1
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT A GOLD TOOTH?
FOR YOU?
YOU WANT A GOOD TOOTH?
NO, NOT FOR--
I MEAN--
YOU SHOULD--I THINK
THAT'D BE GREAT ON YOU.
YEAH? I MEAN FOR THE BUNNY, BUT...
DO DIMPLES MAKE HIM
TOO SENSITIVE? LIKE--
DO RABBITS HAVE DIMPLES?
IS THAT ONLY, LIKE,
A HUMAN THING?
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH
"GAME OF THRONES"?
NOTHING.
"GAME OF THRONES,"
YEAH
I HAVE TO ANNOY YOU
TO MAKE 'EM.
[BLOWS LIPS]
I LIKE THAT NOISE.
YOU SHOULD KEEP
MAKING THAT NOISE.
[BLOWS LIPS]
IS THAT AS LOUD
AS IT GETS?
[BLOWS LIPS]
THERE IT IS.
WAS THAT GOOD?
YOU GOT A LITTLE SPITTLE
ON YOUR...
YEAH.
COMPUTER OVER THERE.
FUCK.
"GAME OF THRONES,"
FUCKING "GAME OF THRONES"
NO, I DON'T WAN THE CHICKEN.
YOU CAN--
GET THE CHICKEN
AWAY FROM ME.
CHICKEN.
I DON'T WAN THE CHICKEN.
STOP GIVING ME
THE CHICKEN.
I'M WATCHING TV.
I DON'T WAN TO EAT CHICKEN.
I'M SO SICK
OF CHICKEN.
AH, I CAN
FEEL IT ON ME.
I CAN FEEL I ON ME--EHH!
YOU GOT A LITTLE WING.
AHH!
AH, IT'S SO GROSS.
YOU WANNA EAT THAT?
IT'S SO GROSS.
I WANT IT, THOUGH.
I WANT TO EAT IT.
THRONES, YEAH
AH. OH.
OH, IS THAT GOOD?
FEELS--TASTES SO GOOD,
DOESN'T IT?
YOU JUST--MM.
IS THAT GOOD?
YOU JUST PUT THA IN YOUR MOUTH.
YOU LIKE WHEN I DO THAT?
I LIKE WATCHING YOU DO THAT.
JUST KEEP LICKING IT.
OH, YEAH.
RIGHT THERE.
MEOW, MEOW,
MEOW, MEOW
OH, YEAH.
CHICKEN BONER?
CAN YOU GO--
AH, YEAH.
IT'S--JUST RIGH FROM THE END.
CAN YOU--RIGHT THERE?
I CAN'T REACH IT.
AW, MAN.
I JUST--I CAN'T EVEN--
AH.
NO?
AHH. MM.
LIKE THAT?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
MEOW, MEOW
MEOW, MEOW,
MEOW, MEOW
MEOW, MEOW, MEOW
FUCKING
"GAME OF THRONES"
MEOW
THRONES
DAENERYS TARGARYEN
THRONES
THRONES
...DOWNLOADS
I GOT LAST MONTH.
NAH. WHY YOU
ALWAYS TALKING
ABOUT NUMBERS?
ASK ME
HOW MANY
DOWNLOADS.
NO. IT'S UNBECOMING.
I GOT A QUARTER MILL
DOWNLOADS.
I'M JUST STARTING
A DYNASTY, BABY.
OK, ONE, IT'S A FREE APP
THAT GENERATES PET NAMES
FOR DOUCHEBAGS
TO CALL THEIR GIRLFRIENDS.
THAT IS NOT A DYNASTY.
I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS
A CLASSY DYNASTY.
I SAID IT WAS
A DYNASTY
NONETHELESS.
LOOK AT THAT.
FLUFFLEPUSS.
WHAT IS A FLUFFLEPUSS?
YOU ASKING
THE WRONG QUESTION.
I WOULD LIKE THAT.
THAT'S A NICE NAME.
IT SOUNDS LIKE
A SNUFFLEUFFLEPUSS.
SOMEBODY--
SNOOKI WOULD CALL
HERSELF SNUFFLE--
HOW MANY DOWNLOADS
DID YOU GUYS GE LAST MONTH?
UH, WE--WE DON' KEEP TRACK OF THAT.
100,000,
APPROXIMATELY.
HELLO, LADIES.
WELCOME.
HOW ARE YOU THIS EVENING?
HOW ARE YOU?
VERY WELL, THANK YOU.
SAY HEY TO JACOB.
HI, JACOB.
HELLO. HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
ALL RIGHT, ENJOY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
BRAGGING OVER HERE?
YEAH. YOU KNOW,
SHE'S REALLY PROUD.
MOM'S REALLY PROUD.
SHE'S SUPER PROUD.
HIS DAD'S, LIKE,
SUPER PROUD.
10 BUCKS.
IT'S 10 BUCKS, GUYS.
10 BUCKS.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.
IS IT 10 BUCKS?
IS THAT, LIKE,
30 A PERSON?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HEY, GUYS,
YOU'RE MAKING
A MISTAKE HERE,
AND IT'S A CLASSIC
MISTAKE, BUT THIS IS
NOT A 10-BUCK BAR.
THIS IS A FREE BAR,
A BAR WHERE THERE'S
NO COVER.
IT'S FREE.
IT'S A FREE BAR.
RIGHT, BUT WE'RE
THROWING A MIXER WITH
THE DELTA DELTA DELTAS,
SO--
WHATZA WHATZA WHA?
THE DELTA DEL--
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT'S 10 BUCKS.
OK.
IT'S 10 BUCKS.
I'LL PAY FOR--
NO. NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
IT'S OK.
LET'S JUST PAY
AND GO INSIDE, MAN.
NO. NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT THE 10 BUCKS.
IT'S THE PRINCIPLE
OF THE THING, OK?
THAT'S WHAT THIS COUNTRY
WAS FOUNDED UPON, OK,
PRINCIPLES, PEOPLE WHO
STOOD UP FOR PRINCIPLES.
AND I WOULD RATHER
EAT 10 BUCKS
THAN PAY
TO DRINK GRASSHOPPERS
WITH TWEEDLEDEE AND
TWEEDLE-DATE-RAPE HERE.
DATE RAPE? OK.
YEAH, THAT'S
DEFINITELY DATE RAPE.
IT'S THE RED HAIR,
MAN.
YEAH, TOTALLY. GINGER RAPE.
DO THE CARPETS
MATCH THE RAPE?
YEAH, RIGHT?
RAPEY TYPE, MAYBE.
AND I WOULD RATHER
EAT THAT $10
THAN PAY TO DRINK
AT A BAR WHERE I'D
NORMALLY DRINK FOR FREE.
YOU DRINK
GRASSHOPPERS?
YOU ROOFIE PEOPLE?
[LAUGHS]
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'M GOING IN, GUYS.
WHAT?
YEAH. THAT'S
10 BUCKS RIGHT HERE.
WHY?
NO, THAT'S--
AH, OK.
COME ON.
LISTEN, ARE YOU--OK.
LISTEN, EVERYBODY,
PARTY AT MY PLACE.
FREE BOOZE,
NO COVER.
WHOA, CRICKETS, BRO.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
SAY IT AGAIN. I DON' THINK THEY HEARD YOU.
YEAH, THANK YOU,
ASSHOLE.
ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY, ONCE AGAIN,
PARTY AT MY PLACE.
FREE BOOZE,
NO COVER, AND YOU
DO NOT GET DATE RAPED.
SO LET'S THINK
ABOUT THAT.
DUDE, LET'S JUS GO INSIDE.
IT'S FINE.
LET'S JUST GO--
I LIVE THERE, TOO.
YOU'RE CUTTING ME OFF
AT THE KNEES.
IT'S MY APARTMENT,
MAN.
OK, HEY, EVERYBODY,
LAST TIME. UH,
IF YOU DO NOT COME
TO MY PARTY TONIGHT,
THEN YOU CANNOT COME
TO ANY PARTY I THROW
FOR THE RES OF THE YEAR.
WHO THE FUCK
ARE YOU?
I'M MOTHERFUCKING
JASON BOURNE.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
NICE SCARF.
LET'S DO THIS.
UM, THEY...
GUYS, GUYS, COME ON.
WE GO DOLLAR GRASSHOPPERS.
COME ON.
GIRL, WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
YEAH, OF COURSE.
YEAH, NO.
IT'S THAT WAY.
FUCKING KIDDING ME.
ALL RIGHT.
RIGHT THIS WAY. HA HA.
COME BACK.
JACOB. JACOB,
WHERE THE FUCK
ARE YOU GOING, MAN?
DUDE,
I WANNA PARTY, MAN.
YEAH, DUDE, WE GO A HUGE PARTY RIGHT HERE.
JESUS.
ALL RIGHT. WANNA GO.
[CROWD MURMURING]
[CHEERING, YELLING]
MORNING, SHANNON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?
WELL, SOMEBODY WAS
SCREAMING, "CALL ME
SHANNON" ALL NIGHT,
AND I SORT OF TOOK
A LEAP OF FAITH.
HEY, YOUR FRIEND'S
A REALLY GOOD KISSER.
YEAH, KISSER.
PLEASE DON'T LE YOUR SKIN TOUCH ANYTHING
IN MY APARTMENT.
EH?
DUDE, HEY, MAN,
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
TELL ME YOU'VE SEEN
THIS AND YOU ARE
STILL THIS CALM.
IF YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT SHANNON,
IT'S IN THE BATHROOM.
SHIT,
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
WOULD YOU CARE
TO ELABORATE,
OR SHOULD WE JUST PUSH
THE BIG RED BUTTON NOW?
THIS IS OUR GAME.
YEP, EXCEPT THA IS A WALRUS
INSTEAD OF A RABBIT.
YEAH, I CAN SEE
IT'S A WALRUS. THANK YOU.
HOW CAN THEY DO THIS?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN,
BUT THEY DID, AND NOW WE
ARE COMPLETELY FUCKED.
SALES ARE DOWN 16%.
CAN YOU PLEASE STOP
BEING SO NEGATIVE?
NEGATIVE? WHAT COULD
YOU POSSIBLY MEAN?
I'M THRILLED
OUR GAME GOT BASTARDIZED
BY A MAJOR CORPORATION
AND IS
NOW MORE SUCCESSFUL
THAN EVER BEFORE.
LOOK, SALES GO UP AND DOWN
ALL THE TIME. THIS COULD
BE TOTALLY UNRELATED.
REALLY?
YOU THINK THIS IS JUS A COINCIDENTAL NOSEDIVE
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH THE FACT THA GAMETEKK MASS-RELEASED
AN EXACT REPLICA
OF OUR GAME
16 HOURS AGO?
IT'S POSSIBLE, RIGHT?
IT'S WITHIN THE REALM
OF POSSIBILITY.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
GO TO APP WORLD.
THEY REVIEWED IT.
THEY NEVER REVIEWED "LARRY."
NOPE.
"THIS NEW APP
FROM GAMETEKK
IS A PREMIERE EXAMPLE
"OF A TRULY DELICATE
DESIGN AND ANIMATION
THAT DEMONSTRATES--"
THIS WALRUS LOOKS DEAD INSIDE.
GO TO THE BOTTOM.
"'WALLY THE WALRUS'
HAS BROKEN NEW GROUND
IN SMARTPHONE GAMING--"
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
THIS IS
FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
I'M GONNA COMMEN ALL OVER THAT ARTICLE.
PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
WHAT? WHY NOT? WHY CAN'T I?
BECAUSE WE ARE
BETTER THAN THAT.
MAYBE YOU ARE.
I AM--OH, I AM DONE.
"jjjjjjjjj
FUCK U WALLY THE WALRUS."
YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?
NO.
MM-HMM. WELL, MAYBE YOU
SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH Ks.
DUDE, WE JUST GO FUCKED BY A WALRUS.
WELL, WE ARE GONNA FUCK
THAT WALRUS RIGHT BACK.
THE OTHER DAY, I WAS
SITTING AT HOME BY MYSELF,
DRINKING ALONE,
AND I WAS THINKING
TO MYSELF, "MOTHERFUCK SHIT,
HOW COME NO ONE'S
CREATED A DRINKING GAME
THAT YOU COULD PLAY ALONE?"
THERE IS.
IT'S CALLED ALCOHOLISM,
AND YOU HAVE IT.
MM. MM. SO HERE'S
WHAT I CREATED,
DRINKING SOLITAIRE.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
HOW DO YOU PLAY IT?
SIMPLE.
YOU, UH, DRINK
WHILE PLAYING SOLITAIRE.
I HAVEN'T QUITE WORKED OU THE DETAILS YET,
BUT IT'S FUN.
WE'RE GONNA SUE.
THIS IS WHA WE'RE GONNA DO.
THIS IS
OUR GAME PLAN.
WE'RE SUING.
UH, NO, WE'RE NOT.
YEAH, WE ARE.
WE'RE GONNA SUE.
LOOK AT ME.
WE'RE GONNA SUE.
I KNOW MY UNCLE
ONCE SUED DAVID LYNCH
FOR STEALING
"MULHOLLAND DRIVE."
WHY WOULD--
THAT MOVIE
LOST MONEY.
YEAH, I GET IT,
BUT MY UNCLE
WAS LATER
DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM,
SO REST IN PEACE.
THIS IS THE THING.
THIS IS THE THING,
HARPER.
IF WE DON'T SUE,
IT'S BASICALLY
LIKE SAYING
WE VALUE OUR TIME
AT LESS THAN NOTHING.
