? Hey there, Georgy girl
? Swinging down the street so fancy-free
? Nobody you meet could ever see
? The loneliness there inside you
? Hey there, Georgy girl
? Look at all the boyfriends you don't get
? Never had a real one yet
? Just look at the clothes you wear
? You're always window shopping
? But never stopping to buy
? Just shed those dowdy feathers
? And fly a little bit
? Hey there, Georgy girl
? Give yourself a treat like most girls do
? Get another hairstyle too
? And, oh, what a change there'd be
? The world would see
? A new Georgy girl
? Hey there, Georgy girl
? Dreaming of the someone you could be
? Life is a reality
? You can't always run away
? Don't be so scared of changing
? And rearranging yourself
? It's time for jumping down
? From the shelf a little bit
? Hey there, Georgy girl
? Give yourself a chance and you'll succeed
? Confidence is all you need
? And, oh, what a change there'd be
? The world would see
? A new Georgy girl
? A new Georgy girl
? A new Georgy girl
? A new Georgy girl
? A new Georgy girl
One and two, and one and two.
One and two, and one and two.
Everybody go round!
Very good! Faster!
One and two.
One and two, and one and two.
One and two, and one and two.
Very good.
All right, everybody around me.
Come on. Quick. Quick, quick.
One more quickly, to finish.
You're all things in space.
All right. Spin into a space.
And one, two, three.
On the floor. Quick.
She's looking better.
She ought to be under the doctor.
Let's hope that's the end
of the cats' chorus.
- She don't believe in doctors.
- You can't call it anything else.
Certainly not music.
- Bye.
- Bye. Bye!
Ah. I'll catch her before she goes
back to the slums.
- I've got a bone to pick with you.
- Working, Father dear.
What do you think this is?
Hmm?
It's a dress. For you. A present.
From my other daddy?
The rich one?
Oh.
Oh, that's gorgeous.
That's the height of chic.
Oh, have you tried it on?
You'll feel the back of my hand
in a minute.
It's to wear to his birthday party
on Thursday.
The one to which you were invited.
I posted the card myself.
Now, I had no education
of which to speak.
I didn't get sent to a finishing school
in Switzerland by my father's employer.
I went to an elementary school.
But what education I got,
I got from him!
- Like knowing what RSV and P means.
- I'm not coming.
- You'll be there.
- I shan't.
- If I have anything to do with it.
- You haven't.
Oh, please yourself.
It's up to you. Go and live
in that slum instead of here.
Thanks.
But for his sake, you ought to try
and do something about yourself.
You walk about
looking like a bloody tramp.
Why don't you get your hair done?
I have just had it done.
Run, then.
I've got the tickets.
Tickets?
The Cup Final tickets.
Who said anything about tickets
to the Cup Final?
- You did, Mr James.
- Oh?
You did, really.
You said I should go with you.
Is that so? Well, well.
- They cost me two 5 notes.
- Two 5 notes?
Georgy's not gone yet.
I wanted to catch her.
The bedroom.
Georgy?
She's nipped off.
By the look of it. If I were you, Ted,
I'd take her across my knee,
pull down her knickers
and give her a good tanning.
- Oh. She's too big for that.
- Yes. She always was.
She's like some enormous
lorry driver.
She ought to be made to feel
what she owes me.
Oh, I rub that in, don't you worry, sir.
I hold the whip hand.
I've got a bone to pick with you.i/
Working, Father dear.
What do you think this is?
It's a dress for you. A present.
From my other daddy?
The rich one?
Oh, that's gorgeous.
That's the height of chic.
- Oh, have you tried it on?
You'll feel the back
of my hand in a minute.
Oh, James, you got the things?
Aye.
- How are you feeling?
- Horrible.
You know, Ellen,
when you're not feeling well,
you ought to see a proper doctor.
Doctors.
You got the yeast compound?
- Yeast compound.
- The Wintergreen?
Wintergreen.
Cider vinegar?
Well, they hadn't got the brand
that you wanted.
Oh.
- Hello!
- Georgy, Georgy, come and play with us!
Come on!
Ah, come on, Georgy.
Everybody up.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Has it been raining?
- No, the baths.
I'm training to be
an Olympic swimmer.
This man came up to me
in the street, a Scotsman...
Shut up, Georgy.
Am I all right?
- Sensational.
- Am I all right?
Sensational.
- Where are you going?
- Out.
- But Jos. Isn't Jos coming?
- Of course.
You can't go out!
Can't I? Bye.
Hey!
- Meredith! Take your fiddle.
- For God's sake, what for?
You can tell Jos
you're rehearsing.
- Why?
- Well, you know. What will I tell him?
That I'm out. That's all.
I'll be back at eight.
But what'll I say? What'll I do?
Keep him happy.
- You naked underneath that coat?
- Stark.
Let's have a look, then.
- It's threepence.
- Too dear, dear.
Where's that rude girl, eh?
Lying lasciviously in bed?
Contemplating in the loo?
Aha. Lounging in the bath.
She's gone out, Jos.
She had to.
- Suddenly.
- Uh-huh.
I bought some supper
for the two of us.
Soggy-
- I meant Meredith and me.
- Obviously.
- Now she's out.
- She say any time?
- Eight. Er... 7.30.
Get out the Scrabble, then.
- Hungry?
- Starving.
on...
It ain't no good you bawling.
- He was a good man, mister.
- I made mincemeat out of him.
He always loved his mince.
Quit stalling. I'm gonna pump you full
of lead. You're a two-timing broad.
- No! Not broad!
- Yes. Very long.
- Very long, but you're a broad too.
