EAT ME.
[READING TITLES]
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
"THE UNSINKABLE SCHECKY...
MOSKOWITZ."
THE UNSINKABLE
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ?
HUH.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
I'M 'AVE ONE UP HERE
ONE DUNG THERE
ONE IN HANOVER
ONE DUNG A VERE
ONE SHE'S A LAWYER
ONE SHE'S A DOCTOR
ONE WHA' DE WORK
WITH A LITTLE CONTRACTOR
ONE DUNG A EAS ONE DUNG A WES I'M 'AVE
ONE UP NORTH
AND 2 DUNG SOUTH
ONE A-SELL A CIGARETTE
'PON DE RUN-ABOU CART, 'EY
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
I'M 'AVE ONE
A GO A SCHOOL
ONE GWAN FOOL-FOOL
I'M 'AVE
ONE EV'RY TIME
ME SAY SHE THINK
A SHE RULE
ONE SHE A NURSE
SHE SAY
A SHE COME FIRST
THE ADA NIGH DEM GOIN' OUT
DEM PICK A NEW PURSE
ONE A SELL STAR
ONE WORK IN A BAR
A SHE CAS' SMILE
WHEN DA 2 A DEM
MUS' PART
ONE GETTI GETTI
ONE FRETTI FRETTI
AND I'M NAH DRINK
NO OTHER MILK
BUT BETTY
YOU TOO
GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOU TOO
GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
I'M 'AVE ONE UP HERE,
ONE DUNG HERE
ONE IN HANOVER,
ONE DUNG A VERE
ONE SHE'S A LAWYER,
ONE SHE'S A DOCTOR
ONE WHA' DE WORK
WITH A LITTLE CONTRACTOR
ONE DUNG A EAST,
ONE DUNG A WEST
ONE UP NORTH
AND ONE DUNG SOUTH
ONE A GO A SCHOOL,
AND ONE FOOL-FOOL
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH
IT ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
SCHECKY'S VERY UGLY.
WHEN I SPEAK TO HIM,
I WANT TO VOMIT.
I WAS IN THE ELEVATOR
WITH HIM THE OTHER DAY,
AND THERE WAS
A--A FOUL SMELL.
HE HAS GREAT CONCEPTS
ABOUT LIFE...
BUT I WOULDN' WANT HIM TO TOUCH ME.
HEY, THERE.
I'M SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
THANK YOU.
SEE YOU LATER THERE,
MR. CAB DRIVER.
HEY, HOW ARE YA?
WELL, WHAT YOU'RE
ABOUT TO SEE
IS A FICTITIOUS, LOOSELY
THROWN TOGETHER STORY
ABOUT A SEA CRUISE WAITER--
ME, RIGHT HERE--
WHO DREAMS OF BECOMING
A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.
THIS STORY IS BASED
ENTIRELY AROUND THE FAC THAT WE HAD ACCESS
TO THIS NICE BIG BOAT HERE
AND A LO OF GOOD-LOOKING WOMEN...
I MEAN, REALLY
GOOD-LOOKING WOMEN...
BEAUTY PAGEANT GIRLS.
BEAUTIFUL.
HI.
HOLA.
HI.
HI.
HELLO.
HELLO.
G'DAY.
UNBELIEVABLE.
BEAUTIFUL.
VERY CLEAN WOMEN.
[HUMMING]
OH. OH, YEAH.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU
UM, THIS IS A NO,
UM, BUDGET FLICK,
NOT A LOW-BUDGET FLICK.
NO BUDGET.
UM, JUST LIKE--
THIS WOULD BE AN EARTHQUAKE
RIGHT HERE.
[RUMBLING]
SEE, THAT DIDN'T COST US
ANYTHING RIGHT THERE.
NOW, ENJOY THE FLICK.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
Man: ALL ASHORE
THAT'S GOING ASHORE.
OH. ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE ARE ON THE DECK
READY TO ROCK 'N' ROLL.
START THE PICTURE.
I'M HERE IN MY
WAITER SUIT RIGHT NOW,
AND--OH, SHOOT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[HORN BLOWS]
AH HA HA. NOW
THAT'S BETTER, RIGHT HERE.
HEY, WAITER.
WHERE'S MY BLOODY MARY?
AH, YES.
AND MAKE IT BLOODY.
AH. YES, SIR.
HEY, ASSHOLE.
BRING ME ANOTHER ONE.
AH. YES, MA'AM.
[MAN LAUGHING]
I'LL TELL YA,
I JUST WENT OU WITH A GIRL LAST WEEK.
I WAS GOIN' CRAZY.
WE WERE DOIN' GOOD.
SHE'S GOIN' CRAZY.
SHE'S BITIN' MY NIPPLES.
SHE'S PULLIN'
MY CHEST HAIR, RIGHT?
AW. CRAZY, RIGHT?
FINALLY, I GO, "HEY.
THIS HAS GOTTA STOP.
I SAID, HEY, MOM."
[WOMEN LAUGH]
Man: ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
LEMME TELL YOU THIS ONE.
ALL RIGHT?
LAST WEDNESDAY, RIGHT?
I'M OVER THIS GUY'S HOUSE,
RIGHT?
WE'RE PLAYING CHESS.
YOU KNOW, A GAME OF CHESS.
FINALLY, I SAYS, "HEY...
THIS SHIT'S BORING
THE SHIT OUTTA ME," RIGHT?
SO, I TOOK THE CHESS PIECE,
AND I SHOVED I IN HIS EYE.
I SHOVED IT IN HIS EYE.
AND I SAID, "THERE'S FUCKIN'
CHESS-EYE FOR YA."
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
[MAN LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHA I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?
CHECK THIS OUT.
I WENT SWIMMING
ON A BOAT THE OTHER
MORNING, RIGHT?
AND I GO OUT SWIMMING,
AND MY DICK SHRIVELS UP.
JESUS CHRIST!
YOU KIDDING?
MY PUBLIC HAIR
HAD MY PENIS HOSTAGE!
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW WHA I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?
SCHECKY!
OH. HI, BOB.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M JUST LISTENING
TO THAT GUY OVER THERE.
Bob: THE GUY
WITH THE GIRLS
DROOLING ALL OVER HIM?
Schecky: YEAH.
DICKIE DIAMOND.
THAT'S THE SHIP
COMEDIAN.
OH. I GUESS THAT MEANS
YOU DIDN'T CONVINCE
THE CAPTAIN
TO HIRE YOU
AS SHIP COMEDIAN.
YEAH. YEAH.
I GUESS THAT'S WHA "GET OUTTA MY OFFICE
YOU NO TALENT LOSER" MEANT.
NO. I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
TOUGH BREAK.
WELL, I'M FUNNIER THAN
THAT GUY, DON'T YOU THINK?
I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN' HEARD HIM. WAIT.
I GOT THIS CHICK, RIGHT?
SHE'S...GOT A SCISSOR--
LIKE A FUCKIN' WRESTLER
OR SOMETHING, RIGHT--
SHE'S GOT A SCISSOR HOLD
ON MY NECK, RIGHT?
I'M CHOKIN',
I'M FUCKIN' DYING.
FINALLY, I SAID,
"HEY, GRANDMA,
TAKE YOUR FUCKIN'
VARICOSE STICKS
OFF MY NECK, WILL YA?
[LAUGHS]
OH. THAT GUY'S
PRETTY FUNNY, SCHECK.
OH, MAN. THE GUY'S
TALKING ABOUT INCEST.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
THE GUY NEEDS HELP.
I COULD GET LAUGHS
WITH THAT.
THE GUY PROBABLY
FARTS ONSTAGE, TOO.
HEY. PULL MY FINGER.
PULL MY FINGER.
PFFT.
[LAUGHS]
[FARTING SOUNDS
AND LAUGHING]
ALL MY LIFE, I JUS WANTED TO GET ONSTAGE
AND MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,
BUT NOBODY GIVES
ME A CHANCE AROUND HERE.
I'M FUNNY. I MEAN,
I JUST WANT THEM
TO HEAR
WHAT I GOTTA SAY.
I GOT CERTAIN THINGS
I WANNA TALK ABOUT.
MAYBE THEY'D BE INTERESTED
IN HEARING, YOU KNOW?
Man: WAITER GUY!
MY WIFE'S THROWIN' UP!
QUICK. GET ME A TOWEL!
SORRY. I'M ON BREAK.
HEY! HEY! HOW ARE YA?
I DIDN'T SEE YA THERE.
UM, WELL, LET'S SEE.
WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE WERE WE?
AFTER I FINISHED CLEANING UP
THAT LADY'S VOMIT,
UM, I WORKED
A FEW MORE HOURS
AND THEN I TOOK
A LITTLE BREAK,
AND DURING THAT BREAK
I WROTE A FEW NEW JOKES,
AND I THINK
THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD.
I'M VERY HAPPY
WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
SEE, WHAT I'M GONNA DO,
I'M GONNA ASK
THE BIG COMEDIAN,
DICKIE DIAMOND,
IF I CAN OPEN UP FOR HIM--
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
WHOA. WHAT, YOU HEAR THAT?
I BET THAT'S
MY BEST FRIEND, BOB.
HEY, SCHECKY.
HEY.
WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?
I BEEN TALKIN' TO THA CAMERA RIGHT THERE.
OH. SO, YOU READY
FOR WORK?
I AM READY FOR WORK,
BUT I WAS WONDERIN'
BEFORE WE GO,
YOU THINK I COULD JUS RUN A FEW THINGS BY YOU,
A FEW JOKES--JUST, LIKE,
A LITTLE IMPROVISATION?
YOU GIVE ME YOUR
HONEST OPINION, ALL RIGHT?
NO PROBLEM.
WHOO-HOO.
I'M ALL AUDIENCE.
ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO, THEN.
ALL RIGHT. HEY.
HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'
OUT THERE TONIGHT?
FINE.
OH, HO, HO, HO.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PAL?
WHERE YOU FROM?
BOB FROM CALIFORNIA.
BOB FROM CALIFORNIA?
WHOA!
BOB FROM CALIFORNIA.
BOB.
[LAUGHS]
BOB FROM CALIFORNIA!
WHOO!
Bob: YEAH.
I CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING FUNNY.
WAS THAT PAR OF YOUR ACT?
NO. I--JEEZ. I STINK AT THIS.
I'M NOT FUNNY.
NOT TRUE. I THINK
YOU'RE VERY FUNNY.
I THINK YOU'RE FUNNY
NATURALLY.
AS SOON AS YOU
GET UP ONSTAGE,
PEOPLE
ARE GONNA LAUGH.
ARE YOU EVER GONNA
GET ON A STAGE?
HOPEFULLY,
BECAUSE I'M GONNA ASK
MR. DICKIE DIAMOND
IF I CAN OPEN UP FOR HIM
ONE OF THESE NIGHTS.
REALLY?
YEAH.
OH. WE BETTER
GET OUTTA HERE,
'CAUSE DICKIE DIAMOND'S DOIN'
HIS AFTERNOON SET ON THE DECK.
SO, LET'S GO
AND CHECK THAT OUT.
RIGHT.
[CLAPS]
I'LL TELL YOU. SOMETIMES,
IT GETS REALLY, REALLY HOT,
YOU KNOW, IN L.A. NOTHING
MOVES ON YOUR WHOLE BODY.
THE ONLY THING
THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY MOVE
IS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER.
THAT'S IT.
[ALL LAUGH]
FUCK YOU!
THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO.
HEY, BUDDY. RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT THERE.
I MEAN, I'M SORRY.
SOMETIMES, IT GETS SO HO YOU'RE JUST DRIVIN'
IN YOUR CAR,
AND YOU'RE--YOU'RE
IN A HUMAN MICROWAVE NOW.
YOU'RE IN YOUR CAR,
YOU'RE FLIPPIN' OFF
EVERYBODY, RIGHT?
YOU'RE JUS PISSED OFF, FLIPPIN'.
IF THIS WAS A KNIFE,
I'D POKE YOU
RIGHT IN THE EYE,
BUDDY, YOU KNOW?
I'M DRIVIN', I'M--
FINALLY, THAT'S IT.
I'M WAY TOO HOT NOW, RIGHT?
I SAID, "I'M GOIN'
TO GET SOMETHING TO DRINK."
I GO. I GET A 6-PACK.
I'M DRINKIN'.
I'M DRIVIN', RIGHT?
COP PULLS ME OVER.
HE SAYS, "ARE YOU DRINKIN'?"
OF COURSE,
I'M FUCKIN' DRINKIN'.
WHAT KIND OF QUESTION
IS THAT?
IT'S FUCKIN' HOT.
[LAUGHS]
HEY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
BUNNY MILLER.
BUNNY MILLER.
IS THAT A JEWISH NAME?
BOY. A NICE JEWISH NAME
LIKE THAT.
SO, WHERE'D YOUR MOTHER
POP YOU OUT?
WHAT?
[LAUGHS]
WHERE'D YOU BURST YOUR BAG,
BUNNY? COME ON.
I'M SORRY.
OH, YOU'RE SORRY.
BUNNY, COME ON,
IT'S NOT A FUCKING
GENIUS QUESTION HERE.
[LAUGHS]
[BUZZER SOUND] YOU LOSE, BUN.
GUESS WHAT? YOU LOSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
TO LOSERS?
YOU GET YOUR BATHING SUI RIPPED OFF
AND SHOVED UP YOUR ASS.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST...
