1
Cooper!
Who paints a room pink?
Wait, wait...
Don't look at me like that.
You're the one that's gonna
have to shit that out later.
Oh.
Piece of cake.
Jesus Christ!
Doorbell needs fixing.
Bourbon?
What brings you
out to the suburbs?
Change of scenery.
Uh, my wife and I
got a baby on the way,
and this guy needed a yard.
Thought a little bit
of elbow room
would do everybody
some good.
Family's good.
Dirt's good.
Kids can't grow up right
without some mud on their jeans
and a frog
in their pocket.
What about you?
Do you live around here?
Since '84,
long enough to see
my fair share of things
come and go.
So you're a nun...?
Good Lord.
I remember Chicago being
more progressive than that.
No, we're Protestant.
I'm the pastor.
I apologize.
I should've known.
My wife and I
aren't very religious.
- I just didn't...
- Don't sweat it, slick.
We're more laidback
out here.
And my door
is always open,
if you care to learn more.
Hey, Bunny!
Hi, Tiger.
How was your first night?
Oh, great.
Look at this place.
Did you just wake up?
Hey, how's the
little kicker doing?
Say hi to Daddy.
Hey, little Pumpkin Head.
Oh my God,
you're not calling your daughter
"Pumpkin Head."
Please.
Oh, come on, babe.
You've seen the size
of your belly.
That's the only explanation.
So, what's on
the agenda today?
How's the schedule looking?
Oh, the schedule
feels great.
I will finish this room
as soon as I'm off
the phone with you
and I'll move on to the
kitchen in the afternoon.
So what, like painting,
sanding,
opening that giant
gaping hole?
Ugh, are you sure
you don't want me
to call in some pros,
Don?
This is a lot of work.
No, we're not
calling anybody.
I got this.
How could I sleep at night
knowing some other jerkwad
built your castle?
Well, you'd sleep because
the roof wouldn't leak.
What's that?
Oh, there's piles of junk
all over this place.
Please don't be paranoid.
I trust you.
Shit, I got to go.
I've got, um,
team's proposals at ten.
Anyway, I'll call you
tonight, okay?
Love you.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Bye.
"So once you get
your drywall size,
you want to
just check by hand
and see where does
the drywall give in?
Now, luckily, it's only
a small section..."
So lost in darkness
In and out of selfishness
Hoarding all my dreams
Was just no way to be
Then you gifted me
such a precious thing
A chance to be someone
who deserved love
When I heard
A single tear
- Close enough.
It showed me what
A single tear
Real strength could be
A single tear
As a single teardrop fell
What the hell?
Oh, piece of shit drill,
motherfucker!
Ow!
Oh, God!
How's it going,
Mr. Koch?
Change of pace, huh?
Something like that.
How's a guy like you
planning to survive out here?
I'll figure it out.
Can't imagine there's
much of a nightlife.
No fancy supper clubs.
No strippers
to woo clients with.
Uh, there's plenty
of strippers.
I just don't have any
clients left to woo.
True.
Which begs the question,
how exactly can you
afford this place?
Good old Liz.
Yeah. I like her.
Smart woman.
How's she accepting
this change?
She will keep her
company running
and she'll commute
once the baby's born.
You know, it's not like
our life's over.
It's just...
...it's maturing.
It'd better be, Don.
Feds cut you one hell
of a sweetheart deal,
all things considered.
Be a shame if you
fucked it all up again.
That it?
Yeah.
That's the last of it.
That's a beautiful church.
Oh, shit!
You gonna be okay?
Don't shit in the house.
Goddamn machine
likes to eat balls.
You hungry or thirsty?
Both.
Cocktails I have
some control over.
Food can be hit or miss.
Well let's start
with a drink, then.
Smart man.
It's not bad.
I'll quote you
in the next ad.
So, uh,
are you visiting or lost?
Resident.
I, uh, just bought the house
on Saul and Circle.
What?
You queer?
Excuse me?
It's a simple question.
Yeah, I'm about
to have a kid.
What kind of
a question is that?
Easy, Don.
Gay people
can have kids, too.
Nothing wrong with that.
I know that.
I...
I'm happily married.
Of course, you are.
I'm sorry.
That house just seems to be
bad news for straight men.
Uh, but, uh,
I'm sure you'll be fine.
How about a shot?
You've got a real fucked up
way of welcoming people
to the neighborhood,
Geary.
Cooper!
Cooper!
Cooper?
Shit!
You really suck,
you know that?
You know,
Cleo and Jason
brought up the Hyde Park
Project again.
