1
(ominous electronic music)
(traffic roaring)
- [Young Man] Oh, what a drag.
I'm being on featured on "Cops"
twice.
(bar crowd chattering)
- [Barkeeper] Kissy ass, it's
too hard.
(bar crowd chattering)
(rhythmic techno music)
- Damn, she's a mad slut.
(young woman giggling)
- [Brad] Ooh.
(ominous electronic music)
- Oof, ah.
(van door closing)
(van door closing)
(ominous electronic music)
(van ignition firing)
(tires squealing)
- No.
(seat belt clicking)
(engine revving)
(tires squealing)
(engine roaring)
(tires squealing)
(Brad thudding)
(Brad groaning)
(tires squealing)
(tires squealing)
(Brad groaning)
- [Brad] What the?
(canister thudding)
- Ow!
(tires squealing)
(Brad and Dylan coughing)
(taser buzzing)
- Hey.
- Get out.
(taser buzzing)
(Brad and Dylan groaning)
(ominous electronic music)
(van doors opening)
(van door thudding)
(Meg coughing)
(Meg sighing)
(taser buzzing)
(suspenseful electronic music)
(bell chiming)
(generator whirring)
(bell chiming)
(suspenseful percussive music)
(bell chiming)
(bell chiming)
(introspective electronic music)
(bell chiming)
(bell chiming)
(Meg gasping)
(breath whooshing)
- And we've got action.
(coffee mug clattering)
(smelling salt package rustling)
(Meg sniffing)
(Meg sighing)
(bell chiming)
(Meg sighing)
(glass door sliding)
Oh, you stupid fucker.
And so it begins.
Surprise.
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.
Rise and shine?
Yeah, no good.
I hate wakey wakey and
rise and shine, too.
There's really no good
phrase to start the morning
unless you're a morning person.
I guess you'd be fine
with any old greeting.
You a morning person, Brad?
Don't need an alarm clock,
you just wake up with a gleam in
your eye
and a pep in your step,
ready for a brand new day?
Yeah, I bet you're one of those
people.
(snorts) Not this guy, though,
am I right?
Needs his beauty sleep.
(smelling salt cracking)
Isn't that right, Dylan?
(Dylan coughing)
You need a good nine to 10
hours before you start your day?
(Brad sniffing)
- Help!
- Uh, help!
Help!
Come on, we almost had a
good harmony going there.
That was nice.
Yell all you want.
There ain't nobody out
there but us chickens.
- What the fuck?
- Yes indeed, what the fuck.
That is the question.
So glad you finally asked.
- Yeah, what the fuck?
- Yeah, the question's
already been established
by your buddy here.
- What the fuck?
- It's been established.
- What the, what the fuck is
this?
- So here's your "what the
fuck."
You're both gonna help me
answer a really big question.
You've been selected to be a
part
of a truly important study, an
experiment.
(Dylan groaning)
(breath whooshing) Oh, my
God, I'm so sorry, Dylan.
I knew that words like
experiment or study
would make you agitated.
- Fuck you, bitch.
- Good one.
I won't use words like
study or experiment anymore.
We're gonna play a little game.
- Holy shit, what is this?
- Oh, shit, what?
- My legs, I can't feel my legs.
What did you do to my legs?
- Yeah, what did you do to my
legs?
(electricity sizzling)
(Brad and Dylan yelping)
- Okay now, everybody just calm
down.
You're asking a lot of
questions, and rightfully so,
but we've gotta have some order
if anything's gonna get done
around here.
You haven't even given me a
chance
to address your concerns.
- Well then, start answering,
you bitch.
- Yeah, bitch.
(electricity sizzling)
(Dylan yelping)
- God, he's so much worse than I
imagined.
- What's your deal?
- Let's get on the same
page here, shall we?
Very good, now.
Ask me a question, just one.
- Who are you, like for real?
- Yeah.
- I'm your abductor.
- Great, and what should
we call our abductor?
(Meg laughs)
Sorry, abductress.
- General rule to live by,
when going to a bar and
trying to take a girl home,
it might be considered rude
to not even have a clue
as to what her name is.
- You were taking us to your
place.
- My name's Meg, but that's not
important.
Next question.
- Where are we?
- Deep end of an empty pool
in an empty neighborhood.
Next question.
- Which neighborhood, where?
- Not important.
- Fucking bitch.
(electricity sizzling)
(Dylan yelping)
- Do go on.
- What is this?
- A study, an experiment.
I already told you that.
- Ask her if she'll let us go.
- Have you, have you maimed me,
maimed us?
Will I walk again?
- (laughing) Oh God, no
(laughing).
No, no, no, I didn't maim you.
I, this isn't one of those long
stings.
In fact, let's just say
that we'll be done with this
by the time the sun drops
behind that hill over there.
We'll be done one way or
another.
That much I promise you, next?
- Why?
- Fancy Pants! (laughing)
(electricity buzzing)
(Dylan squealing)
- And?
- Know him?
- Sure, Aaron.
- Orin.
- Orin, whatever, so what?
- And who is Orin to you, Brad?
- He's a kid at school.
- Who is Orin to the two of you?
- He's just some kid.
- Just some kid?
In the interest of brevity
and moving this soiree right
along,
I'm gonna read some brief and
blatantly painful excerpts
from Orin's journal.
- Who the fuck keeps a journal
(laughing)?
- October 8th, last year.
My ear continues to ring
from the punch I took
from Dylan in the hall today.
December 5th, last year.
Brad and his bulldog, Dylan,
are transferred out of my gym
glass.
This is big news for me as it
means
I won't be tortured after
lunch on the regular anymore.
December 13th, this year.
I miss being able to schedule
my abuse and humiliation.
Now that Brad and the animal
are no longer in my gym class,
they find me whenever they
can throughout the day.
I never know when the attacks
are coming.
Once I graduate and move
on from this hellhole,
they will, too.
I'm sure they'll learn to mask
their hatred to an extent,
but they'll still be out there,
as others will like them.
They'll always find ways
to scourge the undeserving
and make lives miserable in
their wake.
I really don't see an end.
No light at the end of this
tunnel.
(pages clapping)
(journal thudding)
- (snickers) Dude's
obsessed with us (laughing).
- Where exactly was the
brevity in all of that?
- Yeah, brevity.
What is that?
- Pretty long-winded and
dramatic, if you ask me.
- I didn't.
Do you think that homosexuality
is a choice, Brad?
- A choice?
- Yeah.
Do people choose to be gay, or
don't they?
- We've all got free will, so
yeah.
I guess it's totally a choice.
- Right.
Let me ask you this, Brad.
Think your parents are proud?
Parents, older sister?
Two older sisters, right?
- Stalker.
It's not the first time some
chick
has stalked me.
- Ugh, get over yourself.
Think they're proud?
- Yeah, I'd like to think so.
- Yeah, I bet they're proud.
Bet your mom and dad, older
sisters Susan and Judy,
are so proud of their
all-American son,
little brother, making his way
through the high school ranks so
amicably.
- You could say that.
- What about you?
- What about me?
- No siblings, no dad to
make him proud or look up to.
Had to go find a chum to follow
at school.
- I don't follow shit!
- Is homosexuality a choice?
- Yeah, it is.
- No siblings, raised by your
grandma,
with a double-digit IQ.
Must be so difficult for you.
- Yeah, well, fuck you.
- Something that's always
made so little sense to me
about people like you
is your absolute opposition
to people of color,
religion hooking up,
but when it comes to the sexes,
they have to be opposite
by their very definition.
- So now, we're bigots, too?
Hey, don't listen to her.
She's trying to mind fuck you,
trying to mind fuck the both of
us.
Don't know why yet, but
that's what she's doing.
- Dylan asked me if was
the Mayor of Queertown
before slapping me across
the face in the quad.
(Dylan snickering)
(electricity sizzling)
(Dylan squealing)
Brad and Dylan followed
me to my car, got in,
and demanded that I take
them to the liquor store.
I did, and they adhered rainbow
stickers
all over my windows as I drove
them there.
I can't peel them off without
tearing my window tint.
Brad held me down and spit in my
mouth.
- All right, all right.
So we had some fun with this
guy.
Normal high school stuff.
It happens every day.
What's it to you?
Is he your little brother or
some shit?
Great, so we fucked with
your little brother.
So what, it happens.
Shit like that happens.
Doesn't mean you go out and
capture,
you kidnap people and tie them
up
like you're part of some kind
of underground military
operation.
Plus being his sister,
I bet you have an idea
of what an insufferable prick he
can be.
I'm gonna ask you again,
what the fuck do you want from
us?
- Yeah, just tell us what you
want,
and we'll give it to
you, anything you want.
- Shut your fucking face.
- Sorry, Brad.
- We won't give her anything she
wants.
We won't give her shit.
- Right, nothin' is what she'll
get.
We won't give you shit
(snickers).
- (laughs) Tell me, Dylan, do
you know what a hate crime is?
- Of course I do.
And now you're doing this to us,
so this is a hate hate crime
crime.
You're hate hate crime criming
us.
- That checks out, that actually
works.
This is a hate hate crime crime,
because you hate hate
crimes, and this is a crime.
- Totally.
- You done (snickering)?
Orin was always a really
smart kid, you know.
(ominous electronic music)
When he decided to do it,
he knew not to do it like
they do in the movies.
