You know what I like about Christmas?
The surprises.
You get this box and you're
sure of what's inside.
You shake it, weigh it.
You're convinced you have it pegged.
No doubt in your mind.
But then you open it
and it's different.
You know. Wow! Bang! Surprise!
I mean, it's kind of like
you and me here, you know?
I'm not saying it's anything it's not.
Come on, this time yesterday,
who would've thunk it?
Paper or plastic?
Paper or plastic?
- Paper or plastic?
- Both.
You didn't double my coupons?
They're at the bottom in red,
where it says "double coupons."
You can't put bleach in
the same bag as food. It's poison.
Don't think you're something
you're not. I had your job.
Look how far it got you.
Nothing brings back warm holiday
memories like the songs you love.
- Don't.
- Why not?
Because she's been on for 14 hours.
- Ronna?
- No.
- I didn't ask yet.
- The answer's no.
Christmas is a time for giving.
Mistletoe?
Pardon me if I'm not in
a holly-jolly mood right now.
I'm getting evicted.
Tomorrow.
They wouldn't evict you at Christmas.
You'd be ho-ho-homeless.
- How much you owe?
- $380.
- That's nothing.
- It's more than I got.
Want my shift?
My best mates are going
to Las Vegas this weekend.
I've never been.
I'm told it's incredible.
If you take my shift,
I can go with them. Everybody wins.
Cash up front?
Deal.
I'll throw in an extra $20
for a blowjob.
Any available cashier.
I need a cashier up at the front.
Look, I went the last time.
Okay. Dead Celebrities.
Loser goes up.
Omar Sharif.
Steve McQueen.
Michael Landon.
Lee Marvin.
Shit.
Malcolm X.
You can't say Malcolm X.
He's famous. He's dead.
That's a rule.
Nothing starts with an "X."
That's not my problem.
You can challenge.
- I challenge.
- Bullshit!
Give me one dead celebrity
that begins with an "X."
Fuck!
There is one.
I know I thought of one before.
Break was over four minutes ago.
Who's up front?
I am.
X erxes.
X erxes.
Some dead pharaoh guy,
and his name starts with an "X."
That wasn't it.
Never heard of fucking X erxes.
Pharaoh could've saved your ass.
There's an opera about him.
X erxes.
I took Music Appreciation twice.
What do you mean, he's snowed in?
What's he doing in Chicago anyway?
Look, just call me
when you get to a landline.
He can't get out of the airport.
We're fucked.
Is the British guy still here?
He went to Vegas for the weekend.
Vegas.
Hi...
...Ronna. Right?
Where can I get something
to go with this juice?
Doughnuts, aisle four.
I was hoping for something
more euphoric.
The British guy hooks us up.
How much?
- Twenty at $20.
- You're overpaying.
We're desperate. We're going to
a party at a warehouse. What is it?
"Mary X-mas Superfest."
- You going?
- We had a pre-party planned.
But it's all or nothing
because there's 20 of us.
My friend's stuck in Chicago.
He was supposed to come through for us.
We're dead.
If you could do anything...
...to help us out...
Please.
I'll see.
Give me your number.
Kick ass! Thank you.
So you wanna buy all this OJ?
Absolutely.
You know Simon's in Vegas?
I don't need Simon. I'm going to Todd.
Todd Gaines?
Who's Todd Gaines?
That's Simon's dealer.
You can't go around Simon like that.
Listen, if Simon were here,
which he's not, he'd charge $15...
...when he gets it for $10.
Times 20 hits, that's $100.
It's a leap. You're moving up
the drug food chain without permission.
You shouldn't do this.
Why can't you chill the fuck out, okay?
It's just once.
When Simon gets back, we can still
overpay if it makes you happy.
But this is my deal.
Just sit back and watch.
- Speak.
- Todd, it's Ronna Martin.
You know me through Simon.
Can I come up?
I thought you bought
quarters off of Simon.
At least, what Simon
pretends are quarters.
I keep him honest.
At that level, you should pinch.
It's the economics.
You leaving?
Be good.
I take it this is not a social call.
I need a favour.
I didn't know we were
such good friends.
If we were, you'd know
I give head before I give favours.
I ain't giving my best friends head...
...so your chance of getting a favour
is pretty slim.
Tell me what you wanna buy.
Twenty hits of Ecstasy.
You come here out of the blue
asking for 20 hits...
...when 20 is the magic number where
"intent to sell" becomes "trafficking"?
- I'd never fuck you like that.
- How would you fuck me?
This is real.
Pharmaceutical grade,
not that crunchy, herbal rave shit.
