leave.
Now.
Bridger, I'll get back to you!
I'll see you. $400.
Call.
Them fours look kind of small,
now, don't they?
Bama, I want to talk
to you a minute, okay?
Damn, Gator!
I'm gonna have to change
your name to Rabbit.
Son, don't interrupt me
while I'm winning at poker.
Now!
I believe you're serious.
Smiley, take Gator in the bar.
Bones.
Take care of this. Fellas, excuse me.
Sugar, I'll be back in a minute.
Chalky.
Fix us a couple of drinks.
What's on your mind?
I want out.
I want to go home.
There ain't nothing waiting on you
at home except a whiskey bust.
I'll worry about that when I get home.
I've seen your operation.
I don't like what I've seen.
All right, I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll have a drink. Okay?
And we'll talk about it.
I always could drink your ass
under the table, anyway.
That's a great accomplishment.
Make those drinks strong ones.
I want to ask you something,
and I want you to tell me the truth.
Did you ever kill anybody?
Not so as you'd notice.
Have a good trip, Gator.
How much do you figure you
owe the state in back taxes?
Probably, if they tried real hard...
they'd get me $65,000
to 70,000, earning.
What if I told you...
that I knew for sure...
you could pay 'em back $20,000
and that'd be all you owed 'em.
You could...
give up all this stuff, you know.
Hell, I don't want to forget this stuff.
I kind of like this stuff.
Now what else is on your mind?
Nothing.
Good-bye.
I don't know what you're
worried about $20,000 for.
You can sell Bones here
for $10,000 to the circus.
He has a wonderful sense
of humor, don't you, Bones?
Am I talking too fast for you, Bones?
They must be a lot of fun to talk to.
A lot of fun.
- Great conversationalists.
- They are.
You sure are having a good time off
that junk old Bones put in your drink.
Did you put something in my drink?
Yellows.
"Yellows."
"Yellows."
That's a good color for you.
"Yellows."
He's making me mad.
"He's making me mad."
All right, Gator, look.
- You're gonna pass out in a minute.
- Pass out?
Yeah, you're gonna pass out.
Now, when you wake up...
you're gonna be in your car,
just outside the county line.
- I'm gonna pass out in a minute?
- You'll pass out in a minute.
Now you wanna go home.
That car's gonna be pointed.
You drive it there, hear me?
'Cause I love you, boy.
So don't make me hurt you.
- I'm gonna pass out in a minute?
- Just about a minute.
I'll just stand here for a minute,
and wait to pass out.
I'll just stand here between two men...
that ought to be P.O.'d at God...
because when he was
handing out brains...
he didn't give you nothing but height...
and you nothing but teeth.
- You'd say about a minute?
- Yeah.
I'd say about 50 seconds have gone by.
Making me...
Nine, eight, seven, six...
Nine, eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one.
One, right?
I only got one second?
Oh, shit!
I'm still here.
Now wait a minute.
What am I laughing about?
I ought to be gone by now.
I was...
I was way off.
Way off.
You put him in the car like I said,
and you take him to the county line.
And don't you hurt him.
See, what's important, Charlie,
sitting and drinking like this...
it's the information and the
connection and the deal, you know?
You gotta know who the guy
with the brass nuts is.
You know what I mean? That's it.
Where are you from, buddy?
North of here.
Like 1,200 miles north?
Oh, no!
You don't look like
you're from around here.
I don't get out much.
What are you asking Charlie
all those questions for?
Charlie don't know a damn
thing about anything.
Why don't you just talk
about getting some squish?
That's exactly what
we were talking about.
I think you'd be better off...
You got to lose a few, like me.
Too big. And too much.
Did you ever hear of the water diet?
I mean, water's good, and ice.
Ice is very good for you, see.
Actually, a ton of ice.
This is Pogie. Let me
talk to Mr. McCall.
It's him. Okay.
I mean, eight glasses.
It's like a kind of a crash,
you know what I mean? Like a chicken.
Hello, Mr. Greenfield.
You don't know me.
I always used to see you up
at the State Capitol Building.
You're with the U.S. Department
of Justice. Am I right?
No!
I believe you got me mixed
up with my brother Irving.
My name is Tex. Tex Greenfield.
No, I've seen you up at the hotel.
