So you want to talk about it?
Oh yeah.
It all started in 1977.
I mean,
that's when I started
doing it regularly.
How many times
have you done it?
Six times.
I've done it six times.
Why do you do it?
I don't know.
It's like I can't help myself.
What does your family think?
Thank God my
family doesn't know.
But how'd you get caught?
They were taping me.
Taping you?
Yeah.
Every time I did it,
they had a tape running.
Jumbo shrimp,
those words don't
even go together, man.
That's like
military intelligence,
they have that, too.
How did they do that?
That's what they tell you,
get on the plane,
get on the plane.
Fuck you,
I'm getting in the plane.
I wonder a lot of things,
but that's my job.
My job is
thinking up goofy shit.
Al Sleet here, your
hippie dippie weather man
with all the hippie
dippie weather, man.
Got into an argument
with my Rice Krispies.
I distinctly heard
Snap, Crackle, fuck him.
Have a nice day.
And the original list was
shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker,
mother fucker and tits.
This was all I could
think of in one sitting.
That's all your house is,
is a place to keep your stuff
while you go out
and get more stuff.
But here's a little cheer,
a lot of people like it,
it goes like this,
rat shit, bat shit,
dirty old twat.
69 assholes tied in a knot.
Hurrah, lizard shit.
Fuck.
I never fucked a 10,
but one night
I fucked five 2s.
Does it strike
you as mildly ironic
that most of the people
who are against abortion
are people you wouldn't want
to fuck in the first place?
And now they're thinking
about banning toy guns,
and they're going to
keep the fucking real ones.
Thank you,
thank you very much.
Welcome to our show.
Don't you think it's
just a little bit strange
that Ronald Reagan had
an operation on his asshole
and George Bush
had an operation
on his middle finger, huh?
Huh?
What are these two
men trying to tell us?
Now I'd like
to begin tonight
with an opening announcement.
Because of the FCC,
I'm never sure what it is
I'm allowed to say,
So.
So I now have my
own official policy.
This is the language you
will not be hearing tonight.
You will not hear me say,
bottom line,
game plan,
role model,
scenario,
or hopefully.
I will not kick back,
mellow out,
or be on a roll.
I will not go for it,
and I will not check it out.
I don't even
know what it is.
And when I leave here,
I definitely will not boogie.
I promise not to refer
to anyone as a class act,
a beautiful person,
or a happy camper.
I will also not be
saying, what a guy.
And you will not hear me
refer to anyone's lifestyle.
If you want to know what a
moronic word "lifestyle" is,
all you have to do is realize
that in a technical sense,
Attila the Hun
had an active,
outdoor lifestyle.
I will also not be
saying any cute things,
like moi,
and I will not use
the French adverb trs
to modify any
English adjectives,
such as trs awesome,
trs narly, trs fabut,
trs intense,
or trs out of sight.
I will not say concept
when I mean idea.
I will not say impacted
when I mean effected.
There will be no hands on
state of the art networking.
We will not maximize,
prioritize or finalize,
and we definitely
will not interface.
There will also...
There will also be
no new age lingo
spoken here tonight,
no support group jargon
from the human
potential movement.
For instance, I will not
share anything with you.
I will not relate to you,
and you will not
identify with me.
I will give you no input,
and I will expect
no feedback.
This will not be a
learning experience,
nor will it be
a growth period.
There'll be no sharing,
no caring,
no birthing,
no bonding,
no parenting,
no nurturing.
We will not establish
a relationship,
we will not have
any meaningful dialogue,
and we definitely will not
spend any quality time.
We will not be
supportive of one another
so that we can get
in touch with our feelings
in order to feel
good about ourselves.
And if you're one
of those people
who needs a little space,
please, go the fuck outside!
We will,
we will, however,
be talking about
those little moments
that seem to last forever.
Have you ever been
in a serious social situation
when you suddenly realize
you have to pull the underwear
out of the crack in your ass?
Do you take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
Huh?
Who, her?
Oh, hell yeah.
Well, it's one of life's
little moments, isn't it?
It's one of those
little moments
you have to deal
with at the time.
You can't postpone that.
You can't put that off
and be walking
around like this.
You've got to get in there
and clear that thing out.
You've got to
rescue your underwear.
There's a letter
in your mailbox.
That's right.
And you have to rectify
that situation
so that you can move along
to your next
embarrassing moment,
which is probably
scheduled immediately.
That's the way life is,
full of those little moments.
Everybody knows them,
everybody recognizes them.
You ever been at
a really loud party,
I mean, a good loud party
where the music
is playing too loud
and everybody is
talking too loudly,
and in order to be heard
even by the person
standing right next to you,
you've got to be screaming
at the top of your lungs.
But every now
and then at a party,
it seems as though everyone
shuts up at the same time.
And only your voice,
can be heard.
Right, I know.
I know.
Well, what I'm going to do,
I'm going to have
my testicles laminated.
Life's little moments.
You ever been
talking to someone
and you laugh
through your nose
and blow a snot
on your shirt.
And you have to just
kind of keep talking,
you know,
and make believe
it's part of the design.
