So, the Aldridge Mansion is the only
19th century home in New York City
preserved both inside and out.
At the time of its construction,
it was one of the most
elegant homes in existence.
Um, interesting fact.
This grandfather clock was on the Titanic
and was saved by Sir Aldridge.
A Romanian woman and her child were
forced to leave the lifeboat to make room.
Uh, over here,
you can imagine Sir Aldridge
entertaining his wealthy guests.
It's said that, in this very room, P.T. Barnum
first had the idea to enslave elephants.
And if you'll follow me...
Now, I'm gonna tell you
something a little spooky.
On the morning of October 25th, 1894,
Sir Aldridge awoke, furious,
when his breakfast was not waiting for him.
So he called to his servants,
but none of them responded.
Why?
Because, during the night, one by one,
they had each been stabbed to death
in their sleep.
It was later discovered
they were murdered by his eldest daughter,
Gertrude Aldridge.
Sir Aldridge once wrote in his diary,
"I know God makes no mistakes,
"but I believe he may have been drunk
when he built Gertrude's personality."
Now, to spare the family public humiliation,
instead of turning her in to the police,
they locked her in this basement.
And they fed her...
...through this slot.
Years later, when a new owner moved in,
they dug out her remains.
But, after repeatedly hearing strange sounds,
he sealed it shut.
That's right.
No one has opened this door since then.
Okay.
Follow me.
Maybe steer clear of the door.
Sorry, Sir Aldridge. I got to get out of here!
Oh, Garret, you idiot.
No.
No.
No!No!No!
No! No!
No!
Daniel. Teresa.
Dr. Roberts. Robert, hello.
- Erin, sweetheart. Hi.
- Hello, Phil.
- Good morning, Jack.
- Hi.
- Did you hear the news?
- Tell me.
I'm lecturing in the big hall today.
- Darling, that's wonderful.
- I know.
- This is what you're wearing?
- What?
I have someone I want you to meet.
Phyllis, I would like to introduce Erin Gilbert.
She specializes in
theoretical particle physics.
I'm a huge fan.
This is such an honor to meet you.
Phyllis is guest lecturing
in Daniels' astrophysics and cosmology.
Wow.
Erin just learned she's being published.
Yes, well, I'm very proud.
I don't allow my lab
to submit to journals anymore.
I think journals tamper with the process
and ultimately hurt scientific research.
Yeah. It's like when scientists get caught up,
you know, in those dumb awards.
- You know...
- Oh, awards are massively important.
Yes, no, I was saying
it'd be dumb not to go after awards,
'cause that's where science really shines.
It's, unfortunately, the only way
to draw attention to good science.
- Excellent point.
- Mmm-hmm.
All right. I should be going.
Hey, Simon.
Well, I'm going to lecture right now
in the big hall.
It's good that it's big, too, 'cause I've got
a lot of big ideas I'm going to be spreading.
Hey, good luck on your tenure review.
Make me proud.
Fingers crossed.
Not that crossing your fingers
means anything, 'cause it doesn't.
Oh, I couldn't disagree more.
It's been proven that superstitions
can have tremendous performance benefits.
Exactly. I'm wrong about everything.
All right. Well, I'm gonna try to get out
of here without stepping on these cracks.
I don't want my mom calling me, like...
Oh, see, when they change direction,
you've got to...
So, you know her?
Oh! Ding dong.
Yeah.
Sean, that is an excellent question.
As you can see from my calculations,
we will soon be able to combine
general relativity and quantum theory.
Teaching in the big hall. Big day.
Big hall. Big hall. Big hall!
Big hall!
Sorry to interrupt, but I need to speak to you
about something you wrote.
Um...
I'm sorry. Uh, yes. What, um...
What publication?
I'm talking about your book.
Mmm...
Book. Um...
I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
my class will be here any minute.
You're Erin Gilbert, right?
Co-author of Ghosts from Our Past:
Both Literally and Figuratively:
The Study of the Paranormal?
I think you're looking for
a different Erin Gilbert.
One that likes very long titles.
Okay. But this really does look like you.
What? No.
Yeah, that's me.
Look, it was a very long time ago,
and it was just a gag
between a couple of friends.
I'm sorry.
A 460-page gag?
The first sentence is, "This is not a joke."
What do you want?
Well, I'm Ed Mulgrave.
I'm the historian at the Aldridge Mansion,
and I believe it's haunted.
If you could just come take a look.
I tried the police, but I just sound crazy.
I'm sorry.
That book you're holding is utter nonsense.
I don't even know how you got that.
I thought I burned both copies.
It's on Amazon. Both hard copy and e-book.
- What?
- It's on Books on Tape, too.
Only, I know how to read.
Is it now?
No!
No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna kill you, Abby.
- Oh.
- Erin.
Hi! Oh, Dr. Filmore. Hello, hi.
We're set for the final review
of your tenure case on Thursday.
Great.
But I saw that you had
a recommendation letter
from Dr. Branum at Princeton.
- Uh...
- Their science department
is really not what it used to be.
And I would consider getting a referral
from a more prestigious college.
More prestigious than Princeton?
Yes.
Um, hmm.
You see, I think you're an asset
to modern physics,
but I would hate to see you
throw it down the drain.
No. No, no, no, sir.
I won't throw it down the drain.
And I will get on that letter.
Yes. Princeton. More like Prince-tons
of dummies go there.
About your clothes...
Yes? Did you...
Uh...
Too sexy for academia?
Never mind.
No, no, no. What is it?
- Never mind!
- I don't...
Abby. You promised you wouldn't do this.
"Abigail continues her passion
for the study of the paranormal
"at the Kenneth P. Higgins
Institute of Science."
Come on, F7!
Are you kidding me?
Hello?
I've been waiting a long time.
Has been a while, hasn't it?
Hope you brought me more than one wonton.
Excuse me? Oh.
Huh.
Well, well, well.
Erin.
Abby.
Bennie.
Yes, I know who you are, Bennie. Can I just...
Can I have my lunch
that I've been waiting an hour for?
You know they make
smaller headphones now, right?
It's an advance in science.
Thank you for asking.
Probably the future you're looking at.
Here you go.
Why don't you show Miss Gilbert to the door.
Oh, it's just the same door we came in from.
- Yeah, I know how to get out. It's figurative.
- It's really not that hard.
- No, I'm okay.
- Don't.
- I tried.
- Poorly.
You put our book online
without my permission.
I don't need your permission.
Of course you need my permission.
I wrote that book with you.
My name is on it.
No. Absolutely not.
That book is a whole new
revenue stream for me.
And I'm, like, one-tenth away from
getting a new mini fridge in here.
Look, I am up for tenure right now.
Ooh, "I'm up for tenure."
And if my colleagues at Columbia University
Google my name,
that is the first thing that comes up.
Along with a ghost emoji now,
thank you very much,
- ...that does a little dance.
- You know what?
That book was our baby.
And you abandoned that baby
before it even learned to fly!
Okay, well, books can't fly.
And neither can babies, so...
You don't know. I'll tell you what.
If I had a human baby that could fly,
I wouldn't be telling the press about it.
If I had a flying baby,
I'd zip this, and so would you.
There is no experimental backing
for anything in that book.
And it makes me look like a crazy person.
- God! Are you kidding me?
- What?
I got one wonton!
I got a tub of soup,
and I got one split wonton.
Look at that, just floating there.
I'm sorry you're having
a soup crisis right now.
There's not even any meat in there.
That's just a carrot.
Abby, please.
- Yes.
- Abby!
I got one wonton!
What do I have to do?
I will take my top off for Bennie
if it gets me three more wontons.
I swear to God.
You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders.
I'm sorry, hello? Who are you?
Holtzmann. Virgo.
Avid skier. Gluten-full.
And 100% jazzed to meet you.
Don't get too close to her, Holtzmann.
She'll ask you to write a book,
and then she'll squash your dreams.
Okay.
Holtzmann works
with me here in the lab.
She's a brilliant engineer and very loyal.
She would not abandon you.
I get it.
She also happens to specialize
in experimental particle physics.
- Oh.
- She was almost hired by CERN.
That's very impressive.
Uh, what happened?
- There was a lab incident.
- But he's gonna wake up.
- He woke up yesterday.
- Great.
Then he screamed
and went back into a coma.
Well, I bet all that screaming
tuckered him out.
Um, can we get back
to our discussion please?
Oh, gosh, it sounds like a great time,
but I'm gonna have to say no
because Holtzmann and I are really busy here
actualizing what we just
theorized about in our book.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We're incredibly close on the hollow laser
for the reverse tractor beam.
Really close.
You're making a reverse tractor beam?
Abby, why don't you let her listen to the EVP.
- What EVP?
- No. Not... There's no EVP.
- EVP is electro...
- Electro voice phenomenon.
I'm familiar. I know what it means.
And there's never been one substantiated.
Oh, there hasn't? There hasn't been one...
You know what? You come with me.
With a suit on and you get so cocky.
A few months ago,
we spent eight nights at the Chelsea Hotel.
We didn't get anything.
Well, we didn't think so.
And then later, in the lab,
when we were reviewing these tapes...
- Wow, you really got me.
- You know what?
Usually we can't even get people over here.
- But we have never...
- She came right over to it.
Never had anybody actually
put their face down close to the machine.
It's a cool joke. That was funny.
It's disgusting.
Is it more or less disgusting
if I tell you it came from the front?
- Oh, you didn't... Oh.
- I can do it live if you want.
What's next? You gonna give me a wedgie?
No. I think both of us pretty much feel
you have enough stuck up your butt.
Burn!
Okay, you know what, I thought
we could have an adult conversation,
but apparently we can't.
Erin, if you don't believe
in this stuff anymore,
then why were you looking for the book?
A man came to see me at my work
saying his building was haunted.
What building?
The Aldridge Mansion.
It's obviously a joke.
What are you doing?
Uh!
See, this is, this is exactly...
- You want to go find some ghosts?
- Yes.
Break!
Ooh!
- Wait, you're going?
- I got the pack.
Abby! Please, Abby. The book.
Come on. Let's go!
I'm not going with you guys.
Oh, no. Are you kidding?
You were never invited!
I need you out of the lab,
so I can lock the door.
Oh. Well, you said "let's," so...
- Oh, my God. Just pull the...
- We're wasting time.
Just close the door behind you, it'll lock!
Abby, wait!
HEY! Taxi!
- Hey! Hey!
- Abby.
Abby, come on.
Please, Abby, just
take the book down. Please.
All right, all right,
but you have to introduce us
to this guy at the Aldridge Mansion.
Yes, he would love to meet you.
Then I will consider, maybe,
taking the book down
until you get your stupid tenure
at your stupider college.
Absolutely. Yes, I will. Yes, of course!
You got it?
Excuse me! Excuse me!
We're not open.
- Can I help you?
- Yes. Hi.
We're looking for Ed Mulgrave.
- I wanted to introduce these people to him.
- Hi there.
He came to see me this morning.
- Ed Mulgrave?
- Yes.
But Ed Mulgrave died 15 years ago.
- Yes! That's awesome!
- What?
Dead for 15 years!
Ed's a ghost! Ha! Knew it!
I just saw him today... Oh.
He's...
So, who is this?
That's Ed's son. Ed Junior.
Okay. That's obviously who I meant. That's...
Hi, Junior. If I may, uh, when is the last time
the paranormal entity was actually seen?
And if you were to rank it, let's say between
probably a T1 and T5...
Garret here saw it on Tuesday,
and I believe it made him soil himself.
- Jesus.
- Wow. Soiling.