- Hey! Are you longer than you are broad?
Or is your broad
broader than your long? Eh?
How is your broader anyway,
and your sister?
A look at
our programmes later this evening.
At half past seven, You're a Brick,
a brand new radio panel game
with the accent on the building trade.
Then, at eight o'clock...
O-C-H-R-E.
Ochre. I win!
I had zho. Z-H-O.
- What's that when it's at home?
- A Himalayan ox.
- Truly?
- Truly.
We had some good words:
catagmatic, sostenuto.
One of the few advantages
of a musical education, my dear.
You ought to leave that bank, Jos.
- Go back to your proper work.
- I wish I could, George.
But second-rate flautists
are fourteen for tuppence.
She won't be long.
She make you jealous?
Not much. We've got
so little in common.
She's so pretty.
Cool and detached.
There's nothing messy about her. I feel
like a brontosaurus when she's about.
- A freak survivor.
- Oh, come off it.
Look, the truth is, you just missed
being beautiful, George.
Georgina!
Oh, God.
- Kept the chips warm?
- Hey. Wh... what?
- Kept the chips warm?
- George... George threw them away.
Well, if you've got something else.
George, what have we...?
Thanks, George.
You're a dear.
- You must be drunk.
- I've had a few vodkas.
Does it show?
- Got you.
- Oh!
It's like an oven in here.
I've got too much on.
I'm off now.
- Well, don't leave your own flat because of us, mate.
- Oh, God, no.
Jos, come on.
? Nobles and kings shall pay homage before me
? Ah! Might it only be
? He could my beauty see
? Now as a royal lady
Georgy!
Well, if it isn't Georgy Porgy,
visiting the old homestead.
How's life in the kitchen sink,
Georgy Porgy?
Oh, fine, Jimsy Whimsy.
- Come in, have a drink.
- No, thanks.
Good God, girl, what have you got on?
A suit of armour, is it?
That's right.
Protects my honour.
- Take it off, for God's sake.
- No, I'd rather keep it on, thank you.
You've got a decent figure.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
- You want to show it off.
- No, I don't.
Give the boys a treat.
Just look at that thing.
You want to get a jersey
a couple of sizes smaller.
See?
? Ah! The joy past compare
? These jewels bright to wear
? Ah! The joy past compare
? These jewels bright to wear
Right.
- Five, ten.
- You don't have to pay me.
It's on the house.
- It's for a new jumper.
- I like this one.
Come on.
Say thank you to Mr James.
- Thank you, James.
- Good girl.
- I don't know.
- Dust. Now this.
- Praying mantis.
- Elephant.
Bloody marvellous.
- Ah. Well, er... thank you, Miss, urn, er...
- Parkin.
Parkin, Yes. However, just at the moment,
our books seem to be full of animal imitators.
Oh...
But would you be prepared
to strip, my dear?
- Got one or two operation scars.
- So much the better.
The customers like that,
within reason, of course.
- I have to ask Mummy.
- Leave your name and number. We'll be in touch.
I'll bet you will,
you dirty old slob.
- We going out?
- Why?
- Aren't you going with Jos or anyone?
- No.
Let's go and eat, then.
But at the first flicker of dust and
all that nonsense, I'm leaving you.
Trah-la. . .!
Parkin's residence.
Hello? Oh, hi.
I might be.
OK, I'm not doing anything.
Where?
Then you'll have to pick me up.
At the tube in about five minutes.
See you.
- Where are you going now?
- Party. Nick's.
For God's sake, Georgy, you don't
expect me to have a meal with you
if I can go to a party,
do you?
Look, I didn't mean it like that.
If you'd been the one invited...
- I never am.
- Don't let's go into that again, Georgy.
OK, if you're gonna be
suicidal, I'll stay.
No, go.
- Sure?
- Sure. Have a lovely time.
I'll think about you
when I drink my cocoa.
- Hello.
- Bye.
Happy birthday, Jamie darling.
Many happy returns
of the day, old boy. Glad to see you.
Good evening.
- What's this, then?
- I decided to come.
In this rig-out?
You look like a tramp.
Why can't you behave
like a lady, just for once?
A lady? Okay.
? It takes a whole lot of loving
Come on, boys.
? It takes a whole lot of kissing
? A whole lot of holding my hand
? It takes a whole lot of loving
? Just to keep this baby happy
? 'Cause I'm a whole lot of woman
? I've gotta have a whole lot of man
? When he loves me, he gotta love me hard
? Or he makes me mad
? When he kiss me, he gotta kiss me
? Or he's been had
? It takes a whole lot of loving
? Just to keep this baby happy
? 'Cause I'm a whole lot of woman
? I've gotta have a whole lot of man
? 'Cause I'm a whole lot of woman
Oh, it's madly gay, darling.
Now, Georgy,
I want you to sit quiet
and listen for a moment.
Georg)',
I'm 49 today.
Shut up.
I'm 49.
Notice that, not 50 yet.
When I first met your dad,
I was 27 and just got married.
Your dad was unemployed, and he
couldn't afford to marry your mother.
I took him on.
She came along as housekeeper,
and they got married.
Ellen and I have never
been blessed with children.
As a result, I've tended to
look upon you as my daughter.
I've always been sorry
that you weren't.
But now I'm glad.
- Because of what I did out there?
- No. No.
I brought you in here
to make you an offer.
- Why, you want to adopt me.
- Georgy, please.
No, something quite different.
I want you to be my mistress.
I've had it all drawn up properly.
I propose an agreement whereby
either one of the contracting parties
can opt out at any time
in six months' initial period.
