# Now once upon a time
They sang the vo-dee-o-doe
# But that was long ago
# Then everybody started in
To boop-boop-a-doop
# They got tired of that, you know
# But the tune for you and me...
Very unnecessary.
# ls that swinging symphony
# They called it inka dinka dee
A dinka doo a dinka dee
# Oh, what a tune for croonin'
# lnka dinka dee a dinka doo a dinka dee
# lt's got the whole world swoonin'
# Eskimo belles up in...
Let me hear those trumpets.
That's not a trumpet.
That's not a trumpet.
That's a trumpet.
# lnka dinka dee a dinka doo a dinka dee
# Simply means a dinka dee a dinka doo
# lnka dinka a dee a dinka doo
Let me hear my symphony!
What a band!
# lnka dinka dinks
A dinka dinks a dinka dee
# lt's got the whole world swoonin'...
I'm walkin' down the street...
I'm walkin' down the street...
[high-pitched elongated notes]
Tell me, Mr James,
now, just what did you accomplish?
# lnka dinka dee a dinka doo a dinka dee...
# Eee...
That note was given to me by Bing
Crosby. And was he glad to get rid of it!
# lnka dinka dee a dinka doo #
Boys. Time to get up. Come on.
It's Saturday. We've got to get going.
- Where are we going?
- We're going to see my uncle Joe.
What? I don't want to go to Uncle Joe's!
- Come here!
- I don't wanna go!
No, I want to watch my cartoons!
It's Saturday!
You can't make us! We don't wanna go!
- Stop it!
- No, we don't wanna go!
We'll be good! We'll eat anything.
We'll clean our room. But no Uncle Joe.
Come on.We don't have time for this.
- Leave us alone!
- You wouldn't hurt Daddy.
- It's still pretty early, Carl.
- I want to get there first.
If we dont get there first, whoever does gets
there first talks about you before u get there
until there's no point you even being there.
Which reminds me. Try to bring up
my cousin Tina's drinking.
- She's your cousin.
- You're better at it, more subtle.
[buzzer]
Carl and Nora McTeague.
Welcome to hell.
- Are we first, Douglas?
- Indeed, sir.
No one else had the presence of mind
to be three hours early.
- May I take your bird, madam?
- No, thank you Douglas, we'll give it to him ourselves.
- Would u care to wait in the drawing-room?
- Thank u.
- There was another car out front. Who...?
- Dr Hemmel is with your uncle.
Ooh, anything wrong?
Your uncle has some congestion and
he was coughing most of the night, sir.
What kind of cough? Was it dry or liquidy?
I mean...
It was just a cough, sir.
Next time I'll save you a sample.
[plopping sound]
He'll really like the bird I think.
- It cost us $400, Carl.
- You have to spend money to make money.
- Oh, my heavens!
- Yolanda, what's wrong?
He's dead!
One minute the doctor was examining him
and he say he was fine, and then...
- He's dead.
- Come quickly!
Yes!
- [boy] Are we rich?
- [Carl] Maybe.
Oh, my God.
[Yolanda wails]
Yolanda, go clean something.
Stop that!
It's Dr Hemmel!
Of course it's Dr Hemmel.
He used to brag how he got up at 5am
to play racket-ball at 71 years old.
You don't hear him bragging now.
[Uncle Joe chuckles]
Truth be known, we are so relieved.
When Yolanda came in screaming,
we thought...
Well, all I can say is we're glad
you're still with us, Uncle Joe.
- You look thrilled.
- We are. Especially the boys. Joe and Joe.
Look, another little Joe in the oven.
Here's a doctor's note to prove it.
- You look nice, Nora.
- Thanks, Uncle Joe. So do you.
- Why don't we just cut the cable?
- It's too thick. Come on.
Did you hear that? He said you look nice.
- I think that's a good sign. Dont u?
- I don't know what to think.
Carl, I want a girl, honey.
All right. I swear, after he's dead
we'll have a girl, I promise. OK?
Uncle Joe?
Wanted to tell you about something.
You should see how Big Joe...our Big Joe,
what a head for business he has
at nine years old.
He organised a lawn-mowing company
with fourth-graders.
He's preparing himself in case he has to
take over a big business some day.
So you're interested in money, huh?
Uh-huh. Made ten bucks just coming here.
I get another 20 if I kiss you.
I'm thinking about it.
All right.
That's it.
- What happened? Is he...?
- Coronary. He died instantly.
- Really? You mean just...?
- And he left everything to you, sis.
- Really?
- It wasn't him. It was Dr Hemmel.
You son of a bitch.
- You wish it was the old man, don't you?
- I did. Now I wish it was you.
- How are your girls, Ed?
- Yes, we have girls. You know why?
We wouldn't put Ed's sperm in a centrifuge
to separate the X's from the Y's!
Excuse me brother, no matter how much
Uncle Joe is worth,
there is a line below which we will not go.
Jolene, Joette? Let's go in, girls.
- We saw an ambulance!
- Dr Hemmel died.
Ah.
[makes flatulence sounds]
Dennis, why don't you go and sit
at the kids' table?
Make me.
- Are you retarded?
- Not according to the tests.
You just sit here and shut up.
[starts again]
- Yolanda!
- It's all over the place!
He has a cold, Uncle Joe.
He didn't want you to get sick.
Ed, your girls knocked over some milk.
Well, Uncle Joe, I guess
you'll have to find a new doctor.
What for? Doctors, medicine.
Who needs 'em, huh uncle Joe!
You know who you should talk to
about this? Glen.
This man keeps himself in shape. It's discipline.
I exercise for a couple of weeks, that's it.
I cant stick with it, I admire you Glen.
Well, you know...
Will you be able to fit all your exercise equipment
into your new apartment?
Frank!
- What new apartment?
- Glen and Muriel are separa...
You're keeping that a secret. I feel horrible.
- I could cut out my tongue.
- Here's a knife.
- No, really, I'm...
- You split up?
No.
- No!
- No!
- Then why...?
- It's...
You know I'm starting that new business?
Well, it takes a lot of time and energy,
and when I'm with J... Muriel, I just...
I am so crazy about her
that all I can think about is...
- You know.
- Yeah.
So I thought I'd move out for a while
and I'd be able to get some work done.
[flatulence sounds]
Anyway Glen it's nobody's business what you two do.
I mean you have no kids. You're both barren.
Frank, I almost forgot to ask you.
How is Tina's hit-and-run case coming?
- Hit-and-run case?
- Yeah.
You remember when Tina got drunk
and ploughed into that school bus?
Ploughed? She just scraped paint off it.
The brakes failed. Everyone was fine.
The kids, the nuns.
I just thank God she wasn't in one of
those little sports cars like your girlfriend's.
- They're death-traps.
- What?
His girlfriend drives a Chrysler.
Big blue one.
She's not my girlfriend!
She's an instructor at the gym. I met...
I left my gym bag at the gym
and she was bringing it back to me.
I guess you have time to notice
these things Ed now that you're not working.
What happened?
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
There was sort of a little cutback at Ed's place.
They let go of some of the employees
that were...
Selling company secrets and selling them
to competitors. Pass the butter, please.
That's a lie and I'll prove it in court!
- This Friday, right?