I figured I'd seen you from someplace,
but I couldn't quite figure it out.
I think I gotta go now.
I got a couple of squishes
waiting for me over at...
So I got to putting
two and two together.
Mr. Greenfield and the Justice Department
are down here working on something.
You got something going, am I right?
You didn't finish your beer.
You know, it's funny to see a
guy like you in a place like this.
Seems like you might've
come to see the law.
I gotta go now.
Okay, Charlie!
- I gotta go.
- I know. The beer.
I'm sorry.
God!
I'm sorry, Mr. Greenfield.
I'm really sorry.
As soon as I heard you were over here,
I came over without my breakfast.
- Wonderful.
- How is he, Doc?
Contusion and hematoma
of the left testicle.
Left inguinal hernia, cervical neck strain
and sprain, fractures of the ribs, clavicle...
Out, Doc.
Thank you, Doc.
Dr. James Nicholson, reception.
We don't want those
federal people thinking...
that we didn't do right
for one of their fellows.
I'm sorry.
You wouldn't.
There were two of them.
One was big.
Biggie!
We're gonna get a full description just
as soon as you start feeling better.
- Mr. McKlusky, Eyewitness News here.
- Holy Christ!
Is it true Mr. Greenfield is an
undercover government agent?
I don't know what you're talking about.
The police said he was
arrested while being drunk...
and they didn't know what his
assignment is. Could you tell us?
- Miss Maybank?
- Maybank.
The only thing I know is that Mr. Greenfield,
what he does for a living...
He works for a ladies' hygiene spray.
I believe it's called "Sprunt."
Very clever.
Is there anything I can do for you?
No. Oh, yeah.
You can get me a private phone...
or does Bama McCall have
Southern Bell locked up, too?
No, we gonna get you your phone.
Sorry about hitting that hand.
- The police beat him up, didn't they?
- Want a MoonPie?
No, thank you.
- It was the police, wasn't it?
- How the hell do I know?
- You're a lot smarter than you look.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
- Want some coffee?
No, thank you.
- Are you following me?
- I am.
Good.
- What is Greenfield?
- Oh, shit...
Department of Justice or State Police?
Take a left.
- Take a left? That's very funny.
- You think so?
- I think it is.
- You're a schmuck.
- Did you learn that at Vassar?
- Radcliffe.
- I want to see Greenfield.
- You do?
- I do. I think you can arrange it.
- I think I will.
I remember when I was
a kid in Brooklyn...
there were guys like Thurman Arnold
and Fiorello LaGuardia around.
- What do you think they'd do now?
- Fiorello who?
LaGuardia, you putz!
He cleaned up New York 35 years ago.
It got dirty again.
I know this woman. Emmeline Cavanaugh.
She showed me all the phony tax
records of McCall and Caffrey.
- Come on, you're kidding.
- I'm not.
Listen, if she can
get anything, I mean...
anything in phony tax accounting,
there's a reward in it for her.
- Are you sure she had access to records?
- Yes.
- Oh, my God!
- That's right.
She worked at City Hall for 22 years,
and Caffrey just fired her.
That's it.
Go back to your brat kid
and your moonshine.
- Get out of my hair!
- Wait.
- Am I off the hook? Can I go home now?
- I'm telling you to get out of my life!
Mr. Greenfield,
we're gonna have to sedate you.
Sedate me, my ass!
What did you say?
I said, "Sedate me, my ass!"
Fine!
- Where you going?
- I'm gonna find a massage parlor.
- Don't you want to talk to Miss Cavanaugh?
- Does she give massages?
Look, I don't understand.
Are you working with Greenfield or not?
I'm just trying not to get killed,
to stay out of the slammer.
- Can you understand that?
- What are you talking about?
- You rang?
- Can I buy you a drink?
Is a pig's ass pork?
'Course you can buy me a drink.
Women's lib, I love it.
Just because you buy me a drink,
doesn't mean you own me.
I know how you are,
you turn into an octopus.
You women are all alike.
You're all animals.
My car.
Very conservative.
I'm gonna blow your frigging head off.
Don't do this.
My feet are killing me.
- Let me go!
- You want out? You want loose?
There!
I knew I could count on you.
I've always been your friend, Smiley.
You know that.
I'm gonna take care of you.
