Oh!
Uhh!
Whoa! Ugh!
Ooh!
Stop!
Don't eat that!
It's cow poo! Yuck!
Put this down!
What were you doing?
You were eating cow poo!
Come on. Let's get you home.
Got to get you clean.
Come on.
Let's get you in the bath.
Get you all clean.
Sorry, Steve,
I'll milk you later.
Hi, Steve!
Come on.
You're so handsome.
You're so handsome!
Hey. It's me.
I can't wait to see you
and the boys.
I can't believe it's been
six weeks. Love you. 'Bye.
Jimmy. I can't believe
I missed your call.
It must have been while I was
wiping cow poo off our sons.
What time is the boat due in?
I'm dying to see you.
Hello! You're still not there.
You haven't moved back
to London on me, have you?
Potty now!
Now? Alright.
Wow, really? Oh! Hang on.
Where'd you get
Mummy's earplugs?
Eeeee...
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
- Eeeee...
- Mummy! Mummy!
Yay, me, me!
Sorry, Zack,
just let Fred finish.
# 'Cause if
he doesn't drop his load
# Fred is going to explode! #
- Eeee...
- Finished!
All done? Come on, then.
Whee! Oh.
- No poo.
- All gone.
Zack, no!
Oh! Zack.
I need those.
- 'Cause who's coming home today?
- Daddy!
# Daddy boat,
Daddy boat, Daddy boat
# Daddy boat, Daddy boat,
Daddy boat... I
Hey. It's me.
There's a north wind trying to
blow us back to the Antarctic,
but I promise I'll be home
for dinner - can't wait.
- Boat!
- That's like Daddy's boat.
- Boat!
- We don't need this boat.
Because Daddy's coming home
on his great big boat.
We hope.
- Boat!
- I said no.
Come on! Come on!
- Boat! Boat!
- Boat!
Boat!
Boat! Boat!
Boat! Boat! Boat!
# When moon shines
# Its light on the sea
# Its golden path glistens
# The waves call and listen
# To children who sleep finally
# The night birds before us
# Sing softly in chorus
# And I clearly see... #
# I need a tantrum of my own
# Don't wanna raise
these kids alone
# I'm sick of being tough
# I feel I've had enough
# I need a tantrum of my own
# Waaaahhh!
# Waaaahhh
# Aaahh
# Aaahhhhh
A' Ah ha. A'
Ah. Uh...
Hey, crazy girl.
- Sorry I'm so late.
- Oh!
BOTH swam
- Been a big day, has it?
- Oh, baby.
You don't know
the half of it.
I love your smell.
- You have the best smell.
- Thanks.
- Wanna go to bed?
- Yeah.
Jimmy.
El...
Doesn't matter.
And now, Elspeth Dickens,
mother of twins...
...executes a triple half pike
with a twist of lemon.
Baby?
Baby?
- Mama! Mama!
- Oh! Hold that thought.
OK. You sit there,
you sit there. Alright. OK.
- Come on, Dad!
- Give it a kick!
# Doo-doo... #
- Yeah!
- Yes!
# Let's all do
the shimmie shake
# Shake it on way down low
# Shake it on high... #
We got about three minutes
till they're back in here.
Ah! That's stacks of time!
Peekaboo!
- Lads.
- Hi.
Hi.
Who wants to make
breakfast in bed for Mama?
- Me!
- Hey! Come on.
Huh?
- I'm on it, I'm on it.
- The stove.
- What? What?
- It's on.
- Careful, you'll step on the...
- Get them off the counter.
You put them next to
a burning stove!
What did you want me to do?
Put them on the floor
with the broken glass?
- Can you pass me a paper towel?
- Where are they?
In the drawer,
where they always are.
Mama's foot.
Yes, bubba,
Mama got some glass in it.
- Can I help?
- No.
- You've done enough.
- El, don't do this.
Maybe Dad'll take Fred and Zack
to feed the chooks
while Mama cleans up in here.
- I can clean.
- No, Mama will do it.
- What are we doing?
- It's OK.
We'll go feed the chooks.
Daddy will be there in a second.
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
You go away, you come back.
You vanish into the Antarctic
for weeks at a time
and I can't contact you.
That's the job.
Why don't I go record
the sounds of the whales?
You stay here and do my job.
Do you ever think about
what it's like
for me to be stuck here?
- No friends, no family.
- I know.
I know it wasn't much of a career,
but I miss doing my gigs.
- I know.
- Singing my little songs.
- I know!
- You don't!
Don't say you know
when you don't know.
You have your whales
and your work.
I've got one little boy
who won't take his wings off
and another
who refuses to defecate.
It's not forever.
- Remember the deal?
- Yeah, I remember.
Your deal.
The deal you proposed to me.
You look after the kids
till they start school,
then it's my turn.
They won't go to school
for another 8 billion years.
You said you wanted to support me
doing something important.
And I do.
You said you were sick of
singing to drunks in London pubs.
You wanted this. You loved
the idea of coming here.
Look around you.
It's beautiful.
Can you go check on the kids?
El, the whales are here,
and unless they start
swimming up the Thames...
You can't leave 'em alone in
the chicken coop. It'll be chaos.
Steven. Please don't eat
my succulents.
I'm gonna take the boys
into town.
Give you a break
for the day.
Thanks.
James?
Sorry.
Come on, lads!
In its hunt for
the dwindling whale population,
the commercial whaling fleet
is heading
to the Australian Antarctic
territory...
- They're out.
- Thanks.
Really, thank you.
These ships have entered
the sanctuary...
You know about this?
However, there is
no practical mechanism
for the government
to enforce that law,
leaving the whales
vulnerable to slaughter.
The Minister for the Environment
regrets the situation, but...
They called earlier.
Are there protest boats?
You're going with them,
aren't you?
Oh. I almost forgot.
So we can see each other
while I'm away. It's a webcam.
Better hurry up.
The ship's about to leave.
Jimmy, don't be too brave, OK?
James?
Jimmy?
Jimmy?
I'm here.
Hi. Yes.
I'm just trying to work out
whether I'm doing something wrong
or the ship is actually
out of contact.
Oh, I see.
Well...
I'll keep trying anyway.
Jimmy.
Jimmy?
I'm here!
I am here.
Zack! Fred! Nap time!
Right.
Set up streaming
in a few minutes.