You know, east to west.
Instead, he dragged the blade
southbound,
parallel to the vein.
What would you say if I told
you this was your fault?
- Again, what do you want from
us?
- I'm gonna give you the
opportunity
to test your theory.
You know, very few theorists
ever get
the opportunity to do that,
but you guys are gonna prove
or disprove your theory
that you have so much faith in.
And by doing so,
you'll also be helping me
with my thesis project.
Isn't that great?
- What's the bitch talking about
now?
- No idea.
- Brad, Dylan, you two
aren't going anywhere
until you prove to me,
for our audience over there,
that sexual proclivity is a
choice.
- What's that mean?
What the fuck is this
crazy bitch talking about?
- I think she wants us to have
sex.
- Fuck that, with her?
No way, I'd never touch that
skank.
- Logistically speaking, that
would be damn near impossible,
given your bondage and whatnot.
- Not her, Dyl.
- Then what?
Oh, you mean, me and you?
She wants you and me to fuck
each other?
Well, I'd have big problems with
that.
- What I have in store
for you is much more fun.
See that one over there?
That one's you, streamed live.
And this one over here, that's
you,
also streaming live.
Wave hello.
Oh, I forgot, you can't.
Well, nod or something, don't be
rude.
And don't worry about the word
live here.
Yes, they're both live,
but nobody's been alerted
to their existence yet.
It's just, you know, floating
around there on the internet.
It's like a bunch of other dumb
shit.
Right now, they're live for
the sake of documentation.
So nothing to worry about.
- Sure, why would we worry
about that minor detail?
- No, I'm serious.
I've got a guy who's really good
with the whole face-blurring
thing,
so if you play your cards right,
you can keep your anonymity
even if this study
garners any recognition.
Oh, over here.
Just hold that thought,
and I will be right back.
- [Brad] Well, this is fuckin'
weird.
- [Dylan] Totally, but boobs,
right?
- [Brad] I think I got a
concussion.
- [Dylan] Uh, like drugs?
- [Brad] No.
Oh, fuck.
- [Dylan] Is that your neck?
- [Brad] I think so.
- [Dylan] I thought it was your
nose.
- [Brad] You can see?
- [Dylan] Yeah, I see
black, what about you?
- [Brad] Oh, you fuckin' idiot.
I fuckin' hate you so much.
- [Dylan] What, I'm
telling you what I see.
- [Brad] Just leave me alone.
- [Dylan] Why are you being like
this?
- [Brad] Listen, shut up.
- Sorry about that.
Now, where were we, oh, yes.
Mysterious third stream, ah.
- Where'd you just go?
- Not important, but the third
stream is.
Where could it be, what could it
be?
What, you're not even curious?
Sorry, I'm having way too much
fun.
Ah, it's a classic case
of trickle-down abuse.
- I'm not playing your game.
- It's like when the
victim becomes the bully,
and then they relish in it way
too much,
except for I'm the de facto
victim
because the actual
victim's in the hospital.
Anyway, third stream
is coming from a camera
that sits right down there.
Don't you kinda wanna see it?
- Yes, show us.
Fuck is that, whore?
What the fuck is that?
- [Meg] (laughing) Care to see?
All you have to do is look
right down, it's right there.
(swelling suspenseful music)
(laughing) Fantastic, isn't it?
All you two have to do to
get out of here is make
this little bell here chime.
(bell chiming)
And I've got it rigged so that,
let's say,
when you two meet,
then it'll lift off of its
platform,
and we'll hear its sweet little
bell.
But the catch is,
it has to be both members
and at the same time.
You both following this?
- No, members, what's
she talking about now?
Who's a member, member of what?
- Do you want to explain
it to him, or should I?
Your dicks, honey.
We're talkin' about your dicks.
Need you to get a boner, a hard
on,
a stiffy, wood, hard weiner.
We need you to do this
at the same time together
while looking into each other's
eyes
because if homosexuality is a
choice,
like you two have claimed it
to be over and over again,
then this shouldn't be too hard
(clears throat), difficult,
shouldn't be too difficult.
By the way, this was no easy
task
as the difference in length and
girth
between you two is quite
significant.
Sorry, Brad, your buddy
here puts you to shame.
- I've got a big dick?
Is she sayin' I got a big dick?
- Shall we begin with phase
one of the experiment?
- Oh God, I'm sorry, I got
nervous.
- My, my.
- Sorry, bro, I get
bones when I get nervous,
it just happens.
(Brad groans)
- I guess now is as good
a time as any, you wanna
tell him, or should I?
- Tell him what?
- What, tell who what?
- If you don't tell
him, I'm gonna tell him.
- Okay, okay, I'll tell him.
I always get boners when I'm
nervous.
- [Meg] I suspected this
would happen at some point,
but I didn't expect it
to happen so quickly.
- When I get scared, it just
pops up.
It just happens.
- Truth is, when you get
nervous or you get scared,
your heart flutters.
You know, the whole fight
or flight syndrome thing.
This makes getting an
erection nearly impossible.
- Why the fuck is your dick
hard?
- This is a different kind of
excitement.
- This is fuckin' brutal.
- Well, I've got some good news,
and I've got some bad news.
Good news is, you guys are half
way there.
Brad just needs to chub up,
and you guys are good to go.
Bad news is, turns out Dylan's
one of those awful people.
You know, you hear about it all
the time.
(dramatic electronic music)
Politicians, CEOs, priests.
Usually people in a power
position.
They repress their own sexual
desires
and instead turn it into
aggressive acts
toward others that have similar
inclinations to their own.
Didn't have to do much
searching to find out
that your buddy here is clearly
gay.
Always has been.
- You're a fag?
(electricity sizzling)
(Brad grunting)
- She's lying, I love chicks.
- So cowardly, just looking
at that clueless face
makes me ponder the mistakes of
evolution.
Hell, I'd be real hard pressed
not to get super sadistic on you
right now
if you weren't so goddamn slow.
Sad, really.
- Holy fuck, I can feel it
touching me,
and it's getting bigger.
- Told you he was a big boy.
- Oh, my God.
Anyway, should we get back
at the task at hand, guys?
Oh, poor thing, you look awfully
thirsty.
- Get the fuck away.
- Want some water?
(sighing) How about you, Dylan?
- I've got the opposite problem.
- Okay, give me some of that.
(water trickling)
Oh, you fucking bitch.
- Ask nicely.
- Please give me some water.
- Good, Baby Bird.
- [Dylan] I've got to take a
leak.
- I put a hole in your
sleeve, just let 'er rip.
(urine trickling)
(Brad coughing)
- Dude, you're pissin' on my
dick!
- Sorry, bro, couldn't help it.
- Get me the fuck, what the
fuck,
get me the fuck out of this.
- Calm down, it's just
urine, it's sterile.
- I don't like it.
- Hm, I don't blame you,
but you know what?
Sooner we get to it,
the sooner you two can get out
of here.
So I'll give you two the full
hour
to complete this simple little
task.
It's a choice, after all,
so it should be pretty simple.
Just choose to like each other
sexually.
Brad, it's all up to you.
- All right, I'll play, what the
fuck.
So you handled me?
Really got your hands all up on
me,
getting my dick into
that absurd contraption.
(electricity sizzling)
(Brad grunting)
- It's not how this works.
Each other, you have to choose
each other.
If I don't hear the
tingling of this little bell
in one hour's time,
then we're gonna have
to move on to stage two.
- What's stage two?
- Oh, stage two is forced.
Yeah, at stage two, I'm gonna
release
a whole bunch of new pictures
and show everybody about your
recently acquired interests.
Well, Brad's recently acquired
interests.
- I'm just nervous.
- I'll leave you guys to get to
it.
Give you some alone time.
Found this little baby inside
the house.
It's amazing what some
people will abandon.
This cut runs about a half hour,
(moody orchestral music)
just to give you an
idea of where you're at.
One hour, then we share.
(cellphone bleeps)
(boot heel tapping)
(supersonic plane booming)
(supersonic plane booming)
(rhythmic drum music)
(wheels whirring)
(phonograph needle hissing)
Time's up, bitches.
Let's see what we got.
Dylan's still strong like bull,
and Brad is not so much.
- Whatever.
(Meg sighing)
- Subject D shows visible signs
of continued excitement by means
of a healthy and prolonged
erection
at the one hour and six minute
mark,
while Subject B remains
flaccid and sexually dormant.
Okay, well, time to post the
latest.
And post and publish.
(cellphone dings)
Always gotta stay current
with your latest updates.
- And you really think anyone
would take this seriously
with a Chinese dick trap
at the center of your little
experiment?
- Yeah, I do.
I think that the smart people
will see the bigger picture,
and that's your friend's
dick at the moment.
So on to phase two.
Phase two's a little bit longer,
but with newer consequences.
- What now, bitch?
- Good one, again.
Next step is physical.
So if you don't make the right
choice,
you're both gonna lose
something.
- Oh, God.
- And what would you do
if you had that knife?
Don't you worry about
that rusty old thing.
It won't come into play here.
But I will give you a
sneak peek into what will.
I'm really good with
knots, all kinds of knots.
Dad was a seaman.
- Semen (chuckling).
(playful electronic music)
- So you got your basic Figure
Eight,
Alpine Butterfly,
and then there's the
Constrictor.
- Where'd you even get that?