NO, NO, NO. IT'S LIKE
PAYING GAMETEKK
FOR THE TIME THEY SPEN STEALING OUR IDEA.
LAST YEAR, 36 INDEPENDEN APP DEVELOPERS SUED
BIG COMPANIES.
NONE OF THEM SAW
A SINGLE PENNY ON SETTLEMENT.
25 WENT BANKRUPT.
YOU READ TOO MANY BLOGS.
CNN IS NOT A BLOG.
YOU GUYS WATCH TOO MANY
AARON SORKIN MOVIES.
YOU'RE KINDA LIKE,
BLAH-BLAH-BLAH
MICRO, MINI MACHINES.
CAN'T KEEP UP.
ANYHOO...
[CLEARS THROAT]
SO--SO I CALLED
KEITH SHAW.
I FEEL LIKE THAT NAME
SHOULD MEAN SOMETHING
TO ME.
WELL, IT SHOULD.
HE SET UP OUR LLC.
UH, YOU REMEMBER?
WE REALLY LIKED HIM.
HE'S A LAWYER.
DUDE, I DO NO WANT TO END UP
LIKE DANNY'S AUTISTIC UNCLE.
WE'RE NOT GONNA
END UP LIKE DANNY'S
AUTISTIC UNCLE.
OK? WE'RE JUS EXPLORING OUR OPTIONS.
TYRION LANNISTER
EXPLORES HIS OPTIONS.
I PLAY IT SAFE.
YEAH, YOU PLAY IT SAFE
LIKE NED STARK
AND END UP WITH
YOUR HEAD CHOPPED OFF IN
FRONT OF YOUR DAUGHTERS.
NOBODY WANTS THAT,
NOBODY.
THAT IS A FAIR POINT.
FINE.
LET'S EXPLORE
OUR OPTIONS.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ISN'T KEITH SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE BY NOW?
YEAH. GUESS HE'S
RUNNING LATE OR SOMETHING.
UGH.
[SIPS]
WHAT? I DIDN' SAY ANYTHING.
YEAH, I KNOW
YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
BUT YOUR GRIMACE SAYS,
"OH, THIS COFFEE
"IS THE WORST THING
THAT I'VE EVER PU IN MY MOUTH,
AND I WAN WILL AND EVERYONE
TO KNOW ABOUT IT."
I HAVE A VERY
EXPRESSIVE GRIMACE.
YEAH, SUPER EXPRESSIVE.
CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME THAT?
YEAH.
HI.
HEY.
REFILL?
UM...
NO, NO REFILL.
THANKS.
UH, BLECCH. NO.
OK.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, FEEL FREE
TO STAND IN FRON OF THE COUNTER
UNTIL YOU NEED SOMETHING.
WE CLOSE IN 5 HOURS.
YEAH, 5 HOURS.
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S NO THE BOGEYMAN ROAST,
BY ANY CHANCE, IS IT?
OH, YEAH.
OK, YOU NEED
NEW COFFEE THEN.
IT'S--IT'S TERRIBLE.
YEAH. UM, NEW COFFEE
WOULD BE GREAT.
AND ALSO I NEED
SOMETHING, LIKE,
SUPREMELY
DOUCHEY-SOUNDING FOR
MY FRIEND OVER THERE.
HE INSISTS ON GETTING
THE DOUCHIEST-SOUNDING
DRINK,
LIKE, WHEREVER WE GO.
HE DIDN'T GE THE SUAVEACCINO?
THAT'S NOT A--
IS THA A REAL THING?
SUGAR-FREE GUAVA,
HAWAIIAN ESPRESSO,
AND STEAMED
ALMOND MILK.
I'LL BRING I TO YOUR TABLE.
OK.
THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.
OH, HOW MUCH
DO I OWE YOU?
NOTHING.
IT'S ON THE HOUSE.
I MEAN, SOMEONE REALLY
SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU
ABOUT IT.
I-IT'S SHIT.
YEAH.
POOP IN MY MOUTH.
UM...
THANK YOU.
I DIDN'T MEAN...
[HUMMING]
[LAUGHS]
HEY.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
DID YOU GET ME
THE, UH, SUAVEACCINO?
REALLY REGRETTED
NOT GETTING THA THE FIRST TIME.
HUH? OH, UM,
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
UH, BUT KEITH'S NO GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE IT.
UM, BUSY...
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO.
UH, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,
I'M GONNA HANG
FOR A SECOND.
I'M GONNA HANG
FOR A SECOND,
JUST, YOU KNOW--
AND JUST PEOPLE WATCH
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
JUST WATCH PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW,
BE IN MY OWN HEAD SPACE.
[SNIFFS] YEAH.
OK, SEE YA.
YEP. YES, INDEED.
CAN I HELP YOU?
UH, YEAH.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE--
THE OTHER GIRL
THAT WAS WORKING HERE?
SHE TURNED BLACK.
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?
OF COURSE.
OF COURSE SHE DID.
THANK YOU.
OH, SHOOT, I COMPLETELY
FORGOT TO GIVE YOU
YOUR SUAVEACCINO.
AH, LOOK,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
MY FRIEND,
HE HAD TO BOUNCE,
SO DON'T SWEAT IT.
WELL, I MEAN,
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
OH, THAT'S--OH.
ALL RIGHT.
OH, MY GOD.
HAH.
THAT BAD?
NO, IT'S SO GOOD.
IT'S SO GOOD.
IT'S SO GOOD.
I'M GONNA HAVE MORE.
WELL, I GUESS THA MAKES YOU A DOUCHEBAG.
RIGHT? BUT AT LEAS NOW YOU KNOW.
I ALREADY KNEW.
I KNOW.
I KNOW YOU DID. YEP.
UH, YOU SURE YOU
DON'T WANT ANY HELP
WITH THAT OR ANY--
NOPE. I'M GOOD.
BUILDS CHARACTER.
PLUS, IT'S MORE
SATISFYING TO SHOWER
WHEN YOU SMELL
LIKE WET GARBAGE.
HERE. I'M GONNA
HELP WITH, UH...
WHATEVER HELPS YOU
FEEL MORE LIKE A MAN.
YEAH. THIS--
MAN, THIS REEKS
OF ONIONS.
JUST WOW.
OH, GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON
TO DISCOVER ONION
AND BE LIKE, "THIS SMELL
LITERALLY MAKES ME CRY.
WE SHOULD EAT THIS"?
YEAH,
NOT A FAN OF ONIONS.
I LIKE I IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT,
BUT I CAN ALSO RECOGNIZE
ITS REPULSIVE QUALITIES.
YEAH, I FEEL
THE SAME WAY ABOU MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
HEY, WATCH THIS.
FROM DOWNTOWN.
OH, GOD, DON'T.
UH...
WELL,
IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU LIKE ONIONS.
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE
SUCH A SATISFYING
SHOWER TONIGHT.
I'M SO SORRY.
OH! WHAT?!
AH, SO MILKY!
OH, IT SMELLS SO BAD!
AHH!
HOW'S IT FEEL?
IT'S ALL MILKY!
OH, GOD, IT SMELLS.
IT'S MILKY!
[LAUGHS]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
[YELLS]
DUDE, I'M LOVING
THE CHANGES YOU MADE
ON THE SECOND LEVEL.
I TOLD YOU
THAT YELLOW WAS OFF.
CHARTREUSE NEVER MADE
ANYBODY ANY FRIENDS.
NOPE.
OOPS.
PROUD LARRY.
HI. IS THIS WILL?
WILL ARDEN,
FOUNDER OF PROUD LARRY,
INCORPORATED.
COFOUNDER, DICKHEAD.
SHUT UP.
CONGRATULATIONS, WILL.
YOU HAVE WON
A FREE YEAR OF COFFEE
AT TRENDZ CAFE.
OH, HEY. I THOUGH YOU SOUNDED FAMILIAR.
UM, IS IT WEIRD
THAT I RECOGNIZE
THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE?
IS IT WEIRD
THAT YOUR BUSINESS HAS
A REALLY WEIRD NAME?
WELL, IF THA IS HOW YOU FEEL,
THEN I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN YOUR COFFEE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
BYE.
NO, WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.
I AM INTERESTED!
I'M VERY INTERESTED.
YES, I AM INTERESTED.
TOTALLY JUST LOVE
FREE STUFF.
UM, SO HOW DO I CLAIM
THE REWARD?
YOU JUST LET US
POST YOUR PICTURE
ON OUR IDIOT WALL.
DEAL. AND, UH,
JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I HAVE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THE SUAVEACCINO
ALL WEEKEND.
OH, I GOTTA GO.
HI.
SHE DUG MY NAME OU FROM A BOWL FULL
OF BUSINESS CARDS.
SHE MUST BE
REALLY INTO YOU.
HOW MANY BUSINESS CARDS
DID YOU PUT IN THAT BOWL?
ABOUT 30.
MM-HMM.
DUDE, FREE COFFEE!
WHOO-HOO!
I HOPE FREE COFFEE
ISN'T LIKE YOU GE ONE SMALL COFFEE
EVERY TWO WEEKS.
I WANT MY FREE SHI TO BE WORTH SOMETHING.
YEAH,
REMIND ME WHY YOU'RE
INVOLVING YOURSELF
IN MY PERSONAL AFFAIRS.
MY NAME IS ALSO
ON THAT BUSINESS CARD,
AND I LOVE COFFEE,
AND IT IS WAITING FOR ME.
DID YOU SEE HER
THE OTHER DAY?
[SIGHS]
HEH. YEAH.
YEAH. I MEAN,
YOU'RE LUCKY SHE TOOK
THE TRASH INCIDENT SO WELL.
LAST GIRL I DATED
CALLED THE COPS WHEN
I GAVE HER FLOWERS.
THAT'S 'CAUSE IT WAS
A FUNERAL BOUQUET.
BECAUSE I LOVED HER
TO DEATH.
WHY DOES
NOBODY GET THAT?
NOPE. WE GET IT.
OH, MAN,
DO WE GET IT.
YOU CAN ONLY PU ONE CARD IN THE BOWL.
IT'S AN OFFICIAL RULE.
IT'S UNSPOKEN.
WELL, OFFICIAL RULES
CAN'T BE UNSPOKEN,
ALL RIGHT?
THE MIRANDA RIGHTS
EXIST FOR A REASON.
SORRY.
PROUD LARRY.
KEITH.
NO WAY.
WHAT'S UP?
HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
HARPER.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HEY, MAN.
NOW YOU
SHOW UP, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING HERE?
WE WON FREE COFFEE.
COFFEE.
AH.
HEY, UM, SORRY I HAD
TO CANCEL THE OTHER DAY.
I JUST GET CALLED IN
ON WEEKENDS SOMETIMES.
YEAH, WELL,
WE COULD TALK NOW.
CAN'T.
UM, I'M JUST HERE
TO PICK UP
MY GIRLFRIEND FOR LUNCH,
AND THEN I GOTTA
GO BACK TO THE OFFICE,
BUT LISTEN.
I DEFINITELY WANT TO WORK
ON THIS GAMETEKK THING.
REALLY?
THAT'S AMAZING.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, WE SET UP
PROUD LARRY TOGETHER.
WE CAN'T LET BIG BUSINESS
TAKE HIM DOWN
WITHOUT A FIGHT.
NO, MAN.
YEAH.
HEY.
HEY.
OH.
UM...
UH, HEY,
IT'S YOU AGAIN.
THAT'S--HA.
UM, UP TOP.
I TAKE IT YOU GUYS
KNOW EACH OTHER.
UM, YEAH. WE ME THE OTHER DAY.
SHE INTRODUCED ME
TO THE SUAVEACCINO.
AH, YES,
THE DOUCHE DRINK.
YEAH, IT'S AWESOME,
RIGHT?
YEAH.
SO YOU TWO
ARE DATING.
YEAH, ALMOST,
UM, 3 YEARS NOW.
3 YEARS.
WOW.
HOW DID WE
NOT KNOW THAT?
I--I HAVE NO IDEA.
WELL, A CAREER IN LAW
IS THE DEATH
OF MANY FRIENDSHIPS.
YEAH.
IN FACT,
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING FOR LUNCH?
WE SHOULD ALL
HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER.
YEP. LET ME
JUST GO CLOCK OUT.
LOOK, MAN, LOOK,
THANKS FOR INVITING US,
BUT--
WE SHOULD.
NO, WE DON'T WAN TO INTRUDE.
THERE'S A LO OF THINGS WE'VE
GOTTA BE DOING.
WE GOT A LIST,
A TO-DO LIST.
PROBABLY THE WORST IDEA
WOULD BE TO STAY.
WE CAN' BARELY SIT.
IF YOU WANTED US
TO BE HERE--
WE COULD--
YEAH, JUST TELL A--
WE WOULD DENY YOU.
WE COULD
DO IT LATER.
PLEASE, PLEASE.
SOPHIE'S GONNA
LOVE YOU GUYS.
OK, YEAH.
OK.
HEH.
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
NO, BUT IT WAS
AN AMAZING CONCERT.
YEAH, BUT IT WAS
JUST KIND OF
EMBARRASSING
THAT AIR GUITAR
IS PART OF OUR
"HOW WE MET" STORY.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
WHATEVER.
I AM STILL KNOWN
TO, UH...
[IMITATES GUITAR]
RIP AROUND
A LITTLE BIT.
YEAH.
[IMITATES GUITAR]
AH, KILLER RIFF.
SO GOOD.
THAT'S SUCH A GOOD RIFF.
IT'S KILLING ME.