I'd put that at a T3.
T4, if it was poop.
- What?
- Unless you ate something weird.
Then it wasn't the ghost.
Kinda hard to suss that out
after the fact though.
I didn't soil myself.
He did. He called me sobbing, saying,
"Oh, my God, my pants are toast."
Did you happen to keep
a sample of the soiling?
A sample?
- Okay. All right.
- I'd love to get that back to the lab.
Well, uh, so I have
made the introduction.
- Yeah, thank you.
- There you go.
All right, well, how 'bout
you take us across the street.
I got to get in there, set up.
Let's go on a tour.
Uh...
You're gonna die in there.
Aldridge Mansion. Take one.
And we are rolling.
Checking the settings. We look good.
What is that?
Looks like one of those things
that makes cotton candy.
It's a PKE meter.
There's a ghost anywhere around here,
this baby's gonna find it.
Does it work?
Uh, yeah, it works.
I just haven't had the appropriate proximity
to an entity for it to work.
Strange reading here.
Ma'am, can you tell us where you got
the world's tiniest bow tie?
Uh, it came with the shirt.
Okay, somebody really doesn't
want us getting in that door.
Can you tell us what it's like
to walk around in those shoes all day?
- It's not fun.
- All right.
Oh, Holtzmann, check this out.
Hold your ponies.
All right. Good gag.
Hey, are you getting that?
Very funny.
Is everything a joke to you guys?
Just your mama.
No, actually, I think the world of your mom.
You guys put all that
gooey stuff on the floor.
You opened the basement door.
You tried to freak me out.
We did not open the basement door...
Basement door is open.
- I didn't open it. Did you open it?
- I did not open it.
You know what, it was probably Ed.
And the guy who didn't poop his pants.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Look over there.
I didn't even know it did that.
Oh. Ah.
- I... My ears just...
- Mine just popped, too.
That is definitely...
- An AP-xH shift. Yes!
- Shift.
I mean, for sure. That's...
Uh, guys?
I don't think we're alone.
Holy crap.
Let me have the camera. Thank you.
Okay.
How can you be eating right now?
Once you POD--
Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Good God.
Class 4 apparition.
Distinct human form.
This can't be happening.
Oh, it's happening, all right.
That's the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen.
I'm gonna try to talk to it.
Just be careful,
she could be malevolent.
Yeah, just make sure you're recording it.
- Yeah, I'm getting it all.
- Okay.
Just be cautious.
I think she wants
to communicate with us.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
It's okay. She seems peaceful.
Hello.
I think you're gorgeous.
Hello. Hi.
Um, my name is Erin Gilbert,
Doctor of Particle Physics at Columbia...
- Yes!
- Oh, God!
She's getting away! Come on!
'Hum'. hurry!
- Run!
- Get it, get it!
- Where'd it go? Where'd it go?
- Where'd it go? Where'd it go?
- There!
Oh!
What just happened?
Abby, what just happened?
I'll tell you what just happened.
We saw a ghost.
- We saw a ghost!
- Yeah, we saw a ghost!
We saw a ghost! Oh, my God!
- We saw a ghost.
- We saw a ghost!
Oh, my God, we saw a ghost!
We were right! We weren't crazy!
- Oh. Oh.
- Oh. Oh.
We saw a ghost!
Ghosts are real! Ghosts are real!
I believe in ghosts 'cause I just saw one!
They're real!
Who is that?
- Dr. Bronstein saw this on Reddit.
- Hmm.
It was re-blogged
from a site entitled Ghost News.
Not a publication I'd heard of.
I hope you understand that
when we give someone tenure...
Oh, I accept your tenure.
When we give someone tenure,
they represent this institution.
But this is just not
what this institution is about.
Ah, Dr. Gibbons.
Found mold in my office, so I gotta move.
Don't tell anyone.
I don't want people to panic or anything.
Kids, hello.
I didn't get fired. Even though
I have the old plant in the box.
Margaret, hi.
Just taking my plant out for some air.
Just like to carry it in this box
with all my other personal stuff.
Phil. Phil. Hi. Phil, um...
If you turn around, you'll see me.
I'm right behind you.
Oh, yeah. He's looking at that chart.
Couldn't figure that out, either.
Call me when you figure that out.
Haven't been able to.
Samantha. Hi. How are you?
Ugh. Sixty. Seventy.
Sometimes, I like to
put all my stuff from my office in a box
and just do some exercises
and just use it as weights. Eighty.
Well, I hope you're happy.
That video you posted got me fired.
Fired!
- No! God, no! We will all die.
- Turn to ash from the inside out.
- What?
- Put it down. Carefully.
- Put it... Put it down... Oh, my God.
- Fired!
After years,
years of hard work.
And ass-kissing.
God, I kissed so many
different kinds of asses.
Erin, we're sorry that you lost your job.
But, I mean, there is
kind of a glass is half full aspect of it.
I mean, we saw a real ghost.
You know, and she was beautiful.
Till she dislocated her jaw
and ecto-projected all over you.
Yeah, that stuff went everywhere,
by the way, in every crack.
But, I got to say,
even that was kind of spectacularly beautiful.
I did detect a heavy ionization discharge.
I mean, I could smell it.
A full-torso transmogrification
with corporeal aggression.
I mean, how often does that happen?
I mean, they want us to be quiet about that?
We are not gonna be quiet about that.
And it's not just us.
We have over 100 comments already.
And they're not all crazies.
Come here, I want to show you this.
Read that.
"Ain't no bitches gonna hunt no ghosts."
Oh, no, no. Okay.
The one below it.
This woman is describing
a Class 3 haunting in her house.
She can't just move. She can't call the police.
She can't call her friends.
Who's she gonna call?
Ghost Jumpers!
Tonight, the Ghost Jumpers
make contact with the ghost of Bigfoot.
God! These phonies!
I mean, you know what?
These guys are the reason you got fired.
It's because of stuff like this that makes it
impossible for us to do our real work.
This cannot be the best option for people.
Okay, we are on the cusp of something here,
a real discovery.
Unlike Columbia,
this institute is 100% behind us.
Really?
Erin, this is what we have dreamed about
since we were little kids.
I know that if you come and join us here,
they are gonna be so pumped.
We just have to go upstairs
and ask for more money.
I just honestly didn't realize
your department still existed.
- What?
- Come on, ghosts?
I will not let the 12-year reputation
of this fine institution be besmirched by you!
Oh, come on! Suddenly this place
has a classy reputation to uphold?
You're only dean now
because the last dean went to jail.
Are you saying that I'm not qualified?
You spell science with a
And what's upsetting about that is
I don't think you know that that's wrong.
This is an institution of higher learning.
And if you guys want to study "ghosts,"
do it somewhere else,
because I have two words for you.
Let me guess, "Get out"?
- No, he's gonna say "suck it."
- He's not gonna say "suck it."
Suck it.
- You were right.
- You know...
Oh, my gosh.
I think it might be a ghost.
Oh, no, it's not. It's just a bird.
Bye. There's the door.
Later days. Can you hear this?
Let me turn it up.
Oh, my God.
This is incredibly immature behavior.
Caught it.
Just a minor setback.
You know what, guys?
I think we can really do this.
We can become the first scientists
to prove the existence of the paranormal.
All we have to do
is find an entity and capture it
and bring it into a controlled environment.
That's all!
Hey! There's the Erin I remember.
Welcome back.
- Thank you.
- Nice.
Okay, we should probably
get this equipment out of here.
- They're gonna want it back.
- I thought this stuff was yours.
- All stolen.
- No...
Hey! That worthless garbage
belongs to this school!
Scatter! Scatter! Scatter!
Go, go, go, scatter!
Hey. Uh, good morning.
Okay.
Hey, how you doing, sir? Got a Metro...
Hey. That's a dope jacket, man.
I got that jacket.
You know what? It's a sweater.
I made a mistake.
You have a good day, all right?
Whoa. Hey! How you doing, man?
They'll always ignore you.
They are walking sewage,
concerned only with their own trivial matters.
Okay. Um...
When the Fourth Cataclysm begins,
laborers, such as yourself,
will be among the last led to the butchery.
So, make the most of your extra time.
You are just a bundle of joy, ain't ya?
You have a good day with your crazy ass.
Wow!
I wonder what train he taking.
Is he going on the tracks?
Oh, man...
You want to use the bathroom,
there's a perfectly nice bathroom
upstairs at Starbucks.
Hey, hey!
Hey, you're not supposed to be
down here, man. Only subway...
Whoa!
What in the sweet hell?
Exquisite.
Uh, I'm cool, dude. Yeah.
Forget this, man!
Forget this!
ROWAN". Aldridge Mansion? Check.
Seward Street subway station?
Check.
Well done, Rowan.
But still so many more checks to go.
You have been bullied your entire life.
Now you will be the bully.
Trust in your abilities,
and the universe shall bend before your will.
Hey, weirdo.
We got a clogged toilet in 1843. It's bad.
I mean, like, biblically bad. Get on it.
Absolutely.
Nothing would make me happier.
Whatever, freak show. Just do it.
And the universe shall bend before your will.
Charge the lines.
Create the vortex.
Break the barrier.
I found a fantastic spot for your business.
It's more of a research lab.
- What do you think?
- That's it?
Let's go see your new home.
- Oh, my God! Look at...
- Look at it!
- Look at how high!
- Look at the amazing spread!
Look at the ceiling to the floor height!
On.
Look at this. Look at it.
It's perfect.
- We got tons of space.
- Stripper pole!
- Uh, we'll take it.
- Great.
- The rent is $21,000 a month.
- Fuck you.
- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry. That's the rent?
- Yeah.
- Who can afford that?
All your friend said was that
you were looking for a place
to explore the unknown.
Okay, we need to explore
something a lot cheaper.
There's an upstairs!
Are you offended by the smell
of Chinese food?
I have now moved above you,
and you still can't help me out.
How does it take you an hour
to go up one flight of stairs?
I have really bad knees.
You know what?
What is that?
It's our hot and sour shrimp soup.
That looks like dishwater and one shrimp,
and I think it's...
I hope that's a water chestnut.
When it feels like
The world is on your shoulders
And all of the madness
Has got you going Crazy
Oh, we're dancing? Okay.
Let's be safe, though.
Where all of the action
ls right there at your feet, well
Holtz. Holtz. Holtzmann!
Fire!
Over towards the fire.
Thank you.
You'll be doing fine once the music starts
I hate to DeBarge in.
- She loves that.
- Is that by DeBarge?
I thought it was Devo.
- Anyway, I got the website up.
- Oh.
I passed out a bunch of these fliers
all over town,
so I'm drumming us up a little business.
"f you see something, say something."
It's catchy.
It's good.
- Yeah, I'll take it.
- I think it might be the anti-terrorism slogan.
Oh, God.
- It is, isn't it?
- It is. I'm sorry.
Well, I guess now we know
why so many people are calling
about suspicious-looking bags.
Dang it.
I love the green paper!
Thank you.
Hey. Uh, I'm here about the receptionist job.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
Is this a big ol' robot?
What?
The receptionist job that was in the paper.
Um, that's what I was here about.
You're hired.
Okay, I... God, you're all sweaty.
I think I got it.
"If there's something strange in the..."
Ow.
Oh!
Kevin. Right?
- Kevin.
- Yeah.
Abby. We spoke on the phone.
- We did. Yeah.
- Hello there.
- Okay.
- Kevin. Oh.
That's a manly name.
My name's Erin. With an
For "everything you want."
- Okay. Well, we should probably...
- Hmm.
