Lunchtime!
The longer you animals bark,
the colder your lunch gets.
Come on, move it out.
You too, down there!
Hey, turkey!
"You schmuck. Do you think
I'd be stupid enough to kill myself?"
Kill myself?
Come on!
Here he comes.
Francis, the lock.
Let go of the handle.
I don't have the handle! Open it!
Jake, up!
Come on, move! Get on!
Thanks, Mama.
Okay, you guys.
Let's try the victory pyramid.
Okay, let's go.
Come on. Put your arms up.
Smile. Good, we got it!
Turn that TV off.
I can't hear myself think.
Yeah, right, Dad.
Is the water going down, son?
- Nope.
- Is it going down now?
Wow, a police chase!
Oh, shit!
What are we doing here?
Trust in your mother, boys.
Throw her into four-wheel drive
and hold on to your hats.
Bummer!
Nothing exciting ever happens
around here anyway.
Who needs the Goon Docks?
Who needs this house?
I can't wait to get out of here.
Really?
No, I was just trying to delate
myself. No, no...
Dictate myself.
That's delude yourself, dummy.
That's what I said.
Thanks, Brand.
I know how you feel, wimp.
I'm sure gonna miss this place too.
Adopted wuss.
I'm no adopted wuss!
I'll kill you, Brand!
It's Mouth.
Hey, Mikey.
Yo, Mikey.
Hey, Mikey, seen Adrienne?
- What's going down?
- Get your foot off the table.
You got it. What's going down, guys?
What's the matter with you guys?
What's the matter? What is this?
A nuclear Saturday?
Come on, guys.
This is our last weekend together.
Last Goonie weekend.
We gotta be going out in style.
Cruising the coast,
sniffing some lace...
...downing the brews, but no!
The one older brother had to go
and screw it up.
Flunking your driver's test?
I don't know what to do with you.
You guys, let me in!
Jerk alert.
It's Chunk.
I just saw the most amazing thing
in my entire life!
First, do the Truffle Shuffle.
Come on!
Do it.
Come on!
Do it!
Cut it out, Mouth.
Get out.
You guys won't believe me.
I'm telling the truth.
You turd!
- Flunked your driver's test.
- Shut up.
Listen, you'll never believe me.
There was two cop cars, okay?
They were chasing this four-wheel
deal, a real neat ORV.
Bullets flying everywhere. It was
the most amazing thing I ever saw!
More amazing than when
Michael Jackson used your bathroom?
More amazing than when you saved
those old people from that fire?
More amazing than when you ate your
weight in Godfather's pizza?
Okay, Michael Jackson didn't come to
my house to use the bathroom.
But his sister did.
Okay, Data, don't mess this one up.
Prepare for the Wings of Flight.
- Open the door!
- Mikey!
The screen door!
Hey! I bet you guys thought I
was gonna drop it, huh?
I know you'd expect that from Chunk.
- You idiot!
- Oh, my God!
Look, it's not broken.
It's perfect.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
- That's my mom's most favorite piece!
- What?
Oh, my God.
- You wouldn't be here if it wasn't.
- Shut up!
Shut up, Mouth.
- Any of you guys ever hear of Detroit?
- No.
Certainly. It's where Motown started.
Also got the country's
highest murder rate.
That's where we move to when we
lose our house tomorrow.
Shut up. It'll never
happen. My dad'll fix it.
Yeah, sure he will.
If he gets his next 400 paychecks
by tomorrow.
That's wrong, Brand.
It won't happen!
- Oh, hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
Hi, hi!
I see Data dropped by.
Hi, Mrs. Walsh. How are you?
Boys, this is Rosalita.
She'll help with the packing until
my arm's better.
Boys, Rosalita doesn't speak a word
of English...
...and I know some of you took
Spanish in school.
Well, Mrs. Walsh, I speak
perfect Spanish.
If it's any help to you, I'd be glad
to communicate with Rosalita.
You're a lifesaver, Clark.
Come with us, will you?
Certainly, Mrs. Walsh.
Mikey, no more potato chips.
Hello, Mikey.
It's Brand, Ma.
What?
I wonder if she'll notice.
That's what I said!
Of course. She notices everything.
Pants and shirts are in the second.
Just throw them all into boxes.
Forget the suitcases.
Can you translate that?
- Certainly, Mrs. Walsh.
- That's wonderful.
Look. How's that?
You idiot!
You glued it on upside down!
If God meant it that way,
you'd be pissing in your faces.
Looks fine to me.
Rosalita, this is the attic.
Mr. Walsh doesn't like anyone up here.
That's why it's always open.
This is my supply closet. You'll
find brooms, dustpans, insect spray.
I'd like the house clean
when they tear it down.
Clark, can you translate?
Okay, Rosie? You're gonna be
very happy here.
Come on, Clark, we've got more to do.
You're so fluent in languages.
You're so fluent in Spanish.
That was so nice of you.
"Nice" is my middle name.
I'm taking Rosalita
to the supermarket.
I'll be back in about an hour.
Mikey, stay inside. Brand, if he has
asthma, I don't want him in the rain.
He should be in a plastic bubble.
I'm serious. That's not funny.
He takes one step outside, and you
are in absolutely the deepest...
Shit, Ma.
I don't like that language,
but that's what you'll be in.
- And you, Data...
- "Data."
- Use the back door from now on.
- All right.
What is that?
Oh, shit. What?
What is that?
That is a mess.
I want it cleaned up, boys.
- Oh, yeah. Sure!
- You got it.
One hour and I'll be back.
Bye, baby. Rosie?
- Bye, Mrs. Walsh.
- Bye.
You want a breathing problem?
You got one.
What'll happen to the stuff
in the attic?
My dad's giving it back
to the museum...
...or the new assistant curly...
Curney...
- Curator.
- Wait, guys.
Maybe there's stuff up there for us
that we can keep from the oldsiders.
Maybe there's some rich stuff!
No! It's my dad's responsibility,
you guys.
The museum's probably got a list.
Listen to me! That's his stuff!
Look at this. I didn't know Dad
had all this stuff up here.
- Great! Look at that! Neat!
- I love it.
Come on, guys!
My dad doesn't want you up here.
You heard what my mom said
about not wanting anybody up here.
I cannot believe you actually have
something this cool in your house.
