Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
(exciting beat music)
- Careful.
- Ryan.
I don't think I know how to French kiss
and I need you to teach me.
- Okay.
Teach you how?
- Well, demonstrate.
Kiss me and show me how it's done.
- Okay.
Wait, shouldn't you be doing
this with your girlfriend?
- Oh, Evan?
She's too polite to tell me
that my kissing skills could improve
but I know she wants me to be better.
- Yeah.
- Did she say something to you?
- What?
No.
No.
She said nothing to be about
you being a bad kisser.
- She said I was a bad kisser?
- She didn't but
okay, let's practice.
Kiss me like you kiss her.
(muffled beat music)
- How was I?
- Great.
- I am a bad kisser.
- Maybe you should open
your mouth a little.
Relax your lips.
You wanna go from here to here.
- Okay.
- Okay, it's like you're pecking
Like, "mwuah, mwuah," little kisses.
Which is super sweet if
that's what you're into.
- But that's no good.
- It's sort of like an extended version
of kissing your sister.
- Ew.
- Yeah, it's not hot.
Listen,
open your mouth, relax your lips,
follow my lead.
(somber beat music)
- Wow, that was amazing, is
that how it's supposed to be?
- Yes.
You probably should've figured that out
when you were like 13.
- I wasn't kissing a lot
of girls when I was 13.
- That's what boys are for.
Lifting heavy boxes and
practicing making out.
- Oh, you're a wizard, I
can't wait to show Evan.
Or is that too much?
- Definitely try it on Evan.
She'll love it.
So, this has been super
fun and not at all boring
but I'm gonna go mingle.
Why don't you go find Evan
and show her all this fun
stuff I just taught you.
- Are you kidding?
I have so many questions.
- Oh, look, my drink is almost gone.
Why don't you get me another one
and I'll go talk to people who aren't you.
- Ryan,
you're the best friend a girl could have.
- Thanks.
I know.
(exciting beat music)
- Why are we hiding away from the world?
- Because I have the good shit.
Out there, they have snickelfritz,
and this, this is 27 year old
small batch Kentucky bourbon.
And I don't like to share.
Ever.
- You're sharing with me.
- That's because I'm one
generous motherfucker.
I'm a god unto my people.
- This is older than I am.
How expensive is this?
- Very.
Costs more than your dignity.
- Well that's not saying much.
- Skol.
- Of course it is, it's got ice in it.
- Hey, lezlords.
Hate to break up the gay-gay meeting
but your girlfriend is out
there making out with Ryan.
- Really?
- I think she's giving her
kissing lessons out of pity.
- Good, let's hope it works.
- It's really sad though.
You might wanna get out there and stop her
before she embarrasses herself anymore.
- Okay.
Listen, my dad gave this
to me when I quit smoking.
Very expensive.
Guard it with your life.
- Evan, you never quit smoking.
- He doesn't know that.
- You're beautiful.
Never change.
- Hey, you wanna get fucked up?
- Yeah.
- [Trista] Cool.
Have fun.
(thudding)
(upbeat music)
Make your feelings lie like a feather
Don't let it harden
in this cold weather
We can be better friends
I'm falling
It's not our end
You will see when we leave
Together
(muffled beat music)
- Hi.
- Excuse me.
(gasping)
(laughing)
Excuse me, miss.
I'd be careful walking around
with two premium beverages
when this party's down to
six-pack of wine coolers
and a bottle of Maneschewitz.
- We could attract some
unsavory characters.
- Whose premium cocktail am I drinking?
Let me guess.
The spoiled little rich girl
whose external locus of identity
needs constant validation?
- [Bridget] Validation is
for parking, not people.
- Maybe the nurse practitioner
and soon-to-be divorcee
who readily expounds upon the
virtues of anarcho-capitalism.
- I once dabbled in anarchism myself.
Bear in mind I was 15
and obsessed with Crass.
Say what you will about the
convenience of its tenets,
but at least it's an ethos.
- Perhaps you'd go for
the very emo Jewish girl
in the back room who's in
dire need of companionship.
- At least now we know who
brought the Manischewitz.
What type are you?
- I hate to break it to you, miss,
but I am completely unavailable.
- How unfortunate.
Who is the lucky lady?
Forgive me,
I assume it's a women of
whom you are speaking.
- No apology necessary.
And yes it is a beautiful,
brilliant, remarkable woman.
- Tell me more.
- Blonde hair, blue eyes,
about yeah high.
She's a medieval scholar
specializing in Dark Ages weaponry.
- She does sound remarkable
and also very familiar.
- Maybe you know her.
Her name is Bridget.
- That's my name.
- She's supposed to be here tonight
but I can't seem to find her.
- Oh, this could be dangerous.
She might see me flirting with you.
- Then what?
- Well, I'm sure she wouldn't
want me taking what's hers.
I suppose I should seize
the opportunity now
and kiss you while I can.
- I wouldn't want to
put you in harm's way.
- I think you're worth the risk.
(muffled upbeat music)
- Yes, yes.
A future far away
I'm traveling to the unknown
To make sure you will see another day
(exciting beat music)
I would wait a thousand years for you
I would pave new frontiers for you
I would trade a thousand years for you
A thousand years, a thousand years
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Through complication
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Through the unknown
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
With determination
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
I'll make sure you never be alone
I would wait a thousand years for you
I would brave new frontiers for you
I would trade a thousand years for you
A thousand years, a thousand years
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
I would wait a thousand years
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
I would brave a thousand years
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
(glass shattering)
(moaning)
(whimpering)
- Evan?
Evan.
- What?
- I think there's someone in the kitchen.
I think there's someone in the kitchen.
- Huh?
- Get my ax.
Help me get my ax.
(groaning)
(screaming)
Ryan!
- Oh my God.
I didn't mean to wake you guys up.
- How is she in here?
- I gave her a key and a code
to the alarm system, sorry.
- [Ryan] Bridget, you look hot.
Is that La Perla?
- No, I'd rather have Victoria Secret
and an extra five hundred
bucks in my pocket.
- To what do we owe the
honor of your home invasion?
- Guys, this is intense.
I've been poisoned.
- [Bridget] What?
- Yeah, someone tried to dose me.
- [Bridget] Who?
- I don't know but my
drink tasted really funny
and I felt really weird,
so I left and came here.
- Do we need to take you to the hospital?
- No.
I only had one sip.
I just feel way drunker than I should.
- Okay, well what did you do
with the rest of the drink?
- I gave it to Dov and told
her to take care of it.
- Ryan, this is very important.
Now what exactly did you say to Dov?
- I told her to take care of it.
Oh no.
- We're leaving, now!
(beat music)
- [Bridget] What's happening?
- She's fucked up.
Who knows?
Rope, G, K.
- [Dov] L-M-N-O-P.
- Oh my God, it's all my fault.
(laughing)
- [Trista] I knew you
idiots had a hand in this.
- I didn't know.
Someone roofied me and I gave it to Dov
and I guess I didn't make it clear.
- Trista, you're a nurse,
what's the prognosis?
- [Trista] It depends on how much she had.
- Just one drink.
- Shouldn't we call the police?
I mean, we need to
figure out who did this.
- [Trista] The police
don't give a shit about us.
- Is that true?
- [Evan] Will she be
needing medical attention?
- Just keep an eye on her.
- [Dov] You know, I can hear
everything you're saying.
- How is she still conscience?
- She must've not had enough to pass out.
- I have a strong constitution.
I've built up a really high tolerance
to controlled substances.
- Get those people out of here.
- [Ryan] Party's over!
- [Trista] Everybody get out!
- [Woman] What?
- [Ryan] Get out!
- [Woman] Why?
(party members groaning)
- [Ryan] Out, come on, get out!
Out!
Everybody get out!
We have to, now!
- No, no, it's too much.
- [Ryan] Out, out, now, come on!
Come on!
(laughing)
- I don't know if I'm laughing
so much because I'm so high
or because I'm dying.
- You're not dying.
- We're all dying.