Don't let anybody double dose.
They'll fry in the emergency room.
- Understood.
- Only one hit per headbanger.
Understood.
Twenty at $15 is $300.
Fifteen?
I was thinking more like 10.
I know you charge Simon 10.
Inflation is a bitch.
There are 20 of us.
I need all of this.
But I only have $200.
That's all I have.
No, no. Hear me out.
Hear me out, okay?
This $200 is like a down payment.
All right?
You give me the stuff...
...I go to them, get the extra $100,
come back and pay you.
That would be doing you a favour.
And you know how I feel about favours.
I could leave something with you.
Collateral.
I already got a fucking Swatch.
I need something
I know you'll come back for.
- I'm not going.
- It's 45 minutes.
Hour, tops. Just sit there.
He's a drug dealer.
Jesus, Claire.
Don't get 8-1-8 on me here.
How much have I done for you?
No. You're making me an accessory.
Claire, my bracelet you're wearing,
that's an accessory.
You're just some chick
sitting in an apartment.
I'm not.
Okay. No bullshit, okay?
I don't get this money, I get evicted.
My ass is on the street.
Claire, I don't have anyone else
to go to, okay?
I'm coming to you
and I am asking for help.
Please.
Fine. 45 minutes.
That's 8:00.
We'll be back by 8. I promise.
It's 237.
Jesus! Next time, ask for directions.
You're a pro.
I'm a top-seeded amateur.
And I'm a very happy man.
Come on in.
Damn glad to meet you, Rhonda.
Ronna.
When I heard Philly got snowed in,
I told these guys...
...it was getting loose there.
I'm glad we found you.
Work, work, work.
Friday must be a busy night.
That was just a friend.
What can I get you to drink?
Some of that orange juice
would be great.
Great.
All right.
I understand...
...this party's gonna be huge.
Massive.
Traci Lords is a promoter.
She is.
That's what I heard.
Ron, hon, we are fresh out of OJ.
Cerveza?
Hey, we bought a bunch
of orange juice tonight.
I just left it in the car.
But I can go get it.
Zack tells me that you've got 20 at $20.
Is that right?
You got a bathroom?
It's down the hall on the right.
Let me show you.
Maybe we could do this first?
Fuck!
We said Chicago. You said Philly.
I mean, maybe she didn't notice.
Everybody just keep it calm.
We're good.
You're fine.
Everything all right?
Fine.
Shit!
Shit!
It's all yours.
Ronna, hon, do we got
a deal here or not?
No, actually, we don't. I came
to tell you I couldn't get anything.
A resourceful girl like you?
I don't believe that.
It's true.
I just wanna make a deal here.
Can we?
Who the fuck are you? Monty Hall?
Did you know I'm only 17?
I probably shouldn't be drinking beer.
Seeing as I'm so...
...underage and all?
That means, get away from the door.
We go back to Todd's,
say they didn't show up...
...then exchange the pills for Claire.
We can't.
- Why not?
- Because they're gone! I flushed them!
Think of something.
I need 100 bucks or 20 hits of X.
What?
You took one, didn't you?
Fuck you, Mannie!
How could you do this to me?
I need you now.
Drive!
Where?
Just drive.
I have an idea.
Were they round or oval?
White.
Round.
Like aspirin.
Like baby aspirin.
A or B?
B.
You're sure?
Well, I wasn't really looking.
Stop fucking paging me, Claire!
Speak.
I'm just licking my dick.
What's up with you?
It's called the Crazy Horse.
You have to look it up.
I don't know what I'm up to.
Where's this party at?
The party?
Where's it at?
It's called "Mary X-mas."
"Mary," like a chick.
Like her name is Mary.
Not like you marry her,
you fucking moron.
I don't know. It's some warehouse shit.
Will this be cool?
Yeah, I guess.
My friend Claire here says
it's gonna be a kick-ass fucking time.
What, you know her?
It's your buddy Simon.
He's in Vegas.
Yeah, I know.
She knows.
Hell, I don't know.
Maybe.
Well, save a load for me, big boy.
Whatever.
What do you want for Christmas, Claire?
I don't know.
Do you wanna get laid?
No.
No, you don't wanna get laid?
Or no, you do, but you don't wanna
get laid with me?
Look, they'll be here.
They'll be here.
Are you a virgin?
What?
Come on, Claire.
Answer the question.
Answer the question, Claire!
Breakfast Club. I get it.
Very funny.
Don't say anything.
Try not to look so stoned.
This girl's brother already
came through with it...
I understand that.
