- Any of you boys got change for 10 cents?
- No, sir.
Well, keep the baggage.
Tickets for the West at this window!
One ticket for the West, end of line.
Yes, sir. That'll be $70, please.
There's your $70.
Don't bother counting it.
- There's only $60 here.
- I told you not to count it.
You need $10 more.
It's highway robbery.
No wonder you're behind bars.
I'll get that other $10.
Someday I'll be president of this railroad,
and when I am...
Hey, mister.
Is this the right way for my brother
to get on the train for the West?
Not unless they're throwing
a masquerade party out West, it isn't.
- All we wanna know is where's the train.
- The train? It's out on the tracks.
It seldom comes in here.
Come on, Rusty, I'll buy you a ticket.
Where's your $70?
You only got $10?
What did you do with the other $60?
You buy a snake?
I can't get you a ticket
if you ain't got enough money.
Money?
- You two gents are heading West, partner?
- Not me. Just my brother.
You see, I got no money.
So he's going West.
When he gets off the train,
he'll pick up some gold and send it to me.
They say the gold is laying
all over the streets.
All over the streets you find the gold.
The way he's dressed, he looks like
he was laying all over the streets.
Of course the gold is all over the streets,
but they won't let him take any.
He's a tenderfoot.
You wear those shoes,
you've got tender feet, too.
Those are shoes?
I thought that was fungus with buttons.
All right, suppose he's got tender feet.
You don't pick up gold with feet.
No, you don't understand.
A tenderfoot is an easterner.
Out West, they shoot at anything
that looks Eastern.
They'll blow his head off if he goes
out West with that flea incubator.
What's the matter with that hat?
It cost a lot of money.
- How much did it cost him?
- I don't know. He stole it.
- What's the idea?
- Wait a minute!
I'm just trying to save his life.
- You love your brother, don't you?
- No, but I'm used to him.
Now, this is the kind of hat
they're wearing this season.
This is the 1870 model.
It's what they call a pioneer's cap.
Isn't that tail supposed to be in the back?
Not on him.
- That's genuine beaver.
- It's pretty.
I'll stroke it. It's still my hat, you know.
That'll be $10.
- You want $10 for that old beaver?
- I'm not in business for love.
I was in love once and I got the business.
But that's another story,
and a very unpleasant one, too.
Why should he buy a hat?
He ain't got enough money for a ticket.
You can always get a ticket.
But this is the last hat of its kind.
The Beavers have stopped making them.
They're all out playing football. $10.
He's a poor boy. He'll give you $1.
You take it?
I'll take it, but I'm only making $1 on it.
Rusty, give him $1.
What floor was that on?
First business I've ever done
with a dust storm.
It'll cost me $1 to have this cleaned.
$9 change, please.
- What change?
- That's $10.
Yes, so it is.
Money lover.
A dollar's a dollar,
and every dollar is taking me further West.
Us, too.
- What are you laughing at?
- That hat.
It looks ridiculous
with that coat he's got on.
- What's the matter with that coat?
- They clash.
I have a coat that goes with that hat.
Have you got a moment?
Come over here, son.
Now, this is a coat that's really a coat.
There's the finest deerskin jacket
I've ever seen.
Looks like it was made-to-order.
Now, let's see.
That's $20 plus $1. That's $21.
We meet you halfway. We give you $1.
You must have come the short way.
- Come on, Rusty. Give him $1.
- That's fine.
- Adios, gentlemen.
- $9 change, please.
- Change?
- That's $10.
So it is.
- Say, it looks a lot like the other one.
- It should.
Here's your change.
It's a pleasure to do business
with a man like you.
Our slogan is,
"The customer is always right. "
Say, did you see something
flying across here?
- Might have been a pigeon.
- No, it wasn't a pigeon. It was green.
- Must have been a frog.
- It had numbers on it.
Those were the license plates.
I guess it's my... No, it isn't.
I can't seem to locate
that $20 you gave me.
What $20? We no give you $20.
We give you $2.
$1 for the hat, and $1 for the coat.
That's right, yes,
but you gave me two $10.
Sure, and you give us $18 change.
$18 from $20 is $2.
- And you got mixed up.
- So stupid of me.
There's something corrupt
going on around my pants...
and I just can't seem to locate it.
If you think we're crooked,
we give you another $1.
I'm sorry if I had you fellows
pegged wrong.
I must have misunderstood you.
$9 change, please.
- You wouldn't wanna give me $1?
- No.
How about giving me 10 singles
and I'll give you 9 singles change?
- But we got no singles.
- I just gave him $18.
He sends money home to his mother.
- You want $1?
- Not if it's gonna cost me $9.
- You should watch your money.
- I'll watch my money. You watch him.
$9 change, please.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.