- Fun fact, see this flimsy,
nearly invisible piece of
string?
It can do just as much
damage as that there knife.
(string zipping)
- Oh.
- I'll leave these here for
motivation.
- I can't, I just, I can't do
it.
- He's trying.
- Sorry.
(handle cranking)
(needle scratching)
(playful orchestral music)
- It's not nearly as fun
as I thought it would be.
Kind of pathetic, actually.
Yeah, it's just like you said.
One guy broke almost
immediately,
and the other one's totally
devastated.
But you can see that yourself.
(chuckling) Yeah, if I
didn't know any better,
I'd feel kind of bad, actually.
I'll be right here until
I'm not anymore (sighs).
(coffee mug shattering)
Oh, shit.
Oh.
- [Brad] Really?
(music drowns out Brad's faint
speaking)
- [Brad] These fake IDs
are gonna get us laid.
- [Dylan] All right.
Why are we traveling
all the way across town
just to hunt cougars?
- 'Cause the bartender doesn't
look up
when he checks your ID.
Just stares at his phone.
- Yeah, really, fuck yeah, dude.
- [Announcer] Your regimen.
Now, you can look every day as a
Friday.
- What is that?
- It's a cougar's man.
- Cougar's man, just
like females, but older.
Cougars.
- [Announcer] Well, you
can make that a reality
at the Coke Company Limited.
With our gel coma-inducing
technology--
- You ready?
- Hell, yeah, let's go.
(Brad grunts)
(Dylan grunts)
- [Dylan] Yeah.
- [Brad] Kick some ass.
- [Announcer] You can choose
anything here to be your--
- Bye, grandma, be home
whenever.
- [Announcer] For the next 20
minutes,
our trained deep slumber
specialists are--
- [Brad] Wow, you're
grandma's so not a cougar.
- Are these?
(rhythmic rock music)
- We have made it, my friend,
we're in.
(mugs clinking)
- Hey, Dylan, stop acting odd.
You'll get us busted.
Just drink your drink,
and keep your eyes peeled for
some dimes.
- Dimes, right.
(rhythmic rock music)
- Boom, found one.
And she looks interested,
and she's not a cougar.
- That right there is a
full-blown puma.
- Shit, she's comin' over here,
be cool.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- So which one of you guys
is gonna buy the thirsty girl a
drink?
- Oh shit, right, of course, uh.
Uh, excuse me, barkeep.
Sir.
- What can I get you?
- The lady would like a,
what would the lady like?
- Adios motherfucker, if you.
- Got it.
- You'd like to what?
- It's really cheap and
it gets really fucked up.
(liquid splashing)
(ice rattling)
Tip the guy, come on.
(electronic dance music)
- Damn, she's a bad slut.
(van door closing)
- This chick is all in.
- Yup, she's crazy yo.
- Yeah, you ever been
in a devil's threesome?
- Nah.
- Of course you haven't.
Neither have I, but that's
all about to change.
This is about to go down, like
for real.
- What's a devil's threesome?
- What do you mean, what's
a devil's threesome?
We're gonna bang this girl,
and at the same time and
together.
- We are?
- God, that's awesome.
We're gonna make this puma
airtight,
that's what we're gonna do.
Just hope I can get it
up, I'm so fucked up.
I'm gonna get this party
started.
- Careful, Brad.
- [Brad] At you now.
(seatbelt clicking)
(Brad grunting)
(tires squealing)
(ominous electronic music)
- [Meg] Brad.
(playful orchestral music)
(moody orchestral music)
(needle scratching)
- I need you to sound more like
a woman.
More feminine.
- Like this, baby?
Do I sound real good?
- No.
- Just like that?
- No, that's not helping, no.
- You like this?
Oh God, not again.
I got a new problem.
Uh, chick, lady, ma'am?
- Meg, just call me Meg.
Oh, what now, Dylan?
- My contacts need out of
my head, or they'll stick.
- Come again?
- Sorry, ma'am, Meg.
My contact lens, they're
sticking.
Time to take 'em out.
- You wear contacts, since when?
- Since always, and they're
sticking to my eyeballs.
They need out.
- Yeah, I don't do that.
- But--
- What happens
if nothing happens?
- CLARE.
- Claire, who's Claire?
- Contact lens acute red-eye,
CLARE.
I could go blind.
- Ah, seriously?
- Dude, seriously?
- Totally seriously.
It's happened before,
like five times before.
Lots of close calls, but I
think this is a record for me.
Gotta get them out.
- Yeah, I told you, I
don't , I don't do that.
- Yeah, well, please?
- Ugh, er, do I use my fingers?
- Yeah, just a pinch, and on
your tip.
- Uh, oh.
(Brad groaning)
- [Brad] Oh.
- That was unexpectedly easy.
- [Dylan] Uh, oh.
(Brad groaning)
- Easy peasy, anything else?
- It's like I don't even know
you.
- Very good, all right, back to
it.
- Oh, that was just awful.
- It's all right, pal,
we'll get out of this.
Everything's gonna be cool.
- How, exactly, is
everything going to be cool?
We're being held captive by a
crazy bitch.
We're tied together, our
dicks are smashed together,
and yours is rock hard and
throbbing.
So how the fuck is
everything going to be cool?
- There's a good chance that all
of this
is just a dream.
I got a good feeling about this.
We're gonna wake up any minute
now.
- This is no dream, Dyl.
This is a very real nightmare,
that's what this is.
(supersonic plane booming)
(supersonic plane booming)
- [Dylan] I think this might be
a dream.
- [Brad] What was that noise?
- It's part of the dream, man.
You know what?
I get boners in my sleep a lot.
I bet this is a dream right now
'cause I have one right now.
Right now, I have a--
- I know, I can feel it,
remember?
- Right.
So do you think you could, like,
fake it?
You know, pretend to like me
like that?
- Your legs asleep?
- Yeah, totally tingly.
- Yeah, mine too.
This can't be good for us.
- I know, right?
How do they expect us to get
boners
if our legs are all asleep?
- Oh, I don't know, Dyl,
but you've managed somehow.
- I know, right?
So maybe you can, too, right?
Maybe?
- Maybe.
You know, maybe I should have
known.
There was time at Casey's house
when you were deep throating hot
dogs.
And that time at Julie's
when you wouldn't play strip
poker
with it just us dudes.
- I'm just nervous.
- It's okay, I guess.
Part of me, the vain part,
is flattered, but this?
This is no way to find out
that your best friend is a
fucking fag.
Sorry, a fucking homo, is that
better?
Fine, a fucking homosexual,
then.
Oh, shit, are you all fucking PC
now, too?
- Look.
- Dyl, you're freaking me out,
what is it?
- Some dude.
- What dude, where, what's he
doing?
- Just chillin'.
- Are you sure?
You're not wearing your
contacts,
and you're totally squinting.
- Yeah, some dude is just
chillin'.
Right there, 'sup?
- Hey, bro, bro, what's your
deal?
State your deal.
If you can hear me, do you
think,
think you could help us out
here?
You're sure?
Holy shit, there really is a
dude.
- Told you, he was just
chillin'.
- Hey, bro, are you with that
chick?
- Hey there.
- Okay, look.
You gotta help us, bro.
There's this chick inside.
You're not with her, right?
I'll assume that's a no.
She took us, kidnapped us,
really,
and strung us up like this.
(grunting) No, no, no, no, no.
Untie us first,
then you can take whatever you
want.
(coffee mug shattering)
(Brad sighing)
(laughing) Really?
- Dude's gone.
- (breath whooshing) Yes, Dylan.
(blinds rustling)
- Creepy dude is gone.
- You think I can't see
that he's no longer looming
in the fucking pool with us?
- I was just sayin'.
Hey, maybe he went to get help.
Maybe, well, he could be getting
help.
- I'm sorry, Dyl,
but did that fucking
freak show have a tail?
He was wearing pants,
so I couldn't get a good look.
- I don't think so.
- Was that dude covered in fur?
Was he walkin' on four legs?
Oh, my God, perhaps you're
right.
Do you think he might come back
if we called him by name?
Well, shit, let's give it a
shot.
Lassie!
- Lassie!
- Lassie, here boy!
- Lassie, here boy!
(Brad laughing maniacally)
- See, it's not so bad.
(Brad weeping)
Lassie!
- They're fucking serious.
- Not a word about the dude.
- Unless calling to a
TV dog from the 1960s
gets your dicks hard,
I suggest you stop doing that.
Wasting time, that's all you're
doing.
I already told you, nobody
out here but us chickens.
And Lassie was a girl, not a
boy,
and she lived in the
countryside,
not in the burnt-out suburbs.
- Wrong, Lassie's a weird dude.
- Hey, sh.
- What in God's name
are you talking about?
- I don't know, just sayin'
stuff
and odd things like that.
- Uh huh, record's winding down
and the sun's starting to set,
so you guys better get to it.
- Hey, Dyl.
When I tell you not to say
anything, don't say anything.
- Got it, sorry.
It's just, what if Lassie
decides to come back?
- And (laughing), and what?
- Well, how we know
his name's even Lassie?
- Fuck, oh my God, we don't,
Dyl.
It's a fucking guess.
Are you always like this
when you're not high or drinking
or both?
- I don't know, I guess so.
I'm usually high or
drinking or both, yeah.