Let me just, you know,
fill out a return slip here...
...and the manager will give
you a refund.
I'm trying to explain to you
what happened.
They already got the stuff somewhere
else. It was a miscommunication.
I can hear your thoughts.
Xiang Kai-Shek.
Famous Chinese ruler.
Starts with "X."
No, "C"
Chiang Kai-Shek.
You're going to die.
I'm keeping $50. Call it interest.
I'm really sorry about all this.
I just gave you a favour.
Here I thought you just gave me head.
Crown me.
At the risk of sounding like,
you know...
...me...
...what'll you do about being evicted?
Aren't you still short?
What?
I'm Kelly and this is Donna.
We're wondering
if you wanna hang out.
I think I feel something.
It's really smooth, isn't it?
Donna's brother here is a pharmacist,
so he got it for us.
His name's Chip. My brother.
Is it like a wave?
Or is it like a zoom?
It's like...
...floating.
Like...
..." Hey, man, how's the ground
down there?" and shit.
I got it.
Holy shit!
Fuck, yeah!
Shit!
It's really that cool?
Man, you gotta try this shit.
I'll buy it for you.
You know what makes it even better?
If you take, like,
a lot of pot with it.
I mean, like, a lot of pot.
I can't believe
you're selling allergy medicine.
We're out of that.
We're down to chewable aspirin.
Some people are saying
that you got some really good stuff.
Show me your tits.
So how much have you made?
Four hundred.
Where'd you get it?
This girl inside.
She and her friend had it.
Ecstasy. The real shit?
Pharmaceutical grade.
None of the crunchy, herbal rave shit.
Best 20 bucks you could spend.
What's wrong?
I can't feel my hands.
Jesus, you're burning up.
I can't carry you, okay?
I'm leaving you here.
I'm gonna go get the car.
All right? Just hide here, okay?
Just like a little mouse.
I'm gonna get the car, then come
back for you. I'll see you soon, okay?
How are sales?
I can explain.
I'm not gonna ask you to.
It's not a highly ethical industry.
But goddamn, you fucked me over
for 20 lousy hits.
It's not what it looks like.
It sort of is, but it's complicated.
Not really.
I know I fucked up, okay?
Please...
...I can make it up to you.
I'm the last person
you should ask a favour from.
I have the money.
I have more than I owe you.
So now you're an entrepreneur.
Jalisco? Where's Jalisco?
In Mexico.
Simon, no one is going
to take your shift.
Nothing brings back
warm holiday memories like...
Don't.
Why not?
Because she's been on for 14 hours.
- Ronna.
- No.
- I didn't ask yet.
- The answer's no.
Christmas is a time for giving.
Mistletoe?
- How much you owe?
- $380.
- That's nothing.
- It's more than I got.
Want my shift?
My best mates are going
to Las Vegas this weekend.
I've never been.
I'm told it's incredible.
If you take my shift,
I can go with them. Everybody wins.
Cash up front?
Deal.
I'll give you an extra $20
for a blowjob.
Fucking let me out of here!
What?
Shut your big butt.
Motherfucking jack-in-the-box!
Dude, you passed out
before we left L.A.
He still looks great.
Watch out.
Damn!
Man, watch the kicks!
That is nasty.
Peep this.
This chick's bobbing up and down
on my dick like Marilyn Chambers...
She found your dick?
Then she moves around the outside.
She's painting the tree.
It hits her in the eye.
And her contact? It's, like, stuck
on the end of my dick.
Yo, her contact is stuck
on the end of my dick!
Was it hard or soft?
My dick?
- The contact lens.
- Remember if it was coloured?
That she had two blue eyes...
...and now one blue and one brown?
What does it matter?
It matters because it happened to me.
That was my story.
I told that story a year ago, man.
The difference is I knew
those small details.
That and my story was true.
Whatever.
"Whatever"?
Whatever.
What do you mean?
Pull your stinky dinky out of my ass!
I was making conversation.
Fuck!
Give a nigger a break!
"Nigger"? What nigger, this nigger?
I told you my mother's mother's
mother was black.
This ain't Roots.
Show me this Nubian's picture.
I don't carry her picture.
If you were less black,
you'd be clear.
She was black as night!
Okay, stop! Truce!
Shut up!
Man, I see black.
I know I am.
Colour's a state of mind, Marcus.
You know, you're right.
Thank you, Rhythm Nation.
Fuck you, Vanilla Ice.
So what does Valentina do?
- Valentina's a nutritionist.
- Nice.
She also teaches a class
at this college.
Class? What class?