I bear all the expenses and undertake
the formal adoption of any children.
Here's a copy of the draft contract
for your approval.
I know it all looks pretty formal.
Er... will we have to have
any shareholders and things?
No, I don't think
that would be necessary.
I should hate to be voted
off the board.
All those annual general meetings.
I hope they'll be
more frequent than that.
I turned up with the Maserati,
and there was this...
- Sorry.
- What is it?
Oh, nothing, dear. One of those
vintage Bentleys, all wound up.
Do you mind?
- Are you going to say yes or no?
- Yes or no.
- Don't act the goat, Georgy.
- Quite, quite.
Oh, urn... just getting to
the small print here.
About the alleged condition
of the property...
- Does it have to be intact?
- Well, it is, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah. Queen of all the fairies.
- Well, then...
Are there any special conditions
about my duties?
- They're understood.
- Are they?
I haven't got to wear gymslips
or suck lollipops.
Look, Georgy, if you're not prepared
to discuss this thing seriously...
What about your wife?
Well, we keep it secret, naturally.
Ellen knows I've done this before.
Oh, I see.
Well, it all seems
quite straightforward.
If there's no other business,
I think we can wind up the meeting.
Oh. Crash. Powdered glass
all over the carpet.
My God.
What?
I must be mad.
You're old enough
to be my managing director.
Come in. Oh.
Oh, pardon me, sir.
Madam said three guests have arrived,
and she doesn't know them very well.
Yes, right.
Well, you'll let me know about that offer
as soon as you can, will you?
Oh.
Do you want to see
what James offered me?
I never pry into anything
Mr James does for you.
I only hope that you know
how to show your gratitude.
Mi fa piacere Che siete qui.
Il piacere il mio.
No, il mio!
- Posso vederla domani?
- S, domani.
Hey, what about tonight? I thought
you Eyeties are supposed to be fast workers.
Andremo Al Colosseo.
The Colosseum?
But I want to be alone with you.
Eh, get on with it.
un monumento...
Uno momento!
- Meredith's out.
- Hell!
- But you knew she had a concert.
- I forgot.
You got company?
Yeah, come and meet him.
My date. My amore.
- You must be hard up.
- I am. Hadn't you noticed?
Twenty-two, never been kissed.
Pathetic, isn't it?
Allora, andiamo.
Let's go.
S? Splendido!
Splendido!
- Come on.
- If you're just asking me
because you're sorry for me, then
you don't have to bother. Goodnight.
I know I don't have to bother, and I'm not sorry
for you, and I am asking you. So come on!
Wait for us! Hey, come on, Georgy!
Now, this is your big chance.
Don't miss it. Oh.
- Oh!
- Oh. Beg your pardon.
? I'm gonna leave her
? I'm gonna treat her like a no-good
? I don't need her
? I don't need her
? I'm gonna leave her where I found her
? Tambourine man found her
? I don't need her
? I'm gonna leave her
? I can't stand her any more
? ...in your arms
? Has told me all I need to know
? Too long apart
? But soon I knew it had to show
? I let you go
? But I was crazy from the start
? For now I'm longing for you so
No, don't.
- Mmm?
- Jos.
Jos.
Jos!
- That's enough of that, George.
- Why? I like it!
Why are you stopping?
I know I'm not pretty like Meredith.
Oh, God, no!
You're not like Meredith.
I couldn't go to bed with you
like I do with her,
then grab a tomato sandwich, rush out
and catch the 72 bus. Hey.
With you, it would be just one
long, drawn-out, bloody drama.
All this whining
and carrying on.
You know, the trouble with you is,
you could say that you're a good girl.
So, I'm sorry, lass.
Goodbye, love.
See you.
- Have a good time?
- So-so.
Didn't lead to bed,
so he can't have been up to much.
I want to talk.
Oh. Enough of that.
- Oh, Jos!
- Oh! Oh!
I'm bored. Bored living with Georgy.
I think we ought to get married.
We don't fight,
we love it in bed, and...
well, that's about it, really.
You must be pregnant.
Yes.
Meredith, there is absolutely no point
at all in us getting married
when I know nothing about you except,
well, things that I don't like.
- You take me as me.
- Who is you?
Oh, don't give me that rubbish.
I don't ask you what you are.
Well, you should if we're gonna
get married and have this kid.
Right, if you're gonna make this a
great big number, let's pretend I never spoke.
- Is it the baby?
- What?
- That makes you want to marry me?
- I just feel like a change.
- I can easily get rid of it.
- Ha! Just like that?
Why not? I have
no tender feelings about it.
If that's what you wanted,
you shouldn't have told me.
Don't be so stupid.
I've destroyed two of yours already.
What? When? Why didn't you tell me?
Didn't I have a right to know?
Weren't they my sons
and my daughters?
- You're not getting rid of this one, anyway.
- If I want to.
- I won't let you.
- You can't stop me.
- You'll marry me and you'll have it.
- Fine. That's what I said at the start.
- You're not. Not again.
- Mmm.
Well, it's no use you asking me to lend you
the money this time, because I won't.
I don't care if it's old hat.
I know it's just a middle-class taboo
and the law needs changing
and the population of these islands
will be doubled by the year 2000.
I won't do it! I'm saving up,
anyway, to go to Majorca.
Oh, shut up, Georgy.
Nobody asked you to.
I'm having this one.
- You mean really? Having?
- Jos and I are getting married.
- No! Darling!
- Oh. Georgy, please, you're drooling.
Oh, a baby. That's marvellous.
A baby, a baby!