Should probably get started.
Erin? Do you want to join us?
- Yes.
- Erin.
I've got some questions.
Okay. Here we go.
Let me just get to my notes.
Um... Okay.
All right, first off, I just want to say...
You know, we should probably
start with a very important question
that we're asking all of the applicants.
Urn, you know,
are you seeing anyone right now?
- Um, seeing anyone?
- Yeah.
- Just for business purposes.
- Business purposes only.
Well, I'm seeing all three of you.
In front of me.
Oh, just forget she even asked,
because if she did, that would be illegal, so...
Forgotten.
Good.
No, I've forgotten.
I don't know what you asked.
There we go.
Uh, Jillian Holtzmann, Radio Times.
Uh, what have you been doing
with your whole life?
Great question.
Oh, well, um, lots of different jobs.
Um, I did the "actor thing."
- Worked for...
- I'm just gonna... Just real quick.
Can I ask why no glass?
Oh, uh, yeah. They just kept getting dirty,
so I took them out.
- That's...
- Don't have to clean them anymore.
- Oh, boy.
- And I can just...
- I got to try to keep that in mind.
- Yeah.
Would it be okay if I bring Mike Hat
to work sometimes?
He has major anxiety problems.
You know what? I would love
to let your cat live here with you,
but I have a pretty severe cat allergy.
No, I don't have a cat.
He's a dog. His name is Mike Hat.
Your dog's name is My Cat?
No, Mike Hat.
Your dog's name is Mike, last name Hat?
Well, his full name is Michael Hat.
I can't say that I'm allergic to dogs, so...
It's all right. He lives with my mum.
- Well, then we have that figured out.
- Okay. That was...
One down. No cat.
But you know what I say,
let's jump ahead, uh...
Kevin dabbles in web design.
And I asked him to throw together
- ...maybe a couple of logos for us.
- Uh-huh.
- You want to see them?
- Now is your moment.
- Pull it out.
- Oh.
Sure.
You're like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Here we go.
Okay, so...
What do you think of that?
Oh.
Yeah, you do see how this
might make us look bad, right?
Uh, is it the boobs you don't like?
'Cause I can make them bigger.
No, I can see them.
Ghost Tits was my nickname
in middle school.
Oh, right?
You know what? I think
it's not always about the end result.
It's about the journey.
Well, uh, what about this one?
- Oh, uh...
- Uh...
I think that's already a thing.
What, 7-1-1?
It's 7-Eleven.
Yep, it is. I have another option, though.
- Okay, please.
- It's this one.
That's one of my favorites.
Uh... I think you might've made a mistake.
I don't think that one's for us.
Oh, no. No, that's for you.
You know, I just thought the floating hot dog
implies that a ghost is holding it.
Your work is
more cerebral than I expected.
Still, so many questions about that choice.
First one is, why a hot dog?
Oh, I just like them.
Both food groups, all in one.
Dogs and buns.
- Those are great.
- Yeah.
We're actually gonna
discuss everything just for a second,
so if you could just stand over there,
- ...we just need to convene for a moment.
- Okay.
- Sure. All right.
- Thank you.
Just go right over there.
Don't listen.
I won't.
Oh. He covered his eyes.
Guys, look, as much as
I would like to have him here to look at...
- Um...
- What?
You don't find him attractive?
Kevin?
Ow!
God, no. Poor guy.
Ow!
- I don't know, guys. I don't know.
- Come on, Erin.
We need help around here.
We cannot keep carrying
that equipment up here.
And I know the phones aren't ringing
off the hook right now, but they will be.
You know,
an aquarium is a submarine for fish.
Listen, let's just see
how the rest of the day goes.
You know, talk to other people, and we will
hire who is most qualified, okay? Deal?
There are no other people.
He's the only applicant.
Excellent.
God, that's loud, huh?
- It's loud.
- It's loud.
- Kevin. You got the job.
- Hmm?
- Welcome aboard.
- Cool.
Can I bring my suitcases up?
Yep, you sure can.
Look at him.
Ow!
Oh, uh, ma'am?
Hi, ma'am. If you're waiting for takeout,
you should really wait downstairs.
On!
This... The magazine was here,
so, I don't know,
I just thought that might be
your waiting room.
You know, fun fact about this place,
that this building is built in the same place
as the first Chinese gambling den
in New York. Did you know that?
I mean, it's, like, coincidence, huh?
Also, um, I got chased by a ghost.
What?
You know, up above us
was the old New York prison.
It's the first place in New York
that they electrocuted people.
I'm telling you, it used to take so long
that they'd just be like, "Shoot him.
We using too much electricity."
That's why I knew something weird
was going on down here, man.
Whoa. Did you see that?
- Yes. I saw that.
- Did you see that?
- That wasn't me.
- I saw that quite a bit.
Wait, wait. Hey! Seriously? For real?
'Ey. Come on, man.
- Didn't I tell you?
- Is he down here all the time?
Oh, he think this is his art studio.
No, no. My studio is in SoHo.
This is more of a gallery.
Okay, hello there.
Uh, have you seen a Class 4, semi-anchored
entity anywhere in the vicinity?
- You talking like a boat?
- Can you speak English?
- I'm being specifically clear.
- Let me. Let me.
Hi. Have you seen a ghost down here?
- Okay, that's clearer.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I've seen a ghost.
- You, too?
Oh, yeah.
Would you be able to describe it to us?
- Thank you.
- But
Ah, come on, man. Come on, man.
No, no, no, no. Let him, let him...
- I'll take a visual.
- No! I can't let him.
This is my job. I'm gonna get fired!
- We want the visual!
- No, no, this is very helpful.
This is not helpful for me.
'Ey. Look at me. Stop.
- Stop painting.
- I'm so sorry.
I don't like this on my wall.
You don't want it here anymore?
- I don't want this ghost on my wall.
- No ghost.
- Let me fix this, then.
- Well, I...
No ghosts allowed.
- You know what? You know what?
- Right?
- Get your ass up out of here.
- Come on.
Bye. Patty!
- I love you.
- Man!
This ain't art!
And y'all encouraging him.
Come on!
Come on!
Am I on crack, or is that a good logo?
Guys, I cannot do it by myself.
This equipment is untested
and highly unstable.
All right, ladies,
we got a limited window
for when the next train arrives,
I'm telling you.
And don't touch the third rail
unless y'all little dainty ass
can handle 750 volts.
- Oh, come on.
- You know what?
I should've gave you some coveralls, man.
It's so unsanitary down here.
You know, you don't usually think
about the amount of urine smell.
That's pretty much how it's gonna be.
It's not gonna freshen up at all.
Oh, boy. Okay.
Definitely got something over here.
Look at... Is that...
What is that, a burn?
That's where I saw that weird sparking thing.
What was it?
Baby, if I knew what it was,
I wouldn't say "a weird sparking thing."
You're mouthy. I like that.
It looks like fission scorch.
What? Fission scorch down here?
Except that you're right.
What is... Wait, I'm smelling
both electrical discharge
- ...and isotopic decay.
- Isotopic decay.
How is that... Holtzmann?
- Yeah. What?
- Come here. I need your snoot on this.
Am I nuts?
'Ey, 'ey, ladies.
While y'all over there making out
with that dirty piece of garbage,
...we only got a couple of minutes.
Do you see that?
- The eyes.
- All right, Holtzmann.
- Now is not the time to be messing with...
- No.
Oh, cream and sugar.
Hey, Patty, can I get some
illumination on this subject?
Yeah, I can put some light on that.
'Oh, boy!
"Oh!
That is more and more unsettling.
That's the dude I saw!
I'm telling you, that's him!
We got another Class 4,
and this one's even more ionized
than the one at the Aldridge Mansion.
Where are these ghosts coming from?
You know what?
I got to get this thing on film.
- Holtzmann?
- Yup.
- Power us up.
- Okay.
'Cause we are taking this pretty boy
back to the lab.
This is a little rough.
It's in its early stages. Got to be honest.
Just gonna plug these things in here.
- Okay, Erin, come here.
- Let me document this.
- Grab it, grab it.
- Wait.
That's gonna shoot a proton stream
at that ghost, okay?
So whenever I say, "Go," you just do that.
Uh, why am I operating
the untested nuclear laser?
- You have the longest arms.
- Oh.
You guys might want to hurry up.
Oh, my God. I forgot the most important part.
Yeah. Sorry.
Erin, this is just a little bit of grounding
so you don't die immediately.
Do you know your iron level?
Mmm-mmm.
It's fine.
You have done this before, right?
Okay, Erin, on my cue.
Aim the barrel at him.
Ready, aim, fire!
Oh!
Oh, wah-wah.
Okay, this is a little underwhelming.
Can we get more power?
And once again, fire!
- This isn't working!
- Wow!
Can this beam get any stronger?
Well, not at the moment.
Ah.
That's the train! We got to move!
Just try to lure him
back to the platform!
Grab her!
- Come on!
- Move, move, move!
Come on, move!
Hurry!
That's the express train!
And it's not stopping!
It's coming! Get her up!
Oh, not the collar!
Well, I guess he going to Queens.
He's gonna be the third
scariest thing on that train.
God, did you see that?
Oh, you can't see anything.
My God! I mean,
that power surge really held him.
Wow! We need more juice.
We need to be more mobile.
I know what to do.
- Yes.
- I almost got killed.
Yeah, I know. It was so awesome.
It was awesome.
Everyone thinks this video is fake.
Look at these comments.
We have to bring a ghost back to this lab
and document it, you guys.
I mean, this stuff is real.
We have to be able to prove it.
We will. And you shouldn't
be reading this stuff.
You're not supposed to listen
to what crazy people write
in the middle of the night online.
Look at...
"Bogus equipment"? You know what?
I'd love you to meet me any place, any time.
No, no, no, let's... You're right. We should...
- Here is your coffee, Abby.
- Thank you.
Did you get sugar in it this time?
Uh...
I hate coffee.
- Yeah, the sugar's in there.
- Sugar's in it.
I'll take it.
Don't want to waste a cup of coffee.
Can we just pretend
that didn't happen, please?
All right, well, what do you think?
L... You know what? I just can't watch that.
I'm not sure. I mean,
it's just a lot of bits and pieces.
I'm pretty sure none of it is
supposed to be in the subway, though.
It's like it was part of a miniature cyclotron.
And they used
a chromium alloy for the hull.
I would've used aluminum, but I'm crazy.
What's that weird thing that guy said
to the lady from the subway?
Um... Oh, I know what you're talking about.
Fourth Cataclysm. Yeah.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Fourth Cataclysm.
Man, what they gonna do,
make a fifth one, starring The Rock?
Oh, yeah, you guys, you have a visitor.
Um, she's here to see you in the booth.
Booth number one. With the earrings.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. We see her now.
- Thanks.
- No worries.
I'm joining the club.
Um... Well, it's not really a... I'm sorry.
Kevin. Hi, can you answer the phone, please?
- I can't. It's in the fish tank.
- Uh,no.
The one on the desk that's ringing. That one.
- Oh, that one.
- Yep.
- Oh, my God.
- What's this place called again?
Conductors of
the Metaphysical Examination. Talk.
Got it. Uh, Conductors
of Metamucils and Stuff.
Whee, oh, slow down. I... What...
They hung up?
No, I was just not into that conversation.
Kevin, I'm really gonna need you
to try a little harder. Okay, buddy?
Well, if they call back, I will.
I got to take off, though.
I'm in a hide-and-seek tournament,
and we are in the semis.
Uh, Kevin, I'm gonna need you
to pick up all those suitcases.