It's called
"Tantric Sexuality for Couples."
She teaches people how to fuck?
Yo, I taught myself.
Yo, are you done yet, girl?
That's a shrimp ass.
That shrimp's full of iodine.
This shit's expensive. You're spending
$5 for lettuce and seeds.
Damn!
The thing is, most people...
...don't know how to make love.
They stick it in, move it around
till they get off.
But what Tantra teaches you
is how to deepen...
...prolong the sexual experience.
Bring it to a higher level.
If one man in 10 was having the sex
I'm having, there'd be no war.
What's the longest you two ever did it?
- Fourteen hours.
- Holy shit!
How many times you shoot?
Not once, man.
You didn't go once?
Not even at the end?
You redirect the orgasm inside.
How long do your orgasms last?
Two, three seconds?
I've had orgasms that have lasted
up to an hour and a half.
That's bullshit!
Honest to God and I mean Allah.
Word.
- Word.
- Wait.
- No love.
- When'd you last get off?
I haven't ejaculated in six months.
Anyone can do it.
It just takes discipline.
Bullshit. You're some
Obi-Wan Kenobi motherfucker.
You call me old school.
I'm for coming and going.
Hour and a half.
What the hell you doing with a gold...
Todd Gaines?
The drug dealer.
He gets a discount here.
He let me borrow it. He's a good guy.
He's the good drug dealer. Right.
Sometimes I get confused.
Relax, we're gonna pay cash.
That's just to get the room.
Come on, Singh.
I told you not to eat
those shrimp, didn't I?
Todd, it's Simon.
What's up?
I'm in Vegas. We just got here.
What was the name of
that place you said we...
Crazy Horse.
Right. So what you up to tonight?
Singh, come on now!
Hold on, man.
Damn, Singh!
See, I told you not to eat
those shrimp, didn't I?
You're going to a wedding?
So what is it, like a rave?
How's your stomach feel, Singh?
No gambling for you.
I know Claire.
So you gonna fuck her?
All I know is I plan
to get thoroughly laid.
Who are you?
This is our room.
What are you doing?
Raping small children.
Did I mention how much
I like your jacket?
Bitch, look at your shirt.
This ain't Hawaii.
Lend me some money.
- Man, where's your money?
- I lost it.
We've been here five minutes.
I played this game at a $100 table
and didn't understand it.
Now I do.
I figured out how to beat it.
Cool. Give me your wallet.
Here you go.
- What're you doing?
- Come back in an hour for it.
In an hour, I'll give you your money.
Now get out. You're bad luck.
Scram. Damn it!
Darling?
Hello.
Cheers!
Oh, my God!
So if you're from over there...
...then where did you meet
these friends of yours...
...who I don't see?
The others already knew each other.
I met Marcus in traffic school.
In traffic school?
Listen, I'm a good driver, I am.
I learned everything
from American television.
Great.
Hunter, Magnum P. I...
Knight Rider is an excellent program.
Are you having a go at me here?
Our stop.
So do you want to be
getting high with us?
Otherwise, I can't hold it in.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- You're fine.
- I'm so bad!
- I don't know what I'm doing!
- Tell her she's fine!
You're beautiful.
Did you go?
Why not?
Tantra, baby.
Sorry.
Could you hand me a towel?
Baby, what's up?
I'm not a bathroom attendant!
Redneck motherf...!
Man, we're leaving.
- Hell, yeah.
- Let's go.
Keep it close and there's
an extra $10 for you.
Get in the car. Get in.
Shit! Look at this.
Oh, my Lord!
Don't point it at me.
- How do I know if it's loaded?
- First, stop pointing it!
You know, I've never held
a real gun before.
It's heavier than I thought.
Could you put it down, please?
I wonder if it's loaded.
How do you get this...
I can't do it. It's stuck.
Give me that gun! Take the wheel.
Goddamn you!
Take this.
I hold 10 men's lives in my hand.
It's a nine-millimetre.
You don't have the stopping power.
Right.
For that, you'd need magnum force.
- Easy, easy.
They'll ask you if you want
to buy a bottle of champagne.
- Don't.
- Explain.
"Champagne" means a private dance.
We can't afford it.
- "Champagne" is a code, right?
- Exactly.
- What does "vodka" mean?
- Nothing.
You can order anything you want
so long as it's not what?
Champagne.
What'll it be?
Let me get a vodka tonic
and a beer, please.
I'd like to buy your most expensive
bottle of champagne.
Dumb ass!
I need a major credit card.
This is a gentlemen's club.
You are expected
to behave as gentlemen.