(stately orchestral music)
- Just get hard with me,
and she'll let us go, and
no one will ever know.
- I'm not gay, you fuck.
- Neither am I, I'm just goin'
along.
- How could you not have told
me?
You're my best friend.
- I still am, I'm your bro.
- We were gonna be cops.
- We still can be cops, I'm
just--
- Nervous, I know.
(needle scratching)
- Phase three?
- That's what she said.
- That's what she said.
So just get hard with me.
(fist banging)
- Where is she?
- Don't know, get hard with me.
- Quiet.
Can you hear that?
- Get hard with me.
- Sounds like banging.
- I don't care, get hard with
me.
(fist banging)
(knob rattling)
(fist banging)
(needle scratching)
- All right, fuck it.
I'm goin' in (breath whooshing).
Let's do this.
- What do you need from me?
- Nothing, please just say
nothing.
- [Dylan] Oh, that's
it, you can do it, man.
You can do it.
- Shut up.
- [Dylan] Sorry.
- Shit.
But I thought it was just us
chickens.
(drum booming)
- [Orin] How are my two
favorite homophobes?
- Aaron?
- [Orin] It's Orin, it's always
been Orin,
and I know that you know that.
- [Dylan] Hey, look, it's
Fancy Pants on the screen.
- [Orin] Fuck you, it's Orin.
- You really think this'll hold
them?
- Yeah, I've tested them,
they're good.
- You're one sick, twisted kid,
but I like it.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so happy you said that, so
you're in.
- Yes, but you have to keep a
cool head through everything.
- Of course.
- No flying off the handle
like you usually do.
- Never.
- Cool, calm, collected.
- Always.
- And I'm gonna pick them up on
my own.
- No, no.
- You have to stay here
and lock the place down
and wait until I come back.
- No way.
I'm helping with the abduction.
What kind of brother would I be
if I left you to do that by
yourself?
- Ugh, you sound like
every man in my life.
What, because I'm a girl,
I can't fend for myself, you
know what--
- Stop with the feminism crap,
okay?
Just stop it.
You don't know these
mouth breathers like I do.
They're strapping.
Plus, abduction's number
seven on my bucket list.
- What's number six?
- The Grand Canyon.
- You're not coming,
and they can't see you.
We have to make them at least
believe
that you tried to off yourself.
- But I could hide.
- Take it or leave it.
- Okay.
Okay, okay, I'll take it.
You can be such a bully
sometimes, you know that?
- Just don't be a dick.
- Won't be a dick, promise.
- You are such a dick.
- Sorry.
(hand thudding)
(cell phone pecking)
- [Young Woman] Damn, she's a
bad slut.
(bag rustling)
(ominous techno music)
- I'm gonna get this party
started.
- [Dylan] Careful, Brad.
(Orin grunting)
(engine roaring)
(Brad grunting)
- [Orin] Bravo.
It's me, it's me, it's me.
(hand smacking)
- Can't believe you.
- Just wanted to make sure
you're okay.
- Feet off the dash, this is a
rental.
(feet thudding)
(ambient techno music)
- [Meg] Jesus.
- Well done, safety first.
Wouldn't want them to go
cartwheeling down the highway,
now would we?
Although, although,
that would be spectacular.
(imitates Brad and Dylan
cartwheeling)
But, but what a waste.
What a waste that would be,
what a fucking waste.
(fist pounding)
No, no, no, we do this now,
we do this now, we do this
fucking now.
- [Meg] Jesus.
- Get the door.
- Shh, please tell me
you're not off your meds.
- I'm on my meds.
- What did we say about loose
cannons
and how you can't be one?
- I'm totally fine.
The Addies help me with my
narcolepsy.
You don't know what it's like.
- Narcolepsy?
You never had narcolepsy.
- Yeah, that's like your
opinion, move.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh my, fuck.
Who's in charge now?
(Brad grunting)
Oh, fuck.
(Brad grunting)
(liquid sloshing)
(Brad grunting)
(liquid sloshing)
(Meg sighing)
- Let's move these piles into
position.
- [Orin] Hey, you look like
shit.
Do you want some shit?
(pills rattling)
I got some shit.
- No, I don't want some
shit, I want a nap.
Now, get your skinny ass in here
and help me move these pieces.
- Fine, be that way.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(footfalls thudding)
(suspenseful electronic music)
(fist thudding)
(suspenseful electronic music)
(cell phone bleeping)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(suspenseful electronic music)
- Fuck, I'm so bored.
(suspenseful electronic music)
- The time is near.
After weeks of hints and clues,
this hooded homo shall out a
closeted jock
who has been masquerading about
the halls
of this high school
as not only a straight star
athlete,
but a gay basher, as well.
Sometimes push comes to shove,
and this hooded homo
is poised and ready to shove
motherfucker
all over the internet, stand by.
Go on, do something.
(door sliding)
(coin rattling)
(coin rattling)
(coin rattling)
I'm not a believer, but
that always seems to work.
(bell chiming)
Here we go, it's happening.
(suspenseful electronic music)
- [Meg] Orin.
- Sure, Aaron.
- Orin.
- That's right.
- Orin, whatever, so what?
- That's right.
- [Brad] Gonna ask you again.
What the fuck do you want from
us?
- [Dylan] Yeah, just
tell us what you want,
and we'll give it to
you, anything you want.
- [Brad] Shut your fuckin' face.
- [Brad] Sure, why would we
worry about that minor detail?
- [Meg] Listen, I'm serious.
I've got a guy who's really good
with the whole face-blurring
thing.
So if you play your cards right,
you can keep your anonymity,
even if the study garners any
recognition.
- Fuck that.
Anonymity is not an option for
you at all.
In fact, you know what?
(ominous electronic music)
(pills rattling)
(Orin grunting)
(Orin snarling)
- [Meg] Guys, over here.
(Orin snarling)
- [Brad] Well, this is fucking
weird.
- [Dylan] Totally, but boobs,
right?
(ominous electronic music)
(door opening)
- You fucking kidding me?
(hand slapping)
You kidding me right now?
They almost saw you, they almost
saw you.
I had to flash those morons my
tits
for them to not see you or,
Oh, my God.
Orin, I am absolutely
down to do this with you,
for you, and about you and your
cause,
but you have to meet me halfway.
We must stick with the script.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes.
- No more loose cannon shit.
Keep it up, and I pull the plug.
And I will untie them,
and we will all go out to
breakfast.
(Orin sobbing)
- I'm so stupid.
(Meg sighing)
(hand thudding)
- Come here.
Come here.
(Orin sobbing)
(melancholy electronic music)
Look at me.
I know you're excited.
We're all excited.
But a lot's gone into this
crazy and fucked up plan,
and I need you to stay focused
if we're going to see this
through and done correctly.
- I know.
- Just sit tight, let me do my
thing.
- Okay.
(introspective electronic music)
Do you think they'll sign your
contract?
- (laughs) See, that's
what I'm talking about.
You don't need to sweat that
stuff.
(sighing) To answer your
question, yeah, I do.
I'm gonna get them to sign
exactly what I need them
to sign for my thesis,
and then, you can have
your sweet, sweet revenge.
- It shall be sweet.
- What do you say in the
meantime,
just take it easy, you know?
Lay off the pills for a shift
or two, maybe take a nap,
let me work on 'em a bit?
- Deal.
(hand patting)
- Good deal.
You just keep cool.
Let me go to work.
Love you, mean it.
- Love you, mean it.
(door closing)
(ominous electronic music)
- Fuck your deal, bitch,
this is my operation.
Just kidding, love you.
Now do my bidding, you little
bitch.
I don't mean that.
- [Orin Voiceover] Spit
in my fucking mouth.
Fuck you, fuck, fuck you,
fuck everyone, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- [Meg] Love you.
(playful electronic music)
- Son of a bitch.
This was not the plan.
This has never been the plan.
You're gonna ruin everything
that we've worked for
with this stupid kid shit.
What we're doing is way bigger
than this,
way more important than that.
- You just don't get it.
- Don't get it, nobody gets it.
That's the problem with
you, nobody ever gets it.
Orin knows best.
Look at yourself.
Does this look like the life
of somebody who knows best?
- If I show you, you'll
understand.
- Show me what, show me what,
Orin?
- All of me.
- So what am I supposed
to understand, exactly?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
(gasps)
(door slams)
(key clicking)
Orin, you better open up
(fist thudding)
this fucking door.
You've lost your fucking
mind, are you kidding me?
- You just don't get it.
(fist thudding)
- Ugh, let me fuck out.
(fist thudding)
- I wanna go viral.
- Orin!
- I need to go viral.
(fist thudding)
- Un-fucking-believable.
(doorknob rattling)
(Meg sighing)
- Who's in charge now, me,
that's who.
(fist thudding)
I just can't hear this right
now.
Fuck, fuck it, fuck.
(fist thudding)
It's okay, everything's okay,
mm.
Going to my happy place.
(intense orchestral music)
(fist thudding)
- Let me the fuck out.
(doorknob rattling)
(Meg screaming)
(Orin breathing)
- Show time.
(suspenseful electronic music)
Show time.
(key rattling)
- [Orin] How are my two
favorite homophobes?
- [Brad] Aaron?
- It's Orin, it's always been
Orin,
and I know that you know that.
- [Dylan] Hey, look, it's
Fancy Pants on screen.