I WOULD NO LOOK THAT COOL
DOING SOMETHING
ACTUALLY COOL.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU PLAY A REALLY MEAN
AIR HARMONICA.
OR WAS IT--
YEAH, AIR HARMONICA.
HE LOVES IT,
DOES IT ALL THE TIME.
REALLY?
ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC,
LIKE, REALLY LOUDLY
IN PUBLIC,
HE DOES THAT. DO IT.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT.
YOU SHOULD DO THAT NOW.
[BABBLING MELODICALLY]
YEAH,
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
WOW, THAT'S, UM--
THAT'S...
WHOA. THAT'S GREAT.
YEAH, HE USES
A LOT OF TONGUE.
THERE'S A LOT OF TONGUE
IN HIS HARMONICA.
THAT'S A NORMAL THING.
I THINK YOU'RE
JUST JEALOUS
OF THIS TALENT.
LIKE A BLIND,
RETARDED PERSON
EATING ORANGE.
[BELCHES]
INHERENT TALENT.
I THINK THA I CAN ACTUALLY
WORK WITH THAT.
COUNT IT OFF.
1, 2, 3.
[IMITATING GUITAR]
[IMITATING HARMONICA]
THINK THEY COULD HAVE
CHOSEN A BIGGER FONT?
YEAH, THEY COULD HAVE,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
BIGGER THEY ARE,
HARDER THEY FALL.
CAN'T BELIEVE WE GO A SETTLEMENT MEETING
IN LESS THAN A WEEK.
YEAH, I TOLD YOU THIS WAS
A GREAT IDEA, MAN.
KEITH ROCKS.
YEAH.
STOP COVETING
HIS GIRLFRIEND THEN.
I'M NOT. THAT--
WOULD YOU
STOP SAYING THAT?
I'M NOT COVETING
ANYTHING.
GUYS, SORRY I'M LATE.
CRAZY DAY.
DUDE, WE CAN'T EVEN
BELIEVE YOU GOT US
A MEETING,
SO THANK YOU.
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK A SETTLEMEN IS BY FAR THE BEST OPTION
FOR YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW,
FULL-ON LAWSUITS ARE LIKE
RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE
PAPERWORK OLYMPICS,
AND I JUST DON' THINK LARRY HAS
THE STAMINA FOR IT.
WHAT I'M SAYING
IS YOU'D BE FUCKED.
GENTLEMEN,
THEY'RE READY TO SEE YOU.
PLEASE FOLLOW ME.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
FEELING GOOD ABOU THIS MEETING.
GOT A FRIEND
ON THE GAMETEKK
LEGAL TEAM, ERIC.
HE'LL PROBABLY TAKE
THE LEAD ON THIS ONE.
LOOK, THE RES OF THESE CORPORATE GUYS,
IT'S LIKE THE MINDS
OF CHILDREN.
ALL THEY THINK
ABOUT IS ASTHMA AND
COMPETITIVE MATH?
SOMEONE HAD
A FUN CHILDHOOD.
I'LL LET YOU IN
ON A LITTLE SECRET.
IMAGINARY FRIENDS
WILL NOT HAVE
YOUR BACK IN A FIGHT.
NO MATTER HOW CLOSE
YOU THINK YOU ARE,
THEY WILL RUN,
AND THEY WILL HIDE.
SORRY, GUYS.
TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER
TO WORK DAY.
THIS ONE'S
A YOUNG C.E.O.
IN THE MAKING.
YOU DON'T MIND,
DO YOU?
NOT AT ALL.
MOST OF OUR CLIENTS
ARE SIXTH GRADERS.
I TAKE MATH
WITH NINTH GRADERS.
I'M PRACTICALLY
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU DO MATHLETES?
WHEN AM I NO DOING MATHLETES?
OK, UM, WHERE'S ERIC?
YEAH, UH, ERIC NEEDED
A LITTLE ME TIME.
IT'S ALL
HAPPY AND FUN.
OK.
GENTLEMEN.
WHILE WE AGREE
THERE ARE SOME SIMILARITIES
BETWEEN THE GAMES,
THERE ARE
FAR MORE DIFFERENCES.
OURS FEATURES A WALRUS,
AND YOUR FEATURES A--
A RABBIT.
UH, YES, WE KNOW.
THANK YOU.
CAN I ASK
A QUESTION?
UM, GO AHEAD.
YOU THINK
MY FATHER STOLE
YOUR VIDEO GAME?
NO, NO. LOOK--
NO, I DON'T THINK
THAT YOUR DAD STOLE--
I DON'T THINK
YOUR DAD'S A THIEF, OK,
BUT HIS BOSSES ARE,
YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, YOU'RE WEARING
A SHIRT, OK?
YES.
SO AM I.
AND THEY'RE
DIFFERENT COLORS,
BUT THEY'RE BOTH
STILL SHIRTS
WITH BUTTONS
AND SLEEVES, RIGHT?
LOOK, I'M SORRY, GUYS.
LOOK, THIS YOUNG PERSON
CAN BABBLE INCOHERENTLY
ABOUT SHIRTS AND BUTTONS
ALL SHE WANTS,
BUT WE'RE
HERE TO DISCUSS
A SETTLEMENT, OK?
AND FRANKLY,
HER PRESENCE IN THIS
MEETING IS INSULTING.
[CRYING]
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
LACIE, COULD YOU
GET MY DAUGHTER
SOME ICE CREAM, PLEASE?
[CONTINUES CRYING]
DON'T CRY.
COME ON, DEAR.
THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE
ANY SETTLEMENT.
WE DON'T THINK
YOU HAVE GROUNDS
FOR A SUIT.
NOW, IF YOU NEED US
TO PROVE THAT IN COURT,
THEN LE THE PAPERWORK BEGIN.
BUT LISTEN.
WE'RE REALLY
IMPRESSED WITH
YOUR GAME.
AND WE'D LIKE
TO OFFER YOU JOBS,
LEAD DEVELOPERS
HERE AT GAMETEKK,
FULL SALARIES,
BENEFITS.
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
UH, WE'D ACTUALLY LIKE
TO THINK ABOUT IT. UM,
BUT HE'S RIGHT, PROBABLY NO,
BUT WE WOULD
LIKE SOME TIME
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
NO, NO, WE DON'T NEED
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WE DON'T NEED TO THINK
ABOUT IT AT ALL.
WE OWN 100%
OF PROUD LARRY.
WE GET FULL SALARIES,
AND OUR HEALTH INSURANCE
IS TOP-NOTCH,
BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR IMPLYING OTHERWISE.
UH, WE'D LIKE SOME TIME
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WELL, YEAH.
SO IT SOUNDS LIKE
THEY'RE GONNA
THINK ABOUT IT.
DUDE, WAIT UP.
YOU WAN TO THINK ABOUT IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T WAN TO SET A BRIDGE ON FIRE
FOR THE SAKE OF IT.
SO YOU'D RATHER
WORK FOR A BOSS
WHO THINKS YOUR NAME
IS THAT GUY WITH
THE IRONIC T-SHIRTS?
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.
MAYBE I LIKE I WHEN PEOPLE
NOTICE MY T-SHIRTS.
GUYS, HEY, LOOK,
DON'T WORRY, OK?
THEY'RE GONNA
TAKE US SERIOUSLY
ONCE THEY SEE
THE FORMAL COMPLAINT.
OK? CALL THE OFFICE.
LET'S SET UP
AN APPOINTMEN TO MEET NEXT WEEK,
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
OK?
[SIGHS]
SO YOU WANNA
GRAB A PRETZEL
OR SOMETHING?
CAN'T. THAT GIRL SHANNON
KEEPS TEXTING ME
TO HANG OUT.
I TOLD HER
WE'D GRAB DINNER
OR SOMETHING.
YEAH, WELL,
YOU DON'T SOUND
TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
SHE MIGHT BE CRAZY.
TOO SOON TO TELL.
YESTERDAY, SHE TEXTED ME
18 TIMES IN 2 MINUTES.
NO, THAT SOUNDS
PERFECTLY NORMAL.
YEAH, WELL, AT LEAS SHE'S NOT DATING OUR LAWYER.
YEAH. SHUT UP.
SO I WAS EATING
MY PRETZEL,
AND I LOOKED OVER,
AND I SAW THIS GUY
ALSO EATING ONE,
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF
IF I WAS A TOTALLY
DIFFERENT PERSON,
I WOULD GO UP TO HIM
AND TALK TO HIM
ABOUT HOW AMAZING
THE PRETZELS ARE HERE.
AND THEN YOU BECAME
A TOTALLY DIFFEREN PERSON?
WELL, NO,
I SAW IT WAS YOU.
OH, RIGHT. COME HERE.
I, UH--I HEARD ABOU THE SETTLEMENT MEETING.
YEAH.
IF IT'S
ANY CONSOLATION,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE RIGH TO NOT TAKE THE JOB.
I MEAN, I HOPE SO.
I MEAN,
I WOULD GO THE GRAVE
DEFENDING PROUD LARRY.
I MEAN, IF I WERE YOU.
SO YOU THINK
YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR IT.
NO! I MEAN,
I USE THE INTERNET,
AND I HAD
A FACEBOOK
AND A SECOND
FACEBOOK ACCOUNT FOR
MY BOLDER ALTER EGO
AND A TWITTER ACCOUN UNDER MY MOM'S NAME,
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST REALIZED IT WAS
SUCKING MY LIFE AWAY.
I MEAN, I FOUND MYSELF
50 PHOTOS DEEP IN
SOME STRANGER'S PROFILE,
AND I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT AM I DOING?"
[LAUGHS]
PLUS I HAVE, LIKE,
3 ACTUAL FRIENDS,
SO I DON'T REALLY NEED
A WHOLE VIRTUAL BOOK
TO KEEP TRACK
OF THEIR LIVES.
WHO IS
THE BOLDER ALTER EGO?
OK, HER NAME IS
SOPHIA PISATSKI.
MM-HMM.
SHE'S A MEXICAN JEW...
WOW.
AND AN ORPHAN WITH
A SMALL CRIMINAL PAST.
NEEDY AND UNSTABLE.
I MEAN, SHE SOUNDS
LIKE MY TYPE.
HA! OH, YOU HAVE A TYPE?
OH, I DO NOW,
AND JUST TO BE FAIR,
I IMAGINE SOPHIA TO BE
MUCH MORE VOLUPTUOUS
THAN YOU.
[LAUGHS]
OBVIOUSLY.
AND WITH AN ACCENT,
AND ODDLY
I PICTURE HER
WEARING GLASSES.
WHAT? HOW DID
YOU KNOW THAT?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
IF MY FATHER WERE
A HANDSOME POLE
WHO UNWITTINGLY
KNOCKED UP A PROSTITUTE
IN CANCUN, I FEEL--
WHOA, WHOA. NO, NO.
SOPHIA'S MOTHER
IS FROM ACAPULCO,
THANK YOU.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
OK?
AND HALF
OF HER FATHER'S FACE
WAS DISFIGURED
IN THE WAR.
BUT, I MEAN, HE USED TO BE
JUST HANDSOME, RIGHT,
JUST HANDSOME.
I GUESS.
WHAT WAR?
WHAT?
WHAT WAR?
YOU KNOW...
A WAR,
THE KIND
THAT THEY HAVE.
RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KNOW, HISTORICALLY,
THERE HAVEN'T BEEN
THAT MANY CONFLICTS
THAT INVOLVED POLAND, SO...
OK, LOOK, SHE'S NO A REAL PERSON,
SO I DIDN'T FEEL
OBLIGATED TO GIVE HER
A CREDIBLE BACKSTORY.
NO, WELL, MAYBE HE
WAS A RELATIVELY YOUNG
WORLD WAR II VETERAN,
LIKE DIAPER YOUNG,
AND HE JUST HAD
A VERY HIGH SPERM COUNT.
THERE YOU GO. HA HA.
IS IT WRONG THAT I WAN ANOTHER PRETZEL
RIGHT NOW?
NO, I WOULD THINK
SIGNIFICANTLY LESS OF YOU
IF YOU DIDN'T.
OH. UM, WOW,
I--I GOTTA GET GOING.
OH, UH, WELL,
THEN I GUESS
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
YEAH.
UH, HEY,
UM...
YES?
YEAH. OK.
OK.
OK.
WHAT?
UH, ALL RIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
ALL RIGHT.
OK. [LAUGHS]
SOPHIA PISATSKI WOULD
ASK YOU FOR YOUR NUMBER
SO WE COULD
HANG OUT AGAIN,
'CAUSE IT WAS FUN.
WELL, I'M GONNA
GIVE SOPHIA MUCH MORE
THAN MY NUMBER.
I REGRET THAT.
THAT WAS WEIRD.
HONESTLY, I JUST WAN TO FACEBOOK STALK YOU,
BUT YOU LIVE
IN THE 19th CENTURY,
SO I CAN'T DO THAT.
I ALREADY HAVE
A WILL IN HERE.
DO YOU GO BY ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, I DO NOT.
WILLY? WILLIAM?
NO. NOPE.
WILLIAM IV?
NO. NOT--
YES. NO, THAT'S CLOSE,
BUT NEVER.
BIG DOUB? NO?
BIG DOUB? I LIKE THAT.
NO, HOW OFTEN DO YOU TALK
TO THIS WILL IN HERE?
NEVER.
NEVER?
I MEAN, HE SUCKS.
THAT'S A LOT,
SO I'M JUST GONNA GO AHEAD
AND DELETE--OOPS.
UM, HOW DID
THAT HAPPEN?
AND THERE WE GO.
AND...
THERE.
THANK YOU.
YEAH.