- She's being fatalistic,
that's a good sign.
- That's it.
Don't worry, girl.
I got you.
- Evan?
There's something really major
I wanna tell you right now.
(gagging)
- Did you know they had
bras in the 14th Century?
- Does that mean they
also had a second base?
(giggling)
I have some news.
My father,
my father is running for Senate.
- State or?
- US Senate.
And he wants me to be campaign chair.
- Governor wasn't enough?
- For my father, nothing is ever enough.
- Must run in the family.
You have to do it.
- I will.
There's one catch.
He can't win as a Democrat again.
This time he has to run as--
- A Libertarian?
- As a Republican.
- You can't support a
Republican candidate.
- I can if he's my dad.
He'll be Republican in name only.
He's a huge supporter of gay rights
and everyone knows his daughter's a homo.
- A major one.
What about women's rights
and abortion rights?
And immigrants' rights?
- I'm not an immigrant.
- Your grandparents were.
- Someone's gonna chair his campaign,
it might as well be me.
- I just don't want you to do something
you're later going to regret.
- Regret it my favorite pastime.
Every day I can pass along to him
your Marxist feminist dialectic.
- Oh, I love it when you talk nerdy to me.
(chuckling)
(moaning)
- Marry me.
- I have other plans for today.
(laughing)
(moaning)
Oh, you taste so sweet.
- You taste better than being thin feels.
(giggling)
Is there another intruder in the house?
- The very same one.
I let Ryan in after
you crashed last night.
She didn't want to sleep
alone in her new apartment.
- We're not running a
social services agency.
- I don't know about you guys
but I am ready for some vodka.
Morning.
(exciting beat music)
So I get some phone call
from England, collect,
and it's some nurse from some hospital
informing me that my
father is on his deathbed.
- Oh, Ryan, I'm so sorry.
- I'm not.
The old bastard has
been alive long enough.
I'm ready for him to kick the bucket
so I can collect my inheritance.
- I thought you guys
got along pretty well.
- We had a fabulous arrangement.
He pays me five grand a month
and his embarrassment
of a homosexual daughter
stays on a different
continent and out of his life.
- Oh, I didn't know it was that bad.
- It could be worse.
When I graduated, his initial
offer was three thousand.
- Hey, babe.
Have a nice day, ladies.
- Where's my kiss?
(laughing)
Hey, is Evan going to work?
But it's Saturday.
Wait, sorry, since when
has Evan had a job?
- Since her dad's running for Senate.
And now,
she's a Republican.
- Oh my God.
She's a sellout.
What happened to our
dead-dog-dyke-Democrat?
- She's rolling over and
playing conservative.
And she keeps pushing me to marry her.
- I know.
She won't stop taking about it.
Don't you want to?
- Yeah.
Just
not now.
- You're gonna need some of this.
- Glad to see last night
didn't put you off your game.
- What do you mean?
- You got roofied.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
Well,
so here's to getting married, then.
And selling out.
- Aren't those the same thing?
- [Dov] Why does the universe go through
all bother of existing at all?
- Having a bout of
existential despair, I see.
- What's the purpose of life?
- That's a yes.
- Well,
most losers, present company included,
would say it's
love.
- Wrong.
Love is a capitalist
scheme that is pre-packaged
and peddled to the masses.
It's the perfect racket.
It's selling dreams for cash.
- I thought you'd be happy
once Evan got you that
job at the newspaper.
- Typing up engagement
announcements isn't writing.
Although,
I would recommend it to our
government as a form of torture.
- You are so emo.
You just need to get laid.
- Love is an illusion.
- So what is it then?
- What's what?
- [Trista] Your original question.
The purpose of life.
- I don't know.
- I do.
It's to have as much fun as we can
before we're all sent to burn in Hell.
(muffled beat music)
(knocking)
Up for some divorce proceedings?
- Nice to see you too.
- Good to be back.
I like what you've done with the place.
I guess.
(upbeat music)
And here I thought this wasn't
gonna be an amicable divorce.
(upbeat music)
(thunder rumbling)
(knocking)
- Come in, come in.
I don't think you've seen this
place since I've moved here.
- Business must be booming
in the tattoo industry.
- This world is full of un-inked flesh.
I'm going to change real fast.
Make us a drink.
Or one for each of us.
You know what I'm saying.
- Ryan!
How are you affording all this?
- [Ryan] Oh, you now,
things are going really well at the shop
and my dad helps me financially.
- Bridget was telling me about that.
She's worried about you.
- [Ryan] Why?
I'm doing fabulously.
- Would you like to mix
that with something?
- I like it straight.
Pretty much the only
thing I like straight.
Have a seat.
(chuckling)
- Tell me why I suddenly feel
like I need to have a cigarette.
- I'm about to drop a truth bomb.
- In your own home?
That's an act of domestic terrorism.
Bombs away.
- Dov, you have a major problem.
- Why do I feel like
I'm at an intervention?
- Because I'm interventioning you.
- Okay.
What's my drug of choice?
- I want you to know that I understand you
better than you realize.
I think about you all the time,
about what your life must be like
and I know what your problem is.
- This should be spectacular.
- You're madly in love with Evan.
(coughing)
- Evan?
- Yes.
You're in love with her.
- I'm sorry, did someone just
turn on the batshit signal?
- It's like I've said.
I've given a lot of thought
to your life situation
and I've had some major insights.
- Enlighten me.
- You need a girl who's
gonna treat you like a lady.
- As apposed to--
- As apposed to most
girls who take one look
at your bad girl persona
and immediately turn into
pillow princesses and starfish.
- Starfish?
- They take their arms and their legs
and they make you do all the work.
You need someone who
will open doors for you.
Put her hand on the small of your back,
grab you by the back of
your head and kiss you.
All the things a girl needs
to make her feel like a woman.
And you know that Evan
can do that for you.
- Sounds like you're the
one that's in love with her.
- Please, me?
If I wanted Evan, I'd
have had her already.
Look, I get it, Evan is
our fearless leader but
she's also in a serious
longest of terms relationship
with my best friend.
- Ryan, there are delusional states
and there's full on psychosis.
- Prove it.
Kiss me.
- No, I'm not Bridget.
- You heard about that?
Kissing lessons out of pity?
- It got around.
A concept I'm sure you're familiar with.
- Come on.
Everyone wants to kiss me.
Unless they're in love with Evan.
- Once again, you've taken this too far.
- Let's take it farther.
This is the kind of
initiative you need to show
when you're pursuing women.
(yelping)
Oh my God, if you weren't you,
I'd be totally turned on right now.
- Please, cancel my
subscription to your issues.
- You're not leaving, are you?
- Well, I appreciate your
attempted analysis of my psyche.
Your conclusion couldn't
be further from reality.
- I know you're not telling the truth.
You can lie to me and you
can lie to the whole world
but the one person you
can't lie to is yourself.
- On the contrary, I
exile in that department.
And, on that note, I bid you adieu.
- Apparently Cleopatra wasn't
the only queen of denial.
(upbeat music)
- I miss this.
- Yeah, don't get any ideas.
- Huh?
- This is a one time thing.
A one night stand.
- How do you have a one
night stand with your wife?
- Until this divorce is final,
we are married in name only.
Wait,
you didn't think we were
getting back together, did you?
- Gee, Paige, when you attacked
me when I walked in the door
and we made mad, passionate love.
Yes, I thought maybe our
relationship status was changing.
- So immature.
This is exactly why I'm divorcing you.
- What the fuck?
- Grow up.
You know better.
- No, Paige, tell me.
- Why am I divorcing you?
Maybe it's because you're
never awake before noon.
Or the constant partying.
Or maybe it's the white stuff
you're constantly shoving up your nose.
- I'm a nurse.
I have to stay alert.
I keep kids alive.
- Don't hide behind
the pillar of altruism.
- You just stand there and criticize me.
Easy for you,
you've never experienced
that kind of pressure.
Yeah, I like nose candy.
- I should've been a bigger priority.
