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Gendarme Et Les Gnedarmettes, Le (Never Play Clever Again) (1982)
Don't you miss our old place,
Cruchot? Times change, sergeant, and we have to change with them. Come in. Can I borrow your vacuum cleaner? - Of course, Germaine. This place is quite roomy. Thanks, Jospha. It looks like a frightening monster, but it's not. In no time, this machine has the answer to everything. It knows even the most intimate secrets of our fellow citizens. Take Cruchot's file, for instance. Sergeant, with all due respect, but I refuse. It will all not be true. Cruchot, Ludovic, Maryvonne. Born on the 31st of July in Courbevoie. Tendency towards hypocrisy and schizophrenia. Used to bite his friends as a child. - Not at all. Used to pull fly wings out. - A dragonfly. Once. Peed in bed until the age of 14. Well, well, Cruchot... Pee never. Only number two. Not very democratic, is it? - Clean the sergeant's desk. We're all in. Perlin, you stay here. Blonde. 1.70 meters, at first sight. Chest size, hip size... Her address... Her phone number... My data... Can't we do things together? Yes, at my parents' in Sweden. Perlin, don't touch that. Come on. Attention. At ease. And gentlemen, do you like the new place? Very good, colonel, very good. No problems with the computer? It looks much more complicated than it is. I see you already tested it. What's that filth? - The machine. Who dared? I'll start an investigation. - Never mind. Anyway, you've already got used to the machine. We still have an obsolete model at headquarters, ourselves. From now on, only use it professionally... ...and not for your personal delusions. Gentlemen, I have a difficult task for you. You're capable of treating women courteously. Don't disappoint me. Four young, female assistants will be trained by you. We might be a bit short on space. So we'll have to sit a bit closer. They're staying with the sisters. So, that's agreed. When will they be coming? With the 03.45 pm train in Hyres. They'll have to work closely together with you. But be careful. Avoid any risks. Mind their safety. That's all, gentlemen. Attention. Attention. Don't pretend to be tough. Remember who and where you are. It's not a mixed school. Remember that. You're such a macho, chief. - Four days on water and bread. That will make you... Can I go with you to the station? - And me too? Me neither? - I said No. Silence. Common courtesy says the superior will go. So, I'm going. Can I join you, my dear sergeant? - Brownnoser. Yes, as driver. You mind the store. Gendarmes! Let's go. Ladies, welcome. Cruchot, the luggage. We're staying in the Les Bleuets pension. We're taking you to the gendarmerie. And you'll stay with the nuns. Excuse me, ladies, I'm late. Goodbye. Goodbye. Cruchot, we're going back. They were not our gendarmettes. - Not at all. You made me come here for nothing. - You gave the order, sergeant. What? Me? - Yes, you. Wait, no, it was me. I remember now. Faster. Faster. Give me the wheel. Cups and saucers. - Jam. Sugar and tea. Lemon. Teaspoons and serviettes. - Milk. Petit fours. - And the flowers. Now what? - They're here, sergeant. In the waiting room. - Stay here. They're ruining it for us. Sergeant Gerber. Welcome, ladies. Chief Cruchot. Kepi. - Got it. Take it off. Christine Rocourt. Marianne Bonnet. Isabelle Leroy. Yo Macumba. How did you get here? - We missed the train. By plane and by cab. Sit down. I arranged for some refreshments. That was all. Now go. No, I'll do it. Dear children, first of all I want to put your minds at rest... I hope our collaboration will be productive and candid. I'm receiving you very clearly, sergeant. Here you go, sergeant. Cruchot, hot. Hot, Cruchot. Sit down. Sit down and make yourself very small. Very small. I hope we're not disturbing? No, not at all. We were just welcoming our young interns. It will be a lovely work experience. Mrs. Cruchot. And my wife, Mrs. Gerber. The girls are staying with the sisters. Shall we take them there then, sergeant? Of course. So you have time off until tomorrow morning. Be here at 7. The keys... The keys of the... The keys of the Mehari. Come change your pants. Rest well. After you, darling. So, sweetheart... Been shopping? I've got a sweater for you. Enough Playboy style, I hope. Try it on. Can somebody drive us? The keys. Here are the keys. Ready, girls? Women in the gendarmerie. And a black woman too. Jospha, our civilization is on its last legs. Could be a new start for you. No, darling. They'll never get to see the man inside me. For them, I'll only be their chief