LEAVE THE GIRL ALONE
AND STICK
TO YOUR COMEDY?
OH-OH. MR. HECKLER.
MR. BIG MAN FROM HELL.
THE HELL HECKLER
IS HERE, FOLKS.
OH, MY GOD. LOOK.
HE'S SO BIG.
ALL I'M SAYIN'
IS WHY DON'T YOU
JUST LAY OFF THE GIRL?
LAY THE GIRL?
THAT'S A SICK THING, MAN.
THAT'S A SICK THING.
RIGHT IN FRON OF ALL THESE PEOPLE
TO LAY THE GIRL?
THAT'S REALLY A SICK THING.
[LAUGHS]
OK, FINE.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE
TO SHOOT YOU.
[LAUGHS]
OH. OH.
[APPLAUSE]
[HUMMING]
I TELL YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING HEAVIER
THAN A DEAD COMEDIAN.
[ALL LAUGH]
Schecky: THANK YOU.
UM, I WAS TALKING
TO MY FATHER
THE OTHER DAY
ON THE PHONE,
AND HE SAID TO ME,
"SCHECKY"--
UM, HE CALLS ME "SCHECKY"
'CAUSE THAT'S MY NAME,
AND I DON'T ANSWER
TO "BOB" MUCH. BAA.
HE SAID, "UH, SCHECKY,
"I WANT YOU TO MARRY A GIRL
WITH THE SAME BELIEF
AS THE FAMILY,"
AND I WAS KINDA, LIKE,
"UH, DAD, WHY SHOULD
I MARRY A GIRL
WHO THINKS I'M A SHMUCK?"
HUH? HEY. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT. WELL,
MY NAME IS, UH, SCHECKY,
AND MY FATHER'S NAME
IS SCHECKY, ALSO.
HAVING A NAME
AS YOUR FATHER,
THE SAME NAME, THAT'S--
THAT'S VERY WEIRD, YOU KNOW?
IT WAS ALL RIGH TILL MY VOICE CHANGED.
MY FRIENDS WOULD CALL UP
AND SAY,
"HI. IS SCHECKY THERE?"
MY FATHER WOULD SAY,
"THIS IS SCHECKY."
MY FRIENDS WOULD SAY,
"HEY, SCHECKY.
YOU WERE
SO WASTED LAST NIGHT."
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
ALL RIGHT. NOW, LOOK.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
ON YOUR LAST TOUR,
WE SOLD AT LEAS A MILLION
CROAKER T-SHIRTS--
A MILLION OF 'EM.
SO WE DID 100,000
ON THE CROAKER
SPIKED ARM BRACELETS,
BUT I STILL THINK
IT WOULD BE
IN YOUR BEST INTERES TO APPROVE--
APPROVE THE--THE--
THE ACTION DOLL
FOR YOUR
YOUNGER AUDIENCE,
FOR THE 9-YEAR-OLDS,
THE 10-YEAR-OLDS
AND--AND SUCH FORTH.
YEAH, BUT I DON'T WAN TO BE NO FUCKIN'
BARBIE DOLL, MORT.
THAT CAN'T BE GOOD
FOR MY IMAGE, MAN.
NO. CROAKIE, COME ON.
LISTEN TO ME, MAN.
LISTEN TO ME, BABY.
YOU LISTENING?
I'M LISTENIN'.
OK, 'CAUSE
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE LISTENING TO ME.
WHAT DO I GOTTA DO?
SHOVE MY FUCKIN' EAR
AGAINST YOUR MOUTH?
ALL RIGHT, CROAKIE.
JUST LISTEN TO ME.
WE NEED THE DOLL.
LAST APRIL,
YOU TRASHED 4 PORSCHES
AND ONE HARLEY DAVIDSON.
THE HOTEL THAT YOU
BURNED DOWN IS SUING US.
THEY'RE SUING US.
WE NEED THE DOLL.
WE NEED IT.
WHY NOT A POSTER?
WHY NOT A LUNCHBOX
OR SOMETHIN'?
WHY DOES IT HAVE
TO BE A BARBIE?
IT'S NO A BARBIE DOLL...
IT'S A FUCKING
ACTION FIGURE, CROAKER!
AN ACTION FIGURE!
IT'S LIKE A--
LIKE A RAMBO DOLL
OR LIKE ONE
OF THOSE, UM...
THOSE--THOSE
TRANSFORMER THINGS
YOU'RE SO NUTS ABOUT.
IT'S--IT'S
AN ACTION FIGURE.
IT'S MACHO. IT'S MACHO,
CROAKIE, MACHO.
CROAKER,
I TALKED TO SAUL.
SAUL SAYS WE CAN MAKE
40 MILLION OFF OF IT.
40 MILLION?
40 MILLION.
4-D MILLION?
40 MILLION.
ACTION FIGURE, HUH?
YEAH.
THAT'S COOL, MAN.
THAT'S COOL...
BUT MAKE SURE
IT AIN'T SMILIN'.
YES! ALL RIGHT NOW,
WAITER!
AH. YOU SEE,
THESE GUYS
HAVE NOTHIN' TO DO
WITH THIS FLICK,
BUT WE THREW 'EM IN
JUST FOR
A LITTLE VARIETY...
WHATEVER
THAT MEANS, HUH?
MAY I HELP YOU GUYS?
YEAH. DRINKS
ALL AROUND, MAN.
BAMBI, WHAT CAN I GE FOR YOU TO DRINK?
UM, ACTUALLY, I HAVE
AN AEROBICS CLASS,
SO, UM, I'M GONNA
TAKE A RAIN MAN ON THAT.
OH, GOD! I MEAN,
A RAIN CHECK.
NO PROBLEM, BABE.
MAN, OH, MAN.
I NEVER GET SICK
OF THAT, MAN.
CAN I, UH,
GET YOU A DRINK?
YEAH. GET ME ONE OF THEM,
UH, TROPICAL DRINKS
WITH, LIKE, UH,
LEVELS TO THEM
AND AN UMBRELLA
AND FRUIT.
OH. WELL, UM,
THEY COME IN 2 FLAVORS.
YOU CAN HAVE 'EM
GREEN OR BLACK.
BLACK.
AND CAN
I GET YOU ONE?
HUH?
A DRINK?
YEAH--YEAH.
WHAT--WHATEVER.
SAY, YOU KNOW,
I USED TO WORK
UH, AS A WAITER ONCE...
BACK BEFORE I WAS
A MULTI-BILLIONAIRE.
Mort: MILLIONAIRE,
CROAKER.
MILLIONAIRE, BABY.
MILLIONAIRE.
IT WAS AT ONE OF THESE
RIB RESTAURANTS, MAN,
AND, UH, I--IT WAS,
LIKE, I'D HAVE TO TOUCH
ALL THESE PEOPLE'S
CHEWED UP FOOD,
AND IT WOULD GET STUCK
UNDERNEATH MY FINGERNAILS, MAN,
AND IT WOULD JUS SIT THERE FOR DAYS
AND IT WOULD STINK.
I HATED THAT JOB, MAN.
Both: EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
CAN WE PLEASE HAVE
YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT!
YO! CHICKS, MAN.
MMM. I'LL SIGN AUTOGRAPHS
FOR YOU BITCHES, MAN.
JUST SAY, "TO PAMMY AND LIZ,
YOU WERE GREAT LAST NIGHT.
LOVE, CROAKER."
ALL RIGHT!
HEY, MORT. MORT.
HOW DO YOU SPELL--
HOW DO YOU SPELL
"GREAT," MAN?
G-R-E-A-T.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
YOU, UH--YOU IN A BAND
OR SOMETHIN'?
YEAH, MAN. I'M THE LEAD
SINGER FOR YELLOW TEETH.
WE HAD THE NUMBER ONE
SONG LAST WEEK,
I WANNA SLAP YOUR CAT.
I WANNA
SLAP YOUR CAT
THAT'S WHERE IT'S A I'LL GO GET YOU
THAT DRINK, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
OK.
WHOA. THAT GUY'S PUNKED
IN THE HEAD RIGHT THERE.
I--I JUS DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
WHY DO SLEAZY GUYS
LIKE THAT GET CHICKS?
JUST 'CAUSE THEY GE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS?
IT MAKES ME SICK.
IF I HAD
A MILLION DOLLARS...
ACTUALLY, I WOULD
TAKE A HUNDRED AND BURY I AND HOPEFULLY,
SOMEBODY POOR WOULD FIND IT.
IF I HAD
A MILLION DOLLARS...
I WOULD BUY
ANOTHER FUR COAT.
SPEND IT ON CLOTHES.
PUT IT IN THE BANK
AND THINK ABOUT IT.
I'D PUT IT IN THE BANK.
IF I HAD
A MILLION DOLLARS,
THE FIRST THING I'D BUY
WOULD BE A MERCEDES.
I WOULD BUY OUT CLEARASIL
SO I COULD POP
EVERYBODY'S PIMPLES
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN' BE ABLE TO GET RID OF THEM.
MMM. PUS.
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND THE WORLDIE
I'M 'AVE ONE UP HERE,
ONE DUNG THERE
ONE IN HANOVER,
ONE DUNG A VERE
ONE'S YOUR LAWYER,
ONE'S YOUR DOCTOR
ONE WHA' DEY WORK
WITH A LITTLE CONTRACTOR
ONE DUNG A EAST,
ONE DUNG A WEST
ONE UP NORTH
AND 2 DUNG A-SOUTH
ONE A GO A SCHOOL
AND ONE FOOL-FOOL
YOU'RE TOO
GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND DE WORLDIE
YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
YOU JUS' A FLASH I ROUND THE WORLDIE
A BIG FAT ONE
WHO'S A GO-GO DANCER
A LITTLE SLIM ONE
WHO'S A RADIO ANNOUNCER
ONE ITEY-TITEY
ONE FIGHTIE-FIGHTIE
AND BEFORE I'M GROW OLD,
I'M WANT ONE IN NORTH POLE
ONE INA LONDON,
ONE INA JAPAN
ONE INA SCOTLAND,
ONE INA FINLAND
ONE INA TAIWAN,
ONE INA IOWA
AN' ONE INA GREENLAND
ONE INA ICELAND
ONE INA CANADA,
ONE UGANDA
HEY, THERE. HI.
UM, WELL, I GOT OFF WORK
A LITTLE EARLY TONIGHT,
SO, I FIGURED
I'D HANG OUT AT THE BAR
WITH MY GOOD FRIEND
BOB, HERE.
UM, WHAT THESE GUYS
ARE DOIN' HERE,
I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA,
BUT I--I REALLY CAN'T KNOW
EVERYTHING, NOW, CAN I?
I JUST FINISHED UP
TELLIN' BOB THIS JOKE
ABOUT A FARMER.
LET'S SEE HOW HE REACTS
TO IT, ALL RIGHT?
I DON'T GET IT, SCHECKY.
I--THE FARMER WEARS
THE CONDOM FOR 8 YEARS.
EXPLAIN IT TO ME.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I DON'T KNOW,
AND I CAN' EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
I GUESS I MUST HAVE
TOLD THE JOKE WRONG
OR SOMETHING.
AH.
HA HA.
I GOT IT, MAN.
I THOUGHT THAT JOKE
WAS REALLY FUNNY.
REALLY?
YEAH.
[LAUGHS]
HEY. DID I EVER
TELL YOU
THAT I USED
TO BE A WAITER ONCE?
YOU WERE?
YEAH. IT WAS A THIS RESTAURANT, MAN...
AND I HATED
THAT JOB, MAN,
BECAUSE I HAD TO TOUCH
ALL THESE PEOPLE'S
CHEWED UP FOOD.
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I WOULD DO?
WHAT?
I WOULD GO
INTO THE BATHROOM
DURING MY SHIFT,
AND I'D DO A NUMBER 2...
YEAH?
AND I WOULDN' WASH MY HANDS, MAN.
[LAUGHS]
I THINK
THAT'S ILLEGAL, MAN.
[LAUGHS]
HI, CROAKER.
HEY, BABE.
HEY. WHO'S
THE OTHER BABE?
THIS IS MY FRIEND,
BLUEBELL
I BROUGHT ALONG
FOR YOUR FRIEND, MORT,
LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO.
ALL RIGHT.
JESUS CHRIST,
CROAKIE.
WHAT ARE YOU--YOU--
YOU PAYING CHICKS
TO BE WITH ME AGAIN?
IS THA WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'?
YOU THINK
I DON'T KNOW
THAT YOU PAY 'EM
TO SLEEP WITH ME?
I'M NOT PAYIN'
ANYBODY, MAN.
SHE WANTS YOU.
CHECK IT OUT.
OK. THIS IS THE GUY
I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH...
TO GET TO CROAKER?
UNH.
OK. COME ON.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
WELL, THIS IS GREAT.
THIS IS GREAT.
ROCK ON, MAN.
ROCK 'N' ROLL.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, HEY.
HEY, IS SOMETHIN' WRONG?
AH. NO.
AH. COME ON.
AH. WELL, YEAH.
WELL, SOMETHIN'
A LITTLE, I GUESS.
UM...
WOMEN DON'T LIKE ME,
AND I'M NOT FUNNY.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU'RE VERY FUNNY.
WELL, YEAH, MAYBE.
I'M--I'M DEFINITELY
STILL GONNA ASK
DICKIE DIAMOND
IF I CAN OPEN UP
FOR HIM.
BOB?
YEAH?