You guys, my mom said...
Guys, stop. Put down
the outfit, okay?
This is great. We only have Hanukkah
decorations in our attic.
I don't care what you have in your...
Okay, you saw it, now let's go.
Come on, Mikey. It's cool!
I got you right where I want you!
It's dusty, my hay fever's acting up
and you always break something.
Mikey!
Come here and make me feel
like a woman.
Come on, give me a nice, wet,
lickery kiss.
I gotcha! Get out from there,
you're ruining the painting!
You're ruining my joke.
The painting's already cracked.
- Hey, Mikey?
- What?
What is all this stuff?
The museum did some...
Where'd you get this?
- Right there.
- They did a show. A retropactum.
- Retrospective.
- I said that. Don't contradict me.
It was about the history of Astoria,
and these are the rejects.
Kind of like us, the Goonies.
I'm not a reject.
Take that off.
You'll get me in trouble.
- You know how this works?
- What?
Laser beams!
Mouth, when you drop something,
put it back up...
What's this?
Wait a second.
Chunk!
I didn't touch it.
I know. Get over here.
Hold this.
Why me, Mike?
Thanks for taking us up here.
There's a real big ball...
...and it's got this thing...
What are you doing?
Mike found a map.
And look. That says "1632."
Is that a year?
No. It's your top score
on Pole Position.
Yes, it's a year.
It's a map of our coastline.
What's all that Spanish junk
right there?
Mouth, you said you can translate.
Translate.
Yeah, translate it.
"Ye intruders beware.
Crushing death and grief...
...soaked with blood
of the trespassing thief."
This map is old news.
Everybody went looking for that
when our parents were our age.
Haven't you heard of him?
What's his name?
The pirate guy. One-Eyed Willy.
One-Eyed Willy!
The most famous pirate in his time.
My dad told me all about him.
Dad'll do anything
to put you to sleep.
No! See, One-Eyed Willy
stole a treasure once.
And it was full of rubies
and emeralds...
And diamonds?
And diamonds. Then he loaded it
onto his ship...
...and sailed away into the sunset.
Until the British king found out
about it...
...and sent out his whole armada
to go after him.
It took them a couple of weeks
to catch up with Willy.
Then there was a whole big war...
...between the armada
and Willy's ship, the Inferno.
During the firefight, there were...
...guns and cannons bursting
here and there.
Then Willy fled, because he knew
he'd get killed if he stayed around.
And then he got into this cave...
...and the British blew up
the walls around him.
He got caved in,
and he's been there ever since.
- Forever?
- Forever.
And ever?
Trapped.
You sound as corny as Dad does.
My dad tells the truth.
Know what he said?
He said One-Eyed Willy and his bunch
were down there for years.
They were digging tunnels and caves.
- Setting booty traps.
- Booby traps.
Setting booby traps so anybody who
tried to get in would die.
Then he killed all his men.
- Why?
- Why kill all of them?
So they wouldn't get his treasure.
Wait a minute.
If he killed all his men,
how did the map get out?
My dad said one of the guys must
have gotten out with the map.
- Hey, Mikey, I believe you.
- I don't believe you at all.
What did you break this time, Chunk?
Hey, you guys, look at this.
You ever hear of this guy?
Chester Copperpot.
Look what it says.
"Chester Copperpot, missing while
in pursuit of local legend.
Reclusive scavenger claims,
'I have the key...
...to One-Eyed Willy.'"
Wow, do you guys realize
what we could do?
Nobody ever found nothing.
Why would this map be in this attic...
...when it could be in some
safe-deposit box, right?
Right. If Chester Copperpot didn't
find it, how would we find it?
But what if? You guys...
...what if this map can lead
to One-Eyed Willy's rich stuff?
We wouldn't have to leave
the Goon Docks.
Come on, Mike.
I don't want to go on any more
of your Goonie adventures.
Where are you going?
You don't want to do this?
Jerk alert.
Can I help you?
Hello, little guys.
I'm Mr. Perkins, Troy's father.
We know Troy, he's a cheap guy.
My dad's not home, Mr. Perkins.
Is your mommy here?
No, she's down at the market buying
Pampers for all us kids.
Papers.
Well, you can give these papers to
your father to read through and sign.
We'll be by to pick them up
in the morning.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- What is that?
- It's Dad's business.
But what is it?
I told you it was Dad's business.
Look at them smiling.
They can't wait till tomorrow
to foreclose on whatever it's called.
Trash the Goon Docks.
I hope they make our house
a sand trap.
And never get their balls out.
You know, I think they made me
lose my appetite.
Come on, before you catch a real cold.
You're sure of yourself.
The foreclosure is a definite.
Oh, God, am I depressed.
If I found One-Eyed Willy's rich
stuff, I'd pay all my dad's bills.
Then he could sleep at night...
...instead of sitting up
figuring how we can stay.
- Me too.
- Me three.
Forget any adventures, limp lungs.
If I let you out, Mom will ground
me, and I've got a date with Andy.
You're dreaming, dude. No way.
Her mom has to drive, and then you
gotta make it with her and her mom.
- Shut up, Mouth.
- Yeah, Mouth.
Shut up, Data.
Jesus!
What'll we do about that country club?
It's killing our parents.
If we don't do something...
...there'll be a golf course
where we're standing.
Brand, how far can you stretch that?
It's not that hard.
Get off me, Chunk.
- Get off me!
- I got you.
What are you doing?
It took his 376 lawn mowing jobs
to pay for it.
It's his favorite thing in the world.
Now it's his flattest.
Let's go!
I'll hit you so hard, when you wake
your clothes will be out of style!
Mom. You've got to let me
out of here.
Can't you learn how to exercise
like a normal kid?
Look! You're hyperventrilicating.
Where's your brother?
Mom!
What's wrong with you people?
Rosalita, come here.
You gotta let me out of here.
Rosalita!
Rosalita, come here.
You gotta let me out of this.
- Hi, Mikey.
- Hi, Dad!
Hey, wait for me!
If you don't bring your brother home,
I'll commit Hare Krishna!
That's hara-kiri, Ma.
- That's exactly what I said.
- What?
My new tires!
They popped my new tires, the son of...
I'm gonna kill...
- My bike! My bike!
- I owe you one.