Cruchot. Wait and see. Don't exaggerate. Those girls were forced on us. That was an order and orders are executed. End of discussion. It's not an unpleasant order, is it? We'll wait and see what they're worth on the job. Look at what I do. The car registration. - But I didn't do anything wrong. Open the boot. I could see right away he was ok. A matter of experience. Can I try? Hello, sir. A little check. Can I see your registration? My pleasure. Thank you, that's all. - Not even a tiny fine? Prevention is better than repression. Goodbye. Didn't I do it well? - I've got a little fly in my eye. Show me. - Maybe I should... Ah, yes. Right. Yes, there it is. Yes, that's a lot better. Yes, a lot better. Everything ok? Get lost, you. There was a fly in my eye. It's gone already, chief. And? - Let's go there. Get lost, you. Are you ill, old man? I'll give you 5 minutes exactly to get out of town. Get on, we'll get them out of here. - Damn, my motorbike. Are you ok? Christine... Come, come. Wait. You have beautiful eyes. Need a hand, Perlin? - We shook of the gang. No, chief, no. - To the car. To the car. Come closer, darlings. Come closer. Spying on half naked creatures. You disappoint me, Mr. Cruchot. You're mistaken. My men are out of line with our girls. Aren't you out of line yourself? You're possessed by the devil. - I'm surveying. Honestly? Yes, look for yourself. Do you see filthy Beaupied with the black woman? She's a real black. You see them? - No, nothing. Wait. No, they're not there anymore. They're gone. Were here. - You were there. We just arrived, chief. - Exactly. It's the sun, chief. Get a hold. And remember: if you lie to us, you lie to God. Come on, sister Thrse. I'll get you. You took her paddling, didn't you? What are you talking about? - Yes, paddling. What's that? - Sweat, chief. You're terrorizing us. What a terrible head. We're going back. Follow me. Now you. Authoritative look, curt manner... ...and smooth transitions. Go on. That's bit stiff. Wait. Again, from the start. Chief, what's happening? Did you do all that? They're looking at me instead of the signs. Why would that be, chief? Attention. Get out of here. Well, I'm buggered. I can't even go dancing anymore. That Cruchot is really trying to kill us. They need to go from theory to practice. Tomorrow, we'll let them go on their own. Another glass of wine? - No, thank you. What are they doing now? - They're off duty now. I'm going to have a look in town. - No, leave them alone. Go to bed now, go. - Thank you. Goodnight. I'm going to have a look anyway. Look, Yo, this was in my bag. Wait for me tonight at 11. Your future may depend on it. A friend. Strange, no? - A gendarme? What did you think? - Will you leave your light on? No, I'm going to sleep. - For sure? That's him. That's him. You again. - Not me, it was the other one. Just like on the beach. You're misbehaving. Get out. Go. Scramble. I'll get him. - And you, to bed. Go. So it was you? - What? I was what? Naughty boy. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm on about. Ludovic. Come up. Attention. Attention. I see you're still suffering from Saturday night fever. Nightly visits to the young ladies. I should have bought a guitar, instead of a sweater. Sweetheart, I can explain everything. Never mind, I just saw how you operate. And that girl is sick. She's a drooling loser. You think I'm crazy? You think I'm crazy? - Yes. Don't lie. Sister Marie-Ange just called me. You don't know a thing. But I will soon. Wait for me tonight. Your future may depend on it. Doesn't sound familiar? - It's been typed on the old machine. Where is it? - No idea. You never know anything. I know, chief. It's in the basement. To the basement. To the basement. Ok, go. Come in. What do you want? I think this is yours, sergeant. My wife will sew it back on. - Your wife? She went to her sister. - The sister who... Where did you find that button? - In the basement. In the basement? What were you doing there? This was typed on the old machine, by the person who lost this. You're accusing me? My wife thought I was there last night. But I was only surveying. You've been bitten by the spy virus. I'd go through fire and water for you, but now my wife suspects me... Turn yourself in, sergeant. My marital bliss depends on it. I understand. I understand, Cruchot. But I have to admit something too. I was in a crazy mood. It was a moment of insanity. Cruchot, don't mention it to Germaine. I don't think little Ludovic should pay for it. What if the Big Bear swears eternal gratitude to Ludovic? Cruchot, ask me