OK.
MM-HMM.
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
[FOOT THUMPS]
OH, I'M--
YEP. HEH.
NICE WALKING.
OH, HEY. OH, SORRY.
I WAS--
I WAS JUST KIDDING
ABOUT THE FACEBOOK
STALKING THING.
UM, I JUST USE
THE INTERNET FOR BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BIDNESS. WHAT?
NO, I DON'T--
JUST BUSINESS.
JUST BUSINESS!
HA.
OK, WE TRIED
FOR A SETTLEMENT.
NOW WE FILE
A FORMAL COMPLAINT,
DEFEND OUR DIGNITY.
I'M NOT MUCH
OF A DIGNITY GUY, ACTUALLY.
MONEY'S GOOD, THOUGH.
MONEY, I LIKE.
LOOK, MAN, WE ARE
GONNA WIN THIS THING,
AND THEN GAMETEKK
IS GONNA BE PAYING US
NOT TO WORK FOR THEM,
PAYING US.
OR WE BECOME DESTITUTE
AND LOSE WHAT LITTLE RESPEC OUR PARENTS
MIGHT HAVE MUSTERED
FOR OUR SO-CALLED CAREERS.
NO, LISTEN,
I GOTTA GO, OK?
ME AND SOPHIE
ARE GONNA CATCH
A HIGH-SCHOOL
BASEBALL GAME.
WHAT? YOU'RE STILL
HANGING OUT WITH HER?
YEAH, MAN. JUST 'CAUSE
SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND
DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE
CAN'T BE FRIENDS.
IT'S--IT'S
THE MODERN ERA, MAN.
MEN AND WOMEN
CAN DO THESE THINGS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HI.
HI.
UM, IS SOPHIE HERE?
YEAH. UM, YOU MUST BE WILL.
COME IN.
UH, YOU ARE...
I'M VANESSA.
I LIVE HERE, TOO.
OK.
YEP.
I THOUGH YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN,
LIKE, A BUTLER
FOR A SECOND.
OH.
NO?
UM, SIT.
OK.
SOPHIE'LL BE OFFENDED
IF YOU DON'T AC LIKE HER COUCH
WAS CRAFTED
BY MAGICIANS.
I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT MAGICIANS
MADE FURNITURE.
[LAUGHS]
YEAH.
OH.
THAT'S FUNNY.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S...
RIGHT?
THIS IS MAGICAL.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
IT'S LIKE
KEEBLER ELVES
MADE THIS.
HEY, CAN I JUST SAY
IT'S VERY NICE
TO MEET YOU?
OH?
YEAH.
IS IT REALLY, THOUGH?
UH, WELL,
YOU CAUGHT ME.
UH, I'M LYING.
NO, IT'S NOT--
IT'S NOT BAD
TO MEET YOU.
BUT, LIKE, HOW MANY PEOPLE
THAT YOU'VE ME HAVE YOU
TRULY REGRETTED MEETING,
YOU KNOW?
UM, SERIOUSLY?
YEAH.
SERIOUSLY REGRETTED?
OK. ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO THERE.
OK.
I WAS 7 YEARS OLD,
SARASOTA, FLORIDA,
FRIEND'S
BIRTHDAY PARTY.
UH-OH.
THEY HIRED, UM,
THE ACTUAL GUY WHO PLAYS
RONALD McDONALD.
NO WAY.
YEAH, GENUINELY,
GENUINELY TERRIFYING.
REALLY?
ARE YOU ALREADY
TELLING HER
YOUR RONALD McDONALD
STORY?
HE WAS SO LANKY.
WHOA.
HE WAS SO LANKY.
WELL, IT LOOKS
LIKE IT'S OVER.
UH, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THAT.
[LAUGHS]
AH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I MEAN, I HAVE A HABI OF ARRIVING RIGH AT THE END OF THINGS.
HMM.
YEAH.
IS THAT GIRL CRYING?
UH, YEAH. I THINK
SHE'S CRYING.
WELL, SHOULD WE
DO SOMETHING?
UM...
YEAH. WE SHOULD
GO TALK TO HER
OR SOMETHING.
MAYBE
SHE'S NOT CRYING.
[CRYING]
Will: NO, SHE IS
DEFINITELY CRYING.
WELL, WE SHOULD
PROBABLY LEAVE HER ALONE.
I MEAN, I KNOW
WHEN I'M CRYING,
I DON'T WANT TO SEE
OR TALK TO ANYBODY.
OK, BUT SOMETIMES
WHEN YOU'RE ALONE,
LIKE, WHEN I'M
ALONE, LIKE, CRYING,
LIKE, SOMETIMES
ALL I WANT IS A HUG.
DO YOU WANT A HUG?
YES. WHAT--NO. NO.
NO, NO, NO. I'M FINE.
I'M FINE. I DON'T NEED A HUG.
THESE ARMS ARE
MADE FOR HUGGING.
THANK YOU.
THEY WERE.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY--
WE SHOULD PROBABLY
JUST LET HER BE, RIGHT?
BUT WHAT IF
SHE'S REALLY SAD?
YOU KNOW? AND, LIKE,
IT'S SOMETHING
SHE CAN'T,
LIKE, TALK
TO HER PARENTS ABOU OR HER TEACHERS
OR EVEN HER FRIENDS.
YEAH, WHAT IF IT'S
LIKE THE WORST DAY
OF HER LIFE?
WE HAVE TO TALK
TO HER.
WE DO.
WE HAVE TO TALK
TO HER.
WE HAVE TO.
YEAH.
OK. LET'S GO.
WAIT. OK.
HUDDLE UP.
ARE YOU SURE
THAT, LIKE,
YOU SHOULDN' GO THIS ALONE?
DO YOU KNOW?
WHY?
BECAUSE
WHAT IF SHE'S
ON HER PERIOD?
OK? AND THIS IS
LIKE SOME SOR OF PERIOD CRY?
HOLD ON. SO YOU THINK
THAT SHE'S HERE
ALONE ON THE BLEACHERS
AFTER A BASEBALL GAME
CRYING OVER HER PERIOD?
YEP. OH, YEAH.
REALLY?
IF I WERE
ON MY PERIOD,
THAT'S ALL
I WOULD DO.
OK.
I'D JUST CRY
ALL THE TIME.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD
GO OVER THERE ALONE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
A DECENT-LOOKING GUY.
DECENT?
YOU CAN--
HANDSOME. ATTRACTIVE.
DECENT?
BEAUTIFUL, WHATEVER
YOU WANT TO CALL--
THESE ARE OK.
I'M FINE WITH ALL
OF THESE TERMS.
THESE ARE ALL RIGHT.
BUT JUST TELL HER
THAT BOYS SUCK AND
SHE'S PRETTY OR SOMETHING.
IF I GO OVER AND
TELL A 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL
THAT SHE'S PRETTY,
I AM GONNA SPEND
THE NIGHT, SEVERAL
NIGHTS IN PRISON
GETTING RAPED
BY SOME LARGE MAN
NAMED D-TONE.
SO TAKE IT EASY.
OK.
HI.
WHO ARE YOU?
UH, LOOK,
WE WERE STARING
AT YOU...
CRYING.
LOOK, WE--
I'D OFFER YOU
A TISSUE,
BUT I HAD
A REALLY BIG CRY
TODAY MYSELF
WATCHING
"TOY STORY 3,"
SO I'M ALL OUT.
SORRY.
THAT MOVIE IS SO SAD.
SHH. THIS AIN' ABOUT YOU.
RIGHT. UM...
ARE YOU OK?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE
A PARTY TOMORROW,
AND THIS GUY
THAT I REALLY LIKE
WAS GOING TO COME...
BUT NOW HE CAN'T.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MY GRANDMA DIED.
OH, SHIT.
AND I JUST FEEL
REALLY TERRIBLE, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T BE UPSE ABOUT MY STUPID PARTY,
BUT I AM.
AND IT'S NOT THA I DON'T LOVE MY GRANDMA,
AND I DON'T WANNA GO HOME,
BECAUSE MY PARENTS
THINK I'M CRYING
ABOUT NANA, AND I'M NOT.
AND I'M PROBABLY
GOING TO HELL.
I LIKE YOUR SHIRT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH ME?
LOOK, UM...
I STARTED
A FOREST FIRE ONCE.
WHAT?
YEAH.
YEAH, ON MY MOM'S
BIRTHDAY.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
BUT, UH, YOU KNOW,
I WAS OUT IN THE WOODS
IN THE BACK OF MY HOUSE
PLAYING WITH MY BUNNIES,
JUST TRYING TO KEEP 'EM
WARM, YOU KNOW,
AND ONE THING
LED TO ANOTHER,
AND THEN JUS ALL THE SCREAMING,
AND, WELL,
IT WAS AWKWARD.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS
REAL AWKWARD
TRYING TO LIGH THOSE CANDLES WITH
ALL THE FIREMEN ABOUT,
LITTLE BUNNY BODIES
EVERYWHERE.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
MY MOM STILL LOVED ME,
YOU KNOW?
SO YOU THINK
I'M NOT THE WORS PERSON EVER?
NO. I MEAN,
NOT THE WORST.
YOU'RE NOT HITLER.
NO. [LAUGHS]
I'M KIDDING.
LOOK, I'M KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING.
NO, YOU'RE
NOT THE WORST.
IT'S--YOU'RE A KID.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE GONNA
FEEL BETTER. YOU WILL.
I PROMISE YOU THIS.
I SWEAR.
I SWEAR ON IT. OK?
IT JUST TAKES TIME.
IN FACT,
WHY DON'T YOU TELL
YOUR LITTLE GUY CRUSH
ALL ABOU YOUR DEAD GRANDMA,
TRY AND GET A LITTLE
PITY FRENCH KISS
OUT OF THE SITUATION.
[LAUGHS]
WILL!
THAT'LL PICK YOU UP.
LITTLE BIT OF KISSING
NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOUR GRANDMA
WOULD APPROVE.
I PROMISE YOU.
[BOTH LAUGH]
DO YOU FEEL
ANY BETTER?
YEAH.
THANKS, GUYS.
GOOD.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT, OK?
GO MAKE OU WITH THAT GUY.
THINK ABOUT US.
IT WAS NICE
MEETING YOU.
YEAH.
YOU SEE, THE TRICK
IS TO JUST PRESS
ANY AND EVERY BUTTON.
THAT'S NO HOW THESE GAMES
WERE BUILT.
IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
THERE'S NO SENSE.
WELL, LOOK AT THAT.
BOOM! JUST HIT YOU
IN THE FACE WITH HIS DREADLOCK.
YOU GUYS DOING
SOME "TEKKEN"?
"TEKKEN" IT UP?
YEAH. HOLD ON.
SHUT UP, MAN. HOLD ON.
OH, OH, OH.
AH, AH, AH.
BAM!
WHAT THE--DANNY.
DROPKICK.
THAT'S JUST SO...
VIOLENT.
SO RIGHT IN THE DICK
IS WHAT IT IS.
YEAH,
THAT WAS PAINFUL
ON A LOT OF PLACES.
FELT NICE.
AH.
WHAT'D SHE SAY?
WHAT'D WHO SAY?
AH, SHANNON.
WHO?
YEAH, THAT LUNATIC CHICK
HE MET AT THE PARTY
THE OTHER NIGHT.
SHE'S ALREADY
TEXTED HIM, LIKE, WHAT,
27--
29 TIMES ALREADY TODAY.
"HEY, HARPER,
GREAT DINNER
LAST NIGHT."
THAT SEEMS
INNOCENT ENOUGH.
YEAH, MAYBE
THE FIRST 10 TIMES.
DUDE, YOU GOTTA
DROP THAT CHICK MAN.
JUST SAYING,
JUST DROP THE CHICK.
DROP HER.
SHE'S A WEIRDO.
SHE'S A LIABILITY, OK?
HIT HER WITH BUS,
A SCHOOL BUS.
SAY THE DRIVER DID IT.
YEAH, SHE IS
SO DESPERATE, THOUGH.
MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE A GOD.
BOOM!
WHAT? COME ON!
YOU SEE WHAT PRESSING
ANY AND EVERY BUTTON
GETS YOU?
THAT DOESN'T--
I'M NOT--
I'M NOT EVEN LOOKING,
AND I GUARANTEE YOU
I'M WINNING.
THERE'S A TALENT.
THERE IS SOME--
THAT IS A FACE
YOU ARE MAKING.
I RESENT IT IN ALL SORTS
OF CAPACITIES.
WE SHOULD--WE SHOULD
NOT BE FRIENDS FOREVER,
BECAUSE--
YOU WANT IN ON THIS?
NAH, MAN.
ACTUALLY I GOTTA GO.
YOU SURE?
WHERE YOU GOTTA GO?
YOU GOTTA GO BONE
KEITH'S GIRLFRIEND
LIKE YOU'RE NO SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?
YOU TOLD DANNY?
WELL, I MEAN,
IT WAS ONLY NATURAL.
HE DIDN' TELL ME ANYTHING.
HE JUST SAID
THAT YOU TWO
ARE JUST FRIENDS.
YOU LIKE HANGING OU WITH GIRLS YOU WAN TO HAVE SEX WITH,
YOU SHOULDN'T BE HAVING
SEX WITH 'EM. I GET IT.
YEAH, JUST FRIENDS.
YEAH, JUST FRIENDS.
[PLAYING POORLY]
I'M--I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
I'M GONNA TRY THA AGAIN, OK?
HEY.
HI.
HOW YOU DOING?
IS EVERYTHING OK?