- Fuck you, it's Orin.
Oh God, stop, stop, your moment,
not theirs, your moment, your
moment.
Ooh, ooh, okay.
I wanna thank you both so much
for being a part of this
experience.
The last few hours have
been quite educational.
Oh yes, I've been watching
and on the edge of my seat
absolutely riddled with
anticipation.
The results are in.
Dylan did quite well, as we all
know.
Hell, by now, just about
everybody knows that much.
As for you, Brad, you gave it
your best.
That much was evident.
There was even a little bit of
movement
down there at one point,
but unfortunately,
it wasn't enough to make
contact with your gay pal there.
Turns out you were wrong,
homosexuality isn't as simple
as a choice (laughing).
Your failure pleases me greatly.
One, it proves what
most of us already knew.
And two, it means we get to move
on
to my favorite phase of all
the phases, phase three.
Oh, I just love this part so
much.
(glass shattering)
(glass eye thudding)
(suspenseful electronic music)
Oh, what the fuck?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Get the fuck off of them!
(doorknob rattling)
- Orin!
- Fuck!
(suspenseful electronic music)
(curtain rod ripping)
- [Meg] You've lost your fucking
mind.
You don't wanna do this.
(fists thudding)
- Quiet, you!
Do stop that, do stop that.
Do stop that, do stop that, do
stop that.
Do stop that, do stop that, do
stop that,
do stop that, do stop that, do.
These damn things are so fickle.
Always falling off the runner.
So much better.
(glass door sliding)
Let's do this!
(clock ticking)
(outlaw country music)
- [Frank] Just why won't he let
me ride?
He never lets me ride.
- [Hank] Oh, I don't think
he learned how to share.
- Yeah, he was probably a
fucking only child, man.
I should fuck you up.
- Oh yeah, he's definitely
an only fuckin' child.
He couldn't be doing it.
So Talkie, what the
fuck are we doin' here?
What are we doin'?
You know, usually, I'm able to
pick up
what the fuck you're ever it
is you're trying to put down,
but this time, this time,
I'm a little stumped,
to be quite honest, you know?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I
mean,
it's not like I don't appreciate
you
comin' to us first, though,
whatever the fuck this is,
but I would just like to
know before we get there,
you know, maybe, he's not even
listening.
(wheels whirring)
Hey, when the fuck you gonna let
us
ride that thing, anyway?
- Hey, man, sharing is caring.
When are you gonna let us ride
it?
- Ever?
- Yeah, man.
- Talkie, when are you
gonna let us ride it?
- Talkie, don't act
like you can't hear me.
- Talkie.
- Hey, fuck you.
(wheels whirring)
Mute bitch.
- And it's never anything that--
- Sometimes it works out.
- means anything.
- Yeah, people to pay me--
- Shut the fuck up.
- You're gonna be fine.
- Talkie, Talkie.
- Fuck.
- What, Talkie, what?
- What now?
- What's the big deal?
- It's an empty yard.
- That's it, man,
you can do it.
- Not helping.
- Sorry.
- Come on, right there, almost.
You can do it.
- Shut up!
- Faggot shit.
- Shit.
Oh, but I thought it was just us
chickens.
- [Hank] Oh, ooh, what?
(laughing)
- Oh, please don't.
- [Orin] How are my two
favorite homophobes?
- Aaron?
- [Orin] It's Orin, it's always
been Orin,
and I know that you know that.
- [Dylan] Hey, look, it's
Fancy Pants on the screen!
- [Orin] Fuck you, it's Orin.
Oh, God, stop, stop,
your moment, not theirs.
Your moment, your moment, ooh.
I wanna thank you both so much
for being a part of this
experience.
The last few hours have
been quite educational.
- Hey.
- [Orin] I've been watching
it on the edge of my seat
absolutely riddled with
anticipation.
- Talkie.
- Psst, come here.
(suspenseful twangy music)
- Give me your eye.
Hand over the eye.
Hey, how about I use
the other fuckin' eye?
- Yeah, probably fly a little
better.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, bro shit.
- [Orin] Wasn't enough to
make contact with your gay--
- Atta boy.
(suspenseful electronic music)
- [Orin] And two, it means
that we get to move on
to my favorite phase, phase
three.
Oh, I just love this part so
much.
(glass shattering)
Oh, fuck.
(Hank and Frank laughing)
- Hi.
- Hey.
- [Hank] Hi there.
- [Frank] Hello.
- [Hank] Go fuck yourself.
- [Orin] No, no, no, no, no, no,
no!
Get the fuck off of them!
- That guy, he's gonna
come through that door.
- Yeah?
- When he does,
bean him with that sink.
- Can do.
- [Orin] Quiet, you!
Do stop that, do stop that, do
stop that,
do stop that, do stop that, do
stop that.
(door rattling)
These damn things are so fickle.
Always falling off the runners.
Ah, ah.
(door sliding)
Oh, it's so much better.
Let's do this!
(sink crashing)
- Woo!
- Woo.
- That was awesome.
(playful electronic music)
(water gurgling)
- All right, guys, we get it.
You're in charge, now, shut it
off.
- But I don't wanna wait for it
to get over their heads, man.
That's gonna take forever.
- So what?
Where do you gotta be?
- Nowhere, I just think that
electrocution
would be so much better.
- So, go find a toaster.
And also an extension cord.
- Oh, shit.
Please tell me that you guys
are just fucking with us.
- What the fuck?
- There's that question again.
- What the fuck is this?
- Hey, new socks.
The homo has joined us.
- [Orin] It's Orin.
- What do you think would happen
if I knocked this thing in?
- Fucked if I know.
- Should I do it, Talkie?
- Please don't.
- I'm doin' it.
- Please don't.
- What, what, use your words,
shit.
All right, all right, all right.
- Seriously, there's like
real equipment in here.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Talkie doesn't go in for
that newfangled shit.
He's old school.
(generator whirring)
- Yeah, well that just sounds
horrible.
- [Frank] Fuck this, I'm
gonna go find a toaster.
- All right, so what exactly is
going on?
- This crazy fucking bitch--
- She's super nuts.
- These motherfuckers--
- This crazy bitch--
- She's super nuts.
- Shut up.
Not all everybody at once.
You sound like a bunch of
cluckin' hens.
Jesus, I just can't.
(distorted orchestral music)
Now, you.
Why you hangin' there
with your dick avatared to that
kid?
- [Brad] Avatared?
- Yeah, you know.
Like the movie, the blue one.
Your dick is like connected,
like, inserted, even.
It's like they did with the
tails.
You know, you're avatarted
(laughing).
Avatarted, get it, that's
a good one (laughing).
Hey, Frank, you missed it.
I just called 'em avatarted.
- [Brad] Anyways, this crazy
bitch--
- Shut the fuck up.
Frank?
- (laughing) Avatarted,
(Hank laughing)
that's hilarious, Hank!
- [Hank] Yes, I know.
(Frank and Hank laughing)
- Don't tell them about Meg.
- Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
- That sounds pretty rad.
- [Brad] Does it?
- Dude, the homo was holding out
on us.
We got Adderall up here,
and you better believe
I'm crushin' that shit up right
now.
Crushed blue dust up in here,
crushed addies, yeah.
- Fuck yes!
Hey, hey, bring that shit down
here.
- Will do, Hank.
- Wait a minute.
His name is Frank, and yours is
Hank?
Frank and Hank?
- (laughing) That's so gay.
- Oh yeah, is it?
As gay as your dick right now,
touchin' his dick, huh?
- This crazy bitch picked
us up at a bar last night,
led us on, and then kidnapped
us.
- (blows raspberry) Kidnapped by
a girl?
You guys are pussies.
- Listen, she used her van
against us,
and she had tear gas and a gas
mask, and--
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait.
What crazy bitch?
- [Dylan] His sister.
- Pigs in a Blanket.
- [Orin] It's Orin.
- [Hank] Is he speakin' the
truth?
- Yeah, she's kinda crazy.
- And she's your sister?
- Yes.
- Yeah, see now we're gettin'
somewhere.
All right, and so where
is this crazy bitch now?
- I'm telling you, your
guess is as good as ours.
We're just pawns in their little
game.
Now, will you please turn off
the spigot?
- Ooh, that's racist.
- Spigot is not racist.
And would you please just turn
it off?
- Pigs in a Blanket, where
is your sister right now?
- Name is Orin.
- Sweet.
(hands clapping)
- [Frank] Bam.
- Ooh, welly welly welly well.
- Welly welly well.
- Yes, yes.
(Hank sniffing)
(Hank vocalizing)
Ugh, ai ai ack.
Particulate hairs.
(Frank vocalizing)
(Hank vocalizing)
(Frank coughing)
- Okay.
- Well.
- That is--
- So, all right, fine.
- So help me understand this.
Where, where is this
crazy bitch sister now?
She just, she just disappeared?
- Who disappeared?
- All right, Pigs in a Blanket's
got
a crazy bitch sister.
She kidnapped these two
pussies--
- A girl, what pussies.
- (laughs) That's what I'm
sayin', they're pussies.
- Hm.
- And who made you all up to
look like fag marionettes?
- She did.
- She did.
Why?
- Because she's a crazy bitch,
that's why.
- Fair enough.
- This shit is boring.
I'm gonna go find a toaster.