You're gonna be all right.
Hi, guy!
Listen...
I think you'll like her. But some
people think she's a little strange.
I can handle strange.
Right.
Do you love my cats? I love my cats.
I love all living things...
except flies.
Caffrey...
is a bad person.
- Would you tell us about the flies? Files?
- I have two cats.
There are two sets of accounts
in Caffrey's personal files.
One he pays taxes on...
one he does not.
What outside companies
is he involved in?
Apex Finance...
Dixie Entertainment,
all those gas stations...
all of them owned by
Caffrey and McCall...
and all of them exploiting the masses.
He loves music.
Didn't you see how he loved that?
Yeah, he's going crazy.
Could we talk about the records?
You may have those records.
How is that possible?
You may go with me into the courthouse...
and we will make copies
of all the records.
- Won't that be a little dangerous?
- It'll be thrilling!
But you don't work at
the courthouse anymore.
I don't?
Of course, I don't.
But I detest dishonesty.
So...
I stole the keys.
You see.
- This is it, right here.
- Not now. Wait a minute!
Come on.
Wait. I want to take my babies.
We're not taking the cats!
Then I'm not going.
God!
- Take the cats?
- We're taking the cats.
All right. Now, you take Silver Bell.
There we go.
You take Red.
- Red.
- I've got the keys.
Right.
I can't believe I'm doing this!
You have the strongest hands.
It's just like a spy movie.
She belongs in a rubber room.
You didn't tell me about
the night watchman.
But he's such a nice man.
She's crazy.
- Is this the room, Emmeline?
- No.
This is where all the new books are.
Red is scratching the hell out of me.
He loves you.
We'll go in here.
The Caffrey books are in here.
I'm gonna show you some accounts...
that would knock you out.
This is the Xerox room.
Now, put Red and Silver
down right there...
and I'll get the light.
- Keys.
- Keys, yes.
Is this it?
Now, these are very heavy...
so don't hurt yourself.
There. Here.
Put it on the counter.
Now you stay there,
you little sweethearts.
Now, you see right here.
"C" for Caffrey.
"L" between "R" is "M" for McCall.
- That makes sense.
- Everything's here.
- Where's "McCall"?
- McCall, right here, "Mc."
Here. There. Everything's there.
This is terrific. This is wonderful.
Babies!
We can't carry these
big books outta here.
- But we've got the Xerox machine.
- Right, the Xerox machine.
I got it.
I'll take this one.
Let's get out of here!
My babies!
Where is he?
Stop, or I'll shoot!
Left your keys in the car again,
didn't you, Red?
Shut up!
- Hello.
- Greeny, this is Gator.
We got him.
We got the whole shooting match.
Caffrey's records, McCall's, everything.
Really?
I'll see you in the morning.
Forget tomorrow morning, you schmuck.
What time is it? Where are you now?
I'm nearby, why?
I'm getting dressed.
Meet me at Emergency in five minutes.
What the hell are you talking about?
Greeny?
Two Jews in pain.
Let my people go, already.
Mabel, I think you're being
oversensitive about it all.
He wasn't that way when I dated him...
or when Carol Ann dated him.
Carol Ann did date him, dear.
You didn't know that?
Of course!
No, I mean, if you didn't
know that about him...
I don't know what to tell you.
Good night, Nurse.
See you in the morning.
Good night, Doctor.
Get in the car, fatty!
Get in the car!
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- My name's Irving Greenfield.
- How do you do?
We've got to ditch this car. It's hot.
Then we've got to find a hideout...
and then we've got to get
another getaway car!
Okay, we'll go to my house,
we'll change cars...
then we'll go to my uncle's beach place.
We can stay there.
There's nobody out there now...
Wait a minute. Who said that you
could make all the decisions?
I should be making the decisions.
That was a good decision
that you made there.
- Wasn't that a good one that she made?
- Thank you.
- You're right.
- Right.
All right, Billy Joe, what is it?
Somebody broke in the old file room,
and they got Caffrey's records.
And?
And they got your records. Everybody's.
Oh, my God!
We've got the roads blocked.
The airport. Everything.
They'll never get out of town.
I've been nice to him long enough.
Now I'm gonna kill him.
Have you got '71 there?
'68 and '72 are all mixed up.
Yes.