YOU SEEM
A LITTLE ANGRY
AT YOUR PHONE.
NO. UH, I WAS SUPPOSED
TO GO TO THE ZOO
WITH KEITH ON SATURDAY,
BUT WORK.
OH. WOW, THAT GUITARIS IS REAL BAD, HUH?
IT'S NOT TUNED.
I HAVE TO TUNE IT,
YOU KNOW.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU POKE FUN,
BUT SOPHIA PISATSKI
LOVES MEN WHO ARE
BAD AT GUITAR.
YEAH?
[WITH ACCENT]
WELL, WILMER PAZ
LOVES WOMEN
WHO LOVES MEN
WHO ARE BAD
AT GUITAR.
WILMER PAZ?
WHAT? YOU DIDN'T THINK
YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE
WITH A FOREIGN
INTERNET PERSONA,
DID YOU?
COME ON.
OK, WILMER PAZ
IS A PEASANT,
AND SOPHIA WOULD
NEVER GO FOR HIM.
OK, HE MIGHT BE
THE ONE-EYED BASTARD SON
OF AN IMPOVERISHED,
LEGLESS BAKER
FROM A SMALL TOWN
IN THE ANALUCAS,
BUT I WILL TELL YOU
WHEN YOU MEE WILMER PAZ
AND YOU LOOK IN HIS
ONE SOFT TURD-BROWN EYE,
YOU MARK MY PALABRAS,
YOU ARE GONNA
FORGET ALL ABOU THAT CHUBBY
LITTLE GUITARIST.
OH, REALLY?
WILMER PAZ...
HE KNOWS NO DEFEAT.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
SORRY, SORRY.
ONE MORE TIME.
IT IS FINE, RONALDO.
YOU MAKE SUCH SWEET MUSIC
WITH YOUR EYES ALONE.
SOPHIA, IT IS I, WILMER.
[GASPS]
THE BAKER'S SON.
I AM HERE FOR YOU,
MY LOVE.
HERE. I BROUGHT YOU
THIS BREAD.
SOPHIA DOES
LIKE BREAD.
THE BREAD IS
DELICIOUS, THANK YOU.
BUT I DOUB MY LOVER RONALDO
WILL BE PLEASED
WITH YOUR ARRIVAL.
HE CAN HAVE
SOME BREAD, TOO.
OH, WILMER, IT IS
NOT ABOUT THE BREAD.
I CHALLENGE YOU
TO A CRAB RACE,
CRAB RACE
FOR SOPHIA'S LOVE.
RONALDO, NO!
DON'T DO IT!
ACTUALLY, A CRAB RACE
SEEMS PRETTY NORMAL
AND FAIR.
I GUESS IT'S OK
IF YOU DO IT.
A CRAB RACE
IS NORMAL AND FAIR.
I ACCEPT.
[LAUGHS]
I WIN.
BEST 2 OF 3.
I WIN AGAIN.
WOW. I LOVE
HOW VOLUPTUOUS I AM
IN THIS WORLD.
AH, THOSE THINGS
ARE REAL NICE, REAL, SO...
DON'T TOUCH THEM.
DISTRACT--
CAN I JUST FOR A SECOND--
NO.
NO, THEY ARE MINE.
BUT IT'S JUS NOT IN THE REAL--
GET OFF. NO.
DON'T TOUCH.
IT'S NOT REAL.
ARE THEY REAL?
THEY LOOK REAL.
AND THEN
RONALDO DIES.
RONALDO, NO.
YEAH. SLOWLY...
FROM PAPER CUTS.
WHY?
A LOVE-TORN HEAR DOES CRAZY THINGS.
GOOD-BYE, MY LOVE.
AND NOW WE FEAST.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
OH, WILMER.
OPEN IT.
OK.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
IT IS OPEN.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH
AND EAT THIS.
IT IS BERRY.
OH.
EAT IT.
IT IS FOR YOU.
WILMER.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
PUT THE BERRY
IN YOUR--YEAH.
JUST LIKE THAT.
MMM.
JUST LIKE THAT.
MMM.
PUT THE BERRY--YEP.
OH, YOU HAVE THE LIPS
AND SHOULDERS
OF A MATADOR,
BUT THE SLENDER FINGERS
OF A BAKER'S SON.
AND YOU,
MY DARLING SOPHIA,
ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN YOU REALIZE.
AND AS SWEE AND, GOD--
[NO ACCENT]
YOU'RE SO--
AH, MAN, YOU'RE GREAT.
AH, YOU'RE, LIKE,
REALLY, REALLY GREAT.
YOU'RE JUST--
AH, YOU'RE JUST GREAT.
YOU'RE SO GREAT.
AH, MAN.
UH, GRACIAS.
[GASPS]
WILMER, LOOK OUT.
IT'S RONALDO,
AND HE IS BACK
FROM THE DEAD.
I'LL HANDLE HIM!
[GASPING]
OH, MY GOD!
ACK! HE'S GOT ME!
SAVE ME! SAVE ME!
I-I'M TRYING.
HIS LITTLE HANDS
ARE SO STRONG.
AGH! USE THE BAZOOKA!
THE BAZOOKA!
THE BAZOOKA?
USE THE BAZOOKA!
OF COURSE.
[GASPING]
HELP ME.
UH, I SHOULD GET THIS.
CHOKING. CHO--
AH, COME ON. AH.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
NOWHERE.
I CAN'T GET PAST THAT GLITCH
ON THE SECRET LEVEL.
GOT ANY SUGGESTIONS.
NO, NOT REALLY.
THAT'S COOL.
I'LL JUST DO IT MYSELF.
HEH HEH. WHAT THE...
DUDE,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M PISSED OFF.
WAS I BEING SUBTLE?
NOPE.
WHY?
BECAUSE I AM
WORKING MY ASS OFF
BY MYSELF
ON A GAME
THAT IS EATING THE SHI OF AN OVERWEIGHT WALRUS.
OK, ONE, WALRUSES
CAN'T BE OVERWEIGHT.
THEY HAVE BLUBBER.
THEY USE I TO KEEP WARM
WHEN THEY'RE SWIMMING
IN THE COLDER WATERS
OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN.
SHUT UP!
THIS IS FUCKED, MAN.
LOOK, JUST RELAX,
OK, MAN?
I TALKED TO KEITH
A COUPLE DAYS AGO.
THE LAWSUI IS MOVING FORWARD.
WE'RE GOOD.
YEAH, NOTHING'S
MOVING FORWARD
UNTIL YOU
SIGN THE PAPERWORK
FOR THE COMPLAINT.
KEITH MENTIONED THA ON MONDAY
AT OUR MEETING
THAT YOU MISSED.
SHIT.
USED TO BE STICKIES
EVERYWHERE YOU HAVE TO SIGN,
BUT I TOOK THEM OFF
BECAUSE I WAS ANNOYED.
I'M A LITTLE SORRY.
GREAT.
SO THEN I'LL
JUST SPEND THE NEX DECADE OF MY LIFE
LOOKING FOR
THE SIGNATURES,
AND THEN I'LL
RUSH IT RIGH OVER TO KEITH.
THANKS.
APPRECIATE IT.
I CAN--I CAN HELP YOU.
I--I KNOW WHERE
YOU HAVE TO SIGN.
GREAT. YOU PU THOSE STICKIES BACK ON,
AND SPEAKING OF HELP,
I NEED A RHYME
FOR HOGWARTS.
I'M WRITING
A LIMERICK FOR SOPHIE.
SO FAR, I'VE GO DOG SNORTS,
POG PORTS...
ANGEL TORTS.
NO.
[STEREO PLAYING
ROCK MUSIC]
KEITH.
HEY, KEITH, BUD,
IT'S WILL.
HEY, BUD, WHAT YOU DOING?
YOU ROCKING OUT IN THERE?
OK.
KEITH?
HEY, BUD.
COMING IN, BUD.
WHAT, WHAT?
UH, HELLO.
[GASPS]
OH! SORRY! SORRY!
I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT YOU WERE
GONNA BE, UM...
I JUST--LOOK, I JUS CAME BY TO DROP OFF
THE PAPERWORK FOR KEITH.
YEAH, I PLAY
HIS WII SOMETIMES
WHEN HE'S WORKING.
W-WHAT WERE YOU PLAYING,
LIKE "WII NAKED SWEATY
JUMP TIME"?
WHAT? I'M NOT NAKED
OR THAT SWEATY.
[MUSIC STOPS]
OK, WELL,
UM, I AM GOING TO--
I'M GONNA
SEE YOU LATER.
NO, YOU DON' HAVE TO GO.
KEITH SHOULD
BE HERE SOON.
LET ME JUST GET DRESSED.
LOOK--LOOK AWAY.
SORRY. RIGHT.
RIGHT, UM...
UH...
OK.
UH...
[MUTTERING]
UH, AHEM.
UH, OH, MAN.
THIS IS--HEH.
THIS IS THE MOS UNCOMFORTABLE FURNITURE
I'VE EVER SAT ON.
RIGHT? KEITH KEEPS
TRYING TO CONVINCE ME
THAT I NEED A NEW COUCH,
AND I'M LIKE,
"YOU CAN'T TALK
UNLESS YOUR COUCH IS
ACTUALLY COMFORTABLE,"
WHICH IT'S NOT.
YEAH.
BUT MINE REALLY, REALLY IS.
YEAH, YEAH.
I'VE SAT ON YOUR COUCH.
IT'S AWESOME. UM,
SO WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?
WELL, TECHNICALLY
I GOT IT FROM THE GARBAGE,
SO YEAH.
OH. OH.
I MEAN, OH.
DOES IT USUALLY
TAKE YOU THIS LONG
TO GET DRESSED?
UM, I'M STUCK.
OH. UH, DO YOU
WANT ME TO...
HELP YOU?
NO. I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.
YEAH, OK.
[EXHALES]
[CLOTH RIPS]
IS THA THE SOUND OF REALLY
EXPENSIVE FABRIC
BEING
NEEDLESSLY RIPPED?
IT WASN' THAT EXPENSIVE.
OH, OK, IT WAS
REALLY, REALLY EXPENSIVE.
MY CLOTHES ARE DIRTY
RIGHT NOW. OHH.
WELL, MAYBE YOU
OUGHT TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY
A LITTLE MORE OFTEN,
AND THEN--
COULD YOU JUS HELP ME, PLEASE?
YES, YES.
OK.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
OH, SHEEZ.
UM, OK. WELL,
I'M GONNA HAVE
TO USE MY EYES
IF I'M GONNA WAN TO GET YOU UNSTUCK.
OK, BUT JUST--
JUST DON'T LOOK AT ME.
UH, OK.
UM, W--
HEH. YOU KIND OF LOOK
LIKE A LITTLE NINJA.
I'M JUST GONNA--
ALL RIGHT.
JUST GONNA--
THERE YOU GO.
UM, ALL RIGHT.
HOW'S IT LOOK?
OH, MAN,
IT'S REALLY--
REALLY?
YEAH, YOU'RE
SUPER-DE-DUPER
CAUGHT THERE.
LOOK, I'M JUST--
I'M GONNA REACH
AROUND YOU HERE.
OK.
THAT'S--OK?
ALL RIGHT.
SO JUST, UM...
WOW. YOU'RE
REALLY CAUGHT.
CAN YOU SEE IT, THOUGH?
CAN YOU--
YEAH.
CAN YOU GET IT?
I'M SORRY.
IT'S LIKE A--
I CAN RETIE
BACK THERE.
AH, THIS TAKES ME BACK
TO HIGH SCHOOL.
[BOTH LAUGH]
YOU GOT IT, THOUGH?
OK. YEAH, I THINK--
OK.
I THINK--I THINK
I GOT IT THERE.
GOOD. GOOD.
THANK YOU.
UM...
YOU'RE WELCOME.
I--I SHOULD FINISH
GETTING DRESSED.
YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OH!
OW!
OH, SHIT. ARE YOU OK?
[EXHALES]
OW.
HEY, BABE.
HEY.
HI.
WILL.
WHAT?
DIDN'T EXPEC TO SEE YOU.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?
UH, YEAH.
HARPER--
HARPER TOLD ME
TO BRING BY
THE PAPERWORK, SO JUST--
WAS JUST...
BRINGING THAT BY.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
HEY, BABE.
HEY.
HEY, CAN I GET YOU
SOMETHING TO DRINK?
OH, YOU KNOW,
IT'S, UM--
NO, I GOTTA RUN.
I FORGOT TO GET THE--
ANYWAY, LOOK,
I SIGNED ALL THE PAPERWORK,
SO IT'S ALL--
IT'S ALL SIGNED UP.
IT WAS--IT WAS GREAT...
YEP, GOOD SEEING YOU.
SEEING YOU.
HEY, MY BROTHER.
[BOTH IMITATE GUITARS]
YEP, ALL RIGHT.
SEE YA.
SO I HAD A STRANGE DAY
AT WORK TODAY.
DID YOU GET FIRED?
WHY WOULD I
HAVE GOTTEN FIRED?
I--I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, IT'S STUPID.
YOU OBVIOUSLY
DIDN'T GET FIRED.
NEVER MIND.
YEAH, SO, UM, JACKSON
ASKED ME TO COME
INTO THE OFFICE, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW,
AND I'M THINKING,
YOU KNOW,
MORE DOCUMENT REVIEW
OR STAY LATE OR WHATEVER.
UH, BUT THEN I WALK IN,
AND ALL THE PARTNERS
ARE IN THERE.
KEITH...
I MADE PARTNER.
WHAT?
YEAH.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S AMAZING.