anything. Anything? - Anything. Attention. General. - At your service, general. Every morning you come recite an ode to my greatness. In rhyme. - It will rhyme, general. I love you, general. - I love you, marshal. I love you, marshal. - I love you, marshal. That's it. I'm going for a walk. - Be careful. Do you want to take my transmitter? Come on, girls, to bed. Tonight at 10, Plage des Boucaniers. I have something to tell you. Don't be afraid. It's something professional. Glory to you, brave soldier, bold gendarme. Your heroism warms our heart. Your strength is immense and your courage unique. We embrace your image, oh Cruchot Ludovic. Is that good enough, general? Did you see Isabelle? - She disappeared. We told her: Don't go on your own. The place is crawling with lady-killers. Isabelle Leroy has disappeared. The Mehari was found near the bay of the Boucaniers. Nobody. Just a handbag. - Of Isabelle Leroy. Are we leaving the car here, or do we return it? Search the surroundings. What should we do, sergeant? Solve this case and take Yo Macumba with you. Show her how professionals work. And? We found nothing. - She hasn't evaporated into thin air. She's been kidnapped, that much is clear. Look here. This is were the trail ends. There was a fight here. A body has been dragged to the sea here. Nonsense, all these James Bond theories. Worthless. And what about this? We'll let them think they're dealing with a maniac. We have to distract them. They can't look our way. We've got the first piece of the puzzle. Don't rush it. First we need to have all the elements. Do whatever's necessary. Did everything go well? A sailor invited me to his yacht. The womanizers. - Let's pick up Marianne. Where did she go? - Marianne. Was it here? - This is were we dropped her off. Look. To think they trusted us with those girls. And two in a row get stolen. They didn't really disappear. They're making fools of us. - Are you seasick or something? It's in your interest to find them quickly. If the colonel hears about this, we'll be transferred to Maubeuge. Or to the Kerguelen islands. Do you know them? I assure you that's not something I look forward to. Come in. Do you know where the Kerguelen islands are? What is it? - This came with the mail, sergeant. They were so cute in their little uniforms. Don't look for them. Don't say a word to anybody, or you'll never see them again. The Brain. The Brain. Damn. Sergeant, the colonel's coming. The colonel. Not a word from anybody. Get to work. As is nothing happened. Get to work. Colonel. How are the interns doing? Very well, colonel. - Good. At the end of the week, the minister will come to inspect. Prepare to receive him with all your people. That's bad timing, colonel. Why? August is such a busy month. That's a detail. Now I'd like to meet the young ladies. Well, colonel, this morning one was... Come along, colonel. Attention. At ease. As you can see, the young ladies have integrated very well. Gentlemen, to your sector. Leave us alone. Ladies, happy with your daily work here? Introduce yourselves and tell me your impressions. Christine Rocourt. Very happy. Aren't you Yo Macumba? - Yes, colonel. You have no complaints, I hope? No. We're sharing the risk with the men. Don't let them take too much risk. I told you that, didn't I? Also, don't bury them in paperwork. Let them develop their own initiative, but cautiously. Ay you wish, colonel. In spite of all precautions, accidents are always possible. No. If that happens, you're out. Where are the other two? Weren't there four of them? - Four, right? One plus one is two. Plus two is four, indeed. There they are. - Where? At the intersection. They're controlling the traffic. Between Maubeuge and the Kerguelen islands. No, at intersection 6, colonel. A very complicated intersection. Let's go and look. Is it far? Yes. If you include the detour, it takes an hour... Two. Two hours, colonel. Solve this or I explode. Isn't that a bummer, chief? Maubeuge isn't so bad. Sweethearts. Come with me. Come on, go upstairs. Quick, quick. Undress. That's an order. Give me your clothes. If it's an order... - Better do it. Right. And the rest. Perfect. You're ignoring stop signs. - I didn't see that. No, please, we're on holiday. I'll let you get away with it, but on one condition. Come along. Time for the bottle. Put this on. No questions. Your girlfriend too. That's my husband. - Yes, my name is Georges. Don't worry. We'll take a shortcut and we'll get there. We've taken shortcuts for 45 minutes and we're not getting anywhere... It takes very long to get there. Some shortcuts