AM I AT ALL
GOOD-LOOKING?
YEAH. YEAH.
YOU LOOK FINE.
WELL, SERIOUSLY,
I MEAN,
WHO DO YOU THINK
IS BETTER LOOKING,
ME OR YOU?
[LAUGHS]
WELL, THAT'S EASY.
I MEAN, ME.
[SIGHS]
I'VE BEEN WATCHING
YOU, WAITER BOY.
YOUR NAME IS BOB,
ISN'T IT?
YES, IT IS.
IT'S BOB.
I THINK WE SHOULD GO
LOOK AT THE MOON TOGETHER,
DON'T YOU?
YES, I DO.
I THINK THAT'S A VERY,
VERY, VERY GOOD IDEA.
SEE YA LATER, SCHECKY.
UH, HI.
WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
I JUST MEAN "HI".
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
CAN'T A GIRL
COME INTO A BAR
AND HAVE SOME PEACE?
OH. ALL I SAID WAS "HI".
[SIGHS]
YEAH? WELL, FUCK YOU.
HEY, BEERTENDER.
GIMME A BREW, WILL YA?
[FARTS]
HEY. YOU'RE--YOU'RE
DICKIE DIAMOND.
YOU'RE THE SHIP
COMEDIAN.
YEAH. THAT'S ME.
DICKIE DIAMOND.
HEY, MAN. I KNOW
WHO YOU ARE.
YOU'RE THAT PSYCHO WAITER
THAT KEEPS WATCHING ME
FROM THE AUDIENCE.
OH, YEAH.
I AM A WAITER HERE,
BUT, UM, ACTUALLY, UM,
I'M A STAND-UP
COMEDIAN, TOO.
I DO STAND-UP. YEAH.
I'M JUST BEING
A WAITER HERE UNTIL I--
I'M NOT GETTIN'
STAGE TIME QUITE YET.
THAT'S GREAT, KID.
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU TELLIN' ME FOR?
WELL, I WAS
JUST WONDERIN'...
MAYBE, UM, I COULD
OPEN UP FOR YOU
JUST ONE NIGHT HERE.
[LAUGHS]
OPEN UP
FOR DICKIE DIAMOND, HUH?
[LAUGHS]
KID, WHAT DO YOU
THINK THIS IS?
THE FUCKING TONIGHT SHOW?
IT'S A BOAT.
YEAH. I KNOW.
I KNOW THAT.
I WAS JUS WONDERING--
WELL, ALL I'M SAYING
IS MAYBE I COULD--
LET ME--LET ME
JUST, UH, TELL YOU
A FEW OF MY JOKES.
I'LL TELL YOU
A FEW OF MY JOKES.
MAYBE--I
DON'T KNOW--LISTEN.
UM, ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S THIS
FAT OLD LADY,
AND SHE WALKS
INTO THIS BAR,
AND SHE'S COUGHING.
[COUGHS]
SHE'S REALLY
COUGHING LOUD,
AND SHE DOESN'T--
WHOA. WHOA. WHOA, KID.
YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE PROBABLY A REALLY,
REALLY FUNNY GUY, YOU KNOW?
I CAN TELL JUST BY THE WAY
YOU'RE TELLING I YOU PROBABLY ARE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I JUST CAME DOWN HERE
TO WAIT FOR MY GIRLFRIEND,
TO HAVE A BEER,
RELAX A LITTLE BIT,
NOT SIT AT THE BAR
AND HEAR SOME DUMB ASS COMIC
TELL ME SOME STUPID,
FUCKING JOKES, ALL RIGHT?
OH, MAN. I WASN' TRYING TO--
UH, I KNOW THAT--
I JUST WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD--
ALL I'M ASKING FOR
IS MAYBE I COULD GO UP
ONE NIGHT, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE--YOU'RE--
JUST GO UP
AND OPEN UP FOR YOU.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
LISTEN, KID,
I--I DON'T CARE.
I DON'T CARE WHA YOU'RE SAYING. YOU GET THAT?
I DON'T CARE.
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
ALL RIGHT? GREAT.
YEAH. YEAH. I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'.
I--I'M SORRY
IF I'M BUGGIN' YOU,
BUT ALL I WANTED TO DO--
I MEAN, I WORK
ON THE SHIP, TOO.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU
COULD JUST LET ME
GO UP FOR A FEW MINUTES.
KID, I DON'T CARE.
I'M NOT TRYIN'
TO ASK ANYTHING
THAT BIG OF A DEAL.
ALL I WANT TO DO
IS JUST MAYBE
OPEN UP FOR YOU.
I MEAN, I'M NOT--
I DON'T CARE!
HEY.
HI, DICKIE.
WHERE WERE YOU, BABY?
IN THE BATHROOM,
THINKING OF YOU.
OH, THAT'S CUTE.
COME ON.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
MR. GIGGLES A LITTLE KISS?
NOT IN FRON OF THAT PERVERT.
DID THIS GUY
SAY SOMETHING TO YOU?
NAH. HE JUST TRIED
TO PICK UP ON ME BIG TIME.
STAND BACK.
DID YOU SAY SOMETHING
TO MY GIRLFRIEND?
NO, MAN. I--
I THINK YOU DID, MAN.
OOF!
THERE'S YOUR PUNCH LINE,
YOU STUPID FUCK.
OH, MAN.
THAT GUY IS UN-COOL.
YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY SAY...
BEHIND THE MASK
OF A CLOWN
LIES A TRAIL
OF TEARS.
WOW. MY JAW IS KILLIN' ME.
SCHECKY...
WHY DON' YOU JUST GO HOME
AND GO TO BED?
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL JUST GO HOME
AND GO TO BED ALONE.
AGAIN.
I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP.
I'M TOO DEPRESSED.
I WONDER WHERE
I'LL BE IN, LIKE,
IN, LIKE, 10 YEARS.
IN 10 YEARS FROM NOW,
I WILL BE A TV BROADCASTER
ON A TELEVISION STATION.
I WILL BE MARRIED
AND HAVE 2 CHILDREN.
I HOPE TO BE
FIRMLY ESTABLISHED
IN MY CAREER,
POSSIBLY MARRIED
AND WITH 2 CHILDREN.
SEVERAL CHILDREN
WOULD BE NICE
AND JUST A HAPPY
HOME LIFE.
I'LL PROBABLY BE
A BAGEL VENDOR
OR SOMETHING.
I KNOW WHAT WILL
CHEER ME UP!
MEDITATION!
I'LL JUST GO MEDITATE
UNTIL THE SUN RISES.
OHM. OHM.
OHM.
OHM.
AW, MAN!
I CAN'T GET WOMEN.
I CAN'T GET LAUGHS.
I'M NOT EVEN
A GOOD WAITER.
THIS SUCKS.
I'M SO DEPRESSED.
I THINK I'M GOING
TO JUST ESCAPE REALITY
RIGHT NOW AND GO TO SLEEP.
[SNICKERING]
SCHECKY,
OR SHOULD I SAY, PORKY?
[RIM SHOT]
[LAUGHING]
AW, SCHECK, YOU GO AN APPLE IN YOUR MOUTH.
WHERE'S WILLIAM TELL
WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
YOUR SISTER, A PIG.
[LAUGHING]
YOU WEARING
A STRAIGHTJACKET? OH!
IN YOUR CASE
IT MIGHT BE A HOMOJACKET.
YOU'RE A LOSER, SCHECK
A LOSER.
[LAUGHING]
YOU'RE A LOSER.
[LAUGHS]
YOU'RE A LOSER, SCHECK.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, SCHECK,
HERE'S MY CLOSING BIT.
[GRUNTING AND MOANING]
AAH!
OH, BOY, THAT DREAM SUCKED.
I'M GOING
TO GO TO SLEEP AGAIN.
AND THIS TIME,
IT'S GOING TO BE BETTER.
OOH, OOH
EACH DAY
THROUGH MY WINDOW
I WATCH HER
AS SHE PASSES BY
I SAY TO MYSELF
YOU'RE SUCH
A LUCKY GUY
TO HAVE
A GIRL LIKE HER
IS TRULY
A DREAM COME TRUE
OUT OF ALL THE FELLAS
IN THE WORLD
SHE BELONGS TO ME
BUT IT WAS
JUST MY IMAGINATION
RUNNING AWAY WITH ME
IT WAS
JUST MY IMAGINATION
RUNNING AWAY WITH ME
OHH, OHH
SOON WE'LL BE MARRIED
AND RAISE
A FAMILY...
MOMMY!
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING, SCHECKY?
ARE YOU TRYING
TO KILL ME?
WHO ARE THESE GIRLS?
I KNEW YOU WERE SUICIDAL.
I KNEW IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE
FROM THIS, SCHECKY.
YOUR WEENY'S
GOING TO FALL OFF
JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER'S.
DO YOU HEAR ME, SCHECKY?
IT FELT SO GREAT.
HER BREASTS
WERE LIKE BASEBALLS.
THEY WERE HARD AND FIRM,
AND THEY STUCK OU LIKE TORPEDOES.
SCHECKY. SCHECKY. SCHECKY.
SCHECKY. SCHECKY!
SCHECKY! SCHECKY.
OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN HER.
MY GOD,
IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
I MEAN, SHE WAS
BEGGING FOR ME.
SHE LOVED ME.
TALK ABOUT LUCK.
I MEAN, MAN, OH, MAN,
OH, MAN, OH, MAN,
OH, MAN, OH, MAN.
DID I EVER TELL YOU
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
MY MOTHER?
NO.
YOU REALLY DO. WHOA!
WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S TIME FOR WORK.
HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU SLEPT IN YOUR UNIFORM.
OH, YEAH.
ANYWAY, SHE TOLD ME HER NAME
WAS DEBBI WITH AN "I",
AND SHE DID A SPREAD
FOR HUSTLERMAGAZINE.
OOH, DEBBI
WITH AN "I"?
UH, DID SHE DO,
LIKE,
A 7-PAGE SPREAD
WITH A PIG?
I SAW THAT.
WOW.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
YOU SEE,
THERE'S THIS GIRL
I MET, RIGHT?
AND ANYTHING THA GIRL TELLS ME, I DO.
FOR EXAMPLE,
I ASKED HER
ON A SCALE
OF 1 TO 10,
WHAT AM I?
AND SHE SAID,
"YOU'RE AN 8,"
SO I PEED
ON HER SHOES.
UR-IN-ATE.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
AVOID TELLING ACTUAL JOKES
AND JUST STICK TO IMPROVISING
AND TALKING WITH THE AUDIENCE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
YEAH?
A LOT FUNNIER THAN THA JERK THEY HIRED
AS THE SHIP'S COMEDIAN.
YOU ACTUALLY THOUGH THAT JOKE WAS FUNNY?
LET ME PUT I THIS WAY.
HE'S FUNNY.
THE OTHER GUY'S A HACK.
YEAH.
I AM FUNNY.
HE REALLY
IS A HACK,
ISN'T HE?
YEAH.
[ROCKYTHEME PLAYS]
I DON'T WAN ANY CHEAP SHOTS.
I DON'T WANT ANY HITTING
BELOW THE WAIST.
I DON'T WANT ANY FOOD
OR DRINK ON THE MAT.
THAT'S A NEW ONE.
AND MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.
LET'S GO.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
OK. ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO, BRILLO-HEAD.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU GOT MORE TEETH
THAN A FUCKING SAW.
[BOING]
LOOK AT YOUR MOUTH.
WHAT ARE DOING,
STUNT WORK
FOR MR. ED?
[BOING]
HEY, THOSE ARE NICE LEGS
YOU GOT THERE.
I SAW THEM
THE OTHER NIGHT.
I WAS IN
A JAPANESE RESTAURANT.
YEAH, I USED THEM
TO PICK UP MY SUSHI.
OH! UHH!
REF, COME ON.
THAT WAS BELOW
THE BELT.
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
AHH! OOH,
YOU'RE A WINNER, BABY.
YOU'RE ALWAYS THINKING,
AND I LIKE THAT.
WHAT, IS THAT BLACK HA ON THERE TO SHOW RESPEC TO YOUR DEAD BRAIN?
OH, JEEZ,
I LIKE THAT, SASQUATCH.
GOT ENOUGH HAIR
ON YOUR BACK?
YOU WANT ME
TO BRAID IT FOR YA?
OH, LOOK IT'S SPEEDO BANDITO
THERE. I LIKE THAT.
HUH, WHAT ARE SMUGGLING IN
A HALF A ROLL OF CERTS?
HA HA. OH,
BY THE WAY,
I DO WEDDINGS,
IN CASE YOUR PARENTS
DECIDE ON GETTING MARRIED.
WHAT'S THA AROUND YOUR NECK?
YOUR MOTHER'S LEASH?
Man:
YOU BUFFOON.
OOH, HOO
HOO HOO.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[CROWD CHEERS]
HEY! SCHECKY!
SNAP OUT OF IT.
YOU LOOKED LIKE
YOU WERE FANTASIZING
ABOUT KILLING DICKIE DIAMOND
OR SOMETHING.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
WE BETTER GO SERVE
THESE DRINKS, BOB.
OH, RIGHT.
Miss Australia:
POLITICS ARE, LIKE,
REALLY WEIRD.
I MEAN, THEY'RE, LIKE,
I NEVER THINK ABOUT THEM
UNLESS SOMEBODY SAYS,
"WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT POLITICS," YOU KNOW?