Start building your audience.
Bollocks.
Oh, my God! I'm on!
I'm on!
# Welcome to my kitchen sink
# This is where
I stop and think
# Where I'm sometimes
on the brink
# Of madness
# Welcome to my washing-up
# My 40,000th coffee cup
# A place that knows
my every sulk
# And sadness
# Here I'm stuck
night after night
# Here I plot
revenge and flight
# Here's the scene
of wifely compromise
# Pine O Cleen and Lemon Gleam
# The kitchen sink
is where I dream
# And where I fantasise. #
Hello.
My husband gave me this webcam
so that I could
communicate with him,
but he's not there.
So I've decided
to talk to you instead.
Well, sing, actually.
Hang on.
I'll go see if you're there.
You're not there.
I'm talking to myself again.
He was standing
in front of me
with this deadly serious face
and he absolutely looked like
his father.
So I said to him
in my best serious mother voice,
"Well, darling, that's because
Sophie doesn't have testicles!"
Sorry! My ball.
- So, what did he say?
- I dropped my ball.
Sorry, finish your story.
Um, and he said,
"But why doesn't Sophie
have testicles, Mummy?
"Did they fall off?"
Did you need something?
Um...
Mind if I join you?
Uh...
- Um, yeah, sure.
- Sit down.
Look, I'm new here,
and to be perfectly honest,
I'm going a bit loopy.
It's not as wonderful
as everyone makes out, is it?
Being a mother.
Sometimes you just
want to slap 'em
into the middle of next week,
don't you?
You have something on your top.
I think it's banana.
- I would never hit my children.
- No, no...
No, you idiot.
She didn't mean literally.
You know, I bought bananas
at the organic market.
They're not cheap.
But they're good for the planet
and they're not gonna
give you cancer.
Have you heard about putting
plastic bottles in your freezer?
Apparently,
you get instant cancer.
- Are these antibacterial?
- Yeah, of course.
Otherwise, you're just
transferring the germs.
Um, was that you the other day
at the supermarket?
- With the twins.
- No. I don't think so.
Oh! Oh, those kids
were out of control!
- Out of control.
- Out of control. -Out of control.
# Do you let them watch TV
# And feed them
chips and cake for tea?
# Or do you give them salad
for supper?
# Once a week,
I serve 'em pizza
# From the freezer
frozen treats
# I'm a bad, bad mother
# Mama walks the shores
of Devon
# My shoe size is five
# And she wears seven
# I'm just a lonely cowgirl
with the blues
# With an aching need
to fill my mama's shoes
# Do they play
the violin yet?
# Do they run
the minute mile yet?
# Are they much more gifted
than the others?
# Whoo!
# They just like
to play the fool
# And run around in a circle
# I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad,
bad mother
# Do your babies
read and write?
# Do they sleep sound at night?
# Do they play
in the fresh air?
# And if they don't,
do you really care? #
- # Whoo!
- # Aaaah!
# Whoo-hod.!
- # Whoo-hoo!
- # Whoo!
# Whoo-hod.!
# My mama walks
the hills of heaven
# My shoe size is five
# And she wore seven
# I'm just a lonely cowgirl
- # With the blues
- # Mama's shoes
# With an aching need
# To fill my mama's
# Shoes
# Oh, mama's shoes
# Whoo!
- # Hey-hey, hey-hey
- # Hills of heaven
- # Hoo-hoo-hoo
- # Hills of heaven... #
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, I feel much better now
that I've shared that with you.
I'd feel even better
if I knew you were watching.
So please log on.
Let me know what you think.
Oh! Hang on!
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Neil.
I'm Neil from CCI.
Computer Care International.
Oh, I thought you worked
at the supermarket.
I do.
Right. Well, come on in.
Uh, you need some keywords
for the search engines
so people can find you.
Like 'singer'
or, you know, 'singing songs'.
- Ooh! 'Sink songs'.
- 'Sing songs'?
No, 'sink songs'.
Oh, I get it. 'Sink songs'.
- Mmm.
- Oh, OK. Yeah.
Anything else?
Um, other keywords.
'Desperate housewife'.
'Songs from kitchen'.
'Domestic prisoner's
musical breakout'.
I don't know, Neil.
Any suggestions?
No, no, no, no,
th-that's great, yeah.
Uh, um... You can have,
like, a ringtone thing too.
For what?
To let you know
when people are logging on.
So each time someone logs on,
you hear...
Quack-quack.
Neigh!
But there's a lot
to choose from.
Or you could make your own.
Oh, I think animal sounds
are brilliant.
I've got your camstream
now linked up with YouTube
and Facebook and MySpace.
That's great. That's wonderful.
- How much do I owe you?
- No, no. Nothing. It's...
It's free for you.
Uh, I mean,
there's a special on.
- F-first visit is free.
- Oh.
No charge.
What about
Computer Care International?
Won't they be cross?
Oh, um... They are me.
I am it. I am...
...Computer Care International.
Careful, darling.
Oh, darling. Come here.
Come here.
Shh, shh, shh.
# If you didn't do
what you wanted to
# If you only did
what everybody told you
# Who would you be?
# You will always try
You will always fly
# You will always
look a tiger in the eye
# Take it from me
# I see in your eyes
# There's a movie of dreams
# See there is more to you
# Than it first seems
# See you are brighter
# Than all the moonbeams
# You know
# For you light up the darkness
You glow
# Don't give up
Don't give in
# Don't let go. #
# Welcome to my kitchen sink
# This is where
I stop and think
# Where I'm sometimes
on the brink
# Of madness... #
- What is that?
- A mate sent me the link.
It's supposed to be some girl
down in Tasmania.
On a platter!
- Here it comes.
- Cross as a frog in a sock.
If we don't find a goddess
by Friday,
they're going
to pull the account.
And if they pull the account,
we'll be letting people go.
Thanks for waiting.
I was just putting my boys down.
You know, staying at home
with the kids can be great.
Really special.
Not that I'd ever take
any of it back.
But do you ever wonder
what other lives
you might have lived?
Do you ever suddenly have
the urge to be someone else?
Do you ever think...