are really long. Gerber, do we have far to go? - I said two hours, colonel. I think we're going in circles. - Everybody can see that, colonel. You'd better find them. Hello, Delta 3. We're coming. They're at the intersection of the Three Farms. Why did you move? They're showing initiative, colonel. Let them talk. Or are they mutes? Who is Isabelle Leroy? - She is. I knew a horseman in Saumur. Then that's not a relative of mine. My father is a butcher, colonel. Marianne Bonnet. Her father was sub lieutenant with the alpine hunters. She has a vocation. Mama and I love handsome men in uniform. Men like you, colonel. You have such class. - It's getting late, colonel. Gerber, don't interrupt the lady. What are you doing with that child? - It was abandoned. Maybe by a woman with no means. Give it to me. You're holding it wrong. Take it from me. Bring it to a care center or something. They get along well. Careful, Gerber. No ethical problems in the family. Now call the other two. - You already saw them. I want to see them again. Cruchot, go get them. - Get them. They can't be long. Do you never know where they are? Come here, you. - Ma'am. Excuse me, colonel. Hurry. Hurry. Come on. You need two? - Two what? Two half naked girls in our room. I'll get him for that, just wait. Who are you talking about? Don't lie or I'll scream. You're obsessed. - It's for Sacrament day. Quick. Quick. That way. Stay here. Don't make it any harder. Did you see my husband? - He's very busy. Well, I'll be! I'll kill him. I'll kill myself. And I want a divorce. Excuse me, madam. Have you been back long? Had a good trip? The arrival wasn't so good. They're at your place. - My place? Oh no. Oh yes. - No. Yes. - No. Do we need reinforcements? Honey, I can explain everything. Who told them to undress? He did. - He did. I'll get you. - And you'll do anything for it. The boat's sinking. We're drowning. Get dressed quickly. You too, sweetheart. - Shut up or I'll bite. After his inspection here, the minister will receive the president of Boungawa. Do you know that president's name? Leopold Macumba. So our negro... our black... - His daughter. She didn't say anything because she didn't want any favoritism. How admirable of her. - So we have to keep a close eye on her. There they are. - Finally. Ladies, it was a bit early to let you go out on the streets alone. And I want to talk to you in private. Arrange everything for the official visit at the end of the week. So everything turned out alright. Thanks to whom? Thanks to me, Gerber. - Attention. Yo Macumba is the daughter of the president of Boungawa. Thanks to your little schemes, we nearly had a catastrophe on our hands. My wife almost killed me. So enough with your attitude. Understood, Cruchot? Attention. - At your service, general. Damn. - Damn. If you need something, ask me directly. This is my private number. How nice, colonel. Only for you and your female colleagues. For when they need advice. So we're two short. We can't lose the remaining two. Especially the black one. I trust you with her. Each to their own, Cruchot. Let's not let them go out of our sight. As you wish, sergeant. Come in. What do you want? You have been able to hide the truth from the colonel. But how are you going to find them? You have an idea, don't you? - More than one. I have to go now. See you later. See you later. No, wait, I'll go with you. Where are you going? - To the pharmacy. Corypol eye drops... I sell these very rarely. Shall I order them for you? - No, never mind. Twelve francs, sir. A beer for me. You have a very nice boat. Why do you moor so far from the harbor? Do you want to see it? - I love boats and sailors. Some of them, that is. After work... If I had a date with somebody like you... I'd arrive 5 minutes early. Keep the uniform. Why not right now? Ok. I have to make a phone call first. Yes, of course. I'll put her on. Miss Macumba... Hello? Yes. What's happening? - Remember Isabelle's eye drops? They don't sell them often. I'm here with the man who just bought them at the pharmacy... Christine. Hello? She's gone. Where are you going? - To Christine, the harbor. Was there a young police woman here? - There, near the phone. Her address book. The number of the gendarmerie. Miss Rocourt. Miss Rocourt. Where is Christine? - I only found this. I go this way, you go that way. And I go that way. - Yes. No. Stay with her. If you lose her, we can commit hara-kiri. Where's the closest beach? - That way. Miss Macumba. Miss Macumba. Her purse... Sergeant... No, sergeant. Don't lose courage now. We have to act. I've