He's got my bike! I want my bike!
Gold Rock Beach is around
this next curve.
I have a feeling about this.
Every time you have feeling,
we get in trouble.
You're the one who always gets us
in trouble, 00-Negative.
I'm James Bond, 007, not 00-Negative.
I'm hungry. When my stomach growls,
there's trouble.
Shut up, Chunk!
You made me go up this big
hill and said give me a Twinkie.
I'll be late for dinner,
and my mom'll yell at me.
She's not gonna let me eat dinner,
and she's gonna punish me!
Anybody got a candy bar?
A Baby Ruth?
I can't believe it. That's it.
Those three rocks out there.
One, two, three.
Troy! You touch that mirror again,
and I'll smack you in the face.
There's Brand.
Like the bike.
What is he doing?
No wonder he can't get a license.
Oh, no.
Brand, can we give you
a ride somewhere?
No. Thanks anyway.
Walsh, let us give you a little ride.
Hold on. Here we go!
- Troy!
- Let go of my arm!
Oh, no.
Let go of my hand!
Oh, my God!
So long, sucker!
- Forget it!
- Come on!
- This better be it, Mikey.
- Shut up, Chunk.
Guys?
I think I have a match.
I'm sure of it.
The lighthouse, the rock and
the restaurant all fit the doubloon.
That must mean the rich stuff
is near the restaurant.
Wait a second.
Mouth, I need you to translate.
I don't understand Spanish.
- Right here.
- All right, all right.
- What's that?
- 10 times 10.
A hundred.
"Stretching feet...
...to nearest northern point."
- Which way is north?
- "That's where you'll find the treat."
That's it!
- That's north.
- Near the restaurant.
One, two, three, four,
five...
...six, seven, eight, nine...
Wait a minute. Somebody's there.
Sixty and another 40 is an even 100.
Right to the restaurant.
The rich stuff is there.
I don't know about it, Mikey.
It's getting late.
That's a summer place.
Why is it open in the fall?
There's nothing to be scared of.
Two customers went inside the place.
What if they're not customers?
What if they're drug dealers?
Drug dealers?
Did you see their clothes? Drug
dealers don't wear polyester rags.
Mikey, Mikey!
That sounded like gunshots.
Not the kind you hear in movies,
but real ones. They're gonna kill us.
Turn off your brain.
Somebody dropped a pot.
Yeah, a pot!
Are you sure, Mikey?
Because if you're sure, I'm sure.
If it's not the pots,
they might try to kill us.
They're gonna kill us!
Chunk, shut up!
Soda pop! Boy, am I thirsty!
Damn it!
What's that?
Come on, hurry up! Hurry up!
The cook is carrying something
to the kitchen.
Yeah, food.
Don't let them see us.
ORV.
Bullet holes.
Bullet holes?!
Shut up, Chunk.
This is a summer restaurant? I bet
it hasn't been open in 10 summers.
How long you boys been at that window?
Long enough to see you need about
How am I supposed to create
with that Smithsonian piece of shit?!
Jake, these boys are customers.
Boys...
...make yourselves comfortable, huh?
She's gonna cook you something.
What do you want?
- Lots of water.
- Water, water, water.
Four waters. Is that all?
No.
I want veal scallopini.
I want a good fettucini Alfredo.
A bottle of fettucine, 1981.
The only thing we serve is tongue.
You boys like tongue?
That's all?
Sit down!
Are you all right, Chunk?
Hey, guys.
What happened to the two guys
in the polyester who came before us?
- What happened to them?
- What is it? Spit it out.
You guys, if we don't
get out of here soon...
...there's gonna be
some kind of hostage crisis.
Out in the garage, ORV,
four-wheel drive...
...bullet holes the size of matzo ba...
Chunk, I'm starting to O.D.
On all your bullshit stories.
Here's your water.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, ma'am.
I mean "ma'am."
This is supposed to be water?
It's wet, isn't it? Drink it!
Where's the men's room, please?
- Can't you hold it?
- No.
Mikey, this ain't the kind of place
you want to go to the bathroom in.
Why not?
Because they might have
daddy longlegs in them.
- But I gotta go to the bathroom.
- Like dead things, Mikey.
Hey, Mikey, gotta go to the bathroom?
- Killer dead things. Big. Please.
- Lady, please!
- Downstairs, first door on the right.
- Thank you.
- Stay to the right!
- Please, Mikey, dead things.
Stay to the right!
I know it's to the right, thank you.
I know you're down here,
One-Eyed Willy. You've gotta be.
I can feel it, One-Eyed Willy.
I know you're down here.
Oh, man, that stinks.
What the hell is that?
You're ruining it!
Look at the feast I made you.
Look at the feast I made you.
Want to eat it?
Have some. You'll get something.
You don't leave me any choice.
You don't leave me any choice!
You're just like Mom and Francis.
You never let me finish.
Why can't you stay at home?
I'm taking you out of here right now.
Let's get out of here!
Get out of here!
And stay out!
Kids suck.
I swear on my life, they've got it.
An It! A giant It!
They got it chained to the wall!
It came into the light
gross and distorted.
Like your brain, right?
Say goodbye.
Hey, look at that.
- Ma, why'd you have to shoot him?
- He's a fed.
We could've taken him to the side
of a road and shot him in the brain.
- Bring him over here, Francis.
- Don't give me "over here."
I'm wondering, what is in the bag?
Restaurant trash. Yeah.
You sure? That big? That much?
There were bullet holes
in the car this big.
Mikey, come on,
our parents are worried.
- It's dinnertime. Let's go home.
- Home? What home?
In a couple more hours
it ain't gonna be home anymore.
Come on, guys, this is our time.
Our last chance to see
if there really is any rich stuff.
We've got to.
Get down, guys. Get down.
Oh, shit!
You guys scared me!
Almost gave me a heart attack!
- You look better from behind, Mouth.
- Want to see something really scary?
How did you get here?
We followed you guys.
We were out driving with Troy.
- Sorry about your face.
- It's okay, I was born with it.
- I'm kidding.
- Anyway, he was being a jerk.
Tilting the mirror
so he could look down my shirt.
- So I elbowed his lip.
- You elbowed his lip?
- It's locked.
- Thank God!
Wait a minute!
You know, I got some naked pictures
of your mom, taking a bath.