- All right, you do what you
gotta do.
- She said it was for an
experiment for her class.
- She said.
- Trying to prove some point
about homosexuality not
being a choice or some shit.
- (laughing) That's hilarious.
Of course, it's a fucking
choice.
- That's what I said.
But she said we had to prove it
before she'd let us go.
- She said.
- What, what?
- She said if we got hard for
each other,
she'd let us go.
(Hank laughing)
- That is also hilarious.
Like the day's really lookin'
up.
All right, so she said
she picked you two, why?
- She said (laughing).
- Kid, why do you keep sayin'
that?
- I don't know, 'cause
that's what she said.
It's funny and stuff.
- Is it?
Friend's retarded.
- He is.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Shut up.
- Merely agreeing.
- Anyway, what I was getting at
is that we might have fucked
with this dude in school.
It's up for debate.
- Up for debate, fuck you, up
for debate.
You fucked with me, you
both fucked with me daily.
- All right, I can see that.
So how'd it go?
- How did what go?
- You know, the experiment.
- I don't know, ask him.
- Pigs in a Blanket.
- [Orin] It's Orin.
- [Hank] How'd the experiment
go?
- One of them failed miserably.
The other flourished.
- Oh, good for you,
brother, good for you, eh?
Way to put up a fight
(laughing).
Uh, you know, that's a problem
these days.
I mean, the gays are fuckin'
takin' over everything,
you know? (blows raspberry)
You know, there's this guy,
lives around these parts, all
right,
runs around here
and he's a little funny, you
know,
a little funny, know what I
mean?
Huh, I mean, can you
imagine that, a gay dude
walkin' around thinkin' he's in
charge
of this fucked-up situation?
- Like to hear you talk that way
when he's around.
- Hey, shut the fuck up, Frank.
Hey, why don't you be fuckin'
useful?
Bring me some more fuckin' drugs
and better yet, fix this fuckin'
spigot.
- I'm still lookin' for a
toaster.
- He actually tried.
- Wait, tried, tried what?
- Brad attempted to cross over.
- It's true, asked me to
talk like a chick, even.
- Dude.
(Hank laughing)
(Brad mimicking laughing)
- Fuck you.
- You tried to get it up
for your bro. (laughing)
Oh, this is great, this is
fucking great.
Frank, come down here.
Your water's gushin' now.
(distorted orchestral music)
(water gushing)
- Brad, Dylan.
- [Brad] The fuck do you want?
- I'm only gonna say this once,
I'm sorry.
- [Brad] Fantastic for all of
us.
Fancy Pants is sorry.
Well, that doesn't do
any good for any of us,
now does it?
- [Orin] It's Orin.
And this wasn't the plan.
- [Brad] Yeah, well what
exactly was the plan?
I'm racking my brain over
here tryin' to figure it out.
- I just wanted a taste of
vengeance.
Heard it was sweet.
Wanted to humiliate you
two for fucking with me.
- [Brad] Well, feel good about
yourself.
I'm absolutely and utterly
humiliated at the moment.
- [Dylan] Fuck that,
I'm not, just nervous.
- Dyl, please.
- What do you think
they're gonna do to us?
- I don't know, Aaron.
Your guess is as good as mine.
- It's Orin.
- Whatever.
(Orin growling)
Where's your sister?
- She's gone, she took off.
- She left?
- Yeah.
- That seems odd.
- Bitch got scared (laughing).
- Dylan, shut the fuck up.
- Brad, do you think you
could take those guys?
- These clowns, of
course I could take 'em.
- Do you really think you could
take 'em?
- Yes, if my hands weren't
hog-tied to my legs
and if I wasn't suspended
by a series of ropes
in an empty pool with my dick
looped to my friend here,
then yeah, I could take
these drug-addled bitches.
- Listen to me very carefully.
You should be able to free
yourself.
- And how's that?
- That's a Chinese finger trap
down there.
- Yeah.
- The secret to its release--
- Holy shit, dude, my boner's
gone.
- [Brad] Great, Dyl, not now.
- Oh.
- If you submit to it, give in,
then it releases, and you'll be
free.
- I'm so serial, it's soft now.
- Not now, please.
- Oh.
- What does that mean?
How do we submit?
- Just do exactly what I tell
you.
- I fuckin' hate the sound of
that.
- It's gone, really.
- You're not going to like it,
but you're going to have to
trust me.
- Great, go.
- Smash your groins together
with force.
- Fuck you.
- Not kidding.
The knots I have you in
will release with slack.
And I knew you'd never do it on
your own,
and it was going to be awesome.
And I'd let you know that
the secret to your release
was always right there in front
of you,
but your own homophobia
would have never afforded such a
scenario
for you to do this on your own.
And it would have been
awe-inspiring and meaningful
and poetic and all that shit.
But then these guys showed up,
and everything went to shit
just like everything
always does in my life.
And I wanna fucking smash
and obliterate everything
and all this bullshit, it's so--
- Shut up, shit.
So things got fucked, all right?
How do we fix it?
And I swear to God, if you
are fucking with me, I'll--
- You'll what?
Wait for the water to rise to a
level
where you might be able to
float in my general direction
and nudge me as you pass by?
Just do it, smash your groins
together.
- You ready?
- This better work, faggot.
- Faggot, really?
You're the one with a fucking
hard-on.
- It's gone, I already
told you, it's gone.
Oh wait, maybe not.
- Okay, we're mashed, now what?
- Okay, now roll your shoulders
back
at the same time.
And your straps should release.
- Shit, my boner's back.
- Not now, Dyl, just roll
your shoulders on three.
Oh, I hate this so much.
One, please work.
Two, fuck you, three.
(Brad and Dylan groaning)
(intense electronic music)
(ropes snapping)
- What's happening, did it work?
- Kind of, we're on our sides
now.
But our arms and legs are
still--
- What?
- [Brad] Shit, shit, shit.
- [Orin] What, what, what?
- Looks like I won.
- Hey, Aaron.
- It's Orin.
- We're still tied up.
- Really?
- Just really.
- Brad's dick is out, though.
- Not relevant in the least!
- Found a toaster and an
extension cord.
- Great.
- Holy fuck.
- What?
- No, no, no, no, no!
(dramatic orchestral music)
(cords popping)
(cords thudding)
(Brad grunting)
- Rude.
- What the fuck are you doin'?
- Sorry, I thought it was,
thought the cord was long
enough.
If I didn't throw it so far,
I think it probably would have--
- Would, would have what?
- You know, electrocute them.
- No, no we're not doin' that.
We're not, we're not doin'
murder.
God, what's wrong with you?
- [Frank] Nothing.
I just thought that we
were gonna have some fun
and fry these fuckers, man.
(fingers snapping)
- Yeah, Talkie's right.
What about all the fuckin'
equipment?
I mean, there's actual
value shit down there.
- I thought since they were
trespassing, we could just--
- Trespassing, trespassing?
We are all trespassing, all
right?
And none of this shit is ours.
It's fuckin' nobody's.
We were just gonna steal the
shit,
scare the fuck out of
'em, and bail, all right?
Like, that's it.
- [Orin] Please don't
steal my sister's shit.
She'll kill me.
- Shut up you, Pigs in a
Blanket.
- He's right, she's crazy.
Probably track you down and
string you up
or some shit.
- Yeah well, how about you
shut the fuck up, Tiny Dick?
(Brad humming)
- [Orin] You know, she's
probably gonna break out
of that drum room upstairs any
minute now
and be down here raisin' hell.
- You locked her up?
- [Orin] Totally, she
was being such a snatch.
- Wait, what, she's here?
- [Orin] Upstairs, in the drum
room.
- She's upstairs in the drum
room.
Thought you did a sweep
of the house, Frank.
- I did, I did, Hank, I did.
It's just that one of the
rooms was locked, okay?
- Oh, one of the doors was
locked.
Oh God, does it ever end with
you?
Geez, your level of
incompetence,
it continues to astound and
amaze me.
- Thank you.
- It wasn't a compliment.
- Oh look, yeah, now the water's
drainin' out of the pool.
- Good, good, 'cause
we're not doin' murder.
- So boring, so then what?
- All right, I don't know.
(fingers snapping)
- No way, no way, no way.
Not that giant pufta.
No, he gets way too much credit
for this kind of shit as it is.
- I don't know, man, he might be
right.
Durant would probably
know what to do with this.
- No, wait, you sayin'
I don't know what to do?
- You literally just said that
you didn't
and that Durant's got his,
what do people call it,
you know, his fist in the pulse.
- God, finger, finger
on the pulse, you fool.
Fuckin' idiot, he doesn't.
He doesn't have his finger
on the pulse of anything.
He might his finger jammed
up some dude's ass, huh?
Yeah, might have it like
that, you know, come on.
That's funny, he does,
finger, up some dude's ass.
(mouth clicking)
(hand slapping)
(clock ticking)
- [Worker] This old girl,
she's cleanin' up real nice.
Hey, this chandelier, I
got this at a garage sale.
- Gonna put that right here.
(mellow electronic music)
I like that right there, I like
that.
- [Worker] Whoa, whoa, what the
fuck?
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hey, Talkie, Talkie.
Right, right, right, yeah, yeah.
I have no idea what you're doing
or what you're saying, man, all
right?
What do you want?
Can't you see we're busy right
now?