Don't shout. If I'm gonna feel like this
every morning, I'll probably change my mind.
Now, you must eat little and often.
No, start with a biscuit before you get up.
Don't get out of bed in a hurry.
Don't worry, Meredith.
I'll look after you.
I'm going to be the bridesmaid.
Don't you throw that bouquet at me.
You give it to me carefully because I
won't have my glasses on. I might drop it.
No bridesmaids, darling.
No confetti, organs, vicars,
Mendelssohn or Moss Bros.
Up the registry, quick in and out,
"Ta very much. Next, please."
Oh, Meredith,
you must do something.
- I'll tell you what, Georgy.
- What?
You can be best man.
- What about when you're married?
- What about it?
You and Jos will be there.
What about me?
- Oh. You thinking of leaving?
- Not if you don't want me to.
I'm easy if you are.
- You don't want me to go?
- Who'd do the cooking?
Oh, Meredith, I love you.
Meredith's getting married!
She's pregnant!
That's nice, isn't it?
Typical of the way we're going.
I sometimes wonder to what
the country's coming... to.
Don't you go getting yourself
into trouble. That's all!
Doris, don't speak like that.
He'd never forgive me.
You've got to drink your orange juice.
Hasn't she, Jos?
Yes, indeed. Otherwise, this baby
of mine won't have any teeth.
And infant false teeth
can be very expensive.
If your dialogue is this corny now,
Jos Jones, God help us when we're married.
- Oh! Meredith!
- Meredith!
At least you take your iron pills.
You see, Mummy dear,
the baby lives on your blood supply.
Look, I wish you'd both
belt up about this bloody baby.
I'm off to work.
Don't worry. The kid'll survive.
You know my mother?
- She ate nothing but chips before I was born.
- Yeah, look at you now, you wreck.
Oh, help. I'm a wreck.
I am. I'm dying.
Yes, my knees are getting weaker,
and there's a flutter in me chest.
There is, a flutter in me chest.
Feel.
Oh, Oh, come here,
come here, come here.
Yes, yes, yes, feel. Ah!
Ooh, coo, you ain't half got
nice cold hands, miss.
Yeah, and you'll feel the wrong
side of it in a minute, my lad.
You wouldn't hit me, miss.
You and Meredith,
you're hopeless.
If it's the last thing I do,
I'm gonna get you lot organised.
Organised?
And, Miss Perry,
I don't want to be disturbed.
Very good,
Mr Leamington.
Come over here.
Make yourself comfortable.
Sit down. Go on.
- Have you come to give me your answer?
- Answer?
Oh, no. No, no.
This is serious.
Look, you know you're always saying that
you'll do anything for me and all that?
- Yes.
- Well, I need a pram.
And a cot.
And some nappies.
And some blankets
and a highchair and a...
- Who is it, Georgy?
- Meredith, actually.
Meredith.
- But she's a girl.
- Yeah, I noticed that too.
That's the sort that usually
has babies, ain't it?
I could wring your neck!
I won't, though.
Hey, you, none of that.
Watch the old blood pressure.
Can you give me one reason why
I should buy all that stuff for Meredith?
Well, Meredith
will never bother.
I don't know.
You've got a nerve, you have.
- It's what keeps me going, mister.
- All right.
You're a lovely old thing, really.
Hey! We'll go along together,
shall we? How about tomorrow?
Oh no, we can't go tomorrow.
They're getting married tomorrow.
Oh.
You look beautiful.
Oh, it's ridiculous, Georgy.
It's not. It's lovely.
Don't cry now,
or I'll bash you.
On your marks, get set, go.
...the solemn and binding
character of the vows...
- Got a cigarette?
- You can't smoke now.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- Please.
Shut up. You can have one
when it's over.
I'm not going in till I
get a bloody cigarette.
Look, if you don't behave yourself,
I'll take your knickers down
and give you such a belting
you won't sit down for a week.
- You just try.
- Please, Jos, don't argue now.
Good morning.
- Jones.
- Ah. Yes.
Miss Montgomery
and Mr Jones.
Jones. I never thought
of that. Mrs Jones.
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, nothing.
Give it to me.
Well, now, that's that.
What next, eh?
Oh, yes. Legally,
Mrs Scarlett Meredith Jones.
- I'd forgotten about that.
- Hey, leave some cake, George.
Now, at this stage, the head is free.
You can see the value of giving
the mother an injection of ergometrine.
Incidentally, it isn't an anaesthetic.
It merely helps to contract the uterus.
Here it comes.
It's a boy.
Good lusty yells.
A new life has begun.
Now, this was a relatively
straightforward birth, a natural birth
The mother, by being awake,
has had the joy of sharing
her child's first moments.
- Hey, hey. We were watching that.
- Do anything to get on telly, some people.
Oh, Meredith, it was marvellous.
Funny thing is, they wouldn't have
themselves taken on the lavatory.
It's all part of this trend to make out
that it's not an animal function at all
but something frightfully spiritual.
- It's a miracle, Meredith.
- Rot.
I can have this baby quite efficiently, thank you,
without going to some enormous trance,
as if I was at Lourdes.
- How was the concert, my dear?
- Beethoven night. They're like animals.
You ought to stop work.
And live on what he gets at the bank?
You must be joking.
Well, there's what I get from my classes,
and Spock says here: "After the third month..."
Oh, for God's sake.
I say, do you have the feeling that
Meredith's a sort of irritating lodger? Eh?
I mean, look at us. Here we are,
sitting by the light of the silvery telly.
We're like the old married couple.
Hey. What do you say, fish face?
I'm talking to you.
Hey. Fish face.