Works all right if you're
wearing a Hawaiian shirt,
but otherwise
they're going to notice.
Ed, you got a big
snot on your shirt.
Some guys are
really cruel, you know.
And some of these things
are not even your fault.
These little
things that happen,
you didn't cause
the situation,
a lot of time
you're the victim.
You walk into
some situation,
and suddenly you're the one
who's taking all the heat.
Not your fault.
Give you an example of
the kind of thing I mean.
Did you ever meet somebody
and you go to
shake the guy's hand
and you suddenly realize
he doesn't have
a complete hand?
And you got to make
believe it feels great,
Right, you can't go ahhhhhhhh,
ahhhhhhhh!
Ahhhhh!
You can't do that.
It's not even an option.
You got to hang
in there and say hi,
hey, swell hand.
Give me three.
Hi 3, yo!
Not your fault.
You didn't cause that.
You weren't even there
when it happened to the guy.
You were probably
out walking your dog,
which is what
I'm usually doing,
walking my dog.
Because I love my dog.
I love all my dogs.
I love every dog I ever had.
I remember them all,
and I love every one of them,
still love all my dogs.
And I've had me a
lot of God damn dogs.
In my lifetime I have had me
a bunch of different dogs.
Because you do keep getting
a new dog, don't you?
You just keep getting
one dog after another.
That's the whole
secret of life.
Life is a series of dogs.
It's true, you just keep
getting a new dog, don't you?
That's what's good about them,
they don't live too long.
And you can go get
a new God damn dog.
Sometimes you can get a dog
looks exactly like the dog
you used to have, right?
You shop around a little bit,
you can find a dog
identical to your former dog.
And that's real handy
because you don't
have to change
the pictures on your
mirror or anything,
right?
You just bring the dead
one into the pet shop,
throw him up
on the counter,
say give me
another one of them.
That was real good.
And they'll give
you a carbon copy
of your ex-God damn dog.
Now, my favorite dog
that I ever had in my
whole lifetime was Tippie.
Tippie was a good dog.
Some of you remember,
I've talked about Tippie.
Tippie was a good dog.
Tippie was a mixed terrier.
You know that word mixed
that the veterinarian
puts on the form
when even he don't know
what the fuck you got.
You bring in a little mixed
puppy to a veterinarian
and say, what is it?
He'll say, well,
it's definitely not a monkey.
Tippie was actually
part Dodge Dart.
Poor Tippie was full of guilt,
so much so in fact she's
the only dog I ever had
who committed suicide.
Yeah, well, we don't say it
like that around the house.
We say she put
herself to sleep.
But she ran out in
front of a milk truck.
That's fucking suicide.
But that was her decision.
That's what
Tippie wanted to do.
And that's the way
it is in our family,
if you want to commit suicide,
we back you up.
So we supported Tippie
in her little
suicide decision,
then we brought
her into the pet shop,
threw her up on
the counter, and said,
give us something bigger.
We're trading up.
We was looking for
a bigger God damn dog.
Because Tippie
had been teenie,
even before
the truck came by.
The truck had
made her teenier,
wider, but teenier.
And we was looking for
a bigger God damn dog.
Not too big, you know,
I don't like a dog
who's bigger than I am.
It's bad enough looking
for shit in one direction
without having to duck
flying turds as well.
A good rule of thumb is
keep the dog's
asshole below eye level.
So we compromised,
and we got us a mid-sized dog,
knee high, just about
like this size here,
best size you can
own, by the way.
Most people know,
this is the ideal
size dog to have.
You know why,
anybody comes to visit you,
the first thing
that dog does
is take his nose and put it
right in their crotch.
Oohh, oohh,
he smells my dog.
No, Marge, I don't believe
that's the animal he has in mind.
And people get
embarrassed by that,
especially the
owner of the dog.
The owner's the one
who's saying stop that,
stop that, will you
stop that now, stop it.
I'm awfully sorry about this.
Not me, I say, get in
there and get some of that.
Get in there and sniff
that thing out, go on.
Listen, would you mind
spreading your
legs a little bit
so he can get right in there?
Yeah, stand like this for
a little while, would you?
Okay, looking good now.
So how's your mom
and dad doing, anyway?
Well, God bless them,
it's a wonderful couple.
Go around the back,
check it out in the back.
Sniff that other
thing in the back there.
What's that?
Well, there's two
different smells he likes,
what can I tell you.
Don't pay him no attention,
he'll be finished in
just about half an hour.
So listen, Reverend,
it's real nice of you to
come and call on us like this.
Every one of us is always
glad to see you around here,
especially that God damn dog.
Those dogs are great,
they'll break the ice
when a new
neighbor comes to call.
Hi, we're the Johnsons.
What's his name?
Ball Sniffer.
He's a crotch hound.
Let me know if you
want to get circumcised,
he's on duty
till 5:00 o'clock.
Dogs are a constant
source of entertainment.
Did you ever have a
dog that ate cat turds?
Some of them do,
some of you must know that?
Did you ever have a
dog eat cat turds?
Yeah.
Of course you got to
have a cat, you know.