- Ouch.
- Oh!
Eh, did you hurt your face?
Hey, did y'all hire that big dumb dude?
Bye!
Man, I got a cousin Mookie.
He is half as stupid,
and he will work for Vienna sausages.
The thing is, this isn't really a club.
It's a scientific research group.
And I understand that,
but let me tell you something.
I read a lot of nonfiction,
and you guys know
a lot about this science stuff,
but I know New York.
And check this out!
I can borrow a car from my uncle,
and y'all won't have to lug
all this heavy equipment around.
- Oh, guys, we got to get a car.
- Come on, baby.
You need me. You need Patty.
Patty come with benefits. You need me.
Stop playing like you don't.
You're in.
Ha!
Oh, yeah.
You get a car,
and you get a car, and you get a car!
Uh, you didn't disclose
that the vehicle was gonna be a hearse.
I'm sorry. My uncle owns a funeral home,
not a Enterprise Rent-A-Car.
Hope you checked to see
there wasn't a body in the back.
Uh, I don't think so. I don't really know.
You didn't check?
I mean, I was in a hurry.
I checked to see if we had gas.
That was more important.
So there is a body?
Let Holtzmann check.
She likes that type of stuff.
Yeah, I can think of seven good uses
of a cadaver today.
No, Dr. Frankenstein,
we got to turn in the body
if there's one in there.
- All right.
- Don't do that.
- Excuse me, maintenance man.
- Mrs. Ponner.
How may I help you?
Well, for starters, perhaps you can tell me
what in God's name this is?
Mrs. Ponner, this is nothing more than
some leakage from our air conditioning.
Well, I think it's touched my skin,
and it's given me a rash.
Does it look right?
Mrs. Ponner, I wanted to say no.
But, yes, I'm afraid there is some redness
in here.
- Is it very bad?
- No.
Of course not, Mrs. Ponner.
But I assure you,
whoever is responsible for this
will be flogged within an inch of their life
and then left on the street to die like a pig.
- Well, I didn't ask for that.
- Well, in that case, I'll send up some cream.
I know everyone is anxious,
but we have to be patient.
Who thought it would be funny
to put Earl in that old lady's back?
The guests are starting to complain.
And we don't want to give away any spoilers
before the big show.
See you soon.
Very soon.
Based on the results
of the subway field test...
The one where you were
almost killed, remember?
I remember.
I added a booster using microfabricated
radio-frequency quadrupoles
to speed up particles
before entering the DLA device,
- ...portable, wearable for maximum flexibility.
- Wow.
Then we add the reversible
psychokinetic energy sync
plus Holtzy's hollow beam to this baby,
and voila'.
- We got a ghost in there.
- Whoo!
- Slap me.
- Okay.
I will slap you as...
I just want to say
what an exciting moment this is.
Holtzmann, I am beyond impressed.
Abby, is that comfortable?
It's a lot heavier than I expected,
and I'm pretty sure
it's compacting my spinal column, but...
- So you're gonna want to plant your feet firm.
- Okay.
Bend your knees
to compensate for the extra kickback.
All right. Turning the machine on.
Whoo!
Boy, she's got an impressive purr.
Okay, so, that little asshole over there
is the target.
Okay.
Just put your thumb
on that red trigger button there.
- Yeah.
- And go to town.
Okay.
And here we go!
Whoa!
- Oh!
- Oh!
I guess she's not
bending her knees enough, right?
Whoo!
She's doing a marvelous impression
of a deflating balloon.
We just got to let her ride it out
until she's out of juice.
She's corkscrewing me!
Abby,
I'll make some adjustments.
It's like fighting a gator!
Hello.
Looking forward to this metal show.
Hi.
Ozzy rocks! Whoo!
Yeah!
It's...
He certainly does rock.
This world cannot be cleansed fast enough.
Hi.
Enjoy the show.
Rock and roll.
So, how did the two of you guys meet?
Uh, Abby transferred
to my high school, junior year.
Go, Karate Cats.
We started telling ghost stories,
and we just kind of bonded right away.
And all the other kids were, you know,
getting drunk and going to parties,
and we're like,
"Uh, that's stupid."
Plus, we weren't invited to any parties.
Oh, you know what?
You know what I thought...
Oh, I'm not gonna tell you.
I'm just gonna show you. You'll see.
So, how did y'all get into ghosts?
Did one of you see one?
Yeah, I did.
Really?
When I was eight years old,
the mean old lady that lived next door died.
And that night, I woke up
and she was standing at the foot of my bed,
just staring at me.
She did that every night for almost a year.
What?
And I told my parents,
and they didn't believe me.
Still don't believe me.
I had to go to therapy for years,
and the kids at school found out,
and they would laugh at me
and make fun of me,
call me "ghost girl."
Abby was the only person who believed me.
Kids is mean, man. But I believe you.
Thanks.
- I have some questions.
- Seriously?
- Okay, ready?
- Oh, no.
- I found this in a box when we were moving.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Oh, yes!
I wish we still had this presentation.
I mean, it was pretty great.
I kinda wish I could've seen it, man.
- You might just get your wish, Patty.
- No way.
Wait, you have it?
Damn, I wish I hadn't wished that.
Ghosts, they're real!
Lord, help us.
- Para...
- ...normal...
- ...is...
- ...normal.
And a valid science.
- Thank you for requesting this.
- I...
Why don't I see ghosts
flying around everywhere?
The barrier stops them.
It's the last line of defense
betwixt the worlds of the living and the dead.
Protect the barrier!
Protect the barrier! Protect the barrier!
Or mankind will end.
On!
That was really good.
- That was really good.
- We actually...
- That was... I'm a little proud of us. Uh-oh.
- Yes.
Rhythmic clapping.
I'm so goddamn happy
you two are back together.
Aw.
Man, I'm gonna tell you right now, y'all,
I was hating it up until the finale,
but the finale is what got me.
- Guys, we're on TV.
- Oh. What?
A local team of paranormal investigators
released a video of a proclaimed ghost.
You can see clearly there's something
in the picture that isn't easily explained.
Oh, my God! They're showing the video!
We famous! We famous.
As a result, there are
a lot of questions being asked now
about the people who shot the video.
So, what do we think of these Ghostbusters?
Are they to be taken seriously? And...
"Ghostbusters"? That is not our name.
They can't just make up a name
and just call us...
I spoke with Martin Heiss earlier.
- He's with the Council for Logic and Data.
- Okay.
- Martin Heiss. Okay, okay.
- Okay.
He is a famed debunker of the paranormal.
Dr. Heiss, you're a highly regarded
scientific authority.
- Your credentials are impeccable.
- Thank you, Pat.
If you see something
of true scientific interest in this video,
that goes a long way to legitimize these
Ghostbusters and everything they stand for.
A game changer, yes.
So, tell me, Dr. Heiss, is this for real?
Hell no.
So, now we're the ghost girls.
I feel your pain, Erin.
No. You know what? Screw that.
We are scientists.
- Plus Patty.
- Thank you.
Okay, we believe in provable,
...physical results.
- That's what we believe in.
- Yes, we do!
- Preach.
- I will preach.
You know what we're gonna do, ladies?
We're gonna catch a ghost,
we're gonna bring...
God.
We're gonna catch a ghost,
bring it back to the lab...
- Kevin?
- Yes, boss?
Can you answer the phone
that's ringing, please?
- Buddy.
- Yes, I can, boss.
Uh, Ghostbusters.
- "Conductors of the Metaphysical..."
- Okay.
Cool. See ya.
Hey, guys, which one of these
makes me look more like a doctor?
Me playing saxophone
or me listening to saxophone?
Who was on the phone?
Uh, the Stonebrook Theatre?
There's a goat on the loose.
I'm gonna load up the car.
- Whoa.
- Okay, okay, okay!
Yo, yo, I got something for us, too!
Hey, hey, hey, you guys,
I got these from work.
I'm making it official, man.
You put one of these on,
you won't get slimed again.
- That's great.
- Yeah, we'll put them on in the car.
- Okay.
- Erin!
- Um...
- Oh.
One second.
Who's that?
Erin!
Hello, Phil.
How do you just completely ignore
my calls and messages for a week?
- Me? Ignore you?
- Yeah.
You just stood there during the most
humiliating moment of my life.
Is that her boyfriend?
- No.
- Sexy.
Who are you? Who are these people?
You didn't tell me about
a book that you wrote,
and now everyone's saying
you're some sort of crazy ghost hunter.
Okay, well, first of all, that's wrong.
We don't hunt ghosts.
We stalk them.
And we are very close to trapping one soon.
And then we will study it
and do reports on it.
- Yeah, he probably dances real sexy.
- Uh...
You know what I'm saying, like, just a wind...
I don't think his hips move at all.
I think he's mechanical
from, like, the rib cage down.
- No!
- I know how that guy dances.
How's he dance?
Like...
No!
I'm telling you, he...
Look, I bet you he get loose and...
I bet you he pop locks. I bet you...
He does... No!
None of that. None of that's happening.
- It's rigid. It's got a lot of teeth.
- Girl. Please.
And he thinks he's doing you a favor.
- Man, he rip that...
- And you're like, "Get it off me."
He rip that V-neck off
and he gets it busy, man.
And he's got... He rips that V-neck off,
he's got another V-neck underneath it.
And you know what?
I don't care that people think I'm crazy.
I don't care what you think, or anyone.
Because what we're doing here
is groundbreaking.
It's serious. We're doing important work.
Hey!
Look at this beauty!
Whoo!
Wait a minute.
What did you do to my uncle's hearse?
I fixed it.
Hey!
He works at a funeral home!
I can't take this back with a ghost on it!
It's our science mobile, I'll have you know.
And I'm about to go with my science friends,
and we are about to do real work.
So, good day to you, sir.
Erin.
We gotta go!
We are late. Get in here.
- Not you, Phil.
- Erin!
- Funny.
- Erin, we have to... This is not funny.
Just get in the...
- Erin, please get in.
- Holtzmann, this is not the time.
You are killing me. Erin.
Oh, we have fun.
If there's something strange
in the neighborhood
Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters!
If there's something weird
and it don't look good
Who can you call?
Ghostbusters!
I'm calling
I'm not afraid, not afraid
I'm not afraid, not afraid
I'm not afraid, not afraid
Oh, I'm not afraid
Nighttime, my lights on
Whoo!
Got me scared, whoo
I'm-a need my bed
I see shadows all on my wall
Man, these monsters be big and tall
Ghostbuster, who you gonna call?
- Let's go.
- Let's go...
- Oh. Did you want to...
- I'm sorry.
- I'll let you. I'll let you.
- Next time.
Whoo! They roll up to my house
They knocking at my door
They coming busting in
Kill all them ghosts
Something strange
in my neighborhood
Look out the window
and it ain't too good
I smoke these ghosts
like Backwoods
Are you the Ghostbusters?
Actually, we're
the Conductors of the Metaphysical...
We're... Yes. We're the Ghostbusters.
"There's a chicken frying itself in the library."
- That is strange.
- That is not what he said.
Please, follow me.
Right away. Please, all of you.
Fernando was down here when
something crawled out of a wall vent, and...
I heard him screaming, so I went to check,
and that's when the "thing" was
tossing Fernando all around the room.
I thought it was gonna kill him.
I shrieked when I saw it. I...
I guess I scared it, because I'm told
that I have a very disturbing scream.
I could see that.
Anyway, if you could just mosey around,
you'll probably bump into it.
Kay. girls?
All right. Well, we know
it's down here somewhere.