Not on the pages!
- It's a Class 1 indictment.
- I wish you wouldn't yell at me.
You better get to a phone
and call my office.
Where the hell am I gonna find
a phone at 5:00 in the morning?
I think we can use a little
more firewood, don't you?
Right.
Probably some driftwood
out on the beach.
Probably.
Want to give me a hand?
I'll give you two.
They're going out on the beach
to get some driftwood...
for the fire.
Race you!
I bet they're gonna
walk in the moonlight.
Good luck to them. If there's moonlight,
they'll walk in it. Right?
You're a very masculine man.
Lady, will you give me a break, please?
- I'll bet you think I've never been married.
- I don't care.
I've never been married.
In fact, I've never even been...
Lady!
I'm strangely attracted to you.
Oh, my...
God!
- Feet warm?
- Yes, very toasty.
Know what?
What?
I don't know anything about you.
I don't know anything about me, either.
I don't believe that.
I think you know exactly who you are.
I think I was born about
100 years too late.
I should have been around...
when not having any style was in style.
You're crazy, McKlusky.
You've got style.
You got a lot of style.
Really?
I styled myself right into prison.
Two times.
Four years.
I do one thing good, though.
What's that?
Make pretty babies.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
I can prove it.
Who asked you to?
I'm talking about my
9-year-old daughter.
She's about 9 years old, going on 35.
Where's her mother?
I don't know.
After a couple of years,
she got tired of waiting...
and cutout.
You gonna have some kids sometime?
No.
Ever been to New York City?
- What?
- New York.
Have you ever been to New York?
No.
I hear the only gators they got
up there are in the sewer.
Yes, sir.
Hell, that bugs me.
People come down here
and buy baby alligators.
They go back, and when they
get bored with them...
they flush them down the toilet.
You know what they live on in there?
In the sewers?
Live on giant balls of Tubifex worms.
They're about 12 feet across,
and they go rolling down the sewers.
And they live on that, and sewer rats.
They say they get to be 10 feet.
Do you know what they want
me to do at the station?
They want me to fill this in.
Do you think this looks better?
You mean, the gap filled?
Fill the gap.
Come on. What do you think?
Do you want me to be honest?
Yes.
I think you look a lot better that way.
Male chauvinist porker!
Sure is dark out here.
Quite exciting.
Do you like the ocean?
- I love the ocean.
- Me, too.
It's beautiful.
Sometimes...
I hate to look at it
all at once, though.
I have to look at it a
little bit at a time.
I'm afraid if I look at it all
at once, it'll disappear.
That's the way I have to look at you.
A little bit at a time.
I'm afraid if I look at you all
at once, you'll disappear.
Okay.
You charmed the shirt...
right off my back.
Now what?
Take off Uncle Hunsy's hat.
You got it.
I don't want to get up.
You gotta get up.
What do you want to do?
I want to win a Pulitzer Prize...
and make love to you on the
terrace of a New York apartment.
A penthouse, in fact.
Settle for an old Rotary
Club football trophy...
and a hump in the swamp?
I wouldn't.
I didn't think you would.
You're right.
I'll race you back to the house.
Come on.
Rainbow Club...
$5,473.
- Joe's Market...
- Good morning.
Damn it, McKlusky, you better get
on the phone to Joe Bridger.
It'll take him two hours to get here.
- How will I find a phone?
- I know where there's one.
She knows where there's a phone.
Wait, we need some groceries.
I made out a list.
Lots of cat food and some sandwiches.
You all behave now.
You all behave.
Seven...
eight...
six...
eight...
nine.
Hi, Billy Raybolt.
We found your lost dog.
How much is the reward this time?
Excuse me, I gotta make an important call.
You guys want to step out a minute?
- Just step out a second.
- Tell him we found his lost dog.
He don't believe me.
- Who am I talking to?
- Billy Raybolt.
Billy...
they got...
Billy, they got your dog.
It don't matter who I am.
We got your dog.
How do I know?
'Cause I'm stepping all over him.
Now come get your damn dog!
Here.
Hi. This is Jimmy.
He said he ain't coming.
Why?
'Cause you cursed at him. He ain't
coming till you tell him you're sorry.
Look...
Hello, Billy?
Sorry.
What?
I cross my heart and hope to die.