# I have an itch
# To be a corporate bitch
# In a suit with stockings
and high, high heels
# On my long, long legs
# You know I'd hire
# Then again, I'd also fire
# Anyone who underperforms
# Or was plainly the dregs
# I'd jog into work at six
# 'Cause that's how
I'd get my kicks
# Macchiato in my suite
'Cause I take my coffee neat
# The only boys I would employ
would be hunky, hot and toy
# So that I can just harass
their tight little arses
# I wanna be a mover, a shaker
# A fashionista ballbreaker
# I wanna be a CEO queen
# I wanna rock
the private investment scene
# So that their deal
# Would need
my corporate bitch seal
# I have an itch
to be a rich kitsch bitch
# Manicure and massage
la plage
# Followed by
a painless Brazilian... #
It's that girl from the park!
# Andy Warhol on my wall
tells me I could have it all
# I would like to bankrupt you
and still have a kid or two
# I'd take a week from work
so that I could carry them
# And if they didn't arrive
on time
# It's a caesarean
# I wanna be a mover, a shaker
# A fashionista ballbreaker
# I wanna be a CEO queen
# I wanna rock the scene
# The paparazzi
will take pictures
# Of my dynasty of bitches
# I have an itch
# To be ruthless in my pitch
# To be a system-bucking
eyebrow-plucking
# Tantrum-chucking
corporate bitch! #
Cassandra?
Sure.
No problem.
'Bye.
BOTH'. Yaw.!
It's a computer, a laptop,
pitched specifically
at the female market,
and I need someone
who embodies today's woman -
mother, lover, artist,
corporate bitch.
We want to see
all these facets.
And I have flown all the way
down from Sydney today
because I think
you'd be perfect.
We want to use all your songs,
the whole webcam thing.
Naughty!
Zack!
No!
Yeah!
Um... Was it
a very expensive phone?
Oh...!
He's out of contact.
I don't know when he'll be
in contact, so I had to say no.
I think he'd want you
to take this opportunity, Elspeth.
If we were part... partners,
I know I would.
I think you should call
that lady back and say yes.
Oh, Neil, that's so sweet.
But even practically speaking,
what do I do with the kids, eh?
What do I do with you two
for three days?
Well, I trained
as a paediatric nurse,
but quite frankly, I just think
the most important thing
is that I click
with the littlies.
- Click!
- Click!
In breaking news,
heartless career woman
abandons helpless twins
in pursuit of fame and fortune.
Nakedly ambitious singer
realises error of ways
as plane plummets into Pacific.
Environmentally friendly husband
marries marine mammal
and selfish, selfish woman
gets what she deserves.
Coffee?
- Uh-uh-uh.
- Mm-hm! Hmm.
- Ahhhh!
- Ohhh!
You clear off! The police
are on their way! Clear off!
My... my husband's inside,
and... and he's got a gun!
Who the hell are you?
Where's Elspeth?
Welcome to
Hotel Sydney, ma'am.
Thank you.
Whoop... Whoops.
Watch where
you're going, lady!
Hang on a second.
Round again. Hello!
- Elspeth! Ah, g'day.
- Oh!
- Um, I'm Ralph.
- Hi. I'm Elspeth.
Hi.
- These are for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I'll get... Ah!
You get... You...
Ah! Yeah.
I'm gonna get your bag
and we'll go this way.
And this is your room.
- It's a terrible view, hey?
- Whoa!
And this is to keep you famous.
You can broadcast
whenever you like.
# I have an itch... #
Hey, whoa! What are you doing?
You're not putting me on.
I'm just checking my webcam
back home.
I've hidden it in a pot plant.
You've hidden it?
Yeah - I've turned it
into a nanny cam
to keep an eye on things.
Elspeth Dickens, 007.
Ooh! That's a big noise.
There's my boys.
This should help with the pain,
Mr Dickens.
Oh, thanks.
I'm so terribly sorry.
That's alright, Mary.
I'm sorry about the swearing.
Oh, I should have realised
who you were,
but Mrs Dickens said
you were out of contact...
No, no. It's fine.
Would you like me to take them
out for a bit of a walk
so you can have a rest?
Thanks, but...
Would you like
something to eat?
Mary, what I'd really like
is to spend some time
with the kids on my own.
Here.
# Oh, mama-mama-mama
mama-mama-mama-maria
# Oh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-Ii-aa
# Gimme a hotel
Gimme a motel
# Gimme a vacancy
# Gimme the space now,
out of my face now
# Do not disturb me
# I'm ripping off my collar
I'm gonna howl and holler
# I'm gonna have a pillow fight
# I'm gonna dance
the whole damn night
- # I love a private party
- # Yeah, yeah, yeah
- # Nobody's invited
- # No, no, no
# 'Cause that's what I decided
# And what the lady wants,
the lady's gonna get, yeah
# I've got the time to make me
# So even I would take me
# I think I'm gonna kiss me
# I'll leave
and then I'll miss me
# I'm using all the shampoo
# Because you told me not to
# I might do things
I've never done
# I'm gonna take the towels
and run, hey
# I love a private party
# Nobody's invited
# 'Cause that's what I decided
# And what the lady wants,
the lady's gonna get, yeah
# I'm gonna
raid the bar fridge
# I'm gonna hog the bed now
# I'm gonna play my music
# I'm gonna play it loud now
# Mama-mama-mama-
mama-mama-mama-maria
# Oh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ia
# And I love a private party
# Nobody's invited
# I'm turning down the lighting
- # It could get quite exciting
- # Lady, get what you want
# I'm turning out
the lights now. #
Gerald would have a fit
if I carried on like that.
Gerald would have a fit
if you farted without permission.
Well, at least she's trying
to do something with her life.
At least she's trying.
Oh, for heaven's sake,
will someone get this woman to bed?
Helen, can she use
the spare room?
No, no, I'm not tired.
I'm pregnant.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
Sorry.
Hi, Mary. It's Elspeth.
I'm just checking in to see
how you and the boys are doing.
Um, give me a buzz back
when you get this message. Thanks.
Ready?
- Alright.
- Yeah?
Wait!
Enter.
Well! You look
all shiny and new.
Eight hours sleep without a single
toddler finger up your nostril
will do that for you.
Thanks for having me.
I just can't believe it.
It's a dream.
Ralph, fetch the Goddess.
- Tada.
- I love it.
It's beautiful.
Goddess.
For all the women you are.
Is that a line from the ad?
That's THE line.
My line, actually.
And strictly speaking,
it's not an ad, it's a webisode.