had it. I'm calling the colonel. Hello? Yes, it's me. What? Why? I'm coming. There he comes. Attention. Gerber. You've made a fool out of me. You get to train four girls and you let them be kidnapped. Not enough manpower. - You want to report a missing person? And the worst thing about it is the black one. A disaster. If president Macumba hears about this... Do you know how much oil he provides? You're going to find the girls. And without a car. Take your bike, like in the old days. You'll get an idea what life is like without oil. Remember the young police woman who came to make a phone call? Did anyone here talk to her? Yes, a sailor. - From which yacht? Which yacht? You know, there are many boats here. We'll search them one by one if we have to... Olsen speaking. They want to search all the boats. There's one thing missing. We have to find it. Scare them in the meantime. But don't go too far. That knife almost got me. - And what about the geranium. We're making progress. The Brain wants to scare us. What's that? What's that? Stop searching, or they'll all die. The Brain. Germaine. Germaine. - Jospha. Jospha. Germaine. Germaine... What's happening? - You're still there. Germaine. - She's not here. Don't go outside, no matter what. Stay inside, that's an order. Ludovic, what's wrong with you? The wife of the sergeant. Why? The fourth girl didn't have a bracelet. The sergeant's wife might have one. But they told us: only the girls in uniform. Who's wearing the last bracelet? Maybe a new gendarmette. We have to find her. Quickly. And now my wife. This is really too much. My little Germaine... I'm sure they won't hurt her, sergeant. My little Germaine... We have to strike, sergeant. - Set a trap. We have to lure them with a woman in uniform. There are no more women. All four of them are gone. And now poor Mrs. Gerber too. But still. Still. Think hard. - I do, but I come up with nothing. Think harder. Oh no. Not Jospha. Not Jospha. Cruchot, now is the moment. Have her put on a uniform. That's an order. I have to help arrest the maniac. It would be criminal to refuse. Take this bag too. And this. Details are important. Ready? - At your service. If anything happens to her, I'll eat your liver wrapped in bacon. In five minutes you go out alone and follow this route. Cruchot. Where is Cruchot? Cruchot, you wait for her here. I hate you. - We'll keep an eye on you. I'll put men on all strategic locations. I forbid you. - Do you have a better idea? Yes. Fig Tree here. Take over, Lemon Plant. Lemon Plant here. I'm not losing sight of her. Lemon Plant and Almond Tree. She's being followed. She defends herself well. Papa Cruchot isn't wearing the pants at home. A new one, with a bracelet. I wanted to grab her, but I failed. It stinks of police here. Raspberry Bush, she's coming your way. Understood. Hello Sugar Cane, Raspberry Bush here. Your wife is coming by here now. Where did she go? The bracelet. The last part of the code. Not exactly Miss Universe. Oh no, a transvestite. A gendarme. Lock him with the girls. You let them eat the bait. And where's Cruchot now? What are you doing here? What? Is that you? We followed you all night, in uniform. Ludovic went in my place. Where is he? - So that wasn't you back there? We'll find him. - Has he been kidnapped too? That's what happens when you don't obey orders. Find him, quickly. This is taking too long. Or I'll activate the contingency plan. But what do they want? - Our bracelets. Not mine. Who kidnaps five women for their bracelets? You. Come here. Quick. - No, leave him here. Hello, Mr. Cruchot. Your computer has some interesting information. If you have a code of 16 digits. Four digits engraved in four bracelets, that's... Sixteen digits. Is that why you kidnapped them? All four bracelets have been made on different locations. The girls didn't know a thing about it. Well keep the bracelets and return the women to me. First, I want to test the code. Without witnesses. And before the minister arrives. You want the gendarmerie empty? - For one hour. And don't warn anybody, or the ladies... Will I get them back right away? - Promise. My son. You're walking around in womens' clothes now. Such devilish fantasies. - The nation is in danger. Finally. We've been looking for you all night. Where were you? What happened to you? I've forgotten everything. I woke up under an olive tree. You made our last operation fail. But he did go in my place. A beautiful gesture, isn't it? Our women are still missing. I don't care. - It will be alright. Off to mass, you. - I'm not a catholic. Go get