- We got a continuance.
The court dockets were too filled
with drunk-driving cases.
I skidded on a wet spot!
- Somebody get her a drink.
- A drink? Somebody get her a barrel.
Please everyone. Why must this happen
every time we get together?
Can't this man have peace?
Hasn't he earned it?
Delivering newspapers when he was four years old,
his little toes frozen because he didnt have any shoes.
- It's all right.
- No, its not alright. It's like we've lost our sense of values.
Maybe it's not mine to say, but
Nora and I... Come up here, sweetie...
and Joseph and Jonas and little Josiah
on the way...we lead a simple life.
We have each other,
and I ask u what the heck else is there?
Joe-Joe, I'm just going to the market.
Oh!
Molly! Come here.
These are my nieces and nephews.
Everyone, this is Molly.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Douglas said you wanted to see me?
- If you're going to the market we are out of Oreos?
We wouldn't be out of Oreos
if somebody hadn't eaten the insides
and tossed the rest away,
you naughty boy.
I'm old and rich.
I'll eat whatever parts I want.
- If I want to eat the goddamn box, I will eat the goddamn box.
- Who wound you up today?
- Better give me some money, then.
- Here.
Take an extra hundred.
You might see something you want.
You are such a dear.
- I'll see you later.
- Bye.
Toodles!
These are good melons. Yeah.
Sweet, juicy.
- Uncle Joe?
- Mm?
- Who...?
- Mm?
- Who...?
- Oh, that's Molly. She's living here.
Housekeeper? Secretary?
Well, not exactly. She's sort of...my nurse.
- Nurse?
- Yeah. I decided I wanted a nurse.
Someone to ease my suffering.
An agency sent her?
No, she delivered a pizza one night
and we got to talking.
Turns out she'd like to be a nurse, so...
Yeah, she helps out in various ways.
She's become very special to me.
[cheering]
Yeah!
[inaudible]
Good...
See u later.
Thank you, Fred.
Hello, everyone. I'm Chris Schenkel.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
On behalf of the Pro Bowlers Tour,
we'd like to thank all the good people
of Milwaukee for their support.
The top five qualifiers tomorrow
will begin play at 2.30.
Shit.
[female] You do this every time!
You ruin every vacation we have evr been on.
- [male] Shut up!
- [female] It's always the same ''Let's drive a little further.''
[female] Then there's no place to stay
and we wind up in a shithole like this!
This is...this is unbelievable.
Everywhere I stay, I'm next to this couple.
[crockery smashes]
Not literally them,
but people just like them.
- It's like a franchise.
- [male] You made my life a living hell!
- [female] Kiss my ass!
- [male] That would take all night!
[door slams]
Oh, God.
You know, this is really stupid.
ABC gives me a suite at the Marriott
and we're at the Bates Motel.
Let's get out of here.
Honey, you know
I get embarrassed at your hotel.
Everyone always says, ''How's a schlep
like McTeague afford a room at the Marriott?''
''Oh dont you know he sleeps with Robin Hunter,
the producer of the telecast.''
''Really? He must screw better
than he bowls.''
I do, don't I?
I can't take it, Robin. I can't do it any more.
What?
- I'm giving up bowling.
- Why?
My wrist. It's a pre-arthritic condition
and it's not going to get better.
- You saw a doctor?
- No, Al the janitor at the bowling alley examined it.
He seemed to know what he was talking about
and took me right away.
Of course I saw a doctor!
I don't know. Cincinnati's
the last tournament of the season.
I'm just going to bowl there and...that's it.
Sweetheart.
I'm sorry.
I just wish for once
I could've finished in the top five,
gotten on the national telecast just once.
That would have been nice.
- What are you going to do?
- Well...
some guys offered to make me a partner
in this new bowling centre.
They offered me 25% interest
for a 10% investment, 'cause I'd run it.
It's a good deal.
- It's great.
- Only I don't have the cash.
- They want 300,000.
- Phew!
So then I thought
maybe I'd be happy teaching.
Yeah?
Only, then you'd always
make more money than me.
Who cares about crap like that?
If you're happy being a teacher,
then that makes me happy.
That's it. That's all there is.
Her name is Molly Richardson.
She's 24 years old. She's English.
She came over here two years ago
as a nanny for a couple named Holcomb.
When Mrs Holcomb eventually fired her,
Mr Holcomb attempted to kill himself.
Oh God.
She bounced from job to job:
bikini model, physical therapist...
- We're dead.
- ..until she started delivering pizzas.
It pays to have skills.
She moved in with Joe about three weeks
ago and she's been there ever since.
As a nurse?
She seems to spend
most of her time swimming.
- In the nude. Here are some pictures.
- What?
- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.
- Are they having sex?
- Grow up. What do you think?
She's going to get everything.
That's the way these old guys are.
Tough as nail biggest son of a bitch in the world:
she touches his shrivel old noodle
and his brains turn to frozen yoghurt.
You would know.
She'll marry him, screw him six feet
into the ground and get everything.
That's our money, damn it and no English whore bitches
is gonna screw us out of it.
Are they sleeping together?
Is there proof?
- I need more time.
- They're humping too quick to get pictures?
- Let's get a better detective.
- How do we know you're any good?
She wass good enough to find out you were fired
and that Glen left Muriel.
Listen. My guy knew about Tina's accident
while the car was still spinning.
Yeah? Look at these pictures she got
of Glen and that gym instructor.
Yeah.
That's not me.
It looks like you
and that's all that matters.
- Use your gun!
- Glen, cut it out! Come here. Stop it.
Stop it!
Don't you see what's happening here?
Yeah, you're out of Scotch.
Oh, Tina, go lie down.
We caused this. All the backbiting
and the greed and the detectives.
We've made each other look filthy.
Now it's come home to roost.
Not one of us has the credibility
to convince Uncle Joe that this girl
is just after his money.
It's not our fault! It's his.
Sweet old Uncle Joe.
We were all decent people
till he got his hooks into us.
Except for Frank.
Frank was always a son of a bitch.
It's true. Uncle Joe does this to us.
He pulls our strings and makes us dance.
He's the devil.
Every time you draw a line in the dirt
and say, ''No farther,''
he draws one an inch farther
and you say, ''Why not?''
''I've come this far already.''
Then you look back
and can't even see where you started.
Why don't we all stop here?
Let this bimbo have his money.
Isn't our self-respect
worth more than any inheritance?
No.
Ed, we're just people. Nobody could
walk away from that much money.
Daniel did.
Who's Daniel?
- Our cousin.
- What happened to him?
He called Uncle Joe a mean, greedy, cruel,
grasping, evil, manipulative old man.
- We all did.
- But Daniel said it to his face.
Grapes.
- What?
- They were having grapes.
Daniel started screaming
about oppressed migrant workers.
Joe said the workers could
go screw themselves in Macy's window
and Daniel let him have it.
I'll never forget it. Remember the look
on the old man's face?
He died a little that night.
Daniel went away. He just went away.
Took his wife and son and...
Man, did we hate his son.
- How come?
- He was so cute, you know?
You wanted to smash his little face in.
- Where is he now?
- In Brazil or somewhere,
saving the rainforest or shit like that.