- Want to buy them?
- What?!
Real cheap.
Thanks, Chunk.
- Wait here. I'll get my brother.
- You'll get in trouble.
- Just don't leave, all right?
- No way I'm staying here.
Shut up! We got to get
to the lowest point of the floor.
Lowest point, nothing.
Let's go. Now!
Oh, my God!
- No, Brandon.
- Mikey!
- Oh, my God.
- It was disgusting.
It jumped out from the bushes.
I swear it almost killed us.
Please? What if we find something?
A few more minutes won't hurt.
Come on, Mikey, we're going now.
- Brand, give them a few minutes.
- Listen to your big brother.
As long as you stay here with me.
- She knows what she's talking about.
- She's a dame!
Chunk, I hope that was your stomach.
That's the It.
Sounds like Kong.
Part of it's human.
Come on. Want to see it?
Don't worry.
It's chained to the wall.
- I don't want to go.
- Why not? It's chained.
- Why not? It's chained.
- You wanted to go.
- Yeah, I wanted to go.
- So let's go.
I don't want to see it.
- Shame, shame!
- I know your name.
Come on, Brand, slip her the tongue.
That's disgusting.
No, I can't even look.
Get me up, guys!
One, two, three.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Can't you smell it, guys?
One-Eyed Willy really is down here.
We're walking right above...
I'm gonna build one like this one.
Water.
- Come on, we can do it.
- No, wait a minute.
Right about here must've been when we
said we gotta get to the lowest spot.
What are you two talking
to each other about, Mikey?
What the hell are you doing?
You're going to lose your fist!
What are you doing? Give me that.
There's nothing buried there.
This is the 20th century!
- The map says there is.
- Get off it! There's nothing...
Lookit! I got an idea.
Let's put chocolate all over the floor
and let Chunk eat through it.
Okay, Mouth, that's all I can stand.
And I can't stand no more!
I got it! I got it! I got it!
- I don't got it.
- You klutz.
Hope it's not a deposit bottle.
This is ridiculous.
I feel like I'm babysitting,
except I'm not getting paid.
- Listen to that.
- What?
Sounds like my grandfather
taking a leak. Thrillsville.
No, it's deep.
Like there's a hole
or a passageway. Real deep.
Get out of the way.
Brand is being so sweet.
You're in the clouds,
and we are in a basement!
I told you!
Told you! I told you!
I can feel the air.
There's something down there.
It might be a treasure or something.
Hey, this is working, guys.
- Brand, careful!
- Are you okay?
I told you there was a passageway.
- It's the start of the tunnel.
- Look.
$50 bill.
$50 bill. $50 bill?
Did he say, "$50 bill"?
$50 bills!
Hundreds of them!
We have money to save the Goon Docks!
Quiet!
They're fake. They're bogus.
They're phony.
I knew these people
were from the ozone.
You get 25 years for counterfeiting!
- I recognize these people.
- Look, it's the Fratellis.
- He was upstairs!
- The guy who tried to sing.
You guys never listen to me.
I said there would be trouble,
but you didn't listen.
You guys are crazy.
You guys are self-destructive.
There's a funny farm
with your names written all over it.
But I'm getting out of here. But...
I smell ice cream.
They got Swenson's.
They got Pralines and Cream.
And they got Mississippi Mud.
And they got Chocolate Eruption!
And they got apple!
And they got grape!
They got grape and Super-Duper
Chocolate Eruption and...
What, what?
It's a stiff!
The door!
- Somebody's been here. Door's open.
- Shut it.
- I'm gonna leave the lights on.
- Calm down.
Pizza.
Pepperoni.
- Ma, he's eating my pepperoni again.
- You want your pepperoni?
Let's kill each other
over the pepperoni.
Put that gun away now!
You always take his side.
That's right.
Put him back.
- Okay, close the door.
- We can go, guys.
Mikey? Mikey, come on.
The fireplace is the only way out.
- You guys will never get out that way.
- What?
It all starts here.
Guys, I'm stuck with the stiff!
Stay. Stay.
Guys, come here!
He's in here! Oh, shit.
- Come on, let's go.
- Faster, guys.
- Half the pepperoni was mine.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Help! Help! Help! Guys!
- Come on, you idiots!
- Okay, Ma.
- I'll make sure it's safe.
- Shut up.
- Safe.
- Shut up and go.
Hurry up!
I'm not kidding! Look in the window!
I'll show you that piece that...
He says that all the time.
Watch your head, Ma.
- I can't find Chunk.
- Where's Chunk?
- Where's Chunk?
- Chunk's up there.
- Look at this piece over here.
- Leave it alone, Jake.
Ma, I don't want him to touch it.
I worked two hours on it...
- You worked one.
- Shut up!
Someone's been here. The cooler's
broken. Go check your brother.
- It could've been a tremor, Ma.
- I'll show you a tremor.
I'll go check the brother.
If he broke his chains, I'm not
getting any more from the zoo.
- Ma, just don't upset yourself.
- Hurry up!
Gesundheit.
I'm cold.
Chunk. Chunk, come here.
What are you doing down there?
Go get the police.
We're in serious shit here.
You gotta get the police.
Don't worry, I can do it.
Go, get out of here.
Watch it... Oh, the window.
- Did you see him, guys?
- Where's Chunk?
- He went to get the police.
- Go, the Fratellis are there.
He's getting the police. Move!
See, Ma?
There was nothing to worry about.
I knew he couldn't break them chains.
Get the body.
We've been walking forever.
How much further is it?
Mouth, you stepped on my foot.
Now I dropped my glasses.
I can't see a thing.
Oh, my God.
- I found your glasses. Sorry.
- You broke them.
You broke my glasses!
Listen, I'm the oldest,
so I'm in charge. First, we'll...
Data, do you have a light?
I said I was in charge.
Data, do you have a light?
Sure, guys. Back up, back up.
Bully Blinders!
- All right, Data... Ow!
- Isn't that neat?
One day I was walking home with it,
and two big guys stopped me...
Who is that? Oh, Stef, that's you.
Watch out. Data!
Come on, turn it off.
Oh, Data. The only problem is
the batteries don't last so long.
There's a light up ahead. Maybe we
can get out that way. Let's go.
I'm not afraid of the dark.