- Than the kids dying
in the pediatric ward?
- Yeah, like when I
asked you to quit blow.
You should have for us.
- For you.
Fuck, Paige, you are so selfish.
Why am I still in love with you?
- Don't ask me because I'm
certainly not in love with you.
- This is heavier than
I thought it would be.
(laughing)
- Oh yeah.
They didn't have refined steal yet, duh.
(giggling)
By the late 12th Century,
so the swords in western
Europe had evolved
into cruciform weapons with
circular wheel pommels, usually,
and normally with a fuller or bloodgroove
running down the center.
- I feel like Wonder Woman.
(laughing)
- Coffee's ready.
- Can I set this down?
- [Bridget] Only with great caution.
- Okay.
Do I act like I'm attracted to Evan?
- What? No.
Where'd you even get that idea?
- Yeah, Ryan believes I'm
secretly in love with her.
- Oh, Ryan.
She certainly has a flair for
the dramatic, doesn't she?
I mean, she should be
writing episodes for Dynasty.
(laughing)
Unless, there's something
you're not telling me.
Ryan, I worry about her.
I mean, the situation with her father.
It's like everyone's
got something to hide,
like we're all keeping a secret
we desperately need to stay concealed.
- I wouldn't know anything about that.
(yelping)
(groaning)
- How is it that I can
restore ancient weaponry
but I can't make a cup of
coffee without injuring myself?
- Because you focus on
the things you love,
like weapons and friends,
with such intensity
that not pouring scolding
hot water on yourself
just simply fades into the background.
- Well maybe I'm just clumsy.
- Clumsy on you is adorable.
- You would be such a good girlfriend.
Why don't you start dating,
put yourself out there?
- I don't believe in the
grand idea of romance.
- Well, surely you've been in love before.
- Do you know how to make
the coffee with the foam or--
- Don't evade the topic.
- Ugh.
When I was in high school
there was a girl, Whitney Merritt,
she was a senior, I was a sophomore
and she would drive me
home everyday from school
in a red Mustang, so I
didn't have to take the bus.
She was the most beautiful
thing I'd ever seen
and I convinced myself that we
were destined to be together
and at the end of the school
year, I professed my love.
- And?
- Well, I never heard from her again.
She went to the Hamptons for the summer
and then straight to a
private woman's college.
I'm still looking for her.
But not her, specifically,
because that would be creepy.
But I'm looking to feel
that way, I felt about her,
with someone else.
In that sense, I guess, I'll
always be chasing Whitney.
- So,
this is there you got all the angst
that inspired you to become a writer.
- I'm afraid it did.
Yeah, my mom could tell I was
really emotionally devastated
and we didn't have much
but she bought me this
used lime green iBook
into which I just poured by soul.
- And through which you began your journey
to becoming one of the
great novelists of our time.
- More like my journey to
writing engagement announcements
and other forms of drivel.
What I need
is inspiration.
I'm currently stuck in writers' gridlock.
- Maybe
what you need is to, you know.
- Get laid?
Yeah, that seems to be the consensus.
- Hello, ladies.
- Aww.
(chuckling)
- Hello, dear.
Productive day in zee noo Germany?
(laughing)
- What is it?
- Something medieval.
(gasping)
Time for Middle East peace conference.
- Oh, okay.
- I have to marry Bridget, now.
- Why?
Did you get her knocked up?
Kidding.
What's the rush?
- Dov, when you meet
the girl of your dreams
and you look into her eyes,
you'll understand that
the most important thing
is never letting her go.
- I wouldn't know anything
about that either.
- I'm gonna kill myself.
- It's only coffee, Evan.
Oops, you did it again.
Who is she?
- An intern at my father's
campaign headquarters.
- I hate cliches.
How old?
- She's in college.
- Not what I asked.
- 19.
- Whoa, you like to play low numbers.
- I like to win.
- It's not a casino.
- It's a game, it's all a game.
- I'm just thinking that if
you can't stop screwing around,
you should probably let Bridget
go and find someone else.
(groaning)
- I just need her to marry me.
- [Dov] Do you really feel that marriage
is gonna make you stop
cheating on Bridget?
- Yes.
Hey, this girl, she didn't touch me.
It' a one way street, you understand?
- Well you're driving down
it in the wrong direction.
What's your philosophy,
Evan, eating isn't cheating?
- It's entirely historically inaccurate.
And I love it.
(giggling)
- My baby.
- I guess I'll wear it all the time.
(somber beat music)
Float around in silence
Hanging on a dream up here
Float around in silence
Hanging on a dream up here
Float around in silence
Hanging on a dream up here
- Hey.
- [Bridget] Hey, did Dov leave?
- No, she left right after we ate.
- I didn't notice.
- Thank you.
(chuckling)
- "Your eyes are blue torch light.
"Ice-kissed frost fire.
"My wasted heart melts there."
- You know, it's cute,
like a middle school
love note or something.
- "Ice-kissed frost fire?"
You wrote this for me?
- No, you wrote it for me.
Oh shit, or didn't you?
- Evan, that's not even my handwriting.
- You're saying you didn't write that.
- Where did you find that?
- Just in the kitchen, just over there.
- Somebody wrote it.
Looks like you have a secret admirer.
- They're out of luck because
I have eyes only for you.
(exciting beat music)
(moaning)
(phone ringing)
- No, no, no.
(phone ringing)
- But.
The answering machine is full.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
- Hey, Bridget.
Is Evan there?
- Evan Dever.
- Evan.
It's Ryan.
I'm locked out of my house.
- What time is it?
- Please.
I was out partying with
these Iranian guys.
No offense.
- None taken.
- And we were doing blow all night
and I got that feeling, you know?
The one that says "leave now."
So I got out of there but
my keys aren't in my clutch
and I don't wanna go back alone.
I thought maybe since you're Arab--
- Iranians are Persian, not Arab.
- Oh.
Oh, right.
- Don't worry about it.
- I think you can reason
with them since you're,
you know,
Middle Eastern.
Please come get me.
- I'm on my way.
- Do you speak Arabic?
- No.
(moaning)
- Hello?
(moaning)
(somber beat music)
You were so good at reasoning with them.
Evan Dever, you're my hero.
Do you wanna come inside?
Stay up and party all
night like the old days?
- I have to be at work in three hours.
How'd you afford this?
- My daddy hates me.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I live next door, I'm Misha.
- Evan.
- Are you Ryan's new girl?
- Oh no, we're good friends.
- That's what they all say.
Can you light me one of those, cowboy?
- How about I give you this one, cowgirl?
- Thanks.
- Think nothing of it.
- You're up late.
- Oh yeah, we were just--
- Wanna come over to my place, hang out?
- I have to be up early.
- Okay, well, you know where to find me.
- Hey!
Come on!
(faint beat music)
(sniffling)
- You know, cocaine is
God's way of telling you
you have too much money.
- I don't need God to tell me I'm rich.
- You need to be careful.
I've seen a lot of pretty girls
ruin their looks with this stuff.
- Well it's a lucky thing I
don't plan on living past 30.
- You have some on your nose.
- It's okay, I'm gonna keep doing it.
God blessed me with
good looks and cursed me
with the knowledge that
they would one day fade.
- There's no reason to rush prophecy.
- How come you and I never got together?
- We've been over this.
- Come on.
We'd be so cute.
- Because a player can't get played.
(groaning)
- Which one of us is the
play in this scenario?
- We both are.
Additionally, I happen to be madly in love
with you best friend, whom
I also plan on marrying.
- What's with you saying
"whom" all the time?
I went to the same school
as you and I can't do that.
- I was paying attention in class.
- I doubt you even showed up.
- I finished four years in three
and never even cracked the text book.
- Show-off.
I'm cold.
Get on the bed.
(chuckling)
I don't know, it's just
nice having someone like me for me.
- Bridget likes you for you.
- That's different.
She's not a boy.
You're a boy, Evan.
That's why I called you.
I wanted a boy to take care of me.
We have the best group, don't we?