His wife died a few years ago,
and young Daniel's some kind of athlete.
- A bowler, I think.
- Could we find him?
[crowd cheering]
Excuse me.
Wayne, come here. What's happening?
I've never seen him like this.
He's in the zone.
- Where does he stand? What's...?
- Right now, fifth.
- You mean he could be on TV tomorrow?
- Looks that way.
- Yeah.
- I am on fire!
- You're fifth.
- I know!
If I tell you something,
will you be nervous?
- No way. I'm in the zone.
- OK.
I can turn the telecast
into an enormous break for you.
I can build a whole show around you.
''Cinderella Man''.
Even if you lose the first match.
Chris will interview you,
you'll be funny, charming...
Next year you could be wearing
an ABC blazer.
Ooh, I got a chubby.
You've got to finish no worse than fifth.
I'm in the zone. I'm up.
[girl in crowd] Come on, Danny!
Ha!
[crowd goes wild]
Yes!
[crowd] Oh!
- [man] Come on!
- [man] What's he doing?
- Danny.
- It's nothing. I just lost my line a little.
- Petraglia just finished with a 289.
- What? So?
So you're still OK.
You're still fifth, but it's close.
- All right. So what do I need?
- OK, last frame.
- You need a mark and a three count.
- Strike or a spare?
- And a three count.
- OK, I got it. I got it. It's OK.
Get 'em, Danny.
He seem nervous to you?
You couldn't pull a pin out of his ass
with a tractor.
[crowd] Oh!
When they lose this long,
they don't know how to win.
Come on, Danny!
[hushed crowd]
Yeah!
[man in crowd] Damn, baby!
That's what I'm talking about! All right.
All right. Just three more pins.
- Yeah. I'll be...
- Danny.
I'll be right back. Then we'll celebrate.
Urgh!
[crowd gasps]
Oh, my God!
[Danny] Aw!
Feeling better?
- I'm going out to get some more liquor.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
Really? I think it's a great idea.
- You're in your underwear!
- So now I can't go out in my underwear?
- Danny...
- What?
Just because you're very succesful and I'm
a miserable failure,you think you can tell me what to do?
Let me tell you,
Miss High-Powered Network Big Shot
Don't I Look Hot In My ABC Blazer,
I am still a man!
And if I want to go out in my underwear,
I am going out in my underwear!
If I want to go out with no underwear,
I'm going out with no underwear.
- You got that?
- Go ahead.
OK, I guess we know who's boss, huh?
- Honey I think you need a doctor.
- Why don't you just say it?
- Say what?
- You know. ''Danny, you blew it.''
''You choked u gagged You had it and you lost it!
It wasnt your wrist Danny. You just never had the guts to win!''
- What a shitty thing to say!
- I didn't say it.
- You're thinking it.
- Well, yeah, I'm thinking it!
You hit a car.
You could have killed somebody.
The way I bowl?
You know,
I never regretted a moment until tonight.
All those years of losing...this was
the first time I've felt like a loser.
Come here.
Come on.
OK.
Great. Now I'm impotent.
- We just kissed for two seconds.
- Usually we're showering by now.
[knock]
That's probably the manager.
Who are you?
- Daniel McTeague?
- No shit. That's my name, too.
No. I'm Laura Dinsmore.
I'm a private detective.
You're a detective?
Great. Help me find my pants.
- Mr McTeague.
- Just a minute.
Do you have any pictures where
she's leaning over a saddle looking coy?
Is your father still in Brazil?
- Dad?
- Yeah.
No, that was years ago.
He's been in Ethiopia, Chile, Uruguay.
He was with the Kurds for a while.
Wherever there's injustice,
you can find my dad.
You see, you two have never met him.
He's a great man, but he...
When I was a kid, he gave away
my toys to the poorer kids.
Not just the broken toys,
I mean the good toys.
Then he'd want me to be happy about it.
The family was thinking, if your dad
would come back try to make up with Joe...
Look, my dad hated these people.
He said they worshipped money
above all things, especially Uncle Joe.
- They're just...
- Why don't you go back?
If you could help in the situation, and you'd share
the inheritance, with whichever relative got it.
Oh, please.
What, I'm going to become like them?
Kiss up to my uncle and wait for him to die?
No, I'd rather run naked into Limey chick
that got the money. Sorry.
No. It's nice to meet an honest man.
Especially in your family.
Oh. Sorry about your car.
That's all right, it's a rental.
If you change your mind, give me a call.
- Night.
- Goodnight.
- You coming inside?
- He taught me how to bowl.
Who did?
- Uncle Joe.
- Really?
What do you think, honey?
Should I go back there?
- Well, I mean, if you hate him anyway...
- No, I don't hate him.
No, my dad hated him.
I was just a kid. He was really nice to me.
Well...
Who am I kidding?
I was thinking of going back
to see my uncle because I...
I thought he might loan me money
for that bowling alley.
People borrow money
from relatives all the time.
- But my family...
- You know you're a decent person.
Just decide what you want to do
and don't beat yourself up over it. OK?
Maybe my relatives have changed.
Maybe they're not so ridiculous any more.
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday, Uncle Joe
# Happy birthday to you #
- Happy birthday, sir.
- Blow 'em out...
Where are my presents! I like presents,
especially from people who love me.
And who would that be?
We've got something very special for you.
- I said cut the crap!
- Come on.
- I can see your panties!
- Stop it. Right now. Come on.
- Get off!
- Cool it!
- Why don't you listen to me? Shithead.
- Stop it. Both of you.
A movie? I haven't liked a movie
since De Mille died.
- You'll like this one.
- Yeah?
- Should the kids leave the room?
- No, no. I'll get the lights.
- Leave it alone!
- Would you stop it?
Come on, guys, sit down.
- See, I told you.
- Shut up!
Tell me more. Tell me
about what's happening in Asia.
Remember this party? You hired
those people to come in and film it?
We shouldn't have advisers there.
We'll get into a full Asian land war.
You're such a beatnik, Daniel.
Sandals and white socks, that's you.
The French, they knew when to get out.
Hitler swapped them a bottle of wine
for their country.
They took it. They...
Why are you filming this?
l'm not paying you to film this. You...
Where's my special boy?
- Where's Uncle Joe's special boy?
- Here l am, Uncle Joe.
Carl, get in touch with reality.
Where's Little Danny?
Where's my special little boy?
l'm right here.
There you are.
Here, film this. This is why l hired you.
You gonna do Durante?
- Yeah.
- Good boy. Come on.
[as Durante] # lnka dinka doo
A dinka dee a dinka doo
# Oh, what a tune for croonin'
# lnka dinka doo a dinka dee a dinka doo
# lt's got the whole world...swoonin'
# Eskimo belles up in...
[ as Durante] Stop the musicl Stop the music.
Folks, l want to welcome you
to my Great-Uncle Joe's 50th birthday party.
Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha
Remember, Uncle Joe...
# Start off each day with a song
# Even when things go wrong
# You'll feel better, you'll even look better
# l'm here to tell you you got to be go-getter
# 'Cause you know that you can't go wrong
# When you start off each day with a song #
- Yeah.
- Yeahl
Good boy.
Uncle Joe,
here's our present.
- Who the hell is this?