You count good, but where's the change?
- Didn't I just give it to you?
- No.
Rusty, did he give it to you?
You must have given it to yourself.
Somebody's giving it to me.
You know, all I want to do is go West...
not go broke. Good day, gentlemen.
- You forgot something.
- Now what's the matter?
- The sales tax.
- What sales tax?
For the stuff you just sold us.
We gotta give you another $1.
No, thanks. I couldn't afford it.
But it's against the law not to charge tax.
- You wanna go to jail?
- I won't say anything if you don't.
I won't say anything, but he might.
- What does he want to keep quiet?
- Nothing.
All he wants to do
is to give you another $1.
- He doesn't want $9 change?
- No, he'll take $5 and $4.
Give me it.
He'll take $5 and $4.
One, two.
Here's $3. There's $4.
Five, six, seven, eight, nine.
You know what I say,
I like to do business with you...
because I knew you were honest
the first time I see you.
The cornerstone of my success
is integrity.
- That's right.
- That's the only secure foundation.
That's what I said when I see you.
- When you have that, you have everything.
- Right. I know you're a good man.
I gotta do business.
I don't care about anything else.
You can conduct it another way,
but it's not permanent.
It's not the kind of thing
you can build your success on.
- That has been the climax of my success.
- That's what I said.
It's suddenly gotten very chilly in here.
Well, goodbye.
It seems that I've strayed into
a den of thieves.
However, it's a wise man
that profits by his previous mistakes...
and from herein, gentlemen...
I have made
some other financial arrangements.
It's been nice knowing you, gentlemen.
I'm glad to have made your acquaintance,
and a good day to you both.
- Good day.
- Goodbye.
Come on, Rusty.
Gentlemen, this is Mr. Terry Turner
who has just arrived from the West.
- Hello.
- How do you do?
Young man, I want you to tell these
gentlemen what you told me this morning.
I understand you are thinking
of building a railroad...
from Cripple Creek
north around the mountain.
And I'd like to ask you
to go in another direction.
I'd say the straightest way to go...
would be from Cripple Creek here
straight through to the Pacific.
You expect our trains
to fly over the mountains?
No, sir.
I expect your trains to go through here,
Dead Man's Gulch.
May I ask why you're so interested
in seeing that this land is sold?
Yes, sir. So that I can get married.
I think I understand.
- You own the land.
- No, sir, but my grandfather did.
He being quite a crook, he unloaded it
on my girl's grandfather, Dan Wilson.
Old Dan's been sore about it ever since.
It started a feud
between us Turners and the Wilsons.
And now he won't let me
marry his granddaughter.
If I could just prove to him
that I'm not a crook...
then maybe he could see the light.
After all, he's not a bad old coot.
I think Beecher should leave
as soon as he can to contact...
Dan Wilson, sir.
And arrange for the purchase
of the Dead Man's Gulch.
I don't know what's the matter.
I dig and dig, and the hole gets no bigger.
- I'm moving on.
- Yeah, but how about the gold?
There ain't no gold here.
I've been working Dead Man's Gulch
off and on for 40 years.
I'm convinced.
Mr. Wilson, why don't you quit?
I've got a little granddaughter
who's gotta be taken care of...
- and I won't last forever.
- Where you going?
I'll get a job until I get a grubstake,
and then I'll try again somewhere.
How much is a grubstake?
I reckon about $10 would see me through.
- We give you the $10.
- No, I couldn't take it.
But we got lots of money.
Then I'll take it, but it's just a loan.
That's all right.
Come on, Rusty, give him the $10.
No strings attached.
- Here you are.
- You gotta take some security...
and I ain't got no security
except a deed to Dead Man's Gulch.
- No, we no take your land.
- I'd feel better if you took it.
I don't reckon it's worth $10, though.
A fellow named Turner sold it to me
about 40 years ago.
Got me for my last cent.
If you boys meet up with any Turner
in this territory, shoot first.
First we steal his gun, then we shoot.
And, boys, when you get to Birch City...
look in on my little granddaughter,
will you?
And tell her
her old granddad will be back soon.
We'll tell her.
Let's go back to work. Come on.
Indians? You're crazy.
There's no Indians around here.
You can't walk around like that.
What do you think of it, Mr. Turner?
Now, Grandpa, stop glaring at Terry.
The Turners aren't as bad as you think.
Not all of them, anyway.
Darling!
- Darling, you've been gone a million years.
- Just three weeks.
- You were a million miles away.
- Only 2,000. Just to New York.
This is wrong.
You're a Turner and I'm a Wilson.
You should hate me and I should hate you.
Say, that sounds convincing.
- You mean it?
- Of course.
This much.
Do you hate me?
Yes. This much.
Hate me some more.
Terry, you really shouldn't be here.