BUT I THINK WORLD LEADERS
ARE REAL IMPORTAN TO THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD.
WORLD PEACE
WOULD BE NICE,
BUT WOULD BE NICER,
WOULD BE...
EVERYONE WOULD GE WHATEVER THEY WISH FOR.
IN LIFE.
WE CAN
ALL WORK AS ONE,
THEN THAT'S WHEN
WORLD PEACE WILL COME AROUND.
OH, PANAMA.
OH, GENERAL NORIEGA.
I THINK HE
SHOULD BE KILLED
FOR KILLING PEOPLE
WHO VOTE AGAINST HIM.
WELL, I THINK HE SHOULD SEE
A DERMATOLOGIST, YOU KNOW?
I CAN TELL BY JUST LOOKING
AT GENERAL NORIEGA
THAT HE HAS A REALLY ICKY,
RANCID BREATH
THAT'S SO BAD THA WHEN HE'S TALKING TO YOU,
YOU HAVE TO HOLD
YOUR OWN BREATH
TO KEEP FROM GAGGING.
SEE, I HAVE THIS REALLY
STRONG SENSE OF SMELL.
HE HAS A--
PROBABLY, YOU KNOW,
DOESN'T USE ANY FORM
OF PERSONAL, YOU KNOW,
HYGIENIC PROTECTION,
YOU KNOW, DEODORANT.
I THINK HE PROBABLY--
HE HAS STINKY ARMPITS,
AS WELL. UM, PROBABLY...
YOU KNOW, IF YOU, LIKE,
PUT A PIZZA IN--
IF YOU DON'T EAT A PIZZA
AND YOU PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE
FOR, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
COUPLE OF DAYS,
WELL, MAYBE LIKE 10 DAYS,
AND YOU GOT IT OU AND YOU LEFT IT OU FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS
AND THEN YOU WENT BACK
AND WANTED TO TAKE A BITE?
AND IT'S THAT SMELL THA YOU GET JUST BEFORE YOU,
LIKE, PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.
I THINK IT'S PROBABLY A BI LIKE WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE.
I JUST WOULDN'T WAN TO SPEND ANY REAL TIME
WITH THE MAN.
IN FACT, I RATHER SPEND
A WHOLE DAY WITH TED BUNDY--
HUH! I SMELL?
BAD BREATH?
EH? WE SEE WHO GETS
THE LAST LAUGH HERE,
YOU LEFTOVER, WORTHLESS
KANGAROO VOMIT.
OHH!
SEE THAT WOMAN?
WHERE?
NO, IDIOT,
ON THE TV THERE.
THAT WOMAN
THERE?
THAT WOMAN
ON THE TV THERE?
THAT WOMAN ON THE TV.
I WANT HER KILLED.
HER NAME
IS MISS AUSTRALIA.
SHE SAID I SMELLED
LIKE PIZZA.
NO! LIKE
A PIZZA?
A PIZZA.
WHAT KIND
OF PIZZAS?
AN OLD PIZZA.
[SNIFFS]
UM, AN OLD,
UH, CHEESE PIZZA?
WITH, UH,
ANCHOVIES?
[GUNSHOT]
AND, UM, UH,
WHAT KIND OF CRUST?
I WANT HER KILLED.
WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?
UH, ROUND,
UH PIZZA?
IT DON'T MATTER.
KILL MISS AUSTRALIA.
YOU WANT US
TO KILL THE WOMAN
ON THE VIDEOSCREEN?
THAT WOMAN
ON THE VIDEOTAPE, YES.
UM, YOU WANT US
TO KILL THAT GIRL THERE
IN THE VIDEOTAPE
THAT YOU RENTED?
WE GOING TO KILL HER?
THAT GIRL
IN THERE NOW
IN THE TAPE THA YOU RENTED KILLED.
SI.
WHERE IS SHE?
SHE'S
IN THE STORE
WITH
THE VIDEOTAPES?
YOU, YOU LISTEN
TO ME, HUH?
HUH? I SAY LICK TOILET,
YOU LICK TOILET.
I SAY PICK THE NOSE,
YOU PICK THE NOSE.
I SAY KILL
VIDEOTAPE GIRL,
YOU KILL VIDEOTAPE GIRL.
HUH?
OH, YES, SIR!
SHE'S DEAD.
WE, WE KILL
MISS AUSTRALIA.
WE GOING, UM, UM,
WE GOING TO KILL
CROCODILE DUNDEE.
SHE'S DEAD.
DOG MEA DEAD, SIR.
SHE IS, UM,
A DEADER THAN A KOALA
ON THE FREEWAY WAY, SIR.
SHE'S DEADER
THAN
SHRIMPS
ON THE BARBIE.
DEAD AS
A KOALA BEAR.
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
YOU 2 COMEDIANS?
[MUMBLING]
GO! GO! GO KILL
MISS AUSTRALIA.
GET OUT!
HE GOES
INTO THE ROOM
EVERYBODY
RUNS AND HIDES
HE NEVER BE A GROOM
HE NEVER CATCH
A BRIDE
IT'S A SAD,
SAD WORLD
WHEN YOUR HEAD
LOOKS LIKE A PIZZA
BUT IT'S SADDER,
SADDER STILL
WHEN NO GIRL
WANTS TO MEET YA
Miss Australia: WELL,
I'LL BET HIS BEST FRIENDS
DON'T EVEN WAN TO TALK TO HIM.
YOU KNOW,
I--I THINK HE STINKS.
WHOA! WHOA!
HEY! HEY!
NOW, SCHECKY, FIGHTING
ISN'T GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING.
SHUT UP, BOB.
[GRUMBLING]
SON OF A BITCHIN' BOAT'S
ROCKING MY GODDAMN HEAD OFF
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
[FOGHORN]
OW! OH!
OH! FUCKING--
[FOGHORN]
OH, FUCK YOU.
FUCKING BULLHORN OUT OF
NOWHERE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
FUCK, BULLSHIT,
BULL--OH--HORN. SHIT.
FUCKING PLAYING--
FEEL LIKE I'M DOING
THE POLKA, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
JUST--OH, OH.
CHRIST, MORE STAIRS
THAN FUCKING NOTRE DAME.
JESUS CHRIST.
HI, DICKIE.
I JUST HAD THE
GREATEST INTERVIEW.
I SPOKE ALL ABOU MY POLITICAL BELIEFS
AND I SAID
WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO
ABOU GENERAL NORIEGA.
OH, THAT'S
FUCKING GREAT, ELLEN.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
LISTEN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUS DO ME A FAVOR, OK?
TAKE OFF FOR A WHILE.
I NEED SOME SPACE. OK, HONEY?
SURE, NO PROBLEM.
I'M GOING
TO GO AND GE A PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
[STOMACH ROILS]
FUCKING PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
SHE KNOWS FUCKING
DICKIE DIAMOND HATES
PASTRAMI SANDWICHES.
OH, SHIT. OCEAN.
UHH! FUCK!
OH, SHIT!
FUCK YOU!
FUCK. FUCK. UHH!
FUCK THAT. YOU GOT--
I'M WALKING AWAY FROM THIS.
I'M FUCKING
WALKING AWAY FROM THIS.
YOU GOT NOTHING. HAH!
[STOMACH ROILS]
FUCK!
FUCK THAT.
SON OF A BITCH.
MY BEST HAT!
OHH! OHH!
FUCKING STAIRS. GREAT!
MORE FUCKING STAIRS.
FUCK.
OH! PORCELAIN GODDESS.
UHH! HERE I COME.
AAH!
DICKIE!
AAH! OH, MY GOD!
DICKIE!
HELP!
MAN OVERBOARD!
MY GOD!
MAN OVERBOARD!
HELP! DICKIE!
DICKIE DIAMOND
DOESN'T THROW UP.
MY AGENT'S
FUCKING FIRED.
HE'S OUT.
HEY.
HEY! OPEN
THE FUCKING DOOR!
AW, SHIT!
AW, FUCK!
HEY! HEY!
AW, COME ON,
SOMEBODY OPEN--
WHERE'S A FUCKING MAID
WHEN YOU NEED ONE?
OPEN THE FU--
AW, FUCK.
FUCK. OH, SHIT.
RICHARD "DICKIE"
SCOTT BRIAN DAVID
DIAMOND STEINWITZ.
HE WAS SUCH A FUNNY MAN.
A MAN WHO MADE US LAUGH.
A MAN WHO BRIGHTENED
OUR HEARTS
AND OPENED UP
OUR EVERY DAY
WITH ENDLESS
POSSIBILITIES
OF LAUGHTER.
THE GUY TALKED ABOU BANGING HIS GRANDMOTHER.
WHAT IS THIS?
LET'S US PRAY.
LET US LOOK
AT OUR BOOKS...
PSALM29, JACKSON 5.
RED SOX 4, YANKEES 3
IN THE BOTTOM
OF THE EIGHTH.
GOD! IS THA A PORPOISE OUT THERE?
[SPEAKING HEBREW]
ASHES TO ASHES,
DUST TO DUST.
LET US PRAY THA RICHARD "DICKIE" SCOT DIAMOND STEINWITZMAN
IS IN HEAVEN
ENTERTAINING
THE ANGELS
IN THAT GREAT MICROPHONE
OF THE SKY.
WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
WHO'S GOING TO
MAKE US LAUGH
THE REST OF
THE CRUISE?
I MEAN,
WHO'S GOING TO
BRIGHTEN
OUR DAYS
AND OPEN
OUR HEARTS NOW?
WHO?
WHOA, MAN! THIS IS
MY BIG CHANCE HERE.
IF I VOLUNTEER,
I'M GOING TO BE
THE SHIP'S COMEDIAN.
AW, THAT'D BE GREAT.
BUT IF I DON'T,
I'M JUST GOING TO BE
SCHECKY
THE SCHMUCK WAITER
THE REST OF MY LIFE,
AND I'LL NEVER TOUCH
A WOMAN AGAIN
AND I JUST--I GO TO TOUCH A WOMAN.
I JUST WANT TO GRAB HER.
I JUST WANT TO--
OH, GOD THA WOULD BE GOOD.
BUT I--BUT I CAN' DO IT.
I JUST CAN'T DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M TOO CRAZY.
I'M NERVOUS.
I BET--I MEAN,
I'M PROBABLY THE ONE
WHO KILLED
DICKIE DIAMOND.
I WAS SO JEALOUS
OF THAT GUY.
I JUST--I'M NO GOING TO DO IT.
I WON'T DO IT.
THERE'S NO--
I CAN'T DO IT.
THERE'S NO WAY
I'M GOING TO--
HOLY COW!
WHO ARE YOU?
SCHECKY!
I AM KING NEPTUNE,
GOD OF THE SEA.
I COULDN'T HELP
OVERHEARING
WHAT YOU
WERE THINKING.
NOT THAT I EAVESDROP
OR ANYTHING,
BUT I COULDN'T HELP
HEARING YOU WERE,
UH, WELL, THAT YOU
WANTED TO BE
THE SHIP COMEDIAN.
HA HA. BUT YOU
HAVE DOUBTS, MY SON.
DOUBTS THAT YOU
SHOULDN'T HAVE.
WAIT. AM I HALLUCINATING HERE?
ARE YOU FOR REAL OR WHAT?
SURE AS THA BIG NOSE
ON THE END
OF YOUR FACE.
AHH, JEEZ.
AN ANTI-SEMITIC FISH.
YOU'RE DEFINITELY NO A GIFLTE FISH, I GUESS?
LISTEN!
YOU GOT TO HAVE
A SENSE OF HUMOR
TO BE KING
OF THAT CESSPOOL,
SONNY.
SUTOILET IS MI
CASA, COMPRENDE?
DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE UNWORLDLY
AND YOU LACK
CONFIDENCE, TO BOOT.
SHEESH,
IT'S A GOOD THING
I FELT IT MY DUTY
TO TELL YOU
TO GO FOR IT!
TAKE THE JOB
AS SHIP COMEDIAN.
THESE PEOPLE
NEED YOU.
WELL, HEY, HEY!
THEY NEED ME?
[FALSETTO]
THEY NEED ME?
YES, THEY NEED YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU
FISHING FOR
COMPLIMENTS HERE?
EVERYONE
NEEDS TO LAUGH.
MAY THE GODS BE
MY WITNESSES
I'VE BEEN
AT THE BRUN OF A FEW
TOO MANY JOKES
AT THE OFFICE
WATER COOLER,
LET ME TELL YOU!
MISMANAGEMEN THEY SAID! MY TAIL!
I'LL PUT A HEX
ON EXXON! [SINGS]
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS
THE PRINCE OF--
OK, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
I MEAN, IS THIS GOING TO BE
A BIG LONG STORY HERE?
WE DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THAT.
YOU KNOW,
I GOT A RESPONSIBILITY.
THERE'S A MOVIE HERE,
AND, YOU KNOW,
THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.
SO YOU UNDERSTAND,
YEAH?
YOU GO A TIME THING?
TIME ISSUE?
WE DON'T HAVE TIME.
WELL,
I JUST THOUGH I'D GIVE YOU
A LITTLE CONFIDENCE.
YOU JUST GO AHEAD,
MR. SAILORPANTS.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST FINISH?
OH, MAN.
NO, REALLY,
KING NEPTUNE, THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
BUT REMEMBER...
THE POWER
OF LAUGHTER!
I'LL DO IT!
I'LL DO IT!
I'LL BE SHIP COMEDIAN.