Let's split up, and if you see anything,
get on the walkie.
Roger.
Separate from innocence
The morals we've been fed
Holtzmann! This is serious!
And I agree. We all agree.
Except for Kathy. She doesn't get it.
All right, come on.
Guys, I think I got
another one of those devices.
I just thought
this was gonna be like a book club.
Play some Stevie Nicks albums, you know?
'Cause I'm telling you right now,
if I see two twins from The Shining,
I'm gonna pass out.
Okay, yep-
Room full of nightmares. Not going in there.
I don't understand
how I get wrapped up in this stuff.
I had a good job at the MTA.
Was it perfect?
No, of course it wasn't perfect.
But I tell you what, everybody was alive.
Was that there before?
Please do not answer.
I said, don't answer!
Okay...
Oh!
Hi.
It's a full paranormal transferal embodiment.
Erin, all of our theories
on spectral possession are true.
There's a ghost in that thing, and I want it.
Let's light 'em up!
Whoa...
Run! We're gonna lose it! Come on!
- I love your fire!
- Oh, man.
Ugh!
Upstairs! Go, go, go! Come on!
Huh! Why fear what's around you?
It could be everything you dreamed
And it's about to be true
Ooh, yeah
Come with the one who wants to
drag you away from the shore
'Cause you're looking for more
You want some more
That's not mine!
I think those machines
are making them stronger!
That thing is super ionized!
And super not-benign!
This music is so terrible,
it's making him more angry.
Play something gentle!
SANGER". Behold the power of the undead!
We have summoned Satan himself!
For we are the kings of all...
- Let's do this!
- Go, go.
This auditorium is Art Deco, you idiots!
Aim for the ghost!
Hey, Patty, you take that aisle.
I'll take the far one.
Okay, I need y'all to get out the way!
We need to get up those aisles!
All right, move, people!
I need to get down that aisle!
If you're not gonna move,
you're gonna become part of this operation!
All right, heads up!
Come on! Move me left!
Oh! Ooh! Watch the rings.
Watch the rings.
Okay, you sweaty freaks.
I'm 'bout to save you from this ghost!
Ooh.
Okay, so I don't know if it was a race thing
or a lady thing, but I'm mad as hell.
- Pick me up!
- All right, put me down!
Put me down! Down, down, thank you.
Okay, Patty, stay still!
- You have sort of a...
- Okay, I just...
I don't need you to tell me
anything right now.
- No, no, no... You got a...
- Nope.
I really need you not to tell me
anything right now.
- But, Patty, there...
- Hey. I'm tired.
- No, no, no...
- Listen...
I'm just gonna go ahead and take off,
how about that?
No,no,no,
I don't really think that's a good idea.
- Going to take off...
- Come on, Patty. Patty!
And I don't want to piss off the ghost.
Moving, going back to my booth at the MTA,
so let me know if you need some MetroCards.
- Do it, do it, do it.
- 'Cause I am...
Really?
All right, ladies, light 'em up!
Patty, stay still.
Just don't hit Patty anywhere important.
- What?
- Nothing!
Oh, you gonna get it now!
Erin, I forgot to tell you, don't let your beam
get entangled with my beam.
- What? Why?
- It's too much power.
It would cause a counter reaction.
The beam would shoot back into your body,
and each atom will implode.
- What!
- Holtz, open that trap!
HOLTZMANN'. Okay.
And I'm gonna open it on three.
- Holtzmann!
- Ready?
Sweetie!
Two...
- Open the box!
- And one. Okay!
Erin, doing great. Abby, doing great.
Patty, try a little harder, okay?
Get in the box, you hellion!
Come on, we got you!
Come on.
Whew!
Excuse me, gotta get...
Excuse me, excuse me.
I got a ghost to get. Thank you.
Did we just catch a ghost?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We put a ghost in a box!
You want some more,
you want some more?
Yes!
What you're looking for
You want some more...
Right in there!
We are the Beasts of Mayhem! Huh!
Sorry, can't buy you another one.
Yeah!
Wankers! Black Sabbath did that shit in '74.
Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters!
- My gosh.
- Thanks so much.
Why are there ghosts in New York?
We made magic today,
and that's all I got to say. I'm Holtzmann.
Where are these ghosts coming from?
Are there any more ghosts
inside the theater?
I think we took it out.
Listen, we're scientists.
We're here for the unanswerable questions
and, really, to pursue truth.
We're the Ghostbusters!
Yeah!
Nope. I had him yesterday.
So?
So, it's your turn.
Weirdo city.
Charge the lines.
Create the vortex.
Break the barrier.
Enjoy your fun, Ghostbusters.
For soon, you shall bow down before me.
Whoo! Y'all gon' make me
lose my mind
Up in here, up in here
Y'all gon' make me go all out
Up in here, up in here
Y'all gon' make me act a fool...
There he is.
Come on, Kevin. Let's go.
Uh-oh, Kev.
Go, Kev.
Go, Kev. Go, Kev.
Go, Kev.
- Ah.
- Uh-oh, Kev. Stop, Kev.
- Watch it!
- Stop, Kev.
- Watch it.
- Stop it, Kevin.
You ain't rapped long enough
to be foolin' with me
And you?
You ain't strong enough
So whatever it is
you puffin' on
That got you thinkin'
that you Superman...
Oh, please.
Get it. Get it.
This is so good. We have to celebrate.
- Come on! This is what...
- You're right, you're right.
- Yep.
- ...legit feels like.
- Right here. This.
- Yep.
Oh, my God.
You have to stop kissing this.
That... It just makes me feel
so warm and tingly inside.
That's probably the radiation.
Hey, guys, I got some pretty cool stuff
cooking up over here,
if you want to just turn your head.
I got some newly printed circuit boards,
and I rebuilt the superconducting magnets.
I improved beam accuracy
by adding a plasma shield
to the RF discharge chamber.
I have cryocooler to reduce helium boil-off,
and to top it all off,
we got a freakin' Faraday cage
to attenuate RF noise and avoid quenching.
- Nice!
- All right!
There's a Smartin Christ here to see you.
Smartin Christ?
Wait, are you saying "Martin Heiss"?
- Doctor...
- No. No.
Dr. Martin Heiss, the famed scientist
and paranormal debunker?
- He's in this building right now?
- Yeah, that guy.
Okay, you tell him that we're not here.
- Wait, what? What?
- I don't want to talk to him.
They're not here.
On...
Dr. Heiss, hello. Welcome. Dr. Erin Gilbert.
Is this a good time, Doctor,
or is this dinner rush?
Why don't you call
and make an appointment?
It's actually a perfect time.
We were just
doing some experiments over here.
Ah.
Yes, please, have a seat.
Let's start light and easy.
Why are you pretending to catch ghosts?
You know, it's really easy
to just sit there and be the naysayer,
when you don't actually do anything.
You know that we only comprehend
about 4% of the universe.
4%!
- Across the board! It's four!
- Abby, Abby...
We all believe in the scientific method.
I've dedicated my life to it.
And we have actually done it.
Today, at 4:32 p.m.,
we successfully trapped a Class 3 vapor.
You're telling me
there is a ghost
inside that thermos?
- In that can?
- Don't touch it. Don't touch it.
Booyah. Emphasis on the "boo."
Well, I would love to see that. I really would.
Shoot. You know what?
You're not gonna get that treat today.
We're still assessing what type
of containment method we're gonna use.
We're testing the lab... In the...
So, till we figure out
how to best keep the entity,
that's not gonna happen.
How's that for my timing?
I come.
You've caught a ghost. I can't see it.
Look, I know it probably
sounds like we're making this up.
- Yeah.
- It sounds crazy,
and we probably don't really look like
legitimate scientists.
No, you only lack the proper equipment,
like a garbage truck
to hang on to the back of.
Said the guy with
the walking stick and the floppy hat.
It was my mother's.
Yeah, that is an awesome hat.
All right, man.
Thanks for stopping by.
Well, I guess the graciousness has run out.
You want to see it?
I would love to see it.
Well, he can't see it.
I'm going to show it to you, then.
How about that?
- Gear up, you guys.
- No, you're not. Don't.
Excuse me. Why are you doing this?
Because he doesn't believe us.
Erin. Come on,
we have finally succeeded
at doing the thing that we have talked about
since we were little kids.
And you want to risk it all, what, for him?
Who cares if you impress him?
Oh, golly, you two are something.
You're right. I'm sorry.
- I don't...
- Okay.
- I don't know what I was thinking.
- All right.
It's okay.
Attagirl!
Sorry. I did it. I'm sorry.
- My God!
- I know!
Casper?
Aw, man!
Hey, that man went out the wrong door.
Oh, my God.
He wasn't really Ghostbusters material.
Who threw him out the window?
A ghost threw him out the window.
Oh, you mean like Patrick Swayze?
Like, he's sitting behind you,
making some pottery?
Yeah. Like Patrick Swayze.
That's it. Then we were all dancing
at a summer camp in the Catskills.
And then we sat down,
and he was behind me,
and we made a vase.
Oh, you're combining the two...
- I combined a couple of Swayze movies.
- Yeah.
Oh, you know what was a good one?
Road House.
I loved Road House.
- Point Break.
- He was a...
Oh, Point Break.
Come on. At the end with the big wave?
He was a ghost in that, too!
Well, you don't know
if he dies at the end.
He doesn't die.
He doesn't die. They don't say he dies.
Well, now what?
- Who are you guys?
- Official business.
We'll take it from here. Thank you.
- What?
- You need to come with us.
- What?
- Why?
The mayor needs a word, ladies.
So it's tandem parachuting.
So you'd be with an instructor.
The little spoon.
- And who is on top?
- The instructor.
Nah.
Oh.
- Mayor.
- Oh!
Hey! There you are.
Welcome. Sorry for the mess
and for the drama.
Please, come sit down. Take that one.
Good. That's right.
And, you, that's a good one for you.
And take the end seat. Good.
That's not so good.
No feet on the table, please.
Um, sir, we don't have a lot of time.
- And we're not frauds.
- No.
- We are legitimate scientists.
- Let me interrupt you.
We know you're not frauds,
because we have been monitoring
this situation quite closely.
Agents Hawkins and Rorke
are with Homeland Security.
So we've been investigating
this extremely quietly.
- Okay.
- So, what do you know?
Um, we believe that someone
is creating a device
that attracts and amplifies
paranormal activity.
And that activity can be escalating now
and giving us an even larger scale event.
"Larger scale." Well, that sounds terrible.
Okay, well,
you've been doing great work. Well done.
We really appreciate it,
but it's time to knock it off.
- What?
- Knock it off.
No, I heard you and I see the hand gesture.
What does...
These gentlemen are on it.
Let the government do their work.
We're just worried that you all
are drawing a lot of attention...
- Exactly.
- ...to yourselves.
What?
- Patty does wear big earrings.
- Patty.
Well, if it's a crime to look good,
guilty as charged.
Other than that, I feel like
we keep a very low profile.
You drive a hearse with a ghost on it,
and you use a distinctly
un-American-sounding siren.
We do.
Do you have any idea
how many federal regulations
you're breaking on a daily basis?
- One?
- No.
- Two?
- No.
Is it one?
Just sit quietly.
Here's the essence
of the deal.
We are gonna have to
make the public believe
that you are frauds.
- What? Wait. Why?
- What?
The human brain, you know,
it can only handle so much.
If everybody knew what was going on,
you know, there'd be a panic.
So, we need to get the information out there
that the incident at the concert was a hoax.
'Cause, otherwise, there'd be mass hysteria.
Uh, we don't want mass hysteria either.