A series of webisodes.
So the idea is, right,
to post a whole bunch of clips
of you singing on the Net,
and in each clip,
you'll play
one of these
different characters.
And then you'll use
your Goddess computer
to solve any little problems
that might arise.
Have you had a chance
to read the scripts yet?
- Great.
- Big day tomorrow.
- Are you ready?
- Mm-hm.
- Hello?
- Oh, hi!
Hey.
- So, you got a gig.
- Yeah.
It's a Web thing.
Son of ads but on the Net.
- So you're back.
- Yep. Yep.
I left a million messages
for you,
but you weren't there,
and I thought,
"He wouldn't want me to miss
an opportunity like this."
So I took the plunge.
Have you met Mary?
Isn't she great?
Um...
- Yeah.
- How are the whales?
- How did it go?
- Fine. Good. It went well.
Don't be angry
with me, James.
The opportunity came up
and I took it.
Fine.
Don't say it's fine
when you don't mean it.
- I do mean it.
- No, you don't. You're angry.
I'm not angry. I just wasn't
expecting you to be away.
- Yeah, well, I am.
- Yeah, you are.
When you're away, do I call up
and pick fights with you?
Picking fights?
I'm not the one picking fights!
Why would you accuse me
of picking fights
when I'm
thousands of miles away
already feeling bad
about doing something
that's my
perfect right to do?
BOTH swam
# Welcome
to my kitchen sink
# This is where
I think and think... #
Sorry. Can I just
check the lyrics?
Elspeth, this is your song.
You know the lyrics.
I know, I know.
- Do you want to take a minute?
- No, I'll get it right.
Still rolling.
# Welcome to my kitchen sink
# This is where
I stop and think... #
- Um, did geishas wash up?
- Cut!
89.7% of all domestic cleaning
is performed by women,
regardless
of their profession.
Is that true?
I've absolutely no idea, darling,
but it feels true, doesn't it?
Don't eat the props!
Shit!
Sorry.
Changing lenses. Take five.
I'm sorry. I've gone all fuzzy
round the edges.
I've seen this
a million times.
You're terrified of succeeding
so you sabotage yourself
before you can be disappointed.
Do you really think so?
We're ready.
What I think?
What I think is,
you can do this.
Mm-hm?
Right. Come on, alien girl.
Eh?
- What do you reckon?
- Handsome.
Hey? I look like
a giant squid.
Come on. Just a few more shots
and it's a wrap.
And then it's drinkies
and a fancy-schmancy din-dins.
- Oops! Where are we going?
- Oh, my head.
It's just down here.
They're waiting.
- No, for din-dins.
- Oh, for din-dins?
- I think it's a sushi joint.
- I need the toilet.
Thanks for the gig.
For all this.
I'm having so much fun.
I'm sorry about today.
I'm sorry if...
Oh, sorry, schmorry.
You're doing brilliantly.
And if I may make a prediction,
it's going to make you famous.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
Tell me about you.
Are you married?
Jettisoned the husband, darling.
When you're breaking through
the glass ceiling,
there are bound to be
casualties.
Well, angel, he could barely do
wee-wees standing up by himself.
Honestly, no loss there.
Any kids?
No, no,
never did the kid thing.
Oh, look.
Oh!
Here we have
a tower of lobster tail,
fried quail egg topped with
fresh Sydney rock oyster
and an icing
of crushed beluga caviar
accompanied by sauce Choron.
Thank you.
Ooh! Mmm!
Mmm!
- Elspeth!
- What?
You just murdered an entire
symphony of taste sensations.
Sorry. Just so excited to eat
a meal I haven't cooked myself.
- Here.
- Oh, no, it's yours.
- Honestly, I'm not hungry.
- Oh, OK.
Now, one more time
with feeling.
Savour the sluttish luxuriance
of the oyster.
Let the juices
have their wicked way with you.
Love it like
you're not supposed to.
Aren't we naughty?
It's such a lovely night.
I think I'm going to walk
back to the hotel.
Yes, of course,
but before you go,
I want you to do
something for me.
I want you
to repeat after me,
"I am Elspeth Dickens, goddess!"
No!
Come on. You've got
a big photoshoot tomorrow.
I need you to be
in the right headspace.
Think of it as
a branding exercise.
What brand of woman are you?
I am Elspeth Dickens,
goddess!
Yes, you are.
See you at the studio. 7am sharp.
# Oh, my, here's a beauty
# She's a real cutie
# Think I feel a duty
to put her in my song. #
- What's your name, darling?
- I'm Elspeth Dickens, goddess.
# Elspeth is a goddess
- # And she is very modest... #
- Mm-hm.
# She is much too pretty
to be alone in this big old city
# Oh, Elspeth Dickens,
my heart quickens
# But I ain't easy pickins
'Cause you walk like
# You walk like
You walk like
# 10 chickens. #
- I'm sorry, but it rhymes.
- Rubbish.
# I have to play here
# Don't disappear, dear... #
# She flies like a seagull... #
Still rubbish!
# And people... #
So that's
the Megaptera novaeangliae.
- That's the humpback whale.
- Moo!
- No, that's a cow, OK?
- But this...
Thank you.
That's the noise he makes
as well.
So this...
...is the Globicephala melaena -
that's the pilot whale.
That's the mighty
sperm whale.
'Bye, chaps.
Wish me luck.
Darling, Botticelli's
Venus doesn't have any clothes.
Can't I be the Mona Lisa
instead, then?
No, precious. You're a goddess.
That's the whole point.
I'm not a goddess.
I'm a mother with stretch marks.
We can fix all that.
Trust me. You'll look perfect.
But isn't the whole point
that I'm not perfect?
That I'm a normal mother
who still has a life?
Angel, the earth mother is dead.
People want to see mums portrayed
as bold and sexy.
I don't want
to take my clothes off.
I'm a singer,
not a centrefold.
Ralph!
Ah... Elspeth,
I think you look... hot.
But not like a... not a dirty hot.
Like a... a... a classy hot.
And... you know,
and twice as rich.
Your hair's covering
your boo... hip... your bips.
Your... your bits.
Do you think we could use
a model's body
and just
stick her head on it?
You're missing the point!
I don't feel right
about being plastered
over the arse end of a bus
with whoever's body
I happen to be wearing
stark bloody naked!
Hello?
Cassandra?