We're tryin' to work on these
houses.
Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We just painted this wall.
Like I said, I'm a very
busy man at the moment.
Talkie, yes, but can't you
just write this out for me
on a pad or something?
Listen, Lake, can y'all give me,
give me--
- [Talkie] Mm.
- Wait, oh, shit.
You're illiterate, too.
A one-eyed mute motherfucker,
and you can't read or write,
neither?
Damn, son, what the hell
happened to you?
So, eh, Talkie, eh, I'm sorry.
Look, hey, look at me, man.
Don't you got an address for me,
at least?
Gimme an address, right.
No, no, Talkie, I meant
with a pen and paper, man.
No, fuck it.
All right, so you're illiterate,
and you can still do
this whole numbers thing.
Shit's fascinating.
237, okay, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
You're not talkin' about
my drum pad, are you?
- Whoa, what about the drum pad,
boss?
- Let me try and decipher
this whole cave scroll shit
that you're doin' on my wall
here.
I gotcha three people here.
Are they dancing?
Are they fighting?
They're fucking?
In my drum house?
Wait, so three people are kind
of fucking
in my empty swimming pool?
Well, well, oh shit, Talkie.
Please tell me no one's
gettin' raped right now.
All right, yeah, I got it, I got
it.
Yeah, this is interesting, for
sure.
All right, it's concerning as
hell.
But it's not pressing, all
right?
All right, yeah Talkie,
go lookin' out, man, all right?
Listen, you're gonna be rewarded
for this
if this turns out to
be anything, all right?
But right now, we gotta get
back to work, all right?
Talkie, gotta get back--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't advance on a man
unless you can back it up.
Can you back it up, Valkyrie?
(fist slamming)
- Hey, whoa, hey, chill,
chill, chill, man.
- [Worker] What does he want?
- What the fuck, dude?
You hit him in his only good
eye.
Dude, you're fucked up.
- Yeah, I'm fucked up.
- [Durant] Don't be pesky, all
right?
Nobody likes pesky.
I told you, I'll get to this
matter
when I'll get to it.
Right now, I just need you to
get the fuck
out of my house.
Uh, uh, uh, Talkie, not
before you fix this shit.
The wall ain't gonna paint
itself.
(supersonic plane booming)
Oh, shit.
(supersonic plane booming)
What y'all doing, don't
y'all know what that was?
- I ain't scared to
death, you know, I wasn't.
- Yeah, yeah, don't nobody read
here?
Yo, that was one fast-assed
jet breakin' the sound barrier
was what that was.
Yeah, a huge pressure that moves
in front
and behind the moving object,
and it causes a huge burst of
energy.
That shit is fascinating.
It was right on time, too.
But yeah, we behind schedule,
so y'all, let's get back to
work.
You too, Talks, paint that shit
up.
Huh, people kinda fucking
in my swimming pool.
It's interesting for sure,
but it's not pressing.
(rhythmic drumming)
Got it?
- Yeah, boss.
Gentral fa cation, we go
inside--
- No, man, gentrification, all
right?
It's when upscale hipsters move
in
and prices everyone else out.
- So is that why we're fixin'
up all these old houses?
- Exactly.
- All right.
- We're squattin' in all these
shitholes
and makin' some improvements
wherever we can, all right,
and then when the economy
recovers,
property values in the area
rise.
- Thanks to generalication.
Could we go in there, we relax--
- Gentrification, yes.
- Jesus.
- We'll be the rightful owners,
and then we cash in, all right?
We're squattin' and flippin'
like motherfuckers now.
We cash in later, it's all
cyclical.
- It's all cycle skull
'cause he, 'cause crazy smart.
That's why he's the boss.
- Look, you ain't gotta
worry about that, all right?
Just squattin', flip with me,
and you'll be just fine, trust
me.
- Can do, boss.
- Boys, but I don't know
what we about to see in here,
but my interested is piqued.
When was the last time
y'all heard me say that?
- I don't remember.
- Exactly.
People kinda having sex in my
pool?
Makes one wonder.
- Makes me kinda horny.
- Finger, finger on the pulse,
you fool.
And he doesn't, he doesn't have
his finger
on the pulse of anything.
He might have his finger
jammed up some dude's ass, huh?
Yeah, might have it like that,
but he doesn't have his finger
on the pulse of nothin'.
What, what, that was a little
funny.
Finger, up some dude's
ass, 'cause he's gay?
(mouth clicking)
(hand slapping)
(Hank groaning)
- Wrong, my finger's a-dancin'
through the victorious breeze
in the crushing defeat in the
wake of your punk-ass face.
- But it was just us chickens.
- What the fuck.
- That is the question.
(Frank grunting)
- (laughing) Oh, hold on.
You have got the littlest dick
I have ever seen, my man.
Hold on, hold on, now hold it.
(camera clicks)
You are just a little fella.
Know that I've got you now and
forever
up in my cloud (laughing).
Hey, cover yourself up.
- Thank you.
- None of this is right.
It don't look right,
and it don't feel right.
- No, no, you're right.
This is a completely fucked-up
situation.
But Frank and I were handling
it.
- You call this handling it?
These white boys laying
on the bottom of my pool?
My man over here with his dick
out.
Look like he's sunbathing for an
up
and coming nudist event.
(fist thudding)
Listen, what the fuck is this
noise
comin' from my house?
- Told you I heard something.
- Hey, shut the fuck up.
No one's talkin' to you.
- Who is that, what's going on?
- You motherfuckers don't
know how to end shit, do you?
You got closing skill issues.
- Oh God, I think I know what
that means.
- Uh, what do you think that
means?
- You're gonna kill us, aren't
you?
- That's hilarious.
The fag's a racist.
- [Orin] Fuck you!
- What did you just say?
- Yeah, no, no, before you got
here,
the fruit roll-up there,
he was talkin' about black dudes
and how they like to kill people
for fun.
- No, what, no I wasn't.
- Yeah, yeah, he was using
the Nig word and everything.
- Yeah.
- I'm not takin' sides here, but
he was.
- Bullshit, shut the fuck up.
- Shut the fuck up, Tiny Dick.
- Yeah, no, no, no.
All of this, all of this
is the fruit roll-up's
some sort of revenge scheme, you
know,
against the two jocks.
That and some sort of
a fucked-up experiment.
- Experiment?
- Yeah, experiment, a fag
experiment.
And one of 'em's a fag.
Look at him, check the boner.
He gets, wha!
(Hank grunting)
- We got a closet homo on our
hands?
(Hank grunting)
- Shut your filthy, fuckin'
mouth.
We don't use the fag word
around here any more.
- Okay.
- Where's the closet homo?
- [Dylan] I'm just nervous.
- Fuck you, Nervous.
You're a latent homosexual,
you're fucking gay.
- He's right.
- You love dicks, and you lie
about it.
- [Orin] Oh, yes Brad, ah, ah,
ah, ah--
- Okay, yeah, yeah, enough,
enough!
What's with this one, is
he on drugs or something?
- Adderall.
- Fuckin' white boy drugs.
All right, y'all
motherfuckers done fucked up
by choosing my crib to do
whatever it is the fuck
y'all doin' here.
- [Brad] Yup.
- Damn (laughs), the dicks
be busy up in this bitch.
(Frank and worker laughing)
God, y'all playin some
cowcocks and lesbians.
Yeah, but there's a problem.
'Cause this here is my bitch.
- [Hank] Bullshit, you don't
own this house (grunts).
- About to, ever heard
of squatter's rights?
- Yeah, and um, what's that
genification?
- Listen, y'all depraved
motherfuckers
are currently desecrating my
drum pad.
- Drum room, what is this,
what is the drum room?
- Explain it to him.
- We got a drum room upstairs.
It's soundproofed and
everything.
- Really?
- Yeah, we like to
relax with a drum circle
after a long day of flippin',
you know.
- It's important.
- Yeah.
(Frank squealing)
- Hey, yo, Talkie, Talkie.
Hey, shut the shit down, will
you?
What I'm getting at is this, all
right?
As fucked up as all this is
with your dicks hangin' out,
all right, these Chinese finger
traps,
this is just a footnote and for
what we're doin', all right?
Just a tiny blip on the
proverbial map.
What we're doing is gonna
change this neighborhood.
Not just talk about for a day,
and not just shared with
a link for a quick laugh.
You small-time bitches think too
small.
So get the fuck out of my house.
(generator whirring down)
(drum booming)
what the fuck was that?
(drum booming)
- Here she comes.
- And here who comes?
(Meg snarling)
(ominous electronic music)
- Who the fuck are you?
- Okay, not my djembe.
Listen, of all the drums up
there,
you gotta grab my djembe?
- You like this drum, do you?
- There's just cowcocks and
lesbians.
- I'm not a lesbian.
- Yeah, well, whatever.
- Well, this drum's about to be
a really difficult puzzle
if you do not let my brother go.
- Oh, that's savage.
No need for savagery.
No, eh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this, huh?
Is this an experiment in my
pool?
Hey, science fascinates me, it
always has.
- These two animals have
been tormenting my brother
for years with their homophobia.
- Oh, oh, oh, that's just fucked
up.
I've pounded on a lot of dudes.
- Yeah, he has (grunting).
- You know, I'm not gay
in the conventional sense, all
right?
I'm just so hyper-masculine
that chicks just don't
do it for me anymore.