YA--HOOO!
YEAH!
[SINGING IN SPANISH]
QUIT BANGING!
I'M NOT BANGING.
I'M DRUMMING.
IT'S GOOD FOR ME.
QUIT DRUMMING!
OK.
UM...
KNOCK, KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE?
UM, THE BIG STINKY MAN.
THE BIG STINKY MAN
WHO?
THE BIG STINKY MAN
IS YOU!
SHUT UP, ACHMED,
YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.
I AM FUNNY.
I'M VERY FUNNY.
ACHMED IS FUNNY!
OH, MAN, WHAT HAPPENS
IF I GO UP THERE
AND I DIE
A MISERABLE DEATH?
THEY'RE NO GONNA LIKE ME.
I'M GONNA
BLANK UP THERE.
SOMEONE'S GONNA
THROW FOOD AT ME.
I'LL BE HIT IN THE HEAD
WITH A MEATLOAF.
SCHECKY.
I'LL GE THROWN OVERBOARD.
THE SHARK'S GONNA
RIP MY LEGS OFF.
SCHECKY!
NOW, NO ONE'S
GONNA HATE YOU
AS LONG AS YOU
ACT NATURAL,
BUT I THINK IF WE SANG
A LITTLE SONG RIGHT NOW,
YOU'D FEEL
A LITTLE BETTER.
ALL RIGHT.
OK.
COMEDY,
SUCH A LOVELY LADY
LADY
SHE'LL PICK YOU UP
PICK YOU UP
WHEN YOU'RE FEELIN' BLUE
FEELIN' BLUE
SHE'LL RUN HER FINGERS
THROUGH YOUR HAIR
YOUR HAIR
AND MAKE YOU FEEL
THAT SOMEONE CARES
SOMEONE CARES
ABOUT YOU
ABOUT YOU,
ABOUT YOU
SKID SKID-A-LEE DOO
SKID-A-LEE DOODLE-LEE
DOODLE-LEE DOO
NOW, DON'T YOU
FEEL BETTER?
I DO. I DO.
OK. NOW, YOU DON' HAVE TO TRY TO BE FUNNY.
JUST BE YOURSELF.
YOU DON' HAVE TO TELL JOKES.
HEY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL JUST TALK TO 'EM.
I'LL JUS ASK 'EM QUESTIONS
ABOUT THEMSELVES,
AND THAT'S IT.
RIGHT.
NOW, THAT'S GOOD.
NOW, FIX YOUR HAIR,
WIPE YOUR EYEBROWS--
OH. GOT IT.
WIPE YOUR NOSE,
SMELL YOUR BREATH,
CHECK YOUR ARMPITS,
TIE YOUR SHOES--
I GOT DAT.
AND SIT UP STRAIGHT.
AHH!
EH!
HOLY SHIT.
LOOK AT ME.
I LOOK LIKE
A FUCKIN' ZOMBIE.
YOU FUCKIN' SICKO.
HOLY SHIT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S IT.
I'M FUCKIN'
DYIN' IN HERE.
I'M GONNA
FUCKIN' SHRIVEL UP
LIKE A FUCKIN'
PIECE OF BACON.
OH, BOY. I AM VERY
NERVOUS RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING
THING TO DO--
TAKE OVER FOR
A DEAD COMEDIAN
THAT EVERYBODY
LOVED SO MUCH.
ALL RIGHT. HERE IT GOES.
HERE WE GO.
I'M GONNA DO IT RIGHT NOW.
HEY, EVERYBODY.
HOW ARE YOU DOIN' TONIGHT?
[CROWD GROANS
AND MICROPHONE SCREECHES]
OH, I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.
THAT'S GOOD.
UH, YOU, SIR. HI.
HI. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
DAVE.
DAVE. WE GOT DAVE HERE.
DAVE. HEY, DAVE.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
I'M A CONSTRUCTION
WORKER.
DAVE'S A CONSTRUCTION
WORKER, EVERYBODY.
SEE THAT? SO, DAVE,
WHAT DO YOU CONSTRUCT?
I CONSTRUC BUILDINGS.
WHAT THE FUCK ELSE
WOULD I CONSTRUCT?
OH. OH. THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, SO, DAVE, DO YOU
THINK THAT CONSTRUCTING
IS AN EASY JOB, OR DO
YOU THINK IT'S A HARD JOB?
[WHISPERS]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LISTEN, BUTTHOLE.
WHY DON'T YOU QUI TRYIN' TO BE FUNNY,
BECAUSE
ALL YOU'RE DOIN'
IS PISSIN' ME OFF.
OH. UM, HEY.
THAT KIND OF SOUNDED
LIKE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
RIGHT THERE. HA HA!
Woman: YOU SUCK!
BUT SHE'S A LITTLE BI BIGGER THAN DAVE. HA HA!
Man: GET OFF, BIG NOSE.
ALL I'M SAYING IS,
I'M NOT VERY GOOD
WITH RELATIONSHIPS.
Woman: BORING.
THAT'S ALL I WAS TRYING
TO SAY RIGHT THERE. HA HA!
UM, HI. HOW ARE YOU DOING
THERE? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
I HATE YOU!
OH, THIS ISN'T GOIN'
TOO WELL, IS IT?
WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUS START OVER RIGHT NOW?
Man: GET OFF.
JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE.
I'M PRETTY FUNNY.
OK, LOOK.
HERE'S A GOOD JOKE.
UM, ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S A PROCTOLOGIST,
RIGHT? AND HE'S--
WE WANT DICKIE.
WE WANT DICKIE.
WE WANT DICKIE.
WE WANT DICKIE.
WE WANT DICKIE.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I MEAN, THE GUY IS DEAD.
YOU WANT TO HEAR
A CORPSE OR SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
A CORPSE
WOULD BE FUNNIER
THAN YOU ARE.
I WANT TO HEAR
CROAKER SING.
[CROWD CHEERING]
NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
HEY. ALL RIGHT.
LET'S ROCK!
[SCREAMING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
WELL, I'M ON THE PROWL
OUT THE CAT DOOR
'CAUSE I'M IN LOVE
WITH A LITTLE GIRL, BOY
HEAR HER HOWL,
LOVELY WOMAN
SERVING ME
SOME HOT, HOT TUNA
YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA UPSIDE HIS HEAD
YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH
MEOW
WELL, I CLIMB THE WALLS
OVER TAIL SO FINE
MY FURRY PAWS
WANT YOUR BEHIND
ALL COME FOR LOVE
TO ME
I'M SO WILD
AND SO IN HEAT
YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA UPSIDE THE HEAD
GONNA SLAP YOUR CA RIGHT NOW
GONNA SLAP YOUR CA UPSIDE HIS HEAD, YEAH
I'M GONNA
SLAP YOUR CAT, BABY
YEAH, YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH
GIVE ME THAT JACKET.
GIVE IT HERE.
GIVE IT UP.
I FAILED, MAN.
I FAILED.
KING NEPTUNE WAS WRONG.
NOBODY NEEDS ME.
KING NEPTUNE?
YEAH, KING NEPTUNE.
HE'S GOD OF THE SEA?
OH, THERE HE IS,
RIGHT OVER THERE.
Bob: OH.
SCHECKY, UH, CAN I
BE HONEST WITH YOU?
YEAH, BOB. YOU CAN
BE HONEST WITH ME.
COME ON.
LET'S TAKE A WALK.
SCHECKY,
I HATE COMEDIANS.
NOT ALL COMEDIANS,
THOUGH.
JUST 99% OF THEM.
SEE, TO ME,
STAND-UP COMEDY
IS SUCH A SAD THING.
I MEAN,
IT'S SO PATHETIC.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY THE
MOST DEGRADING THING
A HUMAN BEING CAN
PUT HIMSELF THROUGH,
STANDING UP
ON STAGE, ALONE,
TALKING
ABOUT HOW FA OR HOW BALD
OR HOW UGLY YOU ARE.
I MEAN,
SPILLING YOUR GUTS
ABOU YOUR FAMILY HISTORY
AND YOUR
ALCOHOLIC FATHER,
BLATANTLY BEGGING
THE AUDIENCE
TO LOVE YOU,
TO ACCEPT YOU,
AND GIVE YOU
THE LOVE
THAT YOU NEVER HAD
AS A CHILD.
IT'S PATHETIC,
SCHECKY.
IT'S AN EMPTY,
LOVELESS--
BOB. BOB, WHA ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?
LET ME
PUT IT THIS WAY.
COMEDY IS LIKE
THIS LIFE PRESERVER.
AHH! COMEDY IS ROUND
WITH ROPES HANGING
OFF OF IT. ALL RIGHT.
SEE, SCHECKY,
THAT WASN'T FUNNY.
I KNOW YOU
PROBABLY SAID THA TO MAKE ME LAUGH AND
TO LIKE YOU MORE,
BUT YOU DIDN' HAVE TO, SEE?
I LIKE YOU
ENOUGH ALREADY.
BOB, STOP,
ALL RIGHT? STOP.
I'M GONNA
HAVE TO ASK YOU
TO STOP BEING
A PSYCHOANALYS AND JUST--
YOU'RE TOO STUPID
TO TELL ME ANYTHING,
ALL RIGHT?
I LIKE COMEDY.
I LIKE BEING FUNNY.
THAT'S IT.
ALL RIGHT?
OK. OK.
THEN MAYBE
YOU SHOULD TRY
TELLING SOME JOKES
THIS TIME
INSTEAD OF JUS BEING YOURSELF.
I MEAN, MAYBE
THAT WOULD WORK.
THAT IS A GREA IDEA, BOB. JOKES.
YOU HIT I RIGHT ON THE HEAD,
BUT FIRST,
LET'S SEE A MONTAGE
OF SOME BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO
OOH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO
I MET A GENTLE WOMAN
SHE TOOK MY HEART AWAY
SHE SAID I HAD I COMIN' TO ME
THAT I WANTED I THAT WAY
I THINK ANY LOVIN'
IS GOOD LOVIN'
SO I TOOK WHA I COULD GET
YEAH, I TOOK
WHAT I COULD GET
OOH, SHE LOOKED AT ME
WITH THOSE BIG BROWN EYES
AND SAID,
YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET
B-B-BABY, YOU AIN' SEEN NOTHIN' YET
HERE'S SOMETHIN'
HERE'S SOMETHIN'
YOU'LL NEVER FORGET
BABY, YOU AIN' SEEN NOTHIN' YET
YOU AIN'T BEEN
AROUND NOW, HONEY
THE MEAT,
IT'S GOOD.
AND MORE.
I MEAN, IT'S...
IT'S A LOT.
PERFECT.
YOUR WIFE, SHE
MAKE THAT FOR YOU?
YES.
NICE WIFE.
UH-HUH.
I DON'T HAVE WIFE.
YOUR SALAMI,
IT'S VERY BIG.
BIG ENOUGH
FOR 2 PEOPLES.
BIG ENOUGH
FOR 3 PEOPLES.
THERE'S ENOUGH THERE FOR
WHOLE FAMILY OF PEOPLES
HAVEN'T EATEN
FOR WHOLE WEEKS.
CUT ME A LITTLE SLICE.
NO.
GIVE ME A LITTLE?
NO.
GIVE ME A LITTLE
HUNK!
NO.
WHY NOT?
GIVE ME A LITTLE.
NO.
GIVE ME A LITTLE
HUNK!
NO, NO.
SON OF A BITCH.
GIVE ME YOUR SALAMI.
[ARGUING]
IS THIS THE WAY
GENERALS WEAR THEM?
YES. SI.
HA HA! THIS ONE
GOES UP, OVER,
AND THIS ONE
GOES UNDER?
SI.ONE MOVES UP,
ONE--HEH HEH!
YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER
SAYS ABOUT YOU?
HEH HEH!
HA HA!
SHE SAYS YOU'RE
AN UNTRAINED ANIMAL.
HA HA!
HEH HEH!
BUT YOU SHOULD HEAR
WHAT MY FATHER SAYS.
NO, I--I CAN'T.
NO, NO, NO.
GO TO THE SHIP.
HEH HEH!
HA HA!
WHAT IS IT, ROBINSON CRUSOE?
WHAT DOES
YOUR FATHER SAY?
OH, NO, NO.
MY FATHER DOESN'T--NO.
I PROMISED HIM,
PINKY SWEAR.
HE SAID
I COULDN'T TELL.
WELL, DOES HE
LIKE ME, OR NO?
UH, HE SAYS
HE HAS TO LIKE YOU.
HA HA!
HA HA!
I DON'T THINK
HE VOTED FOR YOU, THOUGH.
OH, WELL, WE'LL...
WE FORGIVE THAT.
HEH HEH!
HA HA!
I'LL TELL
MY FATHER THAT.
THAT YOU'LL
LET HIM OUT OF JAIL.
HA HA!
HEH HEH!
NOT YET.
YES, I WILL.
COUPLE YEARS.
HA HA!
HA HA!
A COUPLE YEARS?
WELL,
HE'S NOT THAT OLD.
HOO HOO!
HA HA!
OH, YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
YOU ARE REALLY BAD.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
HE'S A GOOD MAN.
IN A COUPLE YEARS,
HE'LL--
COUPLE YEARS?
WELL, YES.
HE FIND PHILOSOPHY.
FOR WHAT?
HE FIND PHILOSOPHY
IN THE CAN.
HA HA!
IS THA WHERE YOU FIND IT?