So frustrating
to keep having
to telling them no.
You know what I also hate?
Having to pee all the time.
God, if these things
get any more swollen
I won't be able to
stand up straight.
So, how is it going
over there?
Great.
I got a ton done today.
I'm feeling positive
about it.
That's wonderful, babe.
How's the kitchen
shaping up?
Well, I actually
didn't make it
into the kitchen today,
but it is the first thing
on tomorrow's list.
Are you sure you
don't need some
extra hands, babe?
I'm sure, Bunny.
Everything's going fine.
Don't forget Milo's
coming up this weekend.
But if you wanna help,
you can do me a favor
right now.
What's that?
Just tilt that
phone down to those
beautiful boobs
one more time.
That's all you get
until I see a finished kitchen.
All right.
Good night.
Mwah!
Hi, Daddy.
I've been such a naughty,
naughty girl.
You always know
exactly how to treat me.
Oh, I'll do whatever
you say, Daddy.
Are you gonna punish me?
Hi, Daddy.
I've been such a naughty,
naughty girl.
Hey, hey, out!
That looks terrific.
Old pipes.
They don't look so old.
Can I help you
with something?
I just like it here.
- What?
- The house.
It's usually empty.
Oh, well, I bought it.
So it's not empty anymore.
Hmm, shame.
Uh, I'd better get
back inside.
Sure.
No problem.
See you around.
Distill
Distill
Break them all down
Distill
Distill
Tear them all apart
Distill
Fuck!
Oh, Christ.
Still smoke, Dad?
And in here,
we will change this wallpaper
to something
a lot less hideous.
Who's "we?"
My wife and I.
Are you sure?
It's very retro.
You might end up
regretting it.
Uh, well, I'll let you know
if we lose any sleep over it.
A man who never
second-guesses himself, huh?
What's this?
Now, this...
This is retro.
A tiny closet?
Please tell me you guys
are keeping this.
Entire reason
I bought the house.
You have great taste.
What's in here?
- White?
- Oh, you got me.
The wife picked it out.
I think it was called
"French Vanilla"
or something like that.
It's supposed to be
next year's trendy color.
Hmm.
Anything else
you wanna show me?
Can you do me a favor?
What's that?
Choke me.
Hmm.
This dress looked
better on the floor.
That was even better
than I hoped for.
Oh, don't look
at me like that.
I earned that.
That is insane!
I know.
Well, check this out.
What the hell is that?
I don't know.
Bleachers?
Hey, maybe they heard about
how hot our sex life is
and had them installed,
huh?
Oh, my God.
I just don't understand
how you missed this
during the appraisal.
You were here too,
and these weren't.
I'm gonna call
the real estate agent.
Why?
What is she going to do?
They're here.
Because I want them gone.
The ceiling repair is gonna
cost time and money
- and we should be compensated.
- Bunny...
Bunny, relax, okay?
This is an easy fix.
It's probably just
a shoddy patch, all right?
No structural damage.
Me and Milo can tackle this,
no problem.
Trust me, okay?
I trust you, babe.
I just don't want you
to bite off
more than you can chew.
Eh, I should have got
a dumpster.
What you doing?
You know me,
I'm just working hard,
cranking away.
Sounds fun.
Want some help?
Nah.
Doing a bunch of
heavy lifting in here.
I got this.
Okay.
Look, last night
was super-hot,
but we shouldn't.
You know, I got to get
this place tip-top
before the wife
and baby get here,
and there's still, like,
a laundry list
of things to do.
True, but that's later.
What about right now?
I can't.
I'm sure you understand.
Sure.
I understand.
Hey, Tiger.
- Jesus...
- Shh.
What the fuck?
It's Saturday, idiot.
Nice doorbell.
Well, that's certainly creepy.
You don't know
the half of it.
Did you freaks pay extra
for that feature or...
Shut up, dick.
We didn't know
this was there.
Well, I don't know, man.
Turn the attic
into a guest room.
Airbnb it,
charge a fortune to watch.
This is gone
by the weekend
or there's not gonna be
a wife left to watch.
Well, for the sake
of your kid,
we better get to work.
Where are your tools?
Right there.
That's it?
You plan on renovating
an entire house
with a Swiss army knife?
What?
Is that not enough?
No.
Lift.
- You good?
- Yeah.
All right.
Here we go.
How's the firm anyway?
Shit.
New regulations
got us by the balls.
You got out
at the right time.
Maybe not gracefully,
but, you know?
You still making money,
at least?
Not as much.
Have to work
twice as hard for it.
Need to find a Liz
for myself.