You're the king, Bridget's the queen.
I'm definitely the princess.
- What are Dov and Trista?
- The court jesters.
Hey, Evan?
- Mhmm?
- There's something I need to tell you.
- You can tell me anything.
- You're right.
I can always count on you.
Hey,
can you stay?
At least until I'm asleep?
- That won't be for a few days.
- Fair point.
Do you think you could at
least sleep here tonight?
I'd feel a lot safer.
- You're paranoid from all the coke.
- Do you think Bridget will mind?
Because I could call her
right now and tell her.
- Bridget forced you to
give her kissing lessons.
She'll be fine.
- Hey, Evan?
- Mhmm?
- I love you.
- You too, sweetheart.
- And not in a gay way.
(huffing)
(upbeat music)
- No.
No, no.
No, no.
(screaming)
(sighing)
(muffled yelling)
(phone ringing)
- Dov isn't here right now,
would you like to leave a message?
- Where the fuck are you?
You know how much this
party means to Bridget.
- What time is it?
- Were you asleep?
Were you dreaming of Evan?
- I hate myself.
- You love someone who doesn't love you.
And I thought writers didn't like cliches.
- It's not so cliche that I hate myself.
- Hang on.
- Dov, you know how much
this party means to Bridget.
- [Ryan] That's what I said.
- I'm dying.
- You're not dying.
You just can't think of
anything better to do.
- Tell her to take some Gas-X.
- Get dressed and get the fuck over here.
- The king has spoken.
(somber music)
Hello?
(exciting New Wave music)
- Oh!
You look amazing!
This is hilarious!
(laughing)
Where's your costume?
This is not good enough.
- Whatever.
- Oh, Ryan.
- You need to wear your glasses.
- Oh, they make me look like a nerd
and they're historically inaccurate.
(laughing)
- Dov is coming.
- Oh, thanks for calling her.
I didn't realize she wasn't here.
- So, apparently my dad
is in some kind of induced-coma state.
I don't get it, I thought
in Europe they had laws
where they let people die.
- He wants that?
Euthanasia?
- Youth in Asia?
What do they have to do with it?
(upbeat music)
- Hi.
- Dov.
- Time for a Mid-East summit?
- I need to unburden my conscience.
Do you take confessions?
- Do I look like a priest?
- You look poor and celibate.
- Close enough, what's up?
- My intern, now she says
she's in love with me.
I have to see her every day.
I don't know how to handle it.
- Why don't you be a big boy
and stop committing adultery
with your teenage subordinate?
- It's not adultery unless you're married.
Until Bridget accepts my offer,
I have no reason to decline any others.
- I'll tell you what.
Say three Hail Mary's, four Our Father's
and pray that there's a God
that will absolve you of your sins.
- You know what I like about you?
- Can't wait.
- You always tell it like it is.
You never lie.
You're a straight shooter.
- Not so sure about the
"straight" part but.
(exciting New Wave music)
- Hey, over here!
I want you to meet my neighbor's daughter.
She's Jewish too.
Misha!
Misha!
Misha,
this is Dov, I was telling you about her.
- I like your haircut.
- Thanks.
No one ever says that.
- Really?
- That's the first thing I noticed.
- Spectacular.
I like your bonnet.
- Ummm.
Truth.
- Hmmmmm.
What are your numbers?
- Well,
I knew I was a lesbian in high school
but I didn't come out until college,
which is where I met Evan.
But then I Puerto Rico to live
with my dad for a few years
and they're really conservative there,
but I kept in touch with Evan,
so eventually she offered
to pay for grad school
if I came back.
- So, what's your answer?
- Just Evan.
Just one.
- [Trista] Uh-uh.
No, you're lying.
- [Ryan] She's not.
She would've told me.
- [Trista] Do you think about other women?
- Well, I mean yeah, I
think about other women
but I love Evan.
- Wow, that's super deep.
(chuckling)
- Okay, so...
Who's next?
- Ryan.
- Yes?
Dare.
- Kiss Evan.
- Fuck yeah.
(laughing)
My turn.
Dov, truth or dare?
- Truth.
- [Ryan] You sure about that?
- No.
Dare.
I choose dare.
- [Ryan] Kiss Evan.
(laughing)
- [Dov] No.
- Kiss Evan.
- Nope.
- [Ryan] That's your
dare, you have to do it.
- I'm not.
- Why?
Is there something wrong with Evan?
- [Dov] I just don't want to.
Give me another dare.
- That's not how it works.
Do you think I wanted to kiss Evan?
- [Dov] Yeah, I think you did.
- Poor example.
- Oh, come on, you're
gonna make her feel bad.
- Stop, she doesn't have to kiss me.
- Yes she does.
If I'd welched on every
dare I got in high school,
I wouldn't be the woman I am today.
(laughing)
- I think you're arguing
against your own point.
(faint beat music)
- [Ryan] Good job, Evan.
Was that so bad?
- [Trista] Oooooh.
(laughing)
- There.
Bridget, Evan, thank you for having me.
- Come on!
You're not leaving!
Come back!
Come back!
Bye, Felicia.
(laughing)
Well, that was a play full of awkwardness.
- It was like being kissed
by a 12 year old virgin of myself.
(laughing)
Gotta disinfect.
- Drink it, drink all of it.
Kill the bottle, kill it.
(laughing)
Here, here, I got you.
(laughing)
I'm just gonna lick it up.
- Hey, wait up!
- What were you thinking?
- I did you a favor.
- You humiliated me.
I'm not in love with Evan!
What's it gonna take to get that through
your pretty, little skull?!
- Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Maybe one kiss from your
lips is all it would take
and Evan would decide to
leave Bridget forever.
- If only.
Aren't you the one who's
supposed to be looking out
for her best interests?
- What makes you think I'm not?
- Where'd that come from?
- I had lunch at Evan's office last week.
I got a look at Evan's intern.
More specifically, I got a look at the way
Evan looks at her intern.
I don't know if she's done anything or not
but I know Evan and I know people
and I know that the one thing
that people never, ever do is change.
Listen, this had been a
little too much reality
for one night.
I like substances and I like abusing them.
- I don't know, Ry.
- Some dweezoid left a mondo
of Purple Urkel at my place.
It's yours for the taking.
As am I.
- Purple Urkel?
- I cordially invite you
to night of bad decisions
and debauchery at my apartment.
(sighing)
- Then I cordially
accept but I'm still mad.
- I can live with that.
- Are you gonna try to seduce me again?
- Depends, do you want me to?
- Yeah
(laughing)
(exciting New Wave beat music)
(gong ringing)
- Hey, Jew bu.
- This isn't Buddha, this is Shiva.
- I thought you were in
an exclusive relationship
with the God of Abraham.
- I took an Asian
Philosophy class in college.
I didn't understand a word of it but
it was graded on a curve so,
I passed with flying colors.
- And what brought on this
bout of religious bi curiosity?
- Trying, again, to write my novel
and failing, again, to
come up with a single word.
- And how's this ritual helping you?
- Clearly, you understand nothing
about the writing process.
- I saw Paige yesterday.
- How'd it go?
- I didn't talk to her.
- You can't keep standing
outside your old house
and spying on her.
- Why not?
- What are yo afraid of?
- Dying alone.
- I think we're in the same boat.
More like a sinking ship.
Except, I've long accepted the fact
that the woman who owns my heart
will never return my feelings.
- Which bitch are you in love with?
- That's between me and my God.
Which God, I haven't decided yet.
- If you're obsessed with
some unobtainable girl,
you have to profess to her your love.
- I'd rather keep writing
engagement announcements
for the rest of my natural born life.
- So much irony in that.
- You could offer me a million
dollars to write a book,
right now,
I wouldn't be able to come
up with a single thing.
- I know what you need
to write a book about.
Write a book about a group of lesbians
who are constantly creating
unnecessary and neuritic problems
to keep them from dealing with
their terrifying problems,
like reality.
- Come on.
No one would read that.
- I'm getting a promotion at the museum.