- It's Danny.
Danny Junior. We found him for you
for your birthday.
- Danny?
- Uncle Joe. Happy birthday.
Little Danny!
Hug him. Go hug him.
Stop the music, huh?
- Hey!
- Hey.
What a present!
- Is your...?
- What?
- Are you alone?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, let's go break the pinata.
You can do it! Come on, get him!
Hit the pig!
Douglas looks the same as he did
This is his son.
- Come on, Douglas! You can do it!
- [Uncle Joe] Keep going.
So your cousins found you and brought you here, huh?
Yeah, it was their idea.
I wonder what made them
suddenly decide to do that.
Don't know, huh?
- I couldn't...
- They tell you about Molly?
Yeah.
- Yeah, they did.
- [Molly] Come on, you can do better than that.
She's your new nurse, right?
She's more than a nurse.
She's a...companion.
- What do you think about that?
- Hey. You worked hard. You're entitled.
What do you really think?
I think it's ridiculous. I mean, I'm watching
you, you can barely wear your hat.
Douglas, stop playing around
and fetch me a beer.
My pleasure, sir.
What are you two talking about?
I was telling Danny about Molly.
How important she's become to me.
I've been thinking that she's the person
in the world who's become closest to me.
The person I'd most like to see have
some happiness, some good fortune.
But seeing Little Daniel again
has made me think about...family.
After all is said and done,
maybe family comes first, mm?
Molly! What do you think?
Does family come first?
I suppose it depends on the family, really.
How wise.
How deep, how pithy.
Family, friends...who can choose?
- Know what I'd like?
- [all] What?
I'd like Danny to do Jimmy Durante for me.
- Yes!
- Yeah, come on!
- That would be just so happy-making.
- Yeah.
No.
Jesus! This is pathetic.
- Shut up and do Durante.
- You do Durante! This is demented.
This wasn't such a good present after all.
Molly, honey. Let's go inside.
Your family's here.
They all want to be with you.
But I'd rather just be with you.
All right, then.
First let me get some sweeties.
- Danny, are you married?
- No.
- Girlfriend?
- Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
Bring her around tomorrow. Two o'clock.
We'll go swimming.
Swimming. Great.
I feel like a goddamn tea bag.
Sorry, sir.
- Let me ask you, Robin.
- Yes, sir.
- Do you ever produce basketball games?
- I will, next season.
You know what I hate?
When the camera's on the stands
on some moron
and his face is painted blue and white,
and I miss a basket.
- So do I.
- Danny. And you?
You going to bowl the rest of your life?
Hit the senior tours?
Actually, I've given up bowling.
I have this injury.
Oh, yeah, it's a rough sport.
I was going to go back to college.
You know, get a teaching degree.
You'll never make
the same money as Robin.
We've decided that that's not important.
Right.
- Douglas!
- Yes, sir?
Much obliged, sir.
May I go and change now, sir?
- You can go dance the hully-gully for all I care.
- Thank you, sir.
Yeah, I know, teaching's
a wondertul thing. Very noble.
You've been bowling ten years,
that leads to nothing?
- You just throw those ten years away?
- Well, I...
What?
I have this opportunity to invest
in a bowling centre. It's an excellent deal.
- But I'm...
- Short of money.
Yeah.
- How much?
- It's $300,000.
[whistles Durante tune]
Danny, come in the pool.
Ah... Just...
Ph! Pah!
- Is this salt water?
- Yeah. Helps me float.
This belt's not enough.
I can't use my legs.
Tell you what,
I'll wrestIe you for the money.
- What?
- I'll wrestle you.
If you win, I'll give you $300,000.
If I win, you owe me nothing.
[nervous laugh]
Show that girlfriend of yours
what you're made of.
Yeah, definitely. I'm gonna beat up
an elderly crippled man
and she's gonna say, ''What a catch!''
- Can your feet touch?
- No.
Good.
[cries out]
- Danny?
- Come on, bowler!
- Help me! Oh, man!
- Joe-Joe, that's enough. Let him up.
Help!
[Uncle Joe screams then Danny joins in]
- I win the first round. Two out of three.
- No!
You heard him. He quit.
Where is he?
- You OK?
- Get me out, honey.
Jesus! You got the grip of a bear!
And I like to win.
Yeah, well.
I'll give you the money.
- You mean like a loan?
- No, no, no. It's yours. A gift.
You're different from the others.
You're better.
And for all the times you made me laugh.
# lnka dinka dinka dinka dink #
Uncle Joe, this is... I don't...
- Still see your father?
- What? Oh, yeah, sure.
I bail him out of jail, we make a day of it.
- Strange man.
- Well, yeah, strange, sure.
But with principles he believes in.
I want you to call him from here.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's really great. Because it's been
too many years, and it's silly...
Tell him you came to me for money
and I'm giving it to you.
You realise he was wrong and I was right.
And you need what I've got
more than what he's got.
Tell him and I'll give you the money.
Robin, we're leaving.
You know there's something
sicker about you than your legs?
How about you, Molly?
Wanna wrestle?
Douglas!
[thunder]
- You had us worried.
- About what?
Well, we put Uncle Joe to bed
and we realised how late it was,
and we got concerned about you.
Monday nights l go to this news-stand
to get the new TV Guide for Joe.
He likes to get it early so he can
circle everything he wants to watch.
Does he circle your ass?
You really are a stupid sod, aren't you?
l'm going to bed.
Uncle Joe was sprawled out up there.
You might want to push him to one side.
- You think l'm bonking the old gent.
- Yeah, we do.
Let me tell you something, handsome.
lf l were having sex with your Uncle Joe,
he'd be dead by now.
Yeah, that's right. You're just his nurse. Huh!
Yeah, l believe that. Excuse me a second.
Ha-ha-ha!
l'm no more a nurse
than you are a human being.
l'm here because l'm fun.
And l'm fun to look at.
l don't mind, because l like it here.
l like the car, l like the house, l like the comfort.
My life hasn't always been very comfortable.
Also, l like your Uncle Joe.
He's tough, he's funny and he's nice to me.
But l'm not a whore.
And if he asked me to sleep with him,
l'd leave. Goodnight.
lt took you one day to get rid of Danny.
one day, thats pretty lmpressive, but that is not our last move!
Move?
You mean Danny's part of you?
- Up until now we've been nice.
- But these are the finals, honey.
- We're diving for every ball.
- What?
l didn't like the Beatles and l don't like you.
- You know, you're insane.
- Listen! People have accidents.
- What?
- Frank, what are you saying?
l'm saying people have accidents,
that's all.
- Got you, boss.
- OK.
Here.
- Take over.
- Yes, sir.
- You still work here.
- l love this place.
Who wouldn't?
Well I am here. What do you want to see me about?
Okay short and sweet. l figured you came back
sucking around for money,
that you were like the others.
Maybe you're not.
So l apologise. OK?
Go home now.
God, that was lovely.
l'm getting a little weepy.
You're still a funny kid.
Not as cute as you used to be, though.
Yeah, well, you're no Monet yourself.
Well, l lived in the streets till l was 20. What do
you expect? l was homeless before it was popular.
Can we go inside a second?
l'm sorry that after all these years
l even brought up the subject of money.
l didn't mean to.