If Grandpa ever sees you around...
Your grandpa won't be able to see
enough of me when he gets the $50,000.
- Fifty thousand what?
- Dollars, from the railroad company.
I sold them Dead Man's Gulch.
You sold Dead Man's...
I had a hunch,
and I followed it to New York.
I convinced the New York and Western...
a road through Dead Man's Gulch
would save them a fortune.
If that don't square things
between our families...
then your grandpa is a man
who just loves to hate.
But I love to hate.
I promise to hate, honor,
and obey you the rest of my life.
Eve, before I take you up on that...
I gotta fix it with your grandpa.
Where is he?
- Out in the desert, I guess.
- I've got to find him.
But not just yet.
That's no good. That's for horses.
I know you're thirsty. I'm thirsty, too.
Come on, we go into the saloon.
I get you a drink.
Rusty, I no like the West.
All the people do is kill each other.
I'd like the West better
if it was in the East.
Let's get out of here.
Letter. Pony express for you.
Game is over, boys.
Now, look here, Pete...
a whole week has gone by
and you still ain't brought Wilson in.
Get some more men.
Get some fresh horses.
I don't care how you do it,
but you find that desert rat.
Take it away.
Thirsty? My throat is dry,
just like the desert.
Yours, too?
Another, Joe.
Okay. There it is, Pete.
Hey, you!
What's the matter with you?
Put that down!
- What's going on here?
- Couple of tinhorns from the East.
Told them no money, no beer.
Then I turn my back, and he steals a glass.
- Why, you...
- He no steal it, mister.
We don't want no trouble. I'll pay.
You don't look as if
you had a dime between you.
No, but I give you an IOU.
Did you hear that, boy? An I owe me.
Sure, we're honest. We always pay.
Here, I owe you 10 cents. Joseph Panello.
That's rich and rare.
A business transaction, Joe.
Put it in the cash register
before somebody steals it.
Come on, you financiers, beat it.
Get out of here.
- You know where Dan Wilson's house is?
- Dan Wilson? Sure.
You just go half a mile up the road.
You can't miss it.
Say, you can do me a favor.
I got a telegram for Dan Wilson.
You can deliver it and save me the trip.
Sure, we'll deliver the telegram.
Maybe it's good news.
- There you are, and thanks very much.
- That's all right.
Dan Wilson. That means we don't open it.
You promise?
Right.
All right. We open it but we don't read it.
I no think I can trust you.
And I know you can't trust me.
So I tell you what we do.
I'll read it, but we don't listen.
Come on, put the fingers up.
Rusty, I cheated.
I listened.
You, too.
Mr. Beecher, we're here to meet you!
We're supposed to meet you!
Are you looking for John Beecher?
Sure, we've come to see him about
selling Dead Man's Gulch to the Railroad.
That's fine.
I'm John Beecher.
We don't recognize you, do we, Rusty?
Naturally you don't recognize me.
We've never met.
Then how do I know it's you?
If I don't know
what Mr. Beecher looks like...
the only way I can tell it's him
is if he wears a white carnation.
Well, the very idea!
I don't know anything about...
Now, look here, you two...
Old Mr. Beecher, we look all over for you.
- We're so glad to see you.
- Yes, I'm glad that's settled.
Now, which one of you gentlemen
is Mr. Wilson?
None of us.
We got a name: Panello.
But we own the land.
- You have the deed with you?
- Sure.
I mean, no.
He's trying to tell us
it's home in Birch City.
We'd better go there immediately.
Come along, gentlemen.
Just follow me, please.
Why you tell him where the deed is?
All the time you talk too much.
From now on, you keep your hands shut.
If that's only a mirage coming,
I'm gonna look like you in a few days.
Come on, stranger, hop in.
- Where did I see your face before?
- Right where it is now.
Blondie, how would you like to buy
a diamond necklace...
that formerly belonged
to the Czarina of Russia?
- How did you get it?
- I used to room with Rasputin.
- $1.
- I'll buy it. Lend me $10.
- Sure, Mr. Panello.
- $10.
$9 change, please.
Let's forget about it.
Madam, why is that baby
constantly crying?
He can't stand the jerks in the coach.
Now wait a minute, boys.
It was nothing personal.
She didn't mean anything by it.
$10 for every ditch you hit.
- I'm so sorry.
- I must get myself straightened around.
- That's it, around.
- Let my bustle go!
Attaboy.
- I can fix this bustle myself!
- All right, he's just helping you.
Madam, it's none of my business,
but are you wearing a revolving door?
If you are,
I'd like to go around with you sometime.
Mr. Panello, instead of bargaining with you
for the rights of the land...
I intend to make you a liberal offer,
which I feel you'll instantly accept.