- That's so great.
- And I might even be getting
a fellowship in Romania.
- Are you still gonna have a
big, gay Republican wedding?
- I don't even wanna think about it.
- Can I be a bridesmaid?
No one's ever asked me to be a bridesmaid.
- I'm just so
unsure.
- But you and Evan have
a fairytale romance.
- I love Evan, I do.
"Ice-kissed frost fire."
- What?
- Nothing.
Okay.
Someone wrote Evan an anonymous love note.
- Oh my God.
That's so pathetic.
- You don't know anything
about it, do you?
(muffled beat music)
- So good.
Where'd you learn to
make coffee like this?
- Late nights in stuffy museums,
a person will resort
to desperate measures.
- Desperate measures is
my area of expertise.
- Hey, Ryan, how's your dad?
- Still hanging on, the old bastard.
- I'm worried about you.
You don't seem bothered that
your dad is going to die.
- I'm very bothered.
Once I collect inheritance,
it's gonna put me
in an entirely new tax bracket.
- That's the other thing.
You seem obsessed with getting his money.
- Once I become rich,
I mean, rich rich,
I'll never have to work
another day of my life.
I'll just be tattooing
for shits and giggles.
Evan's paying your tuition
for grad school, right?
- Yeah, but it's just temporary.
When I get my career going,
I'm gonna pay her back.
- And you're not paying
rent to live with her?
- I try.
I insisted, actually, but
she wouldn't hear of it.
She refused to take anything from me
because we're in love.
- What a world.
- Yeah.
The world is crazy, right?
- No.
I meant, yours.
(video cassette player buzzing)
(upbeat music)
- I'm thinking June 1st.
That'll give you enough time to prepare.
You'll have a wedding planner
to assist you, of course.
- I just got a promotion, I
barely have time as it is.
- I'm thinking a garden wedding.
I can see it now.
Our lesbian nuptials will be
the Republican social
gathering of the year.
- Do you want a wedding ceremony
or a political gathering
worthy of CNN coverage?
- I can see it now.
The Republicans can sit
on my side of the isle
and since your family isn't coming, sorry,
anyone who are Democrats
appear can sit on yours.
- Ugh.
I've been, okay, do you
mind if I say something?
Offensive?
- Just when I thought this conversation
couldn't get any more interesting.
- Okay.
Okay.
Look, I've never seen
a white Arab than you.
I've never seen a whiter person than you.
I mean, it's all too easy
with your golden locks
and your fair skin to
avoid discrimination.
- What about you?
You think in a million years
anyone would think you were gay
from looking at you?
Because that's what I have to live with.
Every person who sees me sees a dyke.
- It's not a competition.
- My point is that this is a case
of the pot calling the kettle white.
- As sure is the day is long,
they will fuck you.
They will fuck you and me
and every gay and lesbian
and brown and black person.
You are delusional if you think
you're gonna come out ahead on this.
- Now tell me how you really feel.
- Come on.
- Bridget, this is just background noise.
Let's get married and start
an exciting new chapter in our lives.
- Do you know many happily
married people, Evan?
Because I don't.
(sighing)
This house is falling apart.
- You know, I think you
wanted to redo the house
so you threw that Halloween party
knowing how much damage it would make.
(laughing)
- We need to redo the carpets.
The walls need new paint.
- I need to get an
estimate on the foundation.
- Yeah.
Let's fix the foundation first.
Play the movie
I want you to smile
Shut out all the worries
Dream away for awhile
The look you had in
your eyes back then
We'll pretend
It's 85 again
Play the tape
Make me feel like I'm whole
Take me back again to
see the look of that crow
The power of love is
back on the screen
I will have
85 again
(exciting beat music)
- Ryan, your hands are shaking.
- It's freezing in here.
Would it kill you to
pay your heating bill?
- Just.
No, don't stab out my eye.
My insurance plan sucks!
- [Ryan] Damn!
- [Dov] How's your dad?
- Ugh, he won't die.
Did I tell you why I
became a tattoo artist?
It was to punish him.
I got this fancy degree in art history
that cost him a fortune and now I use it
to give people something they're regret
for the rest of their lives.
Like he regrets having me.
Bridget, you are so beautiful.
If I were you, I wouldn't
give a second thought
to the intern at Evan's office.
You're much prettier than she is.
Oh, excuse me.
- It's like a "don't do drugs, kids" PSA.
(exciting beat music)
- Attention!
Attention!
Ladies and gentlemen
and everyone else.
I have an announcement!
Bridget!
Bridget!
Where are you, baby?
I know most girls,
I know most girls lose their
virginity on prom night
but tonight, I'm hoping that my true love
will make an honest fella out of me.
- She's wasted.
- This has been burning a
whole in my pocket for weeks.
Bridget, will you do me
the extraordinary honor
of becoming my bride?
- Evan, you're drunk.
- Sapphire to match your eyes.
- There's something we
need to talk about first.
What are we gonna do about
all your late nights at the office?
- What do you mean?
- I'm talking about all
the special attention
you've been giving your intern.
(groaning)
- You told her!
Why would you tell her?!
- [Bridget] Evan, stop, let her go!
Tell me what?
- I wasn't me!
- She didn't tell me anything.
You just told me everything.
- It's all right.
She's always like playing hard to get.
(upbeat music)
- Hey, it's all right.
It's not a party until
something gets broken.
- Yeah, like my neck.
(upbeat dance music)
- Thanks for letting me stay here.
I really didn't wanna go home tonight.
- Are you sure you wanna stay here?
I can take the sofa, no problem.
- I don't wanna do that to you.
I don't wanna kick you out of your bed.
- I mean, it's actually totally okay.
- What is that?
- Oh.
That.
That's a long story.
Also the closest thing I've
had to a woman in my bedroom
in a long time.
Well, in this house in forever.
- As long as it's not a sex doll.
- What?
Oh no, that would be weird.
- Weirder than having a
mannequin in you bedroom?
(laughing)
- When I was in college, I
was a creative writing major
who was thoroughly invested in her art
and in hopes of attracting young ladies
I came up with this backstory
that the reason my dad
spiraled into alcoholism
was because he lost his
job in a mannequin factory.
- I bet the ladies couldn't resist.
Was any of that true?
- Only the alcoholism part.
Oh.
I didn't mean to go there.
While we're on the topic,
would you care for a bourbon?
- Sure.
Oh, "A The Dummies'
Guide to the Dark Ages."
I didn't know you were
into medieval stuff.
- Yeah, that's.
- "Let me show you how
a kiss should taste."
- Not ready for anyone to see that.
- Ah, still in utero?
(giggling)
Do you have a book full of
photos or Ryan somewhere
or maybe a secret stash of photos
on each one of your friends?
- No, you're my one and only.
- "Your eyes are blue-torched light."
- "Ice-kissed frost fire."
- [Both] "My wasted heart melts there."
- It was you?
- Yeah.
- You wrote that for Evan.
- No, no.
I wrote that for you.
For you to find.
When you're alone and you
think no one's watching,
you get this look on your face
and I always wonder what you're thinking
because you look so sad
but your eyes, they just,
they turn the most
remarkable shade of blue.
- You notice that?
- Bridget, nothing about you
has ever escaped my attention.
- Maybe if you stare at
her house long enough,
she'll decide she doesn't
want to divorce you anymore.
- That's what I'm hoping.
- This is technically trespassing.
If we end up in jail, I'm
gonna miss Black Friday.
- [Trista] Calm down, you'll
be out by Cyber Monday.
- What's that?
Hey, Trista?
Can you spend the night at my house?
- What's up with you being
afraid of your apartment?
- Evan says it's because I'm
paranoid from all the coke.
Hey, can we talk about something?
- Shit.
- [Ryan] What's going on?
(Trista laughing)
- Oh, look.
Oh no.
No, no, no, no.
She's with someone.
- No way.
- That bitch.
- Maybe that's her sister.
I really hope that's not her sister.
- I've had enough.
- Trista, no!
- Let go of me.