Cassandra?
Do you want people
to hear your songs?
Yes, of course.
Then you need exposure.
- Yeah, but I didn't think...
- Everything costs.
Everything has a price.
You want some of this,
you give up some of that.
I'm sorry, I just don't think
I should give up...
Oh, come on, Elspeth -
both you and I know
you would do backflips naked across
Sydney Harbour Bridge
to get where
you want to go.
And that's OK.
But be that person.
Don't pretend to be
this dreary little house mouse
clutching onto her modesty.
It's dishonest.
I don't want to be naked.
That's not dishonest.
What is dishonest
is wasting time in here
so you can feel better
about making the compromise
you know you have to make
out there.
What is dishonest is keeping
an entire studio
full of professionals waiting
while you pretend you're not
an extremely ambitious
young woman
who knows exactly
what she must do
to get where
she wants to go.
That is dishonest.
Breathe. Take a deep breath.
Take a break.
Take a moment for yourself.
And then it's back out there
to do the job
you're being paid to do.
OK?
# A foolish
little princess wanted all
# See her pride
See her fall
# Somewhere in the fountain
# A magic fish
swims and sings
# Be careful what you wish... #
# Danger in the air now
What, what, what you want?
# Is this what you really want?
Your fairytale unfolds, wow
# What, what, what you want?
# Is this
what you really want?
# Princes may be
really frogs
# Look out for
three-headed dogs
# Sleeping there in hollow logs
# Be careful what you wish
- # Careful, don't play the fool
- # Ah
# You may be forced to duel
- # Did you set out to rule?
- # Ah
# When you get it
Ah hah hah hah
# Is this what
you came here for?
- # Ah
- # Beware of the golden doors
# You get what
you're asking for
# When you get it
Ah hah hah hah hah hah
# Did you want the crown now?
# What, what, what you want?
# Is this what
you really want?
# You're in lost-and-found now
# What, what, what you want
# Is this
what you really want?
# Build a castle made of sand
# There's something loose
out in the land
# May not be
what you have planned
# Be careful what you wish
- # Careful, don't play the fool
- # Ah
# You may be forced to duel
# And did you
set out to rule?
# When you get it
Ah hah hah hah
# Was this
what you came here for?
# Beware of the golden door
# You get what
you're asking for
# When you get it
Ah hah hah hah hah hah. #
- They uploaded your webcasts!
- Oh, great!
- Which made the server collapse.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no, that's great!
The server collapsed
because every man and his dog
is logging on
to watch you.
So, drum roll, please.
Cassandra pitched an idea
to the client.
I have suggested that instead of
wasting Elspeth Dickens
on the Asia-Pacific campaign,
they use her
to spearhead the...
...international launch!
Rich! Rich!
You'll be rich, I tell ya!
They've asked for a day or two
to consult the powers that be,
but what this means in the
short term is that I need you here,
ready to jump
when they say jump.
Oh, that's great, but I'm on
the six o'clock flight.
- Uh, no, cancelled it.
- But the kids, James!
They're expecting me home.
Don't get me wrong.
This is wonderful.
But I have to have
a conversation with my husband...
Ralph, go to the lobby and fetch me
a sparkling mineral water.
Yep. There's one
in the minibar.
- Ralph?
- Mmm?
Oh! Exiting stage left.
I was tough on you
the other day, I know.
But I only said what I said
because the big time
is barrelling towards you
like a freight train.
It will only come once.
There will only be
one opportunity to get on board.
And if you don't
take your seat now,
then some other
lucky girl will.
And your chance will pass.
Forever.
If you're going to make this work,
then you need to let...
- What's his name, your husband?
- James.
Then you need to let James
carry more of the load.
We have a deal.
We agreed I'd be the main carer
until the kids were...
Deal, schmeal.
Opportunities like this
come once in a lifetime.
You need
to renegotiate your deal.
- I guess I'll get Mary back.
- Why can't you do it?
I can for a bit, but I've got to go
back to work on Wednesday,
and if you can't say
how long you're gonna be...
James, I want to
renegotiate our deal.
Yeah, whose big idea
was that in the first place?
Mine. I'm not blaming you.
I'm just asking you to review it.
You threw the deal
out the window
the moment
you took off for Sydney.
Don't be pretending
to ask my permission.
You don't seriously expect me
to tell these people to go away
until the twins
went to school
because that's when it's my
husband's turn to look after them,
so that's when I could work?
I expected you to do
exactly what you wanted to do,
and that's what you've done -
shock, horror.
What's the matter
with you?
Don't you want this
for me?
For us?
Don't you want this money?
Three cheers for Elspeth,
bringing home the big bucks.
You're all snippy
because you're tired,
'cause you're looking after
twin terrors 24/7.
Try doing it
for two and a half bloody years.
Try shoving your head
up your bum!
Interesting
how calm and rational you can be
when I'm the one
stuck at home.
But as soon as the shoe
is on the other foot...
- Hey, Elspeth.
- What?
This!
Hey, goddess lady!
Whoa! It's me.
Hey, I've been
watching your stuff on YouTube.
You're... You're awesome.
No, I'm not. I'm rubbish.
Oh. It's like that, is it?
I'm a sellout.
I don't do anything properly.
I'm a crap wife, a crap mother
and a terrible person.
Ah!
Goodnight.
# The goddess
comes in all shapes and sizes
# She is full of surprises
Here comes the goddess
# Sometimes she wears
inappropriate clothing
# Sometimes she's wearing
a nose ring
# Maybe wearing her make-up
# Maybe not
# She comes
when you least expect her
# But nobody can reject her
# Here comes the goddess
# So if you're
spiritually incomplete
# If you're out there
searching the street
# Look closely
at the women you meet
# The goddess
She will surely affect you
# Then she'll come
disinfect you
# Maybe wearing dark glasses
# She's got two big asses
# Struts her stuff for you
# Eats enough for two
# A dangerous dancer
# She might be the answer
# She comes
when you least expect her
# And nobody can reject her
# Here comes the goddess
# So if you're
spiritually incomplete
# If you're out there
searching the street
# Look closely
at the women you meet
# Here comes the goddess
# Sometimes she doesn't
wash her hair
# Sometimes
she's hairy like a bear
# Sometimes she wears
a wedding ring
# So look around
# Here comes the goddess
# The goddess
Perhaps her nose is red
# She might be
the stranger in your bed
# Perhaps she will knock you
on your head
# So look around
# Here comes the goddess
# Oh, here she comes
# A dangerous dancer
# She might be the answer
# Doo-doo-doo-doo-d00-doo-doo
# Here comes the goddess. #
sun rubbish.