I like the dark. I love it.
But I hate nature. I hate nature!
Wait a sec! Hold it!
Stop! I'm just a kid!
- What seems to be the problem?
- Mister, I need a ride.
My friends and I had
a run-in with disgusting people.
You might've heard of them, the
Fratellis. We found their hideout.
Could you take me to the sheriff?
I can describe all three of them.
Will you...
What the hell? He's only a kid.
Can't you handle a kid, even?
- Does it work, guys?
- Yeah!
I can't see. Mouth, your father's
a plumber. What are these pipes?
These look like water pipes, guys.
Gas pipes.
Drainage. Maybe... Wait a minute.
Shut up for a minute!
These pipes must lead to a building
or something. A foundation.
So maybe if we bang on them hard
enough, if we make enough noise...
How are you, Duke?
- Hey, Gene, how are you?
- Great.
Reverse pressure!
Daddy!
- Let's...
- Get out of...
- Here!
- Like now!
Go, go, go!
First, we start with
the pudgy little fingers.
Then the plump little hands.
Then the fleshy arms.
Now, tell me where your friends are.
In the fireplace.
Don't lie to me!
Honestly. We found a map
over at Mikey's dad's place...
...that said there was
buried treasure under here.
Don't give us none of
your bullshit stories, huh?
Spill your guts. Tell us everything.
Everything?
Everything.
Okay, I'll talk.
In 3rd grade,
I cheated on my history exam.
In 4th grade, I stole my uncle's
toupee and glued it on my face...
...when I played Moses
in my Hebrew school play.
In 5th grade, I knocked my sister
down the stairs, and I blamed our dog.
Wait, I can't see a thing.
What am I stepping on?
Oh, brother.
Look, a lantern. Somebody must
have been here before us.
- Maybe they're still here.
- I hope not.
Look at these cigarettes.
Ten minutes ago, Troy was looking down
my shirt. Who cares? It's not wrong.
If I'd been smart,
he'd still be looking.
- Listen to her.
- What's wrong with her?
- Andy, it's okay.
- Is she all right?
I should've let him look at my body.
Don't I have a beautiful body?
You've got a great body.
How many years do I have before I
get fat? Before my hair falls out?
Before I look like him?
Then my mom sent me
to a summer camp for fat kids.
Then, once during lunch, I got nuts
and I pigged out...
...and they kicked me out!
- Look at him.
- Don't touch it, guys.
This is one of your tricks,
right, One-Eyed Willy?
You must be really hiding something
to go through all this trouble.
- There's nothing to worry about.
- You don't understand!
Don't be afraid.
He's dead for sure.
I think he's Chester Copperpot.
- Chester who?
- Who?
Don't you remember from the attic?
The news article?
The last guy to look
for the rich stuff...
...he went in,
but he never came back out.
That was back in 1935.
Oh, God. If he didn't make it out
and he was an expert, what about us?
How will we get out?
- Don't worry about it. Calm down.
- You sure?
- I'm positive.
- How will we get out?
We can't be sure it's him.
I know it's him.
I bet his I.D. Is in his wallet.
Mouth, get his wallet.
Lou Gehrig?
- You get it, Mikey!
- Mikey, get it.
It is Chester Copperpot.
- Oh, God. Come on.
- You see? I told you.
We're gonna get killed too.
Hey, look at this.
Candles.
- They're gonna kill us. We're dead.
- Where are you going?
- I'm setting booty traps.
- Booby traps.
That's what I said. I'll set booby
traps in case anyone follows us...
...like the Fratellis.
We'll hear them coming.
- Okay, hurry up.
- Good idea.
- Where you going?
- To set booty traps.
- You mean booby traps.
- That's what I said. Booby traps!
God, these guys...
Guys, look. It looks like a skeleton
of One-Eyed Willy or something.
Give me that. Give me this thing.
Oh, God! There's no way out of here.
No, don't, don't, don't, Brandon.
Hey, guys, now that we've got...
Look at this. See what I found?
Guys, freeze. Don't move.
Don't move. You guys,
don't move back there! Don't move!
- What?
- Freeze!
Run, you guys, run!
Holy shit!
Man, that was close.
Wait, listen. Sounds like
somebody's down there.
Shut up and listen.
- Maybe it's a way out.
- Or the Fratellis.
- Or Chunk got the police.
- Or one of Willy's booby traps.
God put that rock there for a purpose.
I'm not so sure you should
move it or anything.
Hello?
Bats!
Save me! They're in my hair.
Help! Rabies! Rabies!
Rabies! We're gonna get rabies!
But the worst thing I ever done,
I mixed up fake puke at home...
...and I went to this movie theater,
hid the puke in my jacket...
...climbed up to the balcony...
...and then I made a noise like this...
And then I dumped it over the side...
...on all the people
in the audience. Then...
Then this was horrible.
All the people started getting sick
and throwing up on each other.
I never felt so bad in my entire life.
I'm beginning to like him, Ma.
Hit puree.
No, I'm too young!
No! I want to play the violin!
- Not my hand!
- Do I get the truth?
Do I get the truth,
or do you get juiced?
- What was that noise?
- Fireplace blew.
The kid's not kidding, Ma.
There's a tunnel down there.
Watch your hair!
They're going for the hair!
Watch your veins, Ma!
Hey, Mikey, if you can hear me, run!
Run! They're coming after you!
Hey, if we keep going this
far down, we'll reach China.
Maybe I can go see
my auntie or something.
This could get dangerous, Andy.
- You might want to hold my hand.
- Thank you.
- Oh, wow!
- Oh, neat!
- That's beautiful.
- Look, a waterfall!
- Wow! It's a giant piggy bank!
- We're rich!
We found it!
- Gold and silver all over the place!
- It's gold, we did it!
Hold the lantern.
Coins! Rich stuff.
What year was the map made?
I don't know.
Probably a couple hundred years
before President Lincoln.
George Washington.
- Martin Sheen.
- That's President Kennedy, you idiot!
Well, same difference! I mean,
he played Kennedy once.
That's smart. I'm glad
you're using your brain.
- At least I have a brain!
- You're so stupid, Mouth.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yes.
Shut up! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
This isn't gold. This is
a wishing well. Look.
Hey, it must be the old
Moss Garden wishing well.