How much you gonna pay us for this land?
$500.
$500! We're gonna be rich!
Now, all I need is both your signatures.
On the bottom.
There you are. Thank you.
I'll give you $1,000.
- How dare you, you meddlesome fool!
- I heard that!
If you weren't so small,
I'd flog the daylights out of you.
- But I'm bigger than you.
- That's another reason.
You'll pay us double for this land
than the Railroad?
Yes, and it's a lucky thing for you
I got here in time.
Mr. Panello,
you don't know who he represents.
At least you know my offer is bona fide.
That's right.
How do we know your offer is bona fide?
- Are your hands clean?
- Sure.
Then here's my card.
"Bona Fide Oil Company.
S.Quentin Quale, Pres. "
Look. His whole company is bona fide.
In all my long business experience,
I've dealt with every important oil firm...
- and I've never heard of your company.
- You haven't?
Evidently you don't read
the bankruptcy notices.
It works out fine.
We get your land, you get $1,000...
and our friend here
gets bounced by the Railroad...
for letting this oily deal
slip through his greasy fingers.
If you don't mind,
would you mind taking your feet down?
It's a good joke.
Wait till the Railroad hears about this.
It's more than your land is worth, really...
but I'll stretch a point. $1,500.
Oh, boy. Stop it.
For $1,500, I write good.
- $2,000.
- $3,000.
- $4,000.
- $5,000.
$6,000.
- He says $6,000. What do you say?
- I wash my hands of this whole deal!
Try this soap.
We're having a special on it today.
It's $1 a cake, or two cakes for 25 cents.
Where's my bag?
Please. The contract.
Now, gentlemen, please...
Give me my hat!
- What's the idea?
- Where is my hat?
- Where's my hat?
- Where is my hat? There it is.
Here's yours.
Gentlemen, I have a whole railroad
on my shoulders...
- and I'd like to get something done!
- I want my hat!
You have my hat, madam. Here's your hat.
Have you a fountain pen?
I've got to get a contract signed.
Do you mind if I take my hat?
I've never been on a trip like this before.
Where is it anyway? Who has my bustle?
- Sit in your own seat.
- Give me my bustle!
- Mr. Beecher, no hard feelings.
- Wait, Panello.
I'll admit you've got me
in hot water, but...
Please.
Why don't you let me get this signed?
- Where's my hat?
- Here.
Nobody can outshoot Two-Gun Quale.
Boys, sweep them out of the gutter.
- Why, there's nobody out there.
- Well, sweep out the gutter.
Say, all the beautiful stems in here
are not on the wine glasses.
Lulubelle, it's you.
I didn't recognize you standing up.
- Vamoose, you goose.
- Nice piece of poetry.
Say, if you wanna stay healthy,
I'd keep shy of Lulubelle.
She's Red Baxter's girl.
Who's Red Baxter?
We'll settle this right now.
- Where's Red Baxter?
- Here.
- Where?
- Here!
You should've been home.
The pot of gold called.
Yes, they want their pot back.
- Why, you...
- Hold on, Red.
This is the gentleman who's selling us
the deed to the Wilson property.
No hard feelings, stranger.
Welcome to Crystal Palace.
Now then, Quale,
have you the deed with you?
I'll have the deed pronto,
whatever that means.
- That's fine. Bring it to Mr. Baxter's office.
- Yes.
Lulubelle, I want you to be good
to this little boy here.
- Come on, son.
- Bye, Daddy.
I'll sell Red the deed.
Then if you get your father's consent...
we'll get married,
if I can get my wife's consent.
Step aside, boys. This is love on the run.
- Yes. Let's have the deed.
- We ain't got it exactly.
I made them agree to $10,000,
and now you stall. Get the deed.
We'll get it if you lend us 10 cents.
10 cents?
I'm promoting this deal, not financing it.
Here.
How they handle all this and ride a horse
at the same time is beyond me.
She's mad about me,
as what woman isn't?
I know, you're going to ask
what is my secret.
You rotter. You scrounge.
The secret is never let her know you care.
Never pursue her. Let her pursue you.
Fan the flame of desire
with the bellows of indifference.
Didn't we meet at Monte Carlo
the night you blew your brains out?
How we laughed!
Foolish, foolish child.
It's madness,
this thing that's happened to us.
It can never be.
We come from different stock.
Suppose I brought you
to my country place...
at Drooling-on-the-Lapel?
What would my people say?
They'd phrase it more delicately.
Go! Let's break clean.
Rusty, now's your chance.
Nobody's looking. Get back the IOUs.
Why don't you let me go?
Let's keep this a perfect memory...
and someday this bitter ache shall pass,
my sweet.
Time wounds all heals.
There's a drunk sitting at the first table
who looks exactly like you.