WHEN THEY TOLD ME,
I WAS JUST LIKE,
"DUDE, DO NOT CRY
RIGHT NOW."
DID YOU CRY?
I HELD IT IN.
YES.
OH, BABE, WOW.
YOUR, UM--YOUR SHIRT'S
REALLY RIPPED THERE.
OH.
HEH.
LOOK, I'LL JUS BUY YOU A NEW ONE
WITH MY FIRS PARTNER PAYCHECK.
MM.
AND I'M ALSO THINKING
ABOUT BUYING
A REALLY NICE
PAIR OF JEANS.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, JUST 'CAUSE
IT'S CASUAL FRIDAY
DOESN'T MEAN
YOUR PANTS SHOULDN'T COS A SHITLOAD OF MONEY.
HEARD ONE OF THE PARTNERS
SAY THAT ONCE.
EXCUSE ME.
YES, SIR?
UM, WHICH WOULD
YOU RECOMMEND
OUT OF THE FILE AND THE RIB EYE?
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE
IS THE RIB EYE...
[CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY]
Danny: AND THAT'S WHY
I DON'T FUCK WITH GIRLS
WITH BOYFRIENDS.
I SEE A TIDAL WAVE OF WISDOM
FAR OFF IN THE DISTANCE.
OK, FIRST OF ALL,
PLEASE DON' DISMISS WHAT I'M
ABOUT TO SAY
JUST BECAUSE I HAVE
AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE
WITH A VARIED
ASSORTMEN OF STRANGE WOMEN.
AFFORD ME
THAT SUSPENSION
OF DISBELIEF.
I CAN DO THAT.
AND SECOND OF ALL,
PLEASE REMOVE
THOSE DIRTY-ASS
SHOES AND SOCKS
FROM MY COUCH.
THIS AIN' YOUR HOME.
HAVE SOME RESPECT, BOY.
OK. CHRIST.
HERE COMES SOME WISDOM.
GIRLS WITH BOYFRIENDS...
ARE THE WORST.
THAT SEEMS LIKE
AN AWFUL LOT OF SETUP
FOR A VERY SIMPLE
DECLARATION.
OK, THAT WAS JUS MY THESIS STATEMENT.
NOW HEAR
MY SUPPORTING ARGUMENT.
GOD, YOU SPEN WAY TOO MUCH TIME
AT PRIVATE SCHOOLS.
YOU'RE DAMN RIGH I DID, ALL RIGHT?
GIRLS WITH BOYFRIENDS
ARE LIKE A...
FUCKING SCURVY, OK,
NEW TO OUR GENERATION
IN MANY WAYS.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU AND I
WERE COMING UP,
THERE WAS A TIME
WHERE A WOMAN
WOULD MEET A MAN,
SHE WOULD MARRY
THAT MAN,
AND THEN SHE WOULD
DIVORCE THAT MAN.
GREAT AMERICAN TRADITION.
EXACTLY, BUT NOW
ALL OF A SUDDEN,
SOMEBODY GAVE
THESE BITCHES IDEAS
AND THOUGHTS
AND MEMORIES,
AND THEY'RE JUS CRIPPLED BY THE FEAR
OF REPEATING
AN UNHAPPY PAST.
JESUS, THAT'S BLEAK.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY
I DON'T SUBSCRIBE.
I DON'T SUBSCRIBE
TO THAT SHIT, MAN.
I CAN'T.
SO WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME,
IF I HAVE THIS RIGHT,
IS THAT SOPHIE IS
DELIBERATELY TOYING WITH ME
TO FULFILL
SOME SORT OF PERCEIVED
EVOLUTIONARY NEED.
IS THAT RIGHT?
ENH! WRONG.
THAT'S NO WHAT I'M SAYING.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS
YOU'RE FUCKING YOURSELF
IF YOU'RE
GETTING TO KNOW A WOMAN
WHO YOU AIN'T FUCKING.
WHY DO I KEEP
GOING TO YOU FOR ADVICE?
ANYTHING ELSE YOU WAN TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST?
YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN
PICK UP YOUR CHECK
ON FRIDAY THEN.
JESUS CHRIST.
HOLY SHIT, DUDE.
DID YOU JUS FIRE SOMEONE?
[SIGHS] YEAH.
I AM ODDLY EXCITED
RIGHT NOW.
CAN WE--CAN WE
JUST GET BACK
TO THE GAMETEKK SITUATION?
YES. SORRY.
SO, LOOK, THEY SENT OVER
AN ANSWER TO THE COMPLAIN LAST NIGHT.
IT'S NOT GREAT.
BASICALLY THEY SAID
THAT THEY'LL SEE US
IN COURT.
BUT THAT'S NOT--
I MEAN, WE CAN' AFFORD THAT.
WE'RE NO GONNA GIVE UP.
I MEAN,
MONEY DOESN'T MATTER.
MONEY DOES MATTER.
THAT'S NO SOMETHING--
THEY'VE SUCKED THE SOUL
OUT OF LARRY
AND STUCK HIM IN THE BODY
OF JABBA THE HUT WITH TUSKS.
MONEY DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT IF THEY
DIDN'T, MAN?
WHAT IF--
LOOK, CAN WE JUST--
CAN WE JUST--
I DON'T KNOW--
STALL THEM
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS
WHILE WE
FIGURE THIS OUT?
YEAH. SHOULDN'T BE
A PROBLEM.
OK. THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, WE REALLY,
REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
DO THEY EVER CRY
WHEN YOU FIRE THEM?
Will: WHY ARE WE EVEN
GOING TO THIS THING?
I KNOW THAT KEITH
HAS BEEN MADE
ALMIGHTY PARTNER,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE
OUR CASE ANY LESS FUCKED.
OK, BUT HE IS
STILL OUR FRIEND,
AND THIS IS
HIS PARTY.
YOU KNOW
THIS GAMETEKK STUFF
ISN'T HIS FAULT, RIGHT?
WHATEVER.
DUDE, SERIOUSLY,
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
NOTHING.
NOTHING IS MY PROBLEM.
MM-HMM.
WOULD SOPHIE HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO
WITH IT MAYBE?
THE OTHER NIGHT,
I SAW THEM KISSING.
AND IT JUST MADE ME
FEEL SO SICK.
AND I CAN'T GET OVER IT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
I--I'VE ACTUALLY
HAD THIS CONVERSATION
PRETTY REGULARLY
IN MY HEAD
FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS,
SO I AM PREPARED.
FIRST QUESTION.
IS THIS SERIOUS?
YES.
SECOND QUESTION.
HAVE YOU HAD SEX
WITH HER YET?
OF COURSE NOT!
OK. ALL RIGHT.
NO!
GOD, I WOULDN' DO THAT, MAN.
THIRD QUESTION.
ARE YOU WILLING
TO GIVE HER
AN ULTIMATUM?
NO.
NO.
WELL, DUDE, YOU DON' HAVE ANY OPTIONS THEN,
SO YOU GOTTA MOVE ON.
WELL, I COULD WAIT FOR THEM
TO BREAK UP, YOU KNOW.
MARRIAGE IS MORE LIKELY
AT THIS POINT THAN
A BREAKUP. YEAH.
DUDE, YOU'RE
NOT GOOD AT PLAYING
SECOND FIDDLE.
THAT IS SOMETHING
TO BE PROUD OF, OK?
SECOND FIDDLERS
ARE BITCHES.
ALL FIDDLERS ARE BITCHES.
GRANDFATHER WAS KILLED
BY A FIDDLER.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN.
I MEAN, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND,
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
YES.
WHAT AM I DOING?
WE ARE LITERALLY
ON OUR WAY
TO A PARTY
SHE IS THROWING
FOR HER RICH,
HANDSOME BOYFRIEND.
AND, LOOK, I KNOW--
I KNOW IT'S BEEN AFFECTING
MY WORK, MAN, OK?
AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I'M BACK ON TEAM LARRY,
ALL RIGHT?
I'M DONE BEING THE BOYFRIEND
TO MY LAWYER'S GIRLFRIEND.
GOD, WHEN YOU
SAY IT OUT LOUD,
IT SOUNDS SO FUCKED UP.
HEH.
TO TEAM LARRY?
TO TEAM LARRY.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
IT'S A CUTE SIGN.
KEITH HATES IT.
I NEVER SAID
I HATED IT.
IT'S A SHITTY SIGN.
IT'S TERRIBLE.
I MEAN, IF YOU
LOOK AT IT TWICE,
I MEAN, I SEE IT NOW.
I TOTALLY GET IT.
THANKS.
HEY, UH, WHERE'S WILL?
HE HAD A LONG WEEK,
SO HE WENT STRAIGH FOR THE ALCOHOL TABLE.
YEAH.
SO YOU'RE SAYING
I CAN'T HAVE ANY
OF THIS WINE?
MM, WELL, YOU SAID
YOU WANTED A DECENT WHITE.
THE BEST WE HAVE
IS A MEDIOCRE RED.
THE WHITES
ARE ALL GARBAGE.
WHAT ARE YOU,
A SOMMELIER?
MM. OK. ARE YOU ALWAYS
THIS UNFRIENDLY
TO WOMEN YOU BARELY KNOW?
NO. I JUST WAN SOME WINE, OK?
HERE YOU GO.
GARBAGE WHITE FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
MM-MMM. DON'T SMELL.
JUST CHUG.
YEP. [CHUCKLES]
WHOA.
MORE.
YEP.
THAT COUCH IS LITERALLY
FROM THE GARBAGE.
WOULDN'T SI THERE IF I WERE YOU.
WHAT? NO, NO, NO.
SIT ON IT.
I MEAN, IT'S LITERALLY LIKE
SITTING ON A BEAUTIFUL CLOUD.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY
SIT ON IT.
I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT SOMEBODY
GAVE BIRTH ON THA BEAUTIFUL CLOUD.
YOU CAN SEE
THE STAINS.
OK, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE FOUND THAT COUCH
IN RESEDA.
OK.
IT'S RESEDA. I DON'T...
HEY...
HMM?
DO YOU WANNA GO OU SOMETIME?
WOW. THAT WINE
WENT TO YOUR HEAD
PRETTY QUICKLY.
HEH.
YEAH. I'D LOVE TO.
GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.
[LAUGHS]
BOTTOMS UP.
ALL RIGHT.
UH-HUH.
[LAUGHS] MM.
HELLO. OH!
SORRY. SORRY.
IT'S FINE.
IT'S NOT LIKE RED WINE
STAINS OR ANYTHING.
THAT WOULDN' BE A PROBLEM
IF YOU'D BOUGH A DECENT CHARDONNAY
FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND'S
PARTY.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT?
IT'S TRUE.
HE ASKED ME OUT.
MM-HMM.
SO...
SO...
[GROANING]
[ROARING]
HEY.
HEY. I'M HERE TO...
OH. YOU LOOK DAPPER.
UH, YOU LOOK LIKE
THE LADY VERSION
OF DAPPER.
THANK YOU.
UH, HERE.
IT'S FOR YOUR,
UH, NEXT GATHERING.
HEY, NOT BAD.
FRIDGE?
THANK YOU.
YEAH.
YEAH.
JUST, LIKE,
NOT GETTING SUN HERE.
YEAH, YOU'RE GOOD.
I MEAN,
YOU'RE IN THE SUN.
YEAH? OK.
MM-HMM.
SO, UM, I HAD A PRETTY
INTERESTING TIME
WITH WILL
THE OTHER NIGHT.
REALLY?
MM-HMM.
WHAT--WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, WE HAD REALLY
INTENSE CHEMISTRY,
ACTUALLY.
YOU DID?
WELL, WHEN HE FOUND OU THAT I HAD 2 KIDS
AND ANOTHER ONE ON THE WAY,
LOST INTEREST.
MM.
WHOA.
MY PHONE'S VIBRATING
SO MUCH 'CAUSE
SOMEONE'S CALLING ME.
HELLO. YES.
I'LL BE THERE FOR THE--
GET THE CHILD INTO PREP.
NO, I'M--YOU'RE NO INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.
IT--NOTHING IS--
LISTEN,
I'M NOT SHALLOW, SO...
SO, UH, WHA REALLY HAPPENED
WITH WILL?
IT WAS A DUD.
C'EST LA VIE,
ONCE AGAIN.
WHATEVER.
AT LEAST HE WAS
WEARING A SHIRT.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
[MAN CLEARS THROAT]
BEAUTIFUL DAY,
LADIES.
YEAH.
YES, IT IS.
IF YOU DON'T MIND
WATCHING MY BUSINESS,
I'M GONNA GO DO
SOME PARKOUR.
GO FOR IT.
OK.
IS HE--
WOW. NO, REALLY--
YEAH, NO, HE'S TOTALLY
GOING FOR IT.
YEAH.
OH, MY GOD.
OH.
OK.
THAT LOOKS
PAINFUL.
YEAH!
I DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW
THAT WAS A REAL SPORT.
YEAH, NO.
NOR DID I.
HAVE YOU GIVEN UP YET?
NO. STOP ASKING ME THAT.
IT'S JUST...
OVER THE COURSE
OF MY DEPRESSION,
I HAVE HAD TIME
TO THINK,
AND I REALIZED
SOMETHING, MAN.
I REALIZED THA THERE COMES A TIME
IN EVERY MAN'S LIFE
WHERE HE MUST ADMIT DEFEAT,
GIVE UP ON HIS DREAMS,
AND WAVE THE WHITE FLAG
OF SURRENDER,
AND SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
LIFE, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
"MAYBE I SHOULD GIVE UP.