I'll be giving you one rule.
If you break this rule,
I will break your arm.
Are we clear?
The ladies can touch you.
You cannot touch the ladies
at any point, under any circumstance.
- Is that clear?
- Crystal.
Enjoy your evening.
Have a seat right here, sexy.
Just relax.
Give it to me.
God!
Hands! Hands!
Asshole!
Told you, don't touch us!
- Jerk! Can't listen to shit!
- What did I tell you?
What did I fucking tell you?!
The other one!
Take it easy, man!
Am I talking to you?
I'm talking to your
faggot friend here!
- Stop fucking kicking him!
- Think you can beat my ass?
Want a piece of this?
Think you can beat my ass?
Everybody back the fuck away!
Is there another way out?
Behind you. The door.
What are you doing?
Getting rid of the weapon.
It has your fingerprints on it.
Do we answer?
It's probably Orange County,
wondering where his car is.
They can trace us
even if we don't answer.
Go find the gun.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Just because some rapper's
got a white buddy...
...doesn't mean that
he's Sidney fucking Poitier.
You pat him down.
You check him out.
I know.
You know what wakes me up at night,
covered in a cold sweat?
Knowing you're no worse than anyone
else in your screwed-up generation.
Give me a towel.
In the old days...
...you know how you got to the top?
By being better than
the guy ahead of you.
And how do you people get to the top?
By being so fucking incompetent,
the guy ahead of you can't do his job.
So he falls on his ass, and,
congratulations, you are now on top.
And now the top is down here,
when it used to be up here...
...and you don't even know
the difference.
They said that
they're from Los Angeles.
Then they must be staying somewhere.
And I won't just teach you
how to play...
...I'll show you how not to be
overwhelmed by the casino.
The noise, the dealer
and other players.
I'm gonna show you what to do,
how to do it and when to do it.
What?
Room 660.
Who was that?
Some shit.
I don't know.
They're at the Riviera, room 660.
Keep the change.
Here we go.
We got 30 seconds to get out!
- Get up!
- Grab what you can!
What the fuck?
Get up, man!
- Just do it now!
- What the fuck?
What'd you guys do, man?
Room service.
It's them.
Who's "them"?
Kid! Kid, open the door.
I'm really sorry about before...
...but it'd be swell if you could
open the door right now!
Fuck you!
Bitch!
Look, I'm really sorry, but it'd be
swell if you'd open the door.
It's an emergency.
Open up the door, boy.
Hundred bucks.
Fuck!
We gotta give him the money.
- Tiny!
- Here's 10.
Now, kid, open up the door.
Open now. Open now!
Come on, man.
Come on, buddy.
Okay, you got the money.
Open the door.
I don't feel well!
What's going on?
Someone tell me what's going on.
What the fuck are we running from?
- Get in.
- You get in!
- Get in!
- I'm not getting in the back!
Hey, come on!
Get the car!
Do you even know
how to drive this car?
Of course I do. Don't be stupid.
Damn! Watch what you're doing.
Oh, my God!
Hold up!
Yo, Simon, slow down!
Come on. Look at this.
Come on!
They're right behind us.
Who?
Shit!
You're making me sick again, man.
Let me out!
Cop, cop, cop!
It's them.
How did they find us?
It's their town.
They have people.
Get off this street.
- Hold on!
- Wait!
Not here! Wait!
What the fuck?
I don't see them.
Wait! They're coming in!
All right, we can do this!
We can do it!
Let's gut this motherfucker!
Are you happy now?
Shut up, man!
Is your British ass happy now?
Come on, man!
- They're gonna kill us!
- Shit!
You son of a bitch!
Man!
Will you get out of there?
- Just so we're clear.
You stole a car...
...shot a bouncer...
...and had sex with two women?
You had sex with two women?
Here's the plan.
We can be in Mexico by noon.
We'll split up. I'll take Baja.
Fuck the plan. Fuck Mexico!
We're going back home to L.A.
Simon, think about it.
If they wanted the cops,
they would've called in Vegas.
They wanted us gone
and we're gone.
It's over.
You had sex with two women?
Yeah, Tommy, it's Vic.
I need you to run a credit card.
You ready?
First name, Todd.
Last name, Gaines. G-A-l-N-E-S.
- Which brings you all your holiday
favourites in one wonderful collection.
Don't.
Why not?
Because she's been on for 14 hours.
- Ronna.
- No.
- I haven't asked yet.
- The answer's no.
Maybe you forget, detective.
I was cleared of all charges.
I don't care how many lawyers
you bring in.
Eden Valley will never stand
for your kind of scum.