- Oh, I get that, that makes
sense.
- That's not a thing.
- You care for me to
demonstrate?
- Maybe.
- Look, look, I beat on a lot of
dudes
especially when I was ploughin'
bitches.
But I never beat on a man
for bein' gay, all right?
That's just weak.
- Well, aren't you
motherfuckin' Teresa up there,
you tall motherfucker, sorry.
- Well, um, I'm in grad school
now, so--
- No shit, where?
- Yeah, AVC.
- Nice, they got a hell of a--
- Psychology program.
- psychology program (laughs).
Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right, so?
- Yeah, so my brother and I
hatched a plan
to subdue this jock and
his closeted friend here.
- Well, looks like you
succeeded.
- Yeah, I did.
- So boring, who cares?
So she stuck our dicks in this
thing
that is still on my dick
and said we had to get
boners for each other,
and I got nervous and I sprouted
one,
and Brad couldn't,
and now you're here and now
there's water,
and I'm tired of hearing about
it.
I'm just tired and hungry,
and I'm just really, who cares?
- You done?
- Been done, I passed the test,
so get me out of here.
- Hey listen, yo, don't
make me come down there.
You wouldn't like it if I
were to come down there.
- Might.
- My uh--
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Wait a minute, whoa.
- As I was saying, my
thesis was simple enough.
Set out to prove or disprove
whether or not homosexuality was
a choice
or a predisposition at birth.
- And to go viral.
- Not to go viral, it
was never to go viral.
It was for my thesis and
for your vengeance, sure,
but never to go fucking viral.
- It's not too late.
Anyone who wants to go
viral, stand up now.
We can overpower them.
(crickets chirping)
- You suck.
- All right, y'all, just
let him go, all right?
He'll come back, he always does.
It's not like he's gonna
be talkin' to anybody.
(worker laughing)
- You know, we might have
actually gotten some good stuff.
If it wasn't for this one,
locking me up over his
own ridiculous agenda.
- Hey well, you're out, now.
- I couldn't get the subjects
to sign the releases.
- Releases, no, no, we
can get you releases.
- Oh God, I know what that
means.
He's gonna cut off their
hands and sign for them,
then what, cut off mine
just 'cause he can?
- Listen, your brother is an
idiot.
- Yeah, I know.
It's the drugs.
I had no idea how bad it had
gotten,
coupled with the trauma,
(melancholy violin music)
family and personal for the both
of us.
I got my period when I was 12.
It was a traumatic time for me.
For Orin, too.
Tried to explain to him that,
you know,
my parts are my parts and
his parts are his parts,
but he had a really hard time
understanding and accepting
that.
- Like, that's, that's
unfortunate.
- Sorry, baby brother.
(Frank laughing)
- But I won't get into that
right now.
- Yeah, all right, well look.
This is how this is gonna go
down.
All this stuff here, it's now
mine.
- Then the drum goes down.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me
finish.
Except for what's yours, all
right?
I'm assuming you got, like, a
laptop
with all your important
docs and such shit?
- I do.
- Okay, well, you keep that.
Your brother's shit, it's now
mine.
It's probably all stolen,
anyhow.
- Might be (laughing).
- Hey, yo, what the fuck, man?
(bell clanging)
- Woo, now I got the knife,
now, I'm in charge,
motherfuckers.
- Yeah, yeah, Frank,
you got this! (grunting)
- Thank Hank.
First of all, all this, ours.
All this shit is ours.
Even your little school laptop,
you bitch.
Second of all, who wants
to get cut first, huh, hm?
(ominous techno music)
What about you, a little bit
of the old in and out, eh?
How about you, you wanna
get cut, faggot, huh?
It's what I thought, scared
little bitch.
- Yeah he is, he's a
bitch, you got this Frank.
- Does he?
I know I should care, but I
don't.
I got no stake in anybody down
here.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you don't care, okay.
He don't care, Hank, he don't
care, huh?
See if you care about your
little boyfriend here, huh?
- Don't you touch him, you son
of a bitch!
- Boyfriend, son, you're all
fucked up.
- I just did the math,
you got no angle, Frank.
We're fucked.
- I will smash this drum.
- I don't care.
- I do, I care more about that
drum
than anybody down here.
No need to be so, oh, shit.
Oh, does that make me a terrible
person?
- Yes, yes, it does.
- Boss, no it doesn't.
(poignant violin music)
That drum is very important to
you,
so fuck them.
- No, those drums are
important to all of us.
You know, just in case, I'm
gonna go check
to make sure they're okay.
- Look, you carve this boy, and
then what?
You got no recourse.
- He's right, Frank.
You got no resource.
- Well, I'm not really sure
what the word fuckin' recourse
means,
but I'm pretty sure I
got the drum recourse.
- [Hank] You know what,
you're right, Frank.
You got the drum recourse, use
it.
- [Frank] I plan to.
- Hey, you ever think
about bad things happening
to bad people?
- Huh, what?
- Yeah, I think that's
what we're about to see.
But the idea, please, be
careful with my djembe.
- Ow, ow, fuck! (screaming)
(Meg grunting)
(string slashing)
- And there it is.
- Frank, Frank, you okay?
- Fuckin' asshole.
- I'm disfigured, the Nazi has
marked me!
He's disfigured me, he's ruined
me, he's--
- Hey, you believe in fate?
- [Orin] It's not just
a scratch, fuck you,
- What?
- it's just a scratch.
- No.
- Me neither,
but all of this, all of this is
fortuitous
if not serendipitous.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
(boot thudding)
Like, whoa.
- You tryin' to run boy?
No, we're not nearly done with
you.
(melancholy strings music)
- [Orin Voiceover] What the fuck
is this?
Dylan, I would fuck you before
I would fuck this loser.
Dylan, I would fuck you
in a box, in my socks,
in a bar, in a car, this is
fucking bullshit, this is,
I just turned him into a gay
celebrity.
(laptop slamming)
- While some may view
this method as provocative
or needlessly elaborate,
I can assure you that
this scenario proved to be
the most direct and effective
means of drawing a conclusion
to this sensitive and ultimately
controversial question.
(Hank grunting)
- Fuck you, you black bastard.
No, no, no (yelping)
(electricity whirring)
- It's science, baby, I love it.
(Hank gasping)
(Durant laughing)
- Oh, fuck, oh, fuck you, fuck
you.
- You lucky I'm not sadistic.
I'd be strappin' your dicks
into this urine-soaked
dingletrap if I were.
You get a freshie.
- Is that right, Mandingo?
Well, if I wasn't
strapped all to this shit,
I'd fuckin' Shaka Zulu this
shit right up your ass, huh?
What do you think about that?
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- Actually, you know what?
- No, no, man, come on, man.
- Dude, come on, no, no, no.
- Yes.
- No, no, no, no.
- Guys, yeah.
- Oh, oh God.
- Oh, God.
- It's really bad.
(Durant laughing)
It's really bad, Hank.
- Oh (moaning).
- We're just about set down
here.
(rhythmic drumming)
- Now while my initial aim
was to answer a question
that is largely rhetorical,
"Is homosexuality a choice?",
I stumbled upon a new query.
- To prove or disprove that
homosexuality is a choice
like you say it is.
Hit it, Talkie.
(playful orchestral music)
This next track here
runs about 22 minutes long.
- With both control groups,
a common result occurred.
Closeted homosexuality
resulted in latent aggression
and overt violence towards
others that are openly gay.
- Science, baby, I love it.
(rhythmic drumming)
- Fuck.
- Whoa, whoa, what, what, what?
Did I screw something up down
here?
- We have another sprouter.
And while this is,
admittedly, a limited sample,
it does beg the question of
whether or not
this is worthy of further study.
(rhythmic drumming)
- Uh, what, what is that,
what is touching me, what is
touching me?
Hank?
- That's little Hank.
- God no, no, get me out of
here,
get me out of this right now.
Get me out, you fucker.
(Durant laughing)
- Would you shut the fuck up?
I'm havin' a moment here, do you
mind?
- No, there's no moment,
there's not a moment.
- Now, I'd like to open
the floor to any questions.
(rhythmic drumming)
- Yeah, um (sighing), you put
their, um,
their genitals in what?
(ambient techno music)
- Shit then.
(rhythmic drumming)
(Durant laughing)
- Come on, man, Talks back
there.
Check out my man Talks back
there.
- [Drummer] Yeah.
(Durant laughing)
- Just feel it.
- Uh, I'm tellin' you all, man,
this house right here is gonna
be a joint.
- [Drummer] It's fine.
- Oh, this joint right
here's gonna be the joint.
You know what I'm sayin'?
- You got it, you got it back,
we got it.
- Yeah, you know what I'm
sayin'?
You all got it.
- [Drummer] Can do.
(drummers chattering)
(drummers laughing)
- I'm tired of it, man.
I don't know, I'm tired, but
yeah,
you wanna make this
money with us if you can.
(rhythmic drumming)
(heads squeaking)
(image whooshing)
(bells trilling)
(playful electronic music)
(rhythmic drumming)
More than you can tell.
Boy get it done, man.
You know what, we ought
to start a band, too.
We could go on the road.
Cash money bag.
(drummers laughing)
Givin' away, they ain't gonna
owe us money after this.
- You got it, dude.
(rhythmic drumming)
(birds chirping)