Maybe l did. But anyway, l'm sorry l did.
Still want the money?
Jesus, you don't let up.
Look, money's money, OK?
l need it just like everybody else.
But money is not going to turn me into
a sycophantic ass-licking wacko.
l have work to do.
Thanks for coming over.
Before you go,
could you get me a cup of water?
lt's hot in here.
Yeah, OK.
Hello? Long lsland Hauling?
l got a load sitting out here for a week.
Fieldstone 855...
What?
What do you mean, they're out of business
Joe?
- Joe?
- 25 years.
Should l go get someone? Are you...?
- l'm going to get someone.
- Danny!
- Stay here.
- Are you all right?
l have gaps. Lapses. l...
- How often?
- More lately. l'm hurting the business.
What? No, l mean, l'm sure...
lf your cousins find out,
they'll take me to court.
They'll declare me incompetent.
They'll pick me clean like buzzards.
They'll put me away.
l have an idea. Lock the door.
Quick!
Get a chair. Come on.
- lt's really my lawyer's idea.
- OK.
He says that l can turn all my affairs,
give everything over to one person now,
before this gets worse, which it will.
Someone l trust who'll take care of me,
who'll take care of the business.
You understand?
Yeah.
l don't want to go into a home.
l wouldn't let that happen.
- You wouldn't?
- No.
You understand? This person
gets control of my money now.
Not when l'm dead. Now. All of it.
Yes.
l'll do it. l'm going to call my lawyers,
set up a meeting for next week.
l'm going to sign these
and turn everything over to Molly.
Right. Because l...
- To Molly?
- Yes.
She's been so kind to me.
Nobody's ever been so kind.
- You're giving everything to Molly?
- Yeah. Who did you think l meant?
You thought l meant you.
No! No.
- But Molly?
- You think it's a mistake.
l don't know, l...
l want to make love to her.
- Joe.
- lf l did this, she...
she'd make love to me. Don't you think?
Joe, look.
A lot of women will make love to you
for a lot less of money.
No. l want her.
This doesn't sound so good to me.
l just don't think that you're being...
l just don't think that you've had time
to think this through.
l'm so tired of thinking, ''Who should
l trust? Who's not just after my money?''
Danny, help me. l'm exhausted. l...
Maybe l should leave all the money to you.
Well, why don't...?
Why don't we talk about this later? OK?
All right.
ln the meantime, l think it would be best
if you just don't do anything.
All right.
l'm so tired.
Get Douglas to take me home.
l'll be right back.
[commentator]
Throws and shoots...and scores!
Gimme the guy in the stands
with the blue and white face.
That's good. Hold it. Take it.
lt was the saddest thing you ever saw.
This tough old guy just so shrivelled up.
Dick, get ready to throw to a commercial.
Honey, l'm concentrating.
- Coe scores!
- You missed the basket!
Dick, sign off and go to commercial.
- Music!
- [assistant] We're a minute under.
You missed the basket
for the guy with the painted face.
Wait a minute. Who's directing this,
you or me? Let me check.
That's my ass!
That's my ass in the director's chair!
Shit! l must be the director!
- Stan, we're back in 20.
- No, it's OK. This guy'll do it. Here you go.
Slide right in here, slugger.
Get me a wide shot, then zoom in.
Get outta here!
l'm just getting the hang of this.
- lt was nice meeting you and your ass!
- That's nice.
Give me another shot of the painted face.
What a pinhead.
l have to work with that pinhead,
so l'll meet you at...
l just wanted to tell you that
l'm moving in with Uncle Joe for a while.
Really?
Honey, l gotta keep an eye on him.
He's not all there.
He's thinking of giving
that naked pizza girl $20 million.
Yeah, that does seem wrong.
But who should get it? Your cousins?
God, what a crew. Klingons.
Well, he sort of mentioned that he might...
- What?
- That he might give it to me.
l'm not taking it that seriously.
That's not why l'm going over there.
l'm just... l'm worried about him.
Still, it's a funny idea, isn't it?
You, me. Married.
Living in that big house.
Yeah, it's funny.
[# Steve Wood:
Money Slips Through My Fingers]
Don't forget, you owe me a dollar
for the shoes.
Anyway, as l was saying,
my lawyer says l can turn
all my money, everything,
over to one person. Now.
- You understand?
- Yes.
- l don't want to end up in a home.
- You won't.
l'm gonna call my lawyer and
l'll set up a meeting for next week
and l'm gonna turn
everything over to Danny.
Danny?
lt was his idea. Who did you think l...?
You thought l meant you.
- No. No, l just...
- Molly, what would people say?
How would it look?
What do you really know about this bloke?
You haven't seen him in 25 years.
He shows up here
wanting money for a bowling alley.
l don't know. l don't know who to trust.
Maybe l should leave all my money to you.
Joe-Joe.
Yes!
- Did you see that?
- Yeah.
Excuse me. You have a call
from Washington DC, sir.
l'll take it upstairs.
You stay here with Danny.
Talk. Enjoy yourself.
Let's go, Douglas.
You're working for your cousins,
aren't you?
Wait a minute. How? Who?
They let it slip out the other night
before they threatened to kill me.
They did what?
Tell your cousins l'm not afraid of them.
And you leave Joe alone.
You keep your breasts off his eyebrows.
- Hey, you little...
- Get off!
- Come on!
- Mommy!
lt's good.
What's happening, Wonder Boy?
l mean, look at this.
Her tongue is practically in his wallet.
What are you drinking?
lt's a 7-Up. l'm not much of a drinker.
You will be.
There's something l wanted to ask you.
- Did you go and see Molly and...?
- No.
Let me finish. All right?
Did you go and see Molly
and threaten to kill her?
What? You see how evil she is?
You see what we're dealing with?
Why, we... We went to her to ask her
if Joe's taking his medication.
You know, for his...circulation.
She said, ''That's for me to know
and for you to worry about.''
She said that?
Then l said, ''l could kill you for that.''
OK, now you know the truth.
God. First couple of days l was here,
she seemed so nice.
That's before she saw you as a threat.
We should have him declared incompetent.
Throw him in a home.
- A home?
- You know, for his own protection.
l hear things at the scrapyard.
There is something wrong with him.
He screws things up, he makes crazy deals.
He forgets deals he's made.
Danny have you noticed anything, anything
we could use to put the old man away?
No.
Keep your eyes open. And for God's sake
do something! That's what you're here for.
Joe? Joe!
Joe.
Here, have some water.
Cough it up.
Joe, drink some water!
[Molly] Joe.
That's it.
Piece of fruit.
She tried to kill him. She knows he has
a narrow gullet. All the McTeagues do!
Shut your mouth.
She's the only one who helped me.
l tried to help you, Uncle Joe,
but Carl stopped me!
- Liar!
- Happy birthday, Uncle Joe!
That was last week.
You people are...
Come on, Molly. l've lost my appetite.
l've made a decision.
Here l am, Uncle Joe.
[as Durante]
Hello, folks. This is Jimmy Durante.
Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!
# Inka dinka doo a dinka dee a dinka doo
# Oh, what a tune for croonin'...
- Danny.
- No, honey.