Stick my... Shove...
Stick my finger in the sky.
Point my finger in the sky.
Okay, now come get your frigging dog.
Okay, out.
I want to make a collect
call to Mr. Jack Bridger.
That news lady's uncle owns a beach
house at 53 Outer Island Lane.
It's out past the boatyard.
All right.
But you keep your guys in,
and let me handle it. Okay?
We don't have time for
you to get back to me.
Get somebody down here.
53 Outer Island Lane...
Dunston Beach.
Right.
- How much was the reward for the dog?
- $1.
Apiece.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
I'm gonna change Red's name to
Mr. Greenfield, 'cause he's so sweet.
Gee, that's terrific.
Go for it.
Try it, partner.
You can reach it.
You're thinking about it, ain't you?
Go ahead.
You might even make it.
Get her the hell out of here.
Let me go! My babies!
Bring her and come on.
- Right in the balls!
- Damn it!
Move, now!
Aggie, we gotta get outta here.
We gotta get outta here, now.
Stay.
Afternoon.
Afternoon, sir.
You got any empty rooms?
This time of season we got a lot
of empty rooms. Take your pick.
- How about that one way down on the end?
- Down there?
You don't have to go that far.
I ain't gonna bother you none.
I just got married.
Newlyweds, you know,
we'd like a little privacy.
Newlywed, huh?
Just got married?
Gonna make some noise tonight?
Maybe a little.
Okay.
Why don't we fill this
card out, let's see...
how'd you like "Mr. Smith," "Mr. Jones"?
Gator McKlusky.
Greenfield's dead.
I'm positive he's dead.
And there'll be some more people dead
if you don't get down here soon.
You understand what I'm telling you?
It's "come and get us" time.
Right.
I'm at the Ocean Plaza Motel,
Dunston Beach.
Get some people down here. Now!
Operator, get me the Dunston
Police Department, please.
Dunston Police Department.
I want to talk to Bama McCall.
Just tell him Gator's calling.
Mr. McCall is not with
the Police Department.
I know that, darling.
But he's got a phone in his big red car.
Just get him on the goddamn phone!
We have someone on the line that
wants to talk to you, Mr. McCall.
He insists he knows you.
Who is it?
He just said Gator.
Put the boy on, honey.
- Gator?
- It's me.
Where you at, boy?
You'll find out.
I want $2,000 and a
plane ticket back home.
I thought you had already gone home.
And what do you want $2,000 for?
I got something you want.
Some papers.
Accounting papers, stuff like that.
I heard all them papers done burned up.
Not all of them.
All right, you got a deal.
Just tell me where I gotta bring them.
$2,000 and a plane ticket back home.
Right, $2,000 and a plane ticket.
All I gotta know is where you're at.
You ain't gonna bring that nasty
old gun with you, are you?
I ain't gonna bring that gun.
The Ocean Plaza Motel.
Dunston Beach.
Turn this son of a bitch around.
You all right?
Yeah.
I need your help.
You got it.
I want you to take those pillows...
and make a couple of lumps
under the bed sheet.
Like you and me?
- Right.
- Okay.
Pull the drapes.
Let's get outta here.
Easy.
I'm going to let you have this one.
Holy shit!
Get out. Move, dummy!
Hi.
Come here.
- I saw you last night.
- You did?
- Yes.
- Did you really?
National! I went national.
Did you hear how Cronkite introduced me?
I don't remember the exact words.
Why not? I do.
"In Dunston County,
Aggie Weedow Maybank has the story."
That's the first time in my whole
life anybody ever said it right.
- I can understand that.
- And I'm sitting in the room...
my hands are dripping sweat,
I was so nervous.
They were sitting around.
I kept thinking:
"What if the tape breaks?
We're on national TV."
You looked wonderful.
I'm so happy.
I didn't even tell you the best part.
They called me from New York,
and they want me to...
Go on, they want you to
go to New York, and what?
CBS called, and they want me
to bring some tapes over...
and do some interviews.
Probably nothing will happen.
It Will.
'Cause you want it so much.
I want it more than
anything in the world.
I know.
I wanted you to meet my daughter.
I'd love to meet her someday.
I love you.
I know.
New York?
I learned a lot from you.
I learned a lot from you, too.
I'll see you.