And one who looks exactly like me.
Dull, isn't it?
He's so full of alcohol...
if you put a lighted wick in his mouth,
he'd burn for three days.
Here's the deed. Let's collect.
You got the bag for the money?
Fine. You wait here and I'll be right back.
It's our deed and our money.
Why should you go alone?
I give you my word as an embezzler
that I'll be back in two minutes.
Rusty, in two minutes,
Dan Wilson is gonna be rich.
Let's have some fun. Come on.
Rusty, I'm so happy
I'd like to play the piano.
You want I should play?
It's about time.
I thought you wasn't gonna ask me.
Mister, can I play the piano?
He said yes. All right.
Yeah, sure. Two minutes is all we got.
We can relax now. No matter what route
the Railroad decides on...
they'll have to come to terms
with Beecher and Baxter.
Baxter and Beecher.
- Yes, of course.
- Yes.
Mr. Quale, everything is signed,
sealed, and delivered.
Yeah, but not yet paid for.
Let's get down to brass tacks,
or rather, greenbacks.
How about the $10,000?
This alligator hasn't eaten in a week.
- What are you talking about?
- The money this volcano owes me...
for making those numskulls
hand over Dead Man's Gulch.
That's right.
Our friend bid me up to $10,000...
when all they wanted was $500.
Competition's the life of trade.
Not around here, it ain't.
How about $9,000? $8,000?
How about $6,000?
How about the combination to the safe?
We don't want to appear
like we're not grateful.
We're gonna give you $500.
$500? I came up here intending to cheat
those two fellows out of $10,000.
You want me to cheat them out of $500?
What do you think I am? A cheat?
It's impossible.
I just got another idea.
We are not gonna pay you nothing.
That's one way of reducing your overhead.
- I want that deed back.
- Not a chance.
- Baxter, I want that deed back.
- Not a chance.
I'm not through with you yet.
There's a law in this state.
Before you call in the law,
there's something I want to show you.
Wait a minute! I'll fix that.
- See that shelf down there by the bar?
- Yes.
- Do you see the bottles on the shelf?
- Yes.
- Do you see the corks on the bottles?
- Yes.
- You see that man sleeping at the table?
- Yes.
- See his nose?
- Yes.
- See the fly on the end of his nose?
- Yes.
You've certainly got good eyesight.
- Here, water! Give him some water.
- Brandy.
Force brandy down my throat.
Where's the dime I lent you?
Look, the bag is empty.
Where's the money?
I gave them the deed,
but they refused to give me the $10,000.
I'd have hit them within an inch
of their lives, but I'd no tape measure.
You said you was an embezzler, but
you don't fool me. I knew you was a crook.
There's only one law in the West:
The law of blood and bullets.
It's either shoot or get shot.
- What are we gonna do?
- Sue 'em.
Come on, Rusty.
We'll show them you're not afraid.
Look out, Red!
This must be the house.
Listen. It's nice.
She must be the girl who minds the baby.
Don't be afraid of us, miss.
We're friends of Dan Wilson.
- You are?
- Sure.
Any resemblance between
these two characters and living persons...
is purely accidental.
Come in.
I didn't mean to be rude.
I was expecting someone else.
Won't you sit down, please?
I thought I knew all of Grandpa's friends
but I don't seem to recognize you.
Of course not. You don't know me.
People who know him
don't recognize him either.
Could we please see
Dan Wilson's little granddaughter?
- I'm his granddaughter.
- I'm expecting a baby.
You'd make a wonderful mother.
Are you sure you're not a little baby?
Because we brought you a present.
- It's lovely.
- Yeah, that's the best one we could steal.
Now Dan Wilson's got two little babies.
Do you know where my grandpa is?
I'm awfully worried about him.
He has a deed to some property
the Railroad wants to buy...
- and we can't find him.
- Your grandpop ain't got the deed.
- You know who's got the deed?
- No.
Your grandpop.
- Is anything wrong?
- No.
- Is something wrong with Grandpa?
- No, everything is fine.
That's good.
He's been so wonderful to me.
Gone without things
just so I could have them.
Now he'll be able to have everything
he's always wanted and couldn't afford.
He'll be able to go places
he's read about and couldn't see.
It'll be wonderful for us, too.
Terry and me, I mean.
We can get married.
Just one little thing happens
and the whole world is different.
- There is something wrong, isn't there?
- The only thing wrong...
is that your grandfather's deed
is in Red Baxter's safe.
Red Baxter? My grandfather
wouldn't have anything to do with him.
- He knows he's a crook.
- We didn't.
You see, Miss Wilson, your grandfather
gave the deed to these boys.
Security for a loan.
And Red Baxter stole it from them.
Don't worry. You couldn't help it.
But if you see Grandpa,
don't mention it to him.