So.
Same time, same place?
Can I come up?
- Rory!
- What?
Just to make sure the fella
in the funny outfit doesn't mug ya.
Good bye.
Thank you.
Stop it.
Stop it. I mean it. No.
You are Elspeth Dickens, mother,
and you are playing
dangerous games.
Who's she talking to?
You are Elspeth Dickens, wife,
and your husband's name
is James, James...
- Is she writing a song?
- I don't think so.
James, James, James.
Oh... There you are.
Oh. Oh, my God. That's him.
That's the husband. That's her
kitchen. She's switched us over.
Come on!
You worked the last time.
- Come on.
- Have you tried pulling it?
- What?
- Um, the knob.
Sorry?
Sorry.
Ah.
I'm Cherry.
From the agency.
I'm the babysitter.
Oh, Cherry.
What happened to Mary?
She's with another family,
I think.
Oh, well. You're here.
That's great. I'm James.
- Hi, James.
- Come and meet the, uh...
- The children?
- The children.
A massive
ground assault is underway.
Oh, jeepers.
What's wrong?
Did they do a poo?
No poo.
Hello, little ones.
If you don't do a poo,
you're gonna explode.
Boom!
Uh, hey. Who wants
to make playdough?
Do you want to make playdough?
Let's do that. Yeah.
- A little Elmo.
- A little Elmo.
Little arms.
Can I get you anything
before you go'?
- No, I'm fine. Thank you.
- Alright. Hey...
Boys, we're gonna
make a cake, aren't we?
Cake! Cake! Cake!
Cake! Cake!
This playdough's hard work.
Oh, you go
whenever you need to.
- I don't have to go just yet.
- Oh.
- OK.
- OK. Yep.
Mummy!
We've got no right
to be doing this.
They don't even know
there's a camera there.
Which makes it reality TV
at its finest.
- Mummy! Mummy!
- Not now, Napoleon!
Should we ask Daddy
to be our guinea pig?
Yeah? Alright.
Open wide.
- Oh, no. Oops.
- That's really yummy.
Mmm!
Oh, that... That is good.
- Good work.
- Mmm!
- Oh, look! What's that?
- Cake!
- You're not Mary.
- I want cake!
But first,
Daddy's gonna ice it.
I can't.
I'll bugger it up.
- He'll just get in the way.
- Oh, here.
- Oh, Elspeth doesn't like this.
- What?
- What?
- Two people in the kitchen.
- She says I get in the way.
- We like having you here.
- Don't we?
- Yes!
I'm having great fun, but...
...I've really
got to go shopping.
- Here.
- Daddy's being silly!
- He is! He can't go like that.
- Like what?
That shirt needs a sponge.
It'll take me two secs.
- Come on, off with it.
- Are you sure?
Mm-hm.
- - Oh.
We can't let Daddy go
looking all gooey, can we?
"Oh, oh, oh, oh! We can't
let Daddy go looking all gooey."
"No, we have to
sponge him down first."
- Nice tatts.
- Great back.
You should see his bottom.
We have.
This is somebody's husband!
It's someone's private life.
That's what makes it
so good!
I'm gonna tell him.
I'm gonna tell James.
He's got a right to know
he's being watched.
Oh.
You should see the stats.
You have got the most powerful
non-parochial penetration
since Julian Assange
leaked all over his Wiki.
Oh! What's this?
A first-class ticket
to New York, New York.
Sit and I'll upload.
Wow!
# Not everyone
can have what you want
# Fame is a crowded room
# Everybody wants the one shot
# At the sun spot
that's up at the top
# I'm the one who can jump
to the front of the line
# Make the sun shine
Do you know who I am?
# Ooh
# Follow me
and you'll hit the spot
# I can sell
everything you've got
# Make you into
what you are not
# Package and mould you
Lick you and fold you
# Get your head around this
I am offering bliss
# Blow me a kiss
Do you know who I am?
# Do you know who I am?
# Do you want
to feel the heat
# Of people
screaming at your feet?
# Oh!
Hold yourself steady
# Ah!!
# Yeah, you're already mine
# It's time
# Sign here
# Go get your high heels
I own the big deals
# And if you squander this,
your life is done
# It comes but once, now
# Don't be a dumb cow
# This is your final chance now,
sugar plum... #
Tomorrow, we fly to New York,
just for a few days,
to bang out the deal.
You schmooze and charm
while I screw them
for every cent they've got.
Then it's back here to pack
and off we go.
# Break the glass
Make a pass
# Shake that ass
while you still can
# Do you want
to feel the heat
# Of people
screaming at your feet?
# Oh!
Hold yourself steady
# Ah!!
# Yeah, you're already mine
# It's time
# Sign here
# Da-da-da-da-da
# On the dotted line
# Da-da-da-da
# You're not
that special, baby
# Da-da-da-da
# Da, feel the heat, da-da
# Da-da-da-da-da-da
# Da-da-da-da... #
Ralph! Bring the contract.
Now, as you can imagine,
I have got a million things
to do before we go,
so I will see you
tomorrow morning...
...in the limousine.
- Scary.
- I heard that!
Oh!
It seems just a blink ago
I was sentenced to kitchen duties
for the term
of my natural life, and then...
...you spotted me.
And now I'm off for...
How long is this tour thing?
Oh... Uh, best guesstimate?
Let's see. Uh...
- Three months-ish.
- Three?!
Well, I'll have to get
a full-time nanny.
Yay! A full-time nanny!
You can get
a whole fleet of nannies!
- Whoo!
- Hooray!
And then I can just take them
from hotel to hotel with me.
Sure.
Or you could just...
leave them at home.
Sure. But maybe not
for three months.
People work and travel
with kids and partners.
Look at movie stars.
They do it all the time.
Yeah.
Anyway, I get it.
This is my big chance.
I'd be a fool not to.
Yeah, so,
I need you to sign...
...there, sign there,
initial there and sign there.
- Right.
- Mmm!
With the money
you make from this,
you could pay for
your kids' entire education.
- Oh...
- Mm-hm.