# Inka dinka doo a dinka dee a dinka doo
# It's got the whole world swoonin'
- Danny.
- Stop the music! Stop the music.
Everybody wants to get into the act!
Remember, Uncle Joe...
# You gotta start off each day with a song
# Even when things go wrong
# You'll feel better, you'll even look better
# I'm here to tell you that you'll be a go-getter
# 'Cause you know
That things can't go wrong
# When you start off each day with a song...
Just those in wheelchairs!
[both] # Cause you know
That things can't go wrong
# When you start off each day with a song
Big finish!
# When you start off each day with a song... #
Ha-cha-cha-cha!
You're something.
Robin. Hey. Where you going?
l'm just a little ''lnka-dinka-do'd'' out.
What, do you think l enjoyed that?
A week ago, you said it was pathetic.
Now you're singing, dancing
and sliding down a banister?
Honey, she's a vixen.
She's not giving him his medicine,
she's gonna get his money
and dump him in a home. l know this.
So it's not the money, it's your uncle.
Exactly. He's opened up his heart to me,
you know.
We've rekindled something
that we haven't had since l was a kid.
l mean, we got a bond growing here.
Danny, l love you and l believe in you.
But isn't everything you're telling me
a big crock of bubbling shit?
- No.
- lt's just the money.
- lt's not.
- Mr Daniel.
Your uncle has requested another chorus.
- Come with me. Just leave.
- All my stuff's here.
- All my clothes.
- l've seen your clothes. Just leave.
Shall l tell him you're coming, sir?
lt's not the money.
[Danny as Durante]
He's back! Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!
- More wine, sir?
- No, thank you, Douglas.
- ls the chicken Kiev satisfactory?
- lt's excellent.
Could you tell the cook that tomorrow
l'd like to have broiled salmon again?
- Very good, sir.
- ls my uncle going to swim today?
He's not at home, sir.
He took the shuttle to Washington.
- Business trip.
- Yes and no, sir.
- What does that mean?
- He took Miss Molly along.
He did?
Yes. He had me book
the honeymoon suite at the Coolidge Hotel.
Honeymoon?
More wine, sir?
This is a matter of life or death.
These are Mr McTeague's pills.
l have to get them to him in two minutes
and 45 seconds. l need the room number!
l'm sorry, sir.
Mr McTeague was very specific.
No one is to have his room number.
- l'll see to it that he gets the pills and...
- No!
No! No, you don't understand.
These pills only work if l give them to him
myself. lt's a very rare condition.
Excuse me, sir.
Does this say ''moron''?
l will leave him your message.
Would you like a room?
l'm his nephew.
- Oh, his nephew.
- Yes.
Because he gave specific instructions
not to give his room number to relatives.
What's the matter with you? Do you
not care about this hotel's reputation?
There is an old man shacked up here
with a very young girl.
Sir, most of these rooms have old men
with young girls. This is Washington.
All right, listen, pal. Just give me...
..a room. A cheap one.
Of course.
[Uncle Joe] Come on, Molly. Drink up.
[knocking]
Yeah, come in. lt's open.
Right there.
- Leaving?
- Yeah.
- Where's Molly?
- She's taking a walk.
We had a fight.
Nothing serious, l hope.
Be honest. Do you think Molly
would even like me if l wasn't rich?
Look, l don't want to say
anything against her.
But like you say, let's be honest.
How many girls like that
are with poor old guys?
- Take some towels.
- What?
Take some towels for the money
they charge here, you should take everything.
l'm trying to figure out a way
to get the bed out of here.
You are some piece of work,
do you know that?
She's a good kid.
That's why she can't...
She can't...
can't just get herself to... You know.
You mean you two didn't...?
No.
You know, l never believed
that anyone could love me for me.
How could l,
when my own mother didn't?
She didn't?
She left me and my brother at a...
..at a home in Albany when l was three.
No note, no nothing.
Never asked about us.
Never said, ''l'm sorry.''
Your mother has to love you.
Right Danny?
So even if no one else does,
she has to, doesn't she?
Well, if my own mother
couldn't love me, l...
I...
l love you, Uncle Joe.
You do?
Yeah, l do.
Take me home, Danny.
[Robin] Danny what do you mean
he's throwing her out of the house?
Honey, just wait a second, will you?
- Danny!
- Honey, l had no choice.
It was an emergancy, she wasn't going to bring him back
till she got what she wanted.
You mean until she got what you wanted.
Honey, it's not like that.
Look, Uncle Joe and l, we talked.
l mean, we really talked.
He's been in Washington.
Some military contract.
- Oh, yeah?
- I brought him back today and
we're going to go and see his attorneys.
From now on, honey,
l'm going to be responsible for him.
l'm gonna be here with him,
and...you know.
Rich.
- What about your cousins, you made deal?
- My cousins are animals!
They would put him in a home
if they could.
l'll take care of their children,
you know, give each kid
like a scholarship or something,
but my cousins forget it, don't deserve anything.
- You bastard!
- Frank what are you doing?
- Frank, no!
- Whatever happened to ''Hello''?
- We heard every word.
- What did you do? Listen outside my door?
- Always.
- l had no idea how sick you guys were.
- Come spend a day with us.
- l'd rather shove this up my ass.
- l'll do it.
- You're playing a lone hand, huh? Are you double crossing us?
- First of all, l never agreed to anything with you.
l only said was I'll visit my uncle, see
how things were and let me tell u something.
l saw, and it made me sick.
- You bastard.
- l like it better when she said that. I think it's the accent or something.
- l thought l'd find you here together.
- We're not all together.
Right.
Do you know, l thought
you were different than the others.
But you're no different, you're exactly the same.
l am looking out for my uncle, OK?
l am looking out for his welfare.
Bullshit. They were willing
to wait until he died.
But not you, you're going to eat him raw.
- Wait a minute. Danny is not like that.
- Try to remember something, OK?
ln the long run, nobody likes a tease.
You are a cheap,
chiselling, low-life hustler.
- [Carl] You said it!
- Well, it takes one to spot one.
- Stop it!
- Great!
Now you stop it,
after she gets in a shot.
l'll give you half a million dollars to leave.
Cash. Soon as l get the money.
Better than delivering pizza,
even in a good year.
She gets half a million dollars and we get a couple
of lousy scholarships? That's not fair!
No, l will give you half a million dollars
and you leave.
You'll give me half a million?
l'm getting it all!
He sees right through you.
You're a walking fish-tank, baby.
- You and your tan tushy can...
- l'll sleep with him.
What?
- What, you're...you're gonna...?
- As soon as he gets back from work.
l'll give him a right good one.
You... See, it wouldn't...
He wouldn't be interested in that.
lt wouldn't even matter.
lt'll matter. l'll make it matter.
# Inka dinka doo #
Molly.
Do you know that both of my daughters
are named Molly?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. You think she'll do it?
Yes, l do.
You've given her no choice.
She'll do it just to beat you.
Oh, Jesus. You think it'll work?
A young girl with a body like that?
There'll be nothing left of him
but a smile and an old hat.
Welcome home, Joe.
Hello, Molly.
[inaudible]
l'm tired. l'm going upstairs.
Uncle Joe!
Wait!
Sir, will you need my assistance?