You can't be buying cat
turds at the supermarket.
But it's true, some dogs
will eat cat turds, yeah.
Don't let them
lick you that day.
Get a bottle of
Listerine for him.
Try to make him gargle.
Pour it down his throat
and tell him to howl.
Come on, howl,
howl, God damn it.
Stomp on his tail.
Howl, I said,
God damn it, howl.
Oh, dogs are a lot of fun.
Did you ever have a dog
that ate a bunch
of colored balloons
and then he takes a shit
and it's real decorative like?
Or sometimes at Christmas
they'll eat some tinsel
and take a shiny shit.
Wow, look, mom,
can we hang it on the tree?
Well, it is considered
good luck in some cultures.
Here's a little
household hint for you.
This will help you
clean up after your dogs.
Feed your dog a
lot of rubber bands.
Put a lot of rubber bands
in with his regular food,
then when he takes a shit,
there's usually a little
loop in the end of it.
You just pick it
up by the loop,
do you know what I mean?
Throw it in the
neighbor's yard.
Yeah.
That's why I travel around,
give these little
household hints.
Bet you never read
that one in Heloise, huh?
Yeah, about time for me to
get a little drink of water.
Figure this stuff
is safe to drink.
Huh?
Actually, I don't care
if it's safe or not,
I drink it anyway.
You know why?
Because I'm an American,
and I expect a little cancer
in my food and water.
That's right.
I'm a loyal American,
and I'm not happy
unless I've let
government and industry
poison me a
little bit every day.
Let me have a few hundred
thousand carcinogens here.
Ah.
A little cancer
never hurt anybody.
Everybody needs a
little cancer, I think.
It's good for you,
keeps you on your toes.
Besides, I ain't
afraid of cancer,
I had broccoli for lunch.
Broccoli kills cancer.
A lot of people
don't know that,
it's not out yet.
It's true, you find
out you got some cancer,
get yourself a fucking
bowl of broccoli,
that'll wipe it right
out in a day or two.
Cauliflower, too.
Cauliflower kills
the really big cancers,
the ones you can
see through clothing
from across the street.
Broccoli kills
the little ones,
the ones that are slowly
eating you away from inside,
while your God damn
goofy half-educated doctor
keeps telling you,
you're doing fine, Jim.
In fact, bring your doctor
a bowel of broccoli,
he's probably got cancer, too,
probably picked
it up from you.
They don't know
what they're doing,
it's all guesswork
in a white coat.
Here, let me have a few more
sips of industrial waste.
Ah,
maybe, maybe I can turn them
cancers against one another.
That's what you got
to hope for, you know,
that you get more
than one cancer
so they eat each other
up instead of you.
In fact, the way
I look at it,
the most cancer you got,
the healthier you are.
Well, I know, some people
don't like you to
talk about those things,
I know that.
Some people don't like you
to mention certain things.
Some people don't
want you to say this,
some people don't
want you to say that.
Some people think if
you mention some things
they might happen.
Some people are
really fucking stupid.
Did you ever notice that,
how many really stupid people
you run into during the day?
God damn, there's a lot of
stupid bastards walking around.
Carry a little pad
and pencil with you,
you wind up with 30 or 40
names by the end of the day.
Look at it this way.
Think of how stupid
the average person is,
and then realize half of
them are stupider than that.
And it doesn't
take you very long
to spot one of them, does it.
Take you about
eight seconds.
You'll be listening
to some guy, and say,
this guy is fucking stupid.
Then,
then there are some people,
they're not stupid.
They're full of shit.
Huh, that doesn't take
very long to spot, either,
does it.
Take you about the
same amount of time.
You'll be listening to
some guy, saying, well,
he's fairly intelligent.
Ah, he's full of shit.
Then there are some
people, they're not stupid,
they're not full of shit,
they're fucking nuts.
Dan Quayle is all three,
all three,
stupid,
full of shit,
and fucking nuts.
And where did he
get that wife of his?
Have you taken a good look
at that Marilyn Quayle?
Where did he get her,
at a Halloween
party or something?
She looks like Prince
Charles, for Christ's sake.
Let me ask you something,
does he actually have
to fuck that woman?
Huh?
God help him,
I wouldn't fuck her
with a stolen dick.
That's my political humor.
People like it
when you're topical.
Oh, some people don't
like you to talk like that.
Oh, some people would
like to shut you up
for saying those things.
You know that,
lots of people,
lots of groups in this country
want to tell you how to talk,
tell you what you
can't talk about.
Sometimes they'll say, well,
you can talk
about something,
but you can't joke about it.
Say you can't joke about
it because it's not funny.
Comedians run into that
shit all the time, like rape.
They'll say, you
can't joke about rape.
Rape's not funny.
I say, fuck you,
I think it's hilarious,
how do you like that?
I can prove to you
that rape is funny.
Picture Porky Pig
raping Elmer Fudd.
See?
Hey, why do you think
they call him Porky, huh?
I know what
you're going to say,
Elmer was asking for it.
Elmer was coming on to Porky.
Porky couldn't help
himself, he got a hard-on,
he got horny,
he lost control,
he went out of his mind.