baptized then. And the three of you... Go with him and bring two jerry cans of holy water each. Will that help find them? - God promised. And you, Jospha, go get some groceries. Groceries. - I already did. Go back. - What do you need? Three melons. What does all of this mean? Should I get some candy? It's five to. Get me six packs of tobacco in Cogolin. Why in Cogolin? - It's better there. The microclimate. How will the tobacco help? Don't ask me to explain, trust me, in the name of France. And the women? - Outside, in the car. After delivery. Send him away. What's wrong? - They stole my... They motored my stole bike. And what can I do about that? - Arrest the thief. I'm not on duty. - Then I want to file a complaint. There's nobody here. - No. I see somebody. - The cat. She's furious. She bit me. I'm contagious. Done. I've got them. Right, come on. Here they are. - Thank you. My women. - Get in, Mr. Cruchot. You gave me your word. Mr. Cruchot, you're so naive. What do you mean? We now have the plans for the XZ missiles... ...that you want to install on the Lrins Islands. And some information about Larzac. But you and your gendarmettes now know way too much. And we definitely have to eliminate that risk. I'd be surprised if they let us go after all this. What did they do to Cruchot? The same they'll do to us. Let's make ourselves look pretty for the Lord then. That's not my purse, it's yours, Yo. Thank God, we still have a chance. Your famous transmitter. Is it strong enough? Enough to reach some radio amateurs. You can try it, but it might be too late. Stupid. Yo Macumba. Inform the gendarmerie. We're imprisoned and in mortal danger on the Albacora. Fortunately, I know the shortcuts. Darn. Thank you, Lord. Very nice of you. Yes, I'm coming. Careful. Wait. Take it easy. Free your legs. Like that. I just heard an SOS from the gendarmettes. In mortal danger on the Albacora. They're asking for help. Quickly. - Let's go. Don't push me. Why did they kidnap us? The secret code of the computer was engraved in your bracelets. Now we're lost. - Yo sent an SOS. I understand their secrecy. The machine knows more state secrets than all intelligence services combined. And now we sell to the highest bidder. Shall we get rid of our guests? Why not. The rope? The knife? The gun? The sea is deep and the fish are hungry. I want to be killed first. - Alright. And you can all make a last wish. I want to spend my final moments in a man's arms. I want to enjoy one more time... - That would be my dearest wish too. Don't defile your uniforms. We'll take them off. I forbid you. For me it's different. I'm wearing civilian clothes. The old woman stays here. - You're rude. She's a beautiful, seductive lady. Now you tell me that, Mr. Cruchot, now that we have so little time left. We're lost. - Keep it together, dear friend. Who could have imagined? Certainly not the sergeant. Why were you always so reserved? Because of Jospha, the sergeant... Our futures were already planned. Now they converge. Forever? Yes. Feel how my heart beats. At least 110. You're in violation. The limit is 75. I'm going to fine you. Come on, Ludovic, give me a little bit of love. Allow me to call you Jospha then. How nice of you to show up after all. - You only have to take this. Where's my wife? - There. Will you join us for a drink? Gentlemen... Cruchot. Sergeant. Germaine. Alphonse, I knew you'd come. Apparently, you get along very well. I demand an explanation. The air-conditioning was broken. Death was near. Freezing cold. A bit of warmth among friends. A beautiful, pure friendship. The gendarmerie... - Enough. I want the truth. Why did you send me to Cogolin for six packs of tobacco? Congratulations, colonel. The girls were in good hands. There were risks, but I could rely on them. Can I talk to you for a moment, Excellency? Am I interrupting? - It's confidential, colonel. Outrageous. I bet they'll start a union soon, pompous prigs. Excellency, somebody stole our computer secrets. Fortunately, we caught him. We've known about him for a long time. We set him up with false information about the code... ...and he bought it. But minister, does that mean it was all rigged? It was extremely dangerous, you know. You did a good job again. Continue celebrating your victory. If the girls find out how we've been had. But no, sergeant. We're only cogs in the machine. The girls should walk ahead. - We know what we're talking about. Long live the female gendarmes. Bullshit. They're ambitious, Cruchot. - We'll get them, sergeant. |
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