No, Molly will assist me.
Oh, l see. Very good, sir.
Let's go.
Sir? May l ask for a reference
before you go upstairs?
Not now, Douglas.
Goodbye, sir.
Uncle Joe, wait! Please wait.
- l have a surprise for you.
- Danny, don't.
Up we go.
His face! Did you see it?
l've never been in one of these before.
[Uncle Joe] Hang on!
Molly, let me say something.
No. Don't say anything.
- A little young for you, ain't she, Joe?
- Who's there?
Hi, Joe. lt's been a long time.
- lt's Daniel.
- Daniel?
- What are you...? You got so old.
- You're no Monet yourself.
Molly, this is my cousin Daniel.
Danny's father.
Danny asked me to come.
He's got a real regard for you.
He made me think that maybe things
are different than the way l remember them.
But they're not, are they?
lt's still the same.
God, this place still stinks from greed.
Those who have it...
and those who want it.
Dad!
- Hello, Daniel.
- You came! That was great of you.
- l'm leaving.
- What?
God. They're all still here.
First your parents, now you. He'll outlive
your children and leave them nothing.
You wanna lighten up?
You know who ruins this world?
The greedy. That's it.
They have it. l want it.
l have it. l want more.
That's the real pollution. Greed.
You know who l think ruins the world?
Pompous, self-righteous, holier-than-thou
middle-aged fanatics in pony-tails
who give away their kids' toys!
- He's got you too, huh?
- No, he doesn't have me.
- Can't the truth be in between?
- No!
One way is all right,
one way is all wrong.
His way or my way. Pick.
- Dad.
- Pick!
- You are just so...
- Pick!
All right, then l pick him.
At least he doesn't take himself
so goddamn seriously.
l'm leaving.
Why?
l can't believe l was almost
going to screw the old boy for money.
l suppose maybe l've always
been here for the money.
Christ, l make myself sick.
l have to get out of here.
l understand.
You'll take care of him, won't you?
Of course.
You're not going to put him in a home?
Never.
Bye.
Hey. You OK?
Yeah.
God, that was some scene
with your father. l just...
What?
That wasn't my father.
What?
That was an actor.
My father wouldn't come here on a bet.
- So you just...?
- lt was my only shot, honey.
He wanted me to pick him over my father.
Yes, and you said you never would.
l didn't. l picked him over an actor.
- Don't touch me.
- What?
- Hey. Come on. What's the matter?
- Danny.
You dropped your compass in the woods
and you're lost.
l'm not lost.
- You don't see how sick this is?
- No!
- Who got hurt?
- The truth got hurt. OK?
lntegrity, self-respect,
decent human behaviour got hurt.
l will be good to him.
Tell me who else will be as good.
- That's not the point.
- No, that is the point.
We've been through a lot together
and l think l've been pretty loyal.
Honey, you've been great.
But if you touch one cent
of your uncle's money, we're through.
- What are you, crazy?
- l mean it.
lf you take any of that money,
l will have no respect for you.
Jesus! You sound like my father.
No, l sound like the actor
who played your father. Enjoy your money.
- Daniel McTeague Junior.
- Here.
Your great-uncle has chosen,
for reasons l assume he's explained,
to transfer to you all his assets,
including full control of his commercial,
personal and financial affairs.
My boy. My good boy.
l would like to give you a full picture
of your great-uncle's holdings.
The McTeague Scrap Metal Company,
comprising scrapyards, trucking...
Excuse me.
Uncle Joe, there's something
l'd like to explain to you.
First of all, when l came
to your birthday party that time,
l had no idea this was going to happen.
l wasn't after your money.
l know that. That's why l love you.
Joe. l have to tell you something.
What?
l'm...
going to take such good care of you.
You're a good boy.
ls that it?
- Yeah.
- Well, that was lovely.
As l was saying, the McTeague
Scrap Metal Company, comprising...
- Stop! Sign nothing!
- What the hell is this?
Oh, my, my, my.
lf deceit has a name, it's his name!
Daniel, is it true? ls everything
these gerbils have been telling me true?
Dad.
Dad?
Yes, Dad. Daniel McTeague Senior, his father.
His real father, not the actor he hired
to come to your house last night.
Danny.
They told me that, Daniel.
ls it true?
Yeah. lt's true.
You hired an actor to pretend he was me,
and then pretended to fight with him?
And told him
you preferred Uncle Joe to me?
Well, when you put it like that,
it sounds kind of bad.
l know we've had our differences.
And l know you think l'm strange.
No. No, Dad.
l am. But l've always respected you,
Daniel. Always.
l've always felt you had real character.
Ha-ha!
- Does money mean this much to you?
- No.
l didn't go and see Uncle Joe
for the money.
We made a deal. lf he kept the money
in the family, he'd get a cut. Right?
- Yes, but...
- Then he double-crossed us.
Because they're scum! They're greedy!
We're greedy? We were willing to share.
Dad.
l don't know what happened.
l just got...sucked in.
First one thing didn't seem wrong,
then another, until...
Nothing seemed wrong.
l know. That's why l left.
- How are you, Joe?
- l'm still eating grapes.
- Uncle Joe.
- Save it.
OK, Joe. Bare knuckles, toe to toe.
We've spent 20 years eating your shit
and saying, ''Mm! Delicious.. what a cook.''
No more. We've hired attorneys.
lf we don't get our share,
we'll get you declared incompetent.
And we'll win,
because we found out things.
You've got toys in the attic. Broken toys.
And we'll hammer on you
until you cave in. Understand?
- Or is your mind already gone?
- All right!
Sit down. All of you.
- Uncle Joe...
- Quiet.
Go ahead.
As l was about to say before the circus came to town,
your uncle's holdings at their peak
held a net - net, mind you -
financial value of just under $25 million.
At the moment, however,
he is $95,000 in debt.
- Wait a minute. He's...?
- ln debt beyond the value of his assets.
The room, is it doing this?
l fear this has come as a shock to you.
No. Shitting a sailboat, that's a shock.
This is a fucking catastrophe!
The trip to Washington
was not for a military contract.
lt was to work out an arrangement
with the lRS to keep Joe out of jail.
That has been accomplished,
but everything is lost.
Plus some arrangement
must be made for the 95,000.
How the hell do you lose $25 million?
lt's easier than you think.
l overextended, made loans,
some claims the government wouldn't allow.
- The penalties were...
- Hold it. l don't believe this.
lt's another one of his tricks.
A little test!
l will put you in touch with the lRS.
They'll give you a full accounting
as well as the lovely brochure for the auction.
- Auction?
- They're taking my home.
Damn it! Stupid, stupid!
We played along!
We should've stepped in five years ago!
Two would have been enough.
You stupid, pathetic old man.
Goddamn it Frank! One more word out of you,
l'll kick your ass so high up
you'll take off your shirt to shit!
Come on.
Come on, bowling boy!
Stop it!
Frank, cut it out!
- Stop! l've got a metal plate in my head.
- You do?
No!
- That's enough.
- Get security to the conference room.
That's enough. Get over here.
Meathead!
You're insane, you know that?
Me? For five years, l begged you,
let's put him in a home!
No, you didn't want to. You didn't have
the balls! None of you have any balls!