Lot of men talk like that,
lot of men think that way.
They think it's
the woman's fault.
They like to blame
the rape on the woman,
say, hey, she had it coming,
she was wearing a short skirt.
These guys think women
ought to go to prison
for being cock teasers.
Don't seem fair to me,
don't seem right,
but you can joke about it.
I believe you can
joke about anything.
It all depends on how
you construct the joke,
what the exaggeration is,
what the exaggeration is.
Because every joke
needs one exaggeration,
every joke needs one thing
to be way out of proportion.
Give you an example.
Did you ever see a news
story like this is the paper?
Every now and then you
run into a story that says,
some guy broke
into a house,
stole a lot of things,
and while he was in there,
he raped an
81-year old woman.
And I'm thinking to myself,
why!
What the fuck
kind of a social life
does this guy have?
I want to say,
why did you do that?
Well, she was
coming on to me.
We were dancing,
and I got horny.
Hey, she was asking for it.
She had on a tight bathrobe.
I say, Jesus Christ,
be a little fucking
selective next time, will you?
Now, speaking of rape.
You know what I wonder?
I wonder is there
more rape at the equator
or the North Pole?
These are the kind
of things I think about
when I'm sitting home alone
and the power goes out.
I wonder is there
more rape at the equator
or the North Pole.
I mean, per capita.
I know the
populations are different.
Most people think
it's the equator.
I think it's the North Pole.
People think it's the equator
because it's hot down there,
they don't wear
a lot of clothing,
guys can see women's tits,
they get horny, and there's
a lot of fucking going on.
That's exactly why there's
less rape at the equator,
because there's a lot
of fucking going on.
You can tell there's a lot
of fucking at the equator,
take a look at the
population figures.
Billions of people
life near the equator.
How many Eskimos
we got, 30, 35?
No one's getting laid
at the North Pole,
it's too fucking cold.
Guys say to their wives,
hey, tonight honey,
huh, tonight, huh?
Are you crazy,
the wind chill
factor is 300 below.
These guys are
deprived, they're horny,
they're pent up.
Every now and
then, they bust out,
they got to rape somebody.
Now, the biggest problem
an Eskimo rapist has,
trying to get
wet leather leggings
off a woman who's kicking.
Did you ever try to
get leather pants off
of someone who doesn't
want to take them off?
You would lose your
hard on in the process.
Up at the North Pole,
your dick would shrivel up
like a stack of dimes.
That's another
thing I wonder.
I wonder, does a
rapist have a hard on
when he leaves the
house in the morning,
or does he develop
it during the day
when he's walking around
looking for somebody?
These are the
kind of thoughts
that kept me out of
the really good schools.
Now I probably got the
feminists all pissed off at me
because I'm joking about rape.
Feminists want to
control your language.
Feminists want to
tell you how to talk.
And they're not alone,
they're not alone,
I'm not picking
on the feminists,
they got a lot of
company in this country.
There's a lot of groups,
lot of institutions
in this country
want to control your language,
tell you what you can say
and what you can't say.
Government wants to tell
you some things you can't say
because they're
against the law.
Or you can't say this
because it's
against a regulation.
Or here's something
you can't say
because it's a secret.
You can't tell him that
because he's not
cleared to know that.
Government wants to
control information
and control language
because that's the
way you control thought.
And basically that's
the game they're in.
Same with religion.
Religion is nothing
but mind control.
Religion is just trying
to control your mind,
control your thoughts,
so they're going to
tell you some things
you shouldn't say
because they're sins.
And besides telling you
things you shouldn't say,
religion's going to suggest
to you some things
you ought to be saying.
Here's something you
ought to say first thing
when you wake
up in the morning.
Here's something
you ought to say
just before you
go to sleep at night.
Here's something we always say
on the third Wednesday in April
after the first full moon in Spring
at 4:00 when the bells ring.
Religion is
always suggesting
things you ought to be saying,
same with political
groups of all kinds,
political activists,
anti-biased groups,
special interest groups
are going to suggest the
correct political vocabulary,
the way you ought
to be saying things,
and that's where
the feminists come in.
Now, as I said,
I got nothing
against the feminists.
In fact, I happen to agree
with most of the feminist
philosophy I have read.
I agree for instance
that for the most part,
men are vain,
ignorant, greedy,
brutal assholes who've just
about ruined this planet...
Who've just about
ruined this planet
because they're afraid
someone might have a bigger
dick out there somewhere.
Men are basically insecure
about the size of their dicks,
and so they go to war over it.
You don't have to be
a political scientist
or a history major
to see the bigger dick
foreign policy theory at work.
It goes something like this,
what, they have bigger dicks?
Bomb them.
And of course,
the bombs and
the bullets and the rockets
are all shaped like dicks.
I don't understand
that part of it,
but it is part
of the equation.
So I agree with that
abstract, that man,
men,
males,
have pushed the technology
that just about has this
planet in a stranglehold.
Mother Earth, raped
again, guess who?
Eh, she was asking for it.