It's a bad idea if you, uh,
are afraid of hard work.
Motherfucker, you don't
see me holding the other side
of this heavy-ass drywall
above my head?
Free of charge,
I might add?
Hey, listen, all the money
I've made you,
couple hours of gratis
isn't too much to ask.
Well, you do have
a pretty nice house.
What's next?
Applebee's?
Is that the wife?
You mean this modest
motherfucker didn't tell you?
He basically ran Chicago.
King Don, we called him.
I had a good run.
Whoa.
You traded a penthouse
for a whorehouse?
That might officially make
you the craziest man in town.
Wait, what?
Oh, he didn't tell you?
King Don is the proud owner
of Portsmith's former
house of ill repute.
That was over
a hundred years ago.
Well, might explain
some things, though.
Speaking of pleasure,
a little light on options
in here, isn't it?
You move to the suburbs
to start a family,
or because everyone thinks
you're an asshole.
Right.
Because you're an asshole.
Certainly there's a college
around here, right?
Like, I saw one or two cute
girls walking around earlier.
No college.
But, uh, Gwen Martin
will be in later.
Oh?
Who's Gwen Martin?
She runs an erotic
pottery class.
She's a feminist, though.
That's great.
I'm a feminist.
Me too, son.
Promise me you won't
say a word to Liz
about last night.
I swore to her
I wouldn't drink.
Bro code, bro!
Good man.
My head's killing me.
I need coffee.
You want some?
Your assistant
already brewed a pot.
Morning, Don.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I stopped by.
Milo let me in.
What's wrong?
"What's wrong?"
Are you kidding me?
All right.
Let's get something straight.
This is my life...
Sarah.
My name is Sarah.
Great, Sarah.
Look, I'm not
fucking around right now.
It was a fun night,
don't get me wrong,
but I don't ever wanna see you
here in my house ever again.
You understand me?
Sure, man.
Don't make it weird.
All good in here?
What the fuck was that?
Nothing. Nothing.
Don't worry about it.
Come on,
don't bullshit me, Don.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything,
okay?
You're overreacting.
You're standing there
threatening a woman
and I'm overreacting?
All right.
Look, between you and me,
I fucked up, all right?
I didn't go looking for it.
I didn't ask for it,
I didn't even really want it.
It just happened,
she came back.
I explained to her
it was a mistake.
It's not gonna be a problem.
Can we just go to the
hardware store for...
How many times
are you gonna fuck up
until you get a clue?
Liz is pregnant.
That's your blood.
And you're out here trying
to recapture your glory days
while she's busting ass
to keep a roof over your head?
She's my friend, dude.
What... How am I supposed
to look her in the eye now?
Liz doesn't need
to find out, okay?
Everything's gonna be fine.
When are you gonna start
thinking about someone
other than yourself?
Oh, fuck,
it is what it is, Milo, okay?
If you can't handle it,
don't be here
when I come back!
Cooper!
Of course not.
You like my trick?
Sarah, are you crazy?
I almost fucked you up.
I'm just playing.
Look, I'm sorry
Don's such an asshole
but you need
to get out of here.
Well, that's no fun.
You wanna help me
or what?
Milo?
All right, dick,
you can come out now.
Oh, it's been a killer
weekend, Bun.
We got a ton done.
Did Milo have fun
or did you just
work him to death?
He wanted to work
the whole time.
Check this out.
Wow.
I'm seriously impressed,
Tiger.
I told you not to worry.
Wait, what was that?
What?
I just saw
something behind you.
What are you
talking about?
Don, don't mess with me,
is Milo still there?
No.
He had to head
back to work.
Are you sure?
I don't know.
I thought I saw someone.
Now I'm getting freaked out.
Well, you're not
the one who has to
sleep here tonight,
Bunny.
Check all this out.
Wow, it looks great,
babe.
Babe, if somebody else
was in here,
Cooper would be
all crazy right now.
Good point.
You want I should
sleep with a hammer
under my pillow tonight,
just in case?
You probably better.
I don't want to have to kill
someone when I get there.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm just getting tired, babe.
Well, rest up,
okay, babe?
I'll call you tomorrow.
What the fuck?
Ah!
How's it going, Don?
You wanna talk about it?
Nothing to talk about.
Let's start with the house.
How is she coming along?
Just fine.
Fine, huh?
You know, when a woman
gets to be a certain age,
she doesn't like to be
futzed with too much.
Houses aren't that different,
I guess.
It's...
It's been hard.
I bet.
This house is a bitch.
What's that mean?
Well, just that certain
places have personalities,
and sometimes they're rotten.