What almost happened, I mean.
You see, he's old.
What about this Terry?
We're young. Another miracle will happen.
You're right. Come on, miracle men.
We also double at weddings as best men.
Will you keep quiet?
We've gotta work fast.
Baxter might come back.
Don't be afraid. If any trouble starts,
we'll telephone for help.
Telephone? This is 1870.
Don Ameche hasn't invented
the telephone yet.
The safe's in there. Come on.
- There she is, gentlemen. Proceed.
- That's a boy.
- Come on, Mary Lou. We can relax in here.
- Okay.
Those dopes
are trying to crack open the safe.
Send for Baxter and the boys.
- Where are they?
- I don't know. Find them!
How will I find them?
I don't know where they are.
Wait a minute.
- Did you say something?
- I no say nothing.
If it's me, my voice is certainly changing.
Carry on.
You dope!
That will teach you. Never trust me again.
Listen, you bring back some drinks,
and I'll try to keep them here.
- Can you handle all three?
- No.
Better bring another girl.
That redhead's a demon.
I could swear I heard voices.
There's nothing to worry about.
They're in the next room.
They are?
It's you.
I wish you'd stop talking to yourself.
Now, if you'll pardon me, I'm busy.
- Why, honey child.
- I'm not that busy.
Let's go somewhere
where we can be alone.
There doesn't seem to be anyone
on this couch.
I got a hunch Quale ain't got
his mind on his business.
Who hasn't?
That don't look like Red Baxter.
I beg your pardon,
I thought you were Mr. Baxter.
My eyes aren't what they used to be.
- Who do you wish to see?
- Not "who. " Whom do you wish to see?
I thought you were up here
looking for the deed.
I was just trying to find out
what she knows.
She looks like she knows plenty,
but not about the deed.
Come on, let's go back to work.
- Hello, boys.
- Maybe we can work in here.
No, I think we better toddle along.
We'll be back later, girls.
- Me, alone.
- Me, too.
- Did you get Baxter?
- Yes, he's on his way.
- Did you miss me?
- Hello, lambie-pie.
Sure, now, you can't up and leave us.
Gentlemen, how would you all like
a mint julep?
It's been years since I've tasted
the nectar of the Old South.
However, if you insist.
I take one, too,
just so he don't drink alone.
We get them drunk, then they won't know
what we're here after.
That's right, blabbermouth,
keep it a secret.
You keep them busy,
and I'll help Rusty crack open the S-A-F-F.
You're a one-man fifth column.
- You wanna know something?
- Not a great deal.
Dixie just wouldn't be Dixie
without a mint julep.
And you know something else, Scarlett?
Dixie wouldn't be Dixie without Dixie.
My compliments on this julep, ladies.
It's as sweet as you are, and twice as cool.
- Have another one, honey child.
- I'll take one more.
If you insist, I'll have eight more.
Come on, let's sing.
Mint juleps always make me sing.
Let's just drink.
How about some more mint juice?
- No, come on, let's sing.
- Yeah, come on.
- Come on, girls, we'll all sing now.
- Let's sing!
How about another drink?
Don't put any ice in mine.
It takes up too much room.
Gentlemen, let's drink to the South,
land of milk and honey.
The bee who collected this honey
must have some hangover.
A toast to where we girls was born:
South Carolina.
Mississippi.
Louisiana.
I thought these girls were sisters.
They are,
but their mother lived in a trailer.
It's a funny thing. I'm not drunk,
but what's the ceiling doing on the floor?
Your julep, coming right up.
What? Before I drink it?
You know something?
My stomach, she feels cute.
A toast to where we girls was born:
South Carolina.
Mississippi.
Louisiana.
I feel another song coming on.
Never mind the song.
A toast to where we girls was born:
South Carolina.
Mississippi.
Louisiana.
Hold tight, toots.
I feel another song coming on.
I'm gonna sing you a song
that I wrote myself...
with the aid of Stephen Foster.
A toast to where we girls was born:
South Carolina.
Mississippi. Louisiana.
Let me off at Rhode Island.
- Have another, honey child.
- I'll take one more.
If you insist, I'll have eight more.
Come on, let's sing.
Mint juleps always make me sing.
No, let's just drink.
How about some more mint juice?
No, come on, let's sing. Come on!
To my father, Col. Rufus Quale.
To Sunday dinner on the old plantation.
Chicken okra, corn pone,
shortening bread...
pickled watermelon, and a stomach pump.
Gentlemen, the South.
Less whiskey next time.
My glass can't take it.
- Come on, put them up!
- Come on, girls.
- Sober them up.
- Come on, you two. Sober up.
Pull yourself up.
- I must be drunk.
- Come on, up you go.
Scarlett, sugar, I loves you.