I also happen to like it
when feminists attack
these fat ass housewives
who think there's
nothing more to life
than sitting home on the
telephone drinking coffee,
watching TV and pumping out
a baby every nine months.
Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom,
ba boom, ba boom.
Will seven be enough, Bob?
Ba boom, ba boom.
But what's the alternative?
What's the alternative
to pumping out a
unit every nine months?
Pointless careerism?
Putting on a man tailored
suit with shoulder pads
and imitating all the
worst behavior of men?
This is the noblest thing
that women can think of,
to take a job in a
criminal corporation
that's poisoning
the environment
and robbing customers
out of their money?
This is the worthiest
thing they can think of?
Isn't there something
nobler they can do
to be helping
this planet heal?
You don't hear much about that
from these middle class women.
I've noticed that most
of these feminists
are white, middle class women,
they don't give a shit
about black women's problems,
they don't care
about Latino women.
All they're interested in
is their own
reproductive freedom
and their pocketbooks.
But when it comes to
changing the language,
I think they make
some good points,
because we do
think in language.
And so the quality of our
thoughts and ideas
could only be as good
as the quality
of our language.
So maybe some of
this patriarchal shit
ought to go away.
I think spokesmen
ought to be spokesperson.
I think chairman ought
to be chairperson.
I think mankind
ought to be humankind.
But they take it too far.
They take themselves
too seriously.
The exaggerate.
They want me to call
that thing in the street
a person hole cover.
I think that's taking
it a little bit too far.
What would you
call a lady's man,
a person's person?
That would make a
he-man an it person.
Little kids would be afraid
of the boogie person.
They'd look up in the sky and
see the person in the moon.
Guys would say come back
here and fight like a person,
and we'd all sing,
For It's a Jolly Good Person.
That's the kind of
thing you would hear
on Late Night with
David Letterperson.
You know what I mean?
So I think it's
an exaggeration,
and I like to
piss off any group
that takes itself a
little bit too seriously,
and it does not take
a lot of imagination
to piss off a feminist.
All you got to do
is run into
N.O.W. Headquarters
or Ms. Magazine and say,
Hey, which one of you
cute little cupcakes
wants to come home
and cook me a nice meal
and give me a blow job?
Blow job.
Oh, that pisses them off.
You want to piss
off a feminist,
call her a cum catcher,
that'll get her attention.
Ah, don't act disgusted,
don't act disgusted,
half of you are
going to go home
and go down on each
other tonight, remember?
If you're willing
to swallow cum,
let's not make believe
something I said was
disgusting, okay?
All right.
Let's not have a
double standard here,
one standard
will do just fine.
Now, speaking of blowjobs.
Do you know why
they call it a blowjob?
So it'll sound
like it has kind of
a work ethic attached to it.
Make you feel like
you did something
useful for the economy.
Long as I'm being
a complete pig up here,
let me ask you
guys a question.
Let me ask one
question of the men.
Are you ever able to watch
a woman eating a banana
and not think
about a blowjob, huh?
I can't do it.
I can't do it, and I know
why, I'm a sick evil fuck,
I know that.
I accept that.
But I can't do it.
Eating a banana,
eating a pickle,
licking on an
ice cream cone.
I'm saying to myself,
look at the
tongue on her, wow.
So you women be careful
when you're standing out
in front of that Hagen Daas,
because God damn
it, we're watching.
And God damn it,
we're thinking.
Another woman's
issue, prostitution.
I do not understand
why prostitution is illegal.
Why should
prostitution be illegal?
Selling is legal,
fucking is legal.
Why isn't selling
fucking legal?
You know,
why should it be illegal
to sell something
that's perfectly
legal to give away?
I can't follow the
logic on that at all.
Of all the things
you can do too a person,
giving someone an orgasm
is hardly the worst
thing in the world.
In the Army,
they give you a medal
for spraying Napalm on people.
Civilian life,
you go to jail for
giving someone an orgasm.
Maybe I'm not supposed
to understand it.
I got strange ideas anyway.
You know what I think
they ought to do with that
Miss American contest?
I think they ought to make
the losers keep coming
back until they win.
I'll tell you.
That would get a little spooky
after about 35
years or so, huh?
I just want to
work on world peace.
Fine, sit down before
you fall down, will you?
And pick up all
these Goddamn batons.
I got a lot of ideas.
You know what I think?
I think Kleenex ought to
have little targets on them.
Wouldn't that
be a good idea,
little bulls eyes right in
the middle of the Kleenex,
make it kind of sporting
when you're with your friends.
(Blowing nose sound)
Look Dave, an 85.
That's a good idea.
I got a lot of good ideas.
Trouble is,
most of them suck.
I got a lot of good ideas
for new products like that.
That's what I think
about on my off duty hours,
things we need,
products we ought to
have that we don't have.
You know what
we ought to have,
we ought to have
a diet salad dressing
called 500 Islands.
See, good God damn
ideas, like that, huh?
A Christian deodorant,
Thou Shalt Not Smell.
How about a feminine
hygiene spray called Sprunt.
Huh?
Well, you'd never
forget the name, would you?
It would always be on the
tip of your tongue, see?
Marketing, marketing,
that's where I belong,
among other places.