It takes a real strong hand
to turn them around again.
I'm trying.
"Blessed is the man
who remains
steadfast under trial."
Hi, handsome.
Coop?
Cooper?
- Sarah?
- Sarah, yeah.
No last name?
I imagine she has one
but I didn't check her ID,
okay?
She lives
in the neighborhood,
she won't stop
fucking with me!
Look.
And?
And?!
You see the dog, right?
You think he jumped
into the goddamn dryer
by himself?
Did he turn it on, too?
Come on, man.
It was her.
Milo!
Call me back.
Look, I'll put the name
and the description
in my report.
But there's no signs
of forced entry,
no evidence of a struggle,
and you were sleeping
upstairs the whole time
and didn't hear a thing.
Oh, great.
Well, thank you
for your service.
Is this your idea
of law enforcement?
You just poke your head
and you shrug your shoulders
like a dipshit.
You didn't do anything.
Please let us know
if anything else comes up...
King Don.
I hate what you've done
with the place.
I'm sorry.
For what?
I'm sorry for not being
honest from the start.
I'm sorry for
treating you unfairly.
I'm sorry for making
you feel unimportant.
And most of all,
I'm sorry for threatening you.
Wow.
Did you rehearse that?
I deserved that,
but no.
I mean it, I'm sorry.
I understand why
you feel so angry.
Well, it's not
a very nice way
to treat someone, Don.
I hope you treat your wife
and kid better than this.
I love my wife.
And I wish I was stronger.
To make all this up to you,
I got you something.
A gift from a married man.
Sounds a lot like a bribe.
If you're interested,
it's in the kitchen.
I appreciate the apology,
Don.
I don't want things
to get any uglier.
Hey, Bunny.
Hey, Tiger?
What you doin'?
Oh.
Just working.
So, I got a text
from Milo.
Oh, yeah?
It was kind of weird.
He said we needed to talk.
Any idea why?
No,
I have no clue, babe.
Don,
just be honest with me.
Look, is the renovation
in trouble?
Is that what it is?
Did he see some things
that he thinks
I should know about?
No!
Tiger, calm down.
Everything is fine, Liz!
All right?
You're gonna throw this
in my face now?!
I have no idea why
Milo called you,
but please, by all means,
call him, find out.
I'm busy.
I... I wanna get back to work.
Shit!
Sarah!
What the fuck!
Oh God!
"You've reached the voicemail
of Officer Henry Baker
of the Portsmith
Police Department.
Please state your name,
number, and detailed message
at the sound of the tone.
Please stop!
Why?
Why are you
doing this to me?
Stay away from me!
Hello?
Tiger?
Cooper,
come here, boy.
Hello?
Cooper, come here.
Absolutely not.
Oh, Jesus, Don,
no dropcloth?
Oh, Jesus, Don,
what did you spill here?
What are you doing, Don?
Oh my God.
Come on, Donald.
What are you up to?
Jesus!
I'm so, so, so sorry.
Uh, I'm sorry,
can I help you?
I didn't mean
to frighten you.
My name is Sarah.
I've been helping Don.
Uh, hel... helping Don?
I'm sorry, what does,
what does that mean exactly?
You know, getting the house
ready for you.
Because you're a carpenter?
No, ma'am.
More like a gofer.
"Drywall screws, boss?
Sure thing!"
I'm an architecture nut.
Don couldn't say no.
No. That definitely
isn't his strong suit.
How long?
I'm sorry?
Your baby?
How long till she's due?
Uh, twelve weeks.
If she's anything like me,
she'll be on time.
If she's like her father,
much later.
May I?
Oh, I don't think so.
Someone's here.
Missus Koch?
Yes?
I'm Ellie Mueller.
Can we talk?
Let me guess,
you're the plumber?
Uh, no, darling,
I work across the street.
But I do deal with
a lot of people's shit.
That's right,
Don did mention you, sorry.
Would, would you
like to come in?
Why don't we chat
outside instead?
Okay. Sure, just, uh,
give me a sec, okay?
Hey, sorry to be rude
but, um...
Hello?
So how's Don doing?
He looks tired,
but he's a workhorse.
Where... where is he now?
I'm not really sure.
He must have just
taken the dog for a run.
I, I should have called first,
but I wanted to surprise him.
Would you say
it's a good marriage?
I'm sorry?
Ah.
This house has a history
of bringing out
the worst in people.
I just wanted make sure
you two are prepared for that.
Right.
Well, it, it clearly
needs a lot of work,
but it's...
it's not that bad.
I'm sure we'll manage.