MAYBE I SHOULD QUIT."
FOR US, THAT TIME
IS NOW, MY FRIEND.
FOR US, THAT TIME
IS SOMEWHERE AROUND
LAST TUESDAY.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
SO IN SEATTLE, A JUDGE
RECENTLY RULED IN FAVOR
OF A COUPLE DEVELOPERS
WHO CLAIMED THAT THEIR I.P.
WAS INFRINGED UPON
BY A CORPORATION.
THOSE GUYS WERE ABLE
TO CONVINCE THE JUDGE
BASED ON A COMPREHENSIVE
ANALYSIS OF BOTH GAMES.
A PRECEDENT HAS BEEN SET.
BUT IT DOESN'T GUARANTEE
ANYTHING, AND I'M STILL,
YOU KNOW, NOT SURE IT'LL
BE WORTH IT FOR YOU GUYS
TO PROCEED.
IT'LL BE WORTH IT.
LOOK, GUYS,
WE'RE TALKING SOME
PRETTY STEEP LEGAL FEES HERE,
YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY IF THEY
DECIDE TO COUNTERSUE.
UH, KEITH,
CAN YOU JUST--
CAN YOU JUST GIVE US
A SECOND? THANKS.
I DON'T WAN TO DO THIS, MAN.
WE'RE ALMOST BROKE.
OK.
DID YOU WANT THIS
TO BE PRIVATE?
BECAUSE I CAN DEFINITELY
STILL HEAR YOU.
JUST...
LOOK, WE CAN
TAKE OUT LOANS.
WE CAN SELL THE LOF IF WE HAVE TO.
WE HAVE COME TOO FAR
TO LET THEM HAVE
THE SATISFACTION
OF--
OF WHAT? WATCHING US
BURY OURSELVES
UNDER A MOUNTAIN
OF LEGAL DEB WHILE WALLY THE WALRUS
GLOATS
AND EATS BABY SEALS
THAT WE'RE PAYING FOR?
DO YOU BELIEVE
IN LARRY?
HE'S A CARTOON RABBIT, MAN.
BUT DO YOU
BELIEVE IN HIM?
I AM DOING THIS
AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT,
BUT LET'S KEEP GOING, MAN.
YEAH.
OK.
LET'S DO IT.
[CELLPHONE BUZZING]
OOH.
OH, UM,
I GOTTA GO.
UH,
CATCH YOU LATER.
UM, YEAH,
I GUESS SO.
WE'LL JUS TOUCH BASE
WITH YOU.
URBANE AND
SOPHISTICATED LARRY.
THERE'S AN EMERGENCY.
OK. GO.
I'M SICK.
YEP, THAT'S DEFINITELY
NOT AN EMERGENCY.
I'M DYING.
OH. WHAT ARE YOU
DYING OF?
UM, I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING REALLY,
REALLY SERIOUS.
LIKE ADRIEN BRODY
SERIOUS?
OK, ADRIEN BRODY
IS NOT THAT SERIOUS.
HAVE YOU NOT SEEN
"THE PIANIST"?
HAVE YOU NOT SEEN
"THE BROTHERS BLOOM"?
NO ONE SAW
"THE BROTHERS BLOOM."
I'M DYING
OF TUBERCULOSIS,
ALL RIGHT?
OK, SO WHAT'S THE CURE?
PRETZELS.
AH, WELL, I KNOW PRETZELS
ARE GOOD FOR POLIO.
I'M NOT SURE
THEY'RE GOOD FOR T.B.
DO YOU WANT TO GE A PRETZEL WITH ME?
I MEAN, I DON'T--
OHH.
MM, I DON'T KNOW.
UM, I...
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
HELPING HARPER WITH
THIS LARRY THING RIGHT NOW,
SO--AHH.
BUT I KIND OF
HATE HIM A BIT,
SO THAT'S--[WINCES]
WILL, IT'S A MATTER
OF LIFE AND DEATH HERE.
FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
[GROANS]
HOLY SHIT.
Danny: YOU GOTTA
BE KIDDING ME.
IS THIS WHERE
FUCKING LAWYERS
LIVE, DUDE?
LOOK, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW YOU THAT WELL,
BUT I JUST WAN TO BE HELD BY YOU.
HEY, AFTER 18 HOLES,
YOU KNOW PEOPLE BETTER
THAN YOU THINK.
WELL, THERE'S
ONLY ONE HOLE
THAT MATTERS TO ME.
THAT WAS WEIRD.
HEH. SORRY.
YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE
IN AN EPISODE OF "BATMAN."
YEAH.
IT'S KIND OF INSANE,
AND YOU HAVE DONE
QUITE WELL FOR YOURSELF.
YEAH. YOU KNOW,
A YEAR AHEAD
OF SCHEDULE ACTUALLY.
AND, HEY,
ONCE WE WIN THAT SUIT,
THAT IS
CORNER-OFFICE STUFF
RIGHT THERE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
HARPER, MY FRIEND,
THIS IS A TOAS TO YOUR SUCCESS
AS WELL AS MINE.
YEAH.
WHAT SUCCESS
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ERIC IS BACK.
GAMETEKK ERIC?
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE MEETING UP
NEXT WEEK
TO REOPEN
DISCUSSION
ON SETTLEMENTS.
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.
WOW.
HOLY SHIT.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
THIS IS AMAZING NEWS.
THIS IS INCRED--
WOULD IT BE
TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE
OF ME TO ASK YOU RIGHT NOW
TO MARRY ME?
VERY INAPPROPRIATE,
BECAUSE THIS IS
MY MAN, BITCH.
I'M SURE THERE'S ROOM
FOR ALL THREE OF US.
HEY.
HEY, GIRL.
LOOK, GUYS,
THERE'S ROOM ENOUGH
FOR EVERYBODY,
BUT YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO STAY
ON THE COUCH, OK?
I'M ASKING
SOPHIE TO MOVE IN
WITH ME NEXT WEEK.
HEY.
TH-THAT'S NEWS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT IS NEWS.
YOU'VE GOT CHOICES
TO MAKE,
THAT YOU'VE MADE.
THAT IS NEWS.
3 YEARS, YOU KNOW.
GUESS IT'S
ABOUT TIME, RIGHT?
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
DUDE, MAN, GREAT NEWS.
SETTLEMENT DISCUSSIONS
REOPENED.
WHOA. WHAT DO YOU MEAN
SETTLEMENT DISCUSSION'S
BEEN REOPENED?
IT MEANS WE'RE SAVED, MAN.
KEITH SAVED US.
OH. THANK GOD FOR ERIC.
THANK GOD FOR KEITH, MAN.
YEAH, WELL, I TOLD YOU
IT'D WORK OUT, MAN.
YOU JUST GOTTA HAVE
A LITTLE FAITH,
YOU KNOW?
YEAH. UH...
WE SHOULD--
WE SHOULD CELEBRATE.
YEAH.
OH, BUT, UM...
I CAN'T RIGHT NOW.
I, UH--
I GOT PLANS.
OK.
YEAH.
WITH THAT GIRL
VANESSA?
OH, UM, NO.
NO, IT'S--
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
DUDE, ARE YOU--
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY
GOING TO HANG OU WITH SOPHIE RIGHT NOW?
SO WHAT IF I AM?
WHAT DOES IT--
THAT IS KEITH'S
GIRLFRIEND. KEITH
LOVES THAT GIRL, MAN.
I KNOW, ALL RIGHT?
SHE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE BI OF HELP WITH SOMETHING,
SO I'M HELPING HER OUT.
WE'RE FRIENDS, OK?
OH, OK, GREAT.
SO WE'RE FRIENDS.
I CAN COME, RIGHT?
NO.
I'M GONNA GRAB
MY JACKET.
WE'RE ALL FRIENDS.
NO.
NO, DON'T. STOP.
I COULD JUST COME.
STOP. NO.
WE CAN ALL BE
THERE TOGETHER,
HELPING EACH OTHER.
NO. NO.
I LOVE YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
DOING SOME
FRIENDSHIP THINGS
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
HUH.
SO IS THERE A REASON
WE JUST DON'T THROW
THIS COUCH OUT THE WINDOW?
FATALITY RISK.
COME ON.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS
THIS IS ACTUALLY
GONNA LAND ON SOMEBODY?
NO, I MEAN FOR
THE COUCH. IT'S OLD.
IT CAN'T SURVIVE
A 2-STORY PLUNGE.
YOU REALIZE
THAT WE'RE TAKING THIS
TO THE GARBAGE, RIGHT?
NO, WE'RE TAKING I TO THE CURB
SO SOMEBODY CAN GIVE I A GOOD HOME.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU WANNA DO THIS?
I'M NOT SURE
THE "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING,
SET IT FREE" MANTRA
APPLIES TO COUCHES.
WELL, KEITH HAS BEEN
DYING TO BUY ME
A NEW COUCH,
AND HE SAID HE'S GONNA
HAVE THE DELIVERY PEOPLE
DISPOSE OF IT WHEN THEY
BRING THE NEW ONE,
BUT IT JUST SOUNDS
SO COLD, YOU KNOW.
DEFINITELY. I MEAN,
YOU GOTTA GIVE
YOUR GARBAGE COUCH
THE PROPER SEND-OFF.
[BOTH GRUNT]
ARE YOU SURE
YOU GOT THIS?
YEP, I'M GOOD.
OK, THIS IS REALLY HEAVY.
YEAH,
WELL, IT'S A COUCH,
SO COUCHES ARE HEAVY...
THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.
NOT A BOX OF--WHAT?
OK, UM...
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S SLIPPING.
WHOA! WHOA! [YELLING]
[GROANS]
I'M FINE.
[GROANS]
HEH.
YOU JUST CHECK OU ON THE COUCH.
OH, MY GOD.
LET ME SEE YOU.
HELLO.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU DO--
ALL RIGHT, BESIDES
THE SWEAT STAIN,
ON YOUR BACK, I THINK--
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE OK.
W-WHAT ABOUT THE COUCH?
WHAT?
THE COUCH.
THE COUCH, RIGHT.
UH-HUH, YEAH.
YES, OK.
OK.
[SIGHS]
SOMEONE'S GONNA
WANT IT, RIGHT?
WANT IT?
LIKE IN THEIR HOME?
YEAH, OR ON THE PORCH
OR OUTSIDE SOMEWHERE.
I MEAN, IT'LL HAVE
A GOOD HOME, THOUGH.
RIGHT?
UM, YEAH. I MEAN, THAT'S--
YOU KNOW, THAT'S...
ARE YOU OK?
YEAH. IT'S JUST...
I'VE HAD THIS COUCH
FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.
YOU KNOW, I FOUND I ON THE STREET,
AND I TOOK IT IN,
AND I CLEANED IT,
AND I TOOK CARE OF IT,
AND JUST THE THOUGH OF IT ENDING UP
AT SOME DUMP,
GETTING PICKED APAR BY SEAGULLS OR PIGEONS--
I MEAN,
I KNOW THAT THIS SOUNDS
COMPLETELY CRAZY, BUT--
NO. I MEAN, IT'S--
IT'S SO NORMAL.
IT'S MY COUCH.
WE'VE JUST...
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW?
YEAH.
HEY, IT'S OK.
IT'S OK.
[CRYING]
[SIREN PASSING]
IT'S--COME ON.
SHH.
Will: HEY, SOPHIE.
YEAH?
UM...
IF--IF WE WERE
DIFFERENT PEOPLE--
LIKE,
I MEAN, LIKE...
BE IN DIFFERENT LIVES,
LIKE SOPHIA AND WILMER?
YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.
EXACTLY.
LIKE, WHAT IF,
UM, SOPHIA
HAD SAVED WILMER
FROM RONALDO
AND THEN HE WAS,
LIKE, UH,
"I OWE YOU MY LIFE."
"LET'S GE TOGETHER."
SHE PROBABLY
WOULDN'T SAY NO.
WILMER IS
SORT OF CHARMING.
AND HANDSOME, TOO.
SO HANDSOME.
YEAH, LIKE
CLOONEY HANDSOME.
OH, YES.
[TRUCK REVERSE WARNING
BEEPING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
HUH?
OH.
HEY.
WAKE UP.
HMM?
WAKE UP.
HMM?
WAKE UP.
HEY.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
UM...
MORNING.
SERIOUSLY?
YEAH.
I THINK THE COUCH GUYS
ARE GONNA BE HERE.
UM...
DO YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
CAN YOU MAKE
A SUAVEACCINO
FROM HOME?
Sophie: YEAH, YEAH.
AND THAT'S THE LAS TIME THAT I'VE EVER
BEEN TO A CARNIVAL.
YEAH. IT REALLY
FUCKED ME UP.
KEITH.
WILL.
YOU'RE HERE EARLY.
YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S--
HE WAS JUST...
I WAS HERE TO...
HELPING ME MOVE THE--
THE OLD COUCH...
HELP HER MOVE
THE COUCH...
DOWNSTAIRS.
DOWNSTAIRS.
[BOTH STAMMERING]
NEEDED HELP.
NEEDED HELP.
I TOLD YOU THA THE DELIVERY GUY
WOULD DO THAT.
WELL,
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THERE IS
NO DELIVERY GUY.
WHAT, SO THEY'RE
NOT BRINGING OVER
A COUCH?
NO, THEY ARE.
THEY, UM,
ARE JUST TAKING I TO MY NEW PLACE...
WITH THE RES OF MY FURNITURE.
SO, YOUR--YOUR LEASE
IS UP SOON,
SO I FIGURED...
I WANT YOU
TO MOVE IN WITH ME.