I used to believe when you threw
money in, it turned into your wish.
- I'll take two of your coins.
- That's not fair.
- Wait, wait, wait, you can't do this.
- Why?
Because these are
somebody else's wishes.
They're somebody else's dreams.
Yeah, but you know what?
This one, this one right here...
...this was my dream, my wish.
And it didn't come true.
So I'm taking it back.
I'm taking them all back.
Come on, One-Eyed Willy, what does
this have to do with the map?
Is this another one of your tricks?
Maybe we should keep him alive
in case he isn't lying.
Good idea, Jake. Put him in
with your brother.
Okay, Ma.
Come on, kid.
- You dropped something.
- What's that, a Cracker Jack prize?
- Shit!
- We found it on the map.
It has to do with the treasure.
Jake, look at the date on it.
This is an authentic doubloon.
Give it to me.
I told you so.
See, you guys? You never believed me.
I said there was gonna be buried...
Troy, how far you got with Andy?
All the way, buddy?
You guys are so immature. Grow up.
- Come on, tell us.
- Really.
Put it this way:
I didn't make it with her yet.
And I stress "yet."
What the hell?
- What'd you wish for?
- To make it with Andy.
Hey, who's down there?
Hey, guys, it's Troy!
Sounds like Andy.
Andy!
Is that you?
Yeah, it's me. We're stuck down here.
Please send down the bucket.
What the hell are you doing
at the bottom of a well?
Don't ask stupid questions! We're
stuck! Just send down the bucket!
See, guys? Wishes do come true.
All right, my hearties, follow me!
Don't worry. I brought you more food.
Why are you locking me in here?
- You're not too tight.
- Yes, it is.
If you get out, I'll break your legs.
What are you doing?
If you sit too close to the TV,
you'll screw up your eye.
Jake, leave him alone!
Come on! Let me out.
Hi, sir. My name's Lawrence.
Sometimes people call me Chunk.
Help! Let me out of here!
Who knows what we'll find.
Okay, let's go.
Whoa, look at this.
Look how deep it is down there.
Jake, you first.
I ain't gonna go first.
- Go!
- Can't argue with that, Ma, all right.
Troy, throw the bucket down.
Hey, you guys, I'm the smallest.
I want to go first.
Get out! I'm the oldest, so I call
the shots. Andy goes first.
Chester Copperpot.
Chester Copperpot.
Chester Copperpot!
Don't you see?
Don't you realize? He was a pro!
He never made it this far.
Look how far we've come.
We've got a chance.
Chance at what, Mikey?
Getting killed?
Look, if we keep going, someone's
really gonna get hurt. Maybe dead.
We've got to get the police.
Maybe Chunk got the police.
Maybe Chunk is dead.
Don't say that. Never say that.
Goonies never say "die"!
I'm not a Goonie. I want to go home.
I forgot. But still!
Don't you realize?
The next time you see the sky...
...it'll be over another town.
The next time we take a test...
...it'll be in some other school.
Our parents, they want
the best of stuff for us.
Now they got to do
what's right for them.
Because it's their time. Their time!
Up there.
Down here it's our time.
It's our time down here.
That's all over the second
we ride up Troy's bucket.
Andy!
You Goonie!
Spread it around.
You try to make your frosting
look rugged.
Chocolate.
Chocolate.
Want a candy bar?
Look, I got a Baby Ruth.
Sir?
Ruth, Ruth, Ruth, Baby Ruth.
I'm gonna throw it to you.
I'm sorry, sir!
I tried to give it to you.
Oh, I'm sorry!
I'm really sorry.
I'll get you a... I'll get you a...
Jeez, mister, you're even hungrier
than I am.
Booby traps. It's only booby traps.
Why you being such a sissy?
Freaking kids.
- Kids must've cleaned him out.
- Right before they ate him.
Stupid.
Follow them size fives.
Sloth.
Chunk.
Sloth.
Chunk.
Man, you smell like Phys. Ed.
Mouth, hold this. Translate this.
"Copper bones.
Westward foams.
Triple stones."
This must be copper bones.
Oh, sorry.
Wow. Look at that.
Triple stones!
We got you, One-Eyed Willy.
We're right behind you.
Why couldn't I have had a sister?
A little sister instead
of that?
No, that's too big.
Try the middle one.
- You guys are crazy.
- No, the middle one!
- It fits, Mikey! It fits!
- We got it!
- We got you, One-Eyed Willy.
- Which way do we turn?
West. Counterclockwise.
Counterclockwise.
Try it, Mikey. Try it. Yeah, yeah!
What the hell is that?
It's gonna fall on us!
It's one of Willy's tricks. Move!
- He's gone.
- Oh, no.
- Truly, truly gone.
- Don't be dead.
Pinchers of Peril. You guys, I've
been saved by my Pinchers of Peril.
He's alive! He's alive!
You guys, I'm in another room!
Hello, sheriff? I'm at
the Lighthouse Lounge...
...and I want to report,
well, a murder.
Wait a minute. Just hold on here.
Is that you again, Lawrence?
Sheriff, look, this time I'm telling
you the truth.
I'm locked inside the Fratellis'
basement with this guy.
Rocky Road?
Like the time 50 Iranian terrorists...
...took over the Sizzler
steak houses?
Sloth, get back here. Hold on.
Sloth, what are you doing?
Like the prank about creatures that
multiply when you throw water on them?
Sloth! Sloth!
Sloth's going into the fireplace!
Lawrence?
- No, Sloth, it's just your echo.
- Echo!
No, I'll show you!
Don't go down there!
It's all dark down there, Sloth.
It's your echo, Sloth. Echo.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Pee break. Who's got to go?
- Me.
- Me.
- Me.
- Me.
Me.
This is the little boys' room and
that tunnel's the little girls' room.
Let's go.
Brand, where you going?
This is the men's room.
- Where you going?
- The men's room, Mikey.
Yeah, we're going to the men's room.
Yeah, Mikey's been through here
all right.
Andy, this is not the time
nor the place.
Believe me, I know what I'm doing.
Brand! Brand!
Go see what she's ragging about,
will you?
Brand? Hurry, I'm in here...
...with my eyes closed.
- Wrong way, lover-boy. It's this way.
- Thanks.
Okay, you kissed, now tell.
There's something weird.