Frank?
l've been waiting to do this a long time.
Stop it.
Come on.
- l want them out of here!
- lt's all right!
We were...
We were just leaving, anyway.
- What do we do now?
- Nothing!
We wait around and dance at his funeral.
You're still here.
How long have you known you were broke?
About a year.
A year.
So this whole time you were...what?
Schmucking with me? Every second.
Danny, please, l had to find out,
I had to know who'd take care of me
when they found out l had nothing.
And care will be required.
Your uncle's condition is degenerative,
and whoever assumes control
over his finances
must oversee the liquidation of his assets,
be responsible
for the outstanding balance,
and, of course, there's our bill.
We will need you to sign these papers.
lf you'd just told me the truth.
l mean, l'm not saying
l'm a perfect guy or anything,
but then maybe l could have felt
some compassion, some responsibility.
Just the truth!
The truth is, l'm an old guy.
l'm broke. l need help.
Not now! Then.
Now's no good.
Now's too late.
l crawled. l begged.
l lost my girlfriend.
l hate that you did this.
Danny, l had to.
l had to find out who loved me.
- Who...
- Nobody. Nobody loved you.
Why should they?
What's there to love?
What about you is there to love?
l want a camera on the kid's father
when the kid's shooting the free throws.
lf he misses, the expression
on the dad's face is another Emmy.
Find the dad.
- Mike, go back.
- Hey!
- Stop!
- Girlie, if you don't sit down...
Will you shut up a second?
[man] l'll meet you over there.
What happened?
Uncle Joe was broke.
- Come on.
- Broke.
No, not just broke. ln debt.
Everybody pushing and shoving,
and all the time the trough was empty.
When did l get so obsessed with money?
When did that happen?
l mean, you've known me for years.
l was never like that.
Was l?
No.
- What's going to happen to him?
- Uncle Joe?
l assume my cousins will hang him.
No, really.
Really.
l don't know. l don't care.
You don't?
Allow me to face up to it.
l wasn't there for him.
l was there for the money, boom.
That time when you told me about the scrap yard,
he told you how scared he was to go into a home?
You told me you felt sorry for him.
l did.
But don't you see? lt was an act.
He was putting on an act.
- Anybody would have felt sorry for him.
- Even your cousins?
[workman] Make sure you get
plenty of padding on there!
Put it in last.
Douglas. Douglas.
Where's Uncle Joe?
l couldn't say, sir.
l'm no longer in your uncle's employ.
- What are you talking about?
- He can no longer pay my wages.
Wages?
Don't you care what happens to him?
Very droll, sir. Most amusing, sir.
- Watch your back. Coming through.
- Where is he, in a nursing home?
Out of the question. He can't afford it.
Hey. What...? What's he going to do?
He can go dance the hully-gully
for all l care. Good day, sir.
[doctor being paged over tannoy]
Where's your hat?
Went in the auction. A buck's a buck.
Your lawyer told me you were here.
What are you doing in the hospital?
l didn't feel good, stupid.
Why else do u go to a hospital.
- But a county ward?
- lt's all l can afford.
lronic, huh?
l'm right back where my mother left me.
You call me stupid. Work your way up
from nothing, from the street,
you piss it all away.
Did you just come to cheer me up, or what?
- Come on. Where's all your crap?
- Huh?
Your crap. Your stuff.. Your cloths.
They didn't bring you in naked, did they?
- ln my bag.
- All right, come on, let's go.
- Where?
- What, suddenly you're particular?
You're coming with me.
Robin and l are getting married.
We decided to adopt you.
- You and Robin...?
- We wanted to start a family anyway.
At least this way
we know what we're getting.
Signed you up for Little League.
Don't embarrass me.
My son.
Okey-doke. Watch your fingers.
Hi, honey, l'm home!
Look what the stork brought us.
- Hi, Uncle Joe.
- Hello, Robin.
Danny bought me a hat.
Smart choice.
Well, this is my place,
and l think we'll all be very comfortable here.
- Would you like to see your room?
- Sure.
- Great.
- Here we go.
There's a bed coming, and furniture.
We can squeeze this stuff into our room.
- What do you think?
- l don't like it.
- Robin went to a lot of trouble here.
- Sorry. l don't like it.
Well...we could trade rooms.
Come here.
Danny and l will stay in there
and you can have this room. How about that?
l don't like it.
lt's probably temporary.
ln a year or so, Danny and l will buy a house.
l won't like it.
He's great, isn't he?
He's like corn
that gets stuck in your teeth.
You keep sucking on it to get it out
but you can't!
l'd like to go back to my mansion.
l love my mansion.
Oh, God.
Try to understand, OK?
lt's gone.
Everything is gone.
You don't have your house.
You don't have your money.
You don't have the scrapyard.
You don't even have your hat.
Look out the window.
Go ahead.
- You're not broke, are you, Uncle Joe?
- l am richer than shit.
Your attorneys, them hauling
your furniture out of your house...you sitting in that ward?
You put on a show for me.
The lawyers and l put on a show for you.
l knew that guy wasn't your father.
Think l'm an idiot?
And do you think l'm stupid enough
to lose my money?
But why? l mean, why would you
make something like that up?
l had to know who really loves me, huh?
l found Molly. l like her, she's a nice kid.
Well, shall we go?
l want you two to live with me.
Not just live with me.
Whatever l own, you own.
What's mine is yours. Ready?
- l don't know what to say. lt's...
- No. No, wait, no!
You can't do this to people.
You can't lie and fake and manipulate.
l won't accept that.
- So you don't want to live with me?
- You didn't let me finish.
Just this once,
l'm going to let you off with a warning.
Thank you.
But you got to promise us,
no more deception.
No more games. No more lies.
You promise?
l promise. Now, come on, let's go.
# The best things in life are free
# But you can keep them
For the birds and bees
# Now give me money
That's what I want
# That's what I want
That's what I want
# That's what I want, yeah
# That's what I want
# Your lovin' gives me a thrill
# But your lovin' don't pay my bills
# Now give me money
That's what I want
# That's what I want
That's what I want
# That's what I want, yeah
# That's what I want
# Money don't get everything it's true
# What it don't get, I can't use
# Now give me money
That's what I want
# That's what I want
That's what I want
# That's what I want, yeah
# That's what I want
# Aah, now give me money
# Money don't get everything it's true
# What it don't get, I can't use
# Oh, I want money
That's what I want
# That's what I, that's what I want
That's what I want
# That's what I want, yeah
# That's what I want
# Yeah, give me money
That's what I want
# A whole lot of money
That's what I want
# I wanna be free
That's what I want
# A whole lot of money
That's what I want
# That's what I want, yeah
# That's what I want
That's, that's what I want now
# What I want
Oh, money
# That's what I want
Oh, give me some of that money
# That's what I want
That's what I want
# That's what I want, yeah
# That's what I want
# Money don't get everything it's true
# Ooh, that's what I want
# Money don't get everything it's true
# Ooh, what I want
# That's what I want, yeah
# That's what I want
# Give me money
That's what I want
# A lot of money
That's what I want
# Give me money
That's what I want
# A whole lot of money
That's what I want
# That's what I want, yeah
# That's what I want #