(groaning)
I want to go fight her.
I'm gonna fight her.
Jesus Christ, you've got
freakish coke strength.
(groaning)
Here we go, you're coming with me.
(groaning)
I gotta go.
(shushing)
Oh my God.
- I'm performing an intervention.
- Jesus.
- Don't move.
- [Trista] Get off me!
- You may be stronger than me
but I am meaner.
And you are not going into that house.
(sighing)
- Evan's always been the one, you know?
I never even had any other
girlfriends in high school.
Believe it or not,
I was kinda of a geek.
(giggling)
Sometimes I do wonder,
I think to myself,
"What if Evan hadn't
picked me up that night?"
I don't necessarily subscribe
to M-Theory or String Theory
but the very possibility of a multiverse
has got to make you wonder.
- Well, if you hadn't been with
Evan, we never would've met.
- I thought I'd be angry, furious, upset.
Instead, I just feel...
Emptiness.
Speaking of emptiness.
(sighing)
- The reason I spend so
much time around Evan
is because wherever she is
you are there too.
- Huh?
- And I think the reason
I'm not seeing anyone
or looking to meet anyone is because
to me you are perfect.
- Oh my God.
- Since the moment I met you
I've been
secretly,
madly,
in love with you.
- How could I not have seen this?
How could I not have seen you?
- I wish I could just
cut you into a million pieces
and scatter you across the sky
and count you like stars.
- I think that
is the most romantic thing
anyone has ever said to me.
(exciting New Wave beat music)
- I've loved you since
the moment I saw you.
Not a day's gone by I
haven't dreamed of this!
(smacking)
(gasping)
- I'm sorry.
I don't know why I did that.
- You're a goddess.
(exciting New Wave beat music)
(huffing)
(huffing)
(laughing)
- My bra.
(giggling)
(exciting New Wave beat music)
(moaning)
- You're the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.
(dramatic beat music)
(ambient music)
Hey.
- Hey.
Wait.
I wanna see you.
There you are.
(giggling)
(moaning)
(knocking)
- Trista?
- [Evan] It's Evan.
(gasping)
- How is she here?
- No one locked the door!
Hold on.
(thudding)
Shit!
(groaning)
Hold on one minute.
- A thousand pardons
for my behavior last night.
I know you are not the
one who told Bridget.
I know you wouldn't do that.
- Hey.
Now is not the best time right now.
If you know what I mean.
- Oh shit.
You have a girl back there?
(laughing)
- Yeah, I can't wait to
tell you all about it.
- I gotta tell you, I
always wondered about you.
I thought maybe you were
one of those straight girls
who pretends to be gay
because she thinks it
makes her more interesting.
- Evan, you have no idea.
- Oh.
Hey, just confirm for me
that it's a woman in there.
- This isn't what it looks like.
- It looks like you fucked my girlfriend.
- That's exactly what it looks like.
- You know it wasn't her idea, Evan.
- I know that if we fight, you'll win,
but I will inflict as much
damage on you as possible
before you bring me down.
And you will have to kill me
before I let you go anywhere near her.
- You got a lot of, what is
that word you people use?
Chutzpah?
Yeah, chutzpah.
- Stop it, Evan.
- Do not speak to me!
Do not ever come back to my house again.
I don't ever wanna see your face.
(somber beat music)
- Hey.
Hey!
- Hey, sleepyhead.
- What time is it?
- Time for me to go to work.
I'll be in so much
trouble if I'm late again.
- How long have I been here?
- Hello, since we got back.
- Wait.
We went to Paige's, you tackled me
and why don't I remember
anything after that?
- We came back here and
you were super upset
and I have some diazepam, so--
- How much did you give me?
- You asked for a loading dose.
- Fuck.
- And I don't play so I got out
these old pharmacy textbooks
and I asked you your weight
and I added 20 pounds
because I know I always take
off 20 when anyone asks me.
- I gotta get out of here.
- I wouldn't do that.
Oh no.
Like I said, a loading dose.
Up we go.
(groaning)
- This is why my wife left me.
No one should have to live like this.
- I decline my invitation
to your pity party.
- This is like "Whatever
Happened to Baby Jane."
And I'm baby Jane.
(laughing)
- If the rule that you
followed led you here,
of what use was the rule?
(groaning)
(laughing)
- You dare get existential on me now.
- You're Monday-morning
quarterbacking your entire life.
- Shoot.
(Evan grunting)
(gasping)
You scared me.
- I had your things sent to you.
- Yeah, well, you forgot some
of my weapons, so here I am.
I thought you'd be sleeping.
- I've reverted to my old schedule.
Sleep by day, live by night.
- What about your job?
- Oh yeah, I haven't been going.
- Why?
- My dad took a contribution
from an organization
whose leader once said that
gays should be rounded up
and thrown off cliffs.
- Are you quitting?
I moved in with Ryan.
- I heard.
Will I also be footing the bill
for your share of Ryan's rent?
- I don't have to listen to this.
- Sweets,
you couldn't ignore me if you try.
- Don't throw that in my face!
- What?
That I've been paying for
your Ivy League education?
Or that I have supported you for years
and I've only asked you for
one, one thing, in return?!
- How could I marry someone
who did what you did to me?
- I did nothing to you!
- Yeah, that's right,
you were too busy doing
it to someone else!
- You let Dov fuck you!
I know it wasn't the other
way around, pillow princess.
You've always been more of a taker.
- You have fucked everyone and everything
and you've been doing
it since the day we met!
And I,
I loved you too much to admit to myself
what I knew to be true.
- Love me or you needed me?
Which one, Bridget?
You love me?
It's very easy to be
taken care of, isn't it?
Makes it so much easier
not to see the things
you don't want to.
What changed it for you?
What made you go, "You know,
I've had a really great time
"not having to work for anything
"but now I think I'm gonna get rid of
"good old reliable Evan."
- I fucking love you!
I've loved you since I was 18 years old.
Not a day has gone by since
that you haven't been the
love of my fucking life!
I know you're a cheater,
I know you screw around.
That is why I wouldn't marry you!
- I will stop fucking around
when I have tangible proof
that you're not in this for a free ride.
- You had something better than tangible,
you had something real!
- You're discussing us in past tense.
Doesn't get any more real than that.
Shut up for a second.
Shut the fuck up.
Or maybe it was your guilt that was real.
- And why would I feel guilty, Evan?
- I've always been there for
you when no one else was.
Maybe you were guilting
yourself into staying with me.
- Stupid.
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
You are telling me that
you've been fucking around
this whole time because you thought
I felt I owed you something?!
That I was using you?!
And all you had to do was
ask me and I woulda told you
that none of that was true!
I love you.
I love you! I love you!
I love you!
Say
something.
- Good luck in the real world.
(smacking)
(chuckling)
- This is the part where I leave you.
(faint beat music)
"The Shipwreck Diaries.
"A Novel by Dov Dolenz."
You wrote a book?
(laughing)
- Yeah.
- Let's go read it.
- Okay.
- Dov.
- Yeah?
- This is amazing.
- Are you sure?
I mean, I've had women say that before
but I haven't always
trusted their sincerity.
- Yes.
This is so exciting, I
mean, you wrote a book.
- I'll be back to writing
engagement announcements tomorrow.
- Yeah, maybe, but this
book is gonna be big.
When did you do this?
- The last three nights I just stayed up.
It was pouring out of me.
It was you.
Bridget, I couldn't have written
this if it wasn't for you.
- Dov.
(moaning)
(huffing)
- Can I be godmother
to your finger babies?
- Very funny.
(moaning)
I need to share this book with Ryan.
- No
- I gotta show her.
Yeah, yes, yes, yes.
(sighing)
I'll be back.
(sighing)
Ryan, Dov wrote a novel
and it's really good.
- "The Shipwreck Diaries."
I loved that when I was a kid.
- This is Dov's book.
- Gotta split.
One of my friends is waiting on me.
Have I got any messages?
Is my dad dead?
(giggling)
Dad-dead.