Our main concern is that
we're allowed to continue our work.
- Yes, that is very important.
- Very important.
But my concern is, I feel like the cat is sort of
already kind of out of the bag.
I think what they're saying is
the cat is out of the bag.
They want us to put the cat
back inside the bag.
No, I know that's what they're saying.
- But I'm saying the cat's already out.
- I know. I know it's out.
- So it's hard to put the cat back in.
- It's not impossible.
- But that's why they have that saying.
- It's a nonsense saying.
If the cat is outta the bag,
you can't put it back in!
I put a cat in a bag all the time.
But once the cat is out of the bag,
aren't you like,
"Ooh! The cat is out of the bag!"
We just want to
shove that damn cat back in the bag.
The cat has been out of the bag before,
and yet, people lose interest
and put it back in.
People always move on.
Sheriff in New Mexico
reports a UFO encounter.
The crew of the SS Ourang Medan
dies mysteriously.
The entire town of Langville, Montana,
goes missing.
It does?
Okay, but he...
We're talking about relocating.
No one's being killed here, right?
They were turned inside out.
Their skin is on the inside of their body?
Their skin is on the inside of their body
because their organs are on the outside.
But they're okay, right?
Sure.
I think they're dead.
On that horrifying note,
thank you all so much for coming.
Call this number if you have any more info.
When it comes to these ghosts,
we'll take it from here.
The US government
doesn't need the help of hobbyists, okay?
So go back upstairs to
your little dim sum tea party, okay?
And leave it to us. We're the big dogs.
- Hey, come on, man.
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
Meatheads.
- Unlock it. Unlock it.
- Okay, wait. Hold on.
Roll your window up.
I'm watching you.
You think they got genitals in there?
Or is it more of a Ken doll situation?
I'm watching you!
I'm gonna go with Ken doll situation.
It's smooth.
We're watching you!
Now, the mayor said we could
continue our work, and so we shall.
We got to be prepared.
That's why I've made a table of treats.
Erin, you've had a hard day. Step right up.
Pick a gun, any gun.
No!
I'm sorry, not that gun.
That one's not ready. It's yours when it is.
Here, in the meantime...
This.
Wow! What does it do?
It's a Swiss Army knife.
No woman should walk around unarmed.
I know what it does.
- Also, here, why don't you take this.
- Yeah?
Give that a toss.
That's gonna send up a little poof.
It's only dangerous to ghosts.
- All right.
- Okay.
Oh, nice!
- Ooh!
- Ohl
Yeah, my mistake.
It was a medium poof.
This puppy I like to call a Ghost Chipper.
Hollow-laser technology,
sucks in the ghost and neutralizes it.
Step up to bat and do what you're gonna do.
You truly scare me.
I just want to let you know that.
I'm gonna just...
- Oh...
- Come on!
Oh, it's like Mardi Gras in there.
It's a proton glove.
It's gonna maximize flexibility
during hand-to-specter combat.
Just give it a punch, it's motion-activated.
Ha-ha!
Okay. That...
...was awesome!
- No, that is a deadly high five.
- No.
- No.
- Hey, ladies,
I'd call this a successful test.
It's fraudulent and unsafe, frankly.
You know, these Ghostbusters
are creating an unnecessary panic
- ...in a sad grab for fame.
- It's fine.
People can rest assured
that these women are fake.
Oh!
Damn.
- Aw, my favorite acid.
- It's okay. I'll get it. I'll get it.
Be careful.
Hey, guys, I've been meaning to ask,
what was that thing that threw that man
out the window the other day?
Kevin, it was a ghost.
- A ghost?
- Do you not know what goes on here, Kevin?
Okay, I've got it.
We sell the restaurant.
Guys, we haven't had customers, anyway.
It's time to face the facts,
the restaurant is not working.
You're standing in the acid.
- Ah, not my slippers.
- It's hydrochloric acid.
Get the baking soda. There you go.
That's how you clean up hydrochloric.
Good boy.
- Oh, God, it stinks.
- Just a big, beautiful dummy.
Well, it's official. We're all ghost girls now.
Can't see.
- Well, that's the acid.
- Get back to the eyewash station.
- Where is that?
- Back by the bathroom. Left.
There you go.
Stop when you hit something.
- Okay.
- Jesus.
Good job.
All right, I would like
to remind everybody here
that in a very short amount of time,
we have seen multiple
Class 4 malevolent apparitions.
- Yeah.
- We did.
Who cares what anybody else
is saying about us?
We know what we're doing.
I mean, all morning,
I've been reading about this stuff.
There's sightings all over the city.
"Wailing spirit sighted at 6th and 26th."
Another one,
"Spectral polar bear on 63rd and 5th."
Then there was that weeping wall
in the thrift store at Chelsea.
- Wait. Did you say 6th and 26th?
- Yeah. "Wailing spirits, 6th and 26th."
6th and 26th. 6th and 26th. Okay.
6th and 26th.
Um, Aldridge Mansion. Um, Upper West Side.
Yes? 70... 72nd.
Um, where did we find the first device?
- Uh, at the subway, right here.
- Okay.
Theater. Downtown. Downtown.
- Downtown?
- Yes, yes. In here.
Okay, what was the other address you said?
Polar bear on 63rd and 5th Avenue.
And the one in Chelsea?
- Uh... Chelsea is at 10th Avenue and 18th.
-18th. 10th and 18th.
Uh.
What do those look like to you?
Oh, It's an Touching other little "X's."
- Ley lines.
- Ley lines.
What's "ley lines"?
It's a hidden network of energy lines
that run across the Earth.
It's a current of supernatural energy.
Supposedly, if you look at sacred sites
and weird events all over the world,
and connect them with lines
where they intersect,
it's an unusually powerful spot.
Abby and I just dismissed this theory
because it just seemed
too random to have any merit.
Dismiss this.
Okay. That looks like it's got some merit.
He's using the devices
to charge the ley lines.
- He's creating a vortex.
- A vortex.
Oh, boy.
Okay, if he gets one of his machines in there
and it's big enough,
he's gonna be able
to rip a hole right through that barrier.
Letting whatever's on this plane
come crashing down on this plane.
Okay, I'm calling this in.
Okay, um, that intersection right there
between 7th and 8th.
What is there now?
- The Mercado.
- Mercado. It's Spanish for "table."
The Mercado? That actually makes sense.
Okay, yes, I'm looking
for Agents Hawkins and Rorke.
The Mercado has
one of the weirdest histories
of the buildings in New York.
Okay, so it's your
standard-issue haunted building.
No. This is even before it was a building.
All sorts of massacres happened at that spot.
Like the peaceful trade between
the Lenape Indians and Captain Warren.
Then, all of a sudden, everybody dies.
Oh, my God, you guys.
This is the dude that was at the subway
that was talking about the cataclysms!
This is him!
Oh.
It's always the sad, pale ones.
Okay, ladies, let's gear up
and hit that Mercado.
Who's in the mood to save New York City?
And did you try adjusting
the thermostat before placing this call?
Well, I'm terribly sorry
that you have a draft in your room.
Why don't you hold while I connect you
to someone who might care.
- Hi. Excuse me.
- Hold on.
- What do you want?
- Where's your janitor?
Oh, that nut-job! What has he done...
I don't want to know.
Just take the stairs down and get him out.
Hey, stop right there!
Shut it down!
Ah.
The Ghostbusters.
Look, I think it's great
you found yourself a little hobby,
and I'm sure, on paper,
flooding New York City with ghosts
seemed like a great idea,
but we happen to like the world the way it is.
Then you must've been afforded the basic
dignity and respect of a human being,
which I have been denied.
Not really.
People dump on us pretty much all the time.
I am a genius.
I see things that no one else does.
And for it, I am rewarded
with nothing but scorn and mockery.
Luckily, I am not
the only one seeking revenge.
Behind these are millions of souls,
souls which have been cast aside.
Souls who see the world
as it truly is, as garbage.
Garbage that needs to be cleaned up.
They're mostly dudes.
When these barriers are destroyed,
an army of the undead
will return to pester the living.
"Pester the living"
doesn't sound so bad.
They will return to pester the living
with unspeakable pain and torment.
Children will be pestered limb from limb
in front of their own parents.
The parents will be pestered in half
and pestered in half again.
And pestered into the ground until their
bloody, pulpy bodies are nothing but meat.
That's a different, uh, definition of "pester"
than what I was thinking.
I think the word we're looking for
is apocalypse. Apocalypse.
Well, let's get these barriers destroyed,
shall we?
Uh, uh, uh, uh, wait, wait, wait! Rowan.
I get it. You don't like people.
People can be terrible.
The thing is, though,
there's so many terrific things out there.
I mean, wonderful things
that are worth living for.
I mean, you got soup,
and, you know, that first... You know when...
Oh, God. I can only think of soup.
Anybody? Somebody? Patty?
- Salad.
- Salad.
- Whoa, whoa!
- No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, stop what you're doing.
The police are already on their way.
It's over. You're going to jail, Rowan.
Well, in that case,
bye.
That's a weird move.
Oh, he dead. That's a dead man.
See if you can shut that thing down.
- Come on!
- Holtz?
Holtz, are we good?
Uh... Well, he's not, but, yeah, we're okay.
Okay. Well, that's over.
Okay, we're down here! Down here!
You hate to see the smart ones go bad.
Man, it smells like burned bologna
and regrets down here.
Like, um, the dude that worked here,
he, like, dressed, like,
in a Captain Kirk-type outfit.
- What's up?
- He was, like, standing over here...
I don't know. It's strange.
You know, his technology's
not that different from ours.
It's basically, like, we're
both using the same science.
- That is strange.
- I think I know why.
Look what Mr. Cuckoo Pants
has been reading at the beach. No.
Oh, my God.
I told you that there would be
people out there that loved our work.
Why am I so flattered that
that weird little sociopath bought our book?
Oh, thank you for everything you did.
You saved us all.
The mayor thanks you, of course.
Privately, so don't tell anyone.
Um... Can I walk you out?
Well, why don't you all go get some rest?
These gentlemen here
will get you out of here. Okay?
- Oh, thank you. That's very nice.
- All right.
- Thanks for all you've done, ladies.
- Thank you very much.
I just have to say
a couple things to the press.
You know how that goes.
So we just are gonna fake-arrest you now.
Oh, and we towed your car.
Real-tow, not fake-tow.
Ms. Lynch!
What's that?
- REPORTER 21 Ms. Lynch!
- What? Wait, Why?
Ow!
- Excuse me!
- Stop resisting.
I'm not. I'm walking with you.
- ls New York in trouble?
- Everything is fine.
It was just another publicity stunt
by these incredibly sad and lonely women.
It's like they read Eat, Pray, Love
and just ran with it.
Well, mission accomplished, ladies.
I say we get some drinks and celebrate.
How about it, Erin? It's my treat.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
A couple quick questions for my blog.
First, how does it feel wasting
tax payer money and government resources
with your pranks?
Uh, why don't you go back to
your mother's basement where you live?
Yeah, I plan to, after this.
Ms. Gilbert, I asked around your hometown.
I talked to somebody
you went to school with.
They said when you were a kid,
you made up a ghost.
So, tell me,
were you born a fraud, ghost girl?
Don't call me that!
ABBY; Erin! Oh, my God!
Erin, he's too pasty to fight.
Erin, you're making us look bad right now.
Erin, come on, let it go.
They should put you back in therapy,
you freak.
Oh!
Oh, damn!
Hey-
Guess whose desk I just set on fire.
You'll never guess.