Ralph, I've got to
sit with this.
Read it like
a proper grown-up.
Can I bring it to the airport
tomorrow morning?
Not if you want
to see me alive again.
Oh...
No, why don't I swing by tonight
and pick it up from the hotel?
Oh, Ralph!
You're such a champ.
Thank you.
Thank you for everything.
That's OK.
Oh, what happened, pal?
Did you hurt yourself?
- You OK?
- Fred fell down.
- It's OK. Dada's got you.
- Mama song.
Mama song?
# For you
light up the darkness
# You glow
Don't give up
# Don't give in
Don't let go. #
- Mama song.
- OK, Mama song. OK.
# If you didn't do
what you wanted to
# If you only did
what everybody told you
# Who would you be?
# You will always try
You will always fly
# You will always
look a tiger in the eye
# Take it from me
# I see in your eyes
# There's a movie of dreams
# See there is more to you
# Than it first seems
# See you are brighter
than all the moonbeams
# You know
# For you
light up the darkness
I You glow
# Don't give up
Don't give in
# Don't let go. #
Yeah.
- What's up, buttercup?
- Sorry.
I was just
watching my family.
Oh.
You're gonna be fine.
James is doing a great job.
Yeah. He...
How do you know?
I've been watching too.
Everybody can see it.
It is on your website.
Huh?
You... You...
You just switch from the Sydney
webcam to the Hobart webcam.
You know that.
- Bollocks.
- How could you not know that?
- Can you show me how you...
- What are you so panicked about?
I haven't even told him
about the webcam.
I mean, about me
doing the webcam thing,
let alone the fact
that he and the kids are now...
Oh, how could I?
How could you?
I... I thought you knew.
I'm sorry.
I'm such an idiot!
If I'd just...
Who's done all this artwork?
They... We...
We thought you'd be pleased.
Alright.
Well, I think it's ready.
Oh, there you are.
- Can you please go?
- I need the contract.
I'm starved.
Thank you.
Um...
You've just... missed one.
Just there.
Thanks.
Pick you up from the lobby
in the morning, then.
Oh...
- You're very tense.
- Yeah.
You worry about things,
don't you?
Oh. Oh...
- Is that OK?
- Yeah. Yeah, right there.
Oh, God, yes. Oh...
Where's Fizz?
Oh. Right there.
Oh...
- I'm gonna get going.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Um... Oh. Pantry.
Um, are you
feeling better?
Yeah. Good. Alright.
Well, I'll see you... Oh!
I'm sorry.
I'll see you later.
Oh. Bag.
Cherry, you've been great.
Thanks very much.
Oh. No worries.
Sorry. 'Bye! See you later.
- Hello?
- James!
I've got something really big
to tell you
and you're
not gonna like it.
Oh, God. What?
See the plant on the shelf
in the middle of the window?
Hang on one second.
- It's the babysitter. Coming!
- James.
James!
There's a webcam
hidden in your kitchen
and everybody's watching you
on the internet.
What?!
There's a webcam
in your kitchen.
I have to go.
They're coming.
James!
James! James!
James!
Bugged
I'm so sorry, Cassandra.
- I can't come. I'm not coming.
- This is just nerves...
I don't want to be
the next big thing.
Stop. Let's just
get in the car...
All this time, I have been
blaming James and the kids
for making me a nobody.
But it's them that have
turned me into somebody.
No-one is asking you
to leave your family behind.
Don't you see?
That's exactly what will happen.
Three months this time.
- Longer next time, until...
- Get her bags.
No, Cassandra.
I'm not coming.
You signed
a legally binding contract.
Actually, she didn't.
I went to pick up the contract
last night
and she hadn't signed it.
She... said that she was gonna
bring it this morning,
but she's obviously...
ripped it up... or something.
That's right.
There is no contract.
Idiot.
Women like me spend years
doing the hard yards,
creating opportunities
for girls like you.
And what do you do?
You nancy about
with all of this vague,
feel-goody,
New Agey crap
and piss it all away!
Well, if it means
ditching my husband
so that I can break through
the glass ceiling, yeah.
I choose
to piss it all away.
Don't you presume to know
anything about me.
I didn't ditch my husband.
He left me because
I couldn't have children.
And guess why I don't
tell that story to anyone.
I didn't...
Because that story makes me
a sad, lonely loser.
So forgive me
if I spin the story
in a way that seems superficial
to you, Elspeth,
but that is not
how I see myself.
That is not who I am.
I am Cassandra Wolfe.
I run the most successful agency
in the Asia-Pacific.
And I am fabulous!
You are fabulous,
Cassandra.
Good bye.
Thank you.
Come on.
- I have an idea.
- Don't speak just now.
Hello! Mummy's home!
Where's my bubbies?
- Hiya, bubbies!
- Again, again!
- Look! Mummy's here.
- My turn! Again!
- More, more!
- More, more!
More, more!
Hi.
My turn again!
He's not wearing any wings.
Oh, yeah. I...
I just suggested it, and...
I hope you don't mind.
I just...
We just thought we'd save them
for special days.
- Is that alright?
- Of course.
Where's their father?
- Hi.
- Hey.
I know you're angry with me.
I know why.
I had no choice.
That's it?
That's the apology?
I was desperate
for some sort of contact.
So that makes it OK
to expose our kids
to every perv and weirdo
who decided to log on?
No, that was a mistake -
I left the webcam on
to keep an eye
on the nanny, that's all.
As soon as I knew everyone
was watching, I called you.
- Who's the bloke?
- What bloke'?
Oh, come on, Elspeth.
Don't do this.
- Rory? He's just a friend.
- Not Rory, Neil.
- Who's Rory?
- Neil?
Yeah, Neil,
who sent you perfume.
Neil sent me perfume?
Oh, well...
He's just a boy, Jimmy.
He helped me
install the webcam.
Why would he
send you perfume?
Because I smell?
I don't know.
So who's this Rory?
Nobody.
I'm sorry
everyone got to watch you,
but I'm not sorry
that I got to watch you,
because I fell in love
with you.
I didn't even know
I'd fallen out of love with you
until I fell in love
with you again,
but that's
what happened, Jimmy.
I love you.
James!
How do I know you won't
fall out of love with me again?
I won't.
I won't!