- Ryan, are these the new friends
that Evan had to save you from?
- Oh, that Evan, telling
tales out of school.
- She's falling apart.
- Hey, even the Sistine
Chapel is crumbling.
- Yeah.
Dov,
your book.
- Second thoughts.
Not as great as you thought
it was five minutes ago?
- It's amazing.
It's just the characters,
it's us, right, the gang?
You, me, Trista,
Evan, Ryan?
- Yeah but I'm not
anticipating any lawsuits.
- And I'm Kahlan
and you're Cara?
- Pretty obvious, huh?
- And Kahlan and Cara,
they wind up together in the end, right?
Specifically moving in
together and getting married.
- Oh, right, but Bridget,
it's just a book.
I've been up the past
two days, three days.
It's all artistic license.
- I know.
I just need you to understand,
I just got out of a really bad situation.
- Is this what you think
this is, a bad situation?
- No, no.
It's wonderful.
But it's still a situation.
- Oh.
Okay.
- That night, when I
found out you'd written
"blue torch light" for me,
and then you wrote
another poem on the spot
and beautiful words were
just coming out of you.
Beautiful words always come out of you.
I just got so lost in
everything that you were saying
and in everything that you are.
- And I'm really good in bed.
- It's easy to fall in love with someone.
Falling out of love,
that is a lot harder.
- It always comes back
to Evan, doesn't it?
- I wish...
I...
I wish I could forget.
But...
She's been the love of my life.
- Okay.
I understand.
You gave me the inspiration.
I got the book but I lost the girl.
- You are gonna get so
much more out of this book
than you ever would me.
- I respectfully disagree.
- I don't wanna lose you.
I need you.
(crying)
- I need you too.
(faint dramatic beat music)
- Nobody understands the
rules for the Brat Pack.
The rules for the Brat Pack are, A,
starring in either "St. Elmo's Fire"
or "The Breakfast Club,"
and B, being in at least one other movie
with anther Brat Packer.
So that's eight people.
Judd Nelson,
Rob Lowe,
Molly Ringwald,
Anthony Michael Hall, Emilio Estevez,
Ally Sheedy, Andrew McCarthy,
and last but certainly not least,
Demi Moore.
- Who didn't make the cut?
- Mare Winningham.
Mare was in "St. Elmo's Fire"
but never in another movie
with another Brat Packer.
- Mare Winningham.
Who is he?
- Oh my God, I don't even
know why I talk to you.
- Whenever you start talking
about pistachios and inter--
- Pastiche and intertertextuality.
- Right, intertertextuality.
It sounds like a new sexual orientation.
- If you were on the Table
of Elements, you'd be moron.
Yeah, it's me!
(crying)
- Is your phone hot?
- Evan?
Evan?
Evan?
Evan.
Evan.
Hey.
Evan!
Come on, wake up!
Evan.
(sighing)
(gasping)
I had to.
- Why are you here?
Again!
Fuck!
Nice, She-Ra.
- It's invaluable, okay?
I couldn't leave it in the car.
- It's nice to know you
cherish something so dearly.
- Why haven't you been taking my calls?
- I'm focused on the future.
Not the past.
- This isn't about me and
you, Evan, this is about Ryan.
She called me while I was
at the museum, crying.
She said the debt collectors
are coming to take away
all of her stuff tomorrow.
- I thought she was loaded.
- I don't understand it
anymore than you do but
she said she's gonna lock
herself in her bathroom
and drown herself in the bathtub.
- That is literally an
impossible thing to do.
- Well we have to do something.
- This is not am MP.
It's a YP.
Your problem.
- Evan, what's wrong with you?
This is Ryan.
She needs our help.
(jiggling)
Oh, I gotta get this off.
Get this off.
Oh, my baby.
Thank you.
- Bridget.
- What?
Ryan?
- Stay away!
If you come any closer, I'll jump.
- Oh, for the love of.
- Ryan, sweetheart,
we've all been there.
Remember that time I
crashed my dad's Delorean
and decided to drink myself to death?
You stayed up all night
with me feeding me edamame.
- We're gonna call the police
if you don't stop this.
- I'll throw myself over the railing
before you even get to the phone.
- Maybe threatening her
wasn't the best idea.
(doorknob jiggling)
- What the fuck is it now?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- You invite Dov to
Ryan's nervous breakdown?
- [Bridget] I called everyone.
- It's a real party.
- How is she?
- Ryan, you're scaring us.
- Leave me alone.
- Honey, look,
at that distance, with your
weight at that velocity,
you'd be more likely to
break your legs than die.
- [Evan] Keep talking to her like that
and she'll definitely
decide to kill herself.
- Honey, why don't you let us just,
you look so tired, we'll come
up there and talk to you.
- I heard you wrote a book.
- Yeah.
Wanna read it?
Evan, don't mess around!
- Evan, stop it, that's priceless.
I mean, invaluable.
- Me or the sword?
- Fuck, it's turning into Hamlet in here.
I hope they all die in the end.
- You stole the thing I love most.
- Maybe if you hadn't
treated her like a thing,
I wouldn't have been able to.
- Evan, you can do tens
of thousands of dollars
worth of damage to that sword.
- Okay, she's worried about the sword.
- I'm not concerned with
consequences anymore.
Thanks to your little pep talk.
- What did you say to her?
- Maybe I told her I
was leaving her for good
and then maybe I hit her?
- Okay, okay.
She's armed like a knife
and pushed to the brink
and I fucked her girlfriend.
- Any last words, Dov Dolenz?
- I love her.
I love her.
I love her.
(gasping)
- There is no peace in the Middle East.
- This could technically be
construed as a hate crime.
- This is an act of war!
(yelling)
(gasping)
- I think you may have anger issues.
- You don't need to worry about anything.
Not where you're going.
(yelping)
(screaming)
(whimpering)
Fuck!
Fuck!
(Evan gasping)
(screaming)
(gasping)
- Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Just...
Just let me have a look at it.
- No!
None of you bitches touches me!
- Evan?
Are you okay?
- Me?
I'm fit as fucking fiddle.
- [Bridget] You have a knife in your back.
- Yeah, I gathered.
- Dov, call an ambulance.
- Where's the phone?
- Should we pull it out?
- No!
- [Bridget] What have I done, Evan?
- Oh, shit.
(Bridget crying)
(whimpering)
(groaning)
That's better.
What's wrong?
Did you run out of money?
We can help you.
- It's not that.
It's my dad.
- Did he die?
I'm so sorry.
- No, that fucker's alive and well.
He was never really sick.
I made the whole thing up.
- Why would you do that?
- He cut me out of his life.
Not just financially.
Completely.
- What happened?
- His daughter is a lesbian.
I fuck women and that is
enough to make him hate me.
He disposed of me.
He's not dead.
I'm the one that's dead.
Dead to him.
- Honey, you could've told us.
- I was too embarrassed.
So I said he was dying.
It seemed easier.
I was just so ashamed
and now I'm angry at myself
for feeling ashamed.
It should be him.
He should be the one who hates himself.
Not me.
- You know,
when we're growing up,
when we're kids,
we know there's something
different about us.
- Yeah, I knew I liked
girls from the age of five.
I've always been ahead of the curve.
- When we know there's something different
and we can't put words to it.
That turns into self-loathing.
Then we get a little older
and we realize that society doesn't accept
the parts of us that make us different
and that self-loathing turns in to shame.
- I'm stronger than that.
- I know you are.
You're a tough cookie but
you can't fix what your
family and society did to you.
You can't un-fuck up a kid.
- I'm not getting five
thousand a month anymore.
I had some money saved up.
I spent it all.
I just wanted the hurt to go away.
Who does that?
What kind of man turns
his back on his daughter
just because she's gay?
- You don't need him.
Okay, you have me and those
three losers downstairs
who would do anything for you.
Ryan, the four of us would die for you.
Fuck your dad, he's not your dad.
Evan's your dad.
And us, we're the rest
of your fucked up family.
- I'm just so confused.