Marketing.
Here's an idea I got.
This is a yo-yo
with a 2,000-foot string.
You use it when you
visit the Grand Canyon.
See, I'm a visionary,
I'm ahead of my time.
Trouble is, I'm only about
an hour and a half ahead.
Here's a good idea,
a light bulb
that only shines
on things worth looking at.
Yeah, kind of too idealistic,
never make any money
on a thing like that.
Here's something that's
going to make you a fortune,
get in on this.
This is a roach spray,
it doesn't kill the roaches,
but it fills them
with self-doubt
as to whether or not
they're in the right house.
Yeah.
Here's something
I'm trying to interest
the Japanese
electronics firms in this.
This would be a
great product for Sony.
This is a combination
cassette player
and colostomy bag.
It's called Shitman.
Huh?
Sure.
Well, you never see that.
You never see that.
You never see a guy
jogging down the street,
listening to a Shitman.
No, that's one of those
things you never see.
There's a lot of
things you never see.
And you don't know
you don't see them
because you don't see them.
You got to see something first
to know you never saw it,
then you see it and say,
hey I never saw that.
Too late, you just saw it.
I know things you never see.
You never see a Rolls Royce
with a bumper
sticker that says,
shit happens.
You never see
a really big tall,
fat Chinese
guy with red hair.
You never see a wheelchair
with the roll bar.
You never see
someone taking a shit
while running at full speed.
And you never see a picture
of Margaret Thatcher
strapping on a dildo.
You'll never see it.
That's one of those
things you never see.
Then there are some
things you never hear,
that makes sense.
Some things you never hear.
You never hear this,
Dad, you really
ought to drink more.
Here's something you
don't hear too often
Do what you want to the girl,
but leave me alone.
Here is something
no one has ever heard,
ever,
ever.
As soon as I put this
hot poker in my ass,
I'm going to
chop my dick off.
You know why you
never heard that?
Right, no one
ever said that.
Which to me is the
more amazing thing,
no one ever thought to
say that before tonight.
I'm the first
person in the world
to put those words together
in that particular order.
First guy, number one.
Here's something
you don't hear too often,
Honey, let's
sell the children,
move to Zanzibar
and begin taking
opium rectally.
Mom?
Mom, I got a
big date tonight,
can I borrow a
French tickler from you?
Then there are some things
you don't want to hear.
Some things you just
flat don't want to hear.
You don't want to come
home from work and hear,
honey, remember how
we told the children
never to play on
the railroad tracks?
You don't want to be sitting
in your doctor's office
and hear this.
Well, Jim,
there's no reason why
you shouldn't live
another 20 to 30 years.
However, you will be bleeding
constantly from both eyes.
Here's something
I don't want to hear,
I'm pregnant,
you're the father,
and I'm going to
kill all three of us.
Calm down,
have some dip.
Honey, it's the police.
They have a search warrant,
and the 300 kilos of cocaine
are still sitting
out in the living room.
Here's something
nobody wants to hear,
nobody wants to hear this.
Try to think back
to when this was
appropriate to your life.
You and your fianc
have been invited to
your mom and dad's
house for dinner
for the first time.
Halfway through dinner,
your fianc
stands up and says,
I'll be right back.
I got to take a dump.
There seems to be
no really gentile way
of announcing
publicly a dump.
And frankly, I'm not
impressed with people
who tell me what
they're going to do
when they go to the
bathroom in the first place.
Doesn't it bother you,
people that announce it,
I'll be right back,
I'm going to take a shit.
Never mind.
Do what you have to do
and leave me out of it,
and don't describe it
when you come back.
Boy, you should have seen...
Never mind.
It set off the smoke alarm.
Never mind.
I have never
understood that,
nor have a cared for it.
Something else
I don't care for,
these organ donor programs.
That shit bother
you a little bit?
Sounds like
Josef Mengele's
been sitting on some of
those meetings or something?
Organ donor programs.
The thing that bothers
me the most about it is
they're run by the
Motor Vehicle Bureau.
I figure, hey, shit,
you got to wait on a line
that long for a kidney,
fuck it, do without.
It's the Motor Vehicle
Bureau in most states
who send you the little card
you're supposed to carry
right next to your wallet,
right next to your
driver's license,
in your wallet,
little card.
You're supposed
to fill it out
and on it you're
supposed to list
the organs you're
willing to give
in case you die.
Are these people out of their
fucking minds or something?
Do you honestly believe
that if a paramedic
finds that card on you
in an automobile accident,
he's going to try
to save your life?
Bullshit, he's looking
for parts, man.
Absolutely.
Look, Dan,
here's that lower intestine
we've been looking for.
Never mind the oxygen,
this man's a donor.
Bullshit, they want
something of mine,
they can have my
rectum and my anus,
that's all I'm giving,
take them and get out of here.
Put them in your bag and
get the fuck out of my life,
that's all I'm giving.
I don't want some guy
poking around in me,
hoping I die.
I want to live.
I don't want to die.
That's the
whole secret of life,
not dying.
I figured that shit out
alone in third grade.