# if the polar ice
is really melting
# If icebergs crack
and tear apart
# If glaciers tumble
to the ocean
# Why can't I melt
# The ice around your heart?
# For as you sail away
# Your heart grows
ever colder
# And even in
the warm and changing sea
# And falling down
# Onto the lonely seabed
# Is a heart
that once belonged
# To me
# Where are the stars?
# Where is the sky?
# Where is the chart
to guide us by?
# Where is the map?
# Where is
the part
# Where I warm
your frozen heart?
# Your parting words
are now an echo
# Now angry silence
says it all... #
# Don't want to lose you
to the distance
# Baby, just hold onto me
# And we won't fall
# And as I sail away
# Your heart
grows ever colder
# Shifting on
an ever-changing sea
# Where are the stars?
Where is the sky?
# Where is the chart
to guide us by?
# Where is the map?
# Where is
the part
# Where I warm
your frozen heart?
# Where is the sky?
# Where are the stars
to guide me by?
# Where is the map?
# Where is
the part
# Where I warm
your frozen heart?
# If the polar ice
is really melting
# if icebergs
crack and tear apart
# If glaciers
tumble to the ocean
# Why can't I melt
# The ice
around your heart? #
What is that?
What's wrong with it?
Hey, that's mine!
That's mine!
- Welcome home.
- Neil! Hi.
Thanks.
- Did you get my present...
- Excuse me.
- Aren't you that girl?
- Uh, no.
You are. You're Elspeth.
I loved your show.
We were on
the edge of our seats wondering
if James was gonna
bonk that nanny.
Why'd you stop?
Um, technical difficulties.
So, what are you doing now?
Shopping-
Neil! Clean-up
in aisle five, please.
- Neil! Clean-up in aisle five.
- Coming!
Apparently, he just
packed up and moved out.
- With the babysitter?
- No, not Cherry.
- She's starting her own show.
- Oh, I heard that.
You know, I heard she knew about
the webcam the entire time.
No! I don't believe that.
- Speak of the devil.
- Oh, my God.
- Elspeth?
- Poor thing.
Hi! It's Sophie,
from mothers group. Remember?
Do you want to have a coffee
with us later or something?
Um... my ice-cream
is melting.
Daddy!
I recorded that this morning.
It's a humpback.
Nobody knows exactly
why he's doing it.
I think it's 'cause
he's lost his mate.
I think he's trying to find
his way back to her.
And nothing's
gonna stop him
until he finds her again,
'cause she's...
...everything in the world
to him.
Ah!
Daddy, Fred done poo!
- Poo!
- Oh, good man!
- Well done!
- You've done a poo! Thank God!
- Fred, thank God.
- Good boy.
Good stuff. Well done.
Oh, I'm proud of you.
He still burns the toast.
He's mastered the ancient art
of sock sorting.
He's really trying.
When he's away, he logs on.
He sees me.
He hears my sink songs.
Which, of course,
you're all welcome to do.
# Welcome
to my kitchen sink
# This is where
I stop and think
# Where I'm often
on the brink
# Of madness... #
And if you're
in the neighbourhood,
drop by and see us
in the barn.
Details are on the website.
See you next week.
- # Welcome to my washing-up
- # Welcome to my washing-up
- # My 40,000th coffee cup
- # Her 40,000th coffee cup
# A place which knows
my every sulk
- # And sadness
- # And sadness
# Here I'm stuck
night after night
# Here I plot
revenge and flight
# Here's the scene
of wifely compromise
# Pine O Cleen and Lemon Gleam
# The kitchen sink
is where I dream
# And where I fantasise. #
# Meet at five at PartyLand
# Ring the changes
Bring the band
# Come with me, dance with me,
hand to hand
# Let's all have a party
# No fussing and no fighting
# And everyone's invited
# The loving's double-sided
# The circuit's overriding
# The cells are all dividing
It's getting quite exciting
# The babes are all arriving
# Watch and learn
Touch and yearn
# Boy, we're gonna make you
burn, burn, burn
# Let's all have a party
# No fussing and no fighting
# And everyone's invited
# The loving's double-sided
# Join at the hip
Slide and dip
# Let it all rip
Work it out and flip
# Join at the hip
Slide and dip
# Let it all rip
Work it out and flip... #
# Lady, get what you want
Gentleman, what you want
# Baby, get what you want
Baby, get what you need
# Lady, get what you want
# Gentleman, what you want
Baby, get what you want
# Baby, get what you need
# Lady, get what you want
Gentleman, what you want
# Baby,
get what you want
# Baby, get what you need. #
# I get up, go to work
# Put a smile on my face
# Don't know if the world's
gonna give me an ace
# But it's alright
if you're with me
# I look up to the sky,
see the rain up ahead
# Didn't bring my umbrella,
so I'm bound to get wet
# But it's alright
if you're with me
# It's alright when I know
that you're with me
# It's alright
when I know that you're close
# I can't handle the world
trying to ruin my mood
# 'Cause it ain't gonna work
# Back up, take a train
all the way outta town
# Can't breathe when
there's so many people around
# But it's alright
if you're with me
# It's alright when I know
that you're with me
# It's alright
when I know that you're close
# I can't handle the world
trying to ruin my mood
# 'Cause it ain't
gonna work
# It's alright when I know
that you're with me
# It's alright
when I know that you're close
# I can't handle the world
trying to ruin my mood
# 'Cause it ain't
gonna work
# It's alright when I know
that you're with me
# It's alright
when I know that you're close
# I can't handle the world
trying to ruin my mood
# 'Cause it ain't
gonna work. #
# If you
didn't do what you wanted to
# If you only did
what everybody told you
# What would you be?
# You will always try
You will always fly
# You will always
look a tiger in the eye
# Take it from me
# I see in your eyes
there's a movie of dreams
# See there is more to you
than it first seems
# See you are brighter
than all the moonbeams
# You know
# For you light up the darkness
You glow
# Don't give up
Don't give in
# Don't let go
# If you never say
what you want to say
# If you only do it
everybody else's way
# Who would you be?
# If you never shout
If you never doubt
# If you never rock the boat
until we all fall out
# Do it for me
# For when you are quiet,
it troubles my mind
# Though life is sometimes
bitter as a lemon rind
# You'll have a voice
# That is one of a kind
# You know
# Oh, you light up the darkness
You glow
# Don't give up
Don't give in
# Don't let go. #