Jos!
Jos!
- What, what?
- There are things here.
- Things?
- Yes, things.
Look at it all.
It ruins everything.
Surprise, surprise, surprise!
Well, what's the matter?
Meredith, it's for the baby.
I didn't think it was
for the prime minister.
- Where'd you get the money, George?
- James. I went to him...
James? You went to another man?
That dirty old man?
What do you mean another man?
I'm not your wife, Jos.
Hey!
How do you do? Come on.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye!
- Bye.
There you are. Off you go.
I've got you.
Can't stop. In a hurry.
- You always are these days.
- Yes. Sorry.
Hey, don't mess about, mister.
I haven't seen you for months.
Can't you spare me two minutes?
How's the pregnancy going?
Oh, lumping along.
- Still at the flat?
- That's right.
- The three of you?
- Four, soon.
That's not very fair on you,
with a wife, the husband too.
- We share.
- You share? Share what? Him?
The flat.
Well, it all seems very offbeat,
if you ask me.
Oh, it is. It's dead kinky.
We all dress up as Boy Scouts
and beat each other with our woggles.
Get them out of the flat.
I'll pay your rent.
- Can't be done.
- Why not?
The baby.
Look, I haven't had
my answer yet.
- Hey.
- Forgot my hat.
- Come on. Bye-bye.
- Here. Hey.
You know, I won 15 and 6
myself on that race, sir.
- What a winner that horse was.
- And it won't be the last time.
I bet it won't. The wife's laid out
a buffet supper in the dining room.
- Get us a bottle of something, Ted.
- Right you are, sir.
- The Nuits-Saint-Georges, perhaps.
- That sounds good enough for me, sir.
Doris, Mrs Leamington isn't
joining me for supper, is she?
- No, sir.
- Right.
Then you'll sit down with me,
won't you, Ted?
Oh. Thank you very much, sir.
Now, that is the end
of a perfect day.
Mr James' horse won.
Mrs Leamington's gone.
- Gone?
- Gone.
Gone where?
She's dead.
Doris, what a thing to say.
Well, what am I expected
to say, then?
Wait a minute.
Leave it to me, sir.
Doris, what a way in which
to speak. What happened?
Well, I heard this thundering
great crash upstairs,
and thinking it was
that damned cat, up I went.
If I've shooed that cat out once,
I've shooed him out...
Get on with it.
Well, there she was, lying beside
the bed... Mrs Leamington, this is.
With one of her medical books
on the floor where she'd dropped it.
- All blue, her face was...
- Doris, don't go into it.
- Did you fetch the doctor?
- Yes.
He said she was dead straight away.
I helped him to lift her onto the bed.
Oh, she does look awful.
Come in.
My apologies for that, sir.
Doris is not herself.
Your wife is at peace, Mr James.
It was a quick and merciful release.
- I don't suppose she knew what hit her.
- Something hit her?
- Pardon?
- Oh, I... I see.
- What do we do?
- I'll take care of everything, Mr James.
You're... you're too overcome
with grief and shock.
Yes, that's right.
No doubt you'd like to pay
your last respects?
It was nice of you to come,
Georgy.
Oh, I don't mind funerals.
Oh. That's lovely, Georgy. Yes.
Look, feet.
- What's this, the Chamber of Horrors?
- Hi.
They're the most
marvellous pictures.
Look, will you two
leave me alone!
They'll help you understand
the fetal development, Meredith.
I don't want to understand.
I don't want to know anything about it.
You know, she won't even
recognise labour when it starts.
Ha ha ha. Won't I just.
- Now, come on, Mummy.
- Shut up!
I'll tell you what this
little episode's taught me.
It's taught me what it feels like
to look like the back end of a bus
and sit around every night
with nothing to do.
You bitch.
We're not crying, are we?
Oh, here we go again.
Just like my mother.
She always used to cry when the
announcer On the radio said "good night."
Lucky for you you're pregnant,
otherwise I might smack your face.
You think you're one
of the world's beauties.
At least I'm not one of its freaks.
- I think I'll smack it anyway!
- No, she's right, Jos.
I am like the back of a bus,
and my face is too fat.
- My hair's like grass. I'm just a mess.
- Oh, shut up. You're not.
- Look, she's just jealous of you.
- Jealous?
Look at the size of me!
- Jealous!
- Jealous? Never!
- Stop it! Stop it!
- You're bloody jealous!
- Why the hell did I marry you?
- Oh, Jos, please go away.
Why did you marry me?
Thunderous chords on the piano.
Scream of train going into tunnel.
Don't pass out, dear.
I love you!
I love you!
I love you, damn you!
I love you!
Love you!
I love you!
- I love you!
- Shut up!
Listen, come back to the flat,
because I wanna talk to you.
- I don't want to listen!
- Well, sorry, love, but I love you!
She was a beautiful woman.
Beautiful,
tolerant,
civilised.
And about as exciting
as a half-brick.
I'd always hoped,
when Georgy was a little girl,
that you'd have a son and,
Oh, I don't know,
maybe they'd get married.
I suppose that sounds silly to you,
the idea of anyone wanting Georgy.
No.
I never see her these days.
Doesn't it worry you sometimes,
the dangers she runs?
- Dangers?
- The people she mixes with.
- She's not much more than a child.
- She's as tough as old boots.
Do you know, when she was eight,
she could crack a walnut in her fist.
Well, she's a girl,
she's immature.
Now, who'd want to try it on
with old Georgy?
I mean, look at her.
I love you!
I love you!
I love her. I love her.
I love her.
I do. What can I do?