Stand up on your feet, you weasels.
Come on, stand up.
Red, the safe's open. The deed's gone.
- That redhead must've taken it.
- Find him.
You say you're sorry and we'll let you go.
Shut up. Now turn around.
No, the other way.
No, the both of you!
Turn around and face the window!
Go on, now.
- I don't like your faces.
- I suppose you think we like them.
Drop that cannon. Put your hands up.
Drop that gun and get your hands up.
Drop gun. Put your hands up.
All right, Pete,
drop your gun and get your hands up.
I wouldn't have known where to come
if Eve hadn't left me an invitation.
All right, folks, you can break ranks now.
Not you.
Maybe Mr. Beecher
would like to return the deed.
- It's not here. It's been stolen.
- Sure, you stole it.
Good. Put it in your pocket.
We'll deliver the deed
to the railroad officials in New York...
just to save you the trouble.
All right, boys, outside. You, too, Eve.
Which way did the women go?
You know, Beecher, it takes a smart man
to know when he's licked.
Maybe between you two
there's enough brains to figure that out.
Come on!
Open up this door and let us out of here.
- Red, wait a minute.
- Wait a minute, nothing!
If they deliver that deed to the officials,
we're sunk.
The only way they can get back East
is on the train that leaves tomorrow.
I know.
If they miss that train, they'll
have to wait a week for the next one.
- Can you sell our land to the railroad?
- In a week, I can sell them anything.
We'll be on that train tomorrow,
but something tells me they'll miss it.
Come on, open up!
Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight?
These Indians are friendly
if you treat them right.
Wait here.
I don't know why we don't sleep
at a regular motel.
That's the silliest-looking object
I've ever seen.
Eve, you take the small tepee.
We'll share the other. Come on.
She gave him the Indian sign.
Are you the chief that runs
from Chicago to Los Angeles in 39 hours?
Now wait a minute.
See, you got the chief mad.
Let me talk to him.
- Can you talk Indian?
- I was born in Indianapolis.
He wants to know
if you want starch in your shirts.
Why don't you open the window?
Panello, this Indian's no Indian.
If he's no Indian,
why is he wearing a chicken for a hat?
He's half-Indian and half-ostrich.
Stop trying to pass yourself off
as a red man.
Why, you can't even speak the language.
Let me hear you recite Hiawatha
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
That's not it.
If it is, they've shortened it
since I went to school.
And you call yourself a red man.
And you call yourself a white man.
Let's go.
What did he say?
He said first they'll give us a fair trial,
then they'll kill us.
White man talk too much.
Make chief heap mad.
White man red man's friend.
White man wanna make friends
with red brother.
And sister, too.
Are you insinuating that the white man
is not the Indian's friend?
Who swindled you
out of Manhattan Island for $24?
White man.
Who stood your wooden statue
in front of a cigar store?
Who put your head on a nickel
and then took the nickel away?
Slot machine.
Members of the tribe...
I rest my case.
How would you like a little necklace
that belonged to the Czarina of Russia?
No like. Me want Cadillac sedan.
She's been off the reservation.
Wait a minute.
I don't want a scalp treatment.
Look, just to prove we're your friends,
we give you this totem pole.
It's stimulating when two giant intellects
get together.
- Who's that?
- Him medicine man.
That's a medicine man?
Can you imagine taking
a teaspoonful of him every three hours?
Chief like paleface who no talk.
You paleface friend. Chief like you, too.
Red man, you're a white man.
Come on.
You get a canoe later, and I'll paddle you.
Let's go.
I tell you, there's nothing to worry about.
They ain't gonna get on that train,
not while my boys are on the job.
- You haven't seen them?
- No.
- Well?
- It's no use.
Baxter's men are everywhere.
I'll get on the train
if I have to shoot my way on.
They'll outshoot you 10-to-1.
If they reach New York first and sell
their land, the deed'll be worthless.
We could ride ahead
and get on at the next station.
That's right. We'll cut through the pass.
Come on.
I got an idea
we better get on that train, too.
- Get off of that train. You're fired.
- What is this?
You're both fired.
You got no driver's license.
- I'll get this guy!
- I'll take care of you.
Run him through!
Touch!
I hate train rides. Don't you, Red?
Not this one, baby.
There's $250,000 at the end of the line.
"Pressure valve. Piston rods.
"How to cool off a hotbox. "
Maybe that book is no good.
Of course it's good.
It's an engineer's manual.
But suppose the engineer's name
ain't Manuel?
Then he's gotta change his name.
He can't make a fool out of this book.
Here we are: "How to start an engine. "
Slowly pull the throttle.
They need better engineers on this road.
When they pay for our land,
they won't have money left for engineers.
Attaboy, Rusty!