Everything hurts.
I'm so
totally
lost.
- Well,
with those words,
I officially pronounce you
a grownup.
- Did you know I always
wanted to make you coffee?
The way you do it with the foam.
I was gonna surprise you
once, you were at the museum,
you were gonna come home and find it.
I tried but I failed.
I threw it all out and never told you.
- I called an ambulance.
Oh, shit.
- I don't like doing
things I'm not good at.
- Evan,
this is for the pain.
Okay.
- Fuck, this jacket is vintage.
- [Trista] What the fuck happened here?
- [Evan] Bridget stabbed me in the back.
- I know, sweetie.
- No, this time,
I really did stab her.
(laughing)
- Jesus.
- Dov called an ambulance.
It should be here soon.
- So, Ryan tries to commit suicide
and you three bitches find a way
to make it all about yourselves.
- Is that one of
Bridget's ancient daggers?
- I believe so.
- If that thing is 500 years old,
you're gonna have one
hell of an infection.
- Do not forget your dying king.
- Is she gonna die?
- No, baby, but I'm about
to pass out from the pain.
- Goodnight, sweet prince.
May flights of angels
sing thee to thy rest.
- So what have I learned
after all this time?
After all the fucking and partying.
Lying to friends, lovers, myself.
Playing this sick game in this sick world,
filled with liars and cheaters
and depraved miscreants.
I'll tell you what I've learned.
One thing, and one thing only...
I fucking love being gay!
- Hey, Evan, are you still there?
- Yeah.
- I thought you were about
to pass out right then.
- Yeah, that would've been
the perfect place to do it.
- Yeah, yeah, right at
the end of that speech.
(groaning)
- [Trista] Now she's passed out.
- It's true what they say.
Timing really is everything.
- Oh, the ambulance is here.
- Yay.
Evan won't die.
Can I ride with her to the hospital?
I should probably get my stomach pumped.
Can I take out the knife now?
- [All] No!
- [Bridget] Where's your coffee machine?
Does anyone want some coffee?
- Bye, losers.
Good to see you.
(faint beat music)
- How's the shoulder?
Still sore?
- Nothing that copious amounts of alcohol
and Vicodin can't cure.
- Same old Evan.
- I quit my father's campaign.
- When were you gonna tell me?
- When I finally mustered
the ability to say
you were right.
You remember when I told you
about not liking not being good at things
like making coffee and saying I'm sorry?
But as for the coffee, I
came up with a solution.
Instant coffee.
(muffled beat music)
Bridget,
I'm sorry.
- Evan,
this is oatmeal.
- What?
(giggling)
- You made me oatmeal.
This is instant oatmeal.
(laughing)
- I'll never stop loving you.
- Ditto.
- Things are looking up for me.
I got promoted from writing
engagement announcements
to writing obituaries.
- That's super.
That's like the best news ever.
So great.
So, tell me more about
the newspaper, please.
Where's Trista?
- [Bridget] Dov, come over here.
- Oh my God, this conversation has to end.
So much suck.
(muffled beat music)
- So, I couldn't help but notice
you to have been avoiding
each other all night.
My parents pulled the same act for years.
- You're taking a position
at a museum in Romania.
Seems like you're the
one going to extremes
to avoid conflict.
- True.
But I am confused.
I love you both.
But I need time for myself.
Cliche?
- A little.
- So,
friends?
- Eh.
- [Dov] Okay.
- Fine.
- [Trista] Bridget?
- Crazy fuck!
- Republican bitch!
Jesus Christ.
- Well, fags, I'd stay
but I'm afraid you'd
as me to help clean up.
I'll miss you, kid.
- No you won't.
- I'll miss the excessive
drama you bring to my life.
Next week, Hanukkah party, my place.
I'm gonna bust out the Bong Mitzvah.
Goodnight, homos.
- I should probably be going too.
Early flight, long flight.
You coming, Ry?
- I wish I was coming?
Get it?
No?
No, I'm gonna stay up.
- I'll take her back.
- Okay, well,
I am going to go Benadryl myself to sleep.
See you in the morning.
- Bye, babe.
- Yeah.
- I'll walk you out.
- I'll walk you out.
- You did try to behead me.
- I'll see you in half a year.
- Just try to stay out of trouble.
- What's the fun in that?
- I know you have something to say.
- Cheeky monkey.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
- So not to sound arrogant
or anything, you know,
but I am gonna be gone for six months.
What I'm saying is,
if you meet someone.
- No, I get it.
- I packed your poem.
It's in my carryon.
"Ice-kissed frost fire."
I wish I could be like you
and have the right words.
- I wish I had the right words right now.
(engine rumbling)
(groaning)
(sighing)
- So I have this friend
and she really liked her
best friend's girlfriend
and she thought she'd be a much better fit
for her friend's girlfriends
than her friend
and so she set into motion
a series of events that would
lead to them breaking up
and it took a really long time
and a lot of really manipulative behavior
but eventually this girl's plan worked.
- What happened?
- What do you mean?
- What happened?
- What do you mean?
- Did your friend end up with
her best friend's girlfriend?
- I don't know.
That remains to be seen.
So,
what do you think of all that?
Do you think my friend is a bad person?
What?
- Survival of the fittest, right?
(laughing)
- Yeah.
Totally.
(sighing)
- Is there someplace you'd rather be?
- Than here with you?
Never.
- Why'd you do that?
- Because I knew you wouldn't.
- I imagine you want to
get back at your father.
I would excel in that capacity.
(upbeat New Wave music)
(knocking)
- Do you love me?
I know you'll say yes and I'll
take you at your word but I--
- With every beat of my wasted heart.
- I see it now, it's true.
- Yes.
Our bodies intertwined
You're doing that thing you do
Something's on your mind
Restlessness and worries for
A future that's unknown
But I traveled through
both space and time
To make sure you will never be alone
I would wait a thousand years for you
I would brave new frontiers for you
I would trade a thousand years for you
A thousand years, a thousand years
We head into the night
And fade into the streets
As rain on the city falls
The taste is bitter sweet
Restlessness and worries for
A future far away
I'm traveling to the unknown
To make sure you will see another day
I would wait a thousand years for you
I would brave new frontiers for you
I would trade a thousand years for you
A thousand years, a thousand years
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Through complication
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Through the unknown
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Determination
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
I'll make sure you'll never be alone
I would wait a thousand years for you
I would brave new frontiers for you
I would trade a thousand years for you
A thousand years, a thousand years
(giggling)
I would wait a thousand years
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
I would brave a thousand years
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
I would wait a thousand years
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
I would wait a thousand years for you
(somber New Wave music)
- I'm laughing already, I can't.
(laughing)
Turn around, Mike!
(laughing)
- I think but I can see.
- [Woman] It looks like you're just crazy.
- Sweet prince
and flights of angels.
(laughing)
- [Woman] Welcome to Girl-Girl Scene.
- I just want to make
sure I'm holding it right.
(laughing)
(coughing)
- You're up late.
- Thanks.
- [Trista] My mom's freaking
out about the body slam.
I know we're being careful.
There's one thing
That makes me come alive
when you're by my side
- Fuck!
Together with me
We don't sleep
I want you to smile
Shut out all the worries
Keep away for awhile
The look you have
- As long as you literally
don't see my ass.
My ass is out.
Make me feel like I'm whole
Take me back again to
see the look at that crow
The power of love
Is the back on the screen
I will have
85 again
(man laughing)
- [Evan] What? Let me see.
- [Man] I was just filming Jerry.
(mumbling)
- We got the tools and we got the knowhow.
- [Man] Okay, what was the next scene?
- [Bridget] Bedroom.
Me waking up.
(laughing)
- [Ryan] I got it too late.
Like I couldn't debut it
earlier in a different scene
but now it's in the movie.
(laughing)
(exciting beat music)
Play the movie
I want you to smile
Shut out all the worries,
keep away for awhile.
The look you had
- [Man] Action.
- You're still here?
It's over.
Go home?
Shoo.