You work out, don't you?
We have to. It's in the contract.
No, no, you got a great body.
Hey, people in here!
Look, Burke, just so we're
clear on this...
...even if you don't get this guy today,
charges are dropped, right?
If a guy's concerned about
the legal process...
...how come he gets busted
for possession?
Relax. I'll sign the form,
and the whole thing goes away.
Is it safe to have a radio
against my balls?
It's safe enough.
Starlight, star bright...
...first star that I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish l...
That's good. I'm getting him.
What does your girlfriend look like?
Five foot eight, brown hair, blue eyes.
Hot?
Hot? Yeah.
Is she faithful?
No. I don't think so.
You faithful?
Not anymore, no.
Zack's girlfriend
is fucking around on him.
Man, that sucks.
How'd you find out?
No big deal.
I don't wanna get into it.
Come on. Spill it.
Absolutely. Tell us.
Okay. I found socks.
You know the socks
with elastic around the ankle...
...to keep it from stretching out?
All my socks have that.
One day, I went into the drawer
and there was a pair that didn't.
- So...
- You hear that?
We got John Sherlock Holmes in here.
You've been fucking around too.
Only after I found out.
So, Zack, do you know
who your girlfriend's fucking?
No, Adam, I do not.
Although I have suspicions,
mostly ex-boyfriends who keep calling.
What a coincidence.
I have the exact same problem
with my girlfriend.
Isn't it ironic?
Don't you think?
Maybe I should start
checking for socks too.
Gay men are so hot.
It's tragic.
He's not here.
What should we do? He's not here.
We're gonna ask.
You're gonna ask. Come on.
Why me?
You're more wholesome.
Just get up there and improv.
There's an opera about him.
X erxes.
I took Music Appreciation.
Twice.
He wasn't there.
- We heard. You guys were great.
- You did great.
Now this chick, Ronna,
you think she can score?
- Maybe.
- Yeah, definitely.
Then that's all we need.
It's all connected. Circle of life.
Now they're both going in.
What's up with that?
If she gets the stuff, what?
You just arrest her?
No, we try to bring her over.
You see, we arrest her
and then what?
One crack whore off the street.
We cut her a deal
if she helps us get this guy.
We cut him a deal to get the guy
above him. Like with you.
Sooner or later,
everybody's working for The Man.
You got that right.
She's coming up.
What if she's not a dealer?
What if it's just one thing you pulled
her into? Isn't that entrapment?
If she's dealing, she's a dealer.
Who cares if it's her first or last?
Ronna, hon, we are fresh out of OJ.
Cerveza?
We bought a bunch of orange juice.
We just left it out in the car.
But I can run and get it.
Zack tells me that you got 20 at $20.
Is that right?
You got a bathroom?
Yeah. Down the hall, on the right.
Here, let me show you.
Go!
It's all yours.
I shouldn't be
drinking beer, should I?
I mean, being so...
...you know, underage and all.
That means move away from the door.
Okay. Thank you.
Watch how I twist his wrist away
while I put on the second cuff...
...so he can't go after me.
Right down like that. Boom!
Snap it on.
I watch all these cop shows...
...and they never do it right. Ever.
Pisses me off.
Spread them!
Hey, feel the abs on this one.
You could scrub laundry on these.
What?
Nothing.
I'm just out of it.
Have a merry Christmas.
It was good to meet you.
All right. Noel.
Whether you get something
on that guy or not...
...we're done, right? We did our part.
You did your part.
Great!
Could you take off my handcuffs?
There's something I wanted to
ask you guys. Sort of a...
I don't know.
Sort of a proposition.
You see, my wife and l...
Irene, she's my wife.
We both work on Christmas, so we're
having Christmas dinner tonight.
And I was thinking...
...maybe you guys
want to eat dinner with us.
My wife is great. You'll love her.
Then I'll sign the paper.
How's that sound?
Well...
Hi. Sorry.
Phone?
Check my messages?
Here.
Sorry.
No. Stay for a sec.
Here, smell this.
What does that smell like?
CK One, right?
Right? But it's not.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I get this stuff
for half what that stuff costs.
It's nice.
It's very nice. Here, try.
It's down.
So is the liner.
It's really soft.
Get on.
Oh, no, no.
I gotta go help with dinner...
- Hear that?
- Hear what?
Exactly. Individually wrapped springs.
Top quality.
I could do aerobics
and you wouldn't feel it.
I bet I wouldn't.
So, Zack, would you say
you're open to new things?
Tell me something.
When you kiss those girls, you're not
really kissing them, are you?