You may guess when you see
your desk later. Okay.
All right. Just read it. Just read it.
"Midtown movie theater owner claims
"Basset Hound
regularly attends matinees by himself."
- Look at his ears.
- Yes, I see.
I meant the one about me.
- Oh.
- Yes.
It's devastating.
Oh, look, you're on TV.
We spoke to Dr. Harold Filmore,
Physics Department Chair
at Columbia University,
where Ms. Gilbert used to teach.
Oh, no, no.
It's unfortunate that we have
these former ties with Ms. Gilbert.
Here at Columbia University,
we're about real science, discovering truth,
not lying for a sad moment of fame.
You know what?
They don't know what they're talking about.
We also spoke with
the Dean of the Kenneth P. Higgins Institute.
Oh, God.
Ms. Gilbert's association with the
Kenneth P. Higgins Institute, albeit distant,
is a blight on this university.
But, good news,
I have an album dropping in two weeks.
It's called I'mma Be Me, and I wouldn't mind
playing you the title track.
Ha!
God.
Yo, Erin, shake that off.
You know how many lives you saved?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we gotta get out there.
We gotta get something to eat.
We gotta find that Basset Hound.
I'll just see you guys tomorrow.
I gotta go. I'm sorry.
- Erin...
- I'm sorry!
So, Abby, I've been doing a lot of thinking,
and congratulations,
I've decided to become a Ghostbuster.
Oh, God. I don't have time to try to explain
why that's not going to happen.
I thought they would've
been happy about that.
Did you guys lose your keys?
What did I tell you? Pin it to your bra strap.
That's where mine is, and it...
Who's out there?
Holtzmann, I swear to God, I...
ROWAN". Don't look so surprised.
You didn't think I was gone when
there's so much left to do, did you, Abby?
It's brilliant, really.
My devices energized spectral entities
on a nuclear, paramolecular level.
Sound familiar?
It's the reverse of your research.
Do it in the right place, with enough power,
and there goes the barrier.
And then the world shall bend to...
Okay. I apologize.
That looks nastier than I intended.
Enjoy, Abby!
Ghostbusters. What do you want?
Hello? Guys, it's me.
Are you there? Please pick up if you're there.
Call me as soon as you get this.
I think when Rowan killed himself,
it was just the next step in his plan.
The mayor's itinerary has been set.
Mayor Bradley is meeting with the diplomats
at Lotus Leaf this very moment.
Lotus Leaf.
Abby! We got you a sandwich
so you don't be picking off of ours, man.
You need some food.
Your moods have been real bad, yo.
Come on now.
Abby? You in there?
Everything okay?
Abby, come and get your sandwich
Come and get your sandwich, please
You want your little sandwich?
Abby...
Hello, Jillian.
Hello, Abby.
Are you okay?
I'm quite well.
That's good.
You found my pipe.
I got it at the dumpster yesterday.
I'm gonna use it to make a proton shotgun.
Pretty cool, right?
If it doesn't work,
we can just swing it around and break stuff,
so it's kind of a win-win.
- What?
- What are you doing?
Not my babies!
Hey!
- Wait a minute!
- No!
Man, are y'all playing?
'Cause this ain't funny, man. Yo! For real!
See, Abby, I told you
to have that sandwich, man.
Low blood sugar is serious!
- Hello, Patricia.
- What?
Abby!
What the...
Look at the view.
This is fun, right?
Good-bye.
I got you, baby! I got you!
- Oh, my God, help me.
- Hi, Patty.
Hell no! The Devil is a liar!
Boo.
{SCREAMS)
Hellion, begone!
Oh, shit.
Oh, no!
Holtzy! Got you, Holtzy!
No!
Get out of my friend, ghost!
Ow!
Ow! That's gonna leave a mark!
The power of Patty compels you!
Ow!
Is that you, Abby?
Where did he go?
Hey, guys, check it out!
Hey, listen.
I figured you're gonna need my help,
so I borrowed all this stuff.
If you could just chuck me down
my own proton pack, that'd be great.
- Kevin, come inside!
- Kevin.
- Come inside.
- I'm part of the team.
I can help out. I'm not gonna get in your way.
- Come on, move!
- Move!
I was born to be a Ghostbuster, all right?
Nothing's gonna stop me!
- Oh, man.
- Kevin!
Come on, Rowan, get out of him!
Thanks for the upgrade.
Rowan, ya big bully!
Hope this guy knows
how to ride a motorcycle.
Rowan, not Kevin!
Yeah, he does.
Oh, that's so not good.
No, no. It's just a magic trick.
He didn't actually cut her in half.
- No, no. I was there. She was cut in half.
- There's two women.
Yeah, I saw it.
It's just a trick.
Mayor Bradley, it's me!
Who the shit is this?
It's me! It's Erin.
She thinks that's a sliding door.
It's Erin. Hi!
She thinks they're all doors. That's sad.
She's a scientist.
Mayor Bradley.
You have to evacuate the city!
Never say that word.
You have to shut down the power
to the whole city!
Don't you understand? He's using
the power to energize them!
You know what, as you can see,
the mayor is very busy.
Oh, no.
It's happening-
Can you hear it?
It's...
Oh, um...
Okay, that's a dumpster.
But the undead are still arriving.
Please, Mayor Bradley,
you have to believe me.
You're the only one
that can do something. Don't...
Please don't be like the mayor in Jaws.
Never compare me to the Jaws mayor. Never!
Please, you have to get everyone out.
You're endangering everyone in the city!
That took way too long.
What are you doing?
My... Get off of me!
Mayor Bradley, you have to listen to me!
Get out of the city! Get out of the city!
They're coming!
Don't you understand?
These ghosts kill people!
50 cents a T-shirt.
My plan is to wear a new one every day,
and then just throw 'em out
and then start over every month, yeah.
Whoa. Hey. Man,
nobody ordered a Clark Kent strippergram.
Clark Kent?
Oh, because of the glasses
and the handsomeness?
I should have worked out more
when I was alive.
Oh, I definitely should
have worked out more.
You have to get out of the city!
Please! Get out!
Oh, no.
It's happening-
Oh...
City College must have just let out, huh?
Yankees suck!
What the hell am I doing in New York?
- Let's do this.
- Oh, yeah.
Taxi! Taxi!
- Where you going?
- Chinatown.
Nah. That's, like,
one more block south than I want to go.
Sir, those are actual ghosts flying around!
Eh, they're Class 5 floating vapors.
Nothing to worry about.
No, no, no, it's important.
Don't you see what's happening?
Look, I don't go to Chinatown,
I don't drive wackos,
and I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
What? No, no, no, wait!
That's a double negative!
That means you are afraid of ghosts.
Oh, God, I got to get my gear.
Seem to have hit an impasse.
Yeah, I'd say so.
All right, let's clear a path.
You guys,
this looks like my kitchen.
What the hell is that thing?
Ew.
- Hey, hey!
- Wait!
Oh, really?
Did you leave the keys in the car?
My uncle is gonna be pissed.
- Okay, light him up!
- No, don't shoot.
The equipment on top of that
is basically a nuclear reactor.
- What?
- Okay, I vote we don't shoot at that.
Well, we just gave a ghost a nuke.
We should probably run.
HOLTZMANN'. Yep.
Go! Go! Moving out!
Yo, was Thanksgiving
like Halloween back in the 1920s?
'Cause that's a creepy-ass Macy's Parade.
I don't know. I've always kind of been
attracted to husky men in hats.
Uh-oh.
I just made eye contact.
- With the balloon?
- Yeah, straight down the barrel.
- Oh, damn.
- I think we may look like chew toys to him.
All right, let's pop some balloons!
Oh, Lord, have mercy.
This is just wrong!
I can't move my hand.
I can't reach the trigger.
You guys, this is exactly
how I pictured my death.
Come on.
Proton guns are all well and good,
but sometimes you need the Swiss Army.
Welcome back!
- Am I shouting?
- Yeah.
I think the balloon popped my ear!
All right, let's go save this city
and get our terrible receptionist back.
We're not gonna find another one that pretty.
Who's the flying beefcake?
Hello.
Oh, dear brave men and women
of the protection services industry,
I would like to see you dance.
Get it Off.
I can't. It won't work anymore.
My baby moves at midnight
Goes right on till the dawn
I control all of you.
My woman keeps me warm
What you doin' on your back, aah?
Oh, this is fun.
You should be dancing, yeah
Aw, women. Always late.
Probably couldn't decide
which dirty jumpsuit to wear.
Let's give 'em a proper New York welcome,
shall we?
Boop.
Welcome to the glory days of New York City.
Have fun!
Never been good in a fight.
Well, good news.
Here's your chance to work on that.
Guys,
you all have your sidearms.
I suggest you use them.
Okay, power up.
Holtzy, get down! Get down!
Slap shot!
Gotcha.
This isn't very Puritan behavior!
D'oh. Nuts!
I'm getting the hang of this!
Oh, shoot.
I lost my glasses!
Wait, wait, I got 'em! They're in my hand!
A little help!
Oh, impressive.
Holtzy! I got you!
It's chipping time now, ghost.
And this is what you get for sitting on me!
Missed me!
Thanks, Patty.
Oh, not you guys again!
Say hello to my little...
What the hell?
Forgot about my new toys.
Let's go.
You just got Holtzmanned, baby!
You know what?
I'm glad I didn't know
any of you when you were alive,
'cause I don't enjoy any of you,
especially you.
Okay. All right, Abby, let's reel it in tighter.
- I don't like you either!
- We got to save our energy.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, my God, you killed a Pilgrim.
It appears I did.
This is weird.
It sure is.
Hey, why y'all like this?
Something's up, man.
Yeah, great work, fellas.
Your country thanks you.
Well, that thing's having the time of its life.
Let's go.
Oh, God.
It feels like the slime is after me, personally.
That's all I'm saying.
This might be a crazy hunch,
but I think he's got that machine
up and running again.
Come on.
Damn, I missed.
Oh, Kevin!
Oh. Is that what this thing's name is?
Thought it'd be something more Australian
like "Jack-0" or "Dave-0" or "Rob-O."
Oh, I see there's five of you now.
Huh?
Who are you?
Oh, I'm Frank.
I just came down to get some ice.
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
I think we should've gave him a heads up
about what was going on out there, y'all.
Well, it's been a very long day.
Why don't you take a seat?
Please, sit.
Don't mind if I do.
Whoop!
Ah!
Okay.
I do appreciate the joke. It's a classic.
Oh, for fun.
I know you're getting real comfy
in your Kevin skin suit,
but it's time you hop out.
We like him,
despite his many, many frustrating quirks.
- He just started figuring out the phones!
- Yeah.
Mmm... I don't know.
Is this a little too Peter Pan?
Anyway, I'll embrace it.
You know, to be honest with you,
this guy's making me feel
stupider by the second.
He's all yours.
- No!
- No, no, no!
Don't let Rowan get away!
I got his ass! Here I am.
Nobody hurts Kevin, man!
Nobody hurts Kevin!
Come out, come out wherever you are
Over here.
Those guns come with instructions?
Come on, Rowan! Come get your virginity
out of the lost-and-found!
- You shoot like girls.
-12 o'clock!
I think you broke it.
Look what you made me do!
It's ridiculous. Let's get Kevin.
I knew
he was dumb as a box of rocks.
I didn't know he's as heavy as one.
What's he made out of?
Pure muscle. Oh, and baby-soft skin.
Come on, Rowan, show yourself!
What form would you prefer I take?
Uh, maybe something stationary.
Like a bull's-eye.