SURE. IN THE CAN.
YOU WEAR
THESE FUCKIN' THINGS?
LOOK AT YOU.
NICE FUCKIN'
PATENT LEATHER FUCKER.
RIDICULOUS FUCKIN' SHOES
YOU'RE WEARING.
YOU WEARING THESE?
NOTHIN' GOOD FOR THAT.
THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOOD FOR
BANGIN' ON THE FUCKIN' DOOR.
HELLO.
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE
IT IS, MAYBE NOT.
I DON'T THINK
IT'S GROUNDS
FOR LEGAL ACTION,
CROAKIE.
THAT'S
ALL I'M SAYIN'.
I DON'T THINK IT IS.
I DON'T CARE
WHAT IT COSTS, MAN.
I WANT THAT GUY SUED,
ALL RIGHT?
I'M SINGIN' MY SONG,
AND I MADE IT VERY
CLEAR TO THAT GUY
I WANTED TO BE SHO FROM A HIGHER ANGLE.
HE SHOOTS ME
FROM STRAIGHT ON,
IT MAKES MY NOSE
LOOK ABSOLUTELY HUGE.
MY FANS ARE NO GONNA ACCEPT--
Dickie: HEY. HEY.
HEY, LET ME OUT.
IT'S DICKIE DIAMOND.
I'M IN
THE FUCKIN' BATHROOM.
WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THAT THAT--
OOH,
THAT'S THAT GUY.
THAT'S THE DEAD GUY,
THE COMEDIAN.
WHOA, MAN,
THIS IS WEIRD,
BECAUSE IF HE'S DEAD--
IF HE'S DEAD, HOW
COULD HE BE SCREAMIN'?
I DON'T KNOW,
CROAKIE.
MAYBE IT'S HIS--
MAYBE
IT'S HIS GHOST.
Dickie: LET ME OUT.
WAIT A MINUTE, MAN.
YOU'RE SCARIN' ME.
YEAH.
DON'T SCARE ME
LIKE THAT, MAN.
I CAN'T TAKE
THIS GHOST STUFF.
HOW DO I
GET OFF THIS BOAT?
[DICKIE POUNDS]
LET ME OUT, YOU FUCKS.
THIS SHIP
IS HAUNTED, MAN.
GET ME OFF THIS SHIP.
THIS SHIP IS HAUNTED.
I GOTTA GE OFF THIS SHIP, MAN.
CROAKIE,
LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN.
LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO ME,
CROAKIE.
LET ME OUT, YOU LITTLE FUCK.
Croaker: HELP ME.
HELP ME GET OFF THIS BOAT.
HELP ME. I GOTTA
GET OUT OF HERE NOW.
NO. NO.
I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
[VOICES FADE]
NO. MOTHERFUCKERS.
THESE FUCKIN' FAG SOCKS
YOU'VE BEEN WEARIN'.
LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
OH, FUCK.
[SNIFFS] SHIT.
THAT'S TWICE AS BAD.
MAYBE I CAN
GO OUT THROUGH THERE.
FUCK, IT'S A TOILET.
FLUSH MYSELF OUT.
COME ON, SOMEBODY. PLEASE?
AHA!
YOU CHEATED.
THAT'S NOT CHEATING.
THAT'S CHEATIN'.
NN-NN.
ARE YOU GONNA WEAR THA FOR YOUR COMEDY ACT?
OH, I WAS THINKIN'
OF IT. YEAH.
NO. NO.
I THINK YOU SHOULD
WEAR YOUR PINK SHIRT.
OH. OH. WELL, IF I'M
GONNA CHANGE SHIRTS,
I'LL PROBABLY JUS WEAR MY GREEN SHIRT.
NO, NO, NO. THE PINK
SHIRT SHOWS OFF YOUR TAN.
OH.
IT'S A NICE SHIRT.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,
BUT I LIKE GREEN.
THE GREEN SHIR WOULD BE BETTER.
THE PINK IS MUCH
BETTER, MUCH BETTER.
NO, I'M GONNA--
SEE, GREEN--LUCK
IS GREEN.
NO, NO, NO.
PINK. PINK.
I LIKE GREEN.
PINK.
GREEN IS GOOD.
PINK. PINK.
GREEN. GREEN
IS WHAT I--
PINK.
GREEN.
GREEN. GREEN.
PINK. PINK.
PINK.
GREEN.
WHY DON'T YOU
WEAR 'EM BOTH?
YEAH.
I COULD DO THAT.
OK.
YEAH.
WHERE ARE WE?
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE OCEAN.
I KNOW WE'RE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN,
YOU IDIOT.
WHERE IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE OCEAN?
WHO DO I LOOK LIKE
TO YOU, A COMPASS?
YOU A NAVIGATOR,
STUPID.
YOU ARE NAVIGATOR,
STUPID.
DUMB STUPID.
WHO IS
HOLDING THE MAP?
WHO IS HOLDING
MAP?
OH. I AM.
SO YOU
ARE NAVIGATOR.
OK. GIVE IT TO ME.
OH, NO.
GIVE IT TO ME.
I AM NAVIGATOR.
GIVE IT TO ME.
I AM NAVIGATOR.
GIVE IT TO ME.
LOOK WHA YOU ARE DOING.
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT THAT.
HUH?
OH!
UH!
UH!
OH!
OH!
OH!
MY MAP.
MY MAP.
I WAN MY MAP.
I WANT TO JUS TELL YOU THANK YOU
FOR GIVING ME
ANOTHER CHANCE UP HERE.
YOU'RE REALLY NICE TO ME.
I APPRECIATE IT,
AND I SWEAR THIS TIME,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BE DISAPPOINTED,
BECAUSE, WELL, I'VE
BEEN WORKIN' ON AN ACT.
Man: WHO CARES?
YEAH. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I FIGURED
I'D BEGIN OFF--
I'LL TELL YOU WHA HAPPENED TO ME INSIDE.
THERE WAS AN OLD LADY
IN THERE, RIGHT,
AND THESE 4 GUYS WERE, LIKE,
REALLY MESSIN' WITH HER
AND GIVIN' HER TROUBLE,
THESE REALLY--HOODLUMS,
BAD-LOOKIN' CHARACTERS,
AND ONE OF 'EM
STOLE HER PURSE,
AND ANOTHER ONE--
I WAS WATCHIN'
THIS THE WHOLE TIME--
GRABBED HER BY THE RING
AND WAS TRYIN' TO YANK
HER WEDDING RING OFF.
IT WAS VERY EXPENSIVE,
I GUESS,
'CAUSE SHE WAS
FIGHTING AND FIGHTING.
SHE WAS SCREAMING,
"HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME."
FINALLY, I COULDN' TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I RAN OVER TO THE GUY.
I SAID, "HEY, BUDDY,
"WHY DON'T YOU PU SOME BUTTER ON HER FINGER
AND THE RING
WILL SLIDE RIGHT OFF."
Woman: YOU SUCK, LOSER.
EKEBEM?
WHAT?
DO YOU LIKE ME?
NO.
NOT AT ALL?
NOT AT ALL.
I LIKE YOU.
SO?
SO, YOU SHOULD
LIKE ME, TOO,
YOU KNOW?
IT'S A BOAT.
IT'S A BOAT.
THE BOAT.
THE BOAT.
THE BOAT.
THE BOAT.
IT'S A BOAT.
MISS AUSTRALIA,
YOU ARE DEAD!
IT'S A BOAT.
YOU ARE DEAD,
MISS AUSTRALIA!
WELL, DON'T THINK
I'M A BAD GUY,
'CAUSE I'M NOT A BAD GUY.
I'M PRETTY COOL.
I MEAN, I HAVE A CONSCIENCE,
THAT'S WHA I'M TRYIN' TO SAY.
LIKE, WHEN I WAS A KID,
I USED TO STEAL
ALKA-SELTZER ALL THE TIME,
AND I'D FEED THE SEAGULLS,
AND THEY'D BLOW UP.
First woman: PU!
Second woman:
WE LIKE 'EM BIG, BOY.
BOO!
BOO!
Man: HEY, IDIOT.
I DON'T GET IT.
I THINK THIS IS FUNNY.
IS IT ME? DO I HAVE NO IDEA
OF WHAT MAKES PEOPLE LAUGH?
DO I KNOW NOTHING ABOU THE ART OF COMEDY?
HMM.
I WONDER WHA MILTON BERLE WOULD DO
IF HE WAS IN THAT SPOT.
Milton Berle: HEY,
KID, YOU GOT A LIGHT?
THAT--THAT SOUNDED
LIKE MILTON BERLE.
ARE YOU MILTON BERLE?
IF IT'S NOT, I HAD
A LOT OF FUN WITH HIS WIFE.
WERE YOU JUS TALKING TO YOURSELF?
DID I HEAR YOU SAY
YOU WERE A STAND-UP COMIC?
YES, SIR.
HEY, PRETTY GOOD LOOKIN'
FOR ONE OF THEM,
AND I LOVE THAT SHIR YOU'RE WEARIN'.
YOU NEVER THROW
ANYTHING AWAY, DO YOU?
I'M KIDDIN'.
SIT DOWN.
HAVE A SEAT.
RIGHT HERE
AT YOUR TABLE?
NO, IN THE KITCHEN.
THANK YOU, MR. BERLE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
WITH A NAME LIKE THAT,
YOU SHOULD GE A LAUGH RIGHT AWAY.
SO, KID, IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
YOU'RE THINKIN'
ABOUT SOMETHING.
TELL ME,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WELL, MILTON--
OH, I'M SORRY--
MR. BERLE,
I NEED YOUR ADVICE
ON GETTING LAUGHS.
I WAS ON THIS SHIP,
AND I DID MY ACT,
AND NOBODY LAUGHED,
AND I COULDN' UNDERSTAND WHY.
TELL ME ONE OF THE JOKES
THAT YOU DID ON THE SHIP.
OH, ALL RIGHT. OK.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE ARE THESE TWO
HOODLUMS, RIGHT,
AND THEY SEE
THIS OLD LADY,
AND THIS LADY'S GO THIS BIG RING ON,
SO THEY RUN OVER
AND THEY STAR YANKING ON HER RING,
AND THEY'RE PULLIN'
ON THE RING,
AND THIS LADY'S
LOOKIN' AT ME,
GOIN', "HELP ME,
HELP ME, HELP ME,"
AND, YOU KNOW, I HAD
TO DO SOMETHIN',
SO I RUN OVER TO
THE HOODLUMS, RIGHT?
HOLD IT.
HOODLUMS?
IS THIS
THE BUTTER JOKE?
YEAH.
THAT'S THE JOKE.
NO WONDER
THEY DIDN'T LAUGH.
WERE THERE ANY HOODLUMS
OR GANGSTERS IN THE AUDIENCE
WHEN YOU TOLD THAT JOKE?
UH, NO. I TOLD I TO A BUNCH
OF BEAUTY QUEENS.
BEAUTY QUEENS?
OH, NO.
AND THEN I
TOLD THEM THE ONE
ABOUT BLOWING UP
THE SEAGULLS.
BLOWING UP SEAGULLS.
KID, YOU'RE USING
THE WRONG TECHNIQUE.
YOUNG MAN,
COME OVER HERE JUST--
HAVE YOU GO A PENCIL ON YOU?
YES, SIR.
WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
YOU GOT A PAD?
SURE.
THAT'S IT.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW YOU'RE WORKIN'.
SCHECKY...
ALL RIGHT.
DON'T MAKE A WHOLE
FEDERAL CASE OUT OF IT.
WHAT I'D LIKE YOU
TO DO NOW,
WRITE THESE GAGS DOWN,
SCHECKY.
I THINK ALL THOSE
BEAUTIFUL QUEENS
WILL IDENTIFY WITH THEM.
LAST WEEK,
I DATED A GIRL
THAT HAD EVERYTHING
A MAN WOULD WANT--
MUSTACHE,
HAIR UNDER THE ARMS,
BUSHY EYEBROWS.
YOU TALK ABOU THE SAME GIRL.
YOU SAY,
WHAT A NOSE.
SHE HAD TO LIFT I TO EAT.
AND FOLLOW
THAT UP WITH,
ONE GOOD LIPSTICK
BROUGHT OUT HER LIPS,
AND ONE GOOD SNEEZE
BROUGHT OUT HER TEETH.
THIS GIRL HAD VERY
AFFECTIONATE EYES.
THEY ALWAYS KEP LOOKIN' AT EACH OTHER.
THIS SHOULD BE A BOFFO.
AND WHEN SHE
OPENED ONE EYE,
ALL SHE COULD SEE
WAS THE OTHER ONE.
AND HER BOOBS
WERE VERY SMALL...
SO SMALL, SHE HAD TO CARRY
HER NIPPLES IN HER POCKET.
NOW, YOU TRY
THOSE JOKES, SCHECKY.
THEY'LL ALL WORK.
THEY ALWAYS DID.
WELL, SO LONG, KID.
LOTS OF GOOD LUCK.
THANK YOU,
MR. BERLE.
OH, UH,
ONE MORE THING.
SCHECKY, ALWAYS REMEMBER
THAT YOU'RE A COMIC,
THAT YOU POSSESS
THE STRONGEST WEAPON
FOR BRINGING
PEOPLE TOGETHER
AND MAKING THEM
FEEL HAPPY.
THERE'S NOTHING MORE
IMPORTANT IN THE WORLD
THAN THE POWER
OF LAUGHTER.