And don't be pulling
any plugs on me, either.
Here's another bunch of
macho asshole bullshit
floating around
this country,
people talking about
ah, pull the plug on me.
If I'm ever like that,
if I'm comatose,
if I'm like a vegetable,
pull the plug on me.
Fuck you,
leave my plug alone.
Get an extension
cord for my plug.
I want
everything you got,
tubes, cords, plugs,
probes, electrodes, IV's,
you got something,
stick it in me, man.
You find out I got a
hole I didn't know I had,
put a fucking plug in it.
Vegetable, shit,
I don't care if
I look like an artichoke.
Save my ass.
There's three things I want
if I'm ever
in that condition,
three things
I got to have,
ice cream,
morphine
and television.
You give me that ice
cream every two hours,
give me that morphine about...
every ten minutes,
and turn on the fucking TV.
I want to see Geraldo.
And don't be
coming to visit me,
I got no time for life people,
I'm brain dead here.
You people got no respect
for the brain dead?
Hey, you got
to be brain dead
to watch Geraldo
in the first place.
You might as well watch him
when you're
clinically brain dead.
There's one other
thing I thought about
concerning this
comatose thing,
and this might
help you someday.
This little
piece of information
might come in handy
sometime in the future
if you're in
this circumstance.
If you knew a family,
if you knew a family
and one of them
was a homosexual
and he was in an
automobile accident
and he was comatose,
you could always comfort
that family by saying,
well, look at it this way,
he was a fruit,
now he's a vegetable.
Listen,
at least he's still
in the produce section.
Now I probably got some
other group pissed off at me
because I said fruit.
There's a different group
to get pissed off
at you in this country
for everything you're
not supposed to say.
Can't say fruit,
can't say faggot,
can't say queer,
can't say Nancy boy,
can't say pansy.
Can't say nigger, boogie,
jig, jiggaboo, skinhead,
jungle bunny, moolie,
moolie yan or schwarz.
Can't say yid, heeb, zeeb,
kike, mackie, dego, ginny,
wop, ginzo, greaser,
greaseball, spick, beaner,
oya, tiger, PR, Mick,
donkey, turkey, limey,
frog, squarehead, kraut,
jerry, Hun, chink, jap,
nip, slope, slopehead,
zip, zipper head, gook.
There is absolutely
nothing wrong...
There is absolutely
nothing wrong
with any of those words
in and of themselves.
They're only words.
It's the context that counts.
It's the user.
It's the intention
behind the words
that makes them good or bad.
The words are
completely neutral
the words are innocent.
I get tired of people
talking about bad words
and bad language.
Bullshit.
It's the context that
makes them good or bad,
the context that makes
them good or bad.
For instance,
you take the word nigger.
There is absolutely
nothing wrong
with the word nigger
in and of itself.
It's the racist
asshole that's using it
that you ought to
be concerned about.
We don't care when Richard
Pryor or Eddie Murphy says it.
Why?
Because we know
they're not racists.
They're niggers.
Context.
Context.
We don't mind their context
because we know
they're black.
Hey, I know I'm Whitey,
the blue-eyed devil patio,
fake gray boy, honkie,
motherfucker myself.
Don't bother my ass.
They're only words.
You can't be afraid of
words that speak the truth,
even if it's an
unpleasant truth
like the fact
that there's a bigot
and a racist in
every living room
on every street corner
in this country.
I don't like words
that hide the truth.
I don't like words
that conceal reality.
I don't like euphemisms
or euphemistic language.
And American English
is loaded with euphemisms,
because Americans
have a lot of trouble
dealing with reality.
Americans have trouble
facing the truth,
so they invent the
kind of a soft language
to protect themselves from it.
And it gets worse
with every generation.
For some reason it just
keeps getting worse.
I'll give you
an example of that.
There's a
condition in combat,
most people know about it.
It's when a fighting
person's nervous system
has been stressed to its
absolute peak and maximum,
can't take any more input.
The nervous system
has either snapped
or is about to snap.
In the First World War
that condition was
called shell shock.
Simple, honest,
direct language,
two syllables.
Shell shock.
Almost sounds like
the guns themselves.
That was 70 years ago.
Then a whole
generation went by,
and the Second World War
came along
and the very
same combat condition
was called battle fatigue.
Four syllables now,
it takes a little
longer to say,
doesn't seem to hurt as much.
Fatigue is a
nicer word than shock.
Shell shock,
battle fatigue.
Then we had the war
in Korea in 1950,
Madison Avenue was
riding high by that time,
and the very
same combat condition
was called
Operational Exhaustion.
Hey, we're up to
eight syllables now,
and the humanity
has been squeezed
completely out
of the phrase,
it's totally sterile now.
Operational Exhaustion.
Sounds like something
that might
happen to your car.
Then of course came
the war in Viet Nam,
which has only been over
for about 16 or 17 years.
And thanks to
the lies and deceits
surrounding that war,
I guess it's no surprise
that the very same condition
was called Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder.
Still eight syllables,
but we've added a hyphen,
and the pain is completely
buried under jargon,
Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder.