What? What is it?
Does Brand wear braces?
Why are you laughing?
Stef, it was beautiful.
Next time, kiss him
with your eyes open.
It's a whole different experience.
Be careful. There's a hole, I think.
I think Brand was standing in it.
Ma, after we dump the kids, how do we
get out? I ain't left no trail.
They're right around here.
I can smell their bubble gum.
Ma, look. Give you three guesses
who left this rope.
You all right?
What, are you crazy? They're here!
They're here? They're here.
They're here!
Quiet. Right down there.
This way. This way! This way!
Come on, right through here!
Let's go, follow me. Data, come on,
don't fall behind. Let's go!
Come on!
- Watch your step, Ma.
- Watch your own.
Oh, God.
- What is this?
- Keep going.
- Oh, great.
- It looks like a boat mast.
Jerk alert!
Somebody's coming.
You there, Ma?
Hurry up.
- Data, hurry up!
- Don't be a fool, Data, come on!
- I got a great idea. Slick shoes!
- Slick shoes? Are you crazy?
Data, come on!
Good enough. I can see
their flashlight!
Hi, fellas. Remember me?
Stop or I'm gonna shoot!
- You'll start a cave-in!
- What do you think that was?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hurry up with that flare!
It's pitch-black!
- Do you have a match?
- No.
I'll light it on the lamp.
- Cross now!
- Wait a minute!
- Don't push, Jake!
- I'm not!
Sweetheart, are you okay?
No.
These are all solid. Look at this.
All solid.
What is that?
It's disgusting.
Wow.
Gnarly.
That's atrocious, you guys!
Help him! Help him! Hurry up!
What are you doing?
Stop playing around! They're getting
away! What's the matter with you?
"To move on, play the tune...
...as each note is said.
If you make too many mistakes...
...ye will surely be...
- Be what?
...muerto."
- What is that? Come on.
- Dead.
Oh, God!
We gotta play the bones
to get out of here?
Exactly.
- They're on the bridge.
- Hurry up!
- Look! There are notes on this.
- Andy, you took piano lessons.
- I was 4 years old.
- You want to live to be 17?
- Hit it!
- What're you doing!
Finding middle C. This isn't
like my mother's Steinway.
Do something, hurry!
This first chord, I think, is...
Go on, Andy!
My God, it's working!
You did it!
- Way to go, Andy! Way to go!
- It's all coming back to me. Okay.
A.
- C sharp, D.
- Remember the lessons, play it right!
They're coming, guys. They're
down there! They're coming out!
- What should I do?
- All right!
They're coming.
Guys, they look really pissed off!
- What were you thinking?
- I hit the wrong note.
- I'm not Liberace, you know.
- Listen, you're doing fine.
Andy, I believe in you.
Goonies always make mistakes.
Don't make any more.
Where was I?
A, A flat.
Hey, you guys, they're gone!
They're not here!
I can't tell if it's an A sharp
or a B flat.
If you hit the wrong note,
we'll all be flat.
Oh, my God!
Let's go, you guys!
Oh, my God!
Give me the gun. Give me the gun!
Let's go!
- Brand, wait!
- What?
- What are you doing?
- The map!
Let's get out of here!
Damn it!
Oh, shit!
Geronimo!
- Are you okay, Mouth? Andy?
- Are you okay, Stef.
What?
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, wow!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God!
- Follow me.
- It's too...
I can't do it, Mama.
Idiot!
Hold on, you guys.
The water's really shallow.
You okay, Data?
You really think there's a treasure?
Andy, this whole ship's a treasure.
Mikey, look!
Don't worry. It's just a skeleton.
There's gotta be gold.
Data. Data's okay.
Data's okay.
Data's quite tired of falling!
And Data's tired of skeletons!
- Why didn't you use the stairs?
- Use the stairs!
Stairs!
The stupid guys tell me to use
the stairs when Data's falling.
- If Data's hurt, nobody cares anymore.
- Data's okay.
Then some guy tells me
I have stupid inventions.
I've been spending
months and months...
...studying on them
and inventing them. God!
- Don't touch that.
- Why not? He's dead.
- Have some respect.
- Put that down.
How many ships were there?
- Billions.
- Billions? Billions?!
Watch where you step, all right?
Don't slip. Don't...
Mouth, translate.
Translate nothing. It's a sketch
of the cannonball chamber.
Where's the gold?!
Where's the gold, Mikey?!
I'm tired of these games!
I set off another trap.
Oh, God! I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Are you guys okay?
Oh, my God!
It's Willy.
Break through.
- What's up there?
- It's all right, Brand.
- Just give me a second.
- Okay.
I know how these guys must've died.
It's Willy. One-Eyed Willy.
Hi, Willy.
I'm Mike Walsh.
You've been expecting me...
...haven't you?
I made it. I beat you.
I got here in one piece so far.
That's why they call you
One-Eyed Willy, One-Eyed Willy.
We have a lot in common, huh, Willy?
You know something, Willy?
You're the first Goonie.
Hi, guys.
How's it going? This is Willy.
One-Eyed Willy.
Say hi, Willy.
Those are my friends, the Goonies.
How long have you been there?
Long enough, Mikey. Long enough.
What are you staring at?
Let's go, load up!
Anything that fits in your pockets.
Except that.
- Why?
- That's Willy's.
Save that for Willy. Anything else.
Bye-bye, marbles.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Hurry up! Those creeps are
still after us.
- That's right! What will we do?
- I don't know. Who cares?
- I got an idea.
- What is it?
I saw it on The Hardy Boys.
We leave a trail of jewels
into one cave...
...and we hide in another.
When the Fratellis go into that cave,
we make a run for it.
Now that sounds like a great idea!
- Outside!
- Okay, this is war!
- Data, don't do anything!
- No!
I said, outside!
- We won't be taken alive, matey!
- What do you mean "we"?
Get Data!
It's not funny! She's got a gun!
Come on, snap to.
- Oh, I love that.
- Come on!
Sneaking up on me, huh?
I know what I'm doing.
I'm all right.
Data's just unhappy.
Pinchers of Power.
- Get it off me!
- Let me help you, brother.
- My gun!
- That's it!
All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Let's go!
Empty your pockets!
Hurry up, empty your jewels! Come on!
You're so quiet all of a sudden.