Well, it's a stage kiss.
Your lips touch,
but there's no tongue.
So there's no feeling?
Nobody gets jealous?
It's not real. It's only acting.
See, now that...
There was a tongue there.
Honey?
Red or white?
Which goes with ham?
White.
Fabulous.
More wine?
He doesn't want any more.
Unless he does. Do you?
No, thank you. No, thank you.
Sure.
Look...
...Burke, this is...
This is really great.
This is wonderful. Thank you.
You're welcome.
I don't even know how to say this.
I'm sorry, but I think
we have to leave soon...
...because Adam's not feeling well.
I don't.
It's true.
Well, if you gotta go...
...then I understand.
But...
...well, Irene and I sort of...
...had an ulterior motive
for inviting you here.
He makes it sound sinister.
It's not.
No, I don't...
She's right. Okay.
You've looked around our place.
Where do you think we got
most of this stuff?
Just guess.
Come on.
Sears?
J.C. Penney?
It's actually from
Confederated Products.
Almost everything here
is from Confederated Products...
...from the toilet paper
to the candles to the ham.
- The wine.
- The wine, the wine.
Even that cologne you liked.
Confederated Products is a multilevel,
direct wholesaling company.
Which means we don't
just sell the products.
No sir-you-ree Bob!
We recruit and manage teams
that work under us.
Irene and I started eight months ago...
...and already, we're pulling in
$50,000 a year.
We're the number four distributor
in southern California.
You got that one, babe.
And by March,
we might be number three.
As law enforcement officers, we can't
recruit distributors from the force.
It's against the rules.
So what we do is...
...we look for people
in other industries...
Like the entertainment industry.
Wait. Wait.
You want us to sell Amway?
It's Confederated Products.
It's a...
It's a different company.
It's a different quality of product.
I have to do something terrifically
unwholesome after that.
I need to bathe in sin.
With me, or one
of your other boyfriends?
Okay, I have cheated on you
with exactly one guy.
Ditto.
Who?
No, I won't tell you because
you'll freak out and it'll be drama.
Bad, not funny, Roseanne kind of
drama. And I'm just not up for it.
- I'll tell you mine.
- No.
Why not?
You can't wait to tell me, can you?
You're gloating.
You think yours is better than mine.
No, I don't.
- It's Sean Connery, isn't it?
- Count of three.
- Fine.
- One...
- Wait, wait.
...two...
Okay, fine.
Count of three.
One, two, three.
- Jimmy...
- Jimmy in makeup.
Is Jimmy here?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'll call you back.
Jimmy's not here right now.
He went to this thing.
I'll go get it.
You two do know, don't you?
We know.
I take no responsibility.
I was only an innocent bystander.
But there was this one time,
you guys...
...you missed each other by,
like, three minutes.
It was so exciting!
It's some sort of rave thing.
The thing about Jimmy,
the sex wasn't even that good.
And that ear thing?
I have Q-tips.
That's not necessary, thank you.
The one thing I will give him
credit for is the oral.
- The oral was good.
- What do you mean? He was terrible.
At one point, I had to stop him
and correct his bad technique.
I actually grabbed him by his ears
and retrained him from the throat up.
When was that?
I don't know. October, maybe?
Early October,
he suddenly got so much better.
Hi, cowboy.
Hi, asshole.
Stop!
I think you wanna follow that guy out.
What?
Where'd you learn to drive?
Circleville?
I didn't pack a bag.
What the...?
Stop!
Go. Go.
What if she's...?
Go!
Let's think about this logically.
She's either alive or she's dead.
All right, if she's dead...
...there's nothing we can do.
And if she's alive,
that guy who had that gun...
...who looked like
he wanted to shoot her...
...he probably did shoot her.
So...
...even if she's alive, she's dead.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
The only witnesses
are you, me and him.
I don't think any of us will talk
about this anytime soon, so...
I really...
It really didn't go
as bad as it could've.
A girl is dead.
I didn't say it went perfectly.
What's up?
Holy shit!
They couldn't have been listening.
Hello?
They could've been recording it.
Everything we've said
would be on tape...
...and they'd know we did it.
What if we were, like,
running lines or something?
We could've been rehearsing.
They know we're actors.
Okay, there's a good chance
no one's found the girl yet.
They will.
If there's no body, there's no crime.
- Stop! Stop it!
- What?
- What?
- It's a Miata.
We'll put her in the passenger seat.
Where will I...?
You'll be in the passenger seat
holding her up.
All right.
Little help?
I can't.
What do you mean?
