- I used to have a happy
life, full of promise.
I was moving across the country
with the love of my life,
starting a dream job,
living in my favorite city,
(notification whooshes)
but then it happened.
They never took me off the group text.
(screaming)
(notification whooshes)
(eerie music)
I asked them time and time again
to take me off the thread,
and every time, they agreed.
But then they'd forget,
(notifications whoosh)
and I'd have seven GIFs of Real Housewives
saying, "Bitch, please!"
Even when my phone was on silent,
I knew it was there, taunting me.
I would know that it was
using all of my data,
and I don't have unlimited data!
Data is finite.
(eerie music)
I couldn't leave the thread because
fucking Cheryl had an Android,
so I tried living without a phone.
But then, my boss fired
me for being unreliable.
(eerie music)
I tried to get Verizon
to change my number,
but instead, I accidentally
burned the store down.
(notification whooshes)
(eerie music)
Unfortunately, my ultra-protective
case saved my phone.
(distorted "Never Gonna
Give You Up" by Rick Astley)
And that's how I ended up on the run.
(funky music)
Now I have to find them, the monsters.
(woman screams)
(intense music)
And make them take me off the group texts.
(intense music)
(notifications whoosh)
I'm back.
(eerie music)
(notifications whoosh)
(intense music)
(notifications whoosh)
(phones smashing)
(notifications whoosh)
- Not my Samsung!
(notification whooshes)
(notification whooshes)
(bright music)