REMEMBER THAT.
BYE-BYE.
WHOA.
THE POWER OF LAUGHTER.
KING NEPTUNE WAS TALKIN'
ABOUT THE POWER OF LAUGHTER.
MAYBE THIS PHRASE
IS GONNA, LIKE,
TIE THE WHOLE STORY
TOGETHER
IN SOME CLEVER WAY
OR SOMETHING.
HMM.
UH, WHERE AM I GOIN'?
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW.
I'M WALKIN' AROUND LIKE
I KNOW WHERE I'M GOIN'.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT--
LET'S SEE.
HOW DO I GE BACK TO THE SHIP?
MAYBE I SHOULD USE SOME,
LIKE, MAGICAL COMEDY PHRASE.
I'LL TRY THAT. UM, OK.
WHY'D THE CHICKEN
CROSS THE ROAD?
NOTHIN'. NAH. NO GOOD.
UM, WHY DO FIREMEN
WEAR RED SUSPENDERS?
NO GOOD. NOTHIN'.
UM, OK. UH,
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
OOH. THAT'S THE ONE,
RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT THERE.
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
[APPRECIATIVE LAUGHTER]
HEY. HEY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANKS A LOT.
THANK YOU, BABY.
ALL RIGHT.
HO HO HO!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
WELL, ANYWAY,
SO I SEE THIS GUY
ON THE STREE THE OTHER DAY, RIGHT?
HE TELLS ME
HE'S GOT AGENT ORANGE.
I SAID, "AT LEAST YOU
HAVE AN AGENT." BOOM!
HA HA!
ALL RIGHT. OK.
MY GRANDMOTHER.
I WAS TALKIN' TO
MY GRANDMOTHER THE OTHER DAY.
WHAT A LADY.
YOU'D LOVE HER.
SHE'S DEAF
IN BOTH EARS, RIGHT,
SO WE BOUGHT HER
2 HEARING AIDS.
SHE KEEPS PUTTIN' 'EM
BOTH IN THE SAME EAR.
SHE'S DEAF OVER HERE,
SHE'S GOT, LIKE,
BAT-LIKE HEARING OVER HERE.
DID SOMEBODY SAY
NURSING HOME?
THAT'S HER. THA WAS HER VOICE. HA HA!
[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]
[CROWD SCREAMING]
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHO IS THAT OVER THERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEY, I THOUGHT--
WHAT, IS THERE A SALE
ON BIKINIS OR SOMETHING?
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I'M DOIN' GREAT.
THESE PEOPLE LOVE ME.
YOU SEE, I'M FINALLY COOKIN'.
I'M START--
I'M A-ROLLIN'.
OH!
OW.
COME ON. WE GO TO GET OUT OF HERE.
WHY?
MY GOD! MY GOD!
TERRORISTS! TERRORISTS!
THAT'S WHY.
OH.
[RUMBLING]
HOLY SHIT.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
WE FUCKIN' HIT AN ICEBERG.
WE HIT AN ICEBERG.
HOLY SHIT.
ANOTHER TITANIC.
HURRY UP, SCHECKY.
COME ON,
GET IN HERE.
I'M COMIN',
I'M COMIN', I'M COMIN'.
WHERE IS MISS AUSTRALIA?
WE WANT HER NOW.
SHE'S OURS.
WE ARE NO FOOLING AROUND HERE.
WE GOT A BIG,
FAT PROBLEM HERE.
WE NEED TO HAVE
A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
THIS IS NO JOKE.
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.
HELLO.
TESTING 1, 2, 3.
HELLO.
THIS IS GOING OU TO ALL THE PEOPLE
ON THE BOAT.
ALL THE PEOPLE.
ALL WE WAN IS MISS AUSTRALIA.
MRS. AUSTRALIA!
MISS AUSTRALIA!
MISS AUSTRALIA?
SAY, ISN'T THAT THE LATE
DICKIE DIAMOND'S GIRLFRIEND?
HOW WOULD I KNOW?
I HAVEN'T DONE ANY SCENES
WITH DICKIE DIAMOND
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND.
I'M QUITE SURE IT IS.
HEY, THAT'S GREAT.
THEY WANT TO KILL HER.
SHE'S A REAL BITCH, MAN.
YOU GUYS SHOULDN' TALK MEAN ABOUT PEOPLE
BEHIND THEIR BACKS.
OH, WELL, I DIDN' SEE YOU THERE.
I'LL SAY I TO YOUR FACE.
YOU'RE A PIG, HONEY.
YOU WERE MEAN TO ME
THE OTHER NIGH IN THE BAR.
WELL, I WAS A DIFFEREN WOMAN BACK THEN
WHEN DICKIE WAS ALIVE.
NOW THAT HE'S DEAD,
I'M MY OWN WOMAN.
I'VE GOT MY OWN MIND
AND IT WORKS FOR ME
AND NOBODY ELSE.
GOOD FOR YOU.
MRS. AUSTRALIA!
MISS AUSTRALIA,
YOU LITTLE KANGAROO,
BIG MOUTH BAD BREATH.
YOU BETTER COME OUT!
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S TIME TO MEE YOUR MAYOR.
MY GOD, THEY WANT ME
TO MEET THE MAYOR?
NO, NO. I THINK HE'S
RIGHT THERE.
HE WANTS YOU
TO MEET YOUR MAKER.
HE WANTS
TO KILL YOU.
DO YOU HAVE
AN EDUCATION?
[CRYING]
OY, MISS AUSTRALIA,
WHEN I FIND YOU,
I'M GONNA
TAKE YOUR HANDS
AND I'M
GONNA CUT OFF
ALL YOUR PRETTY
LITTLE FINGERNAILS
AND I'M GONNA
SWALLOW THEM...
YUM!
AND THEY'RE
GONNA GO THROUGH
MY DIGESTIVE TRACT.
AND THE ONLY THING IS,
THEY'RE NO GONNA DIGEST!
OH, MY GOD! HE CAN'T.
ALL I SAID WAS
THAT GENERAL NORIEGA
HAD BAD BREATH.
IT TOOK ME MONTHS
TO GROW THESE.
YOU KNOW, I BROKE ONE,
AND THEN JUST AS I WAS GROWING BACK,
I BROKE ANOTHER ONE.
THEY'RE FINALLY ALL EVEN.
HE CAN'T DO IT.
HE CAN'T!
I'VE GOT TO GE OUT OF HERE!
NO, NO, ELLEN.
ELLEN, WAIT!
WOW.
DON'T WOMEN LOOK FUNNY
WHEN THEY RUN IN HEELS?
LET'S GO.
OH, THERE SHE GOES!
WELL, GO, GO!
[FIRES GUN]
COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON!
OH!
LOOK OUT!
NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY
NOWHERE TO HIDE, NO
GOT NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY
AND NOWHERE TO HIDE
IT'S NOT LOVE I'VE
BEEN RUNNING FROM
IT'S THE HEARTBREAK
I KNOW WILL COME
'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE
NO GOOD FOR ME
BUT YOU'VE BECOME
A PART OF ME
EVERYWHERE I GO
YOUR FACE I SEE
EVERY STEP I TAKE
YOU TAKE WITH ME
NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY
NOWHERE
TO HIDE, YEAH...
HEY, WHAT'S
WITH THE SHIRT?
OH, THIS ONE?
YEAH, THAT SHIRT.
OH, I LIKE THE PINK ONE,
AND BOB LIKES THE GREEN ONE.
WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE?
THEY BOTH STINK.
I KNOW YOU'RE
NO GOOD FOR ME
BUT FREE OF YOU
I'LL NEVER BE
NO
EACH NIGHT AS I SLEEP
INTO MY HEAR YOU CREEP
I WAKE UP FEELIN'
SORRY I MET YOU
HOPIN' SOON
THAT I'LL FORGET YOU
WHEN I LOOK
IN THE MIRROR
TO COMB MY HAIR
I SEE YOUR FACE
JUST A-SMILIN' THERE
YEAH
NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY
NOWHERE TO HIDE
RUN TO, BABY
GOT NOWHERE TO RUN...
OH, GOD.
HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?
JUST BECAUSE I'M PRETTY,
EVERYBODY THINKS I'M STUPID.
WHERE DID THA COME FROM?
I HATE BEING BEAUTIFUL.
SOMETIMES I WISH
I WAS AN UGLY, OLD HAG
WITH BURN MARKS OR WARTS
ALL OVER MY FACE
AND PEOPLE WOULD
JUST RUN IN TERROR
WHEN THEY LOOKED AT ME.
WHY?
BECAUSE BEING PRETTY
ISN'T PRETTY.
LOOK, LOOK. WE DON' HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS MORBID
DESIRE TO BE DEFORMED.
GOD, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I NEVER REALIZED
HOW HARD IT WAS
FOR A YOUNG GIRL
TO BE SO GORGEOUS.
IT'S A LIVING HELL.
[MACHINE GUNFIRE]
GOT NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY
NOWHERE TO HIDE
I KNOW YOU'RE
NO GOOD FOR ME
BUT FREE OF YOU
I'LL NEVER BE, NO--
CLIMB THE LADDER.
CLIMB THE--
WHY DO YOU WANT 'EM
TO CLIMB THE LADDER?
[SIGHS]
HOPIN' SOON
THAT I'D FORGET YOU
WHEN I LOOK
IN THE MIRROR
TO COMB MY HAIR
I SEE YOUR FACE
JUST A-SMILIN' THERE
YEAH
NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY
NOWHERE TO HIDE
RUN TO, BABY
GOT NOWHERE TO RUN
FROM YOU, BABY
OH, NO
I KNOW YOU'RE
NO GOOD FOR ME
BUT YOU'VE BECOME
A PART OF ME
HOW CAN I FIGH A LOVER...
OH, GOD.
THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME
BEFORE I GET A CHANCE
TO BE AN ACTRESS.
ALL MY HOPES,
ALL MY DREAMS.
I HAD A LINE
ON GENERAL HOSPITAL
LAST WEEK.
YOU DID?
WHAT WAS IT?
"CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING
FROM THE BAR?"
OH, MY GOD.
I SAY THA ALL THE TIME.
REALLY? OH, I WISH
YOU'D BEEN THERE
TO COACH ME.
ME, TOO.
OH, JEEZ, I CAN' BELIEVE THIS.
DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD TELL HER
ABOUT BOB'S LITTLE
INFECTION, HUH?
SHOULD I?
FORGET IT.
YO, MISS AUSTRALIA?
YOU BETTER
COME OUT HERE,
OR I'M GONNA HAVE TO
START KILLING HOSTAGES
IN 3 0R 4 SECONDS...
3 SECONDS!
STARTING WITH
THIS GIRL HERE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY
TO SAVE HER.
NO, SHE ALWAYS WINS
WHENEVER WE COMPETE.
THIS COULD BE MY ONLY CHANCE
FOR MISS INTERNATIONAL.
NOW THAT IS
A COMPETITIVE BITCH
RIGHT THERE.
I'M SO SELFISH.
I'VE GO TO GIVE MYSELF UP.
YOU GUYS STAY HERE.
JUST KIDDING...
LOOK, I THINK
THE GENERAL'S A GREAT GUY.
I ONLY SAID I TO BE SMART.
LOOK, HE PROBABLY
SMELLS TERRIFIC.
COME TO MENTION IT,
YOU GUYS AREN' SO BAD YOURSELF--
AAH!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
[SQUEALING]
HEY, BOB?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
ABOUT THIS?
WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TRY TO SAVE HER.
YEAH, YEAH, BOB.
WHAT?
WELL, I FIGURED
YOU JUST HAD
YOUR TONGUE DOWN
THE GIRL'S THROAT.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO
AND SAVE HER.
[SCREAMING]
COME ON, SCHECKY.
DON'T PUT ME
ON THE SPOT.
I HAVE A REALLY STRONG
FEAR OF DEATH.
OH, I GO A FEAR OF DEATH,
BUT I ALSO HAVE
A STRONGER SENSE
OF GUILT, MAN,
AND JEEZ,
I MEAN, YOU WERE
JUST MAKING OU WITH THE GIRL.
I WOULD FEEL
YOU'D KIND OF WAN TO SAVE HER.
FINE, FINE!
FINE, I'LL GO.
I'LL GO AND
GET SHOT A SAVING SOME GIRL
I WAS JUST KISSING.
YOU STAY HERE...
COWARD!
OH...
GET OFF OF HER!
I WAS LYING
TO BOB RIGHT THERE.
I DO HAVE A STRONGER
FEAR OF DEATH
COMPARED TO
MY SENSE OF GUILT,
BUT DEATH--EW--
MAKES ME NAUSEOUS.
I DON'T WANT DEATH.
YOU GET BURIED
UNDERGROUND,
YOU GET DIR ALL OVER YOU
WITH WORMS--EW--
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
SO, YOU KNOW,
IF I GET OUT THERE,
THERE'S A CHANCE
I'M GONNA GET SHOT,
AND I DON' LIKE THAT,
AND THAT'S NOT GOOD
FOR MY CAREER, EITHER.
YOU KNOW THA AND I KNOW THAT.
I AIN'T GOING.
OH, YEAH.
COME TO THINK OF IT...
WHERE DO YOU THINK
WE GO...
WHEN WE DIE?
I'M THINKING
OF THAT RIGHT NOW.
WELL, I FEEL EVERYONE
GOES TO PURGATORY FIRST.