You never really know
until you start
tearing a place up,
though.
Uh-hmm.
Well, thank you for your
concern, really, uh,
but Don and I have been
through much worse,
so we'll be fine.
I am not creeped out
by this house one bit.
I am in complete control
of my emotions.
Just like Beyonce.
Oh, Christ.
Fuck this.
Hi.
I'm worried.
My husband is a fuck-up.
Well, you're not the first
woman to say that
about her husband.
No.
I don't mean he, uh,
leaves the toilet seat up.
He, um...
he defrauded his clients
out of their
retirement funds.
He barely avoided fifteen years
in a federal prison.
He cheated on me
while I was trying
to get pregnant,
and then he insists
that buying this house
was our second chance,
so, yeah.
So why'd you stay?
The alternatives
seemed worse.
Life is a series
of choices.
Cause and effect.
Sounds like Don hasn't
learned that dynamic yet.
I'm just scared.
Oh, I'm scared
he's drinking again.
He's probably drunk
right now.
I think this house just
pushed him right over the edge.
This house has a habit
of testing men.
I've met families
who have lived there
happily for years
and others
who never make it a home.
The difference seems to
come down to the character
and determination
of the people moving in.
Well, we're screwed, then.
So what's the plan?
I don't know.
Wait for him to come home,
sober up.
And then have a long,
honest talk about our future.
You're a brave woman, Liz.
You want my advice?
Get your husband
and your baby
far away from that house.
Uh, excuse me?
Don?
Don?
Jesus.
Welcome home.
What the fuck
is going on here?
A party.
Where is my husband?
Upstairs, I think.
Cocktail?
Fuck off.
Don?
Don!
Don!
Joining?
No.
Don?
The show's already started.
Go upstairs.
Don?!
Don!
Oh.
Stop!
Stop!
Is the show over already?
That's my girl.
The male performers
wore costumes
because the owner
felt the mix of erotic
and grotesque heightened
the experience.
He was right.
We were popular,
and the money flowed in.
Some nights,
we'd work until dawn.
It was too busy
to keep an eye on everyone.
Even the innocent ones.
Even the not-so-innocent.
He played with her for months
and then killed her,
dumping her body
at the train tracks,
and the world moved on.
Well, some of the world did.
When he killed me,
my body never left the house.
I was a star,
loved by the men who
came through our doors,
but not one of them
questioned my disappearance.
All men really love
is the power you give them.
Don.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I couldn't get them all.
Don, baby?
What happened to you?
What happened?
Hey, look, look.
I don't know what the fuck
is going on in this house,
but we got to get
out of here right now.
It's not that easy.
What does that mean?
Bunny, I fucked up again.
What does that mean,
Don?
I just...
I felt so small.
I just wanted to be
the man one more time.
You understand that
don't you, Bunny?
No!
I don't!
Bunny!
I promise I can change.
I promise it'll be different.
Bunny, look at me.
Bunny, you just have to say
that you understand
and that it's okay.
Please.
It's not okay!
I can change, Liz!
I'm proud of you, Liz!
Thought you weren't gonna
make it there at the end.
Hey, Liz.
Liz!
Nope!
You did good.
I'd offer you some,
but it isn't the
seventies anymore.
You knew?
Yeah,
I watch this house
and it watches mine.
Why the fuck
didn't you warn us?
Life is a series
of choices, Liz.
You can't talk someone
into doing the right thing
or the wrong thing.
I couldn't keep someone
out of this house
any more than
those girls inside
could keep someone
out of mine.
Need to lay the options out
and see what they choose.
A test.
Exactly.
Well, it seems like
a pretty shitty game.
It is, kiddo.
But I didn't make the rules.
Hello, my little angel.
You don't wanna
sleep at all, do you?
After your nap,
we're gonna go to the park.
Would you like that, huh?
I love you so much.
That's my girl.
Ought to know
what a liar I am
Ought to know me by now
Don't curse me
for my nature
Don't bless me
for my wrongs
Just a bad penny
I always come back to you
Just a bad penny
Just a bad penny
I always come back to you
Should have known
you couldn't trust me
As far as you could throw me
Couldn't throw me too far
Just a bad penny
Couldn't throw me too far
I think I fucked
your girlfriend once
Maybe twice,
I don't remember
Then I fucked all your
friend's girlfriends
Now they hate you
Just a bad penny
Just a bad penny
Such a bad penny
A bad bad penny
Ought to know
what a liar I am
Ought to know me by know
Such a bad penny
A bad bad penny
Ought to know
what a liar I am
Ought to know me by now