I love her. I do.
What can I do?
Scrubbydodoo!
Hey, listen, missus, I'm not kidding.
I love you. I love you!
Listen, I'm not kidding.
I'm a desperate man. Missus!
I'll stop at nothing.
I'm gonna strip stark naked if you
don't come home with me right now.
You don't believe me, do you?
Hey, she doesn't believe me!
Hey!
Hey, watch this.
The fastest untying of a tie
since the first Roman tied
a bit of cloth around his neck.
What did you say?
The Romans didn't invent ties?
Oh, well, I'm weak on history.
You're not scared yet,
are you, darling?
Well, watch this. Look, lovely pair
of shoes here. Socks as well.
How about that, eh?
Hey!
Only me pants left, honey,
and here they go now.
Wait for the countdown.
Five, four, three, two, one...
- Jos. Please. Jos.
- What? Do you give in?
Or do you want the Chinese
water torture thrown in as well, eh?
- Put your clothes on.
- Then you'll come home? Eh?
Hurry up, my nipples
are freezing.
I love you.
I never said that to her
or to anyone.
I've grown to love you
in the right way.
So, that's all right, isn't it?
-Jos?
-Hmm?
- Jos, I love you. I love you.
- I know.
- It's because I do. It's bee...
- Look, don't go on, missus.
It'll be all right.
- Will it? Will it?
- Shh.
We'll live happily ever after.
br Jos! Jos!
Jos!
- What is it?
- It's Peg.
Eh? Peg? Oh, that's short
for Margaret, isn't it?
Yes. Well, look, I can't invite you in,
you see, I've just got out of bed.
Oh, Jos! Don't you want
to know about Meredith?
What? She's asleep.
Is she?
I've just come back
from the hospital.
She's started her pains.
- Oh.
- What's going on?
- Why weren't you here?
- Look, I'll write you a letter, dear.
- Are you alone?
- Look, belt up, Peg. ls there anything else?
No. The nurses said I couldn't be
much help, and you've to ring at eight.
There we are, then.
Ring at eight.
- Good night, dear.
- Jos, we're going to the hospital.
Yeah, but look, Peg says
we don't have to go till tomorrow.
She's having your baby! Yours!
Naughty. We don't need the gas and air
till we get much stronger contractions.
- Have you ever had a baby?
- No, but I've brought in hundreds.
Then belt up and leave me
alone with this thing.
You speak to me like that,
I shall take it away altogether.
There's a visitor for you.
All right, dear.
That's right.
Try to get some bye-byes.
I'll bring you a couple of aspirin.
It's like burning,
and she says aspirin.
Oh, Meredith.
Spiritual experience.
Ow.
Help. Help.
Thank you, my dear.
What is your name
and your telephone number?
Thank you. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Georgy.
- Hey, what time is it?
- Half past eight.
Oh, I'd better ring.
A girl. Seven pounds, two ounces.
Born at six thirty. Both doing well.
Oh, you rang.
That's what they said?
Seven pounds, two ounces.
Hey, that's not bad
for someone her size.
A girl.
Hey, that's better, in a way.
A boy needs more from a father.
What name did we choose
for it if it's a girl?
Sara, without an H.
Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara.
Sara? Eh? Sara.
Sounds like some international
combine or club or something.
Society for the Admiration
of, er... Risky Anecdotes.
Well, shall we drink
to babby's health? Eh?
Hey, throw me in a piece
of fried bread, would you?
Sara.
- Long life and happiness.
- Yes.
Good luck, mate.
You'll need it, with her for a mother.
Amazing things happen to women
when they have children.
The most unexpected people
suddenly turn out natural mothers.
I don't know why she didn't
get rid of it like the others.
- She went through hell to have it.
- She deserved to.
No-one deserves to.
She was in agony,
and she needed us.
We were in there,
rolling about on the floor.
Well, we didn't know.
Give me another.
Bad luck, your first time.
It's the absolute story of my life.
No matter what I try,
God's always got a custard pie
up his sleeve.
Very good, Miss Parkin. I'm afraid most of
the pathetic clowns are cast this season.
- Oh, give it a rest, Jos.
- Hey.
Are you interested in small parts, hey?
I know most girls aren't these days,
but, you know, you seem to have had
such bad luck in this direction.
I love you.
I love you.
God, isn't it marvellous
without her?
- Don't say that.
- Oh, sorry.
Say the first thing that comes
into your head.
Yes, it is. Oh.
Time I got dressed.
Oh, blimey.
Hey, do you think
you could make the bedroom?
- No.
- Well, I'll try.
- Here we are. That's the wrong room.
- Put me down.
- What?
- Oh.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, Jos, please put me down.
Jos, please put me down.
Jos, please. Would you please...?
- How long?
- Doctor said eight weeks.
- Hi.
- Where have you been?
How are you feeling?
Lousy.
Well? Aren't you going
to look at it?
This is your marvellous child you
couldn't bear being destroyed, remember?
It's hideous. I hate it.
It gave me hell.
All new babies look like that.
- You'll like it when it's a bit older.
- Oh, no.
I want it adopted. Now.
I've got a rotten headache. Have you got
any aspirin or dope or anything?
Not that I couldn't use myself.
How do you set about
adoption anyway?
If I ask the nurses here,
they'll plague me with sermons.
You're a bitch.
You're a bastard.
How is she?
Fine.
- Wanna go up and see her?
- Oh no, can't.
Well, come on, then.
- Is she proud of the baby?
- Yes, yes.
- Keeps drooling over it all the time.
- I told you so.
It's a bit strange, really,
because she's dead ugly.