Rusty steers good.
The train is still on the track.
We must be coming to the station.
Yeah, I just remembered.
We gotta stop the train for the kids.
How're you gonna stop it?
It doesn't say in here.
Maybe it's in the next issue.
Wait a minute, I'll find out.
Hey, brother, how do you stop this thing?
The brake! Get me out of this!
You know,
this is the best gag in the picture.
The brake!
He said something about the brake.
The brake!
Attaboy, Rusty. You break the brake.
Come on, honey. We made it.
How do we stop?
Try dragging your feet.
Come on. We stop the train. Follow us.
No, let's borrow this.
They're following us.
I don't understand.
We're supposed to stop.
Tell the engineer full speed ahead.
No stops.
I'll tell him myself. Come on, Beecher.
- Come on, Beecher!
- Right with you, Red.
They've tied up the engineer and fireman.
Come on, hurry up!
There's something about you
that brings out the animal in me.
I know how to stop the train.
We pull the cord.
She's at top speed
and now they wanna stop!
- Don't stop!
- We won't stop!
It's no stop.
That's what you get for back-seat driving.
- Company's coming.
- Wait a minute!
We've finally caught up with you.
Stay where you are, Beecher.
We'll be out of this tunnel in a minute.
I'm not going to waste
any more time on you.
- Catch them, Red.
- Come on.
Where'd you get his gun? In the tunnel?
That's good.
- Where'd they go?
- Up the ladder, I guess.
We make the engineer stop the train.
They're up forward. Come on.
We'll uncouple the cars
and leave them behind.
That ought to get rid of them.
We'll uncouple the cars
and leave them behind.
That's a good idea.
That's fine.
We're on the wrong car!
Hang on, Rusty.
Don't let the train get away!
- Here they come!
- And here we go.
Lulubelle, you have beautiful eyes.
I hope you kids have a deck of cards.
The only way to stop the engine
is to put water on the fire.
Hold on, Eve. Giddap!
Just a minute, Red.
What happened?
What's the matter?
- First we throw the wood off.
- Splendid.
Get away from that wood!
Leave that wood alone!
- Get away from there!
- Drop that wood!
- There they are.
- I'll take care of them.
- Where are you?
- I can't see.
Hold on, there.
- There he is.
- Come and get me, boys.
- Get him, Red.
- I'll get you. I'll skin you alive!
Carsick.
Seasick.
If you gentlemen want anything, just ring.
Let's get this fire out. That'll stop it.
I wish Rusty would hurry up
with the water.
- This is good.
- Now she'll stop.
Dante's inferno.
- Terry, they're stopping!
- Come on, boy! Giddap!
We stopped the train.
See, I tell you we stop the train.
I knew you would stop the train.
I'm just as surprised as you are.
If that's water,
I'm glad I don't touch the stuff.
We gotta stop it. How do you stop it?
I don't know.
I've never been in an engine before.
Open the door.
How many times
do I have to let you boys out?
- This train is out of fuel.
- This rig will get us there.
Stop it! Stop that horse!
There they go.
There goes our last chance
to help those kids.
We've gotta get after them.
But we can't start the train.
There's no more wood.
There's plenty of wood.
What are you worrying about?
They can't follow us without any fuel.
There's no wood left on the train.
- What do you mean there's no wood?
- Look around.
- We'll keep the train going.
- Look at those boxes, barrels, and trunks.
Red, the deal's as good as closed.
Then what are we rushing for?
Come on!
Dump your baggage. Attaboy!
Send it all here.
Come on, quick.
You're slowing up, up there.
You got any trunks up there?
You better throw some butter in, too.
I'm throwing anything you hand me.
I can handle all you got.
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah, pop goes the diesel.
Where are you, Quale?
Send for a Saint Bernard dog.
I'm snowbound.
I guess that will stop them.
I think we hit a cow.
We're off the track.
We're plowing up a farm!
Rusty, it's just like the merry-go-round.
I bet you can't get the brass ring
out of the bull's nose.
Come on down.
There's a lovely fire in the living room.
Hurray! We're back on the tracks!
- We need more wood.
- Timber!
Come on.
Too bad that nice new train
is all smashed up, Beecher.
- Yeah, I wonder how it happened.
- I wonder.
- Here they come.
- Giddap, there!
I don't see them ahead.
- We need more wood.
- Timber!
Keep to your seat. What's the matter
with you? Come on, boy.
Timber!
What happened?
They're catching up!
We'll never make it! Come on.
Swim for it.
Now, ladies and gentlemen...
the President
of the New York and Western Railroad...
will cut the tape, drive the spike...
and bank the eight ball
in the corner pocket.
Take it away, friends!
We owe you boys a lot.
It shall be your honor
to drive the golden spike.
English