Well, I'll tell you what I prefer.
I prefer something nice and cute,
like a friendly little ghost.
Oh. Is this what you want?
Something more familiar?
Mmm, Ice cream. Mmm.
Well, you know what,
I don't have no problem with that.
Thank you very much for being reasonable.
If this is what you want, it works for me.
Oh, God, he's really going for it.
Man, I said cute. Cute!
Oh, God.
No. No, no, no.
No.
Okay, this is not good.
Whoa!
Run! Run!
Come on!
Erin!
Okay. Homeboy is pretty much
not keeping up with what we agreed upon.
What part of "small and friendly"
did he not understand?
Oh!
What do we do now?
We gotta go back there. We've got to
shoot directly in the portal with more power.
If we can do that, we might be able
to cause a reverse reaction.
We gotta cross the streams.
Wait, wait, wait. You mean that thing
you were talking about that's so powerful
that will make all of our atoms implode?
No, implode is the wrong word.
It'll be more violent than that.
We gotta cross 'em up,
and we've got an extremely good shot
at pulling all the ionized ecto-matter
back into the dimension of its origin.
So, on the plus side, we save the world.
And on the negative side, we experience the
most painful death conceivable of all time.
Yeah. It's hard to shine that penny, but yeah.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Attagirl. Okay, let's go. Go, go, go.
Oh!
All right, fire 'em up.
Ahh!
The portal's too strong.
We still don't have enough power
to reverse it.
Yo, what about that nuclear thing
on top of the car?
If we can get those reactors
super-critical inside the vortex,
the beta radiation could 180 the polarity.
Causing a total protonic reversal.
It's gonna turn that portal
into a giant ghost trap.
You are a genius, Patty.
I'm a Ghostbuster.
All right, let's narrow his path.
Aim for the silver canisters.
It's working!
He's too strong.
We can't let the portal close
with him still here.
All right, ladies.
Let's loosen his grip.
Yo, that's where
you wanted us to shoot, right?
Yes.
Look out!
Abby!
The portal's closing!
- Abby, hang on! I'm coming!
- What is she doing?
Hang on, Abby!
Abby!
Erin.
I wasn't gonna leave you twice.
Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
- Oh!
- Hold on!
- Oh, my God.
- We got to get 'em out of there.
We got to get 'em out of there!
Shut up!
Yeah!
Hell yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
- Whoa.
- Yeah! Yeah!
- What's "whoa"?
- Yes.
- Oh!
- No!
Oh, my...
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my gosh! Uh...
What year is it?
- It's 2040.
- What?
- Our president is a plant.
- Oh, my God!
I'm kidding. You were gone two seconds.
- We did it, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you did it.
- Yep.
- We all did it.
- We all did it.
We all did it.
That's right.
- We all did it.
- Well, uh...
What did you do, Kevin?
I did a lot, actually.
I'll have you know that
I walked over to the power box,
pushed a bunch of buttons.
Everything got sucked into the portal,
then it closed up.
- Ah, Kev.
- That's...
Sweet, sweet Kev. The two are unrelated.
Uh, more important question.
When did you have time to get a sandwich?
Oh, when I was looking for you guys,
I looked in that deli over there.
Uh... When we were risking our lives,
trying to save New York City,
you stopped in to get a sandwich?
Quit splitting hairs, okay?
Potatoes, tomatoes. it doesn't matter.
Point is, the Ghostbusters...
Are back together again, okay?
And that's what friends are for.
- Just glad you okay, man.
- Kevin!
Yes. Hold my hand longer.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
I love the hair, by the way.
Makes you look a lot older.
- You know what?
- Hmm?
A little help, please?
Uh...
Really?
Can I have the beverage, please?
Don't.
Mmm.
And a muffin, thanks.
Oh, my God.
Are you a wizard?
In the aftermath of the events,
authorities are still trying to understand
what happened in Times Square
and throughout the city.
I saw Pilgrims. Ghost Pilgrims.
So you're honestly gonna stand here
and tell me that we didn't all see ghosts,
that what actually happened
was that terrorists drugged all of the water
with hallucinogens.
Yes. Yes.
Wait, what?
- Baba Booey!
- I... I...
...with the government trying to claim
the event wasn't supernatural,
despite so many eyewitness accounts
to the contrary.
The big question is,
was it the four women
who refer to themselves as Ghostbusters
who actually thwarted the attack?
We may never know.
Well, now I know how Batman feels.
You know what?
You don't have to keep fiddling with it.
I think it looks nice. Right?
I'd talk to you at an AA meeting.
It's my fault, anyway.
The box said the color was called Garfield.
- Ooh.
- Mmm.
It wasn't even the cat. It was the president.
Oh.
It was part of
the Dead Presidents Color Collection.
You stay away from Taft.
That's my mother's color.
I don't want to see that on anyone's head.
Mine was "Woman with a Secret."
And she was kind of going, "Shh."
And she appeared to be in a canoe.
You know what? I want to make a toast.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
Physics is the study of
the movement of, uh, bodies in space,
and it can unlock the mysteries
of the universe.
But it cannot answer the essential question
of what is our purpose here.
And, to me, the purpose of life is to love.
And to love is what you have shown me.
I didn't think that I would
ever really have a friend until I met Abby,
and then I feel like I have a family of my own.
And I love you. Thank you.
Thank you.
I mean, that was like a real thing right there.
- Yeah, that was...
- That was, like, so real.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Oh.
We want to thank you for your discretion.
It's not working at all, but thank you.
Actually, we'd like you to continue
to study this subject,
fully funded.
You know, we need to be better prepared,
just in case.
- Yeah. Yes, that's smart.
- Yes.
Whatever you need, going forward.
Anything at all.
Anything?
Anything.
Hell yeah!
Second floor is mine.
You can't claim a whole floor.
I just did.
You can't...
You can't do that, Holtzy!
Not bad, ghost girl.
Thank you, and I proudly take that title.
- Is that...
- Patty's uncle.
Um').!
Where is it?
What are you talking about?
I told you what happened.
Where's the car?
- It's on the other side.
- In Jersey?
- No, in the portal.
- Ah, huh...
You know what? We should probably
let them just work this out.
- Excuse me.
- Patty,
I got four funerals this weekend.
I can't do them with just one hearse.
Maybe you could do two at a time.
We're not stacking 'em like flapjacks!
II'
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
I know what you did.
What? Oh...
Bennie, don't get weird on me, okay?
What is...
Yeah!
I'm just looking for a reasonable ratio
of wontons to broth.
This is absolute madness.
Come on, girl.
You deserve every wonton in the world.
Don't let any man tell you otherwise.
- Okay, you can go.
- All right.
- We still good for brunch?
- Nope.
Just go.
II'
Ghostbusters. Please give
a detailed description of your apparition.
Mmm-hmm. Well, that sounds like
an illusional meta-physious, spectro-mian.
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
I'm talking like you guys.
- Way to go, Kev.
- Yeah.
Well, that sounds very scary.
It's probably 'cause you got a lot of
bad karma from your previous life. Mmm.
Oh, I hate coffee.
I'm just gonna disconnect his phone.
- He won't notice.
- No.
II'
How's it going over here?
Um, good. Really good.
I'm working on some kind of next-level stuff.
Case in point.
Whoa!
Wow.
What is this for?
It catches ghosts
and it transports them somewhere else.
I don't know where, uh,
but I have a feeling it's Michigan.
Sorry, Lansing.
II'
Hey, how's this containment unit?
Oh, you got that up and going?
Oh, that?
Oh, that's going real smooth.
Uh, I just would say don't be in a room with it
for more than an hour at a time,
because I'm thinking a lot of hair loss.
Oh, well, that might be something
we want to work on. Oh.
Uh, hi. Hello. Sorry, I didn't know
anyone else was here.
What a ding-a-ling. I forgot to introduce.
This is my mentor, Dr. Rebecca Gorin.
This is reckless, Jillian.
All someone has to do is sneeze too hard
and everyone in this building
is going to disintegrate.
It's completely unstable.
Do we need this safety light?
Safety lights are for dudes.
I hate doing that.
Hey, y'all need to come check this out.
Come up to the roof.
Is that for us?
I guess some people
actually do know what we did.
Well, that's not terrible.
No, it's not.
It's not terrible at all.
II'
Who you gonna call when you feel
all pent up inside your head?
Do you wanna know how the story goes
or make it up instead?
Now, you're complicated
Scares us to the bone
But no one says you're better off alone
I got the ghost
Get ghost
ls scaring you the most
I think the ghost
The ghost
ls scaring you the most
I got the ghost
That spirit you harbor in your bones
Likeness that you fear the most
But don't forget you're gonna
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
Like the rhythm, it makes you feel
just a little like lifting off the ground
Feeling a pull and the party's full
and you just got to get out
Oh, you're in no position
Call the other now
Funny how you're callin' on us now
I got the ghost
Get ghost
ls scarin' you the most
I think the ghost
The ghost
ls scarin' you the most
I got the ghost
Likeness that you fear the most
But don't forget you're gonna
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
When you start getting done
it's time to get ghost
Everybody 'round you start doin' the most
Everybody pullin' up with they hands out
Wasn't with me,
now they wanna be my friend now
Ay, wanna hold a couple bands now
Bet all the bad girls be callin' you now
Took 'em all they wanna see
while you in town
But I'm busy getting ghost,
I ain't never around
I get ghost with the big checks
Ghost Phantom
when I'm handling my business
Move out the way 'cause I'm driving crazy
All these girls, girls date me
Yeah!
But it really makes me feel good
Yeah, ghost, yeah
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
Get ghost
II'
I've been a-dancing in a devil's dirt
I'm a whole lot of trouble in a itty-bitty skirt
Well, the best kind of loving
is the one that hurts
You can get your kicks, but I'll get mine first
I can take you down
when the damned get wild
There's a whole lot of sinning
but they're greener for miles
Three hits on the six,
there's a number that you dial
You can be like me but I'm a real brat child
I do what the good girls don't
I do what the good girls should never ever,
never ever do
Hey, hey, hey
Since I'm gonna go to hell anyway
I'll go out with a bang, bang, bang
Crash and burn it all away
Hey, hey, hey
Since I'm gonna go to hell anyway
I'll go out with a bang, bang, bang
Crash and burn it all away
Well, I walked in the light
and I lived in the sun
Now I die for the night
'cause the days are done
I kissed a couple of angels
but it wasn't much fun
Now I shake, shake, shake it
with an evil tongue
I do what the good girls don't
I do what the good girls should never ever,
never ever do
Hey, hey, hey
Since I'm gonna go to hell anyway
I'll go out with a bang, bang, bang
Crash and burn it all away
Hey, hey, hey
Since I'm gonna go to hell anyway
I'll go out with a bang, bang, bang
Crash and burn it all away
I do what the good girls don't
I do what the good girls should never ever,
never ever do
Hey, hey, hey
Since I'm gonna go to hell anyway
I'll go out with a bang, bang, bang
Crash and burn it all away
Hey, hey, hey
Since I'm gonna go to hell anyway
I'll go out with a bang, bang, bang
Crash and burn it all away
I do what the good girls don't
I do what the good girls should never ever,
never ever do
Ghostbusters!
If there's something strange
In your neighborhood
Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters!
I ain't 'fraid of no ghost
I ain't 'fraid of no ghost
That's Ghostbusters, baby!
I call it the nutcracker.
Oh, 'cause it crushes the ghost.
No, it's for walnuts.
Smart.
Huh.
What is it? Did you get something?
Yeah. I heard something really weird.
What's "Zuul"?