I bet you if we'd have still
been calling it shell shock,
some of them
Viet Nam veterans
might have gotten the attention
they needed at the time.
But it didn't happen,
and one of the reasons is
because we were
using that soft language,
that language that
takes the life out of life.
And it is a
function of time,
it does keep getting worse,
give you another example.
Sometime during my life,
sometime during my life
toilet paper
became bathroom tissue.
I wasn't notified of this,
no one asked me
if I agreed with it.
It just happened.
Toilet paper
became bathroom tissue.
Sneakers became
running shoes.
False teeth became
dental appliances.
Medicine became medication.
Information became
directory assistance.
The dump
became the landfill.
Car crashes became
automobile accidents.
Partly cloudy
became partly sunny.
Motels became motor lodges.
House trailers
became mobile homes.
Used cars became previously
owned transportation.
Room service became
guest room dining.
And constipation became
occasional irregularity.
When I was a little kid,
if I got sick they wanted
me to go to the hospital
and see the doctor.
Now they want me to go
to a health
maintenance organization,
or a wellness center
to consult a healthcare
delivery professional.
Poor people used
to live in slums.
Now the economically
disadvantaged
occupies substandard
housing in the inner cities.
And they're broke.
They're broke.
They don't have a negative
cash flow position,
they're fucking broke.
Because a lot of
them were fired.
You know, fired,
management wanted to
curtail redundancies
in the human resources area,
so many people are no longer
viable members
of the workforce.
Smug, greedy,
well-fed white people
have invented a language
to conceal their sins,
it's as simple as that.
The CIA doesn't
kill anybody any more.
They neutralize people,
or they depopulate the area.
The government doesn't lie,
it engages in disinformation.
The Pentagon actually
measures nuclear radiation
and something they
call Sunshine Units.
Israeli murderers
are called Commandos.
Arab Commandos
are called terrorists.
Contra killers are
called Freedom fighters.
Well, if crime fighters
fight crime
and firefighters fight fire,
what do
Freedom Fighters fight?
They never mention that
part of it to us, do they?
Never mention
that part of it.
Some of this stuff is just
silly, we all know that.
Like on the airlines,
they say they
want to pre board.
Well, what the
hell is pre board,
what does that mean?
To get on before you get on?
They say they're going to
pre board those passengers
in need of
special assistance.
Cripples.
Simple, honest,
direct language.
There's no shame
attached to the word cripple
that I can find
in any dictionary,
no shame attached to it.
In fact it's a word used
in Bible translations,
Jesus healed the cripples.
Doesn't take seven words
to describe that condition.
But we don't
have any cripples
in this country any more.
We have the
physically challenged.
Is that a grotesque
enough evasion for you?
How about differently abled?
I've heard them called that,
differently abled.
You can't even call these
people handicapped anymore.
They'll say,
we're not handicapped,
we're handy capable.
These poor people have been
bullshitted by the system
into believing that if you
change the name of the condition,
somehow you'll
change the condition.
Well, hey cousin
doesn't happen.
Doesn't happen.
We have no more deaf
people in this country,
hearing impaired.
No one's blind any more,
partially sighted
or visually impaired.
We have no more
stupid people.
Everybody has a
learning disorder,
or he's minimally exceptional.
How would you like to be
told that about your child,
he's minimally exceptional.
Oh, thank God for that.
Psychologists actually have
started calling ugly people
those with severe
appearance deficits.
It's getting so
bad that any day now
I expect to hear a rape victim
referred to as an
unwilling sperm recipient.
And we have no more old
people in this country,
no more old people.
We shipped them all away,
and we brought in
these senior citizens.
Isn't that a
typically American
20th Century phrase?
Bloodless, lifeless.
No pulse in one of them.
A senior citizen.
And I've accepted that one,
I've come to terms with it,
I know it's here to stay.
We'll never get rid of it,
that's what they're
going to be called,
so I'll relax on that.
But the one I do resist,
the one I keep resisting,
is when they look at an
old guy, and they say,
look at him, Dan,
he's 90 years young.
Imagine the fear of
aging that reveals,
to not even be able
to use the word old
to describe someone,
to have to use an antonym.
And fear of
aging is natural,
it's universal isn't it.
We all have that.
No one wants to get old,
no one wants to die,
but we do.
So we bullshit ourselves.
I started
bullshitting myself
when I got to my 40's.
Soon as I was in my 40's
I'd look in the
mirror and I'd say,
well, I guess
I'm getting older.
Older sounds a little
better than old, doesn't it.
Sounds like it might
even last a little longer.
Bullshit, I'm getting old,
and it's okay,
because thanks to our fear
of death in this country
I won't have to die.
I'll pass away.
Or I'll expire like a
magazine subscription.
If it happens
in the hospital,
they'll call it
a terminal episode.
The insurance company
will refer to it
as negative
patient care outcome,
and if it's the
result of malpractice,
they'll say it was a
therapeutic misadventure.
I'm telling you,
some of this language
makes me want to vomit.
Well, maybe not vomit,
makes me want to engage
in an involuntary
personal protein spill.
Thank you all.
Give me a little
light for Moe.
Moe says hello.