Aren't you called Mouth?
Oh, my God.
Is that all?
Oh, my God.
You gross old witch.
You want to play pirate?
We'll play pirate. March!
- Keep going, smarty.
- I can't swim with my hands tied.
We'll play pirates. Walk the plank!
Get out on that plank.
- Say goodbye to your little friends.
- Brand!
Get out of the way.
Two down. Who's next?
Ow, will you stop pushing me?!
- You're pulling my hair!
- You get that girl away from me.
Go join your friends, you weasels.
Hey, you guys!
Sloth! How'd he get out?
Sloth, save them!
Save them, it's Mouth and Stef!
- Chunk.
- No, it's Captain Chunk.
Give me the sword.
Captain Chunk says let's get the hell
out of here!
The rope.
Jump rope, Slothy.
- What do you mean, "jump rope"?
- You know, jump rope.
We're in deep shit now.
Oh, shit.
- Remember we went to the Bronx Zoo?
- Don't start that.
- They wanted to leave you. I said no.
- We never been to the Bronx Zoo!
Remember how they bought Francis a
toupee instead of fixing your teeth?
- I don't wear a hairpiece!
- You rotten bastard!
Here, grab on to the rock. Come on.
What happened to your braces?
Mikey, that little...
Heave-ho!
- I won't sing no more.
- Just put us down safely!
I won't sing anymore.
Hey, you guys!
Mama.
Come to Mama, baby. Come on.
Ma...
...you've been bad.
Slothy, I may have been bad.
I may have kept you chained in
that room. But it was for your good.
Remember? I sang to you.
When you were a little boy.
Fall!
Break!
Fall!
I only dropped you once.
Well, maybe twice.
Put me down.
- I don't mind dying.
- Calm down.
- We'll be okay.
- Sure.
I gotta rot with you through eternity?
I don't want to rot with you!
Sloth, this is the guys.
Guys, this is Sloth.
Brand, we can't go. We can't leave
all that gold. That's our future.
If we stay here, we got no future.
We'll come back for it later.
- All that rich stuff.
- Come on!
Mama, just let us down easy.
Not the sword!
Don't do that, we're gonna...
- You all right?
- Yeah. You?
Yeah.
Will you get up?!
Let's go find the gold.
Head for the light.
Thank you, Mr. Willy.
Thank you.
You've made my day.
This is a real treat.
What the hell is this?
- Another one of those booby traps!
- Booby trap!
Get out of here!
What booby traps?
Booby traps!
Didn't you see the movie?
Leave it. Let's get out.
Look, you guys, daylight.
There's been a cave-in before.
Maybe we can get through.
I can't see. Got a light?
I got the last candle. Mikey, get it.
Is there a way out or what?
This is a funny candle. It sparkles.
- It's not a candle, it's dynamite!
- Dynamite!
Women and children first!
- You guys, push.
- Push.
What about the loot?
What about our lives?
Can you do it? Come on, hurry.
Go!
Hurry up.
Sloth! Help us!
Sloth love Chunk!
I love you too. You'll get crushed.
Sloth, help!
Come on, Sloth!
Well, I'll be damned.
It's them goobers.
They weren't here a minute ago.
- But they're here now. Call Harvey.
- Yes, sir.
- Here!
- Over here!
Get the camera.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
I guess we're kind of in deep sh...
Look, you're a mess.
- Look what we brought you.
- Oh, pizza!
- Your favorite.
- Everything's on it.
- We were in the tunnels.
- It's good to hear your voice.
- I lost my glasses.
- It's okay.
Can I take piano lessons?
- You'll get ammonia.
- It's pneumonia, Ma.
Get these pants off.
Hold it right there.
That's great, Dad.
Just watch this.
I just wanted to say thank you...
...for offering to save
my life and everything.
- What, what, what?
- I wanted to say thank you.
Wow. "Thank you." A real moment.
Your voice is kind of nice when
your mouth isn't screwing it up.
Yeah, well, thanks.
And you know, your looks
are kind of pretty...
...when your face doesn't screw it up.
I'm just kidding.
Hey, Mikey.
You know, you're a great
little kid... Person.
You keep kissing girls
the way you do...
...the parts of you
that don't work so good...
...they'll catch up
to the ones that do.
- What?
- Let her mother worry.
Oh, who needs it?
It's the Fratellis!
- Thank God you're here.
- We need your help.
You're all under arrest. Let's go.
Don't shoot him!
- Look out, kid.
- No! Don't shoot him!
Get them out of here.
You don't know what you're doing.
These are the bad guys!
Those are the bad guys!
Put him down, Sloth.
Put him down. It'll be all right.
Come on, Mama.
You have no idea who I am.
You want to lose your job?
You're gonna live with me now.
I'm gonna take care of you.
Because I love you.
- I love you, Chunk.
- Oh, I love you, Sloth.
Walsh, today's the day,
so let's get this over with.
Irving?
- I'm sorry, Irene.
- Come on, we don't have all day.
There's 50 houses
to tear down after yours!
- Ease off, Brand.
- Punk!
Sheriff, I want you to witness this.
Sorry, Dad.
We had our hands on the future.
But we blew it to save our own lives.
Sorry.
That's all right. You and Brand
are safe with your mom and me.
That makes us
the richest people in Astoria.
You're looking at the richest people
in Astoria. Now sign it.
I'm sure gonna miss being a Goonie.
What's she saying, Mouth?
- No pen.
- No pen?
No write.
No sign!
Don't sign!
- What's in the bag?
- What is it?
Dad! It's my marble bag!
The Fratellis forgot to check it.
I put the jewels in it.
We don't have to leave the Goon Docks!
There'll be no more signing today
or ever again!
Are those jewels real?
How'd you find them?
Were your lives in danger?
- The octopus was scary.
- Octopus?
- It was dangerous.
- Walking the plank was scariest.
Walking the plank?
- Then we found the pirate ship.
- That and the pirate's treasure.
- We were chased by the Fratellis.
- That's enough.
- Telling more stories, Lawrence?
- No, this time it's for real.
How do you think we got the gold?
Holy Mary, Mother of God.
- Look at that.
- Oh, my God.
Folks, we're at Cauldron Point...
...and what appears
to be a pirate ship...
Bye, Willy.
Thanks.