AND THEN, AFTER
EVERYONE PRAYS FOR YOU,
YOU GO TO HEAVEN.
HEAVEN IS A PLACE
UP ABOVE...
PEARLY GATES.
HEAVEN IS BRIGHT LIGHTS,
REAL CALM, REAL SERENE.
LOTS OF ANGELS
AND THINGS.
AH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I THINK.
I THINK THA WHEN WE DIE,
WE JUST GET ON THIS DARK,
LONELY SPIRAL...
RIGHT DOWN TO NOTHINGNESS.
THAT'S WHERE WE GO,
AND THAT'S NOT COOL WITH ME.
SO, I'M NOT GONNA
GET OUT THERE,
BECAUSE I COULD GET SHOT,
AND THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME....
Milton's Voice: SCHECKY,
YOU REMEMBER THE POWER.
KILL 'EM WITH LAUGHS
BEFORE THEY KILL YOU.
THAT WAS
THAT BERLE GUY AGAIN.
I GUESS I BETTER SHUT UP.
WHAT? WHAT?
Milton: USE
THE POWER OF LAUGHTER.
LAUGHTER?
POWER OF LAUGHTER?
HE ALWAYS SAID THAT.
MAYBE THAT HAS
A MEANING OR SOMETHING.
POWER OF...
OH, AH, AH!
I KNOW WHAT HE MEANS.
YEAH...
I KNOW WHAT HE MEANS.
I'LL GET THE--
SKEEDIL-EE-DEE-DA-DEE!
SKEEDIL-EE DEE-DA-DEE!
AAH!
WHO ARE YOU?
AH, MOSKOWITZ.
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME
THERE, PAL?
I'M ACHMED.
AH, ACHMED, WITH
A LOT OF SPIT THERE.
THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR A LIVING,
THERE, HUH?
I FIGH FOR THE PEOPLE.
THE PEOPLE'S
PEOPLE'S PEOPLE.
AH, I LIKE PEOPLE.
FREEDOM FIGHTER.
THAT'S ME.
I WORK FOR THE CONTRA
REBELS SOMETIMES.
I'M SURE YOU DO.
I WOULD, TOO--
SOMETIMES I DELIVER
FOR DOMINO'S.
HALF HOUR OR LESS.
OK, MISS AUSTRALIA.
ANY LAST REQUESTS?
YES...
I'D LIKE TO SING
ONE LAST SONG...
I WON THE MISS AUSTRALIA
CONTEST WITH THIS LAST YEAR,
AND IT WOULD REALLY MEAN
A LOT TO ME.
OK, SING
YOUR HEART OUT.
AUSTRALIA'S SONS
LET US REJOICE
FOR WE ARE
YOUNG AND FREE--
THIS IS HOW MY MOTHER
CARRIED ME WHEN I WAS A BABY.
BUT CAN YOU LET GO
A LITTLE, PLEASE,
BECAUSE I'M
A LITTLE SICK.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M SICK,
MY MOTHER ALWAYS TELLS ME
TO DRINK LIQUIDS.
I THINK SHE'S
RIGHT, THOUGH,
BECAUSE EVERY TIME
I DRINK A SOLID, I CHOKE.
BOOM! HA HA HA.
YEAH.
WITH GOLDEN SOIL
AND WEALTH FOR TOIL
OUR HOME IS
GIRT BY SEA--
YEAH, SPEAKING
OF DRINKS, YOU KNOW--
THIS IS WHAT I DO
TO GET FREE DRINKS.
I KIND OF INSULT A GIRL.
I SAY, "BABY,
YOU'RE KIND OF UGLY."
SHE TAKES HER DRINK
AND THROWS IT IN MY FACE.
I OPEN UP MY MOUTH, RIGHT?
AND AFTER 6 OR 7 GIRLS,
I GET A GOOD BUZZ GOING.
HA HA HA!
AUSTRALIA'S SONS
LET US REJOICE
FOR WE ARE
YOUNG AND FREE
OK, OK.
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
[CONTINUES SINGING
UNINTELLIGIBLY]
OK, THAT DOES IT!
AAH!
[LAUGHING]
YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE IT A WHIRL, BABY?
COME ON, GIVE IT A TRY.
GO AHEAD.
SO I SAID
TO THE MAN...
TAKE MY WIFE...
PLEASE?
YEAH!
SPEAKING OF, UM...
MY WIFE,
SHE'S SO FAT...
HOW FAT IS SHE?
SHE'S SO FAT...
THAT WHEN SHE SITS
AROUND THE HOUSE,
SHE'S ALL THE WAY
AROUND THE HOUSE.
[WEAKLY SINGING]
DARLING...
ACHMED...
I WANT TO BE
A COMEDIAN.
I MAKE
THE PEOPLE LAUGH.
I THINK
THEY LOVE ME.
I--I--
[CRYING]
ARE YOU OK?
YEAH.
ARE YOU OK?
WELL, I HAVE A LITTLE
BUMP ON MY HEAD,
BUT I DON'T THINK
IT SHOWS A BRUISE.
OH...
WHY DID YOU SAVE ME?
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
OH, JEEZ, DO YOU?
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
OH, YEAH.
I THINK I'M A LAUGHER,
NOT A FIGHTER.
KISS ME.
WHAT ABOUT KILLING
MISS AUSTRALIA?
NO, FORGET IT.
SCHECKY SAID WE COULD
MOVE IN WITH HIM
AND WE COULD--WE COULD
LIVE IN AMERICA WITH HIM
AND WHEN--
HE COULD TEACH US
THE FINE ART OF COMEDY.
REALLY?
REALLY.
WILL HE WRITE
ALL HIS OWN, UH,
COMEDY MATERIAL
FOR US?
I WILL WRITE
ALL YOUR MATERIAL,
OF COURSE, AND
IF YOU GUYS WANT,
I'LL GET YOU
IN A MOVIE.
SEE THAT? THERE'S
A MOVIE CAMERA,
RIGHT THERE.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
DO SOME COMEDY?
RIGHT NOW,
FOR THAT CAMERA.
THE MOVIES?
OK...
OK, UM...
SO, UM...
WHAT'S INVISIBLE
AND SMELLS, UM...
LIKE, LIKE, CARROTS?
UH, CARROTS.
OK, I KNOW THAT ONE.
I KNOW THAT ONE...
I DON'T KNOW THAT ONE.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW IT?
IT'S 'CAUSE IT'S--
IT'S LITTLE, TEENY
BUNNY FART.
[LAUGHING]
DADDY, LET ME OUT.
I WON'T BE FOOLING
AROUND ANYMORE.
I PROMISE.
WHO IS IT RUNNING OVER
TO FIRST BASE...
WITH THE SECOND BASE
THERE GUY?
MUST BE...
Both: THIRD BASE!
[LAUGHING]
LOVE...
YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY LOVE.
YOU DON'T DESERVE
TO WEAR THIS.
SOMEBODY...
PLEASE LET ME OUT.
I SWEAR TO GOD,
I WILL NEVER FLIP
ANYBODY OFF AGAIN.
I'LL NEVER CURSE.
SOMEBODY, PLEASE?
IF YOU'RE UP THERE...
PLEASE.
AHH...
YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS.
YOU STUPID FUCKS!
I'M AN ATHEIST!
HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.
OW.
Achmed: SO, I'M FOR
TO PLAY IN THE BASEBALL
AND I'M MAKING TOUCHDOWN
FOR THE HOME TEAM.
I'M THE HERO!
[LAUGHING]
SO, SPEAKING
OF THE BASEBALLS,
HOW MANY ONE-EYED LIZARDS
DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE
A TWO-EYED LIZARD?
HEY, HEY,
YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
3!
3, 3 ONE-EYED LIZARDS.
WHY IS IT 3?
3 ONE-EYED LIZARDS,
BECAUSE ONE OF THEM
IS BLINDER.
[LAUGHING]
[ACHMED AND EKEBEM
CONTINUE BANTERING]
...HOW CAN HE SEE?
BECAUSE
HE'S A BLIND LIZARD!
YOU FUCKING UGLY
MOTHERFUCKERS...
GET THE FUCK
OFF MY STAGE.
I WANT MY
FUCKING JOB BACK.
Woman: HEY, LOOK!
THAT'S THE DEAD GUY!
Man: YEAH, THAT'S
THE DEAD COMEDIAN.
HEY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE DEAD.
DEAD? YOU STUPID
MOTHERFUCKER,
I'M NOT DEAD.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
I WAS LOCKED
IN THE BATHROOM,
YOU STUPID--
YOU FUCKING HIJACKING,
2-ON-ONE CHEATERS.
FUCK...
ME!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU...
[LAUGHING]
I AM TERRORIST.
I'M LIKE RAMBO.
I AM LIKE RAMBO.
[GUN COCKS]
I AM RAMBO!
[GUNSHOT]
WELL...
ALL RIGHT.
EVERYTHING WORKED OU JUST FINE, NOW DIDN'T IT?
LET'S SEE.
WELL, THAT ROCK STAR
AND HIS SLEAZY MANAGER?
THEY HAVE GIRLS HANGING
ALL OVER 'EM NOW.
AND BOB, HE HAS
A GORGEOUS WIFE-TO-BE.
HOW HE GOT HER,
I'LL NEVER KNOW,
BUT STRANGER THINGS
HAVE HAPPENED.
AND EVEN
THOSE TERRORISTS.
THEY GOT WHA THEY WANTED--
AN AUDIENCE.
I...
I GUESS I GOT WHA I WANTED, TOO, YOU KNOW?
NOW, I'M A BIG,
FUNNY COMEDIAN.
I'M EVEN A HERO,
BUT SOMETHING'S MISSING.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS.
I GOT A SURPRISE
FOR YOU.
NEPTUNE, HOW YOU BEEN?
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
IN A WHILE.
I'M SWELL.
I GOT SOMEONE
I WANT YOU TO MEET.
SLIMY!
SLIMY?
HELLO.
Neptune: THIS IS
MY DAUGHTER, SLIMY!
HELLO, SLIMY.
MY LITTLE GUPPY'S
BEEN WATCHING YOU
IN HER CONCH SHELL
FOR A WEEK NOW,
AND SHE'S JUS BEEN BEGGING ME
TO INTRODUCE YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING ME
IN YOUR CONCH SHELL?
YES.
I REALLY, REALLY,
WANTED TO MEET YOU.
WOW, SHE IS SO SWEET.
HEY, UM, KING NEPTUNE,
I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF I COULD TAKE HER
TO THE BOW OF THE SHIP
AND MAYBE GIVE HER
A KISS, YOU KNOW,
TO CLOSE THE MOVIE.
IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD,
GO AHEAD.
ALL RIGHT...
BUT HAVE HER BACK
AT THE REEF BY 11:00!
AND NO TONGUES!
OH, BOY
WHO'S THAT GIRL
OVER THERE?
I REALLY GO TO TALK TO THAT CHICK
BECAUSE THAT IS ONE COOL,
SUGAR CANDY GIRL
SHE'S A SLICK CHICK
SHE'S A SLICK CHICK
HELLO, DARLING
HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
HELLO, DARLING
HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
HELLO, DARLING
HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
HELLO, DARLING
HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
ONCE IN THE U.S.A.
I WAS OUT WALKING
A LITTLE YOUNG GIRL
I WAS SEEING
I SEE A YOUNG GIRL
SHE STARTED SMILING
I WALK OVER
WE STARTED TALKING
I SAY, "HI, BABES"
SHE SAID,
"HOW ARE YOU KEEPING?"
I SAID, "I'M COOL"
"I'M JUST DOING
MY OWN THING"
SHE SAID "HEY, MAN, I HEAR
YOU ARE THE IN THING"
YOUR KEYS ARE IVORY
FROM THAT SAXON SOUND SYSTEM
HELLO, DARLING
HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
HELLO, DARLING
HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
FUCK EVERYBODY!
FUCK--FUCK YOU!
FUCK THE WATER!
FUCK THIS FUCKING WATER!
FUCK THE BOAT!
FUCK--FUCK NORIEGA!
FUCK SCHECKY!
FUCK EVERYBODY!
[LAUGHS]
FUCK EVERYTHING!
HELLO, DARLING
HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
HELLO, DARLING
HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
YEAH
AND I'M ON THE PROWL
GOING OUT THE CAT DOOR
'CAUSE I'M IN LOVE
WITH A LITTLE GIRL, BOY
HEAR HER HOWL,
LOVELY WOMAN
SERVING ME SOME
HOT, HOT TUNA
YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA UPSIDE HIS HEAD
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH
WELL, I CLIMB THE WALLS
OVER TAIL SO FINE
AND MY FURRY PAWS
WANT YOUR BEHIND
ALL COME FOR LOVE TO ME
I'M SO WILD
AND SO IN HEAT
YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA UPSIDE HIS HEAD
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH
GONNA SLAP HIS HEAD
BOOM
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH
YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH
AND I'M ON THE PROWL
GOING OUT THE CAT DOOR
'CAUSE I'M IN LOVE
WITH A LITTLE GIRL, BOY
HEAR HER HOWL,
LOVELY WOMAN
SERVING ME SOME
HOT, HOT TUNA
YEAH
YEAH, YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA UPSIDE HIS HEAD
YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH
YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CA YEAH, YEAH
[EXPLOSION]
[SCHECKY LAUGHING
MANIACALLY]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
[LAUGHING STOPS]