I can't do this. I can't do this.
- Listen.
- She's dead.
- Listen.
- She's dead.
- She's not dead!
- She's dead.
I hit her and killed her.
She's dead.
She's not dead. She's acting dead.
Listen, this is just a scene.
You're just acting scared.
I'm acting like I'm helping her.
It's a scene. Look at the lights.
We're acting. Look at the camera.
Watch it.
Watch your blocking.
Say hi to Molly in wardrobe.
- Hi, Molly.
- Say it. "Hi, Molly."
Hi, Molly.
Craft services are here, and they're
making those veggie burgers you love.
You can have as many as you want.
Just help me get through this scene.
Just help me get through this scene.
That's it.
Smell them. Smell them.
Smell the veggie burgers.
Can you smell them?
I'm not delusional!
Then grab her fucking arms!
- She's not dead.
- No shit!
If she isn't dead,
then we didn't kill her.
- We can leave her.
- She's almost dead.
If we leave her and she dies,
why'd we come back?
You still killed her.
I killed her?
Come on, I didn't mean it like that.
It's not like I'd ever
testify against you.
Let's stick to plan A.
What? In plan A, she was dead.
Wait. What...?
Okay, new plan.
Man, that's Kelly.
Somebody beat the crap out of her.
Can somebody call an ambulance?
Look.
They're getting her an ambulance.
She'll be fine.
It's good. Good.
She's gonna be fine.
What about that guy?
With the gun.
He could still go after her.
Hello? Look, girl in ditch:
Our problem.
Girl out of ditch:
Her problem.
Sorry. Look, we did the right thing.
What? Okay, approximately.
In a half-assed, thrown-together,
bouillabaisse-y kind of way...
...we did the right thing.
Right?
She's fine.
Right.
- Just sit anywhere you want.
- Actually, I'm...
...meeting people.
Have you seen Ronna or Mannie?
We're twins.
Coffee. Here you go.
We meet here after we go out,
in case we get separated.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for buying me breakfast.
Unless you wanna sit alone,
I can...
No.
Fine.
See, I knew you weren't all evil.
What do you have against
The Family Circus?
You read your paper...
...and you're enjoying
your two-page comic spread.
And there's The Family
fucking Circus...
...bottom right corner,
just waiting to suck.
And that's the last thing
you read, so...
...it spoils everything
you read before it.
You could just not read it.
I hate it, yet I'm
uncontrollably drawn to it.
Are you gonna...?
You know what I like about you?
And it's not your face.
You're only medium-cute.
But I think it's...
...you're the first non-fake
person I've met here.
It's kind of nice.
Professional curiosity:
What are you on?
- I'm serious.
- So am I. What are you on?
Ginseng and Dexatrim.
You know what I like best
about Christmas?
The surprises.
You get this box and you're sure
you know what's inside.
You shake it, weigh it,
convinced you have it pegged.
No doubt in your mind.
But then you open it up,
and it's different.
You know. Wow! Bang! Surprise!
It's kind of like
you and me here, you know?
I'm not saying it's anything it's not.
Come on, this time yesterday,
who would've thunk it?
How'd you get out?
Well, isn't this romantic?
Simon's apartment is here.
On Orlando, just off of Third.
There's construction on La Cienega,
so you might wanna take Fairfax.
Well, thanks.
Why don't you drive them yourself?
You could help them pull the trigger.
Listen, I'm gonna need
to hide out here for a while...
Guys, guys.
Come on!
Don't let him kill me!
Do it!
Stop it!
Shut up!
Hello? Witness?
- You'll shoot us both?
- Shut up.
This little fuck shot my son.
In the arm.
So you'll shoot all of us?
What do you actually want?
Justice.
That should be the fleshiest bit,
right there.
So it should be okay if you hit that.
Right. Cheers.
I can't.
What do you mean, you can't?
You just pull the fucking trigger.
Pull the fucking trigger!
If he knows he'll be shot,
it's not the same thing.
Just point!
Shoot him!
I don't mind.
See? He don't mind.
If your mother could see you now.
You're disgusting!
Pull the trigger.
It's different.
No shit!
He shot you!
- Where you going?
- To work.
See? The girl's leaving.
See you later!
It's all right! I'm okay!
Things didn't go exactly as planned,
you know?
And where's Mannie?
Fuck me!
You look like shit.
Found them.
Let's go.
Here, I'll drive.
Do you have enough money
for your rent?
And 20 left over.
Maybe I'll open a savings account.
So...
...what are we doing
for New Year's?
A PaRaNoIdAnDrOiD Rip...