Sara?
Mmm. She's got cauliflower ear,
a terrible squint.
- That poor baby.
- Horrible wig-join. You can see it
-from one end of the ward to the other.
- Jos!
- Hey, look.
- That's not funny!
Catch me!
That's why adoption
is so tricky to arrange.
You can't be sure the mother
knows her own mind.
Oh, don't worry.
You can be sure in this case.
In fact, I think it's
probably the only way.
- You see, the home situation is a bit offbeat.
- Offbeat? How do you mean?
Excuse me.
- Sister, shall I take her to the nursery?
- Oh, no. Just hold on a minute.
- I was discussing her with Mr Jones...
- Hey, George.
Jos. How are you?
Congratulations!
- I thought you said you weren't coming.
I've changed my mind.
I'm so thrilled about the baby.
Oh, are you visiting Mrs Jones?
Yes. I'm her sister, Georgina Jones.
I've been out of the country.
I couldn't get in sooner.
Surely Jones is her married name.
Yes.
Well, I mean her sister-in-law.
I'm Jos' sister.
That's my baby.
- Can I hold her?
- Sure.
Have a hold. Be my guest.
Jos.
Oh, Jos.
Meredith, you're looking marvellous.
Where have you been?
- I've just seen her.
- Who?
- Sara.
- Oh, that.
Honestly, she's going to be
a real knockout, just like her mother.
Look, Georgy, please, none of the
hearts-and-flowers mother-love bit.
No, honestly, she's beautiful.
She's just like you.
- Oh, shut up, Georgy, will you?
- Oh, come on, Meredith.
- You're just feeling down in the dumps.
- Don't you tell me what I'm feeling.
As far as I'm concerned, when I
leave this hospital, I leave alone.
- All very sad and that, but...
- Don't talk like that, Meredith.
I'm not having my life cluttered up
with some screeching baby.
The flat's all ready,
and I'm leaving.
It wouldn't be fair to have me
hanging around the three of you.
- What have you been telling her?
- What?
Well, whatever it is,
just get this straight, Georgy:
I'm having this baby adopted,
and that's that.
You're not. You're not going
to give Sara away.
Not now you've seen her
and touched her.
I don't touch her.
I leave it to this crew.
Now, just a minute, young lady.
- You stay out of it, you old bag.
- You can't.
How can you not want to hold her
and take care of her?
God, the embarrassment.
OK. If you're so keen on this
bloody thing, then you have it.
Free, gratis and for nothing.
With none of the attendant
pain or discomfort.
-Instant families!
- Yes, all right. I will.
Of course I will.
I wouldn't wish
a mother like you on her!
You're a cow, Meredith!
It's all right, everybody. Keep calm.
Nothing whatever to do with you.
Yes.
Well.
- Get rid of all this junk, Ted.
- Yes.
Dispose of all the sad reminders, sir.
Of course, of course.
- Come on, Jos.
- I'm coming.
Come on, quick. Come on.
- I'm not used to this.
- You're holding her all wrong.
What do you mean?
Ooh, that's better.
Now, you make the tea.
Oh, baby. Oh, baby.
Darling.
They can start reading at 18 months
if the letters are big enough.
Ooh, she'll start before that.
- Bank sensation!
- You're late.
The books were out fivepence.
It was every man for himself.
You two trying to lose weight?
It's like a pressure cooker.
The nappies have got to be done somewhere.
We don't want nappy rash, do we?
No, we don't.
- How's the basket?
I'm getting on.
I meant this one.
Goochy. Goochy. Goochy.
So much for fatherhood.
What's this one for, eh?
Catching heads?
- Oh, Jos.
- Did you get paid?
Wealth, wealth, wealth,
beyond the dreams of avarice.
Hey, let's go the pictures, Georgy.
Oh, we can't, Jos,
because we can't leave Sara.
Peg will look after her,
won't you, my old beauty?
- No, she can't, Jos.
- Sorry, my pottery class.
Damn.
- Well, you go by yourself.
- Oh, that's fun.
Well, I've got masses to do.
I don't mind, honestly.
Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
- Whoopee.
I'll have to get me skates on.
Do you get it?
- Yes. Yes, I see.
- Do you really?
What I mean is lace,
soft and white, like...
Like lace. You know, lots of...
Lace.
Right. All over.
All over. Yes, well,
if you're quite sure.
Tony, the flock material.
What do you think?
Aye, that's the stuff.
You see how it drapes?
It's gonna be like some
Bessarabian brothel up there.
- Her room?
- That bed, it's all lace and cupids.
Is he gonna get
some fancy woman in?
A couple of Nancy boys
dancing about there.
Oh, God.
He is going to get
a fancy woman in.
Bye.
Hey, Georgy.
Come to make
an honest woman of me?
- Something like that.
- Well, that's not good enough.
I told you those pills
wouldn't work, mister!
- Well.
- Georgy!
Good God, Georgy, you're not gonna take
that thing up all those stairs, are you?
Aye, aye, can't afford to lose it.
It's Sara's status symbol.
You're mad, Georgy.
Think so? Never been better.
Hey, hey!
- Your dad told me about all this.
- Left holding the baby as usual.
- Can we talk?
- Haven't got time. She's due for a bath.
Well?
You can't go on like this, Georgy.
Poor old James.
BYE-bye.
Peg says we ought to
think more about Sara.
- More?
- Yes, her future.
Look.
For one moment,
just let us think
of nothing but the present.
She thinks Sara's going to suffer
if we're not married.
Oh, nuts. Look, it'll be years
before that becomes a problem.