I'M GONNA--
I'M GONNA GO.
YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY
A GOOD IDEA, MAN.
WHY IS I A GOOD IDEA?
WHY IS THAT?
IS IT 'CAUSE YOU
WERE TOO BUSY TO HELP
YOUR GIRLFRIEND MOVE
AND I DID? IS THAT...
YEAH, I DON' NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE
OF MY GIRLFRIEND.
LOOK, HE WASN' DOING ANYTHING.
AND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHY I'M SO BUSY?
NO.
IT'S BECAUSE OF YOUR
FUCKING RETARDED
RABBIT CASE.
I WAS OUT LATE
LAST NIGH GETTING ERIC DRUNK
ON YOUR BEHALF.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
DON'T DO ME
ANY FAVORS.
I BEEN DOING YOU
ONE HUGE-ASS FAVOR
FOR THE LAS SIX MONTHS.
MAN, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN RETURN?
YOU'RE TRYING TO MOVE IN
ON MY GIRLFRIEND?
WHAT THE FUCK IS
WRONG WITH YOU?
NO.
THAT'S NOT WHAT'S
HAPPENING AT ALL.
NO, MAN, I WAS
HERE TO HELP HER
MOVE A COUCH, OK?
THAT'S IT. YOU DON' NEED TO BE A DICK
ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE
PRETTY CLEARLY THE DICK
IN THIS SITUATION.
NOBODY IS A DICK.
CAN WE PLEASE
JUST CALM DOWN?
PLEASE?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M JUST GONNA
HEAD OUT OF HERE.
I THINK I'VE GO A RETARDED RABBI AT HOME THAT I NEED
TO TAKE CARE OF.
YOU GUYS, YOU HAVE
A GREAT NIGHT.
[GRUNTING]
[SNAKE HISSES]
[DOOR OPENS]
ANOTHER SATURDAY-MORNING
IRONING SESSION?
HOW'D IT GO WITH SOPHIE?
YOU'RE BURNING
YOUR SHIRT.
I GOT A TEX FROM KEITH.
WE CAN GE ANOTHER LAWYER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DESIGN LARRY A HAT.
NOT WITH LARRY.
WITH KEITH'S GIRLFRIEND.
SHE JUST NEEDED HELP
WITH SOMETHING, OK,
SO I--I HELPED HER.
WHY?
WHY DID YOU HELP HER
INSTEAD OF HAVING SEX
WITH HER HOT ROOMMATE?
OR EVEN HAVING SEX
WITH ANYONE, REALLY.
EVEN IF YOU
HAD SEX WITH HER
ON A RATTY TRASH COUCH,
WHICH I WOULD FEEL
A LITTLE BIT BETTER,
BECAUSE AT LEAST THEN
I WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU WERE DOING THIS,
BUT YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU?
THAT COUCH IS DISGUSTING.
I'M SORRY. WHA WAS THAT? EXCUSE ME
FOR A SECOND.
I JUST GOTTA
PULL THIS KNIFE
OUT OF MY BACK.
YOU KNOW, IF--IF ANYONE
SHOULD FEEL BETRAYED,
IT'S KEITH.
AH, WELL,
KEITH'S ENTIRE CAREER
DIDN'T REALLY DEPEND
ON THIS LAWSUIT,
THOUGH, DID IT?
I HOPE THAT,
AT THE VERY LEAST,
AT THE VERY LEAST,
IT'S JUST A LITTLE BI DETRIMENTAL TO HIM.
YEAH? YEAH, OK,
THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
WHAT ABOUT US?
HMM? WHAT--
WHAT ABOUT ME?
KEITH HAD A FUCKING
AMAZING MEETING
LAST NIGH WITH ERIC.
I MEAN, IT WAS LITERALLY
OUR ONLY CHANCE
IN THIS
POINTLESS LAWSUIT,
AND YOU WOULD KNOW THA IF YOU ACTUALLY
PICKED UP HIS CALLS
ONCE IN A WHILE,
BUT WHY WOULD
YOU DO THAT?
OH, RIGHT.
"RING-RING.
HEY, KEITH.
"WHAT'S GOING ON? NO,
I'M--I'M JUST WASHING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S FEE RIGHT NOW."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
FUCK YOU, MAN!
FUCK YOU, OK?
FOR MONTHS,
YOU HAVE BEEN
MAKING DECISIONS
FOR BOTH OF US.
AND I WAS WITH YOU
BECAUSE WE'RE A TEAM,
BUT NOW YOU JUST--
NOW YOU JUST CHANGE
YOUR MIND
WITHOUT EVEN CONSIDERING
HOW IT AFFECTS ME.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE I WANTED
TO TAKE THAT JOB
AT GAMETEKK,
BUT YOU NEVER
EVEN ASKED.
OK. OK, MAN,
IS THIS OVER? IS THIS--
YOU KNOW WHY
"PROUD LARRY" IS SUCH
A SHITTY GAME, HUH?
IT'S BECAUSE
LARRY IS A STUBBORN
FUCKING ASSHOLE!
IF WALLY THE WALRUS
WALKS INTO A LAND MINE,
HE ADMITS
THAT HE'S WRONG.
"OH, FUCK.
SHIT, I'M EXPLODING.
QUICK, I GOTTA USE
MY HEALTH POINTS
TO HEAL MYSELF."
BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT LARRY DOES
IN THAT SITUATION?
LARRY JUS KEEPS LIMPING ALONG
LIKE A FUCKING IDIO UNTIL THE GIANT LADYBUG
EATS HIM.
NOBODY LIKES A RABBI WITHOUT HUMILITY, WILL.
THAT RABBI JUST GETS EATEN.
ALL RIGHT, WE CAN GE ANOTHER LAWYER.
IT'S NO ABOUT THE LAWYER,
YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
I THOUGH WHEN HE ASKED HER
TO MOVE IN WITH HIM,
YOU'D FINALLY
GET IT.
HAVE FUN
DYING ALONE.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
THERE'S NOT ANY LAWYERS
AT THE PARTY, ARE THERE?
HEY.
HEY.
HEY, BANNON,
YOU MADE IT.
YEAH, I'M AS SURPRISED
AS YOU ARE.
I GOT YOU
A LITTLE SOMETHING
FROM MY PRIVATE CELLAR.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OH, BANNON, THIS IS SOPHIE.
SOPHIE, THIS IS BANNON.
HEY. I'M THE CRANKY
OLD ASSHOLE
AT THE OFFICE.
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE HEARD.
I MAY HAVE HEARD
A THING OR TWO.
[LAUGHS]
[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
THINK THEY PLAYED
THIS SONG
AT SHAKESPEARE'S
FUNERAL.
YEAH, USUALLY, YOU KNOW.
WE'RE CLASSIC-ROCK TYPES,
BUT WE'RE TRYING
TO KEEP THINGS STUFFY
FOR YOU OLD FOLKS.
KEITH IS ACTUALLY
AN AIR GUITAR GOD.
HE CAN PLAY THE SOLO
TO "PARADISE CITY"
WITH HIS EYES CLOSED.
AIR GUITAR?
IS THAT RIGHT, KEITH?
NO, SHE'S KIDDING.
SHE'S KIDDING.
HEY, CAN YOU BELIEVE
YOUR MAN HERE?
PARTNER FOR WHAT,
LIKE A MONTH,
AND ALREADY
THE HEAD HONCHO'S
SENDING HIM
TO HONG KONG
FOR THE SUMMER.
HONG KONG?
HEY, UH, BANNY,
FOLLOW ME.
I'LL INTRODUCE YOU
TO THE LIQUOR CABINET.
OH, WE'VE MET.
HEY.
HEY. GOOD TO SEE YOU
OUT OF THE OFFICE
FOR ONCE. FOLKS.
[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
YOU KNOW,
I THINK THAT WENT WELL.
DON'T YOU THINK
THAT WENT WELL?
YEAH, IT DID.
YOU KNOW,
I LIKE THOSE GUYS.
AND I FEEL LIKE THAT'S RARE
AT A FIRM LIKE MINE.
YOU KNOW, HONG KONG'S
NOT OFFICIAL YET.
AND I CAN TURN IT DOWN.
YOU JUST MADE PARTNER.
WELL, WHY DON' YOU COME WITH ME?
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
YEAH.
THINK ABOUT IT.
[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
[SIGHS]
[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
UH, ERIC?
AH, WILL,
GRAB A SEAT.
HEY, SO IT'S--IT'S NICE
TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
IF YOU'RE HERE
TO BEG FOR MERCY,
YOU SHOULD
START NOW.
I'M NOT...
LOOK, I'M NOT HERE
TO BEG.
WELL, THEN WHA ARE YOU HERE FOR?
UM...
I CAME BY TO...
LET YOU KNOW
THAT, UM...
I'M GONNA DROP THE SUIT.
WHEW. [LAUGHS]
WHAT A LOAD OFF.
MAN, I MEAN,
WE ARE--
I WAS REALLY
LOOKING FORWARD
TO, UH, SLAUGHTERING
YOU GUYS IN COURT,
BUT THIS IS
MUCH NICER.
I LIKE--
YEAH,
I APPRECIATE THAT.
OK, WELL, ALSO, UM,
I WANTED TO COME BY
IN PERSON
TO, UH, TALK TO YOU ABOU MY BUSINESS PARTNER HARPER.
YEAH, YOU GUYS MADE
AN OFFER TO HIM EARLIER,
AND I REALLY THINK
THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE
A LOOK AT HIS WORK,
SOME OF HIS OTHER WORK
AND RECONSIDER.
I THINK HE'D BE A REALLY--
A GREAT FIT FOR YOU GUYS.
IT WAS FUCKED UP
WHAT YOU DID TO KEITH.
YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
EXCUSE ME?
YOU TWO WERE FRIENDS,
WEREN'T YOU?
UM...
LOOK, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT ANY OF THA HAS TO DO W-WITH US
OR WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.
YOU DON'T JUST FIRE
SOMEONE FROM A JOB
BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BONER
FOR THEIR GIRL.
I--I MEAN...
UM...
OK, I UNDERSTAND THAT,
AND, YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND, UH, YOU KNOW...
WE'VE ALL GOT GROWING
TO DO, OBVIOUSLY,
UM, BUT, LOOK,
THE REASON I CAME BY
WAS FOR
MY BUSINESS PARTNER HARPER,
AND IF YOU COULD JUST--
IF YOU GUYS COULD JUST,
YOU KNOW, TAKE A--
TAKE A LOOK
AT WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING,
WHAT HE'S BEEN WORKING ON,
I THINK, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE GONNA BE
REALLY IMPRESSED.
PLEASE.
HEY, KEITH.
UH, ONE SEC.
I'M JUST GONNA
HEAD TO WORK.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO WORK.
OH. UM, WELL,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA START PACKING
FOR HONG KONG TODAY.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST STAY HOME?
BECAUSE I HAVE
TO GO TO MY JOB.
[LAUGHS] COME ON.
IT'S NOT EVEN
A REAL JOB.
NO. RIGHT,
IT'S A FAKE JOB.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU'RE QUITTING
IN 2 WEEKS,
SO WHY NO JUST BLOW IT OFF?
KEITH, I CAN' JUST BLOW IT OFF.
LIKE, I LIKE MY JOB.
I MEAN, I HATE
WHEN YOU ASSUME
THAT THE THINGS
THAT I DO JUS DON'T MATTER AT ALL.
LOOK,
I'M SURE THERE'LL BE
ANOTHER TRENDY COFFEE SHOP
IN HONG KONG, OK?
OK, THAT'S NO THE POINT.
I MEAN,
OK, WHAT IF I WANTED
TO FINISH MY MASTER'S?
THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE
DONE IT 2 YEARS AGO
WHEN YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO GRADUATE.
HEH.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
LOOK, I'M JUST--
I'M STRESSED OUT,
AND I'M JUS TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH
SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.
WHAT IS THA SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
OH, MY GOD, NOTHING.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
I'M JUST...
YOU KNOW,
I HAVE THINGS HERE,
FRIENDS, A JOB.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?
NOTHING.
NOTHING.
CAN WE JUST--
CAN WE JUS STOP FIGHTING?
YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA
BE LATE FOR WORK.
GLADLY.
LOOK, JUST CALL ME
ON YOUR WAY HOME.
ALL RIGHT?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
ABOUT HONG KONG?
WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST ASK ME?
I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT, THEN MAYBE WE
JUST SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
WHO IS IT?
HI.
HOW DID YOU FIND
WHERE I LIVE?
UM, I WORK
FOR THE INTERNET,
SO IT--
IT WASN'T HARD.
STALKER.
YEAH.
IT'S FINE, SHANNON.
Shannon: AHEM.
HI.
HI.
I TOOK THE JOB.
OH, YEAH?
OH,
THAT'S GREAT, MAN.
OH, I'M--
THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S REALLY GREAT.
THAT BLUBBERY FUCK
SURE MAKES FOR
AN EXCITING GAME, HUH?
HE'S NO LARRY.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
UH...
RIGHT. YEAH.
I SHOULD, UH...
GO AHEAD. IT'S FINE.
UM...
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND
MAYBE?
YEAH.
YEP. ALL RIGHT.
AH, IT WAS GOOD
TO SEE YOU, MAN.
YOU, TOO, MAN.
YEAH, OK.
I'M RIGHT--I'M HERE.
Shannon:
WHATEVER.
[RAPS ON GLASS]
HI.
DO YOU, UM--
YOU WANT TO COME IN?
YEAH.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC FADES]