We can't go on like
this for years.
Don't you want to marry me?
You used to.
What?
Want to marry me.
You've changed.
I've changed?
No, Mum. I don't change.
- You've changed.
- I'm making a home for you.
A home? A clinic.
- Look, do you honestly like all this?
- Yes.
George, I...
No, Jos. I'm going to sleep.
I've got to feed Sara
in a couple of hours.
- Mrs Jones?
- Yes.
Well, no. Actually,
my name's Parkin.
Mrs Jones does live here, though?
Not exactly, no.
Mr Jones does.
- And the baby?
- Oh yes, the baby's here. I was just changing her.
I see. Well, perhaps you could
spare me a moment.
I'm your health visitor.
Well, come in. Awfully wet.
Thank you.
Isn't she sweet?
Gorgeous.
But the husband has custody
of the child?
Well, yes, it's a
bit vague, really.
- But he lives here?
- Oh, yes.
And you, do you live here?
Well, I sort of live in.
I'm employed to look after the baby
while Mr Jones is at work.
I sleep on the divan
in the sitting room.
So he has a steady job? I mean, there's
no problem about providing for the child?
Oh, no. He has this terribly
good job at the bank.
He's very responsible.
Aware of his responsibilities.
Georgina!
George! Where are you?
You great sexy beast!
I'm free! Hey!
I chucked in that god-awful job
at the bank, and I'm free.
Now we can spend all day
in bed together. Hey, where are you?
Hey, where are you hiding that great
seraphic body of yours? Eh?
Come out! Come out!
Come out! Come out!
Mr Jones?
? You've got to have a heartache
? When you fall in love
You don't sound as if you've
got much heartache.
I have. I have.
It really, really hurts.
Now, as we ride by
the end of the jetty, on our right-hand side,
if you look on the shore, you will see
a small cream-coloured house
with a red street door.
In that house,
Sir Christopher Wren lived
while St Paul's Cathedral
was being constructed.
And, as you can see...
"In that house, Sir Christopher Wren lived
"while St Paul's Cathedral
was being constructed."
This next bridge
is the narrowest road bridge across the river.
He could see it from
his bedroom window.
And then one morning, he woke up,
and he saw that they were finished,
and he said, "My God, it's there.
I'm famous. I've built St Paul's."
It's true.
Shall I tell you a little story?
One wintry afternoon,
not unlike this, nip in the air,
- I watched a fellow drown himself.
- Jos, we've got to talk.
I was walking along the Embankment.
And he was swimming in the
dirty water, with his trousers on
and a see-through nylon shirt.
First of all, I thought he was
one of these health perverts.
Then I noticed he was keeping
himself away from the shore,
tiring himself out, you see,
getting weaker and weaker.
Then the river police
came in a launch,
and by that time,
he'd gone under.
They cruised around for a bit,
then they went away,
to get a net, I suppose.
I never felt suicidal, Georgy,
till the last few weeks.
Didn't you try to save him?
I don't want to save anybody.
That's where you're a freak,
George.
Not being big and ugly and all that.
It's this wanting to save people.
...where we will have a five-minute stay.
I would like to point out that
the commentaries on these vessels
are entirely voluntary.
Therefore, should any of you
care to appreciate it,
you may do so, and I will
pass among you with a hat,
for which I should like
to thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
I love her. I love her. I love her.
I do. What can I do?
Hey, I am a desperate man, missus.
I'll stop at nothing.
I'm gonna strip stark naked
if you don't come home with me.
Go away, Jos. Go away, or I'll cry.
Really? How very peculiar.
You mean salt tears will actually
fall down your cheeks?
Shall I cry?
I'm told it's quite easy.
It's no good. Nothing happens.
Can you teach me?
Hey, fat face, I'm talking to you.
I don't think I've cried since I fell off
the seat of my bicycle when I was eight.
You're not laughing, are you?
No, you're not.
Other people might think
you were, but not me.
I can see through what other people
might think was a laugh. Just like that.
That was meant to be my fingers,
only, you see, because I can't click
my fingers, I use my tongue instead.
I'm like Peter Pan.
He couldn't click his, you know.
It's very embarrassing.
Georgy. Georgy.
Here, Georgy.
Georgy, could I talk to you
for a minute?
Come inside.
Come inside.
- Where are we going?
- Nowhere.
I just want to be sure
of your undivided attention.
Oh, I see.
It's abduction now.
He's gone, hasn't he?
Jos? Yeah.
What are you going to do now?
Don't know.
I've been thinking.
What?
I've been thinking that the terms
of my proposed contract
could be amended to cover this.
Oh, don't you start all that again.
I've had nothing else
for the last six months.
Just contracts, contracts,
contracts.
They're still going to
take the baby away.
- No, not necessarily...
- Stop the car!
- Contracts, contracts!
- Georgy!
Well, say it properly, then.
Georgina.
? Hey there, Georgy girl
? Pretty as a picture, told you so
? Can it be the Georgy we all know
? Or somebody new? I wonder
? Hey there, Georgy girl
? Hurrying away to celebrate
Oh, my God! Mother! Mum!
? There's somebody else for you
? Who needs a perfect lover
? That's all you wanted, right from the start
? Hey there, Georgy girl
? Now that you're no longer on the shelf
? Better try to smile and tell yourself
? That you got your way
? You've made it
? Hey there, Georgy girl
? Now you've got a future planned for you
? Though he's not a dream come true
? At least he's a millionaire
? So don't despair
? You're rich, Georgy girl
? You're rich, Georgy girl
? You're rich